Stavvy's World - #162 - Sarah Sherman

Episode Date: January 5, 2026

Sarah Sherman returns to the pod to discuss her new special SARAH SQUIRM: LIVE + IN THE FLESH (HBO Max), how she would have gotten better promo if she dressed up as Sarah Normal, really wanting to crap and puke on SNL, turning down the high school quarterback, being a really bad lifeguard, wondering what it’s like to have nuts, and much more. Sarah and Stav help callers including a woman whose husband won’t let her invite her brother to housesit because his feet smell really bad, and a woman whose former teacher DM’d her asking to hang out. Watch Sarah Sherman’s new special SARAH SQUIRM: LIVE + IN THE FLESH on HBO Max: https://www.hbomax.com/movies/sarah-squirm-live-in-the-flesh/5d79e162-5a0a-4177-9021-79bac1836b07See Sarah Sherman live and follow her on social media:https://www.sarahsquirm.com/https://www.instagram.com/sarahsquirm/https://twitter.com/SarahSquirm Thank you to our sponsors!Visible.com - promo code SWITCH26 ☎️ Want to be a part of the show? Call 904-800-STAV and leave a voicemail to get advice!🎟️ See Stavvy live on the Dreamboat Tour 🛥️💕!!! https://stavvy.biz/ for tickets‼️ Bonus episodes every week! Unlock exclusive, Patreon-only episodes at https://www.patreon.com/stavvysworld Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Upaha. Welcome everybody to Stavvy's World 904-800 stuff. Call in. We'll solve all your problems. Look who's back on the couch, everybody. Miss me. Look who's back on the couch. And she was doing other press, so she looks halfway presentable today. From the neck up. From the neck up, glammed up.

Glammed up, eyelashes burning into my eyes burning. Yeah, how's it feel? Is this strange for you? I'm one day. How much makeup have you had on? How many hours have you had this on? I've had it on since 8 a.m. And you could just take a shovel and scrape up four inches of concealer. One day, one day, you have to do this for a full day.

Lashes, lips. I'll give you $40. $40 to do it? Yeah, contacts. Contacts. Are you wearing contacts? I'm wearing contacts because the eyes are the windows. Of course, of course, of course.

I do like the purple eye shadow. Isn't that nice? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is he looking the only place there isn't a camera? What a pro. Well, there's so much space in your new Epstein's mansion.

That's right. That's right. Can they see that it's different? No, no one has any idea. It's crazy. We are in the headquarter, the Manhattan headquarters of the temporary headquarters of Stavi's world.

In the middle of NYU, we've rented a studio at NYU, Of course, we're in the middle of the campus right now. And it looks like a big refrigerator. Yeah. It's if a house was a refrigerator. And it's a house. It's pretty much a house in apartment form, yeah.

It's big. Do you feel safe? Yeah, what do you mean? Like spiritually safe. Spiritually safe? That's a good question. No, not really. There's something sinister going on here.

You did say it feels evil. There's nothing on the wall. Well, I've sublet it and it's furnished, so I can't put my own. No, but that's what I'm saying, the person who's, The art sucks, it's bad. The vibes are not great. It's a cool space. Right.

And it's a cool neighborhood that I never lived in. But I did learn like, I don't want this. This is too much for me. I'm going to get a smaller place. Oh my God, you're so humble stuff. Well, the idea, what I would love to do is throw a big ass party here. On the way out, I will throw a party. I need to go to a party.

I haven't been to a party where I was just, I was having fun in a long time. A lot of work after parties. I'm at, well, thank you for seeing that. I'm at work. That can't be that fun. No, and I'm like tweaking off a Celsius that I drank at like 11 p.m. before the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I like, I had a martini and a half a couple weekends ago, like fully blacked out.

It was acting crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Have you embarrassed yourself in front of like a famous person to a degree? Anything that come, does anything come to mind? Anything in particular? Just on Saturday, I ran up to, I saw, I was full-blown sober just like. tired as hell on, like, on Celsius.

I saw the dare, and I went, nice. Terrible. That's pretty good. And then his friend goes, good job on the show tonight. I know, you did good on the show tonight. And I go, no, I didn't.

It's like, I can't tell. I'm at a point of my life where I don't know if I'm charming anymore. Oh, interesting. You know what I mean? You're having a real crisis. I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I said to, and then I was.

kind of on an apology tour because I was really stressed out at work. And like a producer asked me to cut just one joke from a thing. Wasn't that funny? When you cut time out of your sketches, it's good because then your friends have time to get their sketches on the show. Everybody eats, you know, no problem. Very egalitarian of you. I'm saying I'm an angel.

You're so good. I'm saying I'm an angel. You cut one fart out of your diarrhea sketch. I cut just one R out of diarrhea. Are they going to let you do like some kind of diarrhea? Like you know, remember back in the day, one of my favorite sketches as a kid was the throwing up out of the hand Awesome.

I've tried to do that. That's got to come back. We even made a vomit. Because why they do it with the hand is because when you tape like a vomit tube to your face, the force of the liquid vomit like usually like prized the hose off. It's hard to keep the hose on your face. I had, I did a movie where somebody had one of those in their like in their mouth.

Awesome. And it was fucking crazy. It's all. Their fucking head flew around. Because of the force. Yeah, it was like very, it was a lot. And he didn't have. control of it that we were fucking with him.

It was pretty fun actually. The director was a fun, a fun, a fun little rascal. He was just fucking with him. And it was pretty fun. And that director was Bagonia. Yeah, it was, it was an uncut. Yeah, it was a cut scene. There's a lot of like, uh, throw, yeah, Lantemos loves the hand in the

wrist fucking throat. I bet he would love that actually. It's awesome. Um, we, like, it's the vomit hoses are hard. So like, uh, Louis special effects. Shout out to Lou. He actually did scan me for Bologna. That's true. So me and Louie has looked at my, he's scanned my whole body. He has that

on a computer. Yeah, he has my body on a computer somewhere. I kind of want it. I want to make an action figure of myself. He will make it for you. Cool. I have so many of my little heads that he's printed in. Yeah, I saw that in his workshop. You're like the, you're like the number one person in there. Well, pretty good for somebody who's barely in the sketches. It's all, oh, you haven't tuned in this season? Neither of you have turned in this season

I'm woman number three in a blonde wig and bangs going, hey, you're acting bizarre Well they lost two You guys lost two normal women We did And that did push you even further Into pretending to be a normal woman territory It is

Heidi Gardner Who's going to do that? You know what I mean? And the answer is not you But somebody's taking her spot And so you have to be a background normal woman Lauren always says Because I'm always going

Like someone's being something weird Now I'm going And he's like You're gonna catch flies in that mouth And I'm like I'm legitimately disturbed Nikki Glazer and Tommy Brennan Are doing a sketch

Where they're siblings And they have a lot of sexual chemistry And so I'm going Yeah You're playing it natural That's how anyone would react In real life I try to really get in there

And go like Huh I'm really present in the statues. Sometimes I'm fully like 10 seconds late on a line because I'm watching too hard. I'm going to like, yeah. But they're siblings. This is crazy.

These siblings shouldn't be about the fuck. What the hell is this? I actually, I got a wig. I was going to come in here full serenormal. Oh my God. That would have been incredible. I know. That would have been incredible.

I know. I got a blonde wig and I had a whole, yeah. What would you have worn not? this fucking clown outfit. I have a Von Dutch tank top and a miniskirt with fishnets and a blonde wig. I should have just done it. That would have like short-circuited my brain to actually see you. You do have to come to S&L.

I did, yeah, yeah. Well, I did fucking, I wanted to come. I fucked up because I was just up late as fuck one Saturday. To the point where I'm never up that late and I was like, it was like, it's the only thing to do in New York. It was Halloween weekend. Oh. And I fucking, I was like, and I went to a party and I was, And I was wired because I never do anything, like, social.

Right. And I was like, oh, and I didn't go to bed to like four. You could have just easily rolled up. I'm such a fucking idiot. Just come. This is the move for the listeners. Just come sit in my dressing room. It gets to be 150 degrees in there.

You'll be in there with like two of my cousins and someone I don't even know. Yeah, I don't want that. I don't want that experience. I want. But then you get the experience of then I come into the dressing room and Sarah normal drag. And you like, and then everybody goes like, whoa. And then I go, sorry, got to go to work. And then you watch the monitor and it's me on stage going,

you mean like, huh? What? Well, what I'm saying is, what if you pitched the hose gag, but it's shitting? Out of my mouth. I reversed. I switched. Shit comes out of my mouth and puke comes out of my ass. Yes.

It's called Goose 69. I've never seen it come out of anybody's ass. That's how you could be the. You could move the art form forward. Well, me and Mikey Day wrote something, and I'm not going to spoil it because maybe it'll... No, it got cut because it didn't get a single laugh. But we were like animatronics that were puking. I love it.

And then Louis built us a vomit rig that like hooks in your ear like a Bluetooth so that like it wouldn't... So it was really like in place. Nice. So yeah, we're doing like huge technological developments in the vomit rig field and nobody's buying. All I'm saying is if you don't do a vomit rig before you leave, it will be a wasted tenure on SNL. Well, obviously, I've written it 800 times. That's it. I write four sketches a week.

And they're exactly what you think. They're what you think. They're what you can imagine. Yeah. They don't make it past the finish line. Of course. We'll get there. We'll get there.

One of these times. Well, when you host. That's right. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll bring you back. You'll have been fired by then. you know for coming on this podcast and talking about how I look beautiful in a wig

damn I should have just done it that would have been awesome I was like there was something to I had a busy day to day not of course a lot of press for we should say Sarah squirm live in the flesh out probably by now when you're listening to it well but not I told you about my new the new anxiety that I invented about it oh give it yeah it's that I'm worried that when it gets uploaded to the HBO what if it gets blurry I mean that's one of the stupidest things I've ever heard

But it's like I all Of course You're worried that it's going to get blurry Well I'm just I'm always like Inventing a new A terrible thing that's happening So that I was worried that it was going to get blurry What was the other thing I invented

Oh Well this isn't interesting But I Well this is okay Well now ogres are like onions has a lot of layers. I, I, the day of the taping. Oggers are like onions.

Okay. We'll get back to that. It's a classic Long Island saying. Right. You guys know what I'm talking about it. Everyone knows exactly what I'm talking about it. I'm coming across is completely. I understand the layers.

