Stavvy's World - #143 - Nick Viagis and Ivy Wolk

Episode Date: August 25, 2025

Nick Viagis and Ivy Wolk join the pod to discuss their totally healthy totally normal friendship, their dads being A1 gooners, conquering speech impediments, being unable to resist toxic flings, and much more. Nick, Ivy, and Stav help callers including a gay poly man who says he can’t find gay guys to date who still use condoms, and a woman in a local watercolor class who is irritated that all the other students keep talking about politics. Check out Nick Viagis and Ivy Wolk’s monthly live show Struggle Bus (next show in NYC on 9/14): https://www.instagram.com/strugglebuslive  Follow Nick Viagis and see him live: https://www.instagram.com/nickviagas https://www.tiktok.com/@nickviagas  https://x.com/male_comedian Follow Ivy Wolk and see her live: https://www.instagram.com/wolkmindvirus2/ https://linktr.ee/ivywolk Visit https://mintmobile.com/stavvy to get a 3-month premium wireless plan for just $15/month. Start your new morning ritual & get up to 43% off your @MUDWTR with code STAVVY at https://mudwtr.com/STAVVY #mudwtrpod  Get 60% off your first box at https://tempomeals.com/stavvy Get a refreshing Twisted Tea today. Keep It Twisted!! Visit https://www.twistedtea.com/locations to find Twisted Tea near you. 🎟️ See Stavvy live on the Dreamboat Tour 🛥️💕!!! https://stavvy.biz/ for tickets 🎥 Rent or buy LET'S START A CULT at https://stavvy.biz/movie ‼️ Bonus episodes every week! Unlock exclusive, Patreon-only episodes at https://www.patreon.com/stavvysworld ☎️ Wanna be part of the show? Call 904-800-STAV and leave a voicemail to get advice!

Ohpah. Welcome everybody to Stavvy's World. 9-04-800 stop. Call in. We'll solve all your problems. On the couch with us today, we got Nick Viagas. That's right. Very nice. And Ivy Woke, hit that L hard. Hit that L. hard. She's not Ivy Woke, folks. She's very transgressive. She has very, very, very unwoke ideas. You should have seen the stuff she was saying before we started recording. A lot of A lot of different ones I hadn't even, I had forgotten about. Thanks for coming, guys. Thanks for having us, Doc. Yeah, what do we got?

We got, you're chewing on some alpha brain. You got to get primed, ready to go. Yeah, I need to be sharp and have really good recall. Yeah, yeah. I do love that shit. I should work with more, I should get some more chemicals to get my brain firing up. Yeah, I have like a whole stack. Really?

What's your stack? I do wellbutrin, obviously. Okay, nice. Then Phanasteride. That's hair shit. That's hair shit. Then I take testosterone support. Oh.

Because the finasteride lowers your whole testosterone, not just in your scalp. Interesting. Then obviously, you know, the erection stuff. Your dick, fucks your dick up? Fucks your dick up. Can you believe out of the two of us I was the one that had the pill addiction? Yeah, that's true. He does have one, but it wasn't as fun.

I have a stack. Yeah, yeah. You didn't have a pill addiction. He has a stack. But that's a good point, though. If we're talking about addiction, you're addicted to having hair and a hard dick. Ivy was addicted to just feeling all.

What kind of pills are we talking? Benzos, baby. Nice, classics. Falling asleep in my damn soup. Love that fucking feeling. There was so many times where Nick would like have to come over to my apartment because I would have been in like a 48-hour blockout and we had a show to do and he had to like stir me awake.

And you thought that was, whatever was going to happen after that would be worth taking to the show. You got a five-hour. Oh, you buy love. I buy low. Yeah. Yeah. And the returns may be high.

There was one time right before show. I was on the phone with Ivy's mom. And she was like, make her flush the pills. I was like, lady, we do a fucking monthly. I'm not, this is not what I signed up for. He's my home health age. Littlefield is waiting. Yeah, he's my home health aide.

That's beautiful. Yeah, Ivy's like my dog and like, actually my dog and like my manager and also like Shirley Temple I'm kind of like the John Bonnet of our that's beautiful yeah and I'm a guy who helps John Bonnet

you're the lead detective on the case and I'm John Bonnet's ghost for it's like please figure it out please figure it out I'm like the handy man who fucked and killed me he's still on the loose how do you guys know each other you just meant doing comedy

yeah just through stand up Okay. Did we meet it? St. Farts? No, I think we became friends at St. Mark's Comedy Club. Nice. All St. Farts. Now that's pretty.

See what I was talking about? Transgressive? Take that. Take that. The church. St. Mark? More like St. Motherfucking Fart.

I think you're looking for Ivy Woke. We're saying Farts now. No, I think, yeah, we met an all night's gate, I think. A bar. Yeah. It was a bar. A gay bar in my old neighborhood. that I remember we went there one night

with like a whole group of dudes and I got mad drunk and every guy there started playing female comedian would or would not with their phones so they were just showing like kind of my female contemporaries on their phones and being like how would fuck her but backwards

and it's like you haven't had sex in years and these are other comics doing it was like me and Assad yeah it was like Assad and like Ethan and Geo and it see but first I was like oh that's disgusting But then thinking of those guys

doing it, I'm like, that's pretty cute. It's really in tearing. It was to be like, I would suck the shit out of her ass. They still shouldn't do it, but I'm like, boys. Yeah, that's what I thought. I kind of was like on like, I think I had like two blood orange marks and I was like kind of in like a bit of a fugue state and I woke up to just like a girl I know.

I'm not going to say her name. And she was on a phone screen and all the guys were kind of doing dialectics about whether or not they would fuck her. Interesting. And that's when I realized I, female comedian, a little too close to the fucking song. Yeah, that's true. I moved to New York.

You got to let the, you got to let, because look, that's gonna happen. Yeah. Right? There's no way that's not gonna happen. I moved to New York under the guys that I was like this like hot, young gash, like fresh pussy, fresh meat on the scene.

Like showing up to the open mic, everybody would want to like a lick of the clit. And then all of a sudden I'm being let in on like the fucking locker room talk like boys talk shit. And I'm like, damn like when the other girls walk by they go how do you do milady and then meanwhile me they're like ivy like if you had a cock would you fuck her ass or her cunt first and i'm like i'm like yeah ivy's a dog yeah yeah yeah that's true yeah i see they objectified you in that they see you as

just like a chair they butched me real fast yeah yeah i got butched real fucking fast they were like hey can you lift an air conditioner unit and i was like i've actually the youngest woman that's You've got the shorts for it. I know. You've got the shorts for mover. I've got, I really, these shorts, my situation ship really did not like these shorts. And we got in like a spad about it because I think these shorts are really fucking chic. And he was like, he was like, I was riding my bike the other day.

And I was thinking, you could have like a 90s movie Hot Girl transformation. Oh, interesting. And I was like, but don't you think I'm hot now? I was like, don't you think I'm hot now? And he went, yeah. A meager just kind of squeak out of the throat. Yeah, for sure. But I would like to announce,

do you have a soundboard? Eldis, do you have a soundboard? He's got limited sounds. He'll do this best. You have like applause? We do. I would like to announce that last night I got come in for the first time ever in my whole life.

Not by me. Not by me. Wow, and how it walk us through that? What was that about? I thought that it would feel like a bidet. I thought that it would feel like a bidet where it's kind of like an eruptive splash. But really,

It actually didn't feel like much of anything. It was over before it even began. Do you think that's because it was a small nut or? No, his loads are actually like quite robust. Like technically. Isn't the inside of vagina like the brain? For his loads, Elders? Okay, good, good.

Just checking. There's no feeling on the inside. Interesting. Well, at least not for a girl like me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm with you, Nick. Beyond these bars, you don't really feel much. Yeah.

Okay, so that's congrats. That's a big moment. Thank you. Yeah. I just got an IUD. Oh, I see. So I'm feeling, I'm acting brand new. Sure.

So you did more, your destructive actouts were pills. Now you're starting with getting nutted in. That's kind of neat. Yeah, but I'm doing it in a healthy way. It's under the supervision of many doctors. Yeah. You got a whole team. He's the same age as you, right, this guy?

No. Oh, yeah. And how old, you are 18. Let's start there before we have to edit all this out. I'm 20 Okay, great, great, great And, oh, so we're talking about some guy Who's what, 48 or what?

To about 10 years less than that Okay, okay I believe he's 39 Nice, dude Listen, listen, age gap autumn Every day for a girl like me Whose precocity is wearing off by the minute Oh, you think you have to cash in

I have to cash in because pretty soon I'm going to be like a crone Yeah, that's tough because The 38-year-old He's he the guy who told you you could have the transformation. Yeah. Oh, that's tough. So he's referencing the movies of his childhood.

Right, right, right, right, right. He didn't stream that on Netflix. He saw that in theaters, right? He could be like Judy Garland in the Wizard of Oz. With a little blush. Yeah, you shave those legs and everything's in color. You're in a magical land with a wizard. And no bush.

And the hair on your asshole please goes away. And wear this wig, too. So he's looking at this as like a look. I can't get, look, this is not a, he sees this a car that he's going to do a little work on and then it becomes a hot rod. You know what I mean? You're like the bones of a Camaro.

