Stavvy's World - #178 - Mark Normand

Episode Date: April 27, 2026

Mark Normand returns to the pod to discuss his new special NONE TOO PLEASED (Netflix), getting owned by a heckler who taunted him with the Seinfeld theme song at an early show, being happy when you’re broke and just starting out, James Gandolfini’s last meal, getting out of a DUI with a joke, Steve Harvey’s A-tier game show hosting, Louie Anderson getting blackmailed, and much more. Mark and Stav help callers including a middle school teacher who’s wondering if he should take up one of his student’s offers to hook him up with her adult sister, and a woman in a one-sided nonmonogamous marriage who has no interest in getting intimate with her husband, any of his partners, or anyone in general.   Watch Mark Normand’s new special NONE TOO PLEASED out now on Netflix: ​​https://www.netflix.com/title/82155387   See Mark Normand live and follow him on social media: https://marknormandcomedy.com/ https://www.youtube.com/marknormand   http://twitter.com/marknorm https://www.instagram.com/marknormand/ https://www.tiktok.com/@marknormandcomedy   https://www.facebook.com/Mark-Normand-21895626989   Thank you to our sponsors! Aura Frames - https://auraframes.com/ use code STAVVY to get $25 off the Carver Mat Frame Twisted Tea - https://www.twistedtea.com/locations Keep It Twisted!! Visible - https://www.visible.com/ switch now!   ☎️ Want to be a part of the show? Call 904-800-STAV and leave a voicemail to get advice! 🎟️ See Stavvy live on the Dreamboat Tour 🛥️💕!!! https://stavvy.biz/ for tickets ‼️ Bonus episodes every week! Unlock exclusive, Patreon-only episodes at https://www.patreon.com/stavvysworld Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Oh, ba! Welcome, everybody, to Stop His World. 9-04, 800 stop. Call in. We'll solve all your problems. We've got our boy Mark Norman returning to the couch. Special on Netflix. It's been out for two months at this point. As we all know, you've got to get that late April bump. When you're promoting a special, what you need is after it's out of the top 10.

To just get it maybe 300 more views. Yeah, thank you. Perfect. We're on YouTube soon. But yeah, thank you. Watch the special. None too, please. Very funny stuff.

Yeah, thanks for coming, buddy. Thanks for being back on the program. Thanks for having me. Great upgrade with the apartment. This place is sick. Thank you. You're in Manhattan. I'm in Manhattan.

Your door man's a little annoying. But we had a great time. He's the man. He's cool. He really is. I would like someone attentive. Yeah, he's on it. Because he fucking knows it.

He'll chat with you. And if he was bad at his job, it's the most annoying thing of all time. If he's good at his job, you get warm when you talk to him. It's like a family member that's good versus bad. Yes. Listen, my mom calls me all the time. It's like, it's my mother. She's done everything for me.

It's like, do I have, do I want to pause what I'm doing and talk to her right now? No, but it's my mother, whatever. but then it's like some uncle calls you. You fucking, just some piece of shit from the motherland needed money. Please don't report me. Those were tough times. It was the 80s. But yeah, your mom won't stop calling me.

It's the whole thing. But no, I know what you mean. But he saw me dealing with the box outside looking for your name. And he was like, what are you doing? I was like, I'm going to see Stavros and he's like, he's a celebrity. And I'm like, I know, I know. I've known him before that. I was around in Comptown, baby.

That's right. Pre-cumptown. Pre-cum-town. I was fun. Remember that gig we did in, I opened for you. You were opening for Schumer. And it was a bar. Yes.

In Fell's Point. I remember that. It was a, I believe, Delia Foley's, if I'm not mistaken. So you weren't headlining. No, no. That's how much we've actually known each other. Yeah. Is that you were like featuring transitioning to headlining.

Right. And I was like featuring solidly. Yes. That's when we, like, and then, yes, that was a very funny, that was a hilarious gig, too, because it was just like, you, you know. And we just got hammered. We got so fucked up. That's all you did back then, because we were all sad. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But we had some good times. We had some great times. Yeah. That was fun, a shitty Baltimore fucking bar getting drunk as hell. And then I, was I living with my parents? Yeah, nothing to lose back to me. You were like, I talked to Bobby Kelly. I think I'm going to go on the road with him.

This is good. And I was like, whoa, wait a minute. Quick bragging. Holy shit. We had nothing going on. What a beautiful, fucking innocent time. Yeah, yeah. Baltimore was cool, but I did a show in a guy's house. He had like a three-story crazy

house. And we did that show too. I took you to that show. That was, okay. Yeah, yeah. That was amazing. That was really fun. Shout out to a friend of the show, Peter Mooth. He's been on the show. Yes, that house was awesome, dude. That was like, they had like just some guy

owned it. And it was like just a It was like the classic, it's like when a rich kid, like, uh, puts his powers to use for good. Yes. When it's like, hey, I've got the resources. I'm buying a house. And I'm not going to be, because there's nothing worse than when a fucking rich kid would remind you who's Nintendo 64 was. Oh, yeah. When they're like, when they're getting bullied because their personality's bad.

Right. You know, like, oh, okay. I guess we won't play my Donkey Kong country. Oh, that was the worst. Yeah. Oh, no, no. It's okay. dude, we were joking

about wanting to fuck your mom. I had a friend with Golden Eye. If you started beating him, he would just unplug it. And I was like, you're a fucking school shooter, before school shooter, you're a terrorist. He was the worst. That's the worst. But this guy had a little money, bought a fucking,

and let the boys hang out, had great parties. It was a fixer-upper, but it was fun. It was just beer everywhere. I miss it, dude. Made out with a girl in the bathroom, I remember. Love that. That was fun. Fun times. Yeah, I, uh, Yeah, I, I, that, how, that part, that house is maybe one of the first places I had, like, confidence separate from anything.

You know what I was like, that was, I remember, like, getting to fuck girls from parties at that house and being like, whoa, I'm not a fucking, uh, fat gay loser anymore. I can get a girl with big tits to come to my shitty apartment. That was good. To come to my shitty to, or like the first time you're like, want to get, the first time you say want to get out of here. Oh. And it works. It works. Yeah.

You want to go watch TV? I'm like, 22. And I'm like, want to get out? I don't believe it. I'm like, oh, my voice is cracking. Want to get out of here? That was great. The first time you start getting laid after parties, you're like, oh, getting drunk was fun.

But this is what I want to do for the rest of the time. I should stay sober and get them drunk. Maybe even get like, I don't know, some kind of medicine that gets them drunk faster. You put on a cause. record. Joke, satire, satire. We are not rapists of any sorts. Humor. Humor, folks.

It's good for you. Yes. Oh, man. Now you're putting me down memory lane, too. Oh, yeah. What would you say is the best year of your life? If you had to pick one here. Wow, that's tough, man. Because it's a tough one. Because, you know, you've obviously accomplished playing stuff. And even in the special, great special about having a kid, there's so much good

material there. You know, you've accomplished professionally, personally, shit's going good. But when you have to boil down, and there's different metrics too, right? There's like pure happiness. Right. There's being carefree. Because those years, mine might be the year we met when I was living in my friends.

My friends were letting me live in a subsidized house. Yep. Where it was like, they literally just let me pay $300 worth of rent. Hell yeah. I was like, guys, that's all I can afford. And basically my pitch was, you want $400 more a month, but the guy could be annoying. Yeah.

Or do you want the, I'm the best hang of all time, baby? And they went for it. And shout out to them. Shout out to Straight George. Friend of the program was one of the original patron. Was there a gay George? No, but if you met George,

you'd know why he's called Straight George. Oh, okay. Because you have to let people know he's straight. Got it, got it. A feminine man. Got it, got it. Okay. And I won't docks the other person,

but we should. come up with a nickname for him as well because he, we gotta get him in the mix a little bit. My old, my old roommate from that year in Baltimore. I don't want to give away his personal information until I know he's cool with it, but we had a very funny setup. And anyway, there's

something about that to me that was like, I don't know, there's like the how intoxicating potential is. You don't have to do anything. You just have to maybe do something. Yes, yes. So it's like, I'm like, dude, I'm, yeah, like you said, dude, Bobby Kelly might let me open me. Yeah. I get to shit. I get to

share a best western with Chris Scopo. You're like, I get to get to get the laugh. I get to do fucking seven at Laugh Boston. Oh, that was, yeah. Hope is the best. Because, you know, we've all made it, but it's still not as happy as you were when you were about to make it. No, exactly.

The journey is what it's all about. And not even, a lot of the journey actually sucks dick. Yeah, of course. But there's four good parts of the journey, you know? It's like, it's not even as the journeys of destination. Like, no, they're both dog shit. But you're happy, like, for four. days out of the 25-year journey.

Yeah. It's the little wind. You get laid here. You have a great night here. It's kind of like when you're driving to get Coke. It's almost more fun than the Coke. Oh, yeah. Oh, the second you're fucking, when you're in the car.

Yes. You're like, whoa, baby. What are we going to do? We're going to talk. And then you're fucking sad as fuck afterwards. Oh, yeah. Then you hate yourself the next day. You know, nothing but regret.

But on the way there. I spent 12 hours talking about Donkey Kong in a fucking in a hotel room with four other guys. We all offered drugs to the one hot girl. She did a line and left. And then it was just us talking about GameCube. Yeah. I don't fucking know.

I don't know. I just like it. I like GameCube better. It doesn't fucking matter. All right. Fine. You're a fucking PlayStation guy. I don't fucking intend to that.

I love Barton. You get the three red shells. You're unbeatable. I play with Yoshi. Yeah, yeah. Dude, being such a fucking loser that you're doing Coke or Adderall. I remember doing these exact thing happening at a party. and then me being like, oh, nice.

I feel like, you know, I tried to adder. I snorted Adderall for the first time in college. And I'm feeling like, you know, you're buzzing. You're like, this is awesome. I'm going to fucking party all night. And I just ended up truly playing GameCube upstairs. Upstairs where you go to smoke weed. Yeah.

Usually you go in, you smoke weed in the one room at the college house. Right. And you leave and you try and get pussy, whatever. I was on that at all. I smoked weed. And I just truly played for. fucking Mario Kart. I bet you had a good time, though.

It was okay. Because you get into it when you're all checked up. But it was one of those where it's like, you're like, oh, yeah, would I play like two games of Mario Kart? And you're like, 4.30. Oh, yeah, yeah. Where are the girls? I know.

I don't even like these guys. I just got in the zone. Yeah. And what do you say when you go downstairs? Like, where, they're like, where the fuck were you? You're like, I was trying to get pussy. You know, you can't say. I was playing GameCube for four hours.

I was playing GameCube. Yeah, you just go down. It's one fat guy playing an acoustic guitar. And you're like, just two guys making out in the kitchen. You're like, oh, fuck. That's, yeah, dude. There's something about the client, truly, I think that. Because to me, I keep coming back to that one year in Baltimore.

Yeah. It's like right before I move. Yeah. I'm making friends with other comics. Like the fact that, because when you're in a small town, you think you might be funny, but then when you like comics that you, like, think are good actually tell you that.

