Stavvy's World - #95 - Kyle Dunnigan

Episode Date: September 23, 2024

Kyle Dunnigan joins the pod to discuss his traumatic first time, how pointless acting school is, last meals, why dating gets harder as you age, sex robots, getting harassed by his HR lady, and much more. Kyle and Stav help callers including a guy whose brother is pissed that his best friend is dating his ex, and a married woman haunted by a toxic love obsession with an old flame.  Over 2 Million Butts Love TUSHY. Get 10% off TUSHY with the code STAVVY at https://hellotushy.com/stavvy  Download the Gametime app, create an account, and use code STAVVY for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. More info at https://www.gametime.co/ Visit Legacy and use promo code STAVVY for 10% off: https://www.givelegacy.com/ Visit https://mintmobile.com/stavvy to get a 3-month premium wireless plan for just $15/month. Follow Kyle Dunnigan on social media: https://www.kyledunnigancomedy.com/ https://www.youtube.com/c/KyleDunniganComedy https://www.instagram.com/kyledunnigan1/ https://twitter.com/kyledunnigan https://www.facebook.com/kyledunnigancomedy Unlock exclusive, Patreon-only episodes at https://www.patreon.com/stavvysworld Wanna be part of the show? Call 904-800-STAV and leave a voicemail to get advice!

Oppa ha! Welcome everybody to Stop Ease World 904 800 stop. Call in, we'll solve all your problems. We got Kyle Dunnigan on the couch today. Kyle, thanks for coming, dog. No problem. I lived four miles away. It took me an hour to get here. That's where you were Brooklyn? I actually had a lot to do in the car, like phone. I took care of it. Yeah, thanks for having me I nice smooth hours Yeah Yeah, I had stuff you I mean it wasn't like serious health issues, but I yeah the time

I just didn't work. Yeah, what happened the first time you were just like, oh wait, dude. I'm just not in New York Remember that was the first. Oh was it? There's an eye issue oh yes that's true I felt like you totally I didn't want you to think I was blowing off they really wanted to do that yeah yeah but it was like seem it was too specific to be a blow-off situation then you go reverse like is he being too specific as he knows that seems like not a lie but I was like that's what happened but you can only cash that in once you know I didn't I cashed three times yeah that's all right anyway they were all

truth podcast dude I don't respect podcasting in fact I remember the one time you text me even you cancel I was like, dude, because I can't. It sucks. The only negative of becoming your own boss, essentially, is that you know, you can never get a surprise day off. You you set the calendar and like and then if I wake up one day and I don't feel like working, it's like, well, I thought this fucking idiot's got it. I got to tell him he has to come.

I've already booked the podcast. So you being like can't say a gift was like holy shit. This is awesome It's a snow day Kyle thank you. We'll do a bullshit podcast with one of my friends That's not as funny, but they live right here, and I don't have to care at all. You know like you know we'll figure it out Yeah That is being your own boss. boss has got a lot of, like, I learned this, that do 10 minutes, I got it on my phone, sat in the lawn for 10 minutes,

and do a thing, and then set the alarm, because it's amazing how you fritter away and your subconscious will trick you into not realizing you're frittering. 100%. I know it's a whole thing. Yeah, I mean, the second I do one thing, I'm like, whoa Doing shit is awesome. I got a fucking I said literally good I was eating like I just fucking sent one email and then I was like

Look at me go another email and then another email and then it was a time to the podcast. I'm like, well, that's the work I'll be doing today Three emails and a podcast but it felt good man. Yeah people in our office will send 40 emails out before you know I used to love I used to oh I didn't do shit. It was awesome offices. You could do nothing though That's the thing. There's so much more. I guess that's true. Did you have real job? I had one that I didn't do anything. I won that I had I was just you know, it's the receptionist was phone calls Yeah, the building like that's Svenska Handelsbanken. Yeah. You know the building in New York that's like,

they got a wedge at the top of that building. What was the company? It was Svenska Handelsbanken. Oh, that's what it was. And I got the job. I was a temp. Okay. And they wanted them to sound Swedish.

Really? Because it was an international bank. So like my audition for this bank was to go, Svenska Handelsbanken, and like, oh, you sound Swedish, that's good. Hilarious, what if they start speaking to you in fucking Swedish? What's that?

What if they started speaking to you? Everyone, these calls are coming in from Sweden mainly, so I go, Svenska Handelsbanken, they go here, tip-tip-tip-tip, and they go, no, I don't speak English. Please hold, Svenska Handelsbanken, I don't speak English, I don't speak English. They go, Svenska Handelsbanken, I don't speak English. It was a disaster.

So they barely thought about, they just wanted someone to sound the part, but didn't think about the implication. Yes. And they never corrected it or thought, I worked there for two years. Two years? And my HR lady, she would take two fingers

and she would jab, she walked by me and jab my side. Correct your posture? No, just her notice hands she was like flirting with me oh interesting the HR woman yeah and she was like I'm a born-again virgin you know what respect because it's like I love that because it's like a cop like what are you gonna do if a cop is trying to assault you they're gonna be it like if that's like you being imprisoned in the like the warden being like nice cock, little buddy. It's only a matter of time, you know? We had the HR person, you can't go to HR

with a problem with the HR person. She came to one of my stand-up shows. I just started doing stand-up. And then after the show, she goes, I want you to take my boyn again for genidation. Wow! This is also the lady in the car. after the show, she goes, I want you to take my boyn again for genidation. Wow. This is also the lady in the car. I was in a car with her for some reason,

she was driving like a man, I'm like, can you please slow down? And she goes, I have a guardian angel. I was like, well, I don't. She sounds awesome. Yeah, she was awesome. Give me how much older, so you're probably pretty young at this point.

I was like 22, fresh fresh little fresh ass fresh You're looking good now, I can't imagine Oh you are worse when you're younger no, no, I never got over a sex I don't think really a seven at one point. I think you're being I think you're being too hard I appreciate that I've asked the audience cuz I cuz you get dysmorphia on your own face. You see it every day. It's like, I'm pretty good looking. Yeah. But then I go, what am I 1 to 10? Awesome girl.

4. Hold on a second. In the audience or in person? In the audience. I get like... Nah, they're trying to be funny. The audience was like concurring. There was no like, haha. Anyway, so after the show she

goes I want you to take my born-again virginity. Yeah. And I was like oh no thank you. Yeah yeah yeah. Thank you but I that's so special to you whatever. Right. Then I go outside and then she goes at least kiss me. Wow. This is my HR lady. Your HR lady. Came to my show. So again, so you're 22, I think you were probably hot. You don't agree. What is she looking like? Who is she? She wasn't bad looking, but her personality was like this. Long, not like the nanny, but not as hot?

Yes, she looked a lot like the nanny. See, if anyone that was nanny adjacent tried to fuck me at any point, I'm so in I Fucked the girl who just kind of reminded me of the nanny a little bit once and it was a whole ordeal I think I was it was on at a fort when I was like a little kid. She is hot Dude, so it's not as hot as a nanny and you know, it's up? I watched the nanny with this girl that I'm talking about. Wait a minute. I put it on.

Maybe it linked up. We were discussing it and then I was like, yeah, I mean, this girl was like, she had like curly, basically just big curly brown hair. She didn't, she really was not, she was a little nanny coated. My ex-girlfriend played the nanny's daughter or her like niece or something.

There you go. Yeah, put up Jackie Tone the nanny. And you could have fucked, She was a lot like the nanny's daughter or her like niece or something. There you go. Yeah, put up Jackie Tone, the nanny. And you could have fucked the fake nanny, your shitty, the shitty HR nanny. T-O-H-N. Oh yeah, that's her. Yeah, go to the bottom right. Wow, there you go. Interesting.

Little did you know what you're, at that time when you were rejecting the bootleg HR nanny little did you know what? Lot of them are oh yeah, this the problem was though. She wasn't bad-looking Okay, how much older than you was she not that maybe she's like in her year for your four years We're 20s. Okay. Yeah, she was still in her 20s But she just the way she was oh yeah, she didn't four years old. Mid-twenties, okay. Yeah, she was still in her twenties. But just the way she was, she didn't... I mean, they're annoying. Yeah, but this was like, she would poke me

and like, I'm working. Too aggressive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't like a woman to be too aggressive with you. I don't like to be surprised and people poking me. Right, right. Or... It was a legitimate invasion of your like,

privacy and personal space. Yeah, and like you get that adrenaline of court as well, it's like bad for you to be, you know people just scare you and think it's funny. It's like, I don't think it's funny at all when you scare someone. Right, right, right, right. And watch it and they all think it's funny.

It is very low level, like it's caveman humor. It's Ellen DeGeneres, like what are you laughing at? You just scared your guests. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's Ellen DeGeneres. Yeah laughing at you scared. Yeah Yeah, it's Ellen's she's fucking Jack in the box box pops up and then if the bit doesn't work She goes back and fucking takes a cat of nine tails to a PA Just fucking whips I love the idea of Ellen just fucking how many twinks got fucking abused on that set idea of Ellen just fucking how many twinks got fucking abused on that set?

Like fucking little L.A. gay kids. They were getting their break in show business. This was just like fucking making them walk on hot coals to get her a fucking latte. Yeah, she was like, who should I have sex with? She's like, no, she was like, talk about who she should bang. Oh, wow. Interesting. Like, this writers in there. She was like talking about who she should bang. Oh wow, interesting. Look this is just hearsay. Love that, fuck it.