It's more like he found an engine. He's kind of like looking to make it into a car. He found a catalytic converter on the streets of Atlanta and he's trying to sell it. That's kind of what I. He's just sell it at a shop shop. Yeah, he's like, all right, let's get her to trafficking shape. Let's get her into lure her into the back of a fan.

We're not there yet, but we'll get there. No, I'm not chained to a radiator worthy yet, unfortunately. I've been waiting every single day since I was a little girl. All I've wanted is to be just chained to a radiator and whips senselessly, but I wear shorts like this, and so I'm by my lonesome. I am getting that from you just in the 15 minutes we've known each other. Speaking from the, like, the fantasy of being the like, meat on the

on the circuit it's a very funny thing to be like wanting and looking for and if you want it it doesn't happen I think that's how that works you have to actually

because we've all seen it hashtag rat bait I mean like you have to be like actually trying to be like I actually want to have a career and then like the worst men of all time

and be like hey want to write you know the worst fucking guys of all time I'm nice to no no no I'm not talking about her when you like the open when a hot girl comes to open mics and she just like gets it's it is like the vault vultures descending i've witnessed it happen other women it's absolutely terrifying and yet i lick my chops for it every night when i hit the pillow i dream of it i dream of just being spit roasted and thrown around like a beach ball by my contemporaries it's all i want and i'll never have it sorry man yeah it doesn't look like it's in the cards for you

Chew Butch. Where is this? So it sounds like you had a chill childhood. Oh, no. It sounds like everything, everything went well. She wasn't. No, I wasn't.

That's why I've craved it so badly because it's like one. Wanted it too bad? I wanted it too bad. It's the female experience that I was let out of because I just look like a soccer ball. From the, okay, I see. So, but something, a couple horrible things happened, right?

Some tragedy. When are we talking pills? How did the pills start? Pills started. I was, well, I was kind of like honoring my four mother. by doctor shopping and like lying to doctors. I had a non-binary nurse that I was giving me the pills. I had somebody back in Los Angeles.

I had like, you know, people from the internet that I was getting them from. I had a dealer. I really like to. Little Pete. Shout out little Pete. Giving her pills. Giving her pills. I like to sort of, you know, I like to stash.

So I would have my K-pins, my Zanis, and my Adavan, which Adavan doesn't have a colloquialism because I feel like it's kind of a deep cut. Well, because Addy already, Adderall's got that market cornered, so Van vannies, maybe, that's kind of cute. It's charming. Yeah, yeah, Van Jones. Yeah, because a couple, pop a couple of Van Jones get real, really lib out. But, you know, I like to sort of have my little cocktail, like me and my orange bottles posted up in the crib, just sort of like watching Million Dollar Extreme videos off the, off the Zands. Like I was young in 2016, but actually I was really young.

2016, and so I missed all that. I see. So I recreated it all for myself. Oh, this is crazy. You're like a girl that grew up in the 90s that dressed for the 50s. Right. But you're a girl that grew up in 2020, the pretending you grew up in 2016. Yes.

Five years. That is fucking nuts. So wait, so, okay, where did you grow up? Let's get some basic biographical details of both of you. Obviously, Nick, you know, you clearly understand how this goes. This is your life. You've chosen this dynamic. You know, I will get to you.

going to be wrong, my guess is I was going to jump in even when it's your turn. I'll sit my way I'll listen. I'll sit my way I'll listen and listen. But let's start with where did you grow up? I grew up in Los Angeles, California. Oh, okay. Part of the city. Okay. It was your family in the entertainment industry at all?

My father's the censor on the Jimmy Kimmel show. Wow. I didn't you realize that thing with that level of Nepo, baby. Any word gets bleeped out ABC after 1130 a.m. Her dad's doing it Yeah That's fucking hilarious Grew up in Los Angeles That's enough to raise a family

On that job Did he? No Okay It's coming together It's coming together It's coming together DAD was replaced by

EBT and MOMS I see I see Let's drop that down Hell yeah Okay a fellow Hey we got Me and Eldis We would crack your grandmother's

Food Stams for sure Oh yeah we had the food stamps Rockin I respect your family family for not. My parents would like to pretend we weren't poor, so they wouldn't let us get free lunch or EBT. But then Eldis, I was like, Eldis uses the EBT for fucking ice cream sandwiches and chicken strips. I was fucking so upset. My mother was similar where she wasn't, like, never got on like any of the assistants until I was like out of the house. And instead, like, we kept up the

illusion that we like looked nice and had nice things by her racking up just tens of thousands of dollars for credit card debt. Like department store credit cards. And so I always had new. clothing but to what end yeah yeah yeah the question is to what end interesting interesting so love her though love you clean yeah single mom in l.a and you're like are you are you are you like you're in the city so are you and your dad is the sensor for jimmy kimmo are you around other high-powered uh entertainment children like that yeah i grew up around a lot of children who your dad mop the floor your friend's dad was like the guy who mop the floor is it letterman or that kind of thing i was friends with people whose parents had actual, like, power and money.

And so I was, like, at house parties in high school, like, smoking weed with, like, you know, in-ground trampolines and, like, staff and stuff, just thinking, damn, like, if only my dad had, I don't know, got up on his good foot or participated in the dot-com boom a little more. Like, we could maybe have something for ourselves, but, no, he sleeps in on a mattress on the floor in a studio apartment. Yeah. Every time I hear a story about Ivy's childhood, it's always like, yeah, I was that, like, Harvey Weinstein's son's bar mitzvah. Mac Dre was there.

Yeah, I mean, children should not have that upbringing whatsoever. It's crazy. No, it's really haunted me. I feel like I have ghosts in my blood. Like, this is what happens when you don't get molested. That's crazy. Growing up there and not getting molested, this is the best case scenario. That's nuts.

Yeah. What about you? Where'd you grow up? Westchester. Westchester. Okay. Westchester, New York? Yeah.

Okay, nice. So just like a nice suburban New York boy. Uh, yeah, it was like a rich town And yeah, my dad was a writer My mom was an ice skating teacher Ice skating teacher, okay And she was an alcoholic And she was an alcoholic. Nice

I dated an alcoholic ice skating teacher Who? Catherine? Yeah, yeah, yeah She moved to Baltimore for a while To get her life together She works at Trader Joe's now? Oh, no, that sounds cool though

No, no, this girl, she's doing good She's got a family, you know, she, But she was drunk as hell Did she fall a lot on the ice? No, I think she kept That happened with my mom That's awesome She always had like a broken leg

Okay, girls Watch and learn Triple you don't think I could do a fucking triple action Pulling on the eyes That's awesome Yeah, it was always like really Beginner students And she was like, I teach them how to fall

Oh, that's smart I bet Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah That's a good Alcoholics should do that more It'll be like, I'll be like Oh, I teach them how to eat Four burgers at 2 a.m.

And not get hard. If you just get the other lessons that you get, your natural alcoholic lessons. Interesting. So was this like, was your mom like a hot skater for like a successful writer? Was she like sort of a trophy wife that just kept drinking? Neither one was that successful.

No, no, no. Okay, nice. Yeah. You're an only child? You got more? Yeah, I have a brother. An older brother. He like owns a home and he's like normal.

Gotcha. He has a child in a way. He has a child. That's cute. How's it feel going uncle mode? Yeah, it feels cool. I actually just saw him before this. He named his son, Cosmo. Yes, that's so you know he's, like, doing well.

I love that. Yeah, yeah. His child is, like, a really stupid name. Cosmo is awesome. He lives in Brooklyn. He was born with a New Yorker subscription. Yeah, yeah. Cosmo's great. And listen, it means, you know, the world in Greek. I think that's why they named him that.

Hell yeah, do you? You don't have Greek ancestry, do you? Just Italian. Oh, interesting. Italian and Spanish. Ah, I could have seen it. it's all kind of a it's all kind of a tan morass yeah around there yeah depending on how global latino they call yeah okay yeah you guess depending on like what level of like

north african and like yeah yeah yeah you know uh they they because like some Spanish people just look black like some Greek people straight up look like dominicans yeah they're like I'm Greek and they have like they straight up look like you know they have like curly they have like afros right we measure each other skulls next we do have the calipers are out Eldis brok that we tried using Eldis's skull was too thick. Albanian skull. We tried to get into his brain, but the skull cracked the caliber.

The brains are too big. No, they're not too big. It's too thick a skull. The head looks big, and you'd think there'd be brain, 85% skull. Yeah, my grandpa was from Spain, and there's nothing he would hate more than the idea of people from Spain being black. Yeah, exactly, exactly. He moved here and got racist real quick. Oh, they love.

Yeah, they love getting here and getting racist as hell. He hated Latino people, the whole thing. Wow. Even, so there was no, oh, we both speak Spanish. No, not enough. He was like, if I was around, I'd be conquistador in their asses, which I do respect. Conquistadors, look, as far as oppressors go, they had the best armor. For sure.

