Stavvy's World - #78 - Rachel Feinstein

Episode Date: May 27, 2024

Rachel Feinstein returns to the pod to discuss her new Netflix special BIG GUY, her aunt's desire to smell meat at the grocery store, nosy neighbors, old fashioned plumbers, young love, and much more. Rachel and Stav help callers including a woman whose mom confessed her secret boyfriend to her, and a teacher wondering if he should ask out a colleague over email. Download the Gametime app, create an account, and use code STAVVY for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. More info at https://www.gametime.co/ Watch Rachel Feinstein's special BIG GUY out now on Netflix: https://www.netflix.com/title/81691534 Follow Rachel Feinstein on social media: https://rachel-feinstein.com/ https://instagram.com/rachelfeinstein_ https://twitter.com/rachelfeinstein https://www.youtube.com/user/RachelFeinstein https://www.facebook.com/people/Rachel-Feinstein/100044323905103/ Unlock exclusive, Patreon-only episodes at https://www.patreon.com/stavvysworld Wanna be part of the show? Call 904-800-STAV and leave a voicemail to get advice!

Welcome everybody to Stavi's World 904 800 stuff. Call in, we'll solve all your problems. We have Rachel Feinstein here today. Feinstein. Feinstein? She's just doing a little fingering. Thank you, that's awesome. That is the kind of spirit. So wait, wait, Stein. Is there ever a how do we ever know if it's Stein or Steen as a as a Gentile? How do how can I ever know you for a long time?

Well, I know I don't. I want to find out your name. I would want to roll down on that journey. I honestly believe in my head, that is very fair point that we have been friends for years now. I always thought it was like interchangeable. It was like a how you're feeling that day kind of thing. No, honestly, I don't care at all. I just feel like it's such a heinous name.

Like what's the difference at that point? You're not gonna find it in porn. You know, like there's now like Susan Weintraub's in porn for a reason. My name has never done me any favors. Like if a guy was setting up with a girl and he was like, do you want to meet this girl?

Her name is Rachel Feinstein. You'd be like, she sounds annoying. Point it out to you at the party. Like, let's not jump ahead. It's not good. Yeah. It's the woman standing directly under the AC vent complaining it's too

cold in here. That's who the name feels like it's going to be. Whoa. How did I get here? And why do I have the sudden urge to tell you about my favorite ticketing app Game Time? That's right, Game Time folks. Take the guesswork out of buying concert tickets with Game Time. Download the Game Time app. Create an account and use code STABBY for 20 bucks off your first purchase. Terms apply. Again, create an account and redeem code STAVVY for 20 bucks off your first purchase. Terms apply. Again, create an account and redeem code STAVVY

for 20 bucks off your first purchase. Download GameCon today. Last minute tickets, lowest prices, guaranteed. Hey, will you? All right, that's just my, the only thing I, name I can think of less sexy than that is my great aunt's name. Everybody stop coming for a second.

Just hold your dicks. Yeah, yeah. Edith Schneider. Eat it Schneider. Like just, dear God. That is rough terrain. And I like it too because it's still pretty like fat. Like I thought it was gonna be a real long, lot of syllables.

Eat it Schneider. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, she has the largest underwear you've ever seen in your life. She used to hang them in the back. She lived in Queens. She would hang her underwear in the back, like on a clothing line.

And she would be like, I always put it there. And there's a marvelous, he's a gay fella that works for me. And he does it just right. He gets my panties the way I like them. And he ears them out. This guy, if he didn't like women before, you know

Yeah, can you imagine just fucking hang his job was to wash old lady panties I think that was part of his job Yeah, I guess he did her like laundry like he was like a housekeeper Just dried out Yes, what's going on here? Again, stop coming at home. Are pirates about to set sail? Are they preparing? Are they washing their sail? Where's Captain Hook?

Also, she had, my aunt had a, if she was the most single person I've ever met, she like, no, never even, no man even approached her in her life. Nobody even like winked at her. She was just, she was a heinous woman. God bless her soul. But she believed that you should be,

she became obsessed with the fact that you should be able to open meat in like flushing or wherever she lived and give it a sniff before you purchase it. And she talked about this all the time. Mm-hmm and give it a sniff before you purchase it Angry that's what happens. You should be able to open meat and give it a good sniff I should be able to open sausages. What if they're rancid? That's what happens if you don't get any dick. Eventually, it's like...

Yeah, you get furious about things like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that's all you got. All that energy goes to shit like that. Right, yeah. Wow, poor girl. She wrote so many letters to Consumer Affairs, and she proudly told everybody this.

I wrote to Bess Meyerson, and I said I should be able to open meat and meat pies at the store stiff them Before I know the thing is I sort of see where she's coming from You know, it's like in a perfect world. We would be able to get a sniff, but that's not reality What's how to send let's figure this out? How does it work? You got the guys got to come back? You don't want it. The guys got to rewrap it I don't understand nobody wants meat after my Edith Schneider snouts in it

once she's snouted it out who's gonna watch her mitts on it no you do not want that that's not fair yeah you don't want that and that meat pie goes to who? the birds yep makes sense birds would turn it down after after you eat it. I had a nice whiff.

Wow. What's snout rake you can't resell meat. She said that's the name of my nong laow snout rake. Snout rape. She goes I wrote to her every day and I said this isn't right and I was very tireless about it And this was part of the speech she gave me about like sticking to your dream Was she just basically harassed the head of consumer affairs for like 11 years? I love it because she had never even touched a dick

And then I and I did get the law changed where you are now able. And there's a clause she claims. Who on earth area of Washington? Yeah, yeah. She wore this woman down. Alderman down. There's a two by four block in deep Queens where you are allowed to smell chicken breast and certain points and other forms of poultry. But it doesn't extend to red meat.

That's as far as she could go. So she was, was that, is she the only like spinster ant in the mix or? There was apparently, there was three ants. There was Edith again, everybody just keep, if you know what, forget, stop eating off, keep eating off. Yeah. There was Edith, Helen and Roslyn,

and apparently they didn't speak with Helen anymore. But Edith and then Edith and my grandma stopped speaking Roslyn because of some sort of argument over like a dish at Hanukkah. It's so dumb. This is how my family is. Like just not even not even argument. Like that's it. I hope that bitch gets cancer.

Like it's over forever. And they both sounded exactly alike and they would call me and they're like, do you know who this is? And I'm like, I have no idea. Like, it could be either one of them. And they're like, she's a terrible bitch. And my grandma, she's an awful bitch.

Do you know that she insulted my marvelous dishware and she called it heinous? And so I do hope she dies from something particularly gangrenous. So that was it. My family. Nobody spoke to me. They were like some dumb ass shit. And that's on your mom's dad's side. My dad's side. My mom's it's all like wasps and everybody's just kind of like pursed.

And yeah, their feelings are down. Everything's pushed down. You eat over the feeling. Everyone was molested. I see. Yeah. Oh, interesting. So your dad, your mom.ested. I see. Yeah. Oh, interesting. So your your mom, I didn't realize your mom was a wasp. My mom converted to Judaism. Wow. So she was like, that's how powerful, by the way, the how Jewish your father's side of the family is was just like, there's no way to be around these people

and not also become Jewish. It's usually everyone I know is like it's it goes to their mom's side. So I didn't realize that. So so like you have to convert. But some people believe it has to be with an Orthodox rabbi. I mean, I don't know. My mom convert. I feel with the name Rachel Feinstein, like I've done my time. Yeah, for sure. For sure.

But there was not a moment that I met you that I was like, this is not a Jewish person. Not in a bad way, not in a Schneider, not in an Ethel Schneider way. Because I'm a big fan of, you know, listen, anybody who grows up on the East Coast and becomes a comedy fan, it's like half the people that you're obsessed with from the age of 10 are all Jewish.

Like, I was stoked to go to Bar Mitzvah. I was like, let's see what the fuck these are about. So the Greeks in general, are they fond of the Jews or no? Next question. Do you have any thoughts on that? No. No. No.

Did your mom grow up and tell you that we could smoke coins from over 70 miles away or something like that? Not my mom, but my grandma. No, but truly. I would love to know some sort of Greek fable about the Jews. I mean, I put the joke in my special. So forgive me for I for just repeating it, you know.

But it is true where my we were reading. I said I think in the joke, I said it was a it was a movie, but we were reading some like books because my my grandma grew up in like North really northern Greece. And we were just like my parents. My mom tried to like, when we were younger, really keep our like culture with all types of Greek stuff going.

So she would like read to us from Greek books, even when we were like 10 or 11, and like my grandma would talk about shit. Like my grandma survived World War II, like her family was, they fled the Nazis because her dad was a communist. So it was like, she actually did flee with some Jews like to get out of Greece but then as soon as she got here she took a shower no no she was it was more of a like all right I

guess you guys can listen when we get to Bulgaria we're both leaving but. She wasn't a fan with two choose. Let's not overstate it. Yeah. But then she's reading this book about a different like, these were these Greek people in like, I think they were Russia, I don't know, they're called Pontic. And we're reading this book and it's from the perspective of this woman who's talking about how silly it was, like all the crazy things they used to believe. And she's talking about all these like, you know, old folk tales. And one of the things she's talking about is how she can't believe that, you know, you know, we used to think that on Passover, my mom would shut us in the house

and not let us, even though we liked our Jewish neighbors, we knew that on Passover, they have to abduct a child and drink its blood. I'm not even kidding. And in the book, in the book, the lady's like saying this, like, I can't believe all the shit we used to think. And we're all laughing. We're like, what the fuck? Like, we're like 10 to, I'm 13, my brothers are 10.

