Stavvy's World - #119 - Tim Dillon

Starting point is 00:00:00 Oh Fucking elders you piece of shit Welcome to Stavis world. They'll just screwed up the I guess we shouldn't curse right up top Well, we'll probably get demonetized because who knows what Tim's gonna say anyway, so it doesn't really show So I guess telling elders to go fuck himself doesn't matter as Tim I'll just go fuck himself doesn't matter as Tim Nakedly courts the levers of power as he tries to get invited to Epstein's Island 2.0 It'll be every like or G's would be a no

Starting point is 00:00:47 Even if we were so rich, yeah, that's the problem. Yeah, we were really rich. Yeah Yeah, be the guys who were like no we just borrowed the plane right right I'm on the flight logs. I went to Toledo They just were there I was they both, you know added their stats Love it. I think Tim Dillon here back in Astoria Where you know ten years ago both of us? Yeah, I'm still in the same apartment You know, I love it. Yeah, but you kicked everyone out. Everyone else is gone. Now I live with my podcast But this right the apartment that you know We split a lot of cabs from the stand. That's right

Starting point is 00:01:28 You lived like two blocks over from podcast now has become like a family for a lot Because what you just said, I live with my podcast, that's exactly how I feel, and how many people feel. Like these cameras that I'm looking at are the children. Yeah, absolutely. It's so funny. Absolutely, no, it is. Because it's like, you know, comics from whatever,

Starting point is 00:02:02 you know, the past, you'd have a TV show, and you'd have a bunch of writers writers and you'd see camera man every day. Yeah. Now with this you see like one dude. You'd feel like an emperor of a little kingdom. Everybody loves Raymond. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:02:15 There's a hundred people sucking on Raymond's dick. Yeah. I got eldest. Yeah. I see my friend. Right. I have to and then what happens is you have to order your friends around. That's right.

Starting point is 00:02:24 So now you don't even have a pure friendship anymore. They're your employee, and then you have to go like you have to schedule 1130 yeah, and you're doing there's nothing to do the whole day. Yeah, there's nothing to do the whole day Yeah, it's one. Yeah Yeah, 1131. How do we say how's that sound fellas? I know the scheduling is hilarious I have to that's most I do more scheduling I do actual talking on the microphone Yeah, just texting my friends. What do you think and I know none of us have really anything to do Communities have nothing to do or they weirdly have I have a 90 minute window for the next two months Yeah, and you're like alright. Whatever man. Let's just let's just fucking look. I don't give a fuck

Starting point is 00:03:10 We just got to get this we just got to produce 90 minutes of content for the YouTube channel. We got to feed the algorithm That's what it comes down. We got to feed the beast I do love that you're wearing sunglasses that like black China would wear that you're wearing sunglasses that like black china would wear that you're wearing like first of all i actually i'm a huge fan of black china's mother tokyo do you know Oh, man gives the money. Oh Shalana Hunter Tokyo Tony so the they've both got the charming gap in their tooth. Well, it's a family. Yeah Family it may not is it the ideal family that's for people. Yeah Tony will drive through downtown LA with money and go you want it, right?

Starting point is 00:04:01 You want it? Yeah, and then homeless people, many of them on drugs, will approach the car and she gives it to them and then yells at them about their decisions and stuff. That could be what I evolve into. Absolutely. I can see that. Like a charitable guy, but also with a lot of problems. You need to yell at someone. I got to yell at a homeless guy and then give him money.

Starting point is 00:04:24 Yeah. Yeah, cuz you need exactly Yeah, again circling back to how pod kids. It's like you don't even have a family anymore Yeah, you won't you don't have a you don't have a spoiled son, right? Treat that way. So you're supposed to have a fat wife. Yeah I'm supposed to live you resent closet it I was like you resent your daughter for being hot and getting cock. That's right Cuz you're jealous Just sexually

Starting point is 00:05:02 Thinking like weirdly religiously unfulfilled, frustrated, thinking like weirdly religiously. Weirdly religious, and then the next year, reject it all, this is like something that Irish Catholics do. Oh, interesting. It goes from like real theocratic fascism, to then the next year they go, there's nothing out there. Right, right.

Starting point is 00:05:18 There's nothing, and then the next year, you're religious again. Right, right. That should have been my life. But I sobered up, I came out of the closet, and I started a podcast, so my life oddly is much emptier. Yeah. It's actually terrible. I'm an honest person to a degree and it's kind of a terrible existence because there is such a, there's such a interesting to be in a web of lies. And, again, Pepitone has a great joke about it where he talks about like being in a web of lies so thick that one could just blow the whole house down.

Starting point is 00:05:50 Right, right, right. That is a way to live. Well, you're secure. That's right. The lies hold you in place. That's right. You know, there is something about society like unfulfilled social norms. Yes.

Starting point is 00:06:02 No one's happy, but they're just, they're moving forward. That's right. It's being like, it's're just, they're moving forward. That's right. It's being like, it's like being in a beehive. Yeah. You know what I mean? You've just, you're just in that little hole. You've got your little thing. Maybe the queen looks at you. She eats your gizz and beheads you

Starting point is 00:06:15 or whatever the fuck she does. There's also something about being a functioning alcoholic that I think is, provides a challenge to people. That's too much time in a day. There's way too much. You're just way too much. Now we have phones to put in the, you know, fill in the gaps, but back in the day,

Starting point is 00:06:34 you're hangover, getting drunk, you know what I mean? Like there was a delicate balance where you would, you know, all you need to do is get sober up enough, do three hours of work to keep your boss off your back. There's a great little part of Queens, New York called Rockaway Beach. Sure, I know about Rockaway Beach. Rockaway Beach has these little courts of Irish people where it's a court with bungalows. And they all spend the summers there so they don't have to drive.

Starting point is 00:06:58 Wow. Oh yeah. Rockaway Beach. They summer in Rockaway? It's called the life hack. You know what I mean? And so they can walk to the beach and then they can walk back to their bungalow and then they can walk to the bar and then they can walk to the deli and so on and so forth until

Starting point is 00:07:15 the end. Right, right, right. And I grew up, my uncle had a bungalow there and I grew up seeing that community and it is a very fun, genuine community but you can't do it sober. You can't do it sober. Imagine that. You can't do it sober, you have to be, because I went back there just a few months ago

Starting point is 00:07:34 to just say hello to some friends I hadn't seen in a very long time, and I was sober and I went, this isn't okay to be sober here. Like, it's... To see the Pampers wash up on the Brighton Beach shores. You know what I mean? Like, to see the disgusting waters you've been swimming in, it's horrible. I mean...

Starting point is 00:07:56 Because they come up to you, they just built a new hotel there. Oh, man. And they'll come up to you and they go, Have you seen the hotel? And they're all happy. And then you realize why Irish people never did anything yeah like the Jews and the Arabs they figured it out this is when we sure became cops no but they just didn't do anything because they go like this to

Starting point is 00:08:20 go they their eyes get big they go go, have you seen the hotel? Yeah. And I go, oh, but I mean, you've been in Manhattan, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's the Plaza Hotel. But their point is we can walk to the hotel and get intoxicated from our apps. Right, right, right. The parking's easier. The parking's easier.

Starting point is 00:08:37 It's a culture of convenience. It's a culture of convenience. And it's a culture of hanging out. If you think you're better than me. Sure. You think you're better than me? Yeah, yes. Yes, that's right.

Starting point is 00:08:46 If everything is a fight, if every moment is a competition, then you feel like a victor even if all you did was beat up your developmentally disabled cousin, that's a victory to you. That's correct. You count that. Whereas like, you know, other cultures might say,

Starting point is 00:09:04 why bother with this? Build a thing. Yeah, whereas like, you know other cultures might say why bother with it Yeah, go to school People the big thing with and I love them and I'm from there and that's why that's your stock I have a horrible, you know that horrible, you know life, but it's my fault. Yes. Yes You know what I mean? I mean, I've had a great life too, but also horrible But it's my fault like when Irish people go for rough night, you made it a rough night, right? Right, right. We did it Mm-hmm. And and we do it. Yeah, we look for the problem. Yeah, but then we get in so many of them Yeah, it is fair to say we've got trouble sure the troubles

Starting point is 00:09:38 We've got issues because we go and find the things we shouldn't be yeah, you know yeah, I mean, they're great domestic terrorists They're amazing. They're awesome. Shout out to the NRA. They love Lizzie's in a box Palestinians so much yeah, which is awesome, which is great. I'm all it's very sad what's happening over there. Yeah, but They do so much in Ireland it's borders on like guys, wait a minute. There's a little bit of anti-Semitism creeping in. I've never seen them love anyone that much. They love pal. Yeah. I mean, I get it because they're just the whole thing. I get it. Yeah, they get to be, I mean, it's like when your history is oppression, you see it and it's like nobody else is saying it. So it seems crazy, but they're like hey

Starting point is 00:10:26 Should we maybe stop? Island and then you just see a guy Like a kaffir yeah, yeah, just an Irish guy painting this Muslim Yeah, on the wall and you go well, that's lovely that is awesome. I'd like I it's a real solidarity there I'd love to get a little That is awesome. It's a real solidarity there. I'd love to get a little, like we should have an exchange program. For sure.

Starting point is 00:10:48 Have you seen a video of there's a Palestinian. You can get drunk in Palestine. There's a video of Palestinians speaking English and they're speaking with Irish, like thick Irish accents. Yes. Because the only English people, like the only people that stuck around were Irish people. No, that's what's great. Here's the thing thing is great about the Irish. They have a sense of justice Yeah, they have a sense of right and wrong even though well in their own lives day. Here's the thing. Yeah, we have to

Starting point is 00:11:15 You know we have to make a distinction between yes Irish from Ireland. Yes who are like Persecuted fighting against the British have a true sense of justice. Yes. And then American Irish, who, one generation, they're like, we'll be cops. Yeah. Oh, nice. You'll give us sticks to beat the poorer types of people. The American Irish were just looking for a person to hit with a stick. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:11:38 And as soon as that became something that had a retirement plan, something that had a retirement plan. As soon as there was a pension involved in hitting someone with a club, they got really into it. They took to it. Folks, here we are on the gorgeous tour bus, but I'm tired, I just got swole. It's a lot of travel. I'm dreaming of my relaxing, stylish bedroom at home,

Starting point is 00:12:06 where I have a Thuma bed frame. That's right, you've heard me talk about how much I love Thuma. It looks incredible, stylish as hell, easy to put together. You know I'm a klutz. Five minutes, I put this thing together myself, and it takes me, any other furniture takes me four hours. I have to call a friend to help me out.

Starting point is 00:12:23 This looks so good, it's so solid. I love it, I think you'll love it too. It's not just bed frames, they have all kinds of furniture for the bedroom. When I get back home, I'm gonna redecorate my bed. I'm getting a new place in New York. You better believe I'm gonna be hitting up Thuma. I love them, I think you'll love them too.

Starting point is 00:12:39 Check out Our Pals with Thuma to get $100 towards your first bed purchase. Go to thuma.co slash stavi. That's T-H-U-M-A dot C-O slash stavi to receive 100 bucks off your first bed purchase. Yeah, it is very funny how principled Irish, the Irish from Ireland are, and then every Irish friend of mine has

Starting point is 00:13:06 been truly a drunk. Well I think a lot of it comes from the fact that like there's this pressure like you said to feel like you're constantly in a battle even when you're not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that's the thing like it's been like obviously early on it was hard sure for Irish people Yeah, once they migrated out to like the Long Island in Jersey. Yeah, it got a lot better pretty pretty quick Yeah, once you started going to the Apple Farms. Yeah, you know, I don't think you're really you know under the thumb Absolutely, but nobody wants to let it go like we can't just nobody wants to go You know, I don't think you're really, you know, under the thumb anymore. Yeah, absolutely.

