Stavvy's World - #118 - Amy Miller

Episode Date: March 3, 2025

Amy Miller joins the pod for a special LA edition of Stavvy’s World to discuss being the dirty kid with lice in school, a fun fact about Stav's beloved Baltimore Ravens, her stock going up, her parents' laissez-faire attitude in the household, and much more. Amy and Stav help callers including a man hiding his binge-eating habit from his wife, and a woman who’s sick of hearing her friends talk about how much they loved living in NYC. Get a refreshing Twisted Tea today. Keep It Twisted!! Visit https://www.twistedtea.com/locations to find Twisted Tea near you. Get the Beard & Balls Bundle for 20% OFF + Free International Shipping with code STAVVY at www.Manscaped.com ! #ManscapedPartner Eat smart with Factor. Head to https://www.factormeals.com/FACTORPODCAST and use code FACTORPODCAST to get 50% off your first box plus free shipping. Find exactly what you're booking for on Booking.com! https://www.booking.com/  Follow Amy Miller on social media: https://www.amymillercomedy.com/ https://www.facebook.com/amymillercomedy https://www.instagram.com/amymillercomedy http://www.twitter.com/amymiller https://www.youtube.com/user/amymillercomedy 🎟️ See Stavvy live on the Dreamboat Tour 🛥️💕!!! https://stavvy.biz/ for tickets 🎥 Rent or buy LET'S START A CULT at https://stavvy.biz/movie ‼️ Bonus episodes every week! Unlock exclusive, Patreon-only episodes at https://www.patreon.com/stavvysworld ☎️ Wanna be part of the show? Call 904-800-STAV and leave a voicemail to get advice!

Changing a light bulb should be simple. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Uh-oh. That's not supposed to happen. Quickly submitting and tracking a claim on the Bel Air Direct app actually is simple. Bel Air Direct. Insurance simplified. Hopa! Welcome everybody to Stavi's World. 904-800-STAFF. Call in, we'll solve all your problems. As you can see, we got a little travel episode here.

We're in our beautiful Los Angeles studios at Bad Ladder. Shout out to the mysterious Moe. Eldest is actually here this time. Eldest. What's up, everyone? I made him leave. He was gonna spend quality time with his wife. And I said, no. Come to Los Angeles on a last minute flight.

I gotta go to LA for like 72 hours. You gotta come. We have to do podcasts and it's last minute and so you will have a middle seat and Delta and it will probably be $700 so I can't put you in comfort plus big guy. Sorry. It's my job, babe. My seat coming here was a 55E, so. I was backed by this shit. That's good, that's high numbers good, right?

Bigger. That's bigger. Yeah, we thought it was like pants size. Like, oh, sorry, Elvis, we tried to get you in the biggest size we could. Top size. So yes, don't freak out. Don't have an autistic meltdown because it's not the background you're used to.

We love the studio here. We put a little some touches of home. Home country. Yeah, of the home country. And this gives an opportunity to get some of our pals from Los Angeles on the show. Mix it up for you guys, because we're going to go on tour. We want to have we want to get, We want to get little different flavors going in. Today we have my buddy Amy Miller. How's it going? Thanks for coming. Yes. Christos Anesti. Christos Anesti. Yeah, this will be the Easter episode.

I don't know when it's coming up. Yeah, it actually may be, dude. Who knows? I was jealous that you dressed for Thanksgiving with Caleb and I wanted to come as like a sexy Santa, but then I was like, what if it comes out in January? No, it's not coming out, it is January, Amy. As you know, happy 2025. We just were having a great time

at the famous Los Angeles ball drop ceremony. Do you guys have anything? We're going to the inauguration tomorrow. I'm pumped. We're flying. That's why we only had 72 hours for elders to get here. We had to get to the inauguration ASAP. We got plans.

No, no terroristic threats to our great next leader. It'll just be nice to see such a vital power exchange from Joe Biden to Donald Trump. Strong handshake. Strong handshake. I do hope Biden does something really fun at the inauguration, which is soon or has just happened. I hope they have some sand for him to walk on. That's my favorite. which is soon or has just happened. I hope they have some sand for him to walk on. That's my favorite.

Yeah, good for him, man. He's going to he's he's not going to make it to the mother who's the mother that won't die. The strong sermon. No, he's dead. He's dead. His his half black love child came out to light while he was being racist as hell. He just fully was having sex with a black lady.

I can't believe it. That's so weird. That must be the only instance of that happening. Of someone fucking someone they hate. Yeah. Well, I guess, should we get to your dating life? Is that a perfect segue? My dating life is going great.

No, now it is, right? I'm locked up. Yes, that's very cute. Have you been, what about before? Because this very sweet guy met your current beau. Yeah, I've been in like a few long-term relationships. Are you a long-term relationship gal? I mean, I will for the right person, but in between, I really get it in.

Let it fly. Yeah. I was realizing, I don't think I've ever told you this, but a special nugget for you during my mid-2000s? Yes. Hello days. Mid-2000s? Yes. Holidays.

Mid-2000s, nice. I did make love with a Baltimore Raven. Wow! You haven't used this the first time I'm hearing this? I was saving it. Are you kidding me? You saved it on camera to see my actual delight and glee. That's insane.

We would have been, you don't understand how much closer we'd be right now. I'm surprised I never told you. If you had dropped that like hang out three or four, I'd be officiating your wedding. You know what I mean? We should be closer anyway. We should. This helps a lot. I don't even, okay, I'm obviously not going to say his name.

I'll tell you after, but I don't think he saw a lot of game time. Sure, sure, sure. It was confirmed that he was a raven at the time. Okay. He was a very nice man. Mid-2000s, okay. And then he hopped around a lot of teams, but I don't even know if you would know his name.

I can't, but you know what? But while you had sex with him, he was on the roster. Yes, absolutely. That's cute. But he had an apartment in the roster. Yes, absolutely. But he had an apartment in New York. Oh, OK. Wonderful man.

I mean, I survived a one-night stand with an NFL player. That's fun. Good for you. What a smart way to be loose in New York. Just like, no, what could go wrong? Just an NFL player. Just the sport where they have so much head trauma that one of the most famous running backs of the 70s murdered his wife. And by the way, you know the NFL vaporized OJ Simpson's skull the second he died.

You know they had a guy throw a fucking grenade in that medical examiner's office? The fucking CTE he had in those like 70s aluminum helmets just banging his head back and forth. I feel like they just took it out and put table salt on it and it dissolved like a slug. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. It was so toast. Oh man, yeah. This guy seemed very aware of like the possibility

that a woman might be afraid of him. Sure, that's good. Like he was just so like, is this OK? You know, consent. That's new to the NFL. Yeah, they had just gone over that in the mid-2000s with the NFL players. They're like, all right, from now on, boys, start asking. Just in case. Just in case.

All right. We used to only tell this to the starters, but now we'll even tell the bench players that you need to get consent Yeah, it was whatever year in the mid 2000s. He would have had like a lot of rhinestones on his back Okay Lucky lucky lucky seven no, I feel lucky. It's just feel, yeah. It's just Lucky, right? No, that's one of them. Oh, okay. I don't know. Something Buddha, the Buddha is the...

True religion. Oh, yeah. A lot of rhinestones. And I do believe there's a brand that has Lucky somewhere in there. But yeah, tap out era shirts, too? I think he had almost like an Affliction shirt. Yes, Affliction, top out. Beautiful. With like a big cross. And that was, for you that was awesome. Loved it. Yeah.

I mean, so sparkly. It drew you in, and then you saw the muscles. We watched Soul Plane. Awesome. A little hint there. He won't say his name, but a little, some bread crumbs. Very astute. Now I just sound racist, his name but little, some bread crumbs. Ha ha ha ha. Various too. Ha ha ha ha.

Now I just sound racist but he also made like. I've watched Soul Play with a girl I fucked. That is actually true. It's so funny. It is a good, it's funny, it's a funny like. I felt safe. It's also a funny document to show people like who weren't, so yeah Kevin Hart, this is before he was famous.

It's like a fun thing for people who don't know about it. Totally and it's it's a fun movie Yeah, it's really a good time. He also made like a rum punch Oh his own rum punch Yeah, yeah It was nice. He was such a gentleman. Yeah, this is like pre Uber New York, so he like called me a town car like wow That's a classy move. Yeah, moments after he busted.

He was actually on the phone while having sex. No, I'm kidding. I slept for a little bit. What? He was like, all right, we won't refill the health bar, but we'll get you halfway before we leave you. Slept for a little bit is maybe the funniest option. She needs some rest. She needs some rest.

She needs some rest after taking this kind of affliction pounding. After taking this rhinestone gene pile driving. That's nice. I'm not even really like a, I don't like hook up with strangers. I don't judge, obviously. But it's not like my thing. But I don't know. Yeah, come on.

Mid-2000s New York. Mid-2000s NFL player. Yeah Mid-2000s, NFL player. Yeah. That's fun. That's the worst choice you could make. I don't know. It's for the, in terms of the bucket list, like look back fondly on some dickings.

That's a fun one to have there. It was really fun, yeah. He was really nice. Yeah, exactly. Nice guy, athlete. I don't know if there's like, I guess for, what's the equivalent for, I mean, guys, it's just literally hot, any hot woman,

I don't really care what her profession is. But I would love to hook up with a professional athlete, but I don't think it's the same like- What sport? WNBA? Honestly, I would love that. I would love that. I have no problem talking to a taller woman.

I think it's fun. This is what I love about you. You're not like basic in your choices. No, no, no. I think it's a mark of strength. And in fact, one of the things I, one of the pictures I admire most or a couple or like an image I admire most is a short man with a hot woman who's just towering over him. And he doesn't give, there's Joe Pesci with like his wife in the 90s.

And he's like truly up to her tits. And he's the man, he's, it's cool. How comfortable with that Viva. And that's the other thing. I don't get to really feel, I don't really get to feel held. Even when I've had girlfriends do the token, you know, little, make me the little spoon there.

I mean, their arms are not getting all the way around. These girls are not. If I get a girl with a real wingspan. Olympic shot putter. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, they're a little staggy. Traveling stroller. I need, yeah, I need length.

You know what I mean? I need somebody to be able to get the whole stomach from behind. I've never had that. Maybe volleyball. I'm so open to all of these. You have no idea how much I would love to be a WNBA husband.

That would be so sick. That would be so awesome. I'm on fucking court side. Let's go baby, come on, fuck this bitch. Geared up, just talking shit. I love hoops, I love talking shit. It would be the dream come true. And it's like all of them are taller than me.

There's not a single, well, I mean, maybe there's like a guard in the WNBA that's my height, but it's like even guards are like five, 10. Yeah, I love this idea. So I'm open to it. And then yeah, a Jack. I like that you like the spice of life. I'm all over it.

Give me any, give me. I appreciated when you told me at an airport that you would buy stock in my pussy. I did, cause I, cause you're great. an airport that you would buy stock in my pussy. I did, because you're a great... That meant so much to me. Because you got a good... You're a great hang. You know what I mean? Yeah.

And I just felt like... Because you met that... Because I remember you just met a random... Your current... If we can divulge... Oh, yeah, yeah. You know, you talk about it. Your boyfriend was just a guy in a different city. In Nebraska.

