Stavvy's World - #180 - Robert Smigel

Starting point is 00:00:00 Oh, ba! Welcome everybody to Stavvy's World 904-800. Call in, we'll solve your problems. We have an incredible episode. Robert Schmeigel is here, a hero of mine, one of the funniest guys. But, one of his friends, a very high-profile friend of his, he will not stay for the whole episode, but he did have some things he wanted to get off his chest. So very quickly, like, whoa, triumph the insult comic dog. It's Stavi, baby.

Starting point is 00:00:30 That's me. What a thrill. Thank you for being here, Triumph. Thank you. Aren't I a good actor? You're incredible. I'm so excited. No, Stavi baby.

Starting point is 00:00:40 Yes, it's so exciting. Everyone calls you Stavi baby. Am I correct? That's right, Triumph. I understand that's because you look like someone rolled an infant around the barbershop floor. Am I right? That's actually not right. That's not correct?

Starting point is 00:00:54 No, no, no. Okay. That sounds like some kind of joke that was. Pre-written then. No, no. That's just, yeah, just, I don't know, a nickname. Has nothing to do with me being an infant rolled on discarded hair. Okay, all right.

Starting point is 00:01:09 I'll take your word for it. Well, let me ask you this, you know? Yeah. You started the show with the Opa, which implies that you're Greek. Right, right, right. Yeah, 100% Greek, I understand. 100%. And yet, the God that you're most associated with is Buddha.

Starting point is 00:01:26 Oh, Buddha. You see, because Buddha has a human. stomach and this gentleman to my right also well you get the idea you have eyes but you know I'm kidding I kid I kid I kid you're so likable that's why you're a hit you know you have this magnetic personality and not just because your body has its own gravitational pull you're like me you know your foul mouth you're a politically incorrect liberal it's okay don't do it in the middle of my jokes. And do it maybe

Starting point is 00:02:00 after the punchline, you know? Boy. I'm sorry, Triumph. Have you learned nothing from Conan watching him all these years? It's okay. It's okay. He's still talented, folks, I assure you.

Starting point is 00:02:17 No, you have this wonderful magnetic personality. Did I already do this joke? I have my own gravitational feel. Yeah, I did that one. My God. I mean, I am like 700 years in human years at this point. That is true.

Starting point is 00:02:34 I'm entitled to a little abyssal Alzheimer's. Okay, you're like me. You're foul-mouthed, you're politically incorrect, liberal, who few people realize is an actual human being. You're just like me. You see, no, let's go, but let's go through your incredible career that led you to this show and this, incredibly shitty apartment.

Starting point is 00:02:58 You started... Hold on. That's okay. You have low standards. And it's okay, you know. You need to have low standards when you look in the mirror. Okay, you became famous on Comtown, am I right? That's right.

Starting point is 00:03:13 And I'm not referring to your beard. Comtown. Now, that was known as the flagship podcast of quote-unquote, the dirt bag left. I suppose. Yes. Some people have called it that. Coincidentally, that's also what everyone says when you leave a room.

Starting point is 00:03:32 The dirt bag left. But honestly, I'm a huge fan. Now this is a good time to put the cigar back in the mouth. Yes. There we go. Now, honestly, I'm a huge fan. I mean, honestly, you are as funny as you are gross. No, that's not fair.

Starting point is 00:03:52 That's not fair at all because a gross is 144 pounds. you look much closer to 315, 320. Did you have a nice Easter? I did, I did. Tell me, what colors did the kids paint you this year? See, now we're unpleasant subjects, the holidays. By the way, I know you're not Jewish, but you might want to, may I suggest celebrating Passover,

Starting point is 00:04:16 just to go a week without bread for once? I'll keep it in mind, Triumph, thank you. I deserve a cigar. Cigar for that day. Okay, but no, you're wonderful. Look at this guy, you're so down to earth, you know? Fame hasn't changed you one pound. And it's great, not today, but it's great that we like to still wear Hawaiian shirts,

Starting point is 00:04:42 even though Hawaiians are constantly trying to roast you on a spin. You see, again, because of... Now, that's an either-or with this joke, so you and editing can decide. You know, I know you've been eating. I understand you've been eating better lately. A little bit, sure. Lots of fruits and vegetables. Even though every time you have an apple in your mouth,

Starting point is 00:05:02 people think they're at a luau. You see. Okay, so that's an either or... I think we keep them both. I think we keep them both. Whatever you say, you know, I don't... We don't want to keep to see how the sausages are made. Or eaten.

Starting point is 00:05:19 Now, you're wonderful. He's so much more than a fat podcaster. Honestly, I am really... simplifying the complex sight that you have before you. For example, this is an actor. I loved you in Bagonia. Oh, thank you.

Starting point is 00:05:36 It's like you were born to play a child molesting cop. I think there's a little more to it than that, but yeah, thank you. There's more to it than that with the aliens and all that. You know what? By the way, I read you inspired another movie. I read that the writer Andy Weir

Starting point is 00:05:54 got the idea for aliens eating the sun, in Project Hail Mary after seeing you at the breakfast buffet. That kind of metaphorically inspired him. Pretty much metaphorically. Somewhat beyond metaphorically. You think I could literally eat the sun triumph? Is that what you're accusing me of? Why are you putting yourself down like that?

Starting point is 00:06:20 Dream big. Come on, Stavi, you're doing great. He's in an Apatown movie and he's worried. about eating the sun. You can do it. I understand he's in the apatine. He's everywhere. You're also on tires because

Starting point is 00:06:37 a regular couch can't support you. That's a thinker. That's a thinker. And people love your film. Let's start the cult. You know, that's where it all began. You shot that movie, I understand, for under a million dollars,

Starting point is 00:06:53 despite a $900,000 craft service budget. Yes. No, it's about the name of that movie should have been Not let's start the cult. Let's finish those cold cuts. But people love this man. People love you.

Starting point is 00:07:15 Because even though you're still anti-woke, you lean heavily to the left. But then sometimes you also lean to the right. The point is you need to lean on something in order to stand up. for more than a couple of minutes. I know you've been through a lot in your life. I don't want to joke.

Starting point is 00:07:36 You know, not long ago, things looked much darker, and you were kind of falling apart, and all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put you back together again. That's going to bump with the earlier egg joke. I think you've got to confuse with Humpty Dumpty. Well, I'm worried about the earlier egg joke, you know, again. It's going to step on it.

Starting point is 00:07:56 Right, right. So that's again. Up to the editors. Sure. I don't know if you're familiar with the program triumph. We don't do a lot of editing. Oh, my goodness.

Starting point is 00:08:05 I forgot that. For you, we can. No, no, no. I respect your lack of professionalism. No, this is a great man. All kidding aside. The fuck was that. Even trucks fart around this guy.

Starting point is 00:08:21 They want to fit in. No, you're a wonderful man. And, you know, I want to see. you know, we can joke all we want, but this is a truly, this is at heart a very serious and selfless man. I mean, this man helped elect Mandani, Man Dani, just so that he could give New Yorkers free rides on buses, even though he himself can't physically fit in one. And with that, I rest my case. What just happened?

Starting point is 00:08:57 Yeah, your friend came. He was actually pretty rude to me. What an asshole. What's going on with that guy? I'm sorry. You guys go back, huh? Wait, I got a hold of. You need a second.

Starting point is 00:09:07 It's like, Jesus. There we go. Hold on. I put, I make them extra hard just to alpha the guests. Yeah. Oh, fuck. That was. Now I have to chug it down.

Starting point is 00:09:20 Yeah. Further alpha you. Of course. Yeah. You know, it's just one of the gayest waters in existence. Robert, thank you for being here. Get hydrated, baby. Oh, that was...

Starting point is 00:09:36 God, you have an audience. Yeah, we have a stadium. There's 15,000 people watching us out on that side. Thank you for, thanks for being here. Triumph. Holy shit. Mix and nets. What's that about?

Starting point is 00:09:50 I like the logo. It's really pretty logo. It's just the gravity design. Space age, basketball. No, this is the Nets when Jason Kidd. Yes, I remember that team. I love that team. That was a cool team.

Starting point is 00:10:01 I love the Knicks now. Sure, sure, sure. I mean, that's really my team. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Jason Kidd Kidd team was cool. The Jason Kiddles. They had Carrie Kittles, of course. They drafted instead of Kobe Bryant.

Starting point is 00:10:13 Yep, yep. That was a big one. They had Keith Van Horn. Keith Van Horn. The Great White Hope, of course. Richard Jefferson. Young Richard Jefferson. High dunking.

Starting point is 00:10:23 He was awesome. Yeah, yeah. Now he is just an, annoying commentator. Now he looks like a claymation dinosaur in his retirement. He's got that kind of going for him. He's got some teethwise. He's got a little dino teeth. Kerry Kiddles also had sort of a gummy claymation. They were a very claymation type team.

Starting point is 00:10:44 And then Kenyon Martin very not. Oh my God. Yeah, yeah. He was awesome. He was incredible. He was the man. I was there when they were swept by the Lakers. My dad managed to get tickets somehow. Really? For the finals. and it was, yeah, nobody, they were a great team, but they didn't have anybody who could guard shack. I mean, that's what happened. They would get, they would come out of the East,

Starting point is 00:11:04 and then they would just get rolled. Spurs, then the Lakers. Yeah, what are you going to do? So welcome back to the 2000s basketball hour, folks. This is very dangerous because I would talk about this for an hour. I know, I know. I know. Sorry, I saw the Knicks hat. No, we're good.

Starting point is 00:11:20 That's interesting, though, because as a, you, now, wait, you grew, you were born here, but you were born in Manhattan, yeah. You were born in Manhattan, okay, but you did go, I mean, all your, like, I think of you as a Chicago guy comedically. Yes, that's correct. So it's interesting. Yeah. I didn't, I just assumed you were a Chicago guy, but we're talking to you were born. I take that as a compliment.

Starting point is 00:11:40 Yeah. Yeah. So you were born here, and then how long did you? And you probably assumed I wasn't Jewish, which is even more. Strange, even more credulity. Yeah, this is one of those. Just a Chicago. I thought of you as an Irish cop.

Starting point is 00:11:55 son from Chicago. No, I lived in Chicago for a couple of years after college. College was a disaster for me. Oh, really? I was trying to be a dentist. You're trying to be a dentist? Yeah, my father was a really talented dentist. He developed, like, tooth bonding.

Starting point is 00:12:11 Whoa, yeah, yeah. My mom worked at a dental lab. If he saw you right now, he'd be like, I could close that gap. It would take me a half an hour. I love the gap. Of course. They asked to, this is a, don't ever close that. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:12:26 So he invented, too. So you were trying to be a dental nepo baby. I didn't think I could be in common. Who thinks they can actually succeed in this, you know? So you went, but you went fully, you finished college as like a dental student? It took me literally five and a half years and transferring. I started at Cornell because I was a good high school student. But then I, science was the hardest thing for me.

Starting point is 00:12:47 I tried to take pre-dental courses and they're just fucking weed out courses. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They just go extra fast to just separate. Who's two fucking. stupid. That's my favorite when you get to college day one and you meet a bunch of idiots who are like, yeah, I'm pre-med, pre-law. You know what I mean? Pre-led? I'm, I got a Spanish minor. Like, they think they're going to be like the first ever doctor, dentist, lawyer combo. And then they fail out of biology 101, you know, instantly. Yeah. No, I didn't have anywhere near that confidence.

Starting point is 00:13:17 I was just like, I better do this because what else am I going to do? I had no ambition to do anything, but be funny. So you just assume, all right, my dad's a fucking dentist. I'll just be a guy who laughs, who makes, you know, gets fucked up and roasts my friends and be a whole and be sad picking of people's teeth.

Starting point is 00:13:38 Being in a sad existence. Well, bonding's more, tooth bonding, like that side of dentistry is more fun than drilling cavities and shit. Just people were really grateful. Like, hey, you closed the gap. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks, I like you.

Starting point is 00:13:51 So you wanted to be a niche, a niche dentist. You couldn't even see your yourself as like a broad, you can't. No, no, but that's the thing. In college, in pre-dent, you have to go through all that shit. Like, my dad was like, this is such a pain in the ass. I could teach you what I do in a couple of weeks. You don't have to learn any of this shit.

Starting point is 00:14:11 So he looked at it like caulking a leaky faucet. A little bit. He didn't really look at it. It was like an artistic element to it for him. I get that. Yeah. He hated being a dentist until he figured that out. Oh, interesting.

Starting point is 00:14:23 And then he loved it. And I thought, you know, this is a great way to make a living. And then I'll just be funny on the side. Like I was in high school. Right. Oh, you were like a little class crowns? Really? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:14:34 Yeah. Yeah. I drew cartoons and my friends. I imitated everybody. And in a way, like, that's, sometimes I like kind of miss that. Like, just being funny for funny's sake. So it was pure. Yes.

Starting point is 00:14:48 I feel that. I would draw in the margins of my notebooks. I draw cartoons. And there's a part of me that misses. Totally. just totally from inspiration whenever, when you're not supposed to be doing it.

Starting point is 00:14:59 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Instead of commodifying it. Instead of, yeah, part of my job, just calling my best friend an idiot has become part of my job every week. And every time you think of something funny,

Starting point is 00:15:11 it's like, okay, how does that translate into financial reward? Right, right. It's like, you know, you can't just fucking laugh and enjoy it. It's like, wait,

Starting point is 00:15:19 is that something I can do on, you know, Colbert if he ever fucking stays on me? air long enough to acknowledge me. Have you been on any of those late nights? I bet you've been on Fallon. No, I've done, I did Seth Myers, which was so fun. That was a really fun one.

Starting point is 00:15:39 No, I haven't done anything. You don't need those shows anymore. Yeah. The reality is you really don't need it. Like, even that stuff is like for fun. Right. Like, I'm like, I want to do this because I grew up imagining being the guy who does this, but having four good YouTube videos

Starting point is 00:15:56 so much more important than like going on the Tonight Show or some shit like that but I still would love to do it obviously and it's like it's a pain in the net for me because like I did triumph until Conan moved from New York to L.A. And Saturday Night Live too

Starting point is 00:16:15 I did the cartoons there. Dude, TV Funhouse so fucking watch. And if anybody, by the way... And I do want to take a... second and say... Show of hands. Who liked the happiness we gave you? This is very funny. You are literally watching this podcast. You're watching how entertainment has

Starting point is 00:16:31 degraded over time. Because... Yes, this is more popular than real entertainment. For sure. We're aligned here. You will not hurt my feelings. I also know this is a mistake of history. What my life has become is a mistake of history. Because you used to

Starting point is 00:16:47 podcasting as opposed to like, you know, you did the fucking cartoons on TV... Check out TV Funhouse if you haven't. If you haven't. The ambiguously gay duo is... Right. It is so much of like...

Starting point is 00:17:00 I mean, so much of what you did, you can just see in how comedy has gone. Truly. Like, triumph in and of itself. It's like, roasts. Understanding there was something people... You actually had an angle. It was funny.

