Stavvy's World - #140 - Mike Mitchell

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Starting point is 00:00:19 If you have questions or concerns about gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connex Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. BenMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. Hey gang we got an awesome episode coming up with Mike Mitchell. First wanted to let you know in case you don't I'm coming to London September 6th and 7th I think the 6th is sold out we added the 7th. Coming to Dublin that's almost sold out and then Manchester September 13th want to see you there and then stateside come November we're coming to Memphis on the 6th of November, Huntsville Alabama the

Starting point is 00:00:54 7th, Chattanooga the 8th, Knoxville the 9th, Asheville North Carolina the 10th, Greensboro the 12th, Wilmington 14th, 15th, Myrtle Beach we're getting nasty with it November 16th and then Austin, Texas and Boston, Massachusetts. Austin on the 22nd, Boston the 13th. Three shows have sold out in Boston. We've added a fourth. And Austin, we have one sold out. We're halfway through the second one. So buy your tickets now. They're going fast, folks. Now without further ado, let's get Mike Mitchell in here. Welcome everybody to Stavisworld. 904-800-STOP.

Starting point is 00:01:28 Call in, we'll solve all your problems. Alright Moe, there you go. Fade it out you motherfucker, Jesus Christ. I want to mock Eldis, but you're not doing me any favors when the guest producer's doing worse than he usually does, man. And Eldis is that piece of shit, by the way, everyone. Let's just get that on record. He is on his first of three vacations this summer. So I have decided, you know what? I don't need Eldis. We're coming to Los Angeles.

Starting point is 00:01:57 I'm Hollywood Halkus. I'm gonna get some Hollywood heavy hitters on the pod. Starting with my boy, Mike, twisted metal zone, Mike Mitchell. What's up? I cover the heavy part of that. I don't know if I'm a hitter, but I am heavy. No, you're the man. Mike, you're a great, I mean, it's funny that, yeah, I mean, we're both, podcast bro, of course,

Starting point is 00:02:20 you might, many know you from Doughboys, but also great, a podcaster, like most podcasters. It's a huge bailout. Yeah, right. You have an actual acting career. You've been some good stuff. You're a good actor. That's kind of you to say you're a good actor. So I mean, I like having the label of podcasters does suck. It's brutal for you. Yeah, you have been you were you've been acting for a while and you've been in good you know you were in love you're like you're like tomorrow or you've been in some

Starting point is 00:02:48 real projects. Yeah. But yes people me too where it's I've got a lot of fake stuff too as I'm sure you have a lot of bullshit. You know of course but things no one will ever see which is good. No one will ever see but but yes it's the same thing where it's like podcast or will be whether we like it or not it's going to be the thing that leads the same thing where it's like podcast or will be, whether we like it or not, it's gonna be the thing that leads the, the obituary, yeah, the obituary that's coming sooner.

Starting point is 00:03:12 I was gonna say, our tombstones which are being chiseled. Oh yeah, dude. I was gonna say the New York Times, but it's like the vulture comedy section Like you know how they have like we don't add you Queen Elizabeth obituary ready to go They have ours at any moment They have they have fat podcasters obituaries ready to go

Starting point is 00:03:37 They just need to put the dates that it happens in memoriam is at the Del Close Marathon Yeah, they're gonna do my memoriam at at the Magoobies Joke House, new comedian of the year 2026 contest. They're gonna play a slide show while they tabulate the votes for which open mic or gets to, you know, open for Eddie Griffin. And that's the that was the prize I won when I was new comedian. Did you really? 2012? Who gets open Gronk? How did that go? Was it like a... It was insane.

Starting point is 00:04:07 I mean, he's awesome. He was on some... You know what? He seems... Like, his... Fully insane. Fully insane, yes. And he was talking about...

Starting point is 00:04:18 I have to give him credit because he was talking about vaccine conspiracy theories in 2000... 2000. This was this was 2013. Yes. Yeah. And he was talking about he was very anti Obama. He was he was he was like he was like he thought Obama was actually going to be the president that gave us the vaccine that we didn't want to take. So when the when the COVID came around he was close when COVID came around I was watching a lot of Eddie's YouTube, because I needed to see how he was going to respond. And he was pumped about it. And he was talking about he thought he was going to make a zombies, though. That was his whole thing.

Starting point is 00:04:56 In a way, he was right. He's right. Made us all libtards. It libed us all out. As you know, I have long COVID. Or I got sick a year and a half ago. And I've read so many long COVID things. It's like, try like methylene blue.

Starting point is 00:05:11 And I'm like, maybe. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, please. Yeah, people say that it completely fucks your brain up, right? That it just kind of gives you like. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:05:18 I mean, people are like, if you take it too long, you can turn blue. I was like, I don't think you can take this shit to turn you blue. Methylene blue comes up every once in a while. Some guy was like, some part of a doomsday, like preppers were talking about it. Oh, right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:05:32 And now they're blue forever. There's videos of those guys, or pictures of those guys, it's very funny. They straight up look like Smurfs. Which is good, in Hollywood can be good. I also, I'm on a GL glp1 and then and and I started I've like I went from not medicated to fully medicated in the last two months and now I just do have like A thing in the middle of my palm the mark of the beast. Do you have a stigmata?

Starting point is 00:05:59 Jesus is trying to get all the woke medicine out of your veins He's trying to get the vaccine out of you. Every night when you go to sleep, Jesus weeps and he tries to suck out the vaccine from your bloodstream like it's a rattlesnake bite. Both hit gravy coming out of both hands. That's fucking hilarious, dude. Yeah, the older I get, the more I'm like, yeah, load me up with medicine. I don't want to die.

Starting point is 00:06:28 That was that what I talked to my doctor and I was like, uh, cause he, everyone was like, I've asked my doctor for like, for, you know, like Ozempic or whatever. And my doctor two years in a row was like, you should take, it was on his knees. Please get like, please get on those. He's crying. Dude, I have the same thing where I was like, when I decided to fucking, I was like, all right, if I go on tour and I gain weight again, I'll die.

Starting point is 00:06:57 Because basically what happened to me is every time I go on tour, I just gain 20 pounds, minimum. Yes. And so I was about to go on a three month tour earlier in this year. I had been losing a little weight on my own and I was like, fuck it, let me get, you know. And I didn't have a doctor at the time, so I had to get just a guy that you pay. Like probably similar to the guy Mulaney is describing in his special. You know what I mean like he never made me

Starting point is 00:07:25 He never made me get shirtless, but like it is a guy that feels a little like if you have enough money I'll get you whatever you want right so I didn't if they found you dead. He would like go to court of course He would be wearing probably a hilarious outfit. You know what I mean like he wouldn't he doesn't own a regular suit Yeah, he's in it But so he would just give me whatever I wanted. But everyone had prepared me for the insurance company, being like, look, they're just not. Insurance companies won't.

Starting point is 00:07:51 And dude, I have never had an insurance company have a swifter approval of anything. Did they really? They were like, oh, yeah. That fucking rules. They were like, you need this shit. So that's borderline diabetic. And they still were like, I'm on like Anthem. Oh, wow. were like, no, no, I'm on like anthem.

Starting point is 00:08:07 Oh, wow. I'm on the sag. I'm on sag. Are you on sag? No, no, no. I'm on some other shit. And they were and they denied it. And really?

Starting point is 00:08:15 Yeah, so I pay out of pocket, which sucks. Sag, you feel like the actor ones, it's like that's the ones that, you know. Which is funny. I guess Hollywood, the Hollywood ones, only the elite, only the elite ghettos empty. If you're just a working actor, podcaster, you have to pay out of pocket, dude.

Starting point is 00:08:31 That's where your Patreon's going, to Mike's fucking step-bound. You're, I guess, saving my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, we had an immediate fat guy bond, you and I. Of course, of course. We're on a fat guy there is X chain We are in a fact I text him. We won't we won't out the other fat. We won't we won't

Starting point is 00:08:49 We are trying to start an elite fat guy cabal in Hollywood You know cuz together I think we have we have to decide we're gonna try it I think we should try and destroy the other fat guys The four of us or the other two ones.? No, no, the ones, the four. OK, yeah, yeah. The ones on our chain. Yeah, fuck yeah. We need to start taking them down one by one.

Starting point is 00:09:10 You know what I mean? I mean, this is the funny thing. I'm sure that you know this too, where I'm like, do I want to take this drug that will make me lose weight? And then I like being big. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like food. Those are the two things I like.

Starting point is 00:09:23 And then it's like, will I not get cast as like, will I just like be out of work? Will I be like, you're done. See dude, like you have nothing. Yeah, you're just a weird not fat guy. You're just a strange. You're like, I'm an ugly man now? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:09:36 Yeah, dude. I know, I don't, people tell me, I guess it's just, this is the like delusion of what makes you think you can work In show business anyway, I really don't give a fuck I also we've also had this discussion where it's like I could lose a lot of weight. Yes, and still be fat Yeah, you know, it's like it's like I don't I could still be Hollywood fat You know what? I mean like worst-case scenario, you know what I mean? Like I would need a lot

Starting point is 00:10:03 I need to lose weight to get to the point Brendan Fraser got to to play the whale. You know what I mean? Like, I could lose weight and get to the point that a regular actor gets to to play fat. Like, that's me after two more years of hard work, is like, what a non-fat actor, when they gain weight. Like, Stallone in Copland?

Starting point is 00:10:21 Oh yeah. That's my dream physique. Oh, 100%. You know what I mean? He looks fucking awesome. That's like, when I was like 22 years old, I wish I looked like Stallone in Copland? Oh yeah. That's my dream physique. Oh, 100%. You know what I mean? He looks fucking awesome. That's like when I was like 22 years old, I wish I looked like Stallone in Copland. Which he like famously, for you guys who don't know, famously put on.

Starting point is 00:10:32 That was like his play at winning an Oscar, I guess, because he was like gained a bunch of weight. And I think the movie didn't do that well at the time, but it's a banger movie. It's awesome. I fucking love that movie. It's such a great, great movie. You guys should check out Copland. You blew it, the big De Niro. Oh dude, the

Starting point is 00:10:47 De Niro. You blew it. It's incredible. To me, it's one of De Niro's line reads right up there with, nah, a little bit. You disrespect them a little bit. You know what I mean? Those two stand out so much. And of course, I have nipples,ipples Greg can you milk me? It's kind of in that big three of De Niro line reads. That was also like now De Niro is like nearly a comedian. I feel like every movie he's done for like the last five years has been comedy which bums me out. But also like you're saying we're like I mean if you combined us right now we are 600 pounds. Oh dude we're so fat. We're putting this this this couch is the couch is being put to a test today. It's tough, it's tough, absolutely.

Starting point is 00:11:29 But yeah I don't know dude, I mean there is, the other thing is I could lose weight, I'll still have my fat identity. I have a breakfast burrito stain on these new shorts that's pissing me off. Were you a stained kid, were you of that kind of fat guy? You know it's funny, I was like a beautiful blonde little boy.

Starting point is 00:11:45 Oh no. Until what age, like how old are we talking? Right around like fifth grade middle school, like when I got to middle school, I actually genuinely remember in middle school, like being at a dance and then like three or four different girls asked me to dance and I was like, this is pretty fucking awesome. Whoa, hell yeah. And I like didn't know what to do and then like within that year like I like, you know Like when in like cartoons were like a mouse will drink like the monster juice

Starting point is 00:12:14 Chase the cat around exactly what I like it like it was yeah here I was like and like acne started to come and then it was just like no No, you pretty made you fat few and it would always be like it would always be like a roller coaster and then when I just like, no, no, no. Puberty made you fat. Puberty, and it would always be like, it would always be like a roller coaster. And then when I look at myself in high school now, I was like, I was thin. I was like 200 pounds, but then in high school,

Starting point is 00:12:32 that's like a fat guy or whatever. Well, it was all in your head for sure. Yeah, I mean, that was a part of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I didn't look, I looked like shit. I did look horrible for a really long time. Yeah. And that stayed with me forever.

Starting point is 00:12:44 I also think that like, when you have acne, you can't. I couldn't look people in the eye for it. You know what I mean? I was looking down at their feet and shit like that. Interesting. That was the other sad part of it. But I was like, I remember I wrestled for a year, and there was a guy who the closest guy to my weight

Starting point is 00:13:03 was like 70 pounds bigger. And so like when we were doing exercises, I had to carry him on my back. And I was like, I weigh 100 pounds less than this fucking guy. So I wasn't like I wasn't the huge I wasn't like huge in high school. But I was like, I'd say fat. I'd say people would call me a fat guy. Now, when you were a beautiful little boy, do you remember what life was like? I swear to God, like I still will like,

Starting point is 00:13:25 I'll have dreams of like running. When you're like nine. I was like, I don't dream ever because I have severe sleep apnea. Right there with your brother. But I use a CPAP so I am like, I'm dreaming a little bit now. But when I was like a nine or 10 year old,

Starting point is 00:13:43 I was like, I'll have dreams old, I was like a fat, like I'll have dreams about being a boy again and running around. And I'll wake up and I'll be sad. And I'm like. That's so fascinating. Cause like, that's interesting because I have been, we do have like, we have an absolute fat guy bond, no question.

Starting point is 00:13:59 Yes. But we have gotten to, you know, fat adulthood in different ways because I was just your textbook fat little kid who was like, kind of like, gets his cheeks pinched by old ladies. Like, you know, cute little fat guy. Like, I've told the story in the pod, but it was like, I auditioned for that Bruce Willis movie,

Starting point is 00:14:22 The Kid. Oh, shit. Did you really? But it was like an open audition. It wasn't like. I auditioned for Dennis the Menace., The Kid. Oh shit, did you really? But it was like an open audition. It wasn't like. I auditioned for Dennis the Menace. Oh, see that tells you the difference. You were a Dennis the Menace type.

Starting point is 00:14:31 I was a fat boy. I was like, cause they wanted a chubby little guy. It ended up going to like Dakota Fanning's brother. I guess. Oh really? I guess they tried to make him a child. Their parents were like, put them all in the fucking system. I got debts, baby.

Starting point is 00:14:44 The Mets fucked me. Put the boy in movies, too. And you know what? I want to thank Mr. and Mrs. Manning because their two daughters are great actors. Incredible actors. They did a great job. Incredible actors, yeah. Sometimes it's worth it to ruin the kid's life.

Starting point is 00:14:56 I wonder what the kid is up to now. The movie was the kid, the boy who beat me for the nationwide talent search. But it's also so funny where it's's like we're doing a nationwide talent search So the little fan the fanning brothers a little he's chubby because he was I think can you mo can you look up the kid? Kid kid yeah the kid fanning And I remember seeing that and being so fucking piss Or maybe it's not fanning. Maybe it's is it is it a different did I make that up? Wow kid?

Starting point is 00:15:26 You go to cast. I think it's that kid. Maybe is this not last name fanning? No, it's something else I lied or maybe it changes name It could just be a it could be a stage name or what true true true, but I'm gonna be fucking pissed off if you like I'm gonna be I'm such a fucking piece of shit Maybe I was wrong. Damn. I thought I knew that That's what I that is like knew that. That is like a thing I remember seeing. You know what I mean? Like the Disney's The Kid is one of those little memorable.

Starting point is 00:15:51 Yeah, click on that kid. It's a young version of him, isn't it? Oh, it's not Spencer. Oh, Breslin. It's a different family. Abigail Breslin. That's why. OK, I wasn't totally wrong.

Starting point is 00:16:01 Yeah, look at him. He looks like a little fat. He's not even that fat. But anyway, but it's interesting because I was in a way fatter I was yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Maybe I was too fat But it's very funny for them like we're doing a nationwide talent search It's just like a showbiz kid gets the role. Yeah, it sucks like the fuck man What did I give up my Saturday for to go to the fucking? Towson town center mall and sit in the fucking room for four hours.

