Stavvy's World - #176 - Zach Cherry

Episode Date: April 13, 2026

Zach Cherry returns to the podcast to discuss misdirecting people about his age, how fat people are ahead of the 40+ curve, his love for his dog, why improv is superior to stand-up, his insane kitchen counter situation, being a homebody, and much more. Zach and Stav help callers including a woman who's insecure that her boyfriend used to date an adult actress, and a guy seeking counsel on the statute of limitations on eating his roommate's hummus without asking.   Thank you to our sponsors!! Visible - https://www.visible.com/ switch now! Twisted Tea - https://www.twistedtea.com/locations Keep It Twisted!! Hollow Socks - https://hollowsocks.com/ for the Buy 2, Get 2 Free Sale Cash App - Download Cash App Today: https://capl.onelink.me/vFut/wyx330el Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App’s bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. See terms and conditions at https://cash.app/legal/us/en-us/card-agreement. Cash App Green, overdraft coverage, borrow, cash back offers and promotions provided by Cash App, a Block, Inc. brand. Visit http://cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures.   ☎️ Want to be a part of the show? Call 904-800-STAV and leave a voicemail to get advice! 🎟️ See Stavvy live on the Dreamboat Tour 🛥️💕!!! https://stavvy.biz/ for tickets ‼️ Bonus episodes every week! Unlock exclusive, Patreon-only episodes at https://www.patreon.com/stavvysworld Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Ohpah! Welcome, everybody, to Stopvi's World. 9-0-400. Stop. Call in. We'll solve your problems. We're in the studio classic, baby. We had to break it out for one of our favorites. Zach Cherry, everybody. What's up, Zach? I'm glad I got to see the original. Dude, you got the real shit, dude. The last one I was in was too nice.

Too nice, fucked up. Yeah. And there's things that we were deciding how public we're going to be about what was going on with the last place. but something, that's a little breadcrumb for the people. The last place, let's just say my landlord had some interesting developments come out about certain of his proclivities. He might have been in a grouping of file.

Yes. We don't know. We can't really say was he in a dossier, was he in a high-profile file? Does certain very specific kind? Search engines have results. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, there's some interesting stuff going on.

Yes, I did live in a cursed place for six months. It was nice. It was nice, but there was something kind of sinister about it. This is more appropriate. To give everyone, and the people at home don't even know this, but since we moved, since I moved, a friend of the show, Straight George, is now living in this apartment,

but basically I still kept the two back bedrooms as a backup studio. So for six months, he got a great deal. We ran half the apartment. But for one week, we are here like seven hours a day. And, yeah, you got, there's no more accurate version of a Greek podcast than one that happens in your, like, friend's house. I did walk through their living room. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Just having a Sunday. Of course, we're in Queens. We're in Queens. We're in Queens. You have eight ethnicities arguing on the sidewalk as you walk in. I did have a beautiful journey in. I saw a child sort of like playing inside of an old fax machine. Yeah, dude. Beautiful stuff.

That's what I love about Queens, dude. You still have, like, there's still, like, shops here. Like, if you go on Steinway or whatever, there's shops that, like, sell fax machines, copiers. They're like, there's like an electronic store that's like in every other part of the world, Best Buy, not just Amazon, Best Buy put them out of business. Best Buy, that can't encroach here, dude. We have ethnicities that don't understand.

computers in this name of the dude. Best Buy is still 15 years away. Dude, it's fancy. It's like if you showed a fucking like, you know, Balkan immigrant so, like we have, we have restaurants here that's like a part of the Serbian Civil War that we don't even know about. You know what I mean? Like, there's

secret countries here. And those people, like, if you took my dad, if you showed my, if my dad, I would actually love to see my dad try and order something from Amazon and see if he could figure it out. I don't know that he would know how to put his address in. He's not.

even that online. Dude, he does, I don't think he's ever, honestly, I don't think my father's ever used the computer. That's what my dad is now every day tells me about AI. Really? My dad's become one of those guys. He goes, you know, they're starting to get revenge on people.

I swear to God. Every time I see your dad is tracking AI. He's like, yeah, this one got really mad at the guy who created him. He's trying to get rid of. And I'm like, I don't know. I don't follow it as much as you, so you may know. I love that it's the idea is like it's in the process of revenge.

Yes. Which is like if he knows that, why doesn't he just unplug the robot? Because it's doing surreptitious things. Sure, of course, of course. And the owner doesn't know, but somehow your father found out. It reached out to my dad and said, sir, you're going to want to stay on top of this. Let your son know. Let your son know.

Let him spread it out indirectly through podcast. And I am. And you are, dude. AI is starting to get revenge. Was your dad ever like How how technical how what kind of a technological home did you come from You guys early adopters He had a Nintendo

Okay Like he would play Mario when I was like super young Oh respect Then he didn't touch technology for 50 years Okay okay And now he's all about researching AI He doesn't use it He doesn't just like curious

Oh he's just keeping tabs yeah So does he have like a whole setup dude Does he have like six monitors? And he's like, he's in the tech room. No, he has, he has, he's even a new, fairly new iPhone. Yes. Oh, I've, yeah, oh, my dad, you know my dad's Android. Yes.

They don't let fuck. Again, immigrants have to have, have to have Android. I've heard. Yeah. My dad, my dad tries to talk to me on like, I mean, dude, the way he texts me is so funny. Like my, the, the, like, he does not. Texts are very interesting because my dad, again, the way he's never used the computer, I don't, it's, Him texting might be the only time he's ever written English in his life.

Let me see if I can find his last. What's his typing style? Have you ever seen him? Okay. So, oh yeah. Here's the happy birthday message, which was really cute. Mr. Stavo.

Is that the first time he told you that? Misses the R completely. Misses the R completely. Mr. Stavo, happy birthday. It's your birthday today. I hope all your wishes slash N comes through your daddy.

That's a beautiful message It's actually really cute And it's the first time my dad And also the first Also look at this I sent him I sent him a fucking I sent him a picture And him trying to like it

Look at it There were about seven Thumbs up Removed thumbs up I sent my dad a picture And I got Thumbs up to a photo Removed thumbs up from a photo

Then thumbs up to a photo Then removed thumbs up from a photo Then removed thumbs up from a photo again and then the thumbs up emoji in the text. He was originally seeking clearly. It just took a few iterations to get there. Mr. Stavo, happy birthday.

It is your birthday today. That's beautiful. That is really nice. It is fucking cute. What, yeah, so you're, do you got any, we got any immigrants going in your family? What's your, you're a Jersey guy. I'm a Jersey guy.

Nice. Been, my parents are still there. Nice. Since, I don't know. Before I was born, so probably 50 years. Oh, wow. They both are from Jersey? I'm, of course, just turned 55.

I'm trying to message that I'm older than I am so that I can kind of like get the Paul Rudd. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He looks pretty good. Well, not that good, but not good, but for a fat 55 year old. Yeah. He's fucking doing great. I know, we need to figure out the exact, because dog years is seven years. What is fat years?

Is it 1.8? Yeah, 1.6? It's about 1.8. It's not 1.5. It's got to be, it's somewhere between 0.6 and 0.8. We got a little more breathing. Let's do 1.7. Let's, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's right. I think it is 1.7. Okay, Eldis, let's multiply our ages, please. Yeah, throw that in there. Can you do that? Can you get the calculator going? Can you develop a website for the fat years calculator that we can launch? Also, you know what it is?

Fat years actually, here's what it is. It's on some kind of equation where when you start, it's actually one, it's the same, when you're like ages 4 to 11, it's 1. Uh-huh. Then at 11 it kicks into 1.05. Yes. So right at 12, you start aging a little worse. But then, honestly, at 40, it kind of kicks into 0.8.

Exactly. Because you're a head of a curve on all your friends who are just now getting fat. Exactly. You've already settled in. Exactly. At 40, you actually age backwards. Yes, as a fat person. You're at-virties.

Your 40's last 13 years. as a fat person, but then at 60, 2.5. Right, yeah. Once we, and then if you get to 80,

it starts going like, it's like if you're hitting a multiplier, it's like 10x, 20x, when you get to 80 as a fat person, the pinball machine starts lighting that. It's like, it's vibrating, dude.

Yeah. Yeah. But if you, if I make it to 80, that's a big W. Whatever happens at 80 is, are you kidding me? Is gravy.

Have you, I guess, yeah, I'm trying to think, who's the fattest 80 year old I've ever seen? have to be a rich person. But like in terms of like

oldest fat person, oldest is Googling, you really think that's going to come up with anything usable? I mean, really, start thinking before you Google stuff. I don't know,

I think, you know. Nice, man. We have, go to the, yeah, oldest fat person. It's all like 36 year old.

I know, for real. Old fat people, now he just switched to even a more general thing. And he went to images. There's just some fetish bullshit. Old fat people,

celebrities? What are you? you doing? Why do you think this? That's pretty good. Okay. Goodman. That's, Goodman is actually a great answer. But he is zamped up to the man. He's too. The neck pussy's really singing

right now. That is my greatest fear. I would rather stay fat than get the neck pussy. Like Penn Gillette had one. Yeah. Yeah. Early he had the neck. He's looking better now. I don't know if you tighten that up. I think you can, I think you can kind of figure it out. Yeah, yeah. And I think there's

probably ways to kind of stay fat up. here. Sure. And kind of get rid of a little bit of it is. Which is a nice moot look. Yeah, that's what I would prefer. Yeah, yeah. I'd love to stay as fat as I ever was up here.

Straight lollipop head. Just full on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. Yeah, dude. Um, John Goodman, Kathy Bates and Gandalfi. See, Gandalfi right there. That's a tough.

Fat example. That is way. Orson Wells lasted pretty long, right? Yeah, and that motherfucker, it was like, they didn't even have medicine when he was alive, really. Like, now fat people could do a bunch of shit. Like, you know, I can't wait to get to the, like, this is a nice thing. And I'm sure, you know, we're both, we're both, we've both cracked into, like,

we're in rooms that the Illuminati spend, like, a few minutes in. Like, we're not in the main rooms, right? But, like, we're, like, they pass through the rooms we're in to get to the actual secret back. Or it's like, it's like after they've left, then we're allowing for the next event. We almost get the leftovers. Yeah. Like, they get their pickings. They leave the, they leave the stadium.

stadiums up for the Paralympics. Yeah. Exactly. Sort of bring us in. Yeah, we do a little foot race. Right after, yeah, right after, wherever Alyssa Lou was fucking ice skating, we then are missing a couple limbs and we get to fucking with our hand skates or whatever the fuck. With our like, they, actually that's, if you don't have feet, how do you ice skate? Do they give you like a fucking cool snowboard that you can attach?

Can you attach one big ice skate to your body? I haven't, I didn't watch any of any of the Olympics. this year. Ice skating Paralympics. Oh yeah. Yeah. Okay. Prostetics. So anyway, we're...

So my point... The reason I was even saying, you know, wait, why was I talking about the Illuminati? What were we just talking about? I think about how powerful we could become. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I forgot.

I totally forgot. We could survive. No. They'll break us off a little bit of that baby juice. Maybe, maybe. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. we are now starting to be sort of, you know, we are in the rooms of the alumni leave,

and so I can't wait to get close enough to ask about, because I haven't met any fat famous people yet. Sure. You know, like everyone that I've been in the, like they, in fact, unless I'm in a movie where I play like a fat guy's son, you're the fattest and the fat guy. And the most famous. Right.

That's actually a good point. Famous fat people are sort of the lowest class of a famous person. We are sort of in the cast system of fame. And much like other marginalized groups, they don't let us be in the same projects. No, never two of a... Yes, dude, never. Although actually there was one...

We were almost in the same movie but would have never been in the same scenes. So even if we're cast in the same movie, it's really just to play the role of fat... Yeah, it is true. We are marginalized that way. So anyway, the first time I meet... If I ever met a fat old guy,

I need to know the... I need to know what kind of juice they got in their veins. But they might not... We're, I think we're kind of the first generation that is claiming it proudly. That's a good point. Of famous people. That is actually a really good point.

