Stavvy's World - #156 - Joe List and Robert Kelly

Episode Date: November 24, 2025

Joe List and Robert Kelly return for a time-honored Stavvy’s World tradition – the Thanksgiving special – to discuss the best Thanksgiving food spreads, pizza cornucopias, gatekeeping themed cruises, different forms of medical interventions for weight loss, crossing state lines based on strip club rules, naked roast battles, and much more. Joe, Bobby and Stav help callers a guy who’s scared to bring his Indian immigrant girlfriend to Thanksgiving at his ultra-conservative MAGA fam’s house, and a woman who subconsciously emulates the accents of the people she talks to. Watch Joe List’s movie Tom Dustin: Portrait of a Comedian: https://punchup.live/joe-list/tom-dustin-portrait-of-a-comedian/purchaseWatch Joe List’s special SMALL BALL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WXAEFZ-z_ns  See Joe List live and follow him on social media:https://www.comedianjoelist.com/https://www.facebook.com/comedianjoelist/https://www.instagram.com/joelistcomedy/https://twitter.com/JoeListComedy Watch Robert Kelly’s special KILL BOX: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kx6hAQJVURw  See Robert Kelly live and follow him on social media:https://robertkellylive.com/https://www.youtube.com/@RobertKellyComedy  https://www.instagram.com/robertkellylive/https://twitter.com/robertkellyhttps://www.patreon.com/robertkelly  https://www.facebook.com/robertkellylive/ Thank you to our sponsors!Aura Frames - https://auraframes.com/stavvy use code STAVVYTwisted Tea - https://www.twistedtea.com/locations ☎️ Have a question for a regular episode? Call 904-800-STAV and leave a voicemail to get advice!🎟️ See Stavvy live on the Dreamboat Tour 🛥️💕!!! https://stavvy.biz/ for tickets‼️ Bonus episodes every week! Unlock exclusive, Patreon-only episodes at https://www.patreon.com/stavvysworld Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Opa! Welcome everybody to Stavvy's World. 9-04-800-Stob. Colin will solve your problems. It's a wonderful holiday week. Thanksgiving. And I'm here with my comedy, my comedy father, my comedy brother, Joseph List, and Robert Kelly. You're the only one not dressed as a turkey. I'm not dressed as a pie.

I'm a pie. The pie doesn't say, hmm. How about this? No, pie does this. Okay. We're like this. That's pussy. That's you fucking the pie. I like these microphone.

It looks like NBC sports, like 98. Like this is what OJ had. Well, we're out here, folks, and it's got to be a windy day. He's doing the weather for some reason. Now he's a meteorologist. Sports, they talk weather, you jackass. Yeah, but that's your go-to example. I couldn't think of my fucking Hollywood actor.

Fuck you. This guy's all sag now. He's all... Yeah, I wonder where you were going to go with that, Bob. I held it back, because I know you have new friends. I know. You have new friends. Yeah.

I love your podcast. I love how you confront people on their fucking issues. I don't confront. We're a confronter now. I got to worry about getting canceled. I was nervous. I am not a confronter, you fucking assholes. I have my wife's go over words I can't say this morning.

Yeah. I might just be good for you. society, Robert. It's probably good for my son. Yeah, absolutely. Blacks are the best. Gays are cool. Everybody can be what they want to be.

Do what you want. Do what you want. You're free to change genders. There's no God. America stinks. So far, so good. You haven't heard a peep for me yet. Beautiful.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Here's what we're going to check out from my beautiful guests and two of my best friends in the world. Joe, what do we have to plug? I got a, I made a movie called Tom Dustin, Portrait of a Comedian. It's on punchup live.com, the greatest website of all time. And my latest special Small Ball is on YouTube. And I have a week, biweekly, no, bi-monthly, bisexual podcast called The Regs.

With Robert Patrick Kelly, Lewis, Jose Gomez, and they. And Michael Soder. I think it might be Michael. Is it Michael? I don't know. Maybe. I guessed one time and he's like, you're a good friend. You know my middle name. You forgot?

Yeah. And I was like, oh, yeah. Anyways. I love it. That's it. Go look at all that stuff, Bobby. Look at it. Watch it, engaging in it.

It's very funny. Yeah, he is a very, I was in one of his films, Fourth of July. That's right. Very good. You were very good at that. You were both great in that. Thank you. Yeah, go to punchup.

Live slash Robert Kelly. all my dates, my special is up there live from the Village Underground, and go to my YouTube page, YouTube.com slash at Robert Kelly Comedy. My other special Killbox is up there and a bunch of my comedy stuff. And, of course, check out the regs. I'm on the bonfire. I have another thing, Bone to Pick with Paul Verzi.

I would love to have both of you guys on that someday. Very fun, easy podcast. And then, of course, YKWD, the original. Of course. I mean, the one that started all these fucking things. It is hilarious that literally all of us. Just did what I did, except way better. Yeah.

It made way more money. And I still have you on his guess, and it does nothing for a bump. I mean, they don't even bump it. Anyways. And I have, I have, I have, I have, I'm going to be making an announcement pretty soon. I have, I filmed last year, I brought three comics up into the woods of Canada. And a lot of shit went wrong and a lot of stuff. But we're going to, I think we're going to have something to,

show people, and it's going to be very, very interesting. Bob Grills, you're your bare grill shit in the wilderness? Apparently, I'm not with what happened up there. And it's going to be, it's, but yeah, comedy, comedy camp. Hopefully we'll see the light of day this year at some point. Hell yeah, dude. Oh, Colin Quinez, I wanted me to tell you, get out of the city. Oh, yeah.

They want you back in Greakville with a bunch of fat people in Queens. You're not supposed to be here. I know. I really have fucked up the natural order of things. So do you have the place in Queens still? Right now we have the place of Queens. My buddy is renting it, most of it,

but we kept the back room as a studio for now. Do you have the other place in Baltimore, too? I have a spot in Baltimore, yeah. How many spots you got? Those are it. And then my fucking dad lives in a house. So I'm the only person who loses money on real estate. But that's, I couldn't be a landlord.

It's unethical. guys think of that? What? No, I'm reverse trolling you. Yeah. I have to go on the offensive. This is going to be a grocery store in a few months.

Well, by now, our mayor has taken power. I welcome Sherea Law. They would have had the election. I want to say You're right. He's won by now. Hopefully, I'm not really against Sharia law. Yeah. That's where you can tell your wife to shut her face, right?

Sharia law is a, is she a backup singer? She sang with the Stones on the 72 tour. She's the one who did the rape murder. I would love to have a wife stick. See, there's some common ground, Robert. Yeah, bring that Mamdadi body in. What's his name? Zoran Mamdani.

Yeah, that's a good name. It's a great. First of all, that is a good name. Zoron? That sounds like the evil guy in a Marvel movie. No, he's the guy who made Tom Hanks big. That is Zoltan Close enough

No, it is it Tan Zoron, Zoltan You don't know like I can have a heart on The whole podcast I can't tell Are those your real feet?

I know Are you in the next Lord of the Rings? What those? Are those jokes up feet? I'm gonna fuck I do have some Fred Flintstone-style feet Wow, man

Do you have slender feet, Bob? Did getting fat It didn't flatten your shit out? It's funny. I have a theory that people don't get fat in their feet. I don't think the feet get fat, but so much structural...

Damage? Yeah, it gets done where they flattened out. My foot is as flat as it could get. Yeah. Carrying around fucking 19 babies Yeah, yeah. Eight years, flattened my feet. Yeah.

I bet naturally you had slender feet. You had very feminine features as a young man. I did. I did. You were... I still... Certain parts of me are still feminine. Slender feet sounds like a Native American.

Oh, slender feet. Joe All right Joe How is that offensive It's Thanksgiving We should be talking about the Indians Yeah but it means something different to him

We should be talking about the savages I mean Native Americans Oh my God The noble savages I'm also wrong But I'm doing like MSNBC liberal shit Where it's still racist Oh jeez

Yes we're here on beautiful Thanksgiving with my friends here. What are we cooking this year? Well, first of all, I don't cook. You've never cooked? You don't have a specialty? No. The steak tips. You grill. I grill. Right. Summertime, Bob's on the clock.

Of course. You know what I'm saying? Five, five, four, four, three, three, two, two. Okay. One, one. Yeah. That's how you cook a perfect fucking steak. I thought that was the contra code. Remember? Up, left, right? Unlimited bullets. No, Don won't let me cook at all. I do do the dishes.

Do do. I do the dishes on Thanksgiving. That's good. But I don't cook. You know. Come on. Get in, Mandani. I don't want to do these dishes.

Hold on. He's going to make it illegal for you for men to do dishes. That is awesome to be so racist. You're like, yeah, all right. He's Muslim. It's all good. We'll always get to abuse our women. No, I don't cook at all.

She cooks everything. She has third generation. stuffing. She knows how to cook. She loves cooking Thanksgiving dinner. But, you know, so I just sit around and I just snack and I love that. I have my friends over

and then I do the dishes. We had a very intimate Thanksgiving. It was me, you, me, your family and literally just Jim Norton. Oh, yeah. It was us. It was just us. And it was fun. Every Thanksgiving for around 20 years, I invite

comics who don't have any way to go. Yeah. They come to my house. Yeah. And, yeah, I've had Louie over. Welcome to Manhattan. That's him making a grocery store right now in your front lobby.

Hey, we got bread. It's got to be 50 cents a loaf and it comes out of your wallet. Yeah, get in line. Fucking guy sticks. Do you really not, I mean, we shouldn't get into this on the podcast. Oh. Come on, get into it. Tell us how much you love this frigging guy.

He is good. Yeah. This is exactly what we need in New York City. Yeah, exactly. Exactly what we need. 100%. We need to stop sucking off these big businesses. They're not going anywhere.

They need to pay their fair share, and we need to reinvest in public works. And then next time this podcast, next Thanksgiving, this will be in Austin. No. No, I promise you it won't be in Austin. I hope you wind up there. If I'm going to a tax haven, it will be Florida. Florida is the best. I just came from Florida.

How did you have a good time? Lovely time. You went on a nice, this cruise you said, it sounds awesome. I don't even want to talk about because I don't want other people I don't want to get that there I don't want to spoil it I don't want people coming

well you're saying that people don't know about cruises well this is a specific cruise with a gay cruise that's right if you want a nice low key time

go to a gay cruise let me tell you something what a fucking cruise that would be I mean there'd be a lot of sucking and fucking just to be gay going to cruise

with all gay dudes they have every door is open there's no way they don't have a gay cruise of course They do. Yeah, I know.

Just wants to be gay. Bob is a bisexual pretending he's a conservative now. And now, and this wants to come out. Well, there can't be conservative, bisexual? Yeah, that's fucked up. That's fucked up. There's plenty of gay. That's fucked up.

Gay conservatives. You have to be a little... Mitch McConnell, Lindsay Graham. Yeah. Donald Trump. Yeah, Donald Trump's a homo. How great would be if Donald Trump was into ass play? I think he probably, he could probably dabble.

Could you imagine it? Look at his face and then look at his ass. The hole would be loose. If his neck is any indication. This fink doesn't have a lot of elastic left to it. How terrible was that? He was made Time magazine. I know.

Because we all know the neck pussy angle. Oh, I missed it. As people have had photos take in the club queen take photos, they always take the, and as a fat guy, you look down, the guy's just looking up at you, and that's the one going to use next time. They took the worst photo,

but if you look at the photo on top of his head, it looks like devil horns. Oh, I didn't see that. They put the M on top of it. He looks like he has devil horns And it's just this hot He looks like Satan If you look at it the right way

It's pretty yeah He looks like an old woman in that picture Yeah I gotta see it all Pull it up you don't have the TV anymore No we don't have you got that though You got that fucking construction out front That is true I'm sure eldest's wizardry will be able to hide it

You gotta love Trump though the other day Well this is now months ago Now I'm the time I see this But I love him they're like You think this will get you into heaven He's like I'm not getting into heaven I'll tell you that was like That was awesome

I'm going to fucking hell I'm a pedophile. It was like a beautiful, honest moment. He's like, no way. I fucked a lot of pigs. Didn't call him back. Only second to when he called Rosie O'Donnell. I just said about Rosie O'Donnell.