Starting point is 00:13:45 But nobody wants to let it go, like, you know. Well, yeah, you can't just, nobody wants to, nobody wants to be just a person, a middle class person. Right. Nobody wants to be the type of person that can't, doesn't have much to complain about. What's fascinated me my whole life is the emptiness and beauty, weirdly, of like the American suburbs

Starting point is 00:14:06 Yeah, and how they create some of the most interesting and worst people on earth definitely and that That's the true landscape of America the cities We all know the cities and obviously we get it but the suburbs have a mystery to them and it's interesting to me I've spent years Living in them. Yeah, you grew up on long island on long island. I grew up with these people Brutally funny people. Yeah brutally Funny people terrible and they're during me. That's who I am as well

Starting point is 00:14:38 We have the our instincts are selfish. Yes, we got to fight them because they're all selfish Yeah Our instincts are selfish. You gotta fight them because they're all selfish. Very selfish instincts. Literally, as the fires are raging in Los Angeles, great, people are losing their homes. People are dying. I call a friend of mine and I'm in the car and I say, I didn't come here for this. That's the craziest response. And I'm in the car. Yeah, I say I didn't come here for this

Starting point is 00:15:14 That's the crazy I go I didn't fucking come here for yeah, I came here for good weather Yeah, I'm screaming now at the top of my in a disgusting car. I want to make of the car But I'm screaming at my friend. I didn't come here for this shit Yeah, but you know what you did you think you did because what you were dreaming of Yeah was being so having lost touch so much You know what I mean? Like like you always wanted to get to the point where you are in a luxury car And you're you know what you're doing is obscene It's obscene and then you should be drug through the streets like Mussolini. Yes for what you're doing is obscene. And that you should be drug through the streets like Mussolini for what you're doing. You know that and you want to be able to behave that way.

Starting point is 00:15:51 You always want to, again, I will give you credit because there's a lot of weird- I worry more about the people who don't admit they behave that way. Well that's what I'm saying. That's why I love you Tim. And we're friends for at this point over a decade and you have always Openly said I want to be a part of the ruling class I want to taste the fruits that I did not earn. Yeah, I want a friend an excuse made his money Exploiting people. Yeah, I want to I want to be on the kinds of boats

Starting point is 00:16:28 Exploitation by yeah, and I respect that about you everyone kind of Because I think that the people who loudly proclaim to not yeah, yeah also weirdly want it Well, everyone wants luxury everybody seems to want I like I don't want the responsibility of the ruling class And I have no like I don't want to like oppress people cuz it takes effort and energy What it is You want to be in the room. I'm curious as to how the whole thing works right right I don't think there's any value in not understanding how it works. Sure, sure, sure.

Starting point is 00:17:10 And as I've met, and I've met some of these people now, it is so boring. It is so boring, Stavros. It is unreal. It's the banality of evil or whatever they call it. It's so true. It is so boring. It is all just Really so someone can have like a tenth house, right?

Starting point is 00:17:32 Everyone for nothing for a number to go up on a screen people are dying No, it's crazy and you'd think it's like people talk about the the occult and that there's some like these blood rites and all interesting like maybe they're Lizards that live in the earth or maybe they're all like united because of these blood rituals they do. Maybe they're a different species or something. No, they actually just really are kind of trying to preserve their position. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:17:58 And most of them have no idea what's going on. And then there's 10% that do. Sure. And those are the ones who are really nefarious. Real demons. And by the way, the one good thing Elon Musk has done is demystified rich guys. Sad.

Starting point is 00:18:14 That's a tough guy for guys like you. Because he's a dork and a half. He's pathetic. I've attacked him. I've set him in Vivec. Because I'm, I'm. There's no dignity in that. I've attacked him. I've set him in Vivec. Because I'm, I'm. There's no dignity in that. There's no dignity in that.

Starting point is 00:18:30 In pretending to win, he paid a guy to, so he ranks higher in a video game. Did you know that? It's so bad. That's nuts. But it actually shows you the emptiness of money, which it is, life is not about having lots of money.

Starting point is 00:18:43 It's about community and love and family. It's about all the things that we know it's about. But what Elon has done, I think, has exposed that there is no amount of money. Yeah. Yeah. There's no amount of money that you can give a human being where they won't heil Hitler for kicks.

Starting point is 00:19:05 There's no amount of money you can pay someone. Just don't, if we give you 300 million, just don't seek heil. Don't do that. And you go, it's not enough. It's not enough. It's a trillion won't be enough. It's like, it's so sad to want to be rich and care what people, to want people to think you're cool.

Starting point is 00:19:25 It's, I mean, that's high school behavior. But that is the currency they can't, they don't have. And that's what I hate about the manifestation of wealth now is that they know who I am. Or who you are. Or who Andrew Schultz is. Or anybody. They are, they like, like I'm like, dude,

Starting point is 00:19:44 you should be like, oh you rat You yell every week this idea there is something There was something refreshing about people who would just live in their castles in Greenwich, Connecticut or wherever I like yes, I like my Republicans in suits these guys put a fucking suit on these guys don't have a stylist For sure. They're too exposed to be really interesting in suits these guys put a fucking suit on these guys don't have a stylist for sure they're too exposed to be really interesting yeah they're too exposed to be interesting there's no mystery to Elon really yeah I'm not like what makes him tick yeah yeah everyone knows aesthetically yeah it's like a pathetic

Starting point is 00:20:18 need for approval it's like being a comedian it's not that I donated money to the fire people there you go you, that's not the rich ones. Yeah Feel bad for the people in the palace of course, but they'll be reality. I also dislike a lot of There's people that dislike. I like that looks. If you give my fat ass a look in Irwan when I'm eating my burrito and your house burns down, well maybe God got involved. I mean that is, you are truly the like. But here's the other thing somebody said to me once.

Starting point is 00:20:58 There's all the socialists and stuff like that. They go, you make the rich more uncomfortable than anyone because I go to the places they are and I sit there and they're horrified. And so it is something where it's like, I grew up with these movies like Trading Places or Curly Sue or whatever. I was just gonna say this, but go ahead. I grew up with these things where homeless or catty shack,

Starting point is 00:21:17 where homeless type people would then go and invade these spaces. And I do that all the time. I just walk into these places and not everyone is thrilled No, well, that's just saying yeah, you're the stereotype of the you are the fat loudmouth Long Islander I and they're like there goes the name your there goes the neighborhood for billionaires. That's right. I mean, it's like that's right It is a white guy. Yeah, but it's a fat low-class Irish Working class the voice is very working class guy. Yeah, so so they're not thrilled with it. So it's a fat low-class Irish working class the voice very working class guy

Starting point is 00:21:45 Yeah, so so they're not thrilled with it. So it's my own Little I mean now respected who knows It's something yeah it is it is wild to watch Elon's stuff and it's wild to watch the tech people in general because of the rich people that I've seen in my life or have met, the tech people are by far the creepiest. Absolutely.

Starting point is 00:22:15 And their intentions are by far the worst. And I did a whole episode where I talked about it where I'm like, I don't think they care, not only that America, I don't think they're fans of humanity. America, I don't think they're fans of humanity. Right. I don't think it gets them excited. These are people who don't understand the simple pleasures of an Irish drunken fistfight.

Starting point is 00:22:33 And intercourse. Or a bacon, egg, and cheese on a hungover morning. Trying to have intercourse, but your dick's soft from all the drugs in your system. That's right. They don't know what that's like. They biohack their dick hard or your game We come at the issue from two separate sides Whatever the reason or your drunken yeah, you know, they don't know they don't know the imperfect beauties of life

Starting point is 00:23:03 You know and they don't they don't take a joy from what it means to be a fucking human being I've always said like you shouldn't get Too much richer than being able to like appreciate living by a body of water Yeah, like you should be able to go, you know, I live by the beach. That's kind of cool Totally you shouldn't get so so crazy rich that you go. How do I terraform another planet? I do we need some stops here folks. We need some caps here We need a higher, you know, and it is it. Yeah, it's like these tech guys like the worst thing in the world is fucking Zuckerberg clearly going on testosterone because now he's like I whole i can find out it's not a bad feeling and i

Starting point is 00:23:48 think it's good they should never appear they should appear in public twice a year but they should appear in public twice a year but by the way that's the way the old school guys used to do it they would show up at like a shareholder meeting and once in court right right right and they would show up like twice a year and they didn't like being photographed and they didn't like being and right they didn't like it I hated it and here's the other thing How about what happened to throwing us a fucking bone what I'm sure the Carnegie's and the fucking?

Starting point is 00:24:15 You know the Vanderbilts the Rockfellas they sucked your great-grandfathers dry Yeah, they took them for all they were where they didn't pay them a living wage But we got a fucking opera house out of it. Give us a fucking theater. A library you fucks. Give us the Zuckerberg Center for the Performing Arts. Let me see Gypsy at the Zuckerberg Theater for the Performing Arts. Yeah let me play the Zuckerberg. By the way Stavros that's such a great point. How nightmarish is is it gonna be in like 20 years if they start doing that? Oh, yeah, you're sitting there you like it's all I generated ballet. Yeah, where are we gonna see this? We're going to the Sam Altman

Starting point is 00:25:00 Yeah, no, I mean that's fucking that's Everything every person, you know every name We know like I saw a list of like the only slaveholders in New York. Yeah, and it's every street name Yeah, there's 12 guys that slaves second doors You know in New York, it's like every fucking piece of shit and these current billionaires won't even do that They won't even they just want to be cool. They want to fucking do jiu-jitsu and it's like just be a dork I'm shocked at the people that are ruining the world are such fucking losers I wish that there was a way that I could get in a room with them and sit them all down and go

Starting point is 00:25:41 I know what you want to do. Yeah But you're losing right now, it's not good. And if you would just listen to me, because evil's not easy, I'd have a course, I'd have a course, it would be called evil's not easy. And it would be about how to be a villain, how to be a real villain. I have studied and respected the real villains,

Starting point is 00:26:04 without them you don't have heroes. Yeah, sure, sure, sure. It's true. It's true. Like you need to push against something. What are you pushing again? So beautiful. Yes. So I evil is not easy. Right. Of course. And it's me.

Starting point is 00:26:18 And I sit in a room with Vivek. Right. Elon and Zuck. Yeah. And Tim Cook, who's somehow like just this was strange like is Yeah, is he alive? I don't know about and all in his apple guy and then Altman and all these guys and I go listen guys I like and I and I and I give them props I go Sam Altman what you're doing in Africa is good because it's out of view So that's good. The fact that you're- Check for evil.

Starting point is 00:26:46 We don't know what you're up to. That's very evil. Tennessee, I'm giving everyone a biometric crypto when they're born so that you can just give them money so you can enslave them and cast them. What you're doing in Africa, we don't really know what it is and no one's really reporting on it and that whistleblower turned up dead.