Starting point is 00:16:28 It also sucks that there was multiple producers being like, that kid might be too fat. Too fat. Like that sucks. Next. Yeah, they have a pile that's like too fat, fat enough to. Good to put in movies.

Starting point is 00:16:40 Like that was really what it was. It was like they were just, they were like, like Dan Schneider was just like in a control room being like reject put in movies put in the pile Anyway, so yeah here I looked up to Dan Schneider so much But yeah, cuz I like I it is very funny to think about the way, you know, the roots to being a, because like, I had the problem of like, I knew to play the little fat guy role, and I knew to be the little, the life of the party at a very young age and to be

Starting point is 00:17:18 like the fun little fat guy. And so I had no, so I was not socially anxious at all. Even in high school. That's huge. But the problem was I could get, the only, because I was so like, because I was so like open and like constantly and entertain or whatever, the only place anxiety, social anxiety hit me

Starting point is 00:17:38 was with girls. Sure. And so that was a brutal one because when I was in high school, it was like, it would be like, I could get girls to like go to the, you know, you like, when I was in high school, I could get girls to go to the, you know, I remember in high school, the most brutal time in my life is take this girl out, we have a fun time, we're in my car, and that's when the anxiety starts.

Starting point is 00:17:55 It's like a girl, she's trying to make out with you, dude. I could have probably gotten a weird hand job in my car, but I was just like- Just air-poofing out of your dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Probably couldn't, yeah, even at 17, I had erectile dysfunction. I just said my dick couldn't get hard.

Starting point is 00:18:11 I was, I did, there was one time where I was getting jacked off in my church, and I was too nervous, I was so nervous my dick wouldn't get hard, and I was drunk as shit. I was like 16 and just blackout drunk. And why, why, why were you in the church? Because the Greek festival happens at the church and we had a rec room upstairs.

Starting point is 00:18:31 This sounds like Godfather. If you're Greek or Italian, I shouldn't be surprised that you were jacked off in a church. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I was blackout drunk and then I was getting nervous because there was like We were making we were making out no for real We were making out i've told i've told you before I think but we're making out like in a little cove that I knew About and it was an office nobody used and like while i'm touching those girls tits i'm like 16 It's the best moment in my life. Uh, the door opens and it's like uh, uh

Starting point is 00:19:01 like eight Like it's like the set the board of the church had been like counting the money from the festival, but it was all old dirt bag dudes. So it was like, they were like, but it made me nervous. So then I'm like, all right, let's go upstairs to the gym. And now I'm like drunk as shit. The girls touched my dad. God bless this girl at the time of being like, all right, let's keep it going. She was cool. I got it. I tell you, she was a real cool girl. But it was very funny where the next day, it was like, I'm like,

Starting point is 00:19:33 and you know, no girl's ever like, I've kissed like one other girl in my life. And I'm like, well, looks like I have a fiance. Like I was like in love because a girl like, you know, touched my dick. And like, I was too nervous thinking like, you know My aunt like my my brother's godmother was gonna catch us. So I was like, alright, that's enough. We should leave now But then I'm like cruising my space the next day and I hit you know

Starting point is 00:19:56 Hit her up on my space and dude the most devastating thing where I'm where she's just like, you know She's like, haha. I got hit with this, this is like the best moment of my life and she's like, haha, last night was so crazy, I don't even really remember what it was. And by the way, she's live, like she was like, I wasn't a 16 year old assaulter everyone relax. It was like, it was like, like I was the one who, I was getting drunk because a girl kissed me and I was nervous.

Starting point is 00:20:24 Yeah. It was like I was the one who was, I was getting drunk because a girl kissed me and I was nervous. And so I was just getting, kept getting super fucked up. And then, cause she had a boyfriend also. So she was like, I don't even remember what happened. And you know, I check her top eight and I'm like, back in this MySpace days, this is like, by the way, when like Gen Alpha kids are watching this podcast and it's like two guys describing color television for the first time.

Starting point is 00:20:46 We're like, I'm on MySpace, getting pussy. They're like, talk about watching the Merv Griffith show or whatever. Mine was even, I was like AOL Instant Messenger. Yeah, yeah, because you're a couple years older. Yeah, I wish I had fucking Facebook or MySpace. Yeah, yeah, oh, the bulletin, trying to get pussy off the bulletin.

Starting point is 00:21:05 Before statuses, you had bulletins. But yeah, and then I'm like, and I'm like, and then I go, and she hits me with that message. I'm at my telemarketing job the next day. I was working as a telemarketer for a company called American Government Mortgage. When you were 16 years old, this life, it sounds like you were like a 24-year-old guy.

Starting point is 00:21:21 Yeah, no, no. I was at my telemarketing job the next day, and I'm on MySpace being like, time to message my future wife, the girl who kissed me. And I get to like, oh, last night was so crazy. It was fun, but I don't remember what happened. And then I go on her thing. I see just pictures of her with a different guy.

Starting point is 00:21:42 And then I just am tearing up and be like, ha ha, me neither. And that is like, and I'm like crying eating Wendy's. That was also the year I got fat. That's the year I went from regular fat guy because the telemarketing job was next to a Wendy's. And I got like I went back to play football the next day. This is between my sophomore and junior or the next year to my sophomore and junior years.

Starting point is 00:22:05 And my coach was like, what the fuck did you do to yourself? I got too fat to play defensive tackle. Like, you know how fat, that's the fattest guy on the football team. And he was like, what the fuck are you doing? And by the way, I didn't lift weight. I just got fatter.

Starting point is 00:22:20 So it was, but yes, that was- I mean, the combination of her giving you that news and being next to one of these that's brutal. That bought me 40 baconators. Just that that message. And so that's because I think of fat puberty as the moment you go from a chubby little boy who's like, because you know, everyone who looks back, it's like you go from a chubby boy to like a fat, disgusting man. Yes.

Starting point is 00:22:45 And that was that summer. Yeah, the kid is cute. With Disney, the kid is cute. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's that crossover. It's like it is around middle school, high school area. It sounds like you went. And then there's an even later one, which

Starting point is 00:23:00 is like what I went through like five years ago when you just become like as fat as a 50-year-old man. We used to become a disgusting like not fuckable in any circumstances You know your body's not functioning not fun. Yes. It's when yeah It's when you get sleep apnea and you get or you get your first you need like three you need diabetes sleep apnea Some kind of dick problem. It doesn't have to even be erectile dysfunction It could be like I was pissing too much or like, you know, or your piss is sweet because of diabetes or whatever.

Starting point is 00:23:29 But yeah, that's where I think of there is a level where like, if there's a girl in your bed and like, like she's touching and you have a sleep apnea mask off and you have to take the mask off before you have sex or like, or putting it on like the, like the, the, the, the whole process of putting on your sleep apnea mask after you've had sex. It's just embarrassing.

Starting point is 00:23:49 That's the weirdest one where you have to be like, you're like, this is a pretty victorious moment for me. I've had sex with a beautiful woman or an okay woman and who I respect. A beautiful woman who has something wrong in her life or an okay woman who I respect greatly and who care, you know, who we have a bond, whatever. And then you have to be like, all right. And then you're cuddling, you're like, wow, life's awesome. And then you're like, okay, goodbye, I'm going to go put on my, the mask that makes sure I don't die while sleeping next to you.

Starting point is 00:24:23 And then you just have to sort of say you psychically bid them adieu and then you're basically like in a little solo fat prison you you know you turn away I don't it's like don't look at me it's like Phantom of the Opera shit it's the end of episode 3 where the fucking the mass comes over to Don Mayer and you're just laying still. And they're just laying there fat as shit. And then I literally turn away, I'm a stomach sleeper. Me too, yeah. So I'll turn away from the, I'll show her my back. So then it's like, you don't look at me with my mask on.

Starting point is 00:24:57 And then I'll wake up in the morning and be like, all right, take it off. And now I'm a human being again. I'll cuddle for five minutes before waking up again. This, me with a mascot is like, like I'll like pat like my, whoever's in my bed head and be like, take their hand and be like, goodbye. Like there's nothing else that's gonna happen now.

Starting point is 00:25:16 I know. I've had to become a back sleeper because of that. And I hate, I hate, I hate sleeping with a back. Good for you though, I think it's better for you. I just didn't learn it. I've just persevered through, I know it's bad for you. I just didn't learn it. I've just persevered through, I know it's bad for you, but I'm just like, I don't fucking care.

Starting point is 00:25:27 I'm gonna keep steeping on my stomach even though there's like a fucking cord tangled around me or whatever the fuck. I'll figure it out. I just gotta hope the cord does its work. Yeah, one day it kills me. It's a one night. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:25:37 Yeah. Hung by my CPAP tube. Yeah. I know we got some blue collar boys and gals listening to Stavi's World. Me myself, sure, as a youth I worked with my father who's a contractor. I worked in a machine shop manufacturing parts for guns. That's literally true. It sounds fake.

Starting point is 00:25:57 I don't know. But I did do it. I come from blue collar. I come from a blue collar background. And that's why I'm excited to tell you about Brunt work boots. Comfortable, they protect you like work boots, but they feel like sneakers. You know I'm a wide footed boy. They come in wide size as well.

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Starting point is 00:28:03 little Brunt workwear boots today. Well, not today. You order them today. They come in a reasonable time. Then you put them on. You finally feel like a man. That's with Coach Stavi. BruntWorkwear.com. Use the code STAVVY. In my church, I never, I mean, years of not any of what you said at 16, you were way ahead of the curve. Well, no, no, that was it. It was like, I kissed one. I like, I've had, I also had a very, I was like, I was cucked before I even got to fuck a girl where it was like, I had like a, I had like a high school girlfriend who was like a family friend that I would

Starting point is 00:28:39 see sometimes and we would talk on the phone. And then she like, and I made out with her twice. I touched her tits once and like the and then but I would get phone calls constantly where she was she'd be like, huh, I accidentally got fingered last night. Like just some other guy. I hadn't even like seen her breasts. And I'd be like, All right, well, listen, fifth time what you've just been fifth or sixth time one more time and you're in serious trouble

Starting point is 00:29:06 in this relationship. So I had that and then I touched like two pairs of tits and then it was like over until college. You know what I mean? It was like a, it was just like, I was so embarrassed that I just, cause there's such a difference between how people perceive you as like the fat fun guy

Starting point is 00:29:22 who's like, I'm shitting on everyone, I'm in control. And then I'm so nervous around women in that age. Of course, which I think a lot of people are. And now I've completely over-corrected. I know it's a mental illness where I'm like, if I fucking have girls, maybe I wasn't a loser in high school, you know what I mean? It's like, maybe it's the multiverse,

Starting point is 00:29:39 and if I fuck girls now, I go back in time and get pussy in 11th grade. And then I- I have thought of a back to the future, getting pussy back to the future. I was like, if I could go back to being 19 or 20 and having the confidence- We just don't do comedy. Yeah, probably. I'd be happy. I'd be in a normal job.

Starting point is 00:29:57 I'd be thrilled. You'd be in Massachusetts just grilling. Be like- Like seven kids. Michael Jr. You know what I mean? We'd all have such better lives. I'd just be in Baltimore owning a fucking crab restaurant. just grilling. Seven Michael Junior. You know, like that. We'd all have such

Starting point is 00:30:05 better lives. I'd just be in Baltimore owning a fucking crab restaurant. I would be you know, to me and we have kids with huge heads. Yeah, just fat little kids. Me and my fat daughter, I'm braiding my fat daughter's hair. It'll be awesome, dude.

Starting point is 00:30:18 If we just go back in time and get pussy in high school, our lives are so much better. And we just, you know, we're know I have like a thin blue lives flag If you're not doing anything wrong you shouldn't be scared of the police you know what I mean? like yeah yeah a hundred percent you got the thin blue line dude absolutely I uh my my at my church my confirmation cardinal law was there the bad guy from spotlight Like move around there like he was the guy who didn't he didn't fuck it. He just kind of

Starting point is 00:30:56 Shifted he was he was a bit. He was a very Game of Thrones Priest left and right he's got like a board like it's fucking like it's fucking a Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, You're killing me. Can't you just kiss him for a couple months? You gotta suck him off too? You're how many I can't move this many guys. Oh you want to go to Providence, too? Well too bad buddy You're going to Montana. He's like fucking tough day at the office today Gotta move around like seven priests It's like child or Tetris where he's just like he's waiting for one long piece to make it all make sense And they all can we get a couple straight guys, I mean Jesus the all-girls school I can move you there Everybody complains when I move you there

Starting point is 00:31:57 I've run out of all girls school to move the gay guys. Okay, so fucking chill Yeah, it's fucking brutal he was he I mean the true villain of that movie was there and asked me a question He was like he asked me a question like it was like a layup question. I got it wrong Bombed it was like yeah, how many yeah, it's like father son and Spirit of St. Louis? Hahaha! In the confessional. In the confessional, with our

Starting point is 00:32:34 horniest priest! Go in the punishment booth and he's like, I don't know! Yeah, go with Father McClanahan, he's going, he's getting transferred tomorrow. You think the day before they get transferred is like second semester, senior year?

Starting point is 00:32:50 They're like, woo, I'm going crazy. I'm going on a fucking spring. I got to move to Toledo tomorrow anyway. I'm on his mouth. My mom, I went to Camp Fatima, which was not a fat camp, surprisingly. Yeah, that was a saint, right? Because there was Our Lady of Fatima. Yeah, Our Lady of Fatima, which was not a fat camp, surprisingly. Yeah, that was a saint, right? Because there was Our Lady of Fatima.

Starting point is 00:33:07 Yeah, Our Lady of Fatima. That was the first camp my mom sent me to when I was younger. As an adult, she's like, you know, I was worried about sending you there because a priest had gotten trouble for like fucking a child there the summer before. I was like, why the fuck did you send me to that

Starting point is 00:33:21 fucked camp? She's still saying it there. What the fuck's wrong with you? She sent me to Camp Fatima still. That's so fucking funny. And I was like, I was like trying to remember Camp Fatima. I was like, I don't remember anything about Camp Fatima. Oh no, bad sign. Wait, was that the summer you turned fat?

Starting point is 00:33:36 You're just like, Mike, how was camp? I don't want to talk about it. Bring more Doritos. I went from Macaulay Culkin to me now. It was truly, it was a summer. I've always said that there was like one summer I went down to my basement, I came up and was just a fucking monster. A homunculus? That's so fucking funny, dude. My mom also, she worked at my high school, so that was not helpful in any way. Oh, that's so true. Your mom lurking, you can't just be like, you know.

Starting point is 00:34:06 I remember my junior year, I wrote a note to a girl that was like, the most embarrassing note you can write that was like, hey, like yo. I like maybe wrote yo. Yeah, yeah, of course. Like yo, hang out later, and we're going to go drink beers at White Rock or whatever. I gave it to this girl.

Starting point is 00:34:23 And then my chemistry teacher, like, and she sucked, but she took the note and she brought it downstairs and I like walked into the room as she was giving the note to my mom. So my mom like had to, and this note is like, it's the most fucking embarrassing thing. So my mom had to see like what a fucking loser her son also was.

Starting point is 00:34:43 Like this note that will like make any pussy go dry. You're in trouble but you're also such a loser. You have to watch her react live. You don't even get her reading it and then like being like alright how am I gonna react when he gets here? You see her being like it was truly like it was it was a mortifying moment. Yeah and so I like also I like it didn't help that she was there not that I would have done well anyways but I think there's guys like you and there's guys like Gabe Robert a jar gave us who are like Confident big guys. I feel like really did have a fear like I feel like he actually did hook up as a

Starting point is 00:35:21 He did he I think he did well. I never I I never. No, I didn't, don't get me wrong, I didn't either for like my psychological hang-up. That's why it's like, it's interesting the fact, the different types of fat guys you can be in the different hang-ups you can have. Yeah, and I was like, I didn't, and even in college and now, well, I also found out I was like, I don't even like, I don't like, whatever, it's not for me. Yeah, you're asexual. It's like, I don't care about it, it's not fun for me I don't like it anyways no but that's not true because the other thing is I would I would I really admire about you is you have a pure you're like the party animal for pure reasons yeah you like

Starting point is 00:35:59 just everyone having a good time and there's no like like because like I'm trying to have a good time obviously and I like hanging out don't get me wrong but I'm also 50 50 it's 50% that 50 it's like good party we're having a good time yeah probably get sucked off you know whereas I really admire that you're like you're just trying to have an awesome time you're a pure beautiful like fun soul to be around whereas like I have that and then like if I see if like a pair of titties hits me the right way, I'm like, I just lock in and I'm like, fuck this party dude.