One of the funniest moments on TV. Yeah, I know. That was funny. I lamented as a childhood Rosie O'Donnell fan, it's got to be tough to be Rosie. In no way did you think Donald Trump would become the most powerful man alive. Like the guy you have celebrity beef with

that should have been for like, you know, access how, like the third segment on Access Hollywood, Mario Lopez should be talking about it. Right. But it's actually CNN is talking about you being a fat pig. It's fucking sucks, dude. It would be like if Mundami became mayor for me. It would just be a nightmare.

I'd be like, oh, fuck. You a Curtis Silwa guy? Who's that? The guy with a fucking beret. Oh, that guy from the, yeah. I'm on the subway. I'm just chilling out. All of a sudden, the guy's standing in front of me and he puts his hand out.

It was him. Wow. And he's like, hey, how are you? I'm Curtis. How are you doing? Nice to me. I'm running for mayor. He hands me a card.

And I was like, hey, man, nice to meet you, too. I just can't. I just wanted to be like, dude, you lose that beret. Lose the beret. Lose that beret. I'm fucking in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or give us all berets.

Well, I do like that guy. Not bad. Yeah, all berets is good. Now you are getting communist. I mean, that's the Red Army's uniform, basically. All beret's a little star on him. But he's like, what, Guardian, Guardian Angels guys, those guys in the 70s

that would patrol the subways or whatever? You mean the good guys that did this out of the goodness of their heart to protect people of the citizens of New York and went around with silk jackets and berets and didn't know a lick of Kung Fu? Had no weapons. I wonder how many of those guys got fucked up.

And the warrior, you know, that's kind of I guess warriors air in New York, 70s when it looked fucking scary. Yeah. That was probably pretty cool. You think we're coming back? Yeah. Well, this guy wants the police.

Off the subway. He hates the police. Yeah, no, so nobody's going to be watching fucking candy crush on the subway anymore. Those motherfuckers don't do shit. So here's the thing. We're going to be the comic gangs. We're going to be the microphones with a little six-foot cord and we're whipping them around. Pick them the hacks.

Yeah. They got stools on them. I love that. I would love that. Yeah, look, listen, I'm excited. hopefully people flee. I get a nice deal on an apartment. That's what I'm looking for.

Oh, they're going to flee. Where are they going to go, Joe? Are you leaving? Long Island, Florida, all those places. Yeah, they're going to flee. I mean, I'm talking about the really rich people. They'll flee. I don't think they will.

Of course they will. New York has too much to offer. You have to call rich people's bluff. They're not moving. They're not leaving America. They're not leaving New York. They never do. But they left in COVID.

They go to Long Island. They still, whatever, their businesses, everything, Everything has to be here. They're fucking bluffing. They're not going to go anywhere. Maybe you're right. That's what rich people always say. They're like, no, we'll just go.

Boring. Let's talk about chicks. I mean, tell us to California. Look at it. They all left. Yeah, because California does not have what New York City has. We're dressed like fucking pies and turkeys.

Can you shut the fuck up? What are we doing? What are we doing? All right, all right, all right. Let's talk about it. Turkey. Anyway, one of the Turner Classic movies, Cruise, it was fucking awesome.

It was awesome. Oh, you went on that fucking, that nerd ship. It wasn't nerd. It's old people. It's the oldest people ever. We brought the median age down by 40 years. I mean, people were fucking elderly. I told Stavros off camera.

Sarah and I were just taking turns on the water slide. They have a water slide that's like, you sit there like this and it goes, doot, do, the floor drops out. It was just us. We were taking turns because everyone there, their hips would explode into pieces. Yeah, dude. And there was no kids. My son was the only one.

He hated it. There was also no tea and toast. It was fucking great. I put on 45 pounds. I watched seven movies in three days. What's the diet looking like on the... What are they feeding you on the crew? Well, first of all, it's a Disney crew.

Like, Turner Classic Movies just borrows the Disney cruise ship. So it's the Disney Magic. And then they try to do a thing where they set you up with a waiter that you have for the week. Oh, wow. And then you go to like a nice restaurant. But I fucking hated the guy. He was Serbian. I'm just painting a picture.

I didn't hate him because he's Serbian. What does that mean? I'm painting a fucking photo. Yeah, Bob doesn't get racism towards whites. He doesn't understand it. I'm not racist towards Serbian. I'm going to take this off. This is killing me.

I'm going to fucking hot. We're back into politics. Serbians, go. Fucking turkey assholes. I'm just saying he wants to be. I want to know your favorite dish on fucking Thanksgiving. I'm a fat guy and a soon-to-be fat guy. And I used to be fat guy.

Let's fucking talk turkey. I don't know about it used to. I used to be fatter. Oh, wow. I mean, that's, we're having a nice time. Oh, now I'm the asshole. We're having a nice pointing out the truth. Ever since you went to festivals.

Let's look at that fucking tag. What's it? How many X is there on the end of that tag? It's a one X. Okay. It used to be a 3X. Okay. Don't do fat on fat crime.

You did it earlier. I did. Because I was meal prepping and you told me stop. Because this is why. We've done this podcast a bunch of times. Every time we do it, you're on some fucking trying mode. Oh, and who the fuck would understand that more than you, you fucking asshole? I just want to come here.

How many fats are you? you on 14? Can you do this when you're not trying? Can we come on the show when you fucking quit? So we can have pizza and dumplings? Where's the other cookie you bought?

It's downstairs, you're piece of shit. Hell this can go retrieve it. I don't have a Serbian servant. I have an Albanian servant. Anyways, he was a waiter, and the Serbia was just because I like to paint a picture. It's not like he was like, I'll shoot you. Right.

Or whatever. What happened there? They had a civil war. They had a civil war. Bosnia. Yugoslavia went to pieces, so they all kind of split up. Yeah, Bosnia, Croatia.

Bosnia, Herzegovina, Croatia. I love Yugoslavia. Yeah. Isn't that a dish? Is that a dish? So he's the, and you hated this guy. He was one of these guys he was doing the thing. And I think they're paid to do it or they're asked to do this, whatever.

But he would like, he'd be like, all right. So you got to get an appetizer. And we're like, well, we don't want an appetizer. He's like, come on. You got to get an appetizer. You got to get the calamari. And we're like, we don't really want the calamari. Yeah.

And it's all paid for our. Oh, interesting. It's like inclusive. That's what I didn't get. His tip doesn't go up or anything. Yes. And then he was doing magic tricks for my son, which was five. Whoa.

Why is that? This all sounds amazing. It sounds like the best waiter ever. And you hate him because he's Serbian. No. I didn't like the way he served us. Oh. Very nice.

Thank you. I've been on a bunch of... I've been on a bunch of cruises. Yes. Cruise guy. They have different groups of people that work. And it's a, you know, whether it's, it's Filipinos, it might be Asians, it might be Indian. Filipino is Asia.

Yes. Yeah, but there's, Indian is as well, actually. They're Spanish Asia. Asians, like, you know, oh. Thank you, Joe. Deep all is. No. No, what happened to you?

Look at all these noises. That's all I got. That's all he's got is that voice. Have you taken that away? What am I? Yeah, why don't you have Dan Soder on if you want real voices? I'm like bleep out all the macho man stuff You know beep

The Filipinos That one can stay Filipinos I'll call your bluffed list The list gets canceled Yeah we fucking photoshop One of those triangle hats on him Be funny

What are you saying about Filipino? The Filipinos are the best I do like Filipinos Filipino people are so fucking nice and gentle The men are very cute The Ben are cute They're like teddy bears

You've seen Joe Coy? I have seen Joe Coy. He's adorable. I like them a little fatter than Joe Coy though They have very cute fat guys Yeah, hairless bodies too Absolutely Have you ever explored the body of a Filipino man, Robert? One time

One time! He was making an elephant out of my towel And I walked in abruptly Did you ever do any sex tourism in the Philippines? No, I wasn't the Philippines You were more of a South American guy I've done sex tourism Is that, that's such a great way

I wish I could have said that to dawn I don't know that that's the good term for it I've done sex tourism Amsterdam Sure Whatever I went to Amsterdam And I was like On purpose I didn't stay at the red light

Near the red light I was like I don't want you know Let me just stay away from this It's like you stand at a chocolate factory Exactly exactly But I didn't know this that they have at random neighborhoods will have little red light district.

They have local, they're like blue collar. Yeah, local red light district. Me and Keith went there by accident. Yeah. Because it's definitely, it's not the... The talent, yes. It's not the talent. It's a feeder system for sure.

It's like playing Newark instead of, you know, radio city. The salmon that are going back up river to spawn. But I got... So I was like, well, this place is right here. You know, I didn't try to, but it. And, you know, I just came upon it. That's God.

That's God forcing my hand. And so, you know, I walk by appraise the different workers. And I'm like, make up my mind who I'm going to go to. Yeah. And then I turn the corner. I'm like, all right, time to buy a little pussy. And I, I mean, I'm like whistling. I'm so fucking pumped.

And then just literally guys like, Starvie? Oh. And it was a fucking podcast fan. Oh. Who was just there on vacation? I was like, I can't. This is ruined everything. Well, you think he has a different view of you?

Yeah, right. He's shocked. He's like, oh, like, you don't think he, when he left, he went, and he didn't go in. You're right. What the fuck is wrong with him? He's not who I thought he was. That's so fucking funny.

I'm like, I don't want to shatter the illusion. Right. My public persona. That's like I was talking to a friend about getting prescribed, like, the fucking fat guy medicine. And I was like, yeah, man, I had to go to a doctor. You know, I got one of these doctors that will prescribe you anything. as if any doctor wouldn't have

Right, right, right. Like, I got a guy who just give you pills, whatever, but he was like, you could have gone to a real doctor. You're one of the fattest guys I fucking know. I'm not, you're not getting rejected for fucking Zepbound or whatever. So how is it? Is it working? It worked for...

Wow. Zoom in on that face, Elders. You look good. Thank you, thank you. I look slightly better. It worked for a while and then, I think I need to go up and do it. dose. What dose are you taking? Uh, 0.5?

Yeah, you need to do 10. Yeah, the initial is 2.5, then you do 0.5, then 0.75. I need to get up there a little bit. Yeah, you're going to get up there. Go to 10. Yeah. You didn't do it. You just missed it. Yeah, you had to go old-fashioned. I got the stomach surgery, and then they were like, oh, we got this new thing. We have a miracle drug that's changed everyone's life.

Literally fat Joe is skinny now. That's all if J is skinny. That's how I feel with dating apps. I got a serious girlfriend right before it really became like swipe, the swipe thing. I never got to swipe. I would not want to. I'm so glad I didn't have to swipe. No, that would have been a fucking nightmare for you.

You're a sex addict. All right. Well, I mean, at least on? It's Thanksgiving. I'm just a regular. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was. Oh, that would have been ridiculous for me. Dude.

I mean, you were, the stories you tell me, we were on the, you know, not to, you know, it's Thanksgiving, we're all sharing. you would like just you would find on the yellow pages you would find some a masseuse that seemed like a secret whore and on a hunch you would drive to a woman's house and I remember one time you were just this old woman and you were like 22 or whatever she was 48 now being 50s not that old but at the time

you're young and she looks at you like clearly her clientele was like old guys would come by and fuck her you tell you tell the story No, she was, well, I showed up, and she, she looked like, you know, substitute teacher. Yeah. She was a, she was kind of a little heavy. Sure. And she sat me down, put me in a robe.

She went, oh, she told me, please tell me your problem right now. What is bothering the, and I told her some fears I had. And then she gave me a hour and a half massage. Wow. And at the end, she had homemade oil that she made that was in a tub. thing that was a solid, she put it into the microwave and made it into a liquid. Oh, that's hot.

So it might have been gravy. She basted you. She proceeded to give me a hand job. Okay. And at one point, she saw me looking at her boobs, so she just took one of her rather large boobs out. That's pretty nice. And I just held it. And then

she showered me. And then she took me. Gone for the turkey suit. I'll say that. I'm fucking chubbed up. right now. Then she took me to, and she took talk to me again and gave me a, she had all these stones. Wow. And she gave me, I'm going to give you this stone because this stone represents fear and if you carry that with you, it will help you. After you busted, she's talking to you about this. After I busted, it was a two-hour session. Wow. And I had this, this green stone that took away my fears. Did it work? No, not at all. Yeah, that's funny hilarious. I actually

went back there so much. I had like a, the infinity gauntlet. fucking the Thanos of hand jobs from middle-aged women. I didn't keep coming about anxiety is my thing now. I didn't realize it was that involved. I didn't realize there was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. But he was really magical. Wow. But then I remember she, I couldn't get in touch with her.

