Stavvy's World - #183 - Carl Tart

Episode Date: June 1, 2026

Carl Tart joins the pod to discuss getting bullied by his cousins, using humor as a defense mechanism as a fat child, the various regional traditions of southern food, acting in corporate training videos, working as a bouncer, the dying days of millennial branding, and much more. Carl and Stav help callers including a dad who’s wondering if it’s okay to skip his 5-year-old daughter’s dance recital to go to a wrestling event in Atlantic City, and a woman who is pissed at her husband’s lackluster response to some sultry photos she sent him.   Follow Carl Tart on social media: https://www.instagram.com/dammitcarl   Thanks to our sponsor! https://www.twistedtea.com/locations Keep It Twisted!!   ☎️ Want to be a part of the show? Call 904-800-STAV and leave a voicemail to get advice!   🎟️ See Stavvy live on the Dreamboat Tour 🛥️💕!!! https://stavvy.biz/ for tickets   ‼️ Bonus episodes every week! Unlock exclusive, Patreon-only episodes at https://www.patreon.com/stavvysworld Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Upah! Welcome everybody to Stavvy's World 904-800 stop. Call in. We'll solve all your problems. On the couch today, we got my buddy Carl Tart. Carl, what's up, dog? What up, what up. Thanks for coming. I feel at home. I feel like grease. That's right, that's right. Like picking olives.

Yeah, hell yeah. Some fresh olive oil. What's the fresh olive oil you think you've ever had? I probably like some Bertoli. Yeah. Expans. No, I got that, I got a gift of, The green one with the, it looks like a glue bottle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So everybody's doing that one now.

I'm very skeptical of that one. Yeah. It seems like they're fucking, that seems like the last, that's the last millennial coated advertising thing that worked. You know what I mean? Remember where everything was like, you know, they were like, they had, like, they were rebranding. The funniest one was when they were, they just started rebranding metamusal.

Remember? And they were calling it Bloom or some shit. Oh, yes, yes. It was like, it was like, probiotic. And it was like, this, you know, the, the thing my grandmother drank. to shit. It's like this is just, we can't, everything can't be cool. Everything can't be, but so anyway, it's very funny that they're doing that with olive oil now. After a night at the bar, you need some fiber. Yeah. That's just, because we're like the old people now.

We are. That is true. Like the middle age people now. So they advertise it, but we still go out. 100%. We're not mature. So, well, I did, that's what I was thinking to where I was like, wow, this is really, I was like, like, I was on in a bar and the Nelly and Kelly Rowland song came on. Yeah. And like, to me, and it, hit me the way I assume old people hearing like a duop ballad hit them. Like to me I was like, oh, this is like the most romantic song in the world. To me, I'm hearing like a fucking opera about loving one. I only have us for you.

Like in my head, I'm like, that's what I want to play my wife. Yeah, it's crazy. And it's like the culture, the culture adjusting with us is really funny. It's nuts. Like, I'll be saying stuff. Also, I think our generation, because we're the same major. I'm 37. Exactly.

Yeah. And at work sometimes, I'll, like, make a reference that, like, all the old guys will laugh at. Right. And none of the young people will get it. And I'm like, well, I'm not there, right? That's tough, though. Because we watch TV growing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, the young kids don't know anything before. You know what I think it really is? I think it's actually the Simpsons. Because that's the marker. Because there's, like, our generation is, like, the most Simpsons-loving. Like, we were little-ass kids. Yeah. We were, like, as young as you could be to also kind of start getting it.

it, but there were references that we had no idea about. Yeah. And even Looney Toos. Like, we were watching shit from the fucking 30s and shit. Yeah. And so, like, but I do think the Simpsons kind of snuck in so many references. Like, I did, before I knew about Cape Fear, before I knew about, like, just any, you know, a bunch of fucking, you know, who Kennedy was. Mayor Quimby's basically based on Kennedy.

Like, they just had all this old shit that I think was kind of time stamped for all of us. Yeah. And yeah, now kids don't. I mean, I remember, like, when I was like, fuck, I have to change how I'm living. I was on a date with the girl. And I was like, I mentioned rush hour. And she was like, what's that? Yeah.

And she was like, who's Jackie Chan? And I was like, I have to get out of here. But some shit, though, it's crazy. Some shit like that is like, well, come on, man. Like, you know what that is. Yeah. But they don't. We are old, bro.

It's over. That's like somebody saying to you like, oh, this movie Rain Man. And you're like, rain, man. Yeah, yeah. I know what it is. I might not have seen it in theaters, but I know what it is. Like, Rush Hour came out late enough that you should. Unfortunately, it didn't.

It came out in the 90s, dude. Was it 90s? Was it 99? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. That's nuts. A lot of stuff that we think is old is just, or kind of new, we're so washed. It's over. And I know this physically because I'm sitting here with a broken arm and a thrown out back.

37 was forever the year. I was like, I'm old as fuck. I'm a piece of shit. I'm dying. And I'm going to do drugs to keep me alive. We hooped this weekend and, you know, I had to show the fellas what it was.

You know what I'm saying? I had to let them know. He, he. I had to, but then, like, after like four games, I was like, my hip. Yeah, yeah. My hip and my groin. I'm like, oh, shit.

Like, A, I got to lose weight. B, I got to, like, stretch. Like, not just before I play. Yeah. Well, now it's like, the worst thing in the world is that what, something we used to do for exercise is now a little treat for us.

Yeah. Like a pickup basketball game is something a 37-year-old man who's fat has to think about for 10 days beforehand. You have to start ramping up to it like you're running a marathon. Oh, dude. You have to like get to jump a couple times. The night before we had the after party. Yeah. And everybody's like, y'all want to do a shot?

I can't. I'm hooping tomorrow at two. In 12 hours, I have to play a leisurely game of pickup. I can't. I played in college. And I'm like, now I'm like, no. I played one year at college and then started doing comedy immediately after that. So, of course, it goes away.

Oh, totally. But listen, for comedy playing one year of college, you were like, you might as well be eight times all NBA. Oh, dude. How unathletic most comedians are. As much as I mentioned, my zero minutes in college basketball. My zero minutes, my basically a manager. Into the bench, full track suit on. As much as I mentioned that.

Hell yeah. Where'd you go? New Mexico Highlands. New Mexico Highlands? Division II did not play. What was the mascot? Cowboys. The Cowboys.

The New Mexico Highland Cowboys. Yeah. Colors? Purple and black. Which is kind of tough. Pretty sick. It was kind of tough. There were dudes on that team.

Like Division 2 guys, there were guys on that team who were like 26. Right, right, right, right. And the coolest guys. We would throw parties. 100%. It was, and we were terrible. Well, cool to you at the time. Yes.

But if you look back now, It's a guy who like eeked out one more year of eligibility to avoid his wife and children and they try and get pussy from 19 year olds. There was a dude who left the team. Shout out Aaron. He'd probably watching this. Like there was a dude who left the team who did who just stopped coming back. I hope he was okay.

Yeah, yeah. We kind of never heard from him again. But he just, I was like, you don't you don't you don't just leave like yeah. Yeah. And it's like, you do though. Yeah. We're playing for the New Mexico Highlands, Cowboys, D2. This is the kind of thing.

This is essentially a bowling league. Yeah. This is like this should be that serious in your life. Bro, it's like, I'm about to dip. Like, he just, he just dipped out. Respect. And shout out, shout out the homies, though. Sanchez.

There must have been. Billy. Sure. Billy's definitely probably watching this. What was Billy about? Billy was six foot eight from the Midwest. And we called him the bill dozer. Yeah.

And he was a great three-point shooter. Love that, dude. We had Elvis from Chicago. That's a, a colorful. little group you got here. Yeah, L-Train. Steve Shanks was our best player. Shout out of Steve Shanks. And then also getting a nickname is awesome. Justin Montoya, who was from the town. He's a Hooper. We were just talking the other day. Was there anybody who, like, thought pathetically that they were going to make the NBA? You know, well, Steve Shanks actually

did get some G-League looks. There you go. That's awesome. He was one of those dudes. I don't try to put his business out there, but he was one of those guys who was like played D-1 at a good school. And then something happened that he couldn't go back. Of course, of course, of course, of course. He came to the, he came to New Mexico. He was our leading score. He averaged like 30 points a game, like 25, 3 points of game. He was good at shit. That's fucking awesome.

So you must have been an athletic child. I was an athletic child. I played everything. That's awesome. But I wasn't never like great at nothing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I started playing football and baseball. I'm from Mississippi originally.

I started playing football and baseball when I was like six. And then I moved to L.A. when I was like nine and started playing basketball. And that was the coolest sport. But I played through high school and stuff. And it was, I was always. I was always great vibes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good locker room guy, absolutely.

I wasn't last to be picked. I definitely was not first. Sure, sure, sure, sure. But I was not last. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It wasn't last. It's very funny how, for me, too, because, like, I stopped.

I wasn't good at sports, but I played them through high school. You know what I mean? Yeah. And it's like, it's crazy how much you're just, you're sure you will play sports forever when you're a kid. And your entire life is shaped around teams. Yeah.

And it's just, you never do that again. No. Like, as a teenager, I had the schedule of, like, of someone who plays pro sports. Oh, I was out. When you're on a football team, the high school football team. Seven to seven. Yeah, it's hilarious. You leave, you leave your house in the morning at 6.50, you don't come home until 8 o'clock.

Yeah. And your parents don't care. Yeah. They just know where you are. Right, right, right. Like, that, I miss it so much. Who was the, who was the guy? Do you remember the guys that were like the guys that, when you saw them, you went, oh, I'm done after this.

Well, see, that's the thing, though, for football, you could delude yourself as a fat guy. Yeah. Because it was so being on the line, you kind of, you could, what I did, if you just looked at video of me playing and like, Hologina playing, it doesn't look that different. Because it's just two fat kids who aren't that athletic going at each other, right? But we had kids in like, I had, you know, I was, my high school team, our quarterback, he was one of those, like, quarterback who's also the safety that also returns

punts. But to me, I was like, oh, I'm the D-line version. of that guy. Like, this guy played in the NFL, but I was like, yeah, I'm pretty much like that. I'm 5'7. I'm 5'7.

I cannot bench press. Like, I had never benched. I came from soccer, our coach. I've told this story before, but I always dreamed to playing football, but immigrant family to them

that's like American barbarism, they're like, these motherfuckers just smash their heads into each other. Like my parents literally, my mom, my mom, shout out to her very early on CTE.

She was like, she was like, they let children do. She was horrified. And we shouldn't. Yeah. Truly we shouldn't. But she was horrified when I asked to play Pee We football.

She never let me. And then our junior, my, my, I was playing JV soccer and our coach gave a child pornography. And they dissolved the JV soccer team. And kind of as a like, hey, we're all cool here guys. Like everybody, the school wanted to keep it hush, hush. They're like, you guys can play any sport you want this fall. You have the eligibility. So I got to pretend.

And I played football lying to my mom that I was on the soccer team. I was kind of doing like a mischievous little Disney movie thing where it was like, it was actually it was kind of the water boy. I basically was the water boy. My sophomore year where I was like, ah, another great soccer practice, mom. And then eventually I was like, actually, mom did. What made it easier to tell her that he gave him pornography was that this same guy robbed my church. It was a very funny, it was a really funny coincidence where this guy who was,

disgraced in our community because he literally robbed our church. She just showed up as my JV soccer coach. And it was awesome because I also had leverage on him because I was like, nobody's got to know what your background. Listen, as long as I'm getting minutes, I keep my mouth shut.