Starting point is 00:36:30 Blood in the water. I'm like, I have to at least try. And look, most of the time I'm gonna get rejected, right? I'm gonna go up and I'm gonna talk to this girl, but I'm gonna get rejected. And then I'm like, now my attitude is bad the whole rest of the party. Whereas you're just fucking having a good time,

Starting point is 00:36:42 you know what I mean? There's a purity to that. I'm happy if I see every, if I send people off to bed together at the end of the night and then I just am in bed by myself, I'm happy. My stocking cap on smiling as everyone's off into room. Blowing out your candle. Everyone's in their room fucking.

Starting point is 00:36:57 Listening to everyone fuck. You're just a cuck, you're like a cuck eight different ways. You have like a series of tubes where you can hear everyone fuck. It's like that every- Seuss, like that's the Dr. Seuss tubes. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:37:11 You're just smiling. Big smile. Listen to people- Petting my two cats. That was, I mean like in college I didn't, like the fat guy thing for me was always, it was always a sticking point. I was a 9-11 college kid.

Starting point is 00:37:26 My first week of college was 9-11. Holy shit. Yeah, yeah. And I saw the building fall on a movie theater. Well, not like an AMC. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, there was, yeah. I was like, how did they even rig that up?

Starting point is 00:37:45 They had that ready to go? 4DX. Yeah. See, rubble is coming on your head. Why the water squirting? It was the theater at the college, and it was my politics class. And then I saw that all happen.

Starting point is 00:38:01 Oh my god. Like on a big screen live. That's crazy, because we're only like five years apart. But like, that difference in those Oh my god. Like on a big screen live. That's crazy because we're only like five years apart but like. That's right. But that difference in those years is crazy because I was in seventh grade. Yeah. And you're like the idea of a seventh grader in a college like that's worlds apart. Of course. And like now we're in fact we're just the same age now but it's like that's just crazy how much like how what a different experience because I was in French class and being like's crazy, because I'm sure the vibes were not fun after 9-11 happened.

Starting point is 00:38:27 No, not at all. No one's trying to fucking get drunk and just suck a fat guy's dick after 9-11. They're trying to be scared about Osama bin Laden. I remember they were like, firefighters are like, people love firefighters, and bigger guy, and that didn't happen for me. That didn't work out at all for me.

Starting point is 00:38:43 Well, if you were in Boston being a fucking volunteer firefighter, it probably wouldn't have worked. That's why I should have pivoted at that point. Well, you know there were guys, this is a big pet peeve of mine. You know there were guys who signed up like 2020, 2002? Oh, sure.

Starting point is 00:38:59 And they were getting the runoff post. He was like, you guys weren't fucking firefighters during that. They should have made you show like, were you a firefighter during 9-11 to get to fuck these girls? And I know a lot of guys weren't, you know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:39:13 I would have been one, I should have been one of those guys. You should have signed up immediately. And I would have not passed any tests. Carrying the hose, I couldn't even do it. But I- You're eating the Dalmatians food? Like in their bowl, like... Come on, Mike!

Starting point is 00:39:30 We're gonna keep them as like the house pet. You're the gimp. You're the firehouse gimp. Which figure, we saw... We did. We went to see... Double feature of... That was awesome. Because I hit the fat guy chat thread This is the beauty of the fat guy thread. I'm on the plane to LA as soon as we land

Starting point is 00:39:50 I'm like, where do I get a good burrito? That's the first question I asked about LA I'm on the tarmac And you you text me you're like by the way, I'm going to a double feature and we saw Pulp fiction and before that it was reservoir way, I'm going to a double feature. And we saw Pulp Fiction, and before that, it was Reservoir Dogs, which is a great, great double feature. I love that you didn't balk at that, because I am like, all I do is go see movies. And I told you, like, you were talking about, like,

Starting point is 00:40:14 the ghosts of Christmas yet to come, like the fat guys that you see that you're like, that's future me. Yeah. And I go to the Vista, which is Tarantino's. Incredible, dude. Awesome theater. I love, that's the best, I mean, what LA has for sure, this is Tarantino's. Incredible, dude. Awesome theater. That's the best.

Starting point is 00:40:25 What LA has for sure, this is the first time I've been like, I come here. You just come here a lot for work stuff. And I've always been like, oh, this was fun, but I'm ready to leave. I'm weirdly enchanted with LA right now, where I'm trying to get an apartment in New York. It's been kind of a pain in the ass.

Starting point is 00:40:42 And if it falls through, I've decided my backup plan is to just come rent a house in LA for the month. I fucking love that. Because seeing the movie was awesome. And the weather's actually, it's not as hot as you'd think in the summer. No. October, like September, October.

Starting point is 00:40:57 It weirdly gets hotter. Yeah, yeah. But like August, not bad. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's not great, but it's like better than New York, which just gets hot as fuck. And there's no beach, and there's no pools. And there's no like, I mean? Yeah. It's not great, but it's like better than New York, which just gets hot as fuck and there's no beach

Starting point is 00:41:06 and there's no pools. And there's no like, I mean, there's like never any real humidity. It's just when it gets like a hundred degrees. Well, it's also nice because it's cold at night. It always dips down. Cause the sun is really what's heating you, not like, you know, humidity and it's, you know,

Starting point is 00:41:18 being in an urban fucking landscape. So anyway, I think I'm gonna end this. I would love for you to get a house. I mean, you would be moving out here like, as the city is like falling, like, everyone is vacating the city. But it would just be a weird, let me spend a month during the summer. Look, I think what's going to happen now,

Starting point is 00:41:33 because I'm excited about this plan, God is going to turn around. When I wanted the New York apartment, he was fucking my ass and not giving it to me. Now where I've got this kind of fun plan to just spend five weeks in LA over the summer for fun and watch movies and shit like that, he's gonna, I'm trying to trick God

Starting point is 00:41:51 into giving me the New York apartment. By having a different dream, I'm like, well, I want this now, God. And he's gonna just give me the apartment. Because I've already, the fucked up thing is I've already. There's a fire pole to the Sbarro downstairs. Yeah. Oh yeah.

Starting point is 00:42:07 That's my dream apartment. It's like next to a Sbarro Panda Express. I'm like, yeah, the best parts of New York city, baby. It's above the M and M store in Times Square. That would have, I would always be getting asked for autographs for red. Red. Yeah. You couldn't wear whatever color shirt you're wearing. I would always be getting asked for autographs for red. Red! Yeah, you couldn't wear, whatever color shirt you're wearing, they'd be like, whoa, it's the yellow M&M!

Starting point is 00:42:33 You never break character. But yeah, it was fun. And I love that about it. I mean, like Tarantino's theater, I mean, I've really gotten into a movie going You know era of my life cuz like, you know when I was a kid my parents are my parents are you know I'm a first-generation Greek immigrant and there really was a cultural Like like my mom was into too good of films because she grew up in Europe and she was seeing all this like, you know She was big into like, you know actual

Starting point is 00:43:05 fucking intellectual Cinema like, you know, I'm too stupid even now to remember the guys that we're talking about Well, like I don't know what are some fucking big. I want to film school too. I don't know. What's the guy? What's the guy playing chess with death with the? Bergman maybe yeah, like she didn't like, you know, she was into like but the one thing she really liked was weird And my mom's like just the nicest Eastern European You know woman like makes snacks from my friends like just you know my brother just had a kid She's built to be a grandma like it's just so perfect, but she weirdly really liked mob movies

Starting point is 00:43:39 So the only like the weird bonding experience I was my mom when I was like a pretty little, and she wouldn't let me, she was so strict, I couldn't watch, like for a while, she wouldn't let me watch The Simpsons. Like she was that strict, but she would let me watch mob movies because she thought they were just good movies. So it's like, like I remember renting The Godfather and The Godfather 2 with like the double VHS's

Starting point is 00:44:00 with my mom. And that was like one of the most bonding experiences of my, you know, shows you how ungrateful you are, it's like my mom did everything for me but I'm like, one time she got me dominoes and we watched The Godfather, that was the best day of her as a mom. But so I kind of have like crime movies or like they're important to me.

Starting point is 00:44:19 I mean Goodfellas is like, that was like when I saw that movie on VHS when I was whatever, like 10 or whatever when my friend got it on VHS. That was like the change, like one of those life changing moments where you're like, well, movies, I didn't know movies could be like this. Totally, could be fucking cool. Like this is such an interesting, yeah. Goodfellas was a, I mean, yeah, when I was getting into Scorsese and stuff, it was, I have like these eras where I'm making up for lost time.

Starting point is 00:44:45 Because I didn't really watch. We weren't really a big movie family. And we watched a lot of Greek shit. And we watched a lot of, when I was a little kid, we would get dubbed. All the Disney movies we watched dubbed in Greek. Oh, man. I fucking love that.

Starting point is 00:44:58 Because my dad was convinced we were moving to Greece every year. He was like, we're going back. Don't get used to being in America. And it wasn't until I was in high school where I really started to love, I started, comedy was really, and Chappelle's show was big when I was in high school.

Starting point is 00:45:14 Sure, yeah, I was in college at that point, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then there's the run of the Will Ferrell movies, like Forty Year Old Virgin and Anchorman, that kind of, all the way through, and then the Apatow movies, I started having my own stuff and then when I was like hey I like these movies maybe I should go back and see all the other movies I like so I've had eras where I've gotten back into movies and then undercover brother. Undercover brother is a banger dude I do love undercover brother. I was weirdly I love Night

Starting point is 00:45:40 at the Roxbury like that was like I still and honestly I watched it recently I literally think it holds. Yeah, I think some of those movies get shit on a little too much. They don't deserve it. You know Now compared to when there's no comedies no Like a gun coming out is like you're like, oh, thank god. There's that in friendship. Of course It's like it's like thank god that there's like two comedy movies in the theater. Yeah. Yeah, but but yeah So I don't know I just find myself being like, and now I'm in a place where I'm like, let me keep, and then I was like into stand-up so much that I thought, I was like, fuck all other stuff,

Starting point is 00:46:13 I gotta learn how to do stand-up, but now I'm kind of in a point in my life where I'm like, my favorite thing to do is go see a double feature of like two movies I love, you know what I mean? That's what I thought, I was like, a lot of people would balk at that, I was like, six hours at this, like, you just landed in LA, you want to come spend six hours at this theater

Starting point is 00:46:28 with like 55-year-old guys? We were like, the entire movie. But there's at least, the other thing about LA is that there's hot film girls. And I mean, New York has that too to some extent. Which I have never noticed at the theater until I was sitting with you. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:46:42 Yeah. Some lady was like, well I listen to your podcast. I was like, what the hell? I've never even like, I've never seen it. Like most of these screenings, I'm going to like Mad Max screenings at like midnight with like 50 and 60 year old dudes. But anyway, it is cool that you know, so yeah dude, who knows? Maybe we'll be fucking catching these fucking double features I would love the vistas fucking it's awesome. It rules. I Were you not us? Were you not like a Simpsons? Did you get to watch? No, no, I did

Starting point is 00:47:13 It was the kind of thing that I would go to my friend's house Shout out to the mysterious and elusive big P. We don't reveal his identity Podcast but I would go to I would go to his house and that was the gateway for a lot of shit. You know he had that friend who was like, like parents try to be strict to slayers because it's like they're just gonna do it with their friend.

Starting point is 00:47:31 Of course, yeah. Whose parents don't give a fuck. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like everyone has their trashy friend whose parents got married too young who got their former teen, you know, just smoking cigarettes inside.

Starting point is 00:47:42 Yeah. Just be like, watch whatever the fuck you want. Just shut the fuck up like those parents And it was like yeah, we're just drinking so much soda watching like fucking pornography downstairs He's on like e-bombs world. We're like 11 years old looking at like, you know nuns I won't say what cuz I've already said some stuff. It's going to get demonetized this episode. But yeah, I mean, so I loved it. I mean, I was a huge Simpsons. And then what happened was, I don't

Starting point is 00:48:11 know if you call it this way, but most a lot of my comedy education was just reruns. Like Seinfeld, you don't watch Seinfeld chronologically. You watch it at 4 PM, which that weird syndication. And so I watched The Simpsons and Seinfeld and like they were these specific You know Malcolm in the middle like all these shows They were showing that they were showing like the best Simpsons and the best like it was like the the re they played double episodes Yes, exactly that was that this is the thing that makes me feel so old is like I remember

Starting point is 00:48:39 Sitting in front of a TV that had no cable and like pushing a button and watching like the monsters. It makes me feel like I'm like a fucking, it makes me feel like I'm 80 fucking years old. It's so funny. And I know what you mean because those five, the five years difference is so crucial because I remember doing that when I was like five. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:48:58 And it's like, it's, I just missed out on that. And we only did it because we were all so porous. Like we had such a shitty TV, but I know what you mean. It's like you watch those old ass, like the three stooges and that kind of shit. There was a little moment of doing that. There was a, I mean, my parents were, my dad was, he was 40 when he had me. Oh wow. Yeah, which explains he's dead. He's gone now. I love him. RIP, the big man.

Starting point is 00:49:22 He was a great guy. He went to law school in his 30s. He and my mom and he were both teachers. So they met when they were teachers and then he went to law school. Oh, that's cool. And then we got- Are you the oldest or the youngest? I'm the youngest of two.

Starting point is 00:49:37 I have an older sister. And then he, so he went to law school. Baby boy, the beautiful blonde baby boy. I was the beautiful blonde, which like still, even in high school, my mom would be like, my beautiful guy baby. I was beautiful blonde Yeah, which like still my like even in high school my mama like my beautiful guy I was like I fucking those days are over Yeah, wake up sister That kid is dead

Starting point is 00:49:56 Now stop cock blocking. I want to go get head at the quarry and drink some beers Like my friends we did have a quarry that we would jump in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hell yeah, dude. I would be the guy who was jumping off of, it was called Pussy Peak. And I was like, that would be the thing. I was like doing laps on Pussy Peak.

Starting point is 00:50:16 Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they had to convince me to like do the bigger ones that I was afraid of. Yeah, that's so funny. I feel like I was maybe the, cause my parents let me watch the Simpsons, married with children was like a little dicey That was that was the one that they were like a little bit afraid of course of course

Starting point is 00:50:29 Conan was what Conan was the huge one for me like watching late night Yeah, and it's like what made me be like I want to like do that in some way Which I never even figured out when I went like it was I went to school for computer science. Oh really? Yeah, there's there is there is like there's a weird alt. There's a swinging door for me to are you good? You're good at that. You're good at math and shit like that. I mean, probably. I mean, I went into computer science because I like liked AOL code on the board. And I was like, I was like, I don't know what the fuck any of this shit

Starting point is 00:50:58 means. And then I saw I like was undeclared for forever. And then I was like, Oh, like, there's the park school at Ithaca. I went to Ithaca in upstate New York. And the park school was like, oh, you can like. Road trip. I mean, truly why I. Truly why I submitted. I submitted, like I applied to 11 schools

Starting point is 00:51:16 and I got into there in UMass Amherst, which like all the, and I got in there for the engineering program and into Ithaca and I was like, I should like make a change and go up there. Like I'm gonna be a new man up there and then it was just the same thing for four years of course when I got up there but uh but that's like there I was like oh you can like actually do this for a living and then my dad was like a lawyer he's like I think he always thought I would be a lawyer but then I

Starting point is 00:51:36 he must have sunk in at some point where he's like I have like a sloppy dumb son I don't think he's gonna be like my boy's not looking at books ever I don't think he's gonna be a lawyer. What did your dad teach when he was a teacher? Was he like a history? He taught history, yeah. Okay. And my mom taught English.