She might have moved, whatever. So I tried to get another older lady. Right. I thought young girls always had an attitude. Sure. Like you've got, you know, but the old ladies, they were kind of... Real pros, seasoned pros. Yeah, they were a little more grateful.

Yeah, you know what I mean? A little more grateful. Well, you also, when you were in the throes of this addiction, were a very good-looking man. Yeah, that was, that's how you tell us an addiction. I could have got a girl. You were sexy. Yeah, I was sexy, and I was going with middle-aged women

telling them my problems so they could jerk me off. This is what so frustrating for me is now I'm super sexy, but married. Where's my camera? It used to be like a nerd with glasses and like skinny and fucking, but now I'm like fucking, you know what I mean? Right, no, we know, Joe.

Now I can clean up, but I'm all taken. Fug, maybe you should kill your wife, make it look like an accident. We can cut this. She's getting up there in age. Just wait, Mandani's going to come in. You just tell her to beat and get another one. You get full wives.

Good point. How many wives do you get? 70? How many wives do you get? No, that's for something. I'm 70 too. Yeah. That's for the elite tier.

You got to take some fucking flying lessons to get those. Eldest went and stopped the construction. Yeah, thank you, Elvis. You fucking talked to them. That's unbelievable. Yeah. He closed the windows. He would be fucking frightened if a fucking big guy in a turkey outfit came out and told you to stop.

Did you go out with the wings and everything with the costume on? I just closed the windows. Oh. Did you just turn on the AC at least? Where is the AC control? Those little fucking, it's little knobs in the thing.

That's hilarious. You open the thing. He's in a modern apartment. He's looking for a radiator. I literally thought you went out in the turkey costume. It was like, hey, you guys got to knock it up.

Robert Kelly started by getting jerked off up there. My pals are in a turkey suit. I told you the time that I, so I went to look for a mature lady again. And I found a lady on the internet. And I went and she had to be, I think she probably around 78. And she opened her,

negligee didn't fit her anymore. That's the one I'm thinking about. That's the one, yeah. And she had arthritis hands. Oh. Like her hand was kind of like this. They were like frozen into jerk off. Yeah.

Good for massage. Yeah. Hooked up with Bob Dole. Little claws. Yeah. But we went up, she had an elevator. She lived right up the street from Whiskey Gogo. And she had an elevator.

Remember we took the elevator up. She grabbed my hand but couldn't hold it. So I was just holding her knuckles. Oh, man. And I was in my brain, I'm like, I shouldn't do this. Of course. And then I got up, there was like a hundred cats. Oh.

And they were just, they were all just like staring at me like this whole time. This is brutal. But then the worst part is at the end, she's like, okay, honey, roll over. I go, was there a prostate massage? No. She goes, you made this woman put her fucking arthritic fingers in your ass? She goes, do you want that? I go, I thought it was included.

If it's not included, no. but if it's in the She goes I just heard trying to put a glove on Oh God It was a low point in my life Going from

I should get out of here To well I mean I'm here She's gonna finger my ass It's fucking insane Bob Not just getting the standard hand job The funniest part about this story She's dead now Oh yeah

Long dead From natural causes He's probably been dead for a quarter century. Yeah, yeah. Oh, God. That's a tough one. There should be a retirement program for old sex workers. You shouldn't have to fucking figure.

Why don't you get your buddy, madonnie? I think he actually would figure that out. Yeah, yeah. They'd be good, you know, do another service role. Well, they're a good thing about this guy. Or put him in nursing homes. Prostitution. He wants to make prostitution legal.

Now you're, is that right? Yeah. So he's got some good ideas. He's got a couple shekels in his bag. That's all I'm saying. Hitting your wife, having more wives, having prosecution legal. Again, the first two, not on his official. Not yet.

Not yet. He's got to warm us up to it. Yeah, free bread. This is good. I like free bread. Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with it. I like the grocery stores.

Well, the free bus thing bugs me because the people that are bitching the butt. It's like, dude, you haven't taken a bus since you moved here. I know. You're an Uber person. Yeah. Let the people have a free bus. There we go. Oh, Bob, we'll turn it. By the end of this, you're going to get, we're going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be legal. We're going to be riding the bus together. I'm running you over. You know what? You're winning me over. Yeah. I think in your heart you do have these beliefs. What? I think you're doing a little bit of like I'm a suburban dad. Now I have to be conservative. I tell you what, I am, I would love to give to people. I know that about you. You can do all of it. You can have a little bit of everything. Okay. I don't mind people getting free shit.

There we go. Get some free cookie. Yeah. There's a bite missing off of this. I just want to hear, I don't want to hear fucking prayer things five times a day. Moni, oh, boy, yeah. I don't have to fucking tiptoe around rugs to get to the L train to do this shitty podcast. You think there's going to be sidewalk to sidewalk prayer rugs?

I was, I'm telling you right now, I was somewhere in Massachusetts, and I stopped to get gas. I came out, there was fucking 10 of them blocking the fucking, on the, just, praying. I'm like, ah, fuck me. That's a story. We had that all the time. That was in the middle of, nowhere in Massachusetts. Interesting, interesting. It was just a lot of Arabs moved to that area.

And then at 5 o'clock, holy shit, they just drop a rug down. You got it? You got it? No, fuck. I thought you might have got it. It looked like you did. I touched it. I felt it. It touched its butthole. Yeah, yeah. Oh, there it goes. You were never... Covered and come. You were never a sex tourist of any

kind, were you, Joe? No, strip clubs. I love titty bars. Shrip clubs. In fact, not Thanksgiving, but New Year's Eve, we were there. Me and Tom Dustin and my other buddy, Dan Hirshan, who hated it. He didn't want to go. And we got there, they opened at noon on New Year's Eve.

And we got there at like 1155 and the door was unlocked. We walked in. I probably told this story before. And so they were like, hey, you guys come in. None of the girls. There's an Everett or Revere, maybe, whatever. The, must be the squire. I don't know if it was the squire.

No, it was the cab. The cabaret. Oh, geez. There was the cat, there was the golden banana, the squire, which we called the squid. And the King Arthur's. The King Arthur was the worst. It was in the middle of oil fields over in Everett. I mean, you literally, you know those big round?

You're going to go through there, and you'd walk in and just C-sections and fucking, like, one tip bigger than the other, just a bite mark. And instead of the stage, there was like a pit. It was like, that was the cab. It was the second one. It was like a string. It was like a little string around the thing. Yeah. But anyways, we were at the cab, and we got there early.

And we went in and they were like, yeah, there's no girls here yet, but you guys are welcome. We ordered a drink and we sat down. And I thought it would be funny. We put our dollar bills on in front of us. And so the strippers came in with, like, coats and fur fucking, and I yelled. Ready, Boston. I'm ready when you are.

And got a big laugh. It was great. But they literally walked to work with like ugs and fucking jackets. And we were sitting at the bar with our dollars. Like, ladies. Happy New Year. And she probably thought, like, all right, we'll go. in, it's going to be a slow shift.

And that walked there was like, you've got to be fucking kidding me. What was the place downtown, the little tiny, shitty one? Oh. What was that one? Like Chinatown. Yeah, the golden eye or the naked eye was the big one. And then down the street was a, it was literally like a three-seater. Oh, what the fuck?

It was a little tiny stage and they would come down these, like, five stairs. Maybe I never went to that one, but I remember the name. I love strip clubs. I was a big strip club guy. But we had a great time. We ended up befriending this lady. I hope I didn't tell this before. Her name was Bethany.

I don't think so, yeah. And her stripper name was champagne. And we called her body glove girl, because she was like a bodybuilder lady. And she had the body glove tattoo on, like, her hip. That's awesome. And she was kind of aging out. She was older. And we loved her because she got us.

Because we weren't like, get a boner and jerk off guy. We were like being silly geese. We were having a good time. Like, I want to hang out with my boys. And if there's some tits in the background, great. 100%. And so she would come over. And then she wouldn't even.

even dance. She would just chat with us and everybody hated her and they hated us. And she ended up hanging out with us. She came to our house and everything. We loved her and it was fun. And there was another lady that would smack her ass so hard. Like, like, she had

like a red, bruisey handmarks. Yeah, yeah. And we had an intervention. We were like, no, I don't think anyone's really into that. It's no good. And she was like her eyes were too far apart. You're like, this is, I don't think you need to be doing that.

Yeah, yeah. You didn't get that on mic, man? Oh, that's good stuff. That was loud enough. That was loud enough. If you could get a construction, you heard that. You have a really, first of all, nice, tight butthole. Yeah, that was a bugle.

It did squeak out. If me and him did that, it would be like, whew. Yeah, it would sound like a storm coming. Yeah. A fucking tumbleweed comes out of our ass. I used to go to strip clubs in Boston with Patrice after Nix. and he was hilarious because he would heckle bitches you know bring that funky titty over here

and then we would play closest to the pole we wouldn't care about that we'd just try to throw we wrinkled all the bills up and throw them get it close to the pool so you get it closest to the pole whoever wins tries to take all the people that used to come down there was all these at that little tiny place it was you know a B, C team but then the fucking F team come out

this lady came down she was so fucked up looking And she came down with a limp Down those five stairs And her whole dance was She had wind decks and paper towels And she would clean the smudge marks Of the pole and the mirror Because by the time she came out

It was just all ass smudgy marks And it was just Pussy residue on the pole You got to wipe it down Yeah That would be That's being a good co-worker I dated a stripper once

Oh yeah How'd it go From the naked eye I dated I dated a couple strippers Two of them I didn't know they were strippers. I used to go to Rhode Island to go to strip clubs

because Boston strip clubs, Rhode Island you could touch. Still the best. Rhode Island's still the fucking greatest. There's cheaters. It's called cheaters. Yeah. Cheetahs.

Cheetahs. They should call it cheaters. That's awesome. Well, it's a play on word. But that's not cheating. Not cheating. It's a form. Yeah.

I think it's a form. Unless you're getting your dick sucked by one of them. You know, prostitution was legal in Rhode Island up until like 10 years ago. Well, yeah, it was run. by the mafia until like 10 years ago. Yeah. I think Providence still has some up.

Yeah, I think so. Yeah. So you can touch over an R.I. In Rhode Island, you could touch. And I went down there one time, and this girl came out, and she did her whole thing. Going across state lines because the strip club rules are too restrictive is fucking awesome. That's right. I'm not far.

It's not like Texas to Oklahoma. It's like a 40-minute ride. Don't act like we're assholes. It's just hilarious. I respect. I didn't get a fucking RV and get a bunch of guys. It wasn't a yearly thing. We weren't fucking, yeah, suitors with wooden wheels.

Wasn't wooden wheels and horses involved. So you could rub a fucking stripper's tits? Yeah, you hop in the car, you have a six-pack on the way, and you fucking... Well, I famously, I want to get back to this, I signed my checkover. I think I've probably told this on a million stories, but podcast, but I did a gig at the Providence Comedy Connection, and I was hosting, it was $25, and I went to the strip club and got a lap dance and literally endorsed the check over to the thing.

I was like, there you go. That's all the money. Dude, the best strip club story I ever had was with Billy Burr, Big J, and DeRosa. We went to Troy, New York. I know Troy. Troy back in the day is a shithole. It's all right now.

It was like Brooklyn. It was trying to be something, but it's still. So we're walking by after this college gig. And there was a just, it looked like a, like a subway front. Like, you know, like a sub shop. But it was all blacked out. And we heard music. We just opened the door.

It was a fucking sneaky strip club. I love that. On instinct alone. Yeah. You knew. So we opened it. We opened it up. There's only one guy.

There's two chicks. One guy. and the owner, and we walked in. He said, come on. He literally, come in, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then I'm sitting, I go, can you smoke? He goes, we're over to the front door, lock the door. He goes, you can now.

Hell yeah. We start smoking. We're having a great time. All of a sudden, he goes, ladies, ladies, let's get it together. They go up, they have a duffel bag. They go into this pit, and they go, gentlemen, you're going to want to see this. We all surround the pit. You've got to kind of look down into it.

