Stavvy's World - #169 - Eric Andre

Episode Date: February 23, 2026

Eric Andre joins the pod to discuss who gets toilet privileges at his home, watching awesome Ebaums World videos as a kid, his crazy friends from his childhood in Florida, the surprising massage he got in Taipei, Lenny Kravitz's dad, and much more. Eric and Stav help callers including a man whose off-grid oasis has been overrun by trashy YouTubers in RVs, and a woman whose boyfriend asked her to pay for his BBL with money she got from a lawsuit settlement.     Follow Eric Andre on social media:   https://www.instagram.com/ericfuckingandre https://x.com/ericandre https://www.tiktok.com/@ericandre   https://www.youtube.com/@BombingWithEricAndre     ☎️ Want to be a part of the show? Call 904-800-STAV and leave a voicemail to get advice!   🎟️ See Stavvy live on the Dreamboat Tour 🛥️💕!!! https://stavvy.biz/ for tickets   ‼️ Bonus episodes every week! Unlock exclusive, Patreon-only episodes at https://www.patreon.com/stavvysworld Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Opa! Welcome everybody to Stavvy's World 9-04-800-stop. Call in. We'll solve all your problems. On the couch today, very happy to have Eric Andre. Hey, everybody. What's up? Welcome Hollywood, Tinseltown. That's right. You Tinseltown TikTok types are the talk of the town.

Dude, that's so true. Drinking your Hollywood hot dog hogwash. That is fucking true as fuck. How's show biz, baby? You're looking at it. Welcome to the new temporary Lower East Side headquarters of Stave Baby Enterprises. Nice. We are between studios. I need a new calendar.

I need a 2026. I might have one for you right here. We got to find it through all my. I'm moving for the folks at home, but I will get you 12 pictures of my butt cheeks. Right the fuck now. Yeah, we're all struggling here. We're going through a snow. I got snowed in here.

There's nothing here. depressing. It's the most depressing, like, divorced man's apartment set up right now. Like, it feels like my, I was just, my wife just left me for a more beautiful man. Yeah. And I've got nothing. You're living like fucking Lee Harvey Oswald. Yeah. This is a CIA flop house. This is Derek Shobin right before he went to jail.

This is that motherfucker with the garage in Vegas. This is what his apartment looked like. Oh, God. But with way more. Stephen Paddock. This is Stephen Paddock's sweet at the mirage. And the only picture they had of him. was him like doing a shot of fucking Jack Daniel.

It's like, seems like a cool guy. From what I can see, he seems cool. Seems chill. You don't know his side of it. Oh, yeah, so we're, I'm fucking struggling. I fucked my backup. You gave me a book to read that should solve. Yeah, John Sarno.

People know there's Sarno heads out there. Shut up to fucking Sarno, baby. Shout out to John Sarno. Howard Stern's a bigger Sarno fucking head. Yeah. So is Larry David. Now, Howard Stern likes him. It's about back pain.

Does it teach you how to suck your own dick? Yeah. It teaches you how to remove your ribs. It's co-written by Marilyn Manson. And then you can suck your own dick. If your back got limber enough, could you suck your own dick even with the, now you've got a nice piece.

Could I? Could I? You got a nice piece? You seem like a limber guy? I don't think I could reach it, but I've never tried to suck my own dick. Were you ever like a thin kid or anything like that? I was a very thin kid.

Yeah, that was a fucking little fucking string bean. So you might have it, but you never attempted to suck you suck. No, no, no. I was fucking eating fruit. by the foot and gushers and shit. I wasn't doing this fucking perverse. It didn't even occur. Yeah, no.

It's fucking perverse. Well, I mean, you're rubbing your dick all the time when you're a little kid. You know, I'm like watching Baywatch and rubbing my fucking dick against the fucking, but I would steal my dad's silk boxers and like rub my dick and watch fucking Jenny McCarthy unsingled out. The silk boxes are a nice touch, dude. Was that when you're treating yourself? Yeah.

Well, yeah, I don't know. I was, you know, you're fucking 10. So you're like, ah, you know, wild chimpanzee. It's fucking disgusting. So, um, And your dad was a silk boxers guy. I know. I think he just had like one random pair of soapboxers that I stole and fucking nutted all over.

Shit sounds like fucking Velcro coming off the floor. It's like a disgusting. I love the creepy best of boys coming of age. I love the specific jerk off shorts. That's awesome. I think I still do. I have like the three lightest like shirts that are the jizzrag jerk off. I'm fucking my.

pillows. I still fuck my pillow. Yeah, yeah, I fuck my pillow. Because I'm kind of like, you're not, you're kind of like simulating the fucking sex. Yeah, yeah, it's weird. This is interesting to me because I just feel like that to me is childish behavior, no disrespect. Yeah, well, fuck your pillow. You're not, you're out of your mind while you're jacking off. You're not like, hey, okay, I'm fucking kind of fucking solve it. E equals MC squared. You're like completely out of your mind. So you're, on your fucking orangutan that escaped a zoo. state.

Yeah. Of course. I'm going to fuck my pillow. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. Well, you're thinking clear thoughts when you're jacking off.

I'm not thinking clear thoughts. You're like, oh, you're reading E. E. Cummings. You're like, oh, interesting. I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that. Not horny.

I just feel like the pillow. The pillow feels like such a to do. No, no. My hand. I'm like kind of jerking up. And then I'm like, you know, if there's like a sock or a shirt to the pillow.

I'm kind of like fucking rubbing it all around. You got to get it out. You got to get it out. You got to get it out. You got to get it over with. So whatever it takes, by any means necessary. I'm the Malcolm X of jerking off. That picture.

By any jeans, unnecessary. That picture where he's got the gun and he's looking at just you holding a pocket pussy. Yeah, he has to be a fucking fleshlight. See, to me, that feels like you'd be a candidate for fleshlights if you're a pillow fucking. Maybe. Or my pillow. My pillow guy. My pillow.

Who's a patriot. Mike Lindell. Who made the country greater. The country's great again. I don't know if you noticed. I have noticed. They did it. It's great.

What if the pillow? What if the secret of the my pillows? And it's just an okay pillow. But it's awesome to fuck. Yeah. I hope it's both. What if that's it? I'd be fucking, my apartment would be sky high with my pillows.

Sticky ass my pillows. Beautiful respect. Well, we need to also address before we get into it. Every time I jerk off to porn on my phone, I'm like, there's like a Russian fucking KGB guy like watching me. Right? Probably. And the thing is he doesn't see your dick

He just sees your eyes I think if I had to pick I'd rather see a random guy's cock Than his gaze Then his jack off stare Oh, nightmare I think if I had to pick It's like all right

A cock's a cock But that disgusting look in his eyes Sunkin eyes That hunger Those fucking yeah Horrendous We should look This is obviously about you Eric

And we're very happy to have you here But we should address Eldis This is day two full, two full days in this apartment. Eldis takes his first shit, immediately clogs the bathroom. Disgusting.

Immediately clogs the bathroom. It was after the first couple flushes. Let's start there. So it's not like, you know, it's not like a crime scene in there. It's just some clear water still, but...

Clear water, no shit particles? No. Well, you shit. There's not like turds floating around. You know, there's always bacteria and stuff, of course, but... There's always bacteria.

Okay. The bacteria... $1 every time I fucking hurt that, brother. So is the water up high? What do you mean? There's no shit. It won't flush clean. I think...

Bring one of those cameras in there. Let's see what we're cooking with. I think by the end of this episode, the water will be pretty low and it'll be safe to try another flush to follow up and see if... But the water is at the top of the bowl right now. It was about... It was like maybe a little past halfway, so I don't want to risk it when it was like that. But, you know, we'll get a plunger in here sooner, sooner later.

Okay. We'll get to the bottom of this. What was this? a particular, this is just something we need to know with you. Because if this doesn't even feel like it was a run of, this feels like a run of the mill shit. You might be banned from shitting in my apartment. No, no, no. Well,

I don't let, yeah, I don't let anybody shit my apartment. That's crazy. I don't want to go down, you go outside on the street. You shit in the sewer. Look, get the fuck out of my house. I don't want to. My mom, okay, she's 81. Your mom is the only person just got the shit past? Yeah, what the fuck? I'm going to kick my mom

out, but yeah. Guys, no man is coming over. Women can shit. Women can shit. my house, of course. Small women shits. Yeah, like, women shitting is fine because they're fucking respectful about a man shitting. It's like, goddamn rhinoceros, loose. I'm with you. Actually, you know what?

If I had my druthers, I would not allow a man to shit in my apartment. Yeah. Men should not shit in order. Maybe this is over. Maybe you... Men got to go downstairs or outside. The shit has to go away. I respect that, actually.

And that's gentlemanly of you as well. Now, is there a woman who you'd be like, you know what I mean? Like, maybe a bigger girl. Maybe a friend of yours who you know is small, but maybe she eats a lot of protein. Give me like small weightlifting friends. And you're like, I know she's going to rock my shit with those. All my small weightlifting friends.

You have any. All my female bodybuilder friends. That is true. You know, you're making a good case. I guess you don't really run in those circles. Well, it's not true. I mean, who's your most jacked female friend, would you say? I don't know.