Right. And the ogre, I guess, is your worry? Is that one of these? That's like the, from Shrek. He's like ogres are like onions. I'm sorry. I mean, for you to pick up on it would be odd. I don't remember that And I am a struck fan

My mouth is talking Like my mouth is over here And my mind is over here Yeah yeah I the day of the special I was convinced I had a new COVID-39 Variant

Yeah So I wasn't testing positive For anything I have a fever I just want I said I was So I got an IV that morning Oh I know I'm the Ivy King

But I don't think they're good They are But why But why is that better Than drinking a vitamin Why I don't know if it even is better I just think I have always felt better

After doing them I don't but I'm just hydrated Right but then it's like some anti-vax Like cowboy nurse coming to your house And doing it out of a dirty lunchbox Yeah that can happen sometimes It's crazy but that's what they are Are you going to the place or they come to go to the place

Sometimes they come Because I usually get it like it's like An emergency the shows that night And they need to come to my house Of course you're freaking out I'm freaking out They're giving me in like in 10th the vibe it is antivax a little bit I guess and it's like they're like

vitamins will heal you yes vitamins and I'm not working at the hospital anymore I prefer sort of a private practice yes yes yes you'll get too you'll get like the most competent nurse you've ever seen in your life trying to make an extra dollar right at someone who's like medical care is gone crazy right you know this is so much better I got into some you know I got into some scraps over at the ER because, you know, it's just someone with a real backstory or like a lady who's been working in shock trauma

forever. And to her, this is like a vacation. Giving rich people, IVs that are mostly a placebo effect. Right. It's basically like, oh, it was either this or try and put a baby's limbs back onto its body. Have you ever asked like a former like ER doctor or ambulance

or EMT? Have you ever asked any of these people about their every time I meet someone like this I'm always like what's the worst thing you've ever seen and it is always the worst thing you've ever heard and then you're like is it bad that I asked yeah well you like that kind of shit you're a fetishist quite disturbed by it

which is what entreaties me you want to know you do like gross shit the special will have plenty of gross shit folks I kind of want you guys to do like a live unboxing of it right now like you're just watching the opening package and then you and then just going like this and it's like, you're like, oh, what the

fuck? Oh, that's interesting. Holy crap. I think you might like the first two minutes. I think I will, how we'll like the special. I think you'll like the first two minutes have something quite interesting that you might enjoy. Oh, are there tits in it? There's a lot of tits in the special. Mine.

But I got an email after the special came out that was like from HBO that was like, Were any of your real genitals shown? And I got to be like, those are not mine. Not dangly enough. Yep.

Yep. Those are not my real genitals, but there are genitals. I love that. That's quite interesting. Yeah. I mean, I do think there's a weird thing where you're not allowed to show real genitals, but you can show fake ones. Right.

Which is, again, we've talked about it, I know about let's start a cult. They wouldn't let me show my real balls. I'm still mad to this day Because those were little nuts I don't know Because you can't show real balls And I

But on what? Like on it on the streaming? I don't even fucking know I guess I don't know Because we're rated It's an unrated movie We never got fucking rated We made point one million dollars

At the box office It's not like it It's not like it was like a By the way for a second I went Point one I think it was a little more than that But not much folks

But yeah I don't know I guess because they wanted to sell it to a streamer, but it's like, well, then let me shoot it with my real balls and then swap them out, have a Hulu cut. Right. And have the director's cut. Oh, it's on Hulu. It's on Hulu.

Yeah, you can't have nuts on Hulu. I pretty knows that. I guess now it's Disney, you're right. And just like, I do. Kinds of kindness was on Hulu, which is hilarious. Is there nuts and balls in that? Have you seen it's good? No.

You'd like it. And there's some wild shit in there. Oh, okay. Yeah. Me with a good time. but I got an IV the day of the special and then when we were color correcting it

you know we're like bumping the saturation of what's on whatever let's make this jizz whiter well this was the problem when you set when you saturate things too much the whites become yellow so this became an interesting balancing act

which you'll see in this special it was funny it would be like the labia I feel like we're losing the labia in this it's a lot of cutting around that hit right that's fun it was fun

but I got an IV that day and because of the color correction we made all the reds really pop and you can just see like a red oozing IV port for the whole special oh that's fucking hilarious you didn't throw a little makeup on it I just didn't

no one could the halfway through my second show I'm like I'm on stage I'm talking I'm shaking my ass Yeah, yeah. All the lights break. That happened at JP. We did it.

Really? We produced JP Special at the Bell House. The exact same thing happened to us. They kept going on and off. Did you do? You're not at the Bell House? That's what happened. Are you fucking kidding me?

Oh my God. That happened again? Wait, when was this? This was what? I mean, last year. Oh, yeah. No, that exactly had. And I'm on stage and going like.

That's crazy. And they had to pull me off for 20 minutes in the middle of like the best show. You know what's funny that we were like, we just kept powering through it, but I wish we had stopped. We should have done that. We should have done that. Why? Because you couldn't use the... We could use it, but he was also crushing.

It was the same thing where the second show's better. JP was fucking destroying. And the special came out great. Don't get me wrong. But we had to cut. And some of the jokes just, we got lucky with the timing. But some of them, it was like,

it just fucking fucked up the second, the back half of his second show. JP's a pro, but he went on for like 40 minutes like that. And the lights were switching off like every six minutes or something. That's insane that that happened again. It was, I went, I don't think. I think, I'm not a diva deluxe, but I went,

fuck it was great. And also, we had to stop because. We do shows the Bell House all the time. That's never happened once. The two specials that we've been involved with that both happened. You know, it was the worst part. After it was done, they like switched the lights on and off and that fixed it.

And then it stopped doing that for like the rest of the night while we were in there. It was fucked. Can they, maybe it's just like too much. Because mine had, I have like crazy shit. so there was like carnival lights and like I was like oh we're like overpowering the system you got fucked you know I at the end of the day ultimately it was kind of good for me because

Pepsi burp give me reverb mark that oh that's okay can you get that um they the the the um um um um because I'm like running around and like screaming and hyperventilating and sweating I actually got to catch my breath. So you seem like a more dynamic performer. You seem like James Brown when you come back. I come back and all of a sudden it's like, well, I'm not James Brown. They wipe me off.

I'm less sweaty. True, true, true. But my director can't, all my jokes are like, I'm fucking ugly. I'm sweaty. I stink. And my director was like, I think we have to hose you down

in the middle of the show because you're dry as a bone. And you're stunning, by the way. They should have misted you down. That's right. This is the next one. Yeah, the next one. Did you take a break after your special? Not really. No, in fact, I really didn't too much.

Like, the second one I did right after, we took a, I took a much longer break between, I'm currently working on the third one. And that's a, that's a longer, that was a much longer process. I mean, what, the last one came out when? Last summer? Was it, no, it was December. Oh, yeah. December 6th? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So December 6th, was that? Last year? Yeah. That was, it was just a year ago, damn. That's crazy. That is kind of crazy. I thought I, I know, that was, that was two years ago.

Well, you did take a break, didn't you? Kind of. I took like five months off. Wasn't it? I'm pretty sure it was two years ago. Because since I did the show, I have not, um, I have, uh, that's not true. I've mostly taken a break. I have no dates on the calendar.

But you're on fucking, you're on SNL. You have a job. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. What? Yeah. You're acting crazy. Yeah, you're fucking working for the man, dude.

NBC Universal. It's kind of nice. Someone tells me where to go and what to do me. Y'all jealous. You know who tells you where to go and what to do? That's right. And he loves it. He's like, we're doing two podcasts tonight.

I'm like, hey, Eldis, I know you plan getting dinner with your wife, who's only in town this week, but I kind of want to do a podcast and then immediately get high. And I figure, what, are we going to get high like friends? No, we're going to record that and make that a podcast. too. Everything okay, little buddy? Let's do it. Oh, you guys are getting hot. Should I break my weed sobriety? Yeah, you want to stay? You want to stay and do a podcast that'll come out before this one? And why would that be? Now, why would that come out before this?

It's a Patreon exclusive, Cushmas Brothers. It's already happened. Everyone's had a great time. Sarah was on it or she wasn't. We're not sure. Maybe she makes a quick appearance. It is fun I don't know Were you ever a weed guy I was a weed guy in college I had a bomb Hell yeah

What kind of bon was it like a crazy one It was like a crazy like fat Short thick bomb Love that And I and then it just You just reached I just experienced ego death on weed And I was like weed is the hardest drug

Known to Man and I will never do it again And I haven't I haven't smoked weed since I got cross-fated and watched rap world before it's release. That's the time to do it. And I was like,

and Jack was showing us a kind of rap world and I was like, yeah, that's a great thing to be stoned for too. But I don't come back from weed. What do you mean? I'm just,

you're just done. I'm Googling heart attack. It's just, it's not good. So you weren't, as a kid, though, you weren't, you never smoked weed like when you were like on Long Island? Not real

No not real What were you doing Did you ever act out Do you ever act a fool? Um I would I was a head lifeguard Wow

Okay I was a head lifeguard for five years Did you swim competitively in school A little bit yeah Just to save people's lives And well when I was 16 My dad's like you're getting your working papers I don't care what it is

So then I just ended up being a lifeguard and it was like all the popular girls and the football players and the volunteer firefighters Oh interesting Were there any lifeguard romances for you Come on dish

So like I did like a little partying in high school Because it was like all the hot lifeguards Were doing it Yeah I'm one of them Yeah what's good Yeah this is pre this haircut This is no I was pretty much

Not this haircut but the rest Something to throw people off Yes I was still throwing people. You were trying to fucking, yeah, I got you. Yeah. I was still, you know, I'm when. You're unique.

You got, you're letting people know you're different. You're like, I'm not going to let you get to know me. Okay. I'm going to make it obvious by sight that I'm different. I'm going to dress like Grandma Yenta from the nanny. Even though I'm 17 years old and you're going to like it. The nanny, what a show. I mean, come on.

Fran Dresser or that. I mean, that's the most stunning woman to everywhere. Insane. That's the most stunning woman to ever. It's like her, it's like she's the Jewish version and Marissa Tomey, the Italian version. But Jews and Italians, parallel in Amazon Square. Sure, sure, sure. It's kind of the same thing.