Starting point is 00:17:13 It was like, it was actually doing like, you know, this character... Why the fuck was a doll? Well, it's funny. You kind of started where the joke was entirely on triumph. Right, right, right. first time I did it, his punchlines, like three out of four punchlines were just for me to poop on. Just the shitty switcheroo of complimenting you and then just saying for me to poop.

Starting point is 00:17:34 Oh, you know what? It does break my heart. I didn't get it for me to poop on. I will admit that. I'll get it back. At the end of the show, it'll happen. Elvis, call Triumphs, people, please. Let's see if we can get him in. I'll see what I could do here. Hard to get a holdup. He's already in a limo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. on his way to, you know, Rumson, New Jersey.

Starting point is 00:17:53 On the way out. Yeah, yeah. A lot of dog piss in this neighborhood. Couldn't wait to get out of here. No, but it was, yeah, the joke was entirely, almost entirely on him. And then it was like, we quickly realized we could bring it back because Conan as a talk show host was unbelievably funny,

Starting point is 00:18:17 but he liked to make fun of himself more than other people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. And, but we would have shitty, not shitty. I don't want to put these people down. I will do it. You do. You were on the late. You're like 12.30.

Starting point is 00:18:29 The second guest, 1230. No, no, the first guest. The first guest. And we would have people like, we would have people like John Tesh on. Right, right, right. Who was like, you know, the audience is dying. Of course. For Conan to make fun of them in some way.

Starting point is 00:18:42 You know, or William Shatner. Right, right. Or Polly Shore. Oh, yeah. You know, we would have people like that. David Hasselhoff. Yes. And triumph became this cathartic outlet for the audience.

Starting point is 00:18:54 Yeah. Like he would interview David Hasselhoff and then he'd say, we've got a very talented. You met him at the Westminster Dog Show and here he is once again. And yeah, and then he would rip the shit out of David Hasseloff and the audience would be finally. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But what's beautiful about it is like it's distilled. It's like you get a nice shot of exactly what you wanted. Bang, bang, bang, bang, machine gun jokes.

Starting point is 00:19:20 It was awesome. I mean, I loved it. And it is, yeah, so much of it is like, so much as roast, what does well as, like, sort of like, roast humor or, you know, really good character-based. I mean, the fucking, the Bears guys. I realize I've been ripping you off by doing a Baltimore version of. Somebody told me that.

Starting point is 00:19:41 You know who told me that? And it didn't bother me, but he said, I don't know if you know this guy. He's the president of the Minnesota Timberwolves. Yes. You know, Tim Conno? I loved him. He loves you. He was the first guy.

Starting point is 00:19:53 Yeah. Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah. And he turned me on to you. He turned me on to you. He said, you got to check this guy out. He's hilarious. And, but yeah.

Starting point is 00:20:04 Basically, I just want to say, thank you, because I'm realizing how much of your shit I've completely ripped off. The ambiguously gay duo is essentially cum town. I mean, I mean, that is the jokes are like, we're gay or are we? You know what I mean? We basically, we got paid a lot more than you did off of that. probably, you know what I'm yeah? Good for you. Good for you.

Starting point is 00:20:23 Of that concept, you know what I mean? And then just, you know, shitting on each other. And then the bear, you know, the superfans sketch. Yeah. I basically just did a Ravens. And obviously I wasn't trying to. It was just, you grow up with these things and you want to make fun of them. But it's just like.

Starting point is 00:20:38 It's universal sports fanaticism and stuff. I mean, that's a much less direct ripoff than like, not to name drop, but I actually got Letterman on my podcast. Wow. And I wanted to ask him this and I was afraid to. I didn't want to get into Jay Leno. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, Letterman did something.

Starting point is 00:20:58 Ask you here, we'll ask him. Well, no, we did something on. I wanted to talk about how different. My friends with Letterman. It was a joke. Letterman would run for the hills if he was within 10 feet of this man. And that's on Letterman because he's missing out. I'm not saying that Letterman is right.

Starting point is 00:21:20 To be thoroughly repulsed by the concept of this man, much less his physical presence. I'm just saying this is what he would do. Yes, yes, yes. That's why I'm here to just talk about him. Of course. Because he's never going to talk about it. No, no, no.

Starting point is 00:21:37 Unless he does like five Apatow movies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a couple more Oscar-nominated movies away from being able to do season four or five of, you know, my next guest needs no introduction. which they had a couple stand-ups for a while and then he was like, all right, let's get the fucking energy. Yeah, no, he's really...

Starting point is 00:21:56 Now it's the next level. The highest tier. So you're, you've got them on the... And what's the pod called? Oh, it's called... Humor me. Humor me. Humor me. And I'm not the type of person.

Starting point is 00:22:04 Thank you. Yeah, they've already know about it. Something I've heard about, that's great. No, I'll talk about that in a minute because it isn't really like a conversation. It's more like a stunt show. But Letterman, I wanted to ask him about... I was telling him about how everything

Starting point is 00:22:19 that he had done on the late night show, I would not let Conan do when we took over that show. To the point where I wouldn't even let him do fucking remotes. Right. Conan's the best ever. And I'm like, no. Anyone who's copied,

Starting point is 00:22:36 I've seen people try to copy Dave and do that and they look terrible. Dennis Miller did it. Pat Sejack did it. And I'm like, if Sejack couldn't pull it off, how dare you think you... What the fuck was I think? Vietnam veteran Pat

Starting point is 00:22:49 Seajak couldn't do it. You can't Harvard, boy? I don't think so. No, but I, I, the very first bit we did was like the reverse of a Letterman bit. Louis C.K. came up with it. It was called actual items. And it was like Letterman did Small Town News where you just hold up. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Oh, you're right. Lino did. And then Lennon stole it from him. Yeah. And I wanted to ask Letterman about that. He did just straight up, rip that off.

Starting point is 00:23:15 Yeah. And then if you ask him about it, it's like, want Dave invented headlines for all of a fun? Dave invented the new? It's like kind of. In this context, yes. What else can we joke about? The polio vaccine? Did Dave invent the polio vaccine? That's like, no, it was such a blatant ripoff.

Starting point is 00:23:35 Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I wanted to ask him about it, but I didn't have the balls. Well, hey, you told me about wanting to ask about it. Yeah, and I think that was like 6% as entertaining as if I had done it with Letterman. Six is high. Fair enough, fair enough. But I like it. I'll bring back triumph whenever you requested.

Starting point is 00:23:54 No, no, no. Wait, what was actual items? And it was just because I remember this bit. Louis came up with it. And it was basically like, would you believe you can't make this up, folks? And then it was totally made up. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. Look at this headline.

Starting point is 00:24:10 I mean, look at this ad for water beds. And then look over here, though, in the corner. Right, right. And I actually remember this now. You know, and I don't remember what the joke, but it would have been something like, look it over here in the courtroom. Hitler would have never...

Starting point is 00:24:26 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just some random thing about it. Just complete absurdism. Not approved by Adolf Hitler or something. Like, why? Why would they put that in? We don't need to know that. That's an assumption.

Starting point is 00:24:36 Well, who knows? Maybe the remotes... I know what you mean about, you know, it's... When you're starting a show, you want to be fanatical about what the tone is? What it did was it forced us to... put our own stamp on that time slot.

Starting point is 00:24:48 And we did. You definitely, the characters, the, like, absurdist stuff. I mean, masturbating bear. Yeah, yeah. We're just interviewing celebrities by doing their photograph and cutting out the mouth. Yeah. Like, that's, and triumph actually came out of that because Letterman had been doing Westminster dogs, like running up and down the aisles, like real Westminster dogs.

Starting point is 00:25:09 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Behaving like crazy dogs. And it was funny. Yeah. But my wife had just given me a bunch of, of dog puppets because we were newlyweds and we were at a we were at a furniture store that had a rack of these yeah and other animal puppets and i they were so realistic looking like triumphed face and um and i just grabbed one put it on my uh hand and immediately sniffed her ass with her in the

Starting point is 00:25:36 middle of the store you know and she thought it was funny because you know this is the perfect woman for me right right right and then she surprised me with like seven of them and then like two weeks later i I'm watching this Letterman, Westminster bit, and Westminster really was coming to town. Oh, wow. And that's what made me think of that whole bit. And then I didn't do Triumph to like four months, four years later. Fuck yeah, dude.

Starting point is 00:25:56 Yeah, yeah. That's crazy. Yeah, we had other Westminster talents like a dog, you know, two dogs did dueling banjos. Another dog lit his own farts and another dog, this was my favorite. Another dog was like an impersonator. And so, you know how Triumph had a fake paw?

Starting point is 00:26:14 Like, so we would give this dog. the fake paw and he would put his head, he was put his paw on his forehead, like Jack Nicholson, hacky impersonate, he'd be like, I am Jack Nicholson. You know,

Starting point is 00:26:27 just the hackiest. Maybe Schwarzenegger in there, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But the whole, every Jack Nicholson impersonator put their hand, you know,

Starting point is 00:26:35 they would kind of get the balding. Yes, exactly. Because it was kind of like a, yeah, I'm Jack Nicholson. You show the ball, you make yourself look widows peaked.

Starting point is 00:26:44 Yeah, of course. You don't have to take a, a lot of work to do that. No, we're headed up. Exactly. Exactly. Were you a hat guy instantly when you started going? How quickly did you go to hats? Fast?

Starting point is 00:26:56 And what age? Were you in dental school? Or you when it went? No, it went fast for me. I had a jufro, pretty healthy jufro, until I was in my mid-30s. Oh, that's not bad. And then I still, like, didn't quite realize how gross I was getting, you know. Of course. And then by the time I was-

Starting point is 00:27:14 What? writers room? Exactly. The grooming standards weren't high in the early 2000s Conan Writers' room. It was like a seven in that room. It's like when they talk about a Midwestern 10, you know? The Conan Writers' Riders room adds like six digits. Yeah, that was, I mean, I can imagine.

Starting point is 00:27:37 I mean, that is a, that's a fucking, you do have like, you like a legendary run of, you know, even when you're going to Chicago to start. You were like in an improv group with Odenkirk, right? Not quite on. Not quite. What was it? I met early on, but he was doing his own thing. Okay.

Starting point is 00:27:54 But you're playing at the player? Yeah, tell me. I went to this place called Players Workshop, which is also where Bob had started. And it was nice. It wasn't like Second City where it's like, okay, you're going to learn how to like, you know, F. Scott Fitzgerald. Right. Improv people love to pretend what they're doing isn't bullshit.

Starting point is 00:28:12 Improv people love to pretend what they're doing isn't bullshit. They love to put like real rules The second city I did like a UCB class And it's like And the Harold and all that It's just fucking There's the 10,000 yards stare

Starting point is 00:28:25 About improv Yeah Yeah Sometimes when you get the Harold going And you're just like You're just out of body It's out of body man Yeah yeah

Starting point is 00:28:35 No I could never do that I could never improv like that And I also felt I would watch it Even even the corny stuff Like where it's a game like Okay You're in a proctologist's office

Starting point is 00:28:45 and it's 1929 and F. Scott you know, you're right, it's a Shakespeare theme and whatever, those kind of games. And that's the shit they were doing it second season. That was the early shit. And then they got into the more sophisticated stuff you're talking, the Dell Close stuff. So what was the players thing like? I would watch this and I'd be like

Starting point is 00:29:03 this is, I want to do stuff that's funny because it's funny, not because it's off the top of my head. Right. You know? It's like this is, like if that was a sketch, I don't think I'd find it as funny. I'm just like, it's like a magic trick. Right. I want to, so I thought improv

Starting point is 00:29:20 was a very useful tool. Yeah. And that's how I started using it. At Second City, what they did that was really interesting, they would do their Second City show and then they'd have a set afterward that kids could go, you could go for free.

Starting point is 00:29:35 You didn't have to pay for the show. They would let you sit in the back or stand in the back and watch great improv performers. And they weren't doing the game shit. They were working out sketches. They would pretend they would say they would take suggestions from the audience and shit and then they would

Starting point is 00:29:50 tailor it to a sketch they were busy working on. Based on your suggestion of Nixon here's a restaurant in Washington, D.C. or whatever. But you could see and they're really talented, amazing people like the most famous that I got to watch

Starting point is 00:30:09 work was the guy who ended up being a Dan Castellanetta. Homer Simpson's voice. He was there. And a lot of amazing. Mike Haggerty, you may be familiar with him. He was in a lot of John Hughes movies. These guys were so funny, and it was really inspiring to see them

Starting point is 00:30:25 just work out sketches in front of an audience. So it's like you have a premise, but you're improvising off the premise. That was always the interesting thing about Second City because, like you, I kind of feel the game stuff is not that useful, but I liked how they would kind of almost like Stan. up, they'd have a sketch and they'd just work on it in front of different audiences to get it to feel right.

Starting point is 00:30:49 Yes. And the best ones were the type of sketches that you didn't see much on SNL because a lot of times when we were on SNL we would write like one joke premises where it just builds and builds. Right. Because you don't have time to like work on it and give it real texture like these guys did or the kids in the hall were like that too. They always worked on their stuff and there were so many jokes beyond the premise and that was really cool. Yeah. Yeah. I had it I can, so what was the, because I've, the, the group you were doing in Chicago, what was their sort of philosophy? What kind of, was it just, I wouldn't give us the credit for having a philosophy.

Starting point is 00:31:25 It was just guys, you know, just, you know, just guys who, uh, and girls who would watch these guys. And we'd just come up with our own premises and, and work on them and, um, develop them. And I was a little more of a TV guy. I had more TV parodies than Second City usually did. just because I was a TV nerd. But it actually ended up lending itself to writing for SNL. So I got SNL because a guy in my comedy group got into a movie

Starting point is 00:31:57 that Al Franken and his partner, Tom Davis, back then, were starring in. And it was shot in Chicago. And so they came to see our show. Wow. And they really liked it. And Franken was like, you're like, you're like, you're remind you. me of a mixture of Harold Ramis and Albert Brooks

Starting point is 00:32:18 and I was like, so I'm Jewish you know, you get it. Yeah. Yeah, that's it. No, but he was great and they took us out for beers and that was it. We thought that was the end of it. We felt like some validation. Of course. They liked it. But then like three weeks later

Starting point is 00:32:34 like Saturday Night Live had this gigantic turnover where Warren Michaels came back. Oh, that was that timing? It was that summer. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, it was the same. People did, like, he did this insane, or he left. And they did, they put a bookcast, which, when you look at the people, the talent was incredible. The eye for talent was absolutely correct.

Starting point is 00:32:55 Because it was like, yeah, like you said, Cusack, Quaid. Robert Downey Jr. Fucking. Michael Hall, who was fucking hilarious in all those John. Yeah. Julia Louis-Jifis. Well, then, no, that was later. That was previous.