This is five person, tell us what you're saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Believe it. I love that though. I love, but that's, I have a soft spot in my heart for a female dirt bag a little bit too. That's why I kinda like the HR girl. Cause an abuse of power to try and fuck

a slightly younger than you less secure in the job that's usually a man's move yeah so I do kind of respect her doing it it's fun and at the end of the day it's like if the roles were reversed and it's some fucking Long Island piece of shit guy and you're some like you know young 21 year old temp it seems could get a little you know I mean like the threat of violence wasn't there for you. Yeah, yeah, it was like I could always be her you could always I'm gonna get ever got big nose Just from the voice alone. I'm gonna guess she had a nice snoz on her

Which is part of what I like about that about the nanny although I guess Fran Drescher doesn't let's fucking find her, bro That would be really fun to hit her up now, are you a single man I am and you know I worry this is gonna be the rest of my life Way harder now, right? I don't know what invites me to parties right right away there needs to be some social communities inter and you take it for granted and then you get to my age and it's like oh like nobody okay the game is young comedians who I really like at the clubs and I feel like we have a good relationship like they don't even and I wouldn't have there even think to invite me to a party I wouldn't write right like a older guy those parties

either I don't that's the thing like what am I gonna do there anyway that's happened to me that happened to me once where I was just like it was like a real moment where I'm like oh I'm not like I'm you're still you're young I know but like you go to like a great young thank you very much you know what it was it was like a it actually was a comedy show and it was like some backyard bullshit and it was just young comics putting together like a house party that happened to have a show there yeah and I was just like I am a decade older than these people. I can't see and I never even baby to me right? Yeah I mean, I mean you're like, I'm 35. I

Know I'm young you could pass too for your 20s for sure. Not for sure. I really Really promise you I'm gonna stop can like pass plus or minus 10 years. That is true That actually is true. That is true Yeah, if I were to put on a fucking you're 50 or 19 If I were to put on a hat You know what I mean? And like fucking close shave and like, you know But then if I fucking let the hair go and I'm wearing a fucking tweed jacket and I'm you know

I mean I could be your yeah, I have a little like character work Yeah, I'm gonna give the theater. I'm gonna get a local theater. I you know what i mean i could be a good and i don't have a little like character were denied his brain i'm gonna get a theater i'm gonna get a local theater i have a problem with his and all of the clubs that was to young and then there there's no women like all the uh... in their four years

like that they're like hanging around right if they are a club who will have stopped Right if they are a club Oh, yeah that lady sucked off mark norman and ari shafir at the same time Fes 2012 that bitch was airtight Big J's been paying her rent for six years because he feels bad about what Lewis did to her If a 40 year old hanging around the cellar The other option is you go on the app online. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. How's it looking?

I'm gonna have had I've met a couple of cool people for sure. Yeah, she went on like a day She was nice, but it's funny cuz I'm just like in my mind. I'm young so Mike. Oh, right. Here's an older lady You're younger than me Right, right. Just eight years younger than me. Yeah, no dude. Like, oh, this old lady. I threw a ring. Dude. Always hear young people.

I know, I know. So my age looks like it. Anyway. Yeah, I'm like, you know what, it's time I fucking dated a girl my own age, and I'm like, in my head, that's a 27-year-old, and I'm like, I am 35. You know, like, I've had that, like, a couple years ago,

I was seeing someone who was 25, and I was like, ah, a girl my age. Yeah, yeah. Because 25 just feels like the range. Like a couple years ago, I was seeing someone who's 25 and I was like ah girl my age Because 25 just feels like the range. It's really hilarious and delusional Well, it's you know the whole the math of it, which is pretty much work out half your age plus seven years Where did that come from? I don't know but it doesn't work. I've heard that for eternity and it just I don't know where what's the man behind 35 so you're looking at so 18 plus 7 so 25 25 yeah that's the youngest you should go 25 that's yeah well you know so it's a more of a guideline I guess but yeah it starts I mean who is dating like a 19 year old the guy from we were just

talking about this that it's fucked up I look judge, but I mean I know that's what's so crazy. Like I'm not listen believe me I'm not judging on this you know for the most part. I'm like look It's weird, but whatever as long as no one's fucking underage But you see a man who's 60 and he looks like he's fucking in a in like a sergeant pepper's costume You know he's got that weird bowl cut and like a fucking Fu Manchu And then you see someone that looks like his daughter straight up not even like a little bit But like has a has a like and when you're that old you can't you can't do 21 You can't do college graduate age at least give their brain a little chance to fucking fully develop

Could this be an amazing woman? Do you understand? Right This could be a very Yeah Very amazing woman I'm just saying The odds are very low that she's like a once in a generation intellect Because why would she be dating fucking Anthony Kiedis if that was the case?

Could he be an amazing man? No I don't think so. I think that's gone. I mean, if you talk to a 19 year old lately, it's really funny. I know, it's like you do a college or something and you're like, oh these are little ass kids. And then like two of them are hot as shit. I like them. I like young people.

But they get the Dunning-Kruger effect. Dun Kruger effect? I've heard of, I know the name, but I don't know what the fuck it is. I know I'm saying it wrong. Yeah, do I- Dun Kroger effect. I do it, I have it too.

I do it with like stuff. Where you start to learn something or learn about something and you get really cocky early. Uh-huh. Because you have this overinflation of like how much you know about something or your skill about something. And then there's the next phase when you dig deeper you get some competition ever you dive down

Like self-hating I saw right and then it becomes work and you get back up like that. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, how we do things? Yeah, it's really funny to see yes. I like I went to I Went to like a family friend's I went to a family friend's birthday, right? Like this little, this kid, that my brother's goddaughter, right? Who we, you know, everyone's like related, we all know each other. My parents were friends with, you know,

the woman whose daughter it was. And her, one of the kids was like, had gone to his first year of college. And to talk to a 19-year-old who has one year of the kids was like, had gone to his first year of college. And to talk to a 19 year old who has one year of college under his belt, who's just got his life. He's like, yeah, and I figure I'll get an internship and I'll just fucking, I wanna get into finance

and I'll just work at this place. And it's like, you know, he's talking about how he's like, yeah, you know, the frat house is pretty fun to live in. And it's just like no idea Like I when I see 19 year olds now, it's like the same I get the same feeling like when I see a baby and I'm like whoo You are so yeah What you are about I remember you thinking that with babies and being like oh this poor beautiful little thing is so fucked

Yeah, It has hopefully 60, at least 60 years of hopefully 75 years of mostly brutal, bro's learning feelings and like maybe four cumulative years of just like actual happiness. And I'm starting to feel that way about like 19 year olds now where I'm like, oh, how bad, you're 20, how awesome but also the lows are so tough too. It's so emotional, they are fun and I do like younger people and being around them

but there is a, that's not really bad, don't clip that out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I do like young people. The younger, the better Kyle Dunnigan, maybe that girl's real mature for her age. Just put those two together. Is it possible? Yeah.

Every like a little information, Dun Kruger. Like that's when they go like, like Israel all you have to do is... yeah it's so simple the problem in Israel. Is it possible it's not simple? Is it possible it's not black and white? Yeah, I know. I mean I do remember, it's this, I mean, you're describing also the, that is the most perfect representation of like stand up too, of like that open mic or conference. I did that, that happened to me too. It was like one gig I was like, yeah, then next year you're like, I'm gonna kill myself. That open mic, Eldis, at fucking EJ's landing, I mean, Eldis came to my first open mic, we've

been friends forever, and I was like, I did that open mic and made like, you know, 12 people, 11 of which were at the mic laugh. And I left that being like, well, SNL just around the corner. You know what I mean? And it's like, that was fully 16 years ago. And it was like, it was 14, 13 years for something good to happen to me.

It's probably a good thing that that happens psychologically because you get arrogant enough to keep doing something. You get a dopamine kick or something. Absolutely. I do music too. I have a band I just started which is like, you know, why start a band at this age? People are like, why, why start a band totally this age people? Yeah, I'll just start a band at 29 Kyle. I say

Like I wrote a few songs and I was just like we're going to the top I love it Like after that way now, these are not that that's legitimately cute to know that it can still happen Uh-huh. You know what? I mean? It like, you think you should know that that's not the case. Even for a second, that shouldn't creep into your mind, but there's probably like three afternoons where you're like, yeah man, we're gonna chart. This thing's gonna chart. I really felt that way.

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I've never felt more strongly about anything in my life. I the TUSHY today has truly changed my life. I wanted to change yours too. Take care of yourself from the bottom up. Feel shower fresh when you need it most and join the two million butts who already switched to Tushy for a limited time.

Our listeners get 10% off their first bidet order when you use code STAVI, S-T-A-V-V-Y at checkout. That's 10% off your first bidet order at H-E-L-L-O-T-u-s-h-y dot com with promo code Stavi Are you where you from though? Where you originally Connecticut? Oh, I live here in Europe for a few years. No, it's LA you were this is so funny Cuz Tom Papa's like my father. Yeah, I live with Mike my comedy dad him and Bobby And so yeah, he was just on the podcast and he just randomly mentioned

that you guys were like roommates in like one of the most horrific apartments of all time. You know to go no I'm not going to live here. I lived in that living room you saw out there was my first apartment in New York the living room the corner of the living room so I know about it. And then you expand it out. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we lived in a place there was no sink in a bathroom. It was a two bed half bath. You just walk in and there's like a kitchen. Yeah. And then there's like his room, my room, like a toilet and then we'd like brush our teeth in the kitchen sink. And then there's just like a rack in the kitchen for your clothes. It was, yeah, just, you know, awful. And that's when you're working at fucking Findlvatsen?

