Stavvy's World - #160 - Oops All Santas! Christmas Special w/ Mike Mitchell, Zach Cherry and Jon Gabrus

Episode Date: December 22, 2025

Mike Mitchell, Zach Cherry, and Jon Gabrus join the pod for a very special Christmas edition to discuss the indignities of being expected to dress as Santa when you’re fat, the sick freaks who would enjoy seeing this crew dressed up as Santas, being pound-for-pound the heaviest podcast episode in history, CPAP experiences, buying holy water off Amazon, the sad reason Zepbound is saving society from senseless tragedies, asserting yourself against movie nerds in theaters, and much more. Mike, Zach, Jon and Stav help callers including a guy whose girlfriend’s friends hate him after falsely accusing him of cheating, and a woman whose good lifelong friend only hangs out and parties with her boyfriend’s mom.Follow Mike Mitchell:https://x.com/bdayboysmitchhttps://www.instagram.com/mynamesmitchFollow Zach Cherry:https://www.zachcherry.com/Follow Jon Gabrus :https://gabrus.com/https://twitter.com/gabrushttps://www.instagram.com/gabrus/https://letterboxd.com/gabrus/Thank you to our sponsors!Twisted Tea - https://www.twistedtea.com/locations☎️ Want to be a part of the show? Call 904-800-STAV and leave a voicemail to get advice!🎟️ See Stavvy live on the Dreamboat Tour 🛥️💕!!! https://stavvy.biz/ for tickets‼️ Bonus episodes every week! Unlock exclusive, Patreon-only episodes at https://www.patreon.com/stavvysworld Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Opa! Welcome everybody to Staubi's World, 9-04-800-stav. Call in, we'll solve all your problems. Ah, it's the holiday season, everyone. Oh, it is... December 23rd, I believe. Isn't that right, Eldis? Oh, wow, you're playing jingle. Oh, shit, guys.

It's us. We have a fifth Santa. The fattest one is stuck in the chimney. The four of us can make it down. Ralphie Mae has been up there. The ghost of Ralphie Mae is stuck in the family. I'd like to think that John Panette and Ralphie May are looking over us like forced ghosts right now. Chris Farley, every dead fat guy.

Panette is still doing the Chinese voice. That's upsetting everybody. We're like, John, please. You do a Ouija board and he's still doing the voice over through Ouija board. John, there is over a billion dead Chinese people. in heaven with us. You've got to stop doing that. I like to think the real Santa is watching this

and be like, I don't look that bad. Come on. This is disrespectful. He uses this as his before picture. That's right, folks. We have potentially the most, is this the largest podcast that's ever the most tonnage, especially when you factor the producer in?

Oh, yeah. Producer to guess. This definitely beats the fucking Kelsey Brothers podcast. Oh, it's not even close. especially once Jason retired he dropped like a hundred pounds That always pisses me off when a lineman Who's fat is like 300 pounds

Within like four months Ways like 190 And it's like fuck you dude Yeah because I've got myself convinced That there are just some people Who are supposed to be 300 pounds Of course And sometimes they're 58

It's different on everybody Yes we have With the Stavi's world Christmas special Oops All Santas with Mike Mitchell, Zach Cherry,

John Gabris the most honestly, you know, we shouldn't say our secrets but we are, we've started a fat

cabal to take over Hollywood. Yeah, I mean, Mitch brings it up every day on Doe Boys, so it's not

so much a secret. Also, I figured it out. This guy's the fucking secret sieve. Don't tell them anything you don't want out there.

What the fuck? You've got the best gossip. always. That is true. You don't worry about you tell me. Yeah, you'll only tell everyone you know. And then usually also you're listening.

They're good people. The people I tell you're good people. They're platinum plate club. But you'll say, maybe we should edit this out before and you won't edit it out. Oh, fuck. Eldis has bells on his shoes too. Perfect for the audio format. I know.

That's what I was telling. I was saying I have him so I can keep track of eldest, so I know, so I know where he is at all. He can never sneak up on me. This, we were all saying this is, when you're a fat comedian, you do have, it is PTSD putting the, putting the red, the red cowl back on. Oh, 100%. I feel like, if you look at my, my IMDB is like Daniel Craig's with James Bond and like, with Santa. What's the other shitty? What's the, what's the worries that Southern Detective was the Oh, glass on his house out.

It's the same thing. He has like two rolls. It's like, same thing. You're still searching for that second. Dom de Louise. You hear the Dom de Louise. Young, dumb, don't know. It's a bummer.

In the biopic. Well, he learned how to sing like Dom de Louise. It's a bummer when you get credited as fat Santa. Wait, why is that modifier there? Oh, yeah. Starting from the first time I probably played Santa, was probably like, because it starts young because you're always the fattest kid.

Yeah. So it's like, I feel like I probably played Santa in like third grade. It's either Santa or the dad. Right, right. Because somehow fat means old. It means old. You're so right. Never tall kids.

They put you in a suit. I remember I'm driving with my teacher to a big and tall store to buy a suit. Because I was playing the dad in something. And they had to get me a suit. That would be. fucking incredible, dude. Awesome.

Holy shit. I did pretty good. My senior year, I was a Santa for my friend, my friend's family. Oh, and then they just are, he was like. Just a little private gig. Just picked up a private gig. Not even for the school. And his uncle was like, Santa's getting excited when like his nieces were sitting on my

laugh. I was like, right? I did like Santa for a friend's Christmas party. Like, they were like, just come, be in Santa, get drunk and like bullshit with people. I'm like, oh, hell yeah. And then, like, five minutes and I'm like, this is the most upsetting thing I've ever done. Yeah.

It sucks. Oh, I just had a flashback. I played Ben Franklin for Hugh Penn alumni party one time. Ben Franklin and Santa are very close. That's good. I've also played Ben Franklin before. Let's all relax. I'm working on a Ben Franklin script right now.

I mean, truly, that is the role I was born to play. It's all about the Benjamin's. I mean, check this shit out. I don't even need to do shit. I have his hair. I need the little glasses. You take air baths? That was Ben Franklin.

Yeah, he would just air out. He would air out. Do you know that about him? Walk around naked at like 3 a.m. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's smart. We're getting a buzz. Unplug your shit.

You don't hear that fucking producer? It's your job to make sure the audio doesn't sound like shit. There we go. There we go. No, no. I guess you're just going to have to keep your fingers on it all fucking episode. He's only hearing bells. This isn't getting recorded at all.

We just sit here in Santa Costa It's like assholes For no reason It's gone now This is being uploaded to a very specific gay porn site Holy fuck If an hour in we start sucking each other's coss We can make so much money, dude

If I think I misread the email I got that gum that makes your mouth water. I heard about this stuff. Yeah, what is the gun that makes your mouth water? Yeah, there's like a gun. A gun?

Whenever I put this gun in my mouth, my mouth starts the water. My body craves it. My body craves the gun. Can I try it next? Hey, officer, can I try a taste of your gun on the subway? Eat fresh. Have you seen? Flethinging for the baddest

type of suicidal ideation possible You see a gun in your mouth starts fucking watering If you said to it went up to a golf and poured out of his gun You go, that's making my mouth water That would be fucking Are you going to finish that gun? Dude, that would be up.

That might be the fucking funniest way to make a cop uncomfortable because you're not really threatening him. You are pointing to his gun. So you've got to be pretty far away. But if you're the farthest of the way you can be where he can still hear you, it'll be like,

hmm, that's making my mouth water. Anyone else? Are you getting trouble for that, I wonder? I don't think so. I'm obsessed with those. There's like a genre of reels where guys squeeze a water bottle like they're pissing with their back to two cops

or whatever. And then the cops are like, what the fuck? And they turn around. and he, like, smiles with the water bottle. Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, so, like, obviously only a white guy can do that.

Of course, of course. That's awesome. And he's like, it's, it's real piss. And he starts drinking it. That better be water. The cop grabs him immediately drinks it. Oh, hell yeah. That is fucking awesome.

This was like, we chose to be Santa's, which feels very powerful here. It wasn't like, yeah, I could use the 80 bucks. Thank you, college humor. No, you. And everyone. Everyone walks with a high-quality Santa suit. You know, for your own uses.

That's why you put it on your acting reel. Yeah. Have my own Santa suit. It's like those guys who have like a lab coat and a police uniform. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Their headshots are them in different costumes that they can bring. It's just Santa and Jabba the Hut for us. Java is not even fat anymore.

They're doing the skinny job. They're doing skinny Jabba. The bear is Jabba. That's so, so fuck, though. Thank you. Yeah, he's like plays Jabba's Jaba's. nephew. Yeah.

That's so... I hate this. He doesn't even speak... He speaks common or English? He speaks English, I think, yeah, yeah. Not even in the weird fat way? No, I think... Oh, ho, ho, pussy I want.

Or whatever the fuck is this thing. We must smoke cigarettes. I'm the funniest guy at the armies. Hey, cousin, no bother. I'm having trauma. Isn't this? interesting, oh, ho, ho, ha, ha. Streets of Philadelphia.

Cooking is about generational trauma, oh, ha, ha, ha, ha. Shut the fuck up. This is going in my pile of Santa. Which I think is, it's very kind that you're going to be in your place. Yeah, I will

probably wear this to the Riyadh Christmas Festival. Are you guys going to the Riyadh Christmas Festival? It's the first ever. I'm doing who's ad is it anyway with true carry how fucking funny was it that Wayne Brady did go to that

that's so funny he did you did do improv I don't know what he was doing but he did a lot of version of his pocket it's just like the most wholesome like guy you could like it's just very funny to think of him there but you know

anyway congrats to Wayne Brady we're excited to see what else he's got cooking yeah it is it is a beautiful time to be here fellowship with my Christmas brothers. What was the last time he played Santa? How about that?

And then we'll move on from the topic. That's a good question. I think it was a funnier die video like five years ago where I don't remember what the real premise was. I just remember at one point I'm shitting out presents underneath the Christmas tree. It was kind of funny. And the woman who directed that

then did cast me in a real commercial. So I'm like, that's what you hope for from doing $90 videos. Yes, of course. Down the road. you get like a real paycheck. So shout out. Adriana. She's going to appreciate me

butchering her name and putting an accent on. Like I'm a fucking newscaster. I think her name is Halloween. I used to just wear it to Halloween. Smart power move. I didn't have any costumes. I like that though.

I actually considered this, you know. I mean, obviously now it's December 23rd, but I considered I bought it on Halloween and I considered wearing it on Halloween. But I don't know. I got to go, you got to go. That is a fun move. though, because it's very

nightmare before Christmas, too. You know, everyone loves that. You know no one else is going to be dressed to Santa. But everyone's going to be dressed as fucking Linar O'Caprio from one battle after another. Of course. You're texting me.

You pretty much got the robe. This is basically his costume. It is, yeah, yeah. Oh, right, yes, yeah. He is Santa in that movie. That was my takeaway. I didn't like it as much. The Santa parts took me out of it.

We just can't. can't watch any art and not to see it through a Santa lens. Well, the real bummer is that Zach thought Leonardo Caprio was Santa and I thought that Sean Penn was Santa. We both didn't enjoy the movie for the same reason but also both wrong.