Italians would be pissed to hear that, but you're right. You guys like it. We have the same female arm hair. Interesting. That is true. I mean, Greeks and Italians, there's a closer line there as well. I think you're picking up on the tree. Christ state sort of like that type of Jewish girl is very similar to it's really just being

from Jersey or Long Island it's really what you're talking is having dark being a brunette from Jersey or Long Island is what you're talking about but we digress you're dressing like the nanny or the nanny's mom who was a great character yeah exactly and she was basically like the bubbles from trailer park boys of the nanny yeah yeah yeah yeah and they had the gay butler and the uptight girlfriend of the guy. This is why you're a queer icon. I love that show. It's legit funny.

It's legitimately very funny. It holds up fully. She's, again, the most stunning woman I've ever seen. She's so hot, too. She's wearing full head to toe, neon muskino. Every episode, she's wearing Todd Oldham. She looks fucking amazing. Best episode, Lamb Chop makes an appearance.

I was a big lamb chop guy. I was a big, I know. I know. I know. Yeah, it's, I loved Lamb Chop. Until that whole Hanukkah episode You love Jewish women You do I do yeah yeah

Sherry Lewis Jewish woman I like well I do I mean look Jew comedy Jewish people Right It's just like of course Right I'm all in there

And there is There is something too That what you said earlier About the like Italian like the dark haired Loudmouthed Greek women are sort of like that too So it's like

I get right into that And there was something And I went to I went to Baltimore City public schools and so the only like white kids were like it was like mostly Jewish Jewish kids so like not even white right guys yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah we're working on that we're working on not you guys not being white anymore it's about halfway it's loading right guys I got something too right guys yeah you especially I look at you I'm like that's not a white

person fucking dressing clown pants You know, and I was like, if I show up in a blonde wig and a tank top, I would have crushed it. I would go, I would respect you. I'd be like, there wouldn't even be a conversation about what I looked like. You would be like, love the special, uh, watch the whole screener. You guys have got to check the special out. I mean, this is some of the funniest stuff I've ever seen. Sam, I really, I fucked up.

I was like, ah, it's a whole thing. You have to have to have Your next appearance has to be Sarah normal. If I showed up to this like white freezing cold apartment in the middle of Manhattan It gets a little hot in a blonde wig

and a little skirt It would that's that I would have felt like I'm in a porno This is porn. Yeah the porn lights. Yeah. This is porn lights. It is.

Porn couch. Me and Elders definitely don't have a He doesn't look like the guy behind the camera. I don't look like the producer slash on camera talent. All right. We're doing wrong.

John Jeremy, but his dick is small. You know the problem with Ron Jeremy? That dick is just too unapproachable. Most guys check out, but they want him to be fat. They want him to look exactly like him, but with a dick that's a third the size. You know, Ron Jeremy, at least he showed his fucking nuts on TV. That's true. What's your damage, dude?

I try, again, I tried to show my nuts. I tried. And I actually tried, like, to the point where people were like, oh. Like, I was going to, like, I didn't care if it was a closed set. I was like, I don't fucking, everybody can look at my nuts. Oh my God, no, this is the breakfast scene. This is the breakfast scene. And I was like, I was pretty, like, I did realize like, oh, doing a movie is having a job.

And it's kind of like being in an office because I had the prosthetic nuts. And I was just going up to like the DP and be like, hey, dude, check this out. And he's like, ah, like he hated it. And I was like, uh, uptight. I'm going to like the hair and makeup ladies. I'm like, check out these fucking nuts gals. And they're loving it Because they're cool

But yeah There were people on the The sound guy didn't like it They weren't by the end Well you made the mic you're nuts I made I was like can you write down the seam Can you hide the mic right in the seam My balls will envelop it

Yeah that's right You need to do more seam work Seam work You know what I mean Yeah That's something I can that's like what I'm writing That's me writing for you It's like a gag about

somebody's like balls like the balls like turning inside out you know I've done that okay well I take it back and I use chicken skin great minds that's a great call and I slashed open the nut sack

and the balls were eyeballs I actually you know what I've seen that you know I think about testicular torsion every day in my life I have phantom ball because you know you just do you ever just like think about

what it would be like to just have big huge tits? Not really. I think about, I just can't imagine that you, I want to look, I want to, I don't want to be attracted to myself. Right. You know what I mean? If I had big

juicy tits on my body, that would piss me off. You'd never leave the porn mansion. That would just be weird. I wouldn't like that at all. I just can't imagine sitting down and there's nuts there. Yeah. I do envy how aerodynamic women sitting, how aerodynamic women sitting down is there's never yeah not worried i've sat on my nuts it's horrible you know

like if you were to just like plop down and i'm also worried like you're not where are your nuts it's possible that your nuts could be if you're not wearing the right underwear they could you could sit on your balls uh mr belvedere the yeah famously yes sat on his own balls so hard they had to delay production for like three days they shut down production uh-huh and i i also envy women never have Like, because presenting your dick is also a nerve-wracking moment if your dick's not looking, you know what I mean? Like, you don't want to pull out a soft-ass little-ass dick. That stinks. Bringing it out, I'm always a little, you know, for the first time, you want to be fluffed up.

Women don't have that. I don't have amazing boobs. Sure, sure, sure, sure. It's not the same, though. It's not the same. Because everyone, everyone at least, like, it's like, everything is kind of outwardly, the dick is a big surprise that matters. that matters, right? Whereas, like, everyone, by the time you're about to fuck a lady,

you've kind of, you've thought about it quite a bit. You know what I mean? And it's not going to be a curveball in a way that it could be. Yeah, like you, exactly, exactly. Yeah. So, but, you know, whatever. But I don't have a penis envy or anything like that. You have ball envy.

I just have ball. I'm ball curious. They are fun. I'm just curious. In terms of genitals and sexual organs, they are the goofiest. Almost the most innocent ones Balls are actually pretty funny and getting kicked in the ball

Like as a kid Like you'll mention your balls As like a little kid in a way that you would never like Like no one's talking about like getting kicked in the dick or pussy as a kid But they're talking about getting kicked in the balls Like that's something that's ever present I think And you don't necessarily need to involve them in sex So they can just be innocent bystanders to the whole thing

They're almost, they're almost like, it shouldn't be the Achilles heel. It should be the Achilles ball. The Achilles ball. Because they're more, they're right. That is the most vulnerable. Achilles should have been on all fours and his sacks should have been swinging low. And fucking, they should have fucking hit it just like that. And see, now I'm thinking about the torsion.

That could just happen. Your nuts gets, uh, they swap. A good friend. A good friend of the podcast has had his ball, when as a little kid had his balls all turned up. And I, did you? I have phantom pain. I know exactly what it feels like. You think you know what it feels like.

I don't think you do. I felt it. Did you see that? I felt it. I don't. I'm such an empath. I really am. I just know what it feels like.

Sure. It's a shooting pain that goes up like through, like I feel. Shooting is right. Like an electric blue jolt. Yeah, there's a jolt to it. But there's also a numbness that lasts too long. You know, it's ball pain really is the weirdest. There's got to be an equivalent.

I don't know what it is, but. When you have some ball pain, there's like a kind of consistent feeling of like you need to adjust your underwear and you just can't. And that makes you like feel a little crazy. You know what I'm talking about? Not really. That's the craziest thing. But you can have ball, just ball pain. Like, oh, my balls hurt.

Not really. It's either really intense or, you know. And they get sticky. They do. They can get sticky, sure. in the heat, they elongate, you know, if it's hot. That's what I'm saying. The Trojan War, it was probably hot out there.

Achilles worked up, worked up a sweat. His nuts are probably hanging low. Right. And the older you get, that is a funny aspect, too. Old guys' balls hanging low as hell. Just cut them off. You can't do that. You can't cut your nuts off.

But we could figure out ways to, why not nutsack for juvenation, you know? Oh, why not the way, like, people's fucking get their, get a facelift, get a nut lift. Can you wear just a sack hammock? Great question. You probably could. Sharks? You can't make sack hands? Sharks what we have for you today.

And for that reason, I'm in. Bidding war. They have to have invented this. I think I have seen something if your nuts are injured. You can kind of have like a, look that up about this. Like a nut sling. You had some ball issues. You had one giant homunculus nut for a while.

fucked up. I had a, I had a UTI that turned into like a ball. The listeners, no, eldest. You know, we don't have to. Sarah is an active listener. Basically, I got like epitomitis, which made my left nut sack like big as a lemon, like crazy swollen. Like I was really scared. It enveloped his dick. Yeah. It like, it like got so big. It pushed like my, my dick skin up and like my dick just disappeared within me. Yeah. I got a piece sitting down for like two weeks. So it was at least four centimeters big. Fuck you.

It was fucked up. Fuck you. What's epidimitis? It doesn't matter. I don't know exactly. Some kind of ball infection from a yeast infection. Thankfully, I passed, you know, it passed. But maybe that's what.

How are you nuts? Let's do a little check-in. Are your nuts normal, you think? Did you have to wear a skirt for a week? I still. He wore a quilt. He pretended to be Scottish. I could weirdly like walk through it.

It wasn't that intrusive when I was walking. The size of a limit. It got like crazy, like scary huge. You were ball pregnant. Yeah. Yeah, and that was out of control. Yeah, it was fucked up. He was podcasting through it, though, a real trooper.

Again, he knows where his bread is buttered. He wasn't as that. Mr. Stavvy, I'm sorry, I'm late. Do you need any twisted tea, star? Will I put a hemorrhoid pillow down on the fucking producer's chair? Riff, Eldis, I don't care if you're nuts hurt. Riff right now Interesting

Yeah so you have not envy Well maybe one day You should get some like I should have Kept the prosthetics And given them to you to wear I've made balls of my own Okay so you've know

You know But I've never It's not the same I get you Sure it's not Just curious Now going back to You know

Let's get back to being a lifeguard You know Maybe you saw some balls In one of these In one of those bikini briefs Maybe you were I lifeguard

lifeguard party lifeguard so cool all the athletes whatever whatever the quarterback of the football

team asked me out wow and I said no no no wow and then everybody's like

Sarah you're not gonna do better than that just go out with them it's just and I was like I don't know I'm not that

intimate no disrespect he was bald at 16 no disrespect he was bald at 16 No disrespect. Why are you looking at me when you say that? I don't understand what you mean.

No disrespect. He was bald to me. Quarterback, though. No disrespect. He was short. No one's short here. And it just, we weren't really viving. The quarterback was bald and short.

Jewish king of Long Island. That's insane. It's a Long Island football team. It's a Jewish Long Island football team. Interesting. You would think there's a Jewish Adonis? I don't know, me. Who knows?