Starting point is 00:27:02 You're on the right track. Whistleblower's dead is one of the most classic Evil possible Elon Seeg heiling yeah on America's Got Talent Zuckerberg a three-hour thing with rope. That's not great. Yeah, it's not great There's Nazi shit is like it's like not only are you a fucking piece of shit? But it's like you're a hack you couldn't come up with something. Well. It's like it's weird because it's clearly and listen I don't I don't know that the guy I don't think he's a Nazi, but I don't know is he trolling But it is a weird salute that there's no other

Starting point is 00:27:39 There's no other way. Yes. There's no If you're trolling you're a 50 year old billionaire who's a troll. It's not good if he's trolling, but I'm wondering like, what is he doing? Yeah. What is the thought process? I mean, I really think it's pretty simple. And it's like every time he's tried, he's a master class in losing public support. Because remember like 10 years ago, if you're watching any movie and they have like, it's Iron Man.

Starting point is 00:28:11 Oh, it's a cool thing to have. Iron Man calls Musk and he's like, yeah, I'm using some of the tech you sent over. Or if they ever needed shorthand for a genius in the, you know, if it's a period piece, they say Einstein. 10 years ago, they say Elon Musk. Everyone who's viewed him as a genius right and then it became very when he started posting and it's like wait this guy's just stealing memes and

Starting point is 00:28:32 tweets I think the problem is the exposure level I yeah totally what always interests me a lot about people is that people lust for fame yes which has so many downsides it's bad it's legitimately which has so many downsides. It's bad, it's money has not a ton of downsides. Like there are downsides to having money. But there's a lot less. Too much of it eats at your soul. There's just not, whatever.

Starting point is 00:28:54 But you can get past that. But fame's a whole, it's a very like paradigm shifting thing. It's destabilizing, it's weird. And what's interesting to me is about his lust for fame. Right. It's weird. I think is one of those things that makes me slightly uncomfortable.

Starting point is 00:29:10 I think him and Trump are about to have a showdown. I think it's coming. That will be hilarious. I think it's coming. I really believe it's coming. It's the finals of like RuPaul's Drag Race level. I mean, Trump's gonna win. Trump's gonna handle it.

Starting point is 00:29:23 Trump's gonna handle it. It's not even close. He's gonna handle him. Trump's gonna handle him. It's not even close. He's gonna handle him, he's gonna handle him. Musk does not know what's coming his way. Well that's why, when I'm going back to the Sig Heil shit. Trump might see him as a fall guy too. Trump might be looking at him and going like, let him just do what he's doing.

Starting point is 00:29:36 That's what scares me as a not fan of Trump, is like, he will figure out a way to harness how much of a fucking loser Elon is and get out of some serious trouble and yeah We will actually be happy will be like the thing good job Trump for a second You know if you've watched if you watch them, I've never met him. Mm-hmm. I know people that know him well He has these weird Political instincts that no one knows where they're from Weird political instincts that no one knows where they're from

Starting point is 00:30:09 But they're they're unmatched and they're and they're all he's always weirdly like hitting the note When he needs to hit the note. Yeah, and I think One of the reasons he looked at this whole thing and he goes I need guys around me. You could go down I think he looks at it and goes I need some guys around me. I think you can go down Yeah, I think he's got like a tabloid mind. Yeah, he knows like big like what's reality TV reality TV is what it is Manufactured yeah, you're right. Yeah, you know, I think what he's Been able to do is like look at guys who think they're using him.

Starting point is 00:30:45 Right. I believe they all think they're using him. I think he's going, no, no, no, I'm using you. You don't even know it. I know you think you're using me. I'm actually using you. That's what I think, but I don't know. Because it is, again, Queen's real estate developer.

Starting point is 00:30:59 All of those, it's kind of like that Irish shit of like, he's taking that down the dirty shit He knows the things that we're saying these guys have no clue about he's observed them Yeah, you know in fist fights and all these right way working class things Yeah, but he's observed them he gets what he goes. Oh, I get what that guy got out of that, right, right, right So he's able to get so I think him and Ilan are on a crash course that will be very interesting We'll see what happens. You know, hopefully, personally, I'd love to see them both take each other out, but,

Starting point is 00:31:29 you know, whatever. This episode of Stuyvesant World, that's right. It's sponsored by booking.com, booking.yeah. We're here on the tour bus, but I'm tired of sleeping on the bunk every day. Okay, it's nice. But sometimes you want to, you want to stretch your legs. You want a real bed. You want a nice, but sometimes you want to you want to stretch your legs you want a real bed you want a nice someplace with a nice gym somewhere near the whole near the

Starting point is 00:31:49 Theater that I'm staying that's why when I don't feel like sleeping on this bus on this tour I'm using booking.com and I'm looking for the amenities. I like I'm being getting swole. I need a nice hotel gym I need it to be near, you know, like I said theaters that I'm performing Maybe you want to go see someone perform, you want a hotel near that. Maybe you wanna go to the beach. Whatever it is, booking.com's got it for you. Whatever you're looking for,

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Starting point is 00:32:33 Booking.yeah. Have you ever had a fall guy situation? Have you ever had like a growing up or maybe when you're on cocaine selling subprime mortgages was there ever like did you ever see anybody go down? You know no one life ruined no one Life got ruined just because they committed financial crime America. I know you're Greek and you just got here. Welcome. No, I've never seen, no truly to be honest with you, because it was all predominantly legal. Subprime mortgages were never illegal. Frauds illegal, but subprime mortgages were never illegal. You alleviate the burden of

Starting point is 00:33:20 illegality when you just go, you don't have to ask for someone's income yeah yeah so it was legal stuff and then the taxpayers bailed out these guys sure and everybody kind of was you know relatively unscathed I mean I knew guys that were super really bad doing fraud and shit they got in trouble that was years later they started doing like loan modifications and shit like that, but I was never at the top I was like a guy cold. Oh, yeah, this is nobody. Yeah, so take me through your like, yeah, they're like The timeline of your jobs you started your lifeguard as a life. Well, you're a child Six to twelve, what did you but oh, yeah, we talked about on your podcast Six to 12. What did you, oh yeah, we talked about on your podcast.

Starting point is 00:34:04 A lot of stuff, never got molested. Never got molested. Was hot. Do you think that would have made you straight somehow? Not only would it have made me straight, it would have made me successful. Which I also wasn't. Tim on Nickelodeon.

Starting point is 00:34:17 I was on like Sesame Street, which was like free. Right, right. There was no money in that. It was like public television. With the bowl cut. That's how far I got. Yeah. Public television. And your parents were supportive of you being a child.

Starting point is 00:34:29 How do you even, what happened? Yeah, because they kind of were, that was, there was a certain boomer thing where they were like, my kid's a star and he's going to bail me out of the mess. I've got myself in the mess. Like sure, we're in a hell of a lot of debt. But wait till they get a load of him. Right. When she learns how to tap dance. Yeah, and they think, yeah, well he can tap dance and he can of a lot of debt. Yeah. Wait till they get a load of him. Right. When she learns how to tap dance.

Starting point is 00:34:45 And they think, yeah, well, he can tap dance, and he can get us out of debt. And this still goes on. It's like every lunatic dad who's in the bleachers screaming that their son's going to be the husband winner. The Costco guys. All of it. All of it.

Starting point is 00:34:58 It's a very American thing to pimp your children out, to get out of horrible death. Yeah. That you've got into. It's an incredibly American thing to lookimp your children out, to get out of horrible death. That you've got into. It's an incredibly American thing to look at your child and go, actually, we're not fucked. You're a star. You're going to do it. You're going to sing our way out of this. So then I got

Starting point is 00:35:17 when I was like 11 or 12, I started to gain weight and it was over. You go through puberty. It's over. I mean, these casting directors, they throw you out. They throw you out. You hit the wall at 11. No, no one's trying to take you to the palm. You know, like this is no one wants to go to Smith and Walenskis with you.

Starting point is 00:35:34 And then I started doing like Junior Lifeguard. And then I was a lifeguard at a beach club, which meant I never saved anyone. No one deserved to be saved. It was I was a pool lifeguard. They would bring you food. You would sit in the chair and they'd bring chicken rolls Yeah pizza and you'd sit there and eat and then the owner of the beach club ago. You guys can't eat in the chair

Starting point is 00:35:53 It's actually disgusting And and we would look and we'd have like barbecue sauce on our face Barbecue chicken pizza and you know once we missed a save, he came up to me, he goes, you guys, the mother said she had to jump in and save her kid. And not you guys. And we were like, we don't even know what you're talking about.

Starting point is 00:36:15 So it was one of those things where it was like, you would just abuse power. You know, don't run, stop running. Stop running. No running on the deck. Yeah. You know what I mean? Stuff like that.

Starting point is 00:36:27 And then that was over and then I did, I finished high school and then I got into mortgages. I was cold calling. At a high school. Yeah, like community college. After community college, I would go and just cold call mortgages. And that was right on the cusp of it ending.

Starting point is 00:36:43 It was like 2004 or five right you got in just before they were robbing me I never got like the money I deserve they're like yeah yeah we'll get you a commission on the deal with pay on the day and you know dumb shit like of course give you a grand every now and then a couple of grand here and there and then I made a little bit of money and I was enough where I was like oh maybe this would be a career and then immediately as soon as I made any money it just mortgage meltdown total collapse.

Starting point is 00:37:06 You bought a house too, weren't you? I bought a house. I was 22, 21 years old and I bought a house zero down, no money down, $600,000 house, 22 years old. Rent it half of it. They were like just buy it and rent it, you'll be good. And it worked for a couple of years and then and it was like oh Then I was way underwater the house was like I was like 200 grand underwater Yeah, I talked to people that go just fuck it just leave

Starting point is 00:37:32 Yeah, I just left because there was nothing to do right and then I just moved to New York City I had no credit score for ten years, right and I worked shit jobs You know, where's that was that what's up with the house now who's living there now, man? You know, I don't know. I'm somebody should go in I should knock on the door I that's a good podcast. That was people say to me all the time They go when you were like really drugged up coked out and drunk Yeah, what do you regret doing and usually everybody has some story about like I fucked some chick

Starting point is 00:37:59 All right. I did some thing and I go I bought a home I bought I bought I was one of the only people in one of the coke down at open houses Just walking What if you took the fucking wall down this whole this master suites We can wall down we could put a whole mirror up on the wall. Yeah, maybe a disco ball right here. So it's like mirror up on the wall, maybe a disco ball right here. So it was like, yeah, and then that was a big disaster. That was my first foray into being a real estate investor. It was terrible.

Starting point is 00:38:31 And then I was broke, and that's when I met you guys. Yeah. Doing stand-up, but having no money being like a tour guide. Yeah. As doing stand-up comedy in A Story of Queens. That's right. I love them. And so what is the, what's the thought process of your,

Starting point is 00:38:46 cause you're an only child, right? Yeah. And so what's the, did your parents get divorced at what age? Like they were divorced seventh grade. They had a mediator. They couldn't afford lawyers. They got a mediator and last for two years. They lived in the house.

Starting point is 00:38:56 Oh no. To spite each other, you know. And that's okay because I only turned out to be a closeted, go gay, cocaine addict, who enthusiastically supported the Iraq war. That's okay because I only turned out to be closeted go get cocaine at it enthusiastically supported the Iraq war They were just it's spite The long island is driven by spite and grievance. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it Long Island is driven by spite and grievance. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:39:27 It is a place driven by spite and grievance. That generation of people specifically. It's why they're so funny. Yeah, yeah, for sure. It's why they're so funny. It's funny. It boils up, it bubbles up over. Because you gotta catch, they never caught it.