Starting point is 00:51:52 So was he like a studious, buttoned up guy or what? He was, he was, he was like a, like he was very kind of, not, everyone loved him and he could be, he could be funny, you know what I mean? But he was, he was just a good guy. He was a good guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is your mom funny? Or do you have?

Starting point is 00:52:08 My mom's, they both were funny. They had it in them, but it wasn't their main thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember, I probably shouldn't say this story, but if I was next to him out of your ear, he'd look over and be like, look at that little fuckin' pathetic thing. He'd say shit like that.

Starting point is 00:52:24 That is funny in hindsight. That is funny in hindsight and shit. But he wasn't like, he didn't even know that you could make a living doing any of that. It was just so different. It didn't even cross his mind. Yeah, it was so different from his world. And then he worked up until the month he died. He died from pancreatic cancer.

Starting point is 00:52:40 Oh damn. But it is funny, he was in good shape. I would go down in the morning. Oh yeah, was was like, he was in good shape. Like it was, I would go down in the morning. Oh yeah, was he like Jack or just like in good shape? He was just in good shape. I would go down. Wasn't a fat guy. He was, he wasn't a fat guy. Oh in my head I've always just, any story you've told, I've always pictured of just

Starting point is 00:52:55 kind of a jovial fat guy. No, Whammer, Whammer was a, he was in shape. Really? He was, I would go downstairs. Okay, okay. And it's six in the morning and I would be like fucked up or like whatever. Like I would like be coming downstairs and he would be it's 6 in the morning, and I would be fucked up or whatever. I would be coming downstairs, and he would be doing sit-ups

Starting point is 00:53:07 and push-ups with the news on. And I would just be like, I'd be laying on the couch just watching them do it. His 20-year-old son drunk as shit, and he's like, about to go reading briefs and fucking doing fucking. Oh, that's interesting. I just assumed, because you hear, I had to go like reading briefs and like fucking doing fucking... Oh, that's interesting.

Starting point is 00:53:26 I just assumed, because you hear like, you know, you think like dad, you know, early. And I didn't realize it was cancer. I just assumed like fat guy going, you know what I mean? He would like spy with me sometimes. And truly, in like the last month he was alive with stage four pancreatic cancer, he still was just like kicking my ass. He was like beating the shit out of me. And I would be like, I was like, fuck.

Starting point is 00:53:50 He's like still pretty fucking tough. Yeah, on his deathbed you're like, all right, one more round old man. Mike's time to shine. Beep, beep, beep, beep. You're like, get the fucking hard things in here. He owes me a sparring session. Just a quick jab before they pull the plug.

Starting point is 00:54:07 Got you motherfucker. Look, we gotta pay the bills around here, okay? We, I find out about a lot of products when they sound cool and we have mutual interests and we're like, all right, great. We'll do, we'll try them out. We'll do an ad for them if we like them magic spoon I've had in my home before they were a freaking advertiser I ate they sent us a box to try it out

Starting point is 00:54:33 that box went fast as shit in this household I bought I have to I have this in my other apartment I have magic spoon of both my apartments that's how much I love this cereal. It's got, yeah, I'm a protein boy right now. I'm trying to get a little swole. So I'm prioritizing foods that are high in protein, lower in sugar. That's what I love about Magic Spoon. We're talking 13 grams of protein, zero grams of sugar, four grams net carbs.

Starting point is 00:55:01 Because look, you don't want to kill yourself. You have to have things that taste good that are also high protein. You don't want to be maniacal about restricting yourself of delicious treats. Even when you're living a lower carb, higher protein lifestyle, that's where Magic Spoon comes in. I take handfuls. I sprinkle in a little yogurt. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:55:23 I have a nice time with it any way, you slice it You're gonna love it Obviously, I also have it with milk classic But I get creative with it little protein a little protein pad a little peanut butter in there Whatever you want and they have treats now the crispy crunchy airy Another 12 grams of protein on the go. We were crushing those on the bus They come in flavors like marshmallow chocolate peanut butter and dark go. We were crushing those on the bus. They come in flavors like marshmallow, chocolate, peanut butter, and dark chocolate. We love those. It was a dark day. They were carried at some Costco's and some cities we would find them, some cities we wouldn't. You could see how

Starting point is 00:55:56 much better our moods were on the bus when we found a Costco that carried the Magic Spoon protein treat. So this is what I want you to do if you're interested in this delicious cereal that's also high protein low sugar get five dollars off your next order at magic spoon dot com slash Stavi or look for magic spoon on Amazon or in your nearest grocery store that's magic spoon dot com slash Stavi for five dollars off I will personally be using that promo code I promise you that. Oh, interesting, so do you think they wanted,

Starting point is 00:56:30 do your parents saw a pretty standard, be a lawyer, what do you think they saw for you? I think so, but I think that they couldn't ever, I would hope that they would imagine. So you're in departure from what your parents, kinda like your parents in a big way. Okay, interesting. And like, when did you realize that you could do what you do for, you know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:56:50 Like that to me was like never. Sure, during, I mean I started to understand when I was 19. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it was this kind of thing. It's probably earlier than a lot of people. Yeah, I think so. I mean I quit in the middle of,

Starting point is 00:57:01 I did it for like a year and a half, two years, and then I quit because I had all this family guilt Yeah, and so I took it really seriously for a year and like took school really seriously whatever But then I was like I have to quit like by the time I by the time I was a senior I was I was like I'm doing stand-up. I'm gonna this is what I'm gonna do. Yeah But it's interesting because I never as a guy. I think me and my dad are weirdly in a fucked up way. I mean, we have a very, we have a fucking strange relationship. We were, I didn't talk about that for like a decade,

Starting point is 00:57:34 and now we're trying to get it, you know, we're trying to fix it, whatever. I've always pictured you, like older you too, by the way. Yeah, well, that's the thing. Me and my dad are pretty similar, it's just that I think it's similar guys who just grew up in completely different circumstances where it's like he Because everything he was really funny like my dad is a ball buster

Starting point is 00:57:53 He's like really good at like he's good at like he gets riffing he gets like And my whole dad side of the family is they're ball busters dude like they're like You know like my aunt is this little obese woman who just as soon as I come to as soon as I come to Greece she's calling me a fat piece of shit she's like like I've told this story before but I hadn't seen this one for years and the first thing she says to me is like you want meatballs you fat homo I'm off of the plane the first time I ever come without my family I'm like, you know a fat 22 year old or whatever and she's just like she's like you want meatballs you fat homo And my whole family was just like that where they're like you're fucking fat

Starting point is 00:58:38 You know, they're making money from being fat for being a fucking pussy American whatever And so and my dad used to do like community they used to have like they used to do like community theater in in Baltimore they had a Greek language community there's how many that's how many Greeks there were in the 80s they would do theater in Greek and he was like he is a very Gregorian but but I also think my dad just like I'm really lucky that I have my mom who really built me up sure and like was fucking great and and my dad his parents it was just a weird set like there wasn't a lot of ways for him

Starting point is 00:59:09 to gain confidence in himself yeah and so I just I think he never we have similar stuff but he was in much worse circumstances and he just always looked at me as like he I was good at standardized tests I was good I would get good grades yeah and I think he just saw me as like a pussy bookworm version of himself. And he was like, you're gonna go make money and get me out of debt. You know what I mean? And it wasn't like, and so when I told him- That's probably the scariest thing in the world for him being here.

Starting point is 00:59:39 He hated hearing when I wanted to stand up. He was just like, I literally have a phone call where he would call, there's a specific phone call where I was graduating college, even though I never technically graduated, that's a whole other story, but the year I was done with college, the week I was done with college, I get a phone call and I'm like hello, and it's just like, I'm like dad, what's up? He's like, your mom tells me you're doing comedy now? Oh yeah. And I was like, yeah. And he was like, hangs up. That's the whole phone call.

Starting point is 01:00:11 The whole fucking phone call. And it was like, but I was also the happy, it was interesting because it was just like, there was no, we want something better for our kid, which I think is, that's where my mom came from too. And that's where I think your parents were, it was like, we want a good stable life for our boy. There was just like this resentment of like,

Starting point is 01:00:29 come on you fucking idiot. What I stay in America for, if you're just gonna go do stupid comedy. You know, like that was the vibe with my dad. He must have changed his mindset, like that you've done very well for yourself. Yeah, when he fucking saw me sell out, like our, the fucking, I sell out the Lyric,

Starting point is 01:00:43 which is a, you know. In Baltimore? I sell out our big lyric, I sell out the lyric, which is a, you know. In Baltimore? In Baltimore, I sell out our big theater like six times. That's huge, yeah. Coincidentally, my dad wanted to talk about things after that, it's like, when it's something like that, which I don't want to get cynical about or whatever, but it's like, to his credit, he's never been a piece

Starting point is 01:01:01 of shit that's like asked for anything. Sure, yeah. Like I help my family out, obviously you'd be a piece of shit to make it and not help your family out But there is like he's changed his tune when when it became so obvious I made the right choice Yeah, but they were like I now would go back to Greece and that same family that would roast me would be like So have you decided to maybe do something with your degree like, you know, not understanding at all what was going on.

Starting point is 01:01:25 I mean, my dad did not. He was definitely nervous about it. I think both of them were like, we want you to be happy or whatever, you know what I mean? That was like where their head was at. But my dad, there was like the different thing for me is like, he's like everybody loved him and he was, and I'm sure everyone loved your dad too, but I'm saying like, I'm like, I'm never gonna be like in my mind. Your dad was like community fixture, like a beloved community guy. And I was like, man, I can't, that's a hard thing to live up to. And then the only thing that like, it's funny after, after he passed away, I remember some guy being like,

Starting point is 01:01:56 I used to go to the bar with your dad when he was younger and uh, uh, he would challenge people and they could punch them as hard as they could in the face. And then if he didn't flinch, he'd drink a beer. I was like, wait a minute, what? I was like, my dad did this at all of his life? That's awesome. So I was like, okay, maybe there is hope for me someday to be like him. But I think it is like, of course- Well, that's interesting though, cuz it sounds like you just had, like, he was,

Starting point is 01:02:20 is like by being such a good dad who did so much, like, in your head without realizing he had set up an impossible, like it seemed impossible to you when in reality it's like, that's totally possible. You know what I mean? Like, I'm telling you now, if you look back, it's like all this stuff you're like,

Starting point is 01:02:36 how did he handle it? It's like, you know, just like half a job. You know what I mean? Like, you definitely could have lived up to whatever, you know, what your dad had done. But it's like when you're young and then I think that's probably compounded with loss because it's like he's taken from you at a time where you're pretty young. You don't get to like learn him as a guy and like grow and like him tell you,

Starting point is 01:02:56 you know, I used to get fucked. You know, you missed a lot of those stories. Yeah. It's like. He definitely was like relative. I was like I was like late 20s when he passed away. Yeah, that's that is that's kind of like when you get to meet your parents as human beings.

Starting point is 01:03:10 Yes. You know what I mean? Because it's like, in your late 20s, when you first really are who you are. Yeah, 100%. Like college and early 20s have washed away. Maybe you could argue maybe starting in your mid 20s. But still, it's like, that's really,

Starting point is 01:03:24 like even with my mom, who I have a good relationship with, that's when I feel like me and I've started to get her as a human being instead of just my mom. It's like, that happens when you're like 30. Same, same, same thing. And the last, my mom and I always watch movies, that's how we do, we bond over that shit now too, but my mom was a hard ass when I was growing up.

Starting point is 01:03:41 Yeah, interesting. But she was always pretty supportive about entertainment stuff. And I went out here for a summer semester after I finished. And then I was like, I got offered to work on this movie in Denver. That was my first showbiz job. Cool.

Starting point is 01:03:58 Like PA-ing or something? Yeah, yeah. I was like an assistant to a producer who asked me to suck him off at one point. I was going to make a joke about them molesting you and they actually asked you to suck you. They actually asked him. It's like, you know, that's awesome. Fresh out of college.

Starting point is 01:04:14 And also he did ask me to buy a bunch of porno in a bookstore once. Yeah. Oh, fuck. It was like, it was a bunch of like- It's like the fat intern sucks dick Boston boys first gay experience. It's just like all shit that it directly applies to you Gives you three very specific titles. It was it was it was it was it was a funny stack of magazines I'll say yeah, and I did that and then they were kind of like,

Starting point is 01:04:46 why don't you try to do it? And they were supportive in the way, I was pretty self-sufficient early on, but my dad was like, here's a little bit of cash. He did that every so often. And I was lucky like that, you know what I mean? I worked like, they were good in the way of, I was a garbage man one summer.

Starting point is 01:05:03 And I would see Tom Brady, we haven't even talked about how you hate the way of like, I was a garbage man once. Hell yeah, dude. Yeah, yeah. I would see Tom Brady. I mean, we haven't even talked about how you hate the city of Boston. I do. We don't have to get into it now, you know what I mean? I do. Well, the thing is I don't, I philosophically hate what Boston stands for. Sure.

Starting point is 01:05:18 And it's mostly sports hate, right? Yeah. Because every, like, I have a lot, like some of my best friends are from Boston. I hit it off with people from Boston. Bobby Kelly, like my first. We're so similar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like not, it's just a few, like, I have a lot, like, some of my best friends are from Boston. I hit it off with people from Boston. Bobby Kelly, like, my first. We're so similar. It's like, it's like not, it's just a few, like a few hundred miles off. Well, everything on the East Coast is kind of like very, like, I think starting from,

Starting point is 01:05:34 I do think starting from Baltimore all the way up to Boston, there is a chain of like Boston, New York, Philly. You know what I mean? It's like, there is like this mid-Atlantic, Northeast big cities. We all hate each other and we're all the same. And we're all pretty much, even Pittsburgh to certain extent, like Baltimore can kind of, you know, react really to that kind of shit too.

Starting point is 01:05:53 But yes, I mean, it's very similar. And I always, I love, I always hit off from people from Boston. It was always when I would go up there, even when I had no sauce whatsoever, like I got, I fucked like, it was when I was like, whoa, it's cool being a road comedian. I was not famous, I wasn't that funny.

Starting point is 01:06:09 And I got to fuck girls like every time I went to Boston for the first, and I was like, this place rules. I'm eating fried clams. I'm getting pussy. I don't think I can get laid in like the city lines. I don't think it's possible for me. So I'm glad it works for you. Yeah, I mean, there's something about that type

Starting point is 01:06:23 of white trash, you know what I mean there's something about that type of white trash You know the it was it was it was people were really getting their lives back together after the you know opioid crisis But I fucking I love I really do like and I you're spending time in Boston I like it, but there is just like come up with my Fucking blast and we'll be there. We'll be in Boston the 12th and the 13th, I think, whatever. We'll flash the fucking dates right here. But we'll look, dude, we'll get into all our fucking Boston hate, um, at a different, uh, at a different time. We got, we got to help the people Mike, cause part of this,

Starting point is 01:06:56 part of the pod here is, you know, using some of our expertise. And we have Mr. Emo, who you'll never see, you'll never hear his voice folks. He's filling in for elders who as we said is taking a vacation. Not cleared by me, never asked, just kind of said he was doing it. You gotta love it man. Do you have any experience with Albanians Mike? Have you ever? No, not too much.

Starting point is 01:07:18 No, okay. I'm not questioning, I'm like have I ever met an Albanian? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I must have met an Albanian in my life. Yeah, yeah, who knows? I mean I'm from a very Irish you know like sure it's I don't know that they're in the during the they're in Boston honestly they're in New York they're in Baltimore but anyway eldest is that's why we always like to ask all right what do we got here Mo

Starting point is 01:07:43 Davi Elvis esteemed guest oh man that last recording was bad, so I'll get right to it. I'm bi. I saw this couple for a while as a unicorn. They've since divorced and while I haven't kept on with the guy as much, I've been cordial with the gal. Cordial, huh? I'm also a bartial with the gal. Cordial, huh? I'm also a bartender in the town.