But I just, I don't know. I literally. was like oh like he's a jock like i'm an artist i got my eye on the stage manager of the of the of the theater department that was you yeah like i don't want this guy i was i want the guy who's helping do quick changes for yeah i i i well i had my eyes on the english teacher hell yeah was a young english teacher he had a red and white beard and he would smoke a pipe in his car in the parking lot and he would wear Snoopy ties

and then me and my best friend Emily would watch him smoke his pipe in his car and be like God that must be like professors are like so yeah Wow no advice I've held on to the fact that the

quarterback asked me out in high school But also he's 5, 6 and bald I know but I got to hang my hat on that I'm still hanging my hat on it. But you didn't even so much as jerk his little dick off or anything. No, because again, he was a jock. I wasn't going to jerk off a jock. I was really like that.

I believe you. I totally believe you. I was like, I was rock. He was a jock. Right, right. Yeah, he was a stater boy. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

You said see you later. I wonder like, yeah. I've thought about it so much. About this particular guy? Yeah. This is a sliding doors moment in. your life if you get figured by the by a bold 16 year old how does your life change? Like what would have just been different?

I'm imagining Sarah saying no when he asked her out and then the end of the night at that party is like the end of Carrie. You're just like covered in pig's blood and that's where Sarah squirm was born. He makes the fucking fire hose spray me with diarrhea. Yeah. Do you think it would be different? You think you would be like teaching? theater and he'd have like a small accounting firm on Long Island.

Yeah. You think you would just, because it's true, you could just channel this into dressing like the nanny. Right. There is a Long Island version of you that's a housewife. I've never in my, I swear, I swear to God, never in my life has that idea even crossed my mind. But it doesn't, I didn't, I didn't think about it until now, but it's like, that is sort

like that loud dressing there's like that is that entirely informed where she would talk about on the show how she would shop at filene's basement i so i would make my aunt go to fine lean's basement she wore her head to toe mesquino so it's like that was the one designer i knew about sure i would i would do i do anything for her i didn't fucking anything she ate wasabi on the show i tried wasabi at the sushi place that was my girl yeah that's it puts and put some fucking respect on her name Sag president. Former Sag president. Negotiated the new deal.

Exactly. Now we got Rudy. Now we got fucking Sean, whatever his name. You should run for Sag president. Me. I've been in one movie. I've been in one real movie.

And my start calls a real movie. That's coming out. I guess three movies. I guess I was in an HBO movie. Four movies. HBO movie. I'm an HBO streamer. I did one scene where I'm the weird guy on the bus for a rom-com

between like 22-year-olds. Put some respect on this thing. Put some fucking respect on this thing. Shout out to Sweethearts. Caleb Heron plays a college freshman in that. It's him, Kieran, and Shipka, and Nico. I forget Nico's last name,

but two 24-year-olds and Caleb. Right. If there, any time an audition comes across my desk, and they do, and please keep sending them. Please, I'll do full-frontal. I don't care. Much to stuff. of dismay. I'll do full frontal. I'll do full backl. I'll do anal. I'll do anything.

Anytime an audition comes that's like whatever 30s. I'm like, can we not? What's this about? What's this about? I can play 28. I bet I, oh, there, I, my agent called our agent. Oh, okay. And I there was a movie that I've been Remind me to get a new agent They're clearly not working for people There's a little thing over there Movie I really want to be in He's like, yeah, the director's telling me

There's no parts for you And I'm like, what do you mean? He's like, well, it takes place in high school I go, I'll do a high schooler And he was like, oh You mean? I'm like, yeah, I can do it. You thought you were going to play a student

or like a teacher? I want to be in the movie. so badly that I was like put me in coach for high score and he had to he had to be like come on look I know my job is to lie to you right

but you're stretching that my whole job is immoral and it's about lying to my clients and pretending I think higher of them when really they're just a means to 10% of a check and I don't really care and the whole agency is somehow

what the money we don't know Listen, bleep, cut this out. No, you're just going to stay in. But even, you are stretching even my ability to make, to pump you up delusionally. I feel like I could. You think you could play a high school student. Hear me out. Hear me out.

Hear me out. There are, hear me out. Some teenagers today, vape a lot. Okay. So I think that vaping causes early onset skin aging. Like if a kid grew up in a smokestack or something and vaped all the time, you could maybe play her. Right. Right.

Right. Maybe she's a chimney sweep. Yeah, she's a chimney sweep. It aged her prematurely. And everyone's like, oh, look, there's fucked up face Sarah. Right, exactly. The dumb bitch who's 16, but looks so fucked up. Yeah, you can play that.

Yeah. Like, I mean, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, she was like 30. Yeah, I guess. And the cameras were blurry, which brings me to, right, like my special. Your fear of the blur. Oh, it all comes back. Well, TV used to be blurry. That was just...

Everything wasn't high-deaf. Right. And I think we don't need to see a porn studio. These don't need to be so... I agree. Sometimes... I agree. Yeah.

And if the cameras were less porn. cameras, then I could be playing 16, my role, you know what I'm that. That's what it used to be. TV was blurry. You could get it. Buffy was, well, Buffy was yeah. But. Yeah. Right. When I think Buffy, when I think Sarah Michelle Geller while playing Buffy, right.

I'm like, who, which one of my friends reminds me the most of them? Sarah Sherman. I just could use I could use the Irishman filter. That's true. I could You played, I mean, you did, you've already gone to this, though. You played a rabbi.

And it said, I'm not kidding. It said on the thing, Rabbi 30s. And I went, do we have to rub it in? And do you, to be fair, though, when I saw that, I was like, huh, that's weird. For a second, I thought that. Because I was so young. But then I was like, oh, no, of course. But listen, knee jerk.

I was like, Sarah's playing a rabbi. She's too young. And then, but then my senses caught up to me. And I was like, wait, no. Of course she's not That's per like That's also what I'm going to Where I'm like

I'll never play a young person on camera I just played I just played a guy who was like A few years older than Jesse Plemons Jesse is a year older than me You know what I mean I'll never I'll always I will never

I'll play like dads I'll play fucked up old guys Right You know and that's fine That's our lives I'm a comedian Okay first above all else At the end of the day

God's honest truth I am on this planet to attempt to extract laughter. Attempt. It's not always going to happen, but I'm going to attempt. Yeah. Do I just get a

lower facelift? No. You look great. Stop. Stop fishing. No, no, no. No, no. This is not. I'm saying I'm talking brass tacks here. You're a hustler. You're in grindset mindset. Yeah. I'm just saying if I, if acting bag is

maybe you want to try to do some acting. bad. Right. I'm just, I'm just talking no, no, no, no. Right. First of all, I wouldn't start with a facelift. I got a couple of ideas we can start with. I've seen some facelifts and I go. No, shut the fuck up. That I go, but that you're so stupid. It's crazy. The fact that you think that's what's holding you back

is a fucking face. You think you're going to get hot vixen rolls if you get a facelift. That's not even it. I just want to play a high schooler in a... No, you can play a high school fucking assistant principal. Right. You know, you could do that.

But then for longer. You don't need a facelift. But I'm gonna, when the camera stop rolling, I'll tell you guys the movie, and then you'll be like, get a facelift tomorrow. First of all, you're just not gonna be in the movie. So let's just... I'm not above begging.

I know. If I see a director of a movie on the street, I'd be like, Hey, I'm free. Yeah. I don't care. Whatever the movie is. Yeah.

The facelift doesn't get you in the movie. I promise you that. True. You're going up there's fucking botched. You do it real fast. That, if I got botched, it would be amazing. You would love that. I would love to get botched plastic surgery.

I tried to get like nipples on my ass. My butt's green now. I can't sit down. No, no, no. You're not, you shouldn't get surgery. That's stupid. I am curious, though, but you're, you're a, turn. coat. Because you got a tooth. I think it's a little different.

I think it's a little different. Then a facelifted, fucking 30, whatever, however you are. But you all of us said, bro, all your day ones, all your rider dies said it's working. I loved having no tooth. I loved it. I really did. But it did get to a point where I was like, all right, I guess I'll have a tooth. Is this the one that's chipped? Yeah. It's safe. The fake one is chipped. I didn't fix it. What are you doing to that tooth that it just can't? I woke up one day and it was chipped. I swear to God, I chipped it in my sleep. I remember looking in the mirror and being like, what the fuck? What are you doing? I think I was grinding my teeth. I think I was grinding my teeth.

I think it was grinding. I grind my teeth so hard that I have bone growths inside of my mouth under my tongue. I believe that. From grinding and clenching. Do you clench all day? I'm better about it. I think I was really stressed at the time. Right. Mm-hmm. It's lips together teeth apart. Oh, really? all day I clench my teeth so hard I've ground mine down You look stupid as fuck doing that eldest What I am still curious about lifeguard Sarah though

I'm curious about Sarah on I am so did you ever Okay you fetishized the teacher Did you ever like do the classic move of dating some Some fucking guy like 10 years older than you or something No You never did I like went in high school I went on a couple days

to the guy who was 30. In high school? In high school. That's not what I asked. What the fuck? How did this happen? Because... The internet, I'm going to say?

No. How did you meet a 30-year-old? And you were in high school. He was like friends with my friends. Like maybe he wasn't 30. Yeah, he's like, either way. He felt 30 and he took me out to bubble tea. And his wallet was his wallet was his.

a cigarette case and he goes to pay, he opens his cigarettes and he goes to pay for the bubble tea and he was like, can you spot me? No. Oh my God. And then ever, I never dated older dudes after that because I was like, I found out young that they were losers. Right. I was like.

Let me tell you something. Anyone who's not in high school who's trying to date a girl in high school is a piece of shit. Right. But I, we, girls usually don't find that out until they're older. but I feel like if your dating I think you find that out

in college college is the first time that's acceptable and it's it still can be weird high school he is a criminal right like that guy

100% has committed statutory rape right you know like fully 100% or did he just have amazing taste no head life guard I was the head life guard

head life guard you're rejecting the You're like, I can't fucking date the high school quarterback. I'm a fucking artist. I got to date the fucking manager at fucking Benegans. I don't even know. I don't think he had a job. So he was a guy who hung out, who partied with high schoolers and you knew him socially.

