Stavvy's World - #193 - Chris Distefano

Episode Date: August 10, 2026

Chris Distefano returns to the pod to discuss his search for meaning, his neverending desire to move into a new house, being sensitive in Long Island, being a nerdy cuck at heart, fabricating stories about himself as a defense mechanism, and much more. Chris and Stav help callers including a freshly single 38-year-old trying to decide between a 41-year-old and a 21-year-old he’s dating, and a guy who’s getting annoyed that his buddy is bringing random girls he’s dating to their regular movie nights.   See Chris Distefano live and follow him on social media:   https://www.chrisdcomedy.com/ https://www.facebook.com/chrisdcomedy/ https://twitter.com/chrisdcomedy https://www.instagram.com/chrisdcomedy/ https://www.tiktok.com/@chrisdcomedy https://www.youtube.com/c/chrisdcomedy https://patreon.com/chrisdcomedy     Thanks to our sponsors!   Visible - https://www.visible.com/ SWITCH NOW!     Twisted Tea - https://www.twistedtea.com/locations Keep It Twisted!!   Chubbies - Get 20% off with code STAVVY at https://www.chubbiesshorts.com/stavvy   Download Cash App Today: https://capl.onelink.me/vFut/wyx330el #CashAppPod Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App’s bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. Cash App Visa® Debit Flex Cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC, and The Bancorp Bank, N.A., pursuant to a license from Visa U.S.A. Inc. See terms and conditions for the Sutton prepaid card, Sutton debit flex card, and Bancorp debit flex card. Cash App Green features, Savings, Direct deposit, Round ups, Overdraft coverage and Discounts provided by Cash App, a Block, Inc. brand. Visit cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures.   ☎️ Want to be a part of the show? Call 904-800-STAV and leave a voicemail to get advice!   🎟️ See Stavvy live on the Dreamboat Tour 🛥️💕!!! https://stavvy.biz/ for tickets   ‼️ Bonus episodes every week! Unlock exclusive, Patreon-only episodes at https://www.patreon.com/stavvysworld Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Upah! Welcome everybody to Stavvy's World. 9-04-800 stop. Call the Visible Hotline. Call the Stavis World Hotline presented by Visible. Keep it in. We love Visible. We use our office line as visible, and they have sponsored the Stavi Hotline.

And today, in a little bit, about 40 minutes, 45 minutes, me and my good pal, Chris DeStefano, are going to be taking calls on the hotline. Chris E.D., thanks for coming back. I love it, dude. Shout out, Visible. You can suck it. Yeah.

bleep that out. I believe they're also responsible. Sorry about that. And they're not that connected. It's a weird thing to say to suck it to. Yeah, I probably shouldn't have said that point. Hey, you know what, dude?

I'm having fun in here and I'm just letting it rip. That's what it's about. Yeah. It feels so, you know, something feels right about being with you in the summer, man. Yeah. We had such a beautiful. This is a summer bears reunion.

And it's one of those things where, you know, Tom has been public. Yeah, there's not much to talk about when it comes to the bears right now. Yeah. Tom's been very public. And I said, and I, and I, and I'm good friends with Tom, and I just texting him, you know, checking in,

you know, hope everything's going to divorce, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then I said, hey, man, dude. It was your guy. Yeah. You're like, where are you hiding your money? Because I'm getting, the reason, I've been thinking the reason you probably took so long to get married is because you were figuring out opening up accounts in the Cayman Islands.

Yes. Yeah. And the thing is, it just takes a little while because my father does have a criminal background. So the Cayman Islands were just a little slow, but we did officially get it done. And it feels like... And on paper, you're on food stamps. Oh, dude. It's amazing, bro.

It's amazing. I mean, yeah, dude. And so I asked Tom, I said, I said, you know, dude, Stavros, you know, I know he's home now. He's been in the movies, but Tom, I said, we can kind of, if you want to... Summer Bears, if you need. And Tom's response was not happening this summer. So it's just one of those things where I think Tom is saying, you know what? I make it clips in the divorce?

I think let them finish all their legal proceedings before they put a, they learn their lesson. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Trusting two fucking idiots like us. I know. Well, it was one of those things. Million dollar property. Where I know, I asked Tom once, Tom was like, I was like, how you like in summer bears or winter bears? He's like, dude, I love it. He was like, and I love it because the first 30 minutes of seemingly every episode is just you two shitting on Bert. So he was like, Bert kind of just, he was like, I watch Bert just kind of taking all this in about how. how the comedy scene really feels about him. And then he said, it's fun for me to watch Bert. Of course, of course.

Yeah. Oh, smart for Tom, because this would have been his summer. Oh, yeah. This would have been the summer that Tom's in the cross hairs. That's why he's the shrewd is between the two of them. Let me tell you something right now. Out of all the people we know and we know, now we know a lot of people who are making real money.

And we're at the point now, we've been doing this so long where it's like we've watched our peers become moguls. Some of them become moguls. And it's just one of those things where Tom, out of all of them is the shrewdest. Like Tom is one of those. guys. When I was talking to Tom once, I did a show with them. I opened up for them at their freaking United Center, right? He killed whatever. And then immediately after, you know, I was like, how'd you like the show? Tom was like, oh, it's great. Within five seconds, somebody came up to him

with the clipboard and was going over the F&B, the merchandise, the food and beverage, the merchandise, and basically the profit in, the numbers in, numbers out. See, respect, but I didn't do comedy, do gay shit like that. That sucks. Yeah. I think the business, The, the, like, comedians becoming businessmen sucks. That's not who the fuck we are. We're not smart and we're a business guy. That's why Christina wanted the divorce. Why can't we just be fun?

Yeah. Look, I don't want to, I will not get. No conjecture here. Those are actual friends of ours going through a public divorce. I do not envy them. Yeah. But look, I will say everyone's looking at it from the, oh, guy gets, guy gets, rich and hot.

Yeah. He divorced. Do you think it's fun, who do you think it's more fun to be married to? Yeah. A fun fat guy or a guy on peptides. Right. You know what I mean? Right.

If you had to pick in your old age, like that's what I'm banking on. 100%. For me, the, the like, the prime of my life, I've known since I was a boy. Yeah. It's going to be my 40s. Oh yeah. As a child, you would look at me and you're like, that child should be bald, obese. Yes.

With a bad back and that will be the prime of his life. That would be the- You could see it in my face. Oh, yeah. Like, this is who I was always meant to be. No, any girl out there listening, just know if you want to get the best fucking of your life from Stavros, it's right now. Because as you're losing weight and getting healthier, it's going to get shittier and shit. But right now you can pipe something with the bad back.

Oh, you're right. It's my life depends. Dude, I guarantee you the best, the best sex you ever had is when you had no teeth. When you were missing your front teeth, you were probably piping girls because you knew how hard you had to work for it. That is true. all I had, I was like, it was like, look, I've, I've sort of, I have, I won't say tricked. That's, a legal connotation. I was going to say that, that, yeah, but I, it was not tricked. Everything was above board. Yeah, yeah. Everyone was happy to be there. But I'll say this, I think many women

that I hooked up with when I was toothless were very surprised that I, that I, that like, my, I had charm. Sure. They see a toothless guy and they're like, this is, you know, you know, I was saying, I fucked a lot of girls with like, this is fun. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, I'll never do this again. Yeah, like, because you were the guy.

It's like me going salsa dancing. Right. I'll try it once. I'll have a good time. I'm never doing it again. I dabble. A lot of girls fucked me back then. And still, to this day, as a fun and like, huh.

Well, I mean, think about the point of view from, you know, the women that you have been stuck with like some hot yoga chick, you know, the next day hits the group chat. And the girl's like, how was your nightless guy? She's like, I fucked a toothless fat guy. And exactly, if you're bad at fucking. Basically what I'm saying is you have earned, it's like being a, like a kid from a disadvantaged background

and you have a criminal record, right? And you're trying to get into college, you're like, I know my grades aren't great and I know I had a shady past, but you will not regret it if you give me a chance. If that kid goes and fails and robs, you know, steals a box of uncrustables from the cafeteria,

he's going to jail. Basically, as a fat toothless, also broke back then. Like, Compton was starting to make, money, but I wasn't, you know, I had, I wasn't like, you know, I couldn't just be like flex with cash, right? Sure. I had enough to take you out on a nice date, but everything I had going for me, if I then

am bad at fucking, then they're going to be like, biggest mistake of my fucking, they're going to be pissed. But if I'm good at fucking, they're like, hey, yeah, that was a fun little experience. Hell yeah. Fucking that dudeless guy who's, well, my clit fit in the gap in his teeth. Yeah. He could just gum my pussy for a little. And now, and now, and now, and now cut to that hot chick, like she's married three years later.

And, you know, her husband takes her to go see Tony. Yeah. And then she's, he's looking like, look at this fat fucker. And then she's like, yeah, no, ew. You know what? Yeah. That's really funny because they probably are, that's going to be tough. Especially if these guys were like, Comtown fans or something.

Yeah. Because those guys all hate, like, not all. The ones that have stuck with me are the bet. Like, people who are with you from the time you're 25. Oh, my God. And have been with you at every incarnation. Those are, I love you guys so much. but there is a nice contingent that blames me for steal,

take, in their minds they see it as I have destroyed the one thing they loved. Got it. Right? And if one of those, if I happen to have fucked one of those guys, the lady he ends up marrying, if that comes out, that could be really devastating. And don't tell them, girls. Right.

Never tell, it's not worth it. That actually would be one of those moments where it's like, you fear for your safety, like you got to know how to defend yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not, I didn't even fuck some guy's current wife. It's just I fuck some guys now wife. seven years ago. Yeah.

And I still think if it's the right guy, that's a big problem. That actually happened to me once. I was out of show. I think I was at the Charlotte Comedy Zone. Shout out the Charlotte Comedy Zone, which I will be returning to in November. We did the even shittier

one of the Greensboro Comedy Zone. And I had a blast. Shout out to them. And you know your, listen, it is just shitty. Let's not, it's in the B. I can see the BP. Right.

Like, there's no, you can see the parking lot you're in right. In the thing. And it was clearly like a, it used to be like a stone store. Like they sold like bricks or some shit. Yeah. And so they had, they had like hilarious, like beautiful stonework, masonry around it.

And clearly this used to be a showroom for tiles. Right. But they didn't change the decor. And literally the owner who was the man working the friar. Yeah. The owner was making pizzas, working the friar, and kind of like checking on us in the green. I've never had the privilege of the honor, but hopefully my agent's listening. That's where we want to go next.

Right after we do the Sacramento Punchline, which is above that mattress store. Somebody about a baby. Oh, yes. Sorry, no step on that. Yes. I love that. That's a great club.

That is a great club. It is above a mattress store. Although you know what's weird about that? And listen, I work at a lot of Live Nation venues. Why is Live Nation buying comedy clubs? I don't know. That sucks. I don't know.

Listen, I don't think we should have a, I think there should be, it's so funny because people talk about capitalism is good. The version of American capitalism we have is just like a company gets successful and now they just buy everything. And it's like, I've had a great time work with the Live Nation, but I would love if they had two competitors.