I guess we are basically, the Christmas Adventurers Club was the white supremacists I guess we are sort of kind of by accident tipping our cap to the fake white supremacist in one battle after another. Did you figure it up? I was searching Santa in my mail to see what I could find

because I know what all you found was that naughty and nice list that you wrote Oh man, I don't want to put this energy out there But how far are we from a Santa mass shooting For some guy has a naughty and nice list You just sparked an idea for some I feel like it's just in a sled

Have there been fat mass shooters? We got to get in there People talk about like they're bullied I'm like, you know Of course, that is true Yeah, that is true Not a lot of fat mass shooters. I don't think of.

That's why we eat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To avoid that. People should be fatter. A nurse will save the lives of innocent people. The only thing that will... That's why they take Zepbound off the market. Shootings are up like crazy.

Oh, dude, there are some fat. They're like, you know how they have like ancient diseases trapped under the permafrost? It's like, Zetbound is going to like... When some fat people get some confidence, they are going to commit crime. When they're not docile because of their weight. There's going to be like new STDs when fat guys start fucking. When these crusty fat guys unleash whatever. Anime conventions are going to get fucking wild.

Triclyceride sperm they have. No, you're right. The only thing that's stopping us from a civil war is that the country's too fat, by the way. There's literally some statistic I saw on Twitter that was like no country of a certain BMI is. I've read a civil war. And I don't know if it's real or not, but I'd choose to believe it. You're welcome, everyone. Yeah, that's our doing, folks.

We're holding the country together. Definitely bringing up the overall average. I saw a really anti-fat guy movie last night, the longest walk. Have you seen it? Yeah. The long walk. The long walk. I loved it.

I liked it. I thought it was fun. I cried my fucking eyes out. Did you really? Just thinking about if someone made him walk that much? I was stressed watching it because I was like, imagine you book a movie and it's the movie where you got to walk 13 miles a day. We're like, I'm not in good enough shape to play the guy that's out of shape

In this movie It gets killed first Yeah The guy with a starting gun just shoots me And you're thankful Oh, thank fucking God Yeah When I walk now

I do think about that movie Because you can't fall below Whatever three miles per hour That's pretty quick Yeah And I think the book is 3.5 And the movie made it three To make it four

Yeah, it's something it's higher Which is what I consider jogging Stephen King is his skinny tall man He doesn't understand True, true, true I mean he's not brain to walk in and he'll fucking step in front of a car Once every 25 years Well his speeds are high

So he thought he could Yeah, he said I can clear this Fucking hated Langalears Guy did it on purpose It's been waiting for Stephen King The girl's road The general or whatever is like This one guy isn't getting up to four miles per hour

And we don't know what to do with all He's never even set the clock As the loophole You never fell below because you never hate it. I went on a technicality, waddling. You know, I can just roll downhill and keep momentum the whole way, like the fat kid from hook. Yeah, yeah.

If it's down here, I could roll. I can roll with 3.0, no problem. Something cool behind the scenes of that movie is they shot it in order. So when a character died, they just sent them home. Oh, so actors were like losing friends over the course. of the production, which is really cool. That's kind of fucked up, too. It's kind of nice because then you get to go home.

Yeah, I mean, that's also nice, but it is sad to lose people along the way. Yeah, it's better than being in, like, Bulgaria for five weeks and then shooting your one day at the end that they need you for. Oh, yeah. I saw it in, at the Times Square AMC, which was in the most insane movie experience I've ever had. Oh, yeah. There were three people just talking the entire movie a row of me.

Yeah, that AMC is essentially like a homeless shelter. Yeah. Which is the house of sorts of, like, only, depending on. what time of day. Would you see it in the middle of the day? No, it was like 10 p.m. Okay, yeah. That's too late. There was three people loudly yelling what I think was rushing at each other during the whole movie.

And then there was a guy who was asleep for half of it, but then he woke up and he was like, stand up for yourself like saying it to the characters on the screen. That guy fucking, that guy had a dream. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He had some... He's like, I'm going to turn my life around today, starting with this movie.

He started saying shut up and I was like, oh good, he's yelling at the people who were talking, but he was talking to the people on the street to the character. We're trying to sleep. I feel like Seymour Hoffman's son. Yeah, dude. Good knowledge of Hollywood on this guy.

Dude, when I moved from New York to L.A. Going to movies became like such an insanely increased experience because I go in here to like before there was, I mean 15 years ago too, there wasn't like the reserve seating and shit. So you'd be like, I got to be two hours early to fast five in union school. and then you go to LA and it's like

everything is like assigned seating people have gotten bad again post pandemic I don't get me started on movie theater behavior it's when I feel like it's fucking awful when I go off I go in the morning for the first showing which is the baby and me showing at at certain theater so it's just me and a bunch

of single moms I think that's actually I mean you're you're in a relationship but that's you're a married man that's not a bad look Clawed that was in a file single moms I'm listening you saw Gabriel's not there in diapers, I believe.

Mike and his Finn Dom, who puts him in a diaper and makes him watch movies he hates. We're going to go see Star Wars Wars Awakens again, Mitch. That's called Sin Dom, right? I used to live in Brooklyn, and we had the Cobble Hill Cinemas, which was like the hipster, like, older people. And then there was the regal

cinemas, a regal union. And it was was if you walked up to the counter after a movie, before you said anything, they gave you a refund because they knew. Like, if you were just, if you were like white and of a certain age, they knew you were coming to complain. Because the vibe there was like school field trip,

every fucking movie, no matter what movie you were at, no matter the age of the people, you felt like a teacher taking a thousand kids somewhere. I know. It was a wild fucking scene. I can like a lively audience, but that movie, it just was not.

It wasn't the vibe. A woman answered her phone, put it on speakerphone, and passed it down the line to the people she was with so they can all say hi to one person. That's fucking awesome.

And these people are eating McDonald's with a kid and it was in the Halloween reboot. I do like that. That's so fucking awesome. It was fucking awesome. That kind of makes me nostalgia though. I feel like those are the movie theaters

I grew up with. Like in Baltimore, remember East Point, Eldis? East Point. I mean, now they've actually somebody bought it and made like one of those assigned seating theaters. But dude,

growing up, like legitimately people smoked cigarettes in the movie. movie theater. And one time our friend did, that's when you felt like, whoa, we're becoming like, we feel the circle of life. We had the dirt bags now. Or my friend just like, a little sparked

up, we're like, dude, what are you doing? He's just smoking. I was like, hell. And then I saw the first Fast and the Furious, I saw it there. And everyone was so jacked. Somebody stabbed the guy. And so, we just had to like wait until the police kind of cleared everything out before we could leave.

Watching the rest of Fasten Pierce white on the coverage. That was a regular occurrence. At my movie theater growing up, that was a semi-regular occurrence. Yeah. Yeah. Hell yeah. I grew up.

I grew up in Trenton, but not even in Trenton. This was like outside of time. Oh, yeah, dude. Oh, man. Glad you made it out. Yeah, dude. You made it out of that lifestyle. It's the first.

Yeah, when I hear, that's, I do rarely feel kindred, a kindred spirit when I say I grew up in Baltimore. People try and like, oh, yeah, but Trenton. It's the Baltimore of New Jersey. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Hell, yeah. The thing you described that life cycle of when you were a kid, things you remember your parents bitching about

you're doing now? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, when you're like, these kids are fucking, like, your mom and our dad is like, these kids don't know how to behave. And then, like, five years later, you realize you're those kids. Yeah, absolutely. It's a fucking great feeling. And then 20 years later, you're your dad. Yes, 100%.

Because my dad was a big tell other people to be quiet in the movie theater guy. Oh, respect. And for 20 years, I was like, Dad, stop, it's fine, it's fine. You're embarrassing. And now I'm that, I'm that dude. Oh, I do it. I'll tell people right away. Mitch is almost looking for it.

Yeah. I sat down with him one time at the vista and he was like, he's like, this is like, this is the best of a guy from Boston can use his like, stand your ground tendencies. Like it leads, like, he wants to accost teenagers in the movie there are not like with his gun. Like in his, in his heart, it's like what he was bred to do was like a cost black teenagers on the street. And Mitch's like, no, no, no, I'm a good guy.

I just yell at people to movie theater. Yeah, you bring your assistant football coach energy to the AMC. There were two teenage kids in theater last night. They were acting fine. They were great. Yeah. You checked on the teenage boys when you first got them. Did you give them a candy?

Well, I was dressed in my Santa suit. You had your other Santa suit on. Miss Came here changed out of his movie Santa suit and put on his podcast. Santa suit. A Santa suit for all occasions. You guys heard the reindeer hooves when I first arrived. I won't, like, I actually

won't do it to kids, but if it's a, because then I feel like this is kids being kids, whatever. But if it's someone my age, I get, I get, I become like you were, my, my Eastern European programming to just fight anyone that annoys you kicks in.

And I, it's a real problem because I'm going to get my ass kicked at some point. Right. Because I'm not strong. I'm fat as shit. Like, but I just hop off at the mouth where I can't stay. You know what I mean? You're so in the right. Yes.

That's the thing though. So if you got your ass kicks telling someone to be quiet. Yeah. You're at least like, well, I, you were objectively in the right. So you're the sympathetic victim the whole time. I'm empowered by righteous self-righteousness. They get mad at you even if you are in the, they don't care anymore. That's like, especially I love to do it in L.A.

because it is just people like, like, it's movie dorks going to theaters and they Oh yeah you feel like an alpha at the vista Oh 100% Well get the fuck out of the way nerds You know what I mean It's like it's the biggest door It's like guys that are older fat

Anyone older than us is in horrific shape Yeah And anyone younger than us is such a coward That is like just so easy To feel like a fucking man You can fight in their two small denim jackets Yeah Yeah you ain't an L anymore

Pau Go ahead and make the Clunch of XL Button that. Let me see a button that, kid. It's the ghost of Christmas futures for me where they're like, they're like 15 years older than me

and they're like, are using waking CPAPs. Just during the movie. They fill their CPAP with popcorn. The heater is popping the popcorn. It's a beautiful, self-sufficient system. Every time I see a CPAP, I think of you guys. I got served in Instagram real where Shaq is wearing like a full-blown aquarium helmet

It's a CPAP that goes like over his whole head Like an old scuba mask It was fucking crazy You've seen it there and then in the emails In the emails your doctor begs you to get one That's the other time I see a lot of it I was blown away that I didn't have sleep apnea I did sleep trials

You did because I'm a CPAP user I don't know if you're okay Sep proponing elders absolutely needs one I hear him when we sign up like when we were fucking when we would like pass out and this was in our 20s

Elvis would be like a shaking of bells and then snores Elvis sleeps like oh I think that's one of the diagnostic criteria dude it's like he's dying

remember when my brother slept in the same bed as you and he what was it I slept in a room with a Stav's brother brother on the trip we were on then I woke up in the morning He was just like up in his bed, like leaning on his shoulder to look at me.

He was like, you have sleep apnea. He's just waiting for hours to tell Eldon, you've got sleep apia. You ruined my night's sleep. Before I had the CPAP, it was a benefit because I would always get the solo room in bed. When I was traveling with friends, because nobody wanted to sleep in the same room. That used to happen on the doughboys tours when I'd go on. But the Nick was like, we stayed at that Airbnb in like Arizona one time before you guys had Emma and stuff. So it was like, and Nick was like, I'm not fucking, and I'm like, I can sleep through anything.

