Stavvy's World - #114 - Kate Berlant

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Starting point is 00:00:27 BitMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. It comes out February 4th on Hulu. If you haven't seen it yet, go watch it. If you already have seen it yet and you have Hulu, just stream it. Let's run these numbers up, baby. If this thing does well there, maybe they'll let us make another fucking movie. We're counting on you. So please watch it, and please enjoy this episode of StavisWorld with the great Cape Berlant.

Starting point is 00:01:01 Hoppa! Welcome everybody to StavisWorld. 904- Stav. Call in, we'll solve all your problems. We're back in our LA, the LA edition. Just a little something at our home here in what, Bad Ladder Studios. Shout out to Mo, the elusive Mo, you'll never see his face. He lets us in, he leaves.

Starting point is 00:01:22 We got Eldy making the trip. And we're very happy to have Kate Berlant. Kate, thanks for coming. Thanks for having, suddenly I'm like, where do the girls put their purses? So I just have it here, what if I have to touch up? You're the first one we've ever had on the show. I know. Hey, we're gonna get into that, by the way.

Starting point is 00:01:40 Thanks for coming, bud. So happy to be here. Thrilled to have you. Yes. Yeah, we were taking a little jaunt here. Beautiful weather here in Los Angeles. Today's particularly beautiful, I have to say. Yeah, and we're spending it podcasting. That's what's nice.

Starting point is 00:01:56 You want to be inside in the artificial glow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In beautiful Greece. I know. I've never been. Never been to Greece. Top three list for me of where I want to go. Never been to Greece. Top three list for me of where I want to go. What you're half Spanish. I pass for, people think I'm from Greece. 100% you could be Greek. I pass Italian. No. Lord knows I pass Jew. I am because I am. Recently people would go you're Jewish yeah? I go okay let's relax. Yes I am's like, come on, have that thought in your head. Yeah, but Mediterranean.

Starting point is 00:02:27 No, for sure, you could definitely go Mediterranean. My mom is Spanish, so Spanish, and then also just Jew. Sure, sure. And in that mix, you get Greek. Honestly, you mix Spanish and Jew, you do get Greek. Absolutely. It's like the color. Remember they would teach you colors as a little kid?

Starting point is 00:02:41 Like green and yellow, make blue. Mixed produce and things. I get fed that on my Instagram feed and it's like, where it's just like paints being mixed. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like it's just like you put this and it gets it and. It is calming. I like it.

Starting point is 00:02:55 God. Mine is pathetic. I don't even want to tell people. It's exactly, I mean the amount that I go to search for something on Instagram and it's just some woman who doesn't even have like real proportions. like looks like an anime person but it's real life and it's just like, I'm just like, they're just like doing a chore but their tits are bouncing.

Starting point is 00:03:14 I'm like, what friend was I going to DM? I literally, it's so sad. And I'm like, it has happened to me legitimately like 40 times in a row. And I'm like, what the, and I'll just, it just, it's so pathetic where you're like, oh, I'm a fucking caveman, I can't help it, I'm one of the dumbest guys alive. And the algorithm is getting me.

Starting point is 00:03:35 I know when it hits you at your exact interest, I get like, I opened it up yesterday, it was like a couple both no legs, like in first class. And I was like, that is kind of what I want to see. Yeah. I get like, you know, people like crazy, like, you know, like stuff. Yeah, yeah. And they're just dancing.

Starting point is 00:03:54 And they're doing makeup. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what? Yeah. Look at her. Good for you. The internet's like, go ahead. Say something about it.

Starting point is 00:04:02 Yeah. Or fights. I get a lot of like fighting. Fights is classic. fights, I get a lot of fighting. Fights is classic. Fighting, I get a lot on Twitter. I have a lot of fight videos on Instagram. They don't like violence. They'll throw titties out there, they'll throw, you know. No violence, yeah, what's going on there?

Starting point is 00:04:15 Let's get fights back in. It's interesting, yeah. The internet was built on bum fights. Drive-through fights. Drive-through fights. Waffle house. Waffle house fights. Classic stuff. Have you seen, I get the same video over and over and then I watch it every time.

Starting point is 00:04:29 I think that's why they keep feeding it to me. Where it's like, you know, it's like a guy in court goes after his mother's murder and it's him like, running the whole family. And every time my adrenaline, I go, guys, I've already seen this. I watch it again. And I get a little hit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, that's fucking awesome.

Starting point is 00:04:44 Good for you, man. Fuck that guy. this. I watch it again. And I get a little hit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're like, that's fucking awesome. Good for you, man. Fuck that guy. I know, I love seeing revenge happen. It's nice. But the fake ones, the act outs, where it's like, there's a lot of those on the plane now where it's like, hey, it's like a guy,

Starting point is 00:04:58 and then it's clearly completely a fabrication. Yes, yes, yes. And then people are in the comments going like, this is not okay. Fake. No, no, people are responding. They buy it. A lot of them they buy.

Starting point is 00:05:07 Interesting, yeah. It's funny when you see people who clearly have rented a fake private plane or like a plane set. Yes, exactly, they're all empty. Exactly, I just saw one of those. Or they'll make a fight. Yeah. Yeah, I was like, were you an early internet user?

Starting point is 00:05:19 Did you get it? Because we didn't have the internet in my family. We were a dial-up family and I didn't get it till late. And I'm like, you know, my first, it was all AOL, you know, but we didn't get it till late. Same, dial-up for sure. And yeah, I mean, I didn't, I guess I signed up for Facebook when I was 18.

Starting point is 00:05:37 Oh, wow, fresh. Right, as soon as you get to college, you get that, I remember thinking Facebook, I was like, nah, I'm gonna put my face, I'm making fun of my cousin who was get to college, you get that face. I remember thinking Facebook, I was like, nah, I'm gonna put my face, I'm making fun of my cousin who was in college, I was like, you fucking idiot, you dumb bitch, you put your name and your face on there, they're gonna steal your identity.

Starting point is 00:05:56 You know what I mean? I still harbor deep superstitious, my relationships technology is so superstitious, and it's like very, like I don't, for example, we'll get into it, maybe if I want to. I did my first Kate Berlant public one-star Google review. Oh, you did your own? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:06:15 But you got your own. No, I reviewed a business. Oh, with your name! Oh no! You don't even have a burner? You used your fucking name? That's awesome. And by the way, it's completely earnest. Aren't it? Huge respect.

Starting point is 00:06:28 I want everyone to know, if my laughing seems strange, I'm having my very first adult TMJ flare up. So laughter and smiling, it's actually kind of hurting. Wow, you're playing to the pain. Well, here's what I'll fucking say. Please. The cause of my jaw pain is the stress that was induced by a faulty business interaction. That's what the one fucking say. Please. The cause of my jaw pain is the stress that was induced by a faulty business interaction.

Starting point is 00:06:47 That's what the one star gets, yes. Beyond, oh my God. Will you say the business or you don't want, let's put him on blast? Of course, well by the way, a couple of days ago, I went, because I'll just say this, I'm deciding in real time I'm gonna tell you everything. I love it, I love it.

Starting point is 00:07:00 And don't get too excited. Your own pace, at your own pace. But a few days ago, because it was about two days of me really being obsessed about this, and then I go, I I love it. I don't get too excited. Your own pace, at your own pace. But a few days ago, because it was about two days of me really being obsessed about this, and then I go, I'm releasing it. I go, it's not good. And Carmichael, you know, I go, and I was talking to my friend,

Starting point is 00:07:13 because it was business, I had called nine times and they had to call me back, and then they blocked me. But the point is, my friend goes, she was like, it's bad, you're texting them, one of the guys that works there looks down at his phone, he's driving, he dies, right? It's kind of like, okay, and I was like, right,

Starting point is 00:07:27 let it go. And there's also the old, the only person you're hurting with grudges yourself. I know, I know. Which I fully don't buy. I love, I still love revenge. Like I said, this is how we started. We like seeing that guy kill, punch his mom's murderer.

Starting point is 00:07:44 I would've liked to shoot him, like to shoot him in the head. Good, no problem. I mean, hello, now what's his head? Yeah, that was pretty cool. That was honestly pretty cool. The hot guy taking him out. Sexy assassin. Yeah, hopefully.

Starting point is 00:07:57 Well, the official StavisWorld stance is it's bad to kill CEOs. Want that on the record. don't kill any healthcare CEOs. And I, and I, and I, yeah. Leaves the whole world blind. I know, but I'll just say. So this business wronged you. I have been wronged by a chimney sweep.

Starting point is 00:08:20 What, a chimney sweep? I have been, so hang on, some context. I had a couple years ago. Did you travel back in time? You did travel to Victorian England? So a couple years ago, I just want to say a couple years ago, I had a transcendent chimney sweeping period. This guy.

Starting point is 00:08:40 So this guy, whoever wronged you was also following an impossible standard, it sounds like. Well I go, if this were my first sweep, maybe I'd go. I guess this would be getting a chimney sweep is like, yeah. So I'll just say, okay, this is what's interesting to me. The guy called me on the phone, I made the appointment with Mr. Chimney. Hey guys. Which by the way, if you look it up,

Starting point is 00:09:00 their office is like a residence, like it's scary. Bad, bad sign. And I take ownership for this, someone recommended to me the The Chimney Guy. I got it mixed and went Mr. Chimney, which is something that's like, all these names. They knew what they were doing. First of all, that should be illegal.

Starting point is 00:09:15 They're getting run off from The Chimney Guy. Yeah, The Chimney Guy's up here, Mr. Chimney. Yeah, like I knew, there was a comedian, a really shitty, well, whatever you wanna say about him. There was a comedian, a really shitty, well, whatever you want to say about him. There was a comedian who bought a website, RussellPeters.com, but one of the L's was an uppercase I, or some shit like that. And he would-

Starting point is 00:09:36 Traffic. And he would get traffic, and he would pretend to be Russell Peters, and say, hey, I'm booked, but you should check out my boy, who's awesome. Honest and genius. And he just didn't you should check out my boy who's awesome. Honestly genius. He just didn't know Russell Peters at all. That's amazing.

Starting point is 00:09:48 So anyway, that's what I think the chimney, or even I don't, I can't even keep him straight. Mr. Chimney, and I'll say this, so my first time I scheduled with them, like the day after they're like, my technician's been in a car accident, he can't come. And I texted back, oh my God, oh no, I'm so sorry. Obviously like get back to me whenever.

Starting point is 00:10:04 Didn't hear back the next day, I go, it's a little interesting, didn't hear back the next day, I go, I guess I'll call back. And I texted back, oh my God, oh no, I'm so sorry. Obviously like get back to me whenever. Didn't hear back the next day. I go, it's a little interesting. Didn't hear back the next day. I go, I guess I'll call back. Must be a bad accident. That was my mistake. I got back in. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:10:12 So they, here's what I was gonna say. The guy called me cause he was early. He's like, hi, I'm here early. I was like, okay, I'll be there with, you know, like five minutes away. Full body. I don't like him. I don't like it.

Starting point is 00:10:24 The second he gives you. And I am a bit clairvoyant. I had full body. I go, I don't like him. I don't like him. And I am a bit clairvoyant, I had a full body. I go, I don't trust him, something's off. It's bad, it's bad. It's hard to describe it. And I came there, it wasn't anything he said, it wasn't anything. Just a general vibe issue. I will say interesting note, is that, okay, anyway,

Starting point is 00:10:38 he asked if my partner was Jewish, which I didn't really love. And they're not. Well, listen, my father's a contractor. Anytime a blue collar worker asks the religion of someone, not a good sign. I grew up around these guys. It wasn't because he's like, because I love that kind of person. I love it. It's never that.

Starting point is 00:10:58 He doesn't want to trade fucking dreidel stories. He doesn't want to give you guilt. There's no guilt. No. Disgust. And so I'll just say this motherfucker. Cleaned my chimney. By the way, he's going, you're going

Starting point is 00:11:12 to need this sealant to protect against the rain. I go, bring me up. I don't want to talk about it. You think I know? I go, fire. I'm scared. It's a chimney. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:11:21 I'm going to cut to it. Come back in. Pay this guy. There is fucking soot on every surface. Oh no. Oh, really quick, when he came in, he starts, and I go, oh, do you have additional drop cloths? I have a white fucking couch.

Starting point is 00:11:39 Oh no, white couch. I go, do you have, he goes, oh, no, no, it's fine. And I go, all right, what am I gonna do? You're the pro. I'm gonna. You're the chimney guy. I go in the other room, I take a shower. Right.

Starting point is 00:11:51 Okay. I'm relaxing, my chimney's being swept. Yeah. I come out. Something's amiss. Everything's slate gray. I go like this to soot. Tough.

Starting point is 00:11:59 And I'm talking about in the hallway, in the other room. Oh, no. Soot. Everywhere. Soot everywhere. So I start going, whoa, whoa, there's soot. Tough. And I'm talking about in the hallway, in the other room. Oh no. Soot everywhere. Soot everywhere. So I start going, whoa, whoa, there's soot on everything.

Starting point is 00:12:09 And then he's going, it's a dirty job. He goes, look at me. He goes, look at me. I go, well, yeah. The lady, come on. He has soot on his nose like a Dickens character. Anyway, I'm not a fighter. He's got a top hat with the, there's no top.

Starting point is 00:12:24 Yeah, he has one of the, he did not have the right gear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And again, I'm not a fighter. He's got a top hat with the cut, there's no top. Yeah, he has one of them. It's popped out, yeah. He did not have the right gear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And again, I'm not a fighter. I don't wanna get in. It makes me uncomfortable. Of course.

Starting point is 00:12:31 But then I go, don't fuck me in my own home. Of course, this is my house. You come in here, you spray soot around here. You can't do that. And then, and so he's, oh, well, this is the real great. I walk into the other hall. I walk into the hall, I come back. Look at the bottom of my foot, it's black.

Starting point is 00:12:45 Okay, I go, look, I go, he goes, maybe your house is dirty. I go, excuse me sweetheart. Oh sweetheart. Oh no. So then, yeah. And I, the point is I was up in the night. So one stars are coming out. It's beyond, but I was up in the night going,

Starting point is 00:13:04 why did I pay, why did I pay? Why did I let him leave? And then I go, well, this is when you really need a husband. Yeah. Because I go, if my fucking husband were home, yeah, yeah. Would she be doing this to me? Hey, bitch, you unmarried cunt.

Starting point is 00:13:15 Yeah. Your house is dirty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You need to, here's how about this, a service. Rent the husband. I know. You get a chimney sweep coming around, you get some big burly guy who knows what football players are.

Starting point is 00:13:28 Honey, are you happy with the chimney sweep? Hey pal, what the hell's going on out here? If I had been able to be like, Jeff, would have panned out differently. Absolutely. So I'll just say I panicked, the guy goes, we'll knock off $200 and I let him leave. Wow. Full refund required, he leaves and then I200, and I let him leave. Wow.

Starting point is 00:13:45 Full refund required. He leaves, and then I look around, and I go, there's soot everywhere. It's gonna cost more to get in. I'm not kidding. I believe you. I'll submit photos. The walls, the curtains, soot, soot.

Starting point is 00:13:55 That's fucking brutal. I call a couch, go to a company, they go, this guy was Greg, Greg, it's something business. Shout out to Greg. It was Greg. I go, and what is your name? No, this is customer service. He goes to me, I'm not going to lie to you.

Starting point is 00:14:05 I love the moment when you're trying to connect with a different business to just remind yourself, this isn't me. I'm a good human being. I want to ask Greg, how is days going? I'm a chatter. I'm going, hey, who needs water? Who needs cookies? I'm having fun with that.

Starting point is 00:14:21 Yes, yes, yes. You're bringing out the lemonade. The couch guy go, can I'm having fun with that, okay? Yes, yes, yes. You're bringing out the lemonade. The couch guy go, can I just say you have been so helpful? And he said to me, he goes, I'm not gonna lie to you. So it is maybe the most difficult thing. Oh no. So I start calling this business.

Starting point is 00:14:36 So I call Mr. Chimney, Pro Star Services, who Mr. Chimney contracted to come to my house, whatever. The point is- Wow, we've got subcontractors, it's a whole shell company? Yeah, I call Mr. Chimney, and I'm like, house, whatever. The point is. Well, we've got subcontract, it's a whole shell company. I call Mr. Chimney, and I'm like, Pro Star. Pro Star, you look them up, their headquarters is a residence in Woodland Hills, it's the house. Just a guy's house.