Starting point is 01:08:09 I'll redact the name, but it's a sizable town, maybe half a million people. She's now in this era where she's going on a lot of first dates again and getting back out there. And they were by no means you know not a kinky couple before but she's like kind of kicked it up a notch and she's kind of started showing up at my bartending job in the evenings it's cool and she's propositions me but nice got the guys she's bringing around are just

Starting point is 01:08:50 Fugly she's in that era Just like trying to get as many rebounds and she's propositioning me and I don't really know how to tell her that They're just not like even she's hooking up with threes and twos and her pecs. What's your name? What's she up to? So how do I tell her that while I appreciate you're in kind of a you know Hoenn era I'm not interested in joining any of the guys you've been bringing around And to make this kind of more complicated. She's Far and away my best tipper like

Starting point is 01:09:34 50% on her tab And they just will do but man she's like Really bringing it home with tips for me. So thanks, guys. Sorry. This is a weird one. No, no, this is the kind of stuff we live for. Appreciate it. So our bisexual bartender,

Starting point is 01:09:57 his best customer keeps asking him to fuck ugly guys with her. How to navigate this very interesting. I was yeah I was just sitting here nervous that I like was on a date with this girl. You're like yeah I guess I'll let the bartender suck me off. If I get to fuck you. Which bar? Yeah. This is very interesting because you would definitely, it sounds like he would fuck her without the dyes. No question.

Starting point is 01:10:36 It seems like he'd, I feel like he likes her. Yeah, he'd at least smash. He has no problem. I think when you're getting she's in this era, whatever, and yes, I do think you, if you're direct, you risk hurting her feelings to the point where she stops coming around as a regular,

Starting point is 01:10:55 but also she's not asking you a regular, like a normal question. Like, I think when you proposition someone, the fact that your vibe is, nah, I'm good. Not like, how dare you? Right? You are still providing a service to her. You're providing a guy that the second the proposition includes another two people I want to fuck, I'm down. You're a pretty open-minded, cool guy for that. So I wouldn't worry about that.

Starting point is 01:11:27 I think you're fine being like, ah. You can also throw out like, hey, if you want to hook up just us, I'm down, but you know, these guys, you could be like, I'm just not in the mood. You could even just say I'm not in the mood for a threesome right now, and that's, you could just be like, I'm kind of in a solo zone. And you could even say straight up, like,

Starting point is 01:11:42 maybe if the guy's really hot hot or if you bring a like then I could break it but that's I think your that's what you can hide behind is that you have to be in a specific mood for a threesome and if you it's only if the guy's a piece of ass that you're down that's you know I don't think you have to worry about your I don't have to worry about the tip side of it at all like I think I think you're 100% right it's that sort of thing of like one you could do a thing where together, maybe you could talk to her and be like, let's pick up some guy together

Starting point is 01:12:08 that we both are interested in. You guys maybe could make that a thing. But it does seem like- Maybe you could bring a guy to her, or a girl if you wanna go that way too, who knows? It seems like he is more, because when he was talking about she was with a guy before, right?

Starting point is 01:12:22 And it seems like he does like this, it seems like he likes this woman quite a bit. So I'm like, the other guy is gone and it seems like he cares about this woman too, but I can't tell if it is just a sort of thing. I don't know that he like cares about her in terms of like wants anything more than just fuck. Okay, yeah.

Starting point is 01:12:41 I think it's like, I think from the vibe I'm getting is that he likes her in terms of she's a friend, she's her best tipper. She's a great customer who he'll get head from. You know what I mean? I don't think he's trying to date this woman. I mean, I just feel like such a dork immediately be like, I think they're in love.

Starting point is 01:12:56 Yeah! This is where you have two good parents. This is another element. Like we really do need to do the like taxonomy of different types of fat guys. Like it's like, it's like party animal, non horny, two good parents, party animal, horny, one good parent, you know, great mom. And then we have like Gabris who's like party animal, uh, uh, horny, maybe two weird parents. I don't know. Like, yeah, we have to. We have to make a list of like

Starting point is 01:13:29 anyway. So yeah. I don't know dude. I think like I think you hide behind. I'm not really in the zone. I'm in a place in my life where I'm not really in the zone for through some unless it's like bangers and no disrespect. These guys aren't like my, you know, they're not like, and then you could even, yeah, you could be like, maybe we could pick a guy, or I think you just let it lie. You're like, you could even just be like, nah, I'm not in the zone right now,

Starting point is 01:13:52 and be like, hey, maybe we could fuck, if you even want that, right? Honestly, the most important thing here is to maintain her as a tipper, I think. Like, that's the most important thing in this guy's life. Yeah, that's true. So, that's a bartender, a woman tipping 50% and she's going on first dates every weekend It's like it's pretty good. Yeah, it seems like this is her spot

Starting point is 01:14:09 Like it doesn't and like also she has a rapport with you no matter what like I really don't think you have to I don't Think like if you say you're not interested. She's gonna be like I'm not coming here. I'm not gonna tip you anywhere I don't think that it will exactly I think you just have whatever your response is don't rock the boat too much because you got a nice thing going and that's good Enough in my opinion. Yeah. Yeah But yeah, good luck. That's the twos and threes that are that are having fun She's doing her yet. Can we can we you know, we want to we want to buy her a night out at this bar so

Starting point is 01:14:42 Email elders with your information and we'll give you like a two hundred dollar credit for her because she is doing a service for probably Stavis World and doughboys listeners. I guarantee you some of the threes this woman is fucked listen to one or both of our podcasts keeping. They're keeping a doughboy shirt on a while while they have sex and I'll tell you this much, the ones that even if that's not true, there's plenty of them listening now. They're like, why isn't it me? It's fucking her. Hit us with something else, Mo. You know, I caught a, I just got to tell you, I caught a pass from Tom Brady. I ever tell you that? Whoa. You did tell me that. I did. Where was it?

Starting point is 01:15:22 Did I brag about this already? Yeah. What was Yeah, what was the context? I did a commercial shoot with like, I did like, he did a Funny or Die shoot, and I did like a behind the scenes shoot with him. And one other guy, I was in a sketch group with the birthday boys, and one of the guys worked at Funny or Die. And he and Brady like did this thing. And then I was the extra shoot that day. So like in between takes, I was like going up to him

Starting point is 01:15:44 and being like, I'm like a super fan. And I was doing that. And the bit was you're a super fan? The bit was I was shoot that day. So like in between takes, I was like going up to him and being like, I'm like a super fan. And I was doing that. And the bit was you're a super fan? The bit was I was a super fan. And you are a super fan. And I am a super fan. Like it honestly seemed like he hated me.

Starting point is 01:15:54 And then I caught the pass, when he threw me a pass and I caught it. And then I pretended to hump the football. And that like, he loved me. Brady loved me after that. That's all it took. I was like pretending to fuck the football. And then Brady was like, from then on, I was like, he loved me. Brady loved me after that. That's all it took. I was like, pretending to fuck the football. And then Brady was like, from then on I was like,

Starting point is 01:16:08 Mitch. The rest of the day. And his like, handler guy was like, dude, Brady wants to sign your jersey. At the end of the day, it was what it was. It was great. All of the- So you have a sign?

Starting point is 01:16:17 I got a signed Brady jersey. From Hump in the Football, respect. That's what happens when you follow your comedic instincts, man. I had him sign a bunch of shit. He signed, I worked at the Simpsons, which I didn't even tell you over, because I loved the Simpsons growing up. But I worked there as an assistant to the writers.

Starting point is 01:16:31 I was given a basketball that Conan. Which is different than writer's assistant. That's like they don't let you in the room, they just make you get shit for them. Yes. That means I'm getting, buying 100 yogurts every week. But hey man, you're doing it to make Homer happy. There was a basketball that Conan and Greg Daniels and Rich Appel played basketball with, and all three of them signed it.

Starting point is 01:16:53 And I had Brady sign that basketball. That's awesome. That's fucking awesome. And how many people of those was on the Epstein's flight log? Just me. Just you? Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:17:03 But it's okay. You're cleared now. Yeah. I was just convenient. Yeah. You just caught. Yeah. Yeah. Somebody just caught like a leg, like they had a layover and they're like, I'll just take Epstein's jet from, uh, from Boston to, you know, Florida. I never got to the island. I was just getting to Tampa. What's up to my fun hunters? Oh, baby, it's summertime. I'm sweating. You can see I city biked over here.

Starting point is 01:17:34 I worked up a nice sweat. I can't wait. I've had a hard day of podcasting. I can't wait to get home and you know what I'm going to do? Crack open a delicious, refreshing, twisted tea. That's right. Twisted tea, you know it, you love it. You know all about it. You know we love to keep it twisted over here on this podcast.

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Starting point is 01:18:34 You're gonna love look you listen this podcast. There's no way you just found out about twisted tea They're perhaps our most beloved sponsor They're the kind of sponsor that lets me in lets me do a segment where it's you know We say shit. We say jizz. We say stuff like that. They're cool So what you're gonna want to do is crack open an ice-cold motherfucking can of twisted tea today, okay? Grab and get it wherever you want. I don't that's the thing. I don't get any kickbacks here. I'm just trying to tell you about Twisted Tea. There's no promo code. There's just general.

Starting point is 01:19:10 I'm generally raising awareness for Twisted Tea. That's how much I care about the product. So here's what I want you to do. Grab a refreshing Twisted Tea today and keep it twisted. What else we got Moe? That's like my Italian friends. Bobby.

Starting point is 01:19:28 Bobby. Bobby, big fan, sorry, kind of awkward because this is a weird story and I haven't had a chance to discuss with people around me but I figured I'd ask some advice from you. I'm 24 years old and I currently work as a caretaker for an elderly man whom I met on a sugar daddy website. Whoa. You can call it sex work if you want but this this guy's very physically weak. His mental health isn't great either. You know

Starting point is 01:20:00 he's 80 years old. He doesn't leave his house. He is also, you know, kind of obese for his age, over 230 pounds. He doesn't get out of the clinic here. Sounds awesome. The whole day, he can't get out without his walker. Pretty much pays me to give him showers and show him physical love, like kissing, hugging, touching. I mean, of course his body's so weak his penis doesn't work

Starting point is 01:20:27 So I don't consider it sex work in that way I do genuinely see this job at the caretaker because that is what I'm doing I put like anti-fungus cream on spots You can't read that cellulitis on his legs good He's not able to reach his legs you're gonna feel his legs So I have to put you know like white men able to reach his legs or even feel his legs, so I have to put, you know, like white men and oils on his legs every day. And he's also deaf, so I, someone's gotta change hearing aids from time to time.

Starting point is 01:20:54 But this Pets of the Chase, this guy's pretty much in love with me and wants to marry me, and I've made it clear to him that I'm really only there for the money that he pays me every week. Sure. I mean, that's what was made clear from the start. I'm looking for a shirt or daddy to take care of. Yeah. So he gives me money and I also never asked him about his will or anything about what I get when he's gone.

Starting point is 01:21:19 If anything, he brings it up to me and asks what I want. Every time he asks me, I just point that I just wanna save my money and I'm good with the arrangement that we already have now. But I mean, if he wants to marry me, I feel like I have nothing to lose if I marry him. And I know I'm pretty young, but I've got the time and energy for it.

Starting point is 01:21:40 And he doesn't have much time left. So I just go for it and he doesn't have much time left so I just go for it. Dude what a turn of like hey I've made it very clear I've made my boundaries very clear. Now I don't see the downside in marrying him. I couldn't believe it. Yeah that was an awesome twist. That was an awesome twist. By the way besides 80 years old she was just describing me.

Starting point is 01:22:04 Yeah we. Pen penis doesn't work. Mental illness. Cellulitis, fungus, what have you. I was like, this is everything that she's described, can't touch his toes. Yeah, except he weighs less than both of us. Did she say 230? 230, 240, something like that. Oh my god. Yeah, but you know, years old. Yeah, you know, it's got a lot going on. You know, if I was young, I'd rather weigh like 300. Like that's actually a much healthier age. This is fascinating because I don't, I kind of see where she's coming from. Oh, I don't. You and I, this is maybe again the divide here. This is really, cause love and marriage means, marriage means something to you that does not mean to me. Cardinal law didn't even break it still. There's some holding on, I'm grasping on to some

Starting point is 01:22:57 sort of thing. I know. That is so funny too. A cardinal that covered for child molesters was at your confirmation. There's no more symbolic, you shouldn't believe in this institution. It's like that you could go through. Yes. And you're still like, well, marriages between two people that love each other, what the church tells us.

Starting point is 01:23:20 I like the idea of you, look, I think she's 100% doing a service for this man who is very- And hopefully he's paying you a nice amount. Yes, yeah, I hope he's paying a lot. But he seems lonely, she's doing a good service for this guy. So I feel like if he doesn't want to be lonely, I mean, it just is all of the other side of it of being married to him and I don't know if he has any family or when he will pass away it seems like he's not in great health like that

Starting point is 01:23:47 seems like a lot of stuff yeah yeah I mean and by her luck this motherfucker holds on 15 more years so you get married and then he's just like around yeah I mean like I guess what I see it from is a purely business like you know who fuck it's like the end Nicole Smith pictures with that guy. I see that I'm like, salute. He seemed happy. I mean, he did seem happy. He's happy.

Starting point is 01:24:10 Yeah, he's happy. But here's the thing though. You don't, I think you've actually done a great job in being really honest and open here and like being like, hey, we met on a sugar daddy website. I'm not, this is what I want to do. I'm not saying I'm above this, but it's like we have a specific. And you could even say, look, people get written into Wills

Starting point is 01:24:33 for less than what you're doing all the time. That's also true. So you could be like, look, if you want to take care of him, I'll be here as a caretaker, as a very specific kind of caretaker. Because here's the thing. He is lucky to have found you yeah, right like there's not they like not a lot of people are like Like there's women who are like sugar daddy website. They will hear this and be like, can I just suck him off?

Starting point is 01:24:56 You know, like that's if I were you I'd be like, let me just fuck you I don't want to fucking put ointment on your like to me It's way more gross to put fucking ointment on him than to just suck him off a couple times, right? You actually are providing a service that I think might be harder like a hot nurse that like gives you kisses Tells you you're a sexy old man and like your dick doesn't work anyway, so you're providing Kind of a love to him and caretaking. Like that's two separate jobs. You're a fucking two for one right here.

Starting point is 01:25:29 You are a special person in this guy's life. You do kind of, in my opinion, you don't, it's not crazy to be in his will, especially if he doesn't have other people. So you could say, look, I like our situation. I'm happy to do this work. It is a job to me. I want you to understand that but it's like

Starting point is 01:25:46 but if you wanted if you want to take care of me after you're gone if you want to put me I You get we can do that But this is our relationship if you want to if you want to give me something in the will that I would really appreciate You can even say that I'd really appreciate it But this is what our dynamic is because as much as I see the like, you know, whatever, just get married and then you got the bag for your life. Like even if this is 10, even in worst case scenario, it's like 10 year, 15 starts to get tough.

Starting point is 01:26:14 10 years though, you're 34 and a million. It's like, how much money does this guy have number one? 10 years if you're 34 and you're a fucking multi, you never have to worry again in your life. That ain't so bad, right? But to be a little Mitchish right here, You never have to work again in your life. That ain't so bad, right? That ain't so bad. But to be a little Mitchish right here, you know, I guess you shouldn't have to give away your prime youth to some rich guy, like, because that's how bad the world is financially.