Starting point is 00:33:10 Oh, that was. Yeah, that was. Yeah, that was. Yeah, it's okay. But that, but that crew, I remember seeing that. the crew that failed or whatever. Yeah. And I was like, all those people are-

Starting point is 00:33:17 They became superstars in different ways. Whoever had an eye? Who ever, like, casted that was right. The rest of the infrastructure is completely fucked up. You know, they just weren't necessarily sketch performers. Uh-huh, yeah.

Starting point is 00:33:29 I mean, Joan Cusack's still one of the funniest people I've ever met. So funny. And she, school of rock. One of the funniest performances I've ever seen. And then making her horny for the bass player at the end. Yeah. And it clicks. It's like, of course, that character's,

Starting point is 00:33:43 so repressed and this is exactly her guy. You know what I mean? She's like boiling over that whole fucking movie. That whole scene where she's talking about Stevie Nix and how, you know, I'm fun. Yeah. Just trying to convince Jack Black that she's. Totally. Anybody who can turn Jack Black into a straight man has got skills.

Starting point is 00:34:05 Totally. Totally. An energy you don't see when someone is completely singular. And you're like, fuck. People have gotten close to that, but they've not exactly. nailed it that way. You know who reminds me of her a little bit and who just made Jack Black a street man? Do you watch SNL?

Starting point is 00:34:20 Yeah, I watch it. Oh, S&L. Well, Ashley Padilla, have you heard of this? She's really funny, yeah. I don't, I mean, I have some friends on it, and I don't watch it as much. And I didn't know, and so, usually I'm kind of aware of people who come. I'm like, oh, fuck, fuck yeah. You know, whatever. Marcello got it. Sarah. Sarah. Serrava is a big, she's been on the show a hundred times. She's one of my, you know, a good friend of mine.

Starting point is 00:34:41 but I didn't really know Ashley and yes she has that kind of like exactly that right a little QSEC that she's got that Midwestern and she can tap into that mania and she doesn't mug doesn't mug

Starting point is 00:34:55 just plays weird people yeah it's understated but a crazy person on some level like just like 10 degrees crazy totally totally incredibly original well I mean my favorite yeah I mean the guys who really fucking turn it up it's like Connor O'Malley Tim

Starting point is 00:35:10 they like they they they they they Tim Robinson. Tim Robinson is so funny. My kids, I have like, they were like 12 years old when that show came on the air. And they never had any interest in SNL. Like I would occasionally, they knew

Starting point is 00:35:23 what I did and they wanted to see some of the stuff I did, but they never wanted to watch the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Tim Robinson's show, they watched every episode, every season. They fucking loved it. That's fascinating. Yeah, they got it. Because it was more human comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:35:39 That just connected with them. There is like a base, sort of like primal element to like Tim Robinson and Connor, too, where it's like, some of it is guttural screaming. Right. It's just like literal, guttural. And it fucking, they found the context to make it work. But yes, Ashley, I don't know her, but she's so, so fucking funny. And yeah, they have some good. There is some talent.

Starting point is 00:36:02 It seems like a nightmare job, though. Seems like, I mean, I know. It was scary as hell. especially my first year. Especially because now, so the context of you coming on the show is they had this huge turnover. I would never have gotten hired

Starting point is 00:36:20 if they had. Wow. Holy shit. Because I was like, they turned the entire staff over. And this is what? What was the year? 1985, years ago. Hell yeah.

Starting point is 00:36:29 And they turned the entire staff over. And then I actually, back then the Writers Guild would let you hire people at below scale. No, seriously. The fucking, our own fucking guild. The, you know, it was a good thing. Oh, it's a good thing. Being on the production side as I was later in life.

Starting point is 00:36:49 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like you have a budget. Yeah. And there's nothing you can do. This is your writing budget. And what they were trying to do. The huge conglomerate that gives you the budget could give you a little more money. They could.

Starting point is 00:37:00 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know you mean. Yeah. Back then I was like, what the fuck's with NBC? And then I realized, no, this is the budget. Lorne has and he's making the decisions because he's got to with the money he has. But me and two guys from kids in the hall,

Starting point is 00:37:16 Bruce McCullough and Mark McKinney, were all paid like two-thirds of scale. Yeah. And it's like, otherwise one of us wouldn't have made it. Yeah, yeah. You know? If you give that person the option,

Starting point is 00:37:29 all three of you are saying, yeah, yeah, fucking pay me nothing. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not like they were going to do it in perpetuity. Right, right, right. I didn't, it didn't happen my second year,

Starting point is 00:37:37 but. but I wouldn't have gotten the one of us wouldn't have gotten the opportunity. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, and I think there's a logic to that if people are just starting out. Yeah. You know?

Starting point is 00:37:48 For sure. As long as you can't do it. But you said the key word, perpetuity. Because what will happen now is they'll be like, oh, well, I mean, we signed you onto that. And then year three, they'd be like, so you're good with that number minus 5%. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:38:00 Well, now they just like bring a young writer in. Yeah. Okay, so we're going to scan your brain. Yeah. You know. To scan your brain. to pay you scale to scan your brain. And every time you think, we get a little notification.

Starting point is 00:38:13 Every time you think from here on in, even after you've left the show, we own it. And that's okay, you know. Oh, yeah. We have a year option. We have a year option. I'm down. I'm down. And my name's on the show.

Starting point is 00:38:24 Yeah, for a week. Yeah. Yeah. But you can always say, you know, you've got that screen cap. That's right. We'll get you a key chain. We'll get you a picture on the stage. That's all you need.

Starting point is 00:38:34 Yeah. And, you know, in your obituary, 70 years from You know, so-and-so, former S&L writer, died penniless. Obviously, there's no pension. I mean, you know that. No, of course not. But that must, I mean, so this is so, I mean,

Starting point is 00:38:51 it's nerve-wracking to get that show as an accomplished comedy, performer, writer, whatever. But you're talking about, you're fucking four years out of fucking... Not only that, but I was like, I grew up with that show. And I think I was really the first fan boy, like, SNL fan boy. 85, yeah. Yeah, so when I was a teenager, we would stop our high school parties to watch Saturday Night Live. You know, and I just remember like...

Starting point is 00:39:16 Must have been a lot of pussy getting got at those parties. Believe me. You're like, what's pussy? Andy Kaufman's on. Are you... You want me to care about a vagina? Look at him. He's the foreign man.

Starting point is 00:39:32 He's so funny. He's fucking got his hair combed weird. You want me to think about pits? He's talking with a funny accent. That's all I needed at that age. I mean, I went to like the nerdiest school too. Like just mostly Jewish kids on the Upper West Side. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:39:51 But yeah, every party would be stopped. Yeah. For SNL. So when I got there, so you were fun. Not only was I like nerdy about Lorne Michaels and writers, I fucking knew people on the credits. Like, you know, there's like this woman. Audrey Pert Dickman that I would always see every week.

Starting point is 00:40:10 And I'm like, yes, I know you. You're the production coordinator and like a fucking set designer. Because there'd be like Rolling Stone articles that I would memorize. It's like, yes, Akira Yoshimura, you do the sets, but you were also spectacular as Sulu in Michael O'Donnie Hughes' legendary Star Trek NBC sketch. So are you happy that you weren't born? You're lucky you weren't born with the internet. because you might just be a Reddit guy that never leaves his house.

Starting point is 00:40:38 You might be running the SNL message board instead of actually being on the show. It's a miracle. I got hired because I know a lot of funny people. A lot of funny people that never did anything. Yeah, totally. And so I'll never take it for granted, you know. And I guess I just, the only person that, and I was so in awe of the place that I wouldn't, like a lot of people get there and they're like, I'm going to get you in.

Starting point is 00:41:03 I'm going to get you in. I couldn't do that, even with my, for people that I love. Yeah. The only person that I ever recommended was Bob Odenkirk. Yeah. I got him in because he was the funniest person in Chicago. Yeah, yeah. We all agreed.

Starting point is 00:41:17 Totally. That he was just mind-bogglingly ahead of everybody, in my opinion. Yeah, yeah. I had a better career at SNL than he did, but yeah. He was, he was a fully formed comedian. Totally, totally. You know, I was like, like you say, I was out of dental school, just figuring it out. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:41:34 Happy to be there. Not dental school out of pre-dental. Yeah. Couldn't even get the dental. Yeah, I was just trying to figure out how to write comedy. And Bob was just way more advanced. And that's probably why he didn't succeed at S&L more because he didn't care. I could see that.

Starting point is 00:41:50 When you have your own voice. He wasn't in a law of the place. Of course. And like I was. He's just trying to score. He's trying to push and buckets. And he inspired me in a way because I think I got more free with my comedy writing. And I was more confident having been there a couple of years.

Starting point is 00:42:04 and I had a lot of success. And then, but I started writing sillier stuff because I saw Bob and then Conan got on the show. And he also, he really wanted to succeed, but he inherently had less, he was less in all of the place as well.

Starting point is 00:42:21 You know, he was like a more of a Monty Python guy. Or CCTV guy. Oh, wow. He loved SCT. But I was like a kid from Manhattan and to us, Saturday Night Live being the coolest show on TV

Starting point is 00:42:33 and have being a New York show. Yeah. It just meant everything to me. Johnny Carson had left the Tonight Show to move. I'm getting really nerdy for people who are like, weren't, uh, didn't, if you didn't serve in the Vietnam War, I apologize for all the references. But there was no marquee show on, in New York anymore, is what you're saying.

Starting point is 00:42:56 No. That it was like, SNL was all we had. And New York was like a shithole. Right, right, right. Like, I loved it. Totally, totally. Like, totally. movies are The Wizard of Oz and taxi driver.

Starting point is 00:43:06 Yeah. Taxi driver. Similar themes. Somehow. Yeah. But I just love the way New York was shot. It was so grimy and but real. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:43:17 You know? And so I loved, I thought I was the coolest kid living there. Totally, dude. But I really went SNL, like had that opening montage celebrating New York City. Yeah. It just meant everything to me. Totally. I mean, I get that.

Starting point is 00:43:32 When I, growing up, I was. a comedy nerd. Yeah, sure. New York, the first times I visit, it feels like fake. You're like, I'm really here? I met the famed comic strip. You know what I mean? Like, I got

Starting point is 00:43:45 barked into the, I get barked when I'm 14, I got barked into a 5 p.m. at the comic strip. And I'm like, wow. I didn't know they had 5 p.m. At that era, they did. And what here is this? The 90s? This is no, 2000. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is probably 2000.

Starting point is 00:44:01 Who went at 5 o'clock? moron children who don't understand younger morons yeah yeah it was like me and like you know it's exactly what you think getting barked into it it was probably a 6 p.m. at the comic ship

Starting point is 00:44:15 it was me and five people and you know and it's one of those things where you've done a horrible show where you're like who are these fucking idiot tourists they barked into this I give you credit man for having the resilience to stick with it because I couldn't I tried stand up

Starting point is 00:44:30 really I well like What changed my life, really, when I was a struggling whatever pre-dental idiot, I was, I had already transferred to NYU. I didn't live on campus because my parents lived in Manhattan. And back then, NYU hadn't bought the entire village. NYU was a piece of shit back then, right? No, just a story. That's how I got in, yeah. No, I mean, it was not, it was not what it is now.

Starting point is 00:44:53 It's just very funny because, you know, you read about NYU. And it's this, you see a mark shift where it's like a lot of your heroes went when it's sucked. And then there's like a general. Yeah, yeah. And then like for me, when I moved here, the kids that went to NYU were like some of the most high achieving. Yes.

Starting point is 00:45:12 It was like. It was much harder to get into now. It was basically, it was almost like entertainment industry Ivy League, basically. Because it's like that and maybe USC or, you know, whatever. Yeah. That's a great school. But like NYU, like now it's fucking, those kids go in there. And I mean, like, half the, even the kids from like on SNL right now,

Starting point is 00:45:31 they're like, please don't destroy kids. Oh, they're. You know, they were NYU, and they had a bunch of fucking all the, there were so many people that came out of there. Oh, and there's so much more comedy going on now. Oh, yeah. There's, like, improv groups, many improv groups that are happening in the school. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:45:45 But yeah, so I just wanted to, because there is a, because the NYU we know now, it's like New York in the fucking 70s, 80s was not, you know. No, no. So you're living at home. I'm living at home because they wouldn't let me live in a dorm. So I don't know. I know the kids in my classes, but, and I'm struggling, like I said. It's funny because you grew up there too

Starting point is 00:46:05 So you should have a social Circle but they all left for college Yeah, I went to college Yeah So they have I find out they're throwing a stand-up contest Oh nice And I'm like

Starting point is 00:46:16 And I'd always seen you know Should I ever try stand up on a Monday night A catcher And comic strip And I was like What if somebody I know sees me At NYU I was like No one's gonna know me

Starting point is 00:46:28 If I eat it It took being so socially depleted that bombing could have no negative impact. So I wrote an act. I just wrote an act over like a week. And I just did it. And I tied. I was like one of three winners.

Starting point is 00:46:46 Yeah. And where was this? It changed. It was at the like the student center. Cool. So big room and they, you know. Wow. That was the first time you ever did anything comedic?

Starting point is 00:46:56 I never performed. No, I'd done. I've been funny in front of my kids. I mean, my friends. my friends and I was like in the lead in the school play or that kind of stuff. You act, you did you did. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:47:07 I loved. I was in summer camp. Yeah. Jewish summer camp. I would do funny things. But never in front of strangers. Right, right, right. Never made strangers laugh in my life.

Starting point is 00:47:18 And that made you think like, all right, I can fucking do this. I was like, what the fuck? Yeah. Yeah. It's possible. And then I never left my brain after that. Maybe I could do something, you know, And then it was really, I still finished pre-dental because I was like, now it was like damage control.

Starting point is 00:47:37 Of course. What am I going to get out of college? So I still finished it. But so I, I, that contest led to another college, like the winners, we got to compete against other colleges at the comic strip. Oh, sick. I got a normal hour. Yeah, yeah. And I did a similar act, but I modified it.

Starting point is 00:47:58 I had a lot of NYU humor in the series. like this is my campus yeah try showing your idea at the you know webster hall and getting it whatever those kind of jokes of course but i also uh so then i went to the comic strip and i added this bit about Reagan trying to keep his dick down while fucking nancy good stuff and it was like and he's like fucking er and he's like you know instead of a baseball or whatever he's like social program Children eating vegetables Giving the poor a fair shake Yeah, all that kind of shit

Starting point is 00:48:39 Treating AIDS Yeah, exactly It was all that kind of stuff Yeah So that was my closer at it murdered And as it should have And then I can't remember what What ended up making him come spontaneously

Starting point is 00:48:54 He slipped into something that I don't know if it led to Jody Foster or something. I don't know. And then, but then, so I won that contest. Wow.

Starting point is 00:49:07 And then I got a spot. Wow. The comic strip. Yeah. And then I did the spot. And they gave me a 9.30 spot on a Thursday. And I did okay. Not a bad spot.

Starting point is 00:49:17 I did okay. And then the manager, you know, gives me, you know, your materials top notch. You just got to get used to like, you know, hey, folks, how you doing? You know, be a regular person, you know. And I'm like, okay. regular person.