In Nebraska that you on Tinder found and this guy has pretty much uprooted his life to be with you and if that's not worth buying stock in, this man left the cornfields, he left the quiet of the Midwest to put up with a big city. If that's not a pussy worth buying, getting some dividends in, I don't know what is.

That's all I'm saying. Yeah. Some long term reasonable options. Yeah. Yeah. Now look, it's not, you're not going to get rich overnight. It's not that kind of stock. No, no, no. You got to wait it out. But you want it in your portfolio. It's going to pay overtime. It's coming. He's also the best. Like, I don't deserve him at all. But I appreciate that about you. And we were at Bob Hope's Burbank Airport in the middle of the day. And you've never been close to my pussy. No, no, no.

Let's put that... From my boyfriend to know. She's like, this is the one thing that could ruin it. We overcame long distance. We overcame me being a comedian. That's weird. But if he catches wind, then he's going to be a comedian. And I'm like, I'm going to be a comedian.

I'm going to be a comedian. I'm going to be a comedian. I'm going to be a comedian. I'm going to be a comedian. I'm going to be a comedian. I'm going to be a comedian. I'm going to be a comedian. I'm going to be a comedian.

I'm going to be a comedian. I'm going to be a comedian. I'm going to be a comedian. I'm going to be a comedian. I'm going to be a comedian. I'm We overcame long distance, we overcame me being a comedian, that's weird, but if he catches wind, that I even suspect, stop, fuck me, it's all over, he's headed back. After that Raven? You don't wanna go Raven's fan after a Raven.

Oh man, yep, yep. Fuck, what was I just gonna say? I missed it, but there are some, definitely some, I hope I haven't ruined any relationships. I hope women out there know, if we fucked and your boyfriend mentions me, don't bring it up. Nothing good is gonna come of it. He's not gonna be stoked, I'll tell you that much. It's not gonna be like, nice. I don't bring it up nothing good is gonna come of it he's not gonna be stoked I'll tell you that much it's not gonna be like nice maybe some actually

I have got we won't even say it but then you get a weird DM from some guy that was like yo I guess he DMed me and I didn't see it, so he needed to tell someone. I think it was actually a voicemail. Someone called into the show. She just made me feel extra weird. Oh, that's too close. Because we're not supposed to say Eskimo anymore. Is that what upset you about it? Yeah, that was so sad.

I was like, please, we're Inuit brothers. Was it like with his wife? I don't, I have no information. Oh man, I gotta hear this message. I doubt it was. I remember hearing it and I was like, Stav, you wanted to hear it? He was like, no.

I don't need to know this information, man. I don't need to hear, I don't want to know the quality of his voice. I don't want to know what emotion. I want to keep that a mystery, man. I don't need to know more about that. Folks, you know, here at Stavis Build we love to keep that a mystery, man. I don't need to know more about that. Folks, you know, here at Stuyves Field, we love to keep it twisted. And when it comes to beverages that are our choice,

you know we're getting twisted on. Delicious twisted teas. That's right. My self-imposed year of sobriety is over. And I'm not ashamed to admit I've been enjoying a couple twisted teas here. You see we're on the tour bus. Nothing like kicking back at the end of a hard show

and let's say, you know, Spokane, Washington, with a nice, I'm a raspberry guy, maybe even a peach guy when it comes to Twisted Tea. Do you like to get twisted? Do you like delicious beverages made with real brewed iced tea, 5% per volume, go down smooth as hell, well then you know what I'm gonna need you to do?

Keep it twisted, that's right. Keep it twisted. Keep it twisted, just like me, Eldis, JP, McDade, and the rest of the crew here, the rest of the crew here on the tour bus. So grab a refreshing twisted tea today and keep it twisted. Um interesting you don't deserve him now what do you think that's about Amy?

Why do you think you don't deserve a great guy? Because I think you're a great person. Oh thank you. I think so too. But it's you know but he stepped into a tricky life. Well what's great is he that he doesn't care about stand-up comedy. That's huge. That blew my mind. Yeah, because I'm not, nobody knows who I am. I'm sure they'll tell me in the comments. When they say, who the fuck did Stammy have on? I'm Amy Miller. I'm a very good comedian. Yeah, Amy's very funny. Yeah, there's no reason for him to know who I was,

but like he just like didn't follow standup. He literally fell in love with my personality, so I'm like, what's wrong with this guy? That's awesome that you were like, wow, of course it's gonna be my talent that brings this guy in. He must be a fan. Yeah.

Of an art form that most people don't give a fuck about. Yeah, that's true. Even my career, it's like, if I didn't have podcasts, if it wasn't, maybe I would be fucking, you know, headlining here and there, but it's like, you really have to get famous for other things. Yes, tell me about it. And then you just have to fucking,

and then stand-up is like, stand-up is sort of like the rich child, and podcasting is like like it's rich parents. And it's like your stand-up career is essentially, you have to become your own nepo baby. You have to put your stand-up forward and something else has to fucking pay the bills. Yeah, I gotta make this money so my stand-up can get ahead.

Yes, I can go do fucking shows. I'm so proud of it. Well, but you guys didn't even meet, I could also see you thinking that if you saw you in person, because that's, at least for guys, that's also the only way I would get laid very early on, is if someone saw a show and was excited. But it's like, just from the internet, it's funny for you to be like, yeah, I mean, he's going to be blown away when he fucking sees me.

Does not care. Doesn't care at all. That's what you need. Yeah. That's much better. Well, yeah, I don't think I'm like devoid of charm or whatever, but I don't know. I just I was like shocked when I saw him in person off Tinder, like how hot he was.

And then I was like, surely he's just going to say, never mind. Oh, wow. I love that. You know what I mean? Of course. It's like, I, yeah. I have high self esteem, but it's like, you know, dudes are also just like that sometimes. Sure, they'll get out of there quick.

They're like, I don't wanna tell my buddies about this. It's not happening. Sure, sure, sure. Like you just fuck for each other, you know? Of course, of course. It's like, if only I could be attracted to fucking a man, but I'm not, so I'm going to fuck women and use that as currency.

That my dad wants to fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As well. So he thinks I'm cool. So him and his friends that I hate think I'm cool. But then, yeah, we didn't, yeah, then he didn't just want to bang. He, yeah, he uprooted his whole life.

That's beautiful. His dog, our dog. I love hearing that. Yeah. Your dog, now your dog as well. Of course, yeah. I feel like I met my dog, you know what I mean? Like I was just waiting for her my whole life.

Yes, step mom to a dog. Yeah, yeah, she gets a lot of treats. That's awesome. I love that. What was the, are we talking bad dad? You know, what's the- What happened to me? Yeah, what's the idea here about not believing again

that you can have a good family or like not expecting it or thinking like, what's the fam looking like? Cause you grew up in, you didn't grow up in Portland, right? You just moved there? I grew up in the Bay Area. You grew up in the Bay, okay. Yeah. Cause when we met you were living in Portland, I wanna say.

Yes, yeah. I lived in Portland for three years. I did comedy up there, but I started in the Bay. I'm from Oakland-ish. Okay, nice. And yeah, well, my dad died when I was young. There we go. Ding, ding, ding. You don't know this story. Okay. Well, dad died when I was nine. And then when I was 30, I found out he wasn't my real dad Oh my god

But then the other guy was dead as well Oh double dead dad! You didn't even get to fucking... No, he died when I was 20 Yeah, my mom was gonna So you did have 11 years there where maybe you could have done something Oh yeah, she was gonna take that secret to her grave, but she got found out. Fucking Ancestry.com.

Yeah, and then I started standup like three months later after all this happened. Holy shit. Yeah, and then I have an older brother who's, you know, he's an older brother. Sure. So I love him very much, but he's like, I guess my father figure.

Interesting. Which nobody asks for once. No. You're an older brother. I am. Yeah and it sucks right? Yeah yeah. It is. Like why I have to take care of these idiots. I did I do sort of have to be the father of my family in a fucked up way. Yeah. My father's alive by the way. Yeah. He's just not good at being the head of a household. Yeah, when they live, they don't get much better. That's the thing. Can I be honest?

I think you kind of got a nice dead dad. Not that bad. Yeah. Kind of nice, because you can- Dead mom sucks. Dead mom brutal. Dead mom brutal, for sure. You need a mom.

Dead dad's great, because it's like, it's the perfect idea of this guy. But everyone who loves their dead dad that died when they were a child, it's like he's like James Dean. James Dean would have grown up, he would have gotten bald, he would have gotten fat, he would have made a bunch of bad movies. But he's burned in your mind's eyes like this,

like he's America's heartthrob, teen, whatever. You just remember him coming home with a Nintendo. You don't remember him fucking getting caught cheating when he found out, you know, when Facebook came out, he fucking, you know, he messages his high school girlfriend, that never happens to you, you know what I mean? Yeah, he would have probably gotten some cheating revenge

on my mom eventually, because he knew I wasn't his kid, obviously, so he was like raising not his kid. Oh my God. So it's even juicier. I thought it was like a... Which is cool. You don't meet a lot of women, mothers of three that cheat a lot and then have a whole child.

Yeah, just key up, mixes the kid in. Yeah. Yeah. He was not the greatest man, but I have more empathy for him now that we have all this information. A lot of info coming out. But his whoring wife, love you mom. Well, it is funny when you get old enough

and you're like, my parents truly were just people. I know. And that, it sucks, but it's also freeing to be like, of course they're just fucking idiots. Yeah, but if that dad was still alive, he'd be for sure a psycho at this point. Something, yeah, I don't think I would wanna talk to him. So it's kinda nice.

Plus when your dad dies and you're nine, like you get like so much attention. The presence must have been out of control. Yeah, the food. You know, church ladies are bringing over casseroles. Yes. Yes. Yes. And you just feel like you deserve it. Yeah. When does the- A buffet at home for fat kids. Oh, must've been honestly a dream. Yeah. Wish another parent would die.

Again, I don't want to wish- I don't want to wish my father dead. No, no, of course not. Of course not. However, in an alternate universe, where Greek ladies were coming through with food, they're pinching my cheeks, feeling sorry for me. If it happens when you're maybe even a little older, maybe let's say 12, if the halo lasts like three years, you get to 15, maybe you even get

some sympathy pussy out of it. Oh, absolutely. You know what I mean? Like, I could have seen how that would have positively impacted my life. Again, glad my dad's alive. We hung out for the first time during the holidays in a while.

We're good now. But them casseroles sound pretty good, Amy. And they were. Yeah, white Baptist women. Wow, the food. Interesting. White Baptist the food. Interesting. White Baptist in Oakland. That's an interesting type of person to be.

That's what I was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's weird for sure. Yeah, it got me out of class. That was fun. And then it just put this dark, if you're a little kid, nobody wants to hang out with a kid

who already has a dead parent, because that's so weird. That's like you're from a Disney movie. You know what I mean? I just had a creepy air about me at that point. You were cursed, you were haunted. Yeah. But I would imagine you were a bubbly kid,

or were you not? No, I was pretty quiet and fearful and anxious. Interesting. Yeah, I had a lot of cool tics. Oh really? Yeah, other kids love that. So you were fucking, you were glitching out, you had a dead dad.