Yeah. That's big. Oh, it's huge. That's huge. Anytime, because you're just swimming and nothing. You're like, am I good? Am I bad? What is going on?

Am I ever going to make it? You have no, like, no lifeline. So when anybody said like, hey, you got something. Or that's a great bit. You're like, oh, oh, thank you. And then that feeds into just your confidence as a guy. Yes. And then you're like, oh, yeah, this is awesome.

It's second semester senior year stuff, too, where it's like senioritis, especially when you're going to, go from a small city to a big city. And then, you know, you moved to New York, you want to kill yourself for a decade. Sure, sure. But, man, that year in Baltimore, because it's all up.

Everything's up, and you, I don't know about you, my imagination is so gay. I'm like picturing me killing there and like Todd Barry high-fiving me and a guy with a cigar with his feet up going, you got it, kid, you know. Meanwhile, I bombed in New York for like two years. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because I was doing rough rooms. And I remember one time I went on stage, and I was just doing Seinfeld for the first year. And this guy went, I was walking to the mic, and he goes, bam,

bra, and it crushed me. I was crushed. Because he got me right to the core. He nailed it. I was like, you're right. And I just went off on him on the mic.

And, how dare you? I'm a totally different kind of comic. What's the deal with assholes? Yeah. I didn't break in New York, like out of my bullshit, like rolled up sleeves.

What's the deal with? Till a guy heckleckle. me and I called him out and that was working. So that's kind of how I broke free of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fucking, yeah, it is very funny how the pressing the first couple of years are. Oh, yeah, I got bedbugs. So what do you think?

Me, I was a bedbugs guy too. Really? Yeah. Oh, it's hell. It sucks. I'm still, like, paranoid. You wake up like a non-vette. I bought my first non-metal bed this year. It's been 10 years.

And for like five years, I would wake up and be like, I got him. Yeah. I got him. Totally. Yeah. It will fuck with you forever. I thought I had an STD. I went to the hospital because I didn't know about bed bugs.

And he was like, I don't know. I think you're fine because I had them all over here. Oh, interesting. All the legs. And I was like, oh, this is bad. And he goes, I can give you a biopsy, but you don't have health care. It's going to be like two grand. Oh, my God.

Two grand. Jesus. A biopsy. Meaning like they take a sample and examine it and all this. And I was like, fuck it. Let's do it. And I like went into my savings or whatever. Oh, my God.

Define you have a bedbugs. To find out he's like, yeah, it's a bite. It's a mosquito bite. And I was like, fuck me. I wish I had an STD, you cut. Also, what kind of SD are you thinking is on your thigh? Like, just you've got rotten pussy juice on your thighs? I didn't know.

I didn't know. Because, you know, I was hooked up with some real trash back then. Sure, of course. So, okay, what, now, I don't mean to put you on the spot, but do you have like an era or a year that if you had to put? Ooh. Do you have one? Because I do think my answer probably would be the year I'm 24 right before I moved to New York.

Is your best year? I think just pure happiness. That's pretty good. I was broke as fuck. I had no money. I'm eating fucking beans. I would cook beans and eggs in the oven. Wow.

Because it was quicker. Jesus. And I would just eat off the aluminum foil. Wow. It was like what I could fucking afford. Yeah. And chicken thighs. That was like when I wanted to splurge, I would have chicken thighs.

I still buy that rack of frozen ones. The wife cooks them up. It's amazing. But yeah, that's pretty. I might go 2011. Okay. That was a good year. I like started opening for Schumer.

quit my job. I got to the cellar in about 2013. And I was doing the road. She got up to arenas. So I was, you know, getting laid by, you know, arena gals. And that was pretty great private jets. Well, you were in like an eight-year relationship, too? No, no. Was that... Did you broken it off? I dated a girl for like 10 years.

High school, sweetheart, college sweet art, moved to New York together, did comedy. She hated it. That broke us up. I was single for like four years. I went ape shit. And then... Yeah, yeah. You know, that's a great time to be singles opening for Amy Schumer and arenas. Because, yeah, she can't fuck them.

Yeah. You know? So, that was exciting. Oh, yeah. Just private. Everything was crazy and new. And she paid so well. I bought an apartment off the money. Oh, my God. She paid me. Yeah. Like, so that was good times that I met the, eventually met the future Mrs. Norman. Look at that. Yeah. That's beautiful.

I had a good run. It was a roller coaster. 2011. That's nice. Yeah. I had to pinpoint it. And I was at the cellar every night and just, you know, Sam's there and lists is there. We're all hanging out. It was a good, good core crew. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Elders, do you have one year that stands out to you? Honestly, the year when I was working at CBS radio. I remember that year. We were roommates. Yeah, that was like just such a nothing job. And I, and I had just a very productive, like, three to six months where I was like, legit exercising, just went to like monk borderline in-cell mode. And then you met your wife. Then, then,

and my wife soon after that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that was a pretty good time in my life. I like that. You were happy. That is true. I was happy. You could dip into getting high and eating Ben and Jerry's whenever you wanted to because I

was there holding that down still. For sure. I was still depressed while you were coming out of it. And you just had the Ben and Jerry's already. I was like, oh, dude, we had the Ben and Jerry's in that house was fucked up. I had no money and I probably spent. That's not cheap, those jugs. It's not.

At the time, at the time, this is almost 10 years ago, six bucks probably for like the pint. That's a lot. And I'm probably averaging 20 a month. Woo! And that's, that's, that's, that's might be low end. 20 a month is crazy. And for being honest, that might be on the low end.

For someone that doesn't menstruate. That is a lot of ice cream. So that's 100, that's 180. Let's just, let's say $200, $200, $200. a month when my rent was $500. Oh my God, I've never done the numbers. My rent was 500 and my ice cream budget was 200 and I made no money. Oh, my God.

You're crushing the way Shane is with Bud Lights. You're doing the pint of Ben and Jerry's. It was a bloodbath in their mark. It was fucking crazy. Your Ben and Jerry's pint was never safe in that freezer. Never, never. I would never hesitate, especially when I was like high as fucking man. I was like, I'll have a couple prison rules.

It was like prison rules. And I was like, well, what's the worst that could happen? I'll just go to the grocery store and get another one if he gives up from it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's great. Oh, yeah. You're like Norm at the bodega, you know? They're like, they stuff.

And they put one on the table. No, you know, I never settled into my, the right ice cream spot. I always had to look at five different. I had like a network of bodegas I would go to. Yeah. Because some of them didn't have the good shit. I, like, truly knew when, like, my bodega got ice cream shipments. Wow.

I knew when... This is like Miami drug shit. You know when the chopper's coming in. I was like, oh, fuck, we're behind. It's like, don't go to the corner. They don't have anything except strawberry cheesecake. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Give me the chunky monkey.

There's a one called like late night something. Tonight dough. Tonight dough. Who are you talking to, pal? And later they would make a variant called Netflix and chilled. That was very similar to that. Yeah, I love that. Actually, that was more chunky.

That was more chubby hubby. Got it. I was a chubby hubby guy, and Netflix and chilled had similar core elements. Okay. So you ever want to talk Ben Jerry's? We're the guys to talk. Do you go cream-based or like vanilla based or chocolate-based?

It depends. I probably find myself gravitating chocolate. Same. Or something interesting. Yeah. That's what I liked about the chubby hubby. It was malt flavored ice cream. So it wasn't quite vanilla.

It was vanilla with a little twist. Got it. They also had the cores at the time. In fact, now I walk by a freezer and I see the new stuff that I'm missed out on. And it really makes me feel nostalgic. What do you gave up? It's not too late? I can't be.

You can't have a taste. Dude, I cannot. If I let that back into my life, you have no. I really think ice cream is my will, when it all is said and done, is my greatest addiction. Wow. When it's all, when I really think about how many times in my life, what I can give up the easiest, it was weed for a long time. time, food, I guess in general, but if we really boil it down to the type, the food, that's the problem.

Yep. It's the fact that at night, I can tack on anywhere from 300 to 3,000 calories. Sure. In desserts only. Wow. And so I think, like, dude, there's a, like, even, there was, like, there's, like, been years of my life where I still have ice cream almost every day, but it's halo top. Like, I've been on methadone.

What's that? Is that the nice one? Oh. It's not good. It doesn't taste good. But it's about the ritual of eating an entire pint. You ever do the thing where you eat it with a fork and you kind of skim the top and you think you're eating less? Of course.

But you're still just there for an hour and a half. It still goes down that much. But you're like, well, then you can dislodge the brownie bits easier. Yeah, that's true. God, you're talking like Charlie Shee in the documentary. I mean, it really is the way. Yes, truly Charlie Shee. That's what's in my.

Like, I. bought hopefully what we'll say, I've given up on quitting ice cream, and I bought one of the ninja creamy machines where you can make your own ice cream bases. Oh, no, you're making it at home. But you can make, you make it from like a protein shake. Okay. And it's like 250 calories. All right.

But it's a whole, it's a whole pint. Got it. So anyway, we'll see. I'll keep you updated on how that goes. Okay, okay. I'm just worried you're going to pull a, like a Matthew Perry in a hot tub. He's going to have one last night and it's going to be all these canisters around you. I'm not kidding.

Hearing about Gandalfini's last meal. They have the meal on record. Sometimes I just look at that and I'm like, like I'm not joking like I'm calm thinking about that. Yeah, I've looked at that so many times too. Like I, the thing that always stands out is the double fried shrimp. I know. That he had a thing of fried shrimp and he said,

fuck it, I'm on vacation. Give me a whole other one. Yes. And he was in Rome. He was in Rome with his new wife. Oh, yeah. He's got the best room of all time. Dies in like a hot tub probably.

I know. I think it was like, do you have the thing pulled up? I think there's a couple of pinia colladas in there. Two orders of fried king prawns, a large portion of foie gras. Oh, that's what did it. That's what did it. Four shots of rum, two pinia colladas, and two beers. Which is like that, you know, I'm going to do that every day at the beach this summer.

That's nothing. That's awesome. Yeah. Yeah, it's the combination. It's the. A feed ball of Fla Gras and four shots a row. That's an incredible. That's an incredible order, dude.

Yeah, it really is. I want to experience that. Like, is it fucked up to take solace in the way one of your heroes died when you know you have the exact same problem? Right. Like, I hear that. And as morbid as it is, I'm like, that sounds awesome. Maybe it's because I'm depressed. Because I'm like, I would love to have a great day in Italy.

Yeah. Have a great meal and die peacefully in my sleep. That sounds. And I do think it's because I'm depressed. Honestly, I do think I'm sort of, it's like, even being fed is kind of coward suicide. Where you're like, oh, it's slow. It's slow. Right.

It's like a gas leak. Eventually this will happen, but I don't have the guts to do it. And you're having a good time on the way there. You're having a good time. But also, Bourdain should have gone that way, too. Let's be honest. Bordane, I think, what, he hung himself or something? Yeah, who knows?