Starting point is 00:49:31 Little did that guy know who was about to take over stand-up comedy. Little did they know in the 70s, it would be nothing but dorks who can't make eye contact during stand-up comedy for the next 40 years. This was like 1982. Even late, they had no idea. Yeah. At post-fucking sport coat, it was hoodies and no eye contact. But my heroes were not, you know, regular stand-ups.

Starting point is 00:49:54 My heroes were like Steve Martin, Andy Kaufman. Right, right, right, right. And so, like, I would start the act. fucking dressed up as an orthodox you know synagogue patron I literally went to Coney Island I went to Coney Island

Starting point is 00:50:11 because you couldn't get cotton candy anywhere else back then now you can order it on Amazon back then I like took a fucking subway all the way to Coney Island and got like tons of cotton candy and went on stage

Starting point is 00:50:25 with a fucking cotton candy beard incredible and I just did this Andy Kaufman thing to start the show where I just be like the old men in my synagogue just pull out a prayer book and like no, didn't give a fuck about the audience just started

Starting point is 00:50:40 turning page with his finger and then I would do it as long as I could until they started laughing and then I would keep going until they started to stop laughing and then I started eating a piece of my beard and then that would get laughs I can't remember how I segues out of it, but then I did a lot of conventional stand-up after that.

Starting point is 00:51:03 That's beautiful, though. From an artistry standpoint, the fact that you had to, that bit cost you six hours of your day, probably. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? It's like, Oh, that's nothing.

Starting point is 00:51:14 I'll take six hours. Just the other day, Letterman was my guest. Yeah. And I wanted to, it was the day after his birthday or a couple of days after his birthday. So I wanted to give him something as a present.

Starting point is 00:51:25 So I don't know, again, the people who served in, you know, Iraq. Yeah. He would, like, have a bit where he would talk to the audience. And after the audience would do some testimonial about a brush with a celebrity called Brush with Greatness, he would like, we have a gift for you. It's the late night ham. Yes, of course. So I had, I got a, you know, we had stickers with the name of my show, humor me.

Starting point is 00:51:53 So we gave him a ham with late night. But then I also had seen an episode where, you know, we had seen an episode where, you know, you know, I got a, you know, we had, you know, we had seen an episode where, you know, he's like and here's a special gift for you. Stationary from the office of Tom Brokaw. It's like shitty NBC stationary. So I was like, oh, that's too funny. Yeah. So I literally like, how do you get stationary?

Starting point is 00:52:13 I went to Walgreens. I couldn't find stationary. I just wanted plain fucking stationary. I finally went to that store, Michael's. Yeah, yeah, the art supplies. Sure. And like I got a box of like, you know, plain stationary

Starting point is 00:52:28 with just and envelopes and then I came to, went to my house and I like matched the font from the desk of I made it Lester Holt. That's just a name that I knew would make him laugh. Yep, that's a good one. And I figured out how to and then I'm like,

Starting point is 00:52:45 God damn it, how do I load these? This is an 8 by 10. You're type setting. I'm type setting. I'm doing this and like I'm putting it in the fucking printer and it's saying it doesn't match the size. And I literally He took hours and hours to give him this stationary. For the last bit.

Starting point is 00:53:01 This is 40 years later and I'm still. I love it, though. Like to get it right. Yeah, you got to get it. I don't give a shit. I'll do whatever it takes. And there's something about the effort. Put it.

Starting point is 00:53:11 There's a metaphysical. You gain something from the more of your soul that's in the bit. I really believe that. If somebody handed you that, if somebody handed you that, you wouldn't be saying it with the same verb. It's true. You wouldn't be like, this is my moment. You wouldn't have to connect. It meant more to me that he liked it because of all the work.

Starting point is 00:53:32 Of course. On the other hand, I'm like a father. I have children in my house. You have someone who could do it. Daddy, I need help with my homework. God damn it. Letterman must be pleased. I need to see a wry smile or you're fucking dead.

Starting point is 00:53:49 You hear me, kid? If Letterman doesn't give me a wry smile, you're sleeping on the fucking streets. I'm sorry you got to see plus. but wait till I show you a copy of Letterman's Rye smile. You put that on the fridge. You take down your kid's A-plus. You put a fucking Letterman smiling at your Lester Holt. I just covered the C-plus with a smile.

Starting point is 00:54:12 That's fucking great. Was there a moment? You talk about how intimidating and stuff as getting at SNL. What's the moment, not the first thing you got on, but what's the first thing that you were like, this is me? You know what I mean? Where you're like, I'm in my element.

Starting point is 00:54:25 I mean, tell me the first thing you got on that you're, I'm sure you were pleased with that too. But I mean, like, was there a moment where you're like, oh, yeah, this is a type of shit. I finally cracked doing my thing because... You know what? I don't know if I ever had a thing. I think one of the reasons I was successful there

Starting point is 00:54:39 was because I was versatile in terms of, like, what made me laugh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, like, I've done everything from incredibly broad comedy with triumph to really subtle stuff in some of the movies. I've written for. It was really hard to get subtle stuff on SNL, though. Yeah, I could see that.

Starting point is 00:55:01 Like, there's a sketch. I would say the sketch that was the most me that I submitted didn't get on. And it was like something that Jim Downey loved. Huge fan. He's the man. Yeah, one of the great writers in the history of the show. And he was the head writer that first year. And from a number of years after that.

Starting point is 00:55:20 And the Billy Madison speech he gives. Oh, yeah. When we were kids, I mean, I had, I probably still, if you gave me like, eight minutes could come up with it from memory. I had no idea. Like that's what I'm, that style of humor just pervade. It was so fun to see this.

Starting point is 00:55:34 Totally written by him. But anyway, so you're, he's a performer. Like, he wasn't even performer, but he has like three popular memes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that one and the Jeffrey Epstein thing. The Jeffrey Epstein thing went crazy.

Starting point is 00:55:46 It's fucking insane. He's so fucking funny. Yeah, but I submitted this sketch called It's a Wild, Wild, Wild, Wild Kingdom. And the joke was that it was there were a lot of hidden camera shows. The original was called Candid Camera, but there were other ones,

Starting point is 00:56:03 practical jokes on people. And so I wanted to do a show where they played practical jokes on animals. And so it was called it to Wild Wild Wild Wild Wild Wild Wild Wild Wild Kingdom. And it was jokes like, you know, we would have a goat, we would shoot a goat from a surveillance kind of camera. And it would be next to a mailbox.

Starting point is 00:56:24 And that was like an old statured. of like these shows. Yes. Get a load of the goat's reaction to the moving mailbox. What's he, what's going on with that mailbox? Look at the goat's face.

Starting point is 00:56:38 And it would just build to like, we told this turtle that it was going to meet Bert Reynolds. Watch his face when he realizes that it's a Bert Reynolds impersonator. And there's just a snap zoom on a turtle.

Starting point is 00:56:56 You know, and Downey loved this pit so much that I submitted it like twice. And Lauren Michael's right, what the fuck is you doing? And Lauren Michael said something really profound, like my second week there. He said, if you make the cast look good, you'll look good. Because he was already worried about that cast. Right, right, right. Right. Somebody's got to help Anthony Michael Hall. Right, right, right, right.

Starting point is 00:57:19 And, but it was really smart advice to be an S&L, right? because S&L really is about letting the performers shine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's how, you know, I figured out how to work there for the most part. Like I said, like the first few years, it was really just trying to come up with the smartest ways to do stuff that'll make the performers look good. Yeah. Well, they put you on camera a little bit too, though. You got to be on there, you know?

Starting point is 00:57:47 Yeah, I mean, actually, the very first week, I was a backup singer to Madonna. Madonna was the first guest. That's crazy. She's the biggest star we ever had on the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is like peak material girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Holy shit.

Starting point is 00:58:02 She was the host, and I wrote a sketch where... And I got on. I got a sketch on my very first week. It was a Spanish. It was like a sabido gigante. Yeah, yeah. Sabado gigante. I just thought of...

Starting point is 00:58:16 This was before La Aila Bonita, but I just looked at her, and I just thought she'd be a great. Her face is just perfect. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To play. a Spanish variety show hostess. So I wrote this sketch with the two

Starting point is 00:58:30 Canadian guys, the kids in the hall guys. Yeah, yeah, wow. And I wrote a mashup. The beginning of it was a mashup of Take On Me, the aha song, and La Bamba. And somehow I created this mashup which did it with a Spanish beat.

Starting point is 00:58:47 And Damon Wayans, John Lovitz, and they needed a third backup singer, so it was me. I'm just, it's just so fucking surreal that I'm just living in a cot in Chicago two weeks earlier. Yeah, I shared an apartment with two other guys and we'd alternate.

Starting point is 00:59:04 One of us has to live in the living room and sleep there on a couch. Of course, wow. And then like three weeks later, whatever, I'm Madonna's backup singer. That's fucking wild, man. Well, what about, okay, so what about Conan? Was there like a thing?

Starting point is 00:59:18 I mean, at that point, you were, you already were so locked in with Conan. where I mean just like the actual When we started that show The actual shows the actual bits was there like I mean obviously triumphed that was That was yeah but that was years later That was much yeah yeah Like I said with Conan it was all about like

Starting point is 00:59:34 Coming up with shit By not doing what Dave did Yeah yeah And like that was even going back to before Conan got the gig I was like dreaming of like What would it be like Because Letterman was we knew Letterman was leaving And the first person they asked was Dana Carvey

Starting point is 00:59:50 and so immediately I was like, we could do sketches. Nobody's ever done that. Like a sketch kind of format where you play characters. And, you know, Steve Allen had done a little of that. This guy, Steve Allen from like 1965, before I was born. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I just knew about him. But when Conan got it, that's what led to like, yeah, we can do a lot of performance-oriented stuff.

Starting point is 01:00:18 Yeah. And the philosophy was we're going to make shit up. Letterman did found humor with stage hands and people on the street. We're going to make shit up. Yeah. And so that's what we did. And we, like, I had so much confidence back then. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:00:35 Because I was coming off like eight years of S&L. Totally. Bangor sketch after bangers sketch. And I was really cocky. And, you know, it was a little stressful because Lauren had, was the brilliant minds who realize that Conan might be able to do this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Conan and I...

Starting point is 01:00:53 Especially when you see the first year of doughy-ass Conan. You know what I mean? He kind of looks kind of chubby, too. He looks like a little kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's just how his face is... He's obviously not a fat guy ever, but he just looks young. Yeah, he's so nervous. Yeah, and he's setting up bits for like 10 minutes.

Starting point is 01:01:11 Yeah, yeah. So we thought what would be the best thing to do, you know? Yeah. And no, he was scared. But before the show started, he was just this guy who made us all laugh in the, in the office. And I was like, he's going to be fucking so fucking big from the start

Starting point is 01:01:31 between these bits that we're coming up with and him. And Lauren would say, do you think what if he does it? Yeah, we got it. We really were like that. It was like, really? Does he have to? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:01:44 This is my time, man. Because it was like, for us, it was like, this is going to be our playground where we can do all the silliest shit that we wouldn't dream of doing on Saturday Night Live. Yeah, yeah. You know? And you got to fucking do it. No. And now you're in the mud.

Starting point is 01:02:01 You're in here in the podcast space. And you got your own podcast. Tell people about it. Oh, yeah. Because you are here in the slop with the piggies now. No, I know. You used to be TV film, legendary bit after legendary bit. Of course, let's not.

Starting point is 01:02:16 forget, your star turn is the chemistry teacher in Billy Madison. I've already, I just talked about, you know, Downey's performance. I've got to be in a lot of Sandler's. More like Boroughville. Come on. It was fun. The guy who got thrown through the door. Of course.

Starting point is 01:02:32 In Happy Gilmore. Of course. Yeah. And a wedding singer, you know. A lot of people only know me from these like five 30 second cameos. It really is the iceberg thing where it's like people might know you from, you know, this camera, like, oh, that's a guy who I get, I guess that's a struggling actor who could only book these things.

Starting point is 01:02:50 And then they see you have the fucking largest comedy writing career of all time. It's like the iceberg peaks this much. The most fun acting I ever had was doing curb. I got to do curb and I got to play this foul mouth baseball. I was a mechanic who sponsored his softball team. And Larry Charles, the director was like, you know, brought me on. It's like, I want you to do a pregame speech. and I was like, can I be dirty?

Starting point is 01:03:17 And he's like, please. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that was the best. That's fucking awesome. But yeah, in terms of, fuck, what was I thinking about here? The pod? Oh, yeah, the pod.

Starting point is 01:03:29 What was going on with the pod? Yeah, so, you know, where can people find it? I'm like in my 60s and I'm, I'm clearly past my prime now. I don't know. You get me. So I was like, time to do a podcast.

Starting point is 01:03:39 I mean, that's what so many, you know, so many people I admire. some of my colleagues, you know, everybody from Ted Danson to like, you know, practically the whole cast of the office. Every fourth lead on any big sitcom now. I love the ones where it's like. There's a rewatch pod. Yeah, we're going to do, yeah, a rewatch pod.

Starting point is 01:03:58 Let's talk about, you know, episode. I love that, like, I love Susie and Jeff and I love Curb Your Enthusiasm. Yeah. It's one of my favorite shows ever. One of the best shows. So I was excited. Oh, Susie and Jeff were doing one. So when they get to season 11, I'll get to be honest.

Starting point is 01:04:12 And I saw like Susie the like about a year ago and I was like so what what year are you up to? Oh, we, it got canceled. We made it to like season three and a half. Yeah, the secret is they have to be sort of famous but not famous enough that it gets in the way of stuff. Or people just don't want recaps that badly. Yeah. Well, what had it start. I think the one that really did it was the Sopranos recap.

Starting point is 01:04:41 Oh. And that was Imperiali and Sharippa. But Imperial, and it was during the pandemic. Yeah. And I think the Sopranos is so good. Yeah. And Imperial, and those two guys have such a, Shrippa's just the man.

Starting point is 01:04:55 He's just like classic, yeah. Tri-State, you know, awesome hospitality, just classic what you want. Right. And then Imperial is such an interesting, he's got the, he's such a, you know, specific actor.

Starting point is 01:05:08 Obviously, he's, you know. And also there's no pressure on them to be really funny. No, none at all. The expectation is much lower than like Susie and Jeff. Exactly. A comedy podcast, you're right. That's a great point. That's a really great point.

Starting point is 01:05:23 It's like it's not as funny as the show. If it's a comedy, exactly. You're right. You can do a rewatch on a drama. Because then being funny is fun and it's a change of pace. That's a great point. The comedy ones are never going to work. And there's also like a mystery to like, what was David Chase thinking at this point?

Starting point is 01:05:40 Right, right, right. You know, whereas. Curb, it's like, well, wasn't he fucking funny? Oh, my God. Oden Kirk killed it. Yeah. He really did kill it. Yeah, he really did kill it.