All the time. Oh wow. I also just was like the kid that accidentally told other children like Santa wasn't real. Oh no. So I was just like, your parents can die too and there's no Santa. Yeah, yeah, oh wow.

Yeah, it's like, hmm, my dad died and then Santa stopped coming around. You put two and two together. It was just scary for other children. That is true. We don't talk about how much just being a bummer, because kids are just so basic. They're just like, if you look nice, if you have a treat, if you're fun, they're around. And then it's like, hmm, I don't like this like this I'm going away they'll just do that to you yeah yeah it would be the littlest shit I'm trying to say I mean we had a kid who

did have a parent die and I remember thinking towards the end of the year it's like all right he's milking it a little bit like I remember being like I remember I remember we had, I was kind of friends with him, and then all the dickhead kids who were kind of bullies to him, they were like over the top nice, and the same shit, what you're describing, presence, whatever, let's all make this guy feel good.

And I remember being like, this guy fucking abandoned me and the other guys to be with the fucking, not even popular, because it was like fourth grade. So it wasn't like it was that clique, it was just like he switched over. He switched up on us and he was like, he literally tried to turn cool. And I remember being like, all right, I feel bad.

He's smoking cigarettes. Do you remember this, Eldis? Or were you gone by that time? I think I was gone, but I think I know who you're talking about. Yeah. Yeah. He's probably like, life is too short, man.

I can't hang out with this fat fuck anymore. I'm hanging out with a fat kid. I'm hanging out with those sexy kids that are good at soccer. I'm like, OK, whatever, man. Fuck you. My family was already kind of like had this mythological status in the neighborhood, because we were like the big white trash house on the corner.

Yeah, hell yeah. With like a visible, like my dad tried to build a houseboat on the corner. Yeah, hell yeah. With like a, you know, a visible, like my dad tried to build a houseboat himself, like shit like that. Just a half finished house that was not seaworthy. That my brother's living in. Oh no. Oh no, it could not get out on the water.

And then there's like a broken down fishing boat, like right next to it. Love it. And you know, just constantly like fights and screaming and parties and all this stuff. Gotcha. So it was already like, oh those are like the Miller Girls.

I see, I see, oh wow. And then all of a sudden we have a dead parent. You come to school shoeless with overalls on, you know what I mean? Yeah. A little thing of hay in your teeth. You definitely always smell like cigarettes. Like I can't imagine.

Cause my mom would smoke in the car with the windows up. Oh my god. And so then I'm like, yeah, just would go through periods of having full lice and pretending like I didn't. Oh my god. Smell like smoke. I see, I see. Oh yeah. That's brutal. I'm wearing like my older brother's clothes. And then, you know, and then I do, yeah do yeah and kids are just like that's a bug on you

I'm like no, it's not. No, it's definitely not coming from my head Wow, so you look like there's no Santa bitch So you were patient zero for many lice outbreaks probably Because remember that was another thing they made us do constantly at our schools like there I feel like once every six months, the nurse would comb through and find some lice. Yeah, it was the worst because it's like if you had any, you'd leave class and get combed out or whatever and then you had to collect your things and leave so all the other kids know.

And then I remember- The first walk of shame of your life. Yeah, in third grade being like, I don't have it. They just said I have to go home anyway. And they're like, you're giving me a short day. Yeah, just because my head was so free of lies. They're like, well, this is the cleanest head we've ever seen. You deserve an ice cream party. You guys can't come it's just gonna be me

That's fucking awesome. I mean this made my head itch. I don't have it right now Yeah, the psychosomatic thing My parents just straight shaved our heads when we got lice they were like we're not doing this Yeah, which you can kind of do with boys. I guess yeah. Yeah, that would have been pretty brutal at school You couldn't throw shades head on onto what you were already dealing with. I mean, I would imagine there were probably some kids at school that just thought we straight up killed our own dad. Yeah, a fist fight.

Just three little chubby girls, like, we got him. So you had an older brother and then two other sisters? Yeah, yeah. And my brother was like, yeah, he was doing his best to raise us as a teenage drug addict. Hell yeah. Well, he's like in punk bands and stuff. So like he was doing that whole thing. He's 10 years older than me.

Okay, nice. Yeah, yeah. I mean, he's still in punk. He's still in his punk band. Okay. But that was like, yeah, So I was a Christian kid, but then... So he would go dumpster diving and bring you day old Panera croissants that they threw away. Yes. Wait, how do you know this?

Wait, for real? Oh, you've met punks. Yeah, I just know punks. Big bag of bagels. And my brothers used to work at Panera Bread. So I know who would beg them for the trash bread. I had punk friends who had, one of them worked at Panera. They always brought shit to their house in college. Yeah, dude, that was a classic punk kid thing to do.

You just have like three day old crusty ass croissants. Like, hey, not so bad. That's where punks and fat people cross. That's where, that's the Venn diagram in the middle is eating old ass pastries that other people would have put in the trash. Yeah, you don't even have to work at Panera to go through their trash. You really don't. They did start cracking down towards the end, but...

They're locking the dumpsters behind the bagel shops. That's legitimately so fucked up. I know. It's like you were just letting it rot. That's fucking crazy. But it's like my early memories of him are like watching Pee-wee's Playhouse when I had just gotten up because I was a child and he was just getting home like from Gilman and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Very special memories. That's cute. But yeah, but like he didn't, he had to tell me my dad died. That's also fucked up when you picture like a 19 year old boy. Totally, totally. Like that's just too much. Yeah, just your little sister. He was probably drunk still.

Yeah, for sure. For sure. Mom couldn't handle that I guess? She was somewhere that we didn't know. Oh wow, what the fuck? So it's really Lord of the Flies in your household? Oh absolutely, yeah, yeah. So did you have other, I know you were ostracized for being white trash,

but were there other trash kids that came over since it was like a no man's land in your house? Oh, yeah. Was it that house? My siblings had a bunch of friends and they would always have people over. Yeah, it became like the the like place to hang out. Yeah. Watch porn as children. Whatever. Just like no rules. That's how I found out what sex was.

And I was like a little Christian kid. It's from my brother's porn. Hell yeah. And- What kind of collection? Do you have videotapes, DVDs? This is the thing, like all he had was black porn. Interesting.

It's Oakland? That, yeah. You know what I mean? When the East Bay- The market dictates. Yeah. It's not the market dictates. And I found it in his closet. I didn't know what intercourse was.

I knew like, you know, some people have penis, some people have vagina. I didn't know they interacted in that way. And it was all black porn. So I thought that only black people had sex for like several years. That's fucking awesome. So many of my friends at school were black that I was just like, I know what you do. I know what you guys are up to.

And it's cool. I gotta say, pretty jealous. Wanna study together? I love believing that, but knowing Santa's not real. It was a confusing time I have a couple hard truths for my other white You white kids are not gonna want to hear this Santa's not real and we never get to fuck And your parents can die

Yeah yeah yeah Damn that's fucking wild, dude. Yeah, there was just like no rules and whatever. But I didn't have that many friends for a long time. I was like a cousin hangout, you know what I mean? It's like go to your cousins. Right, right, right. Because you don't have any friends at school.

You were the hanger on that nobody was like, it was like, yeah, my cousin's here. My cousin was like, cool, you know, like she was like, she like had boyfriends already and she was like wearing yeah, my cousin's here. My cousin was like, cool, you know? She was like, she had boyfriends already, and she was wearing jerseys. Sure, I remember that. I don't know why that's. No, that was cool. That was cool when we were growing up.

Yeah, yeah, like the early 90s girl with different colored rubber bands on her braces, and then a jersey to match with leggings. She was like, she had the first DVD player I ever saw, first CD player, like she got everything. What were you playing? Do you remember the first movie you watched on that DVD player?

No, I don't. That's a good question. I don't either. I don't either. But it just would have been, you know, fun. I don't remember the first DVD I watched. It's probably like a Christmas movie or something, but. I remember a lot of VHSs,

but I don't remember when DVDs took over. I remember the Godfather one, because it was so big. I remember Titanic. Same thing, the double tapes. Like that gold one? Oh yeah, we had a lot of double tape VHSs on musicals and stuff. Like Sound of Music, I'm obsessed with, but we would watch the first tape, that's fun. So I didn't know about the Nazis for like so long.

Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. Whoa, this is such a fun musical. Everyone's just in the Alps having a good time. Yeah, this kid Rolf seems alright. He's handsome. Well dressed. Folks, you know, you know, me and the boys, we're out here on tour. We gotta keep, gotta stay nice and clean, nice and groomed.

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Because I never in my mind could like put together religious with like the Lord of the Flies upbringing you're discussing. You're usually so supervised when you're religious. Like how long did it last and how did you get into it? Did you have like grandparents and parents that made you go up when you were really little? No, my parents, grandparents didn't go at all. Like totally like non-religious family. Although now my mom's getting into it

because she's just lived the fear of mortality. She sees her death coming along, she does the laundry list of sins. And her Christian president, Donald J. Trump. Oh yes. You know? Your mom was just out and about, probably sucking and fucking when your dad died.

It's like, you know what, it's time for morals. Now that I've had my fun, no one else gets to have it. We couldn't find her till like maybe like 10 in the morning or something like no idea. I was at a slumber party It was like a whole thing I didn't want to go to parties for a long time after that cuz like the one that I got invited to like my fucking You're just dirty as your Linus basically to a party. Yeah, and the first time you get one your fucking dad Me up so I was like where's dad and they were like let this 18 year old boy tell you what's

Listen we did rock-paper-scissors. I gotta pick you up. I didn't get tell you, okay? As soon as your brother gets out of his heroin nap or whatever, I'm just guessing, he'll tell you your dad died. Black tar heroin. Black tar, okay, yep, yep. Well, that is like the perfect environment for, in the mid-80s it was like very common

to just like have a church van and send it around and be like, we'll take your kids who clearly need structure and Jesus. And then, you know, my dad's like, well, football's on Sunday morning, so this is perfect timing for me. So it was just, yeah. We literally got in a van with like a strange man. And then me and my- And didn't get molested. No, we shockingly did not.

Our youth pastor did end up being a huge molester. The lice, the lice might've saved you. The same reason you didn't have friends. That's so beautiful. Oh, they were protected critters. You thought they were enemies. They were your little guardian angels. Oh my God, I'm gonna start weeping.

You start trying to get that lice shampoo banned. You're like, there might be little dirty kids that need these. Yeah. Wow, so the guy was a molester. Yeah, and my sister and I spent a lot of time alone with this man. But nothing happened to us.

Again, yeah, I mean, you're probably right. The smell alone. I think being dirty and having lice literally stopped you from getting arrested. But like a bunch, cause one day he just like disappeared, of course. Like he was just like, a Pastor Jeff doesn't work here anymore.

You know, and then it was years later we found out he like, yes, had sadly touched all these people. It's so fucked, but yeah, nothing happened to us. But at the time it was a pleasant place for you. Yeah. It probably wasn't chaotic. Yeah, well there were like. There was probably a ham sandwich,

or maybe some kind of sandwich. Good snacks, Nella wafers and Kool-Aid. Ooh, yeah. And just like adults that took an interest in us. So me and my one sister kept with it for a long time. Like I almost went to Bible college, but then I went to Berkeley. Wow. Those were my two options.