We're dying. We're like, are you fucking kidding? The whole family is cracking up like they believe this shit. My grandma's just looking confused like she's Like what's the just she's like is this The funniest thing but I mean if you do read like when I get bored and I shouldn't do this But when I'm trying to avoid like work or writing, I Googled Jews control the media because there's some of the funniest stuff you've ever read. That's what I always do when I'm like,

I need to write, I should, don't start Googling Jews control the media again. But it's some of the funniest things you've ever read, like what they think Jews are up to. And it was also used as like a foreshadowing technique in novels, like Russian novels, to say that somebody was bad. They'd be like, it was said that he had a Jew cousin in the north that's how you begin to realize

a character might be on the dark side it's not like you're not automatically like they're not you're not automatically arrested when you hear that about someone but they're like that now you got to you got to keep your eyes peeled that's right. Who knows? But so and then my it was so funny and then we're all laughing we're like And and it's like we think there's some kind of language barrier or something She's missing something and we're explaining it there were like go isn't this funny? They think Jews drink blood and she's like whoa But but she said it but the fuck truly I say this is a joke, but it's so true

She the way she said it was like we were being like judgmental of Jews she's like hey everybody's got their thing sure literally it was like that where she thought Jews literally were like blood sucking creatures but she stills like I have some Jewish friends we get along like that was her take which is in the most insane take their monsters you should be anti-semitic, but my grandma was like no they're monsters, but they're you know, they're cool people You say that things like that to you that's a smack they kind of like they always do sort kind of say it like they're They're cool with it. Like we know you're up to these things, but it's okay Yeah, there are there's a type of anti-semite that has like a reverence for it

They're like they figure like look your God told you to do that. I got it like if my God told me to go Well, yeah, you know like kill a hooker. I would it does the white try the voices in my head Keep telling me to strangle the the next blonde woman I see But there is something some racists. It's funny. They have like it's almost like it's almost like two athletes Like a look an athlete that loses to a better competitor They have that they have that opinion towards Jews where they're like look you gotta hand it to them We're trying to win our race is trying to win too, but these people they got low numbers They knew how to get into the banks in the media

We're over here just trying to work hard every day and listen to Jesus But they knew get the lizard people I could make allies with them and they do it's like it's the very funny Marvelously hilarious Really racist and really anti-semitic is the funniest shit you've ever read It's a fucking roller coaster of hilarity, all of it. Yeah, but Greek people overall, I remember like, I mean, I just, it is funny when you when you grow up and everyone is racist and then you're like, hey, what the hell? I remember going to, I went to, in my neighborhood, you know, it was Greek town.

It was still pretty Greek and pretty ethnic and pretty shitty, I mean we're talking Baltimore City in the 90s, it was a shitty elementary school. And every, not every, but a lot of the people there were fuckin', a lot of people that now I don't, like friends of their parents were like, half the people were so weird and racist.

And I remember like going to like public school and then being like, wait, these black kids are way smarter than those fucking idiots at my last school. And then I was like, wait, wait a second. Are you telling me John Genopoulos, the plumber who fucking lives in his father-in-law's basement, isn't exactly right about the other races.

I was like, that's crazy. I was like, wait a second, he's pretty fucking stupid too. And there is like a cloud lifts where you're like, oh, and you're like 11, you're like, huh, I never need to fucking talk to those people ever again. They were wrong about everything wild moron and it was long It was great cuz I felt like once I got there I was like, ah, everybody's smart as shit I could just and honestly realizing that made me just be like I'm just gonna be the class clown Everyone's smarter than me cuz in my dumb elementary school

I was the smartest one and then you go to an act, you know You go to like a real middle school where like the kids you know no half the lesson isn't to I remember that guy who I used a fake name barely his big lessons were like stay away from gamblers homosexuals, and listen, it's not like black people were high on his list either. That was almost like, that went without saying, you know what I mean? But gamblers, homos, and Jews, they can hide amongst us. That was his like big takeaway. I had a guy pick me up at the airport once and this guy was like, he said, where are

you from? And I said, New York City. He goes, I drove a tractor pick me up at the airport once and this guy was like He said where you from and I said New York City goes I drove a tractor through downtown No sense there's a real like supply and demand issue with that part of the story It was crawler with Jews. They was all out celebrating their holiday roaches shown and anyway He said it like it was the most terrifying shown. And then he went, he said it like it was the most terrifying campfire story that had ever been told. And then he went on to talk about it. He was like, I heard there's as many homos there as can congregate in the town squares, let's them. And I always think about a sentence cause it's an absolutely doesn't make sense. You could read it every which way and I can't even begin to think what he thought was going on in the town square.

There's as many homos there can congregate as the town square lets them. It's a terrific sentence. That is awesome. That is awesome. And we live together now. And where is town square? Times Square? Is that what he means?

Because you could fit a lot of homosexuals. I mean, how many months you meant Times Square? You could, yeah, you could. You could fit. I mean, look, some might argue that's how, maybe that's how gay people, that's why they started the New Year's Eve thing. Because you're like, let's get some numbers on how many people can fit. And that's how that's the that's the amount of gay people out of New York.

Pile up all the games. We'll take a census. And then we'll know that's the amount that we get to fucking suck each other in the park. I dated this guy, this Russian guy once and his one time his parents were very racist. And one time I came home and his mom was weeping. I went over to the house, weeping in the kitchen. He said, my mom's really upset. I said, why?

And he's like, it's just somebody my cousin's dating that she didn't prove of. And I went in there and she's like, she's a good girl, Rachel. She does this mom is not even dark. It's like blue black. Oh my God. She was weeping about this.

Can you imagine? Like in Mourn, wild moron. Like she would weeping about this. Can you imagine? Like in mourning, kind of wild moron. Like she would have been, she would have been more understanding if her daughter had committed vehicular manslaughter. Yes. Like she would have supported her way more if she'd killed someone in a car.

She was crying over a sink like she just had a miscarriage. It was that kind of like moaning, you know? Just cause this guy, her fucking niece was standing like a black doctor. It's fantastically funny. Yeah, it's tough because everything that's stupid, you just want to laugh and then you're like, ah, it does seem like they're picking up a little steam right now. Yeah, no, I know. People don't really believe that kind of shit.

My mom is warning me about like so many things. She's always like, don't talk about that on stage right now. Because, you know. I did something with the cross, this thing, because it's like a bit I did in my special about how I don't know how to do the cross. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And my mom was like, do not do the tongue cross when you're in Alabama. I don't know how many shoes there are per capita there. She said per capita. Yeah. By the way, you gotta hand it to a white woman, a wasp, that then converts to Judaism so that she can complain about being a minority.

That is honestly some high white woman Olympics right there. That's like- And her name's Karen. Yeah. Oh, Karen finds- finds she's so angry about it. She still yells at me about it. She's like, you know, you knew about the damn Karen thing. She's so angry about that. Yeah. She just, she had a father that was like, you know, if you had an opinion at the dinner table, you were called like a commie rat or something.

She went like way the other way, you know, like she majored African history with a minor in black studies like she just... and my mom's almost almost racist the other way like where like yeah like my my mother-in-law is Colombian and you could just see every time my mom's talking to my mother-in-law she's just like I'm I'm talking to a co- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! And she just loves it so much. The smile on her, on a white woman's face when she's like talking to a minority and you're like, they're like trying to keep it bae something accidentally racist.

But it's always lurking. It's just always around the dark corner. Yeah, something like playing, why don't you play some of that, your music is so beautiful. It's like, it's almost tribal. It's primal, like the kind of music a chit, nevermind. It does get close.

I know, I know, I know. My mom loves to remind me that whenever I say I'm on my way to the Comedy Cellar and she calls, she'll be like, you know, did I tell you that there's a marvelous gay couple that lives in the West Village, Greenwich Village, and they used to go to our congregation, his name is Art and his partner, and they're just very fun and kind of funky grunge. I'm like, there's nothing to the story except that you know two gay people in New York.

No other, you have to have other facets, have to be present to have a story. It's not a story. No, it's not a story. A lot of our stories are like that. No other you have to have other Lot of stories are like that like there's not even the most basic ingredients for a story here all there is is just you know Of a gay you like to think about knowing a gay also nobody says partner anymore That's what you said like before I know it was still like a little more like shuns more partners now is like two white Bisexuals that are a man and a woman call each other partner You know what I mean? Like it's not gay people don't even say it anymore anymore fucking boyfriend Partners ancient also partner always immediately makes me imagine them sexually and there's something about partners that I'm just all of a sudden

I'm imagining like my head is like a flip book of just like insane positions yeah partner means this guy fucks my ass interesting i guess that's where guys brains work every day is just like every time they see a girl they just like there's quick like flip book oh yeah being punished and just um for a second ferociously slam rotted it it doesn't get that i don't i speaking from experience it's not that crazy but it is like uh you just you can't help it your brain does an audit of would you fuck this person or not? And it's like, ding, yes, would fuck and then keep moving.

You know, you keep it moving. Oh, you just so you just clock to yourself, like whether you'd like to be inside them or not. Yeah, pretty much. And by the way, it doesn't get graphic unless it's someone right on the line. You know, like if someone's obviously hot, you're like, yeah, of course. And you don't imagine fucking them. If somebody's ugly, you're like, well, no, of course not But if someone's like you can't tell then you get real graphic and you're like that's fascinating So like if they're on the cusp of being high you gotta do your due diligence around and just like

Bounce them like a basketball Is this true to you too, Um, yeah, I think so. It's like what's going on under that boxy sweater kind of thing. Sort of need some info to take you over the fence one way or the other. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to do scenarios. You know what I mean? Like I wonder if it's because like if a girl's kind of on the fence hot,

it's like she's trying to be so she's tricking you. She's a naughty little whore up to her old tricks who deserves to be punished. Ooh, that's true. Slam-rotted proper. If she's doing any trying, I think it's in an automatic yes in these scenarios. Because you're not actually gonna fuck them. This is really just, and this isn't even like,

this isn't even like front of brain. No, it's just a quick like, mm-mm. It's like, yeah. Yeah. It's like, you don't even control it. Yeah, no, I know. I think that's I've seen women before that are like extremely hot where I could see for a second.

Like if I talk to a really hot woman, I think about what it would be like to be a guy talking to her. I'm not attracted to women, but I could see how it must be very distracting where like, I feel like when when when guys try to get and then when they say real dumb things I feel like when men try to get laid it must feel like a video game like where shit gets in the way but you're just yeah tunneling towards ass like she said this dumb shit like yeah keep it sort of disassociating and just trying to like get through it and pushing annoying things kept keep coming like I this drawbridge drawbridge and I have to fucking give this gold coins to this whole thing. But then in the end I'll be like just knee deep in some fresh puss or whatever.

Well I wouldn't even say I wouldn't even think it's that I'm a mother. Yeah. Yeah. I agree with you that there is something there's something to that. But I think it's more like it's kind of like remember, remember if you ever saw Lord of the Rings where they kind of go through Schmiegel's backstory and he starts as a regular man and then he becomes the precious guy. That was too good.

You know what I mean? The first minute you're talking to an incredibly hot woman, you're just a regular human being, and then there's the glimmer of the like ring of like, which is maybe she will fuck you. Yeah, if you get that glimmer, then it's like, you're slowly turning into this monster into seeing less and less. Less and less humanity and just being like, Can I get pussy? Like one of Pete's firefighter buddies was over the other day.