He had gone to our high school. And he still kept tabs on the underclassmen. I can't even like tell you the truth because it's like, I can't deal with your ridicule. Oh, you get you have. to come on. Of course I was on my high school improv team. You knew him too. He was an alumnus of your high school improv team? I don't even know if he was an alumnus or if he was just like a... He was a fan? Oh my fucking God! You dated a pedophile improv fan? That's fucking incredible. But that's awesome because you like just went on it. You literally courted him and you're like, not for me. Which is funny.

Yeah, good for you. Something's a miss here. And then I was a, I was alive. He's just checking out the shows. Some 24 year old. Let's say he's not 30. 24 is still crazy. We were doing the shows at like a local hotspot, the basement of the public library.

He's getting dropped off by his mom. He was so cool. She wore his mom. Get a beard. Wow. The beard, did he smoke a pipe? But he smoked cigarettes. He did smoke cigarettes.

You wanted bearded and tobacco user as a child. That's what you were jacking off to. I was like, because I was Raqa. Right. It was rock a chick. Yeah, yeah. And then I was a lifeguard and growing up on Long Island, pretty much everyone's good at swimming because you're on an island.

You just get like kind of tossed in with your baby. That's true. Everyone who I've just met had just good at, John Gabris also was a lifeguard. He's the man We are very similar He and I From what I hear Oh you don't know Gapers

He's awesome He's long island Podcast Hell yeah He had a Long Island Character podcast Yeah Yeah yeah yeah

Yeah He's so fun I mean Gabor's just fucking Hilarious He's awesome I You never

Stavvy's World Fans have just Enjoyed the Christmas special Oh fuck Maybe we shouldn't Give it away If this comes out

before Yeah. Well... You have a Christmas special? We'll tell you about it afterwards. Gaboris is involved. Thanks for the invite. Or we've told you, or we told you a week after.

We don't know. Who's the best guest you guys have? Ooh. Not you. Let's start right there. I always check in after my episode comes out. I go, did they like it? He goes, no.

They do like, you dumbass. You are a favorite. You're in the top tier, I would say. You've been on it a bunch. I don't know We've had a ton Every we all the episodes are pretty good We've had some heaters

I mean we love the RU Garbage guys Caleb Soter Blake Griffin was awesome Blake was awesome He was like ready to riff more than like Blake's the man Blake's funny a shit

He's great on TV too He's on Amazon this season I had a long day press Yeah Blake was I gotta say Blake is a lot It was a lot funnier than you're being on this fucking episode

I'm here watch my HBO special I don't care lose my number Don't come visit me at work Sydney's a classic Sydney oh yeah anyway So I was a lifeguard But on Long Island

You don't have to like You never I never really had to save anyone Because everyone was pretty good at swimming Like kids would just go like Face Down in the kiddie pool And you're just like pull them off At the back of the shirt

And then one day I was Stop me if you've heard this before Because this is I'm having a memory of telling this story Telling it on this podcast No just telling it Go ahead. Okay.

So there was a girl fully clothed, this big maybe. Mm-hmm. A child. A child. Yeah. And she made eye contact. I'm on the, I was watching the diving board area, the deep end. Yeah.

So pretty cool. So we put the big guns. Yes. And you were in the classic red one piece. I'm in the classic red one piece. Pamela Anderson. With the little bandana sandline. She makes eye contact with me and she's moving very slowly and she's not blinking and she's just staring at me and I was like entranced by this child and she had me totally hypnotized.

And then she starts walking like in slow motion like full clothes and she was wearing socks and shoes and slow motion while making eye contact with me walks off the diving board. does not hop in clothes in clothes and shoes does not hop into the water slow motion walks off the diving board as if the diving board continued through space oh interesting

but she was all slow motion and she was kind of like she's almost miming or clowning or something yes she was one of the sexy Charlie Chaplin yeah Charlie Chaplin style and she was making our contact with me and I was like so

bewitched by this and she goes in the water slow motion and then she just starts going like this and I was like under the water no like like oh like gets up like and then goes like this and I was like so like entranced and so I just start waving back and then immediately another life crowd is like she's signaling for help you're like hey buddy that was cool yeah because you don't make noise when you're drowning oh really because all of your reserves an air are for breathing.

So you never make noise if you're actually drowning. Why did she do that? Did you talk to her afterwards? The child? Yeah. Like how old are we talking like five? This bit. Like, I don't even...

A little kid who didn't understand what she was doing, basically. That's like my one... My one experience of like maybe that was a ghost or like a skin walker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was so...

Something bizarre. Something overtook this child. And that was my one chance to save someone in five years. And you didn't do it? And I didn't do it. Somebody else jumped in? Somebody else jumped in and saved her.

That's insane. Because I would have just been like... I was like, hello. Or she was like on a, like a death... She had a death drive. And she was like emanate, like, she was like, don't save me. And I was like, I'll respect your wishes spirit. You want to go back.

You want to go see your husband from your last life. Yes. And sometimes kids are connected to some weird shit. When they're born and they can like speak Chinese. or something. Yeah. I just think babies loving old people

to me is a little bit like one's on the way out. One just came in. The older I get, the more I believe in some weird shit like that. Well, but then all...

Babies and old people are like friends in a way that like... And babies see ghosts. They're always like, ah, I agree. I think the sea ghosts too.

Or some shit. They got, they got access to something. And then what do we do? We send them to school. Right. We say, we beat,

the imagination right out of them. Yep. Did you, have you seen ghosts? No. Have you? I took a picture in Salem, Massachusetts. Whoa, yeah, that you definitely saw one there. I mean, shut up. Salem,

you had a ghost experience, you fucking idiot. Wow. I was like Was it flying on a broom? I was like 13. I was like 13. I took a picture of a house on my little cam, on my little like whatever camera.

Film or digital? Digital. And I'm like, spooky house. Looked at the picture and I saw a smear. Whoa. I remember being like...

You're fucking $120 canon. Definitely caught spirits. I had $40 target. Canon. I remember just being like, I possess something mystical. I'm so dramatic. I'm too good for the...

Yeah, I'm too good for the... The jocks my age. I'm in touch with the spirit realm. I have to date a 40-year-old English teacher. Bragg of the century. Quarterback, turned him down. Turn him down.

Did the head cheerleader ask you out? Bitch, I don't think so. Fuck you. No. No. No, we really got nothing going high school-wise. Class clown? Yeah, I was people liked me.

Of course. But I just, I was too nervous to talk to a girl, like to talk to a girl. like to talk to a girl. When I was a head lifeguard, I was in love with this one head lifeguard, Andrew Brash. Look it up, Andrew. Andrew, you blew it.

You blew it. You blew it. He drove me home one day in his convertible. Whoa. Yeah. In high school? Yeah. The guy you were in love with drove you home in the convertible?

You must have thought you were in fucking clueless. Yeah. And I was like, bye. Get off the black leather seat, swamp ass and pussy puddle. so big and I just

fuck closed the door and we both and I'm like God and I just yeah I can I'll never forget the fucking you don't think he you think he was interested and you blew it or you just

no I he was just giving you a ride home and he was just giving me a ride home I was so nervous that I sweat so much that there was a full Roershack test on the sea it was just like a full

like slimer Pectoplasm. Sweat. My ass sweat so fucking hard. He's like, how is the pussy print bigger than the ass print? How is that physically possible? Did a moose take a shower and step in my car? Damn.

Well, look, channel some of these. This is good. Maybe we have some questions about, you know, making yourself, I don't know, attractive to the opposite sex. some things about youth, you know, Sarah's very in touch with, she's basically a high schooler.

And so we're going to take some calls. Of course, the special is out on HBO. Sarah squirm live in the flesh. You know, and this will be interesting to see if this podcast moves the needle at all. We'll find out, like, what kind of cultural relevancy and impact

this podcast really has. And if it doesn't move the needle at all, I'll never come. back, you'll never hear you. Here's what I want you to do, folks. Cancel your HBO Max subscriptions and tell them it was because of live in the flesh. And again, no genitals were actually shown. No real pussies or dicks were shown. No dicks. No dicks at all. No. Wow, what the hell? Of course not. Come on, dude. Oh, shit. Why is this

playing? I just looked at a, sorry, I was looking at a picture of my nephew and I left. I mean he's the man What's going on Eldo A little more room In case she wants to do crowd work On the fucking podcast some more

She wants to do act outs again I mean he's He's so fucking cute I love when they put them in the little suit Yeah they got he's he's dripped How old is that? He is 10 or 11 months

Yeah He's not he's not even one he's not even one he's not even one i want to hold a fucking baby so he's he's the man it's it's fucking awesome the uncle mode awesome how often do you go there um i've i check in like i've probably seen him like i don't know every every couple months maybe i'm gonna spend some time yeah i'm gonna spend some time in the i would have gone and seen him more recently but i'm you know the holidays i'm gonna really put some hours in with the boy i'm excited he's the Hopefully I'll see him a bunch this year

I'll smell his little head Is there another one or that's their only one? That's my brother's kid And my best friend, she has two babies now And they're awesome One of them, he's like He's like, I guess, three probably Is he the little

Is the number one stunner Is he three? It has to be, right? I think so But yeah, he's like a little guy He has like he loves fucking aquatic shit He'll talk to you about Finding Nemo for a long time.

Yeah, it's really cute. All right, Aldous. Play us some calls. I think that's coming from a computer. Dumbass. Stav. And? And?

Come on, dummy. Nice. He's unplugging. something and plugging it back in. You know he has no idea if this will work or not. He's just desperate and hoping. Let's see. You looked like a genius when you were doing that.

Wow. Hey, so. Classic. Never called in before. And I want to say you unplug two things. So you weren't really sure which one it was. I didn't just plug and unplug. I switched the plug order.

Wow. Okay. I think that's happened. before and the speaker is by the way like a bed bath and beyond shower speaker yeah we're just getting started this show barely makes any money right i can see central park from here it travels well yeah we shouldn't have a travel one and one for this studio anyway go ahead eldest

so how's it going hey so uh never called in before, have kind of a unique situation. So my wife's little cousin came into town and was visiting us for a week. And he's a young kid, 24 years old, we're both roughly about 10 years old, he's in him. And he goes on to tell me that he's dating this girl that's a couple years older than both of us. She's in her mid to late 30s. Oh, wow. Okay.