And it's a bag full of dildo. Oh, my God. So they're playing the music, and they're going. But as they're doing it, the DJ's bringing the lights down. So right when it starts to get, like, you know, good, the lights, you want the lights back up, start tipping, fellas. So we're just like, he did it like five times. Smart.

He just came, but a little bit softer now. I would love if that was the song. Right at the end, we're all worked up. They go, all right. two dances for half off, blah, blah, blah. So everybody goes upstairs. I stay downstairs because I'm not really into fucking lap dances. Sure, sure, sure.

Because I'm such a pervert. Of course. If you're in a room one by one, you're going to be like, well, how much did you just get my dick? Yeah, I can't do this, right? But all of a sudden, the girl comes down halfway through the fucking, the second song. The girl comes down all fucking pissy. De Rosa comes down behind her, and they're fighting. And they're fucking fighting.

And then he starts fighting with the guy. I walk over. They're fighting because it was, the first song was already halfway through. And they're through the second song. And he's like, you said two. It's two free. That was a half.

That's one and a half. Classic strip club argument, by the way. Yeah, yeah. It was, then the guy was trying to trigger him. And he goes, sir, I'm sorry, but they don't grind on you. He goes, I never said grind. Why are you saying grind? He's like, they don't grind.

Stop saying grind. I never said grind. So DeRosa starts fucking flipping out. We all have to take off because this maniac. He's ruined the vibes. The illegal strip club. Oh, he just has to debate a stripper. And it's also like, yeah,

it's, okay, it's two for one. It's still, well, you know. We're all going back to jerk off in a hotel. That was a night when I went right back to my room, I jerked off on my facecloth, and then I put it on their door handle, and I knocked their door. and just big jake him out and just went like this what's this

oh no dude classic classic classic 80s humor it's really 80s pranks if I touched your come with anything but my mouth I would be fucking disgusting yeah if it wasn't in my in my esophagus

I'd be pissed off what was going on in Rhode Island though we never finished the Rhode Island you just would go it sucked because both times I went to Rhode Island it was I knew the girls but I knew them before I knew them not as strippers

so they both looked through their fucking coochies at me and they're like Bobby and they were like you have to go because we're like friends ruined it for them yeah because look I can't do it I'm like oh fuck we gotta get out of here that sucks yeah it does suck

you know that one of the girls came to me later we went to the same tanning salon I mean awesome stuff being anti-socialist and being like yeah I was a man who tanned Yeah, well into his 30s, yeah. I was smoking hot.

And we used to go to Tanya, and she wanted me to strip with her. Oh, hell, yeah. She goes, I would like for you to maybe we could do strip because I have to do these shows, but sometimes, you know, they want girls and blah, blah, blah. And we could go to these bachelette parties. I do the batch party, we can go, and you'd strip.

And I actually was like, no, I can't do it. I don't have the piece. It was penis-related, right? I don't have the piece. I feel like you would have done it if your cock was nice enough. I don't have the hang. You don't have the piece. You don't have the piece.

I've never had... Let's not kid ourselves. Listen. He doesn't have the dick to strip. You know that, Joe. I don't know that much about his penis. You never seen Bobby's dick? You've never seen my dick.

Don't think. You want to wake... I've seen some towel. I've seen some towel imprints, but yes, maybe I've never seen it wrong. Bobby's seen my dick. Right. I'll tell you what. I'm going to be honest with you right now because we're friends.

Yeah. I don't have the dick to strip. Thank you. Is that so hard? Let me finish the sentence. But the male strippers take their... dicks out? Yeah.

I thought they hear the G string and they just do that's my wife told me. It's got a flop. It's got a flop. It's got to bounce. Yeah, it's got to go to the music. Unless my music was jodling.

But my dick, I mean, you had that great old joke about it. I have different dicks. I got, there's a lot of, sometimes my dick is this big and sometimes it's quite long. Right, right, right.

No, I have a nice dick. I do have a nice dick. Okay. And I've, I have a, nice piece. It's around probably six and a half. What are you saying it like that? You mean out of ten? I'm like, okay, I can accept that. Six and a half inches. I have a six and a half inch dick. I don't know about that, Bob. Hard? If you take my balls, tie rope around them and pull it as

hard as you can and then let me lean into it, I have a six and a half inch dick. That's a fact. You're leaning like it's fucking like the Michael Jackson with a nail in his boot. If you mush down all my bush fat. Yes. But girls don't want a long dick. They want a thick cut. That's true. What is that?

What is it? A thick dick. I believe that's true. Yeah. That's what I've heard. They go girth over length. Yeah. What, like a little beer,

a beer can over a... Yeah. I think that's right. A lot... Nobody wants a long dick. Routing around in there. Speak for yourself. Yeah.

I want a skinny dick. A long skinny dick. God has granted your wish. Not on me. In me. I tell you, I used to call Joe on FaceTime all the time

and he would always answer the phone and he'd be like lying in bed at a hotel room somewhere and then all of a sudden he just panned down his cock was out the whole time That's funny That is good Yeah

But we'd be talking for 15 minutes And then he just slowly paned down His fucking helmet was out the whole time That's always gonna be funny That's always gonna be good stuff Joe's got a nice piece I've seen you Yeah

I'm with you though my The the limiting factor for me Would be Now of course I'm fat obviously Yeah, but you're a thing. But if I had a nice... You're a... A fetish.

A fetish. Yes. But if I had a nice hog, I'd be nude all the time. Yeah. If I would have danced... I would have danced in the plus-sized stripper community. You know, like, I could never do naked roast battle scares the bejesus on me. They get you really good.

Your dick goes inside. Oh. They nail you with a good one. Your dick retracts because you're... They see your dick and they just take a notepad out? I'm out I'm out Naked Rose Battle

What a I mean Stand-up comedy Wasn't debasing enough As an art form You're like how are we gonna sell tickets I'm so glad that's fucking over Not Skank Fest though

Skagfest it's the biggest event Like you cannot get in there You can't get in there Because the fucking people are too fat It's like piled out Literally we all tried to go last year And it was like me You couldn't get in

Sagan. None of us. Well, because we were backstage. Part of it was my boy Tom Dustin had had a couple of cocktails and we went backstage because we had been back to the year before and I think Tom was not like a creep or a pervert but he was just

fucked up and I think he was just kind of like and they were like, you guys gonna all get out of here. No, he wasn't even looking at the women. He was just like in a drunken like. He got drunk eyes can look like rape eyes. Yeah, yeah. They were like, you gotta get all these people out of here. And yeah, yeah, yeah, we couldn't even

go to the road. So we ended up watching like I don't even know, some shit comic in front of four people. Like the whole festival empties. Because now most of the people at the festival have never seen a woman naked. Right, right, right, right. It's a big draw. Yeah. It's never, it's never good dicks.

I've never... I've been to it. I went to one naked Rosebuddle when I first got here just because everybody, it more is like a, oh, I should meet people, whatever. And I was like, this is so bizarre. Yeah, did I stay to meet people? I watched a lot of people. Sex show. You ever see a live sex show?

No. No. I've said that sex in the mirror where I kind of watched. My wife look upset. It's tough to look at yourself and be like, look at your stupid face. No, I like, because I don't look at me. I look at my wife and I pretend I'm watching her from another room the way I watch. You know? That's not interesting. That's fucking creepy as shit.

You pretend you're in another room watching your wife get fucked by a thin guy? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Are you putting a fake dick over your dick so it's bigger too? Or no? The dick is fine? My dick is wonderful. He's got a good dick. Got a good day. It's a little diseased, but...

You know what? I'm coming around. I think herpes, there's too much stigma on it. Thank you. You want it? I don't want it. I'm so good.

Currently, I could really... No, yeah. Joe gives us all herpes. The TCM pool. Every old guy in there got fucking... It looks like this. It looks like this fucking turkey. It's all wet and spotty.

You have turkey skinned? I mean, I think if you don't... If you don't, if you've never had something, you didn't, you're not fucking. I've never, you never had warts? I've dodged many bullets. No. You have crabs? No.

I don't know, you know, I've got lucky. I don't know what to say. Well, I don't see. What do you like mandami? I never had gonorrhea, so I like mandani. His diabetes killed the warts. Yeah, that is true. Is there a, can your blood sugar be too high to allow venereal diseases through?

no blood gets to your cock. Yeah, I had warts. Warts was the worst. I thought Warts was worse than herpes. I had to go to Planned Parenthood and they sizzled them off. Crabbs were fun. They were fun. You put them in an aquarium?

Because they are crabs. When you get the crab kit, they give you a little magnifying glass, and you can see these little, it's almost like a little science thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I start, hop. Why can't you just squish them? You can't just be like, they're too little? They're very small.

You got to put the stuff in And then comb it through And leave it You comb your pubs? Yeah You don't just shave them? No, you want to kill them Okay

You know what I mean? I just read the directions I did what they said Mm-hmm Yeah, I got crabs Both times I got crabs From redheads Wow

Mm Cause is a correlation No Yeah cause For sure Because the crabs are red They're attracted to red Pubes

That makes sense Even though crabs are blue until you steam them from redheads, huh? Look at that. Yeah, that weird, two redheads. I'm not really a fan. Oh, that did it for you.

You were out. You could see the blood going into their vagina on their inner thighs. That always freak me out. Seeing the veins, the blue veins, watching it move. This episode's making me horny. It's like, oh, it's Thanksgiving.

Anyway, when did you pay to get your dick sucked by an old lady? I guess we can go back to more wholesome topics like your perfect Thanksgiving spread I'd love to talk fat for a while here Bob I'm not a turkey guy Mac and cheese should not be on the table What? Oh my god

Are you kidding? Mac and Cheese that's not by the way Going back to the cruise that's what I ate Yeah that makes sense We hated the waiter so we went to the buffet every day Joe has the taste buds of a fucking five year old I know that is true We're talking adult man I like mac and cheese but you're

There are children Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving. Ready? Fuck the kids. Thanksgiving. Yeah. Turkey?

I don't like turkey. I would go rib roast. Dark meat? It's an overrated bird. Look, I'm not going to argue that, but it's a fucking tradition. Turkey. I'm not bound by traditions, Robert. I know you're not.

I'm looking at your fucking face. You're fucking a different person every time I see you. Listen, turkey? Yeah. Mashed potatoes. Not baked. mashed. Okay, I'm with you. Stuffing.

If you're going to have turkey, you're going to have stuff. Again, I'm not a turkey stuffing. Cranberry sauce in the can. I don't want you homemade. Rachel Ray, horseshit with actual cranberries. I want the shape of a can. You want to remember being, you want to remember growing up white trash. I want to see lines in my phone.

I would say green beans, green beans, maybe a pea, some type of vegetable. You do need a vegetable, but I don't know what it is. Some squash. Yeah, like, no, no, what's the, like the sweet potato. Okay, yes. I would say sweet potato with the... Sweet potato cassero.

With the marshmallow on top of your burning. You don't have that shit. You don't have your mind. Are you out of your mind? You've been there. You have sweet potato cassero? Yes. We don't call it cassero.

It's called sweet potato. Okay. And then gravy, homemade with the turkey juice. Got to make it. You can't buy it. You got to make it. So that you want it made, but the cranberry you want bought. Cranberry, I want bought.

I want those lines. Okay. And then you got to have some type of biscuit. Yeah. Some type of biscuit. Fully, fully, fully on board, biscuit-wise. And then, and then for dessert, I say whatever, but you have to have a pie. Of course.

You have to have a pumpkin pie. Of course. I'm with you there. I'm a traditionalist dessert-wise. I'm a dessert conservative. I want pumpkin pie. I want sweet potato pie. Maybe a little dollop of vanilla.

a la mode. Oh, absolutely. And I'll listen to any kind of pumpkin spin. You give me a pumpkin cheesecake. You give me a pumpkin babka. You give me like any kind of weird chocolate pumpkin mix. I'm all ears, but I want those fall autumnal flavors. And on Christmas, that's when you can open up dessert to literally anything.

Open it up. As far as I'm concerned. Open it whatever you got. But I need some cinnamon. I need some nutmeg in my desserts. You didn't send your cookies for Christmas. Yes, I did. You sent them late.

