Stavvy's World - #198 - Nikki Glaser and JP McDade

Episode Date: September 14, 2026

Nikki Glaser and JP McDade join the pod to discuss Nikki’s first memory of her mom, how she’s a much more glamorous employer of JP than Stavvy Baby Enterprises, the obsessive tendency to keep working, asking her parents mortifying questions about their sexual pasts for a lie detector test, how self-help books are a scam, and much more. Nikki, JP and Stav help callers including a woman who made an older woman in her GLP-1 support group cry with shame after scolding her for her love of AI, and a guy who wants to know how he can avoid going to the strip club at his buddy’s bachelor party without mucking up the vibes or getting clowned.See Nikki Glaser live and follow her on social media:https://nikkiglaser.com/https://www.instagram.com/nikkiglaser/https://www.facebook.com/OfficialNikkiGlaserhttps://www.youtube.com/@NikkiGlaserOfficialhttps://www.tiktok.com/@nikkiglaserhttps://www.patreon.com/cw/NikkiGlaserFollow JP McDade on social media:https://twitter.com/jp_mcdadehttps://www.instagram.com/mcdadebabyThanks to our sponsors!!Visible - https://www.visible.com/ SWITCH NOW!Twisted Tea - https://www.twistedtea.com/locations Keep It Twisted!!Download Cash App Today: https://capl.onelink.me/vFut/wyx330el #CashAppPod Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App’s bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. Cash App Visa® Debit Flex Cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC, and The Bancorp Bank, N.A., pursuant to a license from Visa U.S.A. Inc. See terms and conditions for the Sutton prepaid card, Sutton debit flex card, and Bancorp debit flex card. Cash App Green features, Savings, Direct deposit, Round ups, Overdraft coverage and Discounts provided by Cash App, a Block, Inc. brand. Visit cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures.☎️ Want to be a part of the show? Call 904-800-STAV and leave a voicemail to get advice!🎤 Watch Stav's new special Uncle Stav on Netflix: https://www.netflix.com/title/82055929‼️ Bonus episodes every week! Unlock exclusive, Patreon-only episodes at https://www.patreon.com/stavvysworld🎟️ See Stavvy live!! 🛥️💕!!! https://stavvy.biz/ for tickets Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Oh, pa! Welcome everybody to Stavvy's World 9-04-800. Stop. Call in on the visible hotline. We'll solve all your problems. And today on the couch, very happy to have my pals, Nikki Glazer and J.P. McDade. How we doing? Nikki's first appearance on the pod. Yeah, long-time listener. Thank you so much. First time. Yeah. So I'm calling it the biggest episode of McDade's Maniacs of all that. Oh, yeah. This is, you know what? We're going to call this is McDade's Maniacs. Because we have a Patreon sub-series. Let me tell you something, McDade, this one's going to make the free one.

You don't say. JP is really like, we keep him chained up on the Patreon. I haven't seen the light in money. We're letting JP out of the sub-basement to just, you know. I have a shock collar on right now. That's right. Yeah, yeah. Don't get used to it.

You're going right underneath. You're going right back to the sewers once Nikki's gone. On the tour bus, he puts me in the storage. unit down below. But it felt appropriate to have McDade here. I do, you know, I feel like when McDade isn't part of Stavvy Baby Enterprises, he's with Glazer Co.

Yeah, yeah, we work a lot together. We kind of have point custody of McDade. I know. I'm on loan. Whose house do you like better? You have to pick one. The judge is making me choose. Come on.

It's the clearest answer of all time. Nikki gave you a fucking Rolex. I got you like a track suit one time. I think I got a fat rascal tour t-shirt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get 20% off at the Stavi's World Store. Still got to pay for your own Patreon. Like I work at the Ford plant in like the Great Depression or something.

Yeah. It's like working for Stavi baby. A hundred percent. A hundred percent. No, I do not begrudge you at all for choosing living in Nikki's house. Overliving over living over here. Stav's a burgeoning union leader. We all know that.

Labor rights. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't tell, don't say the you word. around Eldis. I'm sorry. No, you're good to work for. People like working for you. Yes, I do.

I feel like what's the point of getting rich if you can't help your friends? Exactly. That's how I feel. It's the best part. It really is. It's truly the best part. And I joke apart all the time.

Yes, is Eldis as good at his job as his paycheck would connote? No, not at all. But it makes me smile knowing that he's not on the streets fending for himself. That is soon as he's soon, his child will have formula.

It is a cost consolidation move where it's like combining a podcast producer and a pet. Yeah. Like a pure breed Lassa Apso who can like turn on the mics. I know. I'm in the storeway under the bus with J.P. Totally. But you're on your own side. But you've made it very comfortable.

You have a little fugget. You have like a hot plate. Yeah. It's got to have a sleeping bag. Yeah. I rest my head on Elders's stomach. I'm like, this doesn't mean I like you. Just for comfort.

No, it is, it is, it is, it is awesome. It's eldest or not, oh, I thought it was Elvis. Have you ever, have you ever, have you ever, uh, run into Albanians? I don't think so, no. No. No, no. He's the only eldest that we've ever come across. Well, we've talked about it before.

His name, he is named after two women. He's named after Elmira and Yaldiz. That's right. My mom's name and my, uh, grandma's name. It's beautiful. Have you ever met another eldest? No, I haven't. I think it might be like a Nordic name or something.

I've searched it on Facebook before a long time ago. Trying to find Swedish people or something. No other eldest is. No, I guess not a lot of help, not a huge Albanian community in Missouri. Stabs. Huh? Stavs? Like, do you mean a lot of Sabros?

No, but it is, it's at least like a, it's like. It's people know it. It's not like a top common Greek name, but it's like, you know, it's like a kind of rare, but, you know. Like, I don't know, the equivalent of what's like, I don't know, somebody named like fucking Gregory or some shit. Yeah. Not even that. Something more rare. I can't come up with that.

Brandon. Brandon. Brendan's, let's say. Brendan. Brendan's a little, you know what I mean? It's a little off. The thing man's Brandon. Yeah.

I know. It's brand. Yeah, Brendan, Brandon. A lot of little little fucking variations on the name. But yeah. So I've met plenty of Greek. And then there's also like, I think like Russians, there's like Gustavs. Yeah.

They go by Stav. And then I think it's also, I think it's also, like a hot, like, Israeli girl name also. Oh, I can see that. There's been, like, Stavs and there, and it's just like some, like, you know, like a, like a, like a tan girl with huge tits or something. The idea.

Yeah, they're using. There's a ugly girl's name, stop, but we just don't know about it. Yeah, that's true. That is true. A guy's name on a girl only works if she's hot. And when it, and it works so well. Oh, man, like a hot stevie. You know a hot dog, Derek had to be?

Bobby. Oh, a hot, hot, Bob. Bobby is so good. You're so right. Yeah, they can pull it off. How do you feel about Nikki? Were you ever mad at it? Is it like the birth name Nicole?

Yeah, birth name's Nicole, but I never went by it. It was like my mom was like just in case you ever want to have like a real job. And so she always thought I was going to transition out of it. But yeah, but I never, yeah, I never went by anything else. And it's, you meet Nickies and it's instantly like, how do you spell it? Right. And we really do like judge the others. Totally.

Like an N-I-K-I is like a different, in an N-C-K-K. Y. NICK Y, yeah. That's more of the boy spelling. N-I-Q-U-E. That's an Italian guy, Nikki. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. N-C-K-Y.

Nikki Glazerino. Yeah, yeah. Oh, Nicky Glazerino. But I feel like people are their name. Like, I just feel like I'm a Nick. I've never met a Nikki who's like a piece of shit. I know what you mean. Like, I just feel like it's a nominative determinism, I believe.

Yes. And it really does happen. Yeah. What you name your kid, they kind of turn into. A hundred percent. Yeah. Although, isn't there some, I don't even know if there's a,

is true, but like I just remember in college a professor being like, you know, there was a family and they named one son Winner and one son, loser. Right. And winner was in jail and loser, but loser went by Lou, which to me feels like a cop out. What is this experiment? I don't even know if it's true or if like

some charlatan that was teaching like part time at University of Maryland, Baltimore County. That's what your tuition went towards? Yeah, this is in a calculus class? It's some guy filling time. He's having a stroke. But the loser Overcame Luser overcame

And he went by Lou And he became like a police That's what I thought like This sounds fake Because this sounds like a dumb person's Mouraps fable What's like winner was in jail Luser was the cop

Who locked him up You know what I mean? It's like that's not fucking true Look that up Elders Look up fucking In case you know God forbid you have some instincts And we're already doing it

Let's look it up But yeah I know you mean like You sort of I really got, I felt, I really feel like my name is Stavros. You know what I mean? Absolutely. I really feel like it was so. And I have a buddy who was named Stavros who went by Steve and I think his life would

have been so different if he stuck with Stavros, you know? And he was a little younger than me. Like we grew up in the same neighborhood. We lived the same elementary school. So I already paved the way in my opinion. Yeah. Because I did have, my teacher did try and get me to be Steve. And I was like, I'm my, that's not my name.

fucking bitch. My name is, and that's where Stav came. It became like the, the compromise. Got it. But still, it pissed me. I like, I'm proud of myself as a little boy. Yeah. Standing up for my. Well, you had a unique name, not for Greece, but for here. For here. That got you a lot of attention. Probably inspired the fact that you maybe like attention, that you like originality. You're so right. It just goes from there. Yeah. J.P. What about you, man? You went from, you decided to go the, you were like, I don't even want a name. I want two letters. You know what it was going to be even worse. It was going to be I was going to be Connor.

Like my mom was pregnant with me and like Connor was it. Wait, you kind of look like a Connor. I know, right? Oh, yeah, yeah. You look like a Connor. Fuck. Yeah. No, Connor's a cool guy's name.

It's coming around. It's kind of a date rapy vibe. Yeah. It's kind of coming out of that thing. Yeah, yeah. I would say we could take date off that. Just pure rape. He feeds him before.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I knew one. When did you decide, let's go JP? I never decided. I was going to. I was decided for you.

I was decided for me because I was going to be Connor. My grandpa was like, so when's Jimmy the third? Because he was James Patrick. My dad's James Patrick. And then it was like, all right, we kind of got to do it now. And they were like, but there are too many Jimmy's in the mix. So I just have to be JP. You know what's so funny?

You're not Jimmy. No, not at all. That would be the divergence. Like if I was born Jimmy and raised Jimmy, how different? You'd still be drinking. You'd still be drinking. Sure. I'd be robbing trucks. You'd be 5'10.

I'd have greased back hair. Oh, man. I'd be snapping my fingers. Jimmy McDade is an awesome. Like, Jimmy McDade is sounds cool, man. It's kind of cool. No disrespect. That's not the, you are cool.

That's not the cool you are. No, JP's a little bit soft. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Understand, like soft-spoken, but still fucking, you know. Like JP Morgan, is that it? Yeah, oh, yeah, that's true. That's a really cool JP as well. A guy who became a trillionaire and died penniless in an apartment.

He died penniless. He lost it all. Whoa. And people still take financial advice from him. That's the first time I've ever respected JP Morgan. Before I thought he was just like a horrible robber baron. But the fact that he blew that rich and blow the money is kind of awesome. He bailed out the U.S. government and then wound up dying broke.

So he balled out harder than anyone ever. Wait, wait, he didn't get, it wasn't drugs and like prostitutes. I mean, think about how much hookers and blow that is. if you have like a billion dollars in 1929. That's fucking awesome. Holy shit. But it was just from bailing out the government. I think part of it and then like at some point they, well, they stopped letting him do monopolies.

Truly. Right, right. They took the beautiful monopoly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought it was a free country. Dude. Did you look into all this because his name's JP or would you just know anything? That's true, yeah.

I got called out recently by my mom and my girlfriend for loving facttoids. Yeah. You got me. You are a factoid guy. Yeah, it's all right, that's okay. Love a fucking fun fact. Yeah, I do too. Yeah, the two women in your life that you love the most

were like, here's actually a thing we don't fucking like about you. And we agree. Because I was a kid, my mom's making fun of me. Oh, interesting. You get roasted by? Because your mom is fun and like a hoot. Did she like make fun of you for stuff around? Not make fun of it.

It was mostly just like, Jesus Christ, just like, what's wrong with you? Why are you like the way that you are? Right. You, there's something, there's something wrong with you. Which is way worse than getting roasted. It really is. Because my family. Just a disgust and confusion.

Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. I am, I can't, I have so much contempt for you. I can't even put it in a fun context. No. I'm just like, I, this is, huh, so you're my kid. You know what I mean like that?

Fuck is wrong with you. Just like, and I remember, my mom is like my best friend now, but I remember, and she's so cool. And I think this is actually kind of cool. One of my, my literal first memory that I can remember, because it was in our first house, I remember exactly where I was. I was screaming at my mom, throwing a tantrum about something. I must have been four or five. And I ran out in the front yard and she's on the porch. And I go, I hate you!

And she just leans over, grabs onto the railing, goes, you know what, Nick, I hate you too. Oh! That's your first memory? Your mom's saying she hates you? Yes. Smash cut. The Beacon Theater. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was wild because my, I remember the thought was you can't say that. Like, we know the rules of, like, this is my secret weapon. Yes. I can hit you with a low blow and you can't. And, and the, you know what? I hate. And it was just, I couldn't. And also that she just like used my insult.

I'm like, come up with your own. Like, there was a lot going on in my mind of like, how could, you're not allowed to say that. Yeah, you're not. I know she didn't mean it and she was just in the moment, which is very, you know, I'm very similar to her, just saying things when you're. angry screaming. I went and saw that. Did you see the invite? I haven't seen it. I heard it was great. It's great. But it's if you grew up in a household with a lot of yelling, it's quite. Well, that's a that has another element because I do feel like you, you know, famously talked about

wanting your partner to fuck other girls. Oh yeah. So it has, it's not only yelling, but it's also, like swinging. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's so hot. Like Penelope Cruz and Edward Norton are so good. She's out of control. It's like, first of all, Seth Rogen, What, I mean, the idea that he's married to one of them and gets to fuck the other one. Respect. You know who wrote this. He really made it out of the fact got comedy slums. Like, imagine if in 20 years I'm in a movie with like two of the hottest women of all time and they both fuck me.

Obviously, we'll have that. I don't think that. He didn't even question it. I have to say watching it, you don't even go, this doesn't make sense. There's an aura. Okay. Yeah. All right.

He's got it. You know you've got it. I mean, I could do it in real life. I'm just saying I don't know that they would cast me for that. I think I could fuck two hot girls. Yeah, yeah. No problem. I just mean like would they craft a movie around me being the guy who gets to fuck both of them?

I don't think so. The question is, would it be rage bait or not? That's true. That's true. I feel like it plays. I feel like it works. I could be used to, I could be used as a pawn to anger men if they wanted to. You could argue that is what's happening.

There might be somebody in the CIA that's like, let's make that fat bald guy thing. Amos, that'll be pissing people off. Yeah, that might be, hey, that would explain it as much as I, that's the best explanation I've heard for my run the last couple of years, by being honest. It's a sciop to piss off.

Do you question it sometimes of like what, but you get that you have Riz? Yeah, obviously. It's not, I don't question, I think, I think what's going on, frankly, with all of our industry, like both of our careers are better than we deserve.

No disrespect. You're awesome, but it's like, we don't, didn't be this famous. No. It's crazy. We should be living really good lives and have money and like, you know, have money and like, you know, and I was honestly fine with that. Yeah, yeah. It kind of just happens to you. Right. It's, I never thought I deserved any of this. And I still don't. I don't either. I was never someone that was like, I want that. How come on, I didn't get that and, and pouting about other people getting things. I mean, it was more like self-flagellation of why

am I not good enough for that, but never like, why didn't I get that? Totally. And so when you get it, it's like, imposter syndrome all day. long totally and so much of my identity was like these mother fuck how dare like it like it was like i i am good enough they just don't see it uh fuck you but then you get it you're like oh oh yeah i never had i didn't actually believe that but it was like i didn't even believe it it was just the kind thing that kept you yeah absolutely because when you like for example uh like when i lost a marvel audition to zach cherry i didn't question that he's a better actor you know what i mean like but at the time before you see who gets to things,

you're like, I can fuck it. And then it's like, it's just very, it is fucking bizarre that this shit has happened. Well, the other half of that is like, if you do get something, you're like, well, this can't be that good of a thing because I got it. Right.

Yes. I always do that. Well, they're, this is actually not as popular. Yeah, the globe's in the toilet. Yeah, totally. I mean, even though you guys literally revived it for real. It was like, they like basically sent out

a newsletter four years ago. It was like they didn't even fucking put her on TV. That's how I ended up hosting. Who the fuck wants to do this? Anyone? Really? They couldn't find anyone. Oh, right.

Joe Coy ate his nuts. That's so right. I forgot about that. And no one blamed him whether they should or, but it really was like it's the, it's the show. It's like a hard thing to do and no one wants, but I understand it. Thank God I like doing things that are live. Yeah. And in the moment because.

I mean, you're crushed. But it's because no one else wants to fucking do it. Yeah. That's what I just found something. It's a bunch of hot famous people eating dinner and you want to perform for them. Yeah, it's hell. The room is, I mean, the gig seems like as a gig,

having stand up comic brain and seeing everything as a gig, hell gig. Yeah, absolutely. Although I was pissed, I couldn't fucking, like, they couldn't, they didn't get me into the Golden Globes when Bagonia was there. And it's like, my friend is hosting. And my other, and half the staff is people I'm friends with.

I was like, that would have been incredible, but what are you going to do? Hopefully you guys are running it back. more time? Yeah, one more time. Tony, come on. Let's get Tony on there. Let's get Tony on there. Let's get Tony on there. And you call me if they don't make room for you at that table. I will. That's what I don't understand. Why not have funny people who, by the way, would have a great reaction shot. Totally. A meme after the end of the night. Me sitting next to the most beautiful people in the world with my hair in a ponytail. People are like,

who the fuck is that guy? Who's that? But anyway, what are you going to do? I was very happy to even be in Bagonia, but it just was, that was my argument. It was like, Guys, this is funny. People will react to this so much more than they will, like, just the regular, like, people regularly being there. Or even, like, presenting. They don't have enough comedians, like, presenting at award shows. And it's like, why aren't you using these people that make things, boring things entertaining?

And speaking of Zach, I pitched the bit I pitched to JP because, like, Zach's on, you know, Zach's incorpical actor. He's on one of the best shows, Severance. And when I thought I might be there, I pitched a bit where me and, me and Zach were going complain that Jacob Allorty was Frankenstein and be like, we're getting the hottest guy of all time, be the most fucked up looking monster. The fuck is this? And just like, just have an argument.

Just kind of go through like little fat guys. That would be able to be able. So anyway, that's what we lost. That's what we lost. Next time. And it's crazy that Frankenstein was still fucking hot. Like he came through. I mean, he was both the monster.

But yeah, when you get Jacob Allerty and you're kind of like, damn, I kind of want to watch him and me a goth's character. Fuck. Yeah. You know what I mean? You're like, this would be awesome. And fucking Oscar Isaac beating his shit in the corner or something. Which he was, yeah.

That's what the invite two is about, actually. Frankenstein talks. Dr. Frankenstein. Me want your wife's pussy. Put your keys in a bowl. Yeah, dude. But, you know, whatever.

We'll get. And I should say, I did Seth Myers. How was that? I loved it. He's the man. He's the best of me. He's so.

fucking flight. And at the end, I was like, come on Stavi's world. And he was like, I will. So fingers crossed. Oh, it would be great. Yeah. I'm a need for best vibe general in the last culture. Oh, yeah. He always gets best vibe. Yeah. He really. He really. He's so great. By the way, against all odds. You know what I mean? Like, you should like a guy who's just like on SNL and then like decides to take the the late night spot when as late night, you know, like late night, it ain't what it used to be. He could, you could really have a bad attitude hosting that if you wanted to and be like, fuck, man. But he's like, it's the most,

it was, and the most, like, I felt you could be funny on a show as that. Like, they literally ask you to have bits prepared. And I, I fucking love doing it. I really, I honestly do, I kind of, I'm sad talk shows are dead because I do love, I had a blast doing it. It's fun.

You know? I mean, what I'm saying talk shows are dead. Look what we've created. Yeah. We're literally on a set with fucking lights. As we're doing a talk show. You're the reason they're dead. Yeah.

Yeah. Why are talk shows dead? It's the Eric Andre meme. We're all looking for the guy who did this or the hot dog guy. There's a studio audience of 200 people sitting side. We really should do a fucking lot. We should do a live show where instead of like trying to recreate a shitty podcast because that's what most lives are.

Rosie O'Donnell Cush Balls. I fucking hate. Yeah. When it's like just the podcast you like to listen to with shittier audio quality and them doing bits in the room. Oh, it's awful. It sucks. But if we did like a, like we did it like a late night show, that would be really fun. We come out, I'm in a fucking suit.

You're like at the announcer's lectern. All right. Steve Hagan's lectern. Yeah, put it on your notes. And by the way, anytime you want to chime in with that winner and loser fucking anecdote, you piece of shit, did you even look it up? I did. And it was pretty much exactly as you guys said it.

And the anecdote was popularized by the guy that wrote Freakonomics. Oh, yeah. I think those were all been debunked. What an era of like complete bullshit books. Between him, who was the other guy was on? The tipping point. Yes.

Yes. Malcolm Gladwell. Malcolm Gladwell. I still talk about 10,000 hours now. Of course. It's like embedded. But it's just like no shit. If you do something a lot, you get good at it.

You wrote a fucking book about that. For 400 pages, you just have examples of people practicing a lot and getting good at something. And that's what passed for intellectualism, like in, you know, in the, you know, in the Obama era. The Obama era was fucking hilarious. We really thought life was good. We were like, we don't have to think hard.

We're never going to have any real problems ever again. We got a black guy in the White House. Little did we know. We're so fucked now. We're so fucked now. And they primed us for being stupid. Because that's what we thought it was, that's what we thought was smart.

And now it's like all those business books that you'd have that joke about to like how to fucking take over the other fucking planet and be a bitch. The fucking business. You know what I mean? Yeah, the business bitch. Yeah. Just we really. What's the.

power, the 49 laws of power. 48. Yeah. That is truly a sociopaths. Like, just totally. And the guy, the guy who gives it, he's like the most mild-mannered guy of all time. Robert Green. Yeah, yeah, he's just like a little, a little dork.

Right. And it's like, yeah. I haven't read it. But he's sitting down with like Tony Yeo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give us a couple, look up a couple laws of power. It's crazy. Hurt anyone in your path.

Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah, betray your allies. It truly is every single one. You'll be shocked because everyone talks about this. I think this changes people's lives. It's meant to be like, this is what powerful people do for good or bad. Like Hitler would do like betray your allies and stuff.

But then like people interpret it's like, yes, this is advice. Yeah. Right, right, right, right. I downloaded it because it was, it's always recommended like the five books that changed my life. And then I listened to a podcast dismantling it. I couldn't believe read some of these. I mean, yeah, give us a couple laws of power, Mr. Sue. Number one, never outshine the mask.

Make sure superiors always feel superior. And you actually, you actually need to hold on to that one. Actually, you know what? You have nothing to worry about on that one. Try your heart to outshine the master, you piece of shit. I'd love to see it. I love to see you try at something. Skip to like number 14.

15. Crush your enemy totally. Leave no room for them to retaliate. I do that one all the time. Leave no... I mean, this is hilarious. This is like how wrestlers speak. And people are thinking it's intellectual.

The whole thing is just... Be inauthentic all day long. Like just be manipulative and... Yeah, life is a competition. Life is a zero-sum game. There's no place for like coordination or community. And it's like, look, the reason these things are fucking popular now is because that's what our society is driven to.

Yeah. Like they've made everything a zero-sum game. Inequality is so out of control that most people are like, we're like, rats fighting over crumbs. And look, yeah, you can by accident get out of it with a podcast that is a hit for some reason. Two podcasts that shouldn't have worked back to back. Couldn't make you rich.

But other than that, you're fucked. And I guess I see it because most people's lives right now are that fucked where you're like, yeah, I guess I have to stab my enemy for an office manager position in a fucking... But not outshine them before I did. But do not outshine the master. Yeah, yeah. The master must stay shining. Yeah, these people who are digesting these books are all like, okay, crush your enemy

completely. It's like you're in B2B sales. Yeah. What's your end game? Yeah, well, whatever. Who fucking, I mean, I don't. Have any books changed your guys' lives? I mean, like, these, like, self-help books?

That's a great, that's a great question, and it's so funny that the answer is no. I know that no book has ever left a mark on me. Unless you fall asleep on it. Yeah, I literally, yeah, for real, it just stuck the pages have given me a paper cut. No joke, in high school, every time I tried to read, I would fall asleep. Yeah, it's just have, it's some kind of like, learn. It's hypnotizing. It really is.

It really is. side to side actually. Oh, yeah. That is, oh really? That's the best way to get to sleep if people struggle with sleeping.

You close, you do it with your eyes closed. Wait, really? But you look left, right, up, down. Like you don't, anyway, each way, and then you go around and then around the other way

and then cross your eyes and then do it once, do it, keep doing it. After like three times, really? You start, get, you can't do it again because you're like,

it's so much effort. And then you are asleep so fast. I'm going to give it a world? Literally. Because I have a hard time sleeping. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You close, just do that because you think this isn't going to work and do it. Keep doing it and you'll fall, you really will fall asleep.

Do it now. Let the podcast play while you do it. Yeah. I hadn't read fiction in a long time. And then like last year I read The Road by Cormac McCarthy. Yeah. And I was like, holy fuck. I was like winded reading that book.

Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus Christ. I had to like sit with it. It was so intense. I have so many books saved. That's always the one of like that's changed people's lives or the best book they've ever read. Yeah.

It's a brutal book. Brutal, absolutely. But like beautiful at the same time. Yeah. But do you ever read nonfiction? I read mostly nonfiction. And then like every now and then I'll pop in and read fiction. Yeah, I read a bunch of, I've been reading a bunch of fiction, but it's like I don't, it's

like detective novels and shit that's really good. But I really do want, I wanted to do a thing where I read a book at night for just to go to bed for fun and then try to engage with harder stuff in the morning. And that lasted like one week. Yeah. I was like, I'm not fucking using my brain right now. Maybe when the special is out, watch it, please. If you watch the special enough this week, maybe I'll start reading books.

Because I just need it to be successful. I need this special to go well. Help our illiterate boy. Yeah, yeah. And then I can be a per. I feel like the last January to basically October, I just don't feel like I've been a human being. Because it's just like, if you get it, I mean, the schedule is fucking insane. And I bet you feel kind of a similar thing where it's like, well, I better fucking do it now.

Because they don't really give you more than one shot at this. No, never. and this is going to go away so fast. And you got to hold on. That's the feeling I have too. It's not even about like winning them over and making this last. This is definitely.

If I'm all, it will go away. And people always go, why would it go away? I'm like, because it's gone away for literally every single person you can name. Paul McGarney is still putting out album. Yeah,

even though he's the king. Yeah. And people bow down. Totally. No one listens to anything new. At all. They don't chart at all. Yeah.

I mean, it's like if you're not Tom Cruise, jumping, and Tom Cruise has to jump off a fucking airplane. And, you know what I mean? Like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, that's how fucking crazy shit is. No, you're so fucking right. Yeah, I know. But it's like, you know, it's nice because it's like,

have a little run and then I'm excited to just like the retirement. I'm excited to be fat as shit. Like, I know I'm fat as shit now. You're not going to retire. I mean, at some point I will. I just mean, I can't wait for the like, you know, not having to do shit, chilling. I mean, I have a very, I have like a, I have a, I have a, I have a,

spend four months on a beach like plan, which is the goal. I want to go to Greece. I want to spend at some point I would like to spend at least three months. Like the goal would be to spend a quarter of the year in Greece every year. And just chill out, you know. Because I always feel like my happiness is tied to my, obviously, my self-esteem and my self-esteem is only from accomplishing things. Yeah. So I would have to find something to accomplish. But don't you think, while I'm vacationing? I guess that's true because I think for me what it is, is, is, I'm saying that, but also what I'm saying is I want to accomplish like fixing my body once and for all. Like, and it's not just losing weight. I mean, I've gotten, I'm clearly over like

the body image issues, but it's just health at this point and like my back. And I guess part of me is like if I took a year and like relaxed and like, and even relaxing, I think of it as like, stress is bad for you and I need to relax to like be healthier. And I probably if I did that, would at some point get the itch to make stuff again. Yeah. But I mean, sometimes you think like, man, I am the happiest. Even though I love stand-up more than anything, I am so unhappy when I'm like work, like on tour, it's so bad for you.

Yeah. Like your body is so fucked up. And it is this like, it feels like this like Greek tragedy thing where it's like the thing that makes me feel the most alive and accomplished. And truly, my, my, the North Star in my life has been make one great stand-up special. Just the age of 17, I was like, that's all I've ever wanted to do. And it's like, but that doing that fucking kill is literally killing me. And, you know, at some point we have to figure something better up.

Does it feel good to be done? Do you feel like you've done it? Like, whether it does well or not. Like, you say I did. I think I got pretty close this time to something that would have made me happy. And I'm really proud of it. I think it's my best special. But there were, there are moments on it where I'm like, I fucked that up.

Yeah, I know. Like, fuck, I forgot the best. tag like literally there's one joke that I fully blanked on all four fucking shows no wait did you have prompter no no no oh I just I fucking I just was like I because because my thing was like I'm gonna fucking just I'm gonna get this dialed in so much that I don't need it because I wanted to feel as close to the real yeah to a show and that's what we tried to do yeah again I'm really proud of it right but I don't think I I I want to feel like I completely fucking nailed it and I got really close. And compared to the second special, it's way, way better. But, you know, that's fine.

I'm too young to fucking be satisfied with my accomplishments. You know, give me 10 more years. And then then I will fucking, you know, retire. No, it's never good enough. Well, after you finish taping, you're probably like, that was great. And then you get in the edit and you go, fuck. Or did you not feel that way afterwards? Because I also was sick. I also, my back was fucked up. I was on vocal rest for like the two days before. You were held together with spit and chicken wired for weeks. Two weeks before we went on tour, one last run. It was supposed to be the like, let's just dot our eyes, cross our teas, right?

And I, the first day of a five city every night run, I'm sorry, four cities, five shows. I woke up in L.A. sicker than I've been in like, I don't know, a year, two years. lost my voice like and so that weekend became and it was I was there there was no way to cancel it you know what I mean we had the bus we did I would have lost so much money and I was I already lost money on the special because I broke my arm and so and and I'm like before the special five days before yeah yeah yeah so anyway so this is like this is two weeks before I lose my voice I have to this run and now am I not perfecting everything but now I have to do the hour in a completely

different way I can't use my voice I can't do act out like And from the stress of it all, I fuck it. My back is really fucked up. My back got so bad. I had to sit during half of the fucking shows. I had to get cortisone shots the week before the special. And then I had to get, and then my voice started to go right before the, it was two weeks. I was like, I'll be fine.

Like laryngitis? Yeah, dude. Like can't control it just gone. Took steroids for the voice. They don't kick in until literally an hour before the first show. Then we fuck the first show's lighting up so bad that it was horrible. It was like we didn't use almost anything from that show. And I'm like, uh, is my, am I fucking everything?

Because if we did four of those, it would have been the kind of thing where, all right, I guess we're going to have to fake a good special in the edit. Yeah. Like, that's what it felt like. Luckily, we figured it out. Yeah. The last three shows were good. But still, I was in such a fucked up mental state and I was so, my body was so fucked up.

Then I feel like I performed that special at 80%. Yeah. And we also had to move it from, we had to move it because I broke my arm. Yeah. So it was, the circumstances were so weird that I feel really proud of what we accomplished. And like, I really love the hour. And I think most of the jokes really stand on their own. But it's, I, I, this is me promoting my special.

No, now I'm intrigued to watch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is me fucking, yeah. I should, this one should come out like after the Netflix window of tracking. No, I think this will drive people to be like, what did he fuck up? Yeah. What could have been better? It'll be like when people watch the Wizard of Oz looking for the munchkin who's hanging himself.

But anyway, who gives a fuck about money? But losing your voice, like, I was losing my voice all the time. Really? Because you, I can just hear when people don't speak correctly and they're not going to have a long career. Right. Like, I can pinpoint it right now. Interesting. Interesting. But I had vocal cord surgery.

Oh, my God. Yeah. Like four years ago. Oh, fuck. And it changed. It's like a facelift for your voice. Really? I'm fucking it up again because I still don't know how to talk properly.

So it'll just keep coming back. You just, you're just, you're strained. You know, you're supposed to be relaxed. You're supposed to breathe from your diaphragm. Like there's a way to speak that will not put strain on your cord. But it's like you have to learn it if you, you know, weren't born with it. And so I'll just keep getting it done. But it was just like laser surgery.

And it, anytime I see a video of myself from four years ago, you can tell, you can really tell. I mean, it was a kind of voice where you're like, I don't want to hear the shrill, like the kind of woman voice. I think this might be some internalized, uh, self-fatry. There's sometimes like women's voices are triggering because it just sounds like a nagging mom or just like a woman screaming at you around the house. So your first memory is your mom saying she hates it. And now you're worried about sounding like a nagging mom.

That is one of my biggest fears. I wonder if that's connected. No, you know what the nagging thing? Your voice is like Michael Jackson's nose. Yeah, like, ten years. Nicky's like this. I just have a beautiful little voice. Welcome to my eighth comedy special.

My friends were like, Jesus Christ. I'm getting a spray tan on my asshole. I'll still be doing that bit. Enough, Mickey. At your Vegas residency, where you're just doing like the hits, the greatest hits of all your special. With the Count Basie Orchestra.

I can't wait to have some fun. Dude, there's going to be podcasting residencies in Vegas. Oh, absolutely. You're so right. I can't. Eldis, get ready, baby. That is amazing. Mm-hmm.

Just a podcast. It's going to happen. It's not going to happen yet, but it's when we're old, it will happen. I do millennials get old. Not a podcast, but I do a Caesar's Palace with Spade. It's so fun. How long? Like just once a year?

We do it like five times a year. That's fun. It's so good. I actually would, I didn't think I would like doing Vegas. I actually really like it. I like it. And it's the kind of place where you can do it a bunch because people come in and out of it. Nobody really.

You don't burn out an audience. Yeah, yeah. And doing it with another headliner. where you're not carrying the whole show. And you get to be with someone who you, like I get done with my set and I get to watch his set. You know, like I don't always get to watch the opener set because you're getting,

so it's just like, it's so much fun. Yeah. Now, speaking of Riz, that guy notoriously got to fuck the hottest women of all time being like 410 and like, you know, being slight, being like a little guy. Yeah. McCauley Calkin build.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pulling, left and right. And I respect it so much. Oh my God, yes. So we've, like, messages a couple times. I've only heard that he's the man. He's the nice. Have you, you've met him either?

I don't think so. Oh my God. You would, you guys would both love him. Yeah. He's the nicest and the funniest. Fuck yeah. Just a really good person.

And yeah, it has so much risk. Yeah. Still. Has he brought any dime pieces around? He doesn't like to around me because I think he's a little embarrassed because some of them are like younger. You know.

And I don't begrudge him. Like, get it. I'm never like, why are you? They're hot. If you can do it, why not?

There is some cut off. When it gets really young, it's gross, but he's not like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're, I mean, look, if you're, like, they're going to be younger than you, but how much younger is the real answer, the real question? But, yeah, that's, that is very funny. It is interesting, though, that it's like you're worried about your voice and the mom stuff, and you've talked a lot about, like, like, I get comparing yourself to your sister and stuff.

Yeah. Is that a lot? I mean, it seems like, is that the accomplishment thing, where you like, well, no one's going to like me for me, so I better accomplish stuff? Yeah, yeah. I mean, I think it's, yeah, of liking, I wasn't like, I wasn't good at anything my whole life. Never. You know, I was like fine.

No, I was okay. It's cool, but never exceptional. Right down the middle. I think I always just kind of judged my worthiness of being, you need to be special, exceptional. Yeah. And I was always just like okay at everything. You were knocking on the door. You're just like outside looking in of like the.

Yeah. I was never in the gifted classes, but I made good grades. But I had to like kind of work for them. And I, you know, did theater, but never got like the starring roles. was always like Jewish townsperson B my senior year in the senior production. You don't want one you don't want a number or a letter.

No. At the end of your role your senior year. Townsperson. Yeah, so it's just like, what the fuck? And yeah, just not feeling, never got like compliments on like, oh my God, she's such a cute little girl, like nothing like that where you're just like and I just have the disposition of someone who wants attention.

Right. I always have. I don't know where that came from. but I just didn't get it ever. I mean, maybe, yeah, not ever getting it from the start. And it seemed like just from the little, just from the like, you know, just from being friends or whatever and even like your act, it just seems like your sister was getting it just without trying. Yes. And she didn't like rub it in my face.

Yeah. She was not. That's the funniest part of your whole origin story. You don't have a villain. No. It's just that. She's so nice. So supportive.

I could never be her to me. I could never be solange to Beyonce. Ever. But she's. So cool about it. You can argue salons makes more interesting music. I mean, yeah. I love that out.

The album she put out a few years ago was awesome. Love her elevator work. Yes. That is cool too. But you did you feel less than growing up? I mean, obviously. Obviously is hilarious. I mean like it was often.

No, it just takes you're a comedian. Yeah, yeah. No, actually, I think like I, I think it was probably, I just really liked attention from and I got like, I think it's the opposite where my parents. it took them so long to have kids I'm like one of the first batch of in vitro babies and so like it took them forever I was the first born

and I was also like a very like talk I've always been a person who runs his mouth from the time it was like I was talking it like I was saying my first words like nine months old like I was a kid who was like could speak before he could like walk you know and so and it was like

and so you know what they just I was smart like they thought I was smart They're like, well, this kid's a fucking genius. And in reality, I was just like earlier on stuff. Like, that's so much of people who think to get their worth from like, totally. Phenoms and then they level out with everyone else. Exactly.

Because sometimes it's just statistics. Some people are going to hit a growth spurt earlier, whatever. And I was definitely one of those kids. But I feel like the damage was done by like getting, I got so much attention. And I was also like, I kind of was funny from a young age where it was like just a kid having like, you know, A kid having like real, my mom keeps always talks about, I mean, I, one time I asked, like,

I asked my mom, what does gay mean? And she was like, oh, it means happy. And then I was like, oh, really? I thought it meant, and I said, the slur for gay in Greek. And I was like, because I just, because I just put it together. It was a different time. It was 1991. You know what I mean? But like, that goes to show you like how my family talked, my Greek family talked around me. Yeah. But, and I would say shit like that. figuring things, yeah, yeah, yeah. You were saying inappropriate stuff. I was saying, yeah.

And then everyone would laugh. I mean, a baby saying a slur is fun. It's really fun. It's not good and then, you know, but, but it's funny. And so it's like, I would just, I was just like that. And I think even, and I got kind of good grades. And I didn't get, I didn't give a fuck about learning. But once I got that attention for being a good student, like until I found making

people laugh, I really was a good student only because I liked attention. Yes. And so I don't know. I really don't know. And then it became, and then it kind of cruised right into how to overcome being a fat loser. You know what I mean? Like being a fat, white virgin in Baltimore City public schools, you got to know how to roast people. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean? Like, you got to be able to, like, survive. So I don't even know. And but my mom did find, uh, it's insane. I have it in my Baltimore house. She found a, like, comic I drew. Like, and it was, the story was aliens invaded Earth. and I saved them by being funny.

It was like I, I didn't even know I wanted to stand up that young, but I like clearly liked comedy in a way that I didn't even realize. And so I don't know. I just think like I just, it's so fucking corny, but I really, like my number one identity is comedian.

Yeah. Like that's what makes, once I started doing that, my whole life slapped into focus. And I don't even fucking know where it came from, you know. And it is funny because that going around the camera, like McDade. I don't even, you don't even still seem like

like you don't like attention. You know what I mean? You must though? Yeah, he definitely does. There's got to be part of me that definitely does. Yeah, I think there was always part, like, I kind of had a bit of what you had

where I was like close to being really good at stuff, but not quite. I was like almost a really good student, not quite. It was almost a good athlete, but like was on the bench on varsity. Even being six, seven bench is tough. Yeah.

If you have the longest shins on the bench and you're just sitting there at the end, just knowing. you can dunk and you're still not getting minutes. You can dunk and you're not playing high school ball? Fucking sad. That'll make you a comedian. My coach sat me the entire game senior night.

Oh, senior night? They had my name up on the wall. And he forgot. Yeah, you really do blend in. Holy shit, yeah. He straight up goofed and I was like, that's insane. So they had to be part of me.

Yeah, you are quiet. You can't blend in. Yeah. I think that's probably an adept. of how much you stand out, you probably... I never had the option to blend in where it was like, okay, now you got it. You have to address this.

But you're probably a little bit more shy and quiet because you were already standing out. I'm a born introvert. I was always a shy kid. And then like any kind of social skills I've developed have been like developed through brute force and trying. This is me being as extroverted as I can. Right, right, right. Coaching like they do on love on the spectrum.

Yes, exactly. No, I get that. Beautiful, beautiful. I've been training eye contacts since grade one. Yeah. But I was like jokes. I wasn't funny. I wasn't funny until like late high school.

But I always like was weirdly into comedy. I remember I moved away in second grade. And like my classmates, like my mom had them like make me a little book of things like take with me. I had like a going away gift. And people like quoted jokes that I had stolen from whatever joke course. Yeah. One of the best things I loved.

Anytime there was like a field trip coming up or something where it was like you were hanging out with a bunch of kids, I would literally go to like jokes.com. And like craft a set list. Oh my God. So the bus ride's going to be about two hours and 12 minutes. That'll give me some time to get into this book of Polack. Yeah, yeah. No, it was literally that level of humor.

It was like, you know, like bestiality jokes. It was just like dumb street jokes. But I would get enough to just be like, you know. And I would fuck with people also in conversation. But I just, I mean, I'm saying all this stuff. And at the time, I didn't even consider that that I was clearly me wanting to do stand up. Because I was like, you know, in like, I didn't think about it either. I just wanted to be on TV.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I thought the only way to do that is to act. Yeah. Or to be a singer or a dancer. And then it's like that never seemed like an option to be a comedian. Totally. As a woman, I think it's there's even less so. You just don't see it that much.

But I did see it here and there. But it just never until someone told me I should do it. It didn't even. And then as soon as they did, I was like, oh, like, looked into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It made total sense. But I love jokes too. Like, I was just, I've been rewatching friends.

and I realize how influential that show was on me. Like I remember the first time I heard one of my favorite jokes on friends was, you know, fat Monica is on TV and they're watching an old, you know, video tape. Yeah, yeah. And they're like, whoa, Monica. And she goes, oh, the camera adds 10 pounds. And then Chandler goes, how many cameras were on you? And I remember that at the time in sixth grade, like, breaking my brain of like, that is such a, like,

I couldn't, I had to rewatch it. Like, how did it? And I look back and I was, I was piecing together how to write. jokes. I love jokes. And then I got like the Conan O'Brien in the year 2000 book. And I have that I have like my copy from high school. It's all tattered. I was circling the best jokes and like studying how a joke works because that you were making selects even then. Yes. Yes. Totally. I was learned, you know, you have to learn comedy. I forget that it's not just innate. Sure. It feels innate, I think, to us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. Shows with some people and there'll be a laugh track.

My assistant who I watch a lot of TV with, I'll just pause and go, why was that funny? And she's like, I don't know. And I go, why? Wouldn't you want to know what you're missing that a whole audience God? But some people are just like, no, I just, I don't really need to know. Yeah, they don't give a fuck at all. I don't care. If I don't know something, I'm really embarrassed and need to research it.

Was there a thing you tried or were there attempts to get attention before? Yeah, I mean, like the acting and singing, I was like in the choir. And it was, I really wanted to, I think I really could have been a singer because it was just I am, I have the base for it. But I just wasn't trained properly. And I never got a chance to because my, my voice teacher in high school told my mom, um, she doesn't have it. And this is a way. God damn.

Oh my. And so. A woman who was being paid to train you. $50 an hour. Like it was nothing in 1999. You have a good voice. It's like, it's not horrible.

It's not horrible. It's not, the thing is it's not, I don't have a naturally great voice. Some people just come out. Sure. Great. Of course.

But that is rare. Like talking about a book that like actually, you were kind of talking about like, oh, hard work leads to, perfection, duh. But you kind of with something like singing or dancing or acting, sometimes there are people that are just born great. Sure, of course. But then you, if you work hard enough, there's this book called The Talent Code that kind of like changed the way I look at things. Like, if you work harder than everyone else, you can be better than the person who's a natural. Yeah, and you just, I read that book too, the quarters in the hair. I just never thought that.

That allegory never dawned on me. It didn't it. To me, growing up, it was either you had it or you didn't. Can I be honest? That, when I read that book, I got away thinking like, the tour, the hair is fucking awesome. Yeah. I was like, I literally as a kid was like, he's fucking with him. And in my head, I was like, who cares that he won? The tour, the hair was better. Like, literally as a little kid, I was, and that is, and I think I felt the same way. Yeah. He's fucking cool. He's fast. I don't want to be a fucking bitch ass turtle. Yeah. The next time he's going to try and he's going to smoke him. Like that, that was like, when I was a kid, that is what I thought of that, of that story. I think you're right. That one

doesn't really hit the way they were. The girl wins the next 75 races in the truck. Wait, how does the turtle win again? He just keeps going. The hair's smoking him and they like stops and like, you know, it's one of those things. Oh, so he wins by default because the hair has ADD? Basically, yes, yes, yes. Yeah, the hair was taunting.

The hair was like, you know, the hair's celebrating before he got the touchdown. It's just that kind of like, don't be a showboat, like put your head down in hard work kind of thing. Never outshine. But I mean, I got to be honest. You can, yeah, you made a big mistake outshining the master. Honestly, I'm on board. Yeah. I mean, at the same time, though, you know, it ain't going to happen a lot of the time.

You can work hard as fuck, and it's like... The thing with talent is, I thought it was like, it's like gold in your property, but you do have to dig to find it. Yeah, that's true. And some people have to dig harder than others and some people never find it. Like, I might not have been, definitely not Beyonce levels, but I could have had, I would have been able to work at a kid, in a way, at a coffee shop. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, honestly, like, I could have had a reward. There's a, not that I'm, like, regret it.

Did you want to do that, though? Yes. I mean, that's like, I would love to be a musician. Music is so much cooler. It's so much cooler. It's not even fucking close. I'm going to fucking Noah Kahn's concert. I was standing on the floor when he was kind of positioned this way.

So behind him and watching those, you know, 70,000 people just how wrapped they all are. Nothing we will ever do will make people feel the way that music does. And it's really sad. And it translates in an awesome way. Like, you go overseas. You can just play the whole world as a musician. I know. Music is like so fundamental.

And our shit is just like, we're exploiting little quirks that are very specific to our culture. Yes. That don't fucking travel. In fact, the only comedy that is universal is like the way in the brother. Mr. B. It's literally, you throw on white chicks. Everyone's having a good. You don't even have to speak English to like white chicks.

Because honestly, we just, actually something really funny. The way we even watched it, remember Eldis? It was like, it's awesome. Is it? It's really good. You should watch it. part of the criterion collection. Yeah.

Well, no, I was on Netflix and they had a, we were going through the categories and they're like, millennial classics. I'm like, look at this bullshit. They're like trying to bait us. Like, yeah. Millennials are, just because you're in a generation, doesn't mean we all like the movies. And every single one was a banger. And I was like, fuck, these are fucking awesome.

And then we just ended up watching white chicks. Yeah. And so good. It's literally like, it is like, it is closer to clowning and to like these like classic types of theater. The Wayans Brothers really are insane performers and they're so fucking good. And truly, yes, is it high level humor? No. Right? It's the writing is not, no one's winning an Oscar for writing, right? Right. But performance. And also at the end of a day, you could argue what they're doing is more value. And like, because like, oh, I, well, look at

the structure on my joke. Who gives a fuck, dude? Can you make anybody laugh? I can't. I really can. You know who can? The fucking Wayne's brothers, you know? And so it's like, that's the thing. It's like even the thing we have dedicated our lives to is like a subsection of entertainment and truly the basement of show business.

Oh, no one was sexy. Until recently when I don't know what the fuck happened. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like this has become a crazy, you know what I mean? Like truly you like hosting award shows used to be the absolute pinnacle that a stand-up in many ways. It was like that's the best gig.

to stand up. That's what you're training for or hosting a late night show. Everybody wanted to host a show, right? And that was what you did stand up for. And now we don't even give a fuck. Now we're just like, we're doing it for the art form. It's like, who fucking cares? Who gives a fuck? Or the sitcom. Yeah, that's true. Even that's, I would love to, I would love to be the fat, dufous neighbor on a sitcom, but. Aren't you? I guess I am. Wait. Holy fuck, I really, I forgot that I am the fat dupus entire. It came out. She came right. You're living your dream.

Oh, my fuck. That's how ungrateful I am for my life. It's like, oh, yeah. I am that. I am literally the thing I used to. That's where we were talking about how you get mad. That's how much not getting something fuels me. When I literally have it, I still have the chip on my shoulder.

Why aren't I doing the thing I literally am doing? I guess I'm mad. Yeah, anyway, that's so fucking funny. Tires is also out right now. Yeah. Tires is out. Uncle Stav is out. Tony is out in theaters.

Uncle Stav is the name of them. And when's Tony coming up? Tony is out in New York right now. It opens wide next week. Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's good, too. Oh, my God.

Of course. That's what we've heard. Dom is awesome. Dom's unbelievable. Antonio Banderas. I mean, the whole thing is fucking. I hear Reese steals it. Yeah.

Rees Grover. Flip, who is a character. This is our friend Reese, who had one line in the movie. And he stayed the whole thing. He's best friends with Dom. He's the man. He's so cool.

That's so fun. Actually, fuck, I owe $100. For what? He picked up my car and drove it to Newark for me. I had to go to, I had to go to, as soon as I got back from the tires premiere, I had to drive to our sound mixer's house and do, and do the mix because we have to turn, we had to turn the special in so fast. Yeah. Because I broke, breaking my arm, but still wanting to put it out. Oh yeah, the turnaround on the special is really quick.

It's fucking insane. Did you do like a photo shoot and everything for it and the billboards and stuff? Yeah, we were doing all that. I mean, we're doing all that concurrently. Like everything's happening at the same time. Literally we had my guest room because we shot it in Baltimore. Yeah. So I have a place there.

And my guest room, we just put fucking folding tables out. And we had like a fucking, we had like, you know, literally editors pulling day and night shifts. Like we were editing between shows. Wow. It was fucking crazy. It was actually the most insane thing I've done. But also, I kind of liked it. It was fun to stay in it.

Would it be nice to have two more weeks? Sure. But still, I really did. There's something fun about doing it immediately. It feels like an extension of the show as opposed to two months later. You've kind of forgotten. And you've been doing that material and now it's better. Oh, true.

I hate that too. That's brutal. That's kind of why that happened to me on the last one where I was like, fuck, this special sucks dick. I fixed all the problems. When I stopped thinking about it, I was like, you know what? I don't really like that joke. I'm just going to do. And within three months, it was so good. But some of that material ended up on this special, whatever. But still,

yeah, you're so right. I didn't even think about that angle. Oh. This stops you from like, you really got to get right in there. So smart. Yeah. Fuck. I did it out of necessity. But, you know, what are you going to do? We do need to take some calls. But I do, Nicky, there's one thing I do want to ask you about. How did you find out your dad has a huge hog? Oh, God. Because that is somehow common knowledge. It's so haunting to know that. Because I just saw like, you mentioned it offhand and I was like, and you know what? Looking at your dad, I'm like, yep. I just assume, first of all, I just assume he does because he's a tall man. Tall guy, big Adams apple. And he's just like, I don't know. I just, I don't know if I've ever, I think a friend saw it one time, but I don't even

think she reported about it. But I've never seen it. Sure, you've just heard rumor. I have, yes. I mean, no sure sign. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You've heard tell about it like. Sasquatch in the woods. No, I did, I had a talk show on Comedy Central, you know, a decade ago. And it, we ran out of ideas. And it was just like, getting the point. And one time my writers were like, what if we put your parents on a lie detector and we ask them about their sex life?

And, you know, the pitch sounds hilarious. Like, let's do it. Of course. And then you sit down and have to ask your mom if she's ever done anal. Yeah, that's the funny part of it. It is. You're right. You're right.

You're right. And it was, it was truly hell. It was so uncomfortable. I had to ask them if they'd ever heard me have sex. And my dad said yes. Oh no. It was just like, God, it was fucked up. It was honestly, I don't even like to talk.

Oh, I'm sorry. No, no, no. And then one of it was like asking my mom if my dad had a big dick. I mean, these were all questions that I had written and helped, you know, facilitate. Because in the moment, you're just like, this is crazy.

You don't think you ever have to do, you don't think about doing it. I don't really, I sign up for shit all the time that I don't think about how it's going to feel. And I think that's a part of the reason and I'm successful is I don't think about things before. I just hurl myself into them. 100%.

But, oh my God, we did a thing on that show that I'm still so disturbed by. We were like, and it was second season. It was a show about sex and dating, and you really run out of stuff to do. Sure. We were going to help guys redo their dick picks because it's always just like the sad kind of photo in a bad lighting in your bathroom with a dirty bath mat and your fucking cubes. That's so funny.

That's a great concept. And so we like built these diaramas where the, you stick your penis through the hole. And then your dick would be like in a Parisian landscape with like the Eiffel Tower. And your dick is riding a bike with a baguette in it. And your dick has a little beret. There was one. There was like a spa where your dick was like in a bathtub with bubbles. And there's like cucumber eyes and a little fucking shower cap.

And so we build these things. The art department does an amazing job. We cast it. And the only people we can get to ever be on camera. with their, we'll blur the dicks, but like, are just porn, just dirty porn guys, homeless guys. We go on Craigslist to get on. We can't cast it. And the night before, we're doing like a rehearsal of how's tomorrow going to work?

How are we doing it? We got the photographer. We have this amazing studio. And I remember Dan St. Germain, one of the writers was sitting there. And we're like, Dan, you be the guy. We'll just like show how this would work. He has pants on. So the art department brings in the model and puts it on his lap.

And we see how it would go. And then we realized he can't dress his penis with his arms. Someone has to do it. And I look at the art department. They're just like backing out like Homer Simpson into the fucking books. Yeah. Yeah. And they go, it has to be you.

And so I had to handle one's penises all day long, like a nine hour shoot. And I had gloves on, but I had to pick up their limp dick, put little glasses on them. What? Draw a little mustache. That's fucking insane. It had to be you. It couldn't hire. Someone.

It just, it was funnier. Yeah. It is kind of, I was playing, like, the director of the shoot. Like, I have this idea. And so it was like, I had to just. You're giving the dicks their motivation before the scene. It was so horrible. You know, it'd be funny if you like, if somebody slipped on a banana peel and cracked their

head open and died. Yeah. Doesn't mean you're going to have to do it. You know what I mean? These guys would just make eye contact me with me while I do it. They were tweaking out. I mean, they were just like fluffing next to the craft service table. It was a disgusting day.

Oh my God. And it was barely a good. sketch. It was like, it was, no one talks about it. It has no longevity. No, no cultural footprint. None. Just a footprint in my psyche.

I truly was so disturbed. You had to do like clinical sex work. No one was that. We were so jazzed about this idea because it was so out there. It's funny. It was crazy. And there was so much energy around it. And then we got there and we were all just like a thousand yard stare afterwards.

It was disturbing. Yeah, of course. By the way, build a smaller diorama. If only we have thought of that. If their fucking arms gonna go around, what if it was a little square? Put a beret on my dick. I'll do it.

And I just was like, I'm a doctor. I just had to think I'm... Of course. How many guys are we talking? It was like probably six. God. It's on YouTube. Oh, fuck.

Honestly, I'm gonna watch both of these. I'm gonna watch the lie detector. Oh yeah, and the lie detector thing was awful. And my parents and I like don't talk about it. But my dad sometimes, you know, They were calling him horse cock glazer. And sometimes, like, fans meet him and still represent it. He's so embarrassed by it because he really is like, it's not that big.

Like, this lie detector guy was the guy that everyone hires for TV shows. And he's bullshit. He'll just give you what's the funniest answer. We didn't know that at the time. But my dad, so my dad said, I don't have a big penis. And they were like, that's a lie. And so it was like my dad, it felt like it made my dad really uncomfortable. He's not someone that wants to, like, brag about that.

He was not proud of it. I would be so. So what you did was. I know, I would do. Even if my dick was small, I'd be like, yep. Yeah. My dick's huge. What Nikki did was she put a really big hat on it.

He was the ninth guy. He had to put it. If we would have got a season three, 100% that would have been happening. Oh, my God. Wow. Wow, they say television's dead. Oh, my God. I think I killed it.

Whatever happened. That was the last show on Comedy Central. Yeah. It's like, all right. I think that was the episode where they were like, Like it's too dirty. Like you can't continue doing this. Yeah, that's so funny.

I mean, I remember, yeah, the, the conversation was sort of coming back. Well, anyway, we'll talk about this. Nobody gives a lot. Yeah, they're still around, I think. Yeah, they're doing, they're mounting some kind of comeback. And I would love, I would actually love, the more places for stand-up, the better, I would say. Competition's good. I love the free market.

I just don't like crony capitalism. And especially when it comes to more places to, you know, put a special on so you could make them bit against each other. Yeah. Anyway, that's beautiful. Well, you know, congrats to your dad who has probably just a slightly above average penis. Yeah. And that's still great.

Print the legend. Based on my pussy size, I have the same lower extremities. Like we have the same leg, same feet. So I'm like, it's probably a hog. It's meaty no matter what. I know his balls are long. I just say that.

All right, Eldie, why don't we play some fuck? Why don't we hit the Stavi's World Hotline sponsored by Visible and take some fucking calls, Eldis? Hit us, baby. Hi. So I've been with my husband, but we've been married for a year now. And strangely, he has never actually told me he loves me. What? He says that he has some trauma in his past.

Trauma. This prevented him from feeling comfortable with that. However, you know, he did ask for us to get married. He married me, all of the things. We lived together. How did you ask? Hey, are you free to, like, six months? You want to, like, fucking get married, remember?

Can you strike some stuff from the vows and remove the stuff about love? He just doesn't really show a whole lot of, like, romantic, like sweetness. Yes, affection. His form of being romantic or sweet with me or instead of giving me compliments it's kind of just whipping his dick out over his basketball shorts

and just hang out and then chase me around the house This can't be real. This is a hundred hundred months. Yeah. You've been in a situation like this? Where it's like everything's a joke. Any kind of thought of like any... Oh, I see.

They're trying to get affection or have sex. There's no touching. It's like, look at my dick, and then it's, it has to be a bit. The dick is a prop. Yeah. And do you think it's like being so uncomfortable with sincere romance? And that guy's never been told him, his parents didn't tell him he loved him. Right.

Or that they loved him. And so he's, but you have to get out of this. That's crazy. Because some women don't, sorry, we'll continue it. You know, no, no, yes. Maybe she's already left him. Yeah. On the end of this call, hopefully.

He chased me around the house saying, nightmare, nightmare, nightmare, nightmare. Nightmare. And chase me around the house. So I just, I mean, it'd be nice to be told that I'm cute or I look pretty today or whatever. But instead I get, well, that. Yeah, that's not great. Thoughts, is that what she said? Yeah.

Hilarious way to end that call. Thoughts, follow up. Yes, I mean, listen, that's fucking insane. It's also like you didn't marry him. Yeah, because. But she probably doesn't feel enough. It sounds like some low self-esteem. It does.

It sounds like she is now learning probably from just seeing reels of other women that are telling you about what kind of relationship to get out of that she probably deserves more. There's like a whole subsect of Instagram that has been served to me at times in my life. You deserve more. It's out there, girl. Our phones are listening to us and like they just heard you crying. Oh my God. They know.

They know. But you do deserve best. And I know that like there are, there are some women that don't need to hear I love you and don't need to hear you're pretty. Sure. And he could be with one of those girls. And it doesn't, he'd probably say back to you, you know, of course, I wouldn't be with you if I didn't love you. I wouldn't be with you if I didn't think you were hot. Right.

That's not the same as saying them. And I think a lot of times women think that the guy is just rolling their eyes like you're being so need. Why do you need to hear you're beautiful? Like, can't you have confidence? It's like you're allowed to want to have things said to you. You're allowed to want to hear you're pretty. That's okay. Even if you're not,

even if he has to lie to you about it, you're allowed to want him to lie to you. It's not too much to ask at all. So don't, you know, I think definitely confront him about this and be like this is a non-negotiable for me because it should be. Because you don't want to be

with this guy the rest of your life feeling like this guy, I never got affection. I never got him to touch my arm or be like, and you see other couples do that. When we're in public, he puts his AirPods in and walks a little in front of me. Oh yeah,

that kind of shit. I'm divorced shit. Yeah, this girl, I feel for you. I think it's, but you definitely deserve more. And there's someone that will shower you with that stuff. And I've gone through it before and been with people that don't give me the affection that I desire. And I think, oh, I don't have to.

I can be like a cool girl that, like, we don't need to do that. Like, we're buddy. Right. And we can joke about sex. And that's so much better than snuggling. Right, right, right. You can convince yourself that this is what you deserve or that you have this kind of relationship. But it sounds like you want something more.

She shouldn't underestimate the stupidity of guys. Like, sometimes we, really do need to just be told. Yeah. Like a lot of things that we think are implied, like, oh, it's implied that I think she's beautiful and I love her and stuff. It's like, they do need the words. You got to say the words. And if you can't say it, just say, then yes, you can't, you can't talk. Just, just lie. Just say it. Don't be the thing of like, I can't say it. You can fake it till you make it now that you've been married for a year. And you deserve that. It's not, it's not, it is not asking too much

at all. Certainly not. I mean, my worry, though, is that with these types of problems, the time to address it is as soon as possible. Right. And the only problem I could foresee here is that like, you know, how long since they were dating, elders, before they got married? They were married for a year. But how long were they dating before that is my question? She didn't say. And look, so my hunch is this woman has some self-esteem issues. Like, what did you get out of this? Is a big question I have. And look, maybe her dating life wasn't great. Maybe at the time this was the first person to show even a little affection towards her. And so that was almost novel. And you just kind of, you just kind of let it slide hoping, oh, well, as we fall in love, he'll get more lovy-dovey, whatever.

Like, I kind of wonder, how did he even propose? Did he lift his dick and the ring was between his dick and his nuts? Like, what, like, what, like, what, like, what happened here? And so, like, yes, I think what Nikki said is a hundred percent correct. You can absolutely talk to him about it. Um, I would foresee the like, well, wasn't this, this wasn't a problem? This has never been a problem. There's always how I've been. That is going to be his argument. and you can just be like, you can just say, sorry, I got a devastating text that we tried to rent a place for the nude calendar and they have a strict no nudity policy.

What's the fuck? At the studio. Yeah, strict. I guess because they do kind of look like porn sets. And I'm sure people try to do pornography. It's the cars for kids. Yeah, yeah. So anyway, we're fucked.

Sorry, guys. The calendar, 22, 27 calendar is coming. but a cool, completely pink, fuzzy room. I know a studio that will have you with your dick out anytime. I'll come out and style you. Yeah, exactly. You got those diorama. Anyway, so I would just say, like, look, you're like, hey, look, this is just something

I've learned over time I need. Maybe I thought it was going to get better. Maybe I didn't. Just, again, just sort of, I'm just anticipating maybe some counter argument. You know what he's going to say because you're right. But yeah, I would just say. I thought it was fine at the time. I've changed my mind.

Totally. And that's completely fine. Because what I'm hearing from the voice of our friend here is that standing up for yourself is not something you're used to doing. Especially, you're probably really scared of losing. If you married somebody doesn't tell you, I love you, you're probably scared of losing him. Yeah. And so you do need a little, I would say absolutely talk to him about it.

But also, you need to find the root of these issues, which is your self-esteem. Yeah. Why did you allow something that was not acceptable? acceptable to go on for so long. And just, you know, is that, I would say therapy seems like a kind of no-brainer. Just get to this trauma and get rid of it. Yes, exactly. Like, do the intense stuff.

Yes. That's like the, I do it on Zoom where it's like you tap in the eyes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it just, it's way faster than other therapy. What's it called? EMD. What does it stand for? Because I have a friend who did it, but I forgot about it.

It's something rapid eye movement or something like activates the nervous system in a way that access is trauma. It's crazy. Like you just go in, because I would always, I would go to. therapy all the time and you just talk the whole hour and I would just do like a podcast. Right, right, right, right. It can certainly be nothing. I, I, my advice always is like, go when you have a specific thing you want to work on. Like, because when I went early on, it was specific about my relationship with my family and guilt about truly the first time I did

stand or went to therapy was because I felt guilt about betraying the immigrant son thing. And it took me like a year of like being like, am I bad? Like, don't I. to my parents. What were you betraying? Because, you know, I, again, I didn't go into this thinking this would happen. The betrayal is basically like they, because I had good grades. I was just, you know, I went to college on scholarship and they were looking towards me to like get a real job, help the family out, like sort of pay back the immigrant thing, which, you know, I'm totally happy to do now. Sure. But at the time, it felt like, well, instead of doing the thing, the correct thing, I'm going to do the selfish thing. Yeah.

Do something artistic, right? So that was the first time I went. And then later on, I had real people pleasing and self-esteem issues and I went for those. And later on it was to help my relationship with my brothers and like, you know, there are times where I just don't go to therapy at all. Or I go, I go maybe a couple months, once every couple months just to kind of check in. And now, and I basically, I stopped because I was so busy, but boy, do I need to pop in after this, right? Yeah. But my advice with talk therapy is go when you have something to work on. Yes. Don't just go. Do it a case by case basis. I really think that, you know. And our friend here sounds like she has some self-esteem issues to work on,

but I'm not, I don't know, did you look up what EMDR stands for? I move at the sensitization and reprocessing. Yeah, so you just like bring in your, like, so I did it because I was trying to work on my people pleasing and my lack of self-esteem. And it's like, I don't really have any trauma in my life where I'm like, I was molested, I was raped,

like I don't have any like concrete biggies. The big ones. And so I just like brought in a story of like one time I got, like that it just stands out of when did, did you start feeling like you were less than? My mom said she hated me. Yeah, I totally do that one. That one just hits so good.

I don't want to recover from that. That's why you're a masochist, a sadist, yeah. Yeah, but I just brought in this like nothing story of like getting a doll that the hair was bent on it. I'm like, I don't like, I never get nice things. And like, I just brought in the story thinking like, I don't even think about this story. But it's kind of when she said,

what's a young moment where you felt less than? And just tapping shoulders and like, talk and then thinking about it and waiting sob it and I'm not someone who cries I never cry it all brings it up and you go back in time and re-parent yourself and you heal the synapses that fired off then so you literally don't have it anymore wow that's it really works and it works quickly like people I mean I didn't keep doing it because it was so exhausting to go into when I was trying to prepare for my special dose of course going in and because you have to like you're kind of out of it afterwards but I would recommend that for this girl start doing that and then get out yeah because

You need to develop your self-worth because you're never going to be able to get out until you actually feel like you deserve better. And who knows if you can, and like we said, let's give this guy some credit. He might just be a guy who, like JP said, sometimes you just need to hear it. You might be fucking stupid. And you might, and with a little self-esteem, you might be able to have a real conversation with him. And then he's like, oh, my bad. Yeah. I don't, and look, this guy, I mean, autistic gets thrown around way too much.

Right. And like, and the pulling your dick out and chasing kind of puts me off the autism. Right. That's nobody's special interest. Yeah, yeah. but but but like not being in touch with being a guy who's just like not in touch with these things like he might like i literally going like i did i remember there's a story like a some radio story that i saw that i heard and the woman was just like i her she was married to an autistic guy

and she was like hey it would just make me feel better if you asked about how my day was and told me you loved me and he was like okay you know what i mean yes and he just did it and truly it didn't come from him. And she was like, you know what? It's enough. Yeah. I do love him. Even if it's, even if he doesn't, he's not meaning it in the way that I think, that I would mean it when I ask somebody.

He's still, in his way, he is making his effort. That's what people think that when you tell your partner to do something and they go, so what, but when I say, you're just going to know I just said it because you told me to. And that it's not going to land. A lot of times it still does. Totally. It's a clarifying thing. Yeah.

It's literally the thought that counts. Yes. It's like, yes, you actually changed your behavior for me. Yeah. Even if you did it for different reasons than I would have done it, I appreciate you doing that, you know? It's not really, oh, you care about my day. It's that you thought to ask that. You know it matters to me that you ask.

Yeah. Even if you're fucking playing fucking playing Roblox or whatever the fuck. Yeah. Because I think a lot of times you're zoning out. Guys get scolded about something. Like you never tell me I'm pretty. And it's like, well, now I'm not going to do it because you're going to think I'm like still do it.

Like still do. I promise you it. They just want you to say it. It's an open book test. Yeah. They get like just like that's what it is. It's like oh you want to stuff like I'm giving you the answers. Just fucking do it. Yeah. If you couch it in like yeah, I know you care or whatever. I just need to hear this. Right. Yes. I've had girls in the past be like, yeah, I need better communication. And I'm just like, well, I texted you every time I wanted to hang out. Yeah. Every time my dick got hard, I texted you. Every time the girl I actually like didn't hit me up, I texted you. That's pretty clear. They literally call it communication. What am I paying AT&T for?

But we are kind of stupid. We do need to be told. Absolutely, absolutely. So good luck, buddy. What else we got, Eld? Hey, Scott. Elvis is being a guest. Thank you for taking my call.

So I'm a male in my mid-30s. I'm happily married, I have a son, and I'm going on a bachelor party of a close friend in a few months. It's because of a big bachelor party. Lots of about 20 guys there, and I anticipate there will be strippers there. The dilemma on end is I've never experienced being around strippers nor have been to a strip club. It's not something that I judge heavily, but it's just some... You're scared you'll see titties? I think that it never interests me and that I've never really had a lot.

opportunity to partake in. But one thing I do know is that my wife is not fond of the idea of strippers just in general. And so I've been thinking about when I'm there, how do I respond if it happens to the strippers or folks want to go to the strip club? On one hand, I don't want to make a big deal about it. If I don't feel like being there, I'm happy to just excuse myself. and not say anything, but I also don't want to try and do that in an indirect way and make a scene out of any of it and damper the party. I really want folks, it's not my party or my celebration.

I really want the green to be able to celebrate in the way that he wants. But I also really implicated about being a part of something that I really don't want to partake in something that I know that my wife has strong opinions on as well. Look, that's pretty much the question. Yeah, you need to leave her wife. She sounds like a big. You deserve better. At least you're consistent across sexes. But here, I tell this to young men all the time.

Strippers are more afraid of you than you are of them. I would like to hear what you guys think about how to... I've handled this before. Oh, you've had this before. I have thoughts, but go ahead. Several years ago, I was like, I wasn't interiors. relationship but I was like I think I had a girl that I was like interested in and going forward I was on a bachelor weekend and my friends all wanted to go to a strip club I thought about

I was like you know what I'm just going to sit this one out and I went and did my own thing for like a because you might have dated this girl that must have been it I don't know have you been at strip club a long long time ago yeah but it's not something that you're you think about going I wasn't no like to go to one I'm good yeah interesting you're a strip club guy I'm I am not like honestly. This vibe is Portland strip club at Tendee. I will say yes. I haven't really patronized strip clubs

but recently but we had there's a scene in tires where we shot at a strip club and they had real strippers there. Yeah. And I was just like, oh man. Because I went to show us when I had no money and it wasn't that big a deal.

It was like fun, you're in and out. It's like whatever. Now I'm like, this could be a real problem. If I get into this right now. Because I bet they are really charmed by you and that you actually... Listen, I'm friends with plenty of strippers. You know what I mean?

Like, I'm friends with plenty of sex workers, and we get along. It's a very similar... What the fuck was that? That was our next guest. Yeah. The whole, the incredible home. And I, yeah, I...

I've been too... I've been too busy, honestly, to go... Yeah. But I was eldest... I was thinking, like, man, how fun would it be to, like, to have, like, a team dinner and then go to fucking pumps

afterwards. Take the boys to a strip club and be like, here you go, fellas. Here's $100 in singles. You know what I mean? Like, just to really give a little morale boost for the company. But here's the thing I'm going to say. It is, first all, it's nice, it is nice

that your wife, she's not nagging you, she's not, she doesn't sound like Nikki did five years ago. She's not, she's not being like, you can't go to the fucking strip club. It's nice that you're like, I think this would bother her and I'm just going to be a good guy about it. Now, you're saying, I'm reading between the lines here,

he's like, we're going to strip club with a bunch of funny guys. And your work, you want to not go to the strip club and also not be called the bitch. Yeah. Might I add? It's one or the other, brother. It's one or the other. He is dry snitching on the homies by doing this.

Absolutely. By bringing it up to his wife or like anyone? Like, yeah. But did she even bring it up? Did he even? Because that's the thing, it's like, dude. Just do it and don't tell her. I know.

Because it's not real betrayal. It's not. No, it's not. At all. You don't even know for a fact. And he doesn't even have to get a lap dance or anything. No. That's what I'm saying.

If you're just there, you can't see titties. He's a person. I'm sorry. And the idea that women get jealous of their husbands, like, looking at an attractive woman and- They're not going to fuck at all. By the way, you hope that your husband's attracted to women who are hot. It means he doesn't have some kind of terminal illness.

He's his body and his brain. That means he's working. He's real, yeah. He can't just only be attracted to you. so I don't even get, just let him enjoy it. A doctor checking up on a guy being like, have you been ogling any fives later? That's a symptom of something really bad.

Have you been jerking off to any busted whores? So I would say, dude, this is good, this is nice, this is cute of you to do, because it's not coming from a place of like, I'm, oh, she won't let me or whatever. I know I'd get in big trouble. You're trying to anticipate your wife's needs. Yeah.

He also isn't. It doesn't sound like he likes it. It doesn't sound like he really wants to, you know. And so that's fine. But they're going to call you a pussy. And that's okay. That's part of being friends. First of all,

you're actually doing a service to the, look at it this way. You're doing a service to the bastard party because you are giving them the guy to roast for the rest of the weekend. You are a very important guy here.

Some guys go grab the pizzas. Some guys bring the, someone gets the Airbnb, whatever. You're the guy who's such a fucking piece like such a coward. Whipping boy. Tits scare you

and they're going to make fun of you for that. That's fine. You're the G.I. Who's laying down on the barbed wire so everyone can run across. Yes. But yes, you can't have it both ways, baby boy. Keep it going, LD.

What's up, Stavs? What's up, Eld? What's up guest? I've called in before with some random kind of more bullshit questions, but I actually have a moral conundrum for you. Excellent. I am in a group therapy for GLP 1 management, just all of us kind of talking.

about how it affects us and whatever and small ages. And some of the older women in the group love AI. I guess that's not shocking. A lot of old people really love AI these days. But there's one specific girl who talks, a woman, she's old, who talks about her AI track bot all the time. She's named him and talks about her conversations with him and all this stuff. And in the last group, I finally just kind of snapped because

I was having a bad week and she was rambling about shit that had nothing to do with the group. And I was like, why are we talking to AI? Like, why? Or is it your friend? Like, and I kind of pushed her on it. And the group ended up being kind of divided with people that agreed with me and people that also had chat box. That's so fucking funny. And now, apparently, she was so hurt and embarrassed by that that she's wanting to leave the group.

Oh, fuck. We all have each other's phone numbers and stuff. And I don't want her to leave the group. but I'm not sorry. You know what I mean? Like, I feel like this is not something that I should be like, oh, I'm sorry. I hurt your feeling like you're destroying the planet. Of course.

And I think it's weird that you don't think that's weird. Anyways, what do you think I should do? Should I say anything to her? Should I just let her leave the group? Should I suck it up and apologize because she's an old lady and it doesn't matter? Yeah. Yeah, what should I do? What would you do?

All right. Bye. I definitely I also have been working on this theory and I might, maybe this is the first new bit I do after the special comes out, but I actually don't blame old people

who love AI. Because think about the technology changes in their lives. These are people that were born without fucking running water, some of them. These are people who went from outhouses to color, to black, to radio, black and white TVs. Like,

the internet itself is actually way more impressive and mind-bending than AI is, right? The fact that you can you can fucking talk to somebody in Germany like that, that's actually crazier than the fact that, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, than the fact that, like, you know, we've created fucking, you know, chat bots that, like, can mimic voices or whatever. That's not, the technology, I'm not that impressed by it, obviously, but I understand why an old person would be.

So, like, like, like, like, like, Jeff Daniel, no, Jeff Bridges was on Theo's podcast, talking about how much he loves, how much he loves AI music. And it's like, you know what? Jeff Bridges is so fucking old. That's like, let him have it. So, and I would say there's a difference between being correct, like correct in your opinion and handling it the right way in the context of a group, right? Because you said you snapped.

You said you were tired of it. My strategy when doing, you know, when talking about things I really fundamentally disagree with on is truly asking out of curiosity, like, why do you think that? You know what I mean? Like, what's behind this? Like, it happens a lot with old people and like trans, like, you know, trans issues and like just, just be like, in general, like, I mean, I've gotten into some fucking arguments with Greek people about immigration and like, it's like fucking like, it's crazy,

like the hypocrisy of, like, I used, I went to hang out with my dad and like some of his fucking friends where half of them are, you know, they're MAGA and it's like, you. you are not from here. You, you were born in a fucking village in Greece, you fucking idiot. And then I was like, and then I was like,

do you know anybody who came in illegally? And literally a guy at the table is like, oh yeah, I mean, I snuck in through Canada. I mean, this kind of shit, right? And so that escalated to an argument.

But it started with like, why don't, you know, and sometimes you can't help it. But you kind of have to make them, you're going to have to like make them be the one who stops the civility. You can't, even though you have the,

You are correct. You can't lose the civil high ground. This is going to be a big problem, I think, in our society where it's like, I get being really mad at boomers for a lot of different stuff, but you're not going to get anything just fucking yelling at them. You know what I mean? The correct way to handle this is you have AI generate a video of John Legend telling this lady that she's a pig.

Like, this is what it does. Who can play at this game, Rhonda? Yeah, I feel like the only argument I've heard for the chat podcast. is that it's, that the good that it brings is that it's for lonely old people that don't have anyone. So I feel like this woman is, which by the way. Lonely and dumb. By the way, that's insane that we just seeded that as a thing. I got, not an argument, me and Neil, Neil Brennan were talking about it. He was like, isn't this good for people who, you know, can't have real girlfriends? It's like, no.

Just we've atomized our society in a place where there's no community. Everybody has to fucking drive some. Everything's a fucking monstrosity suburb. No one is connected to their neighbors. There's no third places. You don't go to a bar, you know, and see. There's cheers the show would not exist today. There's no bar where you know eight people that you see.

Or friends central perk. Totally. There's no places like that. There's nothing like that. And so, and like that is the problem. Yeah. This is a complete bandaid. And old people's another thing.

It's like American society abandons you. Once you're not, once you can't. make anybody money, you're useless in our society. Or you're unfuckable, which is why you're making no money. Exactly. Exactly. They go hand in hand. Your value is either like sexual or it's financial into the system. And it's a once, basically, once you can stop being exploited in the ways they like, you're useless. And look, I think it's fucking weird. I think the like nursing home culture is fucking crazy. Like, like, you know, Greek people don't do that shit. My mom, like, like, she would never, we could afford to put my grandmother in a home, but my mom prefers to be, and like,

my mom is going to live with me or my brother. Like, there's no, like, there's no way we would do that shit. And so that's us, that's us basically surrendering to how fucked up our society is when we say, well, AI can help these people. It's like, no, we should help, our community should help these fucking people. They offer something to us. And it's like, there should be a retirement. There should be, once you're, you, you don't have any value. That's not when you should be cast aside and have to fucking talk to something that, you know, is making it so there's, so the, the average temperature in Montana is two fucking degrees higher. So I think what you did was fine. Well, no, I think it sounds like, but she apologizes for the way she said it. I think you say, exactly.

I think what you say is, I was having a rough day. And if I'm going to be completely honest, I have these issues with AI. I think it's a problem environmentally. I think you're a wonderful person who deserves to have real connections with real people. And it came out the wrong way. And I really value you as a member of this group. I apologize if I embarrassed you. That wasn't my intention. I wanted to have a conversation about it and it came out way the wrong way.

Because you don't want this person. I think that's what you have to do. I think that's what you have to do. And you eat a little crow here and you just have to take it now about AI because you fucked up. You had the high ground and you seated it by, you know,

yelling about this or whatever. Further driving her exactly. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, ever front her with anyway. Yeah, that's so true. Yeah, the chat. It's like, yeah.

Claude, how do you cut someone's brakes? Yeah, man, that's fucking crazy. The AI shit is truly fucking, I mean, we are cooked. I mean, there's no. My sister had a job for a little while that was literally just hanging out with old people in a nursing home. Just like talking to them for a while. It's like, that should be a federally like subsidized job. We should truly go do shows at nursing homes.

That would be so fun. Get booed by old people. My dad plays music at nursing homes. That's awesome. Like every, three times a week. Here's why music is better. Actually, no, don't do comedy. Actually, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, you know, subject these people to stand the comedy.

I know. Let them fucking listen to. Yeah. Let them listen to some doo-wop. I'm trying to get pussy in this nursing home and we're not helping. You're drying these bitches up. This shit is crazy when the sun goes down. Oh, yeah.

When you can. It's fuckboy Island in here, at night. When you combine sundowning with being horny. Oh my God. I need pussy. You become a zombie that just wants to fuck old ladies.

Wow, salute to her. You got some, so yeah, just chill, apologize, and that's fun. Maybe I should join

a GLP1 group, talk to some old fat guys and become friends with them. So they just talk about what it's like to lose a bunch of weight? I guess so. It's a big change

and judgment. I suppose, yeah, I was, and by the way, you did a bit on, was it the Tonight show early on?

And I was mad because I was doing that. bit. Oh, fuck. I'm sorry, man. That sucks. She's not even fucking fat. No, that sucks so much. You're so right. It's okay. It's okay. Because no, no, no, it was, it actually like, I dropped a bit and I do have an ozemp. I mean, I have some Zepbound stuff on the special that went in a different direction. It was good because it was like, that was a, that was a good take when it first came out. But I feel like, I feel like I've done, you know, they've been out for a couple years now. So I needed to do something. It came out, you know, three years,

after it. So I needed a more personal take on anyway, but I do remember being like, fucking, oh, that sucks so much. You piece of shit. No, no, it was good. It was a great bit. It sucks. But there are like lifestyle changes that go along with the routine, right? So there has, like, group therapy is probably part of it. Yeah. I mean, listen, I, I, I'm not in a technical, but I am in a fat guy, fat actors group chat with Mike Mitchell, John Gabris and Zach Cherry. And we talk about, and we're all like, it started with two of, you. of us were on Z. Like, I think Mitch and Zach were on it before. And then I got on it. And then finally, Gabris got on it. Yeah. And then we're all talking about symptoms and like, well,

what, what number are you on? How did it feel there? And truly, sometimes you just want to be like, is this weird or normal? And that's pretty much all. Just like, you know, shitting too much. Oh, okay. Shitting enough. You know what I mean? Like, like, how bad does your, you know, like some people have no symptoms. Some people have, I had like, you know, certain, like, I had really bad weird like burps for a while that were atrocious. Does it calm down other noise in your head just more than food noise? It did at first but I have subjected myself to such an inhuman schedule this yeah the last three months that I don't even know it like it's it's sort of like the the visual of like when the Cheeto and the lock where it's like that bound is like fighting it's

fighting how fucking nervous I mean the last month has been really tough and I've been so so anxious and like And like food is so my greatest. What are you anxious about? I mean, I guess getting sick and figuring all that. That was what it was what I realized was like even if you want to do it, you can push your body way too. Like losing my voice was the ultimate like, oh, I have no control really. I can push past every signal my body sends me. You can go on stage in crutches.

You can go on a wheelchair. You cannot go on without a voice. Exactly. And that's the one thing that you can lose. And if we're being honest, when I threw my back out, I should have been like any regular person would have done really tried to fix it because it's going to fuck you up but i had a tour it was right before tires was filming it was right before the tour and and i was like i was so i was on some levels disappointed myself because after that run that first run where i just got so fucking fat and i was

like addicted to you know fucking weed and fucking pills and like attention from strange and everything right i gave into all my addictions i was like this will never happen again and it wasn't it's not not as bad as that, but I did, I have to be honest, if I was really actually worried about my health first, I wouldn't have, I would have postponed the tour. I would have done something, right? I probably couldn't have done anything with tires, but they were always great about working around my schedule

and whatever, but I would have had one job instead of three jobs with a fucked up back. And so I had to take cortisone shots, which are complete, they're bad for you and they don't solve anything, they just make it so you're not in pain. And so I am, on some level, I am disappointed myself for that,

Because like, and then losing your voice, I got, I was getting sick like every other week on tour. Like I just pushed my body to weigh more than I was capable of. And that was the realization where it's like, oh, even if your mind theoretically wants to do it, you just might not be able to. Yeah. There's a such thing as pushing yourself past what you're capable of. Do you get fucked up up here? Do you get like depressed or like anxiety that's?

I actually think being this busy is a coping mechanism where I don't know, because I do really well. with like you have no time to think about anything. Yeah, that's why I've worked so hard. Exactly, exactly. It's like, I can't think about it. I can't think about it. Yeah. I can't think.

Absolutely. Where it's like so everything's, everything's been a, a, everything's been an emergency, including right now. I mean, we're finishing the special. And this is coming out. We're pre-recording episodes when the specials out. We're not done. You know what I mean?

And then, and we're pre-recogn. Like, in the middle of all, we're also shoot, like, I got a text about the calendar. Like, we're doing, we're setting up our, office like I'm doing eight fucking things it's driving me fucking insane does it gonna slow down yeah once this is done I am true I've said this forever and I know everybody's like yeah yeah we keep hearing you're gonna take time off unless fucking fucking Martin Scorsese calls me unless fucking they're like hey we need we need you on heat too you know what I mean like there's no I'm not doing anything until you know comeback king comes out in February this movie I shot yeah and it's like I'll probably have to

press for that yeah but that's a good break October to February no tour no tour No touring. Oh my God. I'm gonna stay up in New York. I'm gonna just enjoy. I'm gonna hang out. Like, I was like, oh, I wanted to go on vacation, but I kind of missed the Greek window.

But then I was like, I'm just gonna go on vacation in New York. I live in the greatest city in the world at the greatest time. And instead of working, I'm gonna go to the movies. I'm gonna go to the museum. I'm gonna have a nice, I'm gonna have, you know, I was just in a Bourdain movie. I'm hoping I can parlay that to great restaurants. You know what I mean?

Like, I hope some chefs see it or like, why don't you come out? You know what I mean? I'm gonna try and milk Tony. as much as possible, while, you know, enjoying a nice autumnal days in New York City. So, yeah. But I do, you know, I fucking, it's a bad time to pitch you on the game show I've been thinking about. Russian roulette meets Connect 4.

I like that. Is this the strip club question still? Did somebody ask us something else? How do we talk about this off the strip club question? You don't even fucking remember? No, it's a GLP. Oh, yeah, yeah. I was wondering what, yeah.

Thank you, JP. God forbid the producer know what fucking question we're talking about. You don't know. And you clicked on something. You looked at the computer and said, I don't know. I just had the last possible question, cut up. Oh, I see. All right.

Last question. I see. I see. The one to go out on. I see. All right. Well, then go ahead, man. Play us something to go out on, little buddy.

Something fun to go out on. I apologize. This is not a question. But this is just a concept for promoting maybe your calendar. I was watching the sandlot the other day. I would love if you would do a recreation of the scene where Hamilton, the great Hambino, walks around the pool, weighs high to the ladies.

I'm waving on the sign and does a cannonball. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all I have to say. Okay. I feel like that's all be done at some point with your beautiful, beautiful Greek physique. Okay. If you would like for me to play Wendy Peppercorn, please.

I see. Okay, respect. So this is doing something for you. I will let it slide that you're getting horny at a children's movie. First of all, it is squints who pulls the move on Wendy Pepper. I thought it was squints, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Wendy is at least, I mean, they're little, I mean, they're both.

Never mind. They're all children. She's at least 16. No, no, I'm not. Is this the one where he falls in the girl? You did it in the Jerry Seinfeld voice? Come on. She's got huge too.

38. Yes, he's kind of pulling his shit up and he's like doing this, right? Yeah, yeah. Now, that's interesting because we actually do, me and Ben, are a creative producer here. The Cheeks, Mr. Cheeks has directed my specials. We work together on the calendar. Ben has suggested we do a all-movie calendar one year.

And I think it won't be this year, but I think next year we will. So we'll keep that in mind. sister, thank you for calling in. Because the problem is if you if you recreate that and people don't know the reference totally, then it's just what the fuck. Yeah, it's like what the hell is this?

Yeah. If you could play anyone like a reboot of a movie. Mm. Would you, oh, that's fun. Oh, man. Wait, you guys go first. Let me think for the second.

Darth Mall. Only brought it up so I could say that. That's so fucking funny. I do like a You've Got Mail, but with, you know, how it was a small book shop against like a Barnes & Noble. Now it would be Barnes & Noble against Amazon. Yeah. That's so funny how we've moved on.

Yeah. Where you're like, I'm a good guy. I'm shopping at Best Buy. I'm getting DVD from Best. The thing that killed DVD stores? I know. We are so fucked. Capitalism is killing us.

We're the fucking toad in the boiling pot. I would do- mailing a guy, you're like sending him relentless texts. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're sending him snaps. I, for, I mean, my answer is so easy. I stole the, I, if, I stole the graphics from it and kind of the special even special title.

It's Uncle Buck. I want to play Uncle Buck so bad. Oh my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That makes sense. I mean, obviously John Candy, like, get people on that right now. When we were talking about, like, talent versus hard work, I was kind of thinking like, I don't never, no matter how hard I work, I'm never John Candy or Chris Farley.

I'm trying to get, I'm going to do my own, but like, there's just some people who are such supernovas of like natural talent. Candy, maybe. Farley's tough. Farley, I don't got that. Farley, the physical capabilities are insane. Like, I'm not a great actor. I'm an okay actor. Candy is like an unbelievable. He just has something so innate. And planes, trains and automobiles. He kind of breaks your heart. He's so good in that. That's an incredible. That's an incredible. Anyway, this is, that's going to happen. I appreciate it. I appreciate it. But, you know, we'll see. The, the, the, the, what was the invitation? Oh, yeah. Yeah, we'll do that. Yeah, I'm both going to be, you think I can be

John Candy and I can also be. Seth Rogen and. Seth Rogen in the invitation. 100%. I'll take. both of those. Anyway, that is going to do it for us. Thank you. Nikki, thank you so much. So,

so happy to have you. Come on. Big Day, don't get used to being on the free ones. You're going right back to the Patreon after this. He said,

don't get comfortable and I didn't. Yes, you're on tour right now. Go see Nikki in person. All new material. All new material. The special's out.

It's been out for a while. Watch that. You've got a ton of specials. on tour, the next Golden Globes, these, Mr. McDade. Check us out in January. Mr. McDade will be writing for those. And, you know, hopefully, hopefully this year, me and Zach Cherry will do a bit about. Oh, you know, the other one I wanted to make fun to mock was Ethan Hawking in.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where it's like the fucking guy who was such a, he was like the biggest piece ass in Hollywood, his big stretch is, what if I couldn't get pussy? He wins an Oscar. He wins, he wins, he gets an Oscar nomination. for Jesse Plymouth, by the way, who should have been nominated. He gets an Oscar nomination for like that. What if I was a short, bald guy who couldn't fuck a beautiful woman?

That was a big acting challenge for him. Fuck you. You're a legend. I love you. You're so good at acting, Ethan Hawke. But come on, man. A little bald guy couldn't, a bisexual little bald guy couldn't have played that part. Anyway, that's going to do it for us, folks.

And we will see you next time. Bye, bye.