I just like, well, in the middle of the night, I was like, I am so fucking scared. You know when like coyotes get into a garbage can? It sounded like that. It was like harmonizing octaves of like. Harmonizing is a good way to put it. It's also the bad thing to be the bad sleeper when he's a guy who puts on sunglasses at 10 p.m. has, like, fluorescent lights. He does, like, light treatment therapy and all that shit.

And I'm the guy who's more fucked up. I'm really good at sleeping. It's, like, the only thing. I can, like, go. I could sleep in most places, no matter what the light. Not a napper, either. Not a nap or, no. That's good for you.

I can wake up when I have to wake up. I can fall asleep. Like, I'm pretty good at least. I wish I could. I still can. I still, sleep is still, you know, fucking annoying for me. And it sucks because you get the CPAP in the first couple months. You're like, I'm a new man.

Yeah. And then you just adjust. You even out of it. like shit. You're just like, well, now I won't die in my sleep, but I still feel like shit every fucking moment. It feels like an adventure that you might not wake up for the next morning that's gone. It took that joy for me. Well, the CPAP is fixing a symptom of something else we could probably fix. Yeah. If we had to.

It's like, I got the CPAP squared away. I just need 11 more pills. Yeah, I love my pills to counteract the injection. I take to hopefully stop me from getting fatter. You are a CPAP guy, though, right? I am, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. What you got? Oh, you know, let's talk, let's talk shop.

You should have, I'm a rice med guy. Oh, same here, I love the race med. We got to get him to sponsor this episode. Let's send it to him as a spec. Yeah, absolutely. Yep. And I got to travel one. You got to go travel.

You got to go travel. Do you bring the big one, though? I brought the whole, I bought the whole, the whole, the whole, uh, the whole big boy I was traveling with that. This is a fat guy problem I want to talk to you about. Please. If I travel in East, it's Christmas season, so it's a little cool in New York. Yeah.

If I pack two hoodies and two pairs of pants, I need a second suit kit. Dude, it's brutal. It does not fold up. So I'm imagining a CPAP to new language. Medical device loophole. It doesn't count as a carry on. This is true. It's a medical device loophole.

And you can put stuff in the carrier, extra stuff. Oh. Skittles in there, shit. You can't supposed to put them in the mask Literally, when I go to the airport And I go to the airport In the airplane? Well, I did once.

I flew to Australia and I did once. Yeah. But it's a whole process. You have to get it cleared with the airline and like Oh, really? I don't do any of that shit. They don't want you to like short out their system. Oh, wow.

So this guy is so fat. Napping might take down an airplane. He might be napping so hard and fatly. They didn't destroy a Boeing 747 You hear They play like the phone recording Of the guy saying let's roll Like it's 9-11

But it's to fucking take The black box is just Zach snoring As the thing fucking crashed A tiger shark with a no Like a nozzle coming out of its mouth Oh dude I have definitely on long flights I feel like I did that

I think I tried it When I went to Venice And then anytime it's, if I get a, if I get a, like, lay flat. Yeah, if I get a lay flat and it's a long flight, the CPAP's coming out, brother. Oh, yeah. I don't give, I don't have, I have no shame about baneing up in the fucking, I don't give a fuck. I think people would prefer that to hearing you snore in first class, which I think I did on the flight out here. Because I, I snapped awake at one point, and I looked around and I was like, I'm bothering before I got the vibe.

I feel like the plane is loud enough. Yeah. You're in the clear. And most people are noise. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think, I think, the plane. If I saw you shirt off with the CPAP mask on, shirt off. Oh, shirt off.

On the plane? Wait, are you allowed to take your shirt off on the plane? You might have, you. First thing is crazy. You could do whatever you want. It would be like a budget version of Dark Night Rise is beginning. Of course. I never, I'm embarrassed by it, and I also didn't know that you could actually plug in.

I thought that it was. Oh, you can plug in, brother. You can do it? Absolutely. But do you, what do you do? Oh, you guys have the cartridges. Right? Don't that you aren't for travel.

You're talking about water? Yes. Yeah, you, I go dry. I don't even use water anymore. No, I have the little cartridge. I just go dry. I don't give a fuck. I think when I learned

CPAP and the wreckage, brother. I can't go dry. Well, I can't go with CPAPs. I can't go dry with everything else. I prefer it. I'm so used to dry. Well, when you got such a little ass dick, it's dry.

It feels smaller. You thought the girl you're dating is tight. You just have, you're so bad at turning her on. She's just completely dry. Yeah, no, I've, I trained myself to go dry to be, to be able to go whenever. You studied the way of the dry, of the dry CPAP. Because I got tired of looking for distilled water on the road. I did that my first night.

We went in... Yeah, not you did that. We all did that because we had to go with you in D.C. And we went to a pretty scary 7-Eleven. We went to a place where I had to go, like, full, like, old-fashioned masculinity and, like, stand in between Emma and Amelia and this unhoused guy who was shadowboxing the window. Like, I guess it's not called shadow boxing if you're hitting something.

He was, he was... He was from the shadow realm. For him, he was sleeping in front of the 7-11 and then followed us in. was not. Yeah, it was for my CPAP. And then the first night here. To get distilled water.

To get distilled water. To get better water than he drinks. He breath in. And then I went to a bodega here because I'm staying at the Arlo in Soho and I walked to a bodega. And I'm sure that they get bodegas get fat guys. I was like, you got water. And they're like, yeah, we got plenty of water.

I was like, distilled water. He's like, no, you're going to go to this other fucking bodega. Yeah. And it was like two miles away. It's not. But that's, you know, he was just trying to get you to get distilled water. There's no way you had to walk two miles He was like, it's like it's right over there by the salad

That you grab Anything you walk while you're over there This one's on the house There's a bottle There's one bottle of distilled water under this kale Eat your way through it and you can have it Like a bigger loser Conflictus loser contest

You're like the old Uber to the other one, thank you Chop cheese to go that's all I need in the Uber I imagine you can order Uber and Postmates in one where the guy picks up the food then picks you up in the car and you get to eat in this bag seat like a fucking king Cut this part out, cut this part out Another fucking sponsor that we're making spec ads

And now we're just creating business Hello sharks, we're four Santa Claus The Whale Sharks See if your idea is fat enough for the four of us. Ooh, I would love that. Fat only businesses in America, now we're talking. We should just launch a big and tall line that just doesn't have those words in the title.

Absolutely. I would shop there in a heartbeat. Fat and long. Fat and long. Long and fat. I like that. What is the bone? What is the bone?

He's the big and tall brand that I, that I, that I, that I, that I, rock. You were looking good. You're looking good coming in here. He came in head to toe. I might have to get burned up myself. It's a beautiful. They actually bleep that out. No free promo. Yeah. Actually, yeah.

Yeah. They need to cut my man Zach a check, dude. They need to come on me. They know I'm out here rocking it. But I will be looking at it later. Oh, yeah. Elders is on there right now. My problem is. He stopped his computers on the fucking website. Shut down garage man.

Yeah, shut that garage man. To go on the One Bone website. We have to use, like, the shitty, like, audio from the camera. It's going to sound like shit. My problem with big and tall clothes is that they always do subdued colors. Right. It's always, like, beige's and blacks and grays. And I like to wear fleshyck.

I'm a peacock guy. And they just don't make it except in, like, tablecloths. Yes, absolutely. I have to buy, like, curtains and wear them. Even the old... They'll have a cool thing. but it's like, then every fat guy you see has that shirt. Because it's only the one pattern.

It's the one, yeah, yeah, yeah. Me and Tim Dillon have had the same polo, like shirt. I see, I'm like, oh, they're Foley, we just did, Are You Garbage? When I see my fat friends that go hit the Big and Tall a little sooner than me, I'm like, ooh, I have to go check that. I have to go get that shirt and coordinate with them so that I don't wear it at the same place. Yeah, before we were friends, I mean, I've been following you for years. You definitely wore a shirt where I'm like, well, I put mine in retirement.

God forbid we're ever on the same lineup and we have the same shirt we can't even like touch each other else totally time continuum will shut down when I was when I was slightly less fat

and I was actually I'm probably back there now the Old Navy 2X the move was you get to Old Navy the day the new shirts come out and you wear them that week and you put them away before every fat guy on earth gets them

but the first if you get them fresh they had some good stuff old Navy you take like three Instagram photos so you can like get ownership off of me. I take a picture I mailed to myself. Yeah, holding the newspaper like you're a kidnap victim. I was at this comic

bookstore the other day and there was a Friday the 13th sweatshirt and I was like, can I get that in 3X and they were like, we don't have 3X and you're like to not be able to get a comic bookshop fucking 3X that's insane shirt is so insulting. And then I was like, how about that Halloween one? I'm like, no, only 2X. I was like, oh, fuck this shit.

Come on, guys. I know. Who are you fucking kidding? I know. I mean, I'm It is, it's the Christmas season. It's the Christmas season. So I'm sure there was a lot of people buying it for Halloween. Of course. It's the Christmas, yeah. They're buying presents for their Halloween fanatic loved ones.

This is really complicated because we are technically doing a tenant episode as well because Zach and I are traveling from Christmas towards Halloween. And you guys are living from Halloween towards Christmas. Oh, dude, you know what I tie this in? That was our, uh, during the, Me and my brothers had a, we would just, on Christmas, we would take mushrooms and go to the, like, or acid and go to the movie theaters for a couple years. Then the pandemic happened.

And the one year where my brothers, eldest, all our friends, came to my apartment in Queens and took mushrooms. We watched Tenet. Oh, hell, yeah. It was the fucking bad, because it's like, that movie doesn't make sense, sober. I've seen the movie six times, and I could not explain it to anyone. And I fucking love it. Yeah. And we were just so, that was one of my best Christmas memories.

was actually was just being on mushrooms, just fucked up, not understanding anything. My brother was trolling all of us. My brother, we started at one point, everyone was on mushrooms, and we're trying to,

my brother started reading the subtitles before the characters could read it. And then it just became five guys being like, and then we said, and then who could race to read the fucking subtitles faster. And then my brother was like explaining the plot. and he was like he said it was Jason Bateman

was in the movie which he wasn't but he said like the redhead guy was Jason Bateman and then he said yeah and then Denzel's son he's uh they're they're in a company called Omnichron he's just making up like what it feasibly could have been

because everyone else was his brain was so fried like oh really is Omnicron it was honestly the most fun being on mushrooms trying to understand that movie, one of your friends fucking with you. Elders, you got really fucked up, remember? Yeah, I got

like, I was tripping so hard, I got scared. Like, I remember, I remember at one point after like the crazy initial wave, it was like, three or four hours in, I was just on the couch, like, doing this with my toes for, like, two hours. It was like fucking, like a cat. I love the jingles.

Yeah, yeah. You definitely have bells on, but you could hear them. He was rubbing his feet literally like this. I was literally, like, cuddled up next to our friend Big P and fucking like just squeezing my like rubbing my feet together I don't want to meet the guy

We're like that you're like that's You're scared me now we were all scared He's eldest I don't want to meet the guy in your friend group Who has the name big in their name The The old guys would you like to watch Pennet

The anybody wants a Peer is the police files with a guy who can't see who's above the screen Yeah he just is in the movie Yeah, shout out to Tenon. Shout out to taking mushrooms and go into the fucking movies on Christmas. Dude, I was just about to say,

how disheartened would your parents be to be like my number one Christmas memory is being in my 30s with my friends tripping during a global pandemic. Yeah, that's what we'd call an indictment on their parenting. My best, like, last Christmas, I just went to go see Godzilla minus one

with Ben Rogers, the two of us on Christmas morning. And then I picked up Chinese food for myself and went home. And I was like, this is one of the best fucking Christmusts I've ever had. Fucking awesome, dude. Christmas movie is great. Christmas movie is wonderful. Shout out to the Jews for them.