They had those cool gold fucking helmets. For sure. Pretty sick stuff. And I think they were playing some serious mind games because they, like, convinced people they were gods and shit like that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they convinced them that they were like the, white bird man or whatever it's called.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's fucking awesome. Yeah, dude, so what were we talking? A nice little suburban upbringing? Yeah, yeah, we had a pool, it was a shitty pool. Still? Mom was an alcoholic. Yeah. Didn't work that much, but was okay. Okay. Yeah. Which pop's writing? What kind of stuff? He wrote theater

history. Wow. He's one of the founders of Playbill.com. Oh, okay. That's pretty cool. Yeah, he's like, yeah, he's like, for nodding. For, for. To Nick and I, that a lot. But yeah, he's like a... If you didn't know him, you'd think he was a gay guy,

but he's like a liberal, Long Island kind of scumbaggy guy that loved theater. Interesting. Well, we say when you didn't know him, like, does he have gay mannerisms? Yeah. Okay, cool. Yeah. That's a good way to play. I like that, though. But he's also really horny. You know, like the architect of a European guy.

Of course. He's like sort of gay. Sort of gay. He did the arts. Yeah. His wife's too drunk to realize he's getting head on the scene. That kind of thing. Precisely. Oh, I like this. We have a lot in common. My dad wasn't gay.

He definitely seemed straight, but yeah, so definitely the cheating and the... My dad's just a gooner. He likes to beat off. My dad is a gooner. Really? Yeah. Have you ever caught your dad's beating off? No, but we found...

When we were moving out of my childhood home, we found these boxes and boxes of, like, pop shot, like VHS porn. Oh, respect. Perfect, awesome. Come shot compilations. Come shot compilations. Shout out my dad, by the way.

He's a public figure. When my mom and I were moving out of my childhood apartment, my dad had a closet in their bedroom that in the 12 years that they had been separated, he hadn't come back to clean out. And my mom finally opens it when we're moving out. Florida ceiling, physical media pornography, and a handgun. Oh, hell yeah. That's awesome.

Yeah, from my dad, it was like the My Fair Lady soundtrack. Boxes of VHS prior. And then like the numbers of widowed women in the neighborhood. Okay. So you, but you've never, you didn't catch, you just found his gooning stash. Yeah, but I never called my dad. He wasn't in the home that much, you know? He wasn't around enough. I wasn't really, I wasn't really catching him slipping because there was no catch to be had.

I see. How old were you when he went to, moved to a studio apartment? to focus on bleeping out. Wasn't he friends with like Cato Cailin? No, I've described my dad as a Cato Cailin type. Interesting. So my dad's friends when I was a child were like Andy Dick and like guys like that. So that was sort of his circle that I had to sort of grow up under the tutelage of, which... It's really funny to not be a comedian but socially be around them.

That's a pathetic guy. He's never been more interested in me. The fuck. It's okay. All this is a word. You're a word right now. You guys are right, thanks. You have a lot of friends besides stuff.

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and minmobile.com slash stavi that's minmobile.com slash stavi up front payment of $45 required equivalent to $15 a month limited time new customer offer for first three months only speeds may slow above 35 gigabytes on unlimited plan taxes and fees extra see min mobile for details My dad has never been more interested in, like, my personhood than now that I'm, like, finding success in standout. Yeah, I mean, this is the most straightforward psychological shit of all time, which is like, let's get dad to pay attention to me. The only thing you ever paid attention to is comedy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was pussy to jack off to in comedy, so why not combine the two and do pussy jokes? Yeah, exactly. Some nice Freudian stuff we got here. Yeah, it's real delicious. Yeah. Do you, how about, okay, let's get Freudian. with you any alcoholic women

you've tried to fix in your life? He's the alcoholic woman. Oh, you're the alcoholic. Yeah, I became an alcoholic. Okay, nice. I've been sober for a few years. Okay. Yeah, and I was really into Adderall.

I know that that doesn't sound that bad. No, no, I get it. But he has tattoos all over his foot. Yeah. In a way that gives like Adderall. Oh, no. Flash that to the camera. Point the toe.

I mean, that's crazy. Point the toe, honey. Flash that to the camera. Oh, yeah. There you go. The bottoms of your feet are like stark. Those are freakishly long, too. I used to walk around with no shoes a lot.

Oh, okay. But yeah, I would take like 160 milligrams of adderol. That's too much, pretty normally. I used to have, I stutter, I have a speech impediment. What? Holy shit. I used to have, I used to have like a normal one. I used to have like a porky pig one.

Oh, hell, yeah. But now I have like this thing that's really specifically annoying to have on a podcast. I'll have you know. No, you're fine. I'm fucking with you're totally fun. Porky the pig would be funny though Da-de-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-a. That's what I was like when I was a kid.

I used to, oh, that's fun. We hit my mom-mah-moh-mah-moh-mah-moh-studder-revers. He just don't say anything the whole rest of the fucking episode. Okay, yeah I mean, Adderall definitely It is straight up meth And I did, I like it as well I just am, I'm so

I am so like It affects me so much That I just can't sleep even if I've had like 10 milligrams But the feeling The first The chill The first hour that Adderall is

Such a downer's girl I really can't relate to this at all See my problem is I like both And there's a real classic But that makes you middle of the road Which is normal and you're totally normal and fine. Doing alcohol and adderall.

Felt so good. Oh my God, he's hard. No, I know exactly what you mean. For me, it was adderol and weed. Yeah. It would take away all the bad of each one. They kind of mellow it out. So when you hit it just right, you felt awesome.

Have you ever tried three out of van, two benadryl, a hydroxazine, and a glass of white wine? I've never tried that. And then an alternative comedy show? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then a show with some rambling, not a lot of punchlines, you know. You know, I've done that. You know, I've done that on the world stages, stop. And then, like, I'm in the background, and I'm like,

Yeah. Please, the light went up, went on 10 minutes ago. You've used your phone. You've used a flashlight you found. Yeah, at this point there's a cane, offering me into the curtains. Yeah. You text for your aunt, fake a medical emergency. Pretend to be having a seizure.

And I was like, is this bitch having? Oh, I guess, geez, you're doing my set. The night that, the night where we flushed the Xanax down the toilet, Ivy read an entire Vulture article about her on stage. Vulture published a hit piece on me called Why Do People Hate This Minor Character, Actress from Anora. Yeah. And I read the entire thing on stage, like, 10 hours in withdrawal from Benzos.

And then Jordan Jensen said, I seemed like I was playing up my autism. Oh, okay. I remember this. Jordan told me about this. That was you, okay. She'll never forgive me. I met her that one night. It was a horrible impression.

I was like 80 pounds. My skin was peeling off my body in sheets. I was balding. Like, I was so fucking, the withdrawals were so fucking nasty. I was like literally 10 hours in withdrawal. And I tried to be so regular around Jordan because I'm such a big fan of hers. She really failed. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, you definitely blew it in a major way, but that's all right. You'll be fine. the problem is like you're like no one like what a 20 year old thinks no one should get no one should find out about that you know what I mean like like you're you should be like you got successful in a way that I actually am like I don't envy I think it's a problem when people get people paying attention early for real I'm I'm serious keep it down no like I like I like I was just in basements where no one gave a fuck until I was like 27 I get 20, I was dumb as hell. So it's like, you're going to, you're going through a lot of bullshit right now.

And the fact that you're like, stop doing pills through this. And yeah, or you're going to do some dumb shit, like read an article and embarrass yourself in front of somebody you look up to? Sure. But you will go, like in a couple years. Hey, this was eight months ago. I'm really different now. A lot can change in eight months, Stavros.

It actually can. That's a huge percentage of your life. Eight months is like. It's a lot. I haven't had that many eight months. Really? You actually truly have. It's fucked up

But you'll be It's just like You're just gonna make A lot of dumbass mistakes For the next couple years But you're gonna be better off for it At 25 You'll be kind of

You'll level out whatever You know You'll get a regular haircut And everything will be good You know what I mean Everything's gonna be all right If only I could like Take my bangs

And put it on the top of your hair We would make one good piece of hair We would make one good hairstyle between us We would make one Beautiful big woman Yeah Oh my God

I would love the best secretary in an elementary school you've ever seen in your life. Get bangs. I need the top. I need this part of your fucking hair for sure. But then what do I get? A chance in a normal life. You get the beautiful curls of the back. I don't know if I want them.

She's on her way there. To what? Losing your hair. No. I was. Back when I was anorexic, yes, was I balding in the temples. Absolutely. Has it largely grown back?

I would say so. Nice. Good for you. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, we're big fans of not balding due to malnutrition around here. I'm a big fan of it as well. I've grown into loving it.

Love it. Yeah. I was ready to be bald and 60 pounds and just like aimlessly padding down the street. I was about to love that life. You're doing the opposite. Exactly. You're trying to eat more to regrow your hair. I'm getting every fucking vitamin you tell me.