Starting point is 01:26:39 So I say keep doing this job as long as you're comfortable with it. But I don't know, you as long as you're comfortable with it, but I don't know you know and you say Is the marriage thing is that is it gonna be a thing of like I am your like would are you still dating in that scenario? Like I do you get the fuck other guys like what's what about you what you want? And I think me it sounds like this girl is very like She's about her shit like she seems a very ethical about this whole thing where if she agrees to being in a monogamous relationship She sounds like kind of person who would stay like that. Yeah, I don't think you need to do that You're young like and this is the other thing this is how fucked up

Starting point is 01:27:13 This how fucked up inequality is the fact that this girl even has to think about this The fact that you have to do this like just a guy you even if you don't despise him It's like this you're fucking 24 to make ends, you have to rub cream on some old guy's dick. It's like, you don't really deserve, like, you don't deserve to also marry him. You're gonna give that away too? It's like, and again, I get it, life is a nightmare, you might be supporting other people, whatever.

Starting point is 01:27:39 You're in a good enough middle ground here where you could say, look, I like doing this, it's fine, but I don't want to romance. I want to keep, you know, I want to see other people, whatever. If you want to put me in the will, great. But you know, I think there is ultimately as much of a cynic as I am. I think you are right. And be like, marriage is in theory.

Starting point is 01:28:00 Now, look, if you have some kind of weird thing where he's like, I don't fuck whoever you want. If it's like some kind of weird Donald, non-racist Donald Sterling situation where he's like, you let guys fuck you, but you still have to come here and sleep here, whatever, that's possible. But I don't know, dude. At the end of the day, I don't know that it's that necessary. Yeah, I think you have to just, like you're saying, you have to make yourself be happy, whatever that... And the ointment side of it sounds not happy it sounds horrible and I and I get that you have to yeah it's that shitty thing about life like this is you're making money off of this and it and it and it

Starting point is 01:28:36 seems like it's going well but like will you be happy in that scenario and that's the only question you have to ask yourself and it's a tough it's a tough it's a tough one. It's brutal, don't do it. Yeah, don't. And this is really the like, you know, in terms of our societies, both these people, their story is sad.

Starting point is 01:28:55 Yes, yeah. Like this guy has clearly worked, like that's the thing, it's like nobody should feel, you know, sorry for fucking billionaires, whatever, but there is a loneliness to like, you work so hard that you have no one in your life to take care of you. He doesn't have kids, he doesn't have anything.

Starting point is 01:29:10 He has to go on a sugar baby website to find someone to change his fucking diapers. You think he doesn't regret, you don't think he'd be better off having half as much money but a loving family. And this girl, it's like, inequality is so bad that a 24 year old has to be a fucking unregistered sex worker nurse to make ends meet. It's like, this is fucked up for both of them.

Starting point is 01:29:31 This is how fucked up our current system is. It's just insane how much inequality and how bad capitalism has gotten where it's like, no one is fucking doing well except a fucking ghoul like Jeff Bezos who can't pay his fucking workers but has a 50 million dollar wedding in Venice or whatever the fuck. And does a great job with the Amazon streaming service. Yeah, and check out Tomorrow War on the Amazon streaming service. Let's just say I canvassed the market for stand-up specials and I feel a little better about shit-talking Amazon Prime right now They're all fucking the fucking Sarandos and Netflix sucks. I mean it's just like it's like it's true It's like inequality in any way shape or form

Starting point is 01:30:15 Having this many billionaires is just fucked up like no one needs the kind of money We're like when you get to the point where it's just a number on a fucking screen and you're willing to ruin other people's lives so that a number that does not affect your life goes up, you're a piece of shit. There's no way around that. You know what I mean? Also tech guys being like we get art now too, like we get to be in charge of art now. No you don't. You don't get to, you can't. You have fucking bad taste.

Starting point is 01:30:40 Yeah you have awful fucking taste. That's the whole thing and we got called the only thing we end like culture compared to like the actual levers of power we don't have much right yeah we really can't affect things that much all we can do is not allow these guys to be cool that's all we're gonna do guys so stop with this fucking bulls stop doing AI fucking art it sucks it sucks dick it's not it all is the same it's not that creative it's's like, well, you need to see a fucking guy. Oh, look, it's a guy I know, but he's a fucking

Starting point is 01:31:10 baby. Who cares? That's who gives a fuck about Bobby Lee as a baby? Don't do that to this podcast. I know we'd look cute. We're both fat. We're both cute babies. I kind of do want to see the baby version. Just the last one. I kind of do want to see the baby version. Yeah. Just do the last one. I'll show you the real baby pictures. But we don't need this bullshit. Anyway, whatever. It's just like, it sucks.

Starting point is 01:31:32 And so good luck. Don't get married. Keep fucking making your bag in a way that makes you comfortable. But don't sell even matrimony. Not to get, you know. Look, some of the AI stuff like turning Lois Griffin from a cartoon into like a big titty lady. To your girlfriend that will fuck you.

Starting point is 01:31:47 Once we get that, I'm in. Yeah, yeah. Turning Lois, giving Lois a wet dripping pussy. That I can get behind, but that's it! Saying, yes so, pantsomstavros. Getting Lois' name, getting Lois''s voice to say you're a big boy and your dick's not that small. That's okay, but everything else has to stop. That's fine. No, what we need is sexy redheads with big tits learning how to do Lois's voice. We're stealing, there's a girl on OnlyFans, that was her job. She used to do JOIs in Lois's

Starting point is 01:32:23 voice and we've taken the money out of her fucking pocket with these fucking pieces of shit it's sad it's a fucking it's a bummer if you look at my for you on Instagram it's like all it is just like Marge and Lo like coming to life that's all it is those AI videos so fucking funny mine are still just mine are still just flesh and blood big titted women that's how you see you see so many clearly AI, speaking of the loneliness thing. You'll see like an 80 year old big tiddied grandma. Oh dude, I've seen those.

Starting point is 01:32:53 Those are awesome. And it's also so clearly fake. Sorry, I'm trying to find my for you page. Keep talking. It's so clearly fake that you're like, and then you just look at the comments and it's just all these old guys looking good and you're like, Oh God, this is like, it's just gonna get worse. It's gonna get so much for us. If we make it to 80 knock on wood. Oh, dude.

Starting point is 01:33:12 Yeah, they're gonna have shit that's like and I'm I'm already here's how much how effective it is. I'm just looking at girls tits right now. Just I'm in the middle of a podcast and they've do they've what's really what's really yeah. Look at look at my for you page and then look just look at it all and then look at the left corner here That's incredible It's an incredible it's the incredible mom lady coming to life There's a lot of that There's Peter there's Peter with anyway with a sexy Latina AI There's Peter. There's Peter with, anyway, with a sexy Latina.

Starting point is 01:33:45 AI fucking sucks shit. It's horrible. It is horrible. It is fucking horrible. I do feel like people now, if there's nothing to lose and people are like, there is now a final turn. And I've seen so many people, like I told you, like Bugman and a couple other people who are like,

Starting point is 01:33:57 Armin, who are making their own, just making their own shit. And it's doing well. You know what I mean? That's like, and that's exciting shit to me. I really, I mean, I, and I might be wrong, but I do think that we are in a place where I hope we're gonna get entertainment that's like, like, especially in film, that's kinda like,

Starting point is 01:34:19 we're gonna have an indie revolution, I hope. Like the 70s or 90s. 70s or 90s, I think we're due for that because I think because they've made it so hard to make good stuff, because there's no money anywhere, creative people have to be so good, so good with a limited budget that writing, vision, acting, that has to be good, so good that it breaks through.

Starting point is 01:34:44 And we have to, we're going to take our, so good that it breaks through. Yeah. And we have to, we're going to take our lumps maybe for a couple more years. And it might not even be us. Unfortunately, we might get fucked. It might be the kids after us. But I do think knock on wood, we'll get that. But that might just not be it either. If I call them as like the six year old guy they put in their movie or whatever too.

Starting point is 01:35:00 Yeah, absolutely. Also your show, like your Netflix show is an example of that. Absolutely. You know what I mean? Shane paid for that himself. He was like, I believe in this. I'm going to put up my own fucking money. And you know, they let us do that. And then, you know, season one was good, but season two, they actually gave us a writer, you know, John McKeever and Gerben, they gave him a fucking real writers room. They actually, we got to do it for real. And you see, and they

Starting point is 01:35:24 gave us some real actors. Hayden Church we both who we've both worked with he's fucking awesome he's so so great it was so cool to be like we're just a bunch of comedians and it's like you let us actually you give us a budget you give us some time you give us real actors to play off of yeah and it everything got elevated and I do hope and look Shane is a fucking he's selling out arenas like it's crazy that it takes that Somebody that famous in that town did to get a shot like that sure But I hope they will see that from that you get guy people that are less famous, you know, they're you know, I there's a

Starting point is 01:35:58 Movie that looked like the a 24 got a movie looks really interesting. I think sorry, baby. Oh, yeah What's their name? What's the person who did that? But I saw a trailer for that. It looked fucking incredible. Oh right, yeah. What's the name? It's Eva Victor. She directed it and she's in it. Or I think they, I'm sorry. I don't know. I think I saw an interview. But it was just like, I didn't know anything about this movie and it's clearly a super personal story

Starting point is 01:36:27 and just the trailer seemed good, but it's like, you know, they let me make a fucking movie. You know what I mean? And mine was 750 whatever, but it's like, I hope that we're gonna, and like you said, your friends are making shit and so. Yeah, Armand and Nick, Armand Weisman and Nick Kaurasi made a movie in 10 days and then, I don't know if I could even say what

Starting point is 01:36:47 but like yeah it's gotten a lot of good like cool stuff is coming from and I'm like good for those it's fucking awesome I love it so anyway go make stuff if you need to wipe some lotion to save up to make to like fund your life and then you know find a more fulfilling life later that's's good, but it's like... That's the tough thing, it's like I can't tell this person to not make money that they make, you know what I mean? Of course. Like you're 24 years old, you're very young,

Starting point is 01:37:14 there's a lot of life ahead of you and just do what will make you happy. And that is a tough situation to be in. Totally, totally. Yeah. And you're right, it is too sad. It's a sad, it's- On either end, it's like, and even these people who I really don't have empathy for, they're super rich because they are ruining people's lives for ego reasons or because they've,

Starting point is 01:37:33 everything is so empty that it's like, you know, they're soaking the middle class and trying to pretend it's for other reasons. But I wouldn't trade places with them. You know what I mean? Like I really, it's crazy to say that you wouldn't. You have a loving family of all this shit. It's like, and legit, part of me is also scared because I'm like, if you just keep chase, I've been very lucky, but I also see a path where it's like,

Starting point is 01:37:54 all I care about is keep getting successful and forget everything else. And I'll be this fucking guy. I'll be fucking Aidy being like, you're my wife, I love you to some hot 24 year olds like, just please don't go. I can't, I can't. Jack me off with some ointment. Please jack me off, I won't even know the difference. Just tell me I came, I'll believe you. Anyway. You will not be that man.

Starting point is 01:38:21 Hopefully, hopefully not. I'll pull a fucking yeah Here's with another one big mo yeah, I really don't want to be that guy By the way when I was referencing Italians my Italian buddies from back home were always like what's going on there in Hollywood Mikey? My full-blown Italian buddies are like, what's going on? They're making me do gay shit yet? How'd you get on Twister Metal? You have to sack the clown's dick?

Starting point is 01:38:51 The clown making Suck his dick in the ice cream truck, Mike? You could tell us. We'll find him. They think he's real. We'll find him. We'll fuck up every guy in an ice cream truck till we find that fucking clown who made you suck him off. I made that choice on my own, damn it.

Starting point is 01:39:06 Don't force me to do it. We were two grown adults, we hit it off. You know, he's a really sweet guy when you get to know him. All right, what else we got? Hey, it's Bobby. First time, long time. I had a question about parents and social media. So my fiance's dad just got an Instagram and I wouldn't have added him if it weren't for

Starting point is 01:39:34 the fact that he brought it up on the phone and I couldn't just be like, dude, I'm not going to follow you. I'm not going to follow me. But now that he is, anytime I post anything, he's always just like saying, nice pics or cool shot. These are really generic messages to every story I post, every actual tile I post on my Instagram. I know I could just do close friends, but I recognize that I just do close friends but I recognize that he's really trying to reach out and we don't really talk very often. They live in a different state and different cities so we don't get to see each other that often either and I kind of want to, I don't know, respond appropriately but I actually don't know what to say to these messages or what he's trying to convey.

Starting point is 01:40:25 So what I'm asking for is even tips on how to reply to a future father-in-law that's maybe replying to every single one of my stories with a real boomerene message of looking for any sweet responses and maybe ways I should think about this and maybe even tackle it as, since it's obviously making me feel weird. Thanks, love you, bye. Yeah. This is hard because it's like, yes, he doesn't mean it. He's actually trying to be nice and,

Starting point is 01:40:57 this is how my mom uses Instagram. She has no idea. And it's like, and he responds to everything you say, it's because he follows seven people. Yeah, he follows like Everyone in your family like wolf blitzer or some bullshit just some guy. He's probably replying to wolf Stories in the same good one wolf Get him Get those extreme liberal Muslims

Starting point is 01:41:19 And get you know what I mean? Like like yeah, it's like you in Mission Impossible And get, you know what I mean? Like, yeah, it's like- Just saw you in Mission Impossible. Yeah. He's not gonna let me. This is a fun one. It's fun, it's cute. It's cute.

Starting point is 01:41:32 But it is interesting, like, well, first of all, it's on your husband, or future husband, to talk to his dad about his Instagram. Yes, that's true, yeah. Like, if, you know, if my mom was acting up, I wouldn't tell my girlfriend to be like, you should talk to my mom and tell her to stop commenting on your shit. I'd be like, mom, stop fucking commenting.

Starting point is 01:41:54 Yes. You know what I mean? Or you're overdoing it. Or just like, just give it a like. You don't have to comment on everything. And if he's like, oh, did she say something about it? Just have your boyfriend be like, no, I noticed. I saw it.

Starting point is 01:42:07 I saw it. And it's just like, you don't have to comment on everything. That's not how people use Instagram. Because they don't know the etiquette. Yeah. Like, they're just like, they think you texted them, essentially. Yes. Every time you post something, it's like, oh like they tell you like oh they just sent me a picture

Starting point is 01:42:26 It's like great picture. Yes, you know looking great Sally That's that's where my like I'm like if you wrote back and we're just like oh my god, I missed so many messages I'm so sorry, which is probably just an Instagram like I don't look at my Instagram inbox like it's email or whatever It's like I missed all these messages. I'm sorry He might not even reply to that message I don't look at my Instagram inbox like it's email or whatever. So you're just like, I missed all these messages. I'm sorry. He might not even reply to that message. He just might reply to a story later and you'll know like, Oh, he just doesn't, he's just replying to anything he sees. But I also think ultimately this is harmless.

Starting point is 01:42:56 Yeah. And like, if it's not horny in any way, like that's what I was afraid of. I don't think it's horny. I don't think if it's horny, there's an easier solution. I don't think that's horny. I think it's just purely, um, he's just like, he's over... Honestly, to read between the lines, she's just embarrassed that her father-in-law

Starting point is 01:43:15 comments on every post. She's just embarrassed that people that don't know her very well just see some old guy being like, cool shot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? And it's like, look, I had to break it to you. This is part of getting married. I mean, 100%.