Starting point is 00:14:52 Pro Star also means nothing. Well, by the way, I can't leave them, I can't leave Mr. Chimney or Pro Star Bad Reviews on Yelp because they, I'm worried I'm gonna hit the wrong business. It's like, Pro Star, there's like 18 different shells. I'm calling them, you clean the wrong business. It's like, pro star, there's like 18 different shells. I'm calling them going, do you clean chimneys? They go, no. I mean, so I'll just say, the night of the chimney sweep

Starting point is 00:15:11 that happened, I wake up the next morning, I must have been clenching my jaw. All the stress is in the jaw. All the stress. All the anger. I can't chew. My doctor said to me two weeks off foods. I go, someone's gonna be a rail at the end of two weeks.

Starting point is 00:15:26 No, but I bet only, yeah, no. That's brutal. I'm so sorry. And so, yeah, I can't fully do my usual. You're doing a great job, by the way. Playing through the pain. But I think, yeah, it's kind of good for me to be, actually on the way here I go, I'm going to get rolls.

Starting point is 00:15:37 I'm going to book from this. Because I always go too big. So instead I'm going to go like this. I bet my career would go through the fucking roof if I was like this. Just a little more reserved. So yeah, I... I'm really sorry to hear that and fuck... I can say it, fuck Mr. Chimney.

Starting point is 00:15:55 Take that. And you know how we said, don't murder CEOs? I'm not coming out and saying what to do to Mr. Chimney. I'm not weighing in one way or the other. I actually played this game with myself. I go, do I want their business to crumble? No. Do I want them to go to business?

Starting point is 00:16:10 No. Do I want their children to go hungry? No. I want my money back. And I want someone to say I'm sorry. Because I'll say this. The moral, the wanting a fucking apology is so funny. You wanted to be witnessed in my pain.

Starting point is 00:16:23 That's why I go, that's why I was like, Kate, let it go. Because I don't, I actually, it made me realize, I don't go through life like a victim. Like I don't feel that feeling. The soot everywhere, I go, I am a victim. Absolutely, you've been victimized by Mr. Chimney. I spoke to Jordan, hey bitch, if you're watching.

Starting point is 00:16:40 A manager I happened to get on the phone after I called nine times and was blocked. And she didn't say sorry. And I said to her, by the way, I go... No, sorry. Dread quote, I said, you have no idea who you're dealing with? Oh no! When do you start doing this stuff that you're embarrassed about? When do you start getting into the do you know who my father is zone?

Starting point is 00:16:54 I said, I will bury you online. Then I couldn't find them. I go, I'll take it to small claims. She goes, take us. I go... Oh no! She's getting into it with you. I said, okay, this will be fun and I hung up. And then I thought I was going to put it to bed, but then here I have to talk about it.

Starting point is 00:17:12 Yeah, of course. Because also the TMJ, so really, take them to court. Now you can sue for damages. TMJ damages. Yeah. I'm going to sue them. You're going to be 85%. This is huge.

Starting point is 00:17:23 I thought I was looking full face range, Kate Berlant. I gotta deal with 80% soot Berlant? I'm suing Mr. Chimney. I can go ha ha ha ha. I can go ha ha ha ha. Yeah. Yeah. Wow.

Starting point is 00:17:36 Anyway, I'm glad I got that. Get it off your chest. And you know what? Hold on to a little resentment. Soot what? Just hold on to just a little resentment. Something a little bad. You said you're sort of to just a little resentment. Something a little bad. You said you're sort of clairvoyant.

Starting point is 00:17:46 Do you have any other powers? Could you give them a flat tire even? See, here's why I'm a light worker. I don't do that. I actually don't want injury. I don't want injury. I just want my money back and I want an apology. I want someone to acknowledge that I suffered.

Starting point is 00:18:01 Well, okay. And we will get that for you. You know what? Eldest, go find Mr. Fucking Chicken. I love food, yeah. I left, so again, I. Well, okay, and we will get that for you. You know what, eldest, go find Mr. fucking chimney. I left, yeah. I left, so again, I was like, I'm dropping it. And then yesterday I got a huge email, or I sent a huge email out.

Starting point is 00:18:14 So if I don't respond to this, then I'll let it go. It's over. But I'm on the podcast talking about it now. So I'll say, I really know. Next, you find the house that address and you put a fucking billboard. Mr. chimney's a fucking liar. Fra Mr. Chimney's a fucking liar. Mr. Chimney's a fraud.

Starting point is 00:18:28 Look at how much that would cost. We could go half on that, that'd be fun. I know, that would be really fun. Write that off. By the way, Woodland Hills billboard, $700? I mean, I just don't even know. We can figure that out. I think we can do that.

Starting point is 00:18:42 Maybe this could be your whole, Who had a, who had a, didn't somebody have a one man show about the police fucking him over? Was that Burbiglia? It just feels like a Burbiglia thing. The police fucking him over. I don't know. I don't know.

Starting point is 00:18:54 Well, trust me, of course, yesterday, because I was texting a friend of mine and he said, "'I love you, you have to let this go.'" He's like, oh, Mr. Chimney blocked me, right? He goes, let it go. And then yesterday I sent him. Yeah, you're coming to the wrong guy for letting it go. I'm like, let's fucking destroy this guy.

Starting point is 00:19:07 I'll fucking hate him. So I sent my friend the email that I sent. I sent it to my mother. My mother goes, really proud of the letter you wrote. Okay, so I write this letter. I was like, your mom is supporting this kind of behavior. I wrote this letter. And my friend did go, there's a movie here.

Starting point is 00:19:20 I go, you know, it crossed my mind. Yeah, the people versus Mr. Chimney The People vs. Mr. Chimney. The People vs. Mr. Chimney. There is, you know, there is a movie about like you taking it too far and like accidentally killing Mr. Chimney and then having to like cover the body. Well yesterday when I wrote my one star review I go, what if I'm opening up a canteen? You know what I mean? I go, what if it's me begging, please, please, please. You're pulling at the threads.

Starting point is 00:19:44 Like I just don't want to die screaming no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want to be running. I don't want, like. Yeah, I gotta say, I would, of all the businesses to fuck with, when you get someone on the phone, they're like, fucking take us to court.

Starting point is 00:19:56 I know. Bad sign. It's a little scary. Bad sign. Yeah, someone else goes, we are so sorry. How can we make this right? Even if they know they're not going to do shit, even if they're like, oh, that sounds like such a bad situation, then they hang up on you and they're like, we are so sorry, how can we make this right? Even if they know they're not gonna do shit, even if they're like, oh, that sounds like such a bad situation, then they hang up on you and they're like, fucking dumb bitch.

Starting point is 00:20:09 But to just on the phone be like, try us, whore. We don't fucking care. You don't have a lesbian. I know what's going on in there. You got a couple of Jews I'm not scared of with a fucking dirty ass living room. Exactly, exactly. With a dirty floor floor by the way.

Starting point is 00:20:25 Yeah. Yeah, you sure it's not your floor? Love that. Yeah, unfortunately I've now grown to respect Mr. Chimney. I know, it is pretty punk what they're doing. Just being horrible and not giving a fuck and you realize it's, you can just be a piece of shit and you don't really ever face that many consequences.

Starting point is 00:20:43 Well that's what actually made me, I mean this is minor, right? This is a soot catastrophe. It's annoying but you know. Ultimately it's a minor annoyance. I go, it actually gave me more human empathy because I go, people are dealing with this on the, I go, imagine.

Starting point is 00:20:57 I don't do well with this. It's making me, I don't do well with, Sure. Is it conflict? Yeah, yeah, conflict. I threw my jaw out. Yeah. Hello? The jaws, yeah, conflict. I threw my jaw out. Hello? The jaws, yeah, you'd be fucked.

Starting point is 00:21:07 Physical, I'm hurting myself. What was the first TMJ flare-up? Has this been your whole life? I've always had jaw stuff, but I'm like, doesn't everyone kind of? Look at my face. Clearly I carry shit in my jaw. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I'm like, beefed out.

Starting point is 00:21:19 You've been a clencher your whole life? Clencher my whole life. I got a night guard years ago. I go, I'm not wearing that, I'm trying to have sex. Yeah, yeah, I gotta be sexy. I just was like, no. And so then basically, and I asked my dentist, I go, you're telling me one night

Starting point is 00:21:32 of really bad clenching can do this? He was like, yep, in your state, yeah. He goes, direct quote, serious risk of lockjaw. Only my greatest fear. Wow. How long was lockjaw? I don't know, what do they do? You just have to fucking be like this and not say shit? No, it's open. Oh, was Lockjaw? I don't know. What do they do? You just have to be like this and not say shit?

Starting point is 00:21:46 It's open. Oh, it's open? I always thought it was open. You're like, here you take a sub and you're like... And then it's just like, oh, I can't chew. I would be so pissed if it... I would be really pissed if it happened at the beginning of the sub. I need to get a little sub.

Starting point is 00:22:00 Imagine being hungry and shit and Lockjaw kicks in, not even a bite. I know, rye, gorgeous rye crisps. Yeah, you can feel a little of it on your tongue but you can't swallow. Yeah, there's a little cheddar hits it and you're fucked. That would kill me. Well also, imagine the humiliation just, I mean, frozen, open, crying,

Starting point is 00:22:16 because I'd be crying. Frozen, open, help, help. I thought it was close, wow. By the way, it might be close. Well, just a couple of scientists trying to get to the bottom of it. He goes, let's put some arnica on it. What's that?

Starting point is 00:22:29 You know, just topical stuff. It's not helping. Not helping, damn. Well, maybe the power of riffing through the podcast will help. This is good, the joy is taking my mind off of it. I have a question for you actually, but I have an etiquette question for you. Yes, great.

Starting point is 00:22:41 Because I got into it, dear friend and I got into a fight this morning. Oh, beautiful. A little bit of yelling on the phone about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where do you stand with? Okay, I'm of the mind. You can't say to someone,

Starting point is 00:22:53 hey, are you going to the party on Friday? Are you going to Jeff's party on Friday? The person goes, not invited. Their heart's broken. Don't ask people if they're going to parties. Right? Okay. Where do you stand? Here's where I stand. How close a friend is this? Like the two... Okay, okay. So obviously... Okay, okay. If it's the coolest event of the fucking year, right? And your friend's a fucking loser. Yeah. And you're just like kind of hoping

Starting point is 00:23:21 there's a change. You need a ride and you're like he's probably not invited. Yeah. Let me ask if he's going to fish for my own. But if you're just like, is this a super close friend? How close? The person you're asking and the person who's having the party. Okay, so it's like a friend, not my event. Not your event.

Starting point is 00:23:37 Not my event, but a friend, they're close, we're all close. You're all close. But they had kind of a, like, it's not crazy that the other person wouldn't have been invited, like, because there's history. If there's history.

Starting point is 00:23:48 Between the party thrower and this person, there's history. Why, can you ask the party thrower or no? You ask the party thrower, hey, is Susanna invited? And then the party thrower goes, oh my God, actually they're not. You don't go, Susanna, go on to Jeff's? Yes, you gotta go to the party.

Starting point is 00:24:03 If there's history, I think you gotta do your due diligence and say, hey, I don't wanna make it fucking weird. I wanna just have some fucking Carpaccio and hang out. I don't wanna make it fucking strange. Is she coming or not? And then, if you really wanna be a good guy, you've done, you know, you have the information, you know they have invited them,

Starting point is 00:24:24 and then you ask them about it in a welcoming way to make it feel like you're just one of the guys. The history is over. 100%. But you can't gamble on whether they've resolved it or not. You can't go, you're going? Yeah. Anyway, so I raised my voice and I said, how about this, going forward, know this, never say to anyone, are you going to the party?

Starting point is 00:24:41 Now generally I think you can ask about going to parties, I have to say. God, I guess you're kind of right. If there's no history, if it's just- If there's no history, you can be like, what's up with the party? Now, generally, I think you can ask about going to parties, I have to say. God, I guess you're kind of right. If there's no history, you can be like, what's up with the party? You go to that thing. And then if they're like, I'm not invited, be like, yikes. Maybe I'm too sensitive. That for me is like, oh. Well, that would be like, if it's, again, I always come back to, if it's a good enough friend that you can offend them and laugh it off, ask about the party. Then you're safe, yeah. And then why do you want this person there? What are your intentions?

Starting point is 00:25:09 Yeah. Are they pure? Do you really just wanna have a good time? And do you have enough clout to be like, just come with me? If you do, you can always ask. But if it's on the fence and it's a cool thing and you're not sure.

Starting point is 00:25:22 Be careful. Tread lightly. Okay. Tread lightly. But if it's a very good friend and you also wanna, it could be fun to rub it in that they're not sure? Be careful. Be careful, tread lightly. Okay. Tread lightly, but if it's a very good friend and you also want to, it could be fun to rub it in that they're not going. Yeah, you didn't make the cut. Oh, fucking loser. You're not going.

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Starting point is 00:26:37 all my friends I've known truly my whole life. Feels like me, most of my, like I'm, yeah. And you grew up here, not, not in, but you, did you go to school in New York? Or you lived in New York? Yeah, I lived in New York for like nine years. I went out there for school and then I stayed. Nice.

Starting point is 00:26:51 Hell yeah. Where'd we go? Just doing sets, you know? Doing sets. Doing fucking sets. That's one thing I noticed, if I have like one cocktail, I start talking about doing sets. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:27:00 I go, I go, I was there, I was taking the train, I was along on the train. I was like, these kids don't do sets. They don't fucking do sets, I was taking the train, I was along on the train. These kids don't do sets. They don't fucking do sets. I was pounding the pavement. I mean, one martini. Aging, it's like you get in your 30s and you become everything you thought was lame

Starting point is 00:27:15 and it feels good. It feels good. And you get it, you're like, yeah, these fucking kids don't get it. I go comics. They get it on the internet now? They didn't have to go to fucking mics. No, they weren't fighting

Starting point is 00:27:25 They weren't out there scrapping. They weren't getting business cards Fucking business cards remember my business cards eldest. I was remembering I was just saying my headshot on there I'm like, yeah. Oh my god. I have a headshot. I should truly send in. Where I look 10 years older than I look now. That's awesome. And my hair is still here, and I'm over one shoulder like this, and I look Latin. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:27:52 It's absolutely wild. But I was remembering I did a show, and Agents gonna come to scout you. The mic went out, I had to do it, no mic, just to a room. Wow. Yeah, they signed me. Wow. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:28:07 But comics, you remember comics, the comedy club? Of course. They closed, owing me $150, that's how old I am folks. Wow, yeah, yeah. Actually very young, I don't even like to joke about that. Did you move like, wanting to do purely comedy? Was it more artsy, were you a theater kid? Rejected from theater school, never set foot. Rejected from theater, okay.

Starting point is 00:28:26 Well that explains everything. My first stand-up I did here, like the Laugh Factory when I was 17. 17? Yeah, I had a fake ID. That's awesome. Yeah, so this is where I get into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:28:38 But I did, yeah, I started stand-up when I was 17 and then I moved to New York. Interesting. Were you like a theater kid though? Were you like doing plays in high school? I did plays in high school, not musical theater. I don't know why I feel I need to distance myself from that culture. I did plays, you know, I had a line on Lizzie McGuire as a kid.

Starting point is 00:28:57 Oh, big. That's huge. Wow. Were you trying to be a child? Because I remember I auditioned for a Bruce Willis movie called The Kid. Yeah, I bet you'd be a big booker. I was cute as hell.

Starting point is 00:29:10 I peaked at truly nine years old. I was the cutest baby. I peaked as a baby. I'm so cute. I should have been. But my parents, and I wanted to be, I'm so glad my parents were like no, because I would have been,

Starting point is 00:29:23 I wanted to be a show business terror when I was a kid. would have been, I wanted to be a show business like Terror when I was like a kid. I was like I need to be a fucking star. And I remember going to a just pure open call, just not even really auditioned for it. They just looked at a bunch of fat kids basically. It's like Bruce Willis goes back in time. It's maybe a very early,

Starting point is 00:29:39 it's a really shitty movie. And they ended up casting by the way, it's a family, it's like a fucking, the Fannings, apparently they had a fat little brother, and they ended up casting by the way. It's a family. It's like a fucking the fannings. Apparently they had a fat little brother and he got a bite at the apple. What's going on with those parents? Yeah, yeah, truly. I talk about this with my friend that children should not be actors. No.