Everybody got them right. All right. Come, Oh my God. I had them on here on the episode. It's the crunchiest, crappiest. Oh, my God. Stop me, you're talking to a five-year-old.

You're right. You're right. They're like chocolate chip cookies. I don't want crunchy. Oh, dude. They're not all crunchy. The white ones are crunchy. Oh, good.

Which you should like. The powder on it? The powdery ones. And then the, but the fucking, the brown ones are incredible. The melo macarana, the ones that are in honey. Yeah, the metal macanos are the, I was so... Honey, dude?

You know what I had the other day? I had bread with cream cheese in it with honey drizzled over the top. Love that. What the fuck? That's beautiful, Bob. I hope Maldani brings some of that fucking Arab, Greek, European... Honey is available right now in New York City.

When his president's all going to be Allah mode. Woo! Cuomo! Cuomo! Quo-mo! Yeah. Watch out, ladies. He's back.

What? Keep your head on a swivel, you whores. Cuomo's coming back. Cuomo's sexual. I mean, is that really just, we got a guy who tries to get pussy and then a fucking socialist? That's how you view it and tries to get pussy. What did he do? He spanked a girl on the bottom or something like that.

He's just talking to him, you know, he's sexually harassing his employees. What is sexual harassing? I think, yeah, inappropriate touching. constantly talking about their bodies, you know, asking them out. Wasn't that a compliment back in like the day? You can't even tell her she's fucking beautiful anymore. Let me ask you questions. Yeah, yeah, yeah, please.

Look up with Cuomo's, you know. Let me ask you questions. Let me ask you a question. Yeah. Now, we had a certain way we were, right? And then it changed very rapidly. Which, by the way, the way, just to remind you, the way you were was, you know, drinking, you were a nine-year-old having.

like corn whiskey in the train tracks. That's correct. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no, there's no Norman Rockwell. I'm not 87. I had Seagram 7. They had this fucking asshole. I wasn't going in the woods and talking to Jeremiah and coming home with a fucking jug.

You fucking corn mag. I wasn't stealing pies from windowsills. But the idea that there's some. mythical Norman Rockwell America that's been taken from us. No one here experienced that. I'm not saying that. 90s, bro.

In the 80s and 90s, 80s and 90s, our culture was so different. Movies were different. We were brought up in a different way. And it changed very rapidly to this new way that everybody's accepted. Everybody's like, yeah, it's a better way.

Let's go. But when he did it. Everyone is not accepted. What is the timeline? I don't know if you've looked at the political climate recently has been kind of a A violent backlash. I think, I think, no, no, no.

We all accept it, right, Joe? Mm-hmm. Okay. I stand correct. I take it back. Look, we speak. Anyway, yes, go ahead. But, I mean, what's the timeline of when he did this?

If he did this when it was okay. What are you even talking about? When Tony, what's his name? Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. When Drew. Tony Cuomo.

Andy Cuomo. When fucking. Andrew fucking did all his stupid shit. Oh, you're just, you're talking about not harassing people. Has he not done it in 10 years? And did he do it? No, I thought it was pretty recent. We kind of did it.

No, I think it was like a I don't know if it was the classic whistle. Which, by the way, the older I get, I understand. As a kid, I was like, why would everybody whistle at a woman? And now I am, I am reaching like old creep. Yeah. It's starting to sink in where you see

I haven't done the full but a girl who's walked by and into myself have been like Yeah Oh yeah How else you get to get him to turn around And look at your cock Right

Yeah If I could travel with a referees whistle I mean look bad I mean I'm glad I'm out of the game though Because I mean it must Like when you used to pick up girls

Back in the day back in the 80s. Of course. You could just pull your dick out in a car. That was a move. Damn, right. And they'd be like, what are you doing? I'm just playing with my dick.

Yeah. And then they, you know what I mean? You can't, but I'm saying, listen, let me finish. Let me finish. That was a move. Absolutely. It's a strong move. It's a fucking guaranteed move, by the way.

I don't know about a guaranteed. Let me tell you. It's a confident move. That's like a flute to a cobra. But, I mean, now you can't... You can't pull your dick out on the car. You can't. Not if you're not certain about how it will be received.

Movies are going to suck. I think movies have been pretty good. 20 years from now, movies are going to stink. It's going to be a really polite boss. She's going to... It's not even going to be a man. It's going to be a woman. A woman, boss?

Yeah, boo. That's your dystopian future. It's a woman boss. Get Gary in here. Now. I hope women take over and they turn into pigs like us. Oh, okay. They're just bending young interns over the table and just milk them from behind.

I think everybody wins in that scenario. You would have loved to get milked as a young intern. I'd love to get milked right now. I didn't mind. Call me cow. Why do you think I got so fat? Draw udders on your own tits. Oh, my God.

I really did like that for a minute. That's what I'm saying. Getting milk, not the others on my kids. That's beautiful. Joe, what about you? You do have a very basic palate. You do just want turkey and mac and cheese. Well, I don't really like turkey.

Too dry. What meat are you having on Thanksgiving? I don't know. My family's fucked up. We all, they make the turkey with the cranberry, like you're saying, and a mac and cheese, craft deluxe mac and cheese, Blue Oaks, baby. I like that.

I have nothing wrong with that. And, yeah, mashed potato, gravy, stuffing. but no one in my family likes it. They all eat like me, or worse. Like, you guys think I'm a bad eater. I'm the only one in my family that eats fish. Seriously. Like, my family,

they think I'm like Anthony Bourdain. Literally, my uncle Doug, he's like, this guy will eat anything. I can put anything in front of him. And so, and Sarah's been saying this for years because she's been coming for 15 years now. What is a turkey burger?

You should just have pizza. Yeah. Just have pizza, hot dogs, pasta. On Thanksgiving? Yes. Because we eat the thing. I respect that. And then an hour later, we make pizza.

A cornucopia with just pizza in it and cookies. Absolutely. It's kind of good. Why do we feel this need to fake like, oh, turkey stuffing? Because I'm with you. It's society says we're supposed to. Fake tradition. I went to two weeks ago up in the Hampshire with my little tiny houses.

They have a place called Hearts Turkey Farm. You know Hearts. Right? I don't know Hearts. It's Thanksgiving dinner all year round. Oh, wow. And you walk in and you get small, medium, or large, and you pick your thing, and it's turkey,

it's Thanksgiving dinner every fucking day. See, I love it. See, so that's the thing, that's my take on Thanksgiving is that, like, that was never a, when, when this was started as a holiday, that would have never been possible because everyone's broke as fuck. And it's the one year, one day a year, you can guarantee you'll get turkey, potato. It's the one day you get more than one side in like the 20s

or whatever. And I think like you know, it's like you get all the fixings and shit. No one's eating like that now. Meanwhile, we can have, you can have a Thanksgiving dinner any day you want at this farm. I did. We're ordering food from fucking nations they hadn't even heard about when Thanksgiving

start. It's like it's an old fashioned holiday. We've were past it. You should be able to get whatever the fuck you want because the spirit is big feast with your family. And friends. Your family, yeah,

your family should get fucking pizza and fucking nachos. And we give thanks. Yeah. You give thanks. Absolutely. Fucking Mondani.

There you go. We just fucking turn to a mondani. Although I think I'm getting an x-ray with this. I just realized I put my, like a dental x-ray. Yeah, yeah, you know what's funny is that these holidays

that we do celebrate are all fucking, they're kind of made up. Yeah, of course. Christmas was made up from Coke. For sure. Coca-Cola.

Santa Claus is a, I think the one we think about is a Santa Claus. Coca-Cola wanted to sell Coke in the winter. They only sold Coke really in the summer, spring, fall. I like this. And in the winter, nobody bought, because it's, you know, it's refreshing summer, it cools you down. So they came up with this Santa Claus thing that would, yeah. I think that's actually right.

That's like Chris Kringle and St. Nick. It's all bullshit. I think the Santa we think about, especially the Red Santa, is because of Coca-Cola. Coca-Cola did it. So they could sell Coke in the winter season. I like this. I like conspiratorial, Bobby.

Yeah, you're turning into him. Yeah, I was his shape, too. I'll be back at some point. Capitalism does it all for, you know, warps our minds. Yeah, and Israel kills Kennedy. Let's keep going with this bullshit. What are you got? Hey, what did he try and do before he was assassinated?

Make A-PAC register as a foreign agent? Hmm. Interesting coincidence. Nobody knows what you're talking about. let's get back to turkey again you're dressed like a turkey stop what's a pack a pack of cigarettes no but these holly look of course i love but it is you know what i think they give us to anything on the on the santa stuff by the way it's basically that they do you have santa claus existed before 1931 but a ad campaign from coca cola really popularized is the iconic santa that

we think of with the red suit and everything yeah yeah now i got to buy my my son of fucking electric dirt bike, that's $3,000. Yeah. Because these losers wanted us to drink more coke. Yep. Right. No, I'm with you.

But at the same time, it is nice to just, it is all bullshit. And even Christmas, it's like, you know, every major holiday, there's like an equinox or some shit. Or,

and like, around December. A gym? You know, the vernal equinox or whatever the fuck. Yeah, we know what you're talking about. Yeah. Is that my camera?

I have an equinox membership. Do you? Do you like it? You know what I think, though? What I'm saying is it's all... You know why they're good? Why these... Whatever holidays we have, it's goals to get to.

Because we're all working all the fucking time. And you're like, if I can just get to Thanksgiving, I have that day with everybody. Yeah. And then I got to get to Christmas. And then with your Catholic, get to Easter. It is nice. And then you get to the summer.

You know, you have these little goals that you get to. And you get to spend time with your family. Yeah. That's why we do a thing. I mean, me and my family, we were doing Korean barbecue Thanksgiving because we basically were like, we don't fucking like turkey.

Let me just tell you something right now. I'd switch to Korean barbecue. Come in, dude. If you get a couple of Asians to come over and cook that shit and snap it. I did it myself when it was the pandemic, but we go out. We go to a Korean barbecue restaurant.

That's nice too. Now, the thing that sucks, no leftovers there if you go out. Not where you? And leftovers. No, no, yeah. I mean, regular people, there'd be fucking plenty of leftovers.

Yeah, why can't you take leftovers? You don't take leftovers from Korean barbecue? What, I have? No, you haven't. I have. Now you're lying to my face. I swear to God I have. Really?

Yeah, I got a baby's stomach now, but I still order like we used to order. So it's like, yeah, let me get everything on the fucking menu. Yeah. And then they bring out all that other shit. Remember fish cakes? Oh, yeah. Oh, God damn it.

You mean the seafood pancake? No. Or do you mean the little fish cake? The little strip. Yes. But the seafood pancakes is great, too. Seafood's great, too. Yeah.

Yeah. That's getting me whistling, too. The thing about the barbecue, the Korean barbecue, if it's good, it smells. The place stinks. I think that's great. Yeah, it's a good thing when you walk in, you're like, oh, this is real Asian. This is Asian people's stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Joe would hate it. I like Korean barbecue. You do? Yeah. What is it? Yeah, it's like a sticky fucking sauce on chicken. Yeah, we'll accept that. I mean, yeah, okay.

I like Korean barbecue. You know, it's like sweet. It's like a sweeter barbecue. Yeah, you can have that. You can. There's certain, there's different. What else is there? There's more garlicky.

There's more vinegory preparation. Yeah, all right. There's spicy, spicy pork belly. I'm going to say something that's a little controversial right now. Please. You don't like Koreans. That too? I like Koreans.

I love Koreans. I love Koreans. They're great. I would never date one. No, I'm kidding. You're a married man. I'm not, I'm kind of over barbecue. The concept.

Like Texas barbecue? It's just barbecue It's like I used to I like this Go on I used to love it But now

The last three times I went oh let's get barbecue It's like I feel Too expensive First of all It's crazy expensive One fucking rib is like 80 fucking dollars

I just went to What is it Frank Blacks No that's the guy from Terry Blacks Terry Black Frank Black is on your podcast No

Nope Nothing It was nothing I mean We're gonna have You're gonna have I mean We've been knocking him out

of the fucking It's like a home Brut Derby on this podcast. I just didn't even know what you were going for. I followed one off. I thought it was just a guy. I don't know. Frank Black is the...