Starting point is 00:39:38 Like I caught it, like when I'm in my car going, I didn't move here, this just sucks. And I'm like, oh my God, people are losing everything. Why am I even having these thoughts? I catch it. And I realized it's monstrous. Right. You got to catch it. I have it. But you catch it. Yeah, they never caught it. Sure. They never caught it. Yeah, they would go my whole life. My father said to my cousin this this summer, we're at a barbecue. He goes, she goes,

Starting point is 00:40:02 how was COVID for you? And he goes, Well, he goes, I've been unlucky in my life. But he's a wine salesman. He goes, how was COVID for you? And he goes, well, he goes, I've been unlucky in my life, but he's a wine salesman. He goes, but I was lucky during COVID because people drank a lot of wine. No, he's been unlucky in his life. Straight, white, healthy guy who's been, it's been great.

Starting point is 00:40:16 Was in a band, probably got a lot of pussy. Everything was fine, was fine. To say I've been unlucky in my life is the most psychotic statement to make born in the best generation in history Everything but it's just funny the way he said he goes, you know, my life's been unlucky been tough It's been hard might have been just talking about you and your mother I agree and you married her ready for that. I agree. And you married her.

Starting point is 00:40:46 You know what I mean? So what do you mean? And he was no problem. Nobody was sure. No one in my house. And I want to say this. Yeah. Just in case there's any confusion, Casey, is any confused? No one in my house was a prize. Nobody won anything in my house. Yes. It was not a carnival where anybody won. Yeah, no one walked away with a big teddy bear. There was no big teddy bear in my house. But it was just, they lived together and it was rough.

Starting point is 00:41:15 My grandmother was a saint and she raised me kind of and I love her and she's a reason. On your mom or dad's side. My mother's side. And then my grandfather was a really good guy as well. On my father's side, I didn't see him enough. He was a great guy, an entrepreneur. He was a lot, you know, I respected him a lot.

Starting point is 00:41:30 Loved him and respected him because he came from Ireland, had no money, was a general contractor and worked and had a big family and kept them all together and did, you know, did the thing. So did you have cousins and shit growing up? My cousin's a huge fan of you, massive. He lives close. Yeah, he lives. He's a huge fan of you massive you live close. Yeah, I love it Yeah, that's so fat

Starting point is 00:41:47 Yeah, cuz it's like it is interesting that and you know what they just got divorced for just because didn't want to did your dad Did anybody cheat what's going on my father was? My mother was schizophrenic right and she was those issues were coming up and my father was And she was those issues were coming up and my father was as schizophrenic as she was He was like very he was like kind of a lazy guy. Yeah, and he would kind of like You know like a famous story is that I was the bus pulled up outside and my father was just laying on a couch Watching Sally Jesse Raffaello My mother because your son's walking in the house You should probably turn that off and he goes And then I just walk in and Sally Jesse

Starting point is 00:42:26 Yes would be lying with teen pregnant with all that stuff and my dad sitting there at 3 p.m Yeah, he's a great guy, but he just wasn't like let's like the world on fire with ambition Yeah, no ambition your mom's my mom's losing my dad had like a band So he would like practice music in the house even while you were like, yeah, who's doing that as yeah What was his job while you were growing? He was selling photocopiers and then my mother was a swim teacher and jamming and jamming He'd be in a studio And like my mother would be like out to eat my mother they would just eat my mother go out to eat every night Yeah, to eat like some she loved Greek diners

Starting point is 00:43:08 My mother loved a nice Greek diner that makes sense you and you would just hang out there cuz they hated each other Interesting and she's taking you you develop the set you because you are a big diet. You're a fine diner of all levels So I respect that you'll eat the grimy as shit. it's good. But you'll eat the, you know. What does Michelle Obama says when they go high and they go low? Yeah, that's where I feel a little bit. Sure, I get that. But no, it's that song, Brendanetti from Billy Joel,

Starting point is 00:43:35 but it's really not like, it's such a sanitized version of it, where he's like, they got an apartment with a couple paintings from Sears, they didn't account for the tears. It's like, hey Billy, why don't you go into that? Because it's really like, it's really like she's a that's schizophrenic and he's a lazy guy who's never put the work into his music. The son's gay and on cocaine and supports the Iraq War.

Starting point is 00:43:57 You know, it's like, you know. That's the secret. Yeah. That's weird. Do you ever, what's, do you worry about the schizophrenia stuff? I talk to doctors, they're like, no, they go, it usually really becomes obvious when you're younger. You know, it's not hereditary usually in the sense that you would get it later in life. Sure. You usually get it, it kind of- I'm gonna tell you right now, looking at you with no context.

Starting point is 00:44:21 But by the way- A guy who looks like this and his job is talking by himself into a microphone for hours. He wouldn't I would not be worried about it. I created a life where schizophrenia increases this. It's actually better. It's actually better. Imagine better.

Starting point is 00:44:41 Imagine four hours of me on Joe Rogan with schizophrenia. Well, I'm just like, and then I spoke and then Joe, a guy showed up at my house and he wanted to take me to a secret installation. And Joe go, how do you think I knew where to live, man? Yeah. Where do you think I am? It's interesting, man.

Starting point is 00:45:02 What's happened, you know? So, you know. That is true, you have figured that out. I have to give you credit. You would be. No, it's not like I have a, I'm a team leader at a bank. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know.

Starting point is 00:45:15 It would be at least one year before you had to stop doing your job in full-blown. Oh, how would they even diagnose me? Yeah. But no, I don't, I think that I will, I think of the health things to worry about. Sure. As my doctor's repeatedly told me,

Starting point is 00:45:32 that's not even in the top 10. Yeah. He's like, there are severe things you should actually be thinking about. I actually just went to the doctor. Yeah. And he was like, yeah, I mean, your brain is the only healthy thing.

Starting point is 00:45:45 He was like, he had a full body scan. I got my fucking back's fucked up apparently. I got fucking, just a little bit of pre, they're like, you gotta get your fucking, just a little, your lipids are a little high, all that shit. Everything is pre, pre heart disease, pre diabetes. It's like, how far is that pre heart disease. Yeah, diabetes. It's like far as that pre man

Starting point is 00:46:06 Well, you know what it is. It's it's I blame the government Poison in the food you're actually right about that I mean, you know it is funny that America does get the shittiest like go anywhere else. The food is better You can eat bread and pasta in Europe in the UK without problems even Canada gets better food than us and everybody Right fucking there everybody. Yeah, it is hilarious how much and that goes back to Secret rich guys who never wanted to the guys who put the poison our yeah, we don't know their names That's because they and they're more powerful in the CIA like yeah people are like

Starting point is 00:46:42 What do you think the this administration because every administration goes in they go we're gonna do X Y & Z and maybe half of that right right I go Trump and those guys want to clean out the intelligence community they're not gonna be able to do that fully they won't but you know who will really I think after four years RFK will maybe get a warning label on the Uncrustable. That's like as far as that's gonna go. Keep your fucking trembling hands off the fucking Uncrustable, you prick. I'm coming for you, motherfucker. If you think the Pentagon has power, Nestle has more.

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Starting point is 00:48:58 I loved a Yankee Doodle. Okay, they came in a package of three Doodles were two ho ho's yeah, it'll give you the third little yes. Yes. Yes Yankee Doodle. Okay child I respect that a frozen yodel Can change the game Wow I've even considered popping a yodel Yodel love that in my high school and then my middle school whatever it was primary school middle school and high school In my high school and then my middle school whatever it was primary school middle school and high school Cafeteria a frozen yodel of that will do it will do a nice love that and now and now Because you've become such a gourmand

Starting point is 00:49:38 Is there is what a horrible thing to call someone? worse than just Good that's positive. Yeah, but it's just such a like. Yeah, it sounds fat, but it just means you appreciate fine foods. I can just imagine like me sitting there and still looking at my doctor, going, no, no, no, you don't understand. I'm a gourmand.

Starting point is 00:49:54 He goes, no, you're dying. I go, no, no, no, I'm a gourmand. I'm a gourmand. I'm a gourmand. I'm a gourmand. Do you have a real, like a real, what's a one bite thing? What's just like the best thing you've had in the last, like a meal you think about,

Starting point is 00:50:14 this is just fat guys talking now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. You know, like, you know, we're just talking about, you know, cause for me it's just like, I'm a simple guy, I'm a steak guy, and I had some actual wagyu that just like I'm a simple guy. I'm a steak guy and I had some actual wagyu That just like I went to a steakhouse in In I went to majordomo. It was just like just a little morsel

Starting point is 00:50:34 Fatty stuff and then the same thing with like I love fatty. What can I say? I love wagyu and then I'll love like I went to an higher-end sushi place and just The fucking fatty tuna there One of the things when I'm in New York City There's a clam bar and sheeps at Bay called Rindazzo's clam bar. Love that. They have the best red sauce in the world and Just a bite of fried calamari smothered in red sauce Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know a fresh calamari to me is very hard to beat. Yeah, and

Starting point is 00:51:06 I love that. I have a birthday party tonight at the stand. I mean there's part of me that when I just said that things Why don't I just not go to it? You would have a better time You know what the best time to go to that clam bars in the winter it's snowy There's no one there, and you just have some soup of the clams I love this and you have some fried calamari There and you just watch Russian people discuss things. Yeah, that sounds native tongue. I love that Great answer. Well, look we had to get a couple now my now I'm hungry now

Starting point is 00:51:42 I'm not gonna give a fuck about the rest of this podcast We got we got you know give some fucking advice to the people Tim and then of course anything I want to plug here in the in the middle of episode. I have a podcast and then I you know I have Stand up dates on the webs, you know whatever Tim Dillon comm whatever the comedy comedy dot com or Actually everything Whatever the comedy.com comedy.com or Constitution putting up my dates Yeah, you can get a tax credit. If you go see Tim.

Starting point is 00:52:28 It's alright, you can write it all off. You can write a Patreon subscription to Five Guys off. Go ahead, Eldis. What do we got here? Hey there, Stop. Long time no see. Hey there, Stop. Long time no see. First time in college.

Starting point is 00:52:44 So, I have a little bit of an issue, not really an issue but whatever. So recently my wife and I went on a trip and used my sister's car to go on said trip and we went through like a couple of tolls or whatever and racked up a couple of dollars in fines, you know, tolls or stupid whatever. Sure. But what happened was the tolls got sent to my sister's previous address.

Starting point is 00:53:21 And racked up like an insane amount of like fees and stuff, like late fees. And what was supposed to be like a $4 or $5 fee ended up being like a $70 to $80 fee. Okay. And so my sister goes to like, you know, renew her car or whatever and she can't be that there's the outing by the she had to pay and she like all mean like hey just so you know you know me seventy five dollars uh... right uh... so just get that to me whenever and by you but that there is a way

Starting point is 00:54:04 better off. I know So I'm like Pain a little pickle trying to figure out there's no pickle am I supposed to do You know, it's so funny. Oh, yeah, let me know. Let you know He goes like this he goes what am I supposed to do? So the choices are pay her $75 or stop speaking your sister? What are the choices here? Also you're so fully in the wrong. Like there's no question here.

Starting point is 00:54:38 There's no, like you say you're hard up for money, okay so it's 75 bucks. What if you totaled her car and you owed her thousands of dollars? Is she supposed to just buying you car and be like, no big deal, it wasn't your fault? Like if you get a ticket, if you get a ticket, your car gets towed. That's 300 bucks.