I was like, I will go to Bible college in Oklahoma. The meme of the dangerous, thundering, evil place in the good place. Yeah. And she went to Bible college. Oh, wow. So you get to see what your life would have been like. Yeah, kind of. I mean, she's pretty out of it now. She's still religious-ish,

but not like in that crazy way. Yeah. You know, cause we got a gay sister and all this stuff. Of course. Once you get to the homophobia, it's so corny. You're just like, grow up, guys. It's hard, yeah. I know.

They lose a lot of motherfuckers with that, but I mean, they gain a lot more, I suppose. I guess numbers wise, they're playing just numbers. They're probably, it's the right. It's just like embarrassing. It is so sad. It's like you care this much how other people bust. That matters to you that much. And I don't want to hear the groomer shit.

It's way more straight religious people. There's way more straight religious pedophiles than gay ones. Oh yeah, and my... Well, that's not necessarily true. But they're all religious is my point. Not other guys. Every single one. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's way more religious. Greek Orthodox mostly. Not that we... I've talked about this in length. We let our priests get married. That's clutch. That's how you make sure they don't... Yeah, because it's like...

Because the only way you don't... The ones who aren't allowed to get married are the ones who like rise through the ranks. The ones that are like, you know, married to the church, I guess. And they're such like, fuck it, they're trying to become the like, we don't have a pope we call the archbishop. They're like career minded.

So they don't have time for molesting. And the ones at their home parish, they're fucking their wives. It's time consuming. Yeah, I just wake up, wait. That's what they're- Kids are quick. Yeah. That's what you're saying. I just wait. That's what they're... Kids are quick.

Yeah. That's the thing about these Catholic molesters. They don't fucking really love the church. You should be praying. You should be trying to get... Yeah, they love molesting. You rise up through the ranks, but yeah. Well, this is how fucked up and conservative that church was is that when all this shit came out

about the molester youth pastor, we had another friend from church we grew up with who had since come out of the closet and changed his name and all this stuff. And they were like, oh yeah, it's really sad about Pastor Jeff, the devil got to him, because Satan makes you molest. Of course, of course. If you're weak. If you're weak, yes. We all have moments of weakness. Of course, of course. Thank God. When we consider molest. If you're weak. We all have moments of weakness.

Of course, of course. Thank God. If only the devil, thank God the devil hasn't chosen me. Yeah, and they had so much empathy for him, the molester. And then, I won't say the other guy's name, but let's say it's John. Like they were like, at least he didn't end up like John. At least? Just a gay person? Yeah, just a gay guy. A regular gay guy.

I mean, that's why we're so fucked. Jeff was molesting boys as well. And I was like, what's getting that? He was doubling up. But that doesn't count. That doesn't count because that was the devil. But having, you know, going and getting like oolong tea in the morning with your fucking husband.

Your rescue joa-wa. Your rescue joa-wa. That's Satan. Fucking children while you're a fucking pastor. Hey look, we all make mistakes. Transforming neighborhoods with your flower chefs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's bad. That's fucking bad. Buying jade earrings.

Yeah, they were sick. And these people, you know, they were doing it in the middle of the East Bay. So it's like, you really have to commit to being like a fundamentalist Christian there because you're surrounded by queers. Totally. It's very gay over there. That's why it was shocking to me to hear about that. But hey, I guess that's, you have to be that fucking, you have to really for it. Yeah, for sure looking for something, some structure, something at all. So what happens through Berkeley? Like the, cause you said you started-

That's where it started to fade. Yeah. You know, I tried it for a while. I was going to, there's this park called People's Park that's since been demolished cause a lot of unhoused people live there and they don't want that. But this has been happening like since the 60s.

Like people just lived in this park. It's pretty chill, whatever. I mean, yeah, people are doing drugs sometimes, but it's not a violent place. It's just like, I don't know, but it's in the middle of Berkeley right by campus. But I used to go there with hot chocolate and try to save people.

My first two years. Spread the word. You were still trying that type of stuff. Interesting. But then, it had been, I wanted to have sex with my boyfriend. Oh, you weren't... We were doing other stuff.

Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. Christian sex. Which God is like, that's all good. Yeah. Get your face fucked. He's real concerned with the holes. But once the pussy gets in the mix... Suffocate in between your thighs after school

while you're watching Dawson's Creek DVDs. That's fine. That's awesome. That is so, that is ultimately what probably gets so many people as having sex and then being like, wait, this was a big deal? Yeah, yes. Because I wasn't, it was like, he had been my boyfriend since high school. Like I was like, this doesn't feel like sinful.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've made this teenage boy wait like three years. And he was very supportive and nice about it, but I was just like, this seems fucking dumb. And then yeah, the homophobia, Courtney, so many things. I got an education that tends to help with religion. Started showering. You started being able to afford food without the church giving it to you. And you're like, hey, yeah, yeah. With religion. Started showering. You started being able to afford food

without the church giving it to you. And you were like, hey, I have a full stomach and I've read a few books. Started working at the video store, Vidiot, just studying cinema. Of course. Watch a few French films and God, seems silly. Of course, of course.

That's so fucking funny. And then you were, so then what do you, because it sounds like if I'm putting the chronology together you don't start stand up till you're 30 or like? Yeah, almost 31. So what's the mid, what's the like, what's the 20s look like? What are you doing in that zone? Working in first nonprofit and then working in music and working in tech. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah. Like that.

Yeah. The mid 2000s kind of tech San Francisco. Oh, that's true. Embarrassing situation. Just throwing parties. Although Groupon was Chicago, I think. But like, yeah, the mid 2000s. I remember. I remember when everyone. People were trying to be Yelp elite. Everybody's trying to get on Yelp. Going to Yelp parties. Everyone's trying to get on. Everyone's trying to be Yelp elite Everyone's trying to be the mayor of some shitty bar on Foursquare. I do remember that tinder was brand new The first Yelp users because my very good high school friend was like the first and lead engineer at Yelp. Mm-hmm

Doing very well for himself for him. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. He's the best. But I remember he was just like, I was waiting tables at the time. So he was like, can you like write some reviews on this website that's for people to review? Hilarious. Restaurants and shit. And I'm like, this seems like the worst fucking idea I've ever heard. People are going to be like, can I have? People are going to be like, me? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so all my early reviews are so embarrassing. You know, they're just like beauty bar or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And so all my early reviews are so embarrassing. You know, they're just like Beauty Bar or whatever. Like it's great to dance there. Dance the night away at Beauty Bar, five stars. That's so fucking funny. So I deleted my account. Like someone very high up at Yelp was like, hey, you can't, if you delete your account,

like all these first reviews go away for all these like pretty major bill. And I was like, I don't give a fuck. Yeah, who cares? This is horrible. Yeah. Well, can I have 1% of the company? You're like, okay, I won't delete them. Give me $500,000. Yeah. Yeah. On a platform that is just for people to insult me while I'm waiting tables. I used to love getting bad reviews that I knew were about me though. I'll tell people my name. Amy, no, Amy. You should have given them a fake name

when you were being a bitch to just track it. When you thought you were being nice versus when you were being a bitch, that would have been fun to see. Like, how do people perceive me? Well, yeah, I mean, the bitchiness was relative. The worst yelp review I ever got is because there was like six college kids that had like

a $25 bill and they wanted to split it on six cards. And I go, you know what? I'll take care of it. Wow. I got no charge, leave whatever. I'm just not doing this. I'm not running six cards through this BOS. That's fucking nuts.

And they gave me a one-star Yelp review and said Amy was very rude. And I'm like, I literally comped with their man. Sounds like San Francisco to me. Sounds like some fucking shitty rich college kids. Are you ready to optimize your nutrition this year? Factor has chef-made gourmet meals that make eating well easy. We're on the road. We had Benny Butchik's, the consigliere of Stavy Baby Enterprises. We were feasting on factor meals. We need things that are easy to munch on.

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plus free shipping. That's code factorpodcast at factormeals.com slash factorpodcast to get 50% off plus free shipping on your first box. Well this is that's fascinating. You clearly have a wealth of knowledge, Amy. You have a lot to tell the people. So true.

You've had a hilarious, I mean a fucked up childhood, but you have a good sense of humor about it. Sad. And we have, hopefully we can help others. And man, this is so small, Eldis. I can't see dick. We can maybe maximize it or some shit or make it bigger, whatever the fuck. You don't know how to click the fucking window.

You know what the fuck I'm saying. I can't even come close to reading that. I know, it's not even a sort of a possibility. There you go. the fuck I'm saying. I can't even come close to reading that. I know, it's not even sort of a possibility. There you are. There we go. So close, Elvis. There you go, buddy. Okay, play the fucking call.

Control plus. Okay. Now play it. What the fuck? Hey, Stavi. I have a situation I'd like your take on. Sure. A calling from Canada, by the way. I'm 30-year-old woman.

My long-term boyfriend, we've been together for eight years. He's 32. He had a childhood best friend that he essentially outgrew and cut off about five years ago. There's a lot of reasons why, but the straw that broke the camel's back was that essentially the scumbag of a guy

tried to extort my boyfriend for new pictures of me My boyfriend's ex-girlfriend There was so much more than that Pick up your time There was so much more than that More than that? I won't take up your time Essentially this person now started working out at our gym

Oh no And has reached out to reconnect with my boyfriend and his former best friend And my boyfriend seems to be kind of entertaining the idea of reintroducing this guy back into our lives That's nice And I just don't know how to feel about it I don't feel like it's my place. No, you do. Because I'm who you can and cannot be friends with. But this guy just makes me super uncomfortable.

Are you fucking kidding? And I really dislike him. So I'm curious what you think I have sort of the authority to dictate here around their friendship. What? Any thoughts? I'd appreciate. Thank you.

Bye. What the fuck? But it's your nudes. I know it'd be one thing if he was a complete dick to your boyfriend, right? If he did something like, whatever, stole money from him. And you're like, I don't think that person's good for you. Yeah, you could still say that, by the way. By the way, you've been here for eight fucking years.

Yeah, you could say whatever you want. This is his best friend. This isn't even a guy at work that he goes and gets beers with every four months This is a guy who was exiled from his life who who childhood friend, right? Huh childhood friend? Yeah who tried to fucking extort him to see you naked and another one of his ex-girlfriends Which by the way, you you guys have been together eight years. How fucking old is this ex girlfriend? He's trying to get pictures from like a girl who was like 20.

He's pulling nudes off a fucking Ericsson. Yeah. It's like, by the way, what's even the fucking megabytes on that? You're trying to get these fuzzy razor nudes. I don't even want those. That's a whole other thing, right? Those Blackberry cameras were terrible. This is fucking nuts.

I mean, you can obviously say- There's like a weird obsession going on that this guy has with his friend, maybe? Like, sort of weird fucking talented Mr. Rivley shit. Yeah, I don't, I actually don't really get why the friend would want to get, you're right, there's gotta be something weird going on here. I mean, I guess, again, we've been childhood's best friends.

There's no world where either one of us tries to fucking extort each other for nudes of our ex-girlfriend. You haven't tried to get his wife's nudes? No, I have not. I really have not. What better time than now? Yeah, yeah.