That's a great question, right? That's just, I'm stumped. I don't know. Because there's so many. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I could see being randomly friends with like someone who does like aerial yoga. You know what I mean? Some bit,

some like lady on a fucking ribbon. Oh, she's doing like the fucking housey, yes, the box kind of shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can tell me you have it like befriended a Cirque do so late light.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm running those circles. Who would be friends with one of those. I'm not let her dig a shit in my house. I'll tell you that. Okay.

So we found. Yeah. Dad, I draw the line. A man has boundaries. I can only be so many things to so many people. I get that. You're right, man. I'm going to sell this.

I think you might have lost your shitting in my house. Well, look, I don't want to point the finger, but you need to get someone up here to check out the water pressure. Wow. That toilet is not going fast. Listen, Val, this is what this apartment has to. offer. Okay. And by the way, I'm fat as shit. I've shit a couple times. I took some pretty hefty Indian food shits this weekend. Because how I got to the snowstorm America is I just bought

$120 of Indian food and rationed it for the weekend. That was my equivalent of like... It's not like we live in the medieval times. The supermarket was open. Yeah, but I hurt my back. You know, it's hard for me to walk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I had to really, I had to make some chicken Tanduri, some lamb, Rogan Josh, some fucking Joe Rogan. Lams. Some Joe. Yeah, yeah. Some fucking curried

elk meat. What else did I get going? Chickpeas and the grilled tandori chicken. A couple of rice is. You know what I'm saying? A samosa. Made that last three days. That's it. That's it. That's it.

What else is that at the supermarket? What other foods are at the supermarket? This is about truth, Eric. I'm not stretching. I get it. We're on truth social. And we are sponsored by truth social. Retruth this episode with Eric Andre. We're happy.

We're happy. We've switched from serious to truths. We're a truth social original now. Stavi's World is moving to Rumble. Rumble the boxing, Jim? No, it's where you could just be right. You can just say the N-word. It's like the racist YouTube, basically.

They're like, YouTube is too libed out. We can't even say straight slurs. So Rumble exists now. So we're on Rumble. I gotta get on that Rumble. I think you'd actually have a good time. I think you'd have a good time on Rumble. Rumble is very...

Rumble does feel very Florida-coded, and you are a Florida boy. Yeah, that's right. You know? You must have fucking... You must have had some fucking... What's the crew looking like in Florida growing up? Who are... Now they're almost all dead.

Yeah, really? All your childhood friends are dead. So many overdoses. For real. And I thought that was like the norm that most people like their childhood class clown friends. Of course. Like a class clown in Florida is just like a kid willing to like die for a joke. Right.

Right. Right. A kid fucking playing Russian roulette. Totally. Totally. Isn't this fucking funny? Totally. Totally.

Butterfly knives in school and shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Pantara shirt. Fuck yes, dude. I love that shit. Phil Ensemble.

May he rest in peace. Yeah. He died too. I think he did, right? It's Time Bag Darrell. Or a dime bag, Darrell. Phil's still kicking? Oh, yeah.

He's still getting. Stronger than ever. Sorry, Phil. That's fucking. So you're, you were the, are you saying you're like the tamedest in the crew? I was, that's insane. I was. If you were like the fucking well-balanced one in your group.

No, my friend Alex was like chasing these kids and threw a little hatchet through the back of their car window and then landed like an inch deep in there. thing he's like whatever they cut me off dude while I was driving like he was fucking totally crazy he was totally crazy he would eat adderall all morning and eat oxycod all night he didn't last long he didn't last long burn bright burn bright burn bright yeah he would like bathe and like he would do acid and bathe and

toothpaste okay and his skin would be burning and he'd be like ah he'd go he'd be on acid he'd be like if god exist fuck you we've got exist, fuck you. And he'd be like, Ha! Alex is crazy, dude. That was the class clown.

That's what a fun goof was. That's fucking awesome, dude. Our class clowns are like G.G. Allen. That's fucking awesome. Yeah. I was one of the funniest guys just for like repeating shit I heard on the Anchorman commentary. That's what was like the being,

that was being funny. Call someone gay. You know what I mean? I mean, Baltimore 2004, dude. Cue someone of being gay. Later, turns out he is gay and you feel bad. John Waters. No, actually, I lost class clown to a closet of gay guy.

Who might be the funniest guys, right? Because, like, a closet of gay guy's got to be... Peter Thiel. In high school... Oh, yeah. They're on... They're on their... They're like on the offensive.

You know what I mean? Like, because they're funny. Yeah. Gay guys are hilarious, right? And they're also, like, got to keep... got to keep you off the scent. So they have to strike, call you fat, call you white. You know what I mean?

Really get your ass. No, no, I was white. Who was the guy? Was he black? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, black gay closeted. Oh, black gay closeted. Why do these lights need to be so bright?

Take that up with eldest, man. I don't know what to tell you. Is that really like, like there's a light, there's two lights per one camera. That's right. And you need three cameras. We have a pro set up, dude. It's just me and you hanging out of here. I think Aldeus is.

making up for shit clogging my toilet. Yeah, I had to crank them all off the way. Especially this light. This is like just lighting nothing. I think we're getting the backdrop maybe. You're getting the backdrop. It's blinding. It's like I can see like the veins in my retina pulsating like a renin stimpy fucking still.

See like cells floating in my fucking pupil. Yeah, we got the casting lighting set up. You're familiar with it's weird like going to countries or porn is illegal? Like in Korea and India, like, I would be like, Mara, right, get a jack off and go to bed. And it'd be like, no, you're not. I'm like, oh, come on, man.

Korea and India? Many countries, porn's illegal. Damn, dude. The South is like that where you have to go through, you have to like, England now is in London. They got to fucking, you got to fucking scan your face. It's fucked up, dude. Oh, yeah, France is doing that too. But that's more to, like, keep children, prevent children from watching it.

That's not like porn is illegal. That's crazy, dude. That's just like... You should be able... A child should be able... How's the boy going to become a man? A child should be able to watch pornography. I did.

I watched, like, snuff footage on E-bom's world. I would watch like, this woman was crushed in a fucking industrial factory by a fucking nightmare machine. One of her kids popped out. One of her kids popped out. Rotten.com and all that shit. I would destroy my mom's computer

downloading, like, fucking nightmare footage. This guy was run over my steam roller. I was doing my homework. I don't know why it's running so slow. I was on homework.com. Try to download like a JPEG of Jenna Jameson.

Of course. Coming across the top matrix printer. Oh, I got in trouble for just crushing a whole thing of ink on a picture of a Trish Stratus and you could see your nipples who are a white t-shirt. Why do you have a thing?

He had to think of ink, like a Ben Franklin quills. It was, you know, expensive toner and shit was, dude. That was probably like a fucking $40 picture of tits. Like Barandholz told me that when he,

like, he worked for the, the MTA of Chicago. Like, he worked for the bus station, like, basically. And,

like, it was like, gen one internet. He's like, dude, I'm going to print out Madonna's sex book. And he printed it out

He printed it out at work. And for God and his boss came back like, don't print this shit out in the fucking way. I'm going to Portillo's. I don't need this shit. I love it. It's like that's old internet where it's like the printer had like the little pieces of paper up top. Remember the little the dots?

Oh yeah. The circles. Yeah, yeah. Respect. So that's black and white. Respect. Shout out to Ike Baranholz, man, jacking off. Just jacking off in the fucking Chicago MTA.

Forgetting. Forgetting the sex books nuts. I remember every piece of. a year to download it. Four years to print it. So you were just a complete, you were an only child, I'm guessing? No, I have an older sister.

Oh, you have an older sister? Oh, but you were destroying the computer. My sister's eight years older than me, so she was already out of the house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. So, but when you're in your prime, so when I was like 10, she was off to college.

Nice. So then I was fucking, you know, destroying computers left and right. And were your parents just done, like did they, did parenting one child? take it out of them. They got divorced, like, right when my sister left. Like, when I was, like, 11 or 12.

Oh, so it was a real bummer that you're still around. Yeah. She's gone. We're divorced. We still got to figure out this fucking piece of shit. He's doing whippets. He's doing fucking whippets with a kid with fucking neck tattoos. I wasn't with the crazy kids at first.

Okay, okay, okay. In middle school, I started getting really hyper and crazy. So I was still getting, like, straight A's. And this must have been some, like, undiagnosed. ADD shit, right? Yeah, I don't probably. It is.

Knowing you, it is. You tell me you still don't know? You tell me everyone in your life hasn't told you? You fucking,

you were late because you went to the grocery store before the podcast. I was so hyper in school. I was crazy in school. So yeah, yeah. I was crazy in school.

Especially when I started pressing puberty, I was nuts. Oh, really? The puberty. And then, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

when the testosterone started growing. So I'm, I'm understanding why you're still fucking pillows. Yeah. This is like still when you get. I got my testosterone tested. When I turn 40, I'm 42. Nice.

And the fucking doctor goes, you're still like tonic testosterone. You're like a bull. Hell yeah. And I was like, hell yeah. So how's the estrogen? He's like, that's really high too. You got like tities and shit.

I was just hormoned up? I'm just like a sensual man of the earth. Huge pendulous. You're like, yeah. How's the titty? How are your titties? I have some nice titties. Are your tities?

Subble. Now, do you like, are they like sensitive? Do you like getting them, bitch? They're sensitive. If you're getting your dick sucked, are you playing with your nipples? I'm not not playing with any. You're not looking for it, but if it pops up, but if it happens. You're not telling anyone to stop.