You know, we really can't get into the end of Bordane's life, you know. But I do hear there's a great film coming out. dealing with the earlier part of his life that everyone should really enjoy it. Oh, hey, all right. Yeah, something called Tony. And I may or may not

play a fat line cook in it. Whoa! All right. Okay. Wow, it's a documentary? Yeah. It's a movie from the future. It's the first ever

time travel movie. I'm fucking 50 in just a Greek restaurant cooking up fucking calamari. Right, right. Right. But yeah, dude, it is sometimes I'm like, is this morbid how much like, I'm not getting comfort I get out of thinking about dying like James Gandalfini. That is pretty badass. He went out happy.

And we don't know that. It's obviously tragic. And I feel bad for his family. But in that moment, like sometimes, I guess again, who knows? Maybe it's purely depression and craving death on some level. It's also tough for the wife. She's like, my husband. And also the bill. She's got to get that bill in Rome I'm sure that was a couple grand I'm sorry Can we before the ambulance again here Can we just settle up Yeah

Exactly She's like I'm with my husband here You gotta leave out of the gurney That's how you got out of that one Yeah absolutely Absolutely What yeah do you Have you thought about your death at all

Are you a man who thinks about Mortality? I should Because you're anxious But it doesn't feel like you're worried About the ultimate death I'm not worried about people And you know

whatever, but like I drive drunk, I don't wear a helmet when I drive a bike. I do a lot of drugs. I, yeah, I should worry about that. I live on the edge. Sure. Like, List is worried. He's like, look at this lump on my leg. It's cancer. I'm going down. I have none of that. I could have like a big old egg-shaped car bunk in my ass and I'm like, let it ride, you know, just go around it. But, yeah, I don't worry about death too much, but I should. Because I got doored once. on a bike. Whoa. Went over the door.

Holy shit. I was on my moped and I hit a pothole. Oh, so this is kind of recent. Well, the door was about six months ago. The moped was about two years ago. Oh, my God. Pothole fell off, no helmet, knocked out on 8th Avenue, knocked out. In the street.

And construction workers carried me onto the sidewalk. And I woke up and I was like, fucking so in pain. My head was ringing. And they were like, you're good. I'm good. They walked away and they pulled my bike off. And I just rode home. Oh, my God.

You rode home. I was so in pain, but you just faked it. You know, you ever like walking to a glass wall? And you're like, hey, everybody, oh! And your nose is hurting like hell, but you're just going to go, oh, they're all laughing at you and you pretend to laugh and you want to kill yourself. Yeah. Interesting.

I should take it again. I got a kid now, so I should. Yeah, I was going to, does the kid have had any, like, worrying about just you have to be around for it? Yes, it does give you that, which is kind of nice, because I had no reason to live before, you know. I just want to come up with a new bid, have a cocktail. But now I'm like, oh, I should eat right and whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exercise, hang out.

Sure. Yeah. And you got to set an example for him. Of course. That's fucking hilarious to think about. Yeah, I got pulled over drunk driving once. This is like a month ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How fucked up is this?

The cop was like, wait, are you that comedian? And I'm like, oh, yeah. And he goes, make me laugh. And I'll let you go. True story. going to say the state because it might fuck the guy. Yeah, yeah. But I told a black joke. Yeah, yeah, what's going to happen, yeah, definitely

the police will be held accountable for their actions. You're right, Mark. You can have a fucking video of a guy shooting a woman in the head and they'll be like, ah, we don't know, but God forbid you say Alabama on a podcast. Anyway, go ahead. Oh, yeah, it was Rhode Island.

And, uh, small state. But, yeah, he was a cool guy, and he was a comedy fan. And I told a black joke he didn't laugh and I was like uh-oh and I told a gay joke he didn't laugh and I told a trans joke and he died and he's like get the hell out of here and I was like that's so funny we can track what's hack yeah in real time like oh I guess uh I guess yep oh I figured you don't want a cop like blue collar guy yeah love it wow they've really evolved

the black joke didn't work he's like he's like oh can you the he turns his body cam on yeah he turns it back on I find that very tasteless Mr. Norman just winking at you the whole time. That's so fucking funny. Yeah, good times. What's going on that, like, cops think about trans people? Or, like, just blue-collar.

It has become the go-to, if you're fucking stupid. It's like Polish jokes or, like, racist or whatever. Now it is trans in a way where it's like, why do this many, it's like, you don't fucking live in, listen, you live on the Lower East Side,

you live in Bushwick. Yeah. You might come. across but it's like I bet most of those people see a trans person

in their life I think that's what it is I think they're not exposed to it so they're like ooh that's kind of exotic like a joke about it and they hear about it so much it's like autistic and trans

the clock's ticking on those jokes you know what I mean because it's like because it is that they're both novelties I think you're right yeah it's special

it's more new and it's more nuanced than right right you get the pronoun There's a lot of layers to trans. And you get a dick joke. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a lot there. It is so fast, like, I don't know how the fuck it happened that culturally, that's like a main signifier. Well, it's the newest thing, too. It's like the newest thing to joke about, you know, like Polish is so 50s. Yes, you know, then it was like blonde jokes. I guess that's true.

I guess it starts in pure color. Starts pure black, white. Yes, easy. Or, you know, whatever, different colors. And then it moves on. That is fascinating. I wonder what the next. What's the next thing?

Everyone, like, dickpicks were a thing. You know, with the iPhone. Now everybody's a dickpick joke or dating apps. And everybody's a dating app joke. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, what is the next thing? What's the next demographic? I don't know.

Petos? But yeah, Petos is pretty fair. That's timeless. Albanians. You wish. Yeah, no one cares enough about the Albanians. You fucking wish, dude. You got balusies.

Yeah. They're Albanian. They do. There is a little internet cachet to Albanians right now. That's true. And now this, unfortunately, is positioned as one of the top online Albanians. Another one of the, another thing, yeah, another one of the many things, he doesn't deserve that he gets. And that hairline.

God's damn it, man. That is wild. That's a perfect airline. Do you covet the hairline? You're looking okay. I'm okay. I do the propiche. I grow it out long.

Yeah. But when it's wet, I look like a. Sweety, rabbi. It's bad. I worry about a pool. I don't go by air with it. Oh, okay. You'll get in the pool with the fucking.

Yeah, yeah. Sometimes I can just let it ride. There's a certain level of freedom to not caring. Yeah. Or, yeah, you're kind of a no man's land. Exactly. Because you're not, you're not going to go. It doesn't seem like you're going to go to Turkey.

No, no chance. But you're out of NOM. I'm still in the shit. I'm like in the bush. No, I went native. I'm like, it's all bullshit, brother. Let it go. Yeah.

You started an opiard farm with a, with a Vietnamese woman. Yeah. I've started a, I've started a fucking compound. Yeah. On the Laotian border. Right. And an NGO. Uh-huh.

Yeah. You know, I'm enjoying going fucking full native. Hair wise. Well, chicks, I think they dig it because they're like, this guy is cool and confident and doesn't give a fuck. Yeah. It's back to, it is, it's definitely novel. Yeah. Where no one...

No one lets their hair. I mean, look, the advancements in fucking plugs. Unreal. Are out of control. We have close friends who are flawless. Out of control. The Mateos, the soda. I mean, they're open about it.

Yeah, they're open. Everyone on, dude, you find out like everyone on TV has hair plugs. I know. Everyone on TV basically has hair plugs. And what's crazy, we have footage of like Kimmel, Seth Macfarlane, Elon Musk, Joel McHale. The list goes on. And we have them in the, you know, 1998s when they're fucking crazy. Yeah.

He's back. Totally, totally. I don't know. We'll see. You would know, you're good. You're fine. You're not going to consider it. You're not going to go plugs.

I don't know. I don't know. Maybe later in life. I would only, I'm only debating it because it's, it ain't cheap. Yeah, yeah. So I'm waiting for it to come down with it like a flat screen.

You're such a piece of shit. You remember these old, old big screen TVs used to be $10,000. That you get them for like, you know, 500. Yeah, yeah. No, you're right. You're right. That is so funny that you're still,

you're still worried about. about that amount of money. Because I know it's not cheap, but like, you're fine. I could be fine. But you know, I got a poor man mentality. That's true. That is true. You do, I guess that's important.

It is important to stay. You'd rather stay cheap than be somebody who doesn't understand money at all, which is kind of where I am where I'm like, because my whole life I never care about money. Yeah. But in either way, like I should have been cheap. I should have known what stuff cost. Yeah.

But I never did. And then I just kind of kept going until I didn't have to. I'm basically prime to get Bernie Madoffed. And I don't try it. Nobody try it, all right? I got a couple layers of protection. There you go. But I really don't.

I'm the same way. I got a money guy and that he saved me. But like my wife, she was like, let me see your finances. And I was like, oh, shit, okay. What is she going to do? Steal it all. But I eventually showed her after hours of fighting. She was like.

She's like, only fans, only fans, only fans. Venmo directly to a 22-year-old barista? No, that's the thing. You're too cheap to ever get fin-domed. You'll never... No, no. No way. You will never get exploited.

You would go lettermen so fast, dude. I would. You would have a public announcement. You'd be like, these whores are trying to get me from my money. I will never allow that to happen. That happened to Louis Anderson, remember that? No. Oh, man, he was hosting Family Feud, great gig.

Yeah, and he was... My dream gig, by the way. Great gig. I would love to be to one day host Family Feud. My number one game shows. I'm putting that out there. Someone, look, Steve Harvey's going to do this job for another 20 years. Easy.

He's built for it. He'll be doing that until he retires. He has one move, by the way. Somebody says something stupid, and he goes, yeah. Absolutely. I do not... The incredulity is his number one move. That's a sister's day.

But yeah, no, you're right. Okay, so Family Feud. I would love, that is my, that is, I would love to be 60 and host Family Feud. And you do like, what do they call it, bump, bulk shooting where you shoot like six in a day? Yeah. You're done for a month. It's my dream. Yeah.

So I'm putting that out in the universe. That's my showbiz sort of like retirement gig. That is great. That's a sweet gig. Remember the old one you could kiss every woman on it. Yeah, that was big. Yeah, dude, the one guy just fingering every fucking. every grandma, you look beautiful.

And then the guy just have to sit there. Right. And they're smiling as this guy. Like that is, by the way, that is how, like, everything in society has degraded. You used to a level of fame. Like, being a game show host. Yeah. Allowed you, you could, you had prima nocta over everyone in America.

Bob Barker had all those horse. By being that level of famous. Yes. That's fucking crazy, dude. Crazy. Anyway. Anyway, what were we talking about? Hold on.

Louis Anderson. Yes. Louis. Okay. Because I'm a big, I love the show. I have the show, Louis. Remember that show he did? The kid's show?

The cartoon. It was great. I fucking loved it. Yeah. Anyway, give us your recollection. Then eldest will fact check. I don't know everything, but I know he was a closeted, gay guy. Back, it was a 90s.

Really hard to tell. Really hard to tell. And eventually played a woman on TV. And it was incredible at it. Great. He's so fun. That is one of the best. He plays a, he plays Zach Alfenakis' mother in baskets.

