Stavvy's World - #56 - Matteo Lane

Episode Date: December 25, 2023

Friend of the show Matteo Lane returns for a special Christmas edition of Stavvy's World to talk about the perfect Xmas gift his aunt once got him as a child, serenade everyone to his beautiful rendition of a Christmas classic, and more. Matteo and Stav help callers including a man who's going to counseling with his mother-in-law but wants his refusing wife to attend, and a guy who's got the wrong idea about his wife's friend. Watch Matteo Lane's 'The Advice Special Part 2' now: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=adnD7D_qNwM Follow Matteo Lane on social media: https://matteolanecomedy.com/ https://www.tiktok.com/@matteolane https://www.instagram.com/matteolane https://www.youtube.com/@matteolanecomedy Unlock exclusive, Patreon-only episodes at https://www.patreon.com/stavvysworld Wanna be part of the show? Call 904-800-STAV and leave a voicemail to get advice!

Oh Thank God that they welcome everybody to stop these world 904800 stop on this I think this is Christmas day All this isn't it Christmas day. We just me and Mateo just woke up from our bunk beds We unwrapped the presents under the tree Eldon I'll just run us some hot cocoa. I finally got the Barbie. I always Got his Barbie dream house. I got a pocket, I don't want to say what it was this early in the episode.

I got a lot of money. I got a money pocket. You got a mighty man. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Oh man. So we're just having a great time. I'll just cook up a breakfast. It'd be great if we all lived in a,

all our friends in bunk beds higher and higher. It was, I think they won a building, but just a really tall room with a bunch of bunk beds. What was you doing with 14 bunk beds? And I'm still at the bottom. Yeah. I don't get it. Well, I'll spiritually,

I'll just more of the bottom here, even if not sexually. But, yes, what a wonderful Christmas time. Do you remember, what is your favorite childhood Christmas toy you ever got? It was their one that really sticks out. You too. So once I got Maleficent, so they didn't make Maleficent action figures. I still obsessed with Maleficent, not the Angelina Jolie version.

Oh, you don't like that one, huh? I have it under no circumstances. No. As a straight man, I was like, huh? I have it under no circumstances. No. As a straight man, I was like, the lens, I look at almost everything. Angelina Jolie is involved and I was like, would it be cool to fuck a lady dressed like that? And it would be. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

I could use the horn. But she, you know, it's funny when I saw that movie, I left early because it was so bad, but when I saw that movie, I was sitting next to this girl and one point Angelina Jolie's character, Maleficent says, I don't much care for children, the girl next to me goes, that's not what we heard. And I was like, we have to go to brunch. So they didn't have any kind of action, but they did have a glass figurine of Maleficent. So I got that in the first grade.

In first grade. First grade. Wow. And then who gave you that out of me? Cindy Cindy who knew what was up? There's no way you get a first grade boy. I'm a livison figurine if you don't know if you can't read the tea leaves He does like what the hell is this weird? Why why should you give him this maybe Cindy's really phoning it in? She must have bought it for a different girl and Just ran out of time to get it.

I mean come on you never thought of that. First grade you got you a crystalline bitchy woman She didn't even give me like a hot one that conceivably could be like, well, you know, little boys want a kiss, no white. It's the bitchy, like, the most RuPaul's Drag Race character in the Disney universe. She got you that when you're seven years old. He never put that together. An aging bitter queen. I mean, come on, dude. A An aging bitter queen

Come on, dude Not even an action figure collectible crystal Damn, that's awesome shout out to Cindy Didn't we do Cindy the one the one in the sketch that I was in yeah,, yeah, I know Cindy. Yeah. Did you watch this old man? IFC. Yeah, IFC. We did this show called Janice and Jeffery with Molly Merkel and Starvars is in one.

But I had Cindy's in like five of the episodes. Yeah, yeah. We just see this Mexican lady in the background. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Cindy. Yes. I did not think of it that way. Cindy knew what was going on, man. Cindy did know. Yeah, she still knows what's going on. Yes, yes, Cindy. Yes. I did not think of it that way. That was a great sending you what was going on, man. Cindy did know. Yeah.

It was going on. She still knows what's going on. Yes, yes, yes. It was that and then, this is another one. In third grade, I got a storm action. You're good. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Hell, yes.

Truly batting 1, for the most gay character, a little gay boy would be into. Well, because every time Storm, you know, like she would summon her powers. Of course. It couldn't be, everyone else spoke. They were just like, Cyclops just shot.

Jean Grey just used it, you know, Gambit and stuff. But Storm, they're like, hey, Storm, could you open the door? I summon the winds. The oct Arctic cold. Absolutely. So it just, and also again, she was the one, because I was a big X-Men head as well,

that cartoon was awesome. I mean, the guitar riff, the opening things on. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da That was the sickest. They really, it's crazy that in hindsight, what has become so popular? Like the fact that it's like Marvel, which was never cool when we were kids. In the Captain America, all that she was, although I was on its way out. It is, but you know what I mean? I know it's I know that.

But it had a decade run of ruling culture, whether we want to, whether we like it or not, it was the biggest part of culture, which is insane. Because when we were kids, X-Men without it crushed that. And in fact, I think that was maybe the problem, because it was the first ones of those movies before they had really figured it out. What people always say was Spider-Man, but no, it was X-Men.

I mean, the Spider-Man was really good. I mean, because there wasn't. It wasn't, it wasn't. X-Men made it, took something that sounds so ridiculous. Yeah. And made it, at the time you look at it now, it's like watching someone play pong, you know, like a set of kids.

But they were on to something. Well, you know what it is about X-Men is that they should, like what happened with the Marvel movies, which is everyone got their own movie, and then there was a big team up, X-Men needed that. Because all these characters were so fascinating. And then the team up movie would have been huge, but it was in an era where it's like, yeah,

what, we're gonna do the storm origin story, like get out of here, all the X-Men, whatever. Anyway, whatever. But, well, Storm also like, Halle Berry, as much as I love her, was not right in the stormy. Not the right energy. Should have been Angela Bassett.

Dude, okay, what I was just gonna say is that it's so funny to pick Storm, it proves that you are a little ganky, not that we didn't need it to know. That I don't need it too much. Yeah, that's not the only thing that we're 658. But Storm, because I was a big ex-man, Storm doesn't really do it for a little straight boy because she doesn't have that, there's no flirtatious, there's no sexual, there's no bimbo energy that some of the,

like rogue, I mean, basically, humping every side of control. But even like, Jean Grey, even though she was uptight, it was like that, it was like that uptight girl that you wanted. There was also the idea of the the ultimate like male fantasy of what Femininity is is that like she's weak and easy to be rescued like she kept being like Scott and she would fall like right and so there was The bisexual she wasn't gay

No, no, no, Jean Gray. She she she feels like a by girl to me. Oh, maybe that's rogue now that I think no rogue is straight Jean Grey is, by the way, when I say that, I'm saying that's the man who wrote that character. I'm not saying that's what it actually is. But Storm, you're right. Storm didn't get lost. Storm had none of that. She was like so about her business, such it like she was a boss in like that somebody you took orders from, which is did, which I thought she was sick. I thought she was cool, but I didn't think of her the same way I would like the other characters that I was like, ooh, she saw, or even like,

she was underrated, she controls the goddamn weather. And they were like, they treated her like she was, I don't know, just like an extra. Like, Wolverine, it's enough. Yes, very good point, Mateo. Just give me one second here. I wanted to remind our beautiful listeners at home that Fat Rascal is out right now on Netflix.

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Preservoir? Maybe a Baltimore sports fan or maybe they just like front-facing caricature videos of regional idiots. Well then here we go. We have that's right the Ronnie shirt Okay, we've got a little merchandise a lot of great options for you So watch the special buy a calendar by a t-shirt Hey Mateo that goes for you too. I'm sorry. I interrupted you though Yeah controversial statement. I'm over it Yeah, it's a hundred movies with him everything is to be about Wolverine and his dumb stupid origin story It's because so stupid, but you know why though, it's because Hugh Jackman just was the best.

It's such a nice pairing of like, he got everything out of that character, whereas like- But even before him, like the comics, it's about Wolverine. Yeah. The movie is about Wolverine. The cartoon is about Wolverine. It's like a Tanda Ba-Wolverine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's supposed to be the oldest one, right?

Everyone else is supposed to be like a kid and he's like, old as fuck, and theory. Yeah. Anyway, anyway, going back to you get supposed to be like a kid and he's like oldest fuck and theory. Anyway, anyway, going back to you, get your storm action figure. Oh, that's right. Yeah, that's right. That's about it. The biggest two memories that come to mind.