Starting point is 01:43:28 You're washed. Yeah, yeah. You're getting washed, bro. This is what you're signing up for. This is part of life. And so I don't know. Your in-laws are going to be fucking annoying. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:43:38 That is it. So I think you just have to live with him being a constant presence. And just say to your, and and now look if you wanted to get Diabolical with it you could restrict him. Yeah, because that way other people don't see it but you could also but you could occasionally unrestrict and Like like it or you could like it or you or you could reply to him only in DM So it doesn't look like. But I think occasionally

Starting point is 01:44:06 hitting him with a thanks mark exclamation point is not the end of the world. You know what I mean? That maybe feels like liking what he's saying. I mean if what he's saying doesn't bother you. Yeah hit it with a heart and move on and just realize that yes this part of getting married you're fucking now You know it could be worse these could be horny ones It's like you didn't look you didn't get the best case scenario

Starting point is 01:44:30 Which is they don't hit you up at all on social media Yeah, you didn't get the worst case which is they're weird they're weird or they're getting political or they're like but in some ways, this is the worst one because He's just annoying enough that you can never call him out on it Yeah one because he's just annoying enough that you can never call him out on it. Yeah. But if he ever started saying it, you almost have to goad him into a political discussion. You almost have to be like, you know, you almost have to like, you put like free Palestine and if he's a Zionist and hoping to like goad him into an argument and then be like, all

Starting point is 01:44:59 right, great. He's fucking now I get to start. You don't want to do that. You don't want to do that, right? You want like you want... You don't want to start dropping... But you don't want to do that. You don't want to do that, right? You want to just not listen to him at all. If you have political differences with an interlaw, you want to ignore that because it's like... So basically, you don't want to rock the boat. You just want to do that. And if it's anyone's job, it's your fiancé to tell him like, hey, dial it back a little

Starting point is 01:45:21 bit. You can just like things. Make a rule where you only comment every three pictures or something. I was gonna say the restriction thing is maybe not a bad idea, but like, is he one of the, like you said, like one of the seven people,

Starting point is 01:45:34 put him on the restriction list with my Instagram, it's me and the dad. Yeah. But like, put him on there, but if he's one of seven people that he, if you're one of seven people he follows, he will notice. And also he'll be able to tell if like other people aren't seeing his comments. Yes, yeah. He can be on his wife's Instagram and be like, hey, my comment's not showing up.

Starting point is 01:46:01 So it's like you don't want to start playing these mind games. You don't have to start worrying this much. You just have to stop. I think the subtext here is you're a little worried about your Instagram being cool. Sorry, man. This is part of fucking growing up. That's the best advice of all is never let Instagram drama affect actual life. Yes.

Starting point is 01:46:21 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know that that's like, put your phones away, man. And I know what it is like when I'm posting anything. Yeah, don't let that shit fucking bother you, you fucking bitch. Oh, fuck, are we doing a podcast? The Cleveland show coming to life in AI. I'm literally texting somebody back right now.

Starting point is 01:46:40 I make the joke, and I'm just like, you did see something that caught your eye. Yeah, I can't, you can't, I spent so much time like being like, I gotta post this thing for work or whatever and it does just put me to a place where I'm like, I just hate, I hate Instagram and it is just a worthless thing in the end. So you know, you're in-laws posting embarrassing stuff every so often, who gives a shit really?

Starting point is 01:47:04 Not to dismiss the issue, but... But it's a tough... this is part of growing up, babe. And yeah, just like, you know, maybe have your husband talk to him if it really is, if it's getting way too annoying. But hit the man with a like, hit him with an occasional thanks, whatever. That's it. He has to figure out that's how Instagram works. Whatever that's it. He has to figure out that's how Instagram works. Yeah Place another one play us this play us a voicemail You're the moment Play us a motherfucking voicemail

Starting point is 01:47:35 You just do you hate boss because Ravens Patriots is that the is that the is that like the that's it, right? There's no other reason. I also don't like the Celtics. Oh really, wow. Oh, the Knicks. It's sorting Knicks, it's also, although you know what, I did like the first KG team because I loved KG. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:47:53 The thing is like, I was a nomad NBA fan for a while because Baltimore had no teams and I couldn't like, you know, DC and Baltimore just, I hate when people pick up a surrounding city. It's one thing if you live in a small town and you pick up the biggest, you're just like, oh, that's the big city around us. But it's like, we're two completely different cities with different identities. I'm not going to root for their NBA team.

Starting point is 01:48:16 So I would always pick and choose people to root for. I really liked the, I liked the, I really liked the, you know, Kings when they were against the Lakers. And I liked the, and KG was one of my guys, cause he's just so fucking, Allen Iverson was like my fucking guy. I love that, I love that. And then KG was my guy. And then when he got traded, I was like,

Starting point is 01:48:38 I'm rooting for him, whatever. But then I think probably with Boston, it was like, I don't know exactly, I think it, first of all, it translates, like the sports hate goes. So it's like Orioles, Yankees, it's like in baseball, you know, not that we were that good ever, but it was like, I got annoyed that you guys were winning too much, you know what I mean?

Starting point is 01:48:59 It was like, the Reds, I know, but it was the flip when you're fucking, you know, grandparents and shit. I'm tired of people my age talking about it was so hard it wasn't hard for you I wasn't fucking kid it was actually perfect for me exactly exactly 18 and then like they exactly to win it was like I don't want to hear that from young fucking Boston fans were like we went through it's like no your fucking grandfather went through it you didn't go through fucking shit right so it was the kind of thing where it was like they were winning too much and then we did become annoying. I agree with that. Bostonians became fucking annoying. Boston just became annoying overall.

Starting point is 01:49:29 And then from a from a basketball standpoint, what I kind of glommed onto, I was a Knicks fan obviously, but I was like I kind of was rooting for LeBron against the Warriors annoyed me, especially after they got KD. So I became more of a, I became a LeBron guy and then LeBron became like this symbol of my youth. So it's like as long as LeBron's still there, it's like I'm still a child. Like I remember him, I remember hearing about LeBron when I was in middle school, dude.

Starting point is 01:49:57 That's how long my relationship to this guy has been. And I hated- And the Southwicks hate LeBron, right? Like they hate LeBron. So it was like rooting for LeBron ended up kind of like, and then the New York, so it's like, Baltimore has a natural, the Ravens and the Patriots, and then New York and, you know, moving to New York and being like, I kind of, because I'm a Knicks fan, I've adopted the Knicks, I've been there 10 years. So anyway, it's just a general, too

Starting point is 01:50:20 much winning, all these things that I was rooting for kind of were clashing against Boston enough that I was just like kind of were clashing against Boston enough that I was just like, fuck Boston sports. I mean, cool Boston people will be like, our fans are annoying. They know that we are too annoying with a lot of shit. But like, I mean, I remember watching Do the Right Thing and being like, I don't like this movie, they're mean.

Starting point is 01:50:37 And then watching it again as an adult and being like, oh, all right. I got the best, instead of them being mean about Larry Bird. Completely missing out. It's just like so over my head. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Instead of them being mean about Larry Bird. Completely missing out. It's just like so over my head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like it did feel like, does that like us against the world? I mean, that's any city, of course. Every city has that, yeah.

Starting point is 01:50:53 In the world. But like we did, I was like 18 and we had sucked at like, the Red Sox sucked. And that was my favorite team. Well, that's the irony is I loved the red the first Red Sox comeback That was great. It was like fuck the Yankees at first and foremost I'm sorry, and it was like that team is also there's like so many pieces of shit But then the further we can if like this if the Red Sox had never won a again

Starting point is 01:51:17 Yeah, I think I still would have affection for the Red Sox. It's like it's so cool They fucked the Yankees cuz fuck the Yankees. But yeah, since then, they've won too much. Everyone has been a fucking piece of shit. Everyone like, you know, so it's like... That's a test for me if I saw Schilling and was like, well if I would be like, thank you sir, I think I still would just be like, thank you for everything. I wouldn't be able to go,

Starting point is 01:51:39 this guy sucks. It still is broken in my head. Totally. You're like, but the bloody Sox. The bloody Sox fucking worked. The bloody Sox,. It worked for me. The bloody sock. He should get to be racist. He should be allowed a little bit of racism because of the bloody sock.

Starting point is 01:51:51 Steal money for his video game company. What the fuck he did. I was also, you won't like this either, but I was at that playoff game with Raven. You told me about this. Oh, I'm sorry. No, no, no, no. You told me about this because I had just

Starting point is 01:52:02 done Edelman's podcast. I held the ball. Yeah. Because you were at had just done Edelman's podcast. I held the ball. Yeah. Because you were at the game where Edelman threw a touchdown against the Ravens on a trick play. And he literally let me hold it. And I was like, you have to take this away from me.

Starting point is 01:52:16 I was like, I'm going to fuck this ball up. I'm in his home. He's giving me like a, and I'm like, the fucking Mongoloid Ravens fan kicks in, I'm like, give me a knife. You claw, you fucking piece of shit, that was our year. Anyway, yeah. That was, it's funny, because I've always,

Starting point is 01:52:35 I mean, this is the advantage you get when you just win a lot, where I'm like, I have no bad feelings towards the Ravens, I kind of was rooting for them the last few years. You get to have that benevolent, like, well, if it couldn't have been us, I wish it would, it's like, towards the Ravens. I kind of was rooting for them the last few years. You get to have that benevolent like, well, if it couldn't have been us, I wish it would. It's like, shut the fuck up. You wanted it.

Starting point is 01:52:50 You wouldn't say that if you lost, you fucking cocksuckers. But anyway, yeah, I'm glad we got that all on record, though. It's important. Folks, you know we're Ridge Boys around here. You know they make high quality mother-fricking wallets. We're talking luggage, premium everyday gear. You know how much I love. I haveickin wallets. We're talking luggage premium everyday gear You know how much I love I have a little rich backpack. I have the wallet. I got it all I don't know if you know this though

Starting point is 01:53:12 They're doing their legendary sweepstakes for the fifth time and this time. It's legitimately buck wild I mean you two lucky winners will get to choose between a $300,000 Lamborghini Huracan Storado, $150,000 Hennessy Velociraptor, or a 100k in cold hard American cash. Um, that's insane. The, first of all, the Lambo, it's an off-road super, like supercar. Like, it's not, usually the problem with these fucking with like a luxury cars Like they're lowest shit to the ground if you're fat as shit like me or eldest you can't even drive over a top

Starting point is 01:53:52 Speed bump without scraping all the fucking all the all the gear underneath this fucking thing is a it's an off-road Supercar it's insane Sick of v10 With 610 horsepower. I've been truly out of this world. And look, so is that a little... I don't really know, unless you're trying to... You're James Bond.

Starting point is 01:54:15 I don't know why the fuck you would need that car, but it's fucking sick as shit. Maybe you want something a little more practical that's also awesome. The Hennessy Velociraptor. Fucking sick. The Raptor, I mean you know, it's a big ass Ford truck. It's mostly the most big dickard Ford truck possible. 558 horsepower twin turbo.

Starting point is 01:54:36 It's an American muscle car. Uh, put into an all-terrain truck. I think honestly, I've never been a truck. I think of the three I would pick that because that's just first of all I am still too even if it's an off-road supercar I'll be in that fucking Lambo like this. I would take the Velociraptor because it's fucking awesome. And so here's the thing. It's completely free to enter. Just go to ridge.com. No, you know, go right there there if you want to

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Starting point is 01:55:45 What else we got little Momo? Hey Stavi, I'll try to keep it short and sweet for you. All right I'm going to the gym and these fucking these teenagers are fucking bullying me, bro Just like you know make fun of my outfit or like my form I don't know what the fuck I did to these kids But they got a fucking out for me dude, and I can't whoop the shit out of them cuz they're minors And I want to be like a little bitch and go up to the staff and be like oh no these kids You're making fun of me. Can you ban them?

Starting point is 01:56:21 So like I don't know what to do bro like I just do I stoop to their level like, I don't know what to do, bro. Like, do I just, do I stoop to their level? And like, I don't know. Like, pretend to shake their hands and pull it away real fast and go, ooh, not so slick, huh? You know, like what the fuck? How do I get these little shits back, bro, okay? Cause there's these jack fucking 16 year olds

Starting point is 01:56:41 with their ego out of their mind and like, there's no stopping them, bro Dude, I was trying to get fucking water and these little shit start barking at me How do I get back at these fucking kids without breaking the law Do I just wait till they're old enough so I kick the shit out of them? Or like sounds like they'd beat you up right now. Every time I go to the gym, I don't know to expect these motherfuckers to you. And I just lately I've just been putting in my earbuds and just ignoring them, you know, but they that doesn't keep them from like, you know, talking on me. I don't know what the fuck I did to these kids.

Starting point is 01:57:25 All right, man, let me know. Actually, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Y'all are gonna say, hmm, some info's missing here. I think he did use something for the kids. They were just making fun of me and I was like, chicken jockey, and then, I don't know why I said that, but after that, they just called me around going, chicken jockey, chicken jockey blue blue jockey guy

Starting point is 01:57:45 I hope this call ends with my right ass kicked by the kids All right, let me know love you stop love you LD love you guess Yeah, I mean you're kind of fucked this is like the thing in prison where they're like you have to you only get to make one first impression You're fucked at this gym unless you become like funny like clearly they had your ass You were you were mad and then you got you tried to get back at them with a lame-ass fucking comeback Yeah, and they probably if you just ignore them They probably would have left you alone eventually, but you tried to hit him back with and you had nothing

Starting point is 01:58:24 Can I say that this is the most embarrassing call of the day? It's the worst one they probably would have left you alone eventually, but you tried to hit them back with, and you had nothing. Can I say that this is the most embarrassing call of the day? It's the worst one, dude. It's, I mean, look, also, this is a nightmare, right? Sure, 100%. Because teenagers, like groups of teens bullying you is. It's happened to me my whole. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:58:41 My whole life. You don't want, you want to avoid this like I think do you know what you know my high school I went to private school for what my parents sent me to private school because I was a fuck up and that's my private school my freshman year and your freshman year okay and we've since buried the hatchet we text about this but the guy who was meeting me my first me was Ryan Whitney who's a professional hockey pod we buried that the hatchet. He does a fucking bar school hockey podcast. We buried the hatchet.

Starting point is 01:59:06 It was not even like, it wasn't even, and he was like, I don't remember it that way. It was kind of like what it was. But it was always- No bully ever does, by the way. It was that sort of thing where I was just like, if I like stand up to this bully, he's like, he's gonna kick the shit out of me.

Starting point is 01:59:18 He was an NHL. Oh, I love that like, you just, they're just as afraid of you. It's like, no, they're not. Some are not. Their mother was on meth when they fucking gave birth to them. I love that like you just they're just as afraid of you. It's like no, they're not Their mother they were they were their mother was on meth when they fucking gave birth to them They don't have fear the fear part of their brain was fucking burned out. These kids are barking at him He's not and they smell blood in the water. Yes, like this is just like any bullying situation except you're a grown man and their children and you got nothing and it's like

Starting point is 01:59:44 you can go full beta if they bark at you like meow grown man and they're children and you got nothing and it's like you can go full beta if they bark at you like meow at them and like become like just be like I'm a little weirdo freak and yeah and like have them own you have them own you forever or get you can go to a new gym I guess yeah I mean you gotta go to a new gym you're I mean it's funny cuz he thinks he could beat them up but it doesn't is he jacked? No. Like we need. I mean, it's funny because he thinks he could beat them up, but it doesn't, is he jacked? No. Like we need a little more influence.

Starting point is 02:00:07 Like are they more physically imposing? Like are they, because if you're jacked and they're still mocking you, that's even more hilarious. Yes. I mean, it's almost just funny. They don't respect you at all. They completely, they completely have owned you. You ruined it with Chicken Jockey.

Starting point is 02:00:23 Yeah, it is kind of on you in a lot of ways. I think that these guys are, I mean, you could do the earnest thing and just be like, hey, I mean, it's over. You have to, I mean, if you really, the only way out is through like just school yard tactics. You just have to bully them back, but I don't think you have it in you. I mean, you have to just accuse them of being gay with each other. That's all children understand

Starting point is 02:00:49 It's like, you know say, you know, you know call them literally You have to just stoop to the level of being a fucking but that might backfire on you too Like they might be gay. Well, they're like, yeah, we're gay We just sucked each other off on the foot in the you know in our car before we're lifting like kids now You never know right? It's like, what kind of kids are these? Because the thing is, there is that type of weird Andrew Tate, Meathead conservative kid. That it's like, those kids you can get by just accusing them of being gay.