Like, more, five competitors, right? Or just that no company should own every anything, especially not every art venue. And so, and look, the big theaters, that's one thing. But a comedy, like, it's above a fucking mattress store. Come on. You need this live person? There's a fish restaurant I can smell at its door.

Yeah, you own Madison Square Garden. I believe that's your boy, Dolan. Oh, that is, that is. But Live Nation is, they're in with Matt. Aren't they like the official MSG buyer? Oh, you know what? You're probably right. I thought they were.

But I just know they have a bunch of awesome. MSG owns like every awesome. Shout out to radio. I did radio city this year. That was fucking awesome. You did the theater at MSG, yeah. I did Radio City in 2023. It was one of those moments where I did I did Radio City Friday,

theater at MSG Saturday. Oh, wow. And I felt like literally like the king of the world. That's incredible. Yes. And then, you know, systematically. year by year, it's just went like this. Yeah.

But I can feel myself getting back up. Can I ask you a question, though? Do you have to get back up? For real. Good question. Because you, what you're describing is two of the most iconic venues in New York. You sold it, you sold, that's 10,000 tickets. It was, yeah.

That's fucking ridiculous. Yeah. And to do that once, you did it. It's a good point. It's sort of like the Pat Riley. What is, I think what is striking comedy right now, is the Pat Riley idea, which popular, I've heard Bill Simmons,

I'm not going to sit here and pretend I read that. By the way, Pat Riley, his memoir. 1990s, Pat Riley Nix, every single one of our mothers wanted to fuck him. 100%. I would fuck him.

Like, if you showed me a picture of that guy and he was so suave. Oh, yeah. Like, if you could look, he looked so good in a fucking suit. The disease of Moore is his idea. It's like once you win a championship,

like, again, I'm just parroting Bill Simmons, who was quoting Pat Riley here. Once you win a championship, even role players like it gets their head right and look I think we're both funny guys sure we're calm we're at the at the top of stand-up but we're role players yeah are we do we have to be do we have to be MJ we're not no malaney Shane do it you know what I mean like you guys fucking

you guys keep playing arenas yeah I'm I would love I actually kind of want my career to stop going this much interesting I would love to just play it's a blessing to play 2,000 Cedars yeah Did you ever in your wildest dreams when your fucking dad is, you know, putting, putting bets on the Mets? Yeah, when my mom is smuggling me in the back of an Amtrak car to get away from my father who's wanted by the mafia, and I'm living the first six months of my life in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. No, I never dream that I even sell out Gotham Comedy Club. I was like, one day I'll do a Thursday at Magoobie. And now I'm playing the Chicago theater?

I'm playing MSG. I don't fucking deserve this. Right. Our heroes, the people we looked up to, they never, better comics than us. Never played theaters the way we did. We just got lucky. We're in the era of $200 million guaranteed contracts. And they were in the era of fucking conversees and flying.

That's a good point. Right? Like, legends played comedy clubs. And look, we played comedy clubs a lot too. But they played, they might have done a theater once or 12. Like somebody was telling me a story where it's like, Ray Romano, when he, maybe it was even you. I did. I was just going to bring him up.

Ray Romano. I was at, with him at the comedy seller once. Great guy, obviously, legendary comic, you know, made tons of money. And a great guy. Great guy. Like, I think people forget comic. I don't know him as a guy. He probably, she seems like a great guy.

I think people forget because he's so, and he became sneakily, crazily, a great actor. Like, imagine Martin Scores said he didn't know who he was. Yeah. And he just liked him as an actor for the Irishman. And he was great in it. Great. I mean, Romano might have the best, in terms of the best lives. Yeah.

I think it might be him. Ray Romano. Even Sandler, who's the man, he's so famous. Right. And he's figured out making movies with your friends. But Ray Romano, dude, great comic, legendary sitcom at a time where if you have a sitcom, you are richer than God. No, dude, Ray Romano to this day is still getting, I would assume, checks from everybody was Raymond

for millions and millions of dollars. His entire Albanian family would huddle up against the fucking TV and watch Ray every much TV. We loved everybody. loves Raymond. Watching it live from a dirt hut. They saved up the electricity for the week just to watch an episode of everybody loves Raymond, no hot water.

I interviewed Brad Garrett at my old job one time for some show he was doing. And he was like, I was like, oh, I just got to tell you before we start. My family loved everybody loves Raymond. One Thanksgiving, we like binged a marathon of it for 10 hours. He was like, was your TV broken? Yeah, I'm sure he loved hearing that. Yeah. But you know what, dude?

Ray Romano told... He's probably there promoting some indie movie where he's trying to like make a pivoted to drama. And he'll just like, I love what you played the fat or the big dumb older brother. Yeah. Yeah. Is there a way that you can, uh,

you know, put me in touch with Ray. That's my life too. It's like, somebody would come up to me and be like, dude, I'm such a big fan. I love you.

Can you get me Sal Volcano's info? I loved Hey, Babe. And so, and so... But I'm sorry. But with Ray, so we're seeing a comedy seller. And he goes, and he said, all this thing, and he started mentioning ticket sales.

And he said, you know, at the height, at the height of everybody loves Raymond, the most tickets he ever sold was the Beacon Theater, which is 2,000 seats, which was an amazing and stills amazing, but now it's like... And I'm going to say this and it's going to sound like I'm bragging, but what I'm saying is this is an injustice. I sold out the Beacon three times.

Yeah. I am not a better comic, and I do not deserve that in the way Ray Romano did. Right. And comedy needs to be... We literally need to... It's getting to the point where I'm like, tax even us. Yes.

Not even. Well, I'm not, I don't condone that. I'm just saying, do we really deserve this shit? Yeah. We're fucking stupid. No, dude, I'm telling you. We're dumb as shit. I'm telling you, Janus always tells me.

Janice has this thing where he's like, the thing about our lives as, you know, podcasters and doing stand-up is it's such a dream. It's such a good that you have to tell yourself. You have to convince yourself that you don't have any of these real problems that you think you have. You're just literally getting paid to. to make people laugh, and it should become like, almost effortless to you. He was like, so don't get in your head like this and that.

Like, he thinks it's even better than being an athlete. Because like, after you got your body, you're on the road all the time. He was like, us, it's like you're using your mind. It's different. Yeah, we don't, we really don't deserve it at all. It's not deserve it. And Ray Romano, too, he's a funny guy. I was at a, I was at a Knicks game with him once, and he was wearing a jet shirt.

And somebody in like the back room was like, you're wearing a jet shirt to a Knicks game. And he was like, yeah, I'm Ray Romano. And I was slap your cock on the table, right? Fuck that bitch. Nice, man. And I was like, hell yeah. Good for you, right. He's the man, dream guest.

Elvis, we need to do a, we should do a Patreon where we, like, we've put our fucking list of dream guests. Because Ray is way up there. And he's by-cosa. I mean, he'll come on this spot, no problem. I mean. Rosie O'Donnell, big one for me. Do you come to the comedy cell?

I haven't been to the comedy cell in a while, but I can't wait. I'm going to, my plan, I'm very, I have nothing after this. you know, the special comes out next month, September 8th guys, Tony is out in New York this week, New York and LA this week, hires comes out next week, it's the summer of stop.

Come on, dude. But once all that is over, and I'm going to promote the fuck out of my special because I really believe in it and I worked really hard on it. We got Matt Johnson to direct it, who's the fucking man. Once that's done, though,

I was going to go to Greece, but I decided like, it's going to end in around October. Yeah. The best city in the world to be in October. November, New York. It's really... The fall in New York is unbelievable.

The fall in New York is unbelievable. So I'm basically just gonna be a tourist here and do stand up for fun, dude. Yeah. Just go up and not try and work on anything, not worry about, oh, a special, oh, I need fucking clips. I'm just gonna go have fun, eat the wings that took my tooth, because the comedy seller. Is that true? Did you break your tooth? I was watching Mark Norman run his hour at the fat black pussycat and I cracked my fucking tooth.

And this is when I was fucking broke, dude. Right. This was like the very early days of Comtown where it was like shit was not going good. Right. And I couldn't have a dentist. I had to go to my mom. I cracked the tooth. Actually, you know what?

The tooth cracked because it had started bothering me before I even moved to New York. It was in Baltimore the year before I moved. And I went to my mom. My mom just had a dentist who was like a nice guy that just did cash root canals. Sure. You know? Yeah. In between his real paying customers.

and nice guy and everything, he fucked my root canal up. I mean, cash root canals, yeah. Cash root canal. That's something I would like a paper trail for. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's something that it's like, you know, I don't want someone to squeeze me in on a root canal. I would really like him to have his full attention on my front tooth's root canal, right?

Makes sense. But I cracked literally watching Mark run his hour or something. And yeah, it was on the, it was the olive tree's wings. Yeah. And I think they're the best wings in the city. They are. And the best ranch, by the way. I don't even know what it is.

It's some kind of ranch blue cheese hybrid, perhaps. Yeah. The comedy seller has better wings and ranch than they do comedy. And that's not even shitting on the comedy. That's how good the wings are. They are. I mean, there are multiple people that only go to the Olive Tree Cafe, which is above the comedy cellar that go there for the wings and only find out years into them going that

there's a comedy club downstairs. I would have, if I didn't do comedy, I would have been one of those people, I promise you. And anyway, so I cracked it there. What the fuck was I talking about? We were talking about your teeth. We were talking about what else? I'm off the Zepi. My mom came to visit and I had to take her,

I had to take her to get some beautiful meals. Where'd you take her? I took her to get some Chinese. It was pretty good. But she wanted to do the traditional New York shit. So we didn't get the line that she came on a weekend. The line at catches was too long. But we went to Russ and daughter.

which is... I've never been there. Dude, the best lox in the best bagel locks in the city, I would say. Interesting. Because they have very high, they have many different types of high quality smoked salmon. Wow. So my mom got the Gravlax,

I got the pastrami. They have a loin, they have a fatty. Right. A loin cut. They have different levels of smoke. See, smoked salmon and cream cheese I've only, again, recently gotten into.

And I do like it because, again, I'm from a place called Ridgewood Queens, which is mostly German immigrants. So at that time, any type of locks and cream juice was just referred to as Jew shit. Right. So now that I'm out of that and the fog is cleared of that,

and I'm more cultured, I realize that locks and cream cheese on a bagel is maybe one of the best things you can eat in your life. It's so fucking good, but it did fuck my stomach up. And I was fresh off, it was the first day of Zep.

You can't get, you shouldn't do fatty fish and creamy cheeses. On day one Zepie. Day one of the Zep. What milligrams are you up to now? I'm at a nice 10. Wow, so you're pumping.

Are you doing those quick pens or are you just loading it up? Quick pen. Stomach? I have it. Stomach. Yeah, dude. Stomach.

Check out Uncle Stav. There might be some material about my journey with Zep bound. So when you Zet... I mean, 10 milligrams now, you're pushing that thing in for like 20 seconds, right? Like, it's slower. Do you just light it?