I'm getting a thousand percent of all of it. When did you start losing your hair? Young, honestly. Honestly, when I was like 20. Oh, my God. And I went buzz cut. I went buzz cut, which I think at the time was a good move

because no one had like the, no one would go buzz. And you couldn't tell I was balding at a buzz at that time. And now I switch, because now at 35. Writing this down. Yeah,

once you're ready to stop, you know, to stop having a soft dick for an asteroid reasons, just for aging. But doesn't his hair look good? It does look good. It does look good. It doesn't look really.

good. Yeah, for real. The hair line's not, I'm not kidding. That means so much to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, like, don't get me wrong. It's like, it's like, it's like barely good hair, but it is good. Thank you. You know what I mean? Thank you. No, but you know what I mean? It's like, it's good. I'm not like that. I am about to shave my head. Oh, really? Why? No, for real, the hair's good. I like it. I don't know. I know. I think it's a look. If you want to do it as a look, if your head is triangular. No, no, dude, you're not, you don't have to, you don't have to, you don't have to fucking shave your shirt. You. shit. I look like an ice cream con when I shave my head. Yeah, you do seem like you have a very It's just like it's sort of slopes down. Yeah. No, no, no, don't I don't think you should do that for real. Thank you. You have good hair. It's also hot as shit in here. You fucking get a cone. You get comb that shit in night. She'll be fine. I am so

sweaty at this place. Yeah, no, we're fucked. We're fucked so bad. Is it just for sound purposes that there can be no AC? Yeah, the ALEDIS is too bad at his job to learn how to get AC out of production. Come on. I'm not installing HVAC in here. I'll be in black mold if I open these buildings walls up but yeah I started fucking going bald early and then it was

like but it felt it felt good to get ahead of it and then it's like nah I just feel like in your mid 30s when you get a buzz cut everybody knows what the deal is yeah and I don't want to do hats yeah no please don't be a hat guy I know so many fucking hat guys I hate that I've actually I stayed away from hats because I was like I will not I will face this head on I will not be a coward but now that I think I've proven I have no problem being very publicly bald. Like the years I was on TV the most in my life, the years I was the most photographed, I was the fattest

and the baldest. It's like the exact opposite. What was that like six months ago? That was literally a year and a half ago, yes. I was like 350 and just like so I felt like I was like Jesus Christ, like the fact that I can look at a picture now and be like Jesus, bad sign.

You know what I mean? Like and but now I feel like I've been publicly bold enough. I don't feel like it's a out to wear a hat. I've gone back to me like, everyone, I'm not hiding. You're not trying to hide. No, I'm not going to take my hat off and someone's like, what the hell? I mean, when you already have dumb, long hair like this, it's like, it's not, it wouldn't even be good if I took the hat off. I am confused as to how it grows in the back, but not up top or front. You and me both, sister. You and me both. I would love a nice

luscious curls. Have you tried, like, maybe scooping from the back and pushing over? Oh, yeah. I've thought about a coat, going comb over for a while. That would be pretty funny. That would look so crazy. I think there will be an air. I think there will be an era of my life where I go 70s comb over. I have a lot of my day. That's the era of your life when you start fucking girls that are 13. Well, I don't know about 13, but what if

I'm kind of like a your boyfriend situation? Give me three more years. You know, and I'll be kind of doing that. It'd be so funny for you to pretend you got a hair transplant and just have a really ugly combing. You should start wearing wigs. Why don't you wear wigs? Wigs. I'm definitely going to go wigs at some point.

You should get a weaves. So right now. There's nothing to sew it too, actually. You could probably figure it out. We got a really great. We got really great technicians. You have to glue up your lace front glue down. Yeah.

I could do that one where they shave this and they give you like... A toupee on top. A really expensive toupee. Basically, I'll walk you guys through it because I've thought about this a lot. I got to get the pony a little longer and I got to have a really nice bald pony for about one season. You know, like it's pretty close. I thought I had it last summer and I had to cut my hair.

Why'd you have to cut it? I played a role where it made no sense to bad. have dumb long hair like this. And I fought too. I was like, come on. It's okay. They've made me shave my armpits on a bunch of things. Yeah.

Yeah, you absolutely get it. We both had to betray who we really were for art. But I'm going to go bald pony, classic bald pony, kind of right in the middle of my back. And then I might dye blonde. Yes. Yeah. And then I will cut it short as hell, have like a little Tony Soprano situation. and then I will go wigs for a while.

That is so smart. Thank you, man. You've got to do that. Thank you, Nick. I think you should be able to dye your hair in your 30s, and it's not a cry for help or anything like that. No. It's been planned for a while. Right.

I just have to get the big long pony for a while, you know. I also have a big dream to play an 80s action guy with a bald pony, so that's why I kind of want to, like, have a proof of concept. Like a Stephen Seagall type thing? Exactly. exactly. Segal is a big inspiration of mine in many ways, and so I want to have that going. I've always said that

you were a little Asian. Every time I see him, I'm like, I wish you were more bald. I know what you mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wish you just let it go a little more. I wish he was fatter and had even less martial arts knowledge. He looks too good. He looks too good. He does. He does. Yeah, thank you. Thank you.

Eldis has been blessed with a lot genetically, and, you know, it's because he could never stand. The burdens I live with, eldest would crumble under. The skull don't sound so You would be so fucked if you were five, seven, and bald. Your life would be horrible. Nah. That'd be all right.

My life is horrible, so that's all you're helping that much. I know, it'd be worse. I'd be like, look, Elvis, I can't have a guy that looks exactly like me hanging around, man. It's bad for the vibes of the company. Oh, it would be cute. It would be like twiddled d and twiddled. No, we actually, yeah, that actually would be fun. I mean, you're not far off.

well i'm i'm felt you know right completely different body you're not fat at all that's so true i have a question have you guys like ever explored each other's bodies no we have not you've never done no gay shit on each other we've shown our jokes a lot but what's her we've shown our dicks to each other yeah that's cool yeah jacked off in the same room no not same room no i don't that that doesn't sound cool to me yeah sorry it's never too late to I think it's over for us We've like heard each other fuck Yeah we were roommates in this

We were roommates in this house a lot Have you ever heard each other jack off? No Is it always that loud? Yeah I don't really I don't think it's like that Yeah yeah we've definitely There were years where I knew Elders's exact fuck BPM

Like we lived in this apartment With a bunch of other people So whenever anybody fucked you could really tell Is he a slow stroker? How he do it? Oh no eldest is fucking He has no endurance Yeah He's anxious

Off rhythm and fast I just felt my IUD shit I just punctured my liver Well it punctured the very opening of your vagina I don't know about your liver I think that's as far as eldest

could possibly get there Who's Bigger do you know We have the same size dick Which is a real problem for him Because he's 6, 5 Yeah That's where the...

I like you, Elvis. It's all in realization. It was like a brother to me. You're like a brother to me. Thanks, guys. Thanks for backing me up here. I did hear Stav get sucked off once when we were on tour.

We were in an Airbnb. And the rooms didn't have, my room didn't have like a, it was like a fake room. So the ceiling. Oh, like a loft type thing? Yeah. I had to retreat. to like my room for the evening with like two bottles of water

just to not be around just lay back and smile there was some Airbnb's where it's like all right I'll just get your snacks get you know use the bathroom because I'm going to need let me just grab a yogurt a protein bar and a banana for the night

and a bucket to shit in a Gatorade a towel that is true that is true so you got a pretty yeah I guess that's the most intimate You, I guess, technically, breathed the air that I was getting sucked off in. I have a question, stuff.

Please. How do you meet women after shows? I usually just through the internet, to like a DM situation or something like that. So, like, they DM you, you DM you DM them? They'll DM me, yeah. Okay. And then you're like, meet me at the hotel room, you meet at a bar. I mean, yeah, I used to, I used to, like, go out for, or like, when I was, like,

parting more after shows, I would just, like, go hang out and whatever, you know, just try and have a good time. but like it's just just fucking annoying now to like try and I'm also trying to be so I was trying to be sober on the road and so just going out to bar and then you would just inevitably be out too late so it's kind of become a or like somebody will DM you ahead of time and you'll strike up an actual conversation but I also I will fuck like at first it's like so cool that anybody wants to fuck you you're like yes just for but now I'm just like unless somebody's really I don't give a fuck I really unfortunately have gotten, you know, I am getting older where I'm like, I wish I had the privilege of not being

totally mystified by, um, the prospect of sex. It to me actually is like, if somebody wants to fuck me, I'm like, okay, so basically you're going to rip me and gut me and leave me in the alley. Like, to me, it's truly frightening. The one time, yeah, what the fuck is going on here? Me and Ivy, we both like leave our bodies during sex, but she doesn't have any and I have way too much. Okay, okay. Yeah, basically. That's like we're kind of each other's yin and But now I have a girlfriend, so I don't do that. And I'm in a situation ship with an older man, and he did come inside of me. So we're all growing and learning.

So I was married. Yeah, yeah, that's true. The one time I had sex with somebody after a show who, like, approached me after a show. It was like this really hot guy who was like an ex-male model who used to be gay but swears he isn't anymore after his boyfriend died of a fentanyl overdose. The most evil man. That was God telling him, don't be gay. Thunderbolt on his boyfriend. And then he turned out to be like.

like a stalker and multiple women have restraining orders out against him because he followed them across multiple states. So that's kind of who wants a bite of the cookie after I get off stage. It's not really like a comedy club waitress who's like trying to make a name for herself in a small town. Sure, sure, sure.

I'm not really at like the waitress, by the way. I'm not really at like the Boner Hut chuckle fuck factory like in Toledo kind of getting a girl pregnant. I would love to see you do some time at a Toledo comedy club. I would love to watch. watch that. That is tough. Those places are brutal. I don't think it would go. I mean, even Atlanta didn't take kindly to me.

Where did you go? Where were you in Atlanta? I went up at the Laughing School lounge and I came out on stage. It was the day the Playboy Cardi album came out and I went, y'all this new Playboy Cardi got me feeling like a and then it was silent in the room and I said, do you guys know who Playboy Cardi is? That was the problem.