And I asked him if he went to this, we were talking about this gym, and he said, he goes, Oh, I don't go there because there's too many girls. I can't while I work out. You know, he's distracted. I thought it was so funny. Just that that's hilarious. Like finish this workout. Next level.

We're I'm being facetious. But for a guy to be like, it's a great gym. The it's a good deal, it's got all the equipment I need, but I just can't focus when there's pussy around. Like he's a baby. And he said it like it was the most polite statement. He's like, oh, I'm not able to go to that gym

because unfortunately, there's humans I want to be inside of there. Which is the same thinking that leads to full body hijabs, just to be clear. Yes, for sure. That is like, that is like, that is the, it's not the dog's fault if the meat bowl is uncovered and it gets into it.

No, it's our naughty little idea to be a fucking devious slut and fucking parade our kids around and taunt people with them. Speaking of which, one of my neighbors, he always looks at me like, they're like, any super religious people always just look at me like I'm just such a disgusting disgusting uppity slut

Is there something in your the way you perceive them potentially Religious person looks at you like you're an uppity slut. No, maybe uppity is the right word. That's fair. But slut is to be clear. You're like uppity is not. Uppity was the one you had a problem with. Your your neighbor who knows you're a married mother looks at you as an uppity slut. They're very religious. And one time and the guy never speaks to me, doesn't say anything.

And then so one time I got out of this Uber and he's always just glares at me like all my goings on, like all my traveling. He's probably just like, what a fucking devious little slut taking trips like this. And so he's always kind of disgusted and glaring. And then one time I was like coming back from Dubai and he never spoke to me. Like oftentimes I'm like, hey, and he just,

he's old enough and like some sort of foreign blend enough that he feels that he can't, he doesn't really need to say things. Like when people say things to him, he feels that he can't he doesn't really need to say things like when people say Things to him. He's like What kind of religion talking Christian Muslim? I'm not really sure what but he wears like I think maybe like Orthodox Jew Maybe I'm not sure okay, but he's disgusted with me And one day I came out of the car and he just like

And he goes where were you and I was like he asked me a question I said, oh I was in Dubai. I just got back from Dubai and he goes Your husband becomes and I was like no and he goes The question to be like let me see what this godless whore is doing now, like what is she right up to it? Where does it end with this bit? He wasn't asking out of like fun, love, and curiosity. He's like, where, where? And I was like, in Dubai, and he's like,

your husband, he comes, and I'm like, no, he's like, ah! And he tried to kind of erase me, like I was in shock for him. He's like, ah! That makes, you know what? I think you're right. I apologize, you're absolutely right. He does look at you as an uppity slut.

Yeah, thank you. Like, who gives me the goddamn right I apologize. You're absolutely right. He does look at you as an uppity slut. Yeah Who gives me the goddamn right to take a trip without my fucking husband? Well, if he's an orthodox, I need to be fucking harness. Yeah, yeah orthodox Jew Go Dubai also. I feel like is famous for being like the place Like a rich person will fly someone out to like, you know Fuck that or sex traffic them or something like that Also, it's rich Arabs if he's an orthodox You know last day is if Las Vegas believes in God, you know There's a lot of like prostitution and like extreme religion there

But all extreme religions like Orthodox Jews or that Muslims every religion Christians to like they're you know, we get the cult and shit Yeah, they just want to the stream sex. Yeah, it's all the Colton shit, yeah, they just want to cover up. Yeah. It's all just about covering us up and they don't like to take trips. No trips are not allowed. Yeah. You can't, you can't go without a chaperone. Slut goes on a journey alone. He only goes out to search for a dick for gaggles of dick. Right. Right. Right.

They just, I think in his mind, I was just in Dubai just lapping up. Yeah. Sultan come. Dubai just lapping up. Salt and cum. You're at the salt and cum pool on all fours, like a cat drinking milk, drinking heavy cream. We had like a really religious man come to fix our something in our apartment once. And and the guy wouldn't speak to me because I was a woman and he was at the firehouse and I'm like you're gonna have

to look at me. That's insanity. Yeah. His job he was like a yeah he was there to fix the stove but he couldn't discuss anything with me because I was a fucking slut temptress. Imagine being so uh so um uh sexist that you're, like that must have been a real conundrum to him because he's like, well, I'm fixing the stove,

which is the thing she uses, but I can't talk to her. It's also kind of cocky too, because it's like, oh, where do you think this is gonna end? Like she'll obviously be blowing me and I'm not allowed to do that. No, I was like pregnant. There's some pregnant lady who needs her stove fixed, but it went to like, once I talk to her, her, she'll be in her hands and knees clearly.

I'm like this deeply heinous man. He was just like a smear. You know, of course that I'm just dying for him to be inside me. So he can't even go down that lane, you know, once he finds out what's wrong with the oven, then that's it. You think if you were pregnant even to a guy like that, that means you're all right. Nine months. Already been stuffed up. She's it. You think if you were pregnant even to a guy like that that means you're right nine months They're all stopped. She stopped. Oh, they're off. They're off limits for nine months. They're a There are cow that's growing in a man's child. Yeah, and after that she'll be back to a slut temperature

I'm sure that they pride treat it like the same. I have no information about anything Yeah, which I love keep going the same as like a woman on her period. Like I probably, you probably probably also have to sleep in some little dog bed on the corner or something like that. Some sort of dog cushion. Yeah, what is that, not to get, not getting that to sneak back into anti-Semitism, but what is the thing where it's like,

you're like, there's like a bath women have to take for Orthodox Jews. I can't remember. They have to sit outside when they're on their period or something. Like there is that. I think you have to write letters to different people in Congress.

They ask them to take more lives about your body. Well yeah, until you lose your period and then you're free. That's like, you either have to get dicked down or annoy every customer service person. Basically everything that like firemen things happen when you take the vaccine. Yeah. To your body. Oh God.

Speaking of which, oh, so the end guys having this, I talked about this on stage, but it just has so much to do with what we're talking about. This, so firefighters are fixing everything in my house because my husband bought it with Bitcoin and they fucking, oh my God forbid we get an actual plumber. There's some guy named Anthony is fixing the toilet. I'm like, he's a lieutenant.

He's not a plumber. We have like our lights are flickering right now. I thought we had a ghost. It was just because, no, like some guy named Gino is doing our electricity. He's not at all an electrician. And so these guys will come by all day to do stuff in my house,

because the golf habit, they go outside. It's like the mafia with the fire department. You know, go outside. You keep it inside the family. No degree to approach any of the things they're doing in our home. So one day I opened the door and this guy's standing outside and he's like, Pete left and there's something wrong with the toilet, you know, and he's like, he goes, I don't enter the home unless the husband is present at the time of the

attack. Have you heard that? In your life. I mean, just tremendous. Not even being religious, trying to say like, look, there's some rules. You know, I can't be compromised. Yeah, they call him Cap, cause Captain, he's like, is Cap home?

And I'm like, no, he blew up the bathroom and left. He's like, I'm sorry, ma'am. He fucking ma'am'd me too. That's brutal. Also, ma' mam is like the least sexual word, like don't say that and then at the same time act like I'd be blowing you if you walked two steps forward. Ma'am there is no, cause like there's other, there's other like formal titles that have a sexual

like flip to them, like obviously mommy, daddy, the classics, you know all those. But there is, even sir, like obviously yeah, mommy daddy the classic You know all those but there is a sir even sir like there is there's kind of exciting You know that can on some but like there's no like oh, yes, ma'am. Fuck my ass ma'am. There's no peg me ma'am Maybe and that's why there's no yeah, that's the worst one to be called. It's terrible Yeah, man, just makes me feel one to be called. It's terrible. I hate being manned. Just makes me feel like I'm in the winter of my life. Yeah.

I feel like osteoporosis old, just like a curled elder when some guy calls me man. Would you prefer madam? Madam is absolutely retarded. Who calls anybody madam? I'm sorry, madam. I can see that guy throwing it in there. Madam, because he's trying to be too formal.

Madam, unfortunately due to the circumstance at the present moment, I will not be able to enter the domicile without male supervision present at this particular moment of time in the day of October 2024. This means if I do step inside your home of residence, I would naturally then be inside of you. And that would present some conflicts

which the Lord would disagree with. And also on account of rank, I can't fuck the captain's wife. Due to issues of rank, but not of your natural beauty, Madam. Madam Rizelle. Now Madam is kind of working for me. I think Maiden now. The more I think about it, I'm into Madame. Madame or maybe Maiden.

Maiden? But Maiden doesn't. But Maiden. Because Maiden means you're, you know, you're unmarried. Maiden is enough. Oh, I forgot what that meant. It's youth still. I totally forgot what Maiden meant.

Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. I mean, it was definitely one of the dumbest things I've ever heard said to me. I immediately laughed in his face. That's crazy. And he said it like it was the obvious thing. He's like, I'm sorry, ma'am, I do not enter home

unless the husband is present at the time of the entrance. I was like, get the fuck out. At the time of the entrance? At the time of the entrance is also. So he has to be there to see you enter, but then he can leave, you can, after he leaves. I mean, he's one of the kind of guys where like, hopefully he doesn't see this, but like,

he's so dumb, if you like opened up his head, there'd be nothing inside. Like a potato and a cross or something. I don't even think their thoughts form when you're that level of dumb. Of course, of course. And again, if you see this, thank you, peace service. Thank you.

But yeah, like it's not even like a thought for me. It's just like, you know, like, I just feel like there, if you open his head, there'd be like a jet's towel inside. You know, like just a rally towel and no other ingredients in his brain. But he's like, he was like, you know, I don't want it. I'm like, get the fuck, I'll tell you what, first assault's on me.

I'll leave. I'll do it. I'll fix our toilet, you wild, emergency moron. By the way, I'm very attracted to all of them, but you know, somehow the dumber, with some guys it's like the dumber they are, you know. Well, see, now you're kind of making his point. I am. You're right.

He's so stupid. I would have like blown him, but. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah, I would have jerked him off. I wouldn't have touched him. I've never cheated on anybody, by the way. I've never had sex outside a relationship or cheated on anybody, but in my life, I'm like the most prude, like I have to wanna cuddle.