I just tried to do a black joke. Yeah. Frank Black is from the Pixies. Oh, okay, okay. Terry Blacks. Terry Blacks. And it was like, I couldn't believe it. It was like $400 for a fucking insane, dude.

It was unbelievable. It's way too overpriced. And barbecue also, you feel like shit after. That greasy. That greasy. It's delicious, but I want to throw up. You feel like garbage. As soon as you're done, you're salty and

And he's just like And the sides are never To the level of the meat Never The sides are always kind of dog shit Yeah I'm with you I think this is a great culinary take

Barbecue Overrated It's over for barbecue Yeah they They made it Too many people started doing it Yeah Back of the day I used to go to Houston

And there was this place It was like been there For fucking 60 years Yeah And it was like Just like a cafeteria You went in There was just these people

In the back You know I went to the The barbecue church In Houston It's a fucking hot next to a church three black lady in a black dude and overall

I remember she goes you want bread and she had white bread she wanted bread and pickles I said yeah she grabbed the pickle out of a stuck her fist in a pickle with so with and just grab the pickle dripping and then grab my bread or fingerprints were in my bread I was going to throw up

and then I ate it I was like this is the best but now it's too much shit and it's just way too expensive and it is the meal that makes you feel the absolute worst It's worse. Because it's sugar plus fat, plus, like, red meat and salt and just like... I'd take a Chinese rib over a barbecue rib.

Sleep, please. Yes. I take a Chinese... I've... I fully agree. Chinese rib. I think Asians are working this over... Chinese rib.

I'm sorry. Hang on one second. They don't make Japanese ribs. No, no. Doesn't change. No. It doesn't even go deeper, the traditional Japanese sounds. I would take a Chinese food rib over a barbecue rib any day.

I agree. And I also think Chinese or Asian soups in general, completely superior to the American soup. Superior? Very soup. What, we got chicken noodle. We got chicken noodle. Chicken noodle, we have chicken noodle, chicken noodle, chicken rice. We have chicken noodle, chicken rice, chicken orzo.

I mean, you can see it sucks by how excited Joe is about it. I know, exactly. I love it. The fact that Joe loves a food means it sucks. He wants a toy with his soup. Carrot ginger soup? Yeah. I've come around on miso soup.

Miso soup. Raman. Raman. Raman soup. We got ramen in Philly. Oh, yeah. Oh, that was good. That was great.

You know what the best part about it? Is that you were in your, we were both in our own little booth. I love when they do that, the little booth. Just hearing you go, what about when we were all in Cleveland? And I was like, you guys got to have Mama Santa's best Italian in the world. And you're like, all right, we'll come meet you.

And then you guys went to, like, tie before. We got Fah immediately before. Yeah. It's the best Fah in the country. Superior. It's called Superior Fah, right? Superior Fah, but there's, it's crazy because there's a Fah place on the corner. The lights and all my...

No, you're going to go around the back of another building. Into a mall. Into a weird mall. Yeah. It's not far from there. Thank you. Very nice. Yeah.

We went. Great Bon Mie Fah combo over there. Oh, we did Bomb Mee Fah, and then we went to... And then we just immediately went to pizza. Joe was so pissed I was bummed You guys You can't even taste

The butter noodles And plain cheese pizza It's fuck that Fuck you Enough I'll be like the funny Oh yeah Mama Santas It's been family-owned

For 90 years They make the fucking pasta Didn't have a full fucking meal right after Oh yeah Nothing worse than Italian food I'm a basic bitch Food from Italy sucks

No we have You fucking What's the other one that's worse Communists Yeah yeah Is it worse? I think so. I love this.

Is it, Bob, good. We're going to secretly turn you into like a leftist by accident, just by promising you sex workers. I'm a fucking Democrat, registered, baby. Now we're talking. You feel it's swinging back. I'm old. You feel it swinging back, so now you're a registered Democrat.

Let's fucking do it. We did eat. I love it. Black people are best. Okay. Women are the strongest. I didn't say they're the best. I didn't say they're the strongest.

More. More genders, more genders, more genders. He, them, she, they, it be you. That sounds good to me. I don't have a problem with more of them. I don't give a fuck. We had that meal, and it was good, though. Yeah, Mama Sanchez's rules.

It was very good. But look, that's a funny thing, too, is that all these Italians, like Italian food. First of all, it's Mexican food. There's not one Italian in the kitchen. Right, right, right, right. Well, that's the little Mama Santas. Yeah. They hate Mexican.

That is true. That is true. It is authentic. It is white. Fuck. I think it's about time to take some calls here. We can talk for a day and a half.

I have a child, for God's sakes. Sorry. I didn't see my son. It's so fun to fucking talk to you guys. What are we got, Elders? On Thanksgiving, who can we help with this wisdom? Hey, Zabi. Hey, Eldis.

I'm calling. I actually left a message before, but I was a bit out of breath, so I figured let me eat. Definitely you're a fan. leave it again, a little bit more coherent. Leaving a voicemail. Colin, I've been dating this girl.

Things are going pretty well. And one thing is, is she's an immigrant from India, which, you know, obviously I don't have any issue with. Bobby's warming up. I invited her to Thanksgiving. She hasn't celebrated it before. it would be a good way to meet my family since it seems like things are going pretty well

and will be, you know, something a bit more long term. The only problem is I come from a very racist Magicot family. Hell yeah. That's the only problem.

We have one hiccup. All the ice posters are there. They pat her down for paprika at the door. We got no spices at this meal. My father has a swastick attested on the back of his neck. Keep going, elders. I have a brother who's gay and another brother who's severely disabled.

So, you know, I have a bit of leverage as far as the type of woman I bring home. but I've for context never introduced any girls to my family because I'm frankly embarrassed a bit by them and yeah I'm a bit nervous about it also I know Thanksgiving sounds like a big deal but it's a 30 minute drive away from where I live now and you know it's just my immediate family the rest of my family also sucks so we don't see them for holidays so it would just be like my parents and I So, you know, please, do I flung up doing that? Yes. Please don't tell her any of this. Just let her show up and seal it. Yeah. Does he have anything?

Did I try to wheeze my way out of it? Should I just kind of let it rip, hope for the best? She, you know, is worried about it herself. Yeah. I did let her know what kind of thing I have, but, you know, they've also been like, oh, they act like they don't care about, like, I don't know, Italian mom, cop father, like they care. Cop like it's an ethnicity.

It's hilarious. Sounds fantastic to me. Yeah, let me know what you would do in this situation, how I should at least prepare myself if I do go through it and all that jazz. Thank you. Yeah, that's good. You got a mom and a dad still together. You have a hard life.

Well, first of all, I saw a picture my dad on Facebook Yeah, which one Smiling with his other family Which one of the ones that are banned did you? The OG Oh, nice, hell yeah Having a blast That's crazy, that one's really very

That's the most and the least your dad At the same time This is I was worried about his fucking His dad calling on the wrong Indian But I was like, I wish I had a racist dad That I would have to hide how much gay shit I think about from I do, I just don't see it I would like to see him

Well, it's cool to have an Italian and an Indian Because that's what Thanksgiving rucks Right, it's kind of a throwback Yeah, yeah, yeah, the pilgrims were straight from San Gennaro Yeah, put a headpiece on it Guys, I sprung for an Indian reenactor, Thanksgiving reenactor Make a painter face Just go with it. Just go with it.

Yeah, give a bow and hour on a pumpkin I do think, even though people are like, oh, it's not a big deal. It's just my holidays just have a little extra, like, gravity to them in terms of meeting a family for the first time. But I think it's the day you want to do this stuff. You want to get it out of the way. No, because they're in that, when people are at the holidays, they're in a more, I don't know, giving, loving, hey, we haven't seen. They're in that mode of, you know. either way. I think they can be in that motor. They can be in that weird

stressed, like, I don't know, I've had, I'm sure you've had some bad thanksgivings. You haven't had stressful thanksgivings with your family? No, Irish Catholic holidays, we all fake. You pretend. Oh, I see. No, I see. That's a good point. Some people fake it. Some families fake it. That's what I'm saying. It's like a talent. This guy's Italian. They're going to fake it to have the moment. You know what I mean? Yeah. To have the holiday. No matter what, you know, no matter, you know, what's happened during the year, you have that Christmas or that Thanksgiving. It's

Like, hey, it's Thanksgiving. Let's just... We'll call her racist stuff when she leaves. Yeah, as soon as she leaves. Also, she's India. She's not Afghani or Pakistani. That's true. Or Saudi.

Keep going. Keep going. You think these people have a nuanced hierarchy of brown people? I think they do. Italian do, yeah. I think they do. And you think Indians at the top? Yeah, I think India is like an ally.

Okay. They're all right. I love it. You know, like, geopolitical? Yes. Seriously. I'm being serious. These people aren't like, fucking India.

What the fuck? Pakistani, Afghan. They're like, the war. Oh, okay. Oh, I see. I see. You say India. I guarantee he's going to be like, hey, I had tax issues last year.

Right, right. You know anything about meth? Or medical stuff. Yeah, medical. Engineering. I'm being serious. These bigots, they think India, they think doctor and Buddha. It's a, it's a, it's a better minority.

bring. I think it's like one of the better, yeah, one of the better was. Only better by Asian. I think if she was like, this is my girlfriend. She's Iraqi. He's dead shooter. Yeah. India, they'll be like this. Oh, wow. How? Or whatever. You know what I'm being dead serious. I know that you are. It's awesome.

You know, I'm not saying me. I know you're not saying these people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, you're, there's something to it. He has no problem. He's fine. His brother's got a fucking problem. The gay one. Yeah, when he brings home Gary. And the disabled one. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. I'd like you to meet Tyrone.

Here's what you do. Yeah. You hire a really gay black guy to come and pretend he's your brother's secret boyfriend. Yeah. And he's like, open a door. You know what I mean?

He's like wearing nails and shit. Like very gay. Why do black people act like that? Can't they just act normal? No, no. He's hiring an actor. And it's going to be his greatest challenge ever because, as we all know, black people are the best, as we all believe.

We've all said it. They're all the best. Yes. Basketball. Black lives matter. More. No, I didn't say more. No, that's what you told me.

I didn't say. They matter more. I just say this. Am I getting it wrong? Am I getting it wrong? Anyway, I think hiring a gay black dude to really go over the top. Yeah, that's going to be the... Do you know how fucking frightened his brother is?

Slides right in. You think an Italian guy, Italian dad's going to be like, all right, well, at least he isn't that gay guy. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? He's going to be like, she's Indian. That's fine. I'll take the Indian. Yeah.

I also think that they're never as bad as you think. You're prefacing it. You're saying, my parents, they're very conservative. The worst case scenario, it sounds to me, this guy seems like a normal guy, they might say something a little insensitive. They'll say, what's your nationality? What they mean? Whatever.

Yeah, is the chicken hot enough for you? Yeah. They're not going to be like, get out of here. We got Tabasco. Hey, he just has Tabasco on the table in front of her. I'm like, hey, you leave your backpack outside. You know, I think it'll be. Honey, honey, you can, you don't have to use the fork. We want you to feel at home.

Yeah, use your hand. You want to use your hand. We're all going to use hands. I think you're okay. I mean, that's a good, that's a charitable read. Yeah, he should just do it and don't think about it. You're overthinking your parents. And you know what?

Everyone has this, like, it's a stressful thing for anyone no matter what to meet your significant other meeting your parents. So, yeah. You know what's going to be worse? Just do it. What's that? When he goes to her parents' house, Indian parents. Who the fuck is this man? Indian parents are more racist than fucking Italian I don't know about that

You don't think they want her with some fucking smart Indian dude They have arranged marriages I think it goes I mean we don't know how Indian their family They arrange them It's arranged When they go get it's the arrangement It's bad

And I want to remind everyone This is Thanksgiving We are recreating Thanksgiving Where you talk to your relatives And no one does any research I do think it's possible that immigrants do not want their kid to be. That is actually a possibility where it's like immigrants don't oftentimes want their kid ending up with somebody different. But I will say the same way you're saying racists have a brown hierarchy,

immigrants have a hierarchy of who they're okay with their kid ending up with. And sometimes white guy gets to sneak by. Well, not fat guinea. We didn't know these fat. He might have asthma on the fucking woodsman. He might have been nervous. You know what? That's a fair point.