Starting point is 00:54:58 You still did it, you still owe it to her. If you do something bad to someone, you have to make it up. I mean, there's no. I borrowed my roommate during COVID. Becky Robinson, very funny comedian. I borrowed her infinity and I drove it to Nobu Malibu and they would give you sushi and you eat it in a parking lot. It wasn't open. So I would just get to go sushi and eat it in a parking lot by myself. And then pulling into the spot, I fucked up her car and I was like, and I did the right thing obviously I paid for it or whatever because when you borrow someone's car

Starting point is 00:55:30 this is a rule yeah I think yeah I'm gonna write a great when you borrow someone's car for any reason no matter what hat even if you are in the if you get hit right if something happened you're responsible fully one hundred percent Yeah, this happened to me actually and maybe you're over here saying these two fat rich cocksuckers They don't know what it's like this happened to me when I first moved to Queens Yeah, where I and in fact I had a little more of a case right because I moved the car for a friend That's right. They asked me to yeah, I didn't see that. I parked in a place for a ticket I was like I'm doing you like but even though I was doing them a favor when you

Starting point is 00:56:12 Agree to do something. Yeah, yeah I should have looked at the fucking signs and I was at 150 bucks when I was fucking you whatever you're broke I had just moved to New York. I had no job. I was living off my, like, I had a fixed thousand dollars left before I, like, whatever. And I had to do it, man. You just, like, you, she, A, lent you her car. She saved you money. Like, what do you think a rental car costs?

Starting point is 00:56:41 My favorite line in this whole thing, my favorite line in this whole thing, right? Okay He goes so I'm like in a little bit of a pickle trying to figure out so you're describing Potentially cutting your sister off as a little bit of a piece. I'm a little bit of a pickle He's like do I give her seventy five dollars or do I just block her? Yeah. And never speak to her again. And by the way, I'm sorry, you were doing what? You were going on vacation with her car? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:57:10 So you can't come up with $75, but you came up with what? 500 bucks to go to fucking Myrtle Beach or whatever the fuck? There's a lot of whatever series. We racked up a couple of tolls or whatever. My wife and I took a trip. Between you and your wife. Yes, 75. You can't come up with, and look, again, we've both, everybody on this podcast has been poor as fuck.

Starting point is 00:57:27 That's right. And we have, you can come up with 75 fucking dollars, dude. Especially, it's like you did it. There is no argument. And you could, by the way, you could have paid cash. Guys, guys, just before we move on, let me do one counterpoint. Oh, please, please, please. Let me just do a counterpoint.

Starting point is 00:57:43 Yes. Let me do a counterpoint. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Because I feel like, let's just do a counterpoint. Let me get in his head for apoint. Oh, please. Let me just do a counterpoint. Yeah Let's just do a counterpoint. Let me get in his head for yes. Yeah Is there anything she's done to you that you That you could justify not You her car

Starting point is 00:58:10 Something you can dig deep enough is there something you can bring up something you can bring up so so my Irish go back Yeah, dig it up. Bring it up. Is there something that will definitely go over? Well, yeah, like can you imagine here's the other hilarious thing think about this being in your family Think like I have two brothers if one of my brothers was like well, you know But I don't have 75. Yeah, I took the thing and and he's complaining He's like can you believe he wants me to pay for it? Yeah, he has a job. I don't it's like yeah I'd be like what the fuck are you talking? You could call her and say listen, I I'm really sorry this happened. I just don't have $75 right now and then her response will be but you just went on a vacation yeah you have to

Starting point is 00:58:56 I mean there's no you have no what even is your argument I am NOT sure that you don't have the money you do this wasn't like you know I do I need to get to a job in a little bit though Selfish this is exactly Irish selfishness and discuss yeah Even as I'm shitting on him. There's part of me that goes you know what like yeah, he's wrong This is a problem. He only he created yes that affects someone else Yeah, and he thinks he shouldn't have to deal with that's right. It's insane, dude. You're so in the wrong It's not there is no

Starting point is 00:59:32 It's crazy 75 fucking dollars I mean you got to take anyway. Go ahead. Fuck this guy No, you know what it's time to do? Oh Tim, it's time to... It's time to... Be the twisted. Mmhmm. Oh Tim, where'd you go? Welcome to the twisted zone.

Starting point is 00:59:58 We're so twisted. We took an Irish guy and we turned him less fat and straight Let's edit some shit where I'm like lightning powers and I'm turning him into JP By the power of the twisted by the bow by the power of the motherfucking ass twisted question of the week I turned Tim into JP McDade, let's go. Holy shit. Stop using his conversion therapy beams We're keeping it twisted here folks. We are back. It's time We had to we had to let you know it's time to keep it twisted and we're doing that right now Tim had you know Tim? Tim keeps it too twisted

Starting point is 01:00:52 He keeps it too twisted. We couldn't even allow him to be on this He's a guy who keeps it way too motherfucking twisted sometimes and we said Tim get out I'm bringing JP in to keep it twisted. It's a twist on a twist. It's a twist on a twist. And Eldis, I believe you have this week's twisted-ass motherfucking question of the week ready to go. We have a twisted-ass question. Let's jump right in here. Let's do it. Dobby, long time washer, first time caller. Thank you, bro.

Starting point is 01:01:21 So I matched with this girl on hinge and I was trying to get a second opinion from my buddy See if you know, maybe I should pursue her or not. I don't know Well, long story short short. I take a little screenshots and I Mean to send to my friend who I'm on the call with But it accidentally gets sent into my work group chat. Oh, no, so everyone I work with It's all it everyone I don't know what to do with it

Starting point is 01:01:58 About this what what would be your advice? I'll just keep it short and sweet. What would you do? What would be your advice? I'll just keep it short and sweet. What would you do? Keep it twist. I would keep it twisted. I would be like, what do you think boys? Should I slam this piece follow through? What do you think boss Marsha Marsha? I have so much respect for you as a corporate leader I want I wanted to ask you should I hit these skins? Should I dog this bitch out the way I dogged out our fourth quarter earnings report, Marcia? I would have told you to do this. I would have told you to send potential smashes to the work slack. Put it in slack.

Starting point is 01:02:38 Put it in the fucking work slack. Keep it twisted. What you should have done, look, here's what you do. You take the whole office, you know, happy hour. You get everybody around the ice cold delicious twisted teas. Keep it twisted. You keep it twisted, you know, maybe you get the game day pack and you sit in the parking lot and you crack it open, you have a peach, you have an original, you have a half and

Starting point is 01:03:01 half, you have a raspberry. I'm a peach guy, know I like to get you know I like to keep it twisted peach style and you talk you you could okay in all seriousness Which you do you should have a twisted tea with them, but this already happened. It's over The toothpaste is out of the fucking tube What you should have done first of all I think you're calling in It's already too late what you do there is you immediately unsend if you can and if you can you say sorry wrong

Starting point is 01:03:33 all I'm I'm really sorry wrong wrong screenshot uh... you know raw I I sent this to the wrong um group chat or you know what I mean you are you are see there's nothing you can do you have to see me you are you honestly there's nothing you can do you have to I mean you just made it the Amount of embarrassment you feel is entirely up to you totally that's you decide Well, that's what I mean. It's like it happened. Everyone knows what happened So the sooner you deal with something like that It's like if you're if you're at you know, let's say you're at a happy hour

Starting point is 01:04:03 You're having a nice cold, twisted tea, and you shit your pants, and you just sit in your shit for a fucking hour or two, and then leave and pretend nothing happened, it's weird. If you shit your pants, even they hear the fart, you take a long time in the bathroom, and you come back wearing the gym shorts you had in your backpack, they know what happened. And you gotta, all right guys take it. You know, I'll see you later

Starting point is 01:04:27 But so they know everyone knows what this is So I say you you put shout on the jukebox you get everyone up on the dance So You could so everyone's seen it, right? Now let's get the silver lining, let's keep it twisted, because this is after all, what is this if not the twisted ass motherfucking question of the damn fucking freaking week, right? Still working on the name. It's out there, silver lining. Some of the people, there's probably people

Starting point is 01:05:09 that you were like kind on the verge of being bros with that you can now turn them into full-fledged bros. And that's by the way, that's not gendered. Women or like, everyone saw it. If anybody kind of busted your balls or if anybody felt comfortable enough with you to even bring it up, or the people that you bring it up with,

Starting point is 01:05:29 if your friends with them would be like, oh, I'm embarrassed, see how they do it. If they kind of bust your balls back, they'd be like, so what do you think? You know what I'm saying? Now you've turned an embarrassed, and look, you've embarrassed- You've notched it up to another level of connection

Starting point is 01:05:43 with your coworkers. Totally. You've embarrassed yourself in front of a level of connection with your coworkers. Totally. You've embarrassed yourself in front of a handful of them, right? They think you're the dumb pig that you are, right? Yeah. That's fine. Those people were never really gonna be your friends. And by the way, you can still be friends with them in other ways.

Starting point is 01:05:54 You can have performance-based friendships, you know what I mean? Or you can have lunch friendships, whatever. But I bet you, a lot of people, and not just young dudes your age, like, they were, when I worked at an office, dude, like, the coolest, most ball-buster-y people were older women who actually wanted to hear about you getting pussy. Yes. They were fucking cool.

Starting point is 01:06:18 Like, my group, when I worked as a paralegal, was like, this awesome, just like, she was just like, she was the lady who did all awesome just like she was just like cool she was the lady who did all the work she was just like you know in my head I'm like this older black lady she was a hundred percent how old I am now or like around my age was probably late 30s older you know 40s whatever but I was 22 at the time and then a woman who was like in her 50s, just older black lesbian who kept it high and tight fade, like just bust your balls. I had one of those.

Starting point is 01:06:50 She was the one, she told me, There's a coworker. There's a commercial, there's like some Super Bowl commercial where there's a giant baby, do you remember that year? Yeah. Or just, and she was like, you know who you look like? The baby from the commercial. It's like, you just,

Starting point is 01:07:04 Twisted. It's like, you just twisted. It's not, that's not a celebrity. That's a fat, huge CGI baby. Anyway, she was awesome, but even we had a white trash girl in there who loved gossip. Like, I actually, and you know, of course I had a couple bros. I worked at a law firm, had a couple lawyer bros that I, you know, that I would kind of chop it up with. Gossip is the lifeblood of the office. As someone who's been on both sides of this type of incident

Starting point is 01:07:30 in the workplace, I could tell you, all it does is create energy. Right, yes, yes. And people are closer with you after that. By keeping it twisted, you have put twisted energy into the workspace, and that's a powerful, powerful tornado. Keep it twisted. You've got it You kept it twisted don't pull don't don't stop now don't half measure

Starting point is 01:07:50 Don't try and untwist in the middle. You'll end up fucking spraining your elbows, right? You know you'll you'll you'll get your foot stuck in the mud and tear your ACL Keep it twist send it keep keeping it twisted All the way around. Make all those rotations, bro out with some of these people over this hinge. I think this will like permanently mark his work identity at this office.