There was a guy that I cuddled with in like seventh grade and I remember, I cuddled with him the whole night and I just thought like, oh, well, he loves me now that we did cuddling together. I remember leaving and like hearing him talk about me. They were we'd hooked up in this abandon I don't even hooked up just like cuddled and French kiss. I thought I gave a real rip-roaring ride of a night This guy was Oh my god, he would you know what? Yeah, you thought you had a romantic evening

This guy was just pissed off with a hard dick for eight hours Didn't get a wink of sleep hoping that was the moment you decided to blow him. There was no way he had a good time. No, I thought he was slowly falling in love with me. And I left and came back, this is one of the moments, in case you're wondering what went wrong in my life that I'm like, you know, do everything I do, this was critical.

I came back and I listened at the door and my friend and I both, we made out with these two guys and she, this abandoned house, and she hooked up with hers and I just fucking French this guy. I always thought I was gifting him with a French kiss. Oh my God, I can imagine their conversation without just how pissed he was. Like, yes, I just did nothing happen.

And the other guy's making fun of him. Like, you're a fucking pussy, dude. And I go back and I listen. I was like, I wanna hear about all the things he says about me cuz he's falling in love Yeah, I want to hear all the things he was just like bitch was on the rag Yeah, you're expecting some some just like eloquent description of your beauty. That changed the course of my life. I was like, what will it be?

Like, clearly I have a golden pussy that's worth waiting for. What will he say about it? And even the chance of him entering me will just be so enchanting to me. Like, fucking bitch was on the Here how old were you said you're like it's like 15, okay. Yeah, that's yeah, that's pretty devastating Destroyed me He was so white to just like that blonde white like he looks he fucking probably went to like rape tech or That's hilarious like was very like

the first few even near sexual experiences I Had since you asked I did yeah. I love it. We could just let you go the whole we started with your weird aunt This is all this is actually let's just transcribe this is Rachel's one woman show No More than from Des Moines wants to know how strong women start out sexually. Nobody asked, bitch. I don't even know what I was going to say, honestly. Please tell us.

I think I was just going to say that basically when I first started out camping with guys, I just, I was always bringing these weird like plays or these people that I thought they would want me to be. Like these feminine, you know, like, and just like doing this thing that I thought was really working on him. And one of the things that I like saw in this soap opera. Soap operas. They were so exciting.

That's what a 22 year old man is into. Is over the top, shitty acting. Yeah, I mean, I really, I'm so sorry to all the men I've blueballed with my horseshit. This next one's for you. When you buy each and every one of you a hooker. I mean, yeah, I thought it was like cool to like weep because I saw like some care. Meanwhile, nothing makes a guy more furious than an inner bed cry.

You don't even know you yet. Yeah. Yeah, you don't even have a decent race. Hard gank with a woman you don't know crying over something you had nothing to do with I'd be like Like pretend that I was like sad cuz I thought he'd want to comfort me Somebody swings at what I thought Crazy so dark. That's yeah Did you like have like a persona that you would try with women at all? No cuz it was like I

of like a persona that you would try with women at all? No, because it was like I didn't, I hooked up a, like I made out and like, you know, got my little dick touched a couple times in high school, but that was literally twice. And then there was a long drought and I, the first time I had sex with a college girlfriend that I was dating towards the end of college. So it was more like we were, we were, this, my crew,

because we grew up together, we were virgins so long, it was more of like, well, if we don't have sex soon, we should probably kill ourselves. There was no like, there was no persona, there was nothing, there was just like, please, please God let this happen. Yeah, or I'm going to fucking explode. So there was like, I weirdly think,

so at first it was just like, I just truly, and you know, whatever, I really did, I had a good, as far as like 20 year old relationships go, it's like, I really liked her, we just, she wanted to like have a family, and I knew that I was gonna be in the standup, but at the time of our relationship, we really liked each other, so it kind of felt,

it was nice honestly, because I loved her, it was not, at least what you think love is when you're 20, you know? So that was nice. But then I do feel like there was later on, there was almost a persona of, especially when you moved to New York, and every girl just wants to fuck immediately,

which is awesome, but they're also like, least this is at the time that you know it was like everyone wants to get wildly choked and everybody wants like really so you came to New York all the women wanted it was crazy and especially if you're hooking up with a fat guy I think there is like some daddy shit going on so they wanted you to be like way more dominant and I do think there was like a persona of me being like yeah I'm fucking I'm tough right because I just like Accidentally did it a couple times or I dated somebody that just

Legitimately made me mad and I think I knew I think she knew what she was doing because they could she wanted to provoke like Yeah, yeah, like like like there was like and it did work And then I was like, huh interesting and now so I think there was a period of pretending I was like, and it did work. And then I was like, huh, interesting. And now, so I think there was a period of pretending I was like, you know, some like tougher sexually than I was. When it's like, to this day, I'm just like, even like a girl will be like, what are you into?

I'm like, I don't know, fuck getting pussy. Just watching tits bobble. That's what I'm into. Like I'm not a very complicated guy. I don't have a lot of calm. I'm easy to figure out. But yeah, there was. Port water all of my.

Yeah. So funny watching Tits Bobble is hysterical. That's a great thing to put on your bubble profile. What am I into? Hiking and watching cans bubble. Honestly, yeah. In every situation, clothes, done clothes on a hike. Joking just seems this a lot of foolishness.

Why would you know why is it sunny to be involved? Everybody you would not you would not have thrived in 20. What what did when did we move here? Ten years ago. 2015, years ago 2015 20 2015 Rachel young Rachel doing like plays doing like like like you would you would not have done well in 2015 yeah And they would have been right. Yeah. They would have been absolutely right. They'd have been like, get the fuck out. And just started swiping. Yeah. And just like immediately like, oh, this girl's actually

sucking me off. Get the fuck out. Go take three trains back to your home. I don't give a fuck. I really was a real hole in the team with all my nonsense. I was always just like overthinking it, like trying to get to the bottom of what precarious thing. Yeah. There was nothing to get to the bottom of what and there were precarious thing Yeah, there's nothing to get to the bottom of you were a hot girl that showed interest in them That was all that was really it but you know, I mean do you guys do it know that lady millionaire matchmaker?

She's just like this sort of like leathery woman that tells you what men want or whatever I just watch her just waiting just every last tip and the things that she said men want were hilarious. Oh yeah and also like I remember her being interviewed on a show once and her husband was just wildly gay. He was in the audience and I was just like there is no way this man's worst nightmare isn't to be inside a woman. Yeah yeah yeah and the things she said men want were so fit she's like guys like they always say like it's real simple the guys to be, they want you to make them a cake. Make them a cake. Yeah.

Bring a cake. Give a nice date. Bring something from home. That's when you're in your feminine energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You bring a little cake from home on the second date. Like, just like so weird on the second date, if a girl brings you a cake. Like, I would think they would you're going to make a suit out of their skin.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's very strange. Yeah, I wonder how a second date cake. We all like cake, but it's second date cakes a little much strange. Yeah, I wonder how it's- A second date cake, we all like cake, but it's not- Second date cake's a little much. Strange, yeah, it's unstable. Yeah, I- You'd be baking after one date.

Cake is fourth date at the absolute fastest. And that's if you- Yeah. If the first three were like the best dates of your life. Exactly. You can bring a cake in the mix the fourth date. Now, but if you made it seem like, now look, if a girl was like, I was just walking by a cupcake shop, I wouldn't see now.

The problem is I'm fat. I know I'm like damn, my cake. The problem is me and elves are both fat. And if a girl did bring a kid now that I'm thinking about it, if a girl brought a cake the first time I met it, met her, it but it would like, I would be like, oh nice, because it would also, and again, going back to how simple my brain is, it'd be like, this girl's trying to, she's already getting me shit, she's gonna let me fuck immediately.

There would be that aspect too, of like if the first time I met a girl, she came through with a cake and she was like, if her thinking was, this fat guy wants desserts, I'm trying to butter him up, and that is what, I mean truly what works at the beginning, what works so much for me is just like, just. How tough is she gonna make the line from my,

like where my dick stands right now to inside of her? Like is she gonna be a lot of waves in it? Yeah. And I will say like, the best relationships I've had have started with some pretty quick, like it hasn't, there hasn't been a lot of. You get laid right away. You get laid right away.

Get it off the table. See what everybody does now, they get it out of the way. Exactly, it's like you think it's gonna be an issue or like oh, if you give it up, but it's like women who have made me wait, it actually, for me anyway, I'm not talking about everybody, if we've waited a couple times, and again, on everybody's schedule, that's fine,

but if we wait and I realize I don't like you before we fuck, I'm like, well, I'm getting, this is fucking, like I've at least gotten pussy enough in my life where I'm like, well, we've been on a couple dates and I'm actually looking at your personality and your personality, I wouldn't leave your personality for some people, right? But if you give me pussy immediately it takes a month for me to realize you're annoying you know what I mean yeah I've definitely did

which I guess is maybe what they wanted they want to realize like hey if this guy's not into me as a person then I'm not gonna give him any pussy you're just describing what dating actually is and like should be in a way. Yeah Yeah, exactly. It's like wait. I don't like this person. Yeah, but I will say this the people I've thought of the most Are the are the people that just are the best at fucking or like at least we've had some kind of chemistry And that will also rewire how I feel about them, but you're probably right ultimately Ultimately that might just cost me a year of my life. If someone's good at giving,

someone has good pussy and I don't like them, it'll just take longer for me to realize I don't like them. Yeah, that's confusing. And I think a lot of times like, you know, like you can, that's, there's two separate things going on. Yeah, that kind of chemistry. And then, and then, but you know, I mean, for me, I can't, I can be really attracted to a guy, but if he has like a lot of stories that I have to listen to

I don't care if you're fucking jacked. That's why you married a firefighter This guy's just talking about how joe biden's tracking everything we're doing You can you can do with conspiracy theories, but boring stories. You're like, I don't care for a story I don't need some guy was telling me about some crazy thing that happened on his vacation. That must be difficult for women because I feel like, women comics specifically, cause I feel like they,

guys think what you want is someone to entertain them. Yes. Like they think, oh, she's funny. Time to show her how funny I am. Whereas like no girl dates, girls date comics because they like someone who's funny Where's guys date girl comics like one fucking funny? I'll show her yeah, I think that must happen a lot Which is so annoying where it's so easy. It's so much easier to be a man. It's hilarious It's so much easier. I also think there's no guy that's like trying to find a funny woman like that's not high at any man's lists

I don't feel like I feel like the fact that I'm a comedian has always been just like a liability for sure like I think You're probably right unfortunately I think there's an especially if people are insecure about that because if you're funnier a lot of people just funny is something people Just think they are men if you have you know you think they are I mean women too people girls come up to me after shows And they're like I'm the crazy one. I'm like, yeah I'm like no, you're just pretty and guys want to be inside you so they tolerate your horseshit story like that's Jenny Oh my god, can I get some in like it's that they've gotten that their whole lives like I'm actually fun But I guess yeah, you're right. But I think that guys use it more as like an oiling device to get lubrication yeah they use it as lube but however like I

love when guys are funny I just don't like I feel like there's this this like I don't know like this sort of like instincts and probably for you too just people that for people to think they have to put on performance when they're out with a comic and then just... But see the thing, if I catch a, you're right, because if I catch one whiff of that, I'm like, all right. Forget it. This is not happening.