I'm nervous every time I do this podcast and fucking he opens the door. Hello? I'm expecting a hand to come out. But last thing, I think any, no matter who you bring over, it's nerve-wracking. Yes. And my wife is, you know, from South Africa.

Her parents are British, or her mother's British. I have to tell my family, don't start talking back to her in a British accent. Whatever you do. because people are, they go like, oh, hello. That's not great. Whatever the file. That's not Barry Poppins.

Because that's everyone's instinct is to start talking back in an accent. You only do Chinese. Holy believe it. The list family, that's their specialty. Yeah. So you're always going to be nervous, whatever. Does they even brought a non-white partner home to the list family? Yeah, no, my cousin's married to a black woman.

There we go. And yeah, it's just everyone. My family is very. No, I don't think your family is gracious. Yeah. My family is like, well, any more racist than the average? My family has no bigotry whatsoever. More like you.

I'm serious. My family's more like... Whatsoever? Well, maybe, I mean, they're not like, oh, yeah. They're like... No, they're cool. I love you for you. There's no, like, my parents...

No one of my family is saying racial slurs at any point ever, yeah. Yeah, they're very welcoming. We had a great time. We did have literally Domino's pizza. So I had the fullest experience. And Tim Dillon was there. If there was a time for them to be bigoted, it's a 400-pound gay man eating with his mouth open

who never stopped talking. At breakfast, he's like, oh, this fucking eggs, like a machine gun. And they were like, oh, this is great. And now I'm like, that guy's a billionaire. And they're like, what? It's crazy. I like his politics.

He's good. I like he has Stephen Miller on. Alex Jones. I think it's fantastic. Stephen Miller, for real? I don't think so. Jesus. But it's November. You're right, you're right. Keep going. What else we got all this? Sorry. No, no, it's fine.

We answered the question. Hey, Stabby. I'm going to try to make this one quick for you. Please. I'm a child. In my mid-30s, married, a couple kids. I have a group of friends we've been friends with for a while here. Essentially, you know, all the wives set up all the play dates and stuff like that.

Wives good, everyone's happy. But recently, one of our oldest buddies in the friend group, you know, his wife has not been communicating with him and responding to the messages when we're setting up to get together, hang out, and stuff like that. And so they just won't show up randomly. And it's kind of awkward because we're like, should we text our buddy and let him know we're all getting together,

even though his wife's on these group texts? and not responding because there's been a couple times where we've seen them like a couple days later just out and we're like oh we missed you guys and he goes we talked about didn't even know about it his wife's freezing them out his wife just not want to hang out with our wives because i mean this guy's been our buddy for a while but we also don't really want to put our wives in an awkward position where clearly his wife has some unknown beef potentially i don't know not a huge deal but but But just kind of awkward, I guess, because, I mean, we still want to hang out with him. He's our buddy. You know, we hang out with them, you know, when it's the guys and stuff. Right. Obviously, when our wife...

Thanks for keeping it short. I still have the same thing. Just as curious your thoughts on that. It's like talking to my wife. Love the show. Love you guys. All right. We get it.

So this guy's basically like his wife has the power of... Got a little high. Is it all right with you? We got to bleep my voices, but we can have that. Yes. Yes, we can. Okay. The human form is beautiful.

That definitely is a human form. The human form is beautiful. I've never seen that on a chart. Yeah, that's nice tits. Thank you, dude. See, you've changed your teeth quickly. I would lick that tics with. We should just suck his tits for the rest of the podcast.

Fuck these calls. Let's just suck his tics. 15 minutes. You got to look at this guy. Here's the thing with this guy. Yeah. he knows the wife you think that you're married yeah your wife they don't want to he he I'm telling you right now I could see him being kind of she knows that he's gonna find out that they got together they don't want to get together with you his wife doesn't want to do it his wife I think I think it's very I think a lot of husbands fall into the like I just go wherever my wife tells me like social cuck mode thing. So I think it's very possible his buddy

is in that he's kind of an oblivious guy does whatever his wife tells him and his wife is trying to sneakily put a little distance. She's kind of being passive aggressive. There's no way she's not going. They text us and I don't want to go. I told you I don't like blah blah blah.

And but all right, well, all right then all right, fine, we won't go. And then he's playing, look, I'm just not going to answer. Okay, fine. And he's going to play, oh, dude, I didn't know. I say, I think that's very possible. But the only way to, like, deal with this is to act in good faith

as if it's a, if this is a misunderstanding or somebody forgot. And then you're just like, hey, oh, we missed you. I'll just shoot you a text. We've been friends forever. And then if he ignores you, too, you get the message. Fuck that. Life's too short. Cut him out. It's like his best friend, he's saying. Cut him out. You got

fucking, I mean, you got a certain amount of summers left, buddy. Cut him out. Enjoy. The ones that want to But he wants to hang out with him, though. Yeah, he doesn't want to hang out with you. He might, his wife might not. Nah, if you're, your wife, if you, there's no way.

I think there's a way. He knows. He knows. I don't think he can do, wife swap. Wife swap. Wife swap. Not that twat. Right.

Wife swap with the ones you hang out with. But it might be fun to fuck the one who hates you. That could be a little. That's what I do every night. That's what we all do, Joe. Last time I saw Donk's face. just happy and willing I was eating her pussy

she looked like she was waiting for a bus I was waiting for a bus fuck yeah man so I don't know I would say just give him a chance hit him up and then if he continues to not show up then you've gotten your

hint and you can cut him off is he not on the text thread yeah I don't get it really that's stupid I think the wives just put it together This is a traditional America you want. Your wife is your social secretary. She tells you what to, you know, where to go.

I don't need a manager. Yeah. But that's what I'm saying. It's like, I think this is a classic setup that a lot of couples fall into where it's like the wife kind of picks and chooses, you know, where you go, who you hang out with. Unless it's boy, you know, your own thing. Like when it's couples, I feel like a lot of times by default, women fall into that. First of all, who the fuck wants to go out with a couple nights?

sucks. It should be guy night and girl night. Yeah. I love cuckled night. I bet that cruise was just an old cuckle cruise. Sitting in an ergonomic chair

watching your wife get fucked. Yeah, whatever. Look, fuck you. Either go extreme with Bobby and cut them out or give them one more shot through back channels, through dude to dude back channels.

But you, that's your choice. man who gives a fuck you can't it's weird to get couples to like each other you know what i mean yeah i think guys too are more i'll hang out i don't that guy's all right but i'll hang out women very i don't like her you know what i mean sure i think i think there can definitely be i think rivalries can pop up amongst like friends of the significant others of friends that happens all the time people don't like each other i think it happens with dudes i think probably there's more dudes who just like don't give a fuck and roll with it.

But I think plenty of guys like, there's guys I wouldn't want to hang out with it. I would be fucking shitty about having to hang out with. Who did? Well, I'm just like if... Let's name names. I mean, I haven't been in a relationship in years,

but it's like, you know, I wouldn't like to get stuck with somebody's boyfriend who sucks. You know what I mean? I would make a stink about it in the way that you're saying is feminine behavior, Robert. Yeah, you would be the feminine person

in this relationship. you would be my wife that's true actually I do need a woman that goes with the flow I need to be the little drama king what else we got LD fuck this guy who cares about me hi LD hi it seems guests

thanks for coming up to Hansen a few months ago and you guys were great and so was that maniac JP I'm calling today because I have an issue with taking on other people's accents once I talk to them what are you Madonna I was just talking about this

I fuck, that's unbelievable Good producing eldest Wow I talked to them I grew up in New Hampshire surrounded my people She's like me I grew up in New Hampshire

surrounded my people who talk like me and now that I'm getting out there in the world I find that if I'm having a fun conversation with someone I'm getting along with them I will immediately start

taking on their accent It's happened with people who have big city accents people with thick southern accents. God damn it. The worst of it is when I'm hanging out with black people. I immediately start talking. And it's so cringy.

I can feel myself doing it every time. I'm cringing. They're cringing, but I don't know what makes me do it, and I can't stop it. So if you have any advice or anything you went through to kick me in the ass and make me stop doing this, please help me out, Zavi. This is crazy. No, it's not.

Thank you for taking my call. Bye. Well, there's certainly no shortage of white guys talking like black people. That's true. That is true. You're talking about Andrew Schultz? Podcasters. Yeah. Tale is old as time, the white boy that, you know.

I did it. I've done this. My dawn has called me out on this. Awesome. Because if I'm at it like, you know, it's usually. Usually when I, for some reason, when I pump gas. I am bumping the gas. I did it.

I did it on our, the day after we got married in Maui. Wow. We were in Maui and she wanted to go to the, you ever see 50 first dates? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Remember the restaurant? She's like, I want to find a place like that. I'm like, it doesn't exist.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking moron. Yeah, it's a movie. We drove around for three hours looking for a breakfast place that doesn't exist. and we had to stop for guests and I saw a Hawaiian looking dude and I walked up to him and I was asking him hey is there any breakfast blah blah blah

and then when I was leaving I went all right thanks brother and I literally did I did this and I got in the car and she was just sitting like this what's wrong with you she goes did you just give the hang loose sign and call him brada I was like did I

did you pick up any Hawaiian when you were over there Did you pick up the island styles? No. This isn't a problem for you. You have every distinctive way of speaking. Or is it? I don't know. I feel like I have done this before talking to black people.

One here and here and there. Do it all the time. I don't like it, but you know, it does just come out sometimes. I don't even know I'm doing it. When I see a black dude, it happens at gas stations. I don't know why. I'm like, what's up, bro. How are you doing?

No. She's like, stop. Acting. Stop assimilating. What the fuck? Motherfucking, what the fuck? You don't do that, Joe, do you? You can't. I was supposed to use an example.

Oh, I've done this in like Europe where I'll talk or South America. When I've been to South America, they struggle to come up with words in English and I'll talk back like I'm struggling to come up with words where I'll be like, I'm looking for the bus. And I'm like, why am I talking like this is my second language? Right, right, right. Because that's how other people were talking. I've done that in South America, too. I did it, but I did it. I was talking Spanish.

I was like, uh, busse. Bessé, O-A. It's like, you're like a 70-8-year-old, jerky, jerky. No, I mean, when I go home, I mean, but I had a Boston accent that I've sheds. When I go home, it starts coming out a lot, like, immediately. Or if I see someone from Boston. But that's my own accent comes back out. That happens a lot to people where they go back.

home and it comes out a little bit. Yeah, but... You do assimilate when you're around people. And it is a natural human like mirroring instinct. I mean, that's why people do it. It's because you're like,

you're, if you're enjoying a conversation, you almost, it's like a subconscious way to be like, yeah, we're like the same, you know, whatever. But it is incredibly embarrassing. Black people, the way they talk is fun. It is. That's a fucking awesome.

Yeah, what's up, man? How you doing? What's going on with you? Motherfucker? It is fun. Oh, it's the funest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Man, what you be at?

Yo, motherfucker, your tini's be out. What are you talking about? Buy your tities out, motherfucker. You're making me horny, motherfucker, bitch. Why can't, why are we bleeping? What are you talking about? This goddamn Slovakie, motherfucker? If you bleep, no, you can't bleak

because it's going to make it sound like I said the N-word. You've got to leave it in. We'll put a disclaimer. Joe is not saying the N-word. No, that's literally sound like I'm saying the N-word. This show stinks. You can't even be black. don't believe that that's crazy

they'll 100% think I just say the end word you're going to bleep it like beep beep this happens with the Rolling Stones they had satisfaction the line was I'm trying to make some girl and they bleeped it on Ed Sullivan so now everyone thinks they said I'm trying to fuck some girl I did not say the N word

no one accused you of it yeah but they're going to think that if I'm like yeah sometimes I talk like a black person and then it goes peepoo How could they come to any other conclusion? Yeah, it looks like you're mulling in the words bigger. We will be putting, we'll definitely be bleeping that. We will be putting a disclaimer.

Yeah, disclaimer. If you don't like people doing character work. I know. Are you back in the actor's studio, Bob? Is that what it feels like? You're right, motherfucker. That can stay. That can stay.