What's your room called? No, that was actually later in my life. I was with Tom. Oh, okay. Oh, so that was after your first... Yeah, Svenska was my, before I became a comedian. I just started doing stand-up like I just started and did you go and look we do a lot of research on this show Okay, one quick Google search, but you you went to Yukon or yeah Googled yeah

Yesterday what a waste of money Acting school. Yeah I mean, I'm just so lucky my parents paid for college home debt no I wouldn't have gone to Connecticut very Connecticut of you no my parents weren't rich I mean they he was fine but yeah they paid it I just this acting school and one of the things was called one of the classes called movement for the actor the name of it. So they would put on music and you literally

would just move around for an hour. And then someone would get on a chair and they'd be like, brr brr, brr brr. Where the fuck am I? And then one thing was this thing called Interpretive of Plays. And I swear to God, the weirder your reports were like you'd have to read like Streetcar of Named Desire and then you'd come in with your

report and it wasn't written out you had to perform a thing that was an interpretation of this play. Of the play just an interpretation of it not just the play. Just whatever you felt like doing. Interesting. Whatever you felt like doing interesting whatever you like doing yeah this one guy goes in and he put he read streetcar and he had those like a mirror in the rooms a ballet room too and you took out lipstick and he put it on himself and he wrote whore on the mirror and then he fucked the mirror fuck the mirror yeah and they got her no and then. And then. And then. He had his dick. I mean, we didn't see his dick.

Wow. Okay. But you could see his cheeks? Yeah, it was his ass cheeks. Wow. He's pressing his cock on the mirror. Yeah. And then he goes out to the door,

and he gives us all the fingers, he says, fuck you, and he runs out. Now, it's his interpretation of that. Of the play. I just sat there, A+. He gets an A. He gets an A. And then, so I'm like, I'm just gonna do something weird.

I didn't read this, it was Glass Menagerie, it was my play. Didn't read it, boring. I don't think it's good. Who's that, Tennessee something? I saw that movie, or part of the movie, anyway. Nice. So I got my mom, can you give me one of those like, your glass, she's like a crystal glass. I was like, can you give me one of those like, your glass, she's like

a crystal glass. I'm like, give me that glass. I got some string. I got an egg. None of this makes any sense. Love it. Yeah, yeah. And I took the string and I cut it and then the glass fell and broke and then I went outside

and there was a window and I buried an egg. Didn't read it. And he would say, what do you think you should get? I go, A. Gave me an egg. Didn't read it. And he would say, what do you think you should get? I go, A, gave me an A. Fuck yeah dude, that cost 40,000. Yeah. 15 grand, yeah. Yeah, it's like.

Yeah, I remember that. Were you an only child? Is that what it was? No, I was the youngest. Oh, you were the youngest. So they had kind of given up. But on you, there was lax. The rules were lax or no? In a weird way, no, because I was the yeah, they had kind of given up by you know you there was lacks the rule lacks or no in a weird way No, because I was the last one of my mother was like like being a mother a lot and identity and so she was like

Let's keep this one Interesting like we had the whole our whole carpet in my house was redone except for my room. I kept my room like wow So you were so you basically? Are like a it's almost like a monument to your mom getting to be a mother She was like it was like a farewell tour. Yes. Yes. Yes. How many how many siblings? To to one boy one girl, okay interesting very clever love my family for a family I'm very lucky and she I think wanted to be an actress and she. She wanted to be an actress, her mom did. Yeah, I mean, she kind of, she liked those, like,

doing performing things. But I do not need to go to college. Yeah, no. I mean, if they gave me, what was that, $200,000? They just gave me $200,000? Yeah. Yeah. I would get the best acting coach in the world.

Absolutely. Would have been better. Yeah, yeah, rent an apartment and fucking get a great coach and take, you know be fine never used anything Yeah, the Shakespearean class we had we'd go around a circle saying farewell and he was crack your voice It sounds more emotional. So we're going on going I'm not lying $50,000 a year just little tips and I was the big dick who sucked and would never make

it like everybody else I was the big asshole really no one they didn't think you had it really didn't yeah I mean also what are they you were fucking Yukon acting school I was fucking going to Huskies games and fucking nobody's giving a fuck no one's fucking you know I don't know that there's a great alumni No a horse shack and he was at the big star. Oh wow welcome back Connor And that's yeah, that's tough cuz I barely get that reference and I'm 35 So it's like you know the rest of these Anthony cases girlfriend not gonna get it for a while pricing memes if you don't know

I'm not gonna get it for a while. You've probably seen memes, if you don't know, he's like Mr. Kattar, John Travolta. John Travolta, folks Google it. But anyway, not a very... Welcome back. Yeah, that's a great... Mace sampled that, the Welcome Back Kattar, on when he came back to rapping, which is probably the... people have heard that. Yeah, it's a depressing, welcome back.

Welcome back. See, about it makes welcome back. Yeah he's like a special ed teacher. No he was he left this is the premise of this terrible show and truly is terrible. Yeah yeah yeah yeah. Cotter left the school he went there they left to go do something he came back to teach and they're like welcome back and his sweat hogs are in his class. The sweats. They need Bob Marino's, John Travolta, Horschach who's this guy that I know who hated Gabe Kaplan who was who was Kotter. Oh wow oh you knew Horschach. I met him a few times. Alumni Outreach Program. Oh my god what a total disaster. That's fucking awesome because I never even considered,

I was like, I wanted to do performing stuff and I did. I mean, there was a moment for me, I do remember this in seventh grade where I was like, oh, actually theater's gay and I'm a jock now, where I tried to like change my whole identity. Even though I did also try, I applied to Baltimore School for the Arts, the high school, the arts high school in Baltimore,

which is actually pretty good, Tupac went there. Tupac, and what's your name? Jada, that's where they met, Jada Pinkett Smith, yeah. Didn't know they knew each other, okay. Oh yeah, they dated in high school. I didn't know that. Yeah. Yeah, it's weird. There's a lot seems cool. She actually seems awesome To cuck somebody that hard to cuck a beloved icon that hard that is brain Melts moments before he's gonna win his Oscar. That's the other funniest party He was about his whole career culmination.

People forget he won the Oscar like 10 minutes later, but no one even fucking remembers he won for King Richard. And people just had to like watch him give a speech and he's like. That's so, that's true. That's so, what a moment. She's cool for that. Fuck Tupac in high school, which who I bet you.

Get your name. Yeah. I know. Yeah, I know You know poor will very about it, too. I mean the cuck thing all this perfectly and then him playing that character Who was like very defensive of his? Character in him. He did have that like wild-eyed resilience as Public say no, this is how it should be and man, Chris Rock handled that really well.

I know we're going back. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who cares? Who gives a fuck? Yeah, but I just remember, I just didn't even think I could go to acting school or like I remember listening to a An early Marin where he had Donald Glover on and he was like poor from Atlanta, but he went to NYU

For comedy writing and I was like in college. I was like what the fuck I know those I could have done that Yeah, and why you fucking it's all it's like It's it's sick. It's like, yeah, it's just like yeah You it's the same way you most kids are wasting money But it's also like they're just getting connected to actual rich kids in the end Well, if you're gonna waste your money at least wasted somewhere where that work is so important it's all it's purely Yeah, sure. I just felt like looking back again, I was like 19, you know, your brain is old. Were you doing like high school theater? That was like for girls,

that's the first time I was like, oh this is way like for girls. I was like tiny and they're like, oh you. Oh cute little Kyle. Yeah and so that was like the first time I felt some kind of like identity like oh This is something that like I can do this Yeah, I felt like that was something a little attention that way attention And I just gave me a little confidence, you know You didn't act out you weren't like an attention seeker outside of the stage like you didn't do funny shit little every now That I've burst was also like shy so it'd be burst and then I would feel like shame like a little cycle like that And then kids would be like like the cool kids or one time

We're like wouldn't let me sit at their table unless I did an impression like or do some fun I was gonna ask is that is that how because impressions work at every level People love them like from if you you're just impersonating the teacher, to like, you know, they'll work everywhere. Did you come up, cause I was doing fat clown shit, like almost like jackass level dares. I would do that up and I would mock people,

but if that wasn't working, like I remember one time I would like, I snorted Parmesan cheese for a laugh. You know what I mean? Like shit like that. You know what I'm saying? I would throw myself down a flight of stairs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so pathetic. How bad? Like before we figure it out, we just purely want attention.

I do like that kind of comedy though that's just like right at ya. Just like... Yeah. It's self-deprecating almost. Like you're the victim. It's almost... Yeah, it's shame that it's like... Elements of genders would never do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. almost it's yeah it's shame it's like humiliation yeah she would make she would throw you down the flashers you parmesan looking at her before for interrupting her dance her pre-dance stretching routine college was such an opportunity looking back I'm like look I did take other classes and I like them a lot and I never thought oh you should major in this never even crossed my mind like I had I had like a physics class I loved you know interesting and I would have

loved to gone to more classes yeah actually learn go to that weird like dance movement oh another thing a guy this one teacher he go it was Shakespeare which I'm horrible at you guys meeting Shakespeare So I don't know man, I can see well, that's pretty good I'm in so he goes everyone bring tights Well, you know sweet to do Shakespeare in tights. I'm like, I'm not going out and buying tights bring tights Oh, hey, and everyone's don't bathe and only eat spoiled meat

It's not the fucking 1600s dickhead. That's why don't have to fucking do this I go well those were they're like regular clothes. So she were our regular clothes and he was like get tights So now I never got died three weeks go by and then he goes, you guys still don't have your tights. And everyone's in their tights and he goes, go into the back room, there was like a dressing room, you know, he's like, on the upper shelf are my tights. Oh my God. So I'm in the back putting this old man's green tights on.

So I'm like, Kermit the Frog legs. I'm like, why am I here? Four years of my life. Ah, eldest, you know me. You know I love hitting a nice live sporting event, a live concert. I'm fresh off the O's game myself. Hey, I threw out the first pitch,

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Anyway. Were you getting slurped off at least? I got, I got, I lost my virginity and then like just one time. Nice. What was the context? Just party? It was horrible. No, it was horrible. Okay, hit me with it.

I was coming home alone from a party. Wow. Which was sort of my thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Going back to the dorm. I don't know why Ied on me like hey Kyle you gotta do more than just stand there. Right. I knew my friends would like just be like cool and like it would kind of happen so I just go to a part of the

I'm cool. And make this big, 105 pounds. So then I go home and I was walking home and there was this girl that was in my Spanish class. For some reason in my Spanish class it was when I wanted attention there and I talked a lot and I'd do bits. And the teacher was like...