But it's his hometown. I thought it would be a hometown hero thing. Hey, it got me an eldest. That was a good opening line. Ivy did the comedy attic. And after the weekend she was like, people in Indiana, they don't really laugh. She was like, they're not, people in Indiana, they're

not laughers. A lot of America is kind of not big laughers. A lot of Manhattan and Brooklyn really laugh. For some reason, the only people that laugh, it's like Union Hall. When I've posted a story about the show. You know, this summer I've tried to get in tune with my body.

You know, I've been experimenting. I've been dabbling. One of the greatest experiments that I've conducted has been with mudwater. That's right. I've cut out other sources of caffeine. Mudwater is an incredible little blend of cacao, chai, turmeric, and adaptogenic mushrooms to help you feel focused without the crash. and I drink it iced I'm an iced coffee boy I'm an iced tea boy I'm an iced mudwater boy

that's right you just mix it with cold water or milk I'm a water guy okay I like to start my days a little peek behind the curtain I haven't been eating early in the morning I've just been slurping sustenance for my delicious mud water and I've been ready to go every single ingredient in mud water is there for a purpose okay it ain't now look I hear mushrooms I'm like nice and though they aren't nice in the way you might think they are they're nice in the way that they give you sustained mother freaking energy okay do you understand that I'm feeling awake I'm feeling ready to go no crashes no spikes from coffee um like I said we got cacao we got chai for a hint to caffeine just a little bit just a little smooch uh and a hot chocolate like

flavor which I like I'm a little chocolate boy and then we got lines main for focus nice we got cordyceps to promote natural energy nice and both chaga and rashi to support a healthy immune system nice i have been healthier have been look this isn't scientific i'm just telling you as i've been drinking i've been feeling better about it i've cut out energy drinks uh caffeinated sodas uh coffees all that kind i would usually i usually get that for a little pep in my step I've actually, I've replaced that with mudwater ever since they came on as a sponsor and I've been loving it.

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at M-D-W-T-R. come after your perch they'll ask how you found them please show your support and let them know we send you keep your energy natural and refreshing all year long with mudwater because life's too short for anything less than clean delicious energy that is so so true interesting and then what's your you were just when you were just out sucking and fucking a bunch yeah you were just what because you were drunk you were just at bars or what are we talking no this was like kind of after i was sober right kind of still trying to fill the whole Of course.

And that's really what it is. Yeah. With people with septum piercings. Of course. Fans of mine. Oh, that's actually, oh, I see what's going on. That actually is.

I'm the Galane. You want to do like, Hey, maybe we do a one-off. Ivy, what do you say? Maybe it was a one-off. Throw a photo me in your story. Yeah. It makes you to post about this.

Just at me. Oh, interesting. That actually makes a lot of sense. You're doing a show at the Pratt Institute? Yeah. Oh, wow. Maybe I open. You're doing your hour at Parsons, the school of design?

One time a fan of Ivy's came over to my apartment and she had a self-harm wound. Oh, no, dude. Not a scar. Not the scar. Wound. That's my girl. Oh, God. That's my fucking girl.

And you know she don't play about me. And until the day she kills herself or succumbs to anorexia, she's going to be screaming my name in the streets, okay? My fans don't fucking give up on a bitch like me. That's right. And Nick was like, all right. Well, listen, I have a couple bandages. We're going to get the peroxide. I was like, let's never see each other after like maybe an hour.

It was 30 minutes from now, I am going to be like, what the hell was that about? I'm going to unfollow. I'll check the story sometimes. Once your blood drips from your thigh onto the bridge in my nose. Beautiful. What a beautiful. What youth is so beautiful. He's going to be 30 soon.

Yeah. Yeah. The tail end of the youth is so beautiful. That was, you know, that was my, that was exact. I mean, that's, it's very, it's a rest of development for sure because I was, that's the same shit for me. Like, I mean, I still sort of, now it's, I'm like, what am I doing? Yeah.

Are you still hoeing? Lightly, I guess. Just because I, just because I just haven't lived anywhere in a while. So it's like, it's kind of hard to not, when, to have anything serious, you know? And also, it's just, your old habits. die hard you know just like this is nice right yeah there's never been a comedian who's in a relationship you know what i mean never it's never it's never happened yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah um no but it's awesome it is also all that's the other part is that it's awesome yeah it is cool to see new tities

that's kind of one of my favorite parts of life yeah but i feel like one of the also love is important to one of the reasons i had to stop is i kept thinking it meant i was successful at comedy oh do you know what i mean that i was sleeping with women after that's so crazy That's different. I mean, that's insane. That's just a different problem. Yeah. No, for me, it was like, the whole for me is so clearly like, oh, five fucking enough girls. I wasn't a loser when I was a child. You know what I mean?

My penis was hard every time. Yeah. If I sleep with enough women. That's, we're not enough. I have no way. That is not something that factors into my calculus. Do you not have bonner issues? I do.

I'm saying I do so much that that doesn't matter to me. Oh, I understand. My dick's hard, maybe half the time. You're lucky, you know what I mean? I just want to say, hearing, this is, hearing you talk about not getting an erection, early in my life, it was like, it changed my life. It was like, I felt like. This means a lot.

Because I've heard from a lot of fat boys, but about, like, you talking about being fat and getting pushes has been important for me, but I've never heard about a healthy man talking about it. It was like, it felt like gender euphoria. Yeah, dude. I wore a dress for the first time. Yeah, dude, I'm your Eddie, I'm your not getting hard Eddie Izzer. You put the wig on. I'm not alone. My whole life makes sense.

Well, look, I don't think we've ever had two more qualified people to give advice on the podcast. So, you know, I think it's time. We are actually really wise, both of us. I believe it. Let's find out about it right now. Okay, I have one more thing I want to say. It's kind of gay. Absolutely.

I've called into the show before. Whoa. And you've answered my question. Get the fuck out of here! Longest phone call ever. Yeah. Yeah, it's one with a lot of long breaks in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it was about my, I said, my friend's a comedian, and he keeps talking about wanting to fuck my girlfriend.

Oh, wow. It was on the, uh, the Carmen Lynch episode. Oh, shit. Holy fuck. I didn't say that I was a comedian because I thought you would never answer the question. Yeah, you're probably right. Yeah. you're absolutely right

look how far we've come that's beautiful you answer the question you're a bitch you're a huge pussy really and we're right that's right

did it help at all well I was just like hey can you stop doing that and then I felt gay but he did stop but now it's sort of weird between us

well no he's a piece of shit though too it's also like bizarre to like yeah I mean I think you are a bitch for not being like shut the fuck up dude

the fuck are you doing but it's just so gay to like say to your friend like hey man like that's No, it's not. Here's the thing it's not, though. That's the other thing that's the other than comedians have a problem with it's like, we don't have some weird invisibility cloak or like some kind of like Mario Star for not for like being a human being.

If some, if you weren't a comedian and some guy at your office was talking about wanting to fuck your girlfriend. I feel like I'm on a call right now. I called in and you're answering my call again. But it's the truth where I'm like, it's a big problem where it's like, no man, we're just in fact we're less important than regular people bigger pieces of shit who like I give less the benefit of the doubt

like if some guy just made a little offhand comment I bet you that guy does want to fuck your girlfriend yeah you know what I mean and it's like would not be able to yeah yeah yeah exactly and that's important and it's just like shut the fuck up and if he's not able to then you remind him of that that's right if he wants to play that game then it's like all right time to fuck you up right you know what I mean if he was like hey man I want fuck your girlfriend. I was like, you're a worm. Yeah. Yeah. For real.

You're a piece of shit. You couldn't fuck her. You out of your mind. Which is good. That's good to feel that way. Because it's worse to be like he could fuck my girlfriend and live in fear. You know what I mean? Yeah. That could possibly happen. Anyway. This is the first and Lord willing, the last time a caller sits in on that episode. That was very vulnerable to me. No, that's awesome.

I respect that, man. This will probably not happen to you, but keep calling in, folks. But thanks for calling in actually That was awesome That was a good call I won a contest That's how I'm here Yeah Make a wish

That's a make a wish Dying stuttering Hey Stubb I love the podcast I found you through Caleb Heron Hell yeah I listen every Monday now

Anyways I'm calling Because I'm gay Yay I am in an open Relationship with my boyfriend Nice She totally allows me To see whoever I want

sexually. However, I live in D.C. and you probably know that a lot of gay men have the stereotype of being pretty promiscuous. We have a new medicine called prep. It's like that's not that new anymore, but it prevents HIV and, you know, we also have doxy PEP, which is just antibiotics gays take after having unprotected sex to prevent the rest of the SPDs. It's just a P. Plan B for not getting... I'm not on either of those, nor do I tend to get on those. However, I would like to have more fun outside my relationship. But I'm having a really hard time finding partners on the apps that are willing to have sex with a condom. It's gotten to the point where I've had plans to meet up with the

awesome. What the fuck? I'll just be like, nah, we're not. What am I a fucking pussy? And why won't he just take the pill? Because that's gay. Yeah, I don't know. That's a good, that's also a good question but also you can get shit other than age like you like i don't fuck because get you know like it's like how when everybody gets the flu nowadays they think it's COVID and it's like other stuff still exist it's still out there you could still you could I don't think it's a crazy idea to put a condom on when you fuck a complete stranger but anyway sorry it's gotten to the point where i've had plans to meet up with multiple guys uh and I'm versed you know uh that means both top and to meet up with multiple guys.

And they've canceled because they found out that I prefer to use condoms. How did they find out? Yeah, it's crazy to have to say you want to use a condom before you meet up with somebody. That's fucking awesome. He doesn't want to bring it up on the date and make it awkward. Yeah, like, he has herpes.

He's like, look, this is weird, but I like to wear condoms. You're like, oh. What advice do you have on this? It's really wild, and I just, I'm at the, I'm at the point where I'm just extremely frustrated. I feel like this is never a problem. When I was growing up, I'm 35, but now I'm a press and pepper. I feel like nobody's willing to wear a condom when they're in sex.

This is crazy. Yeah, he was like, what are 16? No one work on me. I'm not willing to take a method. I just wouldn't be willing to have sex without a condom anyway. Yeah, respect. I appreciate any advice you can give me. you know, maybe I should just have some patience, but in a few months,

because I've had any kind of action besides my boyfriend, which is great. Again, but my boyfriend had, right, I love gay guys, right, truly. Anyways, respect, salute, man. Appreciate your advice. Thanks. Yeah. This is like, it's like, um, speaking to like an immigrant from another culture or something. I just have no idea the rules here. I understand, I understand gay guys really well.

They kind of flock to me sort of naturally because they think I'm like always on the brink of and they want to idolize me before I pass. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I understand to this man, okay, so his problem is other gays don't want to do condom sex because, but he won't get on the medication, the preventative medication. I think the medic, I don't think the med, he's saying medication or not, he would wear condoms, right? He's just explaining to us straights why everyone's raw dogging. He's basically saying since the advent of prep, raw dogging his style.

So he's now living in a post-prep anti-condom gay sex world, but he is still a condom guy. And basically, it really boils down to how do I get people to wear condoms while fucking me? I have a suggestion. I also have a suggestion. Please. Allow me. Yeah. So gay guys are dirty dogs.

We know this, right? Of course. And they're fetishists. And they love to make anything kind of dirty and nasty in order to fuck it. Why don't you spin the condom thing into like this is so bad of us? This is so disgusting of us. We're so disgusting. I'm a nasty fat little condom pig.

Come in my condom. I have AIDS. I'll drink the con. There are gay guys called bug chasers who are guys that seek out HIV. So there's something in the gay community for everybody. Why don't you spin it so that the condom is like the dirty, nasty kind of prophylactic tool. And so that it's just another kind of sexual instrument or additive that can make the entire sexual experience. dirtier, nastier, harder, rar, gayer, sweatier, et cetera.

I think you're on to something. I think he has to make it very, he has to really focus on the condom. I think has to inventing you fetish that's drinking jizz out of the condom. That's good. Because I think as an abstract thought, the condom being a fetish doesn't quite work because at the end of the day, it still feels better to fuck someone's ass without a condom on. And you need to make... Wait a minute, but he said he's verse, right?

I'm like, you know, I know I've done a little experimentation my day. With guys? No, with women. I fucked women in the ass. Yeah, yeah. Women have, women have asses too. I totally forgot.

I've been shitting out of my cunt for years. You get's really bad for it. You gotta stop doing that. Damn, that's why I'm itchy. You got to stop shitting out of your ass pussy. So I would, I think, yeah, maybe be like I'm a jizz. I love a big jizz smoothie coming out of that Trojan or something like. like that.

That's, but I like where your head's at. That's fun, spinning it. Nick, what do you got? He said that he's versed, right? So that means that he can't even find someone who wants to get fucked with a condom. Right. That's crazy. That's weird.

Right. What if he got on like a, like an app for people with herpes? Oh, interesting. You know what I mean? Yes. And then you're like, I don't have it, but I like, I'm really into the idea of maybe getting herpes. Interesting. You got to, yeah, you have to seek out people with gonorrhea with herpes.

The only people. The only gay guys that'll... There's Reddit groups for all of these things. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely, can you not find one guy besides your boyfriend? I feel like he's not trying hard enough. I agree. I think ultimately...

This is bitch-made. Ultimately, I agree. It's also a thing where, look, you have to lead with this now. It's weird that you have to. But, like, gay guys, like, especially on, like, fuck apps, it's not... They're just, like, I like this very specific thing. Leave nothing to the... Like, this is a bad screening process.

because you these guys look I agree with you they should fuck you and get fucked by you with a condom but that's not what they're into so you have to be like I'm a condom guy like you have to before you meet up all this can take place in within grinder

put it in the bio yeah put it in the bio literally like screening process just work it out I think that's all it is it's screening and that means you're going to get less hits but the hits you do get you get to fuck them actually so that's all brother I think that's pretty much it I think you'll be fucking some guys

ass that's not your boyfriend in no time If you do that Gay guys are so easy It'll be easy for you Just put some elbow grease into it And you'll be just fine Yeah Yeah we believe in you

Gay guys would fuck monkeys And ants and rats Fuck a girl maybe Yeah oh it looks like it crazy Keep them over there I don't want ripped guys I don't want fucking sexually You know

Those DC gay guys You don't need sexy DC gay guys Isn't bad It's actually like Do the right thing I've had some good sex with homosexuals. Didn't you just say he almost got like... Oh, my God.

No, he read other people, not me. Okay. He used my name to later sexually assault other women. Interesting. By proximity to me, he kind of clout, chased other women, but I made it out alive. Because I'm the chosen one, but also extremely unlucky. Yeah, yeah. So now how many gay guys have you had sex with, would you say?

Okay, well, okay. So in college, I first. a white guy from Atlanta who was like a fake bisexual but he was like working on it I don't have any updates on that yet when you say fake bisexual you mean he was gay he was only fucking pussy and then I think he was like

looking at men on Tinder and then like trying to get himself there but ultimately he's from Atlanta he could be that religious repressed deal yeah there's a lot of gay guys in Atlanta yes oh honey yes the guy that I lost my virginity to was trans in college and then went back around the time

I met him. So that's kind of gay. Back to being a boy. Oh, that's like detrans. So that's kind of gay adjacent. So zero so far.

Okay, yeah, so far no. No, but then the guy the gay that I fucked was gay but then swore he wasn't after the fentanyl death. But then he, it was women that he was assaulting? Mm-hmm. A lot of straight,

mostly straight gay guys is what I'm hearing. But he was getting fucked in the ass by a guy who's now dead for like five years. Okay, so it sounds like two bisexuals and a detransitioners so far is what I've heard. That three, plus three equals gay that all adds up to one homosexual man all right i'll give you one all right so i've got to the bottom of that sex with one gay guy okay all right great uh summertime a time of

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Okay. Hi, Zavros, and guest. I am wondering how I should confirm if I am in fact a lesbian and not bisexual. I have hooked up with both men and women. I've only slept with men, though, all the way. The reasoning is because every time I date a man and I got out of a relationship, I'm low-key like, wow, I kind of hated that. Like, that just wasn't that good.

But then, like, sexually, like, I trained him enough to where it could be satisfying. The problem with women, and the reason I haven't slept with a lot of them is, like, I'm a tall girl. I'm femme, but, like, I'm more assertive. Even with the men I was with, like, they're trying to call me mommy, brother. Like, I don't know what's the number. She sounds like, but, um, my thing is, like, women tend to... Yeah, wear this out before Nick blows her up on this. So about a tall woman that'll just bully him sexually.

With a Latino Lil bit of her voice. Ask if she ice skates. Does she ice skate and put a party in her coffee? Okay. Okay, keep going. The thing is, like, women tend to treat me more, like, at top or, like, masculine men because of that. That's kind of why I have an issue. Sure.

So, yeah, I'm just wondering, like, I've tried different things. Should I be just hugging up with more women? Should I be going on the app more? How exactly do you know, like, if you hate men, if you liked it? You know what I mean? Maybe you're not the most of the quits for this, but I'd let to know a man's perspective on it. Just because the women I talk to are always like, well, you know, you'll know. You'll find out.

So, yeah, please let me know. Thank you. Bye. Yeah. She's asking for male voices, so I'm going to sit this one out. Thank you. Yeah, after we're done, feel free to chime in. Gotcha.

I mean, I honestly do think, yeah, you just have to fuck more women. Like, you've never actually fucked a woman. If you've dated a bunch of guys And you come out of it being like that sucked And you've hooked up Clearly there's an attraction with women And like But you haven't explored all the way

You just got to fuck a couple girls And you haven't exactly found the I guess she doesn't want to be treated like a top Or a mass the masculine one or whatever You can find that if you just look a little more I don't know exactly what you're looking for But screening process Again it's like a tall guy

A really tall Tattoos all over his foot Tatoos all over his foot Nose ring Faddy liver When he was 25 years old Oh hell yeah dude Wow

My thing with her is like Who cares If you just Listen to your body Right And the body says suck next dick And fuck next penis I'm

I'm very happy in my relationship She's 511 and blonde Exactly like my mom we love you Olivia Olivia you're the fucking coolest girl I know that's fucking awesome check her out on the tonight show on Thursday

and on Instagram at OG Carter and a JFL new faces hell yeah all right let's get these plugs out for your girlfriend so she has an only fan now I'm listening so yeah I mean

also you might just be the whole worried about the role that you're playing in the lesbian thing it sounds like she's a little repressed and doesn't really want to dive into eating pussy fully you know what I mean like it sounds a little bit like your

Atlanta fake bisexual she sounds like a like he to me that guy sounded like a repressed maybe religious from the South guy she's maybe hung up on gender roles who's masculine who's not she hasn't gone all the way she's clearly giving it a try over and over again with men

get on some non-binary shit why don't you go munch and some envy box. Sure. Gender don't exist there. I think that could definitely work. Yeah, and I think if you're like a tall woman, like lesbians just kind of walk up to you.

Absolutely. Absolutely. Everyone wants to get slutted out by a tall biot. Yeah. Yeah. It sounds cool. I think all of us agree with there. No one's against that.

So yeah, you just got to, why aren't, why haven't you fucked more girls? Go do that. I think that's really the answer. I think it's really pretty straightforward here. There are so many women like this. Yeah.

They're like, I'm bisexual. and I hate men and I've never slept with a woman and I don't want to, but then I also want to. Yeah. Yeah, and I think some of them are faking it to be cool, but I think some of them are being... Nick has fucked all of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I think there are plenty of... Like, I think there's... It does run two sides where it's like, yeah, I think some women are just sort of like a little more flexible and they'll kind of hook up with girls, but they're ultimately straight, whatever. And I think there's plenty of people who... Like, everyone's like, well, it's so easy

to be gay now, but it's like, it's still hard. for a lot of people. It's still not, there's so much like internalized homophobia, there's so much worrying about what people are going to think, all this other shit where it's like, I just think you sound repressed

and that you haven't really given it a whirl. I mean, the fact that you straight up have not fucked one woman for real is crazy. Just give it a whirl. I would say, don't date, stop dating men that you hate and try to train to fuck you adequately. Like, stop doing that.

That's hard though, Stav. A good dick is a dime motherfucking doesn't. Stav doesn't know what he's talking about. But it's not good dick. That's what I'm saying. You know what I mean? Like she's just... But it's hard to find good dick.

A good dick is hard to find. Dime a dozen does not mean that. It means that they're easy to find. Dime. It means there's one dime out of a dozen. No, it means for a dime, you can buy a dozen of them. No, it means in a stack of a dozen things, there's one dime. That's not at all what it means.

A dozen extranged objects. One of which is a dime. Yeah, yeah. Good dick is. a needle in a haystack of dimes? But, no. Finding good dick is like a needle. Finding good dick is like finding a needle in a haystack.

I said that right at first. That's the first thing I said. Yeah, edit that. So, but she's not even finding good dick. She's finding mediocre dick that she's working, she's spending three months so that these guys fuck her. She's making the meat or pussy for her pussy for three hours. Yeah. And I guess like if you've never loved before.

Sure. You know, like that could be scary. Yeah. Yeah. That is true. Just like listen to your body. Yeah, I think go fuck more girls. It's pretty, pretty straightforward.

And tell us about it. Yeah. Maybe you and a girl need to fuck a little fat guy. Maybe that'll help. Maybe you'll end up on the couch. You know what? Of everyone who's called in, let's just put it this way. The odds said a man who called in that's on the couch pretty low.

I hid it, even in the call. Uh, get us with another one, little LD. Hey, Stav. Longtime fan. So, um, got this situation going on where I, uh, I used to work with my girlfriend, and I got a new job a couple months ago. And there's this guy that we both worked with that's a bit of an idiot. And, um, he is like an ambient adjutant.

And we'll take Ambien at night and then just message all of our co-workers crazy shit after like 11 p.m. And there was one time that you message my girlfriend just saying how she looked nice in the pants she was wearing. Good Christ, dude. He's sweet. Obviously he's a lover talking about her ass. What? Really? And now she, like, has to have, like, a weird talk with the boss and him because he thinks that everyone is leaving him out of activities and being mean to him on the job.

That's crazy that he still employed there. Because everyone knows that he randomly messages people high on drugs late at night. And, um, I don't know. I just, if you have any sort of, you know, advice about what I should do, I don't work there anymore. I don't know if I should, like, message the guy or, you know, I should do anything. But I'd appreciate any advice, man. Thank you so much.

Love you, Stavi. That's how I met the guy that I'm fucking. How's that? He would like my Instagram stories on Ambien, and I slid into the DMs, and he would message me when he was on Ambien, and now it's been four months. So have you ever seen him when he's not in a fugue state? Yeah. Okay, that's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I see him during the day. You go out to dinner. He's wearing like a... We don't go out to dinner, really. He doesn't really take me out of the house. But I do see him when he's not on the ambient, but it can cause love connection. So maybe you're kind of hindering your girlfriend

kind of hobbling her because this could be her king. Yeah, I see no problem. Yeah, yeah. This guy could be nutting in your girlfriend in no time. Let me guess. Your girlfriend's 18 years younger than him? I mean, look, you're basically just, like, hey, Stav,

my girlfriend works with a loser. What do I do about that? It's like, dude. Our hands are tied. This is clearly just a shitty, like, low-level job. This is what half the people at work there are like. What if they work at Black Rock?

That's actually also kind of pot. Then this guy would have just like, then the guy's not on Ambien. He's just assaulting whoever the fuck. He's just any, like, low-level female intern he wants to. Awesome. Yeah, that's like, talk to HR. Yeah, I mean, this guy should be fine.

You're not allowed to take drugs and message your coworkers, suggestive things, and, like, it's now, and then complain that you don't get to go to fucking happy hour of chilies with them. Imagine messaging a girl, I like how your pants look. Yeah, that's so funny. You look good in those pants. You should, like, go to jail. Somebody needs to say that about these shorts I'm wearing.

I mean, those are really brutal. I don't even know. Talk to your man. I really, really like these shorts. I don't even understand what's going on, honestly. They have like a maternity waist in. The maternity band is where it's kind of getting, I'm like, what the fucks? So pockets are kind of fake out pockets.

Like they're cargo shorts, but they don't really like worse. They're like knickers. Those look like white trash. It's a white trash. Hey, that's not your word to say. Those are like a white trash kid's plaid shorts. Those are very much like the cookie monster cap. I went to college with the kid who wore those shorts in a cookie monster cap.

Actually, and a beater. That's actually his exact outfit. Wouldn't these look fire with like a newsboy hat or like a fedora? like tell me that tell me you see the vision stops I weirdly I kind of do I know what you're going for it becomes performative

you want to get trafficked so yeah yeah yeah entourage character on the body underneath bait that's what I'm trying to serve to this damn world yes yes yes everybody would act

Fador would actually go a hilariously long way yeah that's really funny and yeah you want a photo yeah yeah yeah I'll give me that I'll give you that's actually really good But with no hat it has no powers With no hat

So just get the hat I'll get the hat I promise Yeah dude I mean what do you know You don't have to message this She needs to talk to HR And then you know

He'll get fired from Stocking a Walgreens at midnight Which is what I assume This fucking company You work for is But also like what does this guy expect He takes Ambien and blacks out And then people like treat him differently

After he doesn't He's a fucking idiot What does he think is that drug-addled idiot. I mean, that's... I rewarded this behavior with pussy, so I don't know what you guys are saying. You seem really judgmental and mean.

I would fuck this guy in a lickety-split. You might. I don't actually necessarily doubt that that's true. But, you know, we got to get this guy... You know, there's just not much to do here for our caller, I guess, is my point. I don't know what else he could really, really do. You don't have to message him,

hey, stop taking Ambien and saying my girl's ass looks good. Just get people to complain, And then just like, you know, whatever. She has an annoying co-worker. I mean, unless it gets, if it escalates, sure, that's something different. But he doesn't sound like violent or scary. He just sounds like a fucking loser. And who hasn't worked with a bunch of fucking loser?

I worked at a fucking law firm where it was like people would do this kind of shit. What did you do at the law firm? I was a paralegal. Wow. Yeah. That's a good job if you're a woman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What kind of law?

I was looking for a husband. Was it like evil law or like good law? It was not good, no. It was, I found out when I got there that it was, it was like a real estate place, and then it was, it was foreclosures. So then I stopped working. And around what time was this? No, dude, I was a part of every part of the mortgage crisis where when I was in high school, I was a telemarketer for a company called American government mortgage, whose business plan was call old people, let them think the government is calling them. And so that they'll refinance with you.

never by the way I was so bad at that job I never once closed a single mortgage application I was just getting paid my you know it was actually at the time pretty good money it was above minimum wage and then I worked for this law firm that was dealing on the other end with foreclosures but I was sort of like after like a month there I got hired in July I was also going through a breakup with my like college girlfriend at the time and so like I spent the first month like crying you know my debt and I was also going through a breakup with my like uh college girlfriend at the time and so like I spent the first month like crying you know my debt. Just like not doing any work And then when I realized what was happening I was like wait I'm not helping these fucking people So I didn't do anything And I was like I guess they'll fire me in like a month or two And I got to keep my job for like eight months after that

Just hanging out Being like the fucking you know Company clown Kind of like my whole stand-up career basically Yeah exactly just fucking be around Be a good vibes guy Kind of take two hour lunches It's pretty nice

Did it pay well It paid okay I mean, at the time, it was like, it was like above minimum wage. It was like, you know, we're talking at this point, 11, 12 years ago, and it was like $17, $18 an hour, which wasn't bad compared to the other fucking, and then I quit that. Well, I got fired eventually, and then I worked at a paint store. That was pretty fun.

That paid $10 an hour, but they let me fill out paperwork where it said, how much is the hourly rate, like my manager should have put the wage, and I just put 11, hoping no one would see. And no one did. And Sherman Williams paid me $11. $10 an hour. I don't, you know, shout out to them for that one. Ooh, sometimes I'm looking to let my hair down. Shake these curls.

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What else we got, Elders? I think we have time for one. One more, maybe two if they're short. Hey, Stobb, I have a little bit of an annoying situation. I recently joined an art class, like a local art class that is at my community center. and all I'm trying to do is learn some fucking watercolors. And I understood when I signed up for this class that I would probably be with just like a bunch of old white women,

which is like whatever. But I swear to fucking God, every class, they talk about local gun violence or, you know, the bad areas of town. And it's just like these women are obviously, so fucking racist and it's just like I said I'm just trying to pay and I don't

know whether I am supposed to sit there and just like be silent and let my silence be the uncomfortable thing in this room or you're like today in the class I took today I was like oh you guys are talking about like all of these

crimes that are happening let me tell you about a situation where like somebody was soundfully convicted I know that sounds like lame but like I like if you get to talk about dumb ass you know dumb ass things like why can't

I just like kind of throw the opposite in your face am I wrong I'm sorry I appreciate it thanks I think kill them all with a gun yeah yeah that is true show them what real gun violence is

and why can she just not like talk to them I mean dude come on you've that you've been around people like this. Yeah, I mean, it sounds like she's outnumbered for one. Like, it sounds like, they just say, I mean, yeah, you can, and, you know, you're obviously in a situation when you've been around, like, people just bring up crazy shit. And, like, I've had these conversations, I mean, this happens to me a lot because people, like,

fans of yours are like, isn't it crazy how many there are? Yeah, yeah, yeah, like this has, especially, like, in Baltimore, it'll have, like, I do a character that is a, I mock racist Baltimore trash. Yeah. And sometimes people are so fucking stupid. They think I am racist like they are. They're like, it was more like 600,000. Yeah, yeah.

And so I have, I've had to have conversations where I'm like, oh, yeah, I don't really, like, this is happening where somebody's, like, I'll be visiting and I'll tell somebody's, like, mom that I live in New York. And they'll be like, isn't it dangerous? I'll be like, actually, statistically, New York is much safer than wherever. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I have, I do have these, like, honestly, my, the way that I deal with this shit is, like, staying friendly, but being like, I'm not so sure about that. Like, I don't, or I'll say, I don't feel unsafe.

I've been in a lot of places. It's always been great. You can, all you can do is your actual personal, and then ask them, have you been there? Right. When's the last, like, kind of make them. And as long as you're not doing it in an accusatory way, I'm not saying it ever sinks in. but honestly sometimes I have seen

because a lot of people like my dad is kind of like this well he'll just parrot whatever bullshit whatever he just heard from his idiot friends and when I'll be like hmm let's think through that like I remember back of the day he was saying some homophobic shit

about like he was like one time he was like oh I mean look fine they can get married but you're going to let them raise kids right and then I was like okay dad would you rather a child be in an orphanage or within a love gay home and he was like

oh I guess it would be good if they like literally they just sometimes these people don't think about these things you have to meet them where they're at 100% you have to sort of like not you can't be acute like I hear the frustration in your voice but you also have to understand that

some of these people are just kind of brainwashed their their culture is sort of like some of them are just parroting talking points in a way that like they don't even necessarily know that they're being hateful, to be honest with you. Some of them are like, some of them might be legitimately thinking it's unsafe and not even understand the dog whistle. Don't get me wrong. Half of them

are racist. Yeah. More probably. But there might be some that aren't. And I think nothing is solved by being shitty and combative. I think a big problem is like people on the left have been like tattletails, have had very tattletail your piece of shit energy. When in reality, it's like, just be a fucking regular person. Like everybody, like, you, like, you, you grow, I, you know, when you work blue collar jobs, you're going to be friends with racist people, you know what I mean? Like, or people who say wild shit who might actually be kind of nice who, the people that they, they might think theoretically racist shit, but the people they come into contact

with, they're actually very nice to. Yeah. And they actually have more like, you know, people in their lives that are, like, how many, like, rich liberal, liberal arts people actually don't have any minority friends, truly, like, a lot, and a lot of, like, racist people actually do. And so, I don't know, if you're in, like, a small town, and you're also, you're dealing with the watercolor racists. Yeah.

They've got to be a little open-minded compared to the fucking, like, and you're not at the gun, you know what I mean? You're not at, like, the mechanic shop. You're at, you're taking fucking art. And, like, where is she? Did she say, like, where in the country? Did she say? Because, like, how bad is the place?

True. You know what I mean? I mean, what, listen, whatever it is. If she lives in, like, Iowa, it's like, Of course, that's completely fine. Dude, whatever it is, it's the same thing where it's like, let's see what this area code. Yeah, whatever.

It's like the Midwest somewhere. It's like wherever you are, though, it's always, well, the big city nearby is dangerous, but the suburbs are okay. You know, it's always the same shit. It's the people that are scared of New York. So whatever, dude. I get the frustration, try and be nice.

And then ultimately, you're there for fucking class. If all you want to do is actually learn, just fucking... Put your nose to the ground. grindstone and paint bitch paint them paint them

and then paint them getting railed by black guys be like check this you like this you like this paint their fucking their sons having a black boyfriend

that'll shut them up that'll shut those horse up and lickety split paint them getting their brain splattered in the project yeah that's good too I thought you guys I thought you guys would like this

Isn't this what you think is happening? My dad is really stupid about Zoron. Oh, really? Yeah, he's like, it's just like the Bernie bros. They're like brown shirts. Yeah, it's fucking insane. It's like, who told you that? But that's exactly what I mean.

That's on Playbill.com. That's exactly what I'm talking about is like, this is shit that I do think with some reasonable people, you can get them to change. It's just that they hear something. And they, like, I had a friend who was legit. shit thought Epstein killed himself. Yeah. Like, he just had never heard that the, he just didn't know that there's missing footage.

He didn't know anything. And he was like, wait, really? It was news to him that that shit had happened. But anyway, I think we got to go. We have a hard out. Ivy has to go. Big, we're doing big. She's got to meet up with her 42-year-old boyfriend.

No-uh, no-uh. Not even. No, you're right. It's the daytime. He doesn't want to see you. Yeah. But we do it. We do have a heart out here.

They're meeting up at 9 p.m. in a Walmart parking lot in his rural Maine. I have to Amtrak to him. He lives in Manhattan, but he'll only see me at the train station. She pays for it, too. Nothing linked to her. He'll only bring me in the ramble in Central Park.

He fucks me in the butt. He leaves. It's a really sweet deal we've got. You said to meet up with her face down I don't know what that means Guys, thanks for coming on the show It's really fun Thanks for having us, of course

Can we do plugs? Please do and we'll put it We can also put some plugs up earlier Where do you want people to see you All this kind of stuff All right, we run a show Called Struggle Bus Okay, it's at Life World

September 14th It's a contest to see which comic Had the worst life Okay It's fun, it's a good show Come to it Is there a ticket link yet? No, right?

No. That's okay, By the time this comes out, this will come out probably a couple weeks. No, no, just come out a couple weeks before that, probably, right? Yeah, August. All right. And then I'm going to be in Boston, the first week of September.

I'm going to North Carolina, I think the weekend after that. I'm going to be in Madrid, Spain. Oh, in Spain, nice. At the Madrid Comedy Lab, great room. Okay. And I think I'm doing something in Western Massachusetts. Oh, fuck you. Worcester and Madrid.

Yeah. The two comedy powerhouses. I also have... I have dates as well Yeah, please hit us with them August 8th, I'm at Color Club in Chicago Probably will not be out by then Ignore that then

August 14th, I met Bottle Rocket in Pittsburgh It's a toss-up weather August 15th, I met deep cuts in Medford, Massachusetts Okay If you want to assassinate Ivy August 21st, I'm at El Cid

in Los Angeles Oh, hometown show hometown show so if this comes out by then come see it somebody threatened to shoot me with a gun in pittsburg a non-binary person threatened to kill me with guns and they like use a cane do you what i yeah it's somebody with pink hair who is homeless they threatened to shoot me dead in pittsburg on their instagram story and then the next slide is please help me stay housed by being evicted in two days and i'm really scared actually because i know that person is outside that is true that is true. So anywhere I go, they're not posted up in the crib. They're not safe in a

domicile. They aren't lurking the streets. They got time to kill. This might be the last filmed document of me ever, this podcast. So I hope I did well. I hope you didn't, you know, I hope you don't die. But if you did, this would go crazy viral. Would you donate any of the proceeds to like my funeral fund? Uh, yeah. Depends if we, well, let's let's talk about it after we hit a certain amount of views. We can do that. It's going to be like a door. deal. You'll get ad revenue after like 300,000 views again. We'll figure it out. If I die, I'll be edited out of the episode. We're just going to put JP in here. You take him about the same amount of space. He'll

just read, we'll just redouble all your lines. Yeah, it's just him and a green supertending to stutter. Yeah, thanks guys. And thanks for listening. We'll talk to you guys next time. Bye Bye. Thank you. You know,