Starting point is 01:08:15 You'll always be the dumb ass that's sent that's sent like the hinge screenshot to the group chat. But you do sound like very stupid and very young. You sound stupid and young, yes. Where it's like a funny, it's not like you're like a 47 year old, you're a 47 year old married boss who accidentally sent a hidden screenshot. Right, which also has happened in works,

Starting point is 01:08:38 old guys get caught cheating by attaching a picture of Titch to like, instead of a PDF. That's not what happened. You made a young cute idiot mistake. Right. And you kind of when you're that dumb and this guy's kind of he's like I'm actually 37 years old. But like I'm a senior vice president at JP Morgan Chase. But like whatever this is that's what people are expecting from you and you know what you kept it twisted keep keeping it twisted and and and when you find those bros in the office They that you know want to tell you want to give you advice about if you should smash or not Over pay the favor treat them to an ice-cold twisted tea and don't forget keep it twisted

Starting point is 01:09:22 Your fucking instincts for that are fucking awesome, dude. Um, alright, well, whoa, what the hell? Woo, holy shit! Oh, that's the Twisted Ass Motherfucking Question of the Week! Don't forget! Keep it twisted. Oh, shit! Yo, what's up, Star Wars? Oh shit! And I've had no family members die of this particular cancer within recent memory or in my fucking timeline So I have no connection to this and every time I go and talk to a conference

Starting point is 01:10:12 Or talk to a group of donors or a group of people who were interested in my research People always bring up like oh my dad my grandpa my whatever dad and I have no connection to this shit And then is the hardest conversation to have and I just do not know how to get through it in a way that makes me look like a sensitive person as well as a person that legitimately cares about the research that I'm doing, which I do, but more from the perspective of the fact that I find this shit interesting from a scientific perspective, which is not what any of these people want to hear. They want to hear, I'm doing this because I'm trying to cure brain cancer.

Starting point is 01:10:55 An unrealistic but goal that I am legitimately working towards. So how can I bridge this gap and comfortably talk to these people and say, Oh, I'm so sorry for that shit without sounding like somebody who doesn't know they're talking about which is exactly who I am. Thank you. I think you're the perfect person to answer this question. And I hope to hear this answer on a you know, not private episode. Thank you. I mean, I love you. I mean just No does not understand empathy at all. This is fucking hilarious. I would lie say you had it and cured yourself I mean, that's the only thing is like what is the dilemma? What is the question? The question is I want to talk to these people

Starting point is 01:11:43 Even though no one in my family has died of this. Well listen, there are lots of people who have not suffered from things that choose to work in those fields that are very difficult and I think if you did some patient outreach and because you're on the research end you might get disconnected from it. Well this again goes back to the tech guy argument too. Yes. These are the people we're talking about. He doesn't even understand the basic social lubricant of like, I'm so sorry. And talk to families, dude. Talk to people who've been affected and then when you talk to those people that becomes a part of you

Starting point is 01:12:16 and I think you'll be able to communicate that experience. I mean, I don't even think. Do I sound crazy? No, I think you're even saying more than he needs to do. Right. Because all you, all he has to do is say like, I'm so think you're even saying more than he needs to do right because all you all he all he has to do Is say like I'm so he does talk to those people He's saying he's uncomfortable talking to them because they want because but he's not coming out from your perspective I'm trying to learn from them. He's like I just want to tell them and I think it's interesting and it's like well Do you know you can't do that? You can't do that if you work in the position field? Yeah, if you work in the world of grief and stuff like that,

Starting point is 01:12:47 I think you have to understand that obviously there's a scientific portion of your job, that's the heavier portion, like more of your job is scientific because it's research, but then there's a portion of it that does involve like humanity and being a human being and talking about loss and grief and all that stuff. Yeah, and like dude, he says it's unrealistic

Starting point is 01:13:08 to cure cancer, it's like, don't say that, you fucking idiot. Don't open with that. Who cares? This is what I would do, ready, I'm him. I get up there, what does he do? He speaks at the conference, right? He'd go, hi, hi, hi, I had this cancer.

Starting point is 01:13:22 And I cured myself. It's mental, it's it's mental. Yeah. It's in your head. Watch Jordan Peterson. You can do it. If you make your bed every morning, the cancer will go away. You control your own destiny.

Starting point is 01:13:38 Okay, you got to get out of this dimension. I live in another dimension. I'm on a 5D timeline, you idiots. But yeah, I mean, truly, I don't get what is vexing you right now, the guy who's calling in. Just understand that yeah, the thing you think is cool, what goes with it is occasionally talking to people that have been affected by it. So just tell them what they want to hear, get in and out of that conversation and just say I'm

Starting point is 01:14:08 where I find this very you know I'm working to cure I want I'm working to cure this I want to be able to make progress on this and that's why I'm doing all this research and one day all my work and you're saying it's unrealistic but on some grand timeline, your work hopefully will lead to curing cancer or finding the ways to prevent it, whatever the fuck. Just say that. Nobody gives a fuck.

Starting point is 01:14:36 You fucking idiot. We're doing important work here. Yeah, I'm doing it. Yeah, we're just- Thank you for coming. I know many of you have had a very difficult road ahead. And one day we hope to cure this painful disease Yes, it's horrible. Is this work over time? That's it

Starting point is 01:14:49 Yeah over time was why do this and you know, have you ever lied about anything else? Yeah, it's I know it's tough out there But you know part of why I do this work is because this is the most rewarding work in the world If we get it, right just lie, what do you care? I mean, I just don't understand this question at all and keep being in the world if we get it right just lie what do you care I mean I just don't understand this question at all and keep being in the fucking you know this is just like again a guy with no empathy no social skills like a little bit of lying is great social lubricant. Well maybe stay in the lab maybe you know why are you talking why are you why are you

Starting point is 01:15:18 the fuck put you in a lab on a lectern. Why are you the front-facing person here? Stay in the thing, stay in the fucking lab, baby. Yeah, you need fluorescent lighting. You don't need to be out there, man. You don't need a lapel mic. Do gene sequencing. Yeah. All right, fuck that guy. Hey, what's up, Savi?

Starting point is 01:15:39 Love the show, thanks for doing what you do. Okay, my friend, I'm in a bit of a pickle So this is a long winded story. I'm gonna try and keep it short essentially my mom fell on homelessness for like the third time and She's been living with me in my 300 square foot studio Like not having a job being unemployed not paying rent for the last four months, going on five months. Jesus Christ. Yeah, so I'm just not really sure what to do about that. Her life is pretty tragic, has had lots of unfortunate series of events, so she doesn't really have anyone in her life besides me. I'm lucky enough I'm able to stay at my partner's house most of the

Starting point is 01:16:23 time, but I am just like, how am I going gonna get my mom out of my house? She has no money Yeah, she's not really willing to get a job. She won't go on unemployment. I've had her apply for government housing And for what it's worth, she's 65 years old So it's like, you know I've been telling her like to go to the gas station or something get a job at the gas station I live in a city so she has lots of options to work, I think. But I know it gets harder as people age. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:16:50 They're not necessarily like a vital person on the workforce. So I'm just in a pickle, man. This is a true. This is an actual pickle. By the way, the other guy was saying he was in a pickle because he ragged up ten dollars and five. He racked up $10 in fine. He racked up, now he had to pay $65 more than he thought. That's not a pickle. This is a pickle. There's a whole lot of other stuff that I could bring into this, but yeah.

Starting point is 01:17:16 We've had a pretty like tumultuous relationship too. She also has PTSD and paranoia. So there's definitely some like mental health things going on. But yeah, anyway, love what you do. Thanks, bye. I'll say this, as somebody whose mother was schizophrenic, and I don't know what this person's mental health situation is,

Starting point is 01:17:38 the real issue with someone that has a mental health thing, they never voluntarily seek help. It is very, very hard and very difficult for someone that has mental issues. Now again, I don't know. Yeah. But if they are paranoid and they're having issues, you know, there is a tough reality

Starting point is 01:17:58 where these issues tend to be progressive and degenerative. And they get worse if they're not adequately medicated. And even with medication, I'd watch my mother, you just passed away last year, but the last several years of her life were not great. It was tough because that's just the way it happens. The answer here, unfortunately, could be you may at a certain point have to have her committed to a facility. Yeah, because she is not going to be able

Starting point is 01:18:38 to live. She's going to need medication to just be able to be otherwise it could get worse. She might start being suspicious of you. It could get hard and that's the thing. Physical illness is very, we understand that in the culture. Mental illness is really, there's no money behind it. We don't research it. There's no mental health care. We don't understand it.

Starting point is 01:19:04 And I think that's why these things are just painful and tough because I think it's somebody who's asking, how do I deal with someone who seems to be having a real severe mental issue? Yeah, yeah, and I think like, you got, I think, yeah, somewhere, institution, whatever, also it's like you have done a lot here. And at a certain point, I think,

Starting point is 01:19:26 if there's one thing I would say is like, can you maybe, you know, you've already said you've had her apply for government housing and she won't do unemployment, but it's like, I mean, if anything, it's like, can you go to a social worker here? Like, I don't understand, is there somebody who can help her that you don't have to basically try, you're essentially her social worker here? Like I don't understand, is there somebody who can help her

Starting point is 01:19:45 that you don't have to basically try it? You're essentially her social worker right now. It's so difficult, here's the problem. Yeah. And I mean, my aunt, not me, I was younger, my aunt went through all of this. God is it brutal getting some, because they just, you are unfortunately, I will be very honest with you,

Starting point is 01:20:06 you're gonna have to do a lot of it. You're gonna have to get Medicare to pay for it. You're gonna have to say, you're gonna have to go get a doctor to give her a diagnosis. You're gonna have to get her into a facility. You're gonna have to get that paid for. It is difficult, it is shitty. We have a terrible healthcare system

Starting point is 01:20:24 and it's very, very difficult. It is shitty. We have a terrible health care system and It's very very difficult But the good news is at the end of that she will be in a facility where she'll get a level of care That you cannot provide in your home, right? Yeah I mean, that's the thing here is it like you have to figure either that out you have to go because right now You're going through a lot for maybe no outcome but like you gotta have I do it does sound like you're headed that way and can I just give one quick sure other I want to give a counterpoint always please please please please killer yeah yep let her get her favorite snacks one day I regret sometimes not taking my mother out for a deep dish pizza

Starting point is 01:21:07 and blowing her head off? My mother was so vicious and cruel to me. I won't give her a room on this because if you lose weight, someone might give you money to fix your teeth. Wow. I don't even know what that means. But it's there so mean. You're thinking about mental illness.

Starting point is 01:21:21 When someone's dying of a physical illness, but when they know it's but when they're when mental illness they're tough They're tough. They were like we'd be like my patty want to get you help. She'd be like fuck all of you You've done nothing for me. Yeah, it's hard man I my heart goes out to this person and I know what this is very difficult and and and I will say the other thing is You have to look you're doing your best, you're doing what, you're doing your sort of familial obligations. I think another, she says she's the only person your mom has, and you, I think following what Tim's saying

Starting point is 01:21:55 and seeing if she can get somewhere, like if government housing's not gonna do it, if a facility's what it is, whatever, you have to make that effort, but also at a certain point, you also have to recognize that, especially since you say you have a make that effort. But also at a certain point, you also have to recognize that especially since you say you have a tumultuous relationship, you know, this is one thing if it was like your perfect mom who helped you through everything, but if this is somebody

Starting point is 01:22:12 who's been tough in your life, and it's also, it can only affect your life so much, I guess, is really what it comes down to, as sad as it is. At a certain point, you have to live your own life. And so I would say make a general effort to see if you can get this kind of assistance. You know, if living somewhere, like some kind of facility is what it is, whatever.