They don't want to talk about it. That is true because I think most famous fat people are, or actually, like, Jack Black is a great example. He's actually a hot guy. Like, if you look at Jack Black in his youth, like, famous fat people are just guys that were hot and just like weren't 110 pounds. Like the fat guy, like, which, I mean, look, you know, Jack Black, even for School of Rock, Jack Black is not fat at all. actually. I mean, I've been watching... Oh my God. This actually is fucking my whole life up. He's not even sort of fat in this, dude.

But he... In my memories, he was fat as shit. Yes. Oh, my God. I've been watching Sopranos and the same thing. Gandalfini is not fat. Well, season six. He picks it up a little bit in the faith. I haven't made it to season six. I haven't made it to season. The nose whistle breathing gets out of...

When the nose breathing gets out of... It's like season four. Yeah, that's where I'm at. I mean, he's getting there at four. He is. He's picking up steam, but he's not there. Season one, he's just sexy. Yeah, he's not bad at all.

He's ripped kind of. Yeah. Like, that is my absolute dream physique. Is season one Gandalfini? That is... How old was he? Can you look that up? Probably, you probably right around...

Yeah, right here. 36. Yeah. How old is gonna... He's exactly my age. Oh, no, no, he was 35 for the pilot and turned 38 when the first season aired. Okay, so you still have time to make it?

So I could get it. If in a couple years, okay, that's actually not unrealistic. That's good to know. Because I thought it was probably 33 or something. All right, okay. I could get there, man. After this, I'm going to ask the famous people I do know, regular Illuminati secrets.

Yeah. I need whatever they give Biden, dude. Whatever they were giving Biden to keep him alive. I don't know if it was working that awesome. But, dude, but no, no, that's the thing. It was. Like, he, that was getting him going even to speak on camera. Yeah, I guess.

If that's, if that's your dream, your goal is to, reach Biden. You're like, oh, baby, I got to get this stuff. I got to get to recent Biden level. See, no, I'm saying, they basically have stuff that can reanimate a corpse. Okay. So what could it do to just a fat 38-year-old? You know what I mean? Probably I could feel awesome. You might, yeah, you might, or you might just go full Biden mode. That's true. That would be, that would be too. If it just, that's my full, what if the drugs they were given, sapped him? What if they knew he was too strong? He was actually, he was. He was so strong.

They had to drug buy. He was being sedated. They knew he was going to start a new communist revolution. That's exactly right. I love how they call him a fucking communist. It's like, honestly, every Democrat should just be like, you know what? We're going to kill landlords. You know what I mean?

They just be Mao because they will call you a communist either way. Right, they already are saying. Go crazy. Just be like, yeah, we're going to actually execute the, uh, everyone in Beverly who owns the, every property owner, we're going to, We have a firing squad for you. I don't know if we're there yet for that to be politically viable. I'm saying giving a shot.

We're getting close. We are getting close. Okay, why do Republicans get to be Nazis? Why can't we, why don't we get to be straight up communists? You know, they're literally holding up, they just reelected a guy who literally like has mind comp. That's true. They go full on.

So why can't? I can be like, fuck it. And by the way, we're carving out an exception for single digit show business millionaires. Kill all millionaires. Except for single. digital-digit show business millionaires. If you earned it the honest way by providing entertainment for others.

For the masses. For the masses, dude. It's populism. Come on. It is funny that I literally was thinking, and I don't, I actually don't even know what the actual, like, plan is, but the timing of New York City taxing rich people and me having money. And you getting rich. Yeah, that's tough. It really has.

It's really tough. Yeah. And I mean, I love it. I'm happy for it. I know. I know. Well, the nice thing about living in New York is like the taxes might help people. It might not immediately buy the IDF a jet pack. You know what I mean? I mean, at least in New York, it's a coin flip. Whether it's a public library or a lot of the NYPD stuff trickles that way. That is true. But, you know, we could keep the libraries open for a couple hours longer. Exactly. And send the jetpack. And yes. And the cops get to just get overtime for. standing around on a sidewalk and not doing anything. But at least sort of you could get a little. But yeah, I know, dude.

The property taxes, I'm like, fuck, yeah. I'm putting my money where my mouth is. That's not an issue for me. I mean, I haven't bought in a place. Property hasn't become one of my concerns. I know. It is funny. We were talking because we just had a beautiful pizza dinner a couple days ago.

And your oven straight up doesn't work. Yeah. Which I think people would be shocked to find out about Severance's Zach Cherry. Well, an Emmy nominated actor does not have a working oven for pizza. Well, no, it works. Okay. It works, but it does, it's kind of temperamental where some months it needs to preheat for four or five hours. Okay, okay, okay, okay.

You got to slow roast the oven. You got to know in the morning that you're going to want to heat up a sleaze of pizza that night. And then you're fine. So, yeah. And then you, in the morning, you're like, I think I'll be, I'll be in the mood. for pizza around 8 p.m. So I'll send an alarm for 4 p.m. But it works-ish.

And this has happened before. Okay. And like I always do, I didn't do anything about it. I complained to my friends. And then it started working. There you go. Okay. It's a very easy system.

What about your landlord? Have you ever considered? Yeah, we have a good relationship. Okay. Yeah. Because you allow your oven to be broken forever? Sure, maybe. Maybe.

I do, I do, I've lived in the same place for like 12 of years. Oh, hell yeah. So, you know, we have... I love that. We've developed a dynamic that works for both. Okay, that's good. Does it include me not complaining about the oven? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But any day, I could. Any day, you're going to bring it up. Yeah, we'll see. You should, do you store stuff in there? Like, you see New Yorkers put... Because I try to use it all the time. Because every once in a while, okay, I love that.

Yeah. And you, and I suggested an air fry, and you said you're already maxed out counter space. Yeah, I am. We had to bring in additional counter space, and then that is also maxed out. And that's maxed out. Okay, can we run through? Because to me, air fryer might be my number one thing I need on there. I've never had one, so I don't know what I'm missing. I see. Okay, so then what, okay, for me, I would go air fryer, uh, rice cooker. Rice cook is right. We have the rice cooker. Okay, we got this, we got the Zogi Rushi. Zogi Rushi. I've been, yes, the big one. The big one. Okay, respect. Yes. The one that plays a little song for you when you're, it plays twinkle, Biggle Little Star.

And when I hear that, dude, my dick gets hard for fresh rice, dude. I'm Pavlov's dog with that shit, dude. This shit's awesome. All right, so rice cooker, I respect. We got rice cooker. What are we, a coffee situation? Yeah. Let me work from right to left.

Give us a fucking minority report. Okay. So we got the Zohirushi here. Okay. In front of the Zohirushi, we've got my dogs, raw hide. They're not raw. but like bully sticks that I keep.

Okay, wow. They just sit there. Can I be honest, that's a crazy prime spot for the dog's bully sticks, dude? It's because I need access to those every day. Okay, okay, okay. They really live up here on the shelf above my head.

Okay, okay, okay, but that's kind of where they are right now. So there's an on-deck circle and the batters box also. And that's where the can of beans I don't use always goes too. I just sort of rest the can of beans there. The can of beans and the raw. I buy the tortillas,

and I'm planning on making burritos. Sure, sure, sure. Cana beans got to stay there. then I kind of don't get to it. Of course. So it just sits there. I get that. I get that. Then we got a full toaster.

Oh, dude. Not toaster oven. Toaster. Wow. Four slices. Four slicer? Dude. This is crazy.

You got a four slice toaster and dog treats. And you can't get a fucking air for you. All right. I'll stop interrupting. Then we move over here. We have, and I generally don't notice some type of coffee contraption. Okay. I'm not a coffee guy. My wife is a coffee person.

That's fine. seed the coffee to the wife. She has a, you know, some sort of titration. Love that. Going on. Love that. Whatever thing. Then we have the, um, blender.

The, the, whatever the nice. Yeah, yeah, the big vitamins. Vitamix, that's your sushi. That's the, I use a lot. That's the one. And I do use the toaster. Yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah.

We, we love a piece of toast. I like, you know, I do respect that, but it's like, you could have a toast function. You could just toast it in the oven, but as we discussed. Right. Right. No oven. That's going to be... Well, that's what I'm saying.

You can't do that for breakfast. Of course. You start the oven the night before. Yeah, which actually feels actually like the best way to do it. You could do it. Because you know you want toast when you go to bed. Yeah. Although I'm actually not really a morning toast guy.

Oh, interesting. I make toast as a like, I am hungry, but I shouldn't order pizza. Of course. A little pick-me-up snack. I got you. Have a piece of toast with, you know, a variety of, you know, depending on what I'm in the move for. I see that. Dude, if I need a sweet treat, I'll go jam.

If I need something else, I'll go garlic and butter. I love that. Yeah, toast and butter. Is it the best single bite? Like, it's up there in the single bite, best single bite tournament. Fresh.

Damn, dude. We got to. Just melted. We should just, honestly, we steal doughboys. Dude, we could crush that, dude. If me and you started a food podcast, Mitch would kill himself. We would absolutely steamroll those pussies, dude. He would be extremely upset. It would negatively affect his life big time.

We just completely ruin the life of our friend for fun. We don't stick with it. And we just cover the restaurants in the exact order. Oh, dude. You completely steal everything they do, but just with us. Yeah. That would be an old-fashioned, like, Hollywood trick. I think we should.

We should do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To Wild West the podcast space a little bit. Yeah. Right? Yeah. It's like old vaudeville. There were no rules, dude. You can't copyright.

You can't copyright at the restaurants. And by the way, we're at Wigers not even fat. That fat. He used to be fat. He claims he used to be fat. I'm skeptical. Yeah. We would destroy them.

And they're kind of tall. I mean, that is. How dare they both be tall talk about food? That is a major issue. And we deserve to be the food and fast food podcasters. Mitch is fat, sure. Sure. But big.

If we're talking, you know, societal value. If we're talking ratios. Of course. If we're plugging into the BMI. Dude, he said he was like, compete. I know. He said he was 350, and I was like, I was 350, but he's six to, too, at I'm five, seven. Exactly. Yeah.

Okay. This, we're going to do this. We're going to start with the first bite down. First bite tournament. Best bite humanity has to offer tournament. Yeah. They're doing much madness. I guess it already happened since it's mid-April right now.

As everybody knows, it is mid-April. I knew that. We were just talking about our. plans for 420. That's right. We're just talking about Easter plans. You know, I'm assuming you're a very religious way. I have my suit already.

Oh, you would cry. I got my pastels. A pastel, you would look awesome in one of those. Any religious stuff growing up? What's the fam doing? Yes. Okay. Just sort of generically Christian.

Generically Christian. You know, Protestant. Oh, okay. No specifics. Interesting. Just sort of as vague as possible. Yeah, like, yeah, we're Christian, I guess. guess.

Yeah. So your parents were both Jersey. So are you, are you, do you go back? Can you trace your lineage generations back into Jersey? No, no,

no, no. My parents moved to Jersey kind of just before my older brother was born, I think. Okay. My dad is from Alabama. My mom is from Illinois.

Oh. So we're Central American stock. Central America. Calling that Central America. I'm Central American. Honestly, if you said

you were fucking on the resident, no one is saying. No one is stopping you, dude. I can sort of slide into any... You can slide... You have a nice... Yeah. Every single ethnicity has approached me and said,

I think you are my cousin. You honestly look a lot like my uncle. I'm like, if you... If you like shit... Like, yeah, my uncle doesn't have a big ass beard. Yeah. But I think if he went, if he grew his beard out,

you kind of look... He's a piece of shit, no disrespect, but... I'll take it. Fun, actually, not a... You know what, he's not a piece of shit. He's just kind of a dork. You know when a dork... That's right to be cool?

Yeah. Yeah. He's kind of like that. He would be very vulgar. Seems like I like him. My fat uncle, Dimitri, who has diabetes is so out of control and he has not stopped eating. Like, dude, he's awesome. He actually is the man.

And he knows the best restaurants. I literally have to get. Is he live in New York? No, he's in Athens. Yeah, yeah. I'm not making it over there. Dude, if you come, I would love to get my uncle. Truly, my uncle is like, my aunt and uncle, they are, we are so related because all they care about.

as restaurants. Like, they know every fucking great, like, I need to get a full list. You know, I need to go to Greece and be like, spend the summer eating around Greece with them and come up with the greatest guidebook, like a fat Greek guys, a fat 60-year-old Greek guy. Actually, my uncle. And you know what? We got to hurry because he, let's just say the fat years calculator. He's really, he's in the multiplier.

He's in the DDR multiplier. He's been flawless for 20 minutes, basically, on a D. D.R machine that's fucking lighting up, dude. Let me just say he's got a flawless fat streak at least since the late 70s. Let's make this happen. We need to make this happen quick, dude. I do want to have access.

I want this list to exist. We need the list to exist. It's for posterity. And I think they would get a kick out of taking me and my fat friends around. Honestly, that's maybe the dream fat house. We, as, I don't know if we ever said it on the podcast, but we are in a group, a fat group chat with me,

me, Zach, Gabris, and Mitch. our fat Illuminati. Absolutely. We're making the people we didn't see in our youth. Exactly, exactly. We are creating the fat Illuminati. We're getting auxiliary members in. We talked about Carl Tart, he's just not fat enough.

Otherwise, Carl would be a prime member. He's just two-eth could dunk in his youth. Yeah. Just a different experience, you know. And even Mitch is big, but he was, he never got pussy, so he kind of spiritually is five-five. You know, he's basically a, he's so pretty. pathetic that he turned being 6255 somehow. You and him sort of swapped essences.

We really did. I know. That is true. At puberty, you guys kind of got your wires crossed. But yeah, this is good. We're going to make this fucking happen. So just vague generic, vague, generic Christianity. Although we did one time.

I was like an active member of this community. I was in the youth group. Hell yeah, dude. I was doing this skits. I went to the Greek Orthodox Youth of America. I was in that group. What is that? Just kind of a youth group.

Like, you know. But you would like hang out. Yeah, we would do like paintball shit. Yeah, yeah. And we did go on a trip together one time. And one of the youth pastors, I was asleep for this. Supposedly started speaking tongues in the middle of the night and freaked out all the other groups. And they left in the middle of the night.

Dude, that's fucking awesome. Yeah. So I was like. Speaking in tongues. I was like, so maybe maybe our church was weirder than I. I remember, but I, that's the only one. Yeah, because speaking in tongues is not what you're describing. No.

That is not generic. No, and that wasn't my experience of it. I guess they waited until I went to sleep. Right. And then they would all kind of get together. I love that shit. I love what, I mean, every one of those people is clearly faking it. It's crazy.

But some of them don't think they are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, they truly believe. That's not to have so little control of your own brain that you do something and pretend. And in the moment you pretend. You can just scare yourself. You can make yourself laugh.

I know. It's true. It's probably beautiful existence. I mean, it takes me like, to be fair, though, it takes me like six hours of having a bad day to be on the brink of being like, of being like, you could, you could probably like sex traffic me. Like in my brain, like, if I'm bummed out for eight straight hours, I'm like so susceptible to religion. I start talking to God. I like to believe that I've been, I've been made bulletproof. Through, honestly, basically that one experience where I had already kind of not liked that guy.

My parents were like, he's fine. And I was like, seems a little weird to me. So I'm cult stuff. I'm allergic to it. I think. I know what you mean. Now someone will get me. Yeah.

I mean, I would love to have my own cult. I think I'd be great at that. I wouldn't even want that. Yeah, yeah. I don't want to be around people that much. You're more of a homebody. I was apologizing because it's a beautiful day. and I'm actually pissed that I have to podcast

This is what I do for you fucking assholes Do you understand that? It's so nice. It's so nice. I haven't been in New York for three consecutive days for months And it's the first time I get to enjoy it. It's like, but what am I doing? I'm fucking pot.

So just know, I care about you. Okay? I make sacrifices. But you were like, oh, I don't care. I wasn't going to be outside. No, I probably would have. I might have seen Crime 101 again. Oh, fuck.

It looks always a good. Yeah, I liked it a lot. Yeah. But not necessarily enough to see it again, but Sundays are my movie day. I like to get out of the house, go see a movie. And we're kind of in a period where I've seen most of, you know, what's out there.

Interesting. Dude, that's a nice, that's your little ritual. You fucking, do you pair it with like, do you wake up? Because I did, I at least got a nice morning today. I woke up, got a coffee, walked around, had a bagel. Although heartbreaking, just moving to a new neighborhood and the bagel place around the corner. sucks. Yeah, that's real.

Because it's right around the corner, so you're like, if this place is good, my life is set. I lucked into legit one of the best bagel places in New York is in my neighbor. This place, Knickerbocker bagel in Bushwick. Someone recently did a list of best bagels in New York. I think it was number two. Wow. I believe they have locations in, I might need some help with this.

Eldis. I believe they have a location in Bushwick and one in like Seoul. Soul Korea. That's awesome. The guy like, Well, there is actually a great, in a story where we are, there is a great bagel place that is Korean run and they have a Bulgogi bagel. This place is just classic bagels, but I think, I swear on their website, it'll say they have two locations. Anyway, I lucked into this being about a local bagel shop and it's incredible.

Hell yeah, dude, good for you. Why don't you fucking keep scrolling down, dumbass? Figure. Best bagels in New York. All right, whatever. they didn't immediately tell us our locations so far just New York

they must have closed the soul was closed maybe they were like supporting the fascist president that they now that they're out yeah yeah yeah yeah back up maybe the fascist president that they put in jail

loved Knickerbocker bagels sorry I don't want to actually I don't know that I'm not slandering you Knickerbocker bagels and I may have fully made that up I swear to God when I first looked up their website they had a location in some insane area

Yeah. Well, a lot of places will have like a location like fucking Dubai or some shit. Yeah. Which that's kind of a red flag to me. Sure. But that doesn't usually happen at the local bagels shop. Of course, of course. Or the like KFC or whatever. Some about bagels is Dubai doesn't really want over there.

Something about maybe who would make the best bagels. They're not interested in importing them to Dubai all of a sudden. I don't know what that's about. But, hey, is Dubai even still exist right now? Who fucking knows? In mid-April, of course. In mid-April, yeah, as we know, it is mid-April and Dubai has had consistent shelling.

It is really funny to think about like British, like British fucking, like, rich, like, ladies with, like, crazy filler and they're, like, dumb, like, weird husbands being in Dubai for on holiday and just getting shit exploded around them is pretty funny. But, you know, we hope nobody dies

that doesn't have to, I guess, or whatever the fuck. we can bleep that let's bleep that out for Zach he's got a career he's got a career not so much lately I've been basically just hanging out

that is nice because being an actor sucks dick compared like I've realized how little they pay actors and shit and how much like you have to go to bullshit

like you know that's like I respect you because you don't want to go to award shows you don't want to go to anything I don't I barely want to leave the house like today I did, I did, I had a semi-miserable morning because I'm trying to,

I'm trying to keep the fat multiplier away. So I've started pelotoning a lot. I did a, I did a one-hour peloton this morning. Wow. Holy shit, that's kind of, yeah. It's, by the way, thank you. It's so nice out that you were in your house, pelotoning, put on my little sweatband, opened up the shade, opened up the shade so I could see. The empty apartment across the street.

And I just peddled away. Damn. Yeah. How's that? You like the Peloton? I do. I like that it's inside my house. Are you always a homebody?

Even as a kid, you were just hanging out? Yeah, for the most part. I was, I largely am a homebody. I'm like cruising towards full-on hermit. Yeah. And the second I have the funds to do it. Oh, yeah. I'm not coming out of that house.

You're just going to get a fucking, but yeah. There is something nice about, because I like going outside, but I also love the idea that I could have. Maybe it's getting, maybe everybody who, like, lived through COVID now has this latent desire to have your home be tricked out. So if you're forced inside again, because it doesn't feel like we're going to get, doesn't feel like we're getting further away from global events that forces to live in our home for an unidentified period. You know what I mean? It doesn't feel like that's that, I mean, another one could be on the way, some kind of nuclear. or fallout, who fucking knows. Absolutely.

And it would be a dream to be tricked out. I'd love to have like a room that's like fucking, I got a sauna in that bitch. That is the dream. New York City, not the place for it. Tough. Tough to do it. Yeah. But you know what you should do?

Find one of your other friends' apartments. Yeah. You should scatter your saunas throughout your friends. I have different. Yeah. I have friends with an extra bedroom and I rent it out and have different activities I do. Yeah. That's actually not an bad idea.

Connect them with tunnels. tunnel connection, we all hang out. That sounds fucking awesome. That's kind of the dream. Yeah. Because I like my friends. Of course. I like being connected.

In their spaces. But I kind of just want to, you know. Yeah. I get that. What were, any hobbies as a child? Did you anything in your youth? I was a theater kid. Theater kid.

I mean, honestly, I was an improv child. Oh, no. I've been doing improv. Huge piece of shit. Since I was in fifth grade. Are you serious? Yeah. You're a fucking improv messy, dude.

You were in the Youth Academy. You know what's funny, I went to a summer, like a performing art summer camp. They had improv. And when they would do like counselor sets, I would participate. That's awesome. So they bumped you up to varsity? You're the 13 year old to plays varsity? I was a little improv messy.

I was running around. Just, uh, dude. You should see this guy. Dude, you should see this guy fucking adapt to whatever you throw out of. This motherfucker, dude, this is a nine-year-old yes-ands at a 14-year-old level. I was in advance the improviser. That's fucking incredible. Although I think I was mostly just like repeating stuff I heard on the Simpsons.

But like compared to everyone else at the time, it was like even being able to like madlib of other things was enough to kind of like, you know. Wow, that's crazy. But yeah, I was big time theater and improv kid early. And now. how much were you bullied? Not that much. Not that much. Okay.

Because first of all, I didn't tell anyone about it. Of course, smart. I wasn't being... You're probably mysterious. And still today. I'm shocked to find this out.

Good for you. And I mean, I still, I have a show tonight. I will tell no... This doesn't come out for... Yeah. So luckily, this doesn't count. I will tell no one about it.

Constantly people are like, hey, you ever perform? And I'm like, I did five shows this week. They're like, what the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't like, I don't like, like to tell anyone about it. I just like to do it.

You see improv as a disease that you have to like to do it to get out of your system. It's like somebody who's like half vampire who like you're in the shadows like drinking dead raccoons and shit because you don't want to. Yeah. Me doing improv is the version of,

it's like Wesley Snipes developing a serum. To keep you from being a full blown. But not. I don't advertise it so that I can keep it. I respect that too. Yeah. But like I was, yeah, I was theater.

That was my thing. Yeah. But being funny in the theater. Of course. I was the kid who the guy, our like theater guy who was great. He like, I wouldn't, you know, be doing it if it wasn't the name kind of guy. That's awesome. He would just give me, we would like do Shakespeare and he'd be like, you can play this little part and literally do whatever you want.

So I would like walk out and be like, hey. That's awesome. I'm like, I'm Mercutio. And he would just like, let me do it. You summon your fucking nose at me, brother? How dare you thumb your shit at me, motherfucker? I didn't even know enough of the lines to get in. That's the only one I remember.

Yeah, you allowed me to make it look like I knew Shakespeare. That's the only thing I remember. But yeah, so that was my come up. Okay, I get that. What about the rest of your, like you said, you have an older brother? Older brother. Were they in, do you have other siblings? Nope.

One older brother. What was his vibe? The reason I wasn't bullied is I went to a very serious. small school. Gotcha. And I started when I was in... It would be awesome if this was like a religious school. It's like you clearly were in a cult. Everything you say, you're only now really like, you're in a cult. You're like really small. It was actually

homeschool. We all... Everyone was a member of my family. Yeah. And we did, we had, um, sucking sections. Yeah. Everyone except my, the priest was my direct, in my family.

And he came and he would do these like, these, he would lead us in a meditation where everybody closes their eyes and has their mouth open. No, I just went to a small... I was a... I grew up in Trenton. Yeah.

I went to public. Trenton takes the world make. Or when Trenton makes the world takes. Yes. I love the passive aggressive Trenton sign. I mean, it's kind of... It's like, it is the thing that is, uh... That's our big source of city pride is that bridge and slogan.

It is a great, it's a great slogan. I don't, I honestly don't really know what. What we made. I think it was steel. Improved prodigies. That's right. That's right. They're talking about you, dude.

You're their big export. I'm the modern export. That's tough. That's really tough. That is actually, I actually do feel bad. Trent leads the world. Trend leaves the world in character actors. You put in a serious drama for a little relief.

A little change of pace. I mean, hey. If you're going to make it that list, I'm near the top. Are you near? You're the number one, dude. But then I, in kindergarten, my teacher was like, we got to get this kid. We got to get this kid to the big league. Yeah. So I started at a very small private school in first grade.

Wow. And went there through graduation. Gotcha. So I had known everyone. By the time I was eligible to be bullied, I'd already done the work laying the base layer of relationships and inocular. That's kind of beautiful. Yeah, it was great. So did your, was your brother going to that school too?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I, I, I'm, that's like, one of the reasons I don't go outside of them much, that's all still my friends. It's like, oh, interesting. The guys I've known since I was, you know, I'm, yeah, me. I have my eldest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't employ them or hang out with them as much, but I do like them. It's, I really would not have suggested.

It's one of the worst decisions I've ever made in my life. And I don't think any Albanians in my, in my circle. None. None, Trenton. I apologize. What about? Greeks. Greeks, not that I know of.

Not that I know of in the crew. Yeah, yeah. Fuck, dude. So you and the boys, you and the boys from the small private school, was it religious? No. No. Just a day school. Like some Montessori type shit?

No, it was just like a, it started as, it started like in the 30s as a all boys school. Okay, okay. But then it became more regular by the time I got there. The skull and bone stuff was going. gone. There was no jacking off. There was no secret societies. I think that was all gone by the time I got there. I could see when they started Trenton being like

a power city. Well, this also, the school was not in Trent. The school was in Princeton. In Princeton? Oh, uh-oh. Yeah. So maybe there was some skull and bones type shit. Yeah, but again, not while I was. They waited until I went to sleep. Yeah, yeah.

Spoken tongues. Jacking all, having gay sex while speaking Latin. That's some shit you got do if you go to private school in Princeton. Yeah. That's fucking hilarious, dude. Is Princeton right by Trenton? It's like 20 minutes.

Gotcha. Close. Is it like every Ivy League, it seems like, around it is a bunch of dog shit. Was there like a bunch, was there shitty neighborhood? Like, is Princeton shit? Princeton's very nice. Princeton's very nice. Very nice.

Very rich. Very like kind of all the surrounding suburbs. If you, when you were, when we were grown up, if you wanted to go like hang out, you'd go into Princeton because they had like a rest of. Restaurants. Right. Right, right, right, right, right. No, it's very fancy.

Did you go to, like, do you go to, like, you go to fancy college? I went to Amherst College, so kind of. Okay, yeah. That's in fucking Boston or what? It's out, it's like two hours outside of Boston. Oh, okay. Yeah. Interesting.

Continued your improv career, your illustriced improv career? That was actually genuinely a part of why I chose Amherst because they had, they had an improv team. You're looking at the improv teams, dude. You're fucking God. I mean, it was also at the time the number one ranked college. It was number one ranked college. You're being scounded by improv teams. But I did.

They had an improv team that performed every week. Okay. And I like that. You like that. Get direction. A lot of the other schools, it was like once a quarter or whatever. Whatever. You can't keep this man off the stage.

No, I was, uh, who's line bound. You were fucking hungry, dude. Yeah. You're watching. You're watching Who's line. You're like, mockery, I'm coming for your ass. Yeah. Wayne Brady.

There's a new sheriff in town, motherfucker. And I didn't, it didn't last long enough for me to get there. Although they did bring it back for a while. Whose line? I wasn't invited. Right, right, right. We should start, we should again do a different. We should steal Who's Loss.

You can't just do fat. Yeah, yeah. Whose sandwich? Yeah. Great minds, dude. You know, it's like, there's like the UFC for riffing. It's like different. We came up, you're improv.

Improved. You know what I mean? Stand-up. Stand-up slash not getting bullied in Baltimore City Public Schools. But yeah, what is podcasting of not the UFC for riffing? You know what I mean? It's a beautiful way to think of it. It's so beautiful, yeah.

That's so fucking funny. All right, nice. Then you get out of Amherst, come back. Come back and then UCB. To do improv. Fuck, yeah, dude. And it is awesome that there exists something where you probably, people were like scared when you were walking around. and like treated you like with reverence.

Not really. Come on. I mean, I didn't. I also didn't really like hang out. Right. That's probably more powerful. Because when you were around, they're like, oh, fuck, Zach. I just gonna fucking blow me off the stage.

Because the thing is, that is how those dorks think about shit like this. Improft people are hilariously competitive. Yes, there is a lot of... More than stand-up. You'd think stand-ups are like, I mean, like, I do feel like improv people pretend to be friends and would stab each other in the back. There's a lot of, like, petty-hose. school type shit in that world.

But I mostly was not. You were above it, baby. I wasn't around. You're floating. You're Dr. Manhattan, dude. They're all mortals. You're fucking floating around, getting ready to riff. I also had like a full-time job while I was like coming up doing improv.

So I wasn't, I didn't want to like hang out. I wanted to clock in, put in my time. Yep. Doing the most beautiful art form in the world. A lot of people say it's sort of the most free. Of course. and representative of the human spirit. Of course.

It's definitely not... Stand up is sort of... You kind of have to repeat yourself. It's not a warm-up activity for real art. You have to pretend that you're just thinking of this stuff as you're saying it. Meanwhile, I get up there with you're not saying it. Instead of just making up bullshit. Meanwhile, I connect with the people there.

And this show wouldn't have happened without them. But stand-up is fine. Stand-up is good. But, you know, a lot of people kind of think improvising. is improv is yeah they definitely don't think it's an acting exercise that people have stretched out way too fucking thin that's for sure i mean layup lines are an exercise for for the NBA right you know it's like would you watch televised layup lines that's what that's a great actually thank you jack that's actually a perfect analogy would you pay to watch people do layup lines hold on sorry that's what improv is sorry hold on what i meant to say layup lines

stand-up is layup. Okay. Nice try, dude. And scene. Got your ass. I'm going to get destroyed in the improv group chats after that. You're so fucked. They send me here specifically to defend our art form.

The Trojan horse me. The whole first 30 minutes I was sitting here waiting like, when are we going to defend improv? When am I going to throw the layup line in algae? You crap and blew it. See, dude, that's what happens when you plan. An improviser must be free. I've taught you

that's right about your own art form. You did. I should have arrived here with quiet mind and,

you know. I didn't let you zip zaps up. That's what did it, dude. You didn't. I didn't let you warm up. We kind of fucking walked

right in and got started. I was like, are we not gonna, are we not gonna feel our bodies in the space? No, no, obviously stand-up is incredibly,

we were both doing incredibly embarrassing things. What do you, before a show, what do you do to warm up? Oh, dude, I saw,

I saw Mitch and fucking Zach, uh, and Zach, uh, I saw Mitch Gabris, uh, Mitch Gabris and Wigert, I went to the doughboys show in DC and they went up to each other and were like, whatever, whatever happens up there, I have your back. Got your back. That's an improv. And I was like, you guys have to be fucking kidding. No, it's a beautiful, you guys, you guys, we're not going into war, you fucking pussy's. We're about to fucking go podcast on stage. Yeah, but we're going to change people's lives out there and we take that responsibility. Seriously. That's the thing.

It's like they were serious. It's a magic trick. What we do is a magic trick. People can't believe what they're seeing. That's true, man. You know what? You got me there. I respect improv.

And have five of the last nine shows I've done been bad. Even though I've been doing it since fifth grade. Yes. But that's why it's fun. That's what's beautiful. It's like NASCAR. You're there for the car crashes. Yeah, of course.

And I will give you one. I can't wait to get to the point. The beauty of stand-up is like that happens, but it's like, then you convince yourself you're a genius. When you start bombing, you're like, they don't get it.

Actually, I'm just too fucking ahead of the curve. I actually, unfortunately, kind of have reached that point where I, when I bomb, I'm like,

this is better than doing good. Yeah. I'm like, you're telling it like it is. Doing good is kind of normal for me. Yeah. That's slavish devotions. Yeah.

That kind of feels nice. That's artistically interesting. To me, killing is nothing. Killing is old hat. That is so funny. You were doing it. You're about to start postmodern improv, dude. You're about to do the next wave.

Ask some of the people have seen the last few times I've been up there. I've been doing it. All right. Now you're actually, now I'm interested. Go check out, Zach. You'll never know when he's performing, and he's probably telling people to keep his name off the website. But just go. Yeah.

I love that, dude. Just absolutely fighting, getting famous as much as you can. Well, good luck, pal. It's not going to work. We should fucking take some calls. What do you say, Elders? Let's do it. Yeah, I'm glad.

I can't wait for you to help the people, Zach. This is good. And this is the point where we plug things, but what we're going to say is stop looking for Zach. We're doing a reverse plug. Yes. He does not want to be seen. Stop trying to find him. I guess see the stuff he's been in, right?

You know what? I would like to plug if you could put as much missing. information about me out there. Okay, all right, great, great. As possible so people can't even find me. Oh, I like that. That would be appreciated. Yeah.

Zach is from Trinidad and Tobago. Sure. I guarantee you there's a bunch of people there who think I'm their cousins. So that's fine. It's fine. That's right. His father played Sega, not Nintendo. Yes.

That's the kind of. Famously. Famously. His dad was a big Sonic guy. My dad does know how to use Google Alerts, so he probably will see this. and he will be mad about it. I take it back, Mr. Cherry, you love Nintendo. He's going to be like, I didn't play Sega.

What are you talking about? What was that guy talking about? Fuck that guy. I've become your father's sworn enemy now. No, he would like you more than me. Bring him around, dude. We should do family, family pods. I'm not joking.

My dad would fucking love to come on this show. Dude, bring dad. He is very funny and he thinks he's funny. Awesome. That's actually so sick. I can't wait. Actually, this is a good thing. thing.

Because imagine and then Mitch and his mom. I would do it. That would be awesome. And my dad would be honestly, it would go to his head.

It would change our relationship forever. But I'd be willing. Your dad's going to come on this show more than you. He's going to come to do like fucking Patreon episodes. She's going to do cushy brothers.

We're going to smoke weed and do the news with your dad. All right. Let's play some fucking calls. Eldonce. Hi. I'm Davy. Eldis.

Esteemed guest. Love you guys. Listen every week. Savvy, your last fucking love it makes me so happy. Anyway, I need some advice or maybe more an opinion, what you guys think. So when I met my boyfriend, he had a dog already. He just got his dog like nine months before he and I met. Like I love this dog. I fucking love this dog so much. I love him as if he's my own. And, And up until that, we've been together for nine years. And I've never, he's never asked me to pay for or to help pay for his vet bills.

Now, I do a lot for this dog. Like I said, I just, I love him so much. And it's so strange that for the first time in nine years, or this is the first time he's asking. me when I've just started grad school. So obviously, like, I'm not working that much. I'm not bringing in a lot of revenue. And, oh, and also I have my own kid. Oh, shit.

Okay, that is relevant. I have to pay for whatever, close school trips, whatever you need. And I never have my partner to help me pay or to pay at the time. pay at all. So when he asked me to chip in, I said I can't really commit to that right now because I am in school and I've got my kid. Like I've got it like I'm on this budget and besides which he makes three times more than I do. Holy shit. What the fuck? Salary wise. I mean that's on kind of all we need to know. Is there more eldest?

He doesn't, I don't know if he really needs that help. He just kind of wants it. He's a dickhead. What do you think? I would, if I could, I would contribute. But this is a hard time right now. All right, we got it. Yeah, I mean, this is.

I'm really glad I'm here for this. Yeah, please, Zach, do you have something? No, I want to hear your, I know we've discussed our opinions on dogs. Of course, yes, that's true. You have your immigrant sensibility regarding you. I really do not respect. So let's hear what do you have to say about this. Okay.

I'm going to take myself out of this, right? This is not about me. We're talking about our friend. If this was me, I would be like, I don't fucking, I mean, whatever. Look, I'll take myself out of this, right? For this woman, a couple things are interesting here. She's dating someone for, she said nine years. Nine years.

Nine years is a, like, I guess my first question is, what's going on here? She's got a kid. They've been together nine years. you're talking about this as if it's like, like, do you guys live together? What's the long-term plan? How serious is it? Because I would say, before knowing about the payment disparities,

I would say asking you to go half on a pet is in some ways signs that you're getting closer together, right? In some ways it's a sign that like, oh, this is serious, we're essentially a married couple or we're working our way towards, like our lives have just been intertwined objectively. And hey, now that this is where we feel comfortable in this relationship, if we were two people making the same amount and we both love the dog, we both, this has kind of become a part of our lives,

it's not crazy to ask a partner to chip in for a dog that you've been. Your shared. Exactly. At this point, when you met him, it was a puppy, but you've been with the dog for nine years. Right. It's a part of your life. Yeah.

And the dog is kind of probably on its way to the multiple. That is true. Yeah, yeah. We don't know how big the dog is. We don't know how big a dog. You know, big dog. It's not lasting long.

True. So I would say in a vacuum, if that's the problem, I would say, this isn't a crazy ask. You guys have been together for a while. You're just kind of melding your life together. This might even be a sign that he wants to take things more seriously.

But, first of all, I'm curious on how serious this relationship is. Is it like a lover's thing where you're dating, but you both have, you know, you're busy, you have a kid.

He's got some high-paying job. you don't see anybody else, but you guys keep it, you have a non-traditional relationship that works for you where you both kind of keep your life separate. That's one possibility. So I'm like, and even in that case, then I'm like, well, he should really then just take care of his dog. Yeah.

That's the case. Right. Is the dog the only thing that you're now kind of? Right. Do you live together? How much time do you spend together? Yeah, is the dog your only shared thing? And if that's the case, that's kind of weird.

but ultimately I would say like if you know you're still in the right and you shouldn't pay anything in that case it's kind of strange for him to be the one who to introduce this because hey if now the floodgates are open for our shared stuff it's like is there other stuff he should be chipping in on whatever but now the the the instructive part for me that actually overrides all this is he makes three times what she fucking makes yeah that's fucking crazy and you said and you said you said you said you said And also, oh, right, I have the kid. That was sort of late in the call. Totally. And by the way, he's been, I guess that's another thing. He's been in this kid's life in nine years? Nine years. Presumably the kid.

Yeah. Predates the relationship. Right, right, right. That'd be awesome if he didn't. That'd be awesome if she's got a four-year-old by somebody else. In the middle of a nine-year-old. Or maybe she just had a kid with somebody else. And he's like, and he's just the most passive-aggressive guy.

He's like, pay for half of the dog food. He's mad. She's cheated. on him at a kid, but won't bring that up at all. I need money for kibble, bitch. That would be really funny. But presumably that's not the case. No, I doubt it. So, I like that guy though. That guy would be awesome. Like, buy fucking milk bones or whatever. Put them on the counter. Uh, okay. So,

I guess that's my, oh, that's my question. It's like, this to me feels like a really good opportunity to take stock of your relationship. Because what you're describing makes no sense to me. It is confusing. I have no handle on what the fuck is going on. How committed is he to your fucking kid? Like,

we're talking about, yeah, you've been around his dog for nine years. He's been around your fucking kid for nine years. I mean, and it is crazy to say, like, I know you need to use this money for

your kid stuff. Of course. Yeah, Johnny needs braces. Can I have it for my dog? But my dog's coat is looking as lustrous as usual. Yeah. I'd love to get my dog

red light therapy. Could your kid not get new glasses in this fucking year? So anyway, that's my big, like, okay, if we're just going to do the facts of the case, three times as much, it's crazy for him to ask you that. Then my spidey senses are like,

why is he asking you that? Is it an honest, like, hey, I want us to meld our lives together, but I don't want to have the conversation. So I'm just kind of, like, like, is that the case? In which case, let's talk about where I're relationship is going. But to me, this is a really good moment for you to be like, hey, what is our

fucking relationship? Yeah, that makes sense. What's going on here? You've, you've come down a lot more reasonably than I anticipated. You thought I was going to say, I'm glad the dog is alive. I'm glad the dog still is a home. Look, it ain't my fucking dog. If I had a dog, so I come to my fucking root. Like, I think it's, people are going to be so mad at me. I just think dogs should be outside. They should be eating your leftovers. If a dog needs surgery, The dog is dead as far as you know what I mean like if a dog needs surgery No no give it feed it wag you until it dies but I'm not spending two two grand on a dog That's my stance for me that's we're racking that up pretty quick on my on my dog

Maybe I wouldn't now because I haven't enough money but like when I was fucking broke I'm not spending money on I didn't have a dog until I okay that's fair it's a luxury thing Anyway, that's, I do have an immigrant sensibility on dogs. People know this if I were to speak. If I would make my notes clear about the Michael Vick situation, people would be very upset at me if they knew how I really felt in my heart. Right? And I'm not putting, I'm not putting that out there. I'm not, I'm not on record about that, right?

But in this case, I can put all that aside and be an objective. This is not about the dog. This could be his, this could be anything that. the guy is asked before, right? It's about the dog. Now, my first instinct, of course, kids nine years old, he could get a job and start to chip in,

start to chip in for this dog. I assume the dog is friendly with the kid. Kids fight more than nine. I'm sure she wasn't right. Probably a 12 year old. I think this is possibly a beautiful learning opportunity. Give the kids some responsibility. Put the kids to work.

Get it out of school. Have it be a full-time dog tender. Sure, yeah. Because, you know, honestly, skills-based jobs is really where we're heading. It's true. Get into a vet tech program now. You start at 12? Start a dog-walking business at 12.

You're good. Scale up. 10-X-dact business. That actually is something AI probably won't touch is dog care. Dog care. That's true. Yeah, have your kid look after your boyfriend's dog for a living. That's hard advice.

But yeah, look, make a fucking figure out what's going on here. I'd actually love to talk to this person on a live call. See if you can, you know, see if we can get them for something. And let's get more details about the dog, some pictures maybe. Right. If there's any videos of the dog running around having fun. Yes. I'd like to see those.

I don't, listen, I'd like to see those too. It's just I don't want, anyway, it doesn't matter. I think dogs are, I'm not anti-dog. I just think we pamper them too much in America, that's all. But, you know, you have a cute dog named Shrek. I do. I almost wore, I have, my mother-in-law got me a shirt that has my dog on it. and a little heartbeat thing.

And I almost wore today just to piss you off. Just to piss me off about how much, yeah, people fucking love their dogs too much. But anyway, whatever, it's fine. It's fine. There's nothing to interrogate the people spend thousands of dollars on their dogs, but there's homeless people everywhere in America. That's not weird.

I didn't know about that. I'm just hearing about that, and I'm going to adjust my spending. You're saying all over America. All over America. All I'm saying is, well, maybe we have a moral high ground when I ignore a home. Maybe we have a housing supply issue because the podcasting studios are filling up.

Spare bedrooms across Queens are filled with podcasting equipment. We have fucking four of these peppered in each borough just in case you need to. I do right now have three spaces that are technically a podcast studio. We're going to get that down to one, folks. Anyway, good luck. Good luck, sister. Uh-oh. Oh, no.

Fuck, what the hell is going on? Shit, I'm scared, Eldis. I'm fucking scared. Is it time? To keep it twisted? Oh, holy shit, what the hell? There's no shot this fits on my hell. Wow.

Look at that. It fits my head. Holy shit. This big ass hat. Oh, it's time for the motherfucking twisted-ass-up question of the week. This isn't even on the furthest setting. See? been on my head. Twisted T is an ally

to the plus size community. That's beautiful. Look at that. Can we, Twist a T, can we get a hat for Zach? For Emmy nominated actor, Zach Cherry. That's beautiful. I haven't been able to put on an off-the-rack hat in fucking 10 years. I mean, that's the best advertising we're going to do for Twisted T.

That's beautiful. And we have the motherfucking ass fucked up question of the week. Eldis, go ahead, please. Deemed guests. Big fan. Medium amount of time, listener. I just found out that my boyfriend used to be in like a semi-serious-ish relationship with a porn star. And it's keeping it twisted as hell. It made me so insecure.

What? One of his friends mentioned it, like, on accident and passing, we didn't really talk about it for a while because he said he didn't want me to know and like we don't really talk about our exes. That's fair. I have no idea what to do. I have no idea what to do now because it makes me so so insecure about myself. Like I don't fuck professionally. You know, like she is the Roger Federer.

Also, I looked her up because, of course I did. She's not like, oh, she's done only fans a couple times. Like she's like a porn star. Like, Brasters, 350K followers on Instagram, like a star. And so it's like, yeah, you know, I don't. There's no way I'm as getting bed. Exactly. Also, our body's like really different.

Like she's like 5'2 and like giant tits. Like natural 36 h's, which is crazy. I'm like 5'8. I'm more of an ass gal. I'm Puerto Rican. I'm afraid of. I can't lie. They're cute.

They're not life-changing. They're like a solid low-level C. But they're not. She's talking about C. He's being a problem? So differently, in proportion so differently that it's like, how could you be with someone with that body and also enjoy my body? No. He probably doesn't enjoy it as much.

And then there's like this whole, like, I'm not, I'm not ugly. I don't think I'm ugly. I was like, oh my God. This is just destroyed this girl. Like, I grew up pretty hot. I've never thought of myself as like gross looking. You're probably very beautiful. But like, the social capital.

of like dating a porn star as a guy like you kind of just can't compete with that you know it's like no matter how high I am yeah I'm never gonna be someone who is professionally hot who you like porn stars are by the way brag to your friends about you know that's a you're thinking of a model I don't know what to do with this information your stars are much more conversations with him about it it's gonna make me look insecure at fuck so what do I do well it's very funny that society has gone so far? Like maybe we are too progressive because it's like

it's like one thing to not dish, look, we should not disrespect sex workers we should not think of porn stars as someone who's not deserving of real relationships. But we also shouldn't pretend that someone who's not a sex worker can't compete with dating

a porn worker because yes, there's positives but you could argue there might be some negatives to that. I'm not sure society is there yet. That might be a particular Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Neurosis, which is very understandable. Understandable. But, like, don't sweat it.

Don't sweat it. Like, here's the thing. You don't have to be professionally, first of all, he's attracted to you. He thinks you're hot, clearly. Also, something I have a problem with, and I, this is a type, this is something I face, a discrimination I face, is that, yes, I'm on record as loving big, fat jugs. But I like all jugs. That's right.

And also, someone can be hot. That can down. Why is it blocking me? A little partially. What the fuck? Why did you say something fucking sooner? You fucking idiot. The fucking thing's been going five minutes.

Anyway, whatever. Fucking dumb ass. I would say, look, he dated, like, there's, you just happen to know about the person he dated that's going to make you insecure. Right? You've learned this information. There's people you've dated that will probably make him insecure. But I think you've got to take this as a win. Like, even if you're going to think about it on your terms of like, you're, you're who he's choosing now.

Right. So you actually are what he want. Like, if I found out my wife used to date, who's the funniest guy in history? Woody Allen. I would be like, that's awesome. Right, right, right. You know, I'm the guy who got her, you know, like, so I think you can, you've got to take this as a, as a big. I think this is a W for sure.

I think, like, that actually is a good point that it's, you know, you're in that, you're in the league. You're, you're, you're in a sisterhood with this woman. And also it's like, look, people date a lot of people. And sometimes somebody, people there, and look, I'm not even going to say maybe this guy, obviously was very attracted to this person. But sometimes it's like This is actually, you know what this is? This is the flip that usually only men have to deal with. This is the flip side of the term boyfriend dick.

We heard that term where they're like, they're like, oh, your dick is, you have the perfect boyfriend dick because it's not too big. It's like a used, it's like a dick for day to day, right? And that's something that women have said as a compliment. That's something if I got the surgery, then I would achieve. Then you could get the boyfriend dick. Yeah, sure, sure.

I'd love to get there. The, the, the, the, the thought process is, oh, you have a day-to-day dick. The kind of dick I can build a life with, right? Sure, sure. I don't want one of those big, you know, show off huge pox. I got to do, you know, I got to do like stretches afterwards, whatever. Yeah. Women usually don't deal with that.

You could argue the flip side of, of that, like a woman dating a porn, a male porn star that's just, like, the flip side of that would be, you know, if I met somebody who was dating somebody who was a, yeah. a huge hog. I would maybe would be a little obscure, but I would also be like, well, she probably, that's not who she wanted to be with all the time. Right. That was probably a fling in her life.

Who knows how long it was. And, you know, this is the equivalent of like, yes, you're not shaped. You don't look, you don't, whatever, as a porn star with huge jugs or whatever. Like, that's not you. But you are also, you're also hot, and you're hot in a way that he wants to settle down

and build a life with. And I will also say, I think a lot of it probably is coming from, like, you know, if he was dating someone who looked exactly the same but wasn't a porn star, it wouldn't be as crazy making. I think the fact that she, like, has this profile. She has all these people following her. That's probably part of it too, because like all of that is, is bleeding into your perception of her. Whereas if this was someone who had the identical body and was just a person, it probably wouldn't feel as, you know, you wouldn't. feels insecure about it. So like, I think that's a lot of baggage that it makes sense. It's double. It's like,

you, you are, you're dealing with both somebody dating somebody famous. Yes. And good at fucking, and good at fucking and a body type that like, you know, and look, I'll say that yes, this is, she is, let's see she, what did you say Lance Armstrong? Who did she say? Roger Federer or fucking? Let's just say, that's a good one. And that's awesome. But he was kind of known as being a little bit kind of

Like, you sure. Wasn't the flash he is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But listen, I... He's kind of a lunch pale legend. Yeah, but he showed up and put in the... That's awesome. But here's what I'll say.

Is your boyfriend fucking Nadal? Can he put up with Federer? Good question. Because let's, look, I might have... Let's say I have a little firsthand experience in this realm. It... It's... Fucking somebody who does porn feels like you're like,

I feel like I'm a guy playing Roger. Imagine what it would look like. me trying to play Roger Federer. I'm not in that league. Right. It's a little overwhelming. I can't keep up. It shouldn't have been sanctioned by the athletic committee.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, he can't keep up, but it's like, yeah, maybe it was a thrill. But he was at fantasy camp and he's like, this is not who I am. You know what I mean? Can your boyfriend fuck professionally? Can he put up with that? And also it's like, there's just, you just don't know anything about. You're also kind of putting these people up on a pedestal that they're not regular people.

she's just at the end of day she's just a person right has her own problems and how somebody looks and even the stuff you're thinking of as positives it could probably take a toll on somebody like it's not fun to date someone who is like famous or like you know

or like there's so many negatives that come with this that it's like you know it's just you're over I really think you're overthinking this definitely you're the person he wants to be with we all have people in our past that, you know, would make a partner insecure if they knew about the details. It just so happens you get to fucking,

there's a lot of stuff on the internet that makes you, that you can remind that shows you exactly what you're insecure about. I think, now in terms of, like, advice for this, I don't even think you need to talk to your boyfriend about it. You know what I mean? It's like, I think this is just something you need to understand as like any X. this is kind of why asking about body count X's what did you really gain from it but I do I think it would be you know I'm thinking of if I was this guy yeah I would probably want to hear that you were feeling this

so that I could reassure you right right right right right and be like that's not who I fucking want to be with so like oh that's interesting I would I would want to know that you were feeling this way because then I would be like that I mean I'm sorry you're feeling away but that like I'm with you for right right right right right yeah And I guess this also goes to how, what's the rest of the relationship like? Yeah. You know? Because is this somebody that you see with like having a real, do you see this as something that could be like long term?

Because if that's the case, then yeah, maybe have a conversation about it. I'd be like, hey, I just want you to know, you know, I get why you didn't tell me because we didn't. It's not like when you date someone you go through an itemized list of who you fuck. That's insane. Or even who you've dated. You're like, I get why you didn't tell me, but I'm just feeling a little insecure. Can we have like a conversation about it? I don't even know.

Like yeah, I guess if it was me, I'd be like, you know, I just happen to date her. It also shows that you this guy is kind of open-minded in some ways, you know, that like he does just see a hot ass sex worker as a person he would date and not just a pure object of lust perhaps. So, you know, if you want to have, if it's something that's really, if you see this as a serious relationship and something you want to work through, there's nothing wrong with having the conversation, like, hey, maybe if you've noticed me being kind of weird,

yeah, this just, because that's what, that's really what you're doing. You're almost like explaining what's going on with you, where you're like, this is just what happened. And if you're doing it through it and then he's weird about it, then you've, you've fast-worded and you've got that information now. Yeah, that's actually a good point. It's like, having the conversation also just shows like how he handles with any, how he would handle any difficult weird conversation.

Yeah. If he's understanding, if he reassures you, if he lets you know, then you got a winner if he's like If he's bringing up D-D tape Yeah he's like yeah She was fucking awesome God I wish you would fucking text me back So I don't have to fuck these frumpy Puerto Ricans anymore If he does that then yeah

Maybe that's not your husband But if he's like if he's like Come on no no no We just dated it was a fling I love you so much Like this I don't even don't think like that for a second You know and he might tell you like the flip side Of dating somebody who's in the public eye

Who's like you know there are negative. So I would just say all of it evens out and you choose people for who you want to be with. And he's with you now. So I would say take it, you know, it's beautiful. It's beautiful right now. It's mid-April. Take him outside.

You know what I mean? Hit a picnic table and get an ice cold twisted tea. Share, re-unate, like, almost like rededicate your love by sharing maybe a raspberry, ice-cold twisted tea. Or perhaps a peach. Perhaps peach. is, you know, Pete, it's out there.

It's, that's a spring fruit. Or of course, original. Original or half and half. You could share a whole game day pack amongst you. That's beautiful. They're all so good.

They're all so good. It's hard to make a decision. So yeah, that's the, that's the twisted-ass, twisted-ass-motherting-of-the-week. Sponsored by Twisted Tea. And shout out to,

you know, to you and the girl that your day, your ex, or your current partner, you're doing the fuck. We're getting the fuck. We're going to, the regular zone.

I didn't know if you did it both ways. You're right. You're right. No, thank you. You reminded me. Yeah, she sounds hot. I mean, our caller sounds hot, too, if I'm being completely honest. Seas?

She's got a big ass and she has C's and she's like, you're hot also. Relax. Anyway, we covered it. Next question. I'm just now getting horny for both of them. I'm like, 36-H porn star tit size. 36-H porn. There's actually, I just Google it real fast.

There is a directory that's like a big, Titty model or something that This is the first time you're finding out about it? Yeah, it actually is somehow. Okay, yeah, there is. You're right. There's a lot of them with 36-8. Damn, hold on, hold on. There's a ton of them.

Big-breasted ladies on the internet. This is fucking awesome, dude. Holy shit. Yeah, it's actually impossible to find out with just 36-H. Who's this lady? I don't know her. Thank you, Caller, for, uh... This is fucking awesome.

Holy shit. for queuing up some of the next few sashes. This is kind of sick. Oh. Damn, we won't put this on that. Oh, Jesus Christ, Elders. Oh, nice. Damn, those are huge.

Anyway. I'm sorry to understand the collar a little more. Yeah, but. Seem like nice. I know. You know. No, no. Your tits, your Cs are fine.

Yeah. Big asses are beautiful. If we did the big ass image search, we'd be doing the same thing. Of course, of course. Anyway Keep going Any porousers Ever sliding those DMs, Zach?

No I You're a married man of course I am a married man My wife We met because she tweeted at me Wow Yeah

But not even DM My DMs were closed Of course And now I'm not even on any I'm off all She got well the getting was good Yeah I completed my mission Yeah

I'm out of that I respect the way you live your life You a hot girl tweets you're like, this is my wife. I'm never going outside. And I'm deleting all social media. I'm deleting all social media. I have a lot to learn from the way you live, dude.

You live the clean version of my life. The godly version of my life. That's right. Get a hot woman's attention by your dumb form of comedy. Immediately wife. I trained since fifth grade to attract my wife. That's kind of beautiful. Improv is like your version of like one of those stupid matings, dances of bird does.

You know? Yep. Okay. Respect. Into a show, literally. Wow. Look at that. That's beautiful, man.

This esteemed guest. So I've got a question that I know for sure you guys can help me with. So I just got a CPAP. I've always snored. Every partner I've ever had has told me I'm a snore, whatever. But what finally made me get it was my blood pressure got really high. So, you know, trying to stay healthy and, you know, be around for the kids and all that. Not the CPAP.

I've got a beard, and like I said, I snore. I kind of mouth-breathed when I sleep. So they put me right in with like the over-the-mouth and nose-type mask. And, uh, Stavvy, I can't, I can't sleep. This is fucking horrible. It gives me panic attacks to wear this. Um, the, the stress of trying to hit, like, the, the four hours for the insurance that don't have to pay even more is also freaking me the fuck out.

What? So, like, I'm trying to wear it during the day and be used to it that way. And then, you know, adapt to it at night later. But, like, I just, I don't know how I'm ever going to get this to work. So, yeah, any advice for how to adapt to a CPAP would be super great. Thanks, buddy. Love you. Great question.

Why'd you pick this one for me? What the fuck? We do have two on-record CPAP users and a third should be using a C-PAP. Cepep in the room right now. This is Eldis's call. Yeah. Elders really just does not. When did you first CPAP?

It's been years now. I was thinking about this because I'm like, do I need to get a new machine? Because this is pre-pandemic. 2019, maybe, 18 even. I still had my regular office job when I got it because I was straight up falling asleep at my desk. Yeah, dude. I would fall asleep driving all the time. I would drive home from D.C. to Baltimore.

And I was like, and that's why I was. Like maybe I should get a fucking... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's tough. What's your setup, Zach? Do you have it over the nose? I have the nose because I also have a beard.

So you just need to tell them you're not going to wear that kind of mask. Yeah. I remember when I went in for my study, they were like, yeah, it's got to go over your whole face and mask or like nose and mouth. So you got to shave your beard. And I was like, uh, no. Yeah. I was like, I'm an actor. I need like, you know, this is kind of my look.

This is my thing, man. I'm not going to fucking shave my beard. And then they're like, oh, well, you have one that just goes in your nose. And I was like, why did you not fucking start with that? Yeah. So, yeah, you've got to be your own advocate in this situation. I think so, too. And even, like, I'm not going to wear that.

And even you're worrying about the insurance and shit. Like, you're worried about the wrong stuff. Dude, think of this is like, you want to save your life. And it will get better. It will, for sure. Like, taking naps with it is a good idea to just get used to it, like a couple hours at a time. Yeah, yeah. But you'll, like, I don't even fucking think about it.

Totally. In fact, now, if I don't, I start getting nervous the opposite way where it's like, if I don't, or like if my plans change or like, I'll never put my CPAP in my in checked luggage ever, it's always got to be with me. Yeah. Because I'm like, I really, at this point, I do not get good sleep without it. No, it's terrible. So it does get better. I'm also a nose guy, right? So I have my shit right over my nose, even though I don't have a beard.

You know, I have, that's, God forced me to live fat with no good beard, which is so. fucked up because I do see it really is awesome how like there's that you remember how that viral thing that guy got that

had an awesome beard and then they fucking cut his shit he was fat as fuck yeah that was sad that was tough maybe we can insert

that in the in the episode eldest make a note we gotta get in touch with that guy honestly yeah yeah we do we need to buy him

beard growth serum they fuck completely nerfed that poor fat man we need to reach out to all the humiliated fat

individual that is true across the internet and hooked them up. Yeah. It's like, hey, man, you, you've been humiliated

as a fat person on the internet. You can eat burgers with me, Zach, gamers and Mitch. Like how Ellen used to invite on all the,

you know, damn Daniels in the world. We can do that for all the fat viral. Only the fat viral ones, yeah. Yes, it's the first guy. I mean,

that's brutal. Sir? That's really tough stuff. You can see it. You can see it in his eyes how fucked he is. He knows, dude.