It was a safe space. It was a warm environment for you. I know those feelings. Sometimes when you're like a funny person and you haven't figured out how to do it, certain people bring it out of you. Yeah, teachers are very important. Yeah. It's okay to like joke and have fun.

Yes, yes. A nurturing teacher for a kind of sheltered, about to be creative person is huge. All these songs, I had a tape and I passed them out in school and it kind of went around. They confiscated them all and this teacher had them. One of the songs was Talk to Your Weenie and it was a little dumb shit but I thought I was in big trouble but he get back and goes it's pretty good. I was like alright that gave me some of my confidence. So I'm walking back to this party and this girl who's in my class I didn't really notice she's like behind me and she was quiet she was hammered on the second floor of her apartment.

And she goes, Kyle, dang it, get out of here. And I was like, me? Okay. I was, I was never like been like, like inside a woman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was inside this woman, I don't remember anything. I remember just walking up and then I was inside this woman. You were literally just summoned upstairs by a this woman. I don't remember anything Summoned upstairs by just like this is what's happening now

You've been a victim in both your stories with women whether it's the HR woman or like, you know, you know what I do attract a Sexual predator like an overbearing predator type interesting interesting maybe though you're the little guy here safe this girl calls up to you from the second floor sees you and you just go up there and fuck her I don't remember anything in between I just remember walking upstairs and being like in her body and of course you know it's like four strokes and I'm like oh and she's like that and then above her bed is a skull and crossbones black now this is like height of AIDS. This is like- And you're raw dogging. Yeah.

Yeah. I was raped. So, rapists don't give you condoms. Yeah. So, I immediately, I don't think I got AIDS. Right. I know I got AIDS. Like, there's no...

I was just like suddenly like all the blood, I my god I walk home like I got aids from a pirate anyway this is this is humiliating but you know yeah cover of Time magazine like AIDS, like you have any sex, you have AIDS, you die immediately. So I'm like literally tears and my roommate... You're crying after you lose your virginity because you think you have AIDS? I don't know. Wasn't it like the sabbatical and the... Sorry man, it was a long time ago. I think enough time has passed where we can enjoy it. That's just so fucking sad

that was the first time you had sex you're fucking crying moments later I wish I could tell you I cried alone I actually went to my roommate who was a jock he was literally the he was literally like on the football team and I was just trying to tell him and I started doing that like one word crying words like I just damn that sucks bro you could get tested back then either it wasn't like oh really in for a ringerase test it was like you to go to a hospital and I was so young I didn't even know how to like yeah get a had to go to a hospital. And I was so young, I didn't even know how to like, get a cab and go to a, into town.

Like so I just like, I just had AIDS for a year. And you didn't have sex that year for the community. No, just to, I didn't want to keep the disease locked. Lock it down. Yeah. I mean something good did come out of having AIDS, which was, I actually ended up not having it. When I went to the doctor, I told him what had happened.

He goes, you had sex one time. For four seconds, by the way. Yeah, for four seconds with a girl. I go, yeah, and he goes, you don't have AIDS. I was like, just do the test. Yeah, yeah, he's like, okay. He's like, okay, but you don't have AIDS. They didn't tell you back then,

I think it's really hard for a guy to Get AIDS vaginal. I mean, I know you think it's a lot easier. I think I think so Yeah, it's like also if you're on this is a problem that out there. That's not true. I shouldn't get no No, let's get let's spread a little misinformation. We haven't we haven't done any of that. You know, we haven't really had a chance You can only get it if you're gay, I think This podcast started post-COVID, so we haven't really gotten a chance to spread misinformation.

Yeah. So let's start that, get that going. I do think it is harder. Yes, I do think it's harder. It dies, right? It's air, so any... Yeah. Anyway, so here's what's good that came out of it.

I love Billy Joel, like, favorite musician. I learned the piano just by Billy Joel songs. So he was coming to town and this girl was like, I have nine throne seats. Wow. You want the extra ticket. The girl you fucked? No, different girl.

Just a different girl. Wasn't fucking me. So the girl you fucked one time, you just never spoke to her again? I called her, I'm like, you have AIDS, you should get tested. I got it from you. Yeah, I was like, you get AIDS,

go get tested, you whore. Yeah. But she was also 21, which was so old. if she had sex with me she's had sex with No one else ever decided to do that. Let's be like really out there anyway Right you didn't like track her health see if I was if I was if I was convinced I had AIDS I would have looked at who I thought gave it to me and just checked and see is she losing weight I didn't have any sores. It didn't matter. I had a This girl I had this this fantasy this fucking putting on tights convinced you have AIDS

The whole package is so funny just putting all this disparate to information together like five three a hundred pounds and doing fucking like five three a hundred pounds doing fucking handstands. So I had this this fantasy that I would jump on stage at the Billy Joel concert I'm so close I'd rush the stage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was so clear to me then she took the tickets away, right? Oh, and I was devastated but then he came back around to New York City here and my friends and I were like we all got tickets top tier we could touch the back of the stadium oh but so far back hold on but go ahead so yeah so it was so you're literally yeah but he's singing piano man and we're hearing like Uptown Girl we're gonna sneak down so we all sneak down and

everyone got caught except for me my ticket says tear on it and every like 15 feet those guards flash it They keep pointing me where I want to go I get to the front of the stage and then they rush now I'm at this thing that I imagined it was crazy, right? Holy shit. Yeah, I'm like I got to jump on stage But I'm scared because I think they're gonna go to crap out of yeah, there's a girl next man Oh, hey, you want wanna jump on stage together? You know? Thinking, you know, should we be slower than they? Right, right, right, the gazelle.

You don't have to be the fastest gazelle. You have to be faster, quicker than the slowest one. So she goes, no, I'm a scary Mary. She said that to me. Never heard that before or something. So then I remembered, I have AIDS. I'm gonna die anyway. And the power of that, now you gotta understand, this is probably the first time AIDS ever did good.

It gave me the strength to like, and I did that. I actually have a video of me jumping on stage. Wow, because you were like, I'm gonna die anyway. Exactly, AIDS did good. I can't die with these regrets. Yep. And what happens when you jump the stage? I pat him on the back. I said, good job. He said, hey, thanks.

And the bodyguard bounced into him, knocked his shoulder. I can show you the video. That's pretty funny. And then 25 years later, I showed Billy Joel. I actually went. Some random thing, I got to be on stage with him. And then I showed him the thing. And I videoed him watching the video of him.

And it was really a full circle awesome thing. All starts with AIDS. Everything good starts with AIDS. I think. All starts with a little raw dogging. How long was that story? That was beautiful man. That was awesome. That is so fucking funny. All my stories are humiliation based.

That's the best stuff though. I mean it is funny to just live with thinking you had AIDS I and you make yourself sick like my liver my sheets were turning like yellow from John It's like I was I was breaking down. I was losing weight This is very document some people they if you think you have I think I'm very healthy. I think that's good. That's good. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I'm a fig. I just don't think about somehow Having nothing bad. How's your family's all right genetics mostly it's true. Yeah, I guess we're really not in fucking no not really

I mean, I guess my grandma's still fucking kicking She's going pretty I mean her mind's gone, but yeah, not even fool you though She's in that weird Twilight Zone where it's like you get her for like You know you just have to have the same conversation 40 times would you want someone to just end your life? Yeah, yeah When do you want it to just there's gonna be a thing where they just have like a blade Mm-hmm, just go boom yeah Yeah the way they kill a fucking pig or whatever. Yeah

Air so guillotine shouldn't or the electric chair. Shouldn't they just do that? Like yeah, just something that just seems like that would be more like they have those jet injection the lethal injure You feel like a pod but you could be like playing like nice music or You know, some people are like aware, but they're just not sure that would be that I think like blade spine The blade the blade part is where I have a little what's the problem with the blade? Why don't you just get anesthesia and get bladed? Okay, that way it's like you're fucking asleep You're like, oh, this is nice. I'm about to get bladed. Yeah

I'm gonna get bladed and you can decide your last activity Have a nice meal. God. Do you enjoy that? You know, do you enjoy your last meal? I think I will I mean I'm built. I'm about to go die, but it's like awesome. You're happy. What would you get? What would you get? What would you get to I would honestly get Korean barbecue? That's it Well, like a whole ice cream at the end of course What would you get? What would you get too? I would honestly get Korean barbecue. That's it? Well like a whole. Ice cream at the end of something? Of course.

Fuck. I asked you, all you said was Korean barbecue. You know what, I'm sorry, you're right, you're right. It would be Korean barbecue and it would be some nice cuts and then I would finish it all off with a bread pudding with chocolate chips in it, warm, topped off with ice cream. Bread pudding a a mode. I'm ready to go.

What would you get? Bread, kill me right now. What would I get? I mean maybe some spaghetti with a nice bolognese. Spaghetti? With a good bolognese. I mean that's like. That's your last meal?

Oh my god. I mean that's part of it. Okay, alright, alright. Backtracking. Alright, yeah, no, it was the beginning. He's like spaghetti with I don't know. Caprice. I like.

I want to go to a skate park and put at one of them. Do a suicide. That's my last beverage. Like a cut of meat or something. Yeah. I don't know if I really want that. But you know what's fucked up is we've had this discussion and we've had this argument over years.