Starting point is 01:22:34 But after that, you can't not have a house because your mom refuses to get a fucking job. And that's very difficult and that's very painful, but you also have to kind of prepare yourself for that time where you're like, okay Well, you put her you have to put her in a place where they can give her care and then you visit her and you Do the right thing but you cannot provide The care she needs. Yeah, you're one you're one person. Yeah Yeah, that is fucking nuts. Hey

Starting point is 01:23:03 What would you go visit? What do you do you like is it like you go to camp? Is it like finger painting? What are we don't know you just really go talk to them? And they're they're in you know varying degrees like sometimes what they like to do is they like to turn down the medicine So they like to save money And they like to turn down the medicine and then you'll go in and she'll be really crazy and really suspicious and paranoid It's telling you all these crazy things And you'll you'll go to the head nurse and and then you got to go to the administrator and I went I threatened to sue Them all I'm like you got to give her the fucking medicine. Yes come

Starting point is 01:23:37 I just used the word lawyer as soon as you use the word lawyer then they up the medicine Medicine man, it's it fucking sucks. Yeah, and the up the medicine. Because you're trying to cut the medicine, man. It fucking sucks. And the thing that's tough is you, as a kid, can't do anything. Totally. You can only try to make it easier for them to get care and put them in a situation where they can get it. Listen, my mother, I don't know what this woman is,

Starting point is 01:24:07 but my mother has schizophrenia, that's an incurable degenerative mental illness. It doesn't get better, you can mitigate it. So you just gotta live with it and try to do the best you can. Yeah, same thing, I help members of my family out, but I'm lucky to have the money to do it and also It is mostly money like I don't have to like I check in whatever but it's like you can help as much as you can

Starting point is 01:24:33 But you can't do more than that, you know what I mean? You can't overstretch yourself. You can't like you can't like be there constantly And so you've already done a lot and you know, it a whirl whatever, but I've done a lot now It's time to do now. It's time to Take her out Fuck you for it. Give her some concrete slippers and take her to the you know take her to the fucking go clam Go get her. It's all right calamari Do her like they did big pussy, that's right on the Sopranos

Starting point is 01:25:13 Baby LD yes Look man. I'm in a predicament. Okay, my best friend His wife cheated on him, like, I don't know, four or five different times now. And every time that this happens, he comes to me, I'm his shoulder to cry on, I'm there for him, I support him.

Starting point is 01:25:42 I may have gotten a little overboard in the whole fuck that bitch parade They keep making up and I don't really I don't know how to become Okay, my question is is I don't really know how to become friends with her again My question is is I don't really know how to become friends with her again After yeah all the bullshit. She's put my friend through I guess I'm just really looking for some advice, you know, do I? You know keep this woman out of distance. Do I you know?

Starting point is 01:26:22 try to Make up with her for my friend's sake. I feel like it's driving the wedge between my friend and I. I'd appreciate any advice you have on it. Thanks buddy, bye. That's a really impressive move on her part is not only has she cucked this guy five times, but she's isolated him from his friends. It's like that's very impressive. Again, it's one of those where you go. I don't know the question

Starting point is 01:26:47 I wouldn't have a relationship with this woman at all Yeah, and and and you know you serve a purpose in this guy's life, right you like if they because I think people say about you know infidelity whatever is it like If you decide to try and fix it you have to let it go right the people have to let it go They have to have that relationship They have to build on it But the friends don't have to let it go the friend is there to remind you and to be there to your support system It's like you got to be there if she cheat because what happens if she cheats again

Starting point is 01:27:18 Like this woman has to slowly gain back your trust But right now yeah fuck like I don't want anything to do with anybody who cheated on one of my friends I think if you cheat on somebody five times I mean this is just a gas you might not stop five times my five times I might not stop yes not shame on you in fact I bet she's still doing it yeah you're probably right So like I don't even know I think you just gotta you know, yeah I mean what what is what do you you obviously you don't refresh this one?

Starting point is 01:27:51 But what's your advice to your friend like he gets back to her. You're like dude. I think this is a fucking bad idea I don't exactly it's like it's five times. It's gonna happen again You can you can put draw a line in the sand and they could be like, hey, Want to hang out with you? You're my boy, but don't bring this fucking bitch I think it's a mistake for you to be in this relationship Yeah, you have to do one or the other you have to either draw that line and say she's gonna be you think she's you think She's done sucking strange cock if she's not stopping at five pal Oh, and by the way five is what she's admitted to. Are you mentally ill? Are you insane?

Starting point is 01:28:29 He caught her with five. Five is what she's willing to come to the table with. She's like, all right, he's not going to buy two. I can't tell him eight is a little much to admit to. It's 14. I'll land on five. Oh my god. To it's 14 So yeah, just say look dude, this is a fucking mistake you shouldn't get back with her I don't want to be involved in this but you're my boy. I will always support you. Let's hang out But I don't want anything to do with her

Starting point is 01:28:57 That's how you fucking handle it and then if he does cut you out then whatever fucking me Let him get cucked for the rest of his life I'm just trying to think of what what friends of mine that this would happen to. But you know, not a lot of cucks in my circle. Cowards, not cucks though. It's also on the friend after a certain time because let's say I came in, you're back the tenth time that she cheated on you, like what are we doing here? I don't even have like anything else to say to you right now. That's true. definitely have had conversations friends where I'm like, you know, how it's not even cock

Starting point is 01:29:29 But it's like just like they complain about their job that right time or even a relationship, right? Let's say it's not even getting cucked. It's just like they complain about the same shit over and over again. You're like You know, this is a problem. I'm tired of hearing about it. Don't fucking tell me quit or shut the fuck up I don't want to hear about your job. So it's like, you know, sometimes it's tough love Yeah, and you should have sex with his wife. You should fuck his wife I mean at this point, I think that's the only thing with the kissy what all the fuss is about, right? How good is the pussy the only way you know if it's worth him going back is if you get a little taste test a little Costco sample is the pussy? The only way you know if it's worth him going back is if you get a little taste test, a little Costco sample of the pussy.

Starting point is 01:30:06 Stobby baby, Elvis, revered guest, I'm really hoping you can help me out with this one. It's a little raunchy. I am a barber at a barber shop and I work with almost solely women, clearly cutting men's hair. Now, there is one female in particular who I like as a person, but cannot, and cannot, by any stretch of the imagination, handle her smell. Her smell?

Starting point is 01:30:42 It's clearly a hygiene issue. See, it's to the extent that I we have a single person restroom, and I cannot under any circumstance, no matter how bad I have to pee can follow her in there. It is awful. And again, we're barbers. We are right up on our clients more often than not. Touching and cutting and even beard trims. And it's not just her body odor as much as it's also her mouth, her breath. She just is foul smelling and there is such a fine line between being offensive and trying to help a girl out girl to girl, but this is

Starting point is 01:31:27 and she's a heavier girl so I'm trying really hard to uh diligently find a way to bring this up to her. This is tough. It's my problem um I'm not the only one and I hate being a part of you know the gossip around but at what point this one of us bring it up And how how would you do it help me? To an anonymous note Here's what you do ready you do a company dunk tank and he fix it So she's the one who has to you fill it with dove soap right with the soap they used to clean Little ducks after an oil. That's right. You fucking coat this

Starting point is 01:32:09 Smelly bitch in that shit you fucking hit her with this and you dunk her over and over again You get a nice froth going. Can you frame her for stealing? Is there a way to frame her like Open her pocket with a guitar and they go, Get this fat bitch out of here! Oh, this money smells like shit! She must have been hiding under her fat tits! That fat bitch is a thief!

Starting point is 01:32:38 You pointed her and you said that, That fat bitch is a thief! And then she's kicked out! There's no good way to do it, right? There's no good way to do it. There's no good way to do it. Dude, imagine the high stakes game of rock paper scissors happening in the lounge of this barber shop about who has to tell her. Look, there's no good way to tell her. But, I mean, honestly, who's the supervisor?

Starting point is 01:33:02 This is bord is a job for the supervisor This is like this because it's especially if it's a if it's a but it's nobody else complaining or her clients not complaining It's no man the freaks that want her like I'll take her I want her Yeah, like can't you take a walk around the tissue? You take a brisk walk around there down? Yeah, I mean I do actually think this whoever is the boss here cuz it is if I'm going to a barbershop Smells like shit. I mean cuz it is honestly professionalism to some degree and it's like like if you I think about like growing up in in city schools and they're being like A poor kid that came in smelling like shit

Starting point is 01:33:43 Yeah, and it would be like the teacher would have a discussion with him and then his family to like fix it. It's like hygiene is such a basic human thing. Something is happening where this girl, there's a disconnect. And you'll meet, listen, we're of the plus size community. We have brothers and sisters in the community

Starting point is 01:34:02 that for whatever, maybe it's because the smell is coming from somewhere so far from their nose Yeah, they can't bring it up when you have so much mass But I just had to go buy a suit at at a plus-size store Sure, and there was a gentleman in there also shopping boy. Oh boy. Did my man smell musty and yes He was fat as shit, and that's also a fear I don't know about you that was always a fear of me growing up. You don't want to be the smelly No, I think it's so easy to avoid Even work comic so a lot of our skinny friends smell like shit. That's true. Yeah

Starting point is 01:34:36 Yeah, that is true. We also are friends with like very filthy Sure, and in fact before she said he is people are terrible I've got stick sure before she said... Some of the skinniest people are terrible. Disgusting, Smell like, sure. Yeah, yeah. Before she said she's a bigger girl, I was kind of thinking like... Methi again. ...Kinda crush punk, methi, barber. So here's what I would say. Frame her for stealing. Get her fired.

Starting point is 01:34:52 Hide something in her purse or something. Here's something. Or don't even have her frame her. Leave a delicious tiramisu in the refrigerator. It'll only be a matter of time just he takes a bite It's hard yeah, yeah, there is no good way Tough one though. Yeah, I say leave that up to the boss Draw straws, whatever and if you have to have the conversation to be like, hey, I

Starting point is 01:35:19 Mean, yeah, there's no there's no like you got a rotten pussy It's rotted you don't smell that rotted gas Something's wrong with you You've got bacteria Fuck yeah, just we're gonna want you got a shower before you get I don't even know what you fucking say But yeah, I would I would leave this to the boss and if you're the boss you just be like hey We've had a couple complaint, you know, I little complaint everything okay like yeah, there's some minor hygiene stuff But it is kind of you know we're certain you literally get to it as like we provide a service

Starting point is 01:35:56 We're this service industry, and it's like you got to smell fresher you're coming There's a little there is a little you can even you just got to say there's a little body odor We know you're a big fat hog Are you getting under all the creases? We get it we hired you knowing that We like that about you It's fun to have a fat somebody fat in the mix warming us. Yeah, but yeah, I don't know. This is a tough one damn Whoo, thank God If somebody fattened the mix. They're warming us. Yeah, but yeah, I don't know. This is a tough one, damn.

Starting point is 01:36:25 Whew, thank God. Thank God I don't have... The fat smelly guy's a tough guy. You felt so, I felt so bad for them. And they were musty. Like it smelled like there was like mold growing on their titty flaps or something. Hey, sorry baby, and esteemed guest, Alda.

Starting point is 01:36:44 So I don't know if it's advice or why I'm really calling other than to not go crazy. But my husband and I have been together for 15 years and married for 10. And this motherfucker put me fucking his dick on a porn website. What? And I got like a bad feeling. And I'm not like, I'm a cool like chick. Yeah. Like I'm a good wife, like all the things.