Yeah. And that's another mark of maturity where I have, literally recently I've just been like, huh, if I just don't like someone, I don't have to pretend to have a different Personality until she fucks me now I can just go about my life if I'm annoyed I'm like this even if she will fuck me. I'm like, you know what? I'm good. Yeah, that is so fresh like the performance in the like weird like or Bringing up comedy stuff stuff it's like oh I want you to hate

if possible I would love to marry a woman who hates comedy yes you know doesn't want to hear about it doesn't have any opinions on podcasts I don't want only don't bring up anyone to me you know I want to talk about the business or about I would love a woman who hates what they think is funny like that it's like they list you what they think is funny so that you can tell them they're correct or not correct. No, I don't want, I wanna get as far away from that subject as possible.

Like just like it but don't wanna talk about it. My husband will like, first of all he likes comedy but never wants to watch anything I do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Big Maniscalco guy? He likes Maniscalco. I came home one day and he was just like playing. It was like funny, but it was like he and Piel sketches from like 10 years ago.

You know, hilariously laughing. Honestly, I've been watching those a lot. That was the problem is they were really funny, but it hurt because I'll be like, oh, should we? You know, he's never wanted to watch anything I've done. But it hurt because I'll be like, oh, should we? You know, he's never wanted to watch anything I've done. Which is so funny. We should say you have a special on Netflix, probably now, eldest. May 24th. When is this coming out? May 21st.

It's my first hour special on Netflix. May 21st. It's called Big Guy on Netflix. I think when this comes out, it is May 21st or it will be very soon. So it's either out or it's coming out quickly. Eldis, we talked about this yesterday. What it's out. It's out. It's out now.

It's May 27th, May 27th, as we all know, I love, we talked about this. I was like, Oh, you probably say that at bed too. We talked about this before. Yeah. I told you that's what I have to respank you. Now that's eldest is punishment for bad producing as I spank him. Whoa, I'm back. And I want to tell you about game time even more than I did at the beginning of the episode. The game time ticketing app is my favorite ticketing app out there folks, alright? Even if they weren't giving me money to tell you that, it would be the truth. Here's why. Last minute flash deals.

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Buy their tickets off game time and maybe I'll pop on the stage too. Cool. Go watch, big guy on Netflix, it's out right now. And why don't we start taking some questions, Ellis, what do you say? Let's go to our caller. What do we got here? Hi Stavi, I'm in a tough situation with my parents. So I've always been kind of closer with my mom than with my dad and she sort of confided in me and told me that she's had a secret boyfriend

for seven years. Oh, what the fuck? And she trusted me enough to tell me but then ever since finding that out like a few years ago I just I feel like I'm keeping a secret from my dad. Even though it's their relationship. Yeah, you don't feel that way To tell him I just feel like this affected my relationship with him and also my relationship with her I'm kind of pissed. Yeah, she has like a side piece Part of why she won't come clean to him is because they run a business together their lives are very much

entangled as like together their lives are very much entangled as like life partners business partners but they don't really have a romance going on and I I want them both to be happy and I don't want to I don't want them to have to like uproot their lives their happiness is not your responsibility. It's frustrating that they that their their relationship is basically a lie that this really important lies just like I want to choose I want to choose to come out without like ruining their marriage So well if you have any advice doubt the Austin's I have no idea what to do I'd like to lose a hundred pounds without dining or exercising, but guess what that's not fucking possible

First of all, let me just say your mom wins dumbest bitch of the year award. What a fucking, that's ridiculous. That's so shitty of her. First of all, like- It's horrific. I mean, what a wild asshole. Like, and I'm not even talking about getting dick on the side.

I'm talking about telling the daughter. Maybe they have a separate thing or whatever. Like maybe they're like basic. I mean- People, like cheating is Maybe they have a separate thing or whatever. Maybe they're like, I mean. People, like cheating is one thing that is like, or whatever, they have this bad relationship. It's still fucked up, don't get me wrong, but to tell you and then to force you

to just kinda keep the secret is incredibly selfish of her. She basically is like, I could imagine her being like, oh, it feels so good to get it off my chest. And then it's like, yeah, cause you've burdened your fucking daughter with you. To your own daughter. That's so shitty. That's outrageous.

What a ludicrous asshole your mom is. That's so shitty. And you need to just follow a lot of those accounts that are like, tell you what to do with an arse. Because just go on Instagram. Here's my advice. Follow everything that's like this one. Because you are gonna have so many problems

because you think A, you're responsible for your parents to be happy. First of all, their marriage already, it's a wrap anyway. But you have nothing to do with their happiness. And yeah, you just need to listen to everything Patty Stanger, millionaire matchmaker, says about one man on. Well, yeah, I mean, so look,

they're literally, none of this is your fault. Like you're saying. This is how a girl starts baking cakes for guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You think she's responsible for everybody's well-being. Here's what you're going to need to do, baby girl. Find yourself a nice husband to get you out of this situation. OK, no, but truly this guilt and this like your mom's of truly a piece of shit. And I don't I mean mean honestly if I were you,

I mean you want the truth to come out. I think what you need to say is like, here's the best case scenario, right? Sometimes it's too hard to do this shit, whatever. I think you should tell your mom like, look, it's really unfair that you, I get that you trust me and on some level I appreciate that, but it's incredibly unfair that you've saddled me with this.

The guilt of this is really difficult for me and I need the truth to come out or I at the very least need you to start. The process. The process of divorce, of like, I know your lives are tangled, but this is eating me alive and it's like, what's more important to you, your business or your fucking daughter's well-being basically right

and you know now I don't know if that was a really good monologue yeah you should take some extensive notes saddled was also a great word choice yeah but it's like and I don't know if this person will then like this kind of person that confides this to their daughter is probably gonna be a bitch about it. Exactly, exactly. Everything's about her, she's always a victim. She'll slip it around, right. That's a possibility.

And if that's the case, then, and you know, you've always been close with your mom, whatever, honestly, if I were you, your mom has put you in the kind of position where you just need to get the fuck away from your family, to be honest with you. Yeah, take a break from them. Because if this guilt is eating at you

and you're like, I just want them both to be happy, which is obviously what people want, like when parents divorce, that's the mature thing to want for your parents. But she's put you in a position where you don't wanna, you also don't, it shouldn't be on you to break it to your dad or to like. No, it's so inappropriate and it's insane.

It's crazy. And it's like, yeah, you have to detach as much as you can from your family and you're not responsible for their happiness or anyone's and or for their choices. She should never have told you that she should have had better boundaries. Go to a hostile amount of therapy. Yeah, for sure. And detach from your family and just try to reprogram yourself.

You have no responsibility in any of this. She owes you an apology. That's really it. She owes you an apology and to make this right, she has to fuck it. Like, the only way she can make this right is to just actually, like, you know, start to separate the family, start to do things in a healthy way, because it's when someone tries to make you an accompl start to separate the family, start to do things in a healthy way, because it's, when someone tries to make you an accomplice to their lie, that is so fucked up.

That's one of the things that I like, I found the hardest in my family was like, there's a lot of pretending, there's a lot of just like, there's a lot of pretending for other people, there was a lot of like, Can you give me an example? You know, we'd go to Greece and my dad would make it seem like we were doing a lot better than we were to our relatives Over there because he couldn't just admit that

Struggling right or even like, you know, we've gotten I've talked about the server for like we got into a fight with another kid one time he remembers fucked this kid up and my dad who always would talk about like how important family is like to show the rest of the community that he had his sons under control like hit me in front of everybody like fucking slapped me oh my god it was I know I'm crazy yeah which horrific and and I remember being like I almost thought my dad was gonna be because he would say shit like someone fight you know you have your brother's backs like like somebody, whatever. And, but then in, you know, when it comes to,

push comes to shove, it would be like, to him, the idea of what other people thought was more important, right? Than your actual whatever. And that was the hardest part, and the way that I was even able to start rebuilding family stuff was just being like. Did you ever confront him about that?

Sorry, go ahead. Yeah, yeah, I'm working on it with my dad. I've talked about it on the podcast where it's like me and him have a tough relationship, but we're trying to figure things out. It's a little, we're in the middle of it. It's a little complicated, but so this is, honestly, this is even, this is kind of like

a more distilled version of that, where it's like one huge lie That everything else kind of teeters on that hinges upon. Yeah, it gives you such a recipe for us like Just insane levels of anxiety. Yeah here and yeah, you're not responsible for and it's such to give someone the advice of like Fuck your family get away from them Like I know that sucks Especially if you're you're a nice person who really wants the best for them and look ultimately if you can't do that if you're close with Them I understand that I'm just saying this guilt

your mom put you in a position where Is part of me is like is she is it is she trying to get you to say something like? You shouldn't have to keep a secret from your dad. You shouldn't have to keep a secret for her say something like you shouldn't have to keep a secret from your dad you shouldn't have to keep a secret for her also whatever you do is fine because now that somebody's put like like again saddled you have carte blanche do it ever choice feels right for you and you're not gonna fix it relationships already broken if it feels better to release it and tell your dad fucking tell him yeah it's up to you in the first place and do whatever you feel like doing

and and yeah give it a hard break from these people I mean my mom overshared not about anything that like insane But like I know that feeling when like my mom's always I mean the first time she like how my daughter's talking about like Our neighbors lupus or something. Yeah She's always tell me dark stuff about people. I don't know, you know, like her we were on vacation once not vacation I was on a trip and I was like, she was staying in the room with me, I was on a gig, she came with me and like in the middle of the gig,

she started telling me about one of her friends who was acting out sexually and I was like, wait, didn't she like drive my carpool? She's like, well, Rachel, she's really acting out sexually and weaponizing her sexuality. And she always acts like I backed her into the corner with listening to this shit. I was like, I'm like, I'm just finding out

this bitch drove my carpool is like, whoring around like, can you give me a minute to digest this? And then she's like, Rachel, she's bipolar. I'm like, why is any of this? Why are you telling me any of this? So I know that feeling of having a parent that tells you, my mom told me so much stuff that,

and she was a therapist and she would tell me about her patients. Like I had so much in my mind, but these dark, weird stories and you know, so and so was accosted and it ruined her sex life with Radger. And, um, you know, like I always had these weird things and weird rules in the middle of it, like, you know, people and, but I should have known she'd be like people with breast implants are depressed, Rachel. What's happening, why would I? What's happening? She was always doing that with me. So I just felt this big sense and still carry

the sense of responsibility for everybody's emotions in a room. And it's like the biggest thing I work on in my whole life is I think I'm emotionally responsible for everybody. So just like, it's like the seed of co-dependence. So just try to like realize that you can detach from anything that doesn't feel good and that's okay. And I think she sounds pretty young,