Do you like having a job? If we wanna really understand this call, we have to exchange nudes. You know what? Not even your wife. An ex. Although, no, actually you can keep those. You got them already.

You know what? That's all you, Eldest, actually. But I don't even understand a world where he wants this person back in his life. Now I guess, the best thing I can chalk it up to is like insane immaturity or even just like not understanding how bad this must feel to his. Because he probably said no, obviously, right? I'm not surprised by him being, I mean, you know how dudes are, you guys will hang with a fucking demon

over like upsetting anybody or taking a stand. That is actually very true. You're like, he had my good friends are rapists, but I don't wanna have a talk with him about it, it's exhausting. No, no, that's a good point, and it's like, these are also like, this is also like potential digital sex crimes.

Yeah. Like, you know what I mean? It didn't ultimately happen. I guess the point, you're absolutely correct, but he also tried to extort him, right? Yes. So it's like, I know what you're talking about, where it's like, people will definitely turn a blind eye.

He's a good guy. But he's fucking chill to drink beers with. We played Little League together. That girl's a fucking bitch anyway! Don't fuck up the fantasy league. Come on, we gotta find another guy for the fantasy league? The ecosystem is so good! I also understand her need to be like,

hey, can I step in here? Because there is always that thing where you're like, I don't wanna be one of those nags, you know? Who's like, tellin' a guy who he can hang out with. But your instincts are correct. Like this is insane. And by the way, I get, I mean, I know you're saying about that.

I get that to being a worry for women, but it's like, you've been together eight years. Yeah, this is not new. And it's like, if, if he was somebody, here's where I would feel this way if I were her. If he was somebody that just didn't do anything wrong, but she had a bad feeling about, that's when I would be like,

I just am uncomfortable around this guy. I don't like him. And even then you could, because this is your partner of eight years and the thing they should want to do is make you comfortable around their friends. You could even then have a conversation like, hey, I just don't like this guy.

He fucking creeps me out. You hang out with him, but I don't want to go. You hang out with him, don't bring him around to any big functions. I don't want him to meet my fucking family. When I'm doing my nude photo shoots, I don't want him at the house. I don't want him there. Doing the lighting. I don't want him all of a sudden working.

Yeah, he's like, I don't want him being the gaffer. You could even have a conversation then because that's what a fucking relationship is about. You should be able to even go a little above what's acceptable if it really affects you emotionally. That's something I think people should have in a very open, trusting relationship. Like hey, I just am not feeling comfortable here. And you should be able to feel that way. And eight formative years too, because she's only 30.

So it's like, yeah, you've been with this dude like your whole 20s. Like, yeah, you can tell him. And so the next, and then the next, so that's like, that's where I understand what worrying about being an ag. You shouldn't be worrying about this at all. No, you're correct.

This is somebody who fucking committed a fuck, like he was legitimately trying to commit a sex crime with that involved you. It's not even like, it's literally you, he's trying to look at your, he's trying to like do a fucking Low-level form of assault to you by like looking at your private nudes You could be like get this guy the fuck out of here And I will take it a step further to say if you are if the person you are with does not understand that

You shouldn't be with not a good match. You shouldn't be with him. Yeah. And she said this is just one of many things he's done. I know. So I can't imagine what the other shit is. I mean, what the fuck are we talking about here? And I do think that's what it ultimately, like the subtext in this call is together eight years, formative years, like you said, people start thinking like, this has been my whole youth.

Yeah. I'm kind of locked in here. You can kind of hear that a little in her voice even. That's kind of the next worry of like, is this, if I start nagging now, or if this starts an argument, are we going to break up and then I'm left to fend for myself 30 years old, I haven't dated, that's a nightmare? Old, old, useless to society. Just a pool.

Wash. You should honestly go to a nightmare. Old, old, useless to society. Just a pool. Washed up. You should honestly go to a monastery. Nobody wants those nudes anymore. Unless you're keeping it tight. Well, let's see, you know, how much... What if the guy was specifically asking for her older nudes? No, from eight years ago, bro. No, no, not now.

When you first met. But like I get that like kind of like maybe it's not even being said out loud. Maybe she's not even letting herself think that. But I've also I know people who are in long term relationships in who they go from their 20s to 30s and they worry like if this collapses. Yeah. I'm fucked. And they. But here's the problem. That's fucking stupid.

Like again, at the end of the day, you don't wanna be, not only does there's so much time, even if there wasn't, even if you're fucking old as shit, you don't wanna be with people that don't respect your baseline desires and emotions. You know what I mean? Well, that's the thing is you've been together this long with someone and you trust them.

So then you question your own instincts because you're just like, wait, like, I think I'm saying something really reasonable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he disagrees. Like, I feel crazy. Totally, totally. But we're like best friends. Like, you should know that this is not okay.

You got it. You got to talk to him. And you also got to like feel empowered to bring stuff that, that really upsets you up to your fucking boyfriend. Yeah. Hopefully it seems like. It's the minimum. The absolute minimum, the absolute minimum.

So good luck. What else we got, big LD? Hi, Savvy, LDIS and guests, big fan. I called yesterday, but I'm gonna try and give some more explanation and be a bit more concise. I'll try and be quick. I'm a 32 year old guy in Michigan. I have a wife and kid, six months old. It's a new family, new to all this. I have had self-esteem issues my entire life. I have kind of always hated the way I look. I don't, I say that, I know people have told me,

I'm not Brad Pitt. But I'm not an unattractive person. I run, I stay in shape. I generally eat healthy, my normal meals. This is the issue. I fucking hate myself. Oh no, buddy. Hate myself, I hate how I look.

There's nothing I can do about it, but I, and my wife doesn't know this. And I, when she's not around, I'll go to the store and I'll spend a ton of money on junk food and I'll just fucking binge eat like crazy. Sounds like, sounds like, wait, wait, what's the problem? Cats away.

You hate yourself and when you're sad sad you eat a lot of junk food? Listen, pal, yeah. That way your wife's out of town, you binge eat. You have a good ass time. Sounds like what I dream of. When I think of being married, I dream of these days automatically. Like that's part of it to me. But anyway.

He's telling this to two fat traveling comedians. You talking about Saturday before the early show? Sounds good. You talking about clearing out that little fucked up hotel gift shop with like Haagen-Dazs bars and Doritos paying

nine dollars for fucking two rice Krispy Krees? I'm crunching up chips on the cup of noodles. And if they have a little cheese in there. $9 for fucking two rice crispy My wife's out of town sometimes it's like, you know, it's just like a personal challenge see what kind of damage you can do Like whoa, could I really do this Could she notice see how I'm noticeably fatter in four and a half days? Okay, keep going here. Like crazy. Like, I'm talking big things, ice cream chips, all that stuff, like a ton. And because I run every day, even though I feel like

shit doing it after this happens. So because of that my weight's never really gone up. I've just kind of out, I've managed to outrun it which I'm sure is not healthy. The only thing you can really tell my skin isn't the best and it hasn't, you know, it's okay but that's the only real mark if there's an issue. But my self-esteem is clearly terrible. I went to a therapist. He told me literally I talk like someone

who was sexually assaulted as a kid because of the way I spoke about myself, my self-esteem issues. Hey, you sound like you've been touched. Yeah, what are you, some kind of freak that got fucked? As a kid? You just eat some fucking bonbons. Fucking man up. Just an awesome. As a kid, you just eat some fucking bonbons.

Fucking man up. Just an awesome. Terrible therapist. You went to some like Italian therapist. What do you get? You say you got your little dick sucked by a guy when you were four. It happens. You just eat a little extra lasagna.

Grow up. Hilarious. It's called having an uncle, kid. It happens to the best of us. You do curls until you don't fucking remember anymore. It must have been a handsome young boy. Yeah. Don't go, what are you going to ruin the guy's life? I've never heard of a therapist saying some shit like that.

That's crazy. Well, we also do have a pretty unreliable narrator who probably doesn't take anything charitably towards himself. Yeah, that's true. You know what I mean? But I'm sure he hinted at it. But anyway, let's see what else we got, Elders. Myself, myself, Steam issues. Kicker is my brother was actually assaulted as a kid. I don't think I was, but it was a family friend who assaulted my brother. And it's totally possible that I just don't remember it.

And I was that young because it happened to him when he was really young. I can't ask him about this stuff anymore because unfortunately he passed away with drug overdose. It just keeps getting messier. I'm not going to keep going, going, going. But long story short, how do I come clean to my wife? I've been doing this with food and And how do I stop hating myself? Thanks. Bye.

Ah, dude. I mean, look, this obviously this is difficult, but I will say this kind of piggybacks off our last call about being comfortable with your partner. And he clearly the self-esteem issues, he probably feels lucky, too lucky, you know, lucky to be with his wife, doesn't want to burden her, doesn't want to do anything. I will say if what you're confessing to your wife is,

I sometimes eat two Papa John's pizzas and then go on runs the next day. You know how much better that is than I'm fucking the babysitter? Like the things you could confess to your wife. This shit is not even a confession, dude. This is so in your own head. And I do think like, as much as we're kind of

fucking with you, I think it is kind of important for you to hear this because I know that I've definitely been where he is, where you hate yourself for different things. And the shit in your head, when you don't talk to somebody and it just bounces in your head, this insane echo chamber. It starts to feel true.

It starts to feel true and not only true, but like insurmountable when in the reality, this isn't that bad, dude, it really isn't. No, and I mean, I feel like even with the, I'm sorry about your brother, by the way, and that's so tragic. And whether you were abused or not as well and you just forgot it,

it sounds also like you're looking for like, why am I like this? Like some sort of easy answer. But it's, you know, some people are just depressive. It's literally your brain chemistry. It's like any other health issue you might have, you know? And you just like, you shouldn't be ashamed to get help or take medication for it.

Because it's like, yeah, brain chemistry will tell you a lot of fucking lies. I also want to say your wife probably knows about the snacks. Wives, no shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. You're never going to hide it as well as you think you are. But I'm sure that because she knows you well and she knows he's like struggles with self-esteem, she probably doesn't want to call him out.

Like, hey, you shredded fuck. What were you eating today while I was gone? Why are your tank tops, why is the sweat in your tank tops orange and smell like hot Cheetos? Why is there chocolate on your abs? Yeah, I mean, dude, that's the thing. It's like, and what you're saying is you're looking for a clean, like, why am I like this thing?

The other thing I'll say is it doesn't really fucking matter why you're like, like I think about, you know, clearly you have an eating disorder. That's like the most clear thing of all. Right. I know what that's, I literally just have an eating disorder. Like I didn't think I had an eating disorder. I'm like, eating disorder, that's like, you know, girls, girls throw up. And do you know what I mean?

Like, and then I just like would hit it off. Like I did so many girls with eating disorders when I was younger and it was like, it was a yin and yang thing where we were like just the opposite ends of the like food spectrum. And like, I think at the end of the day, it doesn't matter why this is something, you know, you have an affinity towards binging, whatever.

And it's just about like, how do I get control of it? Yeah, and you're seeking comfort. You're seeking comfort. And it could be anything. You could be doing drugs, you could be drinking, you could be jerking off too much. But it's, you know, if you're sort of main feeling that you have a lot of the time, it sounds like a shame. Like that's just going to come up until you just tackle that.