Starting point is 01:05:51 We'll be right back with... Guess when we come back, guess who else killed it? Yeah. Exactly. Yeah, it's a good point. But this is not like that. Your podcast is not like that. My podcast was my wife's idea, actually.

Starting point is 01:06:06 So during the pandemic, actually, what I did have a lot of fun doing, I got this opportunity to do a sketch show again. I never wanted to do sketch again. I did this show where it was a terrible idea in my head. It was like, Fox wants to do something like spitting image with the fucking live puppets. And I was like, oh, that's terrible. There's already Saturday Night Live.

Starting point is 01:06:28 I'd much rather see humans do their take on politicians than some fucking inanimate puppet that can't blink or change expressions. And I'm having this conversation with my man. manager and I said, you know, the only thing that would be funny is if they interacted with humans. And then I stopped and like, oh, that would be fucking funny. Yeah. If I got like an Alec Baldwin puppet to yell at paparazzi. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:06:51 It's like real paparazzi. An Alec Baldwin puppet to call his daughter puppet a rude little pig. You know, that would be really well too. No comment. Alex's a friend. No one funnier on 30 Rock. This is the funniest thing of all the time. It's all right.

Starting point is 01:07:09 You dug your hole. Yeah. He's never going to... He's never going to lose. He's not coming on stop. He's well. Or he'll come and say, thanks a lot.

Starting point is 01:07:17 What the fucks matter with you? Actually, that would be all... That would be great podcasting. Getting dressed down by it, by Baldwin for 90 minutes. I'll bring the Alex Baldwin puppet on next time. He'll just do 30 minutes on.

Starting point is 01:07:31 Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You think this is entertainment. Anyway, um, so, uh, uh, uh,

Starting point is 01:07:38 uh, uh, I had a writer's room on on Zoom and we just had so much fucking fun and I like had forgotten how much fun it is the most fun part of doing comedy is coming up with this. Totally. The riffs. Again, it's like not for it's not what I want to do. It's ironic because I said improv is, you know, but.

Starting point is 01:08:01 Riffing is like riffing is fun. And so I was like, what if we did a show like we call it the not a show and we're just coming help with sketch ideas for a show that's never going to happen. Of course. And that seemed fun, but my wife was like, I don't know if that's going to sell. You know, it's just a bunch of old white men making each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She said, but what if you make it interactive?

Starting point is 01:08:27 Yeah. And it's like, what if somebody, you know, you have a call in line and people want help, like somebody's got to make a speech at a wedding or somebody's got a job interview and they want to come off funny or somebody wants to write somebody a fan letter. Yeah. and wants to impress that person. And then you and your comedy friends will punch up, you know, or come up with ideas.

Starting point is 01:08:48 And, like, that really is a lot of fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not only because even if we come up with bad ideas that are funny because they're inappropriate somehow. Yeah. And so that's what we've been doing. I love it. I love it. I love to have you on.

Starting point is 01:09:01 Anytime I'm so down. And we would, you know, we've had like a guy from an acapella group. Yeah. Came on and he's like, we really need to. help with our banter in between songs. That's actually such a hilariously ridiculous premise. Yeah. So I had like Mikey Day and his writing partner Streeter.

Starting point is 01:09:22 They're like literally two of the best writers who've ever been at the show. They're amazing. And we just had a great time talking to this Acapella guy. But then we, they did a show and we had people like bring cameras. Oh, wow. And we saw what they incorporated that we used. So we have like an epilogue. So we also have an epilogue to find out if any of our advice took.

Starting point is 01:09:46 Yeah, I love that. You know, it's a one, it's a, this American life kind of does. The callback episodes. Yes, yes. So, so yeah. Where are they now? Yeah, what happened? We have epilogs and we bring the person back and they tell us how they did.

Starting point is 01:09:59 And we, if it's an audio thing, we, or, you know, or if it's video, we, we show clips. I love that. That's great. I mean, again, that's just a, you just have done more, you're doing a better version. of this show basically. Because what we do... You do advice. You do advice.

Starting point is 01:10:13 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I love that you're actually catching up with them. And when we get a callback, that always is a... That always is a thrill. So why don't we fucking... Let's give some real advice. I would do that. I mean, I'll do my best, but this is...

Starting point is 01:10:27 I'm terrible at this. This is great. I mean, every problem they'll have, I'll just try to punch it up. Please. No, no, Joe. That's the... We don't have to help anyone here.

Starting point is 01:10:36 Oh, good. We don't have to actually help anyone. Because I'm not a... No, no. In fact, we can roast them. Oh, no, I don't want to do that. We've done that. Okay.

Starting point is 01:10:44 Yeah, they know what they're signing up for. Okay, good. We'll just... And tell the people, what's the podcast called? Oh, it's called Humor Me with Robert Smigel and Friends. And it's going to be available. It debuts May 8th. It's available right now.

Starting point is 01:10:59 What's today, eldest? People like May 8th. They like that idea for a date. I think it's the week after May 8th. Is it May 15? Yeah, it's either May. Yeah, it's May. It's either out or it's about to come out.

Starting point is 01:11:11 I think the show's out right now, everyone. Check it out. This show starts. It's on Monday. Yeah, yeah. So it'll be, yeah, it's already available. It's available, baby. Through I-heart or wherever artists are exploited.

Starting point is 01:11:25 Yeah. Spotify. Apple music. You name it. Wherever it is. If we're getting pennies on the dollar, we're there. Eldis play us a call, baby. What's up, Stav? Eldis esteemed guests.

Starting point is 01:11:47 So I got a little bit of a dilemma. So my grandma has said since I was a kid that if any of the grandkids get tattoos or piercings, that we get cut out of the will. Now, as things stand, it's just me and one of my cousin still in the paperwork. My grandpa was a farmer all his life They ended up finding some oil on his land So I'm pretty sure But there's a nice check waiting for me

Starting point is 01:12:16 If I hold out Now I don't know if she was bluffing or not But I really want to start getting some tattoos I'm into more alternative Goss girls And I think it might help me clean up a little bit more In that area my grandpa passed about five years ago

Starting point is 01:12:36 and I was waiting for my grandma to, you know, before I started getting them. This is incredible. And I figured, you know, after grandpa died, she wouldn't stick around for too much longer. But she didn't get out kicking. And, you know, she's had some hard problems here and there. But she's not stopping.

Starting point is 01:12:55 Now I'm 27. My biological clock is starting to tick. Your biological clock is starting to tick. Yeah. To get tested. You have biological clock? This guy's on the phone with her fucking grandma's cardiologist. He's like, buddy, look, this tattooer's in from fucking Vancouver.

Starting point is 01:13:12 If I don't get got got goth Chucky. If I don't get Hellraiser on my back, how am I going to get pussy from Latina baddies? Goth Latinas, you fucking asshole. That's so funny. If that's the only way you're going to get laid by having a got tattoo, I don't know. I just, I would maybe just, I would hit on your. your grandma, maybe. Might have your best shot there.

Starting point is 01:13:37 That's a good point. How can we get grandma to die faster in a positive way? Maybe you get somebody to dick her down. You know, maybe you're both, maybe you could both, or, you know, have grandma go out on a high note, maybe. Is there more to this call, Eldis? Biological clock is starting to tick, and I don't know if I should just pull the trigger on these tattoos

Starting point is 01:14:00 and disrespect my grandma, or if I should hold out, hope she wasn't lying about cutting us out of the wheel. I don't know. Maybe I just get some tattoos you can't see. I don't know. She's like 88. So like... Could go for a while.

Starting point is 01:14:15 I don't know. What do you think? My grandma's 94. I would think of some other way to attract women than the tattoo. Like maybe, you know, develop a personality. You know what I'm saying? I feel like there's other ways beyond tattoos. Sure, sure.

Starting point is 01:14:33 You know? And listen, by the way, you could get tattoo, buy a goth a tattoo. Now we're talking. You know what I mean? Get her some tattoo. Get her. And by the way, you could wear a tattoo. A got a goth woman.

Starting point is 01:14:46 Buy her a tattoo. How about the, if you're trying to fuck a goth batty, why don't you take the 500, I mean, I don't know how much money you have for this tattoo. Because, pretend you're like some kind of goth sugar daddy situation. Right. You know what I mean? And by the way, what's stopping you from? wearing a all-black suit and getting a little eyeliner.

Starting point is 01:15:05 You know what I mean? Why does this have to be goth? Let's be goth. What about some black leather pants? Oil yourself up. Get into some of those. You know what I mean? Tattoo.

Starting point is 01:15:15 What about can you try it on? Can you try on some hena tattoos? You know what I mean? Are you going vacation? Grandma won't know the difference. She's too old. Can't get away with a henna tattoo. I assume this man, if she's taking it that seriously,

Starting point is 01:15:31 he might be Jewish because that's like a... Yeah, you know, allowed to be buried in a cemetery or whatever. And that's any grandmother's dream for her children is that they get to be buried in a Jewish cemetery. It's like a priority. At their feet. Most grandmothers want to be buried with you like you're their dog, like they're King Tut.

Starting point is 01:15:52 She wants you in the mausoleum with her. So I would say, get got goth in other ways. Get goth, you know, be Toby, McGuire, in Spider-Man 3. Grow out your bangs. The venom. That was the worst Spider-Man. It wasn't good, but he is emo.

Starting point is 01:16:10 He's Venom for a set. You know what I mean? Channel him. I would say, don't, you can't... And by the way, you're thinking you're not disrespecting your grandmother because you're... You've launched a when will my grandma die timer? The way perverts had like a when will the Olson twins turn 18 timer going.

Starting point is 01:16:28 No. You perversely wanting your grandmother to die. so you can get a tattoo is disrespecting her. You're not not being disrespectful right now. You're literally rooting for your grandma to die. Also, I'm pretty sure that goth will go out of style

Starting point is 01:16:48 before your grandma dies. Like, you know, I don't know, I think it's here to stay. Goth is finally here to stay? I think it's here to stay. I don't know. I've been doing a lot of touring the Midwest. Goth sort of like the,

Starting point is 01:17:01 The way fashion kind of goes to the middle of the country and everything is like 10 years behind. Or it just kind of stays. Goth started in like the 90s. Goth is in small towns now. Like you go to a regular town and like the barista or the lady at Walmart is a little goth. Goth is mainstream. I bet this guy isn't even calling from the, I bet this guy isn't even a coastal elite eldest. Give us a let us know where his area code is from.

Starting point is 01:17:25 Don't docks him fully. He's got to be from. Yeah. Not, not. Huh? We'll bleep it, but it's... Ah, there you know. See?

Starting point is 01:17:34 I'm 100% correct here. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so this buddy look, Grandma's not fucking around. She's from... Don't blow the inheritance. The oil... Start, yeah, get some fucking...

Starting point is 01:17:46 Get some eyeliner. Oil, slick your hair. You know, get a bowl cut like Toby. Get bangs. Get like bangs you could fucking do over your eyes. And then when you see Grandma clean up nice. But right now, focus on...

Starting point is 01:18:00 to get head without the help of tattoos. That's what I would tell you. There's got to be another way. There's got to be another way. I feel like I feel like it would be like more gratifying if you just learns how to get pussy normal too because it's like you also don't want to be like a lame tattoo late bloomer. That's true. It's like I think he said he's 27. 27.

Starting point is 01:18:22 It's kind of there but definitely like, you know, especially when you're in your 30s. His real problem. At some age, it's not going to help. Yeah. It gets really depressing. When you get the divorced double sleeve, when you get the divorced back tat, dude, that's a fucking problem. So that's his real issue.

Starting point is 01:18:40 It's not, okay, so to give him some grace, it's not that he wants his grandma dead. It's that grandma's life happens to be coinciding with his prime tattoo years. In his mind, yeah. And I do agree, if you're in your 30s getting decked out in tattoos, and you, you know, and there's not some reason for this. You're not, you didn't beat cancer and you're celebrating.

Starting point is 01:19:06 You're just a 30-year-old lame guy who is, who now thinks you're cool. That's not going to work, bro. I fucking promise you. So, yeah, get, like I said, you can, what are goths into? Dracula fangs. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:19:21 I would recommend that. You know, I'm, you know, I'm kind of an old guy. Sure, sure, sure. Sure. You were never goth? No, but I was back in the 90s. The girls love fangs. So I imagine, same thing now. They liked fangs in the 90s. Yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah. Well, you weren't a goth guy. Elvira, though. I'm sure you must have beat off to Elvira. You know, my sons are listening. I can't talk about, you know. I'm not going to get into that shit. So you want them to know their dad's a liar.

Starting point is 01:19:56 But you... No, my dad's taking the fifth, that's all. Ovirah. Oh, yeah. She was pretty far down on the list. Yeah. We have different tastes. No, goth, yeah, it's...

Starting point is 01:20:14 He's going to be fine. He just needs to... Just needs to find something else. What if he just like, you know... What are... Are there goth activity? Right, right, right. It would inspire a goth.

Starting point is 01:20:29 Here's what you do. Maybe you could say, I opened up this makeup store, a whole set. I have this makeup store. They got me all this black lipstick I can't use. I'm giving away black lipstick. And then you put your address. Now you put it on a bowl.

Starting point is 01:20:46 It's like the goth girls are coming trick or treating for black lipstick. But then when they show up and it's like, what's with this guy? He's not tattooed. Well, that's where I thought the henna might come in. contact. Maybe pretend you're a supplier of goth, of black lipstick. Right. And that you got too much at the factory. Right. Or if you, and get your hen a tattoo. And your Dracula fangs. And your Dracula fangs. And I think that ought to do it. I think if you give away

Starting point is 01:21:15 black lipstick, you should be able to get some pussy from goths. If I had a gavel, I would smack it. And I would say, next question, eldest. We should get a gavel. Miss Pat will come for your eyes. Or Hulk hands. Maybe I could smash Hulk hands together. Not a bad idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, Stav.

Starting point is 01:21:39 My name's Sam, a big fan for a long time. I hope you guys are doing well. You're in the guest and Eldie. Just got a question for you about dealing with some neighbors and or my wife. We are married with two little. kids. I have a two-year-old and a seven-month-old, both girls. And our next-door neighbor has two kids also a little bit older. I think the older one is three years old, not quite four. And he has started peeing outside the house. Like on the side of the house where my wife and my daughters could potentially see it. The neighbor's kid. The neighbor's three-year-old boys pulling his dick out and pissing. It's a kid peeing. That's what he's worried about.

Starting point is 01:22:28 Side of the house where my wife and my daughters could potentially see it. Oh, come on, man. So my wife has brought it to my attention that I need to go and talk to his dad and tell him that this isn't appropriate and it needs to stop. I'm a little uncomfortable about that. I don't want to start trouble with an otherwise good neighbor for something that I think little boys just kind of do. Hell yeah, brother. So I was hoping you could give me some advice. on how to start this conversation.

Starting point is 01:22:59 Right. All right. Thanks, man. Wow. You're now going to be able to do this. This guy has, the neighbor has sons. It could be so much worse than a three-year-old peeing. Yeah, I mean, look, dude.