And basically he ends up getting a phone call a couple days ago while he's staying at our house visiting from his girlfriend that he has not been dating that long, who's, you know, 12, 13 years older than him, that she is pregnant. Ooh. And he promised me that I wouldn't tell anybody. and he's very much freaking out. And I'm a father. I've got a four-year-old at home. And I don't really know how to help the kid. I just told him that I was going to be there for him,

but wanted to see your take on this. My take. Nice. Have a good one, my friend. How fast can you get the Planned Parenthood? That's my fucking take. Are you kids? I mean, is this lady going to have the kid?

She's going to have a kid with a fucking 24-year-old? Well, it's a geriatric pregnancy. she's probably like this is the last I don't know I wouldn't know I'm 18 so Um fuck dude

so I thought there was going to be some resolution He's just how do I help this kid I mean Yeah it sounds like Get him a fake passport Get him to Ecuador By the way

You're always like Sarah You're so sex negative Yes This is what happens Exactly. You've never been in danger of getting pregnant. My life. You've had sexes.

It's been like seven condoms have been worn. It's more likely that I will get to secular torsion than pregnant. Yeah, this is brutal stuff. This kid's so, so fucked. Okay. First of all, what do, what do, what? are they going to do here i guess she's going to have i mean we i suppose my hunch is that they're going to have the kid right otherwise what you do is tell him you'll pay for a fucking abortion

i mean what are we talking about here this is fucking insane he just started dating her and this is the problem look dating someone older you they're the one who's supposed to know not to get fucking pregnant like is he blasting inside this lady this poor fucking kid lady is the cougar in the relationship it's up to you are you trying to get knocked up by this kid i guess she was that's what i that's what i'm thinking is she wants to be pregnant fuck

i would say i mean look if this if if if if go ahead i mean what maybe they've talked about it look it seems like obviously you know uh it's her call what she wants to do here he can advocate for himself but maybe he even wants them again i don't fucking know i'm getting i'm putting my coastal elitist right eighth godless views uh i don't see it as a baby so sue me it's fucking it's a bunch it's a little j it's like jiz plus the first month or so you know what i

mean but anyway there's bones it's like yeah believe I'm the wrong guy for this conversation. People are going to get pissed at me. He did say the kid is freaking out, so it's not like the kid is like open, let it, let it come. Like, I think he's like, what the fuck am I going to do? Yeah, well, step one is you have to have a conversation with, I mean, this is great that we're fucking releasing this. He probably called it a month ago. It's coming out in a month and a half.

This kid's going to be, he's going to be hosting a baby shower by the time we fucking, this call comes out. But we will give advice in good faith. first things first you gotta have the so what's the plan conversation that's number one uh and if the plan is you know that we gotta we got to stop this

then you need to support that in any way shape or form you possibly can if the plan is I'm keeping the fucking kid I want to have this kid my he's just kind of fucked here and uh look at it like supporting him through any tragedy.

I mean, look, it'd be different if he'd be dating her for a while, but it's like getting someone you just started dating pregnant and she's older than you. Not that that really matters. It's really just the how that they're not in a serious, like, you want to have a kid with somebody you barely fucking know. Wait, she's 34, he's 24? He's 24? What is it? Yeah, probably more like 36, 37 based on the math, yeah.

I wouldn't date a 24-year-old. if I'm my age, which is much, much younger than 37. Yeah, I mean, that's insane. And it's like, even for her, it's like, lady, fuck this 24-year-old, get a couple, get some youthful dick up in you, but you're going to have a kid with him? How do you support him? I don't know. You just kind of support him anyway.

You got to be there for him. Financially, he's going to meet it. Yeah, I mean, help him get a fucking job. I don't fucking know, dude. It sounds like the caller's wife. is not in the loop. I think you got to... He sounds like he's on a walk. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. He's far away.

He can't, yeah, he can't have this. He can't take this call in his house. Yeah, I mean, the wife's, listen, he promised not to tell anybody we're past that. Yeah. This is not, this is like, let's get all fucking hands on deck. I may have overcorrected by opening the window. It's getting cold even for me, I think. Should I close it? Probably. Are you cold?

No, I'm like, everything hurts. Oh, okay. I thought you were, then we can keep it. Yeah, first of all, this is an all hands-on-deck situation. This is not a keep-a-secret from your wife because her little cousin is embarrassed. He nutted in a fucking 37-year-old he met, you know, at girls, wherever the fuck he met her.

I don't know. At his improv show, she was in the audience. You got to get her in the mix. You got to figure this out as a family. And, yeah, depending, I think you have to calm him down so he can rationally go through this. And the order of operations is, what are we going to do? You're going to have to be a big grandparent.

Yeah. And if the thing is we're keeping the kid, it's like, all right, well, get a job, start saving money. Also, you have to talk him through what he wants. He can say, like, look, I've liked dating you, but this is crazy. I'm fucking 24. I don't want to be a dad. If we want to do this, we should. And then he has to decide, does he stay with her?

Does he say, you know what? we can't be in a relationship I'll obviously help financially but it's like hey this is the rare time where it's like we had take him to court what are you going to fucking get what is the child support

going to be fucking $18 a month this fucking kid doesn't even use a college student or whatever the fuck he is or he works somewhere I don't know where he works but that's the thing dude you just got to walk him through it

and just manage his how bad he's freaking out because if I was that I was I've had some scares let's say we never got never got crazy but I remember in college, my college girlfriend thought she might be pregnant,

and I did not rise to the occasion. I was like, ah! I was like, no, no, I look and I think at that moment, she was like, my kid, this is over, this relationship's over. Like, that's how he deals with crisis. I was, I literally was, I was wearing a hoodie, and I was like, oh, I literally did that. I was like, oh, no. It didn't end up, it was just whatever.

She was just kind of paranoid. But I showed my true colors as a 21-year-old who was not able to handle that situation. And he probably can't handle this situation. So you just need to take his emotional blows so that he can now think as rationally as possible. Because he's going to need all his wits about him to get this to figure this out. My worst fear is that I'm pregnant. This is my recurring nightmare. You never want kids.

No. No. My recurring nightmare is I'm nine months pregnant. And I'm like, how did this happen? Even though that is kind of in a horror, in a body horror way, pregnancy is the most body horror natural thing possible. And then my body horror nightmare mine gives birth to the frozen ice baby with wires coming out of its head. Every time. How's that?

Interesting, interesting. And that's why you take a vow. You've taken a vow of celibacy. Exactly. For Christ. So, yeah. I'm sorry, brother. that's all you can do is just fucking be a sounding board,

help him work his way through the order of operations. And, yeah, get your, I mean, your wife needs to know about this. This is crazy. This is not like, this is not like, I smoked weed in your car. Can we get it detailed before she finds out? He might have a child. Dude, fuck. Yeah, that shows you how not prepared for having a kid he is.

He's like, don't tell my, don't tell my big cup. cousin he's worried about getting in trouble he's to be worried about the life he's about to bring into this world and how that's going to impact and you know what maybe he's going to like it that's the thing i was going to say either way is fine like he'll be because he has a kid sometimes i'm like damn if i would have if i could knock somebody up in my 20s i'd have a fucking 15 year old or some shit by now i'd be done parenting i would have done a bad job but i'd be done You know what I mean? Like, we go to, we'd be watching, you know,

we'd be going to 4 DX movies together by now. I'd be babysitting on tour. Oh, yeah. I'd be the greener. He would be our intern. He would be our intern. That would be awesome. Fuck.

Oh, shit. Should I have a kid? So we can have a free labor? Real immigrant shit. Have your fucking cute. So I can have an intern in 17 years? Yeah. Rich men can do whatever they want.

it actually is you could have a kid it wouldn't even affect you at all i know i actually was thinking about i remember when i was in my mid-20s because my mom was like when are you going to get me i was like listen you want a kid i can get you kid but you're going to i literally like do you want to raise like i'll get you kid you got a raise and she was like no she's like no i'll help with it but yeah sorry dude i don't know we've exhausted ourselves here uh good luck but yeah it's basically how does he handle it going forward is he prepared he's probably not prepared to be a dad if he's if that's what's on the table and does he really want to stay with this woman and if not figuring out what his life looks like where he can kind of be a co-parent to a you know a cougar get him a patron subscription

he can call it yeah gift him a patreon subscription he can call in and get get him be a part of the discord we can help him sort it all out yeah um he could start pretending like he's mentally ill to her. You should be like, hello? Oh, oh, I'm sorry. Jack got out of his home.

Oh, no. Did you? He can pretend to be sane for a little bit, but just convince this woman. For two and a half months or ever long I've been dating? He's got about two and a half months

before the schizophrenia kicks in. Oh, yes. We've just institutionalized him. Yes, yes. Oh, well, I'm sorry you had to find out this way. I'm glad you're not with his child. I mean, his jizz is rotten, and the kid will come out,

you know, whatever. You could do that. You could try and say he's mentally unstable, or they have some kind of rare genetic disorder that will get passed down. Right. You know, that's something you could lie to this lady about. But either deceit or supporting him through this. Those are your two options.

Next question, Eldis. Steve, Davy, eldest, and guests. Thank you. So I have a smiling sibling. Smelly sibling. They're 40 years old. 40. And have developed a bad habit a pretty long time ago of not caring about personal hygiene.

Good Christ. Or maybe not realizing that they smelled. They would take off their shoes in the house and you can smell their foot odor right away. They kind of smell like body odor and incense. um so my husband and i are going to go out of town for four days and my sibling who lives about four hours away is going to come help my parents who we just live down the street from to take care of our kids and our dog while we're gone oh but gets in the so i thought i'd offer up our house for my sibling to stay in so it won't be too chaotic in my mom's tiny house and

everyone should have their own bed um my dad is a lot and And so I just thought that my sibling would appreciate sleeping somewhere else. They're super sweet. They've always offered to let us stay with them anytime we go visit over there. They're very considerate and caring and giving, and I just want to be that way to them, even though I've always been pretty meticulous with my things and I'm like super clean and kind of type A person. so I just talked to my husband about it and he says he doesn't want them to sleep over there because of the smell and he doesn't want them to sleep in our bed or really anywhere in our

house because it'll smell like my sibling when we get back so my question is do I tell them that they can stay at our house but they have to like shower before bed or sleep in our son's room um what the fuck you have to tell your sibling to shower when we're not there um or should i just not even mention it knowing that they may have a hard time being over my parents altogether for four days this is nothing all right thank you this has nothing to do with where this person is staying you just have to tell their sibling that they stink yeah i mean what are we talking about they smell so bad that your husband is saying look but here's the other thing they're doing you a favor right like how bad does someone have to smell like what's it really worth

you're getting child care you're getting somebody looking after your parents it's like he can change the sheets like okay i get it you're your non-binary gutter punk sibling is going to have their fucking rescue golden retrievers that they never bathe with bandanas on stomping around through your house and you're like I don't want they take their Doc Martins off

and there's fucking green stink lines come on their fucking socks right she said incense but she said body odor and incense but she didn't say anything else besides that yeah yeah and so that's me this is me this is what I think is going on right because I know plenty I have some pals that are this type of person

You know, we've seen them, you know. It's a, it's, it's, it's crazy. We could have been that energy. We. Thank God for Pachulet, thanks God. But yeah, I mean, I kind of agree with you where it's like, this is about telling your sibling the fucking pain. It has nothing to do with.