Yeah. And it's really hard. It's super hard. And it's also like, it's also you have to... And the other thing I'll say is like, it's not of all the addictions. Legitimately, dude, you kind of have the best one. Food is not that bad, but also you work out. And so we have two different things.

You have like the hating yourself thing and the eating disorder thing. And it's like, maybe just try and take some fucking steps towards the eating disorder stuff. Maybe you didn't like that therapist. I would say don't give up because therapists are just fucking people. And maybe you didn't click with one. And, you know, it took me a while to find a couple of good ones. You know, I had, I had one I liked in Baltimore and it was tough finding one in New York, but I found one and it helps. It works for me. And maybe and you need to go in there with like these, you know, you're in there with these special problems. You're not just yapping about whatever. You have shit you want to deal with.

Self-esteem is a hard one, dude. Like it really is. I mean, you're not going to really hear it, but you're doing great. Sounds like you're a fucking good father and husband. You just kind of take all this stuff inward. And look, dude, maybe you are annoyed at stuff about your life. Like this is also classic. The other thing, maybe you don't feel you're the kind of person who can't speak up. So you turn it all inward.

I know that feeling. I definitely dealt with that for years with therapy about just speaking up. And I would not say things, I would not discuss things that bothered me. And then I would turn it inward. And that was like a whole thing. And knowing that people that love you want to hear that. Yeah. And it's less isolating if you talk to friends, family, and of course, a therapist.

But it's like you're not a burden on her if you talk to her about this. Like, she loves you, she's with you. Yeah, exactly. So like, just, you're just gonna have to have that conversation. My hunch is it's not gonna, she's gonna like totally accept it and see what she can do to help you. On your own end, yeah, I would say keep trying to go to therapy, maybe specifically for an eating disorder, just get really granular and maybe that opens up your greater self-esteem

problems. But like, yeah, dude, it will feel good. And I will also say I have never had a conversation that I've dreaded. I've never had it and then not felt better. And then, yeah, and then regretted it. Yeah. Right. It's always been, holy fuck, I feel not only better. And then, yeah, and then regretted it, right? It's always been, holy fuck, I feel not only better about the issue, I feel better as a person. It feels like leveling up as a human being.

I feel like more of an adult. I've had those with people in my, I mean, with my family specifically, and in relationships too. So keep it going, you'll be fine. And I promise you, I have eaten twice what you eat in your worst day, and I didn't even consider exercising for weeks afterwards.

And didn't feel bad about it. Not for a second. I felt only bad about it when I was on the toilet. I was like, ah, why did I go spicy? Why? Why did I get the extra hot wings if I had just gone parm garlic? The damage on my whole would be much less. So yeah, I'm like, send me your workout plan, buddy. Like I'm wondering exactly how long, how long I need to run to offset $45 of says one food.

I want to spend time with this guy and we're going to see what he eats and we're going to be so sad. I'm like mentor me, dude Good luck buddy Folks this episode of stop is rolled is brought to you by booking comm booking dot. Yeah We're out here on the road. Look at us. We're in the back of the tour bus, but I don't want to be in the bus every night on the road, look at us, we're in the back of the tour bus. But I don't want to be in the bus every night, okay? I'm here with Eldiz, we have our health czar George, we have Saxon, our cameraman, we have JP McDade.

That's a lot of beef in one bus. Every once in a while, the boys want to get off, find a nice hotel room, a nice stay. What do we use to do that? Booking.com. Just last week in Seattle, I was tired of these guys. I found myself an awesome hotel room right downtown, right near our hotel, or right near our theater,

I'm sorry, found a great hotel, luxurious, great price. No matter what you're looking to do, if you're looking to stay anywhere you're trying to stay in the US, I know Booking.com will have exactly what you're looking for. You know, no matter who you are, you don't have to just be, you know, you don't have to be out, out, out, traversing America with your friends doing stand-up comedy.

You could just want a little weekend getaway. Maybe hit the beach. Maybe get in the mountain, get a cabin in the mountains. Whatever it is, Booking.com has it for you. Find exactly what you're booking for on booking.com, booking.yeah. I fucked up the first call. I'm doing this again. No worries.

But for context, I lived in the south my whole life and I was pretty slut shamed for literally no fucking reason. I just had big tits and people were like, you're a whore. And so now I live in a big city and I don't really know. I've been in a relationship for about four years and I were opening up a relationship

and I really wanna fuck these two people and I don't know which one I want to fuck. Cause it's kind of a one-pass trial run type situation. Pause this. Pause it. Awesome. What is this? Two siblings?

I want to say love seeing women act. Female dirtbags, one of my favorite genres. Big titted dirtbags? Big titted female dirtbags? Oh, brother. I'm getting hot around the collar. But I love seeing women behave like decay dudes traditionally do. And I also like when guys kind of get a little cunty

and be like gossipy and drama filled. Love when we switch roles folks. We should all be able to do the stereotypes of the other. Yeah, just live your whole life in the big city. We're opening it up. all be able to do the stereotypes of the other. But yeah, this is so funny. Yeah, just live your whole life in the big city. The like, we're opening it up. I get a one-time pass to fuck someone, I really wanna make it worth my while.

Oh, that's, okay. That's what this is. I thought she was saying there are two people she wants to fuck, but she has to choose one. Like, I thought they're like siblings or something. Well, she has, so from what I can gather. She gets one hall pass. She gets a hole. So it's not opening up. I think it's a trial period. I think it's a trial run just

to give it a go and see. Trial run to see how it goes, which I am incredibly dubious of the relationship working with a situation like this, but we'll save that for the rest of the call. Let's keep going. I just wanted to shout her out for this line of thought. Past trial run type situation. So the first person is this guy that I met at this summer conference thing. And he is insanely talented and I really admire him. And I've been admiring him for years. And when we met, we were both super drunk

and we were being flirty and he's being touchy and I didn't dislike it, but he's also like, I'm pretty sure in his late 30s and I'm 22. So I don't really know if this is just me falling for, like my daddy or she was telling me that my talent, this guy's talent is why I want to fuck him. I don't know. What's wrong with that? But...

Pause this? That's all we have. I just want to really quickly, we're going to definitely finish this call. I just want to pause in here and say, if you're a hot girl in your 20s with big tits and you're thinking, there's a talented guy in his 30s who reminds me of a father type guy. Maybe he's older, maybe, I don't know,

balding, a little extra pounds. Just speaking kind of in complete theoretical territory here, don't worry about it. No, you're not going to insult him. I promise you he is not going to feel insulted. And also maybe it is your daddy issues thing, but you know what? Let's not. We've all got him. Now's the time to figure him out.

You're in the big city with your big titties. And you like it. Anyway, so again, this is not this has nothing to do with this particular call, just more of a general note for hot women in their 20s everywhere. You're not gonna hurt his feelings, fucking him for his talent. And I don't think it'll hurt you either.

Let's keep going. But the other person is this girl, this Greek girl. This call keeps getting awesome and awesomer. She's like my best friend at the moment. I want to fuck her so bad. Oh, yeah. And she's super 40 with me.

We pretend to kiss all the time. Pretend. In situations when we kiss a little, whatever. And we're going abroad for college. And I'm like, this is my time. If I'm gonna fuck her, it should be in fucking Greece. And we visit her cousin. Okay, did somebody AI generate a call to make my dick hard?

He's rocked on rock. You gotta say, a 22 year old with huge tits and the two people she wants to fuck is her hot will they won't they Greek friend Talented guy that doesn't really do it for her, but it's just am I just respecting him It's not really physical like I mean come what's going on here We're describing like if I were to imagine a threesome I want to have it's this setup. But anyway, this is really feels targeted at me.

I do feel like you jerk off to your imagination level. Oh, I like to get into it. Absolutely. I love to get a nice scenario going. Oh, anyway, sorry. I'm going to keep it together. And yeah, I don't know. I need your help.

I want to get her to be my friend. But I also wanted to sit on my face and I feel like I can't have both. Thank you so much. Well, no, I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be I need your help. I want to keep her to be my friend But I also wanted to sit on my face and I feel like I can have both Thank you, Bobby. I mean, this is funny. This is also like you're fucking 22. Just fuck whoever you want.

Like this is the whole... I know, that relationship's not gonna last. You might as well just fuck around right now. Like here's what I will say is like, yeah, you're 22. Clearly, by the way, of all the people, we haven't discussed who the guy, the person, I don't know if it was a woman or a woman, that she's in this relationship. How long did she say the relationship was?

Four years? Did she say? Scroll up, you fucking idiot. What do you mean you don't know? Yeah, it's fucking right there, dickhead. God, you're so bad. I don't know, I'm toggling between two screens at once, man. Oh, fuck.

You're momentarily producing. I'm sorry to make you do that. He seems stressed. Leave him alone. So, okay, let's do a little more math here. Relationship for four years. She's 22. Yeah, and that's high school.

This is over. I know. I hate to just be this, to, this is over. I know. I hate to just be this, to get this much into brass tacks. If you're going to open it up or give a hall pass or whatever, like you should get one pass for each gender. That's a great point. She shouldn't have to choose.

By visibility day. Yes, thank you. Although then you could argue they get more rights, I don't know. Anyway, you could almost argue that's biphobic. We could put it through its paces later, that argument. But, so from what I'm hearing here, you're young, you were in a repressive environment, you meet people that you wanna fuck.

I honestly think you should just fuck whoever you wanna fuck right now. Yeah, you're going abroad, you're gonna be in Greece. She's not the only face you're gonna wanna sit on. Sure, sure. But I also think of the- Somebody's gonna combine your interests and old Greek daddy.

Yeah, that's actually a really good point. Likes. Now that we're talking about this. To be sad upon. On the beach. No, you're right. You should fuse this into two people. The older guy that you respect is talent.

No, but honestly, from the description here, it seems like she's kind of in love with her friend. Yeah, I think so. Of the people you've described, what I would do, I mean, I think you clearly want to hook up with her. Maybe it's a bad idea. I don't know. I also feel like young queer people kind of fuck each other and stay friends. I've definitely been down this road.

It was tricky to navigate because if it's your best friend, then I'm like, do I just have a girlfriend? Yeah. I mean, we live together, fuck each other, and we're best friends. That seems like I have a girlfriend. Yes. But we didn't speak that out loud until much later. Totally, I mean that's exactly,

you kind of like fall into that situation. Yeah. And that also happens by the way in your early 20s. Yes. You meet, and she's also, she's kind of my best friend now, which means she probably just kind of met her. This isn't like a long term thing. Yeah, six months ago.

What you mean is you meet, you met someone that you're kind of enamored with, you think they're hot, and you're what, you're holding onto a relationship from freshman year of college? But also with the guy, the older guy, she said when they were touchy and flirting, she said, I didn't dislike it.

That doesn't seem very horny to me. Yeah, I mean, but she has some weird horny, like I agree with you. Of the two, it seems clear to me you actually really wanna fuck your friend. But I would also say, like, truly doing the bit about me trying to fuck this girl, let's throw that out of it.