Yes. And he plays a middle-aged, an elderly woman. Mm-hmm. And it fully works. It doesn't even come off as like a gimmick. No, no. In like eight seconds. At first you're like, ha, that's hilarious.

Louis Anderson is a primary woman. And then you're like, that's his mom. Right. And then 10 seconds and you're like, oh, that's his mom. It's basically Robert Downey Jr. Black. He is as a woman. Yeah. He just pulled it off perfectly.

But, yeah, so he was hooking up with this guy. He would, like, hook up with a guy in Vegas where they shot every, you know, a couple of weeks. Oh, they shot in Vegas back then. I think so. And they would just hook up in a van. He would blow the guy. And then he would be like, don't tell anybody. Then one day the guy's like, I'm going to tell the press unless you give me 20 grand or so.

And then the guy, and Louis is like, all right, all right, all right. And then, you know, a month later, is like, you know what? I need like 100 grand now. And he's like, all right, all right. And then millions of dollars go by. And eventually the guy still told him. something like that. That was mostly right.

What I'm seeing here is Anderson made several payments to Gordon totaling around 100K before eventually going to the FBI. Oh, Louie went to the FBI. Yeah, yeah. But he was still at 100K? Oh, I was way off. It cost him 100K to just fucking... Because it was just accumulating, I think.

Because they kept hook it up. Yeah. What a piece of shit, I know. I was arrested in the sting operation and sentenced to 21 months in prison. Good for Louie. pay restitution. Yeah. Wait, wait.

Why did the guy get arrested? Because it's illegal to fucking bribe. He's like blackmailing him. But isn't it illegal to pay for sex? Well, I guess he was paying for sex. No, no, he wasn't paying the guy threatened to tell tablets that Anderson had solicited him for sex years earlier. Got it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There you go. And Louis was afraid that would, like, damage his rep. Poor guy. Yeah. That sucks, dude. That sucks. Tim, now look at Tim's like.

Now you can be part. Now you can open. be a gay villain who dresses up as members of the media. Tim dressed and mocked the woman who runs CBS News. You can now be, that's how gay you can be and not be as scared of the media.

Whereas Louis Anderson is like, just probably having gentle gay sex in a van and then doing a great job hosting. And now you could just, at least we've made some advancements. It's true. It's like Ellen couldn't be gay. She got canceled. then she was like okay to be gay and then she got canceled for being a cut. That's progress.

Just a piece of shit. Yeah. Here's a little fucked up tidbit about Louie. He also, his sister alleged that he suffered elder abuse on his deathbed when his fucking agent and manager conspired to change his trust. Jesus. Like in his dying moments and make themselves the primary beneficiaries.

What? Wow. Yeah. Louie Anderson is the man. He's the man. That pisses me. the fuck all. I hope for him a few times. Really? Yeah, cool guy. He was the

first fat comic to do the, let me get the mic stand out of the way, which you can see me. Which has been done today. He did it first in the 80s. That, yes, respect to him for that. That's a good one. Love you, Louis. Fuck, dude. Yeah, he would have been a dream. He truly would have been a dream guest because I feel

like right as I, I think I like, there was like something up in the air where I could have opened from very early and I was, that was the most pumped I was, but I was way to, it was like, would have been a real stretch at the time. Because I feel like by the time I was even, you know, 10 years ago, like, when did Louis Anderson die?

Ooh, I don't know. Oh, really? That reason? Wow. Yeah, the coolest part by opening for him, you're like, in all, he's killing. You know, he's got jokes from decades and decades. But then we'd go to McDonald's after. And then he would order, like, crazy shit.

And you're like, it was like, like, opening for. Oh, my God. It was like, that was wasted on you. I know, I know. I'll have some nuggets. And he's like, get out of the way, son. But he'd be like, open for prior. Then he's just like, let's do blow all that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even if you're not a blow guy, you'll figure it out. Yeah, yeah. You'll figure it out. Damn, dude. Yeah, he was the fucking man, for sure. I did love Louis. Louis, the cartoon, was a fucking banger.

Great. A lot of fat representation. Yeah, back then, too. He was kind of a cool little fat kid. And I was like, yeah, hell yeah, that's me. You had fat Albert. and then Louis. There wasn't much for fat kids.

That's true. Let me think about... And then you had heavy weights. Oh, that was great. Great movie. Great movie. You had a couple... Like, Mighty Ducks had the fat goal.

Like, he had a couple guys... Who, by the way, that guy is not doing good. Rosenberg? He is. And he was in heavy weights as well. Yes. He was really talented. He was great.

He honestly, I probably modeled a lot of my, like, personality as a little fat kid. Because he was like the cool fat guy. Yeah, he was. He always had wise cracks. He would do like the L. He raised his eyebrow, like, really? And now the guy's, that guy's looking tough. I think meth got him.

I mean, dude, being a child star. It fucks everybody. There is no way. Like, that should be illegal. Yeah. If you try, if you take your child to every audition should be a sting operation. Oh, that's good. Every single time a parent takes a child for anything.

Yes. They should go to jail. I love it. They should go to fucking jail. It's weird. You're like you, it's like a cattle call where you bring your kid hoping that he gets discovered and you get rich. Right, right, right, right.

It's so weird. You're using the kid. Yeah. It's same with pageant cunts. These pageant's even worse. That's crazy. Pageant's even fucking worse, dude. Yeah.

I mean, I watch every one of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got a fucking feed. You got a feed of security cam footage from every Hilton garden in ballroom. Like, she's got potential. Yeah. I like her. I've got like a fantasy football league going with spreadsheets.

I like the Virginia chick. I think what you're describing is just how you got to Epstein's Island. I mean, that's the other other thing. It's like everyone, acting for sure, but pageants are straight up theater systems for pedophiles. Easily. There's no way that. The fact that that exists, I mean, that is despicable, dude. Pedophiles must love it because they can go in the audience.

Of course. It's like a show. It's like a, you know, you get a free strip tis. It's like going to a fucking fashion show. Yes. Oh, what's coming up this season? Exactly. Who are the children to groom this season?

Right. Right. So, I mean, the pedophilic shit that goes on. Like, they don't have that in other countries, do they all this? Do they have, like, are there European beauty pageants? This is where I'd love to blame America for something, but it probably is. Unfortunately, they probably exist other places. I'd say so.

Yeah, yeah. But we have a very, like, there's something about that. like southern churchy Right, right. A lot of makeup. You know what I mean? There's just something's so fucked about it. Yeah.

But, you know, whatever. Yeah. Now it's just a bunch of Florida teachers is keep fucking students. Every time I open Twitter, it's just like a new teacher. And they're all kind of like kind of hot. Yeah.

It's so strange. Yeah. Something's in the air down there in Florida. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, you're not, you're not, you're preparing your son for a,

first pageant soon, I'm guessing. Yeah. Hell yeah. Well, what's the boy version of that? I got a little boy. I guess it's like altar boy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So what's because the other thing is that your kid was born like a couple days with my nephew. So I always think about when I track my nephew's development, I think about your son because I'm like, oh, what's this little fucker up to? Oh, yeah. Because they're basically the same age. Yeah, 17th. Yes. Yeah. MLK weekend.

And Trump's inauguration. Yeah. So everybody's like the saddest day ever. And I was like, this is a great day. Oh, like fist pumping in the street. Hey, best day ever. And we always knew it about Mark.

He finally comes forward and shows who he's been the whole time. Google Maga. You named your son 47? Yeah. 47 Norman Yeah, because, you know... My wife's Baron?

Okay, okay. All right, all right. Donald Trump, Jr. Norman. Speaking of Coke, that guy loves the yam-jam. Every time I see that guy on TV, he's like... I know, dude, it's so fucking annoying that just objectively some of the worst people of all time won the decade. Like DJT Jr. just gets to be on cocaine on TV.

He won't need to listen to what that fucking idiot has to say. He's the most classic example of a fail son I can possibly imagine. He's accomplished almost nothing without. And then plus the like, how he's got to fuck you up psychologically for that to be your dad? Like that story about... Oh, totally. That story about, I don't know, look up if there's apocryphal or not where he's going to take him a Yankee game. And he's like in a, in a jersey. And Trump slaps his son in front of his friends

for not wearing a suit. No. Look up. Is that real eldest? Or is that, did I get got by some MSNBC mom AI shit? That's correct. But then you got Hunter Biden as well. He got the two sides of the coin there with the Coke by Coke folk. Who do you really want to do Coke with? Oh, you got to go Hunter. Is Hunter in a, you know, by a mile? I remember those videos of him with hookers and do crack in a ton. I'm like, why would he film this? And I realized, oh, he's on crack. He's on crack. Why would you film this? Yeah. Yeah. He's, he really, I mean, now you're like, not, like, now every fucking, like every, there's like a story where it's like, oh, yeah, Baron Trump just made $40 million on crypto. It's like, give me the old fashioned corruption where

it's like, the son is getting his dick sucks by sex workers. He's on crack. That's a fun presidential scandal. I know. And he just, he did an interview with. with Callahan. Yeah. He comes off so incredible and like a very smart guy. And it's like, and then I'm like, of course,

like, why would I judge this guy? This is what I'm like. I would do a, I would do drugs with fucking a couple of prostitutes for a week. That sounds hard. That sounds great. Awesome.

Sure. It was probably some of our money. Yeah. But you're like, this guy can talk and then you realize, well, yeah, he's a Coke hit.

Yeah, they can fucking talk about anything. He can talk about fucking Donkey Kong. He comes away and he comes away He comes interesting. Yeah, I watch the whole thing. I was shocked at how, because I put him in the same kind of bracket as like,

oh, just some political fail son. Right. And he's cool. And then when you think about like, that family got so fucked up by the like good son getting fucking brain cancer out of nowhere. And then you think about like,

damn, these people fucking grow up under such a fucked up microscope. Totally. Totally. Being the kid of a politician. I mean, it's like child star times 10. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Totally. Like, yeah. I mean, it can go that fucking, I mean, anyone who's parent as a politician, if you want to be president, you, another person should be in jail. Everyone that wants to be president is a sociopath. Yeah. Thinking you deserve that much power. Yeah.

I can't even imagine being raised by that. Even if he's like a good, the funny thing is, the only time Biden seemed like a reasonable human being and not completely senile was when you would see their leaked exchanges between him and Hunter. Right. And you'd be like, son, I love him. you so much. Yeah. We're going to get through this and you're like, damn, he's capable of being fucking cogent. At least a good father. Yeah. He shouldn't have been running the country. Right. Right. But he could at least give his crack heads, you know, former crack addicted

son some solace. Right. Well, that's why Baron is so, because he doesn't seem to have a vice. So he almost seems scarier. He's got like a Darth Vader thing where he's just like, duh, da, da, da, he's like eyes on the prize. He knows what he wants. He's like nine feet tall. Yeah. He's dark. He's gloomy? Yeah, there's a, yeah, you know, like, the weird, like the type of fucking guy who's throating Trump right now and pretending it's cool to be a pedophile, you know they've got some, like, designs for Barron being president.