You believe your Italian food is as good as any restaurants Italian food, so you would want to cook your own meal Wow, I wonder they let you do that Maybe I definitely would want to vet like how the sauce is made and where it's like coming from the chef to come to yourself But you don't want to cook it you do you admit here at least as you're about to die Maybe you're fucking old. I would want to cook it. Oh my god. Shut the fuck up I don't know why not want to cook your own exactly how I want it. You might blow it I wouldn't really care. I would do like orange chicken or something Like that actually doesn't sound bad either probably do like three or four of my comfort meals all that

Thank you followed by a Ben and Jerry respect. I don't need anything like you're Like eat with a fork you're describing how we lived at 26 years old As being 27 What you ate what I was Any kind of YouTube video do not yeah? Was all I ate it was 28. It was fucked up in here, man This apartment has seen some really fucked up orders mac and cheese in the microwave easy Mac of course I had a lot of easy Mac. Yeah, that's fair. I'll this I like that three or four your meals Kind of kind of create your own

Chinese buffet Myself in a food coma and yeah, not like I don't even want anything with a lot of bones Work that hard. I just want to like like mushy stuff You want a fucking trough full of fucking Chinese fried rice? Full of fucking Chinese fried rice Rangoon so fucking yeah, I'll cut up you want somebody to put a fucking seven layer burrito in a fucking Vitamix Anyone's requested a green juice Yeah, just a really green is to really fuck it that would be chilling if you're a fucking murderer

And then the last thing you do is really unnerve people by asking apparently green juice. It'd be a pretty good bit Apparently like prisons like barely even honor those the right way anymore I can't imagine I could because I would like you I think it want like a bite of a Big Mac Yeah, a little of this like they have to cap you like to rest Yeah, right also It's ridiculous like how did that start and why do like the worst guys of all time get that maybe if it's like I don't know Apparently apparently there's like a serial killer who requested like an elaborate like 10 or 11 things or something The prison got all of them and then he refused to eat any of it and i think like after that they're like okay fuck that well this guy's a real asshole i can't believe

he didn't fucking eat this the sous vide lobster yeah he sounds like a jerk this fucking guy who ate he raped and ate children he's you know we went through a lot of fucking trouble getting that fucking ribeye over here. You've gone too far. I would be psyched. We can eat this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what do you think? What's in the what's in the fucking.

Well, now I'm thinking Big Mac and fries. Don't let him. I want to know. But like, I do want like that kind of comfort And then a mac and cheese bite. I want a blinks fried dough from New Hampshire Familiar with it so blinks fried dough. Yeah, they make this fried dough. It's so good. It's like Like with that what's the carnival shit? It's kind of like that Blinks fried dough there it is. Mmm. Look like that. It's like just blinks fried dough. There it is.

Mm, look at that. See that five stars. Look at that, look at that picture of it. Like a funnel cake. It's just the best thing you've ever had. That looks pretty good. I'm not. They have a hot lava cake with chocolate

and vanilla ice cream on top of that. Oh yeah, now we're talking. I want some popcorn and peanut M&Ms as well. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Oh, can you get that? No, they wouldn't give you that with that. Yeah, it depends how they kill you, I guess. No, you can't is the this is remember this is our suicide before we get into the suicide pod. You're not a prisoner Oh, I thought I was thinking Yeah, the suicide pod but no I do think sometimes I think like like my grandma was like begging to be sent to Greece to die And it's like shit me to Greece Yeah

And so and we were like you can't and then we took her to Greece Because my cousin got married and she was she wanted to get back to America. So way So fast, she fucking hated it really it's like she forgets that you're in a village with no fucking AC There's no like, you know brought her back you brought her to die. Then you brought her no No, she was never gonna just like leave her by herself their last request. Yeah I know I was like I was trying to talk to my cuz Some people are family were like well. That's what she wants It's like yeah, but she's like a fucking bait you know like when a baby's like I want to go to the moon

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In the bathroom? My bathroom. What are you, are you looking directly when you're shitting or? No. Okay, good. It's a stand up situation. Nice, nice, nice, nice.

Yeah, that wouldn't be good. Because I wouldn't want one of my favorite foods. Look, I'm looking at Blink's fried dough, it looks delicious. I don't think it would help your shit. I don't think it would give you healthier shits. No, it's horrible for you. It's all dough and fried and shit.

Yeah, no, it's it's terrible Was is that like beach food? Is that what that is? The family go to New Hampshire was that you were just there a couple weeks ago. I had some I just I don't know I I really the one big pleasure in my life is gotta be food and I can't eat anything I can't eat anything delicious without paying a huge price So it's like I don't even need to look online or go to a doctor This is the diet I can I can eat Okay, if I put anything in my mouth and I feel the emotion of joy after spitting

Everything that's discussed everything that is like I'm like, that's that's what you know, I can never look I look okay, I can eat that's that's what you know I can only look okay I can eat that that's good what are you eating like green she I'm eating really well for the past two weeks I really got like sick you know from eating and so I've just been past two weeks and it's fine and I I mean I'm lucky I can like get food and I have food and I know that's some people don't have that. Okay, where'd that come from? fuck You're lucky you can get food I know but the fuck man, you know, there's a lot of bad stuff going on. We don't have the

Every sentence be like, yeah, I'm lucky no one's bombing There's a lot of bad stuff going on. We don't have to have the every sentence. We like I'm lucky no one's bombing. No one's pretending this podcast studio is a Hamas base and bombing it. I could see your audience like a bunch of Ethiopian children watching your show being like, OK, you get food. So I wanted to say I get food. So I'm just like I like this morning. It's just like kale, gross.

Yeah. Yeah. And then I'll have like Greek food this morning. It's just like kale gross and then I'll have like Greek foods great it is so I have like this like just lamb nothing and like kale nothing That's pretty delicious. Yeah, the lamb. Yeah, whatever the meats good meets good meat and a nice Greek salad and then I fast I go fast for like after seven I stopped being that I eat again So you probably were never at any point fat in your life. No, but like I don't get fat I'm like I such a small frame. I just would get like a I get like a that weird little Look yes, that doesn't go anywhere on my leg just goes on my But I don't even do the fasting

for looks it's all just for health I just want energy because I I'm just I guess I'm very sensitive to food if I eat the wrong stuff I'm like laid out or like in pain I'm like it sucks yeah but it sucks but like I get food I have food yeah you're very lucky you're very lucky you have access to a grocery store. Yeah. Water. That's awesome, man. If anything, I need water. Blink's Fried Dough.

Check out Blink's Fried Dough. Check them out. Use promo code, promo code Kyle. Promo code. Promo code diarrhea. Did you guys go all the time to like, that was the go-to vacation spot? When I was a to like that was a vacation spot? When I was a kid that was like the most fantastic, I still love it there.

It's stuck in the 80s. There's like arcade games and you could walk. That was a thing. I grew up in Connecticut where there's nothing around and I could just walk to a candy store and be like give me candy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Little peanut brittle. Oh, that's cute.

The cousins were older and they were so cool and they're so nice to me they're older kids so they're super cool but now we're all so old it's like it's like depressed a little present back was also cool do they have kids and shit are you are you on uncle mode yeah I mean I I have four I have nieces and nephews. And they're all awesome. And yeah. Yeah, I'm thinking about the, cause you know, I'm like, man, maybe just uncle is enough for me.

Having kids seems like a lot. You know what I mean? Mark Maron has a funny just take on it. Where it's like, aren't you lonely never kids? It's just true. It's not like take on it where it's like aren't you lonely never kids is it just true It's not like a joke. It's like it's like I've never been lonely and been like I wish was a kid here Yeah, pardon me is like I should have a family but I'm like There's so much time went by and I never in like oh, I wish there were kids here Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I wish somebody was stopping me from watching heat when I really feel like watching it

Threw up well, I was yeah, it's like a watch blue II Fuck an iPad well they're just it's also such a gamble to have a kid. Oh, yeah What if you think it's I'm mean forget it could kill you or like Like, you know, there's so much, you know mental things could happen and you're just you know, it's just such a gamble I know I was I was with a room full of People who had kids and they were mine It was mostly comedians honestly and like whatever people who like have a good sense of humor and I was like Statistically like one of your guys kids is probably gonna be a fucking piece of shit. Oh, yeah

There's like seven of you you all have one or two kids One of them is gonna be a fucking asshole and they just Did not no one even cracked a smile Cuz like whenever when the babe it baby, it's so funny to think that even the worst guy of all time was a fucking cute ass baby. Yeah, so I was like, oh, hit me. Yeah, this is hit me.

Yeah. And he's like, yay, cheers. Every douchebag was a cute ass baby. It's just so cute. The worst person you've ever met in your life was so fucking cute. It was adorable. just like drank fucking apple juice in a cute way And like said a word Yeah, I don't know I I think it's great being a parent and I admire that it's so much work and I you see

How exhausting? For the mothers in particular. Yeah, where I see my friends who are starting to have kids It's so much work and I you see how exhausting for the mothers in particular, where I see my friends who are starting to have kids. I'm like, oh, okay. So that actually, yeah, they get out. That actually makes me think like, man, maybe I could have fucking kids. I mean, the fucking woman's going to do it. The fucking piece of shit like, uh, uh, you know, like, oh, I guess this is another nice big societal perk where, but that is like pure biology

Unfortunately where it's like that baby just wants to be around his mom. Yeah, I mean, I'm sure there's feeding is a lot Yeah, yeah, yeah sucks. That's why I've also decided not decided, but what I've thought is like, oh Maybe there's a few paths that I see unfolding in front of me. Okay. Uncle, great. Think I would be just the fucking best uncle. Absolutely. You know what I mean? But then also, and then you can do traditional,

have a family, whatever. Also, stepdad is something that I am just now getting into. Yes. Then I'm like, you know what? I see what's good about this. I like that a lot. I skip all the crying and shit. Imagine.

You go, oh, it's something good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ultimately, you know what I mean? Yeah, it's like, and then you can, and then you just pop in, you get a kid with doing half the fucking work. You know what I mean? I imagine my-

Seems nice. The conversation you have with the kid, you know? Cause you're cool, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give him a cigarette, make're cool, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give him a cigarette, make him feel, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I'm like your pal, don't think of me as... Yeah, yeah.