I don't think she's told us her age, but I also think there's a natural time in people's lives where you do kinda, I do think in your 20s, it's totally normal to go do your own thing, figure out who you are, and maybe if you wanna see them for holidays or whatever, but there was a very important time in my life where I was figuring out how I felt,

because you also, you spend your whole life around these people, you don't get any time to think about how you actually feel about them, right? And there was a big moment in my 20s where I just was like, know what fuck this I? Literally didn't see my family for a while I figured out what was bothering me because you don't when you're in it You don't even know and I'm sure if you took a little space to just think about this stuff You would come up with a whole host of shit that you know that this big lie is in

Context of you know Yeah, and I also think you'll find a peace with them eventually too. So like anybody, it's like, you know, even if your parents were disturbed in a variety of ways, like kind of figuring out how they were and realizing that you're not responsible for might help you accept whoever they are, or you know?

So I feel like that's true with my mom, like just realizing like, oh yeah, like there wasn't any reason that I needed to like You know Know any of this that you know, the lady who drove my carpool was like sampling dick around our neighbors In that Volvo in the same Volvo you wanted to were telling me about like other people's like sort of So it's just like whatever and that is weird and potentially illegal as a therapist. Yeah.

So yeah, I don't know. The other thing you could do is frame your, buy a prostitute to frame your father. If you're a real girl's girl, you know? Frame your father, make sure your mom gets the whole business. He's out on the fucking street and he got cucked for seven years. If you're as toxic as your mom that's what you should do but good luck amazing good luck little buddy damn I feel bad for her she seems lovely she's sweet she wants to fix things but she can't it's not a responsibility It's your fucking parents next one eldest

Hi, I'm mom with a two-year-old and I am trying to take this mr. Rogers approach on life Where you let them experience everything for the first time about taking away their joy But in the same breath I ain't gonna lie this motherfucker be ripping up my house I really enjoy watching and have fun but at the end of the night I get pretty tired and this little fucker be ruining my whole house how do I balance and moderate between allowing my kid to have fun and then being like, wait a minute, motherfucker. You're wrecking the whole house. So amazing that she thinks Mr. Rogers was saying

that kids should just rip up your floorboards. Do you want to say hi? Hi. As he rips up my house. Yeah, we got our first baby. But I want to let him have this toy. So what do I do to find a balance to not rip my hair out but also Let my son be a kid

Thank you guys so much. Your podcast is great. Congrats on the fat rascal. Thank you and hey guess hey elvis That's very sweet the way she says your name of us. Yeah Damn, yeah, I mean that's tough. I mean you have how old how old your daughter my daughter's three and It's true that when they're toddlers They just like rip shit up. I might have a bit about like I'm like my daughter will turn out a room like she's looking for coke 24 hours to leave the country Shoot her in the face and they do it fast too like they're just they turn your place out. She's right But I don't think that mr. Rogers was ever saying that you should just let them destroy your property But I think like yeah

I mean you just have to like have reasonable boundaries with kids like you I mean look I make all There's no like nobody can give you a book about parenting like my friend. That's like pregnant She keeps sending me these articles, and it's like you know It's just like the finished way to be responsible with children It's not like that. You just it's just one day at a time shit happens. Like you can't raise them with a philosophy, you know So I understand if you're over my full. Yeah, it's just like yeah I'm I like there's like a I bribe my daughter sometimes I've been either sometimes you just need them to put their fucking coat on Yeah, and she's just flipping the fuck out.

Like, yeah, my daughter wore like a princess dress to school this morning because I was trying to get packs and I don't want to argue with her about like wearing it. Yeah. She's worn a full ninja costume once she wore like a Spider-Man thing with like the muscles, like it has like the six pack. I was just like, fine. You know, like also, I've been I've also like put so much confidence in her that she was she's always like, aren't I beautiful?

And I was like, Spider-Man costume, like hulking muscles. I'm like, that's not exactly the word I would grab right now. But I mean, yeah, in general. That's awesome. Yeah. But she's so you might have a little mask lesbian on your hands. She feels the most beautiful in a muscle suit. And high heels or she's like ghost to sleep the other night. She just fell asleep in a your hands. She feels the most beautiful in a muscle suit. It's funny, it's either Princess in high heels or she's like goes to sleep the other night, she just fell asleep in a ninja costume. I was like, I'm not arguing with her about it.

Why not? Like, I guess she's a ninja. Yeah, she's full on, she was like holding her little like ninja tools. Yeah. Cuddled next to her ninja. That's adorable. But I feel like it's, it's, I mean, you, it is like negotiating with like a terrorist sometimes when you need to be out the door, but in terms of your home, no, you can't just let them destroy things. I've never thought that had anything to do with like, you know, like letting them grow as a parent. No, I feel like kids need boundaries. We always overcorrect what we didn't have, you know?

So like I lived in like a super permissive, just every feeling you had. My mom was like, let's, you know, let's start an orgasm journal. So I'm like boundaries, but then I have to remind myself like you don't need that many. You don't have to overdo it. Yeah, like I would, so you always over correct what you did but I think like, yeah, in general just you don't, there's no part of exploring that needs to include

like destroying property. So like as much as you can just like take something away. Like, I don't know. Yeah, and I don't know, I feel like my, cause we have a Close friend who recently he's like almost two and he's toddling around right now and Other friends of mine who kind of have a lot of kids in the same age range And I don't know I feel like what what I see a lot Is that there's areas where the baby can just go buck wild yes?

I get like a room where it's like, that room is gonna be a disaster zone. And you can't do shit about that. Or even a couple rooms, right? You just be like, look, his room, the playroom, and maybe part of the living room is gonna be a fucking mess for the next year of your life. You have to just be realistic. But like my friend recently just renovated,

they have like a little basement area, and they were never really using it. And then she she redid it made it kind of like a place where adults can hang out that the baby's just not allowed in and that has done wonders for her mental health because she's like she it was like a little project she did because I also feel like I don't know I don't know if you feel this way but she was just talking about how sometimes you just feel like wait especially when a baby's that young your identity is kind of stripped and you're like, yeah I was yeah very yeah

That's yeah, which you can totally see cuz the baby you have to it being a mom, especially the first couple years It's like that kid doesn't give a fuck about anyone compared to their mom. Like latches on to their mom, needs to be with their mom. And every knee you're trying to sort out like if you're allowed to what needs you can service of your own versus theirs. Like my daughter woke me up twice last night. She's like, she came up to my bed, she'll compliment me as a way to get in the bed.

She's like, that's cute. It was like a black scrunchie on my wrist. Don't work me just come to bed. Yeah. It's like where'd you got that? Yeah, they're, they're like, there's so much going on, but yeah, just childproof your home. You're right. Just childproof or a room and you, there's gates. You need gates. They are like a little terrace. My, my, my, um, mother-in-law, she calls my daughter Terra Montico. She's like,

Terra Montico, she lives at my house. But you have to just put the gate, but youico. She's like, Terra Montico, she rips up my house. But you have to just put the, yeah, but you can't let them like, yeah, they need to feel that. So you just like put them in a room where that's like child proof, where they can go, you know, bad shit. You just don't put any like French vases in there or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, also there's just a little bit, like, yeah,

I feel like two and three is the time where they are just gonna fuck shit up. They do fuck shit up. No, they do. My daughter wrote on her like brand new couch like West Elm couch and she was just like and like happily too I just walked in and she's just like look what I'm smiling I'm terrific markers all over a $1400 fucking yeah we just brought it home oh yeah yeah they do they But now she's, and then it gets a little better though. Like two, they're like just ludicrous

fucking maniacal psychopaths. Three, they're like yeah, now she's like charming me and kind of working me. But yeah, it's more like a car dealer now. Right, they're starting to get their little personalities. And like by four, they're little kids that you can actually, you know, actually reason with. They're still children, right? But like they're little kids that you can actually you know actually reason with they're not they're still children right, but yeah

They're not like absentmindedly gonna be fucking shit up as much no it gets better better now She's like almost for it now. It's like fun now I want to freeze her now before she like is it such a fun age, but it's like it's hilarious even when she's like working It's funny of course it gets funnier. It gets better and funnier Yeah, that's what you're looking there, because they're so dumb, but they, they're so much smarter than they used to be. I know. And so they just like know that they're a lot,

like when a baby figures out lying, so awesome. It's hysterical. So funny. Yeah. She's like, figure out how to manipulate people, it's hysterical. Manipulating is so funny from a kid. She kind of like handles me now, you know? She goes like, she'd be like, you could get that for me.

Like I'm like, as if I didn't have the confidence to make you a bottle right now. Should I do that? Yeah, I believe in you. I pick her up from school, I go, she gets a listening sticker when she listens at school. It's so cute. She's obsessed with that sticker.

Like, and I feel for her, cause I was always, and I mean, whatever it was, I didn't get that for shit at all. So every day when I pick her up, I'll be like, did you get your listening sticker? Cause I know she's thinking about it. Let's get it out of the way. And the other day I picked her up and she goes, sadly no.

What? Sadly no, that's so funny. She handles me with things. She's just like, I'm like, don't take care of my emotions around this. Like, yeah, I could do with her without a listening sticker. I don't give a fuck about the sticker. I'm trying to be nice. I'm making conversation So yeah, good luck. Good luck pal. I mean it's tough

You're this is just you know It's the reason they say the terrible twos like there's a reason everyone has the same experience as you so let that be kind of nice They you're like alright well everyone's gone through this everybody is. And yeah, you don't have to go. You don't have to let him. You're not stealing his joy if he's he's got a cooking knife and he's taking apart pillows. Yeah, he stabs getting all the stuffing out of your goose down fucking jacket.