Why was so bad of my mind? Because you're a motherfucker We have to because you don't want it so bad I was mostly joking before Oh jeez Don't bleep it out of us It's funny stuff Yeah I think she's fine

But you gotta just You just have to be aware I don't even know what advice We can give somebody Aware is that's it You're aware of it You feel like a douche And you'll stop doing

Every time you cringe You just internalize that Remember that feeling And try and stay away from it Yeah one of those collars Where somebody A shock collar Stop going into the city

Go back to you Right. Go back with the people you belong with. Yeah, your roots. This is the problem. This is an easy way to tell you where you're not, where you shouldn't be. Yeah, fun. Give us another one. I know Joe's itching to get out of here.

I'm not going to get out of here. I just want to make sure, you know, nothing's falling apart over there. But I haven't heard from any of them. Great. Any of them. They're gone. There's only one person. Your son has a phone now.

Hey, Stavs, Elvis and a esteemed guest. So, well, background. I'm a 28-year-old guy living in Philly. I've been in the dating scene for the last, I don't know, six or seven years. And I've gotten into nothing long term, just kind of situations. Great Philly accident, you know, this guy. I've been doing pretty well for myself besides the fact, but I'm looking to get into something serious down the line for sure. And my most recent and current situation ship is with my cousin's best friend who I've known for most of my life.

And we actually have a great time together. She's down to have sex whenever, so like same libido, always down to check out new food spots. Very caring, very giving, just an all-around nice girl. The only catch is she's 38. So she has about 10 years on me, which isn't that big of a deal. And, you know, on the one hand, I'm, like, really enjoying our time together. I can potentially see myself dating her or someone like her. But on the other hand, the age gap is kind of preventing me from wanting to go further with it.

I want kids one day, and I don't know, given she's late 30s, if that's something she's even considering anymore. And mostly the women I've been with in the past and dated previously were younger than me. And that's just something I'm keeping in mind. So do you think I should continue seeing her and letting it play out the way it plays out or kind of cut it off and start getting serious about dating more intentionally for something long term? We'll love to hear your thoughts here, guys. Thank you again. Bob the shop.

Well, I mean, both of his questions, neither option was should I, should I? like, stay with her. He was like, should I cut it? Should I continue this and see, you know, whatever? Or should I just cut it off and date more intentionally for somebody I like? It sounded like he likes everything about this person. Yeah, and she's 38. You know, she's going to die of several of cancer anyways.

I mean, she's not going to be around for enough. You know, something's going to happen to this old broad. You don't have to worry about getting her pregnant either. Just dump right in her. Nothing's coming out of that. I mean, enjoy yourself until something happens to her. and she gets to go to the hospital and move on and then get yourself a young girl

and have a baby with that. With that. I think it's not a bit, 10 years, what I mean, you can, if you like this person, basically I do think though you need to decide if you're going to pursue something serious with her or move on because you shouldn't just stay casual with her, I don't think.

I mean, you should check it and see how she, she might be fine with it, actually. I don't know. I'm projecting that she'd be mad but she might not want kids she might just want to date casually she can't have I mean she's 30 do you understand

I will you just have a kid and you're yeah my wife is 47 we have a two year old how long did it take it took us a long time and a lot of money but now you can do IVF you give you shots in your ass

IVF as well yeah you're an IVF kid so there's time there's time and a lot of money you got a fucking Frankenstein that pussy yeah there's a lot of shit you gotta do that. And you can still get pregnant at 38. Absolutely. Yeah, but you got a wrist

fucking a hair lip coming out on the kid. Snaf. Hi, Dad. I think old Jizz has a lot to do with that actually. No. No, Jiz. No, Jiz is fine. I don't think that's true. That's absolutely true. As a fucking kid. How's he doing

cognitively? It's always the, it's always the chick's eggs. It is the eggs. It is horrible. Old Jiz is good. I don't know that that's true. It's absolutely true. Look it up. I think there's been. I don't think you're fucking delicious. Giz is perfect going down.

It's warm. I love swallowing it. But no. I'll just anything from the medical community? I searched, does Jiz go bad by age? And it says, yes, jiz semen quality declines with age. Not in the sense that it spoils, but in its fertility parameters, sperm quality, this decreases after a man's 30s.

Yeah, now talk about that egg. See what happens with that? No, but 10 years is a chunk. Okay. For sure. But if it was the flip side, I don't know. think, you know, if he's 38, she's 20, he wouldn't be thinking about it.

That's true. Well, yeah, you got to worry. He's worried about her body. You're just got to start enjoying hikes. And like, old lady, like old middle-aged women's shit. Walking dogs. You've got to look at her mother. What does her mother look like? Is she decrepit? Is she fat? Is she fit?

Because if she's staying fit, my wife is 47, she's as hot as she's ever been. She's in great shape. Fucking It's great. Don't look at the mom. Don't. It's going to scare the shit out of you. Or it could be good.

Or if the mother's dead, stay with her because what Bobby said, she'll be dead soon, bad jeans. But I think, first of all, it's like, go with the feeling, the love. Yeah. Some of these people are lunatics.

You've got to hear what Stavros thinks. Do you like being with her? She's fucking you. She's fun. She's nice. You're attracted to her. The only guy who has no girl who hangs out with a giant,

what you should do at your relationship. I'm very wise Robert A wise ass Hey I'm sorry There's no fucking Should we bleep it Yeah

Pussy Keep all his voices in See if I give a fuck The voices are big Well your ghost like the voices I don't think so I don't think that's his speed Shit

Who? I gotta get in with your ghosts I'll put a good word in for you I think you're having a good time with an older woman Enjoy yourself He's 38 He's older

He's what He's 28 He's 25% older than him But a 38 year old's not that old 33% Dude 38 going into 40 It's a different It's a different world

They She wants to do different things I don't know that's necessarily true Dude yeah How old are you? I'm 36 Yeah dude you don't know You've never been 38

You could date my wife You've never been with a 38 year old You've never been with a 38 year old Yes I have You have Yeah Actually, when I was younger, ironically enough. You were molested?

Yeah, yeah. He was 38. I was 7. No. When I first moved to New York, I actually, like, I went on a couple, you know, briefly dated and hooked up with a 37-year-old, I think. But the thing is... It's a different date, though. But it's not fun.

It was fun. She's got to take naps. She was cool. She was just like, what am I doing, fucking some dumb, you know... But didn't she go to bed earlier than you? No, no. Dude, especially... She wasn't.

What the fuck are we talking about? We're all old. This woman is not that fucking old. They're aligned on everything. I don't think 10 years, what you're saying, the love is there. If you feel like a real connection to this person, that's so much harder.

Finding that is so much harder than finding, you know, someone who's like 25. And she wants to get down whenever you want to get down. That's cool. She's at that age. Women peak later. Right. 38's like the height of their sexual.

I say stay. Enjoy yourself. Have some wine and some whatever fruit juice she has to have. in the morning, just take your vitamins. Make sure she's staying fit. Yeah, it's not like a fat 38-year-old. No. Well, no, I'm serious, though, because you don't want to be,

when you're 68, what kind of 78 is she going to be? But we don't know what this guy. This guy might be a fat piece of shit, too, you know what I mean? Yeah, probably. Like, that's what I'm saying is that, and also the age curve is better for women than men, men age worse.

It's not true. What are you talking about? Are you stupid? Men die earlier than women. No, they age way better. I just, oh, you're right. I mean, physically, they age. I mean, like, health outcomes are better for women older, is what I'm saying. Right. Anyway, my thing would be, if you really like this person, don't let the age stop you necessarily.

You have to have a conversation with her. It's like, what does she want? Because she might, because he says he wants kids, right? She might just never want kids. And that's actually the deal breaker. It's not the age. She's at the age where she's, like, 100% where women are like, I don't think I'm going to do it. You know, it's hard anymore.

A lot of women are like, yeah. Not with IV. I mean, we're literally, again, literally Joe's wife had a child with 45. But I'm saying mentally. Where girls are like, because to go through what she, you have to really want to have a baby. Back in the day, you know, you would have a, you just, when you're younger, you can have a baby. It's not a thing. It happens.

It becomes a thing in their head later in life. I guess I would say either way, have a conversation with her about what she's looking for in a relationship. I don't think it disqualifies her from, like, you ending up with this person. But it does make, the clock is taking on the decision. It is. Because if she wants something serious and you're like, maybe I'll just date her for fun. And you kind of waste some of her, you know, some of the best, the fourth quarter. It is the fourth quarter for her dating.

Well, not even. People date later. You're going to have to throw that egg out because it's been in the fridge for a week and a half. You have to do the float test with her eggs. Does it go to the top? Throw it out. I would say dumping her and if she has a baby, stay

with her. Okay. You know what? Fine. Who fucking cares? I would say the exact opposite. Okay. Dump at her. If she gets pregnant, out of there. You know what? I say the same thing. Get out. Believe me. I'm falling asleep over here. I'm dying. My life is a nightmare. I got a piss so bad.

You got a piss, Bob. It's a really fancy apartment. Let's do one more, L.D. and then we'll have little Robert piss. Well, it is. It is Thanksgiving and all. Let's reflect on, you know, something to be thankful for a very heartfelt final note from one of our callers. Wonderful. I'm excited.

Hey, Stav, eldest, esteemed guest or guests. This isn't a question. It's more of an appreciation call. My wife and I have gone through a bunch of miscarriages, IBF, all that fun stuff, and they're still going through it. Most recently, sorry. We lost the daughter at 19 weeks, which was really awful. But I have found a lot of solace in your podcast. It's really helped me out, became a Patreon member, couldn't get enough.

I'll have fun stuff. With that, I kind of started quoting you around the house a little bit to say, well, you know, Stavv saying that the road of success is paved with elves. So, you know, the more of these that we get through, the close. and it also helped my wife to the point that we're now referencing you in the house like yesterday I was so proud she's like well Saab said you know IVF isn't a sure bet or something like that and I think it was actually eldest but the point being she's now you know a Stav fan to the point that she said you know oh if he ever comes around to we're in Philly if he ever comes to Philly you know I'm going to see him and I'm like oh hell yeah and then for my birthday which just recently happened she got me one thing

We're not huge on, like, celebrating birthdays. We go out and do, like, dinners instead, whatever. She said, hey, I hope you like this. You know what I got you? It was the Stavi-fayi yogurt shirt. Oh, yeah, dude. Like, you've come full circle. You're now a, like, a demit god in our house, essentially.

So I just want to say thank you for making me laugh and making her laugh through all this shit and actually giving out solid advice and all that. So I just want to say thank you guys for everything. And keep it up. Thank you. Hell, yeah, man. Thank you. That was way more earnest than I was expecting it.

It was uncomfortable. Yeah. What fuck are we doing? That's not the way. Anything on that? Yeah. I was like, I'm going to nail this guy. And he's like, we just lost a baby.

God, Jesus Christ. Yeah. We're having a blast. Why don't you bleep that? It fucking made me sad. Yeah. No, he's doing good. They're doing good.

I like when I quote you around the house. I love ham. He actually said a great quote Life is paid with a lot of L's What shut off You didn't say that I did No Mald

McConnornehey said that No L's Losses Oh why do you say losses The road to the road to a win Is littered with L's that's right What L have you had You've skyrocketed me

You've skyrocketed us to the You fatso met me in Mugubis And I fucking introduced to everybody That's right Flew past me I know I have a fan letter from me. He's got Emma Stone on his shoulders at a fucking...

At the Cannes Film Festival. He's got three homes. We're in a fucking luxury apartment. He's in a turkey outfit with tits. What the fuck L of you fucking had, you asshole? It's been a good couple years. I live in a split-level range. It's fucking terrible.

He's like, you want to talk L's. You're looking at two of them right here. I don't know. The greatest filmmaker of a generation just called me out of the blue. Asked if I wanted to be friends with the biggest movie star of all time. Yeah. Oh, wow. That's cool.

I thought my weight was keeping. I thought me being fat was keeping me from parts. This fat so skyrocketed to success. I'm like, oh, that's a great story. Yeah. Fucking L's. It's like FaceTiming with my biggest crush. Let me tell you something.

A lot of Ws and one L is the weight of success. That's his quote. All right. That does feel like a good place to end. taking a beating from your loved ones on Thanksgiving. I love you guys. Thanks for being here. You're the best. Thanks for the plugs, by the way. To the best, two of the funniest guys in the world.

Watch all their stuff. Go see them live there in your town. Yeah. And we will talk to you guys next time. Bye-bye. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. 47!