The Jewish people have Christmas figured it out. 100%. Chinese food and a movie on Christmas. Like, I actually feel bad doing that now because I feel like I'm stealing Jewish culture. Yeah, yeah. Really do. Because they really nailed it. And now it's like, it's kind of like that's their they I should be with my family but they're you know I don't want to be

so I'm at the movie theater I mean the last one I was it was a um avatar oh hell yeah I was I went from like I was laughing I was like this movie's fucking stupid and then like when his son dies I literally started crying I'm bawling I'm I'm like no it's beautiful you love that I fucking love that I'm the only I'm gonna, I like to have a time. But it doesn't make me emotional. Did you see two or no? Yeah, I saw it in theater.

One, I didn't like when a verse came out. I mean, I was in college and I was kind of in my pretending to be a movie snob. I mean, I was pumped for it. Don't get me wrong. And I went with my brother and, you know, the first one came out, literally I was in college. And we were like, hell yeah, fucking James Cameron. This is going to be the fucking sickest action movie. And then me and my brother, it was just that moment we were like, this is kind of fucking stupid.

And every moment. And then when they finally fuck with the truth, like, they put their, tree pussies together. Like they put their fucking hair dicks in the tree pussy and then like fuck each other through that. We lost. We were just dying laughing. And now I will say the fight scenes were fucking sick as shit.

I wish I could have watched like a 40 minute just cut out all the talking. Yeah. And let me see all the fights. But the second one I watched on so many mushrooms that to me it's, again, one of the best movies. That's not I feel about all the new Star Wars. Everyone hates them. They're the best movies. Some of the best movies

ever seen in my life because I went so on acid, that it's a great experience. If you watch it sober, you will think they're bad. I will never do that. When I'm an adult, when I'm an adult, and the only way I should watch those movies is on acid. Way of the water came out, and I watched it on the Friday that it came out on edibles, and then went back on Saturday by myself,

ate a fucking eighth of mushrooms, and sat down with the glasses on. And the movie ended, and I go, I don't even know if I tripped. It's kind of hard to tell what you. I don't think I got there. When you're in a movie, you're like, am I tripping yet? And then it hits you, you're like, oh, I am now.

Let's be honest, who here went out for Paiacan, the mighty talcun? I'm still pissed. I lost out on that. I wanted to do the final race, but they cast me just for the motion capture. I'll put around on the ground. I'll put on the mocapsuit all the balls and just float around.

When the, when the subtitles from of the whale pops up on the screen, it's a moment where I... In like that weird font, the Cyprus font. I love that. I fucking loved it. I, like, I think a lot of of people turned on the movie then, but I fucking not.

No, what electrified for me is when they said she's a beautiful singer. Like when they were talking about Pyocon, as if they're her hobbies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Beautiful singer. I was like, oh, Mikeons a lady?

Pygons a woman. Is a Pycon? Maybe Pygons was talking about his, his girlfriend or something. Oh, yeah. Oh, no, no. If the Pygons' mom who died. The Mighty Talcun gets pussy.

I mean, they have to reproduce. It's got to happen. That's true. I wonder what their dicks look like. A few walls you could hit fucking a mighty time. You'd have to climb fully inside. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Swim up the canal.

Yeah, you'd have to... That's a dispersion of it, it sounds like. That's what I do anyway. I go feet first into women. Slide them up like a sleeping bag. To my feet are in their arms. I'm wearing her like feety pajamas

Still can't make her come Have you busted yet? Just hurry up and bust You should have taken your sneakers off What are some other Okay so what are How about we go It is Christmas season after all

What are some favorite Christmas memories As boys as men Either one I said my adult one. Yeah. I remember I asked for moon shoes,

which were the Nickelodeon bouncing shoes. Yeah, yeah. And my mom, I just didn't get them one Christmas. And then she, like, four years later, I was in,

I was like 13, 14. She's, I opened up a president and it was moon shoes. She's like, they're up in the attic. I forgot to give them to you like four years ago or whatever. Oh, wow. And I was like,

holy shit. And that's when you found out Santa wasn't real. I had way too late of a Santa isn't real. My mom, like I sat down with my mom. when I was like, in eighth grade. No. You have an older sibling.

I have an older sibling. I was like, but I was like, I was like, Santa's not, I think it was also, she was like, it's time for this kid to know. Come on, man. You're fucking 13. You have pubs. Once you have pubs, you should not believe in Santa anymore.

Absolutely. I would say much earlier than that. Yeah. That's why Italian and green kids learn it like nine. Yeah. I think I always believe in the spirit of Christmas is where, but I put on the, I put on the moon shoes

and I jumped once and the snaps just fucking broke. That's a little too on the nose. I gained like enough weight that it was just like would they have survived if you had gotten

on the table? Probably not. It probably would have been still it probably still would have snapped but it was like immediate and then I remember I doubled there's extra snap so I like doubled up the snaps

and I was like little fucking boats around. It is funny that gravity broke your moon shoes. Yeah. There's an irony there. I love that. Moon, she's just pretty good. We watch, we watch a Christmas,

I'll watch a Christmas movie with my mom and sister now. Like, which is now worse because it used to be the plus side of being in SAG as they give you like good DVDs and screeners and shit.

And now you've got to try to like log in with that six authentication apps on your mom's TV. And your mom doesn't even know how to turn her own TV on and off. That is another thing that always happens. The basement TV, she doesn't know how to turn it on. My mom,

My brother's, unfortunately, for them, live near my mom. Like, so she, like, leans on them so much. My mom called my brother one time and asked, how can I tell if my TV is on? I'm watching the news, but I can't tell. My brother's like, I don't even know what you are asking. Look at the TV. She's like, well, there's nothing on the screen.

He's like, so it's probably off. She goes, but it seems on. He's like, he hangs up with her and immediately calls. He's like, you're not going to believe. We have to 51-50. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We have to commit her tonight. Yeah, dude.

We watched Jackie, like the... That's a great Christmas movie. We watched the Jackie Onassis movie. And my mom was drunk and she kept being like, that's nothing like Jackie. She doesn't sound like her all. And at one point, I was like, Ma, shut the fuck up.

And then she cried. And that was the end of the fucking... I felt so bad. And I had to be like, no, Ma, I'm sorry. Did you finish the movie? No, should we stop the movie? It was a fucking nightmare. It was so bad.

But she kept every time Jackie was talking, she was like, that's not what she sounded like, this doesn't work. And I was like, I initially had to. It's a fucking movie. We know how you feel about people talking to her movie. Family or not, they're getting the fucking, they're getting hammered by the Mike Mitchell.

I love my mom. It was a very sad moment. That's your favorite Christmas memory. Yeah. That's a tough one. How does that end? You just get fucked up or? Yeah, like I would like, like, get so drunk you try and then pass out?

Yeah, basically. And then you wake up, you're like, I'm sorry, Mom. Yeah, we went upstairs and a lot. Because we do lobster rolls and clam chowder on Christmas night. Oh, shit. That's the most Boston shit ever. That's making my dick hard. That's an awesome move.

We try to do seven fishes on Christmas Eve. Seven fish is awesome. Yeah. We cop out a little, though, because we do a salmon, a lox and white fish bagel first thing in Christmas Eve. So that's bang out two fish that way. So it's a little bit of a cop. Yeah. I think, I like that.

I like stealing from, I love. like stealing the good shit from cultures. I might try and get seven fishes in the mix. Yeah, the most one thing I do is that I do seven fishes on Christmas Eve and then Chinese food and like I do Italian and Jewish, which is the only cultures I was raised around. What's the Greek? What is the Greek thing?

We don't really have, I mean... It's one of those things where like Greek Christmas is like December 26. It's like, they always have like Greek Easter. It's the day after your Easter. Yeah, well, Greek people actually like first of all, our Santa Claus is Saint Vasilios.

It's not St. Nick. It's St. Vasilios. Cardinal law, how to move around. No, no, no. Greek priests are the ones who don't fuck kids. Nice try, Catholic. I won't be fucking lectured by a Catholic about priest fucking children.

Thank you very much. You're thinking of the Greek army. You're thinking of the Greek. Philosophers, the Army. Every other type of Greek. Yeah, who we invented the steam room. Yeah, Greeks. Greeks had already gotten it out of their system by the time.

100% of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. When I'm organized. We got it out of our system when we were a young civilization. All the philosophers fucked boys to their hearts content. Look, maybe that makes you good at math. I don't know. I'm bad.

I'm bad at math. I'll never know. But, yes, and technically. Yeah, yeah. Here, look, four thousand years ago, you can. for kids, it was different. Yeah, I wasn't all woke back then. We didn't have a woke age of consent.

And so, St. Vasilio's is supposed to come on New Year's Day, actually. So Greek people in Greece. And my parents tried that a couple years. And then it was like, you're not beating American culture. Like, you got to give us our fucking presence. Do you talk about St. Nicholas the way, other religions talk about Jesus, like

he was an important man, he was a prophet. Yeah, no, no, for real. He's a different saint, he's a good saint. He was like some saint in, like, Asia Minor somewhere. He's like in Turkey or something. And, yeah, and, uh, but we're not but he didn't have, he didn't do shit with gifts. No, no, no, that was St. Vasilios.

The power of Christmas is super powerful. I grew up around a ton of Jewish people and I would say 50% of them got Christmas trees and Christmas presents. It's completely cultural. Because they were like, we could be secular Christmas celebrators. It's like, why not? I'm not religious at all. I'm not like, thank God, Jesus was born.

I think it's, it should go both ways. I want to sell, I want some potato lackeys and celebrate Hanukkah. It should go both ways. The Jewish people should invite me over. Yeah, but Hanukah sucks dick, though, too. It's not like a fun holiday. Yeah, no, they don't even care that much about it. They just kind of tried to, they were like, it just falls on the same, around the same time as Christmas.

So they tried to be like, well, we had, it'd be like, if your friend had a play stage, you're like, uh, uh, uh, I have an Atari. You know what I mean? It's like, no one fucking cares. Fuck you're stupid We get socks And like fucking Every religion is like We are completely different

And we are the one true religion Weirdly enough All our big holidays Are on the same day as yours And it's like Oh that also happens to be Around the Vernal Equinox Which is the pagan holiday

The longest night of the year It's always like everyone's like Yeah Christianity is real Why do we all do something On December 25th Mitch is getting upset Yeah Sorry

Mitch is texting his priest right now. I did love when you were going insane and like you were religious for like, you're like scared of ghosts and shit. And you're like praying to God. Mitch texts his priest. This priest is like, wait, we haven't done this in 25 years. Well, well, well, look who it is. Shall we say you?