Like, I'm not doing this bit anymore. You're young and you said you came from a repressed environment, it's like, you can also just try some shit out. Yeah, for sure. Maybe fuck a guy like that and if you don't like it, you didn't like it, or if you liked it, oh, this is something I want to explore. Like, that's what youth, that's what your youth is for.

And if you're in a moment where you're like, what if I explore these things and I lose my relationship? Then you're kind of ready to lose it anyway. For sure. Or it'll work out again later if it was meant to be. And like, you know, the guys chill about it. But I just really want to know what his talent is. Cause what if he's like a juggler? Yeah.

He's a magician. Yeah, he's so good at darts. I met this 39 year old father of two. He's a pool shark. Just fucking, what's up babe? But yeah, if I had to pick one, it sounds like you actually love your friend and like want to date her. I would probably fuck her over the two, but I think you should be out there exploring at this age. Good luck little buddy.

Hey, Stavi. I literally only ever listen to your podcast or your show when my boyfriend puts it on, but turns out it's really funny and I love it. So thank you for putting out great content. Love the advice column aspect. Anyway, I live in a city in the Northeast, a big city that is not New York City. But I have three friends who have spent a considerable amount of time living in New York. They no longer live there, but I have two friends from New York City and one who has

lived there for like seven years. They all now live in the same city as me. I love these friends. We have a lot of stuff in common, we always have a great time when we go out. However, inevitably when we hang out in a group, the conversation always comes back to living in New York City, an experience I cannot relate to myself

having never done it. Sorry babe. That's how they are. You're going with the winning team bitch. Not my fault you never fucking reached your I'm with the winning team, bitch. Not my fault you never fucking reached your potential living in the greatest city in America. Sorry you don't like to struggle for eight years. To myself, having never done it, and I just kind of have to sit there.

Oh, remember when the G train was shut down that summer? Oh, we had to take the fucking shuttle bus to Courses Square. That's not the real Ray's slice. You don't know what that's like, bitch. God, literally us and fucking me and you and Baltimore and fucking me and you and when you live in Ohio and 30 years eldest

and your children like we get it, Dad. As they all reminisce and talk about living there and food and the problems and transportation, etc. while I can contribute nothing and just kind of have to endure this experience. She sounds so tired. I guess my question is, should I say something about this? Should I bring anything up? This is so funny. The fact that I feel like I'm like totally omitted from this part of the conversation or should I just like shut the fuck up and suffer in silence? Good luck to you. Your thoughts.

This is so fucking funny. I never even I mean, I didn't think about how fucking obnoxious that was. Like, this is the problem is that I'm trying to think what like, you know, it's so funny. I think literally all our friends lived in here like who wouldn't we be hanging out with where we would be doing this without them? I mean, give us your as a non New York, as a non-New Yorker, yes. I live there at some point.

How long did you live there? Not that long, like in 2012. Okay, yes. Oh yeah, that's because I think that must have been when we... No. But I spent a lot of time there. No, we met when you were visiting because I moved in 2014. Yeah. Yeah. Because I met you I moved in 2014. Yeah.

Yeah. Because I met you in Portland, maybe. Probably. Well, I don't... I mean, it sounds to me like you got to move to New York. Yeah, you got to go do six months, have something to talk about. The sandwiches, the parks. Yep, yep.

I mean, there's people up all hours. It's great. Well, no, she missed the boat. Because what this is, is her friends are desperately trying to cling to their youth. Like, I know this. And here's the thing. Actually, I don't relate.

Because me and Eldis, we made it in New York, baby. We're not your fucking loser friends that had to move back to your hometown. This is that kind of fucking behavior of still trying to cling on to the fact that you're better than your hometown friends. Cause you live, cause I remember being,

I mean, remember when you're 20, I don't know if you had this experience but on the East coast, especially in like Baltimore, or like, you know, these like kind of East coast mid Atlantic cities, it was like just moving to New York, knowing someone who lived in New York, you're like, whoa. Oh, I know. They lived in New York. I really also would come. Oh, I know. They lived in New York.

I really also would come back to Baltimore with a Bed-Stuy address just to get pussy. He was like, finally now I'm respected in this town because I live in Brooklyn. So those people still trying to kind of cash in on those credentials. And it's like, I mean, they just happen to be there when they're young, people are nostalgic for their youth.

And it's like this, they're just like still trying to cling onto the magic of that. I feel bad because I'm not able to give very constructive advice here. Because I just totally get where these people are coming from. Yeah, they're annoying, but we've all done it. They're annoying, but it's like, if I flamed out

and I was living in Baltimore, do you know how much I would talk about? Yeah, I we've all done it. They're annoying, but it's like, if I flamed out and I was living in Baltimore, do you know how much I would talk about, yeah, I was just, oh man, getting a slice and David Tell smoking behind me. My friend fucked a Raven once. I didn't know her at the time, but it felt good. New York's crazy. New York's just such a hell of a town. Anything's possible.

I wanted a family though. You're making up the reason you left, even though the reason is you couldn't fucking hack it. But yeah, I'm trying to imagine if we were having one of these conversations and one of our friends was like, hey guys, can we talk about something else? Anything else?

We'd be like, shut the fuck up, you fucking loser. But that's also dudes compared to like a group of four women. I don't know if they would, do you think you would openly bully a friend like that if she was mad about New York? I have a hard time understanding why she cares so much about it.

I mean, you can just literally go and leave the room. Jealousy, baby. Jealousy. Never live there, don't get it. Never had a chopped cheese at 4 a.m. Never had a fucking cheese at 4am. Never went to a freaking bodega. You don't even know what it's like.

You know how you go to Rite Aid? Well imagine a smaller shittier Rite Aid with a cat inside of it that sells bad sandwiches. And a kid making a sandwich who's never not on the phone with somebody. You've never bought condoms from a 13-year-old Yemeni on FaceTime? You don't know what live is like, bitch. It's true, it feels true. I don't want to be not on her side.

Wow, she called in and it's just getting the same. She called in for sympathy and we're like, yeah, let's do some of that. Let's do the things she's annoyed at. Remember when we lived together out there and we fucking all had a small, oh, that Ikea couch. You get a $40 obstructed view ticket to see rent on a Wednesday afternoon. Big poll right in front of you.

Yeah, I don't know, I mean, what can you do? Can you switch it to something annoying? But it's like, you're outmanned here. You're fucked. You don't understand how obnoxious the love for New York is for people to move there. You really, and you miss the boat and all you gotta do is sit there and fucking take it, baby.

I don't even know what to tell you. And that boats the Staten Island ferry. Yeah, yeah. So they live, they're all in the Northeast, but I mean, if you ever got, if you ever get mad, you should be like, well why are you guys here then? Why are you back if it's so fucking great? Yeah, yeah, exactly.

And nobody went that far, you know? When you grow up on the West Coast, like New York is always like this fantasy, you're like, oh one day I'll live in New York, you know? And it seems like so unattainable, but it's like you went from Philly to New York. It still feels, I mean, maybe being poor in Baltimore is different. I truly felt like it was like a fantasy place.

Yeah. Like New York, like it just does have that myth. I just think it does have that quality for a lot of people. It's magical. Oh, and the Christmas lights this time of year. Mitch, you're wrong. So yeah, I'm sorry. It's magical. Oh, and the Christmas lights this time of year. Mitch, you're wrong. So, yeah, I'm sorry. It's great. It rips.

Sorry you fucking did the sensible thing. You probably own a house now. They're probably fucked. But hey, that's what you get, actually, is the whatever sensible decision you made. You put down roots in a place that was more supportive for you. You probably get to experience things they don't. sensible decision you made, you put down roots in a place that was more supportive for you. You probably get to experience things they don't. Now, if you're a trainer, if you're a trainer in your hometown, maybe that's really what this is about. Because you choose either sticking around and like sort of, you know, not sustainability,

but like support, like a nice support system, or you move out, you have your wild either New York or whatever, you take a risk. You didn't take the risk. Hopefully that paid dividends for you. And if it didn't, that's what you're really mad about. You're not mad. You never went to... It's not too late, by the way. Yeah. Yeah, it probably is though.

Get down there. No, no, it's over. There's nothing more pathetic than a 36 year old being like, I'm doing it, baby.burg, here I come. And it's like, there's an Apple store there. It's like, what do you fight? You just watch the girls as a 36 year old and you're like, I'm making the big move. It's like, give me a pickle back. It's over man. That's when you move to like a cool smaller city. Yeah, get a farm, you know, you have to do, there's other cool risks to take in your thirties. You can't be moving to Crown Heights. You can't have three roommates in Bushwick and saying it's East Williamsburg actually, when you're 37. You can't be sharing a bathroom with the fucking 22 year old they them as a fucking 37 year old man

who's trying a new haircut out. That's over. All our neighbors are Hasidic. It's so great. They love that we're here. Yeah dude, sorry. But you got really nothing out of that. I feel bad.

But I got to reminisce for a little bit about how awesome New York is. How awesome New York is. My youth. It's awesome. Yeah, it must really be obnoxious to people, but whatever, suck my dick. Can't help that I'm a dreamer. Hello, Stav, and hello, eldest and guests. I hope everyone is doing well.

First time, long time. So one of my best friends is planning on moving to the same city as me and wants to be roommates. I don't know if that would be the best idea. So she is a woman, but she's full lesbian and I'm a straight guy. Not anything there. She's the full lesbian and I'm a straight guy. Full lesbian. Not anything there. She's fully lesbian. She's ripe with it. Anyway, she's a homie and I love her to death. I just don't think we're compatible as roommates at all.

And I know this after having spent weekends together out of town, her having stayed at my place before. She's a very go, go, go all the time type person. Always needs to be around people. She's got projects to do. I'm the opposite. I like to have a good time, but I enjoy it. It's my own space and just my own, just quiet time alone.

And when she has stayed at my place, like we clashed over little things, like whether to have the AC on versus the windows or like what time we wake up. She's a time morning person, she is not by any means. A roommate. So she's just sort of like kind of like stubborn about having things her way, even when she's staying at another person's place.

That's insane. And just in general, she's kind of like that. And I don't think it's like a selfishness thing. I think she just lacks that social awareness to where if we were living together... Or she can advocate for herself. She's not a coward like you. Just like sleep in. Keep going, sorry. We're also in a band together. A band that's doing fairly well. Not only are we best friends, but we're almost like co-workers in a way too, being in a band. You have responsibilities that you share together. I think we'd clash a lot.

At the end of the day, she is one of my best friends in the whole world. I love her. I just don't want our relationship to spoil. I've always heard never to live with a best friend because you might ruin the friendship. And I am just taking that for the first time and trying to feel out, you know, what that might be like. And I kind of don't think it would be the best idea. But thanks for any advice, my friend. Thank you. You fat rascal. All right.

You got it, buddy. I mean, yeah, this is such an open my friend. Thank you, you fat rascal. All right. You got it, buddy. I mean, yeah, this is such an open and shut. This almost feels like he just called in so that he could show her this call. But I mean, it's so clear. Or he doesn't know how to say it, but you just have to say it.