Starting point is 00:29:59 You should have adults play children. And then, yeah, that's funny. Make it all Stuart. They can't be involved. No, it's so fucked up. It's funny. Make it all Stuart. It's not like, they can't be involved. No, it's so fucked up. It's so fucked up to see kids, and like when I've done stuff and there've been kids, it's like, the parents are like, yes, $300.

Starting point is 00:30:14 They're just like, take my infant. So when the infants are crying, go, the baby doesn't know it's not real. Yeah. They go, he's crying, perfect. It's like, oh my God. This will sell the murder. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's like, oh my God. This will sell the murder. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:30:26 Yeah, I don't like it. Okay, Mom, can you pretend you're hurt so he starts crying? Yeah. Because we're having a real hard time curing him. Sweetie, it's not real. Yeah, yeah. So I'm sorry, were you like, I gotta be a star?

Starting point is 00:30:37 Like, how did the Lizzie McGuire thing happen? I will, you know, again, Los Angeles, even though my parents are not in the industry. Yeah, so why'd they live here? They just liked it? Just Artie, yeah. Just love the scene. The LA Artie.

Starting point is 00:30:50 I guess I never think of LA as Artie. I mean, I guess it is, but I think of it as more like, just purely industry. Thriving Artie in the 70s, I wanna say. Yeah, no, but they- So they were cool artist types? Yeah. Nice, okay. For sure they were cool artist types? Yeah. Nice.

Starting point is 00:31:06 Okay. They have people fucking coming in and out. You didn't like, it weren't the artsy type where it's like they're having like orgies in the pool house. No orgies. Just like, there were no orgies, but you know, dinner parties and weed. Oh, hell yeah.

Starting point is 00:31:20 You know, my dad wake and bake stone are my whole life. Something like that. That's fucking awesome. But they explained it to me. They were like, some daddies have beer. Like really, they were like, some dads have beer. My dad has never been into alcohol. I have a different kind of problem.

Starting point is 00:31:31 Yeah, this is exactly what I was saying. It's like not really an explanation. I'm addicted to a thing you can't buy at stores. That's so funny. I've never really seen it that way. I was like, isn't that so humane and just open and modern? I mean, if he had like a joint twice a week, that would be a discussion. But like, now

Starting point is 00:31:51 some daddies crack a slits at 9 a.m. I smoke weed at 9 a.m. It's normal. Oh my God. You're seeing me in a way I've never been seen. I never had the courage to see myself. Yeah. Yeah. That's awesome. But like a good, like an artsy, weedy dinner party. Yeah. Yeah. That's fun.

Starting point is 00:32:13 Yeah. That's a cool, that's the appropriate amount of cool parent to have any more than that. And it starts getting tough. Yeah, yeah, of course. It starts getting tough. Because I go, listen, I'm already like, you know, oh, you're a comedian. Oh, your dad's an artist.

Starting point is 00:32:27 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wasn't like, I'm not going to be in marketing. You know what I mean? Like it was like, it is all rigged. Totally, totally. Like so much of it. So you know, but yeah, but no. I mean, it wasn't like I didn't have a producer in the family

Starting point is 00:32:40 or a director, a casting director. No one's accusing you of nepo baby. I was called a nepo baby. Because your dad got high and what did he do? Because, yeah, it's like, because. Were your parents both like artists? My mom worked in like set design, props. And yeah, they were like, daughter of a sculptor

Starting point is 00:33:01 and a prop. I was like, guys. You know those sculpt, you know who has a lot of power in society? Sculptors. You know the art form that peaked in ancient Greece? Those are the people that are respected in the fucking 90s.

Starting point is 00:33:15 That's so funny. But I, oh but yeah, a friend's mother got me an audition for Lizzie McGuire. And I booked it, have never booked a role since from an audition, essentially. And yeah, so I was like, here we fucking go. Was it like a really offense? Was your friend's mom like, oh, they need annoying girl too? They needed a Jew.

Starting point is 00:33:38 Annoying Jew too? Student number two actually was the name. I got it. Who was it? Oh, student number two? Who's that shrill little girl? Yeah. Shrill dumb little girl? Yeah. Shrill dumb little bitch?

Starting point is 00:33:47 Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was a throw. I love when you get something and it's like, I literally am like doing something where it's like, we need a fat piece of shit. Yeah, totally.

Starting point is 00:34:01 And I'm like, hey, if the money's right, I'm there, baby. Absolutely. I don't even fucking care. They're like, bustalina. Yeah, and I do it. Yeah. I actually, I'm like, hey, if the money's right, I'm there, baby. Absolutely. I don't even fucking care. They're like, bustalina. Yeah, and I do it. I actually, I have it somewhere. I saved like 10 years ago.

Starting point is 00:34:11 I got an audition for something and it was like, truly said, what did it say? Like it was like, woman, different looking, maybe odd, possibly even deformed. Possibly even deformed. And I go, I'll take a swing. Didn't get it. Didn't get it. Didn't get it. I auditioned once for remember Girl Code.

Starting point is 00:34:30 Oh, of course. Not to be one of the talking heads, to be one of the reenactors. Wow. Being degraded, a line of me and other and and they go, OK, girls, just dance like you're at a party.

Starting point is 00:34:43 No, no, no, you're drunk. To not get that, they go, okay, girls, just dance like you're at a party. Now you're drunk. To not get that. They go, I like everyone but her. Because I'm sure my eyes were crossed and I was like, yeah, something. That's fucking hilarious. I didn't even think they auditioned those. I figured they went into the office and were like, hey, anybody want to fucking dance around why Chris DiStefano calls Chris Brown gay? Exactly.

Starting point is 00:35:07 No, they did not want me. That's so fucking funny. That's hilarious. Were you an only child? Yes. Do you have siblings? Oh. Wait, because I'm remembering another story.

Starting point is 00:35:20 I have to tell an audition story because I never get to do this. I once in New York went to an audition. I don't know even how the fuck I got there, but someone told me it was like wasn't fully off the Internet. Someone was like, oh, I know him or something. Yeah. Director guy. I go into this an apartment. I go up the stairs. There's a bench, whatever.

Starting point is 00:35:36 He's there with his camera. He goes, OK, we're just going to go through a series of emotions. So there's no tech. So just sit on the couch and, you know, okay, go ahead and do it. Just in a guy's house. And then, and then I'm not kidding, he goes, okay, let's just go through some stages of arousal. Oh no.

Starting point is 00:35:51 I'm on a bench like this, there's a camera like this. He goes, so, and he said, close your eyes. I was like, okay. He's like, okay, so just kind of, so those stages, so you're kind of just starting to get turned on. Like, no, no, no, no. All the way up to barking orgasm.

Starting point is 00:36:07 Oh my God. And I'm there. I was maybe 21. Yeah, yeah, you're like. Fully coming on a stool. And then he's bringing me down. OK, now. He's recording this.

Starting point is 00:36:20 Yes. Of course he's recording it. It's an audition. Fully this guy has a pyramid scheme to jerk off to. And he's like, okay, now you're coming down off of it, relax. And then, okay, that was great, thank you. Thank you so much. It's like for an I'm's dog food commercial. I mean, it's unbelievable.

Starting point is 00:36:44 That's fucking incredible. The footage that's big. Now that's a hit reel. I know. Put your dates at the bottom. You know what I mean? We're selling tickets baby. That is so fucking insane. It's insane. That was just allowed. And I didn't tell it like I didn't even know but I't like, I don't know about that. I left like, hey, you wanna get dinner? Like I just left. It was like truly a couple of years ago, I like uncovered it.

Starting point is 00:37:13 I was like, wait. I didn't think, I was just like, acting is acting. And if I'm an actress, then you have to be able to do it. Whatever they want, yeah. You've been to enough therapy where like that thawed out, like you know how they say like, if we melt the ice caps, ancient diseases will come out. Like I feel like you finally got through enough

Starting point is 00:37:34 of your stuff that it's like, whoa, I got like the lightest, the lightest form of casting couch assault that there is happening to me when I was just trying to make it in the city. Art house, casting couch. And I wonder what it was, it in the city. Art House, Casting Couch. And I wonder what it was. It was probably for some, I mean it was for nothing. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:37:50 There was no project. Probably for nothing. There was obviously no project. Yeah, his film. But I wonder what the lie was. Obviously it must have been like his short film. Damn, that is fucking hilarious. Yeah, I fucking, I don't like auditioning because I don't want to fucking, just put

Starting point is 00:38:03 me in the fucking thing. But again, not for going folks. Come thing. We're getting off our going folks. You know what you're gonna get. Come on, you need a fucking horny idiot. You need a fucking dickhead that kind of rude. Actually that's pretty much it. Yeah. But with a heart of gold.

Starting point is 00:38:17 Yeah, yeah, yeah, always. With a little heart of gold. I'm here for that. Interesting. Wow. Yeah, that's, so okay, sorry, because I asked you about that. Interesting. Yeah, that's, that, so okay, sorry, because I asked you about your childhood before. So New York, so New York, yeah, and then I was in New York and then I moved back to LA,

Starting point is 00:38:33 I don't know, like 10 years ago or something. You were like, I gotta be back? Not even, I just kinda was like, like I don't know, I was coming back here a lot. No, there was kind of a pressure like, hey, if you want a book, you gotta be in LA, which is like completely not real. Not true at all.

Starting point is 00:38:47 But also I started to see, like my boyfriend at the time was living here, so I was just like, I was coming back and forth a lot, and I was like, and I'm from here. Like it wasn't a dramatic move. Sure, sure, sure. No, I get, I just always assumed you were from, cause I guess when I-

Starting point is 00:39:00 New York. Yeah, I just assumed you were from New York. People think I'm from New York, I don't love it. Yeah, I wonder what that's about. York. People think I'm from New York. I love it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I wonder what that's about. Because I'm not a dumb whore. Yeah. Because I have curly hair.

Starting point is 00:39:09 It really is like just being artsy in a brunette. You're like, yeah, well, she's not from LA. Completely. Like, Queens. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just immediately. You're so broad over from Foggerstown Island. That's so fucking hilarious.

Starting point is 00:39:17 Yeah, I just assume that. I guess I also, because I just, I mean's so fucking hilarious. Yeah, I just assumed that. I guess I also, cause I just, I mean, cause it was, like I feel like a lot of the comedy you're doing was kind of very shitting on over the top theatrical. Like that kind, you also do have the best version of what an agent is like in the other two that I've ever seen in my life.

Starting point is 00:39:42 That's, I mean, you've done a lot of great stuff, but that was something, go check that out, folks, if you wanna see what. People scream, I'm gagging for you, faggot, at me on the street. Like, I'm like, okay, yeah, that's me. That really is probably your most quotable thing, too. I know, no, completely, completely.

Starting point is 00:39:58 A lot of your shit's awesome, but it's like, there's not like, it's like a thing to latch, like a phrase to latch on to. No, truly, no, I know. And that is like, you could be having, that could be T-shirts. Grave Stone. That could be koozies. You could sell a lot of merch.

Starting point is 00:40:12 I know, if I were a little different, I would maybe have really gone hard. Oh my God, that'd be your whole thing. Yeah. But yeah, that is fucking, but yeah, I just always assumed that. But I would have never thought artists in LA, you know, although that also makes a lot of sense.

Starting point is 00:40:30 Because you're probably like, my art is acting. I'm also an artist. I'm also, yeah. Did you ever guess you liked your parents? They're good, they're still together? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. I'm, yeah, I never rebelled.

Starting point is 00:40:42 Yeah, oh, interesting. Like I realized that, like I was always like, I love my mom. Like I just never, like, I mean, that, interesting. Like I realized that, I was always like, I love my mom. I just never, I mean, it was cool. I smoked weed in high school. I'm like, you know. Yeah, but I got it from my dad.

Starting point is 00:40:52 Yeah, well, literally. Yeah. Completely. And he was just like, surely he was like, never smoke weed in drive. I was like, you got it. And he was like, my dad, so scared of the cops,

Starting point is 00:41:04 like Jewish, he was like, never smoke weed by an open window because someone could smell it in the car. And I I was like, you got it. And he was like, my dad like so scared of like the cops, like Jewish, like he was like never smoke weed by an open window because someone could smell it. And I go, okay, you got it. So I've internalized so much of that. You got a hot box. I love your dad being like, I'm a daddy who smokes weed in the mornings and you got a hot box. Don't smoke weed near a window.

Starting point is 00:41:24 It's so fucking funny. They'll smell the waltz onto the street. Would your dad ever arrested or something? Actually, he had a lot of interactions with the cops because of protests and stuff. Yeah, hell yeah. So he was like, one of those guys, fuck the pigs type of guy. Exactly. That's pretty fun.

Starting point is 00:41:42 I mean, I guess that is something to, if you're just kind of chill, your kids don't really need to rebel. That's the thing. In fact, yeah. Like it wasn't, and yeah, I didn't, yeah, there was not that much to rebel. It seems like they had the sweet spot because the way for those kids to rebel is to true, is like become a banker. Exactly.

Starting point is 00:41:59 Like I have friends who are hysterical, like artists that are so like, you know, used to live in warehouses and filth and make the weirdest shit. And I'm like, and they've had kids and it's like, those kids are going to be on Wall Street. Yeah, yeah, completely. Those kids are going to be Republicans by the time they're like 11. They're gonna be homophobic somehow.

Starting point is 00:42:20 Yeah, they're day traders when they're four. They are already, yeah, for sure. But it's nice, your parents kind of hit the nice, a nice stride in the middle. Turned out perfect, I don't know. Yeah, just one of the most regular people I've ever met in my life. But did you, so was your mom from Spain? Like, did you get to go a bunch? No, so my mom was born here.

Starting point is 00:42:42 Oh, born here. But, uh. I was born here, but my family came in the 80s. But like her, I mean, yeah, her first language is Spanish. Yeah, so it mom was born here. Oh, born here. I was born here, but my family came in the 80s. But like her, I mean, yeah, her first language is Spanish. Yeah, so it's the same thing. That's kind of first generation. Exactly. But do you have family over there?

Starting point is 00:42:52 Did you get to go? Did you go a bunch? The last relatives I had that were living in Spain moved, so they're not there anymore. So I haven't spent time there. Like I've been a couple of times, but not for real. Damn. That's so fun. Spain is an interesting place to be from too.

Starting point is 00:43:06 Cause it's like. Androsia, Malaga. Not, you speak? A rough side. Do you speak Spanish? Just a little bit. Is that a little bit? I'm kind of doing Italian.

Starting point is 00:43:13 Yeah, yeah. I really got, like, I really was good, like, in high school. And there's videos of myself when I'm much younger speaking Spanish. And I'm like, ha ha ha. And I just lost, and now I'm shy with it. And I, you know, it's like. Interesting. So it's part of my tenure plan to really go back. Gotta get back in there. I mean, trust me, I'm in, ha ha ha. And I just lost, and now I'm shy with it. And you know, it's like, so it's part of my tenure plan to really get back.

Starting point is 00:43:27 I mean, trust me, I'm in Mexico for a week, honey. It's pretty good. But I can't just, yeah. You live, I mean, you live here. I know, it's criminal to not speak every fucking day. Yeah, yeah. I'm always jealous of people who do speak Spanish because I'm like, because my Greek really is not so good.

Starting point is 00:43:45 And it's like, I just feel, it's also frustrating when you talk for a living and your whole thing is being quick and having a thing to say. And I'm just locked in these conversations and I'm like, I got a good one, but I can't, my brain doesn't know it in Greek as much, but I want to get there.

Starting point is 00:44:01 I'm with you too, with the whole 10 year plan, should have like, well, my brother's having a kid soon, and so part of me is like, damn, I gotta pretty much be the relative who speaks Greek. There's no one else who's gonna speak Greek to these kids. It fucking evaporates. I think about my grandparents. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:44:19 A hundred years changes fucking everything. It's so fucked up. It is insane. It's so weird. Like if my grandmother met me, like it's crazy. And I'm like, Mr. Chimney. I'm like, childless throwing my jaw out from a chimney mishap. It's a chimney guy was fucking bad at his job.

Starting point is 00:44:42 It caused you physical pain. It manifested a physical pain. Yeah, oh yeah. And how just truly horrible their lives were. Just my grandparents, the whole family lived on a one floor shitty house. And it was like, you know, you're just sharing a room with everyone.

Starting point is 00:44:59 I mean, now they're still, I guess that is how you grew up too. You refugee ass motherfucker. Oh yeah, grandma's in the living room on a mattress in the corner. But we still got, but you could be in a generation, you could have the whitest kids of all time if you wanted to.