You said you'd never call me after your eighth grade graduation. After I told you Santa wasn't real Rectory damn me or killed me I told you that I First of all when I was Santa They promised me to go to This is this is just completely off trap I just remember they promised me to go to that Foxborough

Game where the Patriots The Snow Bowl Who is they? Yeah who is they The elves When I was saying that they promised me It seems like you were absolutely

You sound absolutely like you got molested. When I was Santa Claus, they told me I could see Tom Brady playing. You promised me if I put the Santa Claus? This is so good while getting molested by his priest. He's like, he told me if I was a good boy and with the Santa suit and didn't tell nobody what we was doing, I could go see Tom Brady in the snow. Tom Brady's going to throw me a snowball and I'm going to catch it. I'm grung.

I caught a pass from Tom Brady We talked about that more But I went I kissed Tom Brady on the lips While he's getting a massage You dressed his son He tricked him You put on a little dinosaur

T-shirt I I caught a pass from Brady That well you got me all off track Who told you You could go see the Patriots The family The family I played Santa for

And then they pulled it out for Monterey They didn't give it to me Because the cousin wanted to go So I was so fucked up. I know it was so fucked up. And then it was like one of the best games of all time. But yeah, the,

their cardinal law was at my confirmation, the bad guy from Spotlight, which we talked about. The villain from Spotlight was in your confirmation. It was there. The arch molester. That's insane. Did you get a credit in Spotlight?

That special thing. Yeah. Story. Story credits. Every kid that got molested, got a story credit. Also, don't look up the Quincy Mayors' thoughts on the Catholic priest's scandal. Don't look it up.

That's all I'll say. Don't look it up. And then when I got what I got what I got what was long COVID, which I don't know how many of you who was believe in it or not. But I got long COVID and I was, I had vertigo and I thought I was insane. And I bought Holy Water online from Amazon. From Amazon. That's the craziest specific I've ever heard. It's incredible.

And it stained your wall. It stained my wall from the river, Jordan. My friend, my childhood friend was out there. That sounds like an explanation after the fact. It's stained the wall. It's stained the wall. It's stains all over my wall. It's from Holy Water.

But the moment that I knew I was... Jordanian Riverwater turns up under Blacklight. And I guess I was drinking out of it, too. And they say, actually, if you use Holy Water, your DNA is in it. They told me if I did the DNA. and the holy water, I can go to the Red Sox game. I can meet the green monster. I knew

it was going to be me who got fucking, I knew what's going to happen at some point. I was, I was blessing my house. I got two bottles of holy water. I was blessing my house. You got backup. Back up Holy Water. I got back up. In case one of the Amazon Holy Waters was a sham.

There was actually two different. I think one was like Amazon Holy Water. The other one was. The other one was Perklans. It's all. She's like, Holy Water. they have priests in there they're not allowed to take a bathroom break

until they bless all the fucking water priest wearing diapers blessing holy water that's where they moved in the warehouse Cardinal I was like you gotta go to fucking Amazon warehouse so like a strike

but I was blessing it and when I realized I was crazy was when I was outside my house blessing it and my neighbor saw me blessing my house and I was like oh you fucking have lost your mind

there's nothing like a brief moment of realizing you're being observed to undo everything you're doing. You're like, my energy is off. I can just see it in the other person's eyes that I've got to get my shit together. And by the way, like, Greek people get priests to come and, like, bless their house all the time.

Like, if you had a priest do it, I would have been like, that's stupid, but whatever. Buying it from Amazon is just like, this is definitely not. It's to me stupider than believing in it. You know what I mean? It's already stupid to believe in it in my book. And then they go one below it and order it off Amazon

I do believe in it and I also believe this will help. My Amazon, a Book of the Dead, like a flesh-bound book that I'm reading from. I was trying everything I could. I was fucking... You're a task rabbit, hope a priest is on task rabbit? I drove by the murderer house.

I was dating my neighbor. I was dating your neighbor, you said? I was dating my neighbor. This is the truth. This is new lore. I was dating my neighbor. You could see into her bedroom from my kitchen window.

That's how you met. She saw you with binoculars. You had to pretend. You had to pretend you were in love You're like, no, no, no, no, no, please. Don't call the cops. And then you're a romance. You're fine, I don't teach you.

Yeah. I didn't know what? You got a fucking telescope looking at her fucking tits through your kitchen window. We're exclusive. You're my girl. You know a fucking paper airplane says you're my girlfriend now. Like Wiley Coyote is a sign. You're my girlfriend.

She, uh, you could see direct. You didn't need a. telescope. It was so close. I wasn't spying in her window, to be clear. Ever, ever, ever. I mean, the laziest thing I've ever heard is just to start dating a neighbor.

That is like the most like... That is a fat guy. That is spiritually fat. Come over here. Have I sit on your porch with like a fucking hoagie? Come on her. Somebody left my jersey bikes on your stoop. Can you bring it over here and give me head, please? That was your meat cute.

M-E-A-T? you got ribbys delivered and they actually send them to her fucking house do me a favor of Mr. Postmates driver can you put this with a heart on it in my neighbor's house? I actually went over there and I did not

I knocked on her door because I needed to put a ladder in the alley and I knocked her door and it was very pretty lady and I was like I was like hey I put a ladder in her alley

but that's not some innuendo because the telescope and I'm going to put a step ladder in her alley I had to change the batteries on all the fucking listening devices I had in her house I didn't change the battery on the microcams

I think the hard drive on your toilet can is full Hey can I just put it some more RAM Can I hand an external hard drive To my toilet can There's actors like that but that's not me There's plenty who do shit like that But I'm not one of them

But I was like hey And I was like can I get your landlord's number And she's yeah I'll give it to you And then she's like, what's your number? She took my number. And then we started talking in that. Oh, fine. She said that I didn't pick up on, like, her, she was like, like,

how's your Christmas neighbor? And I was like, it's good. And she was like, I was trying to, like, hang out with you when you didn't get it. And then we hung out later. And we just, like, I said, how's your Christmas? Because I saw that you were sitting in front of your Christmas tree, jerking off time. Oh, how's your Christmas?

Mitch is yelling at ghosts. Be on, spirit, be gone. Yeah, you think it's Jacob Marley. Yeah. I didn't learn a single lesson. They're just all gone. But she, we went, we drove by this murder house in, in, in, in, in, in, in Losephilis. And, and, she was, she was, she was, she went away to go up to Northern California to a weed farm.

And then, uh, I, and I was alone. She now has moved to. She's not my name already more. She's gone. But, uh, I, and I, and I, still your girlfriend? No, she's not. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. So, I, yeah. Did she move or break up? Did you guys break up? Did you guys break up? Did you guys break up and then she moved. Yeah, you know, you're going to be like,

am I going to live next to my ex-boy? Yeah, that was complicated. He's still got that fucking ladder out there? I'm worried, I don't even need to be on that thing. I don't look at the package. Let me see, what the fuck? And there's a bunch of rope that broke next to it. There's a bunch of nooses that broke in half.

Going to Home Depot be like, what hell's around like $3.20? I went to see him on the phone with Home Depot's customer service. You said it was rated for up to 3.5. I want a full refund That's just like when you come to my house I have a sex swing on the floor and four holes in the ceiling I'm waiting for my new girlfriend to move into that place wherever she is

You buy it and become the landlord Send a headshot with credit score Looking for curvy podcast nerd You're going to get the wrong people with that You're going to get us So we drove by the murder house

And then she went after the road to California So I was also just alone And I watched a documentary And they were like After I went to the house My lights started going off And then my motion lights started to go off And I got vertigo

And then there was a weird thing On my security camera Where I thought I heard it go I heard about this I thought I heard to go say yes And breathe Turns out that it was The yes was

This is Sports Center And I was fast for him His buddy What stayed with him Watched what he thought Was ghost footage And he thought it was scary He did think it was scary

And I had vertigo I'd never dealt with shit like that before And I was like You were losing your mind I was losing my mind It was crazy And then and then All that shit went away luckily

But it was fucking terrified I've never had that I am I've never lost my mind I am the most cowardly of the three big boys here I don't know about that I'm pretty cowardly

Yeah I don't know about that Zach's a bit of a But not we're all cowards In our own ways Yeah I'm not afraid of any supernatural shit

But other stuff But like birds Yeah I don't fuck with birds either actually Yeah I don't trust them They're fucked up Unpredictable

No dude Yeah like little dinosaurs Vietnamese people I don't think I don't think cowardly is the word I'm not scared I don't think cowardly is the word I'm not scared of supernatural stuff

or like It does feel different when you say that We're in the USA Santa Yeah Yeah Yeah As long as they come here correctly I'm okay with that

As long as they come to the North Pole legally I am afraid of the other people who bought that Santa Suh That's a fucking baller Santa suit My cowardly thing is I'm always afraid To be in somebody else's way I think it's like a whole

Like a fact kid thing It's a bad one to have as a big guy Yeah no I feel like I'm constantly It activates my claustrophobia That I feel like I'm in somebody's weight Like I like at restaurants I'm just like sucked in standing against the wall So like a guy with a tray

I'm not in anybody I like that's my big it And that's a real bitch move to be like everyone else is, like, confidence, like, this is my space. I'm like, no, I love it. Excuse me. I'm the same way. I literally work out so I can keep my legs together when I'm sitting in theater. And I'm basketball teams.

Because, yeah, you all three of you almost went to a Knicks game together. And I was wondering what kind of knee on knee burn you would have. I said to Zach, I was like, I'm going to put my arm around you at the next game, which I did do quite a bit. And it's easier. It's crazy because I've been like that too. Freeze up space. Where like when you're, because you're, it's not like. like we're all gut guys, we're also shoulder guys.

So it's like, when you're sitting next to each other, you're kind of got to be like, this is actually the most comfortable way for me. A double, a double like arm around. You're taking turns, putting your arms around. If I go on a date with a woman, I'll tell her that. I'm like, if I put my arm around you, it's not me trying to make a move. Like, I don't have space to put my arm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I put my arm around.

The same reason, I'm grabbing your tits, by the way. If I have fat hands, I need something to hold on to. It's a medical, it's a medical issue. If I put my arm around you, you can suck on my tit. You know, John, you said a restaurant, and we have to go eat at one. So we should probably do some questions from our audience. Oh, yeah, good thinking.

Even though I am having a wonderful time chatting with the fellas. They're going to see us walk in. They're going to be like, oh, fuck. Puss out the old 76 or. You just hear like, the fucking Anton cigar machine to. We'll take it old. But now old Bessie. It's a mess.

Scott, he's mascot they've had for years. Hit us with a question here, little eldest. Hey, what's up, Scott? Whatever guest do you have on? They've been watching the show and you stand up for a while. So I've managed to get a bunch of my girlfriend's friends to hate me after being falsely accused of cheating. So I went to my girlfriend's best friend's destination wedding. Okay.