You and your mom, I bet you and your mom are number one. I know you're number one to your mom. I wish you knew that. And he's like, this guy is fucking cool. That's the kind of step that I'd be. That's a fun step that I was thinking of it more as like, I just usurp the father's position It's like as I would I do the math on who the kind of woman with a kid that would

That was that would mean it would be like now Some real I don't see the dad being in the picture is what I'm saying. Yeah We've done that could be a problem. It could be a problem You don't know the divorce how the divorce happened the. The best thing, God forbid, best thing, he died. Right. Best thing. And in a way, like she didn't really like him too. There's no picture of him everywhere.

Right, right, right. She's like, I don't know about that guy. He was on the fence, he's dead. On the fence, fell off the fence, died. And she's like, I love you, fuck that guy. This is my kid, if he's ever a problem, tell me, I'll take him away. And you can be cool. That is the best case scenario.

What does it look like? Yeah. Is that the worst thing? I never really thought like I wanna, I guess you'd love it more if it looked like you. I guess biologically, but. People say like you've never known a love, it like this.

I don't believe that. We shouldn't believe it, otherwise it's tragic. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's the thing, it's like, it's kind of like both sides have to believe that the other one is wrong. He is, it's worse.

Yeah, because it's such a huge. Because they have to believe that this is some crazy intangible thing that's worth all the bullshit that sometimes as you said that they turn out really shitty and they don't like you and they some of them murder their parents literally blow their heads off and then does what about that I'm really into the family annihilators oh my YouTube was like here's the family annihilators. That's a lot of my YouTube's like, here's another family annihilator. You didn't hear YouTube tell you what a piece of shit you are? Of course, of course.

Mine's all just like people falling down, family annihilators, and airplane crashes. I love that. Mine's a lot of jacked girls doing pull-ups and stretching their thighs and stuff like that. It's pretty cool, honestly. Yeah, my Instagram's a little too many boobs. And I got to cry out like that.

Oh, mine's nothing bad, unfortunately. But it's like, it knows... Yeah, it knows what you like. It rewards what fucking works, you know what I mean? They know what you like. Yeah, somebody's like, I bet you have the funniest for you page. It's like, ha ha ha, yeah.

It's really... Oh, it's so silly. It's like, ha ha ha, yeah. It's really, oh it's so silly. It's not a series of, you know, sex workers giving out free samples for their wares, essentially. It's basically the like, the Costco free sample tray, but for OnlyFans. That's what my fucking Instagram is, basically. Yeah, mine's like boobs, 9-11 calls. Yeah.

And then like, guy falling down. I get a lot of videos of like, guys telling cop, Instagram is basically like boobs 9-eleven calls Guy falling down I get a lot of videos of like guys telling cop like guys telling cops to fuck off You know like when a guy beats a cop it's like You legally you have to bring your sergeant and it's like the dumb cops like have their body cams on there This guy's a piece of shit. What can we hang on him? You know what? I mean, it's like I love videos of cops getting caught, which they're few and far between, it's almost all cops just railroading some poor fucking asshole, but.

Yeah, it is, the algorithm does work. I mean, I do go, wow, this stuff, and then I'm very satisfied with my algorithm. I can't stop. And then I'm like, hmm. It's just so fucked up because you just see on the phone Like a woman so hot that it would have driven your ancestors to madness and you see like 40 of them right, you know what I mean? Like I have moments where I'm like

How do I fuck this lady? You know what I mean? Like there's a part of me that's like, what do I do to fuck her? Yeah. And then I'm like, all right, man, I gotta go take a walk. I gotta put my phone down for an hour. You know, it's like an AI generated non-human. Oh dude.

When they get that technology, when they just like kinda, they're able like 3D print, they're able like 3D print the body and then get a Computer face and you fuck it in a sex doll that oh That's gonna be over game. It is gonna be the end of loneliness and I'll tell you it's gonna be the end of relationships These robots that are coming. Yeah, very soon. Yeah, and this AI thing. Okay, just imagine cuz right now watching the video and jerking off, pretty good. If you throw a robot in the mix, we're close now as is.

If you throw and the robot knows what you're watching. So it does all the movements. And then like, also like you like, you want to fuck your secretary. You can just like snap a picture and then AI will make exactly your secretary. Fuck you. And then like your wife is like, what you're you'd be you start to fall in love with this robot Yeah, you don't have relationships that really would trick your entire brain except for like one little part Yeah, like in the matrix guys cut a stick. He's like, I know it's not a steak, but I don't care

Yeah, no, we won't even need the matrix you'll get a studio apartment with a fuck doll and that will be it by the way It's not just the fuck doll you were gonna be so in love. This thing will never complain You're gonna come home like how is your day and you're gonna program it to even give you shit or right? How are you? That's your thing? You like to fight with you. I like a girl to like poke me Take my asshole virginity Kyle Yeah, fuck my ass again The pussy's all used up, but the ass is fresh Fuck my ass.

And Thanksgiving pops up. Oh, shit, sorry. Oh, I forgot it's programmed to come suck me off every Thursday. I forgot to cancel for Thanksgiving. Yeah. And then just, yeah, there's it's gonna be really interesting I wonder if it's gonna be like you have to buy a whole it's probably extra 10,000 Just think of it as a business. They're probably gonna say the robot and then the amenities are gonna be where they really in app purchases

Ads yeah, I take off as you want another asshole Oh look, we give you a little bit. Oh, look, we can give you a big sloppy pussy, but you want that thing signed up. Sure, sure. It's gonna be two Gs. They'll think I'm a jerk. Oh.

Yeah, we can give you the sloppy pussy, no problem, but I think I'd be really happy with this anal package we got working today. Look at this, his fucking finger. Did you order it? Oh, it's like a fucking Chinese finger trap, this fucking finger. No, it's like a fucking Chinese finger trap, this fucking thing. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha to be like that. Will it have the same effect for women is my question. It won't, but I think it will have enough where they will, they will.

Will they get sexual about you? Will this be a let's placate the incels and there will be an incel underclassed. I think they get like eat out robot. Yeah, oh true, true, true. And more like listening and then like, Trish is a bitch at work, she's trying to destroy you. You should get away from her.

Right, right. He goes and does the laundry and stuff like that. Be like, you're so pretty today. I'm thinking, not all of them, but there's a large amount of women robot, but they're also gonna be, yeah, we're not gonna really need each other soon. I think it's soon. I think it's like 10 years.

You think 10? Yeah. I don't know, it's I get soon. I think it's I like ten years Yeah, it's getting I mean I don't know it's like at one point will they be like Affordable enough to be like a cell phone or something where everyone just has a cell phone Oh fuck. Yeah, I got one in the fucking claw. Even if you don't really think do I have a PlayStation? They change the pussy shape They're all nice the pussy shape charge charge. The pussy charger is different now. Yeah Go in hours a bunch of old robots in like garbage cans Yeah, I mean it is interesting Because more and more and it would be interesting to talk to somebody who's like 18 is interesting because more and more, and it would be interesting to talk to somebody

who's like 18 about this, because more and more, life just does happen online. Like younger people just have really deep, meaningful relationships, fully online, in a way that does make me feel, like we joked about it earlier, but that's the shit that makes me legitimately feel like, oh, I am not like of this generation

Yeah, I'm where it's like I kind of was I was never really even we were growing up like you I feel like you and our and others of our friends would have like some of them You know, it was like you'd be on aim a lot more you'd be on Forums and shit like that. I just was never an internet guy really and it still makes like I still don't really get fucking discord I don't fucking I'm not on that shit that much and but younger people like especially like kids now. It's like so much of their lives just seem to happen online and on the computer where it's like and then you have a

generation of kids just went to school during this fucking weird COVID shit. It's just in there. I can't imagine it has been so easy seems so easy to be like, Google. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's a thing about, the love you feel and the interest, it actually comes from you,

so you don't really need to have, you can actually trick, I mean, you look at cast, Tom Hanks loved that volleyball. All he needed was a volleyball, he fucked the volleyball. We related that because the love is from him, and you put the love on somebody, and it's real. You can get by with cocon was a volleyball. He fucking volleyball. We related that because the love is from him. That's a great point.

And you put the love on somebody and it's real. You can buy with coconuts and volleyball. Oh yeah. Imagine what you can do with air conditioning, Wi-Fi and a fuck doll. All the seamless you could fucking want. Yeah. Oh, that's true man. And peep and it's like you look at like Japan where it's like sex rates are down.

Oh those started. Japan will be the big like robot fucking relationship. That's where it's like sex rates are down. Oh those started Japan will be the big robot That's where it's coming relationship Probably go to parties with your robot after a while I think you're ashamed and then it'll be accepted and people just like show up with the robot and dressed the robot up And it'll be like this is this version. It's you know well. I don't know I think it'll be kind of like a mail-order wife I don't think they'll ever get all you shame of it You know what I mean words like I don't think they'll ever get over the shame of it. You know what I mean?

Where it's like, I don't think you'll be able to just bring your robot around maybe. You'd be able to bring it around. What about like 100 years from now though? Like where it's so, like all those old people who just had robots and felt shame. You just got regular pussy. Like there's no shame.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe like a robot march, stop making us feel shame. Yeah, yeah, yeah. After that happens, we'll be like, yeah, right. Yeah, fuck, well who knows? I mean, we'll be dead. We'll be dead by then But hopefully we get a little piece of robo pussy before that's all they really asked for Here's where it would be great retirement Yeah, that's in the retirement home. Yeah Your grandma or grandpa to be like have a robot. You're just like so alarmed at how young your grandpa sets his robot to?

Oh, that's the thing. Your grandpa's like, it won't go lower than 18! Yeah. What the hell? That's pretty low grandpa. I can't set it to Vietnam lower than 18! He's trying to relive his GI days. He's trying to.