Starting point is 02:01:19 I like the divide here too, where I was like, get on all fours and have them own you. And you're like, bully them back. Those are the two paths though. It should be so weird they're like what the fuck or like you have to fight back which is just usually not we don't tell an adult man to do this yes or yeah just put your headphones in and ignore them but it's like I don't think I could take doing that and I would just have to I would try to bully them back But I don't think honestly, I don't think I would ever be in this predicament, man I think I think you just fucked up so bad and your vibes are those of a guy that gets bullied Yeah, I think you're right. First of all, you're very funny. You would yeah

Starting point is 02:01:59 But even me this is my job. It would take all my powers and it would be a coin flip. There's still a chance these teens own me, right? So it's a hard proposition. This is worse than anything. Like, if this is a guy your age, you're just like, shut the fuck up, man. I'm fucking working out. Yeah, well, you're a 40-year-old man, why are you bullying me? Exactly.

Starting point is 02:02:20 If it's somebody your age, you're like, dude, shut the fuck up. And if it's somebody your age, you could even literally tattle, Because you're like, hey, man, I paid too much fucking money to this gym to be annoyed by this guy. But when it's children, everyone would be like, you're going to tell on these children? You're just really fucked here, dude. You have to get in your gym. You're a pussy.

Starting point is 02:02:38 You're not going to be able to handle it. There's no getting around this. There's just no getting around this. I think you're right. This is like getting around this. There's just no getting around this. I think you're right. This is like getting bed bugs. It's like you have to just move. When you have teen bullies at your gym, there's no treatment for that. Other than bully them back. I guess, you know the other thing that maybe will work is if they're trying to be funny and acting like it's not funny. I think that is, I mean, that always mattered to me as a teen,

Starting point is 02:03:07 but I feel like as a gaggle of teens, it won't work. Because they don't respect you anyway. Like, and in fact, all that matters is it's funny to them. You know? And the only way is to under, like now the way you get around this by, cause here's the other thing, they all have insecure, they're teens, right? They all have insecurities, they all have their own, like the only way of doing this is to Machiavellianly study these teens.

Starting point is 02:03:33 There's one who's the leader that they all kind of secretly hate, he has a secret, like you have to embarrass, like you have to really like, Yeah, follow these kids home. You literally have to like do surveillance, you have to hire a private detective to see what these kids hopes and dreams are and like crush them that way. And unless you're willing to do that level of like work into this, you're not strong. You're the strongest dude in the world. That is smart. That will maybe scare them. But you're fucked. It sounds like maybe you deserve some of the bullying. So it does sound like you're so worked up

Starting point is 02:04:12 about this. Like part of the problem is, if kids like called me fat or whatever, and I was like, we're gonna be like, good one, you fucking pussies, then I'd move on. Like, I don't fucking care. Go fucking you know what I mean? I would just like a cue, I would just be like, go fucking do TikTok dances and suck each other off. And then I'd be like, and I would just leave. And then they're like, and then what are they going to do? Fight me? Yeah. You know, like you just, you were affected by teenagers mocking you. That's true. And you're, and the fact that you care enough to even call in means you're

Starting point is 02:04:40 done. Go to a fucking, yeah, go to a- Go to a new gym. You lost your gym because of this. You lost your gym to children, man. I do understand being afraid of teens, I understand that. That is, they are in good shape. They could, I mean, I think they could kick your ass. There is no one more ruthless than teens in the right situation. That's like the meanest, I will never, like, I can make fun of myself

Starting point is 02:05:07 because of being a Bostoner. Yeah, what you go through as a, yeah, I went to Baltimore City Public Schools. That's part of why you learn how to make fun of each other. You have to learn how to make fun of someone. To survive. To survive, yeah. And you blew it.

Starting point is 02:05:20 And you don't have it. Chicken jockey, what the fuck were you thinking? Yeah. Did you see the movie? Did you whatever? Yeah Hit us with one to go out on here a little mo And by the way, we didn't plug anything Please listen to doughboys twisted metal just like about this might come out in a month Honestly, so it will be actually honestly the finale will probably be close to it's the the finale is the end of of August cool

Starting point is 02:05:46 Perfect. Yeah, this is come out at some point. I love it and maybe it'll be early August but Go to peak go to the cock download the cock and watch my baby Kind of course listen to the boys which legit has become like my favorite podcast. You're a good man I fucking love I love fat I love fast food as much as you guys and I really am not kidding where I'm like I will do the podcast every twice Some like if I lived here and you guys had fallouts, I would be like I'll do it We would have you on all the time you immediately knew exactly I mean, that's how Nick and I bought Nick who is not even really a fat guy much all in here

Starting point is 02:06:19 But Nick Weigra my co-host is like we were just both loved fast. Yeah. Like, we genuinely loved it. And just soberly discussing it. And it's like, the jokes happened by accident. But the point is to actually, like, when we were hanging out in DC. That's my comedy career. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:06:35 Jokes happening by accident. But when we were in DC, me, you, and Gabris were legitimately just like talking about other chains. Like, hm, and we were like really talking, like it was like a fucking debate, a true debate. You went and got Ann Pizza on your own. I needed to be a part of the conversation. I love that.

Starting point is 02:06:52 You're always, you're always welcome to be on. Thank you, brother. I go to Hawaii. Hey Sal, so I have a question. I was flying a lot this past month, and so back to back flights, and being a large body person also, during one of my flights I missed the snack time because I was so sleepy after

Starting point is 02:07:14 the takeoff. But at the same time when I woke up I wanted my snack. I wanted my snack. I wanted my little drinkie. I wanted my fucking snack. I wanted my snack. I wanted my little drinkie. I wanted my little pretzel. So I asked the flight attendant for my snack. They ignored me. And then so I asked the other one for the snack.

Starting point is 02:07:34 And then I saw them talking to each other. Oh no. And then the first one that ignored me originally came back and handed me five handfuls of like a big handful of cookies. So obviously that's an act to me for being big. So what do I do? Do I contact the flight? No. Airlines Airlines or just like go just try to let my ego be bruised Yeah, or should I say something? Okay, love you. Bye We're all in the same community here. Yeah, okay

Starting point is 02:08:14 You got you got to take it. You're only tattling never makes anything better No, never ever make it's only very specific only very specific situations where tattling makes things better. But it's like, you might have like a fucking there might be some kind of fat asterisk on your, you know, on your delta thing now, like, and yes, were they rude to you? Sure. But also, I've been, you know, I've been asleep and be like, I miss my cookies and asked with too much, like, asked with too much fucking intensity. Farting into the fucking cockpit.

Starting point is 02:08:49 Are there any more Biscoffs? I've been, I've asked with too much. And like, look into your soul deeply. Did you ask two people too quickly? And did you deserve this? No. No. You did not. this? No. No. You did not. Let me be very clear. That's incredibly passive-aggressive and very rude.

Starting point is 02:09:09 Like, at the very least they should have given you like like if they wanted to give you a couple like a bag, an extra bag like that's one thing. They'd be like, well you asked twice. Here's two cookies. Whatever. Still rude. But is it possible you asked like

Starting point is 02:09:24 like did you give, the person ignored you, like, be honest with yourself in terms of the play-by-play. You know, it sucks that we have to think this way, but it's like, that is the life of a fat airline passenger, is that like, they're gonna disrespect you, it's hell already. All we have are our cookies, I understand where you're coming from, but

Starting point is 02:09:46 You can't snitch here. This is it just can't there's nothing good comes from putting snitch energy in the world 100% you know what I mean? I remember when I was when I went to Camp Burgess the after Camp Fatima Yeah, yeah, and I remember there was like in the mornings They would do like every cabin would say a thing and they went fat kid to me. And like that is like, you know, you get like, and I, and I swallowed it. I never, I never said it, but it did it to this day. I remember it. So wait, what happened? It was like, they would, like you would be like, like a good morning or like, you know what I mean? Like you would do a thing. And then for me they went fat kid and they pointed

Starting point is 02:10:21 the whole, the whole cabin and the whole the whole cabin like I know I know so look that's your that's your counselor's fault by the way letting all happen the counselors that same counselor later Asked me for my grateful dead shirt. He's like can I have your grateful dead shirt because I was the same size as like It was a cool grateful desert That's insane, dude. That's crazy. It was a cool grateful dancer. I was like, no. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 02:10:46 That's an insane thing to ask someone. Also, it was like the time where I was like, wait, I'm the fat. Because I told you, that was like one of the points where I was like, oh, fuck, I'm fat. I'm the fat kid. It was a bummer. But first of all, you have to, on flights,

Starting point is 02:10:59 you need to be prepared. I always tell the flight attendant, if you come around with food or drinks, wake me up, or something like that. I always do that. You're right. Fat person on the flight, hell, it sucks all the time. I don't fit into a bathroom.

Starting point is 02:11:12 I got a Delta car just to fly first class because now that's the only way I'll travel. The only kind of thing they do for big people is that you can take your CPAP. I'm going to Hawaii and I'm like dreading it. Yeah. Just because I'm not flying first class there. I'm going to sit with my mom and sister. And I'm like, I'm not going to fit in the seat.

Starting point is 02:11:30 It's going to be uncomfortable. But the one good thing they do is they let you take your CPAP. The CPAP is an extra carry on. Yeah. Put a lay around my CPAP. Yeah. When we get to Hawaii. They put the lay on your CPAP.

Starting point is 02:11:43 They put an apple in your mouth. Oh sorry sir, sorry we mistook you for the pig we're roasting later tonight. Weeee I'm like running away. Yeah and look it's like here's the other thing though, when you miss a snack, yes. You did miss the window, you do have to be a little more patient. Yeah. They will give it to you eventually, but whenever, and it's not just a snack, it's like when you miss anything,

Starting point is 02:12:13 when you miss the drink, when you miss whatever, like, you know, it might take a while for you to get it. Now again, they don't, you don't deserve this treatment. No. Giving you five is fucking crazy. It's fucking insane. But. I also want to say that, look, I would be in my head about that too, but there's a slight possibility that lady was like, I'm going to be nice and give

Starting point is 02:12:32 more and not even thinking about, not even thinking about maybe like it, maybe it was a subconscious thing or something. And we've all been there. We're like self-hating fat thoughts or like they were being, they were, they were whispering to me, whispering about me. And look, you might be right, I don't know we weren't there, but it's like, it doesn't help to look at the most negative in these circumstances. And it's been, it's ostensibly been at least a few days, maybe weeks after this, and you're still thinking about it, right?

Starting point is 02:13:00 And if you write it up, you'll be like, I wonder what Delta is going to do about it. And you're going to be thinking about it even longer. We don't know there was Delta, whatever, fucking, whatever airline you're with, that also matters too. If you're on a discount airline, they're dickheads to everyone, right? So that's another thing. Man, we should, I know, I hate every actor in the world

Starting point is 02:13:18 creating businesses. Fat air. But we should create fat air. Yeah. Fat air, like, it's just the planet shaking. There air like... Like the planet's shaking. They're clipping buildings. Not how the physics work at all.

Starting point is 02:13:32 Just because it's fat people, it's flying lower. Yeah, we have to go in on fat air. I mean, it is... they treat fat people like shit. Yeah. And it's not fair, but... Well, they treat everyone. Yeah, yes. The thing about first class is that

Starting point is 02:13:47 it's what a human being deserves. Yeah. It's base dignity. It's not like the craziest, most fucking comfortable seat. It's just a seat where you don't feel uncomfortable every moment, right? Regular seats, you just feel like

Starting point is 02:14:02 fucking shit the whole time. I was a JetBlue guy forever. They had a little extra room and stuff. They had extra leg room, which that's like, I loved it. And then a new CEO took over, of course. And then they were like, we're getting rid of Coke and we're going to Pepsi, which I already was like, this is fucked up. Bad sign.

Starting point is 02:14:17 That was my blood. As a fat guy, my blood was already boiling. And then they were like, they made the decision to slim the seats. It's like, what on earth, human beings are bigger than they've ever been. Why would you ever fucking slim the seats? It doesn't make any sense. And then like, you know, dickheads online.

Starting point is 02:14:33 Cause they saved money. They saved money and they could pack more people in or whatever it is. It is just a money thing. And then dickheads online are like, you should be, or pay for two seats or whatever. And that's why I do just fly. And I'm lucky that I can fly first class. By the way I tried paying for two seats before

Starting point is 02:14:48 I've done that before they don't make it easy everyone tells you fat buy two seats I would do that and they like nobody knew how to do it yes they were made and they would like call out like oh like and then when they figured it out they like laughed they'd be like like I had a guy like wait oh it's for but they're like they're both for you and they were like it's like hey man if you're gonna tell us to do it and I tried to do it don't make it fucking embarrassing I literally did that before I could afford first class I was like alright I'm fat as shit I travel for a stand-up I did it a couple times it was

Starting point is 02:15:20 so mortifying that I was like or it was just so it wasn't even more fine you can't do it online you have to call and they're gonna probably try to fill that seat it like that's what flights do Yeah, like they're trying to get everyone into the plane exactly exactly So anyway, whatever but but yeah, it's fucked up That's that's a perfect example of how it's just the company trying to make more money So they make it horrible on everyone Yeah, and then we cannibalize each other where people feel so good, so superior morally to fat people that it's like they get to just like, oh, I can just make fun of this person and I'm better than them because I'm not fat. And so instead

Starting point is 02:15:56 of being mad at fucking the JetBlue CEO for taking legroom that everyone could have used, but fat people could use it a little more you're like fuck you fat ass yeah but anyway I mean don't snitch move on with your life and look and we do this a lot no one who only fat people can listen to this part everybody else go away turn the podcast off if you're not fat listen you could we could all use a little lose a little weight they are right there I hate I hate to say it but I've lost a little weight and I do feel a little better thin people

Starting point is 02:16:27 It's not for their reasons. It's not for their reasons. I'm just saying I know I've been healthier and I feel a little better So it's like don't let don't I'm not saying you you know I'm not saying you deserve to be but just like Just be a little healthier. It's okay, it's okay, you don't have to feel bad about yourself. And then the other thing- The fucking thin people will always be like, I'll search ZipBound just to get mad. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 02:16:53 I've seen people being like, that will give you cancer. I'm like, so will being fat will give you cancer too for a heart attack, you know what I mean? Yeah, absolutely. But- I'll roll the dice, baby. One last thing I'll say too is like, what would you even say if you made a complaint?

Starting point is 02:17:09 I asked for cookies and they gave me cookies. Yeah. They gave me a little bit more cookies, by the way. And then Brennan said, I'm fat. So I took that as an insult. Yeah. And it is possible, but I'm just saying it doesn't write up.

Starting point is 02:17:24 100%. You probably won't get justice. So move on move on with your life and that's all I'll say this too If that if that flight attendant was giving you extra cookies as like a fuck you your fat thing Then they have to live with themselves being a shitty person forever. You know, I mean like that's the problem There's no justice though. They feel good about being shitty. They love it. But that sucks. You're not that person and you can be grateful for not being that fucking piece of shit.

Starting point is 02:17:51 That's a good point to look at it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Be kind to people and just, you know, snitching is not good in general, I would say. Yeah. But good luck out there. We feel for you. That is brutal.

Starting point is 02:18:00 Fuck them. You gotta tell them to wake you up. You just gotta tell them to wake you up. That's it. Yeah, put a big sign on your face. Like, don to wake you up. You just got to tell them to wake you up. That's it. Yeah, put a big sign on your face like, don't wake me up. Just put the cookies in my mouth while I sleep. Undo my CPAP. Put the cookie in and put my CPAP back on. All right. Well, on that note, we're going to end the episode, guys. Thank you so much for listening, Mike. Thank you for being here.

Starting point is 02:18:26 Thank you for having me. It's an honor. Yeah, and we will talk to you guys next time. Bye bye.

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Stavvy's World - #140 - Mike Mitchell

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