We were at the after party and I was just chilling at the open bar. And I started having a good conversation with a pretty attractive girl who was the bride's cousin. I didn't make a pass at her. I even let her use my phone to call her boyfriend. My girlfriend took notice of us talking after like 20 minutes, and she made a scene about it. But we made up and that was that. Come to find out that after we get home from this wedding that multiple people apparently saw us go into a bathroom together. I had no idea what they were talking about

and the girl herself completely denied anything happening I thought about it for a couple weeks and remember that we both walked to separate bathrooms and she couldn't find the light switch so I legitimately walked in with the door open for all about five seconds which was apparently enough for people to notice so all of her friends in this wedding spread this rumor

that I definitely cheated even after the girl denied it. And now they won't stop slandering me. A lot of the girls are hair dressers, so now it's become like town gossip. And now after saying the white's the worst community to piss off. Oh, yeah. I lied about not being in the bathroom, which is completely untrue. I just didn't remember because it was such an insignificant moment, which I previously explained to her and her husband, but apparently in their mind, I lied. So that's nice. So now all these people dislike me for something I 100% did not do

and I have no idea how to navigate this because I'm so pissed off that they are assaulting my character when cheating is so against who I am and I want to stand up for myself and I have no problem with confrontation but I don't know how I should do it and this whole thing is affecting my girlfriend's

friendships which I feel really terrible about so should I just let it rock because my girlfriend knows I didn't do it should I tell these people off like I really want to you know gossip usually doesn't affect me but being called a line cheaters is striking a nerve man I don't know

any appreciate it any input appreciated thanks I feel a little bit like this guy needs us to co-sign him and then he can like play it he's like I was even on the Stobby podcast they agreed like he said they verify he also agreed I didn't cheat

I think he's going to be less pissed off is my first he's so pissed off I mean of course he would be pissed off but even just like he's like, my fucking character. I know. It's possible, I believe he maybe didn't do it, but he's talking about it exactly like someone who did do it at the whole point.

When he said, as I previously already told her and her husband, that's very like I got caught style language. So maybe you just need to get a for. People saw us going to the bathroom together and I didn't know what the fuck they were talking about. Then I remembered that we did go into the bathroom together. What? Was that last one?

Even for us, we were like, wait a second. You went to the bathroom? That's fucking weird. So, dude, yeah, here are your two options. Either. I like, I love that advice where it's like, just act, but cooler, like, someone to accuse you or something you didn't do. These are dumb, who cares what these dumb bitches think?

These fucking dumb fucking hairstylist who gives a fuck? Tell them to, you could be like, I didn't do that, whatever. If his girl, like, if his girlfriend believes him, totally. That is what matters. That also is maybe, not to say, like, and have to do all the emotional work here. But that might be a little bit of her job

to kind of say to her friends, hey, I don't think he cheated. I'm staying with him. Can you stop rattling it off at the fucking salon? Yeah, you either do that or everybody thinks you fucking cheated anyway. Just cheat. Just cheat. And that way you're even.

And that way you can live. And then you could blame them if you get caught. Be like, you did this. And you let the girl use your phone so you have her boyfriend's numbers. You can get in touch with her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You should tell this girl, you should be like, listen, tell everyone I didn't cheat or I'm going to fucking pretend we did.

I did fuck you. And I'm going to tell your husband, you fucking, you fucking whore. If you don't back me up at some point, I'm going to just say, you're right, I did. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Take her down with you. Be a kamikaze. She agrees with him.

She says that they did it. That's what's, I would say he cheated with all the hairdresser. Yeah, yeah, he fucked the hairdressers. Here's the issue. If you go to so far as to be like, I'm getting a lie detector test. people will then think you are cheating like there's no real way to win it I guess no you got to just kind of do

like the politics and thing and that comedians also do you just start ignoring it and never speak to it never give it any oxygen and just live your fucking life with everyone thinking like didn't you date a high school girl

and so I just keep moving Is that a specific thing but not for just one comment Yeah are we talking about the word who just dated him or the one who kind of had a weird cult of high school girls? He was texting. There's a couple.

There's a few. I'm friends with like three of them. Yeah. I wonder how much more of this story. He's like, they started to go in the bathroom. And then also they saw us kissing and I did remember that that happened. And I was giving him out to mouth. A stand-up hymline.

Yeah. A stand-up off the ball. She didn't know where the light switch was, so I put my tongue to the back of her tooth. I remembered. I had given another guy my belt, so my pants wore down because I was trying to to be a nice guy. It's like a Rube Goldberg hookup.

But there is something to if everybody, like it's that episode of Sopranos where everybody thinks Tony got hooked up with Adriana. And he,

and he just like, you know what? I can't clear my name. I'm just going to act like I, I'm just going to act like I did it and I'm telling everybody to fuck off and get over it.

And I think at a certain point you have to just be. It was horrible. I think it was, it didn't work out well for him in the show. But, But it's also like the only, that's the only move you have.

Yeah, you're right. I mean, it wasn't good. And also, who are we kidding? He would have fucked her. Yeah, 100%. Like, he would have, they just got in a car accident or else he would have 100% fucked her. That was so clearly what was happening.

This ends with this guy, like, you know, this guy ends with him suffocating his nephew in a car wreck. Oh, yeah. Take those air dress on a nice long drive, get in a car accident, and just hold their fucking nose is shut. Yeah, introduce them the Joey pants. But I just think, like, you either have to let this go or act as someone who cheat.

Like, if you did cheat, would you be this mad and indignant or would you just want to let this go away? Yeah. You'd probably just want to try and let this go away. So just, you've been dealt this hand. Who gives a fuck? Keep it pushing. Maybe your girlfriend wouldn't be friends with these people.

And also, like, you know, maybe consider move. You and your girlfriend from, you know, not to be, not to take too much from your cadence, but it feels like you've never left your hometown. So maybe move somewhere else with this girlfriend that you love. You don't have to be, you know, where Gabris went to high school your whole life. I definitely played lacrosse with this guy. This guy played D2 lacrosse and is a MTA cop.

Different psych test. What else we got, Big Elves? Hi, Stav. I don't want to say my name, but I am such a big fan of yours. I just saw your photo at the Venice Film Festival and it looked so cute and I'm so proud of you. Thank you. But my question today is about one of my best friends, with me each other since middle school, we're both in our late 20s.

And within the last like three years, one of the only things she like invites me to do is to go spend time at her boyfriend's mom's place. and the first couple times like one was for a Christmas party it's like whatever you know mom's at a pool it is Christmas after all to think about this mom is like she has offered me

fucking cocaine before and that just really makes me uncomfortable when a person who my parents age if not a little bit older is like still doing cocaine she does it with my friend and this woman

she moved out of that house and now lives in the apartment complex And my friend's like, oh, yeah, she's got a nice pool. It's like a good place to drink and have beers. And I'm like, dude, we're in our late 20s. Like, I feel like we should so be going out and like doing fun shit and not hanging out with a bunch of middle-aged people. Like, I'd rather spend time with my parents. So my question is, like, am I a bitch for like saying that to her?

Or is that reasonable? like it's not my fucking boyfriend's mom and I would never ask that of her crazy um you know in the reverse so I don't know let me know what you think Stav oh also hi eldest and high guest okay bye bye yeah I mean this is fucking insane yeah it's wild this the whole thing

was for me finding out that the girl does do the other her friend does coke with her boyfriend's mom yeah with her mother-in-law with her like yeah Imagine that he acted up with your in-laws? That seems like a fucking nightmare. I mean, this is either the weirdest, most fucked-up call. Like, this girl is, like, about to get, like, sexed into some weird middle-aged, like, poly community. Yes.

It felt a little like that for me. Or it's the exact opposite, and it's like, she is going to marry this guy, and she literally loves her mother-in-law to the point where, and they're both dirtbags. They're like... Yeah, it sounds like they're both, like, a little bit of party chicks. Like, we can go hang out by their complex pool. And we live in L.A. You know what a complex bull vibe is. It's crazy.

Imagine going out there with like some friends and drinking with all and like opening that up to all your neighbors. And being like 50, being like 48. Yeah. And being like fucking like with your daughter and getting doing cocaine. Like that's nuts, dude. She's right, right? Like that is weird. I think it's weird for sure.

But I also like if she doesn't want to if you don't. One thing you have to learn by your late 20s is if you don't want to do something. You don't have to do it. You don't have to anymore. 100%. My question, she said the only thing she invites me to is this.

Does her friend do other things and just not include you? Like, are you her, do Coke with my boyfriend's mom friend? Right, right. She's going to theme parks every other night and not inviting her and doing all this cool fun shit.

If that's all she's doing and she's inviting you, that's less weird to me. Right. Because then it's like, oh, she wants to see you and all she's doing is doing Coke by the pool. That's kind of how I read it, but I know what you're saying.

If she's doing other stuff and you're just that friend. Yeah, you've been relegated to that friend. She's like rich boat friends that she's always going anywhere. And then like her, she's like, what about me? And you're like,

well, you can come over to my mom's house and do coke in the complex. We can go to the laundry room and cut up a line on top of the dryer. We know this trick where we get the quarters out. We do laundry for free. If your principal ejects really fast, you get her back.

You got to be quick. You know what? I'll take a bullet for you. I'll go hang out with them. You don't have to go anymore. Just let me know. what the deal is. By the way,

I'm 100% down to go hang out with a bunch of middle-aged co-cats in a apartment pool complex. That is my mind.

I would show up to. I'll fuck whoever you need me to. Honestly, if there's a, we kind of exactly are in the age range where it's like

if there's a party where they have like trashy late 40s, early 50s, and then like weird 28-year-olds, I'm like,

I'm good either way, brother. Those are my two types. Sign me the fuck up. Drunk 50-year-olds and weird 28-year-olds. That's my fucking spectrum right there. But, yes, I think, like, that's a good point. Like, I read it as her friend is just weirdly...

You meet these people that sometimes kind of, like, only hang out with their significant others. Yeah. It feels like she's done that in a very weird way. Yeah. We're like, like, so her boyfriend does coke with his mom on the regular? There's also a weird detail in there where she's like, we used to go to her house

which may be like a house could be a party scene but then when she's like she just moved into an apartment complex you wonder she gets like a divorce from the bed sick art's going bad

are they losing all their money on coal like she got cocaine all the time she just moved from a house to an apartment complex easier up key yeah if the house is halfway between what and what

oh I don't know they just call it the halfway house I got offered me coke this weekend it was at a bar this weekend I was out and it was you offer me coke at six in the morning

Well, you were at a bar at 6 in the morning. I was at a bar at 6 in the morning. He's like absolutely... I mean, I guess that he's asking for it. He's assuming you already did it. But I was like, I'm 43 years old and at 6 in the morning. And like you've said before, like, you don't see a lot of fat guys. Isn't there 40s who do coke?

No, you can't do coke if you're a fat comedian. It literally kills you eventually. I literally, when I turned 30, I was like, no more cocaine. Yeah. If I lose weight, I can do cocaine again. It's be fat or do cocaine. That's scary. That's scary. I don't need an extender on the airplane

I can do coke again which I have to undo my Santa belt which is fucking pathetic The Santa belts are too tight It's a bad sign The idea of like a weird training montage Where when finally Stavi like gets on the scale And it says like 240

And he just leaves out glass around It's like I'm the tiger Sorry this is just because of my shoulder I would say also I have friends who like ask me to do things I don't really want to do and I'll usually do like a once a year

This podcast If you still want to be Yeah it's this yeah right You want dress up a Santa new podcast Yeah Thank God you're only doing these once a year Santa Monica But if you still want that person in your life

You can throw them a once a year bone And just kind of say no all the other times And also you can just you can invite her to not weird shit yeah you like the onus comes on you a little bit now you're like oh I don't really or I'm busy why don't we fucking go get brunch tomorrow like just literally bring my mom

yeah yeah yeah yeah bring my mother-in-law I am fascinated by this dynamic yeah I would love to know more about it hang with the mom thing I had no problem with I thought that was pretty well of course not yeah no shit you and your mom do coke together no my mom my no we've never done we have never done coke before she was

she's a million miles away from any sort of even weed I don't think she ever smoked weed But the Coke thing with your mom is fucking bizarre That is bizarre shit Yeah, but hang out with her every day That's kind of your speed Bought in a house And then moving back in with her for 40 days

Every holiday season Yeah, that's more tuck you in Yeah From Christmas till Valentine From Thanksgiving to Valentine's Day I was about to say You don't know what it's like When your dad dies and you

I actually do That is actually one of the few things You got your ass, Mitch your weird mommy bullshit he can fucking call you on it because his dad also died the reason I'm so easy it's so easy for me to be mean to Mitch

is because I just move from self-deprecating to deprecating I'm like what do I say to myself whatever the opposite of affirmations are this is a fight club scenario I just say in the morning I just say him to Mitch instead of my mirror

I guess I'm your Edward Nurt Nurtt Edward Norton I'm your Edward Norton Edward Norton. Edward Norton. That was our other fat idea. The Zepbound for your fat Irish heads.

You got to shrink big Irish heads. Your new nickname, they're calling you Guardian Cap, right? Oh, fuck. Anyway, whatever. Fucking invite this bitch to go for a walk or whatever. next question eldest it's weird that's weird it's fucking weird

yo what's up I'm currently taking a shit in the bathroom at work nice dude I just want to know you look like Mr. Lunt from Veggie Tales

but anyway I got a Vegitails reference that's kind of tearing the friend group apart it's kind of funny we were doing we were doing a

bachelor party for one of my buddies He's, um, we're all floating in the lake up north and, uh, one of my friends asked, one of my other friends who's not very, um, athletic to throw him, uh, his $300 pair of sunglasses. So he, uh, throws them and he missed his wide left, sinks to the bottom of the lake. Oh, shit. And, um, so now. my friend whose sunglasses they were

is demanding that my other friend pays for his $300 pair of that. No, whack. Just wipe and wrap this story up, bud. Yeah. Sounds like he's eating, too. When the water's like, well, if I'm on the book. This is it, right?

There's nothing else. This guy's, yeah, we can, this is ridiculous. Imagine me the other person's shitting in that bathroom. Just hearing this guy's fucking jubing. Grown on. Yeah. Yeah. Man.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Playing a fucking didgery do. No, Roos. Spoiler alert. There was a F slur. Okay.

Thank you for allowing the call through, Eldis. A very simple, a very simple answer where the guy says a slur. I was like, yep, that'll do it. You're excellent producing yet again. Perfect Christmas call. I'll tell you what this person should do. It's, if the guy who threw the glasses in the lake offers to buy him a new pair, he can say yes. If you ask someone to throw you your glasses, you are the left.

you are the level of wealth. You are the level of wealth that you're saying, throw me my $300 glasses, I'm in the lake. And if that guy fucks up, that is on you, bro. 100%. You cannot ask that guy to pay. The guy has no case whatsoever to ask for new glasses. It's completely on you to be like,

and he's probably not even at the level of wealth. If he's friends with this guy, he's probably fucking stupid. Yeah. So it's just like... For those guys who has like a car lease that's like taking him down financially. 100%. And he has like $350 polarized,

Oakley's that he wears when he works in Geek Squad. It's your fault. They didn't land on my face. Yeah, I mean this is one of the stupidest requests I could possibly think of. You are being careless with your expensive thing. It's on you. It's over.

And I don't even know how close they are as friends. Totally. It seems like none of these guys are very close as friends. Yeah, yeah. Imagine your life is so boring that one of your friends throws another friend's sunglasses in the lake and you're like, I finally have a reason to call Stavi.

This is the craziest thing that's ever happened to me. This is like this, they're like, this has sparked a debate in their friend group. He's like, it's tearing the friend group apart. It's like, how were there even opposing sides to this? How fucking stupid are you guys? I'm nervous

shit talking to this guy because I do feel like he's going to go up to random Santas and be like, I heard you talking shit. Yeah, a guy at the fucking fuck, Salvation Army is going to get cold cocked because of us, You guys gave me the wrong advice, pop.

I wonder if the sunglasses guy is like the rich guy who invites people to shit. Because often rich guys are the ones who are that dickish about their expensive shit. Bro, my richest friends are the guys who are like, can I have $20 for the valet and never remember. And my brokest friends are the ones who are like, I got this dinner. And so that might be why there is even any debate. Yeah. Because everyone's like, I got to hang out. He has the boat.

You know, like he's got the lake house. You know how many couches people have asked me to pay for because I sit on them and they fold in half? Brother, straight up, I was going to say, I broke Ben Rogers' couch one time. I broke my friend Ben's couch. I was like, I'll buy him a new one. I was like, I'll buy you a new one.

He's like, we'll go to IKEA. And I went, we went to IKEA and I bought him like a $300 couch. We fucking moved it back into his house together. I was like, this is fucking embarrassing. Already so embarrassing. He's like, okay, yeah, I'll take you up on it. Yeah, yeah.

But I did offer. He didn't say. He's never had to worry about weight. He's a guy who's never inviting any of us over. He's like signing a waiver for your couch. There's no, you don't get to. In for a penny, in for a half. In for a penny, in for 308 pounds.

No, I literally broke. The best shape of my life the last 10 years, I'm 308 pounds. I'd be too heavy to wrestle as a super heavy weight. I remember when we shot the birthday boys, this sketch show that I did because a lot of people have no idea what that means, but they got a world. Sounds like a different themed

Porno you were in Instead of Santa this guy This is the Christmas boys Eating cake and fucking each other in the ass With a little 40 hats Blow out the candle He's talking about his dick I guess I'm

Lowercase I years old I was a sketcho They bought a They bought a they had they were like We have a vintage It's known as like The top six funniest

IFC sketch shows. Always on, slightly off. It was a vintage army cot. They were like, we got a vintage army car for this army skit. And they were like, we just got to return it. Like, be careful with it. And I laid in it. It was like,

right to the fucking ground. It sucked. So bad. And she was like, it's fine. You can tell that it was like awful news. It fucking sucks. When I hosted a game show on the, first day there, I broke two different chairs and one of them was a barber chair. Like the huge fucking red base,

I got on it just creak! The thing just bent underneath it and I fucking tipped over. And the other chair I sat in at lunch and all four legs just played out. They all... You're bending steel and it sucks. That's a real tough one, man. The sunglasses thing reminds me too.

My buddy, Justin Tyler, a mutual friend of ours, his mom has a lake house. We used to jump off this cliff and we would take bowl rips, hold it in, jump off the cliff, hit the water, come out, and breathe it out.

It was like this like challenge we would do. Oh, yeah, brother. Yeah, it was so sick. Legalize it, maybe. I'm talking about this like it was, like it wasn't eight years ago or something. I wasn't 36 when I did it. I'm talking about it like I was a teenager.

But the guy who went last would either have to jump with the lighter in the ball. And then this Justin's brother went last. He's like, we're all in a boat waiting for him to jump off. And we're like, fuck it, throw it. He throws a lighter off like this 50-foot cliff, and it goes directly into one guy's hand. And we were like, that's fucking awesome.

Then he turns, throws the ball and misses us by like 70 feet. It goes immediately in the water and sinks. And we were like, the lighter was something we could get again. And like, we were always like, we were so cocky after the lighter. He's like, got it. The next one was sailed over on that. We were like, oh, fuck. It's a different way.

Fuck your dumb-ass friend That's crazy to ask for the glasses He's a fucking idiot He's like rolling calls on the toilet He's like hey doe boys I'm just Bringing things Got all his same contacts

Or all podcast calling numbers Child Protective Services I'm gonna see him this weekend Right You kids are so tired of the fucking Sunglass story What else you got for us, Elders? You think you could possibly top that question?

Hey, Elvis. Hey, guest. First time, long time. I'm seeking your professional counsel on something that's really bugging me. So, long story short, I have this bullshit corporate job where basically we work in teams of two on projects and do a bunch of reports and powerpoints and stuff like. that. Like, it's kind of funny. It's kind of silly. But the problem is I've been working with a coworker, of course, who, like, routinely is just, like, just not working for most half days. So, like, on Monday or Tuesday, they'll come in, and then they'll just stop working

around, like, 11 o'clock. Or it's, like, new. Respect. Which is really fine with. But that means on this project work, I'm not the one who has to do all of it. And, like, I got a little curious about this, so I decided to do some investigating, and it turns out that this person is both a prolific, erotic, high fantasy novel author and a Ph.D. student. So clearly they have other shit going on. Right. My question for you is, what do I do about this? Typically, I'm all in favor of time theft at work, but not to the detriment of other people. and currently I'm on the receiving end of it

I mean should I ask them for tips as to like how the better steal time from our job it's just like not really sustainable I don't know what to do man give me some help thanks sounds like you're tough because I'm immediately on the guy's side

who's got six other things going on and phoning in at this job that's like what I do professionally you've learned You care, and that's your biggest mistake. You give a fuck about this stupid fucking job. He said it's some dumb corporate job, right? Yeah, it's silly. Pretty funny, pretty silly.

Yeah, said pretty funny, pretty silly. Yeah, so like... Is he work at IFC? They're relaunching there. I'm putting together the DVD of the birthday boy sketches. And this guy... We're trying to get mixed to fit into a square format instead of widescreen.

I mean, yeah, I don't, the thing is you, he's just got you by the ball. She, we don't know who your coworker is, but they have basically identified you as a bitch that they can take advantage of. And now you decide how you play that because you can snitch, right? Yeah.

That's not going to get you anywhere. Snitching never works. Or you could just be like, all right, well, why don't I just also not? not do anything and see what happens. Well, he said, should I ask them for tips? Yeah, team up with them to do even less together. Yeah, together to find a way to not even do what you were doing.

Yeah, I would say there's, I, that would be my move. But if you really care about this job, which is like a you problem, maybe you just reach out to them and go like, look, I'm not saying you got to fucking strap in and go hard here. But if you did these two more things a week, it would save my ass. Just give them something actionable Just say like, look, I know I don't want to fucking do work either But if you did this, if you just

Did this extra X amount of things I need My life would be much easier Yeah, you could have a conversation Yeah, and I think that's the only move If you talk to a boss about it, that you're whack Oh, you're fake Yeah, yeah It's also your fuck is we've all, I'm guessing

I've 100% been this guy Oh yeah The thing is you're not gonna beat him because Or her because she'll lose They'll lose the job. They don't give a fuck Yeah, I had a full-time job and I would show up at 11 and leave at 2.

Yeah. I did two at one point. Yeah, it's fucking awesome. I was a PA at Best Week Ever and everyone got promoted over me because I was such a piece of shit. Such a bad employee. Just watch everyone else who started after me just keep getting promoted. I was like, I think it's time for me to quit.

When I was in The Simpsons, there was a lies. I worked with this woman Eliza, Hooper, great person. And I was going out to do auditions and shit. And you would know when you were being a pain in the ass and you'd have an open conversation. and she would be like, you're being fucking annoying. You know what I mean? You need to have a better relationship with that person

and tell them that they're being annoying. Yeah, I think that's the best you could hope for because also for them, that might even clarify it further. If I knew my coworkers would get off my dick if I did a couple things, I would just do those fast. Right, that's what I'm saying. It wouldn't be a huge ass because slackers would love to hear like, hey, if you do these two things every week, I'll never bother you.

By the way, their response is going to be like, yeah, fuck, I know. Like, they're not going to push back. They're going to know that they're fucking up. It's 100%. Also, by the way, I'm pissed off Santa. They never give you pockets in Santa pants. Do you notice that? It's fucking annoying.

He doesn't need pockets. He has the magic bag. I know, but for a fat guy with a phone or something or anything, you don't have the eyes. So you can't put your hand in your pocket while you have a kid on your lap. It's a bad look. That's true. That's a real bad look. You can napoleon yourself a little bit. We got to go rodeo grip.

Yeah, dude, you know, whatever. Unfortunately, this person has all the leverage here. Yeah. Because you care about the job. They work at the Mayo Clinic as neurologist. It's pretty silly, kind of funny. Seeing people be crazy, I guess. We have to work in pairs because I'm the anesthesiologist.

They're doing this surgery. He really just phones in the anesthesia. Just punches him in the fucking head. I don't want to do it. Just waking back up. You got a big mallet. I had that happen to me in a dream. You know how I watched so many action movies?

You see, like, they always just knock the guy out with like one, like one butt of the gun or like one chokehold takes him out. And then they're out for narratively as long as they need to be. I had a dream that I couldn't. I was supposed to knock this guy out on a mission. And he like wouldn't. And he was like on the ground. And I'm on top.

of him and I'm like punching him in the face and he's like stop and I'm like just get knocked out and it's like so sad and I'm like upset in the dream that I'm just hitting this guy in the face in the head and he's like what are you doing I'm like I need to knock you out they're like

I think that can only be able to as bullies remorse it's like a bully's nightmare Mitch had the same dream in reverse stop hitting me cardinal law let's I'm entering the dream world again. It's been a while because of the CPAP machine.

You're dreaming. The part of my dream brain is like it hasn't done anything for a long time. Yeah, I killed that with cannabis. I got to get that back. Yeah. I got to try taking a day off weed for a lot of reasons. Yeah, yeah. Requested by my doctor and lawyer.

I took one week off and didn't eat a fourth meal four days in a row. It was the best I've ever felt. And I'm like, well, I didn't want to know that weed was. hurting me, so I'm going to just smoke until I forget that. Literally, two days ago, I was like, I can smoke a little weed, destroyed L progress. And all I had was healthy

shit, so I ate like three, I like cut up protein bars with like cereal and like made a fat meal out of, and I didn't have peanut butter, so I had like PB powder and I, I rehydrated it to make a shitty peanut butter. So I had like a spread. It was just like

Fat McGiver shit, you know? Dude, I put sunflower seed butter on a Yaso yogurt bar. I was like, I got, I figured it out. It's like, it's the best I can do with the healthy shit in my cabinets. When you take low-calorie, like, I'll take low-calorie ice cream and just put so much shit in it. It's just Ben-N-Jerrys.

It's just shitty Ben-N jerry. I did like, like, the fake ice cream with mashed-in, like, protein cookies. Like, you're just like all the dumb shit you have in your cabinet. Fucking just chemicals. I went to Mumba's tutte, had a chicken cutlet sub, a square slice, and then I went to Linde's and I got a slice of cheese pizza, and then I went and got a canola. at Rock those. God damn, boy. And then we're going to have a steak dinner.

That's insane. I know. I'm fucking disgusting. And you also found time to get ham-flavored potato chips. That is also true. Ham-flavored and ketchup flavored potato chips. Those are pretty good.

And you did all this with insane gout, I can see. Rock-hard crystal feet. I'm going to just wear these things with shoes now. Your feet also jingle like eldest is when it's crystals. It's your fucking smashed up

ankle bones. else you got some fun for us to go out on little buddy yeah uh we got an update remember from the dan soda in vecchioan episode the woman who called in she brought her best friend to her boyfriend's like big family reunion yes and she fucked her best friend like fucked some guy

made a bunch of people like watch her baby while she went off she was getting dick and also like just got enough fight with people at this thing yes yes so yeah cliff notes our caller brought her friend to a family reunion for some reason fucked some guy's boyfriend

and like was a terror I mean it's hilarious The caller did the fucking No no the caller's friend She basically brought a plus one The plus one that was like a complete nightmare So And what is macho man and Andre the Giants say in response

Was that a Dan Sodor episode? Take that soda I'm sorry Hi, Stav. Hi, Eldis. Also, Eldis, sorry for all the voicemails. I just saw the episode of Stavi and Dan, and I'm not sure the other guy's name. I'm sorry.

But I was the bit that brought her shitty friend to a quote-unquote family reunion where she got plastered and cheated on her fiance. And I just wanted to do a couple. clarifying note because I'm getting absolutely dogged in the comments. Okay, firstly, it wasn't 100% a family reunion. It was more of just like a way

of their family and friends and really anyone that wants to come and party and eat food to get together for a weekend and do that and have fun and get plastered. Pause this. That's what she's getting dog on. So they didn't have like

matching t-shirts. Like their family rented a cabin and it was just it's kind of almost weirder to not be a family reunion because then it's just like kind of did back to that chick who hangs out with the like old lady at the little friends. It's kind of like yeah

fucking my aunts and uncles are going to get fucked up in a field. Bring some pussy. Bring some young trim but anyway okay it's not technically a family reunion. I love you just like I'm getting dog to the comments. Let me clear up some stuff

and that's the big clear up. It's like the logistics of the party invite. Yeah. It's okay, fine. It's not a family. Her family had a big ass. Your family had a big ass party. Fine.

Sorry. Go ahead. Secondly, her fiancee and her were having a really hard time. And while I'm not justifying her actions by saying that, I think what she did was her way of getting back at her fiancee, which is gross, because they literally have a full-ass kid together. Full-ass kid. That I digress.

While I don't like that she did embarrass me and my boyfriend at this get-together, I can't just immediately drop her stobby and everyone in the comments that are telling me to do so. I can't do that because one, her daughter sees me as an aunt and I love that little kids so much and kill me. That's fair. That's a great point. Secondly, we live five minutes down the road from each other, so logistically just wouldn't work. You're losing me again. I really don't want to because I've known this bitch my entire childhood and adulthood.

She's been with me and I love her and I really just don't want to drop her because he made one really shitty decision. Is it one though? The reason that her being invited next year was even a question was because his family really liked my best friend's daughter and so did all the other. little kids and they wanted her to come back. Yeah, that's why. We bet the chick who's loose as fuck because we love her kid. I bet the guy who got head in a porta potty isn't

fucking putting up too many protestations in either. No, don't invite her back. She fucks people when she just meets him at the party. We can't have someone like that making everyone's time better. Question. And then lastly,

just because I'm not immediately ditching my best friend of 12 years. doesn't mean I'm going to get drunk and cheat on my boyfriend. I know right from wrong. Did we accuse her of that, I guess? They probably did in the comments. The comments.

Okay, okay. Drop a bitch immediately for making a super shitty decision. Okay. She sounds really defeated. Her and her fiancee are still together, so. Yeah, until there's enough fucking clues for him to watch this.

Okay, so you sound pretty funny. Listen, you don't got to explain to me being annoyed by internet commenters I know you're not going to explain that or having a scumbag friend that you're still friends with I'm in the entire fucking life

yeah mom's that friend for five other people hey why don't you check out the performers list at the Riyadh comedy I had some close personal friends that were making yucks for the fucking royal family

which it was essentially a family reunion some of my friends and you know I actually tend to be more money than my parents ever made. And yes, just literally being in comedy, I am friends with people who are monsters, but they're fucking hilarious.

And I got to say sometimes that's enough for me. So we get it. And look, sorry you got cooked in the comments. I don't remember what we said. That was a while ago. It's Christmas after all. Yeah, but if you don't want to get cooked in the comments of a podcast, you could not call in.

Like the second you open, you're opening, that Pandora's box is a two-way door. You know what I mean? I don't, that's like three-pont, like, three different metaphors I'm lost to you. At all. The door's box is really a one-way thing. You get sucked to into the box. You got to go into the box, baby. I don't think you go into the box at all.

It's like a Ghostbusters trap. What's the box? But I think that's fair. I look, I don't remember exactly what we told you, I'll be honest to you. And we probably just were having a good, once Dan's in there, you know, we get to riffing. We probably tore you to shreds and you didn't deserve it.

It is weird, though, that your friend, you know, fucked some guy at the family. Even if it's not a reunion at the family party, who she's a plus one. Yeah.

Fucking a guy and fighting and making people watch your kids while you disappear for a long time. Well, fucking a guy at something that your kid is also at and like, like,

that's wild. That's a wild move. It's a bit of a wild move. But I get what you're saying. Like we said, we have friends who are pieces of shit that are still in our lives and we're not even saying

you're friends a total piece of shit it's probably stressful to have a kid especially in a bad weird relationship and she's probably letting off a little steam you know also it sounds like you're not that mad about it anymore the comments aren't like a change dot org

petition where you have to do what they say you can just kind of ignore them and hang out with your friends I trust you who I think is a crazy person because you called into a podcast. Yeah, right, right. So that, like, already labels you. I trust you more than someone who comments on a podcast video.

They're even crazier than the people call in. 100%. And so I would say just like, you know, chill. It's no big deal. You know, yeah, she fucked up. Now, would I maybe chill on the invite next year? Yeah. Especially, like, imagine her and her fiancee do put it all on, you know,

I guess he cheated on her or she cheated on him. Let's say it's even. You think he wants her attending the place she fuck. some guy. Yeah, no. Your friend's kid can make friends elsewhere. You know what I mean? Or leave the kid at home and fuck the person there.

That's fine too. Or just the kid or your friend goes. Yeah. You go with the kid. You get to watch her for a couple days. How far apart of these parties? Because at some point a fiancé should be a husband. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it doesn't sound like they're rushing if they already have a kid. It's like, what are you running? Just health insurance? Yeah. I got a hunch that their jobs don't include health. insurance. Did you say head in a porta potty? Was that the actual specific?

No, no, that's just, you know, a little flourish. That's my fucking dream. Yeah, yeah. I don't even think I could be the guy in a porta potty. Oh, I didn't even think I could be the guy getting my dish sucked. Something about that smell makes my mouth water. Oh, yeah. There's a cop's gun.

Oh, fuck. I think that's going to do it for us. Wow. Oh, shit. Our sleigh is here, isn't it, Elders? Oh, wrong button, dickhead. Whatever, fuck you. Well, happy, Merry Christmas, everyone.

Slay King. Fellas, thank you so much for coming. Anything you guys want to plug. It's Christmas after all. We're going to put down so many reindeer of a time. Sorry, boys. After every. Yeah.

We're making a huge batch of reindeer tacos That's true Is reindeer lead protein I learned this recipe from Rogan Check out the fellas They're the best Thank you

Thank you for watching Stavvy's World Christmas special Oops all Santas And we will catch you Have a wonderful 2020 Well next time we talk to it will be 2026 folks

Look at that Or actually no I think there's one more episode Whatever I think it's the Greek Christmas special. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That would be I just get three fat Greek eyes. That would be awesome. Vardalos is a fucking dream guest. We're still, I literally DM'd her to come to,

when let's start a cult when I was doing like a premiere of my movie in L.A. I just cold DM'd. I was like, come on out. And she's like, I would,

but I'm fucking, you know, she was busy or something. But my big fat Greek wedding, a masterpiece. And on that note, enjoy your Christmas. Everyone will see it.

Christmas to all and to all a good night. Absolutely.