Let it. I think you just light it up. Light it up, let it go. It's not like more liquid. It's just more medicine. It's a better... Right. 10 milligrams, though,

do you've noticed that like day one, day two, it's really working and then starts to fade? All of it starts... The way this shit works is it hits you like a fucking brick wall actually it takes like four hours to kick in in my experience four or five maybe even six hours well you know at this point you know it's like oh zepi hit me i know the i know the rhythms typically it hits me the most kind of let's say 30 hours 30 to 36 hours afterwards when it's the it gets you the most like i've been sick because if you eat because the the thing i've learned and i definitely ate through it

for months sure if you overdo it date because there's a you do it you do you do it you do it and there's like four hours before it hits you. And if you, like a moron, eat like shit during those four hours, all the junk food you ate, you binged basically, because at the end, the end of your last shot, the second the fucking medicine kicks in, they're like, oh, you wanted, oh, you wanted fucking pizza and wings at 2 a.m., buddy? Yeah. Use diarrhea for a whole day. That's right. And you're going to burp those disgusting like-soulful burps-s. Yeah. And because- Because I've gotten over, thank God, because I've learned. Right. I honestly, it's like, You ever play, like, this is such a bad analogy, but like, like a, like a solid, metal gear

solid, we have to sneak around. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. And like, or even like a James Bond, like, a 007 where it's like the guard walks down the hallway. Yeah. And when there's like a moment where the guard like turns his back that you could like, you know, sneak to your objective. Day seven of the shot.

Right. Like the day before you take the shot, that's the guard is all the way at the other end of the hallway. Yeah. And that's where you'd be like, and just fucking go crazy and eat like an animal. Yeah. But if you don't stop, if you do it a little too long

and the guard turns his back and he catches you, you are going to be shit in your brain. You're going to be throwing up. Well, because, yeah, it's that slow gastric emptying. So like that food that would have normally, I mean, went out of you in 90 miles an hour shit and then you're done is now... You get the radar gun.

You point my ass at the radar gun. Yeah. It's... You don't even have to wipe. It's Randy Johnson destroying the bird. That's the fucking philosophy I'm shitting at without Zep-Bow. Without Zep-Bound. But so, but I think, you know, the, because what happened with me, what I, see,

because the, I, I took it, I took a couple of Zep-Ey. I took, I tried a little Zep-bound and it. You dipped your toes. I dipped my toes in it. You're looking good, by the way. Thank you, baby. And so, and so I had, I had stopped it. I had taken, I was taking the Red of True Tide, which I told you on Chrissy Chaos podcast,

that that's like the triple Agnes. That's like the crazy one that's like, not street legal. yet. And where did you find out about this? That, that, the algorithm. I just started talking to chat GPT every day and, you know, Instagram's just always listening to you. So they just started pumping me all these meatheads that, but then it started which at first. You talked to chat GPT? Well, the meatheads at first were telling me about Red or True Tide on Instagram, but I was like, I don't believe it. But then Jacked actual

medical doctor started talking about Red of True Tide on Instagram. So I said, now I'm in. I know. I don't like a jacked doctor. No. Something about it. I don't want my doctor's the extremes. Yeah. The little muscle that's fine. Right. Don't send me a guy that looks like Sam Seulek. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Don't send me a doctor that's like, so your blood type's looking a little. And look, I know you guys, I'm fat as shit. Who is he to fucking say he doesn't? Oh, he's fucking, I'm just saying me personally. Right. I have an aversion. And by the way, I want a healthy look at a doctor. I want a little pop in his bison.

Sure. I just don't want, I don't want neck. Right. You know what I mean? I don't want like, and I also don't want. And if they're jacked, I want them to hide it. in the office setting. Interesting.

When you see a doctor that is wearing a shirt that is just a little too small because he wants you to know he's jacked because I have, listen, I have a sex, I actually, I went to a pretty handsome doctor.

I don't want to docks him, but the guy's, he's a piece ass, right? He knows it. Good guy. Shout out. Next time I see him, I'll ask him if he's comfortable

with me speaking about. You'll DM me his info. He's awesome. He's the man. He helped me with my back a lot. And he's a handsome guy. And I bet you, he could dress in a way

that probably accentuates his body more. Right. but I don't want to notice my doctor's body. No, yeah. Because what I want is my doctor to be like, almost like a, like a, an ethereal being

of pure medical knowledge. Right. My doctor could be a light beam that, like, doesn't speak with sound waves, but like shoots energy information into my eyes. You want an Indian doctor. Like you want,

or with Indian energy. No. No, like I didn't even like, I mean like an ancient wisdom. Yes, yes, yes. Which is a shaman who also, when to be is a real scientist yes i want you that's a good point i want some mix of like i want the vibe of a a traditional medicine healer with the the knowledge and the study of modern medicine i get it you don't

want your doctor to be coming in with a sleeveless lab coat yeah and i just don't want to think of them as human beings i want them to be entities right right which is tough they're humans of course but you know and same goes like if if like like for example i had a i think i've told a story before But I had, again, back in the day when I was broke, I just went to the first dentist I saw. Like, there was just a dentist on Steinway, did no research. Yeah. I was just like, all right, fuck it. I need a teeth cleaning.

Yeah. And they're like, your teeth are really fucked. I hadn't been to the dentist like a decade, right? Right. And they're like, Jesus Christ, your gums are fucked. You know, I was getting to the point where it was like, if I brushed my teeth, it was just like I was spitting out Hawaiian punch. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because I didn't brush my teeth for like four years. And now I'm big on brushing. I know, a 30-year-old man bragging about brushing. suck my dick. But I know I'm 37, but I started brushing my teeth regularly at 30 years old. That's amazing. So you would go weeks without brushing once. And on the road, I didn't even pack a tooth brush. Yeah. I would just be like, if my mouthfeel disgust, I would do one of fucking these. Yeah. It was a real piece of shit. Yeah. Um, you know, what you do? Your parents are overworked. They try their hardest. There's going to be some blind spots when your mom works for jobs

and your dad is working late, but, you know, just. You figured it out. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Um, anyway, had at that point my doctor who at the time I thought was hot as shit in hindsight she was just a Korean woman with lip fillers sure but at the time I like that though listen I still like that but at the time it was I was really doing it for me she was kind of trashy yeah and it was like she had and it's like she was hot and she had like lashes and I literally pretended I didn't need anesthesia because I was like I don't want her to think I'm a bitch you know yeah because so because I like in what world am I ever going to fuck this woman? Right.

Right. But that just that caveman brain where you're like a beautiful, a hot woman that you want to fuck. Yeah. You just don't want to admit weakness in front of her. And this was my doctor. Right. So what I'm saying is hot guy, jacked guy.

Also, by the way, fat as shit. I don't want a doctor that's fat. No. I'll say it. I'll be a traitor to my own community. Yeah. I'll listen to the, I'll listen to both the jacked and the fat doctor.

Yeah. But I'm listening to them less than just a reg. I just want bass. I want neutrality. I get it. So anyway, I'm sorry to let me off. A Jack doctor was telling you about Reda True Trey. I get that.

Yeah, no, but listen. A guy in a Chip-a-Dill's bow tie. All this makes sense. Like, even with the doctor, like, I don't even want a doctor to like let me know that they know I do comedy. It already makes me feel like now I don't trust you. If you're spending, you should all your time should be researching cancer medicines, what are you watching my podcast? Right. I'm not going to help you at all.

Right, right, right. So, but. Yeah, that's a good point. But he said Red or Trutide. So I started taking it. And this was your doctor. doctor is a jack doctor on instagram well no no no so what happened was is is is the doctor jack doctor on instagram kind of broke down red a true title all the benefits of it and then my friend who is a doctor

no no put it put it okay my friend who is a doctor told me that he thinks like the benefits are there so when anyway i started taking it and then i just started being like uh maybe this is this is you know coming from china these are chinese peptides who knows what's in it so i said let me do the zep bound because that's the real fda approved stuff and i liked it but for whatever reason it just kind of the the the hunger, appetite suppression effects were a little bit more than the retichutite because I'm sure I was just in, I was probably not injecting anything in my body. Yeah, you didn't get the retur type

from a doctor. No, no, no, no, yeah, probably had nothing. It was just placebo. Yeah, yeah. I was getting fatter, actually. You were getting clear eyes. Somebody went and got fucking eyedrops. Yeah. Horded into a little glass vial and was like, here you go, Chris. I was reading about this. It's good for you. Yeah, $6.50, cash only. Yeah. And, yeah. The way I don't want

cash-only, uh, fucking... Rout canals? I don't want cash-only fucking put-bye. So what happened was is I took it, and then, like, it was doing what we're supposed to do, making you not hungry, a little nauseous. And then I kind of was feeling like a little constipated. And that does happen. And so I don't know what happened.

Like, I woke up, we were actually on our trip in Colonial Williamsburg, Virginia, which is where I make my family go each year. You're the funniest guy in the world. Yeah. You really are just a dork who's like liberal, likes gay. And I don't mean that in the right way.

You like gay media. We're talking on your body as you like Moona, which is a band I love. I love it. They're so good, but it's like lesbians and trans and non-binary people who make just bangers. You like the 1975, which is I like that band also because I like, you know, but that's literally music for women. No, I literally, the way I found out about Munez because I put the 1975 Spotify playlist on and Muna came up. And I was like, I like them because they kind of sound like if the 1975 were even bigger lesbians. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so I was like, I'm in. You know? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. So, so, but I love listening to the 1975 and pretending a model broke up with me. Sure. You know that piece of shit's writing songs about the hottest one of all time? Yeah. And they're, and you know what I mean? It's like, yeah. I love pretending that's my life. Yeah, I love listening to that and pretending I'm a foppish little British man. Right. Who just got head from, who, you know, broke some hot woman's honor. She cheated on him or something like that. Bang and Taylor Swift. Yeah. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Oh, famously, of course. Famously. And so Maddie Healy. Good. Good.

Well, Greg. I remember that. He went on their show. And he was, oh man, that was so funny. I was so upset when I saw Maddie Healy on the Adam Freeland show because I was like, I wanted to be the comic that got him. Oh, he probably would hate you. And I, I know. I know. Yeah.

Well, I purposely brought him up on Joe Rogan just so it was like, maybe he'll hear this. And he did. And then he reached out. He reached out. No, he's the man. Yeah, yeah. And so we started talking. He's a funny, cool guy.

He actually is funny. But it is. It does, Jasmine, my wife, like we went to the 1975 concert in Master Graeme Garden. And I was like, couldn't wait. to like, oh, backstage and meet him, and I could feel it was turning Jasmine off. You know? Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, it is, it's the meme of like, is it, uh, fellows, is it gay to like music? You know what I mean? And you know what? When your wife's Puerto Rican? Yeah. It is.