It's broken! Get it lower than 18 Very funny joke Another funny cuz it's true All right. Well, I think it's time we kind of get our expert We've been we really solve societal problems. The macro we forecasted the macro time to deal with the micro problems of our listeners here. I do. I have to take a whiz.

So I take a piss. Yeah, this is the perfect. No, no, no, no, it's all right. There's the there's the midway point. We'll roll some ads right here. You know, here at the Stavis World podcast, we're deal hunters, we're deal seekers, but we don't like to say to people tell us there's a deal and then there's a whole bunch of bullshit hoops to jump through.

You know what I mean? Try, try getting out of a gym membership. Those motherfuckers make you walk down there, do it in writing. It's all a bunch of bullshit and they're going to charge you through the nose if you want to re-sign up. That's why I was a little skeptical when Mint Mobile told us they got nothing writing, it's all a bunch of bullshit, and they're going to charge you through the nose if you want to re-sign up. That's why I was a little skeptical when Mint Mobile told us they got nothing but good ass deals and it was going to be easy.

What can I say? I'm a skeptic at heart. They have right now three month plans, only 15 bucks a month, including their unlimited plan. I'm thinking these mobile companies, they got your nuts in a wringer. They say it's nice, but it's hard. Easiest switch we've ever made. Our business line here at Stavvy's Baby Enterprises is on Mint Mobile, blazing fast.

Their wireless, their network, unlimited, 15 bucks a month. Eldest has to answer all my calls. He literally has a business line now on Mint Mobile, and I have him at my disposal whenever to get subpar producing whenever I need it. If you want to be like us here at Stavi's World to get this new customer offer and your new three-month premium wireless plan for just $15 a month, go to MintMobile.com slash Stavi that's MintMobile.com slash Stavi cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at MintMobile.com slash Stavi 45 bucks upfront payment required equivalent to 15 bucks a month new customers on first

three month plan only speed slower above 40 gigabytes on a limited plan additional taxes fees and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. All right folks, we're back. We've all pissed. We're ready to go. Anything to plug here at the Midway Point, my friend? Hey, just KyleDunningit.com. If you go there, if you want me to come to your town,

I got a pop-up now where you put your zip code in. Oh, nice. No spam, but if I go to your area, you'll get an email. You'll get a fucking email. No other spam, if I go to your area you'll get it. You'll get a fucking email No other spam just women in your area Spam I don't do spam no spam this fucking guy no links no nothing All right, LD. What do we got? My little brother had this girlfriend.

They started dating when they were both 17. They did it for two years and they broke up and my best friend started dating her after they broke up. So it means he was 22. She was 19. He just got her pregnant. And you know, I was pretty mad at first, but I honestly don't give a fuck anymore and that is pissing my little brother off to no bounds and I'm not really sure how to deal with it because this has been my best homie since middle school and he honestly could not give less of a fuck and

I really don't at this point either am I being a bad brother? I mean I stopped talking to God for Months and months and I eventually I just got over it, but my brother already has a new girl and has gotten her pregnant Wow, dude, this is fucking white trash This is hilarious Girl and has gotten her pregnant. So I don't really know why he'd still be mad. Boy, I guess I do know why. Yeah. Am I a shit head for not caring and continuing to hang out with guy now or, uh, am I just

the vibe and just chill with him? Anyway, thanks. Let me know. Uh, you're, you're fat. Love you. Bye. Uh, he's definitely a shit head. Let me figure it out, thanks for letting me know. You're fat, love you, bye. He's definitely a shit head, let me figure it out, but not because of that. This is, yeah, I mean, this is,

truly these people are fucking so stupid. Like, these guys are awesome how fucking dumb they are, how truly trash. Everyone involved in this. It's amazing that our race, it used to be like this, like, survival, now it's just like the dumb

The people are thoughtful people are just not getting pregnant Just 19 year olds that fucking with no prospects. I'll just blow your tits. I forgot to I guess we should have a kid. Oh yeah, we're gonna be the parents. I guess we should just be parents. Should I be mad at my pr- I mean least of your, my thoughts are like least of your problems. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, just how about this, number one thing you should do, not get anyone pregnant.

Everyone around you is fucking raw dogging, blowing inside, 19 or 20 year olds and just don't do that. He probably has three kids, this guy. If I was a girl who's pregnant I'd be mad that he, what are you upset about your ex-girlfriend or anything? Well, so this is very strange because he's not really, he is essentially a neutral party here. Yeah. So it's his brother's, his brother's,

his best friend impregnated his brother's ex Right his brother is simply mad that he's not showing enough displeasure And I'm not saying it's good, right, but it's also like You fucking you have another key like yeah, like that's time pass. It's over. I mean If the girl if he didn't immediately get someone else pregnant I would almost be like I see where your brother's coming from Maybe just be discreet about it. Don't don't like you keep saying like I couldn't give a fuck at all It's like you're being a little aggressive. You should be a little ashamed

You should feel a little bad that you're you know I'm gonna guess doing dabs and doing donuts in your Scion TC with this guy, but like Whatever it's it's also funny because there's nothing tangible here. He's not like oh, but me and my friend are like In dude we have this business relationship that I can't it's like he's just like at the end of the day This guy's awesome at chilling. And I would just rather drink beers in a parking lot with him than like care about my brother's feelings. And at the same time, I kind of, I'm on his side. I would say if the brother was like, and couldn't get laid, this was a devastating thing. You gotta be a little sensitive.

But the brother went off, he's clearly getting laid, he got someone pregnant, and time went by. Totally. My conclusion of yours too, he shouldn't feel bad, it's over, the little brother needs to suck it up. The little brother's like, come on man, you don't get to be mad. It's just such a weird thing to be like,

well, for a girl I fucked. Way more, once way more things that happened to the brother Yeah, that was yeah, I thought that was like the worst thing that happened to a person But that is the funny thing about when someone is so young and immature and has kids It's like they are playing they have the emotions of a child and they have the responsibilities of a fucking grown adult You know what I mean? Yeah, Mary was 13. Mother Mary, 13, she was like 13, 14 when God, when God nutted in her, God, I mean, he did pick, you know, you want to get a 13 year old and then don't tell her parents.

Don't tell. Shh. Just let her be known as a whore. I like his, he took care of her. He gave her a donk in an outdoor barn. So he took care of her. He gave her a donk and a cock to take care of her. He's like, here's a barn. I got you a barn.

Hotels are booked. I couldn't really. God couldn't. Get him doing something a 13 year old not, at least get her an Uber home or something like this. You'd be like. Wow. God raw dogged a teenager and made Jesus pretty fucked up. Pretty problematic.

He sent an angel to do it, to tell her. Yeah, for what I understand, the angel sucked him off and he spit the jizz in Mary's pussy. It was a suck off situation. I think that's from the book of Ephesians, I believe. I'm no scholar, but I believe it does say that. I believe it was Leviticus who said. We have two worlds. The scholar's probably very religious

and does believe that too. It's like dropping in on their Bible study group. So let's look at this with real world. Let's look at this with real world. This is the next size I always like. We're best friends. Let's say you impregnated one of my brother's exes.

How would I respond to that? I would honestly just keep hanging out with you. It would be weird for a few months or maybe even a couple years, right? But especially if that brother like... And then I'm trying to think of myself like let's say one of my brothers... I don't know. Either way, it's fine.

It's a little weird. The problem here is that these two people have children on the way. That's the issue. The weird, the weird like jealousies of like, that was my pussy. That doesn't matter. Yeah. That was mine. Hey, what the hell?

Hey, give it back. Hey, I have, my dibs goes for three months afterwards. You have to respect that after the breakup. That doesn't matter, but but man these kids are fucked these babies are so fucked but yeah you're good man keep fucking keep hanging out with this guy Wow well we really solved that we solved that one that was easy that was nothing give us some recording this multiple times because I can't keep it short but I'll try to this time. Basically I've

been in love with the same guy for over a decade but for one reason or another mostly his fault. It never worked out. We'd always kind of find our way back to each other though. Also I'm an idiot and keep giving him chances. I'm an idiot and keep giving him chances. Yes The last time things ended we agreed to stay friends which Didn't work So I bailed on that over three years passed and we had kids with other people Our kids are actually two weeks apart. Which I find kind of weird but anyways About a year ago we reconnected through a mutual friend

Of course it started with casual Casts and ketchup showing pictures of our kids But it turned into us confiding in each other about how unhappy we are in our current relationship But we hate our partner. Oh, this is dark. He's actually dating my old roommate. Oh my god! Is that the brother of the other guy?

Yeah, this is, every sentence is brutal! Every sentence is a new, tough thing to stomach here, elders. Jesus Christ. All right. Let's see if she can keep this streak. She's got the like depression multiplier on now. Perfect score. I know we all have COVID-19. We lost our legs in the war. OK, what's next?

All right. Here we go. Here we go. Make matters even weirder. He admitted that he Fucked up, and he's always been in love with me Never working out Time the charm now we're in almost constant contact Basically emotional cheating at the very least We haven't acted on it aside from like some tech sexing

but after nearly 15 years I'm still very much in love with him so yeah I'm torn between blowing up our families for this or facing the reality that it might not end well might not I noticed we did get together I don't even think his current partner would be shocked Everyone who knows us would probably say fucking finally. No work. This isn't the off. You're not Jim and Pam That's not how this shit works man Convince me he loves me or sick of hearing about it like Your friends are like oh this guy again absolutely there's no work 15 years 15 years tough stuff yeah give us the

tail end of this eldest shit out but you know am I just a fucking idiot that left this asshole convinced me he loves me or there's a reason why we keep finding each other again. Don't know. A reason? There's no magical reason. A reason. Here's the reason, you let him do whatever the fuck he wants.