Starting point is 01:23:12 Yeah, absolutely. Three-year-old peeing is like, adorable. What are we doing here? Humanity. What's humanity? You know what I mean? It's like people piss. Now, if it's his dad, if the dad is pissing at the son.

Starting point is 01:23:26 But even, can I say, honestly, if the dad is pissing off the side of his porch. No, that would be fair to, you know. Listen, I'm just saying. My own backyard, I want to be able to piss on my fence every once in a while. I get that. But if a little kid is seeing it. Right, right. That's true.

Starting point is 01:23:45 That's the only difference. If the dad is pissing with his dick pointed to your window, that's a big problem. I'll give you that. If you could just turn, you know, five degrees to the left. So that your dick, even the silhouette of your dick, it's just, I don't want that. If you do it around sunset, so we really see it. Oh, that, yeah. The shadow that your dick is casting, it's just, it's not during sunset, it's so long.

Starting point is 01:24:16 It's too long. My daughter can't miss it. And it's making me insecure. I know it's just a shadow, but I don't like seeing a dick that much bigger than mine. outside my own home. Yeah, that's a whole other that's a whole other can of worms. Yeah, what if this kid, what if this little kid has a big dick and that's just making the dad jealous?

Starting point is 01:24:36 I can tell he's going to have a bigger dick than mine. You know, his dick's already kind of dangling. It's kind of dangling what did my dick look like at three? Yeah, did it dangle yet? How much hang time did my dick have at three? Fucking kids like dangling almost as far as his

Starting point is 01:24:53 balls and I'm sorry, I don't want my daughter to see that. Something so obscene. Such an obscenely large penis that goes almost down to your whole balls. Yeah. Where there's smoke, there's fire. It's usually about my experience when people complain about their neighbors' kids' dicks. Scratch the surface and the guy's got insecure dick issues.

Starting point is 01:25:18 Yeah. So it seems like you've got a little ass dick, man. Yeah. And that's okay. And that's fine. That's okay. You can have a very... Unless your wife is the one...

Starting point is 01:25:27 Your wife's instigating this. So maybe she's... Maybe she is like trying to... Let you know. Let you know that she knows. You got to step it up. She knows. She's like, it's making me really uncomfortable

Starting point is 01:25:38 having someone with the same size penis as yours pissing outside of their yard. Um... All right. So let's... I don't know. I just like... I don't think...

Starting point is 01:25:49 I think the wife needs a talking to. There is a little bit of that. There is a like... Because I think, I guess my question is, how often has this happened? If this is a thing where the kid is out there, you know, three times a fucking day or something weird. Okay. But if, did this happen a couple times? Has it gone to the level that you have to say something?

Starting point is 01:26:14 He makes it sound like it's happening a fair amount. Yeah. Did he, did he really specify? Not really. He didn't really specify. He just said the kids like, like, you're the producer. The kids recently started.

Starting point is 01:26:24 started doing it. This is fucking insane. Recently started... Okay, so I would say, keep tabs on it. If it raises to the level of something to say, you have to say something. First, I would talk to your wife and be like, look, I get it's a little weird.

Starting point is 01:26:40 He's a little fucking kid. Let's not be crazy about this. If I would have a conversation with my neighbor, I would just kind of be joking and be like... Exactly. This is kind of a humor me situation. This is super humor me. Be light about it.

Starting point is 01:26:55 Fully. Be like, oh, picked up a new habit. Your kid is like, is that like how, well, now I'm thinking,

Starting point is 01:27:02 now I've got to think of something funny. Just think of something funny. Yeah, I think of something funny. Don't you have people you could ask who professionally do this?

Starting point is 01:27:12 Dialog it in. That's what we used to say. Yeah, dude, just go in there. It's like, what's he going to do when it snows? He's going to, you know,

Starting point is 01:27:23 Is he going to pee Then we'll know he's done it I don't know Yeah I mean you just got to go into them And be like Oh your boys Literally just be like my man's out there I see my man's out there

Starting point is 01:27:33 Pissing on the fence or just Oh I know that move Like whatever Just gentle kind of like Just be like what's up And just talk to him about it Cause it'd be like Is that like a new phase

Starting point is 01:27:42 Like what's he Because by the way Innocently The parents don't You think these parents want their kid Pissing outside Well who knows I guess that's true

Starting point is 01:27:49 Also we got a little Not to be you know Again a coastal I did hear a little twang on our callers, on our caller's voice. That's all right. But I think ultimately, I'm with you. It's not that big a deal. Talk to your neighbor like it's kind of a fun thing.

Starting point is 01:28:04 And be like, oh, I see what's going. I remember I used to piss outside all the time. It's like, well, oh, do he just start doing that? Did he just learn about pissing outside or whatever? Whatever. Like when my, if my nephew got into a pissing outside phase, we would joke about it. You know what I mean? Makes sense.

Starting point is 01:28:20 And then the guy, he'll probably be like, What the fuck are you joking? You're looking at my fucking kid's dick, you fucking pervert? Yeah, you look at it. You know my son pisses outside? Yeah. Why the fuck are you looking at where my son pisses? Meet me outside tomorrow.

Starting point is 01:28:32 And so, yeah, you could be in a duel at high noon for all we know. Yeah. But, you know, I say keep it jockey. But it's better to joke about it than to confront him in a serious way. Hey, man, we got to talk. I'm really, yeah. Everything okay? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:28:47 It's about, um, it's about the, your son. his tendency to, you know what I'm talking about. I think you know what I'm talking about. Imagine hearing that about your toddler. Someone take that tone. My wife's a little worried my infant children might see your son's penis. That's the other thing. Your kids are small too.

Starting point is 01:29:09 Who fucking cares? Who gives a fuck? Yeah. It's kind of healthy not to be. No, but seriously, you don't want to introduce shame at that age. great point. Right? And it does feel like your wife is coming at this from some type of propriety thing and it's like

Starting point is 01:29:28 guess what? Little kids do inappropriate things all the fucking time. He's a three-year-old. It doesn't matter. As long as this kid isn't pissing outside his hole in a year. All right, I think we really clearly solve that guy's problem. Next question, elders. Yeah, chill.

Starting point is 01:29:45 So far, neither people had a serious problem at all. No, that's the beauty of the show. It's just drama queens. Okay. and eldest and guests, basically what I want to ask is, so I am a sex worker and escort in particular. So I just want to thank you for your support of sex workers on the podcast, and I appreciate that. We're very pro-ho on this podcast.

Starting point is 01:30:15 I have a question because I have this client, and he is really hot. and married and cheating on his wife, the normal M.O. And basically the last time that he came to see me, he admitted that a couple of appointments before, the condom broke while we were having sex, and he ended up coming inside of me. Why did you pick this for fucking Robert, man? This is the first real problem.

Starting point is 01:30:53 This is the first one that's an actual problem. I'm good. I'm not going to have good advice, but I'm interested in hearing it. It takes a wholesome twist. Oh, it does? Okay. Okay. That he knew the condom broke.

Starting point is 01:31:08 Like last time I saw him. Oh, really wholesome. This is the fucking, this is the pretty woman reboot. This is the gritty reboot. No. That if it were any other client, I'd cut him off. for pulling some shit like that. Oh, brother.

Starting point is 01:31:25 But he's like really hot and really good at stuff. Stop, dude, stop. What are you fucking talking about? I've ever had. And I don't really want to give him up as a client and my question to you is,

Starting point is 01:31:38 do I have to? Yes. Do I have to never see him again? Is that like really, really fucked up? Yes. Or can I just like be more aware? No.

Starting point is 01:31:49 In our sessions while I'm seeing him. Are you out of your fucking mind? kind of just like get over it because I like to see him. No. Stop. Thank you for listening. Let me know what you think. Bye-bye.

Starting point is 01:32:02 I'm more torn than you are. I'm sorry to say. When you think about it. Sure, sure, sure, sure. These people are performing a service. Like you say, you claim to be pro ho. I am, I am. This is a woman who's actually deriving a modicum of real pleasure.

Starting point is 01:32:21 Real pleasure. Yeah. From one of her clients. Right. and, you know, most of the time she's just taking it for the team. Of course, of course, of course. Taking it for the team. Yep.

Starting point is 01:32:32 Sucking it for the team. Right, right, right, right. Taking it from the behind for the team. Yes, yes, yes. Servicing the team in a number of ways. Yeah, yeah. Fucking worst of all, just whacking it for the team. And here, I don't know.

Starting point is 01:32:49 There's a part of me that's like, it's not like being a sex worker. is the safest job in the first place. Sure, sure, sure. So it's like, oh, you might get pregnant. I mean, I'm assuming that the guy, I mean, he confessed. Would raise it, of course. First of all, he would marry her and raise it, of course. Oh, no, I'm not assuming.

Starting point is 01:33:11 I would make an honest Christian out of her. So I guess she didn't get pregnant. I guess so. So maybe the guy's shooting blanks. Ooh, it's possible. What if she, I'm sure she's got to be triple-control up. What if she tells the guy? guy, you got to get a vasectomy.

Starting point is 01:33:26 He'll be like, yeah, I just did. And then be like, oh, good news. I actually got one yesterday. So can we keep going? Yeah, right. That's a good point. I would say, ultimately, yeah, it's still your job.

Starting point is 01:33:42 And let's say you worked at Subway and one of the people there was really hot. Okay. Sorry. Yeah, she was really, You're sexist. Accidentally jizzed on the credit card that he handed her. And as soon as you made the best Italian BMT of your life, he nuts all over it, doesn't tell you, and you take a bite.

Starting point is 01:34:08 I have a confession to me. I mean, I did press 25% for your tip. But I don't know if you noticed, but there was jizz all over my credit card. and probably clogged up your machine. The tap tap's not working. I can't risk my machine getting clogged up again. But he gave me a 25% tip. I don't know.

Starting point is 01:34:37 Yeah. Okay. Ultimately, I think you should make a principled stand here because this is your job and you have to set baseline standards. And if you start letting this motherfucker nutting you, next thing you know he's doing weird or shit Wait a minute

Starting point is 01:34:53 Who says he's gonna continue to nutting her He's he's he's What if he's like I swear to God You know You can inspect the condom before we You know I really don't think Create that kind of bullshit standard

Starting point is 01:35:04 I think she's she's not in control here at all He has the ability to get to control her Clearly that's fair And so I think I don't I mean And I'm gonna guess The psychology Of you know

Starting point is 01:35:18 If you're if you're an escort a lot of people I've met who are sex workers, there's a psychological component to what attracts you to that, why you're good at it, whatever, whatever, that I think this guy's probably tapping into some problematic shit in your, you know,

Starting point is 01:35:34 in your sex worker psychology. But he does he... What about the fact that he confessed? Like, think about it. Sure. If he saw he fucking broke a condom, he'd by, like, how many other guys could have gizzed, you know?

Starting point is 01:35:49 Sure, sure, sure. Like, I don't have to tell. It's also... She doesn't have to ever know that it was me. It's also a little worrisome that as a professional, you're not keeping tabs

Starting point is 01:35:58 on who nuts in you and who doesn't. Well, yeah, that's the wrong issue. The fact that he had to confess is a little worrisome about the OSHA standards. She must be really into this guy. Yeah, yeah. She was in the moment.

Starting point is 01:36:10 Yeah, exactly. When your whole day is me, you, and Eldis, and then some fucking, some fucking hot guy walks in, you're like, ooh, nice. So I get it. I get why you're swept up in the moment,

Starting point is 01:36:20 but I would say you have to set boundaries. And here's the other thing. Talk to more professional sex workers, obviously, who know about this kind of thing. Who have funny podcasts. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But reach out to people who are, because my hunch is that I get one,

Starting point is 01:36:38 I get the, I get the reason you want to, you don't want to do this, but I think you must set a standard for everybody to keep you safe to make sure that this guy is, you know, who knows, Maybe this guy confessed, maybe he's a good guy. Maybe he's also playing mind games here.

Starting point is 01:36:53 Maybe he likes having control over this person who maybe at first had very strict boundaries, but the more they get to know each other, they're loosening. And he's seeing how much can I get out of it? This is pure speculation. I like to see the best in people. I like to see that's just, you know. It's just been my, you know, standard for as a comedy writer. I get that.

Starting point is 01:37:13 As a dog puppeteer. When it comes to philanderers who are not in sex workers, you like to see the best. than I get there. I'm more of an Ellen DeGeneres kind of comedian. You know. A Cosby degenrous type. A Cosby. Yeah. And our worry here is that this guy ends up a real Cosby type.

Starting point is 01:37:32 We're feel good comedians. Yeah, I see that. No, you're right. He could. I just, I don't know enough about the guy. We have the guy call in. That's a great. I would actually love to talk to him as well. But that's what I'm going to tell you. reach, talk to like some, some more experienced sex workers. That unfortunately is my, and by the way, make sure you're double checking and seeing who's nodding in you and who's not.

Starting point is 01:37:59 You're in a dangerous line of work for multiple reasons. You don't want to get some kind of weird, you know, disease or whatever. So it sounds like most guys, she's just, it's just a job and that's like all she's thinking about. Yeah, yeah. She's at the factory. And then this one guy. She's in the zone.

Starting point is 01:38:14 He's in the zone. I get it. You know. I get it. She's getting her pussy ate nicely. kind of feel like, you know, you want her to be in the zone once in a while. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:38:24 Perks of the job. Yeah, yeah. So look, at the very least, okay, reach out to them. Talk to people who are more experienced. At the very least, have a real, like, if you ever do that again, you're fucked conversation. Set a real boundary. But my hunch is you must maintain boundaries

Starting point is 01:38:41 when you're doing a job like this. And, you know, we're doing the best we can, but I just want to offer a disclaimer. I'm a fucking idiot. Let's just make that clear. I have no idea what I'm talking about. And, you know, so just take that into account. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:39:00 Robert's like, I've never cheated on my wife with a sex worker. Don't ever listen to me at all. That's true. And it is true. It is true. I said that in a jokey manner, but we all, I think we all know that that is true. I got excited by the set designer at Saturday Night Live.

Starting point is 01:39:16 You know, this is as nerdy as a kid. This is an earnest man. It takes a nerd to make fun of nerds. That is true. That is true. And we've got... It's an affection. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:39:24 We've got a nerd pervert over here. We've got a classic nerd over... I'm not saying I'm not a pervert. Don't pigeonhole me. I'm sorry, you're right. Just because I'm straight-laced and, you know, nerdy doesn't make me not a pervert. Jesus. You're right.

Starting point is 01:39:41 And that's fucked up that I would assume that, man. And I hope you accept my apologies. Again, my sons are listening. They're pissing out in the backyard as we speak. I would have let them. I don't know. Again, I just like, there's nothing wrong with. Shame at that age.

Starting point is 01:40:02 Shame at that age. And like, you know, shame is a plague. I think it is good to. In many ways, it's a plague. And this lady as a sex worker shouldn't have shame. She shouldn't. But the John who knotted in her without telling her? But he did tell her.