Oh, yeah. Something's in the works. You know, like, when, like, there was that AI, early AI of, like, Trump, uh, with a beard and a shaved head. Uh-huh. You ever see that? All these guys that just make Trump seem like hot. Uh-huh. They weirdly want to fuck him. They, like, he's like their daddy that they respect psychosephal. You know they want Trump, you know they want Barron to be like our seven foot tall president. Oh, yeah.

Who like gets every ethnic minority out of the country. Like, they have visions of Barron Trump and like white armor. On like a fucking horse galloping and shit like that. Isn't it weird that he goes to NYU? That is walking that camp. Like, he's walking through Washington Square Park right now. It's crazy. Oh, dude.

I want to be that tall. He's getting laid. He's got to be. He's got to be. He's six, 11. Wow. He's rich. He's getting pussy.

There's no way you're not. But he doesn't seem like he wants it. You know, that's what I want in a young presidential son is the 100-bind. I want 100-bri- Oh, dude, if you, if Barron gets busted doing fucking ketamine with fucking strippers, then I'm like, all right, I'm listening. You got, you've caught my attention. Yes.

It's like when Malaney did blow. You're like, all right. Yeah, yeah. I like you way more now. Yeah, I became friends with Malini. fully post fully post him on cocaine. Exactly.

And it was a moment where you're like, yes. Yeah. He is one of us. Yeah. You're fucked up too. He clearly is one of.

It made, it made Mullaney snap into picture into like, because you're like, before you're like, is he just like a comedy robot? And they're like, no,

he's a fucking, he's been fucking, he's yipped out of his mind. And he loves comedy so much. He fucking does, he writes like jokes on cocaine. Oh, that's what it's all about.

It's crazy, dude. Yeah. Yeah, because before he was so polished, he was always a great comic. But he just seemed like a relative that went to Yale that you're like, oh, yeah, yeah, I want to talk to me. It definitely humanized him as a just not, because the one thing I do love about stand-up is that it does, there are people that if you took us doing comedy out of the equation, we would have almost nothing in common, right? Like I do like that as like kind of embarrassing as it sounds, it is an identity in a way where I'm like, I do get along with people that outside of this, I wouldn't have any, any, and get along with them and form real connections. Yeah. In a way where it's like, what did I, what would I really have in common with somebody who like, you know, like he went to fucking Georgetown?

Yeah, exactly. Like just, but because he was so good at comedy, it almost took me a while to realize like, oh, he's like a fucking, you. You know, like a rich kid from the Chicago Burbs who went to Georgetown, whatever. And then when you throw the drug use in there, I'm like, yes. One of us. Yeah, one of us. One of the Wall Street. One of us.

One of us. One of Deros is in the background. I loved when Deros was using that as, like, his main credit. Yeah. He's like, George has one of the most hilarious careers of all time. I know, I know. He's like in Wolf of Wall Street for one second. Oh, I didn't even know that.

Oh, he literally is. Wow. Yeah, he's in, he's a traitor. What? In whatever, Strathmore, whatever the fuck. Yeah, well, that fits. I mean, he lives like those guys. Yes, yes. No, it made sense.

I mean, yeah, the, the, in the Breaking Bad universe. Oh, that's right. That's right. Now, do you feel, uh, on the movie sets, do you feel a little like, oh, these guys are like Fesbians and I'm a fucking, you know, nightclub comic? I mean, I mean, dude, I'm on begonia. Yeah. It's Jesse, it's Jesse Plemons and Emma Stone.

That's the, it's like top. best actors alive maybe. I think the best actors of their generation. I'm obviously a little biased. But even before I worked with them, I felt that Stone and Plymouth, it's like, I really do think as pure actors, nobody is better than them.

So that was like fucking insane. I mean, I would have been like Leo in the trailer of once upon a time where you're like, come on, man. You're going to get you shit together. You're going to stop eating Ben and Jerry's every night. You got to get your act together. Dude, not even kidding.

There was a day where I got so lucky that my big, one of my big scenes, the night before, for some reason, I just went to, I went, I took the train into London, a friend of the show, Caleb here, you know, Caleb? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very funny. We got fucked up on Indian food. And then even without him, I'm eating little treats. I'm, you know, I'm in a foreign land.

I got to try all their treats and shit. That's their thing there, too. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, dude. So good. And I get, I just overeat and I have a horrific headache. And they're like, hey, we had to change the, we had changed the schedule, sorry, you're not shooting for like, you know, a couple days.

Oh, great. And I was like, I almost fucked up. Wow. Like my big, like, it was nerves. It was nerves like, it was truly nervous eating in a way where. But still, I was like, you're a fucking idiot. Yeah. You almost had so much fucking like biryani that you had a sodium headache and would have been bad on set.

Yeah. That whole thing was so surreal. that I just, that the whole thing felt like a dream. Sure. Like it never felt real. I mean, this is Oscar, I think, best picture nom here. We got nominated and, you know, Stone has won two fucking Oscars. Plemons has been nominated.

He should have, I think he should have won this year. He's the fucking man. He's great. But on that set, for sure, it was fucking crazy. And then, you know, then you go to tires and it's like someone who Shane met at a gas station. Has the fuck, has like a major B-Plice. plot of the season. You're like, I'm okay here. I'm feeling pretty good on the tire set. Yeah. But, you know, it just, it just kind of, the other thing you kind of realize is that like,

you know, it was a crazy moment to just be like, these are just dudes. Yeah. They're just fucking. And I guess I got lucky because they're both just actually cool people. But also, you see people who've been on TV and you see them as, or films and you see them as, like, larger than life. And then you're like, these are all. also 36-year-olds. We have all the same... Like, we grew up at the same time. Right.

It's like, it kind of demystifies them. And I do think in a weird way, stand-up is such bullshit. And so, like, tough in ways that it's like, you're embarrassed so much, you bomb so much. Even your friends will roast you to fucking smitherews. That when you're just on a place where people have to be professional, it's easy. You're like, no one's going to come after me. Yeah.

My co-stars, I'm going to call me a big, fat piece of shit. Yeah, you know what I mean? Heckled by the crew. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I actually fucking, I have a great time doing that shit. So we'll see. Until that fucking, until I have to open that Greek restaurant. Yeah.

We'll see how it goes. Yeah. But, you know. Man, yeah, you're on a roll. Yeah, it's crazy. I don't fucking understand. I never, I was like, oh, hopefully I get to be in some stuff. But we'll see how it goes.

You're cooking and work baguettes. work so then somebody sees you and something out. Do you think the cult movie was the was, did that help? I think it helped in that, uh, no, like the whole reason I made it because I was like, I was like, I think I can act and no one is ever going to cast me in anything. Hmm. I think very quickly after that though, I got, I mean, tires in bologna, I got, like, I got tires right after the cult movie and they just, that was just because I'm friends with Shane. Yeah. And I think those would have, I think what the cult movie has been helpful for is, now I thought it was going to be a launch.

I don't think it really did much. Okay. In terms of getting me more work. But now the fact that I made it, I think proves to people that like, oh, he's written something. He's written, executive produced and starred in something. So now it's like now they've seen,

this is a hope anyway, that they see me in this other shit and I do okay. And they're like, oh, we can trust him a little more than a random guy. He's already made his own movie. At a time when nobody makes. movies. That's true. So, you know, whatever, we'll see. I got some ideas, but I also just dude, I'm craving not doing

shit. I know. I'm craving not doing shit. Again, with the poor mentality, I have that like relevance mentality. Like, oh God, like Ari just took eight months off. Nobody noticed. Now he's back. We're miserable. We hate to see him. He looks like an Ayatollah now.

He's the gay one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, yeah, he's back and he's like coming out of the gate hot with his fucking TV show is that the storytelling show That's gonna be huge Shane's in it and Nates it Totally totally

All these Miss Pat It's gonna be big It's gonna be big So then you're like Oh Ari's back Okay there you go But I get worried Like if I'm gone a week

My wife's like Let's go on a fucking vacation You psycho I'm like I don't want to I gotta do this Upper West Side New York Comedy Club spot

Or are those cities gonna forget about me Yeah well it goes With your class I think your biggest issue And it's mine too it's a lot of people's. But you have the,

you have like a class, like a bit that I'm jealous of because it was like, it's basically just your headphones. The headphones, like, you can't. You were the first,

you got, you had a great take that I think, that's a really great joke because everyone, when you hear a great joke, you're like, I felt like that for the last six months. And I've never been able to put that together. But it's like,

yeah, just your, just, just saying like, thoughts are not good. Not good. You know, it's like,

I feel like every, I think we all, lived through, I think when AirPods first came out, everyone just didn't have a thought in their head for five years. That's so true. I really think that. And I do think what you're describing is

staying in the anxiety of it means you never have to reflect. You know? Because you're constantly in the rat race. Right. So you're just like, it's survival, survival, survival. If you fucking took two weeks off, you'd have to think about yourself. It would have to be your thoughts on it, even

larger level. Yeah. I think that's your... Is that what it is? I think that's your big thing to... Oh, interesting. I think that's your big thing to conquer. Okay.

It's a little... I think you're... You know, and I get it, because I'm the same way where it's scary to sit down and like honestly self-reflect. Yeah. As opposed to just keep doing it. Because I'm...

Dude, I've been talking about taking a break for four years. Exactly. And every time we talk, it's like, oh, I got to finish this first, and then the break's coming. I've never thought about the reflect. To me, it's more of like, you know, you're going to be rusty. You're not going to know how to do. You stand up anymore.

You're going to lose your house. But that's over. That ended. I think the pandemic ended all those thoughts. For me, anyway, because I was the same way over on a technical standpoint. Yeah.

And then you can't do stand up just because it doesn't exist. And I felt like I wasn't that bad when I came back. Yeah, it took like two sets. Two sets and you're fine. Yeah, yeah. Two sets. And you are better rested, whatever. But I don't know.

Who's to tell you? That's my hunch. I feel like everyone could, everyone who's in that mentality could just use a little time off and you'd have to just face the stuff you've been running from. Interesting.

Being real with yourself. That's funny because every vacation I went to, we went to Miami for New Year's. That was like a little vacation. And I drank from sun up to sundown for like nine days or seven days and you threw some mushrooms in there and whatever.

Oh, dude. Yeah, it was wild. I was the kid. Yeah, yeah. I'm in the pool with the kid. You're using him, no floaties. You're using him as a floatie. Yeah, he's saving me.

I do think self-reflections is scary. Look, I'm just, it's a little projection here, but I think a lot of my friends that I see similar traits in, I think we all need to actually be like, what am I, what is my life like? What have I done? What's good about it? What would I like to change?

And again, this is mostly projection because I'm in a state right now where I'm like, I need to actually think about what I want. Right, right. Because the worst thing is you do the math and you're like, wait, is my career directly detrimental to my happiness? And unfortunately, I hate to admit every time I've been running the equations a lot. Yeah, yeah. I've been running the numbers.

And the answer really is do not work as much. I know. And there's just, and I still try to be like, no, I can figure. I can keep doing it. But I just, anyway. And every man on the street I see, it's like, here's a, me with 20, 85 year old guys, they all. say don't work as much. I wish I hadn't worked as much. I wish I saw my family more. I wish I slowed down. I wish that and you're like, oh God, maybe they're on to something. Every one of

them says that. Yes, you have not, not one single one. There's not even the one guy who's like, I loved it. It was, you know what? I missed some stuff, but the energy of it was nobody. Nothing. Nobody thinks that. Yeah, yeah. You know what, another great, you know, the joke you said about the headphones where you're like, oh, I've thought that. Goulden has that great joke where I'm about depression and he goes you know the thing about life is is it's every day that is such a great line that we've all had that like oh another day here we go yeah so good patrice a similar idea where it's like you can't call out of being in love it's like yeah it's kind of a similar idea to the every day it's funny to like to patrice love with a woman is depressing like actually

loving a woman is like can i get a break from loving my wife you know it wasn't even his wife but Yeah. Dude, the Gullman Depression stuff is unbelievable. Great. He's a beast. All right. Well, listen, we've... Oh, geez. It's time for us to take some...

You know, we can talk about ourselves, but really we need to take... We need to help the people. In some ways, me and you are beyond fixing. Yes. Let's focus on this next generation. Yeah, we're like... We might help. That car that gets in a wreck and the door never closes, right?

That's us. You can do everything, but we're still going to be fucking dented. What else? Stavi, eldest, esteemed guest or guests. A long time, first time,

you know the fucking deal. Thanks, man. So basically, I'm a student teacher. Right now I'm currently teaching in the middle school. And there's a student of mine who really wants me to get with their sister.

What? I'm not going to lie, she's pretty hot. The sister, not the student. Uh, for reference. Your student? Want you to fuck her sister? And you're thinking about it, you fucking idiot?

Can you finish up, but this is crazy. Whoa. The sister's like 25. Oh. I'm going to be 28 in a few months. Uh, the sister's already like a, um, a nurse have their license and shit, have a house, apparently. Why is this guy? And I'm going to be graduating with both my masters.

and bachelors. And I was just curious to know, how could I let my student know that I'm down to date her sister, but how can I do it in a way that doesn't come off as like

creepy or desperate? Wait a minute. This guy's out of his fucking mind. I don't think this is so bad. Wait a minute, wait. Hold on. The sister is 25. Does the sister even know he fucking exists?

That's a good question. He's saying a child who he's teaching wants to set him up with her sister. Yes. And he's like, nice. Well, she's 25. It's a fucking kid. I was picturing another seven-year-old. And he's 28.

Huh? And he's 28. He's 25. Look, look. I'm not saying that if this guy met this sister and they hit it off and he asked her respectfully to go out that it's very, that that's weird. It's not weird for this guy to happen to be dating. Yeah.

One of his students' older, one of his students' family members, right? Yeah. That's not weird. Teachers are in the community? Fine. What's weird is having a child you teach set you up. That's, to me, he doesn't even know this is a fucking 12-year-old. Right.

Did she, how does, she said to her sister, I want to, because this other thing is like, it's a weird thing where maybe this kid is trying to process her crush on an adult by setting her up. But just like by setting... Oh, I see. Look, we've been in middle school and we've all had a teacher we've loved, right? Yeah, yeah, sure. Sometimes that's just an innocent whatever, but sometimes...

And look, it's innocent for kids to have crushes, whatever. I had that and I was homeschooled. Yeah. It's whatever. But I just think having a child who you teach during your trial period of teaching set you up.

And it's not even like, Like during a parent-teacher conference or during a conference, he sees the sister. They have a cute little moment. Yeah. She's like, you're doing such a great job with my sister. You're doing such a great job with my sister. There you go. And, you know, I hope to see you at the fucking spring fair or whatever.

Yeah. Right? We don't, this woman might not even know this guy exists. Yeah. A child, a child wants two adults to fuck. Right. And he's think, that's, to me, this is the odd part. Not that he might date a student's sibling, whatever.

I'm not saying that's weird. I'm just saying because, yes, now let's figure this out. Let's say we're trying to get him laid from this 25-year-old sibling. How does he go about it? Yeah, I think you've got to wait because he's a student teacher, so he'll never see this kid again once the year is over. I think you should wait until the year's over or the semester's over. then I think it's a little more appropriate. Sure, but then what?

You fucking take this kid's fucking, you steal this kid's address from the school. You're like, have a great summer. What's your sister's Instagram? Yeah, there you go. I'm not, this could be a small town, you know. That's what I'm thinking, like, just thinking of if it's like a small town kind of thing,

I can kind of see this vibe a little more. Yeah. You cannot be a teacher who gets their 12-year-old student to set you up with someone. I think if he was gunning for, like, damn, this student's got a hot sister. Let me work this out. But the student is coming to him,

going, my sister's single, you guys would be perfect together. I don't know. I think this is kind of cute. But then what does he do? Say, okay, give me your sister's number? Does he say that to a student? I think the girl, the student has to go back

to her sister and go, hey, he's interested. Where do you want to go with this? Isn't it a little odd? That a child is your go between. Queen here. It's a little hard. All I'm saying here's what I'm saying. He's not fucking the student. No, no, no. No, no. Look.

He is not a criminal. Yeah. This is a wholesome call and I'm not accusing him of anything. I'm just saying the only way this happens is if there's a legitimate, is there some school event? Is there a graduation? Is there

something where because we don't even know who this fucking, again, we don't know if this girl even knows that he exists. Or if this is just a fantasy that his 11-year-old student has, right? So the only way this happens is if like, or if you're truly blessed, and this is a small town, you're out at Chili's one day with the fellas. She's in Chili's with her family.

And you can be like, oh, this is Mr. That, if you have one of those weird seeing this teacher in the supermarket moments. Yeah. And you happen to be with your sister. Okay. but to me, even though you're not, I'm not accusing you of anything untoward here. I'm just saying it's too weird

to push the envelope in any way. This is something you have to see if it happens. And if it happens great, and no one's saying you're weird, but to just be like, hey, can I get your address? Can I get your sister's number? Like imagine if a fucking principal

just overhears, hey, what's going on? Can I get your sister's number or what? Oh, yeah. That's good point. When you put it like that. If a different parent. Yeah.

And by the way, he's student teaching. Right? Yeah. What does that mean? I don't even know what that means. He's not a, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, it's, it's, it's, it's part of your training to become a teacher. Got it. Got it.

To student teach for six months or whatever. Okay. So what if this ruins his fucking, what if this gets back that he was trying to fuck his student's siblings? And again, that's not being a pedophile, but it is like a strange. That. We will all admit that is a weird relationship to have with an 11-year-old. It's the weirdest dating app of all time. It's inappropriate. Thank you.

Yes, yes. There's no dating app that's like have our underage siblings set us up. Right, right. So anyway, that's my take on this. You cannot push the envelope. You have to sort of let the... It's kind of like when someone asks, can I get back together with my ex?

It's like, look, if you fully break up, you fully lead different lives, you go no contact, and then you happen to come into each other's lives again and hit it off as different, almost essentially different versions of yourselves. Yeah. Maybe.

But when you try and keep getting back together with someone, it's never going to work. No, no. And to me, this is one of those like, you got to set it free. There's just a girl that sounds cool that you might be able to fuck. Either it happens or it doesn't,

but you cannot push the envelope as a student teacher, in my opinion. That's all I'm saying. We're doing. I say, let it ride, buddy. Get that number. I mean, like, I've watched enough incest porn where I'm like,

this is wholesome. Yeah. This is nothing. No, I mean, compared to student, teacher and propriety, compared to what a 28-year-old man and a 12-year-old girl could have as an inappropriate relationship, this is nothing. Yes, exactly. But it still is technically an inappropriate relationship. Well, you're right, but I think it's about how you play it.

You go up and go, hey, you want to, can I get your sister's number in the hallway? You know, the guidance counsel hears that you're going to jail or whatever. You corner her. You say, I have a gun. something bad is going to happen unless you give me your sister's number. I do wonder if there's a small element here. It's like, is this teenage girl just fucking with you too?

Very possible. Is it like, you know, very possible. Ooh, you should date my sister and like, you know. Here's their number and they're just fucking fucking with you. Yeah. Does she even have a sister? Right.

Is she trying to get you to send her nudes so that she can accuse you with me? Not that this child is. I'm not trying to make this child out to be a master. mastermind, but that's possible that... I mean, look, he said the sister was hot, so maybe she concocted a photo. She just took a picture out of a magazine or something.

Whatever. Look, this could be a very wholesome thing that unfortunately our world has ruined. Right. Right. It's again, not to keep quoting different great bits, but Bill Burr's joke about how pedophiles have ruined, like, going up to a fat kid and

grubbing and giving him a nooky or whatever. Yeah, yeah. Get out there, fat boy, or whatever. I still love kids. Get that fucking thing away for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Unfortunately, because, yes, this is like almost some like 1950s. Yeah. The school teacher, oh, I met your older sister at the sock hop and we hit it off, right?

Exactly. Exactly. But we don't live in that world anymore. Yeah, I guess not. That's gone, unfortunately. Thanks to Florida. Thanks to the teachers in Florida, that's gone. Thanks a lot, whores.

You ruined everything. So, yeah, man, good luck. Energetically maybe put it out there that you want. this, you know, vision boards is about as active as you can get. Manifestation is about as active as you can get, in my opinion. Wait till the semester ends. Mark thinks you should fucking ask for the number. Yeah, I say, fuck the sister

and the mom. Have a good time. Yeah. And then set a timer on your watch for when she turns 18. All right, L.D., what else we got? Little buddy? Yo, Dob, Elvis, esteemed guest, long-time listener, first-time caller. I've got a bit of a doozy. It's a longer once, so hang with me.

I've been in business with two childhood best friends for the last five years, roughly. We opened a company together after working our 20s in normal corporate jobs. And business has been relatively successful and so far so good on that front. However, six months ago, one of my business partners broke up with his at the time girlfriend because he took

a bunch of Molly and saw one of our employees in a wedding dress and decided to start dating her instead that relationship has created a massive shift in the power dynamic and definitely some tension between

me and my other business partner and him because this employee has been a problem at our company for the entirety of her tenure. She is miserable and depressed all the time. There is no dragging her out of it. She is just an awful miserable person. Unfortunately, my business partner who started dating her is starting to become an awful

miserable person. So my real question, stop, is what the hell do we do? do. Do we confront him and tell him that dating this girl is only creating more problems? Do we just let it right out and start to cut him out of the business? I'm at a loss

as to how to handle this. This is tough. Poor guy. Intense. And he is an autistic little cat struggles to express his emotions outwardly. And it's gotten to the point where

we just don't want to be around them. So I don't know what you think we should do, but curious to hear your thoughts. Thanks, bud. Can you explain the, so this is a, he broke up his girlfriend and started dating an employee. Yeah. Okay, got it. Basically, yes.

They basically started a small business that seems to be going well, and he broke up with his girlfriend and started dating an employee. So there's a couple elements to this. First of all, your friend fucked you, right? That's important to note that he is your boy, and he completely fucked you. And by the way, starting a business with your friends, you know, I have done it. Obviously, there are huge downsides. Sometimes your best friends barely know how to do their fucking job.

I would actually love it if Eldis was competent and actually started fucking JP on the side. That would actually, that would help stop you baby enterprises a lot more. That would be a tall baby. Elders is definitely the one carrying it. Eldis definitely has the birthing hips. But, so, okay, the first thing is there's a business perspective. Yeah. And there's a friendship perspective.

And this is also classically why people tell you not to go in business with people very close to you. Yeah. Yep. So I think you have to start from the friendship perspective. You have to start from there because this is your boy, right? And he is, you know, he has trouble, whatever, with his feet, whatever. you need to tell him like you gotta figure this shit out

yeah you know we can't the other thing is he's really complicated things because it's an employee exactly if it was just if he just had some dumb bitch girlfriend you could figure that a little bit but now they can't fire her that's a fucking

that's a crazy lawsuit probably right and you have to kind of be like dude what the fuck are you doing you have we have to figure out a way to fucking like you know this was a misstice I mean taking Molly and dating and... First of all, did you ever punish him

or did he ever get his comeuppance for dating an employee? That's a very interesting... Like, how small is this company? Yeah. Is there an HR? Did you guys say, what the fuck are you doing? You're her boss. You can't fucking do that.

Doesn't sound like it. Probably not, right? So you have to have a conversation with him. I don't know how that goes. Because I don't really even know what you can say to him. Yeah. Like, what do you need from him to break up with this person?

That... as its own whole shit. Yeah. Well, I think the only thing I can think of is because you can't fire, she might sue. So that sucks. So you've got to go, anything that happens with her is on you. Yeah. And like, you can't affect the whole company. Yeah. So maybe you can get that in writing or something.

It's like, you brought this crazy bitch into this situation. So you're responsible for her. So if she tries to fuck us, sue us, you're going to have to deal with that. I don't know. This is a tough one. Or just try to break up with her. I think, yes. I think like this is really, this is a difficult. You could do a us or her kind of thing.

You get the two friends like break up with her, stay with the job or. I think a good starting place might be like, do you even understand like what happened here with your friend? He's essentially describing this guy blowing his life up. Like he took Molly. He did it. He broke up with his long term ex. And I don't know what he meant like. Like the wedding dress?

Saw one of our employees in a wedding dress. He had a vision. He had a vision of this. Oh. Oh. I didn't get that either. That's how it felt like to me anyway. Oh,

this guy sucks. Yeah. Vision. Get out of here. That sounds like, you know, I don't know how old they are, quarter life,

midlife crisis, something where you're just like. Well, first of all, even leaving the corporate world and starting a business, that's a little fucking midlife, quarter life crisis right there. It's positive because you want to be like,

fuck the corp, I don't want to be a corporate, fucking slave. I want to start something with my friends. So, yeah, maybe all of them have a little bit of that going on, right? But I do think, so there's the friend portion, and you do have to have a tough and that's a good point out. I'll start to cut you off.

Because I think you're right where they need to have the conversation that's like, what the fuck happened, man? Can we start there? How are you feeling? Don't even make it about her specifically. I'd be like, dude, I'd be honest, you've been a little erratic, you've been a little all over the place, your mood. Don't link it to her.

Just be like you seem to have gotten more depressed. like let's talk about how you're feeling like is everything like you know we've had a couple crazy years because that's the other thing when you have a successful business popping off it is like you don't really have time to reflect that's a classic pour everything into the business don't think yeah yeah right so maybe you could be like hey man we've been doing this for a couple years shit's kind of stable what the fuck's going on we feel like shit's going a little you feel like you feel a little depressed you feel a little erratic you broke up with what's your face you You start dating an employee.

You kind of fucked us there. Let's talk about it. And really go to him as friends, first and foremost. But then you also have to have the business side of it, right? It's like, and look, like if Eldis was ultimately doing something that was fucking things up so, so bad, I would just have to be like, like if Elvis was fucking addicted to fucking drugs,

cheating on his wife on the road, I'd be like, all right, man, well, you're suspended indefinitely. Sure, sure. You have to go to fucking rehab. Yeah. You have to figure your shit. shit out. You're my boy. And right now you're fucking both our relationship

and our business up. Yeah. So I'm not going to fire you, but I am going to say you can't fucking be here until you finish, figure your shit out. But he's also sane. I mean, you know, the other guy they talk about he's like an artistic weirdo. But we're talking about a scenario where he's not. He's lost his mind.

Okay, okay. Like, and so that's, so you got to approach him as a friend first. But you have a fucking business here and I hate to, and there are obviously things that are more important than business, you know, we're an anti-capitalist podcast here. We don't think just money for money's sake will make you happy. There's nothing wrong with having a successful business, but putting just success over

everything's a mistake. But also, if you're running a business, you want to make sure it's fucking functioning. And if one of your friends is fucking it up, you can be like, hey, after we've had the discussion about you as our boy, this has bled into the business. And now you've kind of fucked a couple things up where you're dating an employee. That's a fucking nightmare. we might have to demote you on paper or we might have to do something

because like now you know you don't want you can't you don't want it to be behind us back because you don't want business to destroy your relationship he's fucked you

you want to give him the opportunity to redeem himself but then if he just if he's like fuck you it's love how dare you talk to this way then he's decided okay fine we're in a corporate fucking

And now it's like us versus you. Yeah, exactly. And then you do maybe have to cut him out or just sort of like have him have less decision making or whatever. Yeah. Or buy him out. Yeah. Because two against one now. Yeah.

And if you pick her over the company, it's not a good sign for the company. So I think the way to do it is to give your boy. Because the cold-hearted way is cut him out. Business-wise, it's like he fucked you behind his back. Yeah. Come up with a plan to cut him out of your business. Right. Right.

Because he's a headache, whatever. That's the smart on-paper move. Right. The human thing to do. And by the way, if he wasn't one of your best friends, I would even say that might be the smart thing to do because he's clearly putting your business in jeopardy. Yeah.

But the fact that he's one of your best friends means you have to do a, what is not smart from a business standpoint. And approach him with all your cards on the table and be like, I care about you. Let's figure your shit out. Here's how you fuck the company. here's how we need to fix it. And if he takes that personally and he's like,

fuck you, whatever, that was your attempt to being the bigger man. Yeah, that's true. And he kind of squandered it. Because he did, by the way, he did fuck you. Again, if Elders fucking got fucked up and posted his dick on my fucking YouTube and got it taken down, I would kill him.

Right. I would beat the fuck out of him, right? I wouldn't cut him out of my life again because he is my best friend. But there would be a, there would be retribution, let's say, right? and this guy needs to understand he's kind of fucked you

and you can still be the bigger person and not be a cold-hearted fucking businessman first and foremost but if he pushes your hand you can still just cut him out because he did fuck you I think that's sort of after thinking about it

I feel like that's right to me there you go I mean I wish we knew what the company to be great if it was like truth social or something the guys that did only fans Black rifle coffee that would be awesome

if we have some troop coffee right yeah it's probably yeah it's gonna be such a bullshit. It's like, we do so, remember Chia Pets? We're doing... Yeah, exactly. We have a licensing deal with like, fucking Hasbro. Just some

low-level bullshit. Yeah. Anyway, uh, that's an interesting one. That is tough. And I bet you this guy is just, this is classic quarter-life, midlife crisis shit. Sounds like it. I started a business. He's dating the wrong... He's dating a depressed girl with bangs and piercings probably. He's never tasted depressed

pussy in his life. He thinks it's the elixir. He never was a open micer in his 20s. Yes, yes. You know what I mean? And he owns a company now and she's beneath him. I'm sure he's never had that before. Of course, of course. A lot of problems here. Hit us with another one, a little L Dunce.

Hi, Stav. Me and my husband are in a non-monogamous relationship. I don't really date that much, mostly because I hate people. Sure. But he's very outgoing, so he does have like a few girlfriends.

Respect. Unfortunately, every time he gets a girlfriend, they want to have sex with me. I don't. I mean, they may want to have sex with him too. I don't want to have sex with them.

Like, I barely want to have sex with my husband. Wow. What's going on? This is interesting. I'd love to talk about. So how would you tell these girls that you don't want to have sex with them in a way that makes them want to continue having sex with my husband? This is crazy. I can't believe my wife called in.

Yeah. Oh, dude, why the fuck did you patch in Mark's live voicemails? This is a wild one. This is a good one. This is a real... I love to talk to this person on a live call because I think it's very interesting to think of a non-monogamous relationship working solely...

Because, you know, we get questions about mismatched sex drives a lot. Sure. And there's something kind of nice about someone who's not really like a weird poly-sex nerd, but she just seems to be kind of an open-minded person who's like, look, I don't like fucking that much. I love my husband. If he wants to go out and fuck girls,

and he wears a condom and it's safe, great. Yeah. I respect, that's kind of, you never hear about polyamorous relationships that are purely about like logistics. Yeah, yes, yes. It's usually about

touchy feeling. Weird kind of people trying to get over some kind of sexual trauma or just some kind of weird relationship to sex. This is a very pragmatic one that it's kind of fun and fun to talk about. Yeah, and also they're trying to bang her and she's not into it.

That's also rare. Most of the girls like, let's all fuck. It's all be together. Which is probably my read is that these women want to sort of, because these are all clearly people who are very comfortable in being a polyamorous, non-monogamous situation. To me, it's almost like when you're the girlfriend that gets to fuck the wife, that kind of co-signs you as like an upper tier girlfriend. It kind of in the harem power rankings. Yes, yes. If you're the one who got to be in the threesome with the wife, you sort of have her blessing all.

almost as the top as the top concubine. Very interesting. That's my guess is that there is some kind of psychology here to that. I conquered the husband and the wife. Right, right. The wife gives me her tacit approval. Right. And, you know, maybe they're just, you know, also maybe they just, you know, they want to fuck you.

They think you're hot, whatever that makes sense too. Yeah. But how do you tell them? Yeah. I don't think that's a big problem. No, no. I think your husband and his girlfriends can fuck he. other.

Yeah. Like, if they really want a threesome, you know, they, they'll, I don't think this is a big deal. You could just be like, I'm not really into it. You know, by the way, he's in a great setup. This guy has nothing to complain about it. This guy's not going to be like, oh, come on. Exactly.

Why would you have a threesome with me and my girlfriend? Yeah. He's pretty pumped. Yeah. You don't even really date. And I would ask, is this a, like, just, look, maybe I'm just being too, after praising it, now I've got to play the opposite, which is like, is, you know, it's in the news right now, are you in a Lindy West situation? You know, you sound kind of sad. Are you just,

are you just depressed person? That's okay. Listen, if you're a depressed person, or maybe you just have a flat affect, maybe you're very happy and maybe you don't have a high sex drive, that's okay, but by the way, being the lack of sex drive is part of depression sometimes for certain people. That's true. That's true. Did you used to have a high sex drive? Did you used to be more outgoing? And because, you know, you didn't even say like he's less horny than me. You're like he's a more outgoing guy. Yeah. Maybe you're just a homebody who does.

She says she doesn't like people. Yeah. It's fine. Doesn't like fucking her husband. She said it even. You don't even like. So now maybe this is best case scenario. You're kind of like a, almost asexual.

Yep. And you do have a true romantic and even platonic and life partner love with your husband. And you're like, yeah, it's not that important to me. I don't care of you fucks girls. Great. But I am curious. Is that really the case? Because it just sounded a little sad to me.

Agreed. And it's like, I'd love to, I want to make sure you are actually okay with this. It's kind of my thought. Yeah, because is anybody really okay with this? We do a lot of poly stuff, but a lot of it falls apart. A lot of it ends in drama. Sure. I agree.

And I think what unlocked me was when people are like, well, what about regular marriages? When a poly person is like, okay, yeah, our relationships do end bad. What about your relationships? That's a good point. That's actually one of their best counters. That's pretty good. Because when I heard that, because I used to love arguing with, you know, my, like, I have, like, friends back home who were, like, really, like,

because look, to me, I think they just reinvented cheating. Yeah, exactly. They branded it. When someone is like, when someone is like, I'm solo poly, it's like, you're just getting pussy, you're getting dick. Yeah. Solo polymese. People say they're solo but polyamorous.

Okay. Which means they're not in a relationship, but they're just letting everybody know if we ever got in a relationship. relationship, I would also need to fuck other people. Damn. Which to me, it just means like, no, you're just, you're really just dating. Yeah. Like, a lot of this is just rebranded.

Exactly. And listen, to me, I think I could see myself being in a fucking, you could argue I have been in open relationships with all the girls I've dated in the last couple years, because I've never been in a committed relationship. Sure. But I have, you know, I've seen, there's people in my life that I see on a regular basis, whatever. By accident, you kind of enter into. one of those. But it's like, yes, I think the amount of people that this really works for is probably

really small. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I do think if it does work, it's, it is a situation, it is the best case situation of this one, which is like, yeah, I'm just, it doesn't bother me and I don't want to fuck that much. And this is just who I am. So maybe that's just who you are, but to my antenna are up, yes, of like, let's, let's examine this. Are you actually happy? Yeah. You know what I mean? Because if you're really into the Polly world, you would be kind of like, oh, the husband and the new girl want to fuck me. Yeah. Like, at least be flattered by it. She didn't even seem flattered. Even as

someone who doesn't like dating very much, because you don't like seeing other people, it's like, well, ostensibly you trust your husband's judgment. Exactly. And so this is actually an easy way for you if you weren't social but horny. Yeah, silver platter. My fucking husband's already, you know, vetted her. Exactly. If you're by, which I assume,

you know, I'm sure. Yeah, she's got to be fine. But anyway, even the even the way she's framing it and makes her husband like sounds so passive or something. And it's like, how can I just keep these whores on his dick and keep the intimacy and sex completely outsourced? So I don't have to like deal about like worrying with that with him. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. He's living. He's busy this guy. Yeah. It's like, does he even notice that? That she's kind of sad. That you're kind of sad.

Doesn't sound like it. All right. Yeah. See tomorrow. The thing that shocks me is the idea that you would be, you would have found someone you want to be. with and then you're still on Tinder? Yeah, it's a lot of work.

I knew, I've known people who are in open relationships and it's like, and they really do like their partners. And I'm like, you guys got it. Yeah. You want to go have a first date? I know. Get to know somebody. Some of them don't even just fuck.

If they just fucked out, I'd understand that way more where it's like, look, we're adults. If you have fucking fuck every once in a while, but it doesn't mean anything who cares. But these are people who have multiple girlfriends and, you know, whatever. So anyway, I would examine it, but also your actual problem does not sound like a problem. No, you got it made. You don't want to fuck your husband and somebody else is doing it and you have to turn them down a few times. You're good. You're cruising.

But is that her problem overall? Is the lack of communication? Because if she doesn't know how to say this, she definitely doesn't know how to say more complicated. That's true. That's true. If she has any nuanced issues with their arrangement, she has no way of voicing that. But I would love to see. if you can contact her, I'd love to talk to her on a live call.

Yeah. I'd love to get to the bottom of this. And to your point about the marriage also falling apart, because Polly shit falls apart, Polly shit, you break up, there's no legal. Right. There's no money. There's no pre-nup or lawsuit or lawyers or anything. Or does it end up worse?

We're now you have to pay four people. Look, I'm not giving my wife's boyfriend Jonathan a cent. Yeah. I can be a bit. Yeah. All right. I'll write it down. The fourth hour, we got to get that going.

Little Eldie, why don't you play us something fun to go out on, little buddy? Sure. Let's try this one on for size. Gustav, Eldis, yes. So my name is a family name that's been in my family for several generations now. And the name itself, like first and last name together, are kind of hilarious. It sounds like a porn star's name. something along the lines of like

Hugh Johnson or something like that. Obviously not my real name, but it's an awesome name. And it's been nothing but like a great asset in my life, to be honest. The girls love it, the guys love it even more. Yeah. Now, when it comes to my wife... His name is Dick Hard? Yeah, it's something like that.

Right. Dick Rock would be an awesome. Dick Rock is a great name. Dick Rock. Luke Warm. Keep going old. My wife and potentially keeping the name in our family, she's totally against it.

She thinks it's a ridiculous name, which I kind of agree with, but like I said, it's done nothing but great things in my life. So the question is, keep the name or not. Thanks. Appreciate you guys.

I love the show. Bye. I mean, I'd love to know your real name. Yeah. But you got to keep things. the name. Yeah, come on. If it's a generational thing, look, it's one thing if you have a generational name.

Like, I've known people who are like, you know, whatever, Stanley, whatever the fuck, the ninth. Like, I knew somebody who was like somebody the sixth. His son would have been the sixth or the seventh. Wow. And he's like, that's cool, but also my experience with it, and they're not rich or anything. People expect you to be some like,

some air. Some air. Yeah. And he had a horrible time with it. And he just decided we're stopping it. Wow. Because it wasn't, he doesn't really feel any connection, whatever. And it's like, okay, that's totally your decision.

But if this has been around the family for generations. And it's funny. And you like it. That's the main thing. And here's the thing. You can change the kid's name. Right. If they don't like it or they can go by fucking, you know, junior.

Yeah. Or whatever the fuck. I think you got, personally, I think you got to keep it. And I think where you fucked up was not having to. having this conversation with your wife earlier. You know what I mean? Because, and look,

maybe it's not a deal breaker for him. Maybe he's like, to me, I'm just, I still can't get Dick Rock out of my head. Or like Dick Pounder. Who is, what the fuck?

The Seattle, the quarterbacks, his grandfather was named something hilarious. Oh, really? Can you look it up, Sam Darnold grandfather? He was the original like Marlboro Man

and he was named like Dick. Honestly, not. far off. It was Dick something. Dick Stroker or something like that. Damn. Dick Hammer. Dick Hammer. Come on. That sounds like one of the Trump's operations.

Operation Dick Hammer. Operation Dick Hammer. We're giving Israel all of Europe for Operation Righteous Dick Hammer. That dick is circumcised. Dick Hammer. Come on. That's gold. Anyway, so let's just say it's Dick Hammer.

Okay. Okay. And your wife wants to make. your son's name Gregory Hammer. Frank. Oh, the Frank Hammer sounds pretty good, too. Frank Hammer's not bad. We're getting bogged down in Hammer. But the idea

that I had Dick Hammer in my family. Unreal. And I willingly chose not to bestow that on my son. That pisses me the fuck off. Yeah. The idea that you would not keep your hilarious name. And again, he loved it. Right.

If you had an experience, we were like, this sucked. People treated, I got made fun of. And look, let's be honest, you might not have, your kid might have the kind of dispensation where they don't like it. And that's all right. Nicknames exist.

Name changes exist. Who cares? I think you at least have to give. When it comes to tradition, if it's something you like, I think you got to give it a shot. Can you go, oh, sir, can you go legal name, but then have a nickname?

Sure. You know, like give the kid the name, but just call him something else. Dick is so good, because if they don't fuck with it when they grow up, we don't know that it's dick. Go Richard. I know, but as an example,

it's like, is your name something that could go by those same rules? Is there a longer version of that? I wish he told us his name so we could really work something. I know, because Hammer, you could do Jack. Yeah, I got Jack Hammer. I mean, there's a lot of fun things to do. Anyway, text out of us your actual name and we'll think about it more.

Yes, please. And text me later because I'm curious too. But I am firmly in the camp. And look, obviously, you're appealing to us. We're stupid, right? We're the kind of people that if we met a guy named Dick Hammer at a bar, we're buying him drinks all night. Yes.

We were taking him out. We were trying to make him our best friend. Yeah. On the strength of his name being Dick Hammer or, you know, Dick Rock or whatever. Yeah, jack off me. Something. But, so whatever. But I do think there, even you take that out of the mix,

I think in general, family and tradition, as long as it's not, it doesn't, you know, stop you from developing a sense of individualism, as long as there's nothing, you know, that you're embarrassed by or they did anything fucked up. Because that's another problem with, like, tradition. It's like some of the most, like, you know, some of the most storied New York families.

It's like, you go to all the streets in like Brooke, like Stuyveson, whatever. That's basically a list of slave owners in New York. Yeah, so it's like, so unfortunately sometimes tradition does interact with some unchill things. All the time. But if it's just a funny...

Yeah, it's fun. What do you got? Like, Rusty hog? You know? Rusty hogger. Yeah. I would love that, man. So anyway, you got to keep it.

Your fucking wife's a fucking bitch. Yeah. No sense of humor. I get where she's coming from, too. Yeah. Her name's Harry Coos. That's a guy. Wait, no way.

Harriet Cous. There we go. Yes, keep the name and let us know what it actually is. Please. We want to know. Dying to know. He didn't tell you secretly in any back channel. Did he hold this? I just sent out the text. Let's see if we get it. We will not get it in the 10 seconds. A small one?

Just a pooper. That's going to do it for us. Folks, go watch the special. Yes. None too pleased on Netflix right now. And yeah, thank you for, I guess we're. done touring, Elders. Woo! Oh, actually, I just filmed my... I just filmed my special.

There you go. All right. Celebrate it. Just two days ago, I was filming my special. Hell yeah. Anyway, that's going to do it for us, folks. Thank you. Go see Mark on the road.

Listen to Tuesdays. Listen to We Might Be Drug. You do really... You do podcasts with two of my favorite guys in the world. Oh, yeah. I'm very lucky. I didn't even think about that. Two of the funniest guys.

Sam and Joe really are like my... Maybe the two and soda. Yeah. Like who once I moved were like so over the top nice to me. Yeah. That I was like, fuck, man. What's going on here? We got a good crew out there.

Good crew, good crew. Anyway, that's going to do it for us, folks. We will talk to you next week. Bye, bye.