He's unhappy. And if anything, you'll be the fucking bridge to divorce. But it ain't gonna be you. I feel bad for because… Yeah, you get stuck and it's hard to see your way through these and then you're kinda in a

hypnosis state when you really love, you get that, and it's like the fantasy, right when the fantasy wears off they break up, it seems like, and then the time goes by and the fantasy comes back and they hook up and they, the reality sets in. She's just, the fact that she's already like, well no one will be, I bet people would be like, about time, ha ha ha.

And then we'd have a big wedding and the fucking, the sun would part and a ray of sunshine would gleam just on us and we would kiss. I actually have some advice for her. Please. Write down in your phone like the things you don't like about it

And what bothered you before you broke up? because Guaranteed those are coming back. Mmm You might go oh wait, you know, I don't want to even though I'm very attracted to him I don't want to like hook up and be a family with this guy and My wagon to him. It seems like once you've done it three times, it didn't work out.

I mean, this is tough. The odds of it working out are super low, right? Yeah, and absolutely. I guess the other thing is that's crazy to me is like, who the fuck did you have the kid with? She didn't even mention him. Oh, that poor schmo. She didn't even fucking mention this guy.

She mentioned who he's dating. It's her old roommate. It's like this is fucking not that poor guy. Oh, man. I hope he's not like in life I hope he's cheating Trying to break up with her that's the only that's the best-case scenario Who are you who's the yeah, what is the other relationship I Mean look you should have fucking here's my true read on the situation is This you are so he is probably dissatisfied with his situation and you have been constantly there for him and Constantly allowed yourself to get trampled to make him feel better

He probably came out of every time you guys dated empowered feeling better about himself ready having the self-esteem to actually date the women he was gonna treat with baseline respect All if and I am against I get the fairy tale shit, and I understand 15 years. I'm I'm 35 So it's like so this is like the equivalent of like somebody I dated at 20 Like I everyone has that one that got away idea where it's like wouldn't it be nice if maybe we it worked out, right? It's not gonna work out my advice is don't fucking try it, but what I would tell you is, if it's gonna be different, you have to stop,

you have to stop basically just accommodating this person and you have to fucking say, A, you have to be realistic and say, you have to leave the person you're with, right? Be a fucking, actually, you clearly don't wanna be with this guy, you haven't mentioned this fucking guy one time, so you gotta get out of that. clearly don't want to be with this guy, you haven't mentioned this fucking guy one time. So you gotta get out of that, and then you have to tell this other guy, hey, I don't want to do this.

If this is gonna, if we have fucked around too much, if this is gonna happen, it's gonna happen for real. No fucking cheating, no sneaking around, I, you know, let's commit to being together. And that's what it's gonna take. There's no, like, situation ship, string me along type of shit but ultimately I don't think you have the nuts to do that. I think you're just enamored with this fucking guy. I wouldn't even leave that like window of possibility open. Like... I know, I know, but this woman is going to fucking do whatever this guy wants. So at this point this is like harm mitigation at this point, this is like harm mitigation. Yeah. At this point where it's like, look, don't you have to stop this

and you have to either fix your actual relationship or leave that guy. And you have to fucking go to therapy about why you're hung up on this person. But if you want it, the only reason I'm saying this because you're probably going to do it anyway. If you are going to make this, if you're going to do this for real and give this a one last try and want your fairy tale, whatever, it has to be different from him. You have to demand this guy actually treat you with fucking actual respect instead of, you know, what? How did you describe him when they first started dating?

respect instead of you know what what how did you describe him when they first started dating like I've been in love with him for over a decade you know mostly him right giving him chances like did he's gonna fuck this shit up like you have to the only chance this has of actually working as if you are somebody he fucking respects now and the only way you can do that is by setting fucking boundaries. I say you're out of your mind and this shit is clearly not going to work. This isn't a fucking fairy tale. You know, fool me eight times. Shame on you.

Is that how it fucking goes? No, that's not how it goes. So but look, you heard it here. These are some harsh truths. that conversation about kids being hard You're probably just dissatisfied all For a lot of different reasons life is very hard right now And this is like for both of you maybe even there's this like whoa what if this is the answer to everything? It's not life is just fucking hard

It's like and and especially for you you are at risk of being let down for him Let's say he even does give it a chance. There's like wait. I don't want to do this He'll just dump you like he's dumped you fucking ten other times and then he'll text you six months later And you'll probably suck him off in his Camry after you drop your kids off a fucking soccer practice That's that's he's gonna be fine. I'm'm worried about you so whatever you do protect yourself and also stop stop sneaking around there's this whole other person that deserves to be treated with the same you're kind of treating the person you're with like he like this guy you're in love with treated you and that you're being a dickhead too so take a little

responsibility if you're gonna pursue this which I say do not do it Set up a boundary, but good luck I would say that and I don't normally recommend this but this might be a good situation for family annihilation Yeah, your ex-groom mate that bitch is the reason you can't be together. And while you're murdering, kill that other guy's brother. You can't give him jail for more of your life. Put a little cyanide in the Monster Energy Drink supply of whatever town that guy called from, and it'll take out the whole extended family tree.

Geez, Louise, I feel bad for this woman but you're also acting very poorly toward, you're not... We're robots, I mean we we're gonna do what we want to do. I get it and listen I get that I know there are certain people in everyone's life who have this hold on them but you have a kid in a fucking family. That's, that's, it's literally like until you start harming other people Like you could potentially harm other people here. That's all I'm saying before It's like you're just harming your dumbass self, but now it gets a little more complicated Yeah, there's no like the reason is there's no like special reason why they keep coming back to each other

They probably live within an hour of each other. No, I know the reason she lets him do whatever he wants there like I there have been girls that I've dated that I'm like, I don't know, I know she'll just fucking come over. Who gives a fuck? And it's like when you're younger and a piece of shit, you act that way. But this guy, he doesn't even have that fucking excuse anymore. Now is it possible the world's beat him down so much that he's willing to settle? Possible.

Willing to settle with his own slam, his old slam piece. Yeah, it's possible Sometimes you're like, you know what the shoes I rented the bowling alley are real comfortable Put these on it to add a fucking wedding Just wear these all the time You know what I mean? Like maybe I should just wear these all the time. You know what I mean? Like maybe that could happen, but. Well, good luck to you.

We wish you the best. We love you. We do wish you the best. We do love you. I'm just scared for you. That's all I'm saying. It's hard to be a person in general. Protect yourself.

It's hard to be a person. Yeah, yeah. All right. All right. Solving problems here. Solving problems. Having a little fun too, you know, but also solving problems. Don't go to a therapist listen to us Kill your family next caller Hey savvy, hey Elvis question for you

Should you disclose Whether or not you've had an STD such as Furby's or Venaria's War? If you're in the dating scene and you're in your 40s plus and I mean I just assume everybody has HPV at this point if you want college in the ninety-year-old if you're all doing it here in spain her problem happened years ago

and you're not having an outbreak clearly that was let's say ten fifteen years behind you you start dating somebody new. Do you bring that up to them or, you know, if you just let it fly. She sounds cool. She does sound cool as fuck. Nobody's getting pregnant. Everybody's road dogging, she says.

Listen, you got, you got to tell. You know, this is not a question. It's open and say, you know, it's been 10 years or whatever. I haven't had an outbreak in 10 years, I'm on medicine. Be honest, this is the kind of thing where you really, this is a very clear I'm a piece of shit or I'm not a piece of shit situation. So you're a piece of shit and you don't need any information.

I had a girl who luckily, she and Shannon weren't like dating. Yeah. But we were like hooking up and having sex. And then she went to Mexico and then like, I don't know, a couple of and I would got a little caliente down there. Yeah. Her pussy.

They put a little habaneros in there. I mean, there is in there. So I went and like weeks went by whatever It's like once every three weeks like that. Mm-hmm. But anyway, she's like, um, I think gave me herpes Maybe give herpes. Is that to you? Yeah, I go No, I don't have herpes. No, you just enjoyed yourself a little too much six weeks and she went to Mexico Had your first outbreak. And she was in the she was just testing

like was it the Mexican guy? Yeah, yeah. It's like she's like you did. She's like Google Translate didn't exist back then, so she couldn't talk to him. They did a lot of nonverbal communication.

You figured she'd check you first. That's fucking hilarious. You check you first. That's fun. I just tested the waters. Oh man. Said you know, say what do you say? Yeah, gotta gotta be on. I really when someone's honest about that really respect that person. Like I'm sure I'd like to before and told me I was like yeah

Thank you, and nice. You're a good person and by the way no one's not fucking if you tell them before Probably that probably yeah, you'll probably still get laid Yeah It's like like this has happened to me actually before where it's like someone told me after We hooked up and that just and if she told me before because you know she's on medicine no outbreaks We would use condoms. Yeah, I wouldn't have given a fuck at all But the fact that she told me after I was like that's weird You should have fucking said something and then somebody else I was like making out with her. She's like oh by the way I have her keys, but I I'm on medicine haven't had an outbreak

Yeah, and I was like am I dicks hard or like at that moment you think I'm gonna write right no And I was like am I dicks hard or like at that moment you think I'm gonna be right right no Quarters hard I don't mean to minimize I'm sure that's a very difficult thing to say it sucks you gotta like say that yeah She's good here. She seems cool. She's cool. She's still still tell him you know the pussies top-notch man What are these girls is like girl? I'm dating yeah I'm like don't tell them. Alright. It's probably her. What do we got Eld?

Hey Stav. And Guest. I have a bit of an issue. So basically I went on vacation recently with my girlfriend and her daughter and she's 13 and I just want to preface this by saying that she currently lives with her father in another country and she's visiting for the summer and we went on vacation and basically her phone broke or whatever and she was using my phone for Instagram or whatever and she forgot to log off. Oh, serious.

And now it's like during vacation I just happen to be on my phone and I'm ignoring all the messages obviously until I see one pertaining to myself and my girlfriