Stavvy's World - #33 - Andrew Santino

Episode Date: July 17, 2023

Andrew Santino joins the pod for a special on-the-road episode in LA to discuss the evolution of monkeys, the Hollywood illuminati, people settling for the not-quite-ideal partner, Kamala Harris, Hunter Biden, Santino's Italian-Irish heritage, cops in the family, and much more. Santino and Stav helps callers including a woman wondering if she should fess up after accidentally navigating to an inappropriate website at work, and a guy wondering how to let his barber down easy to start seeing a better barber in the same shop. Murder your thirst with Liquid Death! Get 20% off your first merch order exclusively at https://www.LiquidDeath.com/STAVVY Download the Gametime app, create an account, and use code STAVVY for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. More info at https://gametime.co/ Unlock exclusive, Patreon-only episodes at patreon.com/stavvysworld Wanna be part of the show? Call 904-800-STAV and leave a voicemail to get advice! 

I have a big family and they're spread around multiple countries. So a few years ago it was my brother's wedding and most of them decided to come. Great news, but a big problem. Where do you put eight people all with different requirements and keep them all together? We looked at some hotels but then it was obvious get an Airbnb. My mom and I were able to find the perfect place. It was a big house with multiple rooms and in a part of the city with woods

and walking trails all around. The Airbnb also included a huge kitchen where we all got together the day after the wedding for a big family meal. This is a cherished memory for my family and me. And whenever I drive by that location, it always makes me smile. Not long ago, my mom and I stopped by that area to walk around.

And remember, one of the most special times for my family, whether you're traveling with friends or with family for a big wedding or justification, get an Airbnb. Ho-ba! Welcome, everybody, to Stockton's World. So excited. We have a great episode. You're going to love it. Before we get to it, I have a couple announcements. I want you to know about my dates

I want you to know about some of our beautiful sponsors, but I had to play the music last time we did no music We almost had a mutiny on our hands. So come see me live The fall tour kicks off in London Then we're going to since yeah from London to Cincinnati big drop off in terms of Yeah, from London to Cincinnati, big drop off in terms of metropolitan cities, but I love your sense. You keep buying tickets. Cincinnati Columbus Cleveland, Ohio, big shows Baltimore Detroit, Grand Rapids, Philly,

that I'm in Florida, Orlando Tampa, not Miami Fort Lauderdale, Milwaukee, Kansas City, and we wrap up the tour in New York at the Beacon Theater. So grab those tickets at Stabby.biz and I want to see, I love seeing you here on the internet, but I'd love to see you in person. I'll just, you know, I was thinking the other day, I love, you know what I love, mango the fruit.

I love it sweet, it's delicious, and I was eating a piece of mango, pre-cut from a beautiful market here. You know how a story has some beautiful fruit markets. Absolutely. That was my move. I would get a little fruit salad. You know many times I've gotten sucked off. I'd be like, this is actually... One time I, after a day, I was like, want to come back with some fruit salad.

And I thought it was smooth. And then some girl, after she I was like, what a comeback for some fruit salad. And I thought it was smooth. And then some girl, after she fucking was like, that was so weird, you asked me to come over for a fruit salad. I was like, I don't know. I wasn't drunk. I didn't, I wasn't drinking at the time. Well, they say mangoes are an effort, D'sia. Well, here's the thing.

Thank you for bringing me back on point. Because I was eating the mango. And oftentimes I've had mango and gotten pussy right afterwards Yeah, and I was thinking to myself what if this mango made my dick hard Now that would be something else that be awesome and I am happy to report that there is a new kid in the game You know, I'm a dick pill evangelist. Oh, yeah, you know, I'm an ED I've tried them all from the gas stations to other other services. Mango RX now has a new ED pill that

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It was like unsheathing my hardcock. It was pure metal after I had some mango Rx, bro. Shining in the light. Yes. One little gleam. One little gleam when I turn my dick a little bit. Mango Rx tastes good and makes your dick hard like metal folks. You heard it here first.

I don't know. Yeah, because like I said, I've done a bunch of them. And they also have an amino acid that helps increase blood flow. They got all kinds of science in here. They're making them taste delicious. I am so happy. It was the goal of this podcast. Truly, we sort of made a podcast to discover

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Eldis, I think you might have to change your long standing opinion on ED medication in general because look, here's the thing about my ego, Alex, you might not need it, but you're going to want it, pal. Yeah. All right. I know I've spoken about it a lot, but I am excited to try this one. Yes.

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I have a big family and they're spread around multiple countries. So a few years ago, it was my brother's wedding and most of them decided to come. Great news, but a big problem. Where do you put eight people all with different requirements and keep them all together? We looked at some hotels, but then it was obvious, get an Airbnb. My mom and I were able to find the perfect place.

It was a big house with multiple rooms and in a part of the city with woods and walking trails all around. The Airbnb also included a huge kitchen where we all got together the day after the wedding for a big family meal. This is a cherished memory for my family and me. And whenever I drive by that location, it always makes me smile.

Not long ago, my mum and I stopped by that area to walk around and remember one of the most special times for my family, whether you're traveling with friends or with family for a big wedding or justification get an Airbnb. This is guaranteed. Now, I'll just hit him with the music again. Fuck it. Oh, baby, welcome to Stavis World. We are here in beautiful, bright live from Santorini, Greece. We're'll, we're not in the usual home studios folks,

you can tell, you know, we're doing a little Hollywood business, Hollywood, Hollywood, Hollywood, Hollywood, we're at the beautiful, all things comedy studios, but we've made it, we've made it feel like home here. It feels nice, it feels different because I have a competent producer, Aaron, if you want to just say yes. Hi everybody. Faded out beautifully.

Listen to this, folks. Watch this, listen to this, folks. Oh, never mind. Fuck, I was going to pay you a compliment. I was really looking forward to working with a non-Albanian producer. There it is. It's gone now.

I was really playing to make you like the beautiful counterpart to our moron eldest, but you know, you've set up such beautiful things. This green screen eldest could never have done it. It is nice though, everything but the fade out, it turns out no producer can fade out the music the way you want it. That's fine. So you live you learn. I guess, I unfortunately I've begrudgingly realized I maybe took out this slightly for granted in one arena only because everywhere else he is a big piece of dumb shit.

But we're very happy to be here in the studios. While I'm trying to get in the show business illuminati, let me be the dumb neighbor in a sitcom. Let me be the fat guy in a romantic comedy who the two protagonists You know, let's get our guest in your cuz I think he's gonna like to riff on this I want to introduce my boy the beautiful Andrew Santino Thank you also coming live from Greece here with Greece You can see right here look at they ring the bell every time a kid is touched in the church below

We are off that we don't we do that's ancient Greece Modern Greece one of the least molesting Really we know fast because our priests and I've said this before our priests they get a wife Oh, yeah, you're allowed to get a wife. You're allowed to get a wife. That's cool. Yeah, it's pretty nice. But do they, do some of them still do the whole like? I think maybe some traditionalists. Yeah.

If they're really, if they're really, there's probably a being old-fashioned and grease means molesting. Yeah. It means like, wearing a toga. And if you're old-fashioned, you're just in the closet touching kids. No, you know, that's the nice thing.

I do think it's a pretty sexually free society, so you don't really have to molest in Greece, everyone. And they're fucking ghosts. God bless. I think a lot of the mountain guys that maybe would molest if they didn't have access to livestock, they got it. Well, then what's the excuse for Ireland? Because they love.

They love to molest and for livestock. Yeah, no go for bolts. I don't know, it's good. They double dip, dude. Those guys love to molest and wild stock. Yeah, they'll go for balls. I don't know. It's double dip, dude. Those guys they double dip in Ireland double dip in. I got two appointments today. One of the church, one of the firemen. Bad boys out there.

That is tough. You were trying to get into Hollywood cabal. Is that what you're saying? I'd love to. I'd love to get into the cabal. I would love to, like I was saying, I'd love to be the fat neighbor in a sitcom. I'd love to be like in a romantic comedy

when the two like protagonists finally get together. I would love for them to bump into me at a coffee shop. The girl is acting sheepish and the guy's like, what's going on here? And she's like, we used to hook up. And that's like a deal, almost a deal breaker form. It's like, you fucked him. Yeah. You know, and that's a big argument. I's like, we used to hook up. And that's like a deal, almost a deal breaker for him. It's like, you fucked him. Yeah.

You know, and that's a big argument. And I'm like, I look fat as shit. I'm like, oh, hey, what's up, Sandra? You know, I'm fucking chocolate dripping down my cheeks. I'm like farting and shit. And I'm like, how could you fuck that? And it has this whole argument. I'm in there for a scene.

I'm funny for a scene. I'm out, you know? And then the two beautiful people, I provide the dramatic, you know, the, what leads them to break up and then eventually come back together. You're the end of act two, basically. I'm the end of act two. You're the end of act two.

Just let me be the end of act two. I can't imagine a world where this hot girl fucks me, you know what it is, you know what I do. I think I have maybe played that role in certain people fucks me, you know what it is? Which I do I think I have maybe played that Roll in certain people in real life Yeah, yeah, you've done that in real I'm probably done that where guys are like that dude Oh 100% but then the girl goes yeah that dude. Yeah, you left you left the memories Yeah, of course, of course, but you have to pretend like it was a mistake remember California occasion The Covney?

Yeah, you they should do. I never saw it. They should remake it with you. I'd love that. Because he's like this like his wife. I think the story was like he's a sex addict, right? But his wife cheated on him, I think, and that justified to him all of his.

I think that's what it was. I don't really remember, but I never. I never. I never saw it, but I believe Susan Saran and the daughters tits her out in an episode. Really? And I only know that because I saw the stills and I was like, damn, that girl has some big titties.

Who was her daughter? Just a girl with big tits on California. Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna burn it. Well, here's the thing. I saw a pair of titties on the internet somewhere. Sure. And then I, like, a bloodhound had to sniff the trail to see where they led to.

See what they got to. And it turns out they were from California Cation. And I was like, a bloodhound had to sniff the trail see where they led to, see where they got to. And it turns out they were from California Cation. And I was like, who is this fucking lady? She's awesome. I believe it was Susan Sarandon's daughter, with which let's just say the titties run in the family. They did. Those are some of the bet.

To this day, I don't want to be this respectful Susan, but, you know what do you got to lose? Great chance. I would love, imagine if I could, no. I would love to, what I wanna get out of my trip is, she doesn't live in LA, does she? Or does she? I would love to get out of this trip.

I would love to be active and it remained the comedy and I would love to have a twist with Susan Sarandon. Ooh, you know, and I'm respectfully Susan. Respectfully. I want a courtship. Right. You see how my demeanors change that I talk about Susan. Yeah, when you talk about Susan, it all switches up.

I want to go on a nice chaste walk, get to know each other. Like a hike? I don't know about a hike. I'm not good on inclines. I need to impress this woman. You only have sweating. I need to be like taking a break every fucking 10 seconds. I like if you do a hike with her,

but you have to get helicopter it up so you only go down Yeah, it's a dissension high if you're a fat man never plan a date uphill Let me tell you that much down only I need a slight a slight degree Degrade slight decline slight declines beautiful because no one feels the decline and you look taller when you walk down That's your back is a little she should be a little in front of me and look back. She should be back pedaling, so I look taller. But yeah, I want to go in a beautiful romantic walk. I want to take her to some fine dining.

See, you are romantic. This is a thing. If your titties are big enough, I'ma romantic. If you're a legendary actress with beautiful politics who supported Bernie and you have big ass titties. You're in. I'm in. If you're a legendary actress with beautiful politics, who supported Bernie and you have big ass titties. You're in. I'm in.