They're 40. They're fucking 40 years old. Also, if you're not going to do it, if I was walking around all my life with spinach in my teeth and my fucking brother didn't tell me there was spinach in my teeth that's my brother yeah yeah I know this is crazy and like you gotta have have you had this conversation have you never had this conversation maybe they have a disease

either way I mean look I'm of the opinion that if someone is coming over to do child care to watch your your kids to watch your parents you're not going to let them stay at your fucking house or here's what you could do you want to know the King Solomon's way pretend you're getting your fucking house fumigated

and get them a hotel like if you're worried about if you're worried about them your parents being too much because at the end of the day now this would be different if they were begging you to crash or something

then you could be like look my husband and don't even blame my husband because you should feel this way too this is crazy if they were asking you for a favor this would be different they are doing you a favor so i think you do owe it to them to make their experience that you're while they're doing you this favor pretty good also you owe it to them to have a stink intervention yeah you owe this person they stink tell them yeah yeah oh but i guess i'm operating like they don't know maybe they

know if they know that's a whole other also big problem right but it doesn't get them out of it's like you can't fucking like you can't bring like okay if somebody's coming over to my house and they just leave a bunch of garbage there and it smells like garbage i'd be like looking at me that's you can't i'd be like that's fucked up you can't do that right if if the odor's coming from their fucking armpits or whatever their feet it doesn't matter where the odor comes from you can't come to my house and make it smell like shit right but yeah you have to look the Coward's way out is get them a hotel or an Airbnb, make some excuse up about your house, whatever.

The real, the, but you should talk to them about this. If not now, when? This is crazy. And like, why are you on eggshells around them about this? You know what I mean? It's like, like, that's the thing. Like, there's something deeper here. Right.

Because you should be able to, like, my brothers come to my fucking house and smell like shit. I'd be like, fucking shower or get the fuck out of my house. That's what I would say. I mean, well, stinking bad is also like a sign of like deep mental illness, whatever. But also

you trust them enough to fucking watch the kids. To do this shit. So it's like they're probably just, look, I have had friends who don't fucking bathe that much or who are sort of like, who like live in a weird warehouse. Stop looking at me. Not you anymore. They cleaned you up. They fucking de-laussed you at NBC. 30 rockets like a prison movie. They're like

spread your cheeks. they're putting fucking powder on you and fucking hosing you down with a fire hose Put on this blonde wig when you talk to Lorne Change your underwear Put on this aeropostal Sweater When you talk to the executives

But yeah Those are your two I think we gave you two good options If you're a coward Get them a hotel or some shit Make an excuse But at some point You have to reckon with

Why you won't tell your sibling They smell like fucking dog shit and you should you I agree you you owe it to them to tell them frankly next question L dunce Hi ladies so I need a bit of advice

I guess like Ari do you get my old teacher from high school is like trying to fuck or is he just being friendly um so this morning I was doing my Instagram DMs from this man who used to be my history teacher when I was in high school he's getting a little naughty down under

How about How about I take a pass at your pusso? Can I suck your pussy redo? I keep going. I was in high school. I also used to babysit his kids when I was like 15. And that was like over 10 years ago. I'm like 25 now. He's probably now in his late 30s

slash early 40s. So he recently got a divorce from his wife. And I feel like he's going through some kind of He moved countries and he happened to move to the country that I've moved to. And then he's messaged me this morning like, Hey, do you still live in inside city? I'm in town and I was wondering if you'd like to meet at my hotel. And now I'm wondering like why the fuck would he have to meet at a hotel.

Straight to a hotel? I'm wondering like why the fuck would he ask to me to the hotel. So I've got like a triple thread of BPD, bipolar and autism. And the autistic part of my brain is wondering that I'm misreading. into the hotel thing. The normal part of my brain tells me, so I've got like a triple threat of BPD, bipolar and autism. And the autistic part of my brain is wondering if I'm misreading into the hotel thing. No. The normal part of my brain tells me that I think he's got like bad or like sexual intentions. But then the BPD part of my brain just like craves attention and male

validation. And I'm kind of like giggling and kicking my feet. So I guess my questions are one, is there any scenario where he wants to like platonically meet at his hotel and who would it be terrible of me to go? Yes. Well, why? It's not terrible. No!

Yes, Sarah's like, Sarah's dreaming of that fucking history teacher smoking a fucking smoke, making her pubes smell like hickory. That's a nice Snoopy tire you're wearing there. It would be a shame to see it on the floor. Why would she not go?

Um, okay, here's the thing. The, here you're out, basically, okay, let's, let's address what she's saying. One is, her, English, her, is it innocent, no, absolutely not. Right. But is it, is it grotesque because it's clear that when he was her teacher, he was horny for a teenager? I think that's the problem. Right. That's the problem is that, right.

He saw her as a, she babysat his kids. Right. And it's, and also, it's not. But she's a grown-up now. Here's the thing. It's not like they bumped into each other. Right. And they got to know each.

He was like, apparently they've moved. He's like, I'm in this city. Like, if it was more of a meat cute, maybe. But there is something to. God, this is just so my fantasy. Being someone's teacher and then fucking them later does sound hot. I'm not, I'm not, don't get me wrong. I would love if like one of the teachers, I'm trying to think if there's a teacher.

not really nobody really comes to mind who's the hottest teacher well I could see anyway I could see a scenario where this would be awesome right right but yeah in terms of what you're in for it's like it's a very interesting tug of war between

BPD and fucking autistic here but look go ahead girl wild out it could be strange and messy is my only thing You know what I mean? Right. And listen, if you want to get dick down and you're clear to this guy, you're like, this is it. I don't, I just, this is also a fantasy for me in a weird fucked up way.

Right. Yeah. Do you not get enough? I guess he is a pedophile. No, he's not quite. It's just weird. I mean, he may be, but did he want to fuck her when she was 15? Probably.

And that's not great. But he's not making the move until she's an adult. And he's divorced. Maybe he's, she's like the one, because she was the, like he doesn't know any women. No, that's not what's going on here. What's going on here is this guy got divorced and immediately is like, who are the top 10 girls I taught that I want to fuck? Hmm, who are easily accessible to me and I can DM. And by the way, hotel is a wild move.

Also, did he hunt her down to the city that she's like? Who knows, right? We don't know. But also it's like he didn't ask you to get. Dinner. You can eat dinner at a hotel, drinks. Probably like a hotel restaurant. Meet right at the hotel is a particular, it's a move.

Maybe a little room service. Yeah. It's a move. Hey, I'm not knocking it. I can't say, I don't know. It's not something in my personal arsenal. But I do think you're making your intentions very clear when you're like, let's meet at my hotel. I feel like we are, when did she call about this?

Because I feel like this is like happening right now. It doesn't matter. Pretty recent, it doesn't matter. Okay. That's what he was talking. I feel like this is like an imminent. Like, I want to know. What happens?

Yeah. Yeah, give us an update. I actually would like the update. But look, here's the thing. Because I want to know if you like meet up with him and you're like, oh, he is, oh, yeah. Like, you are a pedophile. Well, that's, the thing about it that's fucking weird is he taught her when she was 50. And she babysat his kids.

Like, listen. If she went to the high school, he taught. taught at and they randomly bumped into each other. No, he hunted her now. It's still weird. I wouldn't think that's, but also it's like I see it from both sides. You're just talking about how you wanted to fuck your teacher. This was like,

this is my ultimate fantasy. Yeah, I think it's a lot of, I think it's, I think it's plenty of people's ultimate fantasy in a weird way. It's that teacher they wanted to fuck as youths. But it's, it's really up to you. You know, do you want to do this? What does she say? She's bipolar, autistic.

And BPD, which is a hell of a cocktail quite the cocktail I do I bet it might be perfect I bet it goes crazy I bet that push it goes

insaneo gay birds I mean that's quite the trio right there if you do go to the hotel I bet he's

going to get some pretty good head you have the precision of an artist with the insanity of a BPD girl

and bipolar I think that BPD quadrant in her brain is throbbing like crazy it's glowing BPD plus autism

might be the perfect thing like that craft's the best head of all time if i had to guess if i had to guess it's possible right you wouldn't know you're a saint i wouldn't know i don't think i would know i mean i assume some bpd not that i'm doing a psychological screening we'll be checking the IDs at the door of your green room next door um anyway yeah listen he's definitely definitely trying to fuck you it's up to you if you want to or not I would say it's probably clean or not to. Because this is a strange.

This is just a weird move to immediately after getting divorced trying to, like, I don't know. I think she should. I could just hear it in her voice that she wants to. Yeah. But yeah, we're not going to. It's fully up to you. It's like, okay. And if I was in this position, I probably would.

If I had like a hot teacher who was like, milfed the fuck up and hit me up. Oh my God. You wouldn't waste a second. Of course not. So yeah, whatever. Fuck it. I don't care. I don't care.

You can fucking do it, whatever. What do I care? You're right. I'm being sexist about female pedophiles. If there was some teacher that looked at fat, 15-year-old meal was like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, I need to fuck that little butterball. I need to suck that little ass dick that I can see through his gym shorts. Oh, the way he's sweaty after gym when he comes into my class and his whole gray shirt is drenched except the nipples. That turns me on.

Has anyone from your past? like a teacher reached out to you? A teacher? Or like, has anyone slid? I don't think I've any bit from my past. Nothing I can think of. That's a great question. I'm kind of offended now.

Why isn't somebody, I'm up now? Why haven't you tried to suck me off? Like someone crazy sliding. No, nothing like that. You must have. My God. Of course. Yeah.