It's kind of how I am with any sexual activity. I'm like, I didn't think that I was into that, but guess what? Turns out I am. Oh, yeah. I saw a clip. clip online where you were you talking about going to Thailand Oh yeah Taiwan

Taiwan So I went with my X X okay She's Taiwanese She wanted to surprise her dad And I wanted to go there He was giving you the massage

He was giving me the massage So he went to his massage parlor No So she And my friends The International Tea Master He's from Miami's This Cuban Stoner dude

And he goes to Taiwan Three times a year Tea Tea Master He's obsessed with tea. Sick. So Taiwan has the best tea in the world, right? Really? Okay, sick. All the tea culture, shit like that. Taiwan seems

awesome. I want to go. Yeah, yeah. So he's always there. So I was like, fuck, why don't you surprise your dad? I go hang out with, his name is Michael the Joach. Some fucking top-notchamom. Pooer. Hell yeah. Lapsong, sous shong. I'm drinking tea of the gods, right? And

that's what's awesome about you. You literally just mean I'm drinking awesome tea. Just tea. There's no... Juvenism. There's no metaphor like tea, like PG tips. Earl Gray. He's awesome at tea. I have a friend. He's the first Western. His joke is that I'm the first round I who won the international tea conference in Vegas every year. It's always like 200-year-old Chinese guys. We're coming for you guys. And he's just this like Miami Cuban stoner dude. Awesome. Amazing tea. So shout out to Michael. Okay. So you're in time. So I go to meet up with him.

And I'm dating a Taiwanese guy. Her dad lives there. So I was like, we'll surprise your dad So she's taking me around Taipei, we're drinking, we're having a fucking blast The food's amazing there And she goes, you know, it's like It's part of the culture to get To go to a massage parlor after a night of drinking

Not like a jackoff place, just like a fucking Total Burke Williams spa It's like a way to wind down after drinking I was like fucking awesome That sounds sick We go into this place It looks totally normcore fluorescent lighting

There's old people playing fucking mahjong I'm reading the paper in the front. It's three, four in the morning, maybe five in the morning. Yeah. And it's like men and women work there. It's bright. It's not all dark and like, you know what I mean? No blackout windows.

No blackout windows. It's not brothel at all. Yes. So I'm like, okay, we'll get a couples massage. And a massage there. And massage in America is like luxury, so it's really expensive. Massage there is like going to the grocery store. It's like 40 bucks for two hours.

Right. So we get a couple's massage. Same room. Same room. she's on one side she's a female therapist i'm on the other side i have a male therapist they put a little like a little dinky curtain like a little fucking airplane blanket between us sure totally normal getting a massage she's getting rub down i'm gonna row down then the guy starts getting fucking up in my spaghetti and meatballs and i'm phased down i'm not i'm not up here you the underneath he's going

he's just getting real fucking close and comfortable he's fucking going he's grazing he's grazing and i'm like fuck don't get a boner don't be gay don't get a boner do do do do do I get a raging heart on I'm like I'm fucking getting high tea bro I was like I and the high E both so I'm rock hard I'm like fuck dude this guy's like fucking give me a boner and I was like all right and my girlfriend and the other lady is right there I'm like fucking A so he flips me over and I'm like fuck you got to get your boner to chill you're like trying to get your boner to come down and And he starts fucking going all around fucking Bonertown. And what does this guy look like?

I'm like a heart. He's not attractive. He's like he's just like a schlubby. Doesn't seem like a, I mean, not did he anything. No, not. No, he was. He was kind of schlubby. He wasn't like, like he wasn't like.

Just a masseuse, a good masseuse. So I'm like, you know what? There's not a feminine about it. No, I know. He's not particularly like a feminine or feminine. So like ease. Any facial hair? Yeah, he's kind of got some scraps.

He's balded. He's got some visits. Sounds hot. So, you know, so he's like doing this thing. And then I'm like, and then he goes, and I'm fucking rock hard. I'm like, God damn it. And then I'm like. And I'm flipped over.

And I'm flipped over. I'm like pitching a 10. Fully pitching a 10. It looks like when you're like a ghost for Halloween. That's a little good, you know what I'm like? I'm like, fuck. And I'm looking at my girlfriend and she's noticed. And then he goes, and he speaks no English.

He just goes, it's okay. And I'm like, yeah, it's okay. What do you mean? It's okay. okay and he goes it's okay and i'm like yeah man i'm and in my mind i'm like if you're talking about jerking me off right now just fucking do it get it over with make sure the fucking girls don't hear because i've crossed my mind has already crossed the fucking point of no return i'm like just been hard for too long i'm like

get it out yeah get the poison out of course it's okay i'm like yeah it's okay it's okay like culturally i'm like maybe this is just maybe i'm thinking the wrong right he goes no it's okay it's okay i'm like yeah it's okay just shut the fuck up you know the girls in there, just get her forward. So I close my eyes. And then I feel like like a hot octopus, you know, on my dick. And I'm like, oh, dude, he's going to town.

He's like jerking me off. Then I look, he's giving me a fucking blow job full. He gets two sucks in. And I've never been jerked off by a guy, let alone get a blood job. So I'm like, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Like, it was like, no, and I knock on his head like a door.

Like, I'm like, oh, no, no, the girls. I was like, dude, maybe if, you know, So later I come back, she goes to sleep. She goes to sleep. I come through the back. We, you know, we fucking horse around a little bit. So he gets too full, like snurb, slurbing. Oh, no, dude.

And he's just like, he-he-he-ha-ha-ha-ha. And then, I'm like, oh, stress. I'm like, this is crazy. I have, like, a homosexual awakening. Of course. So then the massage finish is normal. They leave. You don't nut.

No, I don't know. I'm, like, back-t up. But I'm like, I'm like, fucking hysterics, you know? Yes. And I tell my girlfriend, I'm like. The surprise of this sucks. took you out of the moment. Maybe if the girls weren't there,

I would have just been like, all right, I'm in Taipei, maybe let's go. Let's take the if out of that statement. Let's go ahead. If it was a thicker curtain, you're probably getting to suck the completion, let alone if they weren't there. If it was sound dampening at all.

Like, duveteen or something. I'm like, fully blinkets. So, um, So the massage therapist leave And I tell my girlfriend, I'm like, dude, that guy just fucking Grubb, jerk me off and suck my dick.

She's like, she's like, what? I go, you told me this is part of the cultural thing. She goes, that's not what I, fuck. I'm like, dude, that guy sucked my dick. I'm not even fucking joking. And she's dying laughing. She's dying laughing. She's like, did you like it?

And I was like instantly cunty. I found out what kind of gay guy was. I was like, nah, he was pudgy. Yeah. I was like a bitch. But if he was hot. Hot. That's awesome.

But he was hot. I would have gotten like a better sound for me. And then like, the worst part was I walked out. And immediately my girlfriend goes off and goes to the bathroom. And her female therapist is long gone. It's just me and the dude in the hallway. Like, and I'm just like, you like sports? You make a chitchat out of it?

You want some tea or I got a tea guy here? Yeah, you hang out with him. He's in the crew. He sucks your friend off for some oolong. That was it. I had an homosexual awakening in Taipei. The rest of that trip, you're thinking about that guy sucking you.

You're at dinner with her dad. Oh, she was like, that's got to be in the back of the head. Oh, we were not the back of my head. At the front of my, we didn't stop talking about it, the whole fucking trip.

We're like, we got to hit that guy up. That's funny. Respect of that guy, too, for sucking dick in a couple's massage. You know, that's a fucking, he sent it.

He got a thrill out of that. That's a man living on the edge. That's wild. I kind of respect. I tip my cap to that man. Tiving a cap to you, sir. That's like fucking trying to get three stars on the mission. You know what I mean?

He's trying to be as gay and sneaky as possible. That's awesome, dude. Yeah, it was wild. You fucking, I'm always, I'm jealously you've traveled like a motherfucker. Yeah. Every time I text you, you're like, I'm in fucking Zimbabwe. Yeah, yeah. You're always somewhere cool.

Let's go to Greece. I would love to go to. Macedonia. I would love to go to Greece. I want to do a whole fucking road trip But I want to go somewhere Where did you just come back from you're in the fucking I was in Barbados, Dominica, Martinique and St. Lucia

Yeah, yeah, brother. Getting some fucking raise Yeah, brother, fucker. I swam with the fucking sperm whales Oh, nice. Yeah, speaking of sperm. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm saying with the sperm whales, let me flex some fucking sperm whale content.

Please show us some sperm whale content. I'm going to flex on you hard, my G. That is fucking awesome, dude. So you're just going, you're a beach bum. You're also, you took a fucking sick trip to Africa last year. Yeah, yeah. I'm going back. I'm going to a cocktail festival in South Africa. This is me and my friend made least.

Swimming with the fucking spruing. Bro, these whales, yes, and this, the eldest. You're so close to those fucking whales. Yeah. We were swimming right at them and they would just go, bloop. And they're just chill bros? They're just chill-ass bros. They're like sea cows. Holy shit, dude. That's fucking awesome. What's, is that the largest animal you've been near?