So good luck. They need the limits to explore too. Like the limits are really good. It makes them feel safer. They shouldn't feel too powerful as kids. That's what you need to be able to explore is like some parameters around it. I think like I remember people over talk to kids

in that stage too because they don't understand what you're talking about yet. Keep it very simple. This long story is all I see is some Brooklyn twat telling her daughter about some experience she had like once herself and trying to over relate. It's like, no, this kid just hit a bitch in the sandbox and it's that simple.

Yeah, just take the shovel away from him. Yeah. I remember this kid used to always beat up my nephew every time we played together. And one time, it's hilarious. It was just like, all the adults would hang out too, like crack open a beer and they're like, oh, we're gonna have to go.

Like he's just repeatedly attacked my nephew. And we couldn't even hang out. He just was too alarmingly violent with them. And it's funny, Q, because a lot of times it's just the kids. Like he was being raised by these kind of like gentle, like Williamsburg lesbians. And he was just this wild look at his eyes yeah and I remember the mom talking like over talking this and she was like we do not hit in this house

this is not a home where we hit and he was so confused he's like no we hit he's like I hit all the time like I just did but I don't know what planet you're on dude I'm gonna keep hitting no one hits me so I hit other people. It is really funny. A friend of mine was telling this story and I have, you know, my friend's real artsy and you know, had, and like, I a certain way where this kid was being raised by, yeah, maybe they were lesbians or maybe it was like just a very, you know, he, they, she, they couple kind of like gender. Yeah, they were like, we are not gonna like gender our kid, like we're not gonna raise him, you know, whatever he wants, but there's no blue, no masculine stuff. And this baby, the second he's outside and he sees a big-ass truck, he's like, oh!

He was like, he could not get enough of huge trucks. And his they-them mother was like crying about how it was like, yeah, most people are a certain way and then it's like, don't be mean to the ones that aren't. But yeah, your little-ass baby, he then it's like don't be mean to the ones that aren't but like yeah Your little-ass baby. He loved every fucking little dude, baby. I know loves trucks Oh my god, there's nothing you can do about it. My daughter's class like they I went in to visit her class and like The girls were playing these like very intricate games in the kitchen and they were usually taking care of someone the boys were just like slamming

taking care of someone the boys were just like slamming Irrational psychopaths Game is just slam their bodies. Oh, yeah game me and my brothers would do that We play very violent like a very violent version of soccer in our small hallway Where the goal was it was like a very small hallway and on one side was our grandmother's room and on the other side was the stairs that you went down So it's like we and it's literally you can only fit and you had the one goal was if you get it past me and go down the stairs And the other ones if you get it in our grandmother's room And it was just it devolved into just running directly into each other and fucking each other up

And just getting the ball in and then sometimes we would fall down the steps. We would just put, we would just like fall down. We would just slide down the steps. Yeah, yeah, it was fucked up. But yeah, it was very fun. Now at the same time, if you're the opposite and you're kid, you're like, yeah, my kid's gonna be a fucking power lifter. We're gonna get him a baseball bat.

And if he just wants to like paint his nails, that's cool too, you know? But it's gonna be statistically fewer of those kids Definitely anyway kid us with another one LD Bobby esteemed guests. Thank you for taking my call. I am a student teacher at a very large school district like top five biggest cities in the US big. And my regular teacher is out, so I had to substitute teacher in. And there was this very pretty lady

who I noticed right away, and I talked with a little bit before class started, and we had a little bit of a rapport. And I was like, oh, that's cool. And then I started teaching class for the rest of the day. Right. Remember that Schmiegel thing I was saying earlier, where you start as a human being and then slowly you turn into like, no, can I get pussy?

We are watching it. We are, we are, I don't know how the call is going to end, but you see how it started. Oh, this very nice lady. We have a rapport. That was the glint. he just saw the ring flash in her pocket. He's so gross, I can't witness it, it's so disgusting.

Now we don't know. She's watching that blizzard moment, he changes from a man to a lizard. Let's see, maybe, hey, maybe I'm wrong. And on an episode recently, I was wrong, I think I called something wrong, but I have a feeling I'm right about this one. episode recently, I was wrong. I think I called something wrong. But I have a feeling I'm right about this one. Go ahead, Eldis.

Cool. And then I started teaching class for the rest of the day, right? And she's just sitting in the back because she's the substitute and she doesn't have to do anything because that's my job. And at the last period of the day, some of the girls in the class started like asking if I was having a good day and like pointing towards the student teacher and or the substitute teacher in the corner right and they're like oh you should be having a good day because look who your substitute

is right trying to like hook us up and then they're like asking what her uh favorite flowers are and they're like what's your favorite restaurant oh where's that oh mr so-and-so isn't that the neighborhood you live in them salute to these crazy that her favorite restaurant is in your neighborhood These kids are awesome I'm about to fucking be a teacher salute stuff which in some ways was like super adorable and nice and in other ways like there's a There's like an appropriateness boundary

That I have to like maintain because they're children sure and so You know the end of the day comes around and the substitute leaves, you know, she doesn't have anything to do But she leaves and then all the kids are like, oh, mr. Lee, mr. So-so Why didn't you why didn't you ask her out? What do you do? And I'm like, I was like, get out of here, guys, like, leave. But here's the thing. I was going to talk to her and ask her if she wanted to get a drink at the end of the period, but the kids like sniffed it out. Yeah. And made like this weird boundary situation happened where I'm like, don't want to like have too much of my personal life in front of them. And so my question is, is because she,

the substitute teacher would have an email in the school district email. Is it weird if I look up her email and then ask her out through email after the fact? Sitting at your desk, lock the door and beat off. Seriously, clap around like a fish on the floor. Yeah, dude. Beat off before... Do me a favor.

Pull up the school district directory, then click a tab over, go over to X videos, jack off, click back over, and then do you still want to look her up? And if you do, then I don't know what to tell you, but you won't hopefully let's finish. Let's finish What do you what do you have to say? I mean, I'm sure we got it, but still opportunity to that I Don't know I feel like I should have I should have like held her back just to talk to her for a couple minutes You see like feel it out that way. But now I'm kind of just left with a

Random email option the next day, but I don't know if that's what he's Docker ish or you know weak or not so any advice you have would be great appreciate it thanks about strength man is about looking strange as fuck sorry your kids blew up your opportunity to let's be honest not to get pussy What are the odds she was gonna say yes? You're like we had a rapport It's like really or did just a woman a co-worker. Yeah like how It would have to be The craziest rapport of all time for you to think this is a possibility Was it anything more than she was just nice at her job?

Yeah, when they say before it's real tricky. Yeah, that's slippery slope. Was she just being kind to you and then you were like, well, that's a logical next step. And now I have to find her email and in writing, try and fuck a coworker with her fucking city, city school email. Like this is the least smooth way to go about this with her fucking city school email,

this is the least smooth way to go about this and the most, it's like, okay, let's think about the best case scenario and the worst case scenario. Best case scenario, she's like, great, let's go on a date, whatever. Worst case scenario, this woman's like, she never responds to you,

immediately sends that screenshot to HR with, I felt very uncomfortable in his class. It seemed as if he had told, asked the children to wingman him. I'm not exactly, I felt like, you know, I was being looked at as an object. These kids were talking to me. I'm not sure if you put it up to like what if she's just convinced you put them up to it. What if she has to come back another day? Like now the whole thing is it didn't know. You cannot email. You cannot look her up.

It's insane that you think so. You have to jack off before you call us. You have to get other pussy outside of your workplace. And look, if the Lord smiles on you and you bump into her again, she has to work there again, or you just see her in the real world, then fine. You can ask her out. And I do think there is something to, you know, I mean, it's still a little weird to try and,

like, it's a coworker, man. No. And you're a student teacher. You should not be looking or searching. No, don't look up, look for anything but Aquafor. Just fucking... Yeah. Well, I guess he's a student teacher

So he's not gonna work there Also, I think she's a substitute teacher so in terms of the like Interesting is interesting because it's like if he's only there for like a month or two months to like observe essentially And and she's a substitute like student teacher means he's probably. Substitute teacher means she's probably like same age, right? Like, so there is a, but like still, you did lose your, now let's take the appropriateness out of it.

Let's say it's a wash because of these situations. As a woman, if a guy that you like sort of worked with one day on a temp job and then he just the next day finds your email. Like you don't give him any way to contact you. He looks it up via the professional directory and tries to go out with you. How would you respond to that?

I mean, I would assume something's terribly awry. It's not. Yeah. I did have that happen one time, like with a guy that I kind of thought was attractive And I was in a dark haunting place. So I did end up dating him and Yeah, but then he but then he was unwell like it's not a good sign now as a healthy woman. I would see that as a major So, you know, you never know

Really if this woman's reeling,eling you know you might be able to take advantage of her in data for eight months. She's a substitute her life can't be going that well. She can't be going that good. I also do feel like you know just the fact that she is a substitute like isn't that like it's not like people who are subs want to be teachers or something. Right right. And it's like you know if she's like young and cute, I'm sure she's just like

doing it to have some sort of like make it. You may make 80 dollars a day. Right. Yeah, I'm sure. I'm sure the last thing she wants is to like, you know, fuck a teacher at the school she's teaching at, especially a guy who's like clearly like blushing and getting bashed up. Well, the kids are like trying to flirt on his behalf. And she's just saying this guy like smirking. Yeah, let's talk about the kids for a second. Giving you this cock assist.

Yeah, yeah. I do love that. It's not this like uncanny lively opportunity they presented you with. Clearly they just like see you basically coming in your pants and they're like distracting them from long division. They're kind of making fun of you. Yeah.

They're kind of trolling you while also being your wingman Yeah, no, no, they weren't like she was gonna whisper and if she did if she was the kind of woman that was whispering in the kids Here she's like, ooh, these 11 year olds think I should fuck this guy Maybe I should Yeah, so yeah, listen dude, I'm not look because of all the context of it if a organic opportunity to be like Would you want to grab a drink came up? You could have taken it. You lost that opportunity. I Personally, I wouldn't do it. That's let's put it that way. I personally wouldn't do it eldest. How do you weigh in here? I Wouldn't do it there. I if anything I would try like

Wouldn't do it there. I if anything I would try like Stalking on Instagram or Facebook maybe getting in that way, but the director the directory is crazy Here's what you do the second she walks out and you've already missed your opportunity You say your tinder and your bumble and your everything to point five miles and you just start swiping until she comes up and that's oh, that's really the only thing you could have done and Director's crazy and Rachel says she wouldn't as a healthy woman, although the biggest thing in this guy's favor is the fact that someone did it and it worked on your dumb ass five years ago,

whenever, 10 years ago. Yeah, and then the same guy also put spyware on my phone. I was like, I think I told you about that guy. You told me about it. Wow, that guy, it all started with an email? Oh, no. Yeah, he like, I did something for a TV show he was working on. know started with an email oh You know I did something for like a TV show He was working on you like sent me like an email of her what my performance and it was just like you sort of like Softly handled and that yeah, and I mean then he went

And I mean I would just find him like sitting outside my work. Oh my god. No it wasn't good No, he turned out to be Pretty alarming a real loon. Yeah, I don't think it's't good. No, it turned out to be pretty alarming. A real loon. Yeah, I don't think it's a good. No, it's not good. Another thing, too, is like a disastrous move in 2024. Email is like such a cold

way to like get in touch with someone about like personal shit or something. It's so like business. It's like handling shit with your landlord, that kind of thing. Once a girl hit me up over email once because she didn't have social media. It's like- A girl hit me up over email once

because she didn't have social media. She was like, I don't have it. I got breasts attached like it was a PDF. I got a titty picture attached to an email. I did end up fucking that lady. Okay. But then, she was cute. Actually, I feel bad because because it was email,

I think I just fell off communicating with her. You know? Wait, so you never exchanged numbers once you fucked her. I guess I did have a number Yeah, now you probably matter your address you son of no no I give it It's weird to fucking yeah get pussy over email, but I did have her number. She sent a titty pick an email There's something so funny about it was There it was but I guess the attached. Yeah, please. Please see attached. This is so funny. I think what's really funny is I think our friend who like, you know, handles like logistics and stuff and does like some assistant stuff.

She was like, she would sometimes she'll be like, if I miss some email, like important emails, she'll be like, hey, you should follow up with this. And then she within like, hey, you have this meeting, you have this other. I mean, it's my best friend like she's the person we were just talking about with her kid like we I only hire people I've known for 20 years so it wasn't but she was just like lol also maybe take a look at this one I don't think she saw I think it was titties were sent on a subsequent email but amazing anyway yeah but you're right, Elvis.

That was, that's such a novelty that I'll tell that story and people will be like, that's hilarious. To actually try and start a real relationship over email is, it's a while. Yeah, it's a while. You think she's got, she's got to like clear out her like, her lululemon code, the all the sales and all this shit uh... now i guess you should yeah i just beat off just land is jack off to you

and just dropped his closing at the school blinds and i'm gonna say don't be off at the school that's my i'm gonna give you some slightly different advice that rachel i'm gonna say don't take your cock out at your work desk the children learn in in the same room where children learn a picture of your hard cock under the desk well the kids are taking like a quiz yeah always yes send it to her official Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha your khakis that you were wearing that day. Be like, this is how you, this is what you made, this is what you did to me. Go home and fuck a Manila folder. All right, that was pretty fun.

Good luck, good luck, dude. I should probably go soon because I have to do like one more. Yeah, no worries, we'll do one more. We got a fun one, Eldis? Always. A fun one to go on, Let's do it. Okay, sorry I am in desperate need somebody give me some like quality advice miss. Okay, so

I'm planning to to like go do this thing in a couple months and I'm gonna be staying at a hotel for like Like almost a week or something, right? I'm gonna be there for maybe like like five six days. And It's like almost a week or something right I'm gonna be there for maybe like like five six days and Anyways, I recently started using a bidet and it's been so amazing. I I never want to go back Is it kind of crazy of me to get like a $35 a day off the Amazon or ever and take it with me? Like to the hotel room like is that something you consider to like think about it I i mean if there was like a hotel that said hey for like 35 extra bucks you know we'll give you the day like i would pay that in a fucking heartbeat but like uh yeah i don't know uh thank you okay i unfortunately have some personal experience that i would not like to have with this question

okay great fill us in my fucking husband bought a traveling bidet. You know what's so funny? You're about to be on an island here. I'll send you a picture of it today. I'd love to see it. Not that you want that. No, no, I'd love to see it because I have started having this thought because I recently became a bidet guy. Pete would love to talk to you about it because he likes to talk about toileting a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Send him my number. Let's get chatting because I actually, our good friend Sam, Sam Morel, see, it's not you that whose last name I still don't fully know I'm always not sure if I mean actually I know it's morale but for a while. I didn't know if it was morale or morale

Or moral or moral. I don't think anyone's guess that is that is that Sam is like probably my best friend I barely know see I'm not friend. I just barely know. See? I'm not confident. See? You were right and I was wrong. Thank you. Wow.

Now you took all the air out of my tires on that one. With the immediate apology. I just realized how full of shit I am. That happens to me a lot. But yeah, Pete, that was the first thing, maybe the first or second thing this motherfucker got when we were quarantined and I was pregnant there was like all sorts of shortages He's like, I guess I'll just get like a traveling but damn like why there's not that's not the crisis that's coming up

the Always brings one and I'm like, oh I think I'm like it just and I know this is I shouldn't say this but it just Makes him look gay to me like I shouldn't say this but it just makes him look gay to me like Who knows maybe I'll need to fuck some Even some stranger ass when I go with you to fucking Arizona next week Yeah, he's a clean ass for that. He loves like he got some sort of turbo Yeah, I'd love to know go ahead but like I want to know what they look like

It's like a small thing and it's like a little sack that he passed that thing Is it yes, he's got a little sack or like a tote bag for his bidet interesting Furious because you know in the Muslim world Everyone uses a bidet like they'll they'll make bidets out of water bottles and France do I think people you know? People do have like bidets and I mean why not there's nothing wrong with a clean asshole and my great-grandmother First yeah, there is that's a direct either Schneider quote There's nothing wrong with I Should sniff meat if the meat doesn't smell as good as my clean asshole, I don't want it

So look man, we're all you know, I appreciate your bidet guy I actually am look I'm actually in the market for a travel bidet. I don't know what the best one is Because it's just you know, one of them is those looks like just he did some research My husband like tries to get to the bottom. I literally want to know what he decided. I'm gonna text it to you, please Bitch that you just I just want to make a decision really fast. I need some bitch to be like, this shampoo or all the other shampoos, your hair will all fall out. My husband always tries to get to the bottom of things.

And when he was researching a traveling bidet as we were falling asleep at night, when I was like, I've never been less attracted to him. He's like, hmm. Yeah, he was really just swifting through the comments, just seeding through all the comments Yeah, why just I get that I get locked in though. Sometimes really you research things. Yeah I don't even know I'm probably the problem here yet again, but I don't even know

This is really crazy to end on this feeling. I don't even know I Mean I now know but I didn't know what kind of car we had because he talked to me I'm talking about it. I just became archaically bored that I was just like, I don't know. And then he's like, I'll never forget how excited he was when he made a decision. He's like, I think I'm going to get a Mazda. It does feel great when you finally make that decision in the right one, because I'm the same way where certain things I need to. I do need to do some over vet them.

Truly, the bidet went with a Toto two. Thanks to say he has a Toto two. Yeah. Wow see it's all coming together. Okay the Toto washlet. In fact I bought one for Baltimore and I just got one it just shipped today for here. I'm gonna be putting it on I'm gonna be installing it later today so I'm very I'm very pumped So we're pro bidet here buddy and use, who advertised with us? Tushy. Tushy. And in fact, you know what I said about doing, believe about the one I said I had Eldis actually

and actually put me saying I have a tushy. I have a tushy bidet, you know they haven't paid us in a while actually fuck them no commitments Fuck well, I'm not gonna say fuck them cuz we'd love to have him back on I used to have a to see cuz I loved it then they stopped Supporting the podcast. I was forced to you know, try something else. I'd love to go back to to see They're just gonna have to make it worth my while and so buddy. It's up to you know try something else. I'd love to go back to Tushy. They're just gonna have to make it worth my while and so buddy it's up to you man. I would say if you're gonna use Tushy use promo code Stavisworld and if not get yourself a little they do have a good I will say back to actually actually sucking Tushy's

cock a little bit. Their travel bidet did look pretty good. I was eyeing that up. It did actually look good. And you know, and you know I mean this because- He was eyeing it like a substitute. He was eyeing it like a substitute. Like a spring morn. Like a pair of substitute t-shirt cans. Right for them to stay as long.

Boblin up and down the linoleum hallway. Boblin, boblin along. So yeah, we're probate day. Bobblin up and down the linoleum hallway So yeah, we're probate and You know, we're probate and we we say you do it buddy. Just do it. Yeah, you'll have a clean ass. You'll be fine And then you've made you've made a commitment now You have a travel day for the rest of your life and you use it everywhere you go dude next tour If you don't think I'm bringing a bidet you're out of your life and you use it everywhere you go. Dude, next tour if you don't think I'm bringing a bidet, you're out of your mind. Oh my god. I'm pretty I'm pretty pro-bidet. I do feel like when you're in a hotel like that's a place

where like you just hop in the shower after you take a shit. That's not a bad point. I feel like you know I I'd need a travel bidet more like if I'm staying with family or something there's like no fixed like you know environment that my asshole is used to for this why don't we just get your sister a bidet for Christmas man? You got some wipes. Nah, something nice about the bidet. Not the same as a shower shooting up your asshole. Yeah exactly. You're not wrong. You feel clean. You feel real clean. But yeah I feel like when I'm in a hotel that's when like you know all bets are off use as many towels as you need Going on this is ass and a hotel do not use any of the bathroom fixtures

Don't use any of the sinks after you've stayed in the same hotel as Eldis. I'll tell you that much. All beds. All beds are off. Put a way off the table. When it comes to my inner anus. Oh good God. It's some ludicrous expression to grab for that.

That was amazing. That made my fucking day, Eldis. I'll tell you what, all beds are off what all bets are off when I'm in a hotel Well, there you go little buddy. You're we support your bidet addiction, but more importantly everybody go watch Rachel special out right now Rachel Feinberg's special Menorah I was like, did I say it right? Rachel Fine, Menorah Witts.

On Netflix right now, it's called Big Guy Hilarious. Thanks for coming Rachel, it was so fun. I hope your asses are just as clean as they can be. Here at Stavis podcast, we want the very best for your inner asshole. We really do. We really do. And you're worth it. You're worth it. Thank you so much, Stavis. Of course. Bye guys, see you next time. We really do. You're worth it. You're worth it. Thank you

so much. Bye guys. See you next time. Bye you guys.