And how old were you when you get stormed? Third grade, so how old were you in third grade? So that's about right, I don't know. Uh, 10? Eight, something like that. Seven rate, nine, something like that. That was worth it as far. And those crushed it. Those, those Christmas gifts were like...

It couldn't be better. Were they the only even gay adjacent gifts you ever got? Oh, no, no, no. My sister got a magic wand that I wanted. Yeah. My cousin Megan had Ruby Red slippers that I wanted. Yeah. And you know what we did?

My brother is very good with technology even to this day day and when I found out there was no Santa Claus cause in first grade, we had this karaoke machine, my nicky got us and my brother figured out that he could extend the wire. So he took the wire, hit it and it went into the living room. We had it's tiny, really a really small house. So it was just one hallway he had to put in. So he had the microphone in the living room,

hidden and then the speaker came back into our room. Wow. So he got you guys bugged the living room. That's incredible dude. Wow. So I was the first grade and I knew there was no sound. When you heard your aunt and parents being like, what are you getting Mateo?

And it's like that kind of, that's hilarious. Wow. Damn dude. Yeah, I'm trying to think the best, I had a lot of duds. Like I remember asking, I think like, it was like in Space Jam, you know, what's the Space Jam had taken over the world and I really wanted an autographed Michael Jordan basketball. Okay, why don't you just ask for the Holy Grail?

Wow. I Greek family in Baltimore is gonna get their hand on a signed Michael Jordan. Well, I from Chicago, I couldn't even fucking get it. I think it was hinted. I think I wanted some Michael Jordan stuff, right? I think that was just kind of what I wanted. But it doesn't shock me that a straight person

would be less particular in the things in verbalizing of what they wanted. Like, obviously the gay kids, like, here's my list. Yes, yes, yes. And they'll be a review. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They make sure it's the right stitching on the jacket. This, for me, I just wanted some Michael Jordan shit.

And I think my father hinted that he was gonna get me an autographed ball and I was like what the fuck that's fucking awesome and then he brought me the ball and it was like a ball from Costco that like was really shitty that clearly might it was just like printed in the same black that like Wilson or whatever the it was clearly not signed by Michael Jordan I was just like this was the big it's like, if that was one of the secondary gifts on a Christmas, that's fine, but that was like the big showstopper. And then, and I got fucked so many times

with my dad's techniques, because one time he was like, he had, it was two video games. It was Donkey Kong, and it was, I wanna say, Luigi's Mansion. From GameCube. No, dude, there was a Nintendo. And there was a, maybe it was an N64? No, Luigi's Mansion.

I'm such a faggot. It was a GameCube. Which by the way, video games are big. Look up Super Nintendo. See if there was a Luigi's Mansion Super. There was some kind of Luigi game for Super Nintendo. I think. Was there some kind of Luigi Super Nintendo game?

Hmm. Mario is missing. Anyway, it was a bullshit game, right? My dad picked two, it was like some kind of bullshit Luigi games. Where is it, Elis? We got anything for the Nintendo? Super Nintendo?

Mario is missing. Could it have literally been that? Am I the right one? Well, Mario is missing. Could it have literally been that? Am I the right answer? Well, Mario is missing. Anyway, whatever, maybe it was this, no, no, it was this. Anyway, it was some bullshit tertiary Mario game, right? Or it was like whatever Donkey Kong was out. And my dad was like, hey, which one do you think

we should get for? It was my friend, I don't know why you even said this kid's name in particular, but I remember it was the big, it was the goose. He was like, he was like, which one should we get for, for, for, for, we're called the goose? I won't say his real name. Which one should we get for the goose? Donkey Kong or this bull, you know, this Mario game.

And I looked at, I was like, fuck the goose. He gets the bullshit game. That way, my dad'll get me the good game and what he was doing He didn't think that I was gonna be a Machiavellian seven year old He was basically asking me which one of these games is better which and I was like and I was so wanted Donkey Kong And then I just opened it up on Christmas and it's that game and I'm like What the fuck? This was supposed to be for him, not me.

Is that funny that we still remember this? I remember that to this day. Those two ones where I just look at that, I'm like, this is incined. You told me it was gonna be, like first of all, what the fuck did I care about a signed ball? I'm a child. What if he had a Michael Jordan signed Maleficent actually?

Yeah. That would have been awesome. I video games were huge. I remember in first grade, my dad was really sick. He had a disease called vasculitis. Maleficent actually. That would have been awesome. Video games were huge. I remember in first grade, my dad was really sick. He had a disease called vasculitis. And he was in the hospital ICU for months. I mean, it was rough.

We all said our goodbyes to him. The whole thing. So, my mom was so like destroyed. We had that Christmas at my cousin's house who lived next door. And it was all of us there. And so my aunt's name was like Mike did all the gifts for us, but my cousin Michael got super Nintendo. And I mean, the most fun memories I have as a kid

is sitting around my cousin's TV with all my cousins watching my cousin Michael play. Super nice, Troy. We watched Doom, remember when Doom came out, we just sit around the computer and was so scary. It was so scary. So scary, so scary. So scary. Yeah, going over it, because my parents just didn't even

know the concept. Actually, I'll just have a computer. I will give him, I will give him his even more immigrant than mine parents. Credit, they had a computer very early on. But there was like an older family friend who's like, you know, he's probably like eight years older me, whatever. Like now he just feels like my friend. But back then it was like, older family friend who's like, you know, he's probably like eight years old to me, whatever. Like now he just feels like my friend,

but back then it was like, that was a huge, he's in high school when I'm fucking eight years old. And so he had a computer, he knew the internet, all that shit and we would go over there and watch him play, dude. And I'd be like, I would just be too scared to even do things. He's the first person to show me like,

all these Nintendo games, that like yeah, Metroid Pokemon was huge like a game boy color. Pokemon was big. We sound so all like I know I know I know I will say that my My the best presence came from my dad my dad was just a very spur of the moment guy And he also like he neither most of 90 of the time he had no money whatsoever, but he was a contractor. So when a big job was finished, he was flush with cash. And he's so bad with money.

But like when he finished a big job, I remember being pumped because he would take us to fucking Costco or the mall or whatever. And that's like all my best gifts for my father happened when he finished putting in like Mahogany cabinets. They were never my birthday or Christmas was always some random day in June where he's like,

wanna go to Costco? And then we came back with an Nintendo like bundle pack. And it was like, yeah, this is fucking, this day rules, dude. So I guess the Christmas's were never, they never really knocked it out of the park on Christmas for whatever reason. I mean Christmas to me was more about my cousins we go to my Nana's house and it's like everyone gets there at three and there's like 50 of us and we're just there's like the kids

downstairs screaming the parents up. I mean it's just a chaos like complete those are my good memories and I remember now thinking about it like my mom mom and my, all my aunts and uncles aligned all the kids up on the couch. So there's like 20 of us on the couch and shit. They're all trying to take pictures of us and there's just everyone screaming at each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I just thought it was normal. And then you exchange like stories on the playground and none of them match up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I mean, most of our shit was pretty, it's pretty, everyone in Greak Town had pretty much had the same trashy shit.

I was, what did you do for Christmas shit? You're albanian, right? I'm albanian, yeah. We just did normal, like, gather around the tree, open presents. My family, it was always like, it was always very much like, you know, me and my sister just kind of knew what we were getting.

And we would still wrap them up, but we kind of like tell our parents or just like make them buy it at the store and then we'd wrap it up and like open it up around the Christmas tree Oh, wow they had no concept of Santa Claus. No, we just really Albanian you godless communists. I know One country away from both of us and you're normal It was weird like my family. Yeah, they really are the buffer zone between Italy and Greece. That's so funny.

Yeah. It goes fucking Greece out of the way. Italy. We've got the whole fucking, we've got a whole chunk of the bulk in here. Yeah, for real. But my family like, my family like, yeah, we just, we never did like surprise gifts. So I always feel like a lot of pressure when I have to like shop for some

or buy a wide variety of like people outside of my family because like this fucking guy when it's his wife's birthday, we'll talk about it for three months before. It'll be like, what the fuck? And he always get a bull. He'll be like, a gift card and a shirt. He'll always blow it.