Yeah, it's a fucking whale. What's the lot? No, I was actually a fucking T-Rex. I went to Jurassic Park The Megalodon, dude The big ass shark That's fucking crazy Yeah

Yeah man Damn did you feel Were you just like that's a sick thing to do? No, it was beautiful Time so still I felt like I was on Mars man It was fucking gorgeous Is that what's your favorite trip you took

Or what's the wildest shit you saw Haiti was pretty wild And Um Wild doesn't like Like Like fucking There's no law

there kind of place. Haiti is like there's no laws. There's parts of the Philippines and parts of Brazil that I was like, this is fucking or not property. But, yeah, I'm scared of, I'm definitely scared of parts of Brazil.

Like parts of Brazil and then parts of, yeah. I'll be honest with you, the most danger I've ever been in my life is always in American cities. Yeah, yeah. Florida. My face in Providence. Knife in my face in Boston.

I mean, you're from Baltimore, right? Like, fuck, dude. Like, I don't know. Like, people think like, the world's not that scary.

I mean, we give guns to every one of our citizens as guns and, like, whiskey. No, it's true. I mean, it's just it's a danger I understand better. You know what I mean? Like, I don't know. Like, you, you, like, without realizing got your dick sucked, what if that guy was a violent criminal?

That guy was able to sneak your cock in his mouth. Yeah. Imagine if he was trying to rob you or kill you. He'd like bit onto my dick. Okay. Yeah, no, I'm fucking, I am fucking scared. I mean, when I was younger,

I was, like, scared of, like, anything I didn't understand at all. Like, I was scared of China and shit like that. But now I want to go. I mean... It always seems scarier before you go. And then when you land, you're like, oh, it's totally normal.

And, like, 90% of people on Earth are not, like, violent, fucking sociopathic criminals. They're just, like, want to, like, eat food and go to bed. It's more than, like, the tourist scams. You know what I mean? Especially when you're... Yeah, you got to go with somebody that, like,

knows the lay of the land, and they can avoid that shit. You need to fix. If you're a fat, if you're a fat white man in a Hawaiian shirt These motherfuckers are rubbing I love China Yeah, they're rubbing The scammers are ready to sexually coerce you

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you gotta go If you have a local on the ground, that's the best That's the best And now like, with the contacts I've made And just through Instagram, I'll just throw up Like, comics are good Like when I was in Hong Kong, I was like, Hey, any Hong Kong comedians out here

And a bunch of people reach out, I met a bunch of comedians in India. Like, they can tap you in because they're on the same wavelength as you in your pursuits, but also they know the different languages and they know where to go and nowhere not to go. So, like, comics actually, like, have a good structure of community. I feel you could also blend in a nice way, a lot of places. I'm ethically ambiguous. You really could fucking, you put a hat on.

I am white in Africa and Haiti. I'm fucking Haitian. My dad's from Haiti. And they were like, Blanc, Blanc. Blanc? Blanc? Yeah. I was like half blanc. Half blanc.

How dare you? Half Pino noir. Damn, dude. Pierre was from fucking Haiti. Pierre was from Porte Prince Haiti, yeah. Dude. Yeah. Yeah, that's fucking sick.

Yeah. What were your parents into? What were they like? What did they do for? Straight fucking dog. They were sucking and fucking old. Like a Taiwanese fucking massage therapist. Wait, wait, what?

You grew up in South Florida? Like? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was born in Miami and I was raised like in the suburbs, Bocca Raton, where Jerry Seinfeld's fictional parents are. Oh, my mom's still down there.

My mom's still down there. Oh, that's kind of perfect. Yeah. Yeah. Your dad's from your mom is Jewish. Yeah, she's a Jew from Harlem. I mean, that's kind of Jew from Harlem ending up in Boca Raton is almost like. Yeah.

Exactly right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's like where you're supposed to die. Yeah. It's God's waiting room. Do you ever consider doing the Kramer and moving into a retirement community? No, I grew up in that. I grew up and escaped that.

You know, I grew up. So it was all old motherfuckers around? It was all old people. That was my whole childhood. When your parents got divorced, did you live with one of them more than the other? I lived with my mom, but my dad was in the same town. Like, you know, 10 minutes away. Oh, okay.

So it's not like, you know, he didn't move like to a different. We get any step family? Yeah, and I got a step mom. My dad remarried, a Lebanese woman. Oh, yeah. Interesting. Yeah. Get more beige in the family.

Mm-hmm. You know what I mean? It was like, let's get Lebanese. Yeah. Nice. Yeah. Okay. And then they got divorced.

and then he was dating this like Puerto Rican Haitian chick. Shout out to Pierre, dude. And then he died. Then he broke up with her and died. Damn, dude. When the pussy's so good. Yeah. Once it's taking it.

Once it's taken away, you just... Breaking up through a chick through an email. Dude. Or he wrote her a letter and me and my sister were like, dad, that's harsh, dude. You were dating that woman for three years, you coward. Like, you got to fucking break up with her in person. At least a phone call. He's like, no, I wrote her a letter.

you know, I'm like, you are a fucking chicken. Yeah, that's harsh. It's crazy. He's like, what if I fall and you need to go to the hospital? She won't be here. I'm like, okay, well, yeah, that's the reason. But I don't know. Maybe express, like, communicate better than...

Yeah. Communication wasn't a strong suit. Listen, immigrant dads. Immigrant dads. What's your parents? Greek, both Greek. No, but like from Greece? From Greece.

They came here in like 82. Oh, your first generation. First generation. Why did they move? Why did they leave Greece? Poverty. They left because my mom's, my mom's parents were here. My grandfather

moved to Greece. Some real classic old world. Don't consult your wife about anything shit. He just got a job offer in Greece to move to America. And he just comes home. My grandfather, my mom's dad. And he just comes home one day. He's like,

um, by the way, I'm moving to America. I'm going to head over there for six months, save up money and then send for you. There was no like, what do you girls think about moving to America? There was like, I'm moving to America. And so they came to visit them and like save up money and then they just fucking and then they couldn't your parents came to visit your grandpa my grandpa and save up money and then they just stayed in Baltimore in

Baltimore is there a Greek community in Baltimore there was a Greek community in Baltimore although the funny thing is my lot of Greek people in Australia I noticed Melbourne second most Greeks outside of Greece yeah and by the way great Greek food I've said it before killer stalactites can you speak Greek yeah can you read the alphabet I can read I can read like a fucking child You know what I mean? Like if I had to read it. Fully fluent. Yeah, fluent.

Wow. But it's like, when I start rolling and I really want to communicate shit, it's a little annoying because it's like, you know, I fucking talk for a living. Yeah. And I have like a, I have to translate and it takes forever. But you got to Uzo at the house. Yeah, we got some, well, not here. We got to restock.

We just moved in. But yeah, growing up, absolutely. I mean, totally. And if in Greece, I can. The fucking little leaf with the rice in it. Sure, dormadis. I'll fuck up a Dorma for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, and so there, but yeah, they... Greece was fun. I had fun in Greece. Where did you go? What you did? I went to Athens and I went to Milos. Milos's great, yeah, great island. I want to beacon else, but that's not my, that's not really my cup of tea.

I was just like, observed and left. A lot of sheiks. A lot of sheiks smoking $500 hookah and shit like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that wasn't for me. A lot of sex trafficking. Oh, God, really? I didn't notice that. It seemed.

more like... High-end sex trafficking. Like, Euro-Burning Man kind of like house music. It's super rich people. It's just become completely over-the-top rich people. And when I say sex traffic, I mean like, you know, millionaires paying like models. Sugar, baby.

Sugar babies. Sugar baby. Sugar baby sex trafficking. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That type of stuff. A guy with the yacht. Like fucking oil bear and troll with a yacht and a fucking sugar baby. They're playing rock paper, scissors who has to suck his dick.

Fuck. God damn it, all right. I keep losing. He's like, I don't care. Man, people want to be on a boat that fucking bad. I mean, I like a boat. But I thought about that recently. I like a boat, but I'm not going to suck an old man's dick for a goddamn boat ride.

It's not worth it. God damn, you really want to be on that boat. Maybe once. Maybe you suck in my once. And then you're like, all right, this wasn't worth it. And you have to learn. But when you really, you love a boat that much, go to the beach. Yeah.

The beach is so much better. And that's the grease I like is like the non-tourism. islands where it's like what are the non that's what I'd want to go to you just I mean you just want to start like rustic even milos is like rustic yeah yeah milus is good

that's a pretty good one and it's just kind of like the further you want to get from there the ones that are like less like anything in that island chain the quixades the cyclades or whatever they're gonna be pretty touristy but like if you go to like on deep out like there's paros there's on diparos there's on diparos there's like um

I like noxos it's the biggest one it's like the capital but it's like not as crazy as like you just don't want to go to Miko you don't want to go to fucking Sandoini basically. No. And then it's like from there you want to try some shit on the other side

you know, go to like Ikadiel, that kind of thing. Yeah. Tell me to get me out of all that shit. And I want to do fucking former Yugoslavia shit. Montenegro. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All that shit.

I kind of want to go to Croatia. Croatia looks awesome. You know what I want to stay at a lighthouse in Croatia. That's my type of life. I'm trying to live. When are you going to Greece next? We'll go.

We'll film some shit. Yeah. I'm trying to do a new show where I just film fucking... That's smart. Anthony Bourdain meets, you know, Hunter Sousson. You would actually be great at that because you actually do do that shit. I pitched it all over town.

HBO, past, Netflix, pass. Everybody passed. I'm just going to do the YouTube. I'll be the Mr. Beast with no budget. Shoestring $1.99. It'll do well, though. It will do well. Hopefully once I get on Rumble or ramble or whatever.

Get on Rumble. Say the N-word every episode. Get whatever type of person is considered the lowest to fight each other. Do bum fights. each country. Find whatever their N-word is. And then make them fight. And then you'll be the number one travel show on Rumble.

Another Andrew Tate production. The top motherfucking G. Yeah, the theme song is Hile Hitler by Kanye West. Dude, you'll do numbers. I'm sure. That right, that right pivot. You get mad. No one picked up your travel show.

You can fucking write. That would be so funny. Dude, the other black guy The other like The black dudes who just go Right Because they can't get a mainstream Entertainment crew

Be so pissed to see you coming Like fuck A real entertainer has decided to go right Well there goes my whole bullshit You move to Austin for this fucking shit I was trying to be Gutfeld's Token black guy Andre just fucking took the whole thing

You do a fucking conservative Eric Andre show That would be awesome. You injects, I'm just warving down zins with Tucker Carlson. Yeah, you surprised. What happened to men in America? He's like Jiminy Glick, Tucker,

he actually, what, what happened to men in America? He is on his Jiminy Glick shit. I would love Jiminy Glick v. Tucker. Oh, man. That would be a nice combo. That would be a nice combo. You surprised Kyle Rittenhouse

with a guy with a gun. He's like, you do Eric Andre's show style pranks. I think this is what I've been saying. I think the judge and Luigi's sentencing should be like, if you can hunt, find, and kill Kyle Rittenhouse, you're off, Scott Free. Other than that, electric chair.

Like the right wing shooter versus the left wing shooter? That would be so sick. That would be fun. Rittenhouse versus Luigi, somebody's got to like, Trump's got to pardon Luigi so that he can have a rumble in the jungle. Hunger games. Hunger games.

Total hunger games. They just, they have GPS trackers that can track each other and they have to hunt each other die whoever wins. Yeah. That gets to be the next new president. Then you get to be vice president. Yeah, I like that. It would be cool if they gave Luigi some kind of like, listen,

yeah, some task, like you have to kill like 10 more CEOs or something. And if you don't get all 10, you're going to jail. If you get all 10, you win, you know what I mean? You win. I would like to see him get a couple of, you know, something like that going. I think that's the plot of diehard with a vengeance. Yeah. You know when they played growing up,

when they played a diehard with a vengeance on TV, they changed Bruce Willis's sandwich. Where to I hate everybody? And Samuel Jackson's like, oh, hell no, I see a dead man. There's only humanitarian up in Harlem. I know. You hate everybody. No misanthropes up in here.

We are humanists. I hate everybody. Us black criminals and the 90s are humanists. I hate everybody. I know. That's one of the... Some of the best, some of the best fucking editing. That's a lost art.

That is a lost art. The made for TV edit? Totally a lost art. That is true. I would look forward to like, how the fuck are they going to make this two-life crew song work? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, me so hungry. It would be like weird. Oh, me hungry long time. Me feed you long time. Oh, me so hungry. Dude, we actually got ourselves a weird owl hit on our hands. Me so hungry. Me feed you long time.

Weird out. We're trying to kick up our Rumble Channel and we got a pitch for you. Or they could just be the commercial for our Vietnamese restaurant. Me So Hungry. Be so hungry. That's got to exist. There has to be. Some little shack in Houston.

Me So hungry, please. Me so hungry. I don't know, man. It might be just stupid and racist enough to not exist. And what do we got? Oh, what a surprise. Elders cannot work. I see a place called Me So Hungry 2 in San Francisco.

Oh, the sequel. He thought the first was getting ready for the sequel. Such a good pun. They skipped right at. I stand corrected. Eric, your instincts were better than mine. Me's so hungry too, electric boogaloo. D minus health.

reading. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but good stuff, great names. Great names. What would be... So what's going on? You single now? You're dating? How's your love life? I'm single, dude. I'm single. I got this fucked up back like Luigi. You're going to settle down soon? Because I know you're a bit of a play. You got the ladies of the

80s waiting in the white castle. That's right. I'm into only... Sarah Squirm goes, Stavvy gets laid with hoddies. I was like, I believe it. He's swacked out. It's funny. He's fucking hilarious. I don't, dude, I hurt my back. I don't know. I might need a white to take. Care me.

Yeah, for real. I'm munkly. I'm in a monastic. I'm monastic due to an injury. Although I did fuck. How long ago was your back fucking up? For like two weeks, dude. Oh, that stinks.

Three weeks. Like, it's like been a while. So I'm going to a doctor to get my, I'm going to get some like steroid injections to take the swelling down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it is hard. It's the exact motion you used to fuck. You know, throw your... You got ibuprofen?

I'm crushing ibuprofen. You're doing a hot bath, cold plunge, all this stuff. I'm in the fucking. I'm doing my Epsom salt bath. I got to get that sarno book, man. Read that sarno, man. Dude that sarno. Dude, I'm about to fucking crack open Sarno.

Like, you wouldn't fucking believe. What about you, my friend? You also seem to be sucking fucking yourself. I suck and fuck. Yeah. You seem like a bachelor. I'm no, I'm no, you know, I'm not virgin. No, I didn't think you were a virgin.

I'm not celibate. No, no. Lenny Kravitz is practicing celibacy for all of us. Wow. For every light skin guy? Well, he said he's been celibate for nine years. I was like, no fucking way. But can I say something that?

Lenny Kravitz being celibate for nine years, he still average-wise, if you average the last year pre-selbacy in the last nine years, he's had a better decade than everyone. In that one year, he got more pussy than anyone on earth.

So his 10-year readout is still like insanely high, I would say. 100%. That's got to be a guy who's just OD'd. I think you became a sex addict. Can you think of a guy like it's almost like craft him in a lab Yeah.

To get to fuck the most. Have you seen his dad? Have you seen his dad? I haven't seen his dad. Look at a picture of him and his parents. His mom's a beautiful black woman. His dad's like, hey,

you want some potato gougal? Like, looks like if the California raisin was white. He's like, he really earned. You forgot you been a drill. You really. Shut off, dad.

I'm going to be a hot black guy. I'm trying to be a hot black guy, dad. Oh my God. He looks like Alan Dershowitz. Yeah, totally. For real. He's like, Lettie, excuse me. The music is a little too loud.

Could you stop getting pussy so loud, Leonard? I'm trying to get pussy from your beautiful black mother. Your rhythm is throwing me off. Your rhythm's too powerful. I suckered this gorgeous black woman and are having children with me. Leonard, stop your stroke is distracting me. That's fucking... You really...

with his dad, you really see where the name Lenny Kravitz comes from. Yeah, he's like, Lenny Kravitz. I go, yeah, dude, his name is Lenny Kravitz. Yeah, it's not a slash thing where you can hide behind a cool name. His name is Leonard Schmulowitz Kravitz. That is how hot he was, though.

It completely papered over being named Lady Kravitz. Wow, dude. Lenny Allen Dershowitz Kravitz. If we hit you with the Men and Black thing and we're like, draw Lenny Kravitz, You would never come up with Lenny Kravitz You would end up drawing Stephen Miller

You would be arrested for hate crimes If you wrote If you drew the name If you drew the face That you're brain associates With Lenny Kravitz And it's actually the hottest guy of all time I can't believe

Stephen Miller is younger than me That guy looks like Mr. Burns He's 39 I'm like dude You look like you're fucking 90 He's so funny He's looking at his little bones He looks like you could crack his wrist

by fucking squeezing his hand too much. I feel like a baby could beat up Stephen Miller. Look up how Mussolini died. Completely unrelated to what we just bleeped out, by the way. It's just our history corner. It's just Stavvin Eric's history corner right now. They fucked up, brother.

They were like cutting off his dick in here, right? They literally dragged him through the streets and hung him upside down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Italians were like, look, our bad. Look, we fuck him up, please. Forget we were friends with the Hitler. Oops.

He wants to pass up Riva, Vera, Vera. Yeah. Yeah, Japan and Italy, their food's so good that it, like, wiped out our association with it. The food, all their stuff, they came up with the vibes are so good. Japan was horrendous. They would rape women with knives. Yeah. Like, Chinese and Korean women, they would, like, do medical experiments, like, shove, like, live eels and women's

and women's pussies and shit, like, jigsaw from the saw movie, human center. a beach. And they put all that into their food and their like animated pornography. Yeah. You totally see that that's where it went. The like the octopus genre. You know, that all makes sense. They couldn't do it anymore.

No, they were fucking fucked up. They would throw Filipino babies in the air and catch them on banats and shit. And they would like, I met these like Australians like, oh yeah, my granddad like was trying to fight the Japanese and the Japanese soldiers would put them in a dog cage and just poke them with knives all day. I was like, oh my God. Strong rebrand for the Japanese, dude.

Now you think of them as like gentle anime guys. Hey, we're just into photography. It's like, nah, dude. You were fucking gnarly, bro. You were fucking super gnarly. That's a good point, dude. Yeah, they were fucked up. Sorry Germans fucking sausage and fucking vino schnitzels.

Not good enough to get you out of it, man. Not good enough to get out of the Nuremberg trials. Elders, why don't we take some fucking calls, buddy, you know? Let's get some of Eric's wisdom to our calls. Did my friend, Kimmy, to completely get locked out?

Or did she give up? No, she should. She ain't spoken a cigarette for an hour. I probably got to go to. How much more time do you need? We do a couple. We do like... Take your time.

You know, we do some calls. I got a Zoom meeting with the CEO of Quibi. Got to get turned down one more time for that. fucking travel show? I'm putting my new stand-up special on an iPhone ratio fucking

let's play a couple of calls here little eldest Hey Savvy it's me Lindsay I'm up to you This is kind of his classic move Yeah

yeah What did you get Albanian producers Oh he's unplugging shit That's a bad sign No dude Now we hear us Why did you unplug

Like, when does that ever work? Just play. The theme song worked. You're embarrassing me in front of Eric. That's fine. I think we got it now. Okay, go ahead, Eldis. Hi, Savvy.

It's me, Lindsay. I'm obsessed with you. Anyway, I need some help because, so let me just, like, jump right in. Like, we were talking last week. My husband is very into anal in, like, the, um, uh, misogynistic kind of way, which is fine because I like being subjected. But since having his

child, my ripped open to my and I'm just like not really like into it anymore. Like every single time I just first of all like it's a process. Like it's

I don't have time to like clean everything, wax everything self-can everything. Like I just don't have the time to put in the effort of being a hot porn star anymore. And, like, I don't want to be. Like, how about, how about, how about eat me out? Like, your wife.

Um, anyway, so, like, why I'm asking for advice is because, like, I said, I have a child and I'm married. So I don't really, like, have an out. Um, it sounds so dramatic. Jesus Christ. This is, like, way harder to do than, um, I thought it's going to be. Um, anyway, yeah, I just like, I, I don't really, like, he's just on the wrong side of porn. Um, and I don't really, like, I'm just not really into it.

And I've tried having the conversation, but like, my communication skills are, are pretty poor. Uh, I blame my Staten Island Jewish mom and my Bull Island father. So when I try to communicate, like, hey, uh, this really isn't for me. Um, what comes out is, what are you fucking gay? And I, I just, you know, like, I. No it doesn't. Yeah, yeah, I do. So I don't really know where...

Hold on, hold on. Wait, what's the premise of this podcast? Where the fuck did that go from? It's awesome because she was like 100% completely in the right. And then she's like, what are you gay? And she's like, do I mean it? Sort of. Okay, we'll let that.

We'll just pretend you didn't sneak that weird shit in there. What lies what she looking for? So basically this comes down to her husband wants to fuck her ass all the time and she does not really want that to happen. So go, no. Okay, what is it? Well, from here, but his idea is to just boycott sex entirely.

So I'm gone like nine months dry because I won't stick it up my ass. It sounds like a relationship riddled with problems. Yeah. What do we think? You're doomed. You should have never had a child with this guy. Yeah, why are you dating this guy?

Married and has a kid. What's the compatibility? Why are you calling us to give you advice? Anyone on earth you should go to before. There's seven billion people on earth. The last two out of the whole seven billion list. I mean, this is a tough one because, yeah, I mean, you clear, first of all, it's like your communication issues aren't the problem.

if your husband won't have sex with you at all unless he gets to fuck your ass. That's wild. That's wild. That's a crazy. It's one thing to be like... Also, like he's got to find somebody that... Yeah. That's like his fucking line in the sand.

Yeah, also it's like... She's like in the misogynistic way. You clearly have problems in this relationship. I mean, you have crazy issues here. Why are you bringing a kid into that situation? And the kid is tough, but it's here now. So we're not gonna... We're not, you know, whatever.

The kid's here. Unless you want to do like a Casey Anthony fucking Maybe frame him for the murder of your child No don't kill any children No don't kill any kids or people at all I guess But yeah I mean listen This is bizarre And you're like he won't fuck

Like he just won't have any sexual contact You should go to couples counseling I guess Because this is insane Yeah I would start with that I've never I can't even it would be one thing if he's like, first of all, it sounds like he doesn't eat her out. Because she,

she very frustratingly was like, how about you eat me out for once? Like, for once, he fucks your eyes, he doesn't eat your pussy? And he's nuts. And then, um,

he's gay. And then the gay, that's, you might have something to work on. But also, sounds like a whole bucket of syrup, you fucking jumped into. But also I,

yeah, I do think that like, the one scenario where I would, I sort of, she's been driven into home, homophobic insanity because he won't fuck her anything but her ass

and it's like she's not right but I also kind of see where she's coming from where it's like what do you mean he just boycott sex if he doesn't if you can't have anal you got a lot of problem sister yeah and you and this guy sounds like therapy couples therapy

a lot of that's in your future you gotta talk to a sexual therapist something because his shit's out of control and also you have a kid it's been a year she said is that right nine months I mean, dude, the fact that you're even talking about this, it's like so tough for the mom when the baby's that fucking that young.

It's like all over. It's like, I feel like the mom gets the brunt of everything when the kid is a year and under. So it's like, if anything, your husband should be really deferential to you. And if he's like, hmm, I can't have an or well, I'm not going to have sex with you at all. It's like, that's a real problem. That's a real issue. And you need to work on. Is that what this podcast is about?

I don't, it's not normally like that. Not, well, sometimes it is. I'm not going to lie. It's not the anal show. They're not, every, we take five more calls. They're all about getting fucked in the ass. No. But this woman clearly, this woman clearly has her own issues too.

She has like, you know, it's like, you've allowed yourself to get gaslit into thinking this is normal and that you have communication issues. And you're bringing up your Long Island and Staten Island. island up. It's like, that has nothing to do with your husband. Like, take, take the anal out of it. If your partner was like, I will only do one sex act and I will do nothing for you, you must do exactly what I say, that's insane. No matter what that act is, right? And let's, and now when you throw in the fact that it's, you know, something that's tough. That's not really a partnership, let's seem like a dictatorship or something. Yeah, this is a sexual dictatorship here. And maybe, my guess is that that goes to the rest of your relationship, too. So take a real

serious appraisal of what the fuck's going on sister. You already have a kid. The kid's here. Don't do it. Don't go Casey Anthony or anything. Don't do that. But your relationship, maybe do. You drown your relationship in a bathtub. Don't let him Natalie Wood

you. Right, right, right, right. Absolutely. We're rooting for you and you believe in yourself a little more and go to therapy if you don't already. Let's do some more calls here. Eric's got to fucking get to a sushi eldest. Davy. guest.

I am 38 years old. I live in the woods of Colorado. It used to be a cool, like, off-grid spot, two acres. But lately, a lot of RV people moving in, like running generators, dogs, barking. RV. Piece of shit people. Like, off-grid. It's a big, you know, YouTube thing.

But I'm actually living it. And so it's this place that used to feel like the wilderness. Now it feels like I built my own prison in a shitty RV park and a shitty neighborhood. That sucks. It used to be like my freedom, you know, paying $500 a year in rent. They're property taxes. So if you had a good amount of money in the bank and you were kind of living off grid, do have a girlfriend who's down to, you know, shit in a bucket and stuff.

Okay. But if you had some money but you're living off grid, you're kind of just working some nonprofit job in a small town of Colorado. And you just get mad now that all these RV generator people have moved up here. What would you do? Would you leave?

Would you follow some dream? Colorado's a massive state. What is the stave baby perspectives? Thank you all. I never shit in a bucket. I need a bidet, in fact. I need a robot to lick my eyes. ass clean. I'm the same. I'm gone from that. But I see where he's coming from. This guy's

this guy, if I were a guy who loved the outdoors, right? I mean, yeah. Like you said, I mean, he's an expansive massive massive state and like, you could go to Wyoming. Push out. Yeah, just like fucking pick up. It sounds like he lives pretty minimally and rustic. Yeah, you're going to have to these guys found your little fucking, your little niche. You're going to have to move out. Go anywhere into the Rockies and it seems like you'll be happy. Yeah, if you got the cash because it sounded like he's, I thought he's going to tell us he's trapped there, but he's not.

He says he can move his girlfriend will shit in a bucket and he's cool, she's shitting in buckets, she can work online or whatever. And is he also in a van? Your demographics living in vans, shitted buckets, torturous relationships. I'm getting sexually coerced

by my husband and I live in a van but I'm superior to the other guys that live in a man. That's the thing It's like, I thought he lived in a cabin and all these van guys moved in. You're also a van guy? You're just mad they're also living exactly like you. Just fucking drive further.

What the fuck are we talking about? And just step on the gas, dude. Is he in a van? I don't think he's specified. Okay. Well, listen, either way, pick up and move. Get a van. Our good buddy, Saxon, cameraman, extraordinaire.

He lives out and, uh, up in like, I don't want to do. He's probably already said it, but whatever. We don't want to dox him. He lives in the state of kind of near where our former bus driver lives as well. Actually, bleep that out. The man loves his privacy. But, yeah, dude, anywhere.

Just fucking pick up and move. You actually have no problem here, especially if you live in a van. So pick a place that's a little off the beaten path. Don't go to some van life type shit. Don't look up the hashtags and fucking follow that shit. you seem like you like being in the fucking sticks live further in the sticks dude there's nothing I would never do like I said I gotta be in a fucking

I love being in New York City baby I love having a bidet you know you know some gabagool gotta get my gagoo I would be a beach guy as a retirement I would be a beach guy that's what I got in my nose go to milo I might what about what would you where would you retire you a beach guy as well

oh god Vietnam man I had the best time of my life That makes sense. You go there, everybody's nice, because they overthrew France and they over through the USA. They're fucking confident. They're like, we beat two imperial, two of the harshest, hardest imperialist powers. We overthrew you both of them. They're cool. Best food.

Beautiful women. Great music. You get a little moped. You can order whippets from an old guy on a moped that just comes up with, like, a tank. They love cocktails. They got exotic fruit. The best coffee. Yeah.

The coffee is awesome. Funnest people. I just had a blast. It is just beautiful. Even the shit they took from the French, the Bonn Me. The Bon Me, the egg cream coffees. Fuck, man. It's just unbelievable there.

They got beaches? They got beaches. They got the fucking, you're out in the, you know. The jungle and shit? Yeah, in the jungle. You're eating the raccoon shit coffee. You're on the boat. You're in the Halong Bay.

I might have to check out. It rules. Vietnam rules. Again, being a, I might have to be slightly less fat, slightly less Hawaiian shirts. I just feel like I'm a mark. Nah, they don't care. There's a much ex-pass there. But I'll look, but see, the thing is, I'll either look like a mark or I'll look like a trick.

Because I look like a fat guy coming for sex tourism. Which. Which you're not. I'm not, not. At the top of it, it's on the list. I want to get fub, bombie, check out, going a hike. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But after that, four or five, a couple of bullet points down.

Yeah. It's not not there. It's not not. I'm getting a couples massage. I'm not stopping the guys, all I'm saying. Whether your girlfriend's in the other sheet over. The sheet is crazy, dude. The sheet is nuts.

I can't even imagine like your eyes starting. Like, oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, just get it over again. Quick. It's like, get it out of me. Can't think straight. Get the poison out.

We'll do a couple. more, you know, we got to help the people here, Eric. Yeah, I get it. Give me a couple. Hey, Sevi, Elvis, I guess. I'm dealing with a problem you've kind of alluded to before in some of your material. I was 21 and met this great woman who helped build me into a much better guy. She was super supportive in building my career, my fitness, kind of like, you know, every part of me improved.

while we were dating, we dated for six years, and then I got it in my head that I could do better for some reason. Tough. I wouldn't commit to marriage or anything. I broke off the relationship. It's been about a year since then. I've dated a couple of times, and I am still struggling to get over that relationship. I've accepted that it's done. that I fucked it up, but it's becoming harder and harder to properly let go of it and causing issues in my new relationships.

Yeah, she's been on this huge journey of Brown since we broke up. She lost all this weight. Why do you know that? She's like in ads on TV locally around here now. She's just really. For a fucking local dry cleaner? Holy fuck. She's doing ads for herself.

He's like, I'm hot. I drop 30 pounds. Dude, that's... Okay, keep going, but this guy's so fucking cooked. It's hilarious. ...mintally sneak from the situation. Start in therapy over it this week. Looking forward to that.

This week. I was wondering if you had any advice... Come on, man. I just swallowed the penicillin, but my fucking... My infection still hurts. Have a seat? This is fucking... Wait, I missed the first.

What's his deal? So this guy was in a relationship. She kind of helped him become a better guy, whatever, whatever. He was 21. He was 21, you know, all this shit. And he thought he was too good for her, breaks it off. And now he's regretting his decision. Or at least, like, it's kind of the one that got away.

He says he's still in a relationship. And the funniest part is... He's dating. He's dating. But the funniest part is he's like, she's doing so much better now. He beat. she's in local commercials. I mean, dude.

First of all, she's doing fucking commercials for a fucking car wash. Yeah, car wash in Des Moines. He says it later. He's from Oklahoma City. Oh, wow. Okay, she sucks, Dick. So I get that. Brutal town.

You ever been there? E brutal. Brutal. I played all over that state. It's just like flat. Yeah. Tulsa's probably better. I haven't been to Tulsa.

Okay, see. I don't remember. I confused all that. Yeah. I'm sorry. to be such a coastal lead, but okay, see. No, I'm not even going to. It's just between the Rockies and Chicago,

that fucking, that chamber. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That specific type of white trash. And it changed at every latitude point. You get a different flavor of like weird Midwest white trash. Okay, dude, so look, first of all, you got, you shouldn't be keeping up with what she's doing. You shouldn't have a fucking Google alert for your ex.

No, that's weird. Step one is that you're keeping. taps. That's a big fucking problem. There's also something in attachment theory about the Phantom X girlfriend. If you have an avoid an attachment style and you're in a relationship and you're fawning and fantasizing about your ex.

That's a way, it's a type of avoidance. I'm liking this. This might help me. So, yeah. So a lot of people with avoidant attachment style, right? Would you say, Kimi? People with guys with maybe any gender with a void of ties up. You'll

kind of fantasize about your ex. You'll forget all the shitty three why you guys broke up. Of course. And you'll fantasize, oh, I should get out of my current relationship. I should get back with my ex. It's an avoidance.

Yeah. Okay. Behavior pattern. That's probably what's going on here. But also, I think it is. This guy's fucking, it's also like,

but I think you're right. He's like romanticizing some shit because he also knows it's impossible. Right. It's like, well, and he had her and he got rid of her. You know, he called it off.

So you fucked up. Or maybe he didn't fuck him. Maybe he called it off for a reason. And now he's like, either way it's done. He's rewriting history in his mind because he's like, whatever, feeling a void in his current relationship or something.

Totally. Well, he said he started, that's fine, dude. He said he started therapy. I thought I was just going on, tell us some dick jokes with my boy, stab me. That's part of this.

We're going to rip fards and fucking eat cheeseburgers. Fucking like giving secondhand therapy to some fucking Oklahoma freak. That's the beauty of the show, man. The people, we need to help the people, Eric. I thought we were just going to roll cigarettes, watch some fucking MMA and shit. Dude, yeah, Eldis has done some great producing. The first one was a crime.

The second was a fucking real estate van, a van hobo, real estate problem. And the third call is like a guy pining after an ex. Yeah, dude, move on. You started therapy. You'll be all right. But yeah, you got to your brain. you're an idiot. Your brain is dumb and it's trying to stop you from enjoying the shit you have in your life now.

Stop keeping tabs on her fucking local commercials. Yeah, yeah. All right? Either you blew it or you didn't, but it's over. Yeah, it gives a shit. Move on, dude. This is tough, though. This is provincial thinking.

Yeah. When you live in a small-ass town. Yep. Everything seems... Like, honestly, move is really the answer. Move. Starting your life. Starting you life, but he's not going to.

No. Hey, at least you got the thought. She Gildish, Alexander. great player. Enjoy the thunder. You know, you guys are going to be a dynasty for years to come, it looks like. Even though you stole Seattle's team,

you fucking redneck piece of shit. Give back to Sonics. Fuck you. I'm glad that bitch left you. We're doing this for Sean Kemp. Sean Kemp, Sean Hemp. Smoke is a strand of weed. Give us another one,

a little eldest. Let's see what you got now. Any tragedy here? Okay. Let's see. Hey, Stov, what's up? So I have a question for you because I recently won a lawsuit and got like a nice chunk of change, like less than $50,000, but more than $10,000. Okay.

And I tell my boyfriend about my finances and he said that he would love. if I sponsored a trip to him to Brazil. Important context, he does have body image issues. He and I both kind of have like body dysmorphia type thing. Body image issues? But I'm not a fucking cheat. He doesn't have ALS. He's not going to take one last trip before he's confined to a wheelchair.

He's got tits. What are we talking about? That's fucking nuts, dude. All right, let's finish. I'm sorry. That caught me by surprise. surprise. But I'm not a huge fan of plastic surgery.

I've ever had plastic surgery. I don't plan on getting it. But he wants a one inch lift all around. And I don't... He's going to Brazil for plastic surgery. Wait, she won a lawsuit. And he's like, hey, babe, give you that money. I got to get my shit tucked.

Holy fuck, this is crazy. Like, I didn't know what that meant at first, but then he just kept saying, like, one inch, one inch. Is he talking about his talk? I know that he keeps making jokes about, like, getting a BBL, but I think the BVL jokes are becoming a little too frequent to be jokes. And then the one-inch lift all around, like, he doesn't seem to really want to do, like, steroids. But I don't think plastic is a good alternative to that.

And then he's like, well, one-inch, like, all around, like, to his dick. What? And for me, it's just like, his dick is perfect. Like, it's good. And Azealia Banks, like, I remember a few years ago she had tweeted about getting with a guy who, like, had, like, a plastic extended dick. Like, he had the plastic figure on his dick. And it's not. And it's so uncomfortable and awful that I'm, like, one, like, my boyfriend's dick is perfect the way it is.

But two, I don't want, like, two big, jaddy piece of plastic going into my cooter. That's just sound super uncomfortable. So I need your advice. Because I wouldn't mind investing in something that makes them happy. Are you fucking out of your mind? That's money that I kind of got, not money that I had to work really hard for. I have no problem with that. Body image issues.

But I'm worried about where the line between happiness and body image issues comes into play. Okay. So, yeah. There's so much for listening. good shit here actually. Okay. She won a lawsuit. Less than 50,000, more than 10,000.