I'll fly you to France for a class. We'll have coffee at the top of the Eiffel Tower. You know, I could see you be, I could see you genuinely ending up with someone much older than you. I could see that much class wise, just because you want the experience, the intelligence, like an older woman seems like you're vived.

I think I'm, you know, it's interesting. At minimum your age is what I mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. Like I think at minimum your age, but you like a woman who's like established, who's got their shit, right? I do like that. Who knows what they're talking about all the time.

I have in the past been trying to someone who is hot and also like very driven. I do find that actually very attractive. That's what I'm talking about. And that usually ends up being some woman that's got her own thing and she probably doesn't have time for you which is kind of hot. I would love someone else's.

She's like I would see you but you know I'm leaving for singing the morning for Prague and you're like, I want to be the one. I'm like, please. I would love you. Yes. Like an art dealer. I can art deal like one of those sex days with a little bit of gray. Or just fully gray but they're still like.

She's got the glasses that match her outfit every time. And where's always funky shoes and cool stockings. And she says, I know who this is. The thing is, I think I'm destined to be lifted. In my heart, I'm still absolute trash. I am destined to be lifted up and be like the, provide a little bit of blue collar, comedic relief, you know,

and this stuffy world. I'm a nice change of pace for this silver fox, but Teddy's still big, by the way. In this, in this, let's just get one thing clear, folks. Teddy's still big. Stacked. Grey hair. Yeah, stacked.

That's the bottom line. That would be awesome. You're like intelligence driven. Yeah. No, I can see my stuff. Independent, here's the thing though. Stacked. That's the bottom line. That would be awesome. You're like intelligence driven. Yeah, no, I could see my Independent. Here's the thing though stacked. Here's the thing. I it would be insane for me to be like Well, she's a woman's got to have a certain physical thing for me to end that way there because there's no woman on earth Who when she sits down blank canvas and says describe your perfect man? There's not one that describes me and says describe your perfect man, there's not one that describes me. No, that's not true.

That's not true. That's just like fatty shit. No, balding long hair. How about sweet, thoughtful, funny? No, no, all those things, but if in a perfect world. Yeah, but nobody's drawing their perfect person. That doesn't exist. But otherwise, no, men would never get married.

Sure. But no one picks us. Yeah. We're, we're, we're, we're, you know, like a colander for, you know, like a, like a gold sifter. Sure. It's like, ooh. Yeah, you're gonna, yeah, you're, yeah, you're gonna have to like, let some things go at some point.

Like alcoholism. All right, let that go. Let that go. Yeah, let that go. Fortnite skins. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right. Like getting your, yeah, getting credit card. Yeah, playing video games till 2.30, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right. But anyway, my point is obviously, you know, I am very open to whoever I end up with

because I need a woman who's also very open to the physical attributes. I think probably personality wise, yes, someone would sketch me out. In fact, if that wasn't the case, I'd be fucked. Big time. Deep shit.

Deep shit, big time. But all I'm saying is is the beautiful silver fox art collector does not have to have huge titties. That's all I'm saying. Now what I'd be mad if she did. It's a good bonus. It's an added bonus. It's an added bonus.

It's a fucking bonus. Well, but you said before we start the show that you're going to switch up your health next year. Next year is the year of Stavvy. Yeah, I love this because people are going to have a great time in the comments being like, yeah, he's been saying he's gonna lose weight and he gets fat every day and they're not wrong. But when people, it's almost like people don't want you

sometimes to succeed in these routes because it's like Jonah Hill did all that stuff and fixed himself. Yeah. People were like annoyed with him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People were mad about it. They want me to be their little fat sysophists. Just like going back up to the,

but top of the mountain it's Korean barbecue. And I haven't waited much. It's like I get healthy and then I treasurer up the fat mountain. And every little, there's like snacks on every part. And instead of taking out my own liver, I just have a really decadent meal and you fucked up for six months on tour. Because that is what happens to me. I go on the road. So anyway, yes,

what I was saying is this year, I have to stop myself from like overworking. Because what's happened is like, it's been a great year, salute. I'm very happy. Thank you to everybody who's bought tickets. The touring is going crazy. I have some cool projects coming up. I have a special coming out. I did a lot in a year and it just did. It does fuck up with when all your time is put towards your career, all your goals kind of, you know, disappear. And for me, what that means is like I just go right back to my unhealthy habits. So next year, the plan is to tour. I haven't announced it yet, but we're

announcing it soon to tour in the spring, in the winter, in the early winter spring, like February through April. And then actually fully, I feel like every year I talk about taking a lot of time off. It's not a lot. It never happens. Yeah. In fact, the first time we met when we did your pod, we had this exact, so that's why let's not spend too much on this because we will be like, not only as he said this before, he said it on my side. Yeah, yeah.

They're just gonna just put these side by side. They put a side by side. It's the exact same narrative. Yeah, yeah. So in my... But it's gonna happen. In my attempt to escape being fat cysophists, I have just turned down a lot of like opportunities next year to be like, no, I need, I need this time to get healthy. But anyway, you'll do it.

I'll do it. I just want to, and not just get healthy, but find my art collector. Well, you know who was here. I'm surprised. When you said you're coming into town early, I thought I know why, because Kamala Harris is here. I know you're on the hunt, too.

Yeah, dude. I know you're on the hunt. Kamala, couple of zannies and there's some white zinn. You know she goes buck wild after half of Zannie Bore. Can you get her some Santa Margarita, bro? It's over, man. Doug Emrahoff or whatever the fuck his name is, he's not laying it down.

Uh-oh. He's not eating pussy with the kind of fervor that I am. Not, man. That mouth. That mouth. That mouth. Magic. I would, I would, and you see the difference between how I respect Susan and what I think of Kamala, I would smash Kamala.

It would be like, you know what I mean, I would marry her. No, I would make her a little cop outfit and be like, you fucking prosecutor, you fucking piece of shit. This is for free the guys, and I'm just fucking gang. You get a black face, and you're like, put me away from life. Yeah, is this what you want? I wipe it off. You fucking bitch, and I'm really giving to her.

You thought you were gonna arrest a black guy? I wipe off the black face. I'm like, no, it's me, and I'm gonna fuck you now. That's our roleplay. Raseq this. Raseq this. Raseq this five and three quarters, not even that hard, unless you really apply yourself. You're gonna have to do a lot of the work.

Are you a grower, not a shower, or are you a shower? I am a neither. I think one is the outside. You're the grower, or a grower, not a shower. I suppose when your dick is so little, when it's soft, by default, you're a grower, but it don't grow to nothing that crazy. But it's still grow. Yeah, yeah, it's. I think it grows get smaller. I think that's against yeah smaller.

The smaller would be great. It's smaller would be great. He's had such a long flasid dick. And it gets hard and it sucks up. It actually would kind of make sense because it gets denser. Yeah, that's actually true. Because then all the all the muscle combines. All that blood and muscle would combine. It would make a lot of sense. Yeah, this guy designed true. Because then all the muscle combines. All that blood and muscle will combine. It would make a lot of sense. Yeah, this guy designed it wrong. This fucking bad UL stars. Nice try, dude.

Although I guess in some ways it's like a, you know, it is like, it keeps it safer. They're probably, closer to you as safer for sure. Probably like a, on the evolutionary tree, there was probably a version of like some monkey with just a fat cock. They kept like, he's in the trees

and just like draftses keep biting it, biting yourself cock off and they never got the reproduce. So then the guys, the showers or the growers, they got to win. They got to win. They got to win. Yeah, they got to win. That's probably what it is. That's really fat, really smart.

That giraff cock. That's right. Just like, and now those guys like, come on. Oh my cock's gone. That's it. Dude, imagine being a going going going. And that was like, come on! My cock's gone. That's it. Dude, imagine being a monkey and having your cock bitten off, there's no way to, like, humans we could like, create art.

Yeah. I mean, but they're right at the, they're almost smart, they're smart enough to feel a deep anguish that their dick is cut off. They understand pain. But not smart enough to like, you know, express themselves, they're just depressed forever.

Like a dumber animal, their cock gets bitten off, it's like, oh, that sucks. They don't even know any of that. You bite a rabbit's dick off, it's still just eaten spinach until it dies, until it bleeds out. But at chimpanzee, you could probably figure out how to go on, dickless.

Yeah, but not creatively. Although you know what, maybe it's not. Although that would be the first, first artistic monkey. We should start ripping their. Although you know what, maybe we should- Although that would be the first artistic monkey. We should start ripping their dicks off and see what they make. Yeah, see how fast it takes under develop language. Yeah. When we take their dicks away.

I've been reading the news recently, and monkeys just talking. That's the real how planet of the ape started. Right. It's a fucking race of unique monkeys that are mad. Although I wonder if he would just, because the other thing is, chimps are pretty resourceful.

I wonder if he was just super resourceful. I wonder if he would just, rip off another chimps dick and try to put it back on his own. I guarantee that's the first step. They would, and try to put someone else's dick on theirs. Because they're aggressive, it's shit, they're violent. Do they're so violent? Well, and they know to rip dicks off.

100% yeah, they know defense mechanisms. They absolutely absolutely know about they have the exact same thing that that humans have when it comes to like except for fight or flight They're almost always fight. Yes. We're a lot more flight. We're plus. Yeah, they're almost always fight They like their instinct is I'm gonna die. I have to go for it So for sure in a chim fight. There's been a dick ripping. I was no doubt in my mind No, it's like documented. Yeah. When they attack people, they rip their dicks off. They rip their dicks off.

Yeah, they're dicks off. But I mean, I wonder if they rip each other or they just do it to us because they know they were weird. Yeah, what happens when a chip get, there's got, we gotta do some research. We gotta, we gotta do some research on this. What happens when a chip, a dick ripping? Yeah, what happens when a chimp gets it's

a dick ripped off but survives? I mean, when you see those, does it become a girl in chimp? Are there any chimp? Yeah, there's gotta be chimp. That would be awesome. That would be a nice argument against to everyone who's saying being trans on natural

is like, it's very, even fucking the animal king. The guys that came before us. Yeah, they did it. And there are animals that just become trans like to for survival, I believe. It's gotta be, what do you mean? They're on animals that they do anything. Well, there's tons of animals that are,

what is it? Like her man for dice? Yeah, her maffordites, that's what it is. Yeah, there's so many of them. Or they can switch their genitalia, that's a real thing that they can, that's genitalia jump would be amazing. Think of you could just have a pussy for a day.

Just to check it out. Just to check it out and then go back in a week or two if you feel like it. That would be actually really cool. If you just push your dick in, because I don't want to be trans mostly because, I mean, a couple reasons, but it seems mostly because. Mostly because of how, like, I haven't even considered it

because it's did so like, final, right? But if it's like, if it's like putting on a little costume and you just press a button and you're dick just like one of those old toys where you could flip the head and now Superman is Clark Kent. You know what I mean? He's got the glasses on now. You know what I mean? Like remember the chest was so huge so that it could fit ahead?

Yeah, it bent down into it. It would help? Yes, yes. If you could do that, that would be, I think a lot of people would give it a whirl. Yeah. And I think that, yeah, I, I, I, It's not in the cards for you. Not. And don't take any events to this.

You would not be a pretty one. No, no, no, no, no, no. And I don't want it. I mean, I got lucky that I do. You look like a great guy. I love being a guy. It's nice. It's not going to change.

Trust me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think that, although you might dominate college softball. Nah, bad shoulder. We'll get you Tommy Johns, we'll fix you right up. Let's fix you right up. Yeah, I feel bad for the Transcomputer

because it's so hard. Like, that's what's interesting is like, people that would congratulate you on weight loss are like the most macho like you know Like just like bro bro bro. Yeah, dude good for you. You're not fat anymore. You made a lifestyle change Like that's just me eating a little less and moving around. Yeah, you know how much harder is to be trans That's a much bigger. Yeah, much bigger lifestyle change and just as a like accomplishment You think those guys would be like now that's a much bigger, that's a much bigger lifestyle change. And just as a like accomplishment, you'd think those guys would be like, now that's a serious body transformation.

Right. You'd think like those guys would be like, good for you. You're simply stopping a sis meal. Just not going in for six. Yeah, let's style it back to four meals. Four meals, three snacks, let's take out one of those snacks. Just clip one snack and you're good. Not a hard thing to do.

Not a hard thing, but they probably have to lose weight, they have to have all these surgeries, all those... The drugs, the chemicals, the hormones, the testosterone. So much work. It's so much harder to lose weight. I don't even want to take a multivitamin. I can't think of the virus.

I fuck up every few months. I start with a pro and prebiotic, and then I'll go for two weeks and be like, fuck, I forgot the thing when I'm on the road, and then I'll stop doing it. Just done. I do that with every product I try to buy. It's the same thing with one of the cast members on Dave,

Christine, who is so sweet. She gave us this beautiful skin package. She's gorgeous Asian with perfect skin. She's like, it can kind of help you. That's what she said. Yeah, and I tried for three days, and then you do the thing, you're like, it's a it can kind of help you. That's what you said. Yeah, and I try and I tried for like three days and then you do the thing you're like it's a routine. I'll try it.

No, I fucking dump it after five days. It's impossible. I can't do it. I have no routine in life to me is work. That's it. I hate it. I hate routine. I would feel.

I would feel so bad at it. So anyway, that's just a little, you know, it's like. It's a little tidbit about the earth. Just a little tidbit about what's going on. Chips getting the dicks ricked off. Yeah, it's how much harder it is to be trans than to lose weight. And then people that are, like if you start fat guy and then you lose weight in transition at the same time,

you deserve some kind of plaque. Time magazine. Double in it up. That's what you're making the paper. That's fucking sick. You're making the paper. That's fucking sick. You're definitely making the paper. Big respect.

Can you address a rumor that I've heard about you? Sure. Yeah. Was it your cocaine in the White House? It was, yeah. People do want to know. I mean, the internet's a buzz. I was in there.

I was in there. I mean, Dr. Jill Biden. Oh, you in the doc? The fact that they're trying to make it seem like it's a negative that Hunter was getting yacked out at the White House is so stupid. It sounds so much more fun than what's really going on at the White House.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You mean party, finally? Yeah. And that boring stuffy bullshit. It's wildly aristocratic, fucking numb haul of nothingness. They should let you do Coke. I think they usually have parties in there. Yeah, but I mean, they can't, like, yeah, they,

but the parties they do, they'd like, you know, sacrifice a child. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, they play like, they can't like, yeah, they put the parties they do would they'd like, you know sacrifice a child Yeah, you know, they play like they play games with people's teeth. You know, I mean like right right It was all sad and weird right right having a little bump of a yak and going on on the patio and waving to the press I mean pretty fucking cool. Yeah, it is pretty cool for him to be out there like wiping his hair being like Fucking no doubt it was I thought that was rad just doing this Yeah, and if Biden had a sense of humor and just be like like wiping his hair, being like fucking goat down in his, I thought that was rad. Just doing this. Yeah. And if Biden had a sense of humor and just be like,

ugh. Yeah. That would be funny. Yeah, be the most American thing. Yeah. It'd be the most American thing to just make a little lightheartedness of like the chaos. It's also the thing about a hunter that you have to respect

is that he's not, he's not causing the taxpayer money. He's not taking ever his dad's special Adderall. You know, when everything got to do a speech, that guy is on some kind of cocktail that we can't even imagine to bring him back to life. He's probably in a chamber before every public appearance and then they fucking stab him in the heart. And he's just like for two hours.

It's alive! For two hours, he's just like right ago giving a speech, whatever. Hunter is a drug addict to stick with his own cocaine and crack instead of stealing the American taxpayers like super, super, super, vi-vance that they give to a widen. You know, Hunter on that would be on style.

That would be the limitless pill. You know what I mean? Like, that's a lot of self esteem or self control to bring your own drugs. I think it was, I think it was, I award it heavily. Go off, go do your thing, have fun, hunt. Take a bump. You think the Bush crew wasn't bumping?

Come on, dude. Oh yeah. They just knew how to finish it and clean up. Absolutely. That's the thing. You saw 9-11, They knew how to clean it up. That's the problem is that there, you do lack some discipline with Joe Biden as the, everyone takes their cues from the leader. That's a little, you know, sloppy pop. A little sloppy, a little, you know, lost a step. You know, Joe was doing some stuff. He was 100%. 100%.

100%. Yeah. So anyway, that's, I'd like to clear that up and I would chill with Hunter I'm sure he's done some horrific shit absolutely But every time I see, because I'm, you know, I don't follow the news that Like that anymore and every story I see I'm like Pretty fucking cool. I know there's probably more details about Hunter and he's probably done some notchills Sure, sure, sure. If I had to guess Hunter and he's probably done some notchill stuff. Sure, sure.

If I had to guess, but he's doing 170 and smoking crack. Pretty funny. Pretty funny, dude. What are you doing here, you're that guy? Because that is in the White House right now. It's not like a year's later thing. It's not like a... Present, currently.

...right now he's smoking crack and he's just... And he keeps taking pictures of himself smoking crack. Well, and video. Video is even funnier. pictures of himself smoking crap. And video. Video is even funnier. And he was get, yeah. Video's so definitive. It's not even like that picture was doctored. It's like that video.

It's him, dude. What's up? He's holding a newspaper the day. Hunter Biden here, dude. It's on his face, on it. Does he think that was mine, dude? It wasn't. No, I do respect the, I mean,

have fun, hon. Always anyone super successful does. It's one of the most tried and true thing of having a fucked up son. It's like either the very rarely is the like, are both the parent and the kid like successful. Successful. Never, never, almost never.

I broke the mic by the way. That's all right, buddy. We'll figure it out. Can you do it, all right? Yeah. I got it. Do you think you can persevere? Yeah, let's see it.

It was kind of on there, real, real, real, okay, real janky. Hold on, we're gonna do it. I love this, you got it. Oh, you're putting it back on. Wow, you know, this, I got it, look at the skill level. I got it.

Just got it, Aaron, don't worry. You know, eat a bolt of these in all things. Each passing time, you know, I really was looking at the skill level. I got it. I just got it Aaron. Don't worry. You know eat a bolt of these in all things I'm time, you know, I really was looking at this as an opportunity to shit on eldest But Aaron has blown it with the mic stand as well. Yeah, what do you guys do? I'm not boltin' these to the table Disco what is bill bird doing over here? We gotta be versatile just screw it down. I'm sorry Aaron. You don't deserve it. He needs to be versatile

There's probably there's probably a whole microphone screwing guy that fucked this up. Yeah, there is a guy upstairs. Yeah. Who's like, fuck, I'm getting a fuck. Yeah, and I hope so. That's all he's thought about. I hope you get berated by Bill himself.

But it is beautiful to see you in Greece by the way. I know, isn't this nice? Isn't this a gorgeous background? You gotta take me, I do wanna go with you. Let's go brother. But I wanna spend time on a boat with you in Greece. Okay. I would love it if I had any sort of power at all,

and money like that way that I could get a boat together with a bunch of young beautiful women to just document you on it. I have a reality show. That would be cool. You out at sea. And they're all, yeah, that would be sick. Hey, this started as me showing you something

and then that's what a kind guy you are. And we're gonna do some screening, these have to be chubby chasers. 100%. You know, we've had to be fan of you. Just me in paradise, me living my Hunter Biden dreams. Yeah, let's be honest, probably sex workers here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. I said reality TV, and what are we talking about? Which I'm a big fan of by the way. Yes, that's my whole hose everywhere. My theory is that most people on reality TV are sex workers. Yeah, of some kind. Okay, yeah, because at some point you have to transition. From real.

When the show isn't going, you gotta get only fans, you have to sell the thing. I think if you're hot. Especially if you're hot. I think a nice percentage do. But some people aren't built for it. It's tough. Yeah, I know you're on OnlyFans aren't you? I love.

You would clean up. If my dick was bigger, I would be naked every day. See, but I think you're wrong here. Why don't you just put your regular dick on OnlyFans? It's not. It doesn't. You're a hero for regular dick guys. I bet you guys would sign up just to go right on.

That's the one hurdle to body positivity. I'm still clad. It's my Everest. Once I post my fucking soft little ass dick. Also, again, I'm too fat right now. I think if I maybe cut down a hundo, because your dick looks a lot better when you're a little bit faster.

Would you go full frontal on television or film? Yeah, you would. I tried to get my balls in a project I worked on this summer. But you got great balls, I bet. I have big fat balls. That's what I am. Yeah. Regardless of your deck, I bet you got wonderful balls.

Nice balls. Big beautiful balls. No, no, I've said it before, but multiple women I've hooked up with have like complimented my balls, which is both cool about my balls and also means my penis is atrocious. Because it's, because they don't cover like that. Because they don't cover like that. They don't cover like that. Because they don't cover that. You should be complimenting, and you know. But maybe some girls just like the balls. They have talked about how it's a nice, you know,

if you show me in your hand. Show me how big one ball is. Just show me in your hand. It's pretty, you know, they're pretty fat. You know, I have to... That's together one nut. I would say one nut is like this. Like a nice lime.

That's pretty big. Like a nice lime. That's a big ball. No, I have fat nuts. I have very fat nuts. But again, a nice lime. That's pretty big. Like a nice lime ball. No, I have fat nuts. I have very fat nuts, but again, a little penis. Which, you know, who gives a shoe? I'm, look, functionally I'm over it and in my life it doesn't matter,

but to photo, if I had a bigger penis that would be out every day, and you're right, I need to work towards posting my cock. Yeah, do it. I need to work that. You're a conch right, does it all the time. But he's got a nice one. But see, but this needs to be the breaking point of our community and our culture.

Regular to small penises should also be celebrated. If they're going to do that with bodies and swimsuit issue and all that stuff, and they'll like, they'll like, we want down syndrome models. We want obese models. Why can't there be regular to small regular? That's like the lower middle class. Showing cock that much though is the thing. Yeah, and they should. Why don't they show cock?

I don't get it. They're starting to show cock, but that's a good point because there was a big after, like I feel like Game of Thrones the first season, every woman was naked and then to kind of balance it out and show more cock, but all the cock was big. Yeah, they didn't show small dick. And then Jason Seagullscock, he showed it in,

I love you, man. Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Oh, so that you're right. He was showing cock, but he's got a nice cock. Maybe he did show it and I love you, man, as well. I feel like that guy was like, Well, there's that deleted scene where Paul Rudd sucked his cock up and we're like,

and Paul Rudd's going like, just like doing stuff on his dick. Ooh, ooh, ooh. Aren't I handsome? Ooh, ooh, ooh. Yeah, he's doing it cork, He's doing it like rolls his eyes. I still get to laugh. It tested so well.

Everyone's like, I like the part when Paul Russ like this guy. We're not going to put it in, but it was really good. But yeah, I think you're right. And it's good that we noticed that on this episode, we have to clear that hurdle of body positivity. Show a regular to small dick. So I'm going to do my 2024 vision board right now.

Yeah, put it out. And it is lose some weight, I'll be getting health here, whatever. I'm not gonna post-cock 2024, but I'm going to prepare to post-cock in 2005. I have to get all my ducks in a row. Yeah, you do. You know, really just like take some test photos of my cock.

Right. Soft and hard. But I went in a movie. So if somebody wants to cast me, I'll show my little ass dick. You will. I will. Have you ever sunbed it? I did actually, so I just shot the 2024 calendar, actually.

That's one of the reasons that's right. That's right, that's right. I got the old one hanging up in the studio. Well, we'll get you a nice one for the for the new year Thank you, and there was a shot. I don't want to give too much away But I was sunbathing fully nude and it was a hot L.A. Day and my cock I was like I might burn this bad boy like it was sizzling And it's and you know what? I think that's part of the reason we have four skins

Because the protect ahead because Mike no four skin no four skin my head is And you know what? I think that's part of the reason we have four skins because, protect the head, because no four skin, no four skin, my head is chapped right now. Wait, you have four skin or no? Yeah, you do. If I don't have one, I'm fucked big time with my dick in the sun.

Right, you can't pull back. You can't pull back. You can't pull back. So another plus for the uncut community. Big, you know, listen. Your dick would probably, fry. Oh my God. Sizzling know, listen. Your dick would probably. Fry. Oh my God.

Sizzling. Like bacon. Like a bratwurst. Like, yeah. Worse just so charred on the outside, the inside is just, the meat's not even juicy anymore. No, no squirt. No.

You don't get a single squirt when you bite into that. Oh, it's just a little bit of a snap. Yeah. You could, yeah, naked in the sun. Like, have you had like a really bad sunburn, which the worst sunburned in the world? Please. Multiple times. Yeah. Yeah. You could, yeah, naked in the sun. Like, have you had like a really bad sunburn, which the worst sunburned ever had? Please. Multiple times.

Yeah. I probably, I'm gonna get one this afternoon, or leave. I had one in Hawaii when I, like in high school. Mm. And it was so bad I didn't leave the hotel for a whole day, because I went out being like, what if I get,

like I have Sicilian blood, I'm half Irish. That's so funny to say that. I can use a little bit of Sicilian blood to be like my, first of all, your Italian blood. I've never seen DNA more overpowered in my life. I know. There is no world. If your name's not Santino, do you understand?

It's insane. Like, Miguel Acudio, Manus, you look so hilariously Irish. I know, it's fucked up. This is the, I'm the like. It's fucked up. I'm the poster child for Ireland, but there's something in your face where you can tell there's something else there, but even that, it's overpowering your brain.

Because the head red is so red. If you're so red, freckling, you know what I mean? Look at the arms, freckling. But I'll get a little bit of color. I avoid it now because I don't want fucking more skin care. Oh, you'll get so much skin I don't want it. I'm like I'm out. I just I can't like it. I don't even want to deal with my mom You still is your mama redhead. No no no no red and your dad is the Sicilian is he was the one in jail. He gets dark prison prison prison prison. Okay, where's prison? Yeah, jail Everyone's gone to jail. I, prison, jail, fuck me.

And everyone's gone to jail. I've gone to jail. Now prison, dude, the good one. Nice, the real bars. Does he have any red head in him and his family? No, no, just the Irish dominated. So it was the Irish, so yeah. So for you to think that your Sicilian blood

would just kick in when the sun comes out, like your Superman, you need his just sunlight the fucking to activate being it's a Sillian activate. Yeah. Oh, what the hell are you doing over here? Get these fucking minorities out of my neighborhood. Back off. This is said that we live here.

No, I've got son over. Oh no, it's overcast. It's overcast. And then you're like, oh, I'm so sorry to say that to you fellas move wherever you want cloud goes away Oh You still doing it Don't you know what you're in hours pal overcast no problem all your stuff immediately. I'll help you move in if you'd like No problem. Move your stuff in immediately. I'll help you move in if you'd like.

Do do do do do. Would you like some music while you move in? That's why I didn't understand why I was never cast in the Irishman. I thought that's a movie for me. For me in the Irishman. Absolutely. An Italian Irish kid. That was like built for me.

That's me. But again, you don't read. You read just Irish. I know. I read just Irish, which by the way, still waiting for a call from any sort of director in the in the cinema space about Ireland the banshees of Ineshear and love them up throw me in there throw my Irish looking at see there's something a merit again you don't know I feel a merit yeah there's a sadness to the irons main word there yeah down the island a lot of down straddle over there. I think I've seen any, in my head, I'm not picturing too many downs in Jim.

Irish people. It's an island, buddy. They just plunk right off the side. Yeah. Kista Blarnie's tone on the way down. Once you've kissed the stone, you'll float away forever. Freedom for the Lord! Do it a terrible. I know about to be an African. I've never seen a meter actually. That's kind of fucked up. But I do have a, I could tell that I'd be, they wouldn't buy me as an Irish kid.

Oddly enough, I've said this before, but whenever I go to Ireland, they think I might be British. Because there's more people in Scotland and Ireland that have read here than in Ireland for sure. Scottlin, maybe Scottlin's in. Yeah, I look like one of those guys. I don't fucking know. But I don't fuck with the Scots, man.

They're fun. They're cool, but like also, don't think I'm Irish for. Okay, okay, I respect. Something about the Ireland, man. That island is so cool and tough and tough. Well, yeah, they told England is like their dick's forever, I love that shit. No, I do fuck with island for sure.

But you say you have a little bit of that Irish pride. Your mom raised you pretty much the whole trip. Yeah, she did. Yeah, she did. And then my family's, the Irish family's huge. I mean, my mom's one of 10 kids. So like the network of those people that I was gathered with and their community was so rich, that's all I saw.

You know what I mean? Like that's my grandfather's a firefighter, like be more fucking on the nose. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And cops. American Irish, yeah. And cops in the family, and they all lived in the same working class,

you know, neighborhood. Yeah. Nobody had money. Yeah, nobody had money. It was like, you know, the joke was, if the kids with all the uncles and aunts, like if you didn't get there on time and you didn't need fast, you didn't need.

So my mom, and I adopt this from her, dude, I eat like a vacuum system. It's embarrassing. Yeah. People go out with us and they can't, like my mom is the same, she's like, whoo. Because if you didn't need someone's gonna

fucking take your shit. No, that is a classic like poverty. My little brother, my middle brother gets fucked because me and my, that was, we were just fucking glutton's. So my family for the same reason, it was like my brother could never have leftovers. He never, when we got cereal from Costco, when we got the good shit, gone in like three days.

See, you know what I mean? It's like, oh my, it was a race to who could get the good shit. Because when you, it wasn't coming back for another like month. Like once the fruity, fruity pebbles are gone, it's gonna take another whole paycheck cycle. Yeah, before two paychecks, before you get, we go to Costco and you get a fucking family so I just think of pebbles.

No, it's fucking. You gotta knock it out. You gotta knock it out while it's there. Absolutely. So you were, and you have, you don't have any like siblings that you do, you go half, all halves. All halves, but you have, you don't have any like siblings. Yeah, I have, you do. Well, I have all halves.

All halves, but you didn't want to run. I'm the one. I grew up with my half sister. Gotcha, got you. Who's my, my mom and my stepdad's kid. Oh, okay. Who's, it's so fun. She's a baby sister to me, but she's 32, you know.

Or 31. Yeah, my brothers are 32, and they're two years younger to me. And I'm like, those are my little brothers. Yeah, my, nine years, almost eight years, and so change. So the gap is massive. Gaps big. And I'm like, those are my little brothers. Yeah, mine are nine years, almost eight years and so change. So the gap is massive. Met gaps big. Cause I'm almost fun 40 this year. Ooh, the big 40.

I know. What are we doing? Where are we going? Do you want to know? Yeah. Going to Cabo? Yeah. I made this deal with the cartel.

I'm going to go down there and push. I'm taking a little trip to an island far, far away. Ooh. Yeah, taking a little island trip an island far far away. Ooh. Yeah, taking a little island trip. You're gonna go to where they haven't met civilization yet, but your little pigmies and loin quads run around. You gotta learn their clicks before you land. Yeah.

They have arrows drawn. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You gotta know their clicks before. Yeah, I'm gonna do a little island trip. Because I've been talking about getting away. Look, I was supposed to come to New York a while ago and stay for a while. Yeah.

Things got chaotic with the tour got even thicker than I ever dreamed. Which is great. So I was like, I gotta leave. And then I gotta go back at the end of the year. So it'll happen. It's just everything's been so like, I don't know, man. It's so funny.

You think you can predict your career and you think you can line it up. You can you can like, you can line it up, you can't. No, you can't. You absolutely never know. No, there's nothing, there's really nothing you can do except for you take the waves. Well, you're doing a smart is say yes to this chunk and then be like, I know to know.

Well, it's only because I, it's only because I said I was gonna do that three times and every time I said, I said yes to less and less and less, to where this time I'm like, like last summer it was like I'm gonna take six weeks off or two months off and it became 10 days. And then the last time I was like I'm gonna take a whole month, you know, I'm gonna take two months off in the between and it became two weeks. And do you feel like you'd be bored anyway?

No, no, no, no, I love doing nothing. And it's not even doing nothing, it's like I would be working out. Like here's the dream. Work out, right? Like workout, cook and not like shop every day for like fresh ingredients, make healthy shit until your brain is reprogrammed to just be happy

with healthy stuff. No, I did that during the pandemic. Like the happiest I was was the pandemic when I just worked out, there was no stand-up. You couldn't do stand-up. And I would just like, you know, go on a date once a week, you know, have a nice young lady over, watch a movie, have a nice time. I would work out every day. I would write, you know, so it's like the dream is work out, cook my own nice meals. You know, watch a movie. I've gotten really into movies, I want to make movies

now, I'm trying to write stuff. And just like, and also I do miss, I would start to miss stand-up, but I miss doing stand-up the way when you're coming up where it's like, go do some spots, see your friends, like, the road is lonely. So there's ways where I promise you I would not get bored. I'd prom, I dream about how not bored I would be and how much I would love it. But anyway, that's neither here nor there. We don't have to talk about it. Let's talk, I wanna talk a fuck,

we gotta do some calls. You gotta come back. We didn't even get into, this just us riffing and I had all these questions I wanted to ask you about your fucked up family, what a piece of shit you are. You know, it's just like, I watched the special and like took notes on, because you know what's special? The jokes are good, but as a comedian,

you're like, or anyone, sorry, I don't mean to do the thing where it's like, as wise sage comedians, we are. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I hate when people say civilian, one of the worst things in the world. Anyway, when you watch a special, there's a lot of setup to jokes,

but it's like, you also see the things that weren't addressed in the set up where it's like, oh, I'd love to delve into this. Like if you're a joke about your dad, where you talk about the wisdom he imparted on you, but you also talk about how he tried over and over again to find the woman and never worked, and I was like, well, that's meaty.

Let's get in there. You know what I mean? Or like, I love watching a special, and then like, because this happens to me where I start a joke and I want to talk about something, but it's not immediately funny the way a different angle is. So you take the funny angle because it's stand up, you got to be laughs per minute. You got to get there.

Yeah. And I know that for me, there's so much shit that I would love to talk about that I never get it. So anyway, you got to come to New York, we got to do this in the studio. We will. This will be 100% right him. But why don't we help? Let's take a call. Let's take, you know, 904 800 staff, I believe,

is the number we don't know, because I think I finally memorized the call-in folks, we'll solve your problems. We gotta go cans. Usually we like, we gotta go cans to hear our friends here. So I like this. Andrew does have some wisdom.

He has some of that weird Italian Irish. And by the way, one thing I want to clear up before we go into the calls is we did a riff earlier where we pretended that the Irish were not as racist as the Italians with the whole son, you know, and I just wanted for the record to say they would, he would still be racist as an Irishman. I would argue they'd be more racist. They would. I would be more racist.

Yeah. I would think the Irish guy, but that was the big. That was the biggest reverse. He's the worst at the sake of the shot. Let's be honest, there's no way, Andrews Irish cop Chicago uncles. I have a big family and they're spread around multiple countries. So a few years ago, it was my brother's wedding and most of them decided to come. Great news, but a big problem. Where do you put eight people all with different requirements and keep them all together?

We looked at some hotels, but then it was obvious, get an Airbnb. My mom and I were able to find the perfect place. It was a big house with multiple rooms and in a part of the city with woods and walking trails all around. The Airbnb also included a huge kitchen where we all got together the day after the wedding for a big family meal. This is a cherished memory for my family and me. And whenever I drive by that location, it always makes me smile. Not long ago, my mum and I stopped by that area to walk around and remember one of the most special times for my family, whether you're traveling with friends or with family for a big wedding or justification get an

Airbnb. We're not racist. We're. They just hired it better now. Price guaranteed. Let's do some call. Let's let's do some calls folks. Play us hit us with one big Aaron.

Yeah. Paul's folks, play us, hit us with one big Aaron. Yeah. Hey, Stavvy, big fan. So basically, I've been seeing as one barber for like two plus years, I see her consistently, like every single month, every haircut. I know her very well, like she knows my dating life, I know about her kids and every day.

We're pretty close. So anyway, one day she was out and I got my hair cut by another barber in the same shop and it was a lot better than her. Like it was the best haircut I've ever got. And so I went back to her like a month later, she was like very audibly jealous. She was like, oh, your beard is like shorter now, we We've expected I was like, yeah, you know, you're out And she's like, oh, you didn't like just wait for the next day. Wow And so I don't know like I can't like go to the new barber

The guy I can't go to him because she still sports in the same shop so it's kind of like dating I just feel like I'm like dating somebody's like best friend. Like I don't know, like what do I do? Am I overthinking it? So I just like go to the better barber or should I stick with like my usual barber or I don't know. What do you think? I think I actually have a solution here.

Yeah. I think you have to try and fuck your barber. The guy? The girl. I think you should fuck the guy. He's the guy. Well, okay. Then the girl. The girl. I think you should fuck the guy. You think you should fuck the guy? Well, okay.

Then the girl has no right to be jealous anymore. Because we're lovers. Right, they're lovers. Right. So what you do is you fuck the guy barber, knock that out. Then what the fuck is she gonna say? Is she, is she? What you would probably ask for proof

so you gotta photograph yourself, suck it, cop. Well, I say videotape it. I think videotape the whole thing, set up a camera, set up an iPhone. Mm-hmm. Look, if you don't want to fuck them suck it. I say videotape it. I think videotape the whole thing, set up a camera, set up an iPhone. Look, if you don't wanna fuck them, at least blow them. Yep. You know, he gave you the best haircut of your fucking life.

He deserved something. At least suck this guy for a couple seconds. Accidentally text her and be like, whoa, whoops. Whoops, he did. Didn't mean to send that to you. My, the reason I think he should fuck, try and fuck the girl is because he's, they have a relationship, right?

And I think if he oversteps that boundary, right? You can be like, you know, I just, we've known each other for two years. I'm in love with you. And we have to, let me, you know, go in for a kiss or whatever. And she'll say no probably, she has kids, they probably don't have a sexual relationship.

But either way, once it's like, you know, people talk about ruining a friendship. Yeah. When you try something like that, you could now ruin your barber relationship. Yeah, but how do you go back to the place where the guy still is? You gotta make him make...

Oh, you're right. You gotta look, do you're right, they were in the same shop. You gotta make this guy do home calls. That's it, you pay him a couple bucks extra to come to your house. You tell the Oh, you're right. No, you're right, they were in the same show. You gotta make this guy do home calls. That's it. You pay him a couple bucks extra to come to your house. You tell the girl, you're moving, you're leaving town. Tell her you're dead, you're dead.

Just email her and go, hey, I'm dead. They're gonna kill myself. This week I'm killing myself. Just have the guy come to your fucking house. It would be cool to just prethreaten to kill yourself if she gets mad at you for switching bars. If you don't let me let, if you don't let this man cut my hair,

I'm gonna kill myself. I'm gonna kill myself. I'm gonna kill myself. I'm gonna kill myself. I'm gonna kill myself. I'm gonna kill myself. I mean, this is really tough. And okay, here's another thing you could possibly try.

You just might just have to change barbershops altogether. Dude, this is tough. Honestly, there's also like my barber. I just texted him this morning and he asked me to come to Malibu because he sometimes does it in Malibu on the weekends because they rent like a sexy beer. Yeah, yeah. No fucking way.

I'm not driving. Get the fuck out of here. That's crazy. That's like me asking you is like, can you go out to the Hamptons for a haircut? Yeah. Get fucked. Right, right, right.

But he also did this thing where I got my haircut, like, or cleaned up when I was in Toronto. And this is how much of a weirder these people are. He fucking texted me after seeing my Instagram story of me and Bobby, like backstage, and was like, just get your haircut in Toronto. Do they know? They're all like this. They're all like, they're so, what is that?

Like they want ownership over you? Like they want you just to be their client. But you're like, dude, when I'm back in town, you'll cut my hair. Show the fuck out. Exactly, I'm gone. What do you want from me? I'm just getting some side haircuts.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a marriage. It should be like a marriage in the 50s, where you fuck your barber when it's convenient. Right, get a mistress whenever you want. I'm on the wrong side. It's not about you. You know what, actually, I started this as a joke,

but I actually think it works as an allergy. Okay. Because in the 50s, it was not a two-way relationship. It was about what the man needed and wanted. Treat your barber like a housewife from the 50s. You need to step out and see another barber. That's not in her fucking business. You know what I mean? And if she doesn't like it, she can go, what you're going to divorce you? She doesn't have that legal right? She can't open a bank account in her own name. The barber can't control everything. The barber controls nothing. Nothing.

It is a service and you just found out you have nothing to lose because the haircut's not even that good. That's right. You found a better haircut. That was one guy. What are the odds? There's not a bunch of other guys that cut hair better than her. Do you know what I mean?

So treat it like if she, if she has a problem, be like, I don't fucking, now that's easier said than done because some people can't deal with the guilt. But there's other, I can tell this guy is not autistic because for this guy he'd be like, oh, better haircut, I will switch partners now. You know, it wouldn't even be a... That's where autism wins.

It's a huge win. It's so literal. It's being alpha. It is a type of alpha for sure. It's the most alpha. I like this more. An autistic person will be like, I'm not comfortable talking to you right now.

And walk away. That's the most alpha shit. You just fucking sign up. I know. And so I guess fuck me. Yeah. And then just like do a Rubik's cube. I know they'd solve it while they're looking at you.

I don't really enjoy talking to you. And then walk away. Yeah, this is tough too because now I am, I am one of these guys that had hair, didn't have hair now on back, but I don't get traditional haircuts, I just get my ends snipped a little bit because I'm trying to get bald, puffed, bald, pony.

So I don't have the like traditional barber relationship that many have, but I am looking for it because we're getting to that stage where I think I need a professional involved to really get my curls popping. Yeah, well, you look the back is getting real long. Thank you. It's looking fly.

To this guy, this poor gentleman, I just think you got to do the right thing here and just hire this guy and have him come to your house. Yeah, if he's open to that, cause you gotta tell the girl, the woman that's been cutting your hair, the performance, look, you gotta do a performance review. Ooh, Barbara should have performance reviews. That's true, you know what? She's the one who's fucking up here.

Yeah, it's not his fault. Oh, my son, God, say, I take to the ER, and now I miss the day, and now you have a better haircut. Whose fault is that, baby? Yeah, you're stupid fucking son. Or whatever reason she missed. I'll fuck that kid. Tell that kid to not be such a hypocontry.

She's the bad bar. I mean, she does this inferior thing and it is a service and you're a good guy for caring my friends, but what are you gonna do? You gotta move on. You gotta go with the other barber. Come on, the one you like the most. And I would personally just take this,

I think the, yes, the alpha move is just cheat on her with her best friend. And look, sometimes, those couples are some of the happiest people of all time. They blow up their whole lives. That's how good the pussy is that you're like, my whole life is ruined as I knew it, but I'm happy.

And they have a family, and they make new friends, and they start over, you might have to do this with this barber. I think that's what's gonna happen. You might have to do this, you don't have a that's what's gonna this guy's gonna have to do. You don't have a choice, but. Now if he doesn't do home calls, I think you gotta look for a new barber completely.

I say move out of the town that you're in. You gotta shift cities. Yeah, yeah. Wherever you are dude, move. That's actually the cowards way out. Yeah, it is like, no, I had to move you, cause you don't wanna hurt your barber's feelings. That's how much of a pussy you are. I had to move you. Because you don't want to hurt your barber's feelings. That's how much of a pussy you are.

I had to pack up and leave. I would also slowly phase her out. Be like, oh, I have to work. Be like, oh, I'm working more. Yeah. I'm traveling for work. So I'm only coming in once a month. Right.

Now I'm coming in every six weeks. And then just slowly let her down. At some point, she'll forget that you weren't on the client list. Yeah. There's no way you were that much of point, she'll forget that you weren't on the client list. Yeah. There's no way you were that much of a, unless you were personal friends first. And then it's dangerous territory. Yeah.

Then you're totally fucked. You shouldn't put yourself in that position in the first place. Yeah. That is like sleeping with a friend. Yeah. You fucked it up. You fucked it up. That's gonna be it forever.

But good luck, my friend, and we're rooting for you. A big time. I think you could, I think you can just find a better barber in any, definitely don't let feeling bad for someone that you don't really know that much. Have you get inferior haircuts the rest of your life? Can't be a people pleaser for the rest of your life. It's a haircut. This is the first day of the rest of your life, my friend.

Now you're gonna take it, now you're gonna be assertive for everywhere from that one. Not a way I love that, that was the first phone call. And I imagine that's what your fan base was like, Stav, I get to my haircut from this girl. I knew it was gonna be some fucking foreign guy from Queens. You know, I do like that it was a rare, non-sexual one.

Yeah. Almost all of these are about. In fact, play the next one, Aaron. I don't know these eldest pre-screens them. I don't screen them. I'm going to guess fucking comes up in some way. Wait, so I'm gonna try to ask this question without incriminating myself the best that I can here we go long story short I work for a small company doctors

office position going whatever anyways today at work I was kind of slacken off a little bit looking up some paint your own pottery places I'm gonna go click on the link for a local paint ear own pottery joint and it took me to a teenage porn site. I did the best that I could to exit out of that bitch as fast as I could in the clear mind browsing history. So yeah, my question here is do I incriminate myself and a towel and admit that I fucked up and clicked on a link that

sent me to a point that or do i wait and see if the hammer falls and uh... potentially get uh... in trouble for sexual harassment i i gotta tell you something first of all she's lying you'll pay a pottery

i've been clicking on websites for 20 years. It's never... I've never stumbled on a teenage porn website. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's never happened. I like that it's teenage porn specifically. That's what I know, it's bullshit. What do you mean, what pot?

And what do you mean, that's not how porn is consumed in. No, no. It's all these tube sites or... Can you guess it could be somebody's only fans perhaps? Yeah, but no one did. There is no pop up on a pottery right website as Google ad services right teenage porn I don't know perhaps that this is okay. This is real advice. Okay. By the way We believe you and sorry that happened to you, but here's I don't fool. I don't know what you're talking about I think something's missing here's what I think. Yeah. This is why I think this is her own alibi.

Someone else was using that computer before you and they had gone to an illegal site and you know, an auto-filled and an auto-filled for you to an illegal site. So find someone in the office that you don't like and blame it on him. Well, that's the other thing I was gonna say here is like, let's just take you at face value

and something I stress with our caller, she says she doesn't want to incriminate herself, I'm your lawyer, you have to tell me everything. Yeah, you don't have a choice. You have to tell me everything. I can't tell you the reality of the situation if you're leaving shit out for me. You know what I mean?

I hate that. I don't want, I've said it before, I don't want any surprises in the courtroom when I get there. I don't want to bomb Shell testimony from your mistress about where you were that night actually. So something feels like it's missing here. Yeah, something's a little off. But ask yourself this. Are you the most likely person to look at pornography in that office? If not, definitely Lalo. Her voice told me she is. You think she's looking for what she's looked at porn before in the office though?

Okay, I don't think it's as rare as you think of this. She's sitting at a desk, she sounds like she's working at the, she's an office manager, or she's sitting at a computer all day. Mm-hmm. And I bet she's clacked a few times. But not on this style of porn. Not on this, I just mean, that's my point though.

I think she's looked at other porn, it's put cookies on the web browser. She's definitely using Safari, you know what I mean? She's on Safari. Right. She's on a Mac. Well, I would say this, is there anybody to track it to you? Are you logged onto your Google or something like that? Or is this the overall company?

And you also, what's more sketch? She said she cleared the browsing history and all that stuff. Red flag, red flag. Red flag. A hasty cover up. Yeah, when the boss is like, what do you even, what do you even search in?

Yeah. How come there's no history? Well, the other thing I will say though is that she is probably overestimating is that most bosses don't give a fuck about anything. They're not, unless you have some kind of micro managing ass boss, which you'd know already, probably be, if you, if she had the kind of boss

that might catch her, then she wouldn't be looking at pottery anyway. Correct, yeah, correct. Most bosses don't give a fuck, they wanna, ring you out for all your worth. They don't give a fuck about you as a person. And as long as the work got done, you're not a teenage boy who has parental controls on.

You're a fucking, they probably aren't even gonna notice. So personally, as someone who has beaten off in his workplace before, although to my mind, thinking about a lady who worked there, not really in the bathroom. In the bathroom? In the bathroom, I've beaten off in the bathroom with multiple workplaces.

I've done that too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think. On my lunch break. Yeah, no, I'm on company. Oh, you're on the clock. On the clock, I shit and I beat off when I used to. I was a bad, I used to shit and then beat off. Great. It's like a nice little pick me up

in the middle of an all work day. Now do you like, this is gross, but do you do that? Do you flush? Oh, flush big time, I'm not, I don't need the smell there. Let it sit. Let it sit, next time let it sit. I don't wanna let sit. No, no, no, no.

I'm actually much more vigilant about my shits. I'm much cleaner when vigilant about my shits. I'm much cleaner when I'm gonna beat off. Correct, yeah. You know, I do the courtesy flush immediately because I'm courteous to myself beating off in 35 seconds, you know? 35 seconds? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no I can't more about my jacking off at work experience than I do. My co-workers not smelling my shit.

Yeah, correct. You know what I mean? No, no, no, I'm not. I'm much more likely to let it linger if I'm not going to beat off. Correct. That's what I was kind of what I said. Let it know you're there a little bit. Right, right, mark my territory.

So I have multiple times and multiple jobs taken a little, or just just beaten off. I've also done that. But I think it's probably stemmed from taking a shit, milking it because you don't want to be out there. And then you're looking at your penis. And you're like, what are you doing? Yeah, I could kind of see fat Debbie's nipples at the front desk today.

What if I sucked on them? Oh man. And then you start, you let your, you know what I mean? You gotta let reality go. You let that one phrase, she says to you, like a week and a half ago, just sing right into your mind. Yeah, oh yeah. You look good today, mind. Yeah. Oh, yeah, you look you look good today

Stop yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh, you got you got some son over the weekend something like that I did you're glowing a little bit. Yeah, yeah, you just remember the one time she like reached at the reach to put a file up on the Toppy kind of see your belly and you're like Better than I thought I would that's it's out there, but no stretch marks She's clean. I mean, yeah, probably she's's out there, but no stretch marks. She's clean, what I mean. She's probably, she's a mom now, but she had to get those kids somehow, somehow. Her husband probably doesn't fuck her good anymore.

I'm having all these thoughts. So anyway, so tell Pottery Woman what you should do. Sorry, I was literally, now I'm thinking about the woman I used to jack off to when I worked. I won't say where, but it's tell pottery woman what you should do. Sorry, I was literally, now I'm thinking about the woman I used to jack off to when I worked. I won't say where, but it's an interesting choice, honestly, this woman. It wasn't, not your traditional hot woman, but I could just tell.

She had a vibe, she had, she was good enough a great vibe. Anyway, as someone who's not only looked at porn, but beating off in his workplace, all this stuff, you'll lay low and you'll deny and you don't, you just don't. It didn't happen. It's so easy to most workplace you can skate through on everything.

She's doesn't even, in fact, this might send her down a dangerous path where she's like, well, I got away with looking at porn. What else can I get away with? Right. You're good. My question is, how long did you stay on those sites? Yeah.

How long, how many mouse rolls, you know what I mean? How many scroll downs did it take until she was like, oh no, and got off. I think probably pretty quick, I think. You seem to think she's whorenier than I think she is. Not whorenier, I just think she, it just seems like a weird accident. Right.

There is definitely a missing piece. There is no way you were looking at pottery and you went to a barely legal teen site. She also said teen. Yeah, which is like, yeah, to my opinion, I thought she meant like an illegal black market like a dark website. Yeah, sex trafficking. That's what I thought she was saying.

That's crazy. Pottery is code for like teens or something now or whatever. Like pizza was kids or whatever. Right, so maybe that's what she stumbled upon. Could be. And that's definitely someone who's sex trafficking out of the office. It's the Clintons.

Yeah, you know, it's the Clintons. It was John Podesta, one of your clients, we see him there getting his elbow looking at that. Also, by the way, you're safe, you're in a doctor's office. The creepiest people I know are doctors. Doctors might be the creepiest. You want to talk about a fucking thing I used to beat off to was like the nurse coming in

and sucking my dick when I was like 13. Oh come on. It was one of the classics of like, and then I started, it started with the actual nurse and I was like, why am I thinking of the actual lady? And I was just like, oh, maybe just the hot nurse comes in and sucks my dick. Right. Why can't it be a hot nurse? Oh man.

But in your mind, you just regular old nurse that you've seen a thousand times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, so that was a nice little, but anyway, you're fine. But in your mind she's just regular old nurse that you've seen a thousand guys Anyway, so that was a nice little but anyway, you're fine It's not a big deal. I you definitely don't address. Don't say shit. You didn't do nothing. What is this? Yeah, life is not like a Disney movie. Yeah, you don't Own up and everyone's like well, I'm disappointed, but I'm happy you told me not true. That's not how I fire you Deceit is so crucial in many places. Yeah, and you owe the people you love Well, I'm disappointed, but I'm happy you told me. Not true. That's not how I'm- That's how I'm- That's how I'm- That's how I'm- That's how I'm-

That's how I'm- That's how I'm- That's how I'm- That's how I'm- That's how I'm- That's how I'm- That's how I'm- That's how I'm- That's how I'm- That's how I'm- That's how I'm-

That's how I'm- That's how I'm- That's how I'm- That's how I'm- That's how I'm- That's how I'm- That's how I'm- That's how I'm-

That's how I'm- That's how I'm- That's how I'm- That's how I'm- That's how I'm-'t do a good job. That's literally my advice if you work in a job. I like job. Yeah. And steal, if you can steal. So basically, you called in to make sure you don't get in trouble. I'm telling you, this is like, this is like Keanu at the beginning of the Matrix where he's talking to the computer. You know, and he's like, whoa, Trinity, you know, he's like, this is, now I'm offering you the pills now. Where it's like, you called, you met, you met up, you came to the nightclub

and now I'm more fierce and I'm like, here's the fucking pill, red take the red pill and beat off at work and don't do any work and steal from it and don't get in trouble ever or fucking take the blue pill and snitch on yourself and then maybe get your pay doctor, get suspended like a fucking pussy in the real matrix. Come down with me and the hot black eyes on the fucking the Nebuchadnezzar and then start beating off it working stealing from your employer. That's what I'm telling you. Next question

please Aaron. Great advice. Great advice. Thank you. Thank you, my friend. All right, this one will be about sex. Yeah, yeah, that one was tangentially about sex. Hey, Tavi, much love for me after New York. I was giving you a quick call because I need some advice. I'm seeing this girl that for about five months, I'd say she's like my common law girlfriend, but we're not exclusive. Hmm. I've been, you know, getting some sideposts, but I kind of really need to focus on my career.

And what is your career? It feel like it would be better for me if I did end up in a relationship just settle down a little bit. We're both 24. So young. This girl is great. She's by, um, like three thumbs. Pretty lit. Oh my god. But at the same time, I also don't kind of want to tie down. I my own commitment in use. So I don't know. I like to hear your advice

Yeah, I got a I got a focus. I'm managing a pizza restaurant in Yonkers, New York And then I got it my career's got to go you take this Jimmy. John's gonna run itself What is your fucking career? First of all, shut the fuck up about your career. But you are in an interesting crossroads where you're 24. And I would say fully, this girl's by, she said she likes three sums. You don't sound hot, you don't sound that charming.

Just over the phone, you sound like a dumbass. So this is a valuable lesson for you because this is very possibly the relationship that you're about to fuck up in your early 20s where you thought it can only get better than this, right? You're 24, you think your life is gonna be a nice incline. Fuck off. This is very likely the best it will ever get for you.

Yes. Like that is probably what you're up against here. to be a nice incline. This is very likely the best it will ever get for you. Yes. That is probably what you're up against here. You're most likely going to crash and burn the next couple of years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So take advantage of what's going on right now. So lock this in, take this as an out, and in fact, here's how if you try to continue to just fuck around and don't use this as an opportunity to kind of confront some of your

commitment issues that you say you have, that is the way that you guarantee you peak now. But if you actually find somebody like, work through some of these issues, maybe you end up together, maybe you don't, but you've grown as a person, then when, let's say, you guys break up in two years, three years. You have grown as a person, you've matured emotionally, you've confronted some of your demons, and now maybe you actually can fuck more in hotter women when you're 27 and more mature, and you've, you know, the career is going good, they've bumped you up to, you get to manage during the daylight hours instead of the overnight, the graveyard shift, at Dominic's pizza and chicken, or whatever the fuck career you have.

I mean, his voice sounds so stupid, and I don't wanna, you know, I mean, maybe this guy's a nuclear physicist, I don't know, but I got a hunch he's not. Some tells me you don't have a lot of nuclear physicist family. He'd be surprised. He's the pod. You'd be surprised. You got be surprised. You'd be surprised.

You've got a couple. The inner dumbass. Everyone's a dumbass inside. But so yes, my friend, that's kind of what I'm thinking. I'm like, because also, I'm speaking from personal experience here, I did, and I'm shitting on you, but I am the same moron that you are. I was saying that about my career, which at the time,

was being an open mic stand-up comment. So I'm stupid than you don't get me wrong. But I did the exact same thing with, I was dating somebody really great who for the first time, I was like, wow, this feels like a good relate. I want, this is what I want out of a relationship. She's very kind, she's caring all this stuff. Maybe it wouldn't have worked out, but we had a really fucked up weird relationship because I couldn't commit and I was like, no, I have to like focus on comedy.

And then the fallout from that wrecked me. When I realized she was by, she probably would have had reasons. We never even got to that stage because I was like, sorry, babe, I gotta go bomb for three years in New York. There ain't nothing for me here in Baltimore, Morgan bitch. And that, the fallout from that relationship, and not confronting my feelings, not realizing how much I liked her, ruined me for years after that.

Yeah, but it was good for you. That's what's weird about this. Well, but irony is that it actually was helpful. It was, I actually don't think that was helpful. Really? I handled it was not helpful. All right. Because we broke, she was like, okay,

well, if you're not gonna do this, I have to move on. And then when she left, I was like, wait, I just realized how much I actually like you. And she's like, fuck off. I'm in another, you know, fuck you. No, you had your chance. And I was like, but I'm sad now. And I kept trying to get her back.

And it was sloppy. And it was just, I was depressed. There's a whole lot of shit going on. But if I had tried to be in that relationship, given it a shot, I think it would have, I would have matured emotionally faster, whereas it took me until I was like 28 to really give a relationship a try.

And I think I'm paying for it now because I cared about my career. And the other thing is if your career goes good, you will wake up, you'll be 34 one day, you'll be like, oh, my career is good, but my life is empty and meaningless otherwise. Yeah, I'm rich and I get, just hypothetically speaking, you might wake up one day, be like, wow, I'm rich, I'm somehow selling out theaters,

but I miss my loved ones and I don't have real romantic love even though I get the fuck hot women a lot. Or, you know, someone that is. I think that. The other side of it is, you're super satisfied in every other way, but still somehow eternally sad. Yeah, that's a good one.

Maybe, yeah, you find that, and then you're like, wait, this didn't help either. Should I kill myself? Let me say something. Maybe you'll take your fuck take the bag from touring, try to get healthier and emotionally

and physically in 2024, achieve all those things too, and then realize even that doesn't bring happiness. And then you try and find the rope that'll hold the 300 pound man. Theoretically made me 250. You're probably saying to the Home Depot guy guy do you have a 250 pound rope? He's like congratulations as he handed the news Thank you. Yeah, yeah, it's like the Jared big pants, but it's like look how big my news used to be My neck is an outfit. This is how big the news I needed to hang myself with was I used to be a fat worthless piece of shit

Now I can hang myself with a 250 pound pieces now i can hang myself at the two hundred fifty pound waited wrote these people break ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Hey, Stavid, love the pod. I got a question for you. Once a small college in Wisconsin and made a great group of friends along the way, I post college, we hang on groups here and there. There's a prospect in the group that I could see myself in a relationship with. There's some sexual attention there, so I wanted to try it out. But part of me doesn't want to do the possibility of losing them and maybe the friend groups of those south.

I love you, baby. I'm pumped to see you in Milwaukee this November. Oh hell yeah. Thank you, my friend. And by the way, by tickets to the last leg of the Fat Rascal tour this fall, we're going to do a whole new tour for the spring completely different, different like branding, different like tour theme, all that kind of stuff. When are you in Milwaukee?

Sometime in November? Ah, sometime in November. November or October. We're there at the end. Oh yeah. Red F sure Thanksgiving. I'll tell you when. So he's asking, basically, college friend group, did he say how old he was?

Is he like, no, that was the problem. I was trying to put that together, but my childhood best friend ended up marrying a girl from, very similar similar and also was in Milwaukee. This happened from they went to Marquette University together in Milwaukee, Wisconsin and Jimmy Butler, Dwayne Wade. Dwayne Wade, dude. And Jimmy Buckets.

Jay Crowder, lesson, impressive. Not like Jay Crowder, but you know, not Jay. Not as neither, not as much. Yeah. But he, we knew all knew each other and I hung out with some of his friend group from back then just because I was hanging with them. Sure. And one of the girls on the group, I don't think they ever even thought about it.

And then years later, when they met back up, they ended up hucking up in them. Now they have a family. Now they have a family. That's beautiful. Yeah. So I think the timing is very key here. Yeah. How old are you now? Right. That's the problem we don's beautiful. Yeah. So I think the timing is very key here. Yeah. How old are you now?

Right. That's the problem we don't know. Right. Because for a couple of reasons, A, you might not be ready for something serious, and you know, he might be depriving himself of what you just described, which is like someone from your old life, you meet up again and you, but you can't really bank on that as a plan. That was a sheer, like, happy accident. So you can't bank on that.

But the more important one is, if you're just out of college, I got news for you. Your friend group is gonna dissolve either way. They don't exist anymore. You're college friend group, you will keep two, three. I say three is a lot. Three is a lot, you'll keep, yeah, I'm trying to think in my, see my problem is like, I have the same core group

of best friends my entire life, but I picked up one that was absorbed into the best friend tier. And then I'm trying to think like, it's, yeah, it's one to three. I was sick. I've got more than I should, but it's only because I was touching a lot of bases because I went to school on the West Coast, so I still had friends from back home, but then also friends. So I have more than I thought, but most of the chunk gone. But there I'll probably bros.

The ones that are round are all bros or no? Like dudes? Yeah, oh dudes. Yeah, they're all dudes all homies. He's talking about like a mixed accrues. There's a girl, you know, he's not, unless he's gay, I didn't pick that up. Yeah, I think he said lady.

I think he said lady. I thought it was my other thing. When he said my friendship group, I think he said girl. That, well first of all, there's not a kid, because they all would have had sex already. I thought was my other thing. When he said my friendship group, I think he said girl. That, they, well, first of all, there's not a game, because they all would have had sex already. Yeah, on a regular basis. In college, they were gay, college, gay, guys, and college.

They're all sucking each other's cocks. So, they're straight. That was orientation. Yeah. I'm the resident advisor. Yeah, no, but you're all right. Upon as you give you a blowjob with teeth, instead of like throwing it, he's like,

this is for not respecting quiet hours. This is for smoking inside. So, the other problem. Yes. The other problem I have with this is, he didn't get any deep, we didn't get any good detail. Not only we don't know who all he is, did she hook up with anybody else in the crew?

Has she ever been in the crew? Because this has got to be a thing that's been discussed. When it's a crew of guys and girls, this happened with a group that we had that we were friends with in college. Yeah, people started hooking up. It was gonna happen. It's like, so if it happened sophomore year

or it happened a year out of college, this guy's leaving out an important detail. No, that's a good point. Because like, yes, there is a, it's kind of becomes musical chairs. Yeah. It's a certain point where it's like, you better get in there, somebody else is over there getting another boyfriend. So you're going to get a chair pulled out from our money.

You're going to get a chair. Yeah. It's musical chairs with your friends, Pussies and everyone's dick is hard and everyone's like, tada tada tada tada tada tada tada tada tada tada tada't know. I don't know. Oh, my dick's in the air, no pussy. So yes, will this fuck up the group dynamics because she used to date someone or hook up with someone, or someone else has a crush on them. But because you didn't give us the information,

let's just assume that's not the case. Right. I think it's worth at least trying because I don't think if you really feel like this is a serious Pro someone you really want to date seriously and give it a real go I think it's worth it because these college groups don't last right people move they get job transfers and you don't want to Risk the possibility of something really great, which is finding someone you might end up with or at least seriously date Whatever you don't want to like say goodbye to that because right now you guys end up with, or at least seriously date, whatever, you don't wanna say goodbye to that

because right now you guys meet up and go to a fuckin' happy hour three times a week, but in one year's time, you will see each other three times a year max, and then it'll be once every two year. You know what I mean? Like, yeah. But also, if she just politely rejects you, you just don't take it out on the group.

You don't be the reason the group gets destroyed. It sounds like to me they're both interested in it. He said there's sexual tension. So it's cute. She's not going to reject it. But we also don't know that. This is his point of view. Oh, this is sad guy point of view.

This is the only woman that's talked to him ever. This happens a lot with friend groups where it's like, or this happens a lot with girl friends, friends of girlfriends of friends, right? Yes. Well, you're just a loser and you're just like a woman is, you have an intimacy with your friend's girlfriend if she's a nice person who just treats you like a human being and a lot of losers to get no pussy start falling in love with their friend's girlfriend. And so this could be that a lighter version of that where it's like, it's not a friend's girlfriend, but it's just one of your friends who like, like set episode of Seinfeld where George and Elaine had never hung out solo.

Right. And they all had, I think it was the flea market episode where Jerry was going to come with them, but then he canceled. And then the only time George and Elaine hung out together, George fell in love with Elaine. Of course. I mean, like, yeah. Class itself. Perfect. Still holds up such a good show. I mean, like, clap, sign up. So it's perfect. Still holds up, such a good show. You watch it, you're like, I'm sure this feels dated. They always knock out of the part. It's unbelievable. Anyway, this could be that too.

So basically, prepare yourself for either thing. Yeah. What you have to worry about is the intergroup dynamics. Are you stepping on anybody else's toes? It's gonna be weird because she's of another friend's ex? You also have to worry about, um, or this is going good. And there's a best case scenario where it goes good. You guys, because your friends, you're a couple that's friends with the same people, you get to still see some of those people and the natural progression happens and some fall off, whatever. And then the third thing

is she rejects you. And then it's like, do you just take it good and you're like, oh, to or, you meet up in that bar where they are and happy are and you shoot up the whole friend group. Yeah, you're like, guys, I have a really big surprise for you guys. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la,

you fucking whore, you fucking whore. I wanted to share my life with you. I was gonna show you everything bitch. Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh. And then he stops at Danny, not you Danny. Not you Danny. You're okay. You Danny, not you Danny. Not you Danny. You're okay. You're a good guy Danny.

When you help me jump my car when it died off by 95, you're a good guy Danny. I won't do it to you buddy. Yeah, don't go only at Roger mode with it. Good luck though. Good luck. Yeah, give it a, give it a whirl. Destroy your friendship crew.

Yeah. They don't, it's fucking fine who gives a shit. Try it. The worst thing that could happen out of this whole thing is, you date, you's fucking fine, it gives a shit. Try it. Yeah. The worst thing that could happen out of this whole thing is you date, you like each other, your friends are stoked that you're together, you slowly start to have problems,

she tells the girl friends, you tell the guy friends, you break up again, and then that friendship group isn't won again. But also, big deal, it's gonna happen. It will happen one way or another. That's what I'm saying, it's gonna naturally happen. Yes. So, my soul speed it up.

Maybe you're the conduit. You're the catalyst that needs to happen. Yeah, that's how it happens. Put it on somebody. Let's let's keep the good times rolling Aaron. Come on baby. Hey, Stavvy. I'm getting into the podcast. I'm talking about it. Thanks brother. And I'm going through kind of a situation that I want your opinion on. I'm going to be 30 this year. My wife is 30. We got two kids together. We've been dating since we were 19. She's a... She's done having these feelings but she's not really sure. Uh-oh. Actually she's feeling that but she wants to start fucking girls. She's not sure if she's like just by or old-blown lesbian, but

it wants to say to her, she wants to try this out and she's been real open to non-stop me about it and I gotta say like there's nobody else I'm trying to fuck. I like fuck my wife I like her but I don't know I'm this might work out really good. If we want to you know she wants to start bringing out the people in, then I'm cool with that. If she wants to start doing kind of like fun crazy parties on the weekends, I'm up for that. No. But I don't know, this is kind of a weird situation. Fuck.

And I'd like to fat-rout the opinion on this. This guy being like, it could end up really good. It's like a guy who sees a billboard for a casino where they win the jackpot and it's like 10 million they want to go to the seizures and win a million dollars. It's like or you could go lose your life savings and want to kill yourself. You could lose it all right and what statistically happens more often than not is that it's a light and Vegas around still lit up. This is essentially, yeah, you're going to the sexual casino here. Yeah.

And yes, yes, make no mistake. Some people win. Yeah. And we say some, it's less than 1%. Yeah. Almost nobody fucking wins. So yes, it could end up great, but it probably won't. But if you're a man who just understands

basic mathematics, it probably won't. But also, can grants, if this is the fucking place that you think you and her that want to be, and honestly, we don't really know, this guy could also be like, he could also be like, I'm kinda down, and I'm also like, look, a lot of times, I've talked to friends who say, they never fuck their partners,

and it blows my mind. I'm like, how often do you guys have insects? And they're like, no, we actually like, everything is great, but we're fucking maybe once a month, and I'm like, you're totally good. And they're like, yeah, we love it. We have our little ones a month. I mean, I don't know, we don't ever know.

Sure. But maybe this guy gets the once a month thing he likes or whatever, and she's like, I'm a little bit more than you. His T is low. Sure. And he's like, not wanting to fuck anymore. He likes his job, he likes or whatever. And she's like, I'm a little bit more than you. His T is low. Sure. And he's like, not wanting to fuck anymore. He likes his job.

He likes his kids. She's also talking about wanting to fuck women, which is like, Well, it's a gateway drug. Yeah. Women is the weed of, she's like one clip and then she's just getting fucking slanned. Yeah, turns out I actually just want to fuck a bunch

of people that aren't. He's getting fucking spit roast This gives it one little like Like the inside drug commercial from the 90s never once But not even once by sexuality not even once now the other thing though is let's be let's also look at this Realistically, it sounds like you're going to the casino whether you like it or not. Yeah, you're going to the casino. It sounds like it.

And you know what? They're fun places. Yeah, she booked the tickets. She got to go. They're fun places. It's fun. And so I think you have the proper attitude. And I think here's a couple things that can happen.

Well, like you want my opinion on it. This sounds like she is saying how she feels and that she really wants to try this. And if you shut it down fully, you're probably looking at getting deforestation. That's the like implicit threat here. Totally. Right. And so I say either it goes good. And look, you could win. You're going to the casino the way you could win. Start download one of those apps where they tell you. Start practicing. Where they tell you how, whether to hit on 11 or not. Get the point, I mean, get the point.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Start practicing. Learn how to double down, learn to split. Learn to split. Learn to split. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like get it in your mind. Yeah, it feels like you should hit a 15.

It turns out mathematically you should stay. You should stay. You know, learn all those lessons because you're going to the casino, right? Yeah, do. So, so what I'm going to say to you is make the best of it. Support your partner here. Yeah.

The other thing is, you guys have been dating since you were 19. I actually had a friend who had a similar thing. Me too, yeah. Where he loved his wife, like, but they had been together and they were kids. And in their 30s, he was like, I just don't think I can do this forever. And it was, and they wanted to fuck other people.

And so some people can open it up and it does work great. That's the thing, it does. But some people, it gets fucked up. But either way, I think you should give it a whirl here, go into it with an open mind. And like I said, even when you lose everything, the casino's fun. Here's the deal. I'm right, you're right. We're going to Vegas in a casino's fun. Here's the deal. Enjoy the ride, you're right.

We're going to Vegas in a couple days. Yeah. Here's my perspective always. I bring the money I know I'm going to lose. If I win, I go, well, fuck it, look at that. In this case, it's your wife. In this case, sir, you might lose your wife. That being said.

But losing, you know what I mean? It's either that, it's either losing or at the casino. It's basically, you're either gonna fucking play the game or the game's gonna get you. Well here's the thing, so at least play the game. It's either you take the money to the casino and you bet it and you get free drinks. You eat at the buffet and you see fucking

sigfried and roi or a guy, a woman, a woman in a car heart jacket comes to your home and just takes the money from you. And you never get them fucking dirty because you know, so she just takes the briefcase and you never get them. She throws your life savings in a Yeti cooler and wheels it out there at 350, duly and spends it as a great time with it. So I say, go to the casino. Yeah. And you know what? You might win and you might come back in a nice, open-ish marriage

where, and you might discover something about yourself. Fuck yeah. Maybe this opens up in the middle of the world. Go down swinging is what I'm saying. 100%. Have a good time, have a couple of these parties. You seem to have a good, you know, he seems to be like happy about it.

Yeah, he does. I'm picking it up. So, but also, you know, that's the reality. Be open about it. Maybe start get, maybe do some that's the reality. Be open about it. Maybe start get, maybe do some preemptive therapy. This is gonna be tough on your psyche. Yeah. This is a big shift, either what, big lifestyle shift.

And so just enjoy it, my friend. And it might turn out good for you. It might turn out you might have a different, your life might look a lot different. But if you guys have a good relationship and she's being open with you, and you're gonna be in each other's lives either way because you have kids.

So just, yeah. Sounds like you're gonna get a W. On our, we're, a bet on black. Yeah. That on black, baby. But you're going to the casino, my friend. Have a good time there. All right, look, I gotta get,

I want, you got important things to do. I don't want to get in. No, we could do one more quick one. One more quick one. Let's do another more quick one. Does more quick one. Let's do another one. That's one good one there. Why not? Let's get a nice one.

Uh oh, the words are bad. Five. Call myself, I, I, I, I, my, my, I, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my a positive and i'm sorry i'm really the one time i'm can't end on my fucking guy so yeah i got my nuts

chopped off after cancer so my bad ike it was a good joke actually let's play again let's start from where it is actually. The family jewels, you see. I have one left and it's one more right. I got a protect to be shortly after on the one that was still hanging. So I got back into the game, ended up getting with the girl for a while. Ever since then, kind of lost the

the jive, the urge, or whatnot, this broke up, going on a year, and like desert around here, ain't nothing wet. You're dicks not wet? Just looking, how about you get back into the game? What do I gotta do? 33. Today. All right. Let'm now. I think I know what's going on here. You're incredibly depressed. Yeah. You went to you. You went when you when you when you fucking cut my dogs balls off and it's like the week after when it's just like what happened. That just lasted so much longer for you to go from cancer,

and then it sounds like you got a preemptive vasectomy. I did not understand that. So that he could bust, like, I wish respect if you just want to bust inside of strangers. Yeah, go nuts. But not. I go nuts.

Sorry, go nuts. Have fun. I am willing to wager, my friend here, that you have a lot more shit going on than yeah Sounds like it like if your libido is not I don't think it's has anything to do with the medical procedures here You sound like EOR and I think you just need a you just need to overall improve your life and there's times where it's just Get yourself a piglet EOR. Yeah Go get yourself. You know what you know how to fix a stating life go get yourself a piglet, Ear. Yeah. Go get yourself, you know what? You know how to fix a stating life? Go get yourself a piglet.

Get a little piglet. By that I mean, go get somebody who's out of your normal realm. Go after something that doesn't look or feel like you normally like. Maybe that's going to flip your brain chemistry to get you back into whatever world you think you belong at. I don't think he's ready for pig. I think that's next. That's another step, right?

No, that's another step, right? I think he's not even ready. I think he's so sad. Like sometimes your dick isn't getting hard because you're sad. And he said it was a desert, which is, your dick's not supposed to get wet, by the way. I don't know what's going on.

I don't know what you're, I don't know what happened from that cancer surgery. He just, he's leaving. He's got a nice sheen every time he's hard. He doesn't get hard, he gets wet. What? So I say bounce back, focus on yourself, get to a happier place, because that's your libido zapped because you're just not happy overall.

And then once you do, once you are feeling better, having cancer and surviving, that's a nice little ticket to use to give me a taxi, you got some stuff going here, my friend. You got back out there prematurely. You sound depressed as fuck and I think I think what's going to happen is you just need to fucking whatever it is working out. Whatever maybe get a better job. Whatever's plaguing you because we don't know because all he said was his dating life. But oftentimes if you're not horny,

it's a symptom of like, you're just not happy overall. Yeah, certainly in my life, that's how it's felt. So, that's what you gotta do, my friend. We don't have enough info, but you'll be getting that little monoball sucked on in no time. You fucking, you know what I mean?

Someone's gonna get that cue ball. Someone's gonna suck on that thing. Someone's gonna suck on that thing. Someone's gonna give you that solo ride. Someone's gonna be moving her tongue across that scar. She might even flip that empty sack. Yeah. She might even hit that piece of gum next door. Yeah, she'll give the bubble chew a little fucking.

She'll blow a couple bubbles with your empty right sack. Anyone that times right, you'll find a piglet that chew empty right sack. Everyone at times, right? You'll find a piglet that you own that nut. 100% that nut sack on that. You're gonna be good buddy. But whatever you need to do, figure it out and bounce back, we love you and we believe in you. I think that's gonna do it for this episode of Stavis World.

Thank you to all things comedy for hosting us. And thank you of course. I love you. To my buddy Andrew Santino, I love you too, man. You gotta come to me. We gotta do a full one, a full of course. I love you. To my buddy Andrew Santina, I love you two men. You got to come to me. We got to do a full one, a full deep dive. I'll be out there. We were just two, the riffing was too fun up top.

Who's way to? Well, that's what I knew. I looked at my phone, it's like, oh, we've been going for 40 minutes. It's good. But go away. Listen to bad friends. Listen to bad friends. Listen to whiskey ginger and go to the store.

We're just going to do a fall dates. We're done for until the fall. But in the fall, go to badfriendspod.com. We're gonna do Milwaukee too. Chicago for Thanksgiving and DC and a bunch of different spots. Boston, fucking Boston. Love it.

So go to badfriendspod.com, come see me and Bobby Lee in the fall. Hell yeah, go see him. And Stabby.biz we're on tour as well. Go see us. Go see me. I mean, others'll just be there, but he'll be fucking selling t-shirts and shit like that.

He's enjoying his fourth vacation in the last few weeks, by the way. He works. I'm on the fucker, push a couple buttons and he's gotta go camping every two weeks. Got it, it's good. Well, I'm out here slaving away in Hollywood trying to get us in the fucking.

My goal is to have dumb ass eldest, be like a fucking, be taking me, like be running a production company He's like your turtle or whatever. Yes. Yeah, sort of I maybe respect him a little more than turtle Know this respect to the kit to the actor Jerry Ferrara the character But yes, he's my guy. I love him, but yeah, he's he you know, he couldn't he couldn't be bothered to make the trip out here Anyway folks, we will be back next week. Thanks, Andrew, and we'll see you next time.

Bye-bye. Thank you. Thank you. I have a big family, and they're spread around multiple countries. So a few years ago, it was my brother's wedding and most of them decided to come. Great news, but a big problem. Where do you put eight people all with different requirements and keep them all together? We looked at some hotels, but then it was obvious, get an Airbnb.

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