Or he'll go way too hard. I was like, a laptop. You know what I mean? They're like, they'll always blow it, or he'll go way too hard, just like, laptop. You know what you're either like, they'll drop the nuclear bomb or he'll, you've done, you've had a couple good ones. You got to pay the premium when you wait last mid-year. Yeah, it's like when you're down that time, like, yeah, yeah. You've got some from Amazon or something, it's got to be some of the fucking stuff. Yeah, I'm not, I have the point of my level, I'm not good at accepting gifts or giving.

I don't know. I'm more of a like, let's have dinner with each other. I'll be for dinner and then we can connect with each other. But like, the buying a gift, like I never think like, oh, we have to get people, but like, Lisa Trigger is good at that. She always thinks of like, I got gifts. I thought about getting gifts, I have this

and I thought of my, and I thought, I never think of it. I don't know what it's like a block with me, but like for me, like my husband's, his birthday is gonna be in the beginning of January. I'm like, I'm planning on like a nice dinner. Cause I don't know what to, well, ain't old. But I mean, I don't know what else to like. Well, that's just for me.

What the fuck? Yeah, get them in. The same gift every day, Mateo. We can. It's called re-gifting. Hey, you got this for a bunch of other guys. We can We get Hey, you got this for a bunch of other guys didn't you You gave this gift a hundreds of other men before me

Happy birthday The way did you guys listen to Chris's music to me, I've already started by this. I don't give a shit about Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is always my dad's side of the family, which I like, but they were... They were with dad's Mexican? No, my mom's Italian Mexican. My dad's family is just honky.

Literally. Yeah. They're the nicest people, but they're complete strangers. I mean, so the food was different. Everything felt so stale and I just was so uncomfortable. I like an ethnic holiday because typically an American way you'll get is you will just have the whatever the real the American meal is,

but then you just also have a full other meal on top of it. We had the same thing where it was like, if for Thanksgiving always a whole, like a lamb, always a side of lamb and lamb, it was never, because we weren't big, we weren't poultry people. We nobody in my family really liked Turkey. And so when we go, we had like our family friends would have Thanksgiving, they'd bring the turkey,

and we would just bring an entire rack of lamb. And I still to this day, to this day, well me and my brothers do, we do Thanksgiving, a career in barbecue, but when we do Christmas, we're still not a big, pulled your family, and I will make, when we do it, I'll make a big steak roast. Okay, I make a great roast. I make a great roast.

Chicken. Yeah. So, what's getting to you, Lister and the Christmas? Like, to me, Christmas music, I love Christmas music. I mean, Carpenter's Christmas album, Mariah Carey's Christmas album. Kelly Clarkson's got a good one very underrated. So, I like Chris's album throwing it out there. But like, did you ever listen to Chris's music or like...

I don't think so, really. I don't know. We were never big Chris... Like, I'm trying to think about this. Not really. I just feel like... I don't know that there was that much Christmas cheer in my family, to be honest with you. And also, Greek people have this weird thing

where we really cared about Christmas but actually in Greece, New Year's was when you got your presence. Oh, interesting. And Santa Claus came on New Year's. So my parents tried for the, when we were little, until we were like eight or something to

do, to do New Years. To do New Years. Struggling to figure out. They really tried to force New Years on us and we were like, you brought us to America, you motherfuckers. Give me my fucking presence on Christmas. Enough with this bullshit. But they, my just think my dad never really connected and my mom, I think it was just so

overworked, you know, that it was just like, I don't know, I connected and my mom, I think, was just so overworked, you know, that it was just like, I don't know, I don't have like, I don't honestly have the fondest Christmas memories. When I think of his awesome is, the first knockout of the park Christmas, didn't come till pretty later, which is, I think I was in ninth grade,

whatever you're the game cube came out. We're in 2000, 2000. Was it? No. Yeah, 2000 or 2001. When did the game look that up? Because it was when Ryan Carrey's Trump-Race album came out.

So maybe even 2002. GameCube released the, How much my memory serves me. 2001. I'm sorry. In Japan, 2001. So probably came to America. 2001 in November. so probably came America 2001 in November was it 2000

2001 mm-hmm Wow because the next year yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, so 2001. I was in sixth grade Oh, so I was in sixth grade and my brothers were in fourth grade because we got a game cube and That okay, all right, so I was younger than I thought all right. That was the first just like Sick Christmas. Yeah, we get the first just like sick Christmas. Yeah. We get the GameCube. Me and my brothers are playing Madden.

We're playing Star Fox. Like, I just remember that thing bonding my brothers and me together in a way that like we would take turns where I'll try to help each other. Then we get FIFA. We play each other. It was like to me, Christmas is just like, wake up early as fuck, get your presents.

You kinda have to, like, there's no, Thanksgiving was always the like, you have to do shit holiday. And Christmas was like, you gave me my presents. Thank you for all this food. I will eat it very fast and not around you. And then I will go upstairs with my brothers and we will play GameCube until 4 a.m.

And it was just the best. They don't give video games enough credits that it's, people do look at even today as like sort of a waste of time. But it is a way that men can bond with each other in a way that you can't in other ways. I mean, I play a lot of Fortnite and it's I'm playing with all these straight people and then my friend Nick who's, by the way,

at my Carnegie Hall show, he goes, how do you like my outfit? It's a new dress as Barbara Streisand, the third album. And, but they say that men can talk, but like, for example, if you're gonna talk with like your husband or something, right? And if you do face to face, it's almost viewed as an implementation.

You have to go on a walk and then not make eye contact. And it actually allows men for some reason to open up more. Video games do the same thing. That's check set. You get out and get out with all these guys and we're playing video games. And Fortnite's like, there's a long time of like collecting and looting.

So you've a lot of time to check. Yeah, and that's how you bond. And it's totally a great way to bond. No, some of the best bonding came on like two player games where it was like, you know, co-op, co-op, co-op. Where you're just like playing Halo co-op when we trenches. You play perfect dark.

Did you ever play perfect dark? OK, it was the predecessor to James 007 on N64. That we played the fuck out of. It's the same company, same game, but just like better. And you could play co-op Mike Cousin-Brine and I would play, like you said, to four o'clock in the morning. Yeah, it didn't stop.

Oh, and then we played a weird, there was a weird James Bond game on GameCube where you were like Sean Connery. You were all the different James bonds. Oh, yeah, it was like the, it was, there was a failed. We loved it. We loved it. remember there's loved that game because rare the company that made like Banjo Kazooie James a 007 gold and I you know all those great games that you know They lost the rights to James Bond. I think to like EA sports or some like that

Bullshake company. Yeah, and so they tried to bring that back on GameCube and like other systems that it never worked. It never worked, but I'll tell you, it's a fucking in Southeast Baltimore for the Halkest Boys in the room with a bunk bed and one other little bed in it. We were fucking cruising. I remember I went in a room and up with a bunk bed.

Yeah, it was my two brothers in a bunk bed and a red metal bunk bed, which we cracked my brother George's skull on once, wrestling. He were wrestling and then we fucking, he just hit his head and he was like, how is it okay? And he was like, oh, blood was streaming.

It was fucked up. He still has a little mark. I have to, he has a little mark. But yeah, they had then, and I had a twin bed in the corner. And that was how we lived until I was in like 10th grade and I demand. And by the way, we just had an extra room the whole time. We had an extra room that my dad didn't feel like

cleaning out the entire time. We had one, to say that I should have this. Totally. It took until I was like, not an adult, but you know when you're like 14, what are you still, you're starting to get some like adult ideas. And I'm like, what the fuck am I,

and let's be honest, we're all starting to beat off. And it's like, I'm like, I need some personal beat off space. Enough having to plan every single beat of my life. I need to relax. It's horrible to do in the shower. Yeah, the bell,

you know how much bathroom jacking off I did? Pretending to read Greek magazines that had titties in them sometimes. Like, oh, I'm reading Greek. You should be happy. It's like, oh, that's the only time you ever reading Greek stuff. Oh, yeah, yeah.

It's when you're in the bathroom shitting for a very long time. My brother and I shared a room until I was like, until he was, same with him. He's like, I gotta have some freedom So they because our house was so small we had my sister in her room my brother And I won't run my parents in a room and a bathroom and they we had a like a den kind of area And we converted that into a room my brother

So my brother could have some you know because it was too much course. And then he ended up moving out of the house at 18 anyway. So we, that went back to like the computer room. I had a room in space. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's too much. Too much. Everybody on top of each other. We've talked about it before, but all this was even worse.