That's how I started. It was like some guy tried to give a kid pornography and that's why I got to play football. And that was like, to me it was like a very, that was my dream come true of like, wow, I'm getting dead. I'm getting to do this like I'm a real All-American boy

You know what I mean How's your mom find out When the bear Brian came to your door Now miss, ma'am I don't mean to take him too much of your time But you should let your boy come on down to Alabama He's got something good He's got a gift Now miss we need all the discard

Our trash compactor is down We need somebody we can sweep up all the leftovers To a thing He just hold his mouth at the end of the table And we tilt it up but he just sucks up all the debris of lunch. All kind of hot dogs and hamburgers and grits and bacon and eggs. Man, I've never seen a boy eat with the veracity of your son.

Yeah, that's exactly right. Is that a craft single he's putting on that spaghetti? Wow. Good God Almighty. Goodness gracious snakes are alive. Oh, fuck, dude, yeah. It was, I basically just one day, I was like, by the way, I'm playing football. And she was like, all right, whatever.

And then she started coming to the games. and she did the very, she's a very supportive mom, but she does not understand football. Yeah. And I would kick off because I came from the soccer team, just like the fat of de-lined me kicking off. And she would cheer at every kickoff. She thought that was me scoring a goal, I guess.

She said, but it was fun, dude, you know. My mom begged me to play football. Really? She, because I was like a soft, goofy kid. Yeah. She was like, you got to get some. Every time you fall, you crying, you got to, you got to get some. Did you have like a big family in Mississippi?

Yeah. So you were must, so, yeah, because I assume when you're from, in a big-ass family, you kind of, what roles you play? You must have played like the fun, goofy kid. Yeah. Yeah, no, I was like goofy and quoting cartoons and all that type of stuff. My cousins would bully the shit out of me, and I was bigger than all of them. Like, I was taller and bigger, and my little cousins would just beat the shit out of me.

They're not little. They were a little bit older than me. We were basically the same age, like two, three years older. But they were tiny compared to me. I was such a big kid. I was 18 Husky at Kmart. Hell, yeah. And so they would beat the shit out of me,

and I would just go run to my grandma crying. And my auntie would be like, now you need to get that little boy in football. Because he's going to grow up to be a sissy. He's going to be a sissy. You got to let him play football. Why are you saying that about? I was just a little kid.

Just a 7-year-old who's watching Inspector Gadget. They're like, he's going to be gay unless you don't, unless he doesn't push his head up against the wall. And my dad, my dad played, like, he played practice squad pro. Like, he had a cup of coffee with the Saints. with Denver. So it was in the bloodline. Right, right, right.

We were a football family. We're all very large people, like naturally strong and stuff. And so I, and me just running around just, I remember one time, like, this sticks out of my head because I don't think I was this weird of a kid. Sure. But, like, I was upset. I had my mom. I was obsessed with, like, lawnmowers and stuff.

And so I had a stick that was shaped like a weed eater. And I was, like, going around a tree. And these boys came into just like, hey, man, what you're doing? And I was like, weed eating. And they was like, man, let's go, man. What are you having an imagination, you fucking pussy? Stop imagining shit. Dude, that was the same shit at Greektown.

I got made fun of for getting a scholarship to college. They were like, you're going to college pussy? Because these were all guys who were like, they would just work at their father's restaurant. Yeah. Like, they knew from the moment they were born. They would sell cheese steaks in low-income areas. That was the whole thing. And they were rich, like, you know, they had the next tell.

They had, you know, they had like hundreds of dollars. But it was very funny. What you'll get bullied for is awesome. Yeah. Just fucking imagining weed whacking. Oh, dude, black people bully you for everything. You got, like, you, like, literally it's raining outside. This thing got an umbrella.

Like, damn. What? And everybody busts up laughing. Like, it's the funny. Yeah. It's like, damn. Well, what I love about it is, like, it's kind of a, you can get, made fun of for anything, but it's really

just, uh, you, everyone is taking an opportunity to kind of check each other. Yeah. Because it's like, the dumber you make fun, the less it's deserved, it's kind of a heat check. Yeah. Like you single out the biggest dork. And you can get away with saying anything towards him, but you have

to be very specific to like, to dethrone the coolest kid. Yes. So it's sort of really just about social currency. Yeah. Each fucking roast is just like, and if you're really good at him, you can still, you can kind of be David versus Goliath? And I was not.

Yeah. I was not a roasting kid. It was something about me that didn't want to be mean. Of course. Like I was not, I was a funny kid. I was goofy. Everybody thought I was funny in class and shit like that. But at the roast table, man, I was ass.

Ass. Were you at the roast table? Were you? I could do. Yeah. You could fuck some people up. I could get into the zone. It was like if I was feel, it was more like if I got in the zone, I was like,

I really could fuck some people up. Yeah. But it was that thing. where sometimes I feel bad because it's like, what are the odds that the guy bullying you would go on to just make a, make a, like, living at it. Yes, exactly. You know, like, I kind of feel bad for some, sometimes,

because it was like, sometimes something would get in my system and I just would have to. You had to tear it up. I would just have to do it. And I felt bad. Like, it was what, it really was like that 30 rock episode where Tina Faye thinks she's the victim of everything. Yes.

And then, like, I met a guy 10 years later. He was like, dude, you fucking bullied me, Mercer. I was like, well, you were my boy, dude. We were fucking having fun at lunch. She was like, you were a piece of, he was like, I was scared. I was like, what? Just because I, you know, I don't even, I just, he was a ugly person. I'll get, you know what I mean?

He did have some fucked up teeth. But a nice guy, sweet guy. And to his credit, he got, we went to a senior trip. He got pussy and I didn't. See? So it's like, the Lord did, you know, punish me for my wicked ways. Never worded him? I was punished by, actually, now that I think about it, I don't feel better about being a bully anymore because I didn't get any pussy as a child.

So it's like, it feels. It was only when I let go... That's actually interesting. Only when I let go of my bullying ways did I get pussy. The meeks shall inherit the coochie. But I think it was just a survival thing

where you just had to... It's funny that you couldn't get into because it was like, I don't think I was naturally good at it either because I do, like, you know, even as comics, I don't really like the roast. I think the roast joke shit

is a little formulaic, whatever. But even like, worse than that is like when people are just getting going and tearing at each other. It's like, that can be fucking scary. Dude. And I'm so glad I missed the like, I would have, I mean, part of it was I did get, I got put a little in the fucking bullying, uh, fucking rinse the cycle by like, I opened for Bobby Kelly for years. And it was like, he's just the most classic bullying the week.

You know what I mean? Like, like grew up in fucking, uh, uh, he was, he was in juvie, like from the age of 14. You know what I mean? Like this motherfucker, he really, and I got mercilessly bullied by him, and I think it, you know, got a little out of the system, but I'm glad I missed the tough crowd days. Oh, man. I would not have survived that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No chance. He would have liked me at all.

Yeah. There's no chance. I watched this documentary recently. It was, it was like, oh, man, maybe this guy wasn't so great. But also, like, I still love his work, and I still, he's the best. He's the, like, truly like, even watching the doc it. It was like so many emotions I went through watching it. Of course. Because it was like, you know, you, I'd love that guy. Like when I was, when I was growing up, I ingested everything.

When you two came out and all those Opie and Anthony and I was not fucking with them. But like I loved. When Patrice would come on. Yeah. And you just want to hear everything. And effortlessly funny talker. Bro. Effortless like just in a, and like a brain that you just go, how do people think of stuff like that? How do you think of that? And then you watch that doc and you hear like a woman be like, he was awful to me at all. Right, right, right. Oh, shit. Yeah, that's no good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you can see it now from a lens of, like, being older. Because when I was 20, I definitely was probably repeating a crazy misogynistic shit. But yeah, that is, that's actually a great lesson, though, because it's like, he made great work, but you don't have to agree with everything you fucking said. Exactly. How is it any more difficult than that for people to be like,

no, it's actually just not allowed to ever. You're never allowed. It's like, come on, man. You got to see. Watch elephant in the room. It's fucking fantastic. And tell me that's not awesome. Speaking of high school football,

maybe the best high school football joke of all time where he's talking about the difference where it's like, you know, they're doing like a prayer circle now if a kid, if a kid like sprains his ankle and he was like, when I played, he was like, you wanted to fucking kill people. He'd be like, he's paralyzed.

We used to take his sock, tied around our head, like, yeah, yeah. That was one of my favorite. You go to his mom and he was like, yeah, bitch, that's what you get for bring your son around killers. I told you not to bring him out here. Man, that was good. That's good stuff.

No, I think that was one of the things like people like him thrive at the roasting table. Of course. But I think we have the same, because I was also like crazy insecure, like putting on the front. So I think my thing about not want to roast because it was kind of like a, if I start this, they're going to come at meeting. Yeah. And I don't think I got the wherewithal. Yeah. Don't let a girl start to roast

Because I couldn't I couldn't say nothing back Like I was raised by a single mom I couldn't say nothing back to the girl At home I'd be like fucking ballheaded bitch you know You know And but I was like I can't say that to that girl

Like Like you know So I just I was like maybe if I'm I'd learn self deprecation very early Right me too I would point shit out about myself That was the yes That was the go to as a fat kid

100% So that was your movie You would just kind of beat them to the punch I would beat them to the punch And it kind of kept me around in the popular circles or like in the, like the girls would be cool. You know what I mean? Like I remember we went on a basketball trip one time in high school and we had brought these girls back to our room. And we were all up in there.

And the homies ran out of things. The homies that brought the girls back because it wasn't me. I was definitely not. And they like ran out of shit to say to them. And they were like, hey, Carl, tell a story. And so I'm like on the floor in front of the beds while they're up on the beds with the girls. I'm on the floor on my palate being like, all right. And probably repeated some Patrice O'Neill's here.

Of course, of course. Like, probably said, like, something like that. Like, probably said some joke that I'd heard on premium blend. Yeah. But literally, it was, that's the way you would buy your way into the upper social circles as an insecure fat kid. Yeah. Is that you're the jester.

Yeah. You were literally tap dancing while they got pussy. Yeah. You were the night's entertainment. You're like, here we're, well, ladies and gentlemen, and they're like finger popping. They make their finger banging. I'll be back.

I'll be down here if you need anything. And I'm like, man, there's always a bodega cat. I ain't never been in New York. There's always a cat on the bread. I don't know what I'm talking about. You know what's crazy? Like by the time I got to like junior year, I got real skinny. Oh, really?

But that mentality never went away. Really? Because I went from being the fat kid. Yeah. Once I got, I hit like a growth spurt between the summer between sophomore and junior year. I grew from like 511 to 6 to 6, 6, 3. like where and lost just like lost all that weight over summer football practice just lost everything but that was still because then I also went for like being like

like Ethiopian skinny you know what I mean where I didn't have no I didn't have no muscle on me no man no mass yeah yeah that's dude you got the you got the fabled you got every fat child's dream what you're disguised like the sophomore to junior gave five inches of height was like you don't understand how much I prayed for it how first of all how sure you I was, it was coming. Yeah. For years, I was like, well, any day now, the growth of the spurts coming. I'm going to lose this baby fat.

Like how long it took me to realize no one was coming to save me? I was like, this is it, man. This is not. I kept being like, okay. Even in college, I was in college being like, any day now. I'm just to, because I would cling on to like Dennis Rodman's story. Yeah. So, well, Dennis Rodman fucking.

He was 5'10. It grew to 6-8. Yeah, yeah. In college, I mean, that's me. Yeah. And it's just never happened. I Googled so many, like, how do you do that? Yeah, yeah.

Is there like an H-G-H? I was trying my best because in basketball, I played, like, power forward. Yeah. And everybody would say, well, when you get to college, you're going to have to switch to guard. Right. And one of the reasons I didn't play because that transition was not easy. I did. And I was like, man, what could I do?