Starting point is 01:40:22 That's right, you're right. You're right. So he exhibited some shame. Isn't there a place in for forgiveness in this world? Again, it's a great question. If Triumph were here, he would say the same. Yeah. I think Triumph is very pro-sex worker if I had to guess.

Starting point is 01:40:35 Oh. Yeah. Triumph helped Frank Sinatra bury hookers in the desert. He's got a long history of back when you could call them hookers. Of course, of course. That's back of the day, folks. Now we would call them. Men, women, baby.

Starting point is 01:40:54 Scooby-do-do. What else we got? Olden, eldest, and guests. I am a bartender. I have some regulars who come in probably like five days a week, four or five days a week. Every time they did three beers and three shots.

Starting point is 01:41:17 before they go to their bartending jobs. And then they tip me like 30 or 40 bucks. Nice. Respect. On that 30 or $40 bill every time. That's alcoholism for the love of the game, by the way. Kind of. So he's torn because they nutted inside him.

Starting point is 01:41:36 And I want to keep this going. That is fun. After three or four drinks, they want a fucking nut inside me. And sometimes because they're drunk, They forget to use a condom. And I don't want to give birth to, you know, a female turd. Sure, sure. That is about 70% of the calls on this show amount to.

Starting point is 01:42:00 It's true. Come back. There will be another nutting inside you question, for sure, I promise. Sorry. This is hilarious. So respect to these, I love when you see a bartender. When I'm in a bar at Happy Hour and you see a guy come in, you just see a guy come in, put fucking 20 on the thing. Uh-huh.

Starting point is 01:42:15 The guy serves him. It's exactly this situation. Usually you see beer in a shot and the guy leaves immediately. That's one of my favorite things to watch. Just as an addict, real addiction. This motherfucker is so. It's so about ritual because these are bartenders. I guess they don't want to seem, you know,

Starting point is 01:42:33 but they could sneak getting fucked up at their job if they wanted to. If they really wanted to, they could drink for free. But going there, supporting another guy, supporting the whole ecosystem of drunks, I love seeing shit like this. You could see that. It's like, see it. It's like, you know, being a fat guy just getting an ice cream cone on a hot day for just because, you know, you know what? It's dessert time.

Starting point is 01:42:51 It's time to support my local ice cream truck. Yeah, I have ice cream at home. But I'm getting them fucking Mr. Softie here because I want to help the fat ecosystem. Let's finish. Let's see what else they have to say, Aldus. End of worried. Like, I know I can't afford to do that. Should I ask them to stop doing it?

Starting point is 01:43:12 That sounds crazy. I don't want to fuck my own money. No. But, like, they don't need to be doing that. This is so cute. If they just have me, like, $10, that'd be fine. I don't know. How many baritenders really?

Starting point is 01:43:25 Like, ask him to stop. Pay it forward? I don't need it, need it. Do you know the career of Kevin Spacey? Have you ever heard of pay it forward? That's the only thing I know him from. He's a great actor and a great guy from what I can tell from the character there. I think it's based on...

Starting point is 01:43:41 I haven't heard much about him. I think it's actually based on him as a guy. from what I can tell, because I'm not really familiar. Yeah, yeah, I think he's, I think, yeah. I'd like to do more research on him. Yeah, yeah. I don't know much of except for him. I understand he's very, all I've heard is that he's very warm and giving with children.

Starting point is 01:43:59 Yeah, he's kind of like he's really, he's a big mentor for people in the community. I, you know, just in general. And he has, he has conducted events in public parks. At night. Networking events. Yeah. Networking events. In public parks.

Starting point is 01:44:21 Often late at night. Because people work days. Of course they work days. You know, you don't have time for self-improvement unless it's off hours. Yeah. And this is when, you know,

Starting point is 01:44:31 he waits until people have already had their, you know, their day and they've gotten all their activities out. Maybe they've seen a movie. Now they're tired. Their resistance is low. Right, right, right, right. I don't mean, resistance to getting nutted.

Starting point is 01:44:45 I mean... No, no, no, no. Their resistance to... Sure. Changing their life. Not wanting to have a good time. Right, right, right, right. In a public park in the middle of the night. Their inhibitions are low.

Starting point is 01:44:56 Yeah, their inhibitions are low. You know, anyway, he's a facilitator. He's a facilitator. He's a like a party facilitator. Yeah, yeah. So I would say, can you be the Kevin's... No, no, this is great. Be the Kevin Space you wish to see in the world. You know?

Starting point is 01:45:08 Well, the pay it forward. The pay it forward thing. Yeah. So, yeah. So, you're... You're getting tipped out of control, instead of telling these people, fuck, you know, you could, look, you could have a conversation with them, sure. Why don't you go tip a fucking, even poorer bartender than you a little bit? Or give a, you know.

Starting point is 01:45:25 I mean, again, I'm a nerd. I don't do a lot of this stuff. Sure. How many bartenders do you see who really take on, take on that role of like, this guy's a mess? He's got to stop. Yeah. Are they pretty consistent? I think that's an old-fashioned archetype.

Starting point is 01:45:42 Right. I don't really think you see that anymore. You don't see that anymore. The guy polishing the glasses as they come in. Hey, what's going on? Life isn't cheers. You know what I mean? No, I know.

Starting point is 01:45:51 I understand. But I think this... That's why I'm asking. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. No, I think, though, this guy's saying it is cheers. It's kind of cheers for them, though. Because he sees them all the time, five days a week.

Starting point is 01:46:04 So they have some relationship. But they're functional. They're not, obviously, they're going to work after work. Right, right, right, right. So they're not even... It's not like they're making a fuss in the... they're not making a scene in the bar. No, no, no.

Starting point is 01:46:16 He just is being the guy you're... He's just concerned for them. Yeah, that you're saying, who even is this guy? This guy even exists. This guy wants to be the caring, bartending archetype. Right. Which is cute, but I also think... But on the other hand, you're a bartender.

Starting point is 01:46:29 You're a fucking bartender. And they're bartenders. You know what I mean? These aren't like college kids. Like, I remember when I went to college, my scholarship just put the money in my account. And I was like, what the fuck are you doing?

Starting point is 01:46:44 And I did damn, like, there were times where there'd be like a thousand less than I needed to pay for school because for like two weeks I saw the account. So these aren't like you know, college kids who can't afford it. It's kind of like telling a Coke dealer, dude, I'm a little worried.

Starting point is 01:46:59 You're going a little. Are you snorting? Dude, I'm a little worried. What's up with this turquoise pinky nail you just got installed? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just, you got to pull it back a little. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. From the dealing?

Starting point is 01:47:14 No, no, from the, from you, I'm worried about you. One step at a time. Right, right, right. It looks like it crazy. It's all before you walk. Yeah. Let's take care of you. No, I'm still going to deal.

Starting point is 01:47:25 Yeah, of course, you've got to make a living. Yeah. You can't, listen. They know, by the way, these are probably older bartenders than him, right? I think this guy, this is the circle of life. This guy's like, these guys can't afford it. He's in his 20s. These are 37-year-old.

Starting point is 01:47:42 bartenders, they're broken down. You know what I mean? They have nothing. They're about to get... I have a buddy who's talking, who's like, about to get divorced. And he's like, on vacation now because he's like, that fucking bitch isn't getting half... He's like, I'm dwindling this shit down before she gets shit.

Starting point is 01:47:58 These guys could be spending their ex-wife's future settlement money for all you know, right? These guys are down, dude. They're coming every fucking day and getting three shots and three beers. And you think a little talking to from a fucking 27-year-old bar is going to change their lives. That's true. They're not going to listen to them.

Starting point is 01:48:15 They're going to be like, that's cute, honey. And then they're going to, worst case scenario, they're like, oh, thanks, man. They will never come back. They'll never come back. They'll be like, fuck. They'll go to the bar next door. They obviously think they've got it under control if they're able to work. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:48:29 You know, seven hours shift after that. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. They got their system. And speaking as a man who, for, like, there was three years of my life that are a complete fugue state. Right? Where I was just like so addicted to mostly food, but also pills and drugs and whatever the fuck at the same time. They're probably doing a great job.

Starting point is 01:48:51 They're probably, I was in the fucking zone when my addictions were completely controlling me. Because that's how you get away with staying addicted. You have to stay good at your job. And so look, there will be a rock bottom for them. There is for everyone. You ain't the motherfucker that's taken them out of it. enjoy the extra fucking $240 a week. You're fine.

Starting point is 01:49:12 Or if you feel guilty, give the money to a methadone clinic. Yeah. Yeah. Listen, yeah, I think the beautiful halfway point here is donate a little bit of it if you really, you know what I mean? You know, a rehab center.

Starting point is 01:49:28 Yeah, yeah. Totally, totally, totally. Yeah, yeah. Fucking go to a, go to buy all the stale donuts and coffee for a fucking 12-step meeting or some shit. You know what I mean? You'll figure it out. It's like one of the dumbest things that there was a trend.

Starting point is 01:49:40 I don't know if it's still happening. Do you remember this when? And I'm a tree hugger. Sure. Sure. I'm a little. Of course. Nerd.

Starting point is 01:49:50 Yep. Bitch. Saturday Night Live. Whatever I am. So many bad things. Jew. That's yeah. Whatever people.

Starting point is 01:49:57 Old piece of shit. You want to keep going? Yeah. Ugly. Receding hairline. I'd say fully bald. But sure. Receding hairline's fine.

Starting point is 01:50:07 to. All right. All right. Thank you. The crowd disagrees with me. All right. I've been proven wrong. He has some hair. He has some hair. I forgot what my point was. I'm a piece of shit. Treehugger, liberal.

Starting point is 01:50:30 Oh, yeah. Do you remember when, so this is like the having it both ways Like donating to a methadone. Remember when people, there was this thing that was going on where if you were environmentally conscious, they would figure out your carbon footprint.

Starting point is 01:50:51 So you wouldn't have to sacrifice anything. Right, right, right. Your cast-guzzling car or the insane amount of heat or air conditioning. Right, right, right. It's a million things that we all live with. that, half that, you know,

Starting point is 01:51:06 people complain about cars and all our fucking, uh, all our, uh, all our, uh, VCRs and televisions are like on all the time.

Starting point is 01:51:15 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, just as bad. But anyway, I remember, uh,

Starting point is 01:51:19 I'm not going to say who, but a comedy writer who was an activist was like, you gotta do this. It's great. You know, they figure out your carbon footprint. And then you have to make a donation. Oh,

Starting point is 01:51:29 and that fixes it, huh? Isn't that convenient? Yeah. All I have to give some random guy. And we're talking about like you're fucking polluting the environment. You're speeding up the death of the planet. What if you made that?

Starting point is 01:51:42 But I gave money to people who are going to, you know, protest people like me. You know, this allows them to, you know, break up meetings with Chevron corporate speakers. And, you know, they walk on stage and they say you're in, you know. So throw some pain on them. something old school. Throw oil on an oil exec? That's not bad. For you guys, I take the do domestic terrorism.

Starting point is 01:52:11 We have two different opinions here. I'm saying fund it. But you could do both. I think there's fun domestic terrorism. I mean, look what happened. I mean, some of it works. Like, nobody wears fur anymore. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:52:23 That's pretty fucking great. That's what I'm saying. But I know you're saying where it was like, it was kind of like the thing where the Catholic Church is like giving you dispensations or whatever. Yeah. Where it's like, oh, yeah, you can keep sinning. Just give us 80. bucks.

Starting point is 01:52:35 Yeah. So it's like, yeah. It's like you're making up for what you're, for the damage you're doing. And by the way, you're not. You're not because you could just do both. You could actually, you know, not pollute and give money if you really want it to make a fucking difference. I'll give money, but only if I can, you know.

Starting point is 01:52:55 It's the breaking even. You're basically just like, well, breaking even. That's the highest form of, of activism I could possibly think of. We want to actually make progress. It's like, no, how about, yeah. I want to move the needle. Not move it and then move it back. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:53:06 But you don't know, listen, buddy, you're not fixing the... No, no, no, you're right. That shit is fucking dumb. And it's like, look, you're not gonna... You can talk to them in the way that they're regulars and you can have a rapport. And I think that's fine. But don't ask them about their tipping. They know what the fuck they're doing.

Starting point is 01:53:23 It's not about you. If it's not you, it's somebody else. And yeah, you know what? That's a good point. Don't even bother fucking donating any money. Use it on fun. Buy it on cool shit. Get sex workers and use a...

Starting point is 01:53:34 condom the whole time and tip them well. There you go. Everybody's getting fed in the Stavvy's world ecosystem this way. Nice. You know? And maybe subscribe to Robertson's new podcast. You've accomplished a lot. Eldis, you have something fun for us to go out on here, little buddy? Hey, Stav. Hey, Elvis. Hey, guest. I hope

Starting point is 01:53:52 you're all having a wonderful day. To keep it short, I'm planning a little Euro trip with my best friend for the summer. And we're going to be bopping around, going to a couple different places. And one city that I'm super excited about is Amsterdam. Hell yeah. Because I've never been before.

Starting point is 01:54:09 And as with probably every other stoner on the planet, it's been like a lifelong dream to eat some space cake and do mushrooms at a cafe in Amsterdam. So I really, really want to. Even for non-stoners, it's a dream. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so funny when you go there and it's like, because it is awesome. But the, but I hate to, now I'm being a fucking pothead hipster where I'm like, sister, it's not what it used to be.

Starting point is 01:54:36 Where it's like, when you went, dude, the first time you went and weed is illegal here, and you smoke weed there, it feels, it's, if you're doing something illegal in broad daylight, you're like, now, I mean,

Starting point is 01:54:47 I have, I have like, probably $800 worth of different weed that I've forgotten just in this. I went, I bought weed with a fucking debit card. You know what I mean? Like,

Starting point is 01:54:56 but not to be a dickhead. Sorry to, it still is pretty fun. When you can't, when you hit it a, a cafe and you do the whole thing. It's like gambling in Las Vegas. You can do it in your fucking basement now.

Starting point is 01:55:09 Yes, yes, yes, yes. But there's a glamour to doing it in this town where everybody does it. Where so many people have killed themselves. That's the thing I can't get out of my head when I'm in Vegas hotel, the nice hotel. I'm like, thousands of people have killed themselves in here. I'm at the fuck, I won't say a real name, but man,

Starting point is 01:55:27 you're just in one of those and you're like, 10% of the rooms in here have seen death. Right. Easy. and that's the worst. They've seen a lot of other shit too. But still, the glitz and the glamour still does get you when you're on that strip, baby.

Starting point is 01:55:42 Well, Vegas isn't what it used to be either. Yeah, that's true. Everybody's dresses like you. When I was like 14 years old, my parents took me to Vegas. Oh, wow. They were very cool parents, you know? That's awesome.

Starting point is 01:55:56 But we had to like wear a fucking jacket. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, we like, and I had to wear like a jacket in the casino. Yeah, yeah. You know, and somehow they let us play. Back then, it was, you know, all mob run and nobody gave a shit. So I played blackjack.