Let's say it's 30 grand. Let's say 30 grand. Not that much fucking money. Her boyfriend wasn't like, congrats, baby. You're going to invest in that fucking whatever story. He goes, oh, hell yeah. I'm going to get my dick one is bigger.

He's like, babe. That ice rink chopping off your toe was the best thing that ever happened to us. That zamboni running over. your fucking foot. The doctor's going to do the same thing to my dick in Brazil. Chiching. The fact that these guys, again, listen, not to be Hollywood elites here,

but that's not the kind of money where you can buy your boyfriend plastic surgery in a trip to Brazil. All that money's gone. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold on to that money. I don't know what happened to get the money. Hold on to what the boyfriend's scoop. It is that his money. It's your money.

And then he wants to go Get like a facel, a BBL A bigger day He's like random sketchy Presid doctors just chopping him up He's like, oh hell yeah I'm looking Then he leaves her

A full body, yeah exactly He wants a full body Yassification on your dime And you think he's coming back fucking loyal So Kanye West's mom died That's true That is true

He could go the way of Don the West She's like I'm okay My titty's done my ass. In Mexico. Tough, tough look. And then her body was like, cabloy.

Yeah, that's a tough one. And that was one of many dominoes that led us to the new hit, Heil Hitler. The new song, taking rumble streamers by storm. Holy out of Andrew Tate Records.

So, okay, that number one, this is an insane, that's not enough money. That's number one. Number two, this guy's selfish as fuck.

His girl wins a lawsuit and he wants, his dreams to come true. And third, his dreams are pathetic. He's a fucking weird bitch, if you ask me, dude. I hate to be like, I hate to go into classic, like, masculine feminine shit. And listen, you know, if this guy wanted hair plugs, maybe it'd be a little different. If he wanted, like, what, like, but like to want a full, they don't, they don't, she doesn't

sound that old. It's not like he's a burn victim. And he's like, I've never gotten my confidence back. since the accident. I'd love an expensive skin graft. He's just a pudgy fucking loser. He's just like a flubby guy. She even says do steroids.

She threw out steroids. She's cool with him getting yoked. But he's like, no, I want to go under the knife. I don't respect this man at all. I got to see a picture of this guy. Offer him. I will say. We got to get a picture of this guy.

We got to talk. Yes, we need a picture. And I would say offer him steroids. And that way he can earn his salvation through the iron paradise. You buy him steroids. Your dick is fine. It's not like, oh, you got a little peener fucking, you know. What's this about if it's not, if his girl is happy with his dick.

And then the final piece is, if there was a cock lengthening surgery that worked, we would know about it. This would not be. We would be at cock and landing. This would not be in the cat landing male clinic right now. Absolutely. I'd have a punch card. With their dogs on the floor. I'd be getting my shit and tuned up every fucking nine months, dude.

There's no way this That big whale cock It looks like a fucking silly straw going on out This This is fucking insane What is going on in your life To our caller Where you would even

Entertain this That's the problem here You have some serious self-esteem issues You're getting gaslit to oblivion By this fucking guy And you gotta What do you want to do with the money? What the fuck do you want to do with the money?

Does that ever come up once? Yeah, why don't you do what you want to do with your money. Yeah. That's yours, not his. We could not be more anti this plan. That didn't come up and in fact she was like, well, it's not money I really earned.

I just got it through a lawsuit. Oh, you didn't have. That is all we needed to hear. This is a person that has a hard time accepting anything good. She has low self-esteem and she's probably in a relationship dynamic where the guy gets to fucking walk all over

all the time. We're here to tell you, stand up for yourself, sister. This guy's a fucking dork, number one. Okay, he wants to get a fucking Brazil. He wants to get a lift? Come on. We believe in you. You're saying his dick's perfect.

Actually, this might be the one time I'm with him. His dick probably does suck, and you probably gas him up too much because you seem like a nice person. I would say, from this even being a conversation, I don't want to call my shot and be like, leave him. But I feel like this might be as doomed as the sexual coercion, anal husband.

That sounds great. Doesn't sound perfect. He's immediately asked, imagine you're dating someone and you immediately ask for most of her money. Yeah, that's weird. You're dating someone.

That's weird. Also, you're the guy. Like, you, you, you, you know. I know, there's a little bit, and maybe we're... You got to fucking provide the money. And it wasn't even like, let me, listen, give me this seed money.

I'll start a business and, and we'll feed our family off him. No, no, no, he's like, I'm just getting, I need DSLs. I need DSLs to maintain our heterosexual relationship. I mean, this sucks.

This is crazy. And she's so nice and like... She's so nice and like... She's getting taken advantage of. That's our read on the situation. So definitely don't give this guy your fucking money. Hopefully this call wasn't from October or some shit. When's it from, Elders?

9-11. All right. That's not bad. This will come out in February. So hopefully you haven't done anything. Hopefully that money is still tied up in red tape. And this guy doesn't have fucking, you know, filler already. He just doesn't have fucking...

San Paulo filler. in his fucking system already. Speaking of a great movie, the Secret Agent, you see that? It's fucking good. It's really good. Check it out. Wagner Mora.

Less respect. All right, well, let's do one more here, Eldis. Give us one to go out on. How are we doing? Do we hit the 120 mark? All right, give us one to go out on. Eric's got rancid sashis to get home to.

Eric's got fucking room 10%. are fucking Toro to peel off his fucking doorstep the juices are coming down all the neighborhood cats have coming through the fucking have coming through the fire escape

play us wanted to go out on here buddy boy hi stop hi LD long time fan of the pod here I have some input in regard to a caller's dilemma

that I actually feel like I've heard about more than once in the QA Q&A section as well as in real life Great, wonderful And that is women or pussy havers That don't enjoy being eaten out Saying it's just not for them But it doesn't do anything for them

I just wanted to say I came to terms of being one of these people Until recently a man changed my world When it comes to oral I had to kind of to render to it because I was stuck in that mindset and just had so many less than ideal pussy eating situation. Sure.

A lot of chomping going on. Yeah, I didn't believe this would be any different, but it is. I actually love being out by him and crave it and think about it frequently. So I guess this is just a PSA to the ladies out there that need to hear it. Salute to you, sister. Maybe you actually would enjoy it if your man was actually good. it. So yeah, good look out there.

Anyway, love you guys. Love you. Thank you. You heard it there. You heard it, gals. Decolonize your pussy. Open up your mind

to getting your pussy. And that's coming from a lady who was once in your shoes. Because we're pro everyone's sucking and fucking on this podcast. We're pro getting sucked and sucking and eating and getting eaten out, etc.

So we're happy to hear that. keep at it gals Eric anything you'd like to plug on the way out oh yeah I got a podcast bombing on IHired radio bombing with Eric Andre

listen to my fucking pod bro I want you want to you gotta come on I'll be on for sure get your pussy and get your butt hole eating get your dick hole eating

I never get to the whole the dick hole doesn't get a lot of a girl with a little tiny tongue like everyone just skips right over the hole John skips right over the dick hole.

They're not even thinking about what I've been through. Give it a little blow. Blow right into that dickhole. Put your ear up to it like a fucking seashell. What noises does the dickhole make? Find out. Find out. That's what Eric's plugging.

Listen to the pod. Eric, you're the man. Dude, thank you for doing it. And yeah, we're on tour probably when this comes out. We might be on the bus when this comes out, Eldis. Did you just start touring? Are you in the think of it or what? Yeah, we're in the, I did a whole blague last year,

and I'm going to record a special in the spring. Nice. So this kind of, this is like our last run to kind of tighten everything up. So come see us. It'll be, you'll be seeing me work on the final, the finishing touches of this next special. And, yeah. Do you play New York already?

No. In fact, let's plug that one specifically. Radio City Music Hall. Oh, fuck you. March, what is it, 28th eldest? Can I come? God. you fucking know, you piece of shit.

Yeah, of course, dude. I think we're going to have a big party afterwards, too. I'm actually excited. Is that one of your last shows? It's pretty close. It's kind of on its own, and then I'll do like one more run right before I record in April. Nice. But last time I did the beacon.

March 28th. I got it right. Last time I did the beacon and it was awesome, but I just didn't celebrate at all. I was like, I had to promote my special right after it. And like this time I want to actually, I'm trying to work on enjoying my life a little bit. Yeah. I'm going to have a... It's a big one.

It's a dream come true. I'm actually shocked. My life is in a position that I can play Radio City musical. I never would have fucking thought this is going to happen. So we're going to have a great time. Please come out. Very, very talented.

Thank you, brother. And the last time I played the beacon, I got naked, and James Dolan called my agent, and I almost got banned from... I was doing, like, the orphan. No, no. I was doing one of his Boston venues next. And they were like, if he does it again,

I'm calling the police. You can't show cock? Live theater? It was apparently, I think it was James Nolan. Whoever owns... They own, yeah, yeah, yeah. They own it because, I mean, Mr. Dolan, we love it. I love what you're doing.

Please keep Nick's tickets coming. Yeah, no disrespect. This fucking lous... I had no idea, Mr. Dolan. I would have never had him on if I knew he disrespected. Such a beautiful theater. I would not make it at the next four shows. All right, that's going to do for us.

We'll see you next time. Bye, guys.