It is. Because you're, that's a, if it's a man and you like the song too much, you're gay. Right. And if it's a woman and you like, oh, you want to fuck her? Fuck her. Right. Kind of in a, you can't, you really can't,

unless you listen to Bachata. Well, do you do this? with music, when I listen to the 1975 or any musician, what I do is I get, going to La La Land and go into a dream fugue state because I envision me being the lead, like I envision me being the lead singing

the next to the crowd. Is that what you do? When I was a little boy, that's how I used to say. Where I was like, I'm like this. Because there was, I've said this before, but I was like, I really thought I was so hot because I think my mom believed in me so much and told me I was a handsome boy so much

that like, it really, really took me like until fourth or fifth grade to be like, wait, I'm a little, I'm a little fat guy. Yeah. I'm not the piece of, like, I was like, why don't these girls like me? Right. I was like, huh, in the movies, all the characters that I identify with go up to a girl and she's immediately in love with them. Yeah. But in my life, they're all really mad when I try and talk to them. Yeah. What's going on there? And then I figured out, oh, my life's going to be different. Like, literally, Stamos, I thought I was John Stammer. Right. In my head. In my head, and I thought, when I was a little fat boy, I saw myself as a child version of John Stamos in a leather jacket

with my hair sleeve. I'm not joking. You're like, mom, is it, in America, is it normal when girls like you for them to pepper spray you? Is calling the police because you ask them how their day was? Is that a type of flirting, mom? Is that American or is that how it is in Greece, mommy? But so, but so.

Anyway, I don't do that. But yeah. The depth bound thing. So I took it. I was talking about colonial woes. I just think it's so funny that at your heart, you're a like, you're a liberal who likes, you know, queer, coded art. Yeah. Is a history.

And I love history. And I was beaten up for it a lot growing up in Ridgewood, which is, by the way, is the biggest historically designated place in the whole state of New York. But Ridgewood is the history. If you go throughout Ridgewood, Queens, all brown, you'll know because all the street signs are brown. When you see a brown street sign. When you see a brown street sign. that means the historically designated area. When you see a black street sign,

that means that that actual street, not only is it historically designated, but the root of it hasn't been changed since they discovered it. So you see those a lot downtown, and then green is just regular. Right. So that's pretty gay that I even know that.

That's awesome. I love that. No, but you're a dork, is my point. You're a dork and your wife is like a hot Latino spin instructor. And your children will probably not respect you. 100%. They're going to see you.

is a dork, but that's good. That's who you're meant to be. Yes. I think the problem is you need to get cucked. Right. You, in your heart, you're a cuck, and you're fighting against it, and you're trying to be an Italian who cheats. Right.

And you're actually a dork who should be getting cheated on. Yes. And then you, on the side, hire a non-binary dominatrix to get it out of your system. But I do think I'm getting closer to that being, I think I'm getting closer to realizing who I actually am and what kind of life I actually want. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I've been living the version of what other people want me to live. But it's not really what I want.

No. I want to be front row at Moona while my wife is having an affair. And you know what? That's exactly what you need and deserve. Yes, what it is. That will bring balance to your life. Yes. Truly in a way that I'm not even joking anymore.

Yeah. Yeah. And I think then you'll see the best, my best, how you put out your best work on Netflix and this special coming out. Hopefully. You'll see my best work. You'll see my best work when that. happens. Honestly, the Chrissy Cuck special, the like you dealing with getting cheated on,

accepting it and becoming a good, you know, and just being like, but this is my life. Right. And I'm happy to do it. I love her. Right. The best. Because I would also be really interesting. Yeah. It would be interesting art to, has anybody done a special about getting cucked? Right. Because people have done, obviously, we've got divorce specials. We've got no. Richard Pryor setting himself on fire. No. I would love a really good. And we've had obviously, some, like, you know, there have been like, let's bounce back from getting canceled specials that have their own specific energy. But bounce back from getting cucked specials. Now, that's new. You haven't seen that. Because that's not, artistically, that's interesting.

That could be it. Because I've noticed something about me as as the years have went on in my career is, is I have the look of like people, like, you know, some of like the more like liberal crowd or the crowd of like maybe comedians who came in and were like beaten up as kids in school and they got into comedy. They initially look at me and are like, fuck that guy. But Then they get to know me. They're like, you know what, Chris is okay. I like Chris, like, even, even Red Band, who hates everybody. And eventually he did come around to fully despising me.

But initially, when he first heard about me, he was like, you know what, I'm on the fence with Chris. I don't hate him right away. I don't hate him right away. Right. So that tells me that there's something in me. I'm projecting something that I'm not is what it is. Did you ever bully?

No. You never bullied. I never bullied. As a matter of fact, when I was always on the teams or the athlete, whatever. I was hanging out. You were great at basketball. Could play sports. You had the ability to bully.

You had the build to bully. And I never did it. And you never did it. I was always the guy that was like talking. Like there's multiple people that I went to high school with that the friends in my group chat when I went to high school with. Don't even know that they spent four years of their life with, you know, that Korean immigrant kid. But I know, you know, son. You know?

And I would talk to him and we would hang out. I never played the Dungeons and Dragons and that stuff. But I was never mean to them. And I would never like, you know, just flip over their table or hip. you know, hit him with catch up. I would just never did that. I'm like, ah, whatever. So, so for me, I think as life is going on, I'm realizing like, okay, you presented yourself

as somebody for all these years, but that really, with comedy, the real you's got to come out here. Totally. Now, now who that guy is, I'm still figuring out, but I know it's probably, because I, the first five years of my comedy career, I presented myself as an Italian immigrant. Of course. And then I realized that I'm actually mostly German. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I remember, I didn't know you at all. still like an open mic or you had a great letterman set about sort of your dad being in the mafia. Yes. And it was really, it was really interesting. And it's not true. And it's yeah, it's mostly fabricated. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Even my 9-11 bit is mostly fabricated. The one thing that said made me stand out from the back. But I look at, I think it's more of who I wanted my dad to be. Yeah. You know? Right. So that, so it's interesting. Your dad sucked the guy's dick. Yeah. The real stories. He was like, I'll do anything. La, blah, blah, blah. So my therapist told me, he was like, you know, you've done something interesting.

You've taken who you want to be and who you want your dad to be and your mom to be and your life to be. And you've presented it, which is what creative artists do. So he's like, you've, you know, if you were a painter, maybe you'd be painting stuff, but you do comedy. So the presented, he goes, the problem with you is because you are such a naturally honest, vulnerable person, you're presenting these things as truth when really in your, it's not who you are. So you got to get to the point now, hey, present who actually. actually I am who actually my family is. Did you have as a child, were you a liar? You're big time. Yeah, yeah. But I was a liar, but it wasn't, it was interesting therapist

uncovered this. It wasn't to be deceitful. The lying that I would do about my dad or family heritage was more of a protective state because like I didn't want to tell someone that, oh, actually my dad, you know, gambled and lost everything. And my mom, I would say, oh, he's not here because he's in the mafia. So I would, that's what it was. It wasn't to like get to be deceitful and like, give me stuff. It was, right, right. It was, you didn't want to explain the sort of very specific kind, like, you're, a complicated guy, right? Like, half a deadbeat, half a good dad. Sure. Had a weird, very weird relationship with your mom, even when they were, were separated. Yes, very weird. It's, it's hard to, uh, it's hard to communicate that in a school yard.

Yes. So you then go to, in the neighborhood, I grew up in. If I grew up somewhere else, if I was like in Long Island, you could be more open, but it's like, you're not, you, to you, You grew up in a neighborhood where Long Island is the place you could be more open and with your feelings. Yeah. Yeah. You know, liberal Long Island. Yeah. You go over the shore and you can actually stay how you feel.

Yeah, these fucking homoals on Long Island with their grass. What are you got a backyard pussy? We live in apartments. Yeah. So, so, so I, but it's interesting as life, because as, as I'm getting older here, you know, I'm going to be 42, it's like, you realize like, okay, you have career, you having fun, you have a family. It's like you've mostly done stuff

that other people want you to do, even though you've presented it as, oh, this is what I want to do? Right. So now it's like, what do you actually want to do? What do you want your life to look at? Now, unfortunately for me and my family,

that does include moving one more time. No. You really want to move? No, no, no, I can't. I actually legally can't this time. And so, you're fucking baking pies for the police force in you, you're not going to last time we down. I'm bound to it.

I will say, I will stay in that village because my kids love to schools, but I don't know if I can keep living that house. You're out of your fucking mind. I know. I do make two. Stop talking about finding yourself and being deceitful. You weren't deceitful because you weren't lying out of deceit. It was for protection. Getting you therapist. Yeah. And get to the bottom of why the fuck you move houses every fucking I know. I know. Or why I constantly want to. It's something crazy. Dude, I don't know there's... Can I guess? Tell me. Here's my... What are you seriously? Yeah. Here's my guess.

The second you move into your permanent home with you. You know, there's my guess. You know, your family, there is no more wiggle room. There is no more, maybe this won't work out. Maybe I will be single, you know, maybe I will just be a single dad and co-parent and like, whatever, maybe that is the final symbolic end to your youth, your scumbaggery, your fucking random whores, your, your freedom on something. Because I also had a father who saw, he saw his kids as an obligation, right? And I think your dad was, it sounds like you have a good relationship. Yeah. And he was around.

But also, he left when he felt like it. Yeah. You don't have that. You don't want to do that. No, no, no. You want to be there. But somewhere deep inside to you, you, you crave the freedom your father had. Right.

To just whenever you feel like it, pick up and leave. Right. And when you finally move, you renovate, you put everything in there. Even though now you're married. I mean, how fucking long did you take you get married to a woman you had? 14 years, right? Yeah. Like you...

I had to make sure it was serious. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have fought tooth and nail not to accelerate the seriousness of your relationship because I think that represents, uh, that represents sort of finality. Right. It represents being the positive way. Great. I found my person.

I'm with my family. We're going to raise our kids in this beautiful home. Yeah. You can relax, actually. But the negative is, well, I'm trapped. Right. Right. And so that's my.

Does every guy feel that, though? Do you, no. Would you feel that? You don't feel that? I do. I do. He doesn't. I don't.

You have a wife and kids? No, no kids, but wife, yes. And you don't feel that. You feel like this person makes me better. This is what I, I like, I do. She is like, you know. Most people don't feel this. I have my friends, but I'm like, I could like just spend infinite time with her.