Starting point is 01:56:15 It was so exciting. As a 14-year-old and a fucking, in a big lapel. Yeah, oh, super wide lapel. Hell, yeah. It was probably brown in my suit because it was the 70s. Fuck, yes. But yeah. So I get the.

Starting point is 01:56:28 But that's actually a great point. I wonder if Amsterdam. is just like filled with cargo short kids. I think it kind of unfortunately is. It's not like guys that dress like me. It's literally me. Now everybody goes to, like I love Amsterdam. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 01:56:42 And I'm in a fucking floor. I'm in a Hawaiian and shorts. You know what I mean? I'm not, but I think I don't know what it was back in the day. But still, Vegas is a great point. It's a great comp.

Starting point is 01:56:52 Because it's like, yeah, it's not what it used to be. But they're still, we play a lot of casinos. It's not Vegas. You know, the other casino, they're fun. But you're not. Vegas is so much more cool looking than in the daytime. It really is. I mean, so is New York, actually.

Starting point is 01:57:06 Yeah, but there is something at night with all the neon. Totally, totally. You can't see the cargo shorts at night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just everything's... Okay, let's finish her... Oh, sorry. The problem is, my friends who I'm going with

Starting point is 01:57:23 doesn't really do drugs like that. Like, she will, she'll partake a little bit, but it's just overall not really her thing. So if I wanted to go, you know, eat some space cake or like smoke some weed, she likely would come with me, but just not like do it herself. Okay. And it's not really fun to, you know, be stoned or on mushrooms by yourself while your friend is sober next to you. You're going to make friends. But I also don't know if I'm ever going to get a chance to go to Amsterdam again.

Starting point is 01:57:53 So my question is, should I just do drugs anyway, like by myself? for sure. Or should I... She's going, right? Be mature and forego the space. Mature. Enjoy some quality sober time with my friends. Nobody over 12 says the word mature.

Starting point is 01:58:09 Hope and pray that I make it back to answer them one day. What do you think? This is so easy. Come on. Do drugs. What are we even talking about here? Do the drugs. And by the way, I'll say, I, me and elders have actually benefited from this.

Starting point is 01:58:23 We have been, we have a friend, friend of the program, Straight George, who does not really do, drugs, you know? And so we have... Why as your friend isn't judging you? Yes, exactly. As long as you, I would say it's about the dynamic. Because I have, I would

Starting point is 01:58:39 actually say, if you're with a really close friend who you trust and like, having them be sober is a positive. Someone now is Google Mapsing, because I, me, you know, I've been fucked up. I'll have plenty of days where I'll just kind of get

Starting point is 01:58:55 fucked up beyond, you know, I'll take 100 milligrams of those and I'll walk around. and I'll be trying to get dinner for six hours because I'm just confused I'm like I should go here dude oh fuck I'm on the wrong train whereas like we had a beat one of the best some of the best members of my life

Starting point is 01:59:11 for me and Eldis stoned out of our fucking minds on mushrooms and straight George driving us down the fucking we were on where was it was it uh... Was it Mahalo? The PC, yeah, Mahalo and drive we went up, we went to the PCH

Starting point is 01:59:26 it was fucking awesome. could he handle that like a whole week in Amsterdam? Like would it get old? But I think he gave us one awesome day, right? We had that one great day that it was all about getting fucked up. But I would say for her, like smoking a little weed, that doesn't count as getting fucked up to me. That's like having a couple beers, right?

Starting point is 01:59:49 Like I, if you're... Is that all she said she wanted to do? She wanted to take mushrooms. Right. Well, I would say you don't do mushrooms. You do mushrooms once in the week. I don't think you would... You're not doing mushrooms twice.

Starting point is 02:00:00 Five times a day. Yeah, that's fucking... By the way, we actually knew an insane guy who was addicted to mushrooms. And that should have been the tell that this guy was going to lose his mind. People... When people moved to New York and can't hang...

Starting point is 02:00:12 Stand-ups, when they move here, they start doing shit like getting addicted to mushrooms. Oh, God. And making weird... Anyway, so I would say, tell your friend... I think it really depends a little on the friend. Just want to make sure that the friend

Starting point is 02:00:27 can handle it. That's fair. Because okay, again, my sons are watching, so I shouldn't talk about this as if it's cool. Right. But, you know, they have, they're in high school, they have friends who are doing all. I'm sure they don't know about drugs. No, no, but one of my

Starting point is 02:00:43 sons has a million allergies and immune issues. So he can't drink. He can't do all kinds of shit. And he has a good time. He's like, he's amused by his friends. Yes.

Starting point is 02:00:57 parties. He's like he's used to it. Totally. I don't know if he could handle like a whole week of it. Totally. But Amsterdam. But here's the other thing. This is a conversation, right? Does your friend want to do something kind of boring that you don't really want? Can we do a little horse trading? Right. It's like you want to go to some museum I don't give a fuck about.

Starting point is 02:01:15 I'll give you your boring museum. Although I'll say the museums in Amsterdam are great. I'm sure. Is there something you can do for your friend? And you can also say, by the way, look, if you and your friend were going to fucking Rome, and she was like, I want to see the Coliseum one day, and you're like, I'm not going, you dumb bitch.

Starting point is 02:01:33 You'd be like, oh, that's kind of rude. You're going to Amsterdam. You're going, hey, I want to do mushrooms one day and walk around the parks. I mean, of course. That's what you fucking do. So I think it's really reasonable to have a middle ground. It sounds like her friend would probably be cool with it.

Starting point is 02:01:48 And that's all that you can ask. As long as the friend's not judging you, doesn't have a problem with her. Totally. So that's my question is, is your friend somebody who's, cool and can do, and again, we're not talking a week. Because a week, if you're talking about, like, being around somebody who's fucked up for a week

Starting point is 02:02:03 while you're sober, that's hell. That's what I'm saying. But one day, it could be kind of fun. How long did she say she was going? She went for a week. Yeah, a week. Again, as the resident mushrooms expert, I don't even think you're,

Starting point is 02:02:15 is this is a put on for your sons anymore. I think you just really don't know, you know, how to do hard drugs. Not that mushrooms are hard. You're not doing mushrooms. She wants to do it one day when the weather's go outside, walk around. You also want to, they have a specific kind of mushroom.

Starting point is 02:02:32 I will say this, you have to chew a lot. They're fresh mushrooms. They're not dried. So there's less drugs in them. The dried ones are much more potent. So you have to chew a horrible, weird tasting mushroom for a long time. Those are some bad, yeah, yeah, the, they call them truffles there. Either way.

Starting point is 02:02:48 And here's the other thing. They have different strengths. So you could do some mild, and we did some mild little mushrooms. One day, my buddy, because I've gone to Amsterdam, him twice with the same friend, Straight George. And he, the first time he did... Is that all he's known for?

Starting point is 02:03:06 That he doesn't do. We eat in mushrooms. Pretty much. He's kind of the... An absence of a personality. He literally... That's his thing. Yeah, he's sort of the only guy

Starting point is 02:03:17 who's a real person in our friend group. He's got a real job. He came to, he came on the tour. I see, I see. He came on the tour just to kind of make sure we were eating vegetables and he did like laundry. He's, he's, the man. He's one of our, one of my best friends. But, yeah, find the right thing, figure it out.

Starting point is 02:03:33 I think you can get away with one day of mushrooms with this friend. And a little toking every once in a while, going to a cafe and you smoke a joint and your friend gets coffee, that's fine. Right. They do that shit at Amsterdam all the time. So it's really about the friend. You're right. Right. And also about her. Is she, does she have a mature approach to going to Amsterdam or is she like such a geek that she's like, I got to get high all the time. Right. Right. Don't be corny about it.

Starting point is 02:04:04 Yeah, exactly. Don't come with your own fucking reggae fucking drug like that. You got a fucking hat. You got the big Bob Marley hat and fake dreds. You're like, whoa, man, it's 420 somewhere. You don't want to be doing that shit. No, no. Everyone will point and laugh.

Starting point is 02:04:20 If you're just... And they'll bond with your friend. Yeah, absolutely. But yes, you're going to Amsterdam. She knows what the fuck it is. Again, if you're going to Hawaii and your friend's like, I'm not that interested in the beach. They're an asshole.

Starting point is 02:04:33 You know what I mean? Like, you can get at least one beach trip. I want to see the museums in Hawaii. But yes, that's a very long answer to a short, do the drugs is my advice. Roberts is a little more nuanced. Just make sure your friends, you know, respect your friend's tolerance for it.

Starting point is 02:04:57 Yeah. agree. And your friends should respect your desire to have some fun. Your lifelong journey. Absolutely. Meet them halfway and talk about it in advance. I love. Boom.

Starting point is 02:05:07 Done and done. You're good at it. What are you talking about? You're good at advice. You just nailed it. I once played a rabbi at a comedy club. Yeah. Cotton candy beard.

Starting point is 02:05:17 Cotton candy beard making a comeback. Good bit. Good bit. I actually have played like rabbis in like four different movies and TV shows. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's my thing now. You're great.

Starting point is 02:05:28 I actually have grown out this beard because I'm about to play a rabbi. Oh, really? In a show that I can't say what show. That's awesome. Yeah. Yeah. Were you a, what was your character in Punch Drunk Love? Were you?

Starting point is 02:05:41 I was a dentist. You're a dentist. That was an inside joke that he made me a dentist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to know him at SNL. Oh, cool. He was a huge SNL fan. Oh, interesting.

Starting point is 02:05:50 I love that movie. I love that movie. I love that movie and that scene was crazy because we shot it once and then he and he was very happy and then months later I hear Paul wants to rework the scene

Starting point is 02:06:05 where I can't remember the characters Barry smashes through the glass when he wants to restage it and so that means we're going to have to restage that scene so we do the exact same scene again where Adam you know makes this confession to me and he starts crying but

Starting point is 02:06:21 he added this one element where Adam starts making this funny noise when he cries. Yeah. He's like just saying, you know, sometimes I feel like I can't, whatever he said. And then he's good. Yeah. Yeah. And we laughed.

Starting point is 02:06:40 We could not get through a take. It's incredible, yeah. And he was so fucking mad at us. Because it was like, we have time. It's the end of the day. I think we can get the scene. I think we can get this. It's one shot.

Starting point is 02:06:53 They know their lines. get this. And then we're just anticipating the moment where he's going to go that high-pitched. And one of us would laugh, and we were reduced to like five-year-olds. We would giggle and

Starting point is 02:07:09 we'd be like, that was your fault. You did it. Meanwhile, there's this fucking serious Paul Tamasanderson crew. Just like... Don't give a fuck at all. No. I just cannot believe these fucking children. They're mad. And then somebody told me he ended up

Starting point is 02:07:25 using take three. Yeah. I don't know. And I asked him about a years later. He's like, no fucking way. It was like 14. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great.

Starting point is 02:07:34 I love, yeah. You're great in that. Love that movie. But usually nowadays, it's a rabbi. Anyway, we're plugging punch drunk love. Punch drunk love. Catch it. I believe it's on Amazon for $4.95.

Starting point is 02:07:51 But it's worth it. It's not one of his most highly regarded. movies, but it has a cult following. I love it. If you're a... I love it too. If you're... But truly, if you're a comedy fan of like Sandler, your generation, it was the most...

Starting point is 02:08:06 I love that movie because it takes the Sandler character from Billy Mattis, the early Sandler character. And it makes... It's like, how could this person be real? Right. And Pete D. Anderson, he was, like, I love that because he's clearly such a fan of Adam Sandler. Right. That he put all his...

Starting point is 02:08:23 One of the greats... One of the great filmmakers decided, I'm going to solve this puzzle of how can we make Happy Gilmore a real guy in a drama? And find the source of his rage. And it feels real. It's incredible. And he's such a, and Sandler's,

Starting point is 02:08:37 those early characters are so important to me. And so, but they're so, they're cartoonish in many ways. And to find, like, real humanity. I think that's still his best performance.

Starting point is 02:08:47 Yeah. Yeah, probably. He's amazing in that movie. He's so good. And that's not taking anything away from fucking, uncut gems. No,

Starting point is 02:08:53 No, or a number of movies he's been great. But it's also because it's his thing. Yeah. In such a different context where you never get to see that. No. You never get to see someone. And not only that, a genius puts you in a position to do your thing in a completely different way. It's such, and you're right, it's such a, I think it is the greatest performance because it's a very hard thing to do and do it that well.

Starting point is 02:09:16 To be that guy and it's just for the, you feel so hard, you feel for this kid so much, so many, times throughout the movie your heart breaks for him. Yeah. Oh my God. In a way that's like not remotely manipulative or formulaic. No. But it was not well received by Adam's fans back then.

Starting point is 02:09:36 Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were like, we just saw the water boy. What the hell is. Yeah, yeah. And his fans, and Paul's fans didn't receive it well at first either because they were like, what the fuck's Adam Sandler doing? Because Adam didn't have the respect

Starting point is 02:09:51 he has now. But see it now? You see what a fucking genius both of those guys are. We're fast forward and it's an incredible piece of art. And the fact that they could see that in the context of let's keep doing, because Waterboro was a huge hit. What was, I don't remember what Paul

Starting point is 02:10:07 Thomas Anderson did before that. What was right before that? I mean, come on. That was, yeah. So it's like, I get why it wouldn't be well received and still that makes it even more impressive to me. But we literally, I joked, but we did just spend 15 minutes talking about how awesome. This has been at the movies.

Starting point is 02:10:22 It's been the... It started as a basketball podcast And it ended as a shitty movie podcast Shitty podcast. Shitty podcast, not shitty movie. You're right. You're right, you're right, you're right, right. But this was incredible.

Starting point is 02:10:36 Truly, Robert, I mean, seriously, dream come true. I've been a fan. I've told you before, since I was a child, and I feel sorry that I have to say that to you because of how I look now. I was once a... A blushing boy, uh-oh. No, no, no.

Starting point is 02:10:52 I was much, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm very touched by everything you say. Oh, thank you. You know, I didn't know what to expect. I mean, I, you know, I mean, I come from a totally different generation, but I really had a great time, and this is an incredible show. For me to Boban! Oh, no.

Starting point is 02:11:12 Yes, because it's not good after all this. It's the opposite. Oh, triumph. Yes. Okay. That's beautiful. We're ending on that. We'll cut there.

Starting point is 02:11:26 Robert, thank you so much. You're the man. Watch the podcast, folks. Or listen to it. Listen to it. If you can't handle my face. I understand.

Starting point is 02:11:33 Yeah, listen. Again, you're the man. This was so fucking cool. Come back anytime. I'd love to do the pod whenever you'll have me. Go listen to the podcast. Come. I don't think we have anything else to plug.

Starting point is 02:11:48 I think we're actually done. Special coming soon, folks. More about that. soon and we'll talk to you next time. Bye.

Stavvy's World - #180 - Robert Smigel

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.