I mean, just say you don't think it'd be a good idea. It's too much to work with someone, collaborate creatively. Oh my god, too many things. I mean, some other stuff I don't really get. Like, I don't know why you care when she wakes up when she's visiting you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, that's fucking bizarre.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've had breakfast ready for hours. But she was out lesbian-ing all night. Is he the morning person? No, she's the morning person, she's not, right? Yeah, yeah. So yeah, I mean, I guess it is kind of annoying. She likes to party.

If someone's on your couch, and they've just been sleeping till noon, and you're like, all right, can I fucking, can I make some noise? I get that being a little annoying, whatever, but like, at the end of the day, yes, they're roommates, and I always think it's probably more of a personality clash. This guy seems more reserved.

She's, like, I kind of know who this girl is already, where she's like, oh, actually, we're gonna need to be 66 degrees in here, you know what I mean? Like where she's like, oh, actually we're going to need to be 66 degrees in here. You know what I mean? Like she's definitely like telling him what to do. And like, I've, you know, that's, if he, he seems the kind of guy who's gonna not say shit. Here's what I think he really wants to avoid.

Her steamrolling him and him being resentful. Or her being mad when he says it's not a good idea. Sure, sure. Either way. Which I wonder how she treats everybody in the band if she's like pushy in the band. Yeah, maybe she's pushy in the band. But I think you're right, Amy, in that he can say,

look, you're my best friend. We're bros. We're in a band. That's two out of three. We need a little space from each other. And it's no like I even want to hang out with you, but it's just like. I don't, you know, this just isn't it's too much. And I think you're totally fine. I don't want it to be a strain on our friendship.

Like if like we moved in together and whatever we we didn't even give a fuck. But it's like the reason I think our when we moved in with another friend of ours and just a random comic, not a random comic, comic I knew, I think our when we moved in with another friend of ours and just a random comic not a random comic comic I knew I think it worked because We ruined our friends life And she didn't say anything and then every three months She would have a mental breakdown and we would just like put our heads down and like dutifully clean We would deep clean the apartment. She would start crying

She would come home from like a hard... Her, the only person with a real hard job. I was an aspiring comedian. I was an open mic'er in New York. Hey, excuse you. I'm sorry, you worked at CBS Local. Yeah. The affiliate. You were doing listicles after the CMAs that no one was fucking reading. And another guy was a comic and she just had a demanding job. And she just come back, mess, rappers everywhere, were fucking high as shit playing fucking PlayStation. We're like, what's up? And she's just like, you haven't done a fucking dish in like,

and we're like, oh, oh, just high being like, are we so sorry. Some people aren't meant to have roommates. I'm not going to have any roommates because I'm her, I'm the full lesbian, you know what I mean? I'll try to control the situation. And because that's like your haven, you know, home is like, you want it to be how you want it.

Of course. If you can't, you know, if you're not compatible with other people, then it just doesn't. You just have to know that about you. She needs to get her own little lesbian path. Get her out with other people, then it just doesn't, you just have to know that about yours. She needs to get her own little lesbian patch. Get her own little, yeah. Stay up as late as she wants. Stay up all night.

Stay up as late as she wants. Stay up all night. Sitting on faces. Yeah, absolutely. Sounds good. Sounds good to me. Going to Greece. No, no, that's the other one.

That's the big titted one. Let's not, you know, let's not forget, you know, let's not mix up our queer women on this show. Only the big titted queers matter. No, no, the other ones do too. All right. I mean, as much, I don't know, but they matter. There's a ranking system.

Thank you, Starros. My personal, not that my ranking system matters. Yeah, and also it doesn't sound like you guys are in your early 20s. That would be a trickier conversation. It's like, this is just adulthood. If she argues it and is like, you're being unreasonable, or, you know, we really should live together,

it's just like, it's too bad. Because we've all seen this play out. Once you're at a certain age, you're like, this has never worked well. Yeah, you should be like, no. You should be like, it seems like you'll be fine. You just have to talk to her about it. But if all you're, this is the rare time

where someone has their mind made up and they're looking for us to agree with them. It's usually like, can I cheat on my wife? It's never like, can I have a reasonable adult conversation with my friend? About boundaries. Yes you can, buddy. I feel like he does sound like a little more

of a pussy than her and like. Definitely. It's like, on the best friend thing alone, it's like, yeah, if you and your best friend are moving to the same city, it would make sense to like move in together but If he wants to go like the super safe route like the band thing is the perfect coverage cuz definitely we work together And we work together if you can't do any of it cuz you're too scared just lie Yeah, you found somebody already. Yes, or my landlord hates lesbians. Yeah, yeah. I'm homophobic now, but only from the hours of midnight

to 8 AM. So you can't sleep here. All right. Yeah, he's fine. A lot of these calls are just people not wanting to have a tough conversation. That's honestly 90% of them. That's what 90% of them boiled down to. I forget that everyone's like a huge pussy.

I've forgotten my whole life. That's why people treat me weird. It's true. You had to fucking climb yourself out of that white trash muck. Did you tell kids there was no Santa? I'm just like, stop crying, you little pussy. Some conversations are hard. Hey, this is LD.

Hey, Stav. Hey, Aldis, esteemed guest. Thank you. So I'm currently in high school, I'm 17, and I go to this church and there's this really bad bit. She's like one of the fattest asses I've ever seen. Praise God, praise the Lord. Anyways, she sings in the choir and I have a friend in the choir that like,

they sometimes talk and she thought I was like, she thought I was fine and shit. So we started DMing. Turns out she's 21 or about to be 21 this month. And I told her I turned 18 soon and I'm trying to get in that. But our parents know each other, which I didn't know because everyone in the church is kind of like

interconnected in a weird way. Oh dude, did you know that if you go to the same church, your parents know each other? What a fucking dumb, young dumbass. He's just so horny. Like that didn't occur to you. That's what being a community is. He's like explaining it like we've never heard of that.

Our dads are both deacons and they're like friends. Did you know that? They said the church is kind of like interconnected in this weird way. It's called community. This guy's awesome. This is a cute little kid here. Yeah.

Kind of like interconnected in a weird way. So do I go for it or do I leave it? And some more context, that ass is definitely worse than awkward conversations. Nice. I don't know if it's morally wrong. Morally wrong? Maybe I'm a victim, but she's so fun. Maybe you're a victim. You're not a victim. Cause he's 17 these days. Yeah, I get it, but come on. 17 and about to turn 18. A 20 year old with a fat ass. What are we talking about here? I don't know what state you're in. I would wait till your birthday I mean, I would... A 20-year-old with a fat ass. I mean, what are we talking about here? I mean, I would...

I don't know what state you're in. I would wait till your birthday, probably. Yeah. I don't know what the awkward conversation is, like, with their parents. Who gives a fuck, dude? Nobody has to talk to their parents about this. Who cares? I mean, I guess if they start dating...

Hey, Dad. I don't know if you've noticed this girl in the choir with the fat ass. Dad, do you know how big this girl's cheeks are? She's a little older than me. Yeah. But I'm gonna wait till after my birthday to try to get in there. Well, he says she's about to turn 21,

he's about to turn 18. She's essentially two years older than him. That's literally nothing. It's still illegal in some places, but if your birthday's close, I guess you just... You should be able to, if you're a 17-year-old boy and you get a voucher and she's within, if she hasn't turned 22 yet.

You talk to all your parents about it ahead of time. Not even a parent, there should be an independent council that's like, yeah, okay, yeah. Yeah, no, it makes sense. Talk to the priest. Yeah, talk to the priest. He knows what's up. Oh, he gets, if anyone gets it, it's him.

Dude, get in there, who gives a fuck? I don't even, I mean, yeah, maybe wait till you're 18, but whatever. But also she's not like planting messages. I love, like this is what touches my heart. Like I love teenagers. Yeah, it's really cute. The thrill of that when you get word through another person

and someone thinks you're fine as fuck. Like that's like such a good feeling. She's putting that message out there on purpose because she wants you to know. And it sounds like you're really meant to be this beautiful Christian relationship. I mean, you already talked about turning 18. Yeah.

So there's been some vibes going around there. So yes, as soon as you fucking turn 18, ask her to marry you. Do it the Christian, yeah. don't have premarital sex, obviously, I mean that's clear. I think we can all agree about that. She sounds like she's probably a really good singer too. I don't know if it was the fat ass.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think she's good. She's probably an incredible singer. So yeah dude, don't worry about it little guy, get in there. That's good, Elvis, you got anything short and quick to take us out here? Amy, I think you want to plug, sorry we never, we didn't mention that. We'll put it in the- Oh yeah, sure. Where can people find you?

Well, I have a bunch of dates coming up. I don't know when this comes out. Just go to Amy Miller. It is January, it's not when it's coming out. We're recording it in January. It is January. Happy birthday mom. Happy birthday mom. Yeah, just it in January. It is January. Happy birthday, Mom. Happy birthday, Mom.

Yeah, just amymillercomedy.com. I have put all my dates up there. But follow me on Instagram, AmyMillerComedy. That's the only thing that matters in our business. That's the only thing that matters for the next... We have nothing else we need. For the next four months when it's some other thing. Yeah, follow Amy. She's very funny.

And, Eldis, I said something short and quick. I guess this counts. Go ahead. This is an update from a recent call. Great. Hello again. I called in about the Getting Married in Your 30s timeline and I was on my way home from work listening to the podcast because I do watch every single episode.

I am the fan. And no, this is not our waiting for our election. The Colin episode. Yeah, yeah. Yes, yes, yes. She called in and basically asked, how long should some how long should a couple in their 30s date before they need to start thinking about moving in getting married? And I accused her of using me as a way to prove it

to her idiot boyfriend who loves the podcast. I accused her of not being the fan, and I am sorry, and we are trying to get more women under the big tent of Stavi's world. Happy to help. So yes, sorry, but it would have been a funny scenario. But anyway, good, I'm glad. Let's get the results, although that was very funny.

Thank you. But I wanted to call back and say that the reason for the call was I was kind of back and forth with a girlfriend of mine, and I love the idea that you should wait and take your time to know that it's the right person. Good. And she's of the mind of no, no no, no, now, or, you know, f off. So I was like, all right, it's time to call in the stopper and get his advice.

You're not emotionally amateur. I don't believe. Anyway, no, I am a fan. I love this show. My answer is, another doesn't even that was unnecessary to say he doesn't want to. Anyway, this is getting quite long. But yeah, thanks for answering the question.

Have a good one. Bye guys. Okay, cool. So we I apologize for having a pretty gendered answer there and accusing you of wanting to get married to whatever. I guess not dumbass. That's not a fan of Stavi's world that you're dating. But yeah, I probably, we probably, me and you are lovely caller, probably on the same page of like,

wait to know what's right instead of being like having to hit certain milestones. Yeah. Well, who's this friend that's like, just do it now, do it right away. Probably somebody. She doesn't seem well. She's projecting. She's probably in a relationship that she's not happy with. And that's again, now I'm projecting. And so, but yes, that's a good update. I'm sorry I accused you of using me to force your dumb boyfriend into marrying you.

And we love that you're a fan. Keep calling. We're here to counsel you forever. That's going to do it for Stobbies World here with Amy, one of our Los Angeles edition episodes. And thanks for listening, guys. Thanks for being on the show. Thank you. This was so fun. And we will talk to you guys next time. Bye bye. I'm out.