Starting point is 00:45:14 You're really close. I'm assimilating hardcore here. You really are dude, you're gonna move to fucking Ohio, I can feel it. My brother makes fun of him, and he's gonna call it, he's gonna name his son Dylan. His name is eldest Dylan nice job just eldest at the football game being like good job Dylan

Starting point is 00:45:32 I'm scared of losing the fucking I'm scared of losing Greek shit and it just happens you just fucking yeah, it just goes like that It's so you got it down. I'm trying so hard Yeah, I think my grandparents would at least be like, that's a weird Greek guy if they met me. But I think, but my brothers, they're a little more, even just being two years younger than me, because I was the oldest and my parents

Starting point is 00:45:56 didn't speak any English when I was born, or like never in the house. I lived in a house that was essentially a Greek house. Immersion center. Yeah, for real, for real. My grandparents would send us tapes. All the Disney movies I watched were dubbed over Little Mermaid in Greek and shit. But then I went to school, I guess they just had more, for whatever reason, by the time

Starting point is 00:46:20 my brothers came around, it was like in two years, people are just speaking more English. But I don't know, I guess I'm against assimilation. You know, tell Uncle Sam to suck your dick. No, I know my mom tells me that my grandmother was like, my grandmother basically never learned English. It was very like, she was like, we're Spanish. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, these people, this country.

Starting point is 00:46:39 Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I'm here like, ah, na, na, na, na. It's a graduation song. I was trying to sing the anthem and I did. Wait, where'd your mom grow up? Mill Valley, which now is like a very bougie. Like when she, my mom's 80.

Starting point is 00:46:53 Like when she was there, it was a train town. It's like, oh, I'm an immigrant. And now it's like this like gorgeous, it's like a silicon, it's like a fucking tech adjacent. It's like an hour from San Francisco or something. So it's like, yeah. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha's like yeah. Damn beautiful though They didn't hang on to any property that would have been

Starting point is 00:47:12 Damn but you sure you got some sculptures when they die. Yeah There's some stuff you got some stuff you got like some I don't know the bar from cocktail that she designed I don't know, the bar from Cocktail that she designed. Yeah, yeah, there's some, exactly. They got me my whole career. Did she work on anything cool? She actually has one, I have to say, really fucking cool cred. Hit us with it.

Starting point is 00:47:31 They call me an Epo Baby. She made the Stonehenge prop, it's in the spinal tap. Whoa, that is fucking cool. No, it's cool. And she was like insanely hot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like, it's cool. Oh, that is awesome.

Starting point is 00:47:45 How many like, how many fucking loser actors tried to fuck your mom on set? Well, Kevin Costner I know. Wow! Yeah. Fuck. Yeah. Mr. Yellowstone himself.

Starting point is 00:47:54 I know. I just watched Robin Hood, on Robin Hood? I just watched it, it was pretty good. Oh! Did she do that? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. She did then like, just a lot of like, advertisements. She had like some Devo music videos.

Starting point is 00:48:05 She kind of was all over, and she was a set painter too. That's cool. I know, it is cool. I was never really trying to be an actor, and I randomly got into doing some shit. And you realize how cool the people that work on this shit are. They're like, it's fun to stand up and like,

Starting point is 00:48:21 it's like just you by yourself, and it's just you and fucking club owners, and it just sucks dick. And then you shoot something, and it's like, hey, yourself and you're just you and fucking club owners and it just sucks dick. And then you shoot something and it's like, hey, the props guy's fucking cool. You know what I mean? Like we're just hanging out. Like this is a real human being.

Starting point is 00:48:32 I don't have to deal with actors if I don't want to. If this person sucks, so yeah, anyway. By the way, shout out to the crew. I guess I'll just say shout out to the crews, yeah. Kevin Costner, nice try. Yeah, I know. You didn't get to fuck Kate's mom. Damn, I know, I know. Well, I wonder what period Costner, nice try. Yeah, I know. You didn't get to fuck Kate's mom. Damn, I know, I know.

Starting point is 00:48:46 I wonder what period Costner this was. Did he really have his fastball still? I think it was him like really hot young, kind of peeking. Wow. Maybe a little before. Your dad's just like, have fun at work, babe. They weren't even together yet. Oh wow.

Starting point is 00:49:04 So she fucked Kevin Costner and lied to it to you. Yeah, probably. She was like, nothing ever happened. Yeah. He asked me out a couple times. I wasn't with your father, but it didn't... If he asks, definitely don't bring it up. You're like, why have we never seen dances with wolves?

Starting point is 00:49:23 Excluded from the archive. You're watching Bull Durham, your dad's like, you just we never seen dances with wolves? Yeah, excluded from the archive. You're watching Bull Durham, your dad's like, you just hear him fucking break a sculpture in the back. Stare it off! I have to go do dabs. I have to go do dabs to chill out. Oh my God, I got like a dab thing sent to me. I mean, I can't like-

Starting point is 00:49:41 It'll fuck your brain up. Well, it got sent to me and then I just gave it to like a much younger cousin and then years later was like, I shouldn't have done that. That was crazy. I fucked up their development. Yeah, I'm not gonna use this thing. You can handle it. Yeah, you're a teenage boy. I don't know about you guys, but I like keeping my money where it is, in my freaking pocket. Unfortunately, the big wireless carriers, these greedy pricks want your fucking money too.

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Starting point is 00:51:30 Oh, I had to go on a little sobriety break, which is coming. We're close. We're like a month away. From what? All of it? I did a year. I turned 35, February 11th. And I had a crazy year before and I was like, I need to fucking, I need to chill baby. It's good to pull back. Good to pull back, but we're getting close and let's just say I'm not sticking with sobriety.

Starting point is 00:51:53 Yeah, lessons learned. Didn't learn anything. What kind of drink, what's your cocktail? I'm not a huge drinker, really it's more social drinking for me and it's more like nice ass day, barbecue. You're fine. You don't have to take a year off. You're fine.

Starting point is 00:52:10 No, no, but it's weed and it's fucking, I was taking pills, just whatever you got. I was taking them. Those are awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's probably bad. That's the worst one for you. I was just like, is there any kind of thing that people get addicted to? I was just fuckin' slammin'.

Starting point is 00:52:25 I have so much paranoia around specifically pill addiction that it's like. Yeah. You won't do any of them? Do you take a painkiller? Truly, I have, but also, I have clonopin' in my bag right now in case. Like, it's a very, I have a fucking pharmacy on me

Starting point is 00:52:40 at all times that I've never touched. Really? I'm not kidding, I have clonopin' in there from, this is no exaggeration, it's easily seven years old. Oh wow. But it still works. Every now and then if I do, you're going to fucking Australia, London, you gotta sleep snap one and a half, I've never taken a full, I wouldn't dare.

Starting point is 00:52:55 But when I take my half of clonopin, I'm like, oh no, I hope I don't get addicted. I just really, but it's just like a thing in my head with pills. I'm scared. I get it. I mean, you're fully right. Yeah, yeah. 100% like a generation ago, like people just constantly, we had back aches, just got addicted to heroin essentially.

Starting point is 00:53:14 Just pill heroin. You're completely right about that one. Even something like this, like the jaw thing. I'm like, oh, I could see just something to just melt away the pain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wouldn't be bad. It's a slippery slip.

Starting point is 00:53:24 Have a little fucking wine. Have you ever had some sake last night? There we go. Didn't help. Now we're talking, yeah, no. You're not gonna medicate with that, but yeah, I don't know, I was just kinda getting. Getting addicted to sake would be really funny.

Starting point is 00:53:35 That would be really funny. Just the weirdest person. That's it, yeah. Just some fucking guy who likes anime too much, he's doing it just to be like, I'm so Japanese, I'm even addicted to Japanese shit. It's more- Bottles of sake everywhere, his apartment.

Starting point is 00:53:47 Yeah. That's how expensive. Do heroin, it would be cheaper than fucking importing sake all the time. Do you have any, have you ever had like, felt like a vice? What's the closest thing? It's just so boring, but like, my phone.

Starting point is 00:54:03 But like truly, that's the thing I abuse. You gotta get a brick. Like I have a brick. Do you like it? So God, oh my God. So it changed my life for a week. And then I was like, I don't know about that. Yeah, like truly like got the brick.

Starting point is 00:54:17 I was like, like I felt like I was seeing colors for the first time. And I was like, I'm so present. And then I just, of course, right back in. That's like, I mean, I'm tied off. Like with my phone, I mean, I know that we all are and he wants to hear about it, but like that's the most destructive thing in my life

Starting point is 00:54:31 is my phone by fucking far. Oh, without question. We're so fucked. That's one thing that I'm like, I have to tackle this as well at some point. I used to put it in a different room when I went to bed, but I'm back. I guess that's probably what I've done.

Starting point is 00:54:44 I've just replaced drugs with my phone. No, it's an amazing little ejection machine. It's like so powerful. They gotta stop putting like ladies working out with huge tits. I know, with AI. They gotta get that out of here. I'm not gonna be able to help myself.

Starting point is 00:55:00 You're gonna endlessly scroll on that, yeah. We should do that. We should fucking go to Washington, a march on Washington. Yeah, it's going. Make shit a little, make the ladies on there less hot. Make the guys getting hit in the nuts less funny. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:55:14 You should make it shittier. That's how we do it. Apparently they're gonna sell, I guess we should keep it not topical. TikTok, January 20th, what is it, 19th? Yeah. That's the big day? It's probably today.

Starting point is 00:55:24 They're not gonna. They've sold TikTok. Oh, did it happen? Yeah. That's the big day? It's probably today. They're not gonna. They've sold. Oh, did it happen? Yeah, TikTok has either been sold or it hasn't. There's no way. Yeah, they're not. There's no way. Someone's gonna buy it.

Starting point is 00:55:33 They're not gonna shut down fucking TikTok. And then this comes out the day they fucking shut it down. But I mean Instagram. Do I want it? Instagram reels our boy fucking Zuckerberg, our sexy Mark. I know. Have you seen him? He's looking good. Oh, I want this. No, he got a new face Zuckerberg, our sexy Mark. Have you seen him? He's looking good. Unless I want this.

Starting point is 00:55:47 No, he got a new face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He got filler. I go, well, correct. If you're that rich, of course. He's got fucking, he's got weird hair. But his whole face is different now, right? He's got like change.

Starting point is 00:55:56 But even, yes, he's definitely gotten something. He started doing jujitsu. Which I guess, if you would be rich, I just don't understand why he's still doing a job. I guess those guys just like the thrill of. Take calls, right? And so many people have to listen to you. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:56:12 I guess those guys don't, you never get that rich by being good at chilling. Like in my head I'm like, cash out. Yeah, vacation. Yeah, pour some stories. It's so crazy they don't cash out. That's insane. That's why I say the only one I respect is MySpace Tom.

Starting point is 00:56:26 Yeah, because he got out. He got out, sold to Rupert Murdoch, by the way. He lost a bunch of money, sold MySpace for $500 million, fucking nothing. Cost Rupert Murdoch money, and now he's like a fucking photographer, and he's just going to cool places, taking pictures. How old was he then?

Starting point is 00:56:41 How old was he? Was he like 19? Like what was that? He must have been really young. And then he sold it and now he's out there. I think he's got a sexy wife. I should fucking hope so. Show that to MySpace Tom.

Starting point is 00:56:55 Tom, come on the podcast man. We'd love to have you brother. Very zen life. What's the place you, okay you cash out. What are you doing? what's the place you, okay, you cash out, what are you doing? What's the setup? Where are you moving? Oh my God, I want a home.

Starting point is 00:57:10 Okay, well obviously, get a great, get an amazing New York City apartment. Of course. I want a great apartment in Mexico City. Okay. I want an apartment in London, obviously. Okay, okay, okay. And then I want like a fun like beach spot. Of course.

Starting point is 00:57:22 Maybe somewhere in the Yucatan. All right. Different parts of Mexico. And then, I'm really getting into this. And then I guess maybe like a fun beach spot. Of course. Maybe it's more in the Yucatan. All right. Different parts of Mexico. And then I guess maybe like a mountain house, Colorado or something. And how much time are you spending in each place? Once every other Christmas in Colorado. Sure, sure, sure.

Starting point is 00:57:34 Yeah. So we're not renting it. We're buying a place. Buying and then for friends. That's a cool move. That's the way to be rich. If you're rich as hell and you let your boys use the fucking... Of course. Use the chalet.

Starting point is 00:57:46 Yeah, yeah. Yep, Eldest, anytime you wanna go to the shitty house in Greek town that my brother's about to move out of, you can stay there whenever you want, man. Yeah, I'll go crash there. Definitely the Mediterranean. Of course. Italy, I wanna be on the coast.

Starting point is 00:57:59 Okay, I have to do this to you, one place, you gotta stick, what's the one place out of all those? It is LA. You mean like if I only could live in one place? Only could live in one spot. LA, I'm just very like home. I mean, you'd be in like truly one place forever. I guess maybe New York, but I'd have to be an orphan.

Starting point is 00:58:17 My parents would have to no longer be living, which will never happen, of course. So yeah, so in a crazy universe where. It'll never, you said your mom was 80? Yeah, yeah. Oh. So it looks like I'll be living here forever. See, that's where growing up in a loving family, that's the flip side.

Starting point is 00:58:34 Oh, I remember talking about this years ago. I go, maybe I should start separating now. I go, maybe I should start feeling like, I don't know about you actually. Try to love someone less. Oh, no, that's over. No, I mean, I've, I mean, well, my mom, that's gonna be brutal. My dad, I will be pretty sad.

Starting point is 00:58:51 You know, I'll keep it at that. Dad, dad, you hate to see it happen. It fucking sucks. Moms, they have to figure out a pill so that moms don't die. I mean, it is like, I'm going to lose it. That's when you need pills. Keep those clonies.

Starting point is 00:59:06 For sure. Keep those clonies around. Pills. Yeah, yeah. Oof. Damn, yeah. But anyway. Yeah, so anyway, everybody at home

Starting point is 00:59:14 thinking about your parents dying, it's okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'll happen sometime. Yeah, just keep going. Keep it moving, but yeah. And then everyone has a shitty family. Look at that, kids. Enjoy. You're gonna be a lot less sad than Kate is when your parents die.

Starting point is 00:59:27 For sure. I know. I know. You're kind of paying for it. Enjoy it. Yeah. It's got to, all the love accumulates into sadness interest when a tragedy happens. So silver lining to all our fucked up wizards. Is there really is a silver lining for y'all? Silver lining. Silver lining. If your dad, If your dad tried to pay his rent in camel cash, silver lining, when he dies, you're probably

Starting point is 00:59:52 will be like, oh, dang, and then move on. And just be kind of sad when you have Chipotle that day. Yeah. Just be like, the steak isn't hitting, my dad died. That'll be the biggest thing. Yeah, that's what, so, yeah, so I just, I guess I, I were, how about, have you had, was there, okay, I guess we don't want to talk about death,

Starting point is 01:00:14 but I guess asking somebody what the first funeral they went to is not a fun question, but here we are. First funeral. It's the first funeral. What did we go to? I think mine was just some Greek I did not care about at all. And then I was kind of like, this is kind of fun. Yeah, yeah, totally.

Starting point is 01:00:33 I was little as fuck. I think my first funeral was open casket, actually. That's tough. That's tough. Yeah, no one I was close to. No one you were close to? No one I was particularly close to you. Well, that's Yeah, that's so that's even that's kind of weird. That's like a kid going to the science

Starting point is 01:00:49 It is like a I feel like I have six memories and that's one of them. Yeah Why are they all fucking looking like that? Yeah. Yeah damn I did not approach the casket Where do you want to go? What do you want to do hit from a coconut? Hits me on the head, knocks me out. And then, do you want to be one of those tree pod people? Oh yeah, it's putting the earth in the tree. Seems kind of fun. Yeah, being incinerated, mmmm. I don't want that. I'm too beautiful.

Starting point is 01:01:18 Yeah, think a tree. Plus, if you incinerate me, that's like, you know when you fucking try and grill pork belly and there's flare ups? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Be a little... Yeah there's flare ups? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'd be a little. Yeah, you take a second. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't want to get smoky in there. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:01:30 That has to happen, right? Fat guys get incinerated, they get smokier. And they. Did they cut your fat out before? They might have to reposition you a few times. Yeah, they flip you over to get an even sear. Yeah, yeah. You start a grease fire at the fucking burning place.

Starting point is 01:01:45 That's fucking hilarious. Yeah, that is so, do they chop you up when they incinerate you? You know what's crazy? No. They don't. No, they just put you in. Just one big ass thing. They don't chop.