Just because women get treated that way. Of course. Who? What type of person? I'm thinking of like this was, I was older, but like the GM of the barbecue restaurant I worked at that fired me in front of everyone and humiliated me at the same restaurant where the fucking head chef told me to wear red lipstick like a whore. And it's just this fucking. Oh, you were like in your 20s? I was like a freshman in college. Yeah.

Yeah. And he hit you up recently? Oh, he slid. That's an awesome move for a guy who's probably still a gym. He's like a hundred. He's a hundred and he fired me in front of everyone, like a dog in the dirt on Christmas morning. On Christmas? No, but like, oh, God.

Metaphorically speaking. Yeah. No, I mean, I think, now that I think about it, there's been, there was like people that I went on like a date with who rejected me. Right. Who have reslid. How is it going? And I just have, I think, you know, one of them I actually, I actually fucked up. I meant to DM her back.

Tell her, tell her. He's about to, he's going to DM you back. Hey, hit me up again, that one girl I wanted to date with, and I kind of blew it. I just, I remember, it was like the most cowardly, it could have been a turning point. And, like, it was, I just moved to New York. And she was hot, too. She was like, she was half Greek, which I like, because it's like Greek enough. Okay.

But not fully Greek. what I mean. Like, I don't need the whole, you know. She was cool. I liked her. And I was just, and I think I actually did a pretty good job on the day. It was the first time I went out with like a hot woman in New York when I first moved

to her. And I was like, against all odds, I'm doing pretty well here. And I just bitched out on kissing her at the end of the night. And it was, and like now 100%, it was just a, it's a home run. Sure. And I just know the moment. And literally, I talked about it in therapy. And my therapy was like, why didn't you kiss her?

And I was like, that's not what I'm fucking looking for, you piece of shit. He was like, oh, are you fucking literally. It was the most animated I've ever seen him. He was like, oh, are you serious? Why didn't you kid? I was like, I don't know. And then I'm like pathetic. And I'm the one with the crazy therapist.

Well, you go to fucking therapy eight times a week. We didn't even get into it this time. That's well-trod territory on Stavvy's World. Oh, but something to file away from our upcoming interview. Yeah, we're taking this relationship to print. folks. Watch out for that or actually I saw priority come out.

Yeah, you've already seen it interview magazine. We get a great job. It's already happened. Couldn't get anyone else. Oh, it's going to be you guys. That's awesome. Yeah, that's cool.

It's going to be us. Sabrina Carpenter said no. She asked every host this season. They all said no. Nicky was like, oh, I got a right for the golden globes I got to get ready for. Glenn Powell was like, he called you Veronica. He was like, I can't do it, Veronica.

Sorry. Well, I showed everyone on the screener. First, everyone agreed. And then I showed. showed them the screener and they went, oh, my God, the craziest thing just happened. I, my basement flooded. Like, and I just can't even plug in. I don't have a computer charger, so I can't watch the, yeah.

Yeah. My phone exploded. It's so funny that they're like, we have to do it over Zoom, but it's like, we're doing this right now. Like, we could do it. Anyway, who cares of fuck. Zoom, I'm not going to Zoom with you. That's what my, that's what an email says.

said. We could do it whenever. Zooming with you. The indignity of zooming with style. Jesus. Relax. Welcome to my office. You're really scraping the bottom of the barrel. What happens if I say, no, motherfucker? You're begging Connor. And Connor's like, I got a baby. I can't

fucking do it. God, is it good idea. Yeah. So, uh, yeah. Give us another one, L.D. Hey, Stavs. Hey, Eldis. Hello, a guest. Thank you. Basically, my problem is that I am a straight man, but every single person that I meet assumes that I am gay.

Okay. And I would like them to stop thinking that. I think part of it is like presentation stuff. Like, I dress pretty well. Like, I take care of myself. I go to the gym and room and, like, I make sure I'm clean and smell nice. and all that. And I'm all to like...

She's like a guy that appears gay but is straight. My dream. He dresses well. A straight guy that appears gay and can't stand up for myself. Hello. And I'm nice and all that. And I'm also like, I feel like I'm pretty polite and like relatively mellow in my day-to-day interactions. And I'm not trying to like fuck everything that moves all the time.

which I think is also a part of it like I don't know do like I have the gay voice or something like is that are you picking that up no a little bit anyway I try to alter things that's the problem you're not a reliable all your friends are the gayest guys

of all time they're cool right but this guy seems like a Midwestern gay guy this guy seems like a gay guy who fucking shops a target he doesn't have I'm not clocking gay boys I'm telling he's got a little pinch Keep going, let's finish up Anyway, I tried to alter things I've tried to dress like more

Blue collar Blue collar I'm butching it up I'm wearing overalls with no shirt underneath I bought some car heart pants I knew it! I know I was going to say that No that's gay now dude

and shit and then all the gay started buying fucking car heart pants and wearing them so now I'm kind of

I just don't know what to do basically I want to know how I can look straighter we're also not sacrificing any of

like I need a visual age I know I would love to look at him too much can you call these people back

I feel like I just have the picture of this well first of all straight George we have a friend who has this

to a T he sounds a little gayer than this guy got a big, wet mouth. I think there's, he's got, you know, he's nice, he's kind, he smiles a lot. I think he's like basically, he's, he's stunning is what he's saying. Probably, yeah, he's probably a handsome guy.

Gorgeous. He's, he's probably good looking. I think like it's more that he's clean cut. He's polite, he's clean cut and he's not like horny. Maybe he combs his hair crazy or something. I just think, here's the thing. West Hollywood gazed, like, jealous. comb their hair in a very specific way.

Maybe he's doing a hair thing that he doesn't know is gay. It's just some guys have this. Yeah. There's just no way around it. I think it means he's just like he's stunning. And no one could believe that he's straight. Because he's so perfect. I don't think it's bad.

And our friend, Straight George, a lot of people think he's gay. Can I see a visual aid? Straight George? Sure. By the way, you have some text messages to attend to. Elders? Oh, shit. For me? No. But look, dude, this isn't bad. No, you're gorgeous. That's what it sounds like.

Let me see. Yeah, here he is. But yeah, it's like, how do you seem straighter? This motherfucker didn't even put pictures of him. That's him. It's him with his girlfriend. That's his girlfriend. I think visually you don't say you really have to hear straight George's voice. Yeah, it is about.

Because I think this guy's a different flavor where he's probably just like clean cut or something. He's just throwing like a, you know, he's probably fit wearing like a button down shirt into some neat chinoes. Some of those boring like. Elders is getting hard. Some of those like describing his dream man. Just some of those like brown pleather shoes kind of thing with a white stripe on the bottom, the white sole or whatever. You know what I mean? That's what I'm seeing in this guy.

It's like a type. He's really fit. That is often guys who are visibly very fit. I always think he's gay. It's possible. But look, I just think, yes, gay guys are wearing Carhart. Do you want to dress a little shittier? I guess if you want to.

I don't think this is a bad thing, though. I think he's not telling us something that he, like, waxes his chest or something. I don't know. Just looking at his chest, though, day to day. Maybe he's walking around in a Los Angeles apparel deep V. I'm walking around a tank top. I'm very, but. I'm clearly a heterosexual man.

That's a different thing. You go, you go a different, you turn, you go on the other end of the spectrum of like, so straight you could do the gay shit of all time. So straight at the Sajuan restaurant that he's got to strip down to his tank top because the chicken too spicy. I'm sweating. And by the way, it's like, well, I let a guy suck me off, I guess. You know? So how to appear more straight? I don't know.

I think this is good. I think you can use this to your advantage. I think, like, people, yeah, being a nice guy, like, why is this a problem, I guess, is my question. What's really negative here? I don't know. And is there a way to, yeah, go get one of our... Food?

No. No. Starving. Damn, sorry, bro. I don't know. I think, like, how do appear straighter? You could dress a little shittier. You could just get, like, fucking Levi's instead of Carhart.

You could just wear, like, t-shirts. But also, you might just be a guy who seems gay, and that's okay. Women are going to trust you more. You know, will gay guys sit on you? Okay, maybe, but you can just tell them. That's a confidence booster. Yeah, that's a compliment. I just think this is your cross to bear.

And in terms of crosses, it ain't so bad. I would say to appear straight or just be sloppier. Just care less about what you look Maybe get some facial hair growth Going that's not manicured Of like people who work out To make their arms look better You can just work out

To not Not do that Listen the guy who got it We know he hasn't just changed his workout regimen No but I work out all the time You can't tell And that's because What do you do

Run as fast as I can as fast as I can just so it all it's all far behind me it's all gone away it's just me in the open road but it's like you can't tell because I'm not doing

like he's doing like vanity exercises maybe look I don't know but I just think he shouldn't have to change you're like don't change a hair on your change he shouldn't have to change the way how ripped he is

to appear straighter I would just say if you want to if this is a problem for you dress sloppier I think he should be himself because like the thing is like there are women out there too who are like attracted to I don't know I keep on this clean cut thing but they are yeah you could you could bag of Sarah out there oh boy I love yeah stop working out

get fed of shit where we're like NFL team apparel only be the quarterback of yeah football team dude I don't know what's so bad about about looking gay, dude. It's good. People think you're gay. Awesome. Everybody loves gay now. It's like the thing everybody loves.

From his message, I think like, okay, one thing you should change. It sounds like you are a pussy or you're worried about like being a pussy or something. He's like, I guess I'm pretty nice. It's like, you know, do you need some more, is it a self-confidence thing or something? Some more eldest Sula style masculinity. Exactly. You better pray everybody thinks you gay. Yeah.

If you want an ounce of respect in this universe, you better pray in your hands and fucking gay knees that everybody thinks you're gay. I say stick with it. You could be so lucky. I say stick with it. It's nice to be gay. Women will trust you more. And that's how you get them.

And that's how you get them. You can manipulate them. You can manipulate them. All right. We got to go. They're like texting. The episode's over. Fuck you.

I love my phone in a different room Well, we have to do another episode Do you want the quick to go? No, let's get no Okay So the episode's over All right Fuck Sarah, go watch your special on HBO

You have to watch it You do have to watch it You do have to watch and like I said If you don't like it Unsubscribe And email them letting them know Specifically because of her special If you like the special

Take a screenshot Of your favorite moment Send it to me Explain why I'll make a scrapbook I will I like it I believe leave you.

Do that. Tell me what you like about it. Yeah. Tell your friends what you like about it. Don't play the Greek music over it. Play the Greek music. Fade her out. It's over.

Go watch the special. Bye.