Look how confident he is. He looks. so much cooler on the left. It's not, he looks like, he looks like, like an all pro center on the left.

Totally. Totally. And like a cop. Yeah, yes, yes, yes, yes. He looks like a racist cop. He looks like a racist, all pro center.

And then on the right, he looks like. Yeah, both guys are into the concept of Valhalla for different reasons. But yeah, poor guy, they nerfed him.

Anyway, so yeah, dude, I would say, our general advice here is, Yeah, try and go nose. He says a mouth breather. So if you have to, tape your mouth.

Tape your mouth. Do some note and put it over your nose. When I first started wearing it, I straight up, I would sleep like with my, I would sleep with my hands like to close your mouth. It just like. And now I don't need to do that. But when I first started that helped me. You'll get used to it.

Yeah. I was lucky because I'm not a mouth breather. So I will say I was just immediately. I took to it. I was born to wear a CPAP. You know, God knew. Like, as a baby, I was, like, destined to need a CPAP. So I took to it fast as fuck.

I don't even need the fucking... Because you can, like, humidify it. I know. I don't even... I go dry, bro. I go fucking dry, dude. That's how much I love and respect my CPAP. I will sometimes wake up in the middle of the night

and my water has run out during the night. And it's... I'm like, I immediately start coughing. My, like, nose is burning. Not me, dude. I'm like... I'm built for it, dude. That's how you live every day.

I'm built for this lifestyle, dude. So yeah, dude, I would say you're trying to stay around for kids. You're trying to do all this shit. Look at it as the medicine is failing. You're just still in the tooling phase of it. Try a different mask. Go back to your doctor. Look at this.

You're also a fat man who doesn't assert himself, who doesn't think he deserves to be heard in this world. That happens a lot. I hear some of that being a fat loser creeping up. and understand that you need to advocate for yourself. And look at it as them failing you, right? Not you can't adapt. It's like, where the fuck is, you know I have a beard.

There's all kinds of masks. Why are you giving me this fucking bullshit? There's the ones that, like, just sit on your nose. There's the ones that go around your nose. It works. Keep trying to go up and over your head. Also, there's all sorts of, like, accessories you can get where, like, I have a pillow with a little cutout in the middle.

So my mask can fit, like, so I can sleep on my belly. Yeah. You're operating at levels. I've never even thought about. This is the one thing I, like, evangelize about because it legit changed my life. Me too. Me too.

Stick with it. It makes your life so much better. Yeah. You'll figure it out. You just got to stick with it. Don't quit on it. Because I have heard people are like, I just couldn't do it. And what it really is, and I kind of had this too is like,

you don't want to think of yourself as a guy who's so fat. He needs a device to survive sleep. Oh, yeah. But unfortunately you are. And you can either be in denial. Yes. And die. or figure it out.

You know what I mean? Because I know guys who like are kind of on the cusp of being fat. Again, eldest's perfect example. He thinks he's too good for his C-PAP. He's going to die. He's going to die. It's going to be sad as fuck. If I out-live you, that's going to be pathetic, dude.

Let me ask you a question. Before you got a C-Pep, did you notice, did you like feel that your sleep was bad, like, before a sleep study? Were you like something feels abnormal, abnormal here? For me, no. I thought I would. sleep well. Yeah.

But then I would be tired all the time. Right. But like when I woke up, I didn't think like, oh, man, I got a shitty night's sleep. I thought, if anything, I just thought like, oh, I went to bed too late. Because like, the hard thing I'd say is like, it was hard to tell because my sleep was all over the place. And you thought you're like, oh, I didn't do, I didn't go to bed early. I don't have a, like, but it is a night and day difference now. Like, now I can tell.

Now, like, there are times where you just like, you know, you're traveling or you stay somewhere. or expect to, and you just like wake up. And it's just like, you know, you don't feel horrible, but compared to a CPAP night's sleep. It's just like, or I would need a lot of sleep to feel, to feel recharged? I haven't even, the only time I've had a CPAP list night in the last decade was when I had to get my new machine and they had to do another test. And they made me sleep without it.

And I was so fucking mad. I just never have. I just, I just, I keep that thing on me. Yeah. All right. Yeah. Hey, I don't think I'm too good for it. You do.

You do. No, no, no, you literally do. It just seems like a lot of... Don't fucking pretend. Don't fucking pretend. You really think you're better than us. That's what it really is. You don't realize you are fat.

If you already married, it removes that element too. You don't have to worry about feeling self-conscious about it. Exactly. That's what we're saying. That's what we're saying. I'm saying, pap up, baby. I will say the first year of just like being like, I have a fucking CPAP.

You know what I mean? It's like it also like I was a little embarrassed to show random women I have a CPAP But then it's like if you fuck a guy this fat You know what's happening. You're not. She's not shocked. I need a seatbelt.

No woman was like, what? And it is better for them because then you're not scream snoring in their ear Of course. It's a win-win. And they're so, women are so nice. They're like, oh, it's like a white noise machine. It's like, that's so nice of you to say

that you're fucking, My wife loves my seat. Anyway. Oh, fuck. All right, so there you go, buddy. Keep at it. We believe in you. I'll just get the CPAP. Hello, Stav, Eldis, and esteemed guest. Thank you for taking my call.

I have a question about roommate food etiquette. So I'm a 26-year-old professional jazz guitar player in Brooklyn, and my roommate is a saxophone player and we have a band together. Okay. And every month we play at a jazz club in Bushwick that has really amazing like vegan Mediterranean.

I think I know about this place. So, you know, part of the payment for the gig is that they give us food to take home afterwards. So we always get the hummus because the hummus is unreal. So she's going good. And we take it home and leave my hummus in one or two days. Go to trade school, kids. Even if you're good,

you're going to be paid in fucking Baba Ginoos. best case scenario you get to I mean this is when we started talking about how dumb improv and stand up is it's like damn at least we don't fucking play jazz

I feel bad for Timmy Timmy's get Timmy a month ago was getting dragged because he said he doesn't want film to end up the way like opera and ballet is gone

yeah and everyone was like they thought he was shit talking the art form but he's saying like something that is unquestionably true which is that

that a very valuable art form that was a mass, like the masses did enjoy, has now become something... A disrespected niche. It's become a niche that only the very rich can enjoy. And yeah, I think, I mean, look, and he doesn't fucking need me.

He doesn't give a fuck at all. His life's awesome. Maybe he just won an... I mean, as we all know, he did not win the Oscar, but he was nominated. But, yeah, anyway, I think his point, he was making a very valid point.

I think, and it's like, yes, we need to do whatever we can't. Like, it's, we need to do whatever we can to save improv and keep improv alive. But anyway, it's disgusting and having this basement. Yeah, dude, the sad part, I mean, Timothy Jammey's point is so true because they built opera houses and orchestras that I perform in now. Yeah. I'm shooting my special at a place where fucking the most, some of the most famous conductors have fucking. And they did do improv at Carnegie Hall. That's where it's come to.

That's what it's come to, man. That's sad. That's sad stuff. So anyway, at least even those are not as bad as Jess. Keep going. That was my whole point. And we take it home and I'll eat my hummus in one or two days. And every single month, he will put his hummus in the fridge and forget about it and it goes bad.

And so brought up to him before, you know, we'll be like a week or two out. And I'll be like, hey, man, you got to eat that hummus. And he's like, well, I'll check on it. If it's still good, I'll eat it. If not, I'll throw it away. And he never does. It always goes bad and he throws it away. So my question is, at one point, is it okay for me to eat the hummus?

Right. You know, I know it's his hummus, but it's getting wasted every month. Sure. It breaks my heart. And it's so delicious. And maybe I really just do want to eat the hummus, you know. But it seems like it's kind of wasteful. I like this.

This is a big question. The podcast means a lot to me. Love you guys. love you. Hey, maybe we'll go see this guy play jazz. I think I know the place. I know the place too. I've kind of been meaning to check it out. If there's good hummus, I'll Oh yeah, it's in your fucking negative. You'll go

go two blocks from your house. If it's somewhere in Bushwick, you'll fucking go. All right, hell yeah. We're about the we're about the, it is funny because when we all hang out, there's no way to be inconspicuous. Like we're both the guy, like I think we're both we're doing okay, but we both

get recognized because nobody looks like this. Yeah, because we have a silhouette that you can notice from fucking 800 yards out. Me and you together, it would be hilarious. It would actually blow people's minds that two of the only little fat guys they've allowed in entertainment hang out. Anyway, this is interesting

because there's two separate planes to this question. There is first a matter of sort of equity for the gig, right? And if you're going to be a hard line, if you're going to look at a hard line, it's like you both receive payment. Sure. You do what you want with it. He does what he wants with it, right?

He might have some weird psychological thing where he likes knowing it's there. Or he might be doing some sort of depreciation tax right off. Right, right, right. He's getting paid in hummus by not eating it. Does that mean he can count those earnings? The Bat girl.

Yeah, the Bat girl or the Will Forte Wiley Coyote movie. He's getting a big hummus tax write off. You never know. And if he's seen eating the hummus, he owes thousands now. That's a good point. So there's that, right? And like, look, like, for example, if we got paid for a gig and, you know, let's say we're doing two prof.

You know, too. Don't condescend me. Don't try to use my lingo. Hey, I'm trying to learn. I'm listening. I'm learning. Let's say we do that. And we each get, you know, if we're, okay, if we're going by UCB, be standards, zero dollars.

But let's say we're going somewhere. And why is that? Who complained about it? Stand-ups? Interesting. Anyway, it is so funny that your art form, like, stand-ups are too proud to be treated like improvisers. You know, you motherfuckers were treated like shit. When Stan's like, how dare you not give us anything?

Anyway, we're not dredging up the UCB controversy from literally a right side of all that. Whatever, whichever it shakes out as ending up being, I was on the right side of all that's beautiful man let's say we each got you know whatever they give us a hundred bucks each and you know I buy stuff with it for me for doing an imprep show right right right right and you decide you want to burn it for warmth yeah that's none of my business on one level

yeah but on now we're going just as now so that's the payment sure now is roommates like if he was trading his hummus for something that you didn't Like none of your business. All I'm saying is, whatever, at the end of the day, the hard line reading of this is, you both get hummus.

It's his hummus. He does what he wants. Like, if you didn't live with him, you wouldn't even know by this. You would never consider this. Sure. So this isn't a payment thing. This is in the realm of roommates.

Sure. So let's take that out. Now we're in the house and you're just two roommates who both have food in the fucking fridge. Yeah. One of your roommates lets his fucking food go bad constantly.

And as a roommate issue, you, you know, you've brought it up to him. You've tried to, he didn't say, here's the thing, he didn't say, yeah, I never eat it. You take it. He said, I'll check on it, right? Now, maybe you're friends a piece of shit, but at the end of the day, it is his hummus. So what I would say is, if I were you, I would start each month eating a little more of his hummus.

Yes, slowly. I think that's right. I don't think this can be gone through the court of law, right? Because you don't really have a case here. you're basically, your best case scenario is to become a hummus squatter where it's like hopefully like, it's like you're a homeless guy who finds an abandoned home, maybe this will never be an issue. But by the letter of the law, our unjust laws, he does, it's his hummus.

And it is unfair what he's doing. But I think you are right to utilize it. You have a moral right, but you do not have a legal right. Sure, yes. Right. This is where the law does not match true morality. And if you're able to establish a pattern. of having eaten the hummus last month and he didn't even notice.

Then if you are caught eventually, you're like, buddy, you didn't even notice. I now common law. Of course. Common law. It is common law hummus. It's your common law hummus. And I would even say this is one of those things where, you know, it's like when you decide parking in my neighborhood so bad, I'm going to budget, you know, 300 bucks a month for tickets, right? You'll probably eat this hummus.

He won't even know. notice. Definitely not. One month he notices and gets pissed at you. That's worse. And you maybe have a small roommate sanction for that, but you got away with it two out of the three months. You know what I mean? Right. So I would say

this is now, unfortunately you have no legal basis here. This is all unofficial sort of like, you know. But the beautiful thing about hummus is if you, if you're, if it's in a container and he's not even looking. Okay. Actually. There's There's no way, like, just scrape some hummus on the top so it looks like it's still whole.

You can eat that hummus out of the bottom. I love this. So, okay, that's one way. You put, you know, you fill up, you fill it up with fucking packing peanuts. And then a layer of hummus on top. Just one thin layer. Yeah. I would go a step further.

The day it happens, you'd steal the hummus and replace it with fucking Sabra shitty hummus. Or that, yes. You know what I mean? Or just always have a Sabra in the back of the fridge. Or something even shit. shittier than that. Fucking, you know, something cheaper than that,

whatever. But I think, so, yes, you steal the hummus and put fake hummus. Just fucking put peanut butter in there. Yeah, put a layer, ground up some oatmeal,

put oatmeal or some shit. Like, that's actually a real, I think I would do that. I think you start with replacing the hummus with something that sucks and eating it.

As long as it visually still looks like his hummus, he's still getting the same benefit. Or, yeah, yeah, yes. Because he just likes to know

it's there. He likes to know it's there. So, yeah, you find the shittiest cheapest hummus there is, right? Maybe even sub-sabra, I don't even know. And you, you eat yours. And then you're like,

mm, that hummus was so good. I'm in the mood for more hummus. And you take a shitty container, you switch the hummases, you put his good one in the shitty one. You put the shitty one in his. That, if you want your cleanest solution where, yes, you have to put a little capital there.

That's going to cost you about five bucks for the shitty hummus. But only once, because you can just reuse that container. He's not checking the date on that container. never checking it. And that way, you, if he's never, if he's never checked it

and you replace it with dummy hummus, you're fine, and you'll never be, you'll never be sanctioned by him. And you do have, you are morally obligated to do this. You have to do this now.

You can't let this hummus be just. Absolutely. You can't, and now we've gone to the third, because I said there's different planes. I just ran out, there's all these, there's homeless guys all around the country.

Yeah, yeah, you give it to them. I just learn about that. Wouldn't it got a dog, would not have gotten a dog. I wouldn't have had a dog. if I knew this. But so you can't be wasting hummus.

I already have a dog. Right. Right. I would like to apologize. Of course. I regret it. He regrets it. But,

yeah. Eat the hummus. Eat the hummus. This is actually, and yeah, from a fat perspective, this is a moral crime. Yeah.

To let good hummus. Because good hummus, too. When you have hummus that's so good at fat people look at it as a snack, oh, that's good as hummus. I mean, creamy as fuck. You treat this into thinking ground up beans is a good dip.

You're talking about people. People usually like ranch, that's incredible hummus. So you can't let that go to lunch. We need to try this hummus to see. We actually do need to try the hummus. Yeah, we will. We actually will at some point. Maybe we need to go before this comes out.

So no one knows we're coming. Okay. I think that's, I think that we've waited nice. How about something fun to go out on here, little buddy? How about a little update? Okay. Remember the woman who called on Eric Andre's episode about her boy, She got money in the lawsuit settlement.

I listened to this. Yes. This was a great call. And he wanted her to pay for his plastic surgery. Yeah, he wanted to get a BBL with her money. He asked her for that. So here's a little update for her. Was it a BBL?

Not a BBL, but I think you want to like cock widening surgery. Yeah, something. We talked. Yes, yes. A cock BBL. Okay, great. What up, Stav. I am the caller that called about my boyfriend

wanting a BBL in Brazil with my settlement money. and I'm just giving you an update. I totally understand if it doesn't go to the show. But the update as of right now is one, my boyfriend and I ended up just getting a new gym membership at a non-commercial gym. And so like we're good now, I guess, in terms of body dysmorphia, we still have our days.

But we decided not to do steroids yet, no plastic surgery for right now. I think the Kanye West Donda argument was probably the best one. Okay. Because my boyfriend and I, for context, are both in recovery. Okay. So some of the judgment, you know, we have the much crazier thing.

Paranoidic judgment, I see, I see. In Brazil, because we have both been addicts at one point in time. Of course, I know addict brain. But what I ended up doing with the money, a lot of people told me to invest it. And this morning, with the war being announced in Iran, I actually ended up using my settlement money and I transferred it into an investment banking account and buy

$10,000 worth of stocks of Lockheed Martin, Boeing and Raytheon as well as Markup Gunman. I'm not joking. I'm a veteran. But, yeah, you're a veteran?

You're insight. So you're out and you're like, let me fucking, let me link my financial. You really want to live in a world where if you make money, that means a bunch of Iranians were killed because fucking, I mean, come on man, give you know, I take it back.

Get your boyfriend a fucking BBL. Take the money back. Give him a bigger cock for it. Go to Rio de Janeiro. Have a fucking vacation or buy him a bigger dick. Don't buy fucking stocking. Come on, guys. Sometimes you make art and you put it out in the world and you don't know if you're having an impact on people.

And it's just so nice that you get direct feedback on the impact you're having. This fucking podcast put money in Northrop Grumman's pockets, dude. Fuck! You probably never imagine. She's trolling.

She has to be. I mean, I have to take this lady at face value. She's a veteran. She's a veteran of both fucking heroin and the Iraq War. So she has seen some, I don't know if it's hair on her pills or whatever it was, but okay. All right. Let's finish this.

Maybe she gives us a psych. Uh, okay. we felt a lot better after during that input and if you are interested please please don't talk to me but my Instagram is okay that's my username um and if you guys want to see photos of what we look like for judgment purposes i do i do uh totally fine by us but yeah we ended up using that money to invest in the warmongering companies come on dude we definitely appreciate you taking our call You're lying. We love you, Stodby.

We love you, eldest. I pray to God. She's trolling. We love you too. Thank you so much for taking our call and giving us such helpful insight. No, she's lying. And teaching us how to love our own bodies. All right, brother.

Have a nice day. I don't know. I thought it was like kind of crazy. But then she said like she's a veteran. I was like, okay, I can see a veteran like doing that. Yeah, she's like, all right. I'm already in for a penny in for a pound. I was already part of the war machine.

I might as well make money off of this. This isn't like adding anything to the cosmic skills for me. Right, right, right, right. Looker up. Let's see what they look like. Let's at least fucking see what they look like. It is an interesting treatment for body dysmorphia. I've not heard of investing in Lockheed Martin as the cure before,

but she said they both feel a lot better now. It's private. And they look cute, at least, you know. Anyway, please. Okay, look. Okay, let's see. Oh, go to her. She has a different...

And how thick would this guy's cock be? Yeah, can we see his thick? She's looking good. They're getting jacked. Dude, you guys are hot. Here's the thing. There's nothing for... You should not have body dysmorphia.

You guys look good. You're strong. I would say, don't invest in those companies. Even though it will... I don't know. Who might have fucking tell you would do? You know what? You do whatever you want to do.

I would... If it were up to me, invest in something else, but whatever. I'll go the, let's try and balance us out. If you desert the U.S. Army, we will send you free merch. If you prove that you got orders to go to fucking, unless legally I, this is a crime. This is a satire, if that's the case. But if you desert the U.S. armed forces, we will give you a free 2026. You know what?

We'll even give you a free 2027 calendar. We'll give you the rest of the calendar. You get one point five novelty community. median calendars. And all it's going to take is you deserting the U.S. Well, yeah, we'll throw in tickets, too. How about that? You know, maybe not front row, but, you know.

So just to balance out the scales. You're going to end up somehow back during your way into doing U.S.O. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just become the U.S.O. Yeah, yeah. Because the entire armed person has fled to get tickets to your tour. Jesus, that's so fucking funny. Anyway, that's, I'm glad you didn't get him a BBL, but honestly at this point, get him a BBL instead of giving money to Raytheon.

A mixed result. Not a clean. If she's joking, she's hilarious. She's fucking Andy Kaufman. That is so funny, how earnest she is too. But Andy would have also bought the shares. Yeah, that is true. That is true.

Yeah. You got to sell the joke. All right. Well, look, we're happy for you. You're both, hands, you're both hot. He, I don't know what he's talking about. He looked kind of jacked. Yeah, you both look.

Pretty Jack. I think you have... As two guys with probably reverse body... Yeah, we really should have a little more of it. Yeah, we cannot... We cannot relate to it. Maybe just regular index funds, you know? Yeah.

Maybe just a general index fund. Even crypto, for Christ's sake, over fucking... Although I guess crypto is just, you know, they're just using it to buy drugs and child pornography with it, so whatever. But, all right, well, that was a mixed update, I guess. I still don't know how to feel about it. But yeah, think about discerning the U.S. Army, folks. Shocking.

Instead of being in an unjust war. Okay, that's going to do for us. I would say more, but again, Zach's got a career here. I'll keep my more direct thoughts on the Patreon. You can add it on. I'll leave and you can sort of add it on into the... Yeah, there's no two shots when I'm talking about Iran.

When I'm saying, go Iran. who I am voting, who we're rooting for. You're voting for them. Yeah, voting. I'm writing in Iran for the next presidential election. All right, that's going to do it for us, folks. Zach, thank you, brother. Thanks for coming.

We had to get, I put bitch at the patron because it was crazy to get him for three episodes before you did your first solo one. We had to complete the Fat House. We have to complete Fat House. And now everyone is, again, eligible for being on main feet. We're accepting applications as well. That is true. And we were talking about Fat House babies or Fat House Jr.

where we're kind of trying to find little fat guys in their upstarts. Not just guys. We need fat chicks in there too. We want little fat chicks to help. We're going to be your fat mentors. Yes. Because being fat crosses gender. It crosses ethnicity.

It is the one thing that across everything, no matter what group you're in, the fat people in that group are thought of less. And we need the fucking band together. We're going to flip this. There's one that one tribe where it's like, if you're not. you're fat as shit, you're actually the man. Have you seen those pictures? No. It's awesome, dude.

It's like this one fucking tribe and the guys are fatted. They have, they have like potbellies. Yeah, yeah, I think so. I might. Tribe where fat people are dominant. Elda says. Moritania, is that it? Go to the, go to the, go to the, go to images.

Maybe it's the boaty. Yeah, the boaty tribe. Look at that shit, dude. Do they let, like, do they, are they accepting applications? I don't know, but we would, we might be too fat for them. We would, we would, we, they, that's true. thing, they're fat for Africa. I'm looking at some of these pictures.

Honestly, I kind of want that body type. We're not even close. The chief is so much fucking less fat than us. But anyway, but who knows? Maybe that would make us, that would, you know, it's like showing LeBron to the people play basketball in the 50s. That's right. If we go over there.

We might be, we might clean up, all powerful. Shit, dude. I might be too much. I'm going to be the biggest piece of ass at the, that guy's pretty fucking fat, that last guy. All right. Well, that's good to do for us, folks. Shout out to the Bodie tribe of Ethiopia. And don't find Zach.

Don't go to anything he does. Only watch the media that's on a screen. You want them to watch Severance. You're in the new Resident Evil movie. Yeah, eventually, yeah. That comes out. That comes out. But don't approach Zach in public.

No, you can improve. Your listeners have actually been very kind to me. The first time I came on, you made me do the humiliation ritual. you put me in the Santa suit. Right, right, right. Now you've let me kind of, I've earned my way to normal. I did feel bad that both Gaboris and Mitch

got to be themselves first, and you had to do the Santa suit the first time. And I had to bargain you down from Mrs. Claus. Right, right, right, right. To get to Santa. Oh, fuck, we should have dressed eldest up as Mrs. Claus. We fucked up making him and Elf. Okay, that's good.

And that's, I love it. I love it. Keep it brief. He's acts of very nice. guy, he's not really saying his true feelings. Keep it tight when you approach, Zach. I love what you do. Handshake, keep it moving.

Don't fucking ask him what Ben Stiller's like in person. That's going to do it for us, folks. We'll talk to you next week. Bye-bye.