Starting point is 01:37:13 That's crazy. Insane. And it fucking went way deeper than just that. And I'm just gonna leave that there and your imagination can go where it wants. What do you mean you're gonna leave it there? But it's fucking sad. We have a seven and a half year old son

Starting point is 01:37:28 and I'm about to be 38. I just don't know how I'm ever gonna trust anyone again. Yeah, this is tough. And I know it's possible and yeah, then I do therapy thing and all that shit. I'm just like so fucked up from this. Yeah. And like, I don't wanna date.

Starting point is 01:37:49 And I know it's like, eventually I will, but I just, what is that, like is there, are there people out there for like a 38 year old mom? For sure. I don't know. Well first of all, unfortunately, I'm sure you racked up some views. Are there people out there for like a 38 year old mom? First of all, unfortunately, I'm sure you racked up some views So, you know, there are people that are interested in you on some level. So there is that that's bad. It's not We're not happy but it's like People this is a problem because it was seen, right? Like, yes, this is like you are, you know, it's not, your desirability has nothing to do here.

Starting point is 01:38:30 There are definitely people out there who are into you, who you can find. This is about you, because this was an insane betrayal of, like, the person you have a fucking child with. It's actually illegal. It's literally illegal. It's a crime. Like, your husband committed a sex crime against you Yeah, of course. This is gonna fuck you up. So anyway, let's finish them. Let's hear out completely, but I don't know I'm sure there is but it's just I'm feeling super discouraged

Starting point is 01:38:56 just out the humanity So I know that like big football fans I'm a lunch lady. Oh, yeah Smoke weed all the stuff getting hard right now. I like you to grow things listen to sobby worried all the things and so I don't know Anyway, give me some advice or just tell me that it's gonna be okay

Starting point is 01:39:29 Anyway, can't wait for your company to do I'll be there. All right. See you there. But yeah, this goes back to what we're saying It's like you it will be okay You are clearly cool somebody you will find somebody when you're ready to but you are dealing with a fuck. I mean this is next level Next level it's you have a kid with some like it's not just why are you married the mother of your child? It's like it's lit. It's a lit. It's a crime. It's a crime and not only that it's just an insane The purr exactly you he trying to help her? Is he trying to, yeah.

Starting point is 01:40:07 You know what I mean? The economy, just to make a broader point about interest rates. Sure, sure, sure. Sure, sure. No, but I mean, I think this is really fucked up in all seriousness, I think you should get out of there. I don't think, I mean, I hate to say it,

Starting point is 01:40:23 but I don't think like a guy who would Do that is is so reckless for sure this son with you. That's a no-brainer You know brain there's gotta run gotta be and and by the way feel like you don't want to date Feel like all this stuff totally natural you when you decide to come back around and date whatever You'll be ready. There will be people there for you to come back around and date whatever, you'll be ready, there'll be people there for you. But look, take your time, truly take your time. You also have a kid you can focus on. Go down to Portland, go down to Hat Yai, get some shallot fried chicken, a little Indian curry. It's a great town there in Portland. It's a good, good eating town, good hanging

Starting point is 01:41:00 out town. Just take a second. Of course you feel discouraged. You had a horrific, horrific thing happen to you that is going to destabilize your trust, but right now you're in like the aftermath of it. Don't give yourself any timeline, don't start dating before you feel ready. You have a full life, you have a kid, you have, you know, you know, you got to fucking get some fucking sloppy Joe's going You got you got you to worry about worry about yourself rebuild we talk about all the time It's funny because a woman who's like been this devastated by a truly horrific Betrayal it's almost like the same advice. We give incels which is like

Starting point is 01:41:42 Take your time improve upon yourself same advice we give incels, which is like, take your time, improve upon yourself, get your self-esteem up, work on yourself, do stuff that makes you feel empowered. Well, when she said I'm gonna leave it there and it goes much deeper than that, it tells me that she needs to run from away. For sure.

Starting point is 01:41:57 And she needs to spend some time processing what the hell just happened. 100%, 100%. Yeah, and she said it. She's going through there, but she's doing all this shit. So we're just here to reassure you you're doing all the right stuff Don't rush anything. You got a cool kid to worry about you definitely don't want it Look, he's got one of two role models to choose from you definitely want to be the one that he

Starting point is 01:42:19 Gravitates towards got a cool job. She's clearly like probably an amazing mom. Yes all this stuff. I think you're gonna find a guy That's gonna be a totally different Speed you'll find you'll especially important. You don't think you find somebody who wants to be a stepfather in Portland Yeah in Oregon all they come on You're gonna get somebody you're gonna and they're gonna be a lot better and I bet in a few years from now you look back At this and you see was a weird blessing in disguise because now you found someone a lot better Yes, absolutely in the long run that is true because either that or you're just like with a secret sociopath the rest of your life, right? And that person's name is Elon Musk

Starting point is 01:43:05 Congratulations, you're gonna be the richest and most famous woman in the world! Yeah, he's got to have a couple more. He only has fucking ten kids. I love rich people who just are literally like behave. It's like, it's just like... Like trailer park. Yeah, it's trailer park shit. It's like, you know, what like stuffy people make fun of, trash for doing. It's like that's how the richest people just they nut wherever they please That's so um what do you got out something nice for us to go out on here? I? Saw one that I really liked earlier, okay, and there was something about a gay guy who?

Starting point is 01:43:38 We doesn't want to break up with Because play that one, Elvis. You want me to play this one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, Elvis, and esteemed guests, I got a problem. I'm gay. Yes. And I'm in a relationship. And we just aren't a match. And I need to know, how do I break up with this dude? Like we're both in recovery, and I know when I break up with him. He's going to relapse

Starting point is 01:44:08 That's how do I do this in a way that? He doesn't really up, you know, like we just don't I don't know. We're just not a match like You know comedy is a really big just the humor is really big in my life. And he just doesn't get my sense of humor. You know, whenever I try to play with him or do funny jokes, he just is like a deer in headlights and just doesn't get it. Or is he withdrawing from pills?

Starting point is 01:44:38 I got to get them to the curb. I don't know what else to do. But I'm afraid that he's going to do something dumb when I break up with him. So how do I do this and not fuck this dude's life up so any advice you'd be great thanks this poor guy's withdrawing like you said and this guy's doing a borscht belt yeah he's got a fight and slide whistle he's thinking about the disgusting things he used to do for crack. And this guy's like, hello, my baby.

Starting point is 01:45:06 Hello, my darling. It's just so funny to me because I love like the best thing in the world is like, listen, obviously I'm sober 14 years. You got it. You're responsible for your own life. But there is something funny to break up with somebody who goes, now listen, I know you're going to kill yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:45:23 I know you're going to relapse and kill yourself. 100%. Because I'm the only reason keeping you. I know you're gonna kill yourself. Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know you're gonna relapse in a hundred percent because I am the only reason I'm the best baby I'm the only thing keeping you from sucking dick. Yeah. Yeah, maybe you and your whoopee cushions aren't that necessary Maybe it's gonna relapse because you keep clowning You're doing my man You're doing mime activity. The guy's on Suboxone. He's just trying to get cereal down his throat and go to a job interview. And you keep doing fucking like some weird vaudevillian act. Yeah, dude. That's the thing. Don't worry. Look, you can't, ultimately you can't't This is not on you if you're on something you're both in recovery Like you could say the same thing about you about this guilt could fuck you up and you can't you cannot

Starting point is 01:46:12 Make this about you. You could just be nice about it, you know, whatever and You can't but you can't stay in a relationship For guilt you can't stay in a relationship because you fear what might happen. And your dream is to do, to be funny it seems like. Comedy is a really big, big sense of humor is really big in my life and he just doesn't get my sense of humor. You know, whenever I try to play with him or do funny jokes. Yeah, do funny jokes. By the way, that's exactly what someone's partner is doing, doing funny jokes. He's

Starting point is 01:46:43 just like a deer in headlights and just doesn't get it. Can you imagine that scene? Yeah. A guy's just sitting there trying to pick up the pieces of his broken life. And then his boyfriend. He's just so on.

Starting point is 01:46:56 His boyfriend won't stop ripping. His boyfriend's doing bits? Yeah. Yeah. I mean. Just puns. Just the worst. I mean, I am just unfortunately imagining Ian right now

Starting point is 01:47:05 Like I know it's like imagine if your life is like falling apart and Ian's like hey, man Just fucking playing scoffs. Why don't you skank? Let's skank man. He's like I've just been I just got rejected from Target in Walmart My parole officer is not gonna be happy about this. How do I do this to not fuck this guy's life? It's like whatever man. It's like man. I think it's like already fucked his life's fucked, bro You know and look you just can't stay in this Whatever he'll get you gotta find somebody who likes your bits who likes your bits. They're out there Yeah, there's gotta need someone who's less annoying it sounds like but yeah, it's just you can't fucking stay in a relationship

Starting point is 01:47:45 for guilt reasons and break it down. I'm also curious how much of recovery you guys are in, whatever, but this can't, don't they say you're not supposed to date for this exact reason, the first part of recovery? First year, you're supposed to be some, but that's not official. Sure, sure, sure.

Starting point is 01:48:06 But either way. You know, I bet he will be able to move on with his life, and although he will miss you riffing on Wicked, I'm sure he'll be able to do it. That's my guess, I don't know. Yeah, I agree, I agree. I'm no expert. be able to do it. That's my guess. I don't know. Yeah, I agree. I know. Expert. That's a good one. All right. Well, Tim, thanks for doing the show, man.

Starting point is 01:48:30 Thank you for having so fun. Of course. Just like truly just like it's crazy that it was literally 10 years ago. Ten years ago. Twenty twenty five when we were in this neighborhood. Yeah. Lived in this neighborhood. I was the time flies. Still some of the best food in the world. It's awesome we lived in this neighborhood. I was living here. The time flies. Still some of the best food in the world.

Starting point is 01:48:47 It's awesome, I do love it here. It's the best, I love it. Even if I get an apartment somewhere else, we're keeping the studio here so that I can just come back. I think that it is... There's something about doing it in Queens. Of course.

Starting point is 01:48:59 It's like making a famous person come to Queens is so funny. No, dude, Queens is still the best, I think. Brooklyn and Queens, and Manhattan has its charms too sure You know you got fucking Set you know sexy sexy models running around some of the most evil people in the world Yeah, those evil people were talking about that are nameless. You don't know they're in Manhattan. They're in Manhattan Here's the problem. They're no longer nameless.

Starting point is 01:49:29 In fact, they're doing, they're going to start doing stand up. They all have podcasts. This is how it ends. The world ends with the scions of the dynasties of wealth doing stand up comp. That's how it ends. It's how it ends. Like you heard, it's how it ends, dude. And it's how fitting in a country like America, there's no other way for it to end than a bunch of Illuminati billionaires on stage

Starting point is 01:49:53 going like, fucking, the thing about fucking AI, you know, and just a confused audience kind of banging their heads. And yeah. No, you're right, you're right. That's how it all ends. A great great, like the eighth Rockefeller, great great great grandson of the Rockefellers. He might be at the stand tonight, who knows.

Starting point is 01:50:14 That's gonna do it for us folks. We will see you next week. Come see us on the Dreamboat tour and we will see you next week. Bye bye. Bye bye. Music Music Music Music Music

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Stavvy's World - #119 - Tim Dillon

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