Like, just to get, if I could get to 6-6, then I'd be set because I could be like a Charles Barkley. Sure. You know, like just a brute, like I'm shorter, but I'm still. Yeah. Nah, man, I was trying to think of anything. I was like, man, how are all these guys this tall? And then you hear about the Dennis Robin story, 5-8, 5-11 to 6-8. It's like, come on, man, that's got to be a, what can I get struck by lightning to get that?

Something's got to be horrible. Yeah, that's a once-in-a-law. I mean, even Anthony Davis had happened to. Yeah. But, again, it was never going to happen for me. I just, but, dude, it's just crazy because there was, as a kid, I remember being so sure my life was going to be awesome. And it's just every year realizing, like, wait, this actually sucks dick

my family's so poor I remember realizing we were poor and then realizing I was never gonna not like I was like I was never this wasn't baby fat and the fact that I was like I was never getting taller it all hit around the same time

it was all around the end of high school where it's like you're filling out FAFSA and you're actually looking at the numbers and you're like oh my God how the fuck are the lights on in this house right now my mom gives me $2 a day to buy hot Cheetos and a Gatorade at 7-11

And that's not enough. Yeah. Yeah. I have to, like, save my $2 from the day before to have four. Of course. Yeah, you, that's what I was asking you earlier about who were the guys who, because I played against a lot of guys who eventually went pro. Yeah.

Like, who became great. Like, Hardin and Westbrook and all these guys. Oh, right. Because you were in L.A. Yeah, yeah. And L.A. has incredible fucking high school basketball. There's guys who didn't go pro. Yeah, yeah.

Who you just, or guys who went pro and you're like, how did that guy do it? Yeah, yeah. Like Solomon Hill was a, I played against him. He was good. Like he was on the best teams on Fairfax and he was good. But there were other guys on that team who you thought were going to be like, oh, that guy's going to the league and stuff like that. And you play against them and they do stuff to you that you go, oh, there's no way.

I can't. Like maybe I can play in college. And then you go, maybe I can play D3. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that dream just fades. Totally, dude. And then all of a sudden you're fucking, damn, I'm 23. I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

But I'm also jealous of athletes because like Imagine like some like LeBron As a per example he's 41 He's never changed Like the way we thought is children How awesome it must be For the thing you think when you're four You just never have to change that

Yeah Like he never had this realization There's never a moment LeBron's life Where his dreams couldn't come true That's got to feel so awesome It's got to feel amazing But it also got to feel insane Because you can't go anywhere

That's true But I just mean like you Yes I mean I don't mean getting that fame That's a whole different thing. But I just mean like just picking correctly at four your life, your whole life trajectory. And now at 41, you got to be like, I guess I got to have different life experience of shit. I guess I got to open up my horizons.

But, you know. Let me ask you this, though. Did you not ever think like comedy? Because I loved it so much growing up. But remember, I told you, I was insecure. So I was like, well, I would never, I can't be what these guys are. I can't do what Kat Williams is doing when he had all those specials. And I was in high school's like, I can't do that, but I love this.

And I watched everything. I watched everything, comedy specials, everything on Comedy Central, everything. Whose Line is in any way? Everything that was funny on television. Watched S&L every week. Watch Mad TV. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Watch everything.

Watch Comic View, Def Jam. And I'm thankful for my family and stuff being, my parents had me really young. So I was at the babysitter at my teenage cousin's house a lot. Yeah, yeah. I'm getting to see shit you weren't supposed to do. Exactly. Like five years old watching Charlie Barnett, like, pour the water bottle on a woman in the crowd. Just being like, what is this?

Like, you know what I mean? Like, so, like, I, it was always something that I felt like I wanted to do. Yeah, I guess on some level I did. But it was the kind of thing where you just never, there was no, like, pee-wee stand-up. No. You know what I mean? There was no, like, trying it. So it was the kind of thing where I'm like, I'm just jealous of it.

Because it must be, not even jealous. It must be insane. Yeah. To not have to think about your neck. Like us having this realization as children, like, oh, I guess we're not going to be athletes. They have it in their 40s or 30s. Yeah.

That's got to be insane. Yeah. It's got to be insane to be like, like, the first time we got into like literally anything. Like comedy being the second. Everyone starts wanting to be a fucking athlete or like a musician or some shit. When you're a little ass kid, yeah, exactly. You want to be famous for like the basic shit. And it must be cool to never have to change the first.

first one. I think sports must be the eldest, did you ever, because you were never a sports guy, did you ever have an outlandish, childish dream of what you wanted to be? Or do Albanians not have dreams?

I didn't really have dreams. I was just kind of like, well, one day I'll like, you know, get a solid job. Really? You never had anything like crazy.

I was always interested in like comedy and some level. I didn't know if I wanted to perform, but I was like a big comedy nerd. That's true. That's true. And also writing, but I just never. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You were a real literary ass pussy. That is true. You should write a book. I know. You already have one? No, I don't. You actually should. I've written a few things over the years that I like published in some small shit. But I don't know. I just never really. I should. I feel stupid because I'm like, well, writing, that's like the lowest barrier to entry. Of course. You don't really need to do shit. Tell me about it.

You just have to like try hard at something. It's not like millions of people are clamoring to, like, write and publish it. Of course. Who knows? Maybe I will hear. You should start doing an essay. Isn't it so, isn't it hilarious that the way the world has become, it's like, an accomplished writer has less of a demand. Like, if you start producing essays as the producer of Stavi's world, it would get more traction online than like a famous essayist, probably. They're like, what is the Albanian from

Stopi's world think about fucking, I don't know, chocolate chip cookies. I know, it is funny. It's like, yeah, you just need like some kind of social media profile to do anything now. Anything in this world, it's so stupid. Yeah. So maybe I will. Writer, that is true.

You fucking love the right. That was, it is. Big book nerd. Even within door, like our friend group was all dorks. Eldis was the biggest dork probably. You're from Baltimore too? Yes, I am. Yeah, we grew up together.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Family moved to. County in fifth grade, but grew up in the city, you know. Yeah, briefly, eldest. Eldis, eldest, his very early childhood was the most ratchet, but then he went, he went into the burbs.

Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I like Baltimore. I'll tell you, too much work for them crabs, though. At the spot by the water, it was a nice vibe. They had a band come out there. Ooh. I bought, we bought like a dozen for 144 bucks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Picking little. But that's what it's about. It's not about having a, the crabs are not going to feed, fill you. It's the experience of you have fucking 10 beers over an afternoon. You know what I mean?

The breeze is, you know, you order some shrimp, you order some scallops also. You get some, you get some sides. And then it's really the hang. The hang is what crabs are about. And it was a, it was a fun hang. I'll get you there. It was a little bit too much money for a hang. It is a little much. Because I'm from, like, I'm from the Gulf Coast

Mississippi and so like we're big, big on seafood. True. And just like throwing out laying out the newspaper and just dumping. Right. And so it feels Maybe it is just as expensive, but it don't feel the boil. I don't want to see a fuck. I don't like those potatoes in the boil. Fucking delicious, bro.

You're tripping. You know what I would love? Boil them and then finish them in an oven. Embute them with the taste of a seafood boil. Spray them with a little avocado spray. Smash them down. Put them in a fucking air fryer or fry them. Now we're cooking with fucking gas.

That ain't what we do. We're cooking with jet fuel. if we're doing that. You take the shell out that shrimp, put it on top of the potato, eat them at the same time. It's a texture problem for me. I feel you. It's a big, and I love all those ingredients. Some of my favorite things in the world. If you give me all those things in that boil, I still want the seafood done that way. Yeah. But you smash up that potato and then grill the corn. I'm so in there. Okay. But I need it. I need Chris. You need it to be separate. There's, to me, the, the, the, like, southern seafood tradition feels very, like, for all, it's like, you have no, it's like somebody with no teeth invented it.

Everything's boiled to shit. Okay. You know what I'm saying? And it's like, I just need, I need a little, I need you, I need you to give me some different textures here. I will not agree with this. Especially after having seafood in Baltimore. I was, I was excited. I was open-minded.

Right, right, right, right, right. Man. Do you have a crab cake? Yeah. It was good. All right. It was good. But, like, we make that too.

New Orleans, come on, man. You got, I'm sorry. I can't, I hate the. Crawfish are fucking bugs, by the way. Yeah, delicious. They're little as fuck. Fucking full of shit. Yeah.

Crab is a much better type of meat. I'm just saying it's... We got crabs, too, though. We got, you know, blue crab. All right, all right. Okay, all right. Steam crab. We do everything down.

All right, I'll give you that. And you get it all out of a fucking pile of mud. A hush puppy, you got to get in the mix for that stuff. Yeah, that's where you get the fried, though. the fried thing. You get the fried plate and ain't nothing like, just all you need some shrimp, fries, some hush puppies. In terms of fried seafood, you will hear no qualms out of me. It's simply the boil that I have, that I just think with a couple tweaks, it's so good. Fair enough. Because it's, look, I get it. It started from just this is your poor, it's literally poor people

just fucking throwing a bunch of random shit in a pot. And I get that. We don't have to live like that anymore. So much salt. Make a horse heart pop. Yeah, exactly. That I love. Oh, dude, see what those motherfuckers are putting in there? Come on, man. When they're putting fucking so much butter. Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? You can encase yourself in butter. There's that one dude I like on TikTok and you two who just pours all this Tampico. Oh, shit. You put oranges. We put lemons. He boys it in Tampico. He goes, he's platinum.

We got that platinum ball. I love this guy. He puts Tampico. He boys. And I just be looking at that shit. I'd be looking at that. work. They're like, hey, you got that sketch? And I'd be like, wait, hey, give me a second. I know that, I know that Tampico got them crawfish popping. I know it's good.

Hold on a second. Why the fuck when you put Tampico in there, dude? The soy seasoning, I don't know what. It's salt. It's like a salt and the sweet situation. I guess, man. I, I mean, the citrus cuts down on the salt and stuff like there is not an ounce of real citrus in Tampico, dude. You know, citrus. It's fucking, it's, it's, it's sunny D. If Sunny D is too healthy for you. It's like, if, Tampico,

for those you don't know, Tampico makes Sunny D feel like, like Tampico to Sunny D is soda to seltzer. Yeah.

Like, Sunny D is a light, refreshing, barely sweet drink compared to Tampico punch. If you eating pancakes and you ran out a surf at your house,

you can pour some Tampico on it. That's how thick it is. Oh my God. Dude, I used to fucking love that shit. Man, Tampico. You would put ice

in Tampico would completely disappear. Yeah. It would complete, you wouldn't be able, it wouldn't float. It would have, it had some weird buoyant, I don't know, the, the chemistry of it, the, you know, whatever, the molecular makeup. The buoyancy was odd, where the ice would float just under the surface and be completely hidden. It's like Hawaiian Punch. Hawaiian Punch never gets cold.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I just still warm. Fuck. I used to love Tampeko. But putting food in it, this is, this makes, that's ridiculous. I bet you is good.

I watch, it's something. He's explained it before, and I can't remember why he does it now. I bet there's so many chemicals that he knows the break. He's probably on top of that shit. And he knows that it actually weirdly is a great, like, marinade for scientific reasons. That's why, because you do marinade stuff and, like, orange juice and stuff like that. So I think he just used it, Tanpico, maybe it was cheaper.

And he finds, like, wait a minute, this tastes actually really good. This got some extra stuff in it. Because I know my dad has, like, put orange juice in seafood boils before, like, real orange juice. Yes, yes, absolutely. The real juice, I'm with him 100%. That is, is that like the, what's like your, what's like a nice special occasion meal? Is that like a holiday meal, a boil? Or what would you do?

Just like family getting together. Just like, get together. So like, where we're from, like, we barbecue, but like, it's more about the seafood. So everything's fried. A lot of more, a lot more fries stuff. So you go to the, you go to the, we have fish fries. Yeah, we have cookouts. Oh, yeah.

And it's fish fries. And, you know, everybody, we don't caught the fish that day or something like that. And everybody, either the, the women cook it. Like, sorry to the woke As nature intended. Like, you go out, you catch the fish, you bring it home, and all your aunties and everybody just cook it up. Yeah.

And then it's perfect. And you got just fried everything and then, you know, somebody will do a boil or something like that. Gumbo is the Christmas. Gumbo for Christmas. Hell yeah, dude. I love that. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Respect. Yeah. And the Thanksgiving, we're talking straight turkey. Turkey dressing, mac and cheese, yams, cornbread greens, all that. all the fixings, we do red beans and rice and also probably fried some chicken.

Hell yeah, dude. Fuck, yeah. I know. I honestly was mad. I remember a couple things, he was like, I wish Popeyes was open. Yeah.

Because to me, whatever turkey does, fried chicken does 1,000 times more. Have you had their turkey? I have it. I actually have, it's pretty fucking good. It's good.

But I haven't done it for like one time I went to a Thanksgiving that had it late. So I kind of had it after, you know what I mean? It had been picked through. but it did, it did, you know, peak my interest. Yeah. But still, just the ratio of fried to unfried meat is too low. A turkey's too large.

Yeah, we fried a turkey. Like, me and my dad will fry, like, three turkeys. Hell, yeah. It's so much fun. Oh, that's fucking sick. Yeah, I'm love, so, so you're, so you're, so you're, so you're, so you're, so you're, so you still have a lot of family back in, like, Mississippi. Yeah, I'm going to, like, two weeks.

Okay. My, my dad, my, my, my, my whole dad's side still there. Gotcha. So I'm going from my little cousin's high school graduation. And there probably will be. all of this stuff I'm talking about right now to celebrate that after. The fish fry is something that, of everything you've said,

the fish fry is the thing that really I need to scheme on. I need to figure out my own because I'm a big calamari guy. Yeah. An idea of getting a nice fucking fish fry going sounds awesome. I don't know what we...

We probably have to fry whiting out here. Every time I see a fish place, they always got whiting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think that's like... We up here on there, man. There's a bunch of shit. No, you get some cod in there a little bit.

I don't know if you're like a cod guy. Nah. No. Yeah. Two New England coated of a fish. Pollock. Yeah. Wild Alaskan.

Salmon, I don't want to fry. It's too fatty already. Yeah. I think white fish is what needs to be fried. White fish needs to be fried. It's a red snapper. Red snapper's good fried too. But we do catfish and bluegill and crappy and stuff like that where I'm from.

Yeah. Dude, yeah, that's fucking awesome. Because the best, the best thing Greeks have is the, like, barbecuing the whole lamb on a spit. That shit looked good as hell. Yeah. And I will, I keep working on Easter. but next year I promise to have to

host a I've, that's the final thing I need to figure out in terms of feel like I've, I've become a man is do a whole lamb

once for Easter. That would be dope. Did you ever go to that Slovakie place? Yeah, the one around here is pretty, it's okay. We order it for lunch sometimes.

I got it, I have to do, I used to live in Queens so it was like the fucking the Greek food was out of control. It was so good. I have to start doing

some investigations in Manhattan to, I think I'm going to do it, I think I'm going to have a, I think it would be fucked up unless I have an encyclopedic knowledge of the Greek restaurants in New York. I think I need to have my...

I need to publish my guide for Greek restaurants in New York and I think that that would be a big public service I could do. I will say this about the soul food here. Yeah. Yeah. This is going to cause a lot of problems.

Yeah. And it's not my general New York like hate. Yes. But every time I've tried it here, it just ain't hit like this. Yeah. Listen, I'm not going to fight you on that. You're from the South. Yeah. Like, it's like anyone who would, like, we, it's, it's one of those things where it's like, if somebody from fucking L.A. says they haven't gotten a good burrito here.

Good taco. I'm not fighting them on it. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like, I fully, fully, you know, it's like, even the, like, even in my very limited experiences of, like, having like the famous going to Harlem and having like the famous fried chicken spot versus the famous New Orleans fried chicken spot. It's like it ain't the same. It's just not the same.

It's just not the same. It ain't the worst thing I've ever eaten. It's not bad. It's good. Yeah. But people, the thing that pissed me off by New York and with food stuff is like, I'll say that. I'll be like, man, I just haven't had like a really good soul food meal. And people go, dude, you live in Brooklyn. Just get some Jamaica food. I said, bitch, I didn't ask for that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I said I wanted Jamaican food, I can. get that. I told you what I want. Yeah, yeah. Well, it is funny for them to just sort of basically in their head making the argument of like, he's just, he means black food. We do have good black food here.

It's great. The Caribbean food's fantastic. I didn't ask for that. Oh, fuck. I like a Jamaican patty every now and then. The patty's nice. I didn't grow up like just like housing Jamaican food. So it's not like my go-to.

Like, I'll eat it. I'm not saying it's bad. but I like it ain't just it ain't like it don't hit the spot that I'm trying to hit when I'm trying to hit that spot. Yeah I know you mean my I as a kid one time because my dad he did a lot of his business. He was a carpenter. He repaired a lot of restaurants. One time as a kid, and sometimes he would just bring random shit from restaurants home like they had over like one time he had like a bucket of maraschino cherries. It was the greatest thing as a fat seven year old.

Are you kidding me? Before they they they they they they remember when they sat down to tell me like, by the way, in the back fridge, there's, like, I had already known about them. I'd already housed half the fucking thing. I didn't pretend I didn't know. But one time, and sometimes you would bring home, like, you know, cases of, like, like, we always had that frozen gyro meat in my house, like, those little strips. Yeah.

Like, low-grade gyro, whatever. But I had that all the time. But one time, I had no, and we had no cultural. I was not, like, the only other cuisines I knew about, and either cultures was, like, Chinese and pizza. That was it. one time a box of Jamaican patties just appeared just I guess some restaurant he was working for

just gave him to him and it was like a weird oasis and like they appeared around was like nine and for years I thought I like imagined them and then I remember finding them in college and being like this is the fucking best day of my life I didn't know what they were and there was no internet even you can't Google like

yellow pocket of beef my dad my dad gave me when I was 10 Like that it was and it was just beautiful getting Reintroduced to Yeah, To patties for sure But did you ever get in trouble

For doing some fat shit Like constantly For me it was When I discovered Putting Cake icing On Graham crackers Oh yeah

Oh yeah We call that a homemade dunkeroo Yeah We call that a dunkeroo from scratch My grandma She thought she had that icing in the free and went to go put it on a cake,

like she was making a cake for something. She said, I know you, I know you fucking line. And she knew exactly who had done it. It probably was over like three months, you know. And I'm like, this ain't going to bother. This ain't going to bother nobody.

It's been in here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's been in here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, who's caring about this? I never see anybody use it. I never see anybody go for it. Nobody ever uses it.

It was the vanilla of cream cheese. icing and I had some graham crackers and one time I made a I put it on white bread and made a sandwich out of that. That was some real... Oh, that's awesome stuff right there. That was another reason why they made me play football. He needed to get his ass out and run. Especially because we're talking about there's probably

how many cousins that it could have been theoretically. Yeah, a lot. The fact that they knew it was you? They knew it was me. Yeah. They knew it was me. I used to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with no peanut butter. I did not like peanut butter as a kid. I did not get, it was just jelly and bread. So were you at the like,

of the cousin power rankings, were you at the bottom, would you say? Yeah, I was the baby. Yeah, oh, you were the baby. I was like a baby in the family. Not by a ton, like, because I have, like, my cousin Jonas is one year older than me. My cousin Nick is two years older than me.

But like, I was the baby. I was coddled. Yeah. And my mom had me young. So after everybody was like mad at her for getting pregnant. Right, right, right. They immediately went like, we have to protect their raise. And it was nothing but women around.

And so I was. Connell, and then, like, once I got to, like, seven and was running around the house, like I said, being goofy and doing jokes and singing and stuff like that. They was like, I don't know, he need to go. He need to play football. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess they probably did, they probably, you know, they're happy, you know, because you are, you were both goofy and, you know, you didn't turn out to be a fucking coward or anything like that.

They really don't know what I do now. Yeah. So it is, it's kind of okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, hey, he's deep. He didn't ask us for no money. Yeah. We don't need any follow-up questions.

That is true. It's very hard to explain, like, especially TV writing. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like, in podcasts. Those are two of the, like, fakesest things to explain to anyone. Well, how do I listen to it? And I go, don't.

Yeah, please never do. No, don't listen to. For the love of God, never do. I'm so lucky there's a great. I mean, the language barrier is not that. I mean, my Greek family understands English. Yeah. But still, there's so many hours of just, like,

talking in English. Yeah. I'm so happy it's not in Greek. I'm so happy it's not that accessible to them. Yeah. Because some of, yeah, you know, you just say wild shit. They'll, like, the only things that my family will see me on is like the most random shit. I did.

Hey, man. Hey, man. So I got the new job, right? And we had to watch a training video. Man, that's you and that? I'm like, I did a, I did, like, corporate training videos for like 60 bucks a day in 2009. and they still play them. I look 20 years younger.

That's fucking hilarious. And they still playing them. They're like, man, I saw you in that thing. Man, I was fixing some lightning at the Scientology Building. And I saw you. Because I did some science. I used to do all them like actors access doing Scientology videos and corporates. You're telling people about their fucking Theaton levels and shit?

Yeah. I remember I played like an African Dignatarian one. where like I was standing there and I was like yelling at one of my cohorts. Were you doing the voice? Were you doing the Will Smith? Yeah. What are you doing? Tell the truth. What are you doing? Yeah. But it was like they didn't

use it. It was just like for like, you know, Scientology brings us together, blah, blah, blah. Like me. Yeah, and it was like me doing it. And it was like, you can still, and I'm like, what is this? What is this? And they like hand me diionetics. And I'm like, oh, thank you. Yes. And it cures you of your African anger.

It can calm even the most rambunctious Africans. That's the power of Scientology. I am okay now. Thank you, John Travolta. That's literally what I used to do all that shit for, that's how I was making money when I first started. Corporate videos where I'm like the guy who is like standing at the water cooler being like, damn, Sheila, those tithies are looking great today.

I can smell your pussy from here. And Daddy likes. Was Craig wrong about this? He always has like those generic black names. Of course, of course. Yeah, yeah. Was Donovan wrong to say that to Sheila? That's fucking awesome. Yeah, I mean, I had, I basically just wrote for a dumb, like a bad website,

but I did not have any crazy bad. I was just doing so much, I was just like doing dumbass stand-up and then, and then podcasting. Yeah. Podcasts are really said it all. Salute. Salute. I still cannot believe how this happened.

I still can't believe. Because it's like, you know, you have those shitty first few years. For me, it was New York for years L.A. And then it was like, just podcast started making money. I was like, oh, I guess this will be good. This is just paying my rent. And then it was like, whoa, what the fuck? Yeah.

I guess this is how people fucking do everything now. And it's different from me because I don't do like stand up. Right. Like on my own stuff. Like, and improv doesn't tour that much. Yeah. But, like, I still say you, you, you, Gaberson, Mitch, need to fucking put together the... We've been talking, we've been in a group chat talking about it for years.

That would be... I'm going to make you motherfuckers do this. It pisses me off that you guys don't tour on your own. We should. We should be tour. And make the money yourselves instead of like, you know, any type... Group stuff is all great, but it's like, that's the best part about stand-up. It's one fucking guy.

And then you pay eldest $20 a day, you know, to haul all your suitcases. and set up the cameras and it's fucking awesome. People, yeah, no, we definitely should. Sorry, you were saying like... No, no, no. Just because I don't... Because I'm not so front-facing

and because a lot of the TV work I've done like comedy podcast nerds don't watch. Right. And so, like, they'll, like, hear about me being at SNL now and go, man, you really made it. Right. I'm so happy to see all your successes.

Right. And I go, I've been successful for like eight years. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I've been doing, I was, I was on a show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I know. Even, like, dude, acting, like, that's what people,

they just kind of started putting me in movies. Another thing I don't really understand. But Begonia was, people were like, dude, congratulations. And it, don't get me wrong. Incredibly cool. But it's like, if I had to choose between being in that movie and podcast, who has affected my life more? Podcasting or being in an Oscar-nominated film?

it's not even close. It wouldn't even be a hard choice to be like which would you choose. It's like the years of me saying the most embarrassing things in the world on record has been better for me than being in a movie with the best actors in the world. 100%.

That has helped me and it's not even fucking close. I mean, that's the like the level of which shit has changed now. Yeah. Where I mean, as people will see me pop into a sketch, I'll be playing a bailiff in a court. I've seen you play bailiff maybe like 800 times. Every time I'm watching a comedy-related thing and a bailiff comes up, I'm like, oh, dude, it's Carl.

Yeah, that's me playing a bailer. But I'll do that on the show, and people will be in my deal and it's like, I saw you on the show, bro. Oh, my God. I'm saying, like, you made it, you did it. And I go, bitch, there are seasons and seasons on Peacock. Yeah, me talking on television. Yeah, dude, you know, whatever. Whatever, as long as we don't have to have real jobs.

Yeah, yeah, it's ego check. What was your first ever, like, real job or like, or maybe either first or last before you got to just make it? Okay. I'll tell you the last one, too. I worked at, I worked at Rite Aid for a break during while I was in college. Okay. And, man, we ate so much ice cream.

Like, for those of you who don't know, right aid, the grocery store, but, like, on the West Coast, they merged with, they bought out this company called Thrifty, which had crazy ice cream, really good ice cream. Thrifty has. They're fucking, that little malt. Yeah. The malt one. And it's, like, calories aren't so bad.

No. Not so. It's real good ice cream. I didn't realize they had merged. Yeah, I didn't know that. That was long, yeah, that was in the 90s. I remember when I first moved to LA, they still had thrifties and say, sayvon. And then RiteA bought them out.

And now Rite A's gone. That, that place is gone now. It's gone. I work there. Is Drifty gone as well? Yeah. Yeah. Because I don't even think they have the ice cream anymore.

Fuck. Yeah, I think it's gone. Or maybe somebody tried to buy it out or something. Damn, dude. Look this up, I'll just do some fucking producer. But then I worked at UCLA in the maintenance department for a couple years. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah.

And I had the fucking. I had the uniform all, yeah. I was goodwill hunting. I was the same age as all the college kids. Dude, this math problem. They're like, who the fuck wrote this? That's wrong. That's so wrong.

You go outside the improv club. And you're like, that was the wrong. Yes. And that was the wrong. Yeah. I was doing that when I first started doing imprim. Then my last job. before I got my first

entertainment job, 2016, first long-term entertainment job because I had done a little bit part before that, and I was doing background for years. But my last real job was I was a bouncer at this bar called Barney's Beenery. Oh, wow, Barney's. Hell yeah. It's super popular now.

It was a degenerate place when I was working here. And I worked at the one in Burbank and the one in Pasadena. And I was, yeah, I was a bouncer. And they would like send us over to the other ones. Like right now the Santa Monica one is like one of the most popping spots in L.A. Yeah, yeah.

Not Santa Monica City, but San Antonio Boulevard. West Hollywood. And they would send us over to like, you know, oh, it's slow over here. So auxiliary bouncers. Yeah, yeah. But I was a bouncer there. And then I was bouncing there when I got the Mad TV reboot. Fuck, yeah, dude.

And I was still working. And I kept calling off my shift. And the manager was like, bro, you got to quit or something. Like, you're leaving me hanging. Like, you can't call me on a Friday at 4 being like, yeah, it's going to go late tonight. Yeah, yeah. So I quit. It's funny.

Would you go straight from filming to bouncing shit? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. And all for the opportunity to tell it on a podcast. But yeah, no, I would leave, I would leave work and go do my... And do you ever bounce?

Do you ever fucking toss anybody out? DJ Jazzy Jeff style? Yeah. So there's definitely times... I got one story, and I think the statute of limitations is up. But there was one time... These cops used to come in because they were playing. softball.

Yeah. And they would come in and eat pizza. Like, Barney's had pizza. They were just, like, eat and watch games or whatever. And one night they brought one guy in, and I didn't realize that he was also a cop.

But, like, he was drunk off his ass. Like, crazy drunk. It was fucking with people. And, but these guys were regulars, and they were cool and they were caught. Like, so, like, you know,

it was like, all right, man, just watch it. Yeah, and you back the blue. Like, me and all this, you back to blue. I will walk over to their table and hand them their chili and go, y'all lives matter.

y'all's but this dude was tripping out and I saw him like tripping on somebody one time and it was a woman that was there and I walked over and like hey man we're all good here you know I was nice and and and it was like yeah we're good

yeah leave us alone like I'm like all right well I'll let that slide but also and again I didn't know this guy was caught because the other guys had left they took off and he stayed there He was talking to this woman. Oh, that's a problem. Yeah, yeah.

When the problem is the one who stays? Yeah. Yeah, that's tough. I think they just left. He must not have been friends with them or something like that. Or they just, like, join a team that night. And then he left, they all left him there. And then he, next thing I look up and he's got his hands around this woman's neck.

So I go over. You're out. You're done. Jesus Christ. Like, and I think they knew each other. Okay. They did know each other. Okay.

Oh. Okay. Yeah. And I'm like, that's it. You're done. Full Nelson. Get him out. Toss him out.

Bartender, my homie will. Jumps over the bar. We both get this dude out. She comes out like, what are you doing? Stop. It's okay. It's okay. Blah.

It's okay. Yeah. We send him on. Like, you're done, bro. Like, y'all both can get out of here. Like, it's over with. We send him on. Next thing you know, somebody comes from the patio.

It's like, yo, man, that dude's getting to a fight outside. Oh, my God. Her dad pulled up. Her dad. Her dad jumped out of the van going at it with this dude. It's still on bar property. So we got to break. Like what?

Oh, my God. Call the cops. Call the cops. Yeah, yeah. His phone rings. Yeah, he's the only cop in town. And then he starts, we pull him off. She gets in the van like with her dad.

They pull off. They leave. Holy shit. Someone's dad comes in picture. Yeah. It's so crazy. And he's sitting there, lecturing us.

And this, like, really put me in a mind like sometimes what cops be, like, thinking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because he's lecturing me and my boy, because we, like, standing in front of him now, and he's like, you guys, you guys hate us. You hate us.

Why are you hating? Choking a woman in your bar is trying to become morally superior to you. You hate us because, because I call you the N-word. Why do you hate me? I'm pretty. protecting you. I'm protecting you from yourself. And I went, I was like, oh, this is the psyche.

That's when I found out he was a cop because I got scared. I was like, fuck, I like got this dude in full Nelson pushed him out. I was like, now I was like, I'm done, man. I ain't going to be able to drive through Glendale at all no more. They're going to whoop my ass. And, and like, he was lecturing us and I was like getting into the, and I'm like, oh, that's what they're like, you, you guys are the real threat and in good like you, I'm protecting you. So you get mad at me because we got to rough up. Because this is around the time of like Mike Brown. Of course. Like, it's like

2016. And... Which is like also completely had nothing to do with the situation. Nothing. He was just a piece of shit patron. You had no idea. Nobody, as far as I know, nobody in the story was black. It was all white on white crime. Yeah, Latino.

Latino. Latino crime. Yeah, yeah. And he was So the cops came And they're trying to arrest him And he starts resisting like a motherfucker Oh Like he starts fucking fighting back Like punch like

Like a lady cop This dude got a real problem with women Because he jammed the lady cop against the door Other cops started to come out And now we're just staying there Like we're not involved in this And and like as much as I hate Like police brutality

They finally got this dude on the ground And one of the other cops just went Boom Boom! Boom! Boom! Got his ass. And I was like, get his ass. Get his ass. Shouldn't have been resistant, motherfucker.

Shouldn't have been resistant. That's fucking nuts. And then I had to, like, go to court for that and everything. Because I was, like, one of the main witnesses. Of course. Holy shit. Yeah. And what happened to him, dude?

I don't know. And I do not care. You don't care. I don't know. That's nuts, dude. I was already, like, by the time the court case came, I was already... You were done at the job. I literally was in the right.

room for this show called Brockmeyer that I wrote on. This Hankis area baseball show. I was in the room. And I got a call from a detective. And I was like, if you could just give me a call back. And it's about an incident that happened at Barney's Beanery two years ago. And I'm like, ah. And I had to go testify and stuff.

That's fucking wild, dude. So I hope that's an okay story to tell. I think it should be. I think it should be. It's been a long time. It's fine. But now, now I've re-uped my clock of not being able to drive through Glendale. You talking about me old?

My guess is that guy was disciplined and he, uh, he did some counselors. and he's really changed his ways. And that's what the, that's what the court vibe was. Yeah. He was crying. Yeah. Like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I wasn't, I wasn't in a good place that night. I'm like, oh, you miss me. That bullshit, man. I don't care about your fucking apology. That's fucking awesome. Yeah. That's beautiful, man. Well, hopefully our callers have some questions about,

oh, hell yeah. You know, bouncing people, police brutality, you know, what have you. I'll just play it. Give us some calls, little buddy. Hold on real quick, some happy news. Thrifty ice cream is still in. business. Oh, that's great to hear. They were acquired by an invest, uh, Hillrod Holdings and investment group formed by executives who work at Monster Energy. Oh, interesting. Ice cream

about to be different. Thrifty is now under the control of Monster Energy drink, huh? Interesting. They own something else too. That's not the energy drink. They own something else that's like, oh, like Hanson's. Remember the health, like what was supposed to be healthy soda, but it actually still had like 40 grams of sugar. Oh, yeah. Hansens that they would sell at like Whole Foods. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that was also Monster energy. I'm like some of them pipes getting crossed. Well, I'm usually not a fan of, you know, corporate acquisitions. Yeah.

But let's keep Thrifty alive as long as possible. Keep thrifty alive. Keep thrifty. Yeah, keep the corpse of thrifty going. Cylinder. They had these iconic scoops that were like flat on the top. See, I know it solely as a pre-packaged pint. And I got to say the malt I go to Batford.

I want it right now. See if there's any around. Just Google Thrifty malt ice cream near me. And they're going to be like, dude, just eat Jamaican ice cream. Play us some calls, a little buddy, while you do that. Hey, Starvy. Hey, Elvis. Hey, guests.

So my wife and I have started doing an only fans. She is on the smaller side, and I'm on the larger side. and I'm on the larger side. The problem is, is I keep rubbing up against her IUD string, and it's, like, causing a lot of friction. Obviously, we're having to playoffol. Because we're doing only fans now. Yeah, true.

So she has been telling me that she's going to take it out, but she wants me to get a besectomy. I am 28. Ideally, I don't want to have to do that whilst I'm under 30, right? But yeah, that's basically my question is, should I get a vasectomy? She won't go on any other kind of birth control if she gets this taken out.

And I can't afford to keep popping out children. We have two already. Too already. And we're not planning on having any more. Then why don't get a vasectomy? Let me know. Sorry, that was so short. No, we prefer short.

Hopefully this is on a free one because I don't... All right, we got it. Shut the fuck up. So his issue is, his issue is he has... Now that him and his wife have an only friend, the people demand cream pies is what I'm hearing. Because that's the only reason he would have to mention the only fans. There's no...

In fact, he didn't need to mention the only fans, but it seems that his... His... What we can infer here is that he has to not... and his wife because that's what makes money, I guess. Otherwise, why would you give a fuck? Why would you care? Yeah.

You could have just said, my wife wants me to get a vasectomy. Right. Yeah, exactly. That could have been solved. So, okay. So the thing rubs up, the little string cuts his cock because his wife, his cox is huge. He has to brag about his huge dick and his wife's a little pussy.

My dick is bleeding right now from that. Right now. What is it can't Haven't we had calls about this? Can't you get that shit trimmed? And can't you get it in your arm too? The IUD? Yeah.

Oh, I didn't know that. But she said she only wants She only wants that one Which her right. Yeah. It's also your right to Not want to get a vasectomy. And then, but then you want to hear

the most heartbreaking thing possible. If that's, if you're both standing your ground, you're going to start, you're going to start using cons with the woman You have two kids with. Mm-hmm. Can you think of a fate worse? than that. That's insane.

So look, dude, it's up to you. Why do you have this weird, well, I'm only 28, I should get a vasectomy. He says he's already, he's planning not to have kids again. Yeah. He also, when he asked to put it on the free episode, he was like, I'm not on the Patreon, my kids are expensive enough as it is. So,

which is also like, did you guys just start this OnlyFans? Is that money coming in? Yeah, the only fans is just he wanted to brag. Yeah. Also, it's like, yeah, Is it making money is a really great question, Eldis. Because it's like, if it's not, what are we even doing there?

I hear that Mountain Dew helps with this issue. Oh, true. Yeah. Oh, that's a good point. Put a bunch of sit on a bunch of hot. Get some Jamaican patties. Sit on them. Yeah.

Get some Jamaican patties. Sit on them. Right. Get your nuts hot. Sit in the hot tub every day. Hot tub while you're drinking ice cold mountain dew. Yeah, yeah. What else is bad for you?

Look up stuff bad for yours. Elders, you should know this. You were trying to juice your nut. What's good, what's bad for a sperm? I mean, years for me, you know. I wasn't told this out right, but be very fat as shit. Be very fat. Here's a terrible diet.

Smoke weed a lot for McDonald's. 10, 15 years. Drink a lot. Cigarettes. My jigs must be so low quality right now. I'm on 100 MGs basically every day. That shit must be swimming slow as fuck, dude.

We, uh, maybe this isn't the story to tell. Yeah, man. whatever. You wanted that. Yeah. There was a mutual friend of ours who I had a conversation with. We were talking about not getting morning wood anymore. Yes, yes, yes.

And it was something. Oh, no, it's a story to tell. Don't worry. This is the right pod. And I got, like, I got nervous about it because I had stopped thinking about it. Right. And I was like, well, when I'm stimulated, if I have a bed guest or something like that, I'm good. I'm good.

I'm still like, I'm still good tomorrow, unless I'm too tired. And I'm like, go, go. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. I'm sleepy. I'm sleepy. Get out. But if it, but if, like, I ain't never had a problem with it. Right.

Like, but then I started paying attention to it every morning. Tracking it. Yeah, even on days. Like, that's what, like, started making me, like, slow down drinking because I was, like, waking up being like, oh, I should on worm right now. God damn. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'd be like, fuck, dude. That's very funny. Starting a little chart that's like smiley face, frowny face. Every morning, if your dick gets harder, not. But this guy's problem basically is like, look, if you don't plan on having any other kids, a vasectomy does seem like an okay solution here. If you didn't have kids, I would say don't get one.

Yeah. But if you're already had kids and aren't planning on having any other ones and you just have some weird emotional rejection of getting a vasectomy, we're here to tell you that you don't need to do that. Nah. Or, and if you're really, really, you know, worried about it, free some jizz, I guess. Can you do that? I think so.

Yeah. If you already got two kids and you're like, we're not planning on having more, and this is your lady for life. And y'all, y'all at it, like, yeah, get the vasectomy. It probably doesn't hurt at all. I am scared to get one, but I also want to have kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, like, it is, like, I'm fine with wearing a condom.

Yeah, yeah. I would 100, if I was in this position, I would get a vasectomy, no problem. Yeah. That seems actually kind of nice. Knowing you can never get anybody pregnant after you're done having kids. seems just like a good, just kind of good general business, I would say. Yeah. A good way to behave.

Next question, Elders. Uh-oh, what the hell? What the hell's going on? Holy fuck. It's time to fucking keep it fucking twisted. Keep it twisted. With fucking twisted tea. It's time for the fucked up-up-ass motherfucking question of the week.

You can have this if you want. You don't have to drink. Yeah, sure. I'll take a sip. I'll break fast. Oh, no, no, you're on intermittent fasting. Please. Just put it on the table.

Look, we love twisted tea here, but we love, you know, we love the fad diet. Our plus-sized friends are on this week. Even more. It's the twisted-ass, fucked-up-ass, motherfucking-ass question of the week. Of course, Carl, as you know, and this summer, it's extra twisted and motherfucking ass fucked up because we got the summer party pack, baby. We're talking. Original, half and half, Rocket Pop, and the new twisted lemonade.

Yeah. And a really nice element that I love. That's right. The new twisted lemonade, it comes in a rad color-changing can, and is only available in the summer party pack. Oh. Ooh, you got to keep it extra twisted with this new summer party pack. Uh, holy shit. Eldis, what's this week's fucked up, motherfucking twisted-ass question of the week?

All right. Uh, hey, what's up, Stravi? I have a bit of a moral dilemma. Uh-oh. And I need a little bit of your counsel of Greek philosophers. So in June, my five-year-old daughter has a dance recital. It's important. She's been practicing the whole thing.

She's been going to dance for a bit. But it also happens to be the same weekend as the biggest professional wrestling death match tournament in the world that takes place in Atlantic City. Uh, it's basically like the Super Bowl of, uh, death match. Football is real. Uh, dude. So, you know, also, this is also a tradition weekend for me and my friend. Uh, he's a sober.

So I get absolutely loaded while he responsibly make sure I don't die. Oh, okay. Gambling and such. Um, it's a great system. But my kid, like I mentioned, she's five. And we have things. just about every month or every other week, dancing, school things, soccer, kids.

Oh, you mean, oh, hold on. I think what you're describing is being a parent. And you know, every day we feed her and close her, and I never make her pay for anything. I've sent her no Venmo request. I get every lunch. Keep going. That happens a lot.

Generally, if I'm invited or, if it is an occasion I can go to I will so I asked my wife about it and she said it was okay but in that you know

it could go either way with her and you know I figured she'd be okay with it but and my kid doesn't really remember things she's five I don't expect her to remember this one this guy's awesome this is the least

objective like this is the least this is the most fucking unreliable narrator we've ever heard for anything ever. I'm sure your wife and child both are like, yeah, dude. Oh, yeah, no. It's all go to the end, dude.

Of course, get fucked up. Get fucked up and watch, I guess it sounds like low grade professional wrestling. Sounds like the kind where they still let them cut each other with fucking razors. Yeah, like use real bricks. That's not a WrestleMania he's talking. No, no, no.

He's talking about something. I think it called death match wrestling. Look this up, this is what the fuck death match wrestling is? Anyway, you can finish his call, too. You know, another hundred. But I'm sitting here like, is that bad if I miss one recital for death match wrestling? I mean, I'm going to tell my daughter I'm working, which I technically am, you know, spiritually. No, you're not.

But, yeah, I'm wondering. No, you're not at all. What do you mean spiritually? you're having the best time of your fucking life. Or if I'm a monster. You're not a monster. You're a fucking loser. Please tell me the truth. Thank you.

Oh, we'll tell you the truth, Chief. You think I'm going to fucking mince words when a wrestling fan asks if he should go to his daughter's recital or go to death. What is death match wrestling eldest? Is it anything specific? It's even faker than the WWE. Or even like TNA or like, you know,

one of those other ones. I mean, listen, now I will say, now, I think that's probably a pretty fun thing to go. Sure. Low-level professional wrestling is actually more fun than a, like, we went to some, I went to some WWE stuff for my brother's bachelor party. Like, we wanted to do some wholesome shit. He's not a strip club guy. So we did, like, you know, went to some basketball games. We went to WWE.

We had a fun. You know, it was just fun. I bet you that's fun as shit. So, you know, sorry for the shots at death match wrestling. Yeah. But the thing that pisses me off the most about this. Here's where you're really not keeping it twisted. Part of the keep it twisted ethos

is not lying to yourself and lying to your friends. All right? You, I despise that you wouldn't just give me the facts of the matter here. That you're trying to tell me, what really pissed me off is when he said he was technically working. That's just a pure lie. In no way are you working. You're fully, you are fully just ignoring your family responsibilities

to do the opposite of working, which is fine, but don't lie to me. And I feel like I'm being lied to throughout this whole thing. I think you are really underplaying how much they would care. And so I'm just going to, instead of listening to you and you're reporting, I'm just going to summarize the facts. A grown man who complains that there's pretty much something to do every week with his daughter and claims that a five-year-old, not a one-year-old, doesn't remember things. A five-year-old remembers.

Especially the recital. Like this isn't a soccer game This isn't a dance practice This is the thing she's He even said it himself She's been practicing for months And you're saying it's like I just think dude

You and your fucking friend can go Okay you're missing the WrestleMania Of death match wrestling Yeah How about go to the summer slam Of death match wrestling this year And get drunk as fuck How about just any other weekend

And the weekend your fucking daughter Is doing a rehearsal Is the weekend you get fucked up With your friend That's what tip me off too When he said my friend is sober. I always think he's going to say something like,

so this is an event that we do together where I stand in solidarity with him. Right, right, right, right. No, he said, and so he's going to be able to keep me, make sure I don't die. So this isn't fun for anybody but you. You're a burden on everyone in this story. Yeah, I mean, look, you're keeping it

way too fucking twisted. You want to keep it, because part of, again, the keep a twisted ethos is drinking responsibly. Yeah. And you've already talked about not drink. making it responsibly. That's one thing I know Twisted Tea would never stand for. Okay?

So right now you're keeping it way too fucking twisted. Grow up, you fucking pussy. You have a daughter. I'm sorry you can't watch fucking grown men shatter the collagen in their shoulders for your enjoyment. I'm sorry you have to fucking make sure your daughter becomes a person, a well, you know,

a well-rounded person who has no psychological issues with men or authority figures. Just go to the fucking important recital. And from now on, the stuff your kids do, your kids bigger, your dumb ass should think of your daughter's recital as this. Now, these are your Super Bowls, dude. And by the way, doesn't that make you, aren't you a, seeing your kids do shit should be what parents want to do.

Yeah, it should be fun, right? See my, dude, I can't wait to go to my nephew's fucking, he's one and a half when that motherfucker has baseball or soccer games or I know my brother wants to put him in jujitsu and wrestling and shit like that. I'm going, I can't wait to go to that little motherfucker's meetups. And I get it. You're their parent. I'm the uncle.

I get to fly in for the fun stuff. You're there day to day. I get it. I get it. But still, I would say if this is a big, if this is the big recital, you have to go. If now, if it was a soccer game and you miss one and you, but you're at all the other ones, you fine, dude. But it's like your kids' big events are now the biggest events in your life.

That she's been practicing for. She's been practicing, you fucking animal. You better be, you better bring the grill and have some wings on the grill outside. Oh, tailgate. Dude, tailgating a kid's thing. Yeah. I saw a tweet somebody who's talking about like, why don't we start tailgating movies? And I was like, dude, that sounds awesome.

That kind of sounds like. When we saw Speed Racer, imagine if we had a grill going before we're smoking weed and eating fucking, you know what I mean? Like pork chops right before going to see Spadezer. You're getting turned up before Michael? that would be a great one to because that's not really a movie that's more of like a shitty YouTube video like an AI like an AI or like upscale of old Michael Jackson stuff you loaded on wings and twisted tea exactly how good would it be to be yeah having yeah here's what you do buddy you it ain't wrestling but why don't you pregame your daughter's recital responsibly with some ice cold twisted teas.

Keep it twisted, but not too twisted. And go to your daughter's recital, or you're a piece of shit. That's so fucking awesome. Oh, fuck. Oh, we're leaving the twisted zone. We kept it fucking twisted. What else we got, Eldis? Hi, Savvy, baby.

Hello, Elvis, and his team's guest. Hello. I am calling with a... pick related issue. Tiny bit of the background. I've been with my husband for nine years. We've been married for six and we have a two-year-old daughter. Nice.

We have an active and fulfilling sex life, but something recently put me off in a weird way. Okay. I sent my husband a series of titty pictures and he had looked at what he had replied. All he had done was open them. Didn't save them. Didn't heart react. Didn't give any response. So I thought maybe my photos inspired from in-promptu jerking session.

So I said, not even a thank you. He responded, L-M-A-O. I respect that. I said, what is funny? He said my reaction was funny, that I was being ridiculous. When I asked him about it the next day, he got defensive and was annoyed that I wanted some sort of recognition. Interesting. the news photos I sent him told me

why do I have to say them? Why do I have to say anything? I'm not obligated. Wow. This is crazy stancho take. This is a crazy line in the sand to draw. Yeah. With your wife. With your wife. Oh, no. And am I being a lady? I don't have the best rack ever. Whoa. Whoa. See, this is

this is being a bad husband. What you have now done has made your wife insecure. Yeah. It's that you're, because it's First of all, it's rude. Send that rack to us. Yeah, yeah. Let us see those tis. And I will say, in general, we are always open to looking at tits on this podcast.

So we will look at them and we'll say nice tits, you know? Anyway, finish up, Elders. Back ever, especially after breastfeeding. Oh. But, Dan, am I asking for too much for him to respond to my titty pictures with something nice? No. Like, so sexy. You love those tities.

I mean, something. I know he hasn't obligated. to do anything, but I don't know. Let me know, Stabby, baby. Love you. This actually,

this breaks my heart. That's pretty mean. This is so mean. Like, I can't fathom not even a heart. Listen, you got a heart react. Yeah.

At the absolute least. If your office is on fire and you're being rescued by firefighters, like if you're being hoisted over a stronger man's shoulder and your wife send you some titty pictures

and you're busy, you got, even in that case, you send her a heart react. Yeah. The heart react is for when there's an emergency. An emoji, the hierarchy is bespoke,

uh, you know, written sentence back, maybe trying to get some fucking, you know, getting, getting frisky, some text,

some sexting. That's the, the highest thing you do is get horny enough to start sexting immediately, right? Second horny is a, second best is like a slightly less horny,

you know, text reply. Then, you hit her with an emoji, or at the very bottom of the hierarchy is a simple heart reaction. Simple. You got to hit, I send back a gift, not a gift. Well, you can send back the gift of the 1930s wolf. The wolf is classic.

Yeah, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The tongue out classic. I send pictures that I've seen on Twitter. There's one picture that I like to send of Skip Bayliss getting into an ice bath where he looks like he's busting the nut. You know? That's a really good one. I'll send that one.

There's a picture of a guy who's doing a cock push-up, both his arms are to the side. Like, I'm so hard I could do a push-up. You got to send that. That's good stuff, man. I'll send those two. I mean, I will say this, from this, like after I've been in therapy and stuff, but as an emotionally unavailable guy in the past, I have to admit to it.

Sure. I definitely have gotten a text from somebody, and I'm like, I ain't got to say nothing to you. Right, right, right. Hearing that you do that to your wife. Wife is way different. The mother of your children. Even if you...

But also, listen, wife, a text is also different than nude. Yes. Nude is like, you got it. You got to. Come on, man. That's crazy. Exactly. I'm thinking of the type of person I would ignore a nude from.

It's a woman who's ruined my life before. Yes. That's whose nudes you ignore because they know that's the most potent, guaranteed to get a reaction. you know, form of correspondence that exists. So for a husband to get the most the most guaranteed

response message from his wife and he's basically treating you the way we would treat women we hate. Yeah. Yes. And that's fucking crazy to me. Because even somebody that I don't, I have no even if somebody says to me there are tities and I have no

intention of sucking those tities, I'll give him a heart react. You got to give him a hard way. I'll say nice. I'll give them something. This is, I think this, we don't want to be overdramatic here. Yeah. But this is actually a really bad sign, I think.

Do you, Eldis, you're the only one of committed relationship here. If you were to send the cock pick hilariously or to receive some kind of, it doesn't have to be a nude, but any kind of horny correspondence. There's no way in the world you would ignore that, would you? I couldn't imagine, I couldn't imagine, like, not responding at all, waiting for her to ask for a response and then like, yeah, just being completely flipping about it when she expresses like, you know, remorse or sadness that I just basically ignored it. It's crazy. This is crazy. This is crazy. This is crazy behavior. So we're just letting you know you don't, don't be gaslit.

It is nuts to not give you at minimum a heart. Especially, especially like just from her insecurity about breastfeeding. Yeah, right. They have a two-year-old. They've probably not fucking the last couple years as much as before. This is a really hard time for women. Like our friends who have had kids, when they're, when they're like two and younger, you're as a mom, you feel bad. Like, you're so overworked with the baby and your body's taken a beating from having it. Yeah. So this is maybe arguably the worst time in your life for your husband to be treating you like this. Yeah. That is a red flag, unfortunately. And that's straight up gaslighting to, to respond with LMAO as if y'all been dating for two months.

Right, right. Right. Like, that is, that's a, wild thing. And just like you said, don't be, not to be dramatic, but I could hear the hurt in her voice. Absolutely. And that's, bro, you got to be better. And that's, I'm not trying to be. We're not like, we're not these guys either necessarily. I am not. We've been, we've probably between us, probably mistreated plenty of women. Yes. But this is a level, even we can't go to stand behind. You got to, you got to, you got to, you got to. Now, let me play devil's advocate for one moment. Please. What? You know. That's why. going to you for the long, because I could see long term being a little different. Maybe he's

also overworked. But anyway, I won't take devil's advocate from you. Go ahead, Aldous. You know, have you guys barely been fucking? Has he been like making advances that, you know, you just, you just have been like rejecting because you're busy with a kid, life, work, whatever the fuck? Um, has there been like, is there like some kind of recent history of something like that where, you know, you're throwing up, I'm horny flare. Right. And he's just like, oh, I've barked up this tree recently, you know, nothing's going to come up.

Not that that, you know. You're going red pill sulah right now. Not that that that alleviates him. Not that that alleviates him, but is there something of that? I'd be curious to know, like, what the dynamics are the last couple years in terms of sex. She said they were healthy sex life. That's true.

She did. And also, I see what you're saying. I don't think that's the devil's advocate position, though. I think the devil, first of all, I would say LMAO, if I were to get an LMAO back, it should be like LMAO, my bad, I saw them and then I had to do something immediately. Like, that was a great, you know, whatever. But I think the devil's advocate position is like, he's also overworked. He's also like, it was more of like a, right now you guys have, have shifted.

into more of like a unfortunately almost although even though she said they have a good sex life when it's the kid you know when it's a baby you're almost like a team that's kind of trying to survive day to day I don't know but even that am I I'm trying to find this argument it's half-hearted I can't find it yeah because your argument is

you're explaining the behavior but what you're saying is he's being passive aggressive because he didn't get something he wanted which is not a good sign yeah if they're living in a if their sex life is taking a hit or maybe, I think the argument is maybe she perceives their sex life to be healthy, but he's not as, as, uh, happy with it. But the, what you do is not ignore her sexual advances if that's how you feel.

You let her know. And if you're trying to get the, get it going, you can't react that way when she gets sexual. Yeah. In fact, that's the opposite thing because now we see, we hear it. She's more insecure. She's going to put out less. It's just, it is a red flag because this is exactly.

what you would do to like kind of punish your wife unfortunately. Unfortunately, this is the behavior of someone who is resentful and is hurting her in a way that is acceptable, right? He couldn't like, you know, stop doing his half of the chores or whatever or like stop. But he can be like, oh, come on, you're being ridiculous. Within their private sex life where no one else is really a party to, that's where you can do a lot of gaslighting when you're being resentful. that's why I think it's a red flag.

Yeah. That was nuts. Yeah. I mean, ultimately I agree. You know, I try, you know, me and my wife are playful, but I try to make my relationship the one relationship in my life for sure where I won't let like irony creep in. Of course. Just like, you know.

Yes. Our entire life. If stop sent me a text that's like, oh, dude, I'm so fucking proud of this thing. I'd be like, wow, you're a fucking pussy or something. But I was like, hey, man, really proud of the work you put in this tour. We've been doing so great. It's nothing but the top if we keep trying our hardest. I love you so much, man.

I can't fathom texting you that. Right, right. But you, that's the way you want to talk to your wife. That's where the LMAO, you're gay, comes in. But your wife, when your wife is sending you her jitters, you do not send the LMAO. Exactly. If I sent you my dick, you would respond LMAO you're being weird for wanting a response.

That's actually, he's responding like his, boys send him they're nuts. Big, big problem. What you want me to say about these? Yeah. And that's a huge, huge issue. Oh, man. So, yeah, sorry. I think unfortunately

it is as bad as you think it is. But, you know, bring it up. And in terms of advice, you know, you could say like, hey, you know, it did hurt my feelings. And if he, if he's like, I'm sorry, I didn't realize it was this serious. and apologizes, good. And if he's like, you're being really fucking ridiculous.

And if he just doubles and triples down, that's a really bad sign. Yeah. That's such a vulnerable thing. Those could get leaked. Like, those could, like, she could accidentally text that to somebody at work. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, that's like a crazy thing for you to just be flipping about.

Even if you've seen them every day for nine years. Of course. Yeah. I don't like that. I don't like his behavior. You got time for one more, my friend? Hell yeah. Yeah.

Hit us with something to go out on a little LD. Hey, stuff, huge fan. I'd like to be teching you at the Radio City Hall coming up this weekend. I got a question for you. I'll just cut right to it. I own a whale skull, and it's not endangered, but it's protected. And I think it's pretty sick. It's like a, you know, it's a big, it's about four feet or so, and it's about 50 pounds.

It really ties the room together. You have it in a room? Four feet? I've had girls, you know, like, come over and, you know, see it. And some are really into it and think it's pretty sick. I'll have, like, lights on it and shit. Some girls aren't really that into it or just don't give a shit about it. I just wanted to ask you, you know, maybe get a second opinion on it.

If, you know, do you think this is, like, a red flag for, you know, for potential, you know, people who are romantically interested or not. It's fucking weird. Yeah. I'm just, I think, I feel like, because I've had some pushback. Actually, my mom, who I told, you know,

I still have it at my setup. She, she thinks it scares, she thinks it's going to scare the ladies away. Scared a hose. And I just think it's a bad rap because, you know, RFCK, like, found a whale skull and, you know, kept it. traumatizes kids.

So, I don't know. Just want to be a second opinion. You rock. Is that you supporting your argument? Yeah. RFK did this. And traumatizes his kids with it. Cheryl, hi.

Cheryl is fine. Cheryl's a piece of ass. That is one of the funniest couples of all time. Whale skull. I will say having like fossils or like or a sculpture or some shit that you see in a museum in your house,

is kind of interesting. It is like, you know, whenever, or when you see somebody who's like a real painting, you know what I mean, like not just a poster, like a real,

I'm trying to buy a little art. Like, the only thing I'm kind of interested in in terms of rich guy shit is art. Yeah. Like, I do think in general, like, decorating in a way

that's different than like a boondock saints a Pulp Fiction poster and like, you know, whatever the fuck, like a fat head of your favorite. Oh, my LeBron fat head. Yeah.

Watching me. Watching me from the wall in front of my bed. And if a girl come over and she don't like it, you can go to hell. King James is going to watch me lay it down. I literally always wanted a fathead. And then I became, well, I was telling you about my apartment. And I became a dog, got my own place.

It is a cacophony of nonsense. Just, yeah, bullshit. Very immature young man shit. Yes. But the fat head is the one thing that I didn't. do because I was like, this is crazy to have this man. You can't do the fat head. Although I was thinking like that wall right there between those light switches, come on, man. I was like, that would be perfect for a fat head. Come on. Lamar Jackson running. It's right Lamar right there. Like,

I bought all this expensive, nice furniture, but still in me, I'm like, put the Lamar fathead right there. That's when you got to get a, like, I have a, I have a, a Steph signed picture. Yeah. And I'm like, that's going up. That's cool. Because he signed it. And I got a, I got a, I got a Blake Griffin jersey. That's awesome. Like that he signed as well. And it's framed. So I'm like cool with shit like that.

I think the skull head thing is interesting. And if you are, if you, if that's what you into, if you like that, if you could explain everything about it. That's a good point. You could keep that joke. That's actually a great point. What does it signify to you? Yeah.

Because having shit that's a little weird, but that matters to you and that you, like, that makes you, like, the way I'm decorating my shit. now, I was like, you know what, I'm just doing shit that I love that has a story behind it. That's like, I bought this weird little thing in an antique store on tour that's always going to remind me of that stop on the tour. I have a fun story to tell, you know, an artist, a movie or an artist that was really important to me and my mom or some shit like that. But the sense I'm getting from him is that he's just like, it's fucking sick. It's a fucking bone. He didn't really, he wasn't like, I'm studying Wales.

Yeah. We got it in an ethical way. Yeah. And I like to point out the, you know, how the different shape of their, whatever the fuck. To me, he was just like, I have a skull in my fucking apartment. I put lights on it. It's awesome. And Inuit, boil the meat off.

And we ate the meat and then I kept the skull with me. Yeah. Right. If it was, if you were like at an Inuit fucking coming of age ceremony. And you had a traditional fucking Wayne Braille, Wayne Brain stew. whale brain stew. Yeah, that's different. That would be my main thing.

How did you come? It seems like it's a family heirloom. His mom knows about it. Did he give us any background here? He said his mom says it's scaring the hose too. He didn't really say exactly how he got it. He just said, yeah, he says his mom is aware of it. But she didn't say it'll scare the hose.

Now look, I think ultimately, yeah, it comes down to, I mean, he said four feet. Four feet, 50 pounds. That's fucking huge. Yeah. How big is your fucking place? I know. Or a foot foot. Have you got enough room for a four foot whale?

In this apartment, I wouldn't put a fucking four foot 50 pound piece of sculptural, you know. It definitely is a conversation starter. You look at it. All right. Now, what's to deal with that? Yeah. I guess my question is, yes, definitely a conversation started. But does it make sense in your apartment?

Yeah. Is it in the middle of everything? Like, if you have a big enough place where it makes sense and you're passionate about it, okay, But if you're like, if it's the only thing like hanging behind your couch, if it's the only thing on your wall, my hunch is probably not. But at the end of the day, if you like it, fine. But what are your reasons for liking it?

Like, for example, to me, it's a little, it's close to having a fucking deerhead on your wall. Yeah. And I don't think that I would want that other than if I was kind of doing a kitsy, if I was trying to make a room look like a shitty bar on purpose, if it was the kind of irony eldest is trying to avoid. void with his wife. But it doesn't sound like this guy's doing ironic decor.

So I personally probably wouldn't do it. But ultimately, you know, I would probably tell you not to do it. But if you really want to, I don't give a fuck. Not in my apartment. I would never. Once I get a house, I'm like, ah, my pee foul. Yeah. But like, not in my apartment.

Yeah, let me take you to the menagerie. It's going to be some knives out in here tonight. Shit, we should get a Lamar fat head for the office eldest. Yeah. We have a lot of wall real estate to cover at the office. But, all right. I think that's our advice. Whatever.

Fuck you. Fuck you, dude. But imagine, here's what I would tell you. If that costs me getting pussy even once, it's gone. It's gone. If it fucks you up even one time, it's gone. Yeah. Now, I think it's more like, it comes down to like,

I think it's okay if it keeps you from getting pussy. see once or twice. You will, you will find, I think when you're single, it's good to, like, be invested in how your room is laid out. Yes. You know, you're thinking about your interior, even if it's, like, something as stupid as this. But it's still better than, like, you know, empty Bacardi bottles above the cabinet and the kitchen. That's a great point. That's actually a great point. Maybe you're just, maybe this was okay from, you know, 24 to 26. And, but now at 27, 28 to 30, it's time to let go. Yeah.

Because I do feel like heads in general, like antlers and and skulls, kind of were cool decor. Like, you know, it's kind of like, it kind of goes hand in hand with like the Edison bulb movement. Yeah. You know, skulls and like exposed brick and all that shit kind of goes together. So I think you're just, maybe it has served you well for a few years, but it's time to grow up. That might just be it. You're right. And the bottom line is, I don't think it'll like a girl that likes you.

I don't think it's going to make her not want to fuck you. True. But if it gets serious, you guys are moving in. She's looking at that thing. That's the first thing that's got to go on the curb, you know? 100%. That's actually a good point. Sell it now.

Why, it might have some worth. Right, right, right, right. Absolutely. Sell it now. Dude, get a smaller skull. Think about the next thing you want to be into decor-wise. Because that's actually a good lesson for life. You nailed it with that.

That served you well for a second. you gotta keep moving brother you can't do it well once you can't decorate once when you're 25 and be like well this is it forever you gotta keep growing and changing or else you become like you know like just old guys that are

still like dressing like the you know like the 90s right now or whatever although I guess now it's kind of back if you just kind of like I feel like Timothy Shalame will come out in a fucking niche you know what I mean so it's like you know I don't know what the what the moral is actually

I'm waiting for echo to come back. I feel like they're overdue. But it feels like it should have already happened. Yeah. It feel like that really, like, the rhino. I actually have a sick purple echo bomber jacket in Astoria. You still got it?

I still haven't. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You never needed those in L.A. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, jacket. That's true, not big jacket. Yeah. Yeah.

You're pretty much in warm places your whole life. Yeah. Is spending any time in the cold pissing you off? I hate it. Yeah. It's the worst. It's the fucking worst. I was in Vegas a couple weeks ago,

and it was like 102 degrees, and I had left here where it was like 25 degrees. Got sick, absolutely. And then, but I got there, and I was like, you know, after experiencing both of those extremes, like that Vegas shit is uncomfortable, I can't do the cold.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, the only thing that makes the hot terrible is when you don't have AC in your bedroom. I can't sleep hot. Yeah, yeah. There's no way. And that's what does kill me about Europe as a fat American.

Yeah. I love everything about it. I'd accept, bro. Sometimes you go to a hotel room and they'll be like, and sometimes you'll search AC and they have some bullshit. Yeah.

Some bullshit European. It's a fan. It's like a fan with like an ice cube that a fucking, you know, that the door guy comes and puts up every four hours. They refresh your ice cube in front of the fan. But yeah, whatever the fuck your question was. Fuck your whale head.

Fuck you. The whale head sucks, actually. All right. That's going to do it for a. us. Carl, we're thinking the people, and we should say, Carl's one of the funniest fucking guys. Thank you, man. Such a, I mean, an incredible improviser.

I was kind of out of the, like the, like the, because we're the same age and it was like, there was a, I think right before you were like a comedy bang bang mainstay, I was like really in there. But there was a period where I was like, I got to stop listening to other comedy pods. And so I missed kind of your tenure. But every time I would see clips you were on, so fucking hilarious. Thank you. The chief shit, you, as a child.

of as someone who has dropped off to play Carmen San Diego on the library computer while my mom did errands, if you're a Carmen San Diego head at all, look up Carl's chief character on Comedy Bang Bang. And if you're ever seeing a bailiff, odds are, it's Carl Tart.

My name will either be Carl, Gary, or Craig. But yeah, let's plug some stuff. I'm on Instagram at Dammit Carl, D-A-M-M-I-T-A-R-L. You got to listen to, I got a basketball podcast with my bowl. Hayes, Davenport, and Sean Clements called The Flagrant Ons. It's on Patreon. If you go to patreon.com forward slash Hollywood Handbook, they got a show over there called

Hollywood Handbook. Check that out. Same with that network. I got a Sopranos Watch podcast with my boy Lamar called XOXO Bada Bings. That's hilarious. It's called it because we watched Gossip Girl. Hell yeah. We called it ExoXO Gossip Kings.

It's like two black dudes in their mid-30s watch a gossip girl. Our favorite character on the show was The Dad. And we were like, man, this dude. They disrespect it. That sounds like a hilarious show. It also sounds like the perfect show for white improv fans. Oh, they love that. For them to be like, I have black friends.

And they're covering a show I liked. And then we moved over to Sopranos, much darker than gossip girl. So it's definitely harder than mind jokes out of some of the scenes. Because we went from being like, Blair and Chuck are having a fight to, so Ralphie killed that stripper. That's, I mean, but to be fair, that is like the most evil episode of the show. That was fucking awful, man.

It was almost like they had to be like, and just so you guys remember, these are monsters. Yeah, yeah. Like, they kind of every, like, it lasted for six seasons. Every, like, every, like, let me like two and a half seasons,

every two seasons they would just remind you, like, these are the worst guys of all time. And it's crazy, man. It's so hard to mind coming, but we still do. We have a good time. I love it. So come on over to patreon.com slash Hollywood handbook.

I'm around. I'm doing live shows in, in Boston, Philly, in D.C. in June. Kira O'Sullivan and friends and her friends from work.

We all SNL writers and a couple of SNL cast members. Nice. And then one more out here. In Pittsburgh, I'll be with my team, the big team. And then we'll be back in New York

for the DCM Festival. Fuck yeah. So all that stuff will be on Instagram. And yeah, just... Yeah. Check out Carl's shit. So fucking funny.

Thank you, thank you. Absolutely, dude. Anytime for sure. And, And we're probably, we've announced this by the time this episode comes out, we have added the West Coast swing. As everybody knows, I broke my arm like a fucking clumsy piece of shit. And it postponed the special recording.

Special is going to be the July 18th and 19th in Baltimore. We're still doing it in Baltimore. We're seeing thousands. What the fuck was that? What are you playing, motherfucker? It's your computer. Someone's coming through the speakers. What are you playing through the speakers?

What video are you watching? It's like, jerk your pathetic penis. Jerk your pathetic penis, you tall piece of shit. Has an elevator falling on you? Pull that dick out. You dropped the box you were holding, you pathetic small-cocked loser. I don't know what the fuck that was. Anyway, well, hopefully we don't figure it out ever.

But yes, the special, a lot of people are asking for refunds, and I understand that. But listen, the rest of you that can make it, if you couldn't have made it in April, now July 18th and 19th, please come out. But we've added a West Coast swing again. So one last time, we're going to hit a lot of the markets. We started a tour with two and a half years ago now. So Seattle, Portland, L.A. We're coming to Reno for the first time. I'm excited for that.

We're doing the Bay Area. We're doing San Jose this time. We've never done San Jose. We always do either Oakland or San Francisco. So that'll be fun. Phoenix and then we've added July 3rd, July 4th weekend

Atlantic City Casino, baby that's going to be fucking awesome and then we're ending right before the special we're going to do Long Island and we're going to do somewhere in Jersey close so we don't have to drive too far

so anyway that's going to do it for us folks please buy a ticket, please come out to the special go watch Carl's shit and we'll talk to you guys next time bye bye