Starting point is 01:02:00 I guess that's- Chopping, that's so funny. They mutilate you, they chop you up. They chop you on up. They put you in. Like a butcher. They're like, look, we don't got a big oven. I think it's that they put you in and it's all about getting the hearth, the abdomen. It's not called the hearth, but that's where all the organs are. The hearth is an oven, I believe.

Starting point is 01:02:18 Yeah, so they put you in the hearth. And then, yeah, I think it's all about you just kind of go up in flames. You know a lot about this, I didn't realize. I didn't watch Six Feet Under a lot, yeah. Oh, right. That's true, I guess that's true, they put those guys in. Yeah, they're heavily featured. But that's Hollywood, you never know.

Starting point is 01:02:33 I'm thinking of a guy with a fuckin' chainsaw. Chop me up first. Putting a leg up. You should be asked to be chopped up, that could be fun. Yeah, if you wanna be chopped. I wanna be chopped up. I wanna know that somebody had to fucking cut through the gristle with a

Starting point is 01:02:48 chainsaw. Could be fun. Maybe not for them, but for me. I'm watching from heaven. It's where they're like, you know? It's really, it's like, it's like you're buried or you're burned alive. Oh no, you're not alive. you're dead. But it's kind of like. There's no middle ground. That's it? Yeah. Buried or burned. I guess right, what else?

Starting point is 01:03:10 And if you burn them, it was cool. It was cool when they put you out in the sea and they hit you with an arrow. That's cool. That's fucking cool. But in a big oven? Like what, like your fucking trash? Yeah, well exactly.

Starting point is 01:03:21 No thanks. Yeah, I guess I gotta go in the tree. I gotta be a tree guy. I gotta be a tree guy. I Want to be a tree school. I want to be a fun tree It's our pineapples trees. Yeah, big pineapple. Yeah Wait, yeah in the ground, how are those must be right? Yeah Or do they just come out like potatoes? I'll just do a little Or do they just come out like potatoes? I'll just do a little fucking producing.

Starting point is 01:03:43 Where do they come from? I'll just do some fucking producing. It's gotta be a tree, it's gotta be a vine, a plant. Not a tree, but a flowering plant in the bromeliac. Number one relax. I hear a tree. I hear a flowering plant, yeah. Okay, so I guess I have to go somewhere tropical.

Starting point is 01:03:59 Destination funeral, why don't they do those? God, that's good. That could be fun. If you're rich as hell, pay for everybody to have a vacation. I mean, this is what people don't know how to use their money. They put you in a fucking coconut or a fucking pineapple flower. Yeah. Just a big ass. That would be a real gift to give the living.

Starting point is 01:04:16 And then I want you. But then you have to eat my my pineapples afterwards. Yeah, yeah. That's the trade off. I want you to you have to ingest the dead. Feast on me to enjoy me one last time by eating like pineapples from your dead uncle. That would be fucking- I wonder how I'd feel if I would eat fruit from my,

Starting point is 01:04:33 let's say my uncle Dmitri died. Would I eat his fruit that came from him? You wouldn't, Eldiz? I don't know. I don't want to eat fruit from like one of my relatives. Maybe my mom or dad, but- But not like- Not someone- No, uncles, I don't know, I don't wanna eat fruit from like one of my relatives. Maybe my mom or dad, but. Not someone. The uncles, I don't know.

Starting point is 01:04:48 The uncle? Your Albanian uncle, you don't wanna eat his fucking figs? They're gonna do something with mushrooms, right? And like burials, like isn't that mushrooms are like the, Oh yeah. The new, you know, everything. The new economy across every area of life. You a psychedelics guy, you do mushrooms?

Starting point is 01:05:04 Do you have to ask? Yeah. No, I mean, yeah, not like a ton. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that'd be fun. Make mushrooms out of you and then your fucking friends have to trip on you. That would be hell, by the way.

Starting point is 01:05:17 Yeah. Imagine the grief process with that. That's kind of fun. Actually, maybe that's good. Yeah, they're like, well, imagine if you could come back as a ghost but only like that and you could fuck with your friends. If you ate that's good. Yeah, they're like, well, imagine if you could come back as a ghost, but only like that, and you could fuck with your friends. If you ate my mushroom,

Starting point is 01:05:28 I would 100% fuck with you. You wouldn't fuck with me. Yes. My mind is too strong. No, no, no. You're fucking- I'm not putting up with this shit. You're weak. You're weak. I'm not putting up with this shit

Starting point is 01:05:38 up in the terrestrial realm or from beyond. No, dude, you're fucking eating my death mushrooms, you're eating my death pineapple, and you're gonna love it. Do you do ghosts? Yeah, I'll get back in there. I feel like my brain is feeble right now. Like you're open to it?

Starting point is 01:05:54 Uh, I just feel like I would get fucked up by, like the last time I did mushrooms, I had a horrible time, because I was like, oh. I had a bad time too, actually. I'm fucking sad. And they really tell ya. My last, because I did like a big thing in the mountains, whatever, a few months ago. like, oh. I had a bad time too, actually. I'm fucking sad. Yeah. And they really tell ya. My last, because I did like a big thing

Starting point is 01:06:07 in the mountains, whatever, a few months ago. When you're like planning it and it doesn't go, yeah. Well, when I tell you, I was literally seeing like texts. It was my phone. Oh no. It was like, so what I saw was, it was a dragon breathing fire for hours,

Starting point is 01:06:25 and I felt like the weight of like the world's grief. I was just sobbing for hours, which is good, at the very least you get to cry out. No, it was good, it was good. And then just like, my phone. I was seeing texts from people that I had forgotten to respond to. I saw, no, I'm not kidding.

Starting point is 01:06:39 I had texts from this woman I kind of know being like, hey, would you wanna drop in and do a set? I was like, I never got back. It was all like these small social missteps. And it was just texts. It was just texts. That's nuts. Yeah, you gotta get off your phone.

Starting point is 01:06:55 Well, by the way, I came back, as you can imagine, and I was like, brick me, brick me about the brick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to go like a month off, not look at all. Sure. But then you're back, you relapse. Wow, seeing your phone during a mushroom trip is in the mountains too. It wasn't like a impromptu take some mushrooms at home.

Starting point is 01:07:11 I drove for hours. Beautiful cottage probably. I was spending the night. I did a full ceremony and I was just like, my phone. I didn't respond. I left a mid-level booker on read. Yeah. And then me just weeping.

Starting point is 01:07:32 It was like my life has to change. Well, that's beautiful. I think we've gotten an idea of the kind of people we're dealing with here between Kate and myself, folks. We're ready to really guide. The way those mushrooms guided you towards the brick, momentarily, I think we're ready to guide our friends. And I'm putting on my jacket.

Starting point is 01:07:51 Yeah, you're getting serious. Cold yet sweating, yeah. Oh, interesting. I'm fucking burning up over here. I hope I'm okay. I've had a lot of coffees. Oh yeah, I know, I have no Celsius here. Oh, Celsius is a, that's tough.

Starting point is 01:08:08 Go ahead, little Eldy, play us something. Hey, Eldy. We don't see the thing. So, I've kind of a. What are you doing? The fuck are you doing? Sorry, we were in a real bullshit operation here. That's what you get.

Starting point is 01:08:30 Do you want any Albanians, Kate? We like to cover that with our guests. God. I hope this is Albanian. Nope. Let me, uh, no. Lucky you. Come on, what the fuck are you doing? You're just typing the word display?

Starting point is 01:08:50 What did you even do, dumbass? Dude, you're fucking embarrassing me. How fucking dare you? I bring you to fucking sunny Los Angeles. I take you from your family after I promised you a week off and I was like, actually dude, we have to go to LA last minute and this is how you fucking repay me. Oh, you got it buddy. Okay, we'll just do this.

Starting point is 01:09:13 But you got to put it up front. And you got to get whatever the fuck the stage manager is out of there. All right, great, we did it. Oh, you know what I know you guys like doing? I know you like keeping it twisted. That's right. I know we got a bunch of fun hunters in our audience, okay? Type of people that like a refreshing beverage

Starting point is 01:09:36 to hit their lips, brewed with real fresh iced tea, still 5% alcohol by volume, something to get you feeling right, something that's refreshing, something that tastes freaking good and that'll let you keep it twisted. I'm talking of course of our good pals twisted tea. You know I took, I was very in very poor health last year and I've done better and part of that was just to test my willpower, I abstained from even a friendly little alcoholic beverage from here from time to time.

Starting point is 01:10:12 I got less than a week left on that. And can I tell you what I'm cracking? February 11th, last year is when I started being sober. February 12th of this year, when I have completed one full year, I'm cracking myself a twisted tea and I suggest you do the same folks. We love twisted tea, we love keeping it twisted here at StavisWorld. If you want us to keep it, to keep keeping

Starting point is 01:10:34 it twisted, go do us a favor, buy some twisted tea, okay? Go just just get some twisted tea, grab a refreshing twisted tea today and keep it twisted Hey Elvis so I've kind of a two-part question My ex-boyfriend and I we remained friends after we broke up interesting and After we broke up I downloaded, you know all the regular dating apps And I would get the fucking, what's it called, like a super like sent to me each time on every single app by one of my ex-boyfriend's best friends.

Starting point is 01:11:19 Whoa. And so I can. Damn, super like across platforms? Not even one? Not even the like, look, I'll match her if she matches me. Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. But the super like on Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, he's probably paying for those too.

Starting point is 01:11:37 I don't think those are free. Interesting, well okay, what a scumbag. Keep going, Eldis. The question is two part because I wanna know, should I view that as kind of like shitty behavior? This best friend, he knew him since like third grade. Oh my God. And we're in our late 20s.

Starting point is 01:11:57 This is crazy. I don't know. Should I view it as shitty behavior? Yeah, yeah. That's part one. Part two is he's gotten me pregnant. And I want to trick the other guy into thinking it's his kid. Okay, what else?

Starting point is 01:12:14 This is awesome. And we're in our late 20s. So should I view that as shitty behavior? Because I do. And then the second part of the question is should I tell my ex-boyfriend, the friend, that his friend has essentially tried to date me for like fucking three years.

Starting point is 01:12:35 Like as soon as we broke up. That's not getting crazy. That's what I heard. Like I don't know, I haven't told him because I feel like that would ruin his friendship with one of his oldest friends, you know? But, man. So, is that shitty to do?

Starting point is 01:12:49 Yes. Send a fucking super like to the ex-girlfriend of one of your best friends. Sweetie. And like, repeatedly try to date her. Saying it out loud is so funny. I don't know. The internet is fucking weird.

Starting point is 01:13:02 The internet's weird? Alright, let me know. I mean, this is nuts. You do know, you keep saying I don't know. There's a weird? I mean this is not. You do know, you keep saying I don't know. There's a deeper issue here, doll. You do know. Yeah, yeah, that is true. I mean, they've stayed friends.

Starting point is 01:13:12 Now the question, the fact that you're even like, is this shitty? Ridiculous, of course it's shitty. But do you tell is a little more interesting. Because, I mean, my, if this is me. You don't tell, you just leave it alone. Yeah, well they stayed friends though she said. Now did you actually stay friends?

Starting point is 01:13:31 Or is this like an amicable breakup? I forgot about that detail. Yeah, if you're broken up, broken up and you have no contact, you don't fucking, you don't reopen, you don't text your friend like, hey by the way your friend tried to fuck, or your ex, hey by the way your friend tried to fuck me. Because that can seem kind friend like, hey, by the way, your friend tried to fuck, or your ex, hey, by the way, your friend tried to fuck, because that can seem kind of like gloating,

Starting point is 01:13:48 kind of shitty behavior. Stayed friends. I guess the answer lies in how true of a friendship they have. You know what I mean? Like, if, but how true could they have? If they're like, you're friendly with your ex, there's no bad blood, I think you maybe still leave it alone.

Starting point is 01:14:05 If you're really close. Yeah, or even if you see him and it comes up. But now, would I- I need more information. Would I like to, I mean, yeah, I mean- Call her. The more information we need is about her and her ex. My hunch is probably when she says they stayed friends,

Starting point is 01:14:22 it's just they don't hate each other. Yeah. People just, people like confuse. People confuse just being adults and not trying to ruin each other's lives and being friends. Because it's like, if what you mean by be friends is if you see him on the street, you'll be like, hey, what's up?

Starting point is 01:14:38 And you'll chat for two minutes. That's not enough to tell him. No, that's not a friendship. Even if you have any kind of relationship and you act... Now this is where we have to trust you. And that's hard because she started this call with, is this shitty behavior? So her judgments aren't the clearest.

Starting point is 01:14:56 But if you think you're in actual friendship with this guy, I think you could tell him, would I like to know this? Right, right, right. Now let's flip it there. Would I like to know this? Right, right, right. Now let's flip it there. Would I like to know this? Fuck. How long were they together? Did she say all this? Uh, man.

Starting point is 01:15:12 She didn't. Not really, but. And it's been years. This guy's been trying to fuck her for years. Wait, so he's continuing to do this for years? Yeah, every time she comes up on his like, dating profile, he super likes her. The super like is a nuts maneuver.

Starting point is 01:15:27 Wait, so I've never been on those apps, so I don't even know. What's the super like? So it's like because... You swipe. Yeah, so there's the regular swipe, which the way these things work, women will never see, right? Because it's like every guy's like, I'd fuck her. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 01:15:43 So they had to institute a, she at least has to look at your face to reject you thing. That's what the super like is. So you can send like- If you both like each other, it'll show up in your inbox, but the super like makes it so that she doesn't have to like you back

Starting point is 01:15:57 and it'll still show up in her inbox. She'll at least see that you like. So it's like front of the line. Front of the line, hey, decide whether you like this guy or not. Well, I'm gonna go somewhere that there might be something subtextual here, I don't wonder if she's interested. Ooh.

Starting point is 01:16:11 Because I go, is this shitty behavior? Is this shitty behavior? I think she's questioning maybe her own notice. Maybe. Interesting, interesting. Is this wrong, is this wrong? Yeah, cause like why would you? Almost wanting someone to say,

Starting point is 01:16:23 hey, there's only so many people out there. He likes you, what are you gonna do? I think there's a little something going on here. That is interesting, because I did sort of think that other shoe was gonna drop at some point in this call, but it's also like, if that isn't the case, why do you still care? Because didn't you say he's been doing this for years?

Starting point is 01:16:43 Yeah. It's like, at this point, who gives a fuck? Why are you even paying attention to it? I'm like, where are these people living? I'm like, are you all in different cities? True. They're probably in a smaller town. What's the area code?

Starting point is 01:16:55 Scroll up. I don't know what that is, but whatever. Who gives a fuck? Yeah. We won't dox them, but let's see. Yeah. Yeah. Some shitty, it looks like kind of, yeah let's see. Yeah. Yeah. Some shitty, it looks like kind of, yeah, this place doesn't make sense.

Starting point is 01:17:10 The dating pool's shallower. But yeah, I mean. As you said, what kind of friendship are we talking about? If you have an actual friendship, maybe. But even then it's like. These motherfuckers are not friends. These two guys are not close friends, right? Well, they are, unfortunately, but that's the level

Starting point is 01:17:26 of friendship we're dealing with here. That's the thing. That's the thing is like, this is not, this isn't a good guy. I can't imagine, like look, if a friend's ex to like swipe right on her and be like, if she likes me back. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:17:43 It's like, I am not making any decisions. This is just a fact-finding swipe. Right, right. You know back. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, I'm not making any decisions, this is just a fact-finding swipe. You know what I mean? I am not necessarily gonna try and fuck her. Now if she wants to fuck me, then I have to do my due diligence and really run the numbers, but the super like is like, fuck my friend,

Starting point is 01:18:00 and to do it over and over again. Every platform. Aggressive. So he's definitely a scumbag. That's true. And then the answer is like, how much do you really want to get in there? Who fucking cares? It's your ex.

Starting point is 01:18:10 Just let it go. You're in your, she said she's in her late 20s, so you broke up in your mid-20s. Yeah. Fuck, just move on with your life. I think so too. And even maybe block this guy. Or even be like, match with him and be like, if you keep doing this, I'm telling Dan. And that's it.

Starting point is 01:18:28 That's the solution. Tell him you're gonna tell Dan. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, oh, so you're messaging back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's still trying to fuck her. It's like the guy playing the violin is the Titanic.

Starting point is 01:18:41 Let me try to talk you out of it. Go to dinner with me one night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a real serious issue. She's so, she might even fall for that, honestly, unfortunately, because she doesn't even know if this is shitty or not. I don't know, is trying to betray your friend, pathetically trying and failing.

Starting point is 01:19:00 Got to keep doing it. It's really bold. It's like, and also like so weird and sad. Yeah. Like I bet you if she hit him up, he wouldn't even really know what to do. Yeah, yeah, totally. He's a coward. Fuck this guy.

Starting point is 01:19:15 I actually hate him. You can't be fucking a friend's ex, trying to fucking friend's ex. Go ahead, eldest. Hey, stop. Hey, eldest. Hey, guest. I'm calling because I need a little bit of advice on a situation. First thing, I'm married and I have a 14-month-old son. Do not worry. I do not want to cheat.

Starting point is 01:19:34 I'm incredibly happy. I believe you. I work in niche, sort of high-end retail sales, customer-facing. And I have a client that is a child agent, an agent for babies and children and film and media. That's what we're talking about. Like not to brag, but I have an exceptionally cute son. Wow.

Starting point is 01:20:01 Protect him with everything you have. And this client does happen to be a very good client and spends a fair amount of money with us. She saw a picture of my son on my phone and has since been kind of counting me. I don't know about this already. Oh, a baby talent agent desperately wants access to your child. A baby talent agent is the most bottom feeder shit.

Starting point is 01:20:24 By the way, and she's rich. She's rich. access to your child. A baby's talent agent is the most bottom feeder shit. By the way, and she's rich. She's rich. She's like, yeah, I got cash. A person looks at the baby and is like, ugly, next. Imagine you say, oh, it's your kid. Can I see your baby again? Imagine that moment where we're like, we sit there.

Starting point is 01:20:39 How tall, how long, how many inches. What percentile of weight? Insanity. You're right, this is such a crazy person to be. Keep going, Eldis. Been kind of hounding me to get the kid involved in some of these photo shoots. And from the little she's told me,

Starting point is 01:20:59 there is potentially a fair amount of money to be gained, which would be great for his college fund and things like that. It's always about the fucking college fund with these people. Yeah. He's going to be molested beyond comprehension, but we got the college fund. It's always the college fund. Come on.

Starting point is 01:21:16 He's going to fucking U Penn. He's not going to college. It's going to be done in two more years. Yeah. College doesn't even exist, dude. You're so right. Or just generally his life later on when he would have access to it.

Starting point is 01:21:28 No. But I kind of find it morally reprehensible to do that. Like I'd be fine if he was like older and maybe like could say like, I like this or I don't or like even talk. Even then. But like right now he's like 14 months, he's still learning like how to walk and stuff like that. You want to be a but for now, in 14 months, he's still learning how to walk

Starting point is 01:21:45 and stuff like that. You want to be a crafty when you're 14, Unbilled? Where are the unquestibles? He's just a tyrant. I want swing cheese. Throws fucking hot juice in a fucking lady's face. This client's relatively nice, but like they've started Kind of like they crossed the border into sort of pounding me about it

Starting point is 01:22:12 And I do not know how to Tell them no Yeah, be a man he's like so what I'm thinking to do is kind of slash my son's face, ruin his beauty so that I can keep selling whatever, leather to some dumb bitch who books Gerber commercials. This lady buys a lot of jackets with us. So I'm thinking about, now should I be a man and tell her no? Get away from my baby. Or should I put myentially messing up the money in the situation.

Starting point is 01:23:05 Like I said, this person comes in a lot and spends a good amount of money. They're not gonna stop. Laura, yeah man, I hope you can give me some advice. Love the pod, bye. She's not gonna stop coming to you and buying jackets. Yeah, yeah. And you can say to her, so flattered by your interests.

Starting point is 01:23:22 I'm gonna tell you exactly, write this down. Yeah, yeah. Listen, so flattered by your interests. I'm gonna tell you exactly, write this down. Yeah, yeah. Listen, so flattered by your interests. My wife and I have discussed this and it's just not something we're comfortable with. Yeah. Hello? Yep, done and done.

Starting point is 01:23:34 You must have left a door open to crack if she's going, come on, come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, 11K's on the line. I mean, what is this? I know, what does it pay? What is it? What does a fucking Pampers commercial really pay?

Starting point is 01:23:46 Pin it on your fucking wife. Yeah. Say, I'm curious, but we've talked about it. She just isn't comfortable. Me? I'd fucking throw him to the wall. I'd let fucking Harvey Weinstein babysit him if it was up to me.

Starting point is 01:23:59 I'd say, let's get him tutored by Dan Schneider if it was up to me. But lady, sorry, you know. Yeah. Yeah, you just go over and over again. We're so flattered in the eye. The kid's gorgeous. Yeah. Can't do it.

Starting point is 01:24:14 Do not do it. Don't do it. Now, so here's the one way I could see it. Let's say this woman, him saying no, this woman. Pisses her off. pisses her off. She's offended. What does that mean? You think what I do is unsavory?

Starting point is 01:24:28 You think I'm a pimp? You think I'm Ghislaine Maxwell for babies? I'm not. I could see that happening, but at the same time, it's like, well this is what having principles is. It's like, let's think the worst happens. Is this lady buying whatever bullshit luxury perfume from you more important than the 11K your son makes at a Gerber's commercial?

Starting point is 01:24:55 Would you pay that to have him get molested? Exactly. Take his childhood or exactly. Childhood versus 11K. Also, if this woman is running a legitimate business, ostensibly, she's offering you cash, right? So if you, hey, you want this job, you say no, she should back off. Right. I'm going to say the biggest red flag here is that she won't fucking shut the fuck up. She's pushing.

Starting point is 01:25:21 If she was like, look, hey, we do this, I'd love to have you, I think you'd be perfect at it. And she just kind of brings it up every once in a while. But if she's getting pushy, I would just be like, no, we're good, thank you, we're not interested in it. No, no. Very, now. If she takes away her business,

Starting point is 01:25:35 she takes away her business. To play devil's advocate here, I think. 11K is 11K. 11K is 11K. It's like, if he, honest, and this is not, I don't think this, right? But I think it's incredibly fucked up to have kids, like we were saying, actors, whatever,

Starting point is 01:25:53 if they're cognizant at all. But if he's some fucking little blob. He's a worm. That's gonna fucking eat, you know, baby food and you get $20,000 for it and he'll have no memory, mate, and you're there and your wife's there and you know what I mean? Like totally totally maybe But the second he said 14 months his motherfuckers already price this for overriding You can't even do that because these kids they're sponges their sponges in the room. You're a little they're in there going

Starting point is 01:26:18 My father's yelling at my mother Actually, they feel it they're there, they're surrounded by strangers, there's hot lights on them. People are bullshitting them. They can feel it. You know what, you're right. They go, where's my mom? Where am I?

Starting point is 01:26:33 My friend told me, he was talking about how his daughter started talking, and when she started talking, she started telling him stuff. She started telling him memories she had from two months ago when she couldn't talk. No, no, no. And they were watching some movie.

Starting point is 01:26:48 Give me a touch with her, she's a genius. They were watching some movie and she was like, oh yeah, I remember that. And it's like, you're right, these fucking babies know shit. You know what I mean? They absorb everything. So you're right. Devil's advocate has been completely rebuffed. Stop being a fucking coward because some pushy type.

Starting point is 01:27:03 I mean, imagine what a dumb bitch this lady is though, a baby agent. Can you imagine the pushy? She's salivating over a baby. Imagine how like, won't take no for an answer this woman is. 9.4 out of 10 babies are acceptable for commercials. Totally true.

Starting point is 01:27:17 This is not a real, I got an I for babies. It's like no. Like they're anywhere, they're everywhere. You're so fucking right. What is this? That's not even a fucking skill at all. It's like most babies are cute. Yeah, like the babies, like I need a baby tomorrow.

Starting point is 01:27:35 It's like, yeah, just get a baby then. Go literally anywhere. They're gonna work. That's so true. All right, man, so stop being a fucking bitch and just. Yeah, yeah, protect your child. Protect your fucking baby at all costs. Oh, I just know, I mean my fucking scarf business is gonna take a hit.

Starting point is 01:27:51 Yeah, and Ramez is not gonna like this. Hey, Stavi, Aldous, or Eldous, you are an honored guest. Always listening, love the show. Just rented. Let's start a cult on my roommate's ex-girlfriend's Amazon Prime account. Very nice. So that's a plus. Get me on a free episode. You do have to be on one. Maybe, who knows, doesn't matter. Giving you a ring. My girlfriend of like a year or so, really like her a lot. She kind of makes me feel bad for doing things that I like, like golfing or skiing, or like if I talk about how I'm like trying to get back into shape and like running and jogging, she gets like very sad.

Starting point is 01:28:45 and running and jogging, she gets very sad. As if I'm attacking her for not doing anything. And I don't care that she doesn't do anything. I just wish she didn't make me feel guilty for doing things. If that makes sense. I like her a lot. Cool girl. That's about it. End it.

Starting point is 01:29:10 Thanks, Daddy. Kick it to the curb. I'm going to wrap this up real quick for you. This ain't good. I want to go on a run. I'm sad. I mean, what? No. Yeah. I'm sad. I mean what? No!

Starting point is 01:29:26 Yeah. You can be empathetic and go, okay, this is triggering something in her. Let's talk about, I love you. Why are you getting sad when I talk about wanting to do anything? I don't care that you don't. What does this mean? You don't care she doesn't do anything? Yeah. I mean, I guess she's a couch potato. Is this about fitness? Is this about just life?

Starting point is 01:29:43 Is this about, what is this? Could be fitness. No, running? What is it? Golfing? Is this about fitness? Is this about just life? Is this about, what is this? Could be fitness. No, running, what is it, golfing? It sounds like fitness. It sounds like maybe he doesn't get that it's about fitness. Because everything he's described is even like golfing and skiing, everything is physical activity. So it could be some kind of like, you know,

Starting point is 01:29:58 body dysmorphia, shit. If this is bringing up stuff with her, that's all and well, we all have things brought up. Everyone's got things. We all have shit. So you guys just say to her, I'm noticing this behavior. They're not talking. He doesn't say that they've talked about it, right?

Starting point is 01:30:09 No. Well, he sounds pretty young. He didn't say his age, right, Eldis? Yeah. He's talking about his roommate's ex-girlfriend and shit. He's on his roommate's ex-girlfriend's prime account. Okay. Sounds like a young kid.

Starting point is 01:30:20 So we're early here. Early 20s. Early development. I think just, you just say, hey, I'm noticing this behavior. I really, I like you, I love you, hello. You like her, get out! But if you don't, I love you, I care about you, I'm noticing this, I wanna talk about it.

Starting point is 01:30:35 If she can talk about it, that's a whole different story. If she can't talk about it and she's still, then you have a deeper issue. Absolutely, and yeah, you might, right? She might not be ready to talk about it, you don't know, but you won't know until you actually try. And that's most of the show is like telling our listeners to have the one conversation they should.

Starting point is 01:30:54 Nothing can be off limits. If you're in a relationship or talking about anything is off limits, you're fucked. That's exactly. Like it's done. You gotta be able to fucking talk about it. And also, by the way, maybe she thinks you're judging her, or that's what you've picked up on.

Starting point is 01:31:07 Yeah. Have you ever said, have you even said, I don't care if you don't do shit, this isn't about, I just like doing this, and then maybe organically it'll get into her, whatever her hangups are. Yeah, she'll feel better after talking about it, probably. So you gotta try, you gotta try and have the convo, and yes, look, at the end of the day,

Starting point is 01:31:25 if there's no resolution or she's weird about it or. And if it's a year in and you like her, get out. Yeah. What'd he say, it's been a year? Said about a year, right? Yeah. And you know, a year when you're this young, who knows. Yeah, good point, I'm getting harsh.

Starting point is 01:31:40 You've seen her 11 times, you know what I mean? Exactly, exactly. Sometimes these relationships, but you know, maybe not, who knows? But yeah dude, you just gotta fuckin', you gotta have that convo. You gotta protect yourself. I would have my antennas up about like,

Starting point is 01:31:54 you gotta go into it, but Kate might not be that wrong about sometimes people just aren't compatible and you learn that shit, you know what I mean? But yeah, good luck little buddy. Get out there, if I can do a little golfing. Nothing wrong with that. Trying to think if I ever had anybody try and keep me down in a relationship, I don't think so.

Starting point is 01:32:14 You can't be adjusting your behavior. Or you know what I mean, you can't be not doing what you wanna do. I also will only be with somebody that really treats me too nicely, you know what I mean? That's a good way to be. I just like to be like a little Sultan. That's the problem.

Starting point is 01:32:27 That's what my mom did to me. By being, I was her little fat prince. I have Sultan stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's nice being treated like that. It fucking feels good. But you know, we all have our things. I don't get off on being treated poorly.

Starting point is 01:32:43 No, I don't get that at all. I go, oh, you are? No. Okay, let's get out of here then. No, stop being mean to me. Be overly nice to me. Yeah. I don't get it all when people,

Starting point is 01:32:55 even like on a BDSM level when it's like, all right, I guess I can let her fucking whip me, but she's gonna suck me off afterwards, right? Yeah, yeah. And they're like, no, it's just she's gonna suck me off afterwards, right? Yeah, yeah. And they're like, no, it's just about the whipping. I'm like, what? Yeah, yeah. It's not just a chore you have to do

Starting point is 01:33:10 to get the fuck a hot girl that wears leather? Yeah. Don't get that at all. Don't understand it. What else we got, Elvis? Hey, I was just calling because basically, I need your advice. I've been living a lie for three years going on the floor.

Starting point is 01:33:33 Jesus Christ. Basically, I've been telling my family that I have a very good job, like an office job. Oh no. Orpheus. Are they in the room right now? I have a very good job office job Orpheus right now in reality I work retail at us at a home Depot, okay? I did at one point work a good job the me being young and dumb I Am working at home. I really slacked off and just didn't do shit so I got fired I was confronted by my boss at that time

Starting point is 01:34:15 where I straight-up lied to her and be like oh my internet was down and what not I already showed her the video proof of my screen being recorded. Answering calls and immediately hanging up on people. Pause this. Wait, wait, wait. That's awesome. Wait, wait, wait. What?

Starting point is 01:34:35 His voice is so soft and quiet. I like lost. Wait, what's happening? Screen recording? Wait, what? He was lying. He was like, my internet's down, but he didn't realize his company's software tracked him, and so they would show him videos of him answering calls and immediately hanging up on people.

Starting point is 01:34:50 I guess he was working like customer service. This happened to me, I got fired from a paralegal place, and they would track how often you had to check off your steps, they called it, and they pulled up the fucking stats when they were firing me, it was so funny. They were like, someone in your division usually averages about 2,000 steps a month. It looks like you've done about 92.

Starting point is 01:35:14 Yeah, yeah. And they would be like, we tried to track your activity, but your computer wasn't on long enough. That actually, they actually said that to me. They had like, my boss would walk by and I would hit the mouse and it was just the login screen. Like I had not touched, I was playing, this was back in the, I was really in the Clash of Clans, the iPhone game at the time.

Starting point is 01:35:37 This is probably 2010, no, 2012 maybe, 11. Yeah, like right after college. Right after college, yup. And yeah, I was just fully on my phone. I was on Facebook messaging her. Gives me so, I was working for a woman that, and it's like, I would have talked to her accountant, and I was like, uh-oh.

Starting point is 01:35:57 Because I mean, I can't, she made me do files. Yo. Like a file, I'm like, I, and I was on the computer all the time on Twitter. This was Hay Day Twitter. I'll never forget, Rob Delaney retweeted me. I go, ehh. Oh, that must have felt incredible.

Starting point is 01:36:11 Rob Delaney, Twitter 1.0 with an RT. He must have heard you replying. I got a Rob Delaney RT, and so I go, I'm not talking to your accountant today, honey. I go, I've got bigger fish. My life's just changed. The money's coming. The money's coming in.

Starting point is 01:36:27 And back then, a viral tweet was like 300 retweets. It was like there were like 4,000 people on Twitter, but Delaney was the king. Delaney was the pure king, wow. Were you like an assistant? Yeah. I mean, there's no way you were good at that job, right? She kind of slapped me as a joke once

Starting point is 01:36:49 Okay, we're kind of getting back to that But she was just like you're cuz I just I just like really like earnestly couldn't do it Of course and just like admin like I Make it and stuff with like the accountant. I mean just oh my god the taxes like I can't, and stuff with the account, I mean, just, oh my God, the taxes, I don't understand this. Yeah, you don't strike me as somebody who's organized. What the fuck is the QuickBooks? Oh, dude.

Starting point is 01:37:13 Oh my God, I still don't get how to use QuickBooks. I can't do that. Absolutely not. Yeah, that's so funny, and you just applied on Craigslist, or was this a friend of a friend? This was a woman friend of a friend. Yeah, yeah. She was lovely and she'd be like, you know, next.

Starting point is 01:37:26 I can't think of any flashbacks of that. Anyway, so we know what it's like being horrible employees basically. Of course. So again, he was lying to his family when confronted with not working, he's lying to his boss. We're sensing a pattern here.

Starting point is 01:37:42 Let's keep going, Eldis. Yeah, keep going. Instead of assisting them with whatever. Maybe five, you said? Yeah, I was calling to see what do you think I should do? Like, should I just keep on living the lie? Sweetie. Or should I be upfront with my family and just tell them?

Starting point is 01:38:07 The reason why I don't feel like it's necessary to tell them is because I mean, first of all, I live with my mom and my brother. I pay for the bills, basically everything like I can still afford everything with my retail job and Pretty comfortable It just weighs on me sometimes Let me know what you think I should do. I mean like, I mean. This is fucking awesome.

Starting point is 01:38:51 By the way, just keep lying. Next. This kid is fucking awesome. Did he say he lives with his wife and his child? No, his mom. He lives with his mom and his brother. He's young as shit, can we? I have reading comprehension issues. So, okay. Come clean. Unburden yourself.

Starting point is 01:39:08 And this is, he's lying for no reason. That's the craziest part about this fucking call is like no one fucking cares. He's just like, he is so worried about, here's how scared of confrontation this guy is. The theoretical argument he'll have with his mom when he tells her he doesn't have an office job anymore, even though he has for three years paid the bills,

Starting point is 01:39:34 the whole thing is like, you really are, look, you're a fucking coward. You're spineless and that's okay. We've all been, you know, I'm a reformed coward. I try and be better every day. I used to hide when shit was bad. But this is a big moment for you, buddy. Three. Well, let's all take a minute with this. Three years.

Starting point is 01:39:57 Maybe four. I heard going on for going on for you. Right. It's OK. He clearly got fired in the middle of the pandemic and he's lying. Unburdened yourself. This is not good for your health. I'm actually worried about you. This is not good. And you can't be lying anytime something bad happens, bro.

Starting point is 01:40:12 You can't be like, this is huge for you. You have to start living reality. Yes. Right? You're living in a fucking fantasy world. You have to, you know, maybe be less of a lazy piece of shit. That's one thing. That's okay. That's part of growing up.

Starting point is 01:40:25 We all have done shit like that. But you're confronted, you lie to your boss. You're pre-lying. There's no reason to keep the charade up. It's not like your mom's like, my dream has been for my son to have a shitty customer service corporate job. It didn't sound like a good job.

Starting point is 01:40:43 They're tracking you, bro. It's your mother and you're paying the bills. Like what? Unburden yourself. This is, I mean, this is high, high risk. I feel like, I have a theory. I feel like this guy is probably like a foreigner if I had to guess. Definitely, definitely. I don't know. I'm guessing Asian, but... Okay. My dad also did this for a year.

Starting point is 01:41:02 Your dad literally used to pretend he had a job he didn't have. And he would go sit in the minivan and drink coffee. This is clearly, yeah, this is fear. This is self-worth stuff around all of this. It is immigrant. It does feel immigrant-y. No, it's tragic. I feel like an immigrant parent would really press, like, oh, you got to get a good office

Starting point is 01:41:20 job and they wouldn't like you like doing Home Depot or something so. But, but and you're not I'm not saying you're wrong at all but for this guy's life he needs to start understanding he's in control of his own life and then other people what other people want for him doesn't matter and that he has to this there's probably some comfort in living the lie you never have to advocate for yourself you never have to argue about anything you're just going with the flow but you have to start taking charge of your life you have to advocate for yourself. You never have to argue about anything. You're just going with the flow. But you have to start taking charge of your life. You have to, and listen, what that means is when you fuck up, like get fired, you have to fucking own up to it.

Starting point is 01:41:54 When you, you know what I mean? You have to tell your mom, but you're still doing everything you need to do. And here's the other thing I'll say, you gotta aim higher, brother. You're saying, hey, I mean, look, what do I gotta tell her for? I'm living the dream.

Starting point is 01:42:07 I'm living with my mom and brother as an adult, and I'm paying the bills. I'm pretty comfortable. This is how you want to live forever? Come to a little desk. You don't want your own place? Yes. You don't want to fucking, what if you fucking find a girlfriend? I know, I'm gonna guess that's not a big problem right now, but

Starting point is 01:42:22 at some point it should be. Yeah, three more years of this. Dude, what the fuck are you doing? And me and elders both came from this kind of background. So I fully told my parents, I'm doing whatever the fuck I want. That was a big problem for me. Getting over the guilt was very hard.

Starting point is 01:42:39 That was the reason I started going to therapy, was immigrant guilt. So I know it's hard, but you're gonna be a fucking loser forever if you don't fucking just. Yeah, this is a major moment. This is a big moment. And you gotta say, and you know,

Starting point is 01:42:51 and just start telling the truth in the rest of your life and stop hiding when something fucking bad happens to you. You are safe. Your mother's not gonna take away her love. No. Maybe angry, whatever. You will get through it. You have to.

Starting point is 01:43:02 It's actually not negotiable, you just have to do it. Yeah, you have to do it. The circle of day on the calendar go up there it is it's coming I gotta talk to you. Are you free tonight? I'll be home from work. Yeah yeah hey mom are you free can we meet in our shared living room? Yeah exactly family meeting. The logistics of telling her about it's gonna be pretty easy seeing as how you live you share a wall with her probably. You're gonna feel so much better maybe not immediately but you share a wall with her probably you're gonna feel so much better

Starting point is 01:43:25 Maybe not immediately, but you will feel much better and you gotta stop you gotta stop hiding from bad shit, dude This guy's like changing to his Home Depot shirt in the car. Yeah He's got a shitty fucking H&M blazer that he fucking takes puts on He puts on a fucking orange, it puts a smock on afterwards. All right dude, you know, we feel for you though. Yeah, sending you love. The expectations of your family can be crushing,

Starting point is 01:43:57 but you really sound like a fucking, I mean dude, you can't be behaving like this. No, no, no. Not good. Not good at all. Hey, Fabi. So hopefully this gets passed with maybe a guest that has like some kids or a family or something or whatever. Oh, Jesus.

Starting point is 01:44:16 Nope. Just ask the first question. There's a chimney over here. Yeah. Is this a soot question? Soot removal? Have you been wronged by a small business? Go ahead, Elders.

Starting point is 01:44:30 Maybe I guess it has some kids or a family or something, whatever. So, just asking for advice. I got a six-month-old baby now. And I just want to know if I'm ruining the kid. Because you know how they say like Beethoven and Mozart and all that mumbo jumbo is like supposed to make the kid smarter. Like, you know, I've been in a car with him

Starting point is 01:44:56 and driving and doing tasks around the house and background noise. It's been a lot of, it, been a lot of your podcasts. Okay. Um, some Rogan, CEO, you know, Tim Dylan, sports talk radio, and then the music, some of that blend standard nineties, just alternative. Rock. just alternative rock grunge from banging hip hop early 2000s. I'm impressed.

Starting point is 01:45:25 I don't know if I'm really. You got range, man. I've got this crazy vinyl collection and the kids just absorbing it all. Maybe I should, should I put on some, some Beethoven or some Mozart? Honey, you're not going to start listening to Beethoven. I don't know, help his little brain or just make it just, maybe I'm just raising a fucking badass human.

Starting point is 01:45:44 Oh yeah, dude. Oh no, let me know what you think. You're raising a fucking bad ass. First of all, all I hear is that you're around your child. Yeah, that's good. That's all that matters. That's all I'm hearing is I'm in the car with him. I'm doing chores around the house with him. Yeah, it doesn't fucking matter. The ambient noise is in the background.

Starting point is 01:46:03 Yes. By the way, I would argue it's actually probably very good for developmental, early developmental stuff to hear talking, conversation, words. Yeah, you're sharing about how aliens made the pyramids. It does not matter. This kid's going to know what the fuck is going on with the younger dry-us theory. So yeah, that's a great point. You're spending time with them. It's done. You're good.

Starting point is 01:46:24 Here's the thing I'll tell you. Your kid's not going the shit. You're into that's not how it works. Totally So it's like who knows, you know, like maybe developmentally fucking Like but even that you haven't really done any research on that. That's the thing. That's the thing. We've all heard You're supposed to put a baby in the womb That's the thing we've all heard. That you're supposed to put a baby in the womb listening to Mozart. Is that even true?

Starting point is 01:46:45 That's like a weird message of the 80s. I just don't think babiescanread.com or whatever that thing is. No, and also don't be so invested in your child being a genius or else you're gonna fuck them. You're parenting your child, that's actually the only thing they actually need. So you're fine.

Starting point is 01:47:01 And you're his dad, he's gonna fucking listen to some of the shit you listen to and you know, whatever. And believe me, soon he will pick one movie and that's he will want to watch Cars every moment of the day. This listening to your music is gonna end and like my friend has a kid and this motherfucker doesn't, he tried to put, the first time I saw him be disappointed in his father is his dad was trying to watch a Packers game,

Starting point is 01:47:27 and he goes, finding Nemo, and his dad's like, not happening, kid. Like, the first time he realized there's a hierarchy, but this little motherfucker has come into my home, room full of adults, just fucking puts on finding Nemo. That's what's gonna happen to you, man. So yeah, he's fine. Enjoy the zeppelin. Enjoy, yeah, he's fucking, he Finding Nemo. That's what's gonna happen to you, man. So yeah, he's fine. Enjoy the zeppelin.

Starting point is 01:47:46 Enjoy, yeah, he's fucking, he's rocking out. He's listening to Tim. You're gonna be good, man. That's very fucking cute, though. That's cute, though, to have that question even. That is sweet. No, I liked you. And it's even funny to be like,

Starting point is 01:47:59 but is he gonna be fucking awesome? No, not from that. I mean, maybe for other reasons, because you're a good dad who's around. And I was thinking about starting him on like maybe light like on menthols not having to do full cigarettes but he can't be a fucking lightweight. What do you got for us? You got a couple nice ones to go out on here? Yeah. We've already you know we've taken a lot of Kate's time up but you're having fun. You up, but you're crushing this advice here. We got a nice one, then a nice little update to wrap it up.

Starting point is 01:48:29 Perfect, perfect. Hi, Stavros. I'm calling as a representative of the engineer community of your fan base, maybe a minority of your demographic. This is just a piggyback off of a caller previously mentioning how his girlfriend forbid pornography and it's something that we have an agreement upon in my marriage. Now I'm trying to understand am I being a like lame wife by thinking it's cheating if you watch pornography? Cheating?

Starting point is 01:49:07 Yes. Yes, you are. You've got bigger problems than you can see. Am I being a lame wife? Yes. No, it's fucking cheating. I'm sorry, that's cheating. Guys, how is that not tasteful cheating?

Starting point is 01:49:22 Watching porn is cheating? Come on. What are we talking about here? This is insane. Let's hear her out, but this is crazy. I think of being a lame wife by thinking it's cheating if you watch pornography. I try not to be a prudish, traditional, lame wife. I, you know, with fervor give floppy topi on a daily basis. Okay, all right, now the plot thickens.

Starting point is 01:49:50 By the way, actually, I'm almost jealous of her. Yeah. Like, she's so horny. Yeah. Or like, you're like, that's my man. Like, your husband watching porn is making you be like, fuck that whore. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:50:03 It's like, oh my God. Like, you're that on top of it? You're right. And floppy top you on a daily basis. Jesus Christ. Now it's getting interesting, because I think, are you weird? Yes.

Starting point is 01:50:16 Do you have a hell of a bargaining chip if you want to make your husband change any of his behavior? You're that obsessed with your husband? Also yes. Like, look, if so, anyway, let's finish this up. But my, but this is interesting. I try to keep myself looking good for my husband. So I just, I'm trying to understand if you could explain to me from your perspective,

Starting point is 01:50:39 like what, why do men go to pornography and why is it not considered cheating? She can't even wrap her head around it. You know, cause I just think that looking at naked people and like going to strip clubs is cheating. I always think it's cringy, like if I watch The Sopranos and Tony Sopranos, that's the body of it. Don't bring Tony into it.

Starting point is 01:51:03 I also love watching Sopranos being like, the most morally reprehensible thing that they're doing is looking at it. Yeah, yeah, I know. That's so bad. Irredeemable, evil human beings. Chopping people's heads off on the regular. But she's appealing to us.

Starting point is 01:51:23 She's trying to put it in terms we understand. Let's figure this all out, Eldis. Let's keep going here. And he's looking at young naked girls. It doesn't make sense to me. I'm pro sex worker, 100%, but it's like a single man's game in my opinion. I don't know. But it's like a what? Single man's game. Looking for your explanation here.

Starting point is 01:51:46 Certainly not asking you to defend this, but just trying to be a cool wife and maybe learning something from this. Thank you, love you so much, love you, bye. You gotta stop trying to be a cool wife doll. Yeah, just be yourself. That's number one. Be your sloppy self.

Starting point is 01:52:02 You're giving top, listen, here's the thing. The point I was trying to make earlier is like. You rule, honey's number one. Be your sloppy self. You're giving top, listen, here's the thing. The point I was trying to make earlier is like. Your rule, honey. Yeah, is this ridiculous? Yes, if you're blowing your husband every day, you can ask like five ridiculous favors. You can be like, I don't like it when you eat green skittles. And you'll be like, great, I will never have a green skittle

Starting point is 01:52:20 again in my life. You know what I mean? Like, you do have a hell of a, like I said, it's a hell of a bargaining chip, but why don't I consider porn cheating is like, I don't even, it's hard for me to like, how is it cheating? He has no relationship with these people.

Starting point is 01:52:36 He's jacking, can he jack off? Is he allowed to jack off? Is thinking about another lady's tits cheating to you? That's what we're talking about here. This is pointing to a very delicate ego, girl. You gotta, this is very- I think you may be right. You cannot, what?

Starting point is 01:52:53 This is your husband? In what world is him looking at porn a violation of your marriage or his feelings for you? This is, and also, you, I mean, exactly, what, the thought police? I mean, this is where we're going, right? I mean, it's like, it's something you're just going to have to get over, right?

Starting point is 01:53:12 Or if he's, I mean, what's his reaction? I don't know. So, this is hard to, this is such a fundamental question where she's like, why isn't porn cheating? And I'm trying. Because it's not. Yeah, I'm trying. It's actually quite simple.

Starting point is 01:53:24 I'm trying so hard to give her. It's ancient. Looking at it, once you start trying to regulate the fantasy life of someone else, you're fucking done. You cannot do that. It's actually an abomination. I think it's actually violence, sweetie, what you're doing. I'm actually not even really kidding.

Starting point is 01:53:41 You're being violent. You cannot regulate other people's imaginations and sexualities. And you're allowed to go, I wish that you didn't need them or whatever about pornography, but it has nothing to do with you. Yeah, I guess we have to draw a line somewhere. And it's like imagination. Wait until they start cheating on you. Yeah, exactly.

Starting point is 01:54:01 Imagination and fantasy, you gotta be allowed to do that. You gotta be allowed. This is the most basic human, this is the most, is he gonna wake up and go, sweetie, sweetie, I had a dream, I got a blowjob from the woman from Jamba Juice, or whatever, and then you're gonna be like, ick, like this is very, what's going on here?

Starting point is 01:54:19 There's gotta be something historical here that's pulling on this that we're not hearing about. Right, it's like, look, he's just, it's a beating off aid. It's, on this that we're not hearing about. Right. It's like, look, he's just, it's a beating off aid. You know what I mean? Like it's not, if you let this guy beat off, which is crazy to think that you wouldn't allow someone to beat off. And the shower on Easter is the only time.

Starting point is 01:54:38 He has to bleach the tub down right afterwards. Yeah, it's like, I guess I'm just really. Yeah, it's just a fucking it's not real. He's not trying to fuck those people. Just trying to get a nut. It's not real. It's a it's a fantasy. It's a cave painting. It's a drawing and a fucking book from it.

Starting point is 01:54:54 It's the it's just get it's not about you. Yeah. And even and then then then if the reason you're blowing him every day is because you're trying to compete with. Well, that's what I'm worried about. If you want to do it, great. But if you're like if you're like, well, is because you're trying to compete with the urge. Well, that's what I'm worried about. If you want to do it, great. But if you're like, well, if I hold up my end of the bargain, which sounds a little repressive.

Starting point is 01:55:12 What's it given you? I start going, what's so good about this guy? I know. What is the setup here? And also, is this an issue? If you're sucking his neck every day, how much pornography is this guy watching? I know. What's going on with him? How old is he?

Starting point is 01:55:26 Is he good for, you know, is he a multiple nuts a day guy? I mean, I don't know. By the way, how long? I'm really stuck on BJ every day. Really having trouble with this. And then also, BJ every day, because you want to be a cool wife, cool wives come up a few times. I don't want to be a lame one.

Starting point is 01:55:43 I don't want to be a prude. I'm on all fours every day. Like what's going on? I'm trading pussy. It's like you don't have to like, you just have to behave the way you want. You're right. The cool wife thing is a little like, are you doing all these things because you feel it's good or are you doing them because you feel you have to? I'm a little scared of that. I'm really worried. And here's the thing. Like with the porn stuff, it's like, do you not want to blow him, but you're like, but

Starting point is 01:56:11 if I don't, he'll start watching porn? Exactly. No, this is getting tricky. There's a little, I'm just a little, I just want you to interrogate what your feelings are and what you think the role of a wife is. And if you're truly happy to do that, look, you might. You might look, you might search your feelings and you might think, this is everything I want to do.

Starting point is 01:56:32 But it's feeling a little, like especially the porno thing, it's feeling a little old fashioned. And even though like I try to keep myself looking good, I try and give him a head every day. For him, for him. Yeah, it's like, what about... Make your ass tight for you, girl. For you, and then he gets to also fuck you.

Starting point is 01:56:47 That's nice. Also, buckle fucking up. If you're actually, you're married, he's going to, by the way, just straight down the bra, I guarantee you, he's gonna be in love. He's gonna have a fantasy about a real person. Sure. He's gonna want, so you're going,

Starting point is 01:57:01 I'm scared he's gonna wanna fuck someone else. Guarantee you he will, That's fine. That's natural. You're gonna want to fuck someone else. Yeah, yeah. Want. Not actually. As long as he doesn't do it. But it's like if you're policing and getting really upset about pornography, what's gonna happen? You're in the real world. So then you're going to completely collapse when the actual...

Starting point is 01:57:20 I mean, if you can't be in a marriage, if you can't acknowledge that you're both gonna have desires from other people. Totally. And pornography is arguably a safe place for a fucking escape valve to do that. You should be fucking praying he's watching porn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You should be praying he's like typing

Starting point is 01:57:37 a Indian girl that works at your job on X videos, instead of texting her. You know what I mean? Like that's a great point. It's like, I think you're being a little unrealistic about what humans are like and how they just will have some desires and that porn is kind of a safe way to like not do it and you don't have to feel repressed either. I just do, some alarm bells are ringing about like, are you truly happy? Maybe she is.

Starting point is 01:58:06 The cool wife things gotta go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The cool wife stuff gotta go. Unless he's really going above and beyond for you as well, maybe, but even that is like, yeah, just do stuff, behave the way you actually want. It does sound like you have this idea of what an ideal wife is,

Starting point is 01:58:22 that's a little restricting. Mama-cita. But yeah, you know, keep at it. I hate to be given advice that might lead to a guy getting blown less. That does, that philosophically is very difficult for me, but I will even tell you to interrogate that aspect of your life.

Starting point is 01:58:39 But you can't be withholding BJ's because he's watching porn. If you saw, you can't be checking his fucking search history, like he's your 11 year old son. And even him you should let Jack off by the way. If you're feeling concerned about the content of the porn. Sure. Like, and you wanna be like, hey what's this about for you?

Starting point is 01:58:56 I'm trying to understand this part of you. But guess what? Your fucking partner is entitled to have whatever that, they're what? They can beat off, yeah. This is crazy. Also he probably is watching porn, you know, when he needs to beat off when you're at the store or something. He's probably beating his dick up.

Starting point is 01:59:13 He's watching more porn than you could imagine. Sweetie, that's what I'm hearing. This guy is something wild going on in this home. Yeah. She's, yeah. Yeah. She's like, I try and be a cool wife. I, you know, I'm on, I try and be a cool wife.

Starting point is 01:59:25 I'm on my collar whenever he asks me to be. Exactly, exactly. I never drink from, I only drink from my bowl. Exactly. But anyway, hope that kind of got, hope you see our side of it, I suppose. But very interesting. I would, I kind of.

Starting point is 01:59:41 I will say for this girl, some couples do just lean into the roles like this too. So maybe it is just like... Yeah, no, so we again are not, are two of the weirdest people in the world. I like it. This is most, I have most of the world. Like they're a little less intense than her, but this is how most people behave probably. Right, right, right.

Starting point is 02:00:00 Like, yes. That sounds like, wow, being the cool wife. Yeah. Whoa. Yeah. Wild, wow, being the cool wife. Yeah. Whoa. Yeah. Wild, right? Thinking about that.

Starting point is 02:00:10 Thinking about how that's your life. But there is something. I actually want to watch a porn about a girl who's like, like the idea of getting like possessive. Yeah. I'm like, maybe she's like, are you really sexually obsessed with your husband? Like, that's awesome. That's cool.

Starting point is 02:00:23 If you're so fucking obsessed with him that you're like, you better not check in for anyone but me bitch. Like I'm like, whoa, okay, you're rallying love. But even that is almost like, then we're getting into, are you actually a cuck territory? Cause anybody who's that possessive, it's probably like they're scared on some level of them cheating and then it's like, but that's actually their greatest turn on in a weird,

Starting point is 02:00:41 in a way that like how Republican senators are closeted, this woman might be a closeted cuck, because she's like, you can't even jack off without me. You know what I mean? Maybe. We're just dreaming up. You called it the ask if porn is cheating, and we're trying to use your life story,

Starting point is 02:00:55 we're using your life story kind of the way SVU does, rip from the headlines. We're ripping your life from the story and making porn about it. You're reverse engineering like a porn scenario out of it. Yeah. We're ripping your life from the story and making porn. You're reverse engineering like a porn scenario out of it. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:01:06 Such a fan. Yeah. But yeah, I would like. But I know you're saying all this. You're right. This is how it is. Yeah, it's like some couples probably are just like that. And it's like, if you are getting

Starting point is 02:01:18 sucked off every single day, you probably don't even feel a need to look at porn. So it is like a self-regulating system that might just be like natural in a way. That's not- It's a beautiful engine. Yeah. That's not too much.

Starting point is 02:01:32 It's not like about people's like- It's a terrarium that you can put a cork into and it'll just work perfectly. Yeah. Yeah. Perhaps. Fascinating. But even that, it's a lot of upkeep.

Starting point is 02:01:42 You know what I mean? You miss one blow job. It is, it is. And now we're backed up. Yeah. It's a lot to upkeep, you know what I mean? You missed one more job and now we're backed up. Yeah. It's a lot to deal with, man. I wanna see pictures of these people. Yeah. Like really bad.

Starting point is 02:01:53 Yeah, so I would be interested to talk to her about it. Who knows, maybe someday we can get her on a live calls app but that's our take. Suck your husband off, sister. I hope I'm not being too angry. I don't think so. At her. Sweetie, I'm not mad at you.

Starting point is 02:02:08 I'm just worried about you. I think we're her friend and she gets, she's looking for our perspective and we gave that to her. Yeah. But hey, yeah, maybe it's working for you. I just, who cares? Let the guy beat off to some fucking porno. Yeah, that's fine.

Starting point is 02:02:21 Who gives a fuck? Who fucking cares? Let him beat off and suck him off. Then you're like, really awesome. Yeah, then you're fucking cool? Let him beat off and suck him off, then you're like, really awesome wife. Yeah, then you're fucking cool. Let him fuck one of your friends. Yeah. If we're talking about being cool.

Starting point is 02:02:33 The only cool wife. Yeah, yeah. I got a couple ideas of what a cool wife is. The coolest wife of all. But where does it end is a good question. I know. The pursuit of being a cool wife. Yeah, you want, okay, this is crazy that we're talking about this this deeply.

Starting point is 02:02:51 You don't want them to love the cool wife, you want them to love whoever you happen to be, not the ideal of the cool wife. Because if you're just pretending to be doing, which you might not be, you might be liking all this stuff, but yeah, don't get crazy with it. That's a great philosophical question. It might not be, you might be liking all this stuff, but yeah, don't get crazy with it. Yeah. That's a great philosophical question. All right, we got a little update here, you said? Uh, not a, just like a comment on another call

Starting point is 02:03:13 that we've had, but sorta. Okay. This isn't a question, hello, Stavros, hello, Elbit. Not a question, a response to advice you gave to a previous caller. The one about, I send my husband memes and he doesn't respond as much as I'd like. Calls us?

Starting point is 02:03:31 Yes, Kate, just to catch you up, we had a woman call in who says that her husband, she sends him a bunch of memes and he doesn't respond. He doesn't like give her LOLs, he doesn't. Not even a heart react. Not even a heart. I guess he just kind of is fed up with it. He's over it, okay. He doesn't. Not even a heart react. Not even a heart. I guess he just kind of is fed up with it.

Starting point is 02:03:47 He's over it. Okay. He's over it. But so, and we basically said like, that's rude, but you might also be overdoing it. You know, we don't know the full breadth of it, but it can be, you know, we basically tried to take a middleman position. But. And just, just because it comes up in here, we also said like sending good memes does

Starting point is 02:04:03 not make you funny. We did say that, because she said she was funny. And she might be funny, but meme curation does not make you funny. No. And that might be, you know, maybe now we're being defensive, but whatever. Fuck you. It's not an art.

Starting point is 02:04:16 Yeah. OK? You're doing sex? You're doing meme sex? I don't think so. You had to meme open mics? Telling the pavement. Are you fucking, yeah.

Starting point is 02:04:24 He's got an AP, he's got a 930, he's got a 1045. I'm workshopping different types of fat kids. Before we got the Rizzer, there was the fat Mexican kid. I was a comic to watch. I was at Caroline's. JFL, when it meant something. And he doesn't respond as much as I'd like. During the response there, you had a comment, which was, I think it's probably the exact quote.

Starting point is 02:04:59 You said, I got news for you. Finding means doesn't make you funny. I disagree. I strongly disagree. Finding means, well, you didn't make the meme. You didn't make you funny. Here we go. I disagree. I strongly disagree. Finding memes, well, you didn't make a meme. You didn't make a joke, of course. Well, interesting. Choosing which memes to send in,

Starting point is 02:05:13 that absolutely does make you funny. And I'll die on that hill. You know who doesn't sound funny? This guy. That's everything. Bye. Okay, by the way. Okay.

Starting point is 02:05:24 Go to hell. Why are you so angry? I hate to do this, man, but okay. Yeah. Fine. Okay, by the way. Okay. Good to hell. Well guess what? Why so angry? I hate to do this, man, but okay, you think that you, a guy calling into this show thinks that, and me, the guy whose show it is, has a different opinion.

Starting point is 02:05:37 Let the people decide who knows what funny is. You, some fucking dickhead, who's all kind of nervous even on this call. You can tell. You can hear his voice is angry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hear it really angry. I just want to say that it is, you are.

Starting point is 02:05:50 I'm sorry, man. Do a couple, look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry they didn't pull your name on the bucket at Kill Tony. I don't know what you want from me. I'm sure you're crushing the memes, but it doesn't make you funny, buddy. I don't know what to tell you. And this is why our culture is suffering so much. It doesn't make you funny. It. I don't know what to tell you. And this is why our culture is suffering so much. It doesn't make you funny.

Starting point is 02:06:06 It is true. In a weird way it actually is. People have, like cura, look, curation is a skill, right? Absolutely. Curating things is a skill, and I will even say that some people with good senses of humor have very successful meme pages, and I will say some people that are funny do pick good meme, right?

Starting point is 02:06:26 Like, it can be a Venn diagram. I feel like, you know, there are probably very funny people that run successful meme pages. I'm not saying it's not a skill, having a good sense of humor, but it is a different thing than generating things from nothing. That's what I'm saying.

Starting point is 02:06:41 I'm not even talking about making memes. You're talking about reposting me. This is a non-argument. This is not... He's drugged me into the mud. Do you understand how stupid this feels? I hate that you're making me talk about this sincerely. That I've literally dedicated my life to comedy.

Starting point is 02:07:03 And I'm a fucking 30, you know, I'm 35 and you know, my career is good but the rest of my life is dog shit. If there's one thing I know, it's being fucking, all I have in this world is being funny and knowing what being funny is and I'm sorry that you also want to be funny but you probably have a wife. You probably, well I don't know about this guy, but you know what I'm saying. Actually, that's probably what's going on here. His life is bad and he's not funny. But at the same time, I'm sorry that we're even having this discussion.

Starting point is 02:07:34 It's just a different thing. We're not, exactly, we're not even talking about making news. Quoting a funny movie? Yes. Is it you being funny? You're the guy who in college said milk was a bad choice and everybody laughed. Yeah, exactly. And listen, I said it too.

Starting point is 02:07:49 By the way, you're having fun. I'm not saying it's bad, I'm just saying you're not fucking funny by doing it. Exactly. And I'm not saying you, some people who, you know what, fuck this guy. I don't know why I even allowed this. Fuck him. I didn't like his voice from the beginning. There was something off with his tone.

Starting point is 02:08:03 And okay, you're dying on the hill, congratulations. Fuck you. Wow, you really made me fucking end this on a sour note, Eldis. No, I feel empowered like this. Okay, yeah. But see, I do hate that too because there's nothing worse than like standups. And again, I'm not trying to be one of those guys that pretend standup is an important thing. Yeah, of course. It's not. Yeah, of course.

Starting point is 02:08:26 I'm not over here telling you, you don't get what it's like. I'm just saying, picking a funny thing is not being, certain things are, we're just talking about the definition of words. And it's like. Don't degrade what we do. Don't degrade.

Starting point is 02:08:41 To the point. You repost my joke about having a little dick. You didn't think about the joke. Exactly. You didn't make it. Well, I guess that does it. Usually I'll just the ideas for a fun, lighthearted last call.

Starting point is 02:08:55 When I say, hey, I'll just, you got something fun first to go out. I didn't know that would get that out of hand, man. Sorry. We went cultural. We're talking about the overculture here. I know. I didn't know I would have would awake the dragon with that one.

Starting point is 02:09:05 Well I thought it was going to be a fun, you said it was an update, I thought it was probably some fat kid that we told to go on walks and buy 3XL shirts and believe in himself. And he's like, guess what, a girl kissed me and we're like, yay, good for you. Those are always fun, those updates. But this is some fucking, anyway, who cares. I don't care. Repost your memes, brother. This was a great episode, Kate, you were so great.

Starting point is 02:09:28 Please come back, we'd love to have you. If you're ever in New York, if you're ever back in your old stomping grounds. Oh, honey, I'm there all the time. You gotta check out the original studio as of course we are in Los Angeles right now. But this was great. Anything you wanna plug, anything people wanna?

Starting point is 02:09:44 Hey, sure, I have a podcast section. We're doing video now too. Love it. Berlant and Novak, I do it with Jacqueline Novak. Hell yeah. Comedian, used to be called, well we had a podcast, Pug. Right. I'm not gonna get into it, but we've got Berlant, Novak.

Starting point is 02:09:55 Did you get sued by Goop? No actually. Okay. Goop's been very friendly to us. Okay. But yeah, don't be a stranger out there. Check out Kate. So, so funny. Do you have a special, you taped a special,

Starting point is 02:10:10 is it coming out or anything? I have an old special. Right, Cinnamon in the Wind, that's out there. Cinnamon in the Wind, you can find it on Hulu. You got some with, you and John Early did a very funny. We did a thing on Peacock, what it called, Would It Kill You to Laugh. I'll be touring actually in the new year.

Starting point is 02:10:24 There we go, check out the dates. So please, at Kate Berlant. Send us the dates, we'll put them up there. Right. Because this, I mean it is, it's not, it won't come out in January. It's currently January. But 2025 I'm going to be on the road. Right, great. Well, go see Kate live. Please do. Listen to her podcast. And we will talk to you guys next time. Bye bye.

Stavvy's World - #114 - Kate Berlant

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