Yeah. And it's like easy. It's not annoying. I don't know. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. She feeds the mules the mules. She does all the things that I'm painting and women.

need to do. She polishes the stone to go sell at the market, you know, so maybe they make fucking 40s. It's very nice. Yeah. And they can buy a rootabega and make a soup with it. But it's very nice. But you're saying Stombers, you feel different. That's why you don't want to get I have. I have what you have. I have a, my guess is, no, being friends now for a decade and seeing it, I have a different version of what you have. Because you, you are sort of like, you've been, I think the moving, even though it's not true. You're committed. You know what I mean? You're in there. Psychologically, I think the moving is the one final Right. One foot in both worlds thing right because until you're in the house

These kids are gonna spend the rest of their lives with and I would say to you Stop doing that because you're fucking your kid at this point. Yeah, they can't keep moving different houses, dude And different schools. Yeah, your your daughter has like been in more Airbnbs than a touring comedian Yeah, yeah, she's been in fucking corporate housing. Yeah, and I'm like oh kids do it military dads like yeah we're not in the military. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right, exactly. So anyway, that's my hunch. That's my, it's a good point. That's my guess. Moving the kids' schools where I, I even, I was joking around, this is recently, I was joking around the other day with my 11-year-old. And I was like, I was like, wouldn't it be great to go back to Queens? And she literally put, she had a spoon full of

cheer. She's 11 now? Yeah. She had a spoonful of Cheerios right here. She put the spoon down and she said, dad, I do not want to move again. Yeah. I mean, what you're doing, whatever, the fuck you've done to her, she will in 30 years be talking to her. She'll be having this conversation. Right. One of her friends will be like, look, the reason you refuse to move is because of all the, yeah, like, your daughter is going to be in the shittiest house of all time for her entire life. Right. Because she, yeah. That's the, you know, that's the like flip of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who knows? That's true. Because she'll never wants to move. I know. Well, the thing is, too, I think that, I think that now I finally am like, that feeling of like,

I want to move. I want to move. I'm, I'm, I. I'm. I. I. I. I'm getting used to it. And what Jasmine said is she was like, I've noticed this feeling comes up a lot with you when you come off the road. She was like, part of your life, I think part of you being healthy for you is you need to change scenarios a lot.

So keep the family in one place here and you move around. Yeah, well, that's the beauty of being a touring comic. It's like when you get tired. I mean, I quote this Tom Papa joke all the time, but he's like somebody at, he had a joke back, I used to open for Tom, he's the man.

And he had a joke where it was like, people ask him like, oh, I mean, you're on the, you're on the road. you're away from your family every weekend. What's the hardest part of spending so much time away? And his answer was not whistling while I pack. Which is true. It's like this, I do think in a weird way,

this is a healthy way to channel that. Yes. You have the kind of job where you do get to escape for a weekend. Yeah. And you're with your boys. You don't have a childish existence. Yeah, dude, my dad was like, look, this life would be perfy and you can rent and all that

if you didn't have a wife and kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But because you have a wife and kids, you cannot continue to do that. I knew it was bad the last move and it had to be the final one. And it is where even my dad, who's done wild shit, was like, Chris, this is getting crazy now. You cannot continue to do this. Yeah. Well, how about we get, listen, we, we need to, I need the people know what you, what your mental problems are.

Chime in in in the comments. Is this what the root of Chris's maniacal desire to move constantly is? Sure. You let us know your theories. We're ready to hit the Stavvy's World Hotline. presented by visible. You've told us what your theories are on Chris by now in the comments. Let's see what they have.

Let's see what our beloved listeners have to say. Hit us, LD. What up, Doug? This is probably a few times. I'm the guy who on the live show you told that maybe I should quit my job as a legal assistant, which I did do. The what? But I got a different problem.

He called down a live show. You told him to quit his job as a legal assistant, which he did do. Oh, nice. Good for him. He's like, now my life's horrible. I'm poor. I have no job. I'm desperate to.

What the hell? I'm jerking off guys under the bridge. Yeah. Anyway, go ahead. So my girlfriend randomly brought up the idea of a threesome in like a very nebulous way. She was like, would you be down? Interesting. In the hypothetical.

Quite interesting. And I was like, well, yeah. No hesitation. I'm like, now I'm like, well, done? she definitely wants a three-sum. The problem being, we've had some, let's call them loyalty issues in the past.

So I feel sort of like her. Not cool bringing it up myself. I think then she'll, again, I'm going to trigger anything like that. Pause this. Does he tell, does he say who has the loyalty issues?

He doesn't specify, but it looks like, it sounds like he's, you know. Either he cheated. Yeah. Which, listen, if she's bringing it up and you cheated,

hey. What are you going to do? But if she cheated and you have the loyalty issue, you're scared about her, you saying I don't want to trigger her about it means you're a coward, who actually is feeling a little insecure about this idea but doesn't want to bring it up to his girlfriend

who cheated on him in the past. So either way, I think if she's the one who cheated, I think, you know, you should bring it up. If you're the one who cheated, you don't have to talk to her about it, but you need to search your soul. Right. Really think, are you capable of having this threesome and not, you know,

like the fucking sharks in Finding Nemo? When you taste a little strange pussy, are you going to go crazy afterwards again? You know what I mean? Yeah, and if she's the one that cheated and this threesome isn't going to include you and another guy and her, then what I do is I cordially invite you to the Muna concert with me. It's just a matter of time until you and Chris are from. Yeah, we're going to be there, but checking their schedule right? Yeah, finish. Let's see what else she has to say.

Do I just let it rock and see if she brings it up again, or is there a way I can finagle this actually happening? Oh. All right. Peace. That's all. Okay. That's, okay, interesting. I mean, again, going back to what we just said, think about those two things. I would, I would let it. I would not force it. I would not bring it up unless truly the. perfect situation, which I don't even know what it would be, right? And my other question would be like,

is your girl? Like, yeah, what kind of threesome is this? Yeah, that's the big question for me. I assume it's girl. My assumptions from his overall demeanor is that it's girl, girl and she's interested in a girl, but my hunch is that she's the one who cheated. Maybe I'm wrong. Well, he said she's had some loyalty issues in the past. He said she did or we did. He said We did. Oh, okay. So my guess is that we, you didn't give us enough information from being completely honest, but what are these loyalty issues?

Let me ask you, first thing you have to realize is, do you actually want this? Do you actually think you can handle this? Right. The fact that you even brought up the loyalty issues to me say no, right? Right. Like to me, this is such an incredible needle to thread. Or thread to needle. Needle to thread.

This is such a tight needle to thread. Fuck you, don't fucking laugh at me, you fucking piece of shit. That it has to be comically perfect circumstances for this to, A, happen, but B, happen and not ruin a relationship. I'll tell you this, it's never worked for me. It just, I think it's a bad idea. Have you had them in relationships or have you floated them in past relationships? Well, it's been floated in past relationships. It got floated to me by a girl.

And I didn't realize that how eagerly and aggressively. Yes. Yes. Yes. No. Woo! Who! Hurry up!

Yeah. Like that. And it was, I walked into a trap. It was set up to see that she wanted to see that knee-jerk reaction. And it confirmed all the things she believed. And it ended the relationship in a matter of days. Oh, my God. You fell for the like, the.

cop being like, so you've been drinking tonight? Yeah. Well, just a couple officer. You literally like, just five. Yeah, yeah, like it was like, that was a long time ago. It was like, hey, like, you know, you go on the road. I know there's other women. Like, you can't have sex, but you can get blow jobs. I was like, oh, great. That's that really great. And she was like, no, the answer is supposed to be no. And you know what? This isn't working out. Good for her. I'm on her side. Yeah. I mean, that would be pretty sweet if a wife was okay with that. But 90, actually 100% of them are not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chris just did it to himself. Right. No woman even asked him, he felt, you felt for it yourself. Yeah. You just said, oh, that was dumb in the past. And then you're like,

no, listen, if somebody let me do that, it would be awesome. Yeah, I would do it. Yeah, I mean, you know, but that's why that auto blow machine is. Cuck 27, Chrissy Cuck, 2027. That's what you need, that's the vision board. That's what is. You need to get cheated on it. Yeah. It's coming. Let's flip the paradigm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's when you'll be free. Free. Because I also think part of cheating that much is, kind of an insecurity of wanting to have kind of the upper hand when you're sort of, you don't really believe in yourself at the very, very core of things. But anyway, that's more armchair, armchair speculation. I like it, but that's why we're here. That's why we're here.

This is, this is, none of this is legal. You don't, I'm not, you can't fucking sue me for shit. This is all entertainment. That's what it is. Um, so yeah, dude, I think, I would say you're just not capable. I can hear the, how eager you are in your voice. This loyalty issue I need to know more about. Yeah. But my main question is, do you think you could handle it on multiple levels? A, do you think you convince her? That's a hard.

But no, she brought it up, maybe, right? So I will actually give you, you might be able to convince her. Right. B, think about this, man. Think about this actual experience. I would say, I know Uncle Stav on Netflix is coming out in September, but why don't you check out live at the lodge room where my final joke was about the first time I'm out of threesome and my dick could.

not get hard. I was so overwhelmed. Yeah, yeah. I'd been there. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. It's like, it's like, look, we all want to play. A lot of people say, I want to be in the finals. I want to play in the playoffs. Those bright lights say it a lot of people shrink. Yeah, do it. Do you think you have it in you to fuck two girls nice? And that's my nickname in back in Queens is because there was this big tournament, this big three on three tournament called the Tommy Ashton tournament at St. Sebastian's in Woodside. And you would play on the side courts like it was a big tournament. And then if you got the championship, you played on the main court in front of everyone. And I was lights out on the side court. We would every year make to the championship.

And then my knees would buckle. And I would be awful. So my name to my friends is Chrissy Sidecourts. Chrisi Sidecourt. They call me that because I, again, and bringing up to the beginning of our conversation, I'm not the guy that wants the arena or my dick will get soft in the beginning of threesome. So understand like this American dream is not, you don't have to go, you don't have to eat at all. Yes. Take a little bite. Totally. So the threesome might be, I can also hear in his voice, like he's not a threesome guy. If you're calling into the show to get advice on it, you're not that dude.

You're not that dude that's going to just. That's actually, that's a really good point. Yeah. The guy who's ready for this does not need my advice. No. We have a threesome. So, but I would just say that's what I would, that's the worksheet you have to do. Right.

Is can you convince her? If you got it, do you think you do a good job and enjoy yourself? Do you think your relationship could survive it? Yeah. If you were not. sure about any part of that, don't do it. Don't do it. That's all I can tell you with this general information.

Yeah. And without you telling us what the loyalty is. Yeah, because what's going to happen, dude, is you're going to, first of all, if this girl, you're in the relationship with this girl, and then you wind up being a threesome with another chick, you're going to come in three pumps with the other chick. And then your current girlfriend is going to be like, what the fuck was that? Because it's new pussy and you're just going to, you know, it's a lot of ways this could go back.

It's just got mostly downsides. Yeah. Yeah. And look, if- Using Occam's razor. I would say, without question. The Occam's razor would say, don't do this.

But look, you got to be a dreamer sometimes. 100%. And I'm not, if you think you can pull it off, I'm not going to tell you not to swing. Dream to imagine. Do it. A classic, that's a refrain in my life. And I will also say, and actually here's a fourth thing to say,

let's, okay, for this, can I pull this from off rubric? Those three are if you want this relationship to last. Yeah. Now, let's say this woman cheated on you and you're still resentful on some level. and you're like, fuck, I just want to have a reason. This isn't going to last. I'm not going to on the record tell you to do that. Right.

But if that's what, you have to make this decision in your heart. And I would also say, look, maybe it is a, maybe it is a casual relationship. And you're both in it for something for fun. Yeah. Who knows? Who gives a fuck? But do the worksheet, fill out the worksheet we just gave you and you have to make the decision for yourself, my friend. Go harder, go home.