Although you, you were in the burbs pretty fast. We let, yeah, we left, we moved to fifth grade. Did you feel like a king when you got your own room in the burbs? How did you feel? I was, I remember being like, I, I was happy about it, but I was like a king when you got your own room in the burbs? How did you feel? I was I remember being like I I was happy about it But I was like a little salty because my sister's room was so much bigger. She's like five years older That means I was like damn I want the big ass. Jesus fucking size queen

He used a large of his credit. He's a giant man. You were the size in third grade He was pretty big. I think I legit hit my like crazy spurt in like middle school. No, that middle school. Well, was it an advantage to be tall in middle school? I don't like, it wasn't. It's not an advantage to be anything

but a rich kid in middle school, I think. Yeah, maybe. Don't you notice like I look back now, I'm like the kids that were popular, you look back now, you're like, oh, they were just rich. Yeah, they said had nicer stuff. Yeah, yeah. They weren't, they believed in themselves.

Well, they had parents that were kind of asshole. Yeah, they told them you were the bet. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Well, I don't know, it could have been an advantage. It could have been, but it's not real. It's not real that strategically. For you, useless. There's never been a man who's used this height less than you

in the history of the world. You could be a five-three man, and your life really doesn't change that much. Maybe your wife wouldn't have matched you on a dating app, that's the only difference. So thank God, I guess you are this tall, because you couldn't handle. You couldn't swim in these waters, I'll just...

I need the height, I need the height. You need it, but you've never used it. No one has ever utilized it less. When you got it, because you couldn't handle. You couldn't swim in these waters, I'll just. I need the height, I need the height. You need it, but you've never used it. No one has ever utilized it less. When you got it, you don't need to. I feel like when you're tall, like you need to be more under the radar because you're already so like. It's pulsing so like.

That's what you think, but everyone's jealous. I remember being jealous, I wanted it so badly to be tall. It's so funny, I never in my, like, I'm not even kidding, this is gonna sound like I'm making this up. I wanted so badly to be tall. It's so funny I never in my, like, I'm not even kidding, this is gonna sound like I'm making this up. Three years ago is when I realized I'm short. Like, you guys, it sounds like I'm lying,

but I never in my life thought I was short, it's crazy. It me and him have been like, I'm talling five. I'm five seven. That's not, how tall are you? Like six, five. Jesus. Yeah, well that's the thing.

It's like, I'm not, I've said this before and people think I'm kidding. Our friend who's six feet tall in my head were the same height. Eldis is like three inches taller than me. Like in my head. Like in my head, my head. And in my head were the same height.

I know, that's what I mean. It's like if anybody's like five, ten, or under, I'm the same height as them. You know what I mean? But what I just I was blessed to not have that like I never thought about being told my guy I was like we're not giving you any confidence Yeah, and saying with me. I was just it was never I had one eyebrow. Yeah I was so skinny Yeah, or like you know and then I picture views a little kid are so funny. Oh, yeah

I think to have like really parted you know, but that was like the look. Yeah, yeah That's because I was gay. I did like an extra I was really killed for it Every time I was called faggot I look back now. I'm like they weren't wrong I mean they obviously saw something they picked up on something I remember a kid making fun of me because I was in seventh grade I was in German class and I didn't have armpit hair yet. Like I was a late bloomer.

And that was like a focus of everyone's conversation. I was like, what are you doing? What in the world? What do you want me to do? Of course. But you'll get me fun if for anything. They'll leave you in the same thing. They did not know about my Maleficent actually.

No one was to know about my Maleficent actually figure. No one could know. But I loved Pokemon, I loved all that stuff. Like Christmas was like all the nerdy stuff. I guess I'm more nerdy than I thought. This year I'm excited because now I'm married so I get to have a Christmas with it. Yeah, by the way, congratulations.

And also when did I feel like I talked to you? I got a text not even for you, I like I talked to you. I got a text not even for you. I got a text from Liz. I got a text from the manager of the comedy store that was like Mateo's getting married this weekend. Can you come by and I was like I'm on the road for one month. I would love to but I can't. And I was like it's like hilarious to get that text and be like okay, sick. Congrats. That's awesome. But it was like, I feel like you just, you were just were married one day. Yep.

What? I mean, I wish I could be like, no, we'll be action. Yep. That's right. Because I do, I feel like the last time you were on the pod and the last time we really talked about, you were kind of in a little bit of a little sad boy face, a little bit of like a...

I'm still in the same place. Yeah, yeah, that didn't change. But you were in like, you know, when am I gonna find the still, you know. Yeah, yeah, that didn't change. But you were in like, you know, when am I gonna find the right guy, you know what I mean, it didn't feel like it. So were we talking like a whirlwind romance, what happened here?

Yeah, look, I started talking to him in February and it's crazy that it's gonna be a year. Yeah, that is kind of crazy to think about it. But anyway, he did one of these, you know, these sort of soft, corporn things that insta influencers do where they're like, get ready in the day with me. And it's like, dude, girls will be like,

outfit of the day. And then they just turn their back to the camera, take their bra off. You can see the sides of their breasts. And it's like, this is sick. I like this, but there's no way this is necessary to see your outfit. It's fucking insane how they'll do that shit.

And when I saw his breasts, I saw, I knew he had a nice butt and he was so cute and so I followed him. And then everyone's like, who messaged you first? He's like, obviously, I messaged you first. I'm so desperate. There was no thing about me as cool. He didn't even know who I was he knows a comedian like weeks and weeks of talking yeah yeah but then it turned into like face timing and then it was you know it's just like how it usually goes sure but then

thing is like when you meet someone then it can shift quickly sure so he's like I want to come to New York and I was like such a comedian I'm like well come for two days yeah yeah just come for the days. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just come for the weekend, you know, you see how it's like from Mexico. Yeah. And then he landed and I saw him and then the second I saw him, it was so strange, it was really, it was kind of like a, I don't believe in the psych, except,

but it was a little bit of a premonition. I, the first thought I had was like, oh, this man will be in my life for a long time. Wow. And it just clicked. It just worked. It's great. It got to a point where it's like, we just wanted to have a life together. Congrats, man. That's awesome. Thanks. So now I'm a, I'm a married old bitch.

That's great. Honestly, who are we kidding? That was your destiny the whole time. You were, you were put on this, when you were a little gay child, polishing malificent, you were meant to be a married old bitch. I became what I worship. Yeah. You were funny. I would break it because I would use it to play. And then obviously, glass or break so my aunt or my mom had to keep super gluing back

on her horn or this. I fucking, can you look up Maleficent Glass featuring from the 90s because I fucking it's gonna all. It's all coming back, all coming back to me. There it the vintage Disney Japan. Yeah, the price drop one and the one next to it. Let's buy one from it to the right. The right one to the right. That one.

That's it. That's what it was. Should I buy that? Oh my God. You really should. Yeah, that was it with the back, oh my God. That's it, dude, oh, I love it. That's what my aunt Cindy bought me.

Mod on, yeah, that's beautiful. Yeah, that was it, oh my God. I should really buy this. You should buy this, you should buy this. Are you kidding me, you have to. I didn't even think about it. Yeah. That's why I'm so jealous these fucking little kids today is like there's Maleficent anything you want right you

I'm gonna do this was all we have yeah So for all the gay kids out there who want a Maleficent you get this or it's or it's not or it's not shit My cousin Brian is also gay. We used to play Magic and what that means is we were like sailor moon character And I remember the best thing this goes to show how much money we didn't have my the best gift we ever got my uncle Mike took there was like Uh, he took like a like a plastic bar snapped it in half and Duck taped tennis balls to the top of it. So it looks sort of like in the lefus and they're warned

duck taped tennis balls to the top of it. So it looks sort of like an elephant. They're warned. Oh, there's nothing. The scepter from the goddamn Queen of England was not as good as that. We loved those fucking spells at each other. Spells at each other. I loved Captain Planet because of the rings. I mean, that was another good, good favorite go to.

But yeah, Christmas will be nice. We're going decorate that my apartment. Yeah, you're first Christmas Is a and he's never seen snow. Oh, he's from Mexico He's like, oh, and it keeps getting colder and he keeps thinking he can just wear a sweater I'm like you have to get a winter jacket Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm already I'm like no I'm gonna get going to get cold. I'm so excited to see snow We watched the princess switch last night just to make fun of it. Like me and my friends and the only person who was fully invested was my husband. We're like, she's an idiot.

This is so stupid. How gay is like, no, will she fall in love with him? God, we watch In City's because I was like, we should watch Halloween movies, is that? So I love in Sidious. It's just very straightforward, like nice spook effects and stuff like jump scare stuff. So we watch them, of course about possession and then he was so scared and I was laughing.

He's like, don't love a meme. This is real when Mexico. I was like, I'm more, eh. We still have witchcraft in Mexico. I turned all the lights off and went to bed and he went to the bathroom. He's like, I'm more than we still have witchcraft in Mexico I turned all the lights off and went to bed and he went to the bathroom is like I'm more than I'm like you It's the beds right here. He's a brand of the bad. He was so scared But he's a great great husband That's awesome. He you know, I love him. I am absolutely in love with him. He he for

He came from entertainment. I mean he used to be on Broadway in Mexico and so he gets the life relip. Like, he's not offended if I say I have to do this or especially because comics we need time alone. Totally. That's a huge thing that I didn't realize I need and like I just need to sit alone and do nothing. Yeah.

Let my mind wander. I recharge by doing nothing. I'm with you brother. And he gets it. He's like, fine, I'll go keep myself busy. He's not like dependent on me. And it's great. It'm with you brother. And he gets it. He's like fine, I'll go keep myself busy. He's not like dependent on me. It's great, it's a great relationship and he's fucking gorgeous.

Yeah, hell yeah. He is hot as hell. I saw that picture you posted. I was like, God damn, that's a piece of ass right there. That's important. That's important. Gotta have a piece of ass in your life. I fully believe that. Yeah, we're sorry. Brother, here you go. So I'm gonna have a Christmas with him. He's important. Got to have a piece of ash in your life. I feel like that. Yeah. We're still.

Brother. You go. So I'm going to have Chris with him. He's going to come. He already met all my family when I did the Chicago theater. So he met all of them. Are you getting? You have a you say you're not a big gift giver. Do you have anything in mind for Rodriguez? Even for Christmas too. All right. Look at it. Lucky lucker is a thing to say when you get an alarm to stay. That's the all-ingredient. Bing Crosby, I can't believe he just took America by storm.

My favorite Christmas movie is White Christmas because the writing is so, there's no one saying anything that they're words. They're English words. Yes. Nothing nothing connects no one's speaking to each other being crossby is in early hundreds and he's trying to pretend to be like a 21-year-old soldier old war too oh starboard you gotta watch okay Christmas starting Danny K gay as well Danny K yes that guy Salirius and then Rosemary Clooney. Yeah, there it is, being Crosby. I feel so married, little Chris.

I am a Christmas movie guy. I love, I mean, this is the, what's the number one Christmas movie? I'll watch it. I'm a Christmas vacation guy, obviously, that's my, that those movies remind, it's like George Costanza is a movie, it's so stressful. Yeah, it is stressful.

It is stressful, but it's, you know, it's, but I love Julie Louis Dryer. She's incredible. And I don't can't do they show Beverly D'Angelo's tits in that one too. Or was it just the first, that was the first, the first, the first, the first, the first, the first, the first, the regular vacation. Yeah. She has a pair on her. What a, wow, Beverly D'Angelo. What a, what a legend. Well, Vera Allen who plays the dancer in this movie, I read in my, this is how gay I have, the musical theater history class I took at art school. GAY MULTIPLIRE, art school.

Here's the history class. Super, super sad. She was so thin that they covered her neck and every scene. And when you watch the movie, it's quite frightening. Like, you know, like... She's like skeleton-shedded eating disorder probably. Probably. Maybe back then, none of that stuff was talked about. Yeah.

You can see what they did to, like, you know. But she's a phenomenal dancer. I mean, like, her dancing was unbelievable. What years it from? 1950s, three, four. Yes, there is something really interesting about watching these movies from even like the 30s to the 50s where it's like, it really is,

it's almost like they haven't fully made the transition to a the art form being completely separated from live performance. Where it's like there are elements of, I mean the Danny K movies, he's kinda like doing stand-up comedy in the middle of a movie. And it's like they have audiences for stuff

and then these big show pieces and they're literally this movie. Okay cool, I'll check it out cause I'm fascinated by those where it's like, yeah, these people are just like, they haven't figured out film as its own thing yet. And that probably comes in the probably the 70s or that kind of shit.

But like, yeah, it was just an adaptation of Vodville Broadway live shows. There's always dance breaks. But I guess without CGI and Marvel, tap dances the next best thing. It was cool. I mean, there is, I really like what I got into and I probably when I have a little time off,

we'll get back now in the holidays. I'm in the middle of my fucking time off. My vacation is started. Fat rascal, the special is out. I hope you've already seen it multiple times. Hopefully it's trending on that Flix. Oh and the advice special part two is that I can see. And the advice special part two, of course,

we'll put all this stuff in the beginning and we'll post a clip on the Instagram page. We made a budget to make our own 1950s Christmas movie. Dude, we got, we can do it. Do you think so? And sing songs there's dance break? Absolutely like that would be awesome. What's the plot? Oh? This is good. This is we debt first of all we can absolutely get a movie made you think so we absolutely can get a movie made 100 they won't give me a special but they'll give me Christmas movie

Maybe it's Tommy baby enterprise. This is the financier. But we will get a fucking, we will get a movie made. That's a great idea. And I want to sing like being crossbeats. Of course. You're gonna see that very deep bass voice. Uh, your son, a little Christmas. He beat the shit out of his kids.

He was a big beating, a big beat a lot of, I think wives and kids. Okay, let's think about this. Here's, are you ready for a plot? You have a beautiful angelic family. You and your married, your husband, you guys have an adopted kid running around whatever. I am your, maybe I'm your cousin, maybe I'm your brother. I'm freshly divorced. My wife kicks me out of the house. I'm maybe I'm old school, maybe I'm your brother. I'm freshly divorced.

My wife kicks me out of the house. I'm maybe I'm old school, maybe I'm a little homophobic. I haven't really figured it my shit out yet. But what about the movie? Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I get kicked out of my house and I'm a Grinch. I hate the holidays, you know. I and the power just being around you guys, you know, we have like a I'm picking my my niece up from the from ice skating. And we just use music from other Christmas movies. So in your life when we show you is just your a mean I love dude that's a yeah and then we maybe I find a little love you know I don't know that's I think this sounds like you're coming out story yeah I would be with a woman in my idea

but you know that's that's one way we could go with it I think that's it okay that's the movie that's the the movie. Very Uncle Buck. Uncle Buck for sure. Yes, yes, yes. Do you have a favorite Christmas song? Hmm. I mean, maybe it's a recency bias, but I mean, I, Moriah Carey's, I mean, that's the one that I crushed the most.

Like, that's, you know, I really like, that's like a, and it's crazy to think about, she just wrote that. that just didn't exist Yeah, keyboard. She just didn't exist and it feels like it's been around for 100 years. Yep That I mean I maybe I'm a basic bitch, but I think that's my favorite my that's my favorite one They played that once at Pride when I used to go out we were at a gay bar and it's like everyone's waist it. Yeah That's ultimate camp We were all at this bar and it's like you know like you know gay shit right and all of a sudden like And I mean when I you would have thought Jesus had come back

Bring everyone salvation because the Gays were just flying everywhere. This Kathy Griffin said it looks like the who in Cincinnati. It was insane. Yeah. My favorite Christmas song is from Home Alone. The somewhere in my memory like like give us a little bar. Give us a little bar. Oh, yes, yes, that is it. Or the first Noel. The most, he's a great singer Clay. Oh, oh, yes, yes, that is it.

Or the first Noel. The most, he's a great singer, Clay Aiken, but it's so hard to listen to him when he sings Christmas music because it's just so, it's the perfect combination of Christian and gay. Yes. Because when he sings Joy to the World, it's Joy to the World. It's like if Michael's arts and crafts made an album. That's it.

Yeah, but he, it's like, I just love the first no while. That's a great song. The first. Give us a little bit of it. Oh, wow. That's beautiful. God, say, give us a little sum for the Stavis world. First annual Mateo sings Christmas special.

We'll do it, next year we'll really do it up even better. Yeah, what's it, what's it? We'll have somebody in a piano, Elvis will be wearing a tuxedo. What's a good Christmas song that I can imagine our listeners they're hiding from their families They're going on a why would they be listening to a podcast on Christmas? They must really not like who they're around so they're they want a little reprieve something to really give them a pep in their step I was like I think of his silent night. Yeah, no, no, we don't want them to kill themselves

They realized that you know the way what, they can't save their marriage. No presence will make up for the fact they were absent the first 10 years of their childhood. I hear you, you know, a version of a sad clonzer coming at town. Ooh, that's a good one. That's a great one. Even the Michael Jackson, like,

sad clonzer coming at town. Oh, the clonzer. That's a classic. That's a classic. Stevie Wonder is so good. Yep. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. How does that go, ding? N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n- That's a classic loop. This Christmas! I don't know the cue cards, give me the words!

That's also a Christmas tradition, is Patti LaBelle. Classic. Fucking the words up. Yeah, dude. Well, I'll just, do we have any Christmas questions here? What do you think? No. Oh, the one last thing.

What we make. We make something for Christmas that's Greek origins. It's a Naples dish from Napoli. It's called Strufoli. Strufoli. And it's fried balls in honey with sprinkles. Yes. Well, Greek origin. Yes.

L'oucumades. That's what you said L'oucumades. L'oucumades. Yes, you said L'oucumades. Looks like it's Strufoli, because I'm sure it's the same thing. Look at the same thing. Yeah. It looks like almost it.

Look up. Strufully. Strufully. Oh yeah, that's the exact same thing. You guys just add sprinkles. That's the most. Copy the homework, but change a little something. Change one answer.

You guys stole our shit so completely. Well, look, and then put a couple little gay sprinkles on there. A little, a little, a little, a little funny ball. This is the Napoli Tano dish made of deep fried balls of sweet dough. The dough is, you pop up off. For the stir, for the dough, the, we could go to Wikipedia to see what the origin is and then we get on the side of the course.

Yes, of course. We've done with this. No, no, no, this is good. Eldis, it was right on the side, you fucking duns. Can I not, I didn't. A small edition to describe our orchestratus. Oh, by a Greek poet. A Greek poet from Gala in Sicily.

It is called Encrese. A Greece, I've never heard. A dough ball fried in olive oil, which is detailed in gastronomy, or work now lost, but partially preserved, alright, who gives a fuck? Yeah, yeah, yeah, time to get all this shit. These are cake, also known as Xylthalphoul. The name is truthfully originally from the Greek word Strangiloss, which means rounded. Really? Interesting.

Well, then why the fuck do we call ours Lucumia? Look up... Look up Lucumia there, and then why the fuck do we call ours? Lucumiya, look up... Look up Lucumiya, and see what the fuck the... Wikipedia has to say. I gotta be honest. Lucma. Yeah, go there. Lucma, what the fuck is this?

Originally in Egypt, what the fuck is this? Are you fucking kidding me? Italian steel ours and you're gonna fucking tell us we stole our stuff from Egypt? It's all next to each other. I guess. Luke Ma means morsel, mouthful, or bite. The dish was known as Luke Ma Alcati or judges morsels. That's what I call my dick.

That's what I call my balls, the judges morsels. In 13th century Arabic cookery books. And the word Luke Ma or Luke Ma bite. So the Turkish name for the dish Luke Ma is 13th century Arabic cookery books and the word lookmower, lookmower by itself. The Turkish name for the dish lookmars derived from the Arabic as is the Greek name Lukumades, fuck that. Bullshit. So controversial.

This is fucking, they've erased us from history. The Italian one gets its own fucking thing, but ours is fucking Egyptian all of a sudden. Yeah, that I actually am, why don't they bring up? Through a fully. This is fucking horseshit. You're dismissing.

You're dismissing. What's the thing? Yeah. Yeah. You motherfuckers put a couple sprinkles on there. Oh, this is pissing me off. Go down. Let's cook, but keep going.

Regional rise, let's go to Greece, please. This is called Lookugumadas. This is the mainstay of Greek cooking, particularly in the south of Greece. There's probably a street food. That's right it is. But is it only, is it Christmas time? Because throughfully it's only done in Christmas time.

We have them all the time. Oh, there are also Hanukkah treats. Wow, this is fucking bullshit. As the name of Lugumadas, the term was also used by Greek Jews, Romaniotes, as the name of the local mothers who call them Sviggi and make them... Sviggi means like Titan, Pontic Greeks who migrated from the Black Sea as a result of a Laus and Conference call them Ci Ricta. Interesting. Exposed. Fuck you.

I don't see a fucking outbane. What's Albanian dessert, dude? More sophisticated. Yeah, right. You did fucking... You put a little powdered sugar on a fucking... on a cow's udder, and then suck the milk out. And that's what you fucking pieces of shit have.

To celebrate this. Yeah. Let's see if it shows up. Hold on. What do we have? Service might be mid back here. That's playing. Oh. Oh Jesus.

This is some shit karaoke. This is some shit karaoke. This is Annie. I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. Just like the ones I used to know. I beat my children Give my belt out and let them know who's boss Where the tree tops glistens and Children listen especially my kids So they bells in the snow This music is so gay.

I'm dreaming. I could have been a singing star in the 30s. I was born the wrong goddamn time. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. For Christmas, I always celebrate. I have Bob and Robert McCall and it cheeses

sterling and tells us about it and red buttons comes over and we have so much fun. Oh, just why do we go? Well, surely we have some questions even if they're not Christmas oriented. You know, the people listening on Christmas, like we said, they're down on, they're down in the dumps, they need, they need help, they have ignored their family, they're by themselves, and we're your family today folks. Spend Christmas with, what a family. Me, me eldest in Mateo, the Southern Baltic, Jesus, been the Italian Albanian Greek alliance. We're here the worst arm ever.

Yeah, don't try and get any logistics done. We're not the people for you, but we're here to sing to you. We're here to solve all your problems. So I'll just let's see what we got here. Interesting. Thank you, Bob, and esteemed to cast. So here's the deal. My mother-in-law sucks. And nobody likes her. I don't think it's long with her.

The way that my wife's family deals with it is that they just put up with her. They just let her act the way she wants to feel. And that doesn't work for me. And so I say things or I push back which does nothing. It just doesn't really work. Paul, we have to say no, we're thinking the same thing. He's a Maleficent actually. Yeah, maybe your mother-in-law's picking up on a little something in the relationship that doesn't

exactly add up. Maybe that's why she doesn't really care for you too much. Hmm, interesting. Face to face with a strong, wild woman, you just have to throw out a little catty comment. You can't let her get away with it. You have to maybe, I don't know, make fun of her shoes. Alright, let's just say you do have a mother-in-law. You are a straight man. We will continue. We will continue the question. I have to say, I think it's we answer. Let's see what the end has to say. This is my mother-in-law she'd go to family camping thing and she said yes and we

went and it was fine but the counselor said that what really needs to happen is that my wife and my mother and my mom need to go and now it's been like eight months and my wife won't go. So what should I do? Should I just drop it? Should I let it? Should I just keep it? keep waiting. Should I ask no I could go the three of us, what should I do? I know you have a challenge relationship with your dad and I hope you can get me some of the tights about my other in life. Well, I would say if you're the kind of person who has no problem maybe hiding things for years, maybe keeping deep secrets, button down. So deep. Yeah, maybe.

I would say just file this under one of those things that you could just let it go and pretend not there. Pretend you have a good relationship with your mother-in-law. Here's what you do. You get another phone that no one knows about. Mm-hmm. Ha-ha-ha-ha- one knows about. Hahaha. Um, okay.

He's basically, this is, I feel like this is an age old problem of the like, the, you're gonna have to just assume he's straight Mateo. Hahaha. Plenty of men talk gay, but aren't. This is kind of crazy to me. Like, who would like go to therapy with their mother and law on their own case? Yeah.

I mean, is that like kind of crazy? I would. Wait, did he go with his mother and wife? Did he see that? I thought he went with both. No, no, no, I thought he went with his wife and the counselor said he has to go. Well, why is the counselor giving her an ultimatum? That seems like a bad counselor.

Wait, I thought he said he played again. Play again, play again. Sorry, we're watching him for his voice. We were listening to his question. It just doesn't really work. Well, here's the thing. I asked my mother-in-law if she'd go to family camping with me and she said yes, we went, and it was fine. But the counselor said that what really needs to happen is that my wife and my mother and my mom need to go. And it's just, it's been like eight months,

and my wife won't go. Wow. What does that mean? That my mother and my wife and mother and my mom need to go. And you need to go where? To family counseling. Family counseling.

Which does make sense. I mean, what the fuck are you really going to get to the bottom of with your mother-in-law the bottom? That's insane. I mean yeah this I'm having a hard time doing the math in my head and this ending up with this Division I think a hard time doing the math in my head and this ending up with this, the Taylor division. And neither one of us are equipped to answer this question. I say we never speak of this again. This is very interesting though.

The fact that he went with his mother-in-law, he broached the subject in a weird way, right? Like he opened, like he kind of called this woman's broche. I'm wearing a broche. He called this woman's bluff, and she went with it, and really his wife is being a coward here. Let's be honest. His wife really is just the coward,

and it's like, she just doesn't want to face her mom. I get, I mean, you know. I like to speak to the mother. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the mother's like, yeah, I'll go. Oh, counseling, is that where a professional gets to, maybe get us to speak very openly and honestly?

Yeah, maybe it's a good idea. Me and you went without Sarah first Maybe we can both get some stuff off our chest Not just come Yeah, sorry, that's really a small mind. That's okay. That's okay. No, no That's what the show I mean, are you familiar with the show? The studio audience approves. Yeah. I mean, what would you do if your wife just wouldn't go

to counseling with, you know, their awful parents? I just wish Bobby Kelly said it was him. Yeah. I wish she just left his name. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Also now, it's like fucking cigar-sponsored. I know. Bobby Kelly. Even though it was months ago. Yeah, it was months fucking cigar strong. I know. He telly.

Little butt was months ago. Yeah, it was months ago. It was on Thanksgiving. But it really lingers folks in the studio. You would make anything, doesn't he? He does look great. I love that. He's the best.

His goatee looks awesome. He's real. I mean, you could, let's set the over under for cheating. When you lose 150 pounds of girl goatee all of a sudden. That's not the facial hair of a man that's not planning on getting side pussy. Yeah dude, I don't know about this. I mean, it's just like, this isn't your bad.

You've sort of already kind of overstepped in a way that like, if your wife was good, look, if you wanna tell her to go and you wanna encourage her, that's fine, but like you've really already done everything you can do and even kinda calling the mom's bluff, you're more, everyone else in this family is kind of a coward. I do think it's probably important for your wife to go. I do think she clearly can't face her mother

and maybe she just needs to take steps to get to that point, whether that's going to therapy and talking about it. Like, what's her situation here? Um, I will sell a serious answer. I do think when you get married, you are essentially stepping out and starting your own family and other family members have to respect that they're not going to garner the same amount of attention that they once have before because your focus is on the family you're trying to start. It does sound like there's a lot of times parents wedge

themselves in between their children's relationships because they're egotistical about it. They don't want to be the center of that person's life and it's like you gotta back off. Right. Italian women. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, you can only do so much

and if your wife doesn't want to face this, dude, you might have to just let it go and maybe gently push your towards figuring it out, but also on some level, life is kind of short and it's like, I'm somebody who's trying to figure out all the problems with my family, I'm trying to get over it and it's like, it's a lot of fucking work. And then a certain point, I'm gonna who's trying to figure out all the problems with my family, I'm trying to get over it, and it's like, it's a lot of fucking work. And then a certain point, I'm gonna stop trying.

And then a certain point, it's like, you kinda have to make do with where it is. It's like, well, I'm gonna be going to fucking, I'm gonna be 40 years old, trying to get, like, trying to make my family admit they've made mistakes. They get a certain point. You can't. People are who they are.

You have to make the best of it. My therapist says to me, is like, you know, when I've had issues with family members, he was like, because I say, I want this, I want respect to one of the time. He's like, that's like asking someone in a wheelchair to stand up. Yeah.

You just have to, this is the way they are. And so you can say to your family, like, this is what I offer. And then that's it. I can't offer anymore because I can't fix you people. You have to take the responsibility off your shoulders. So do what you can. You've seen what you've done enough

and the balls kind of in your wife's court and if she doesn't want to do it, then maybe you guys just kind of have to settle in here and look, most of the world doesn't like their mother-in-law. It feels like a fucking, it feels like a classic trope.'t like their mother-in-law it feels like a fucking it feels like a classic classic trope you like your mother-in-law mm-hmm yeah she's nice very nice hola all right Eld hit us with another one

hey stop eldest get love you guys so I am pretty young got married not too long ago. My wife and I are relationships the best it's ever been right now. Getting right to the point, she has a friend and they're pretty close and now me and my friend are getting pretty close. A friend's a female and I feel like if I try real hard. I damn it. I could Convince them to like have a three-way. I think it'd be great I'm not quite sure How to go about it exactly

I'm trying to Google like how to get my wife to agree to a three-way friend Google this not too much there So I wanted to see what you guys had. If you could help me out, I would appreciate it. Thanks both. God damn. Straight man. It's hilarious. This really is like,

Loan me away. The rage is the best it's ever been. I'm the happiest I've ever been. Now how do I fuck it up? Now how could I lose everything I've have everything I've worked for and hold dear cuz her friend is polite cuz they're friends just this is like man the this waiters wants to fuck me I think wow can I get can this shripper does this shripper want to date me do all straight men

assume that people want to fuck them it's's not that they assume, it's that every time you're around a hot girl, whether you like it or not, there's a little mathematician in your head trying to figure out the equation that leads to you fucking them. You know, and it's like a lot of times you'll be like, sorry man, we got nothing. Just a chalkboard.

It'll be like a lot of a rafederminer. I can't prove. I'm sorry. I can't prove. I'm sorry, it's just not possible. That's most of the time you have an exasperated little mathematician that's like, you can't fuck this hot woman. You're a two-fugged fat. Or whatever, right?

There is no mathematician found. It's just an open door. Yeah, it's a glory hole. Yeah, yeah. It either you put just dick in or not. And you know, either way. I don't think the answering the question here should be about how to figure out a given with three sum.

The question should be like, is this adding to your life? Because- Well, well, even that, is this even a possibility in any way, shape or form? Is your wife ever mentioned being by, her or her and her friends ever hooked up, has your wife ever mentioned possibly even when you were even when you were dating

and you were being freakier and like, everyone's kind of a little, you know, whatever, has it ever come up even once in general? That's step one. If he's googling and then leaving you a message. She's not showing him any signs of being by. If he's googling and then leaving you a message She's not showing him any signs of being by. Well, that's what if there are no signs if all that's going on here is my wife is friends with a hot girl I'd like to fuck and you have been like well

I she's nice to me too. Maybe I can fuck both of them then you should not pursue this what so ever You don't have the sauce you don't have the juice. That's not how these things work, bro. Is it less likely for straight guys, like a few wives, like I want to threesome, but with another guy, is that a less likely scenario or are there guys who are like, fine, I'll do it? Um, that's crazy, I would never do that.

Really? I'm just not interested in that at all. But there are people that would, now that you've to hook up with them, but he's just sort of there I don't want to got a fuck my wife. I gotta be honest. That's not right. That's just not now less offensive If it's like a woman with a woman for some reason. I think Well look if a who there were there are plenty of women who are like men are dangerous They're there are plenty of women who are like I don't want another woman to fuck my husband, right? There's plenty of women, there's plenty of very straight women

that won't do that, but there's a, I just, this pure anecdotal evidence, it just feels like more women are by or at least like buying, or at least maybe, maybe there's plenty of men that aren't have some buy thoughts, but just are so uncomfortable with them that they would never have said. I think it's more so that women have us hang up about expressing themselves and straight men do. But I will say like I've been in three sums before

and it's not, I'm not in love with it. There's a lot of work. Absolutely. And it's like to me, like to try and to please this person and that person and myself, it's just it's so, the idea of it sure it's hot. Yeah. But then with there's too many hands. Yeah. and that person and myself, it's just it's so, the idea of it sure, it's hot. But then there's too many hands.

Yeah. It's really not the right. It can go wrong. It's just, what it is to me is that you are raising the ceiling of the sexual experience. It could be way better than just one on one, but you're also lowering the floor way down. But I also think it's way worse.

A threesome should be with someone that's really not in your life. A threesome should be someone like, that's a great, we haven't even gotten into that part of this. Right. The premise is so ridiculous that we haven't even actually begun breaking down all the ways, even if this was possible that it would be a mistake.

But yes, that's, that's very true. Like, here's the thing, buddy, if your wife was kind of by, or she showed any interest in a threesome, or she brought it up ever, you don't start with her fucking best friend. No. That's fucking crazy. Because then she's like,

oh, so you're looking at my best friend? It's the same thing, dude. You're so out of your depth here, it's insane. This ends, this does not end good in any way, Shabberform. Very few people could pull this off, and it would take very specific, like a franchise. Tamos can pull this off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, notice the last color, his problem was with another woman, but it was a mother-in-law. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, dude, I. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's how life works. And unless your wife is really into it, and you look, here's the thing, even if your wife was really into it, you would have to be very selective

and very like, you would have to take things slow, because that can fuck up a relationship. Like, you know, you could really overdo, like one moment where you're too into the other girl or whatever, it's like, that's so complicated with, like three times when you're casually having sex can be complicated. Let alone with your wife and her fucking friend,

you fucking idiot. You're so out of your depth here. I would love to talk to this guy. If we could get him on a live show, that would be great. When you do me a live show, I wanna come. We do live shows sometimes where they call in on Discord and we actually talk to them. It's fantastic.

So we'll have you on one day for that. Yeah, that would be for that. Yeah, absolutely, we'd love to. So I'd love to talk to this guy, but for right now, this is such insanity, I can't even, like, why you have, and the best part is, the only reason even has this level of confidence

that thinking you can pull this off is because his wife has built him up. That is the great irony of when men want to cheat. It's like, I've known this for myself, not that I've ever exactly cheated, but when you're like, in a casual relationship, and a woman is giving you attention, then you're like, then I'm like,

whoa, I can get more pussy from other girls now because I believe in myself. And you're just a piece of shit who's taking it back. You're just converting the energy a woman has put into you instead of burdening it back in the relationship, you're trying to use it to fuck somebody else. That's right, that's right. God, I need to talk to this guy.

He's so fucking wrong, it's crazy. I think I can do one more and then I got a day Stavvy and that Albanian prince you got in the back Man, I just been going through it lately and Figured why not my favorite comedies probably help me out. That's right buddy. Why do you? Man, just like to just man probably help me out. That's right, buddy. Right up through you.

Man, just like to just man, having been feeling my going on days, but I want to be with a girl, but I haven't been feeling my putting energy out. Doing all that, and then I have a great job at a price and so on me, but a big electric car company and they treat you like a fucking piece of shit there and we're getting paid less than one or most of these other places and I'm wondering you know I must if I need to dig out the name what company this could possibly be I have an idea but no no, no, I couldn't be. Hey, hey, just not work there anymore.

Just because I'm working there for a name, it appears now because I'm making less than all the other guys, but I get to tell everyone, hey, I work at blanks, but I don't mean, feeling like I should go on a manic episode, quit my job, do it often, Texas or somewhere. No, no. Why do you end up doing drugs?

I didn't really offer her, her ask any questions, but what does somebody do when they feel just stuck in life? I have an answer for those. When they're fucking tired of their job, and they're tired of living, and they're tired of all the shit. Is it time? Do to bite the brass bullet.

I think he's hinting at Pablo Suicide. You're great. You don't need to do that. He's just, buddy, I love you too. You're just depressed, bro. I have everything he's saying. I have felt so many times in my life. You are just down in the dumps depressed.

And I want to tell you, going even lower feels like the right thing to do. You do not want to do it. Because you will have to, you will feel exactly how you feel now, but with all your money gone, maybe an STD and like an addiction. And that you just have to climb out of a, you're basically talking about maybe digging a bigger hole

because it feels better to do it really fast. This is something that I think a lot of people go through when you realize you've just been playing the game of following the sort of script that life offers you. It's go to school, get a degree, drink with your friends, get a job, work the job, go on dates, and no one in that time has said, what are you interested in doing? And I think that people look at comedians or other people who sort of went off the beat

and path and took the risk essentially. But there are things, like even if your interests are small, photography, video games, whatever, there is another community out there for you that you can start to actually nourish the things that you enjoy doing in life. I mean, that's all comedy was, for sure. It's not that we started doing it, we're like, I'm gonna become a star,

but it was being involved with the community doing shows because the only money we were paid back then was the respect of the other comics in the back of the room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was you slowly build yourself up with other people in a community with common interests. It just sounds like he's bored. He doesn't even sound depressed.

He sounds bored. But there's gotta be something out there that he likes doing. Doesn't matter what it is. Yeah, no, I agree with you. I think he sounds depressed to shit. But I think that boredom no, I agree with you. I just, I think he sounds depressed, the shit. But I think that boredom has something to do with it. I think it's like, I think this is what,

this is going back to your like, straight guys can't talk directly. If we were going on a side to side walk, I think he would seem a lot more depressed. He's hiding how depressed he is under the guise of boredom is what it feels like. Right. And I'm fully with you though,

where it's like, there was so much more to life than work, you know what I mean? And so if you're at this place, right? And you thought, here's kind of what he's up against too. He's working at this prestigious, this prestigious place that has a big name, recognition, whatever. And he thought, I mean, I've felt this too,

where it's like, I've accomplished things this year where I'm like, well, when that happens, I'll be happy. Sure. And guess what? You're not happy, right? And you have a version of that where you're like, you're like, I'm working at this place. Wait, the money's actually not good. They overworked me. And you thought by being, you know, involved with that name, you would have some kind of legitimacy, something you're realizing that's not how life works. And that name, you would have some kind of legitimacy something. You're realizing that's not how life works. And my advice to you would be, fuck that place, use your qualifications

to get a job at a place that pays you a real rate and doesn't overwork you. And then do a Mateo said, which is like, find something that makes you happy that like, that becomes your reason. Work is just to sustain yourself. You've realized, you've ruined that the hard way. This dream job that happens to a lot of people, you accomplish what you thought was going

to happen, didn't change shit and in fact made you more, in fact took joy out of your life. Start living for fucking joy and you will feel like going on dates, doing other stuff when you feel better. And I think there's a lot, and reinvest in yourself, right like speaking personally I went through a version of this where I'm so happy with all the success this year It's been fucking crazy, but I've been overworked and I have not felt good for large stretches of it

And I I was gonna go on tour for the beginning of next year and I decided to push everything back So that I could take a lot of time off and work on my own shit, right? Well, that's psych, you know, with that spending time with my family more, getting back more into my health, which has like been destroyed on the road, all this stuff. I'm taking some time to work on a couple of those things, and then hopefully I think like that'll make me feel better, and that will then just make the rest of my life better too. My work better, my personal life has been completely unhold while I'm working all this stuff. And I think focusing on yourself, finding a setup that helps you do that, all these films will go away. Shake it up a little bit.

New job is a shake up. If you want to move to a new city, maybe move to a new city, but I think finding something you love that realizing it won't come from work, and then finding it in an activity that you can, and then community just adds on to that when you see other people that you like at those things, that, you know, that's a big, that's a big, like, kind of happiness,

you know, multiplier, whatever. And I think that's really it, dude. You realize like this job is not solving the problems. It's creating a problem. Find a job that sustains you and sustains a hobby and sustains you and sustains a hobby and sustains you in a lifestyle that you like. Because you just don't like your lifestyle right now. And I think taking steps to change that, that's the solution. And also it feels good.

It feels good when you make those changes and you're just like, now I'm- Because I respect yourself. Exactly. And right now it sounds like you're not respecting yourself because you know the subjects of all this is everyone's making decisions for me And I feel I have no control of my life, but I feel enforced in this situation

Yeah, and so extreme situation I'm gonna move here. I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do that it doesn't actually solve anything and it's like yeah Like we know matter where you're living like life is still life. Yeah, it doesn't change anything So yeah, I think you're right. I think it's like investing in yourself as legitimately the only way out of that whole. 100%. So yeah, dude, your depressed as hell start working on yourself leave the job that makes you feel like shit and work for yourself and you'll be much better off. And even though eldest knew this was the last question we were going to do and the Mateo had to leave, he decided he couldn't hold his piss 30 more seconds and he's laughing in the fucking bathroom we can

hear him so I guess we're just gonna have to vamp oh nice get the flush in there you fucking idiot we're literally ending the episode right now I'm gonna let it mellow, but they go all right. Well, Mateo, thank you so much for coming. You got to you got to run Thank you. Thank you for having me here. Of course. It's so good to see you. It's great to see you real hang way more We'll put you all out anytime you want to come a live show. We'd love to have you. I will be there And yeah, enjoy Christmas everyone. We hope you're having a good time And we will we will be back. We have, I think, I think we're planning on doing a,

our year end live call show will actually be a catch up. We're trying to get people to update us on who we've had. Like Shark Tank, Shark Tank updates. Yeah, the updates. We're trying to do an episode like that. So hopefully that's coming at you either next week or next week. But either way, Merry Christmas.

Hope you're having a wonderful time. Watch Mateo's special. Watch my special. And we'll see you next week. Bye-bye. Ciao. Tchau!