What else we got old? turning 39 and being trapped in the classic male midlife type of problem and I kind of need you to think so after day I've been seeing this 41 year old woman she's super charred successful

in my like similar career paths but she's an entrepreneur but she's on this like warp speed timeline to have kids kind of immediately part of me likes the idea of a stable future but three months out of an eight year relationship that you know

I don't even know if I want children. Okay, so we got option B. I'm also talking to a 21-year-old. It's completely fun, easy, zero pressure, and it, like, feels amazing. Mostly because my brain is fried from his baby clock pressure with option A, but... Right, your brain is right, so you have to fuck a 21-year-old.

It's the only way out. Come on, dude. And also 39, look, I'm not going to tell you how to fuck somebody much younger than you, right? I think age gap stuff is a little overdone. Right. 39 and 21, like, look, there's a point where it's like we just have to decide these, we're all adults, but I do think you bump it up a couple years every, the older you get, right? Right. Maybe in your mid-30s, 21 is something. Yeah. 39, I would bump it up to top. Bump it up. Yeah. I think to me, my line is kind of 24. 24, yeah. And it's not, I just feel like that's where it starts.

I'm 37. Yeah. Most of your movies are with 8.20. 24. Yeah, so. A.24 put out, yeah. My movies are by A24. Yeah. I get head from a 24 year olds. That's how I leave my life. And dude, the company's so happy for that. They're proud of that. You're a company man. Yeah, I'm actually, I signed a deal with A24. I can only get head from 24 year olds. But anyway, look, I'm not going to poo-poo. Whatever. I think the age gap shit can get overdone. Right. But I do think there's just, what are you talking about with a 20-year-old? I think a 21-year-old. And also he said entrepreneur, which, if I hear the term entrepreneur, you're down three pegs in my... One thing that changed for me, because I am a man of science, is one thing that changed for me... First and foremost, you're a man of science.

100%, is that I saw this whole science thing and then looked really into it, that most people's, females included, their brains don't fully form until they're 25. Oh, wow. So really, theoretically, even at 25 should be the... Now, I did bank plenty of girls through 20, 21. You can't change your past. Sure, sure, sure. But since I found that information, I wouldn't touch any, I wouldn't even

entertain the idea. If I was single, which I'm not, I'm an happy, love marriage. Right, right, right. 25 would be 25 and over. I, and I think, yes. And actually, going back to Ray Romano, I remember a joke where he had where I think maybe was in a later season, where

is he like his daughter was getting, was teenager, maybe you had like a niece or something, and, and, and, uh, and they were like, well, you're gonna, you know, it's like, oh, come on, you know, uh, I don't remember. Anyway, the point, I'm, this makes no sense. You got jeep brain. The joke was something about, I don't like that on girls under 25 either. It was something about dressing slug. Sure. And I, let's, I remember Ray Romano in, in everybody else Raymond making a joke about, even to him as a married man, like 25 was the cutoff. And I think that's actually, let's bump it up.

You know what? Sorry, 824. I'm going to, I'm going to bump my up. I'm now 825. 825. Yeah, yeah. Like, that's, that feels like a good cutoff. And that's good.

And I think with this guy's problem is the 21-year-old is not going to, that's going to be a nightmare. The 21-year-old. How about, let's let him finish. Because to me would kind of bothers me. It's not even dating somebody younger, but it's this weird, juxtaposition he's done where it's like either a woman who's age appropriate or a 21-year-old. And it's also like the answers right there in the math just date a 30-year-old and you're good.

Right in between. You're a man of science. Now you're a man of mathematics. That's what it is. Let's get the mean. 40 plus 21, 61, 61, divided by 2, 30.5. That's why. And then you have zero problems.

And then you're kind of right in the right beautifully in the zone. In the Goldilock zone. Do we need to, yes, exactly. Exactly. Right now, one is two hundred. hot, one is too cold. Let's get right in the middle. Does he have more elders? With option A, but

man, I'm 39 and she's 21. I kind of just like look like her cool uncle. You don't look like that. That's weird. But, so my question is, do I suck it up and step in the adult world? They see uncle. A, rides a reckless rebound

wave with option B, or do I just stop being a coward and kind of just pull the plug on both them and goes to in a dark room. We were joking about it. We've heard enough. We were joking about it,

but literally what we said is what he should do. Yeah. This is not a, A or B. The first woman sounds great, but you're not ready for that. You're just not ready for that.

You're probably, you're kind of immature. Yeah. And also you just got out of the relationship, right? You can't also be banging a girl where there's a more than 50% chance with the same age as her father. That's also.

You're right. Holy fuck. Because many people are kids at 18, 19 years old, So I'm just saying it's still probably, there's, it's a higher chance than normal. You're right. You know? You're right. It's, it should be 25, 25 and up. And then 15 is the age gap that should be the Yeah. When can you not be her dad? Right. Exactly. Yeah. Let's start doing that. Yeah. Because six, I feel like 16 is when all the teen pregnancies. Yeah. So, okay, we're doing a lot of science here.

See? But, but, but yes, dude, look, I don't understand why you've, you've, I think you've made two mistakes. One is getting into, a starting to date someone who could be a real partner for you if you were in a different place in your life. And look, also, that's a bit of a cop out if you really wanted to be with her. Like, the idea that you're out of an eight-year relationship and you're not ready for something serious, other people might say like, hey, because you're not fucking young either, right? Like, I've been thinking this where everybody around me is having kids and I'm like, if it's going to happen, it's got to happen soon, right? And so for you, it's not, She's not being out of line wanting to have kids with you.

She's 41. You're 39. You have more in common. You're in the same field. Like that makes sense. You're clearly not ready for that for a combination of reasons, right? Let's not even get into it. Maybe you're mature.

Maybe you really are, you know, that breakup is still fresh. Whatever. That's fine. That's a mistake getting into that relationship. It was a mistake to, I'm not, I don't even tell you don't have a reckless rebound. Have it with a 25-year-old. Yeah. But probably take a second.

Yeah, he said like sit in the dark room somewhere. Yeah, dude, maybe take, I'm thinking about going Valsell for the fall. Yeah. Not fully, maybe a couple weeks. Yeah, I don't know. Give me two weeks. Anyway, whatever, whatever.

I'm thinking about just spending a moment for, like, just not worrying about this, whatever. Maybe you need to do that, my friend. Take a second. And then when you're done, when the fog of war has lifted, sure. Then go date a 30.5 year old. Right, 30.5.

And then also, too, it's not fair to the 41-year-old who's kind of saying that she kind of wants kids and she, you know, her biological clock is taking when you're out there banging a fucking, you know, student. Yeah, that's the, yes, right, right, right, right. You're being a professor and her fucking student. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's the other thing. You clearly don't care about the 41-year-old because you are seeing someone, you know, that you see as a fling.

So anyway, next question. Rob Rose, Elvis, what's going on, fellas? I'm in a kind of a weird situation in my life. So I have a niece, and she just turned three the other week. And so me and her going on like a little uncle. That's cute. Neat date or whatever. I love that.

And it's my first time that I'm going to be like out and about just alone with her. Like without my sister and my brother-in-law and all that. And my girlfriend brought up this thing to me. And she was like, well, what are you going to have to, like, what are you going to do when she has to go to the bathroom? And I was like, I don't know, just let her go to the bathroom. Apparently you can't let them go to the bathroom by themselves. Wait, how old is she? And like, I don't know.

I don't feel very comfortable walking into. a woman's bathroom with a child that is not mine. I am her uncle, but like, I don't know. What do you do? It just seems like a very weird situation. Of course. What the fuck you're talking about? Yeah.

I'm good to be in here. I got a fucking baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She ain't my kid. So, hey, if you want me to look at your pussy, I will. But I'm just here for the kid who's not mine, by the way. Yeah. No, you bring her into the boys, men's room.

The fact that you're even that this is confusing to you, this is, okay, people have joked a lot. Like, these people call people call in for this but this is kind this makes me feel a little it actually makes me want to as a father somehow get in touch with your sister and brother-in-law

and send them this and say don't let your daughter leave with this kid because he doesn't even know he doesn't even have a bathroom plant he doesn't have a bad yeah I got news for you she's going to have to piss 100% and you better know if you've never done this before you better know which way to wipe front to back or back to front

because one of them gives an infection and one of them doesn't. And I'm not going to tell you the answer. Right, right, right. Do a little research. Yeah. What else? See, what else you got to say?

I am her uncle, but like, I don't know. It just seems like a very weird situation. And I feel like you guys would have like some, some takes and some advice. There's no take. I don't know what I'm going to end up doing. It's a baby that has to place. I might just have to bring my girlfriend with me. But I don't know.

Is that not weird? Sure. You could bring. But anyways, thank you boys. Eldist, Stavros, take care. Yeah, I think bring your girlfriend anyway. Can I ask. What's weird?

You're taking care of your baby niece. Like, yeah, you do, like, okay, you're, you think this is weird because you're pretending she's a fucking grown up. Yeah. He's a child. Like, if she shits her pants when she's seven, which might happen. Sure. Is that, is it weird to change her?

No, dude. No. It's a fucking little kid. We, I do think there's something weird going on where, I don't know, man. All the, like, all the, like, a lot of people have like, and obviously, were ruled by pedophiles clearly and they should all be in jail, whatever. But this guy's like, it seems like he's afraid

to be thought of as a creep. Right. That's where I'm reading. That's the sort of like, you know. Yeah, and there's nothing creepy about that. It's a family member. Yeah, I think the thing to see is like, that's insane to think that.

Right. This is a child, this is a baby that is under your care. Yet, if she was a grown adult, it would be weird to take her to the bathroom. It would be weird to change her, is it weird to change a baby's diaper? Right. Like, why do you think just because she can walk that she, like, would you let her drive a car?

Yeah. Like, I don't understand what you're talking about. It's like, what are you going to do? You think she's either baby or adult and it's like, dude, these are children. Yeah, and also, too, I am thankful that you called in because if you would have walked into the woman's bathroom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You'd be on the news. You obviously, you have to go into the male bathroom. And if you really feel uncomfortable about this, just have her shit in a plastic bag behind the venue. Yeah, go go, go fucking Chinese immigrant style. Yeah. Just have her squat on the side. Just have her squat on the side. And just have her squat on the sidewalk. Yeah. I loved seeing that in China. You'll still catch that in Chinatown sometimes. Malin had a great story about seeing a woman pull a turd out of her baby son's

ass. Oh, yeah. Just on the street. Yeah. That's how they roll. But anyway, dude, yeah, don't, you're looking after a child. Like, have you never, like, changed her diaper? I guess he probably hasn't.

But, like, you know, yeah, dude, this is part of being an uncle. Yeah. It's no big deal. I'll play devil's advocate a little bit for this guy. I took my, like, niece to karate once. and she had to like pee during it I was like oh okay cool and I was like you know

I've never really thought about this once how much does she know in terms of like how to clean herself up and wipe or whatever and I was like okay I went in there I kind of like supervised I helped her out

I got her right but my point is how old but hold on your niece was already a fucking karate she went like hilariously young oh really they just like put her in she was just like three years old

yeah a bunch of She's in there with a pacifier. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rolling people. That's really funny. All right, all right, all right. But maybe we're a little unfair.

There is something to, you know, it's good he's at least thinking about this. So now he can like have a plan. And the plan is really like, okay, imagine you were a fucking three-year-old baby who doesn't know jack shit. How would you like the adult who's your custodian for the day to fucking treat you? You'd want them to fucking make sure you're cleaned up after you take a pit and all that. So I don't know. Just think like that. Totally.

And look, I also get your very first knee-jerk reaction being like, that's fucking weird. Or like, because it is in terms of a day with your three-year-old niece or nephew, having to fucking supervise baby genitalia is the worst part of it. Sure. Eating ice cream and swinging them on the swing, that's a lot better. Of course. And I get having a knee-jerk reaction that's like, oh, that's going to be annoying. And sure, it's the most annoying part.

but it's not something you should feel uncomfortable. It's just caring for a child. Yeah, I think that... And yeah, if you need to take your girlfriend, that's fine. But I would also say, like, you should be, you know, this is being an uncle is sort of like, you get to barely, barely scratch the surface of what a parent goes through. You get to just observe more than anything.

See, this also is a big growth for you. This is a preparation for you, maybe one day having a kid, you know. Yeah. But if you bring your girlfriend, have your girlfriend go into the bathroom with her. That's the best move. Yeah, if they're close, she likes her, she trusts her. I mean, she might even be more comfortable with your girlfriend. Yeah.

Who knows? But yeah, don't feel weird out about this. It's just caring for a child. Davy, baby, eldest, the community. I realized listening to the show has been a theme of a lot of ass-related questions, so I figured I'd finally call and ask my ass-related question. Okay. Lifelong, passionate, heterosexual.

I'm a homosexual ass eater here. I've been with my wife a long time. Okay, I like where this is going. From the moment we first started getting sexual, I've always eaten her ass. Hell yeah. I'm just in general, been a fan of it. She's got a big rap video ass on her.

It's pretty spectacular. That's awesome. Lately, you know, just kind of, you know, laying in bed or whatever, and I'll just be kind of grabbing her butt like we're snuggling or something like that awesome dude and she stops me and she goes like you know i'm you know i play with my ass a lot and stuff like that's fine but why do you have to go like in between the cheeks like can it just stop with just the ass and i was kind of just taken aback

and that's heartbreaking but like i'm kind of starting to wonder if she thinks that it has something to do with like shit or scat or something like that. What? And it could not be further from the truth. You think you're... I try to explain more. It's like, look, people... Your wife finally expresses a preference she's probably been slightly uncomfortable about

for your entire relationship. And you're like, she thinks I want to eat her shit. No, she might just not like getting her ass eaten. It's like, why do you immediately think she thinks you want to eat shit? I don't... I really... It makes me think actually. you do want each year.

Yeah, actually, you know, maybe you, yeah, he's like, no, further, nothing could be further for the truth. As he just has a pile of shit. I don't want to put a freshly baked waffle cone under her ass as she shits, swirl it around and take a big lick on a hot summer day. Ew, that's gross to me. Let him finish, I suppose. Lane North, like, look, people who eat pussy aren't fantasizing about piss.

People who eat ass aren't fantasizing about shit. These guys, but. You know there's a different. piss hole in the pussy, right? Yeah. I don't think he does. I actually definitely does it. Yeah, you don't... Also, you associate pussy with piss? I've never thought about when I'm being a pussy thinking about there's piss here.

Interesting. All right, keep going on. I like this guy. It's been kind of alarming to kind of hear that she kind of just sounds like she's just put up with me doing this for all these years. Yeah. and kind of like a staple item for me. Right. That's tough. So I guess the question would just be,

how do I convince her if there's nothing gross or weird about it? Is there still a stigma around eating ass? I don't know. She's not taken aback by this. This isn't new to her. Right. She's just fine. Like, dude,

I don't understand why he thinks she's like recently read literature about ass eating. Right. Clearly, yes, all this is is that she has she's just not that into getting her ass even. Right. So let's get back to Occam's Razor. Yes. You know what I mean?

Occam's Razor, maybe she doesn't want to use Occam's razor to shave her asshole. That's what it is. Maybe she wants maybe she just doesn't want you to eat her ass. Maybe she just want you to play with her, jiggle her ass, maybe take a fucking little light, give it a smooch, whatever. She doesn't want you getting in the hole. I don't think it's anything crazy. I don't think, you know, and yes, I get why

he's devastated. Sure. But you should You shouldn't be confused or trying, like, you know, be like, Ma, I'm not trying to eat your shit. I think if you said that there, she'd be like, what the fuck are you talking about? This is tough, though. I get it. Like, if Taco Bell took the crunch wrap Supreme off the menu,

I'd be sad. Be sad. This woman's about to take the ass eating off the menu potential. Yeah, and I... Or she might make it a seasonal item. Right. You know, maybe now ass eating used to be the Big Macs for you. Now it's the McRib.

Right? Maybe you get it twice a year when pork prices fall. And listen. I know initially it coming off the menu and going back to seasonal for you might initially seem like this is upsetting. I can't do this. I need to eat her ass every day. But think about this.

If she pulls that back and you can only eat it four times a year, the chances of her one of those four times letting you eat her shit goes up. Right. Which is what you want to do. It's so clear you want to eat her shit. Yeah. So think about it that way. Think about it that way.

And look, I will say this again, this is. is just, she is just communicated with you. This is her way of slightly indirectly being like, you know what, what is this about? Why do you like eating my ass so much? And the implication is she doesn't like it that much. And I think all, from now the thing you discuss, now you negotiate something that works for both of you. Right. Right. Now you're like, all right, do you actively dislike it? Like I have dated girls who are like, I don't want my pussy. And I'm like, can't I just, it's kind of part of my warm up. Yeah.

You know what I mean? It's kind of part of my whole thing. It's like LeBron has to get to the arena four hours early. If you don't let him get, he has to get a pre-game pump on. Yes. If you don't let LeBron lift his weights and throw his chalk up in the air, he doesn't want to get right to the game. And look, for me, I want to take a couple little swore. Every once or not every time, but you can't not let me eat pussy ever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't live like that. Right. I can't. And I can't, and I also, the opposite is happening. where someone's like, look, I'm not really into sucking dick. And I was like, that's going to be a really big problem around here. Yeah.

Like, we're going to have to negotiate a settlement where we can both live with things. So you need to be like, look, do you hate this? Does it make you feel like a piece of shit? Because if you hate it, we don't have to do it. But if it's something you tolerate, I can do it less. And let's come to a number that feels right. Or, you know, naturally you'll find a rhythm where it's like, you throw it in once a month. twice a month, whatever. Yeah, we can go, I don't have to eat your ass after every meal.

Like what was previously, but let, but we can't just go to zero. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I, that's all this is. I don't think, I don't think, I have the conversation and the logical follow-up is, hey, hey, I just like it. You, all you, and you were, you were taken aback so you couldn't communicate. And I get that, right? Like, um, the best time to have a conversation is like in the moment, but that can be hard. Those are emotional. Sure. And not just sexual stuff. Like, you know, real arguments, when you have a problem, when you've been offended, when someone's pissed you off,

but you're, you know, it's natural to not, it's actually like a hard thing to be the kind of person who just says what they feel immediately, even in adverse situations. Yeah. You were caught off guard.

You weren't ready to defend your love of ass eating, but this is your wife, this is the woman you love. You can now bring this up and say, hey, I was thinking about the conversation we had, I just fucking, I just think you're, I love your ass eating.

I love your ass. I like it. If you don't, if you don't like it, I thought you like, I just assumed you really like this because I do it every time. Yeah. We can dial it back. I, if, if you don't mind, I'd like to keep it in the mix, though. Sure. I'd like to make it, I'd like to maybe drop down, like we said, from an everyday item to a seasonal item, but that's all, dude, that's the conversation you need to have. Yeah. And then you, look, she might be like, oh, okay, well, no, keep doing it. That's fine. Yeah. It's not my favorite thing, but I don't mind. Like, who knows? But again, like every, like most, most fucking calls here. Communication is key, baby.

That's what it is. That's all you got to do. You got to figure it out with your, with your, was that a salt for burp? No, no, that was just a, that was just a, uh, just regular heartburn, I think.

Oh, nice, yeah. That was, that was, that was, that was, yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys smell toast? Elders, turn the toaster off. Come on. I started speaking, hi, she's fine, she started speaking German.

I've never spoken to my arm starts going up. The answer, Elders, begin to go, a toastierra, I start speaking in Greek. I'm having a... Convulsing. Chris, tell me

what's going with the gina what's what we're so. Yeah, if you

throw the cold, I'm just fucking go crazy. Anyway, I'm not having a shock

I don't have yourself from burps. I'm going to live to at least 62. Great. Great.

Next question a little L Dunce. Based off an esteemed guess come and ask you

with a close friend question my buddy you're buddy we have a weekly movie night on Friday nights with a

rotating pick between me him and my girlfriend who I've been with for about five years let me guess recently he has started inviting

the girls that he has been dating for two three weeks and And they have been cycled. Movie night is not, anyway, let me let him finish before I jumped down his throat. And they have been cycled through. And my girlfriend is uncomfortable with new women consistently coming around.

Okay. That's fair. Would I be a dickhead or telling him that I want him to date the women that he brings to my house for more than a month before he brings them here. Thank you. Okay. This is interesting. My initial knee-jerk reaction was to be like, dude,

shut the fuck up. Watching fucking, you know, Dario Argento movies. Yeah. With your fucking girlfriend and some guy and some, like, and your best friend and the girl he's banging every once in a while. This is not hallowed. This is not Thanksgiving with your grandmother.

Right, all right. but if he's doing it every if every two weeks there's a different girl that would annoy me right and especially because it's like if i like actually we kind of have a perfect analog here eldest which is like you you and your wife if i came if we were watching a movie look if i brought a girl that i was um casually dating every once in a while no one about an eyelash but if every week we had a tradition and it's the only time and look as you as you become adults you don't really see your friends that much. It's the only time you get to kind of chill. If every time our anchor for connection, my girlfriend has to be like, so what do you do for work? You know what I mean? Like,

you're kind of forcing, if I was forcing Eldis's wife to make stilted small talk with a woman, you know, an insane woman from Instagram. With some whore from Raya. These are beautiful women. If I did it all the time, that's weird. So, I don't think you're a dickhead, but this is an interesting, again, I keep saying needle thread, but this is an interesting situation where it's like, look, but I also don't think, you know, if he did it every once in a while, I would say relax, but the fact that it's every couple weeks is weird. That and also too, one thing you said is that your wife or girlfriend or whatever is the one with the problem with it. For me, then, you have no choice. If your girlfriend was cool with it,

who cares? But because she's not, you got, like, I have a friend who frequents prostitutes. And we've met and he's, but he like goes escort. A friend. Yes, yes, yes, looking in the mirror. And he brings these girls around. Like he pays to like hang out with them. Like he's one of those guys. And we've met them a couple of different girls.

Whatever. It's always fun. What do you mean we? Me and your wife, Jasmine, because we hang out with this guy a lot. But he, she had to tell him, hey, listen, you know, obviously you've been invited to our wedding. You cannot bring an escort. Just don't. Yeah.

And he was kind of like, well, then I guess I'll just come solo. Because that's just how he is, you know? And look, no, yeah, that's a very fascinating relationship. And I want to, by the way, give a shout out to that friend. You know who you are. You just made lieutenant at the NYP. So congrats. So it's foolproof, for him, because he knows where all the stings are.

Right. And that's the best part about cops, how they equally follow the law. Yeah. And don't take advantage of their position ever at all. Um, that's fucking insane. And look, and I'm, I'm pro sex work, whatever. But it is, it's, I just, I just find that an odd relationship. It's an odd thing to do.

I don't love that. Yeah. To like, like, and look, I'll be honest, you want to, if you're, if it's like a party, if it's like a bar, whatever, but like my home. Wholesome. And again, no disrespect to, I would, it's almost like bring a sex worker off duty to your home, no problem. Yeah.

I just don't want her working at brunch. Right. Right. Yeah. Like, that's, that just feels like an odd, energetic mix. Well, and this guy, too, like, if this guy's always got new girls, it's like, you also don't know who you're bringing into your homes, like some random stranger that... But I got to say, got to be nice for her.

She's like, oh, I get ex-Bededicton instead of sucking this lieutenant's dick. Instead of sucking his fucking probably, like, a peptide-injected cock. It's probably... It's probably hot dog red from his fucking off-brand TRT's shipped to him. But he's the guy who I get the peptide from. He gets him straight out of the East River. They intercept them from the Chinese government. Yeah, he's like, Chris, we just busted another shipping container.

Peptides on me another year. That's what it is. Yeah, I mean, look, I think, yeah, you're not, I don't think you're in the wrong at all here. I think like, and look, it's, again, it's different, how old they are. If this is college, who gives a fuck? But again, as you get older, you don't get to see your friends as much. I agree with you. You don't have community in our fucking, everything in America is so atomized, especially

if you live in the burbs, you don't live like a walkable city. It's a real effort to have a weekly appointment with your friend. And it's, by the way, that's cool. I think more people should do that. I'm really excited for when I get set up and I'm off the road. I want to have like a weekly. I want to have fucking like in this office. I want to have brunch.

I want to have parties. I want to actually get to see my friends and hang out. And it's good that you're doing that. But no, I don't think you're in the wrong at all to be like, hey, man, I barely get to see you. And like you said, it's his girl. Your girl has the problem. And you're like, can we just, can this just be us or? We're happy to, we want to meet the girl.

Like if I brought, I think your wife would be thrilled if I finally had a girlfriend. Yeah. Like if she could actually make friends with someone I loved and respected, I think she would really like that. Yeah. And I'm sure this guy, because, you know, they're friends. Like he, you don't, you don't third wheel a weekly appointment

without actually being friends with a girlfriend as well. Sure. Like clearly all three of you have a good friendship, you know, whatever. And I'm sure she would be pumped if he had a seat. serious girlfriend. And you could just be like, look, dude, this is the only time we get to see you. We spent half the time fucking asking this girl. Essentially, you make my girlfriend go on a first date with a girl every week and know. Can we just institute a one month dating rule? Yeah. And by the way, that's even lax. Right. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, one month

isn't that crazy, you know? So I don't think you're in the wrong here at all. And I think like, you know, it's an interesting one because I would, I would be curious to see how he reacts, because this guy might just be seeing this is like, nice, I don't have to spend money on dating these fucking bitches. He might be like, great, I don't have to pay for a date. They think it's more serious because I'm introducing them to their friends, but really, I just want them to drink your sodas and popcorn. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Like, he could be kind of scumbagging this. Yeah. Because also, I'll say, I would find it weird to do this as somebody who's not been in a... I don't think I would. You know, like, I would not behave this way. It's very strange. Even in my single days when I would.

was an absolute idiot. I don't think I would do this. Yeah. Yeah. No, I agree. So yeah, you're totally, you're totally in the, you have no, I see no problem in having this conversation with him. And I would frame it as like, look, dude, we make an effort to stay in each other lives and we have to use half of that time, you know. Yeah. And these girls better have been showing up with fucking snacks and charcutory boards than something. No, but I don't even expect them to do that. That's expecting them to do too much. They don't even fucking know this guy. Yeah, they're probably weird. That's also probably why you have a new girlfriend every three weeks, because after you keep taking him to like your friend's wife's house

to watch movies you're like I don't like this guy yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah he's he's not doing like his due diligence to date and get pussy no it's like yeah you can't just outsource the social life to me this that's what this feels like to me it is he's just like great I don't have to make reservations we're going to frank's house and watching fucking yeah world yeah I don't love it um we got so where we at here we got something fun for us to go out on oldish yeah let's uh and chrissey in the meantime we should it we'll put you know we should say, Chrissy Chaos. Come on.

Patreon.com slash history hyenas. Christycomedy.com. Got stand-up dates. Go check them out. See if I'm coming to your city. Yep. Summer bears, two, maybe next summer.

Probably next summer. Three summers from now. Yeah. Who knows? We should just syndicate that right onto our channel here. We should. Honestly, yeah. If bird has another stroke, we're in.

Yeah. I did not even know he had a fucking stroke. I heard he had a stroke. It might not have been true. Yeah. You catch up with your friends The same way you do research about peptides You saw an Instagram real

You saw some comedy drama channel Yeah And you're like oh I must have had a friend stroke Yeah yeah yeah Crackamiko said he had a stroke Yeah give us something fun here to go out On Big Eld Hey Stove

Hey Eldith Hi esteemed guest This is just a response to A caller on the Carl Tart episode It was the guy with the huge cock And the Only Fans girlfriend, you know, his cock's so big, she has to get the IUD taking out and he's having

trouble with. For no reason, he told us. Coming up with birth control ideas, just want to say, as a 28-year-old man who has gotten of a mastectomy myself, best experience in my life. That's early. Not only did my doctor prescribe me a, oh, I got the singles van X to pop on my way in, but during the procedure, I got to huff nitrous the entire time and laughed the entire 15 minutes laughing while someone slices your cock is.

That's, I mean, that's the Joker. You're literally the Heath Ledger Joker. Yeah. Someone's got a scalpel. Someone's fucking butterflying your dick down the center. Like it's fucking chicken cordon blue. And you're fucking... That's so fucking funny.

So he's a 28-year-old that got his shit snipped, huh? That's even earlier than Ari. Respect. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. Ari, it should have been in the womb. Yeah. They should have fucking...

Fucker. So, highly recommend the bisectomy. me, the recovery, one week, tops, three out of ten pain. Ten out of ten, out of ten, I recommend. Okay. Let's crowd fund this guy's vasectomy. I like that idea. I think if I were ever to have children or decide I don't want children, I would

definitely get a vasectomy. Yeah, I mean, I have pretty much, I mean, I have two biological in a stepson, so three kids that I'm raising. And everybody I know, everybody I know who's my age who is my situation has two or more kids are like, why would you get a vasectomy? but I just feel like it takes something from my manhood. I don't know what I want. I don't know why.

God, you're fucking stupid. I know. And I don't want to get an Italian Ridgewood. Remember, you're not. You're not an Italian for Ridgewood. You're a German who likes fucking Moona, who wants to go colonial Williamsburg. Right.

That's not a challenge to your manhood, you fucking idiot. I know. A procedure that makes it so you won't have a fourth kid. I know. And it's already... And then by the way, the next time you move,

you'll have to look for seven bedrooms. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah. When you move in six months, you want to look for another nurse room. I know, and it's also like I've already upset my German ancestors by having children outside of the gene pool. So it's like, I'm just going to continue to do that.

So my German ancestors would want me to get a vasectomy. They would want you to say, stop. That's true. Yeah, you haven't done right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but they would be like, look, send some of your jizz over to Duseldorf and give it to a blonde hair blue eye later. That's what we want. And then snip your shit up.

Everybody who I know who has gotten a vasectomy says it's painless. and he says actually part of the rehab is you have to clear the chambers. So the doctors encourage you to jerk off that you have to jerk off. I think it's something like 10 times in three days. You have to go, you have to like beat. You have to go middle school mode. Yes. And it's like literally like.

Let me get an FHM magazine. Yeah. Elissa Milano on the cover. But it's like two days of like you have to call off from work and like tell your wife and family like, I'm in the basement jerking. Sorry. I've been prescribed jerking my shit. Yeah.

My doctor said I must beat my shit. Well, uh, that's it. interesting. And that's good advice. Elders, would you ever get one? You also probably think it takes your manhood away, don't you don't. Yeah, I can't give up my fucking vitality. Albanian, yeah, my Albanian go. I'll be less than a man if I do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll basically be a Kosovar. Yeah. All right, interesting. Well, that's good advice. That's our callers even end with advice. Chris, you thank you so much for being here. Thanks, baby. Great to see you. Check out, Chris. Watch Tony, if you're in New York or LA this week. Watch tires next week. And it's on September 8th.

This is the big one. Please, please watch Uncle Stav. I worked really hard on it. Directed by Matt Johnson. We're working to get some really cool, a really cool band to do the music. We're almost, we've almost finalized the deal for that. So I'm really, really proud of it. And I will say, I'm proud of the hour. I worked really hard on it. And I also, I'm proud of, we're doing some creative stuff. I mean, when you get Matt Johnson, he's a fucking, I would never, like, I would never tell this to his face. I would never compliment him to his face. He is a visionary in many ways. He's so creative. And his editors are the best. Have you, have you seen Nirvana the band the show? No, but Jasmine was watching it on a flight to Ireland and dying laughing. It's so fucking funny.

It's also such an incredible, like, technical achievement. How those guys edited it. Shout out to Curt and Bobby. Shout out to Jared, the DP on the special. Their whole team, the guys who did that. And they edited Tony, too, Curran Bobby. So good. I fucking, I mean, I can't say enough. So if it's, if it, it'll pop up on Netflix soon. It's like, remind me, please do that. Whatever you can. Tell all your friends, this is the fucking thing I've worked the hardest on. And when I'm done this, I will not ask you for anything for a year at least. I'm not going on tour. I'm not promoting shit. But you, I will be begging you to watch this special from now until the end of September. So just get ready. I will be shilling

nonstop. But anyway, a lot of stuff going on here, but lots of opportunities to see me. I'm in the Cineplex. I'm on Netflix. I'm on a sitcom. I'm doing it all. And after that, I'm going to disappear once and fraud. A lot of people say this. Oh, let me guess. You're going to lose weight. Fuck you. Yes, I am this time, man. I have to. I'm going to fucking die. I won't be able to walk if I don't lose wet soon. I can't keep getting cortisone shots to do stand-up. You know how pathetic that is? Anyway, before I spiral completely, I started plugging things and I was and then I just started losing my mind. Yeah.

And check out Chris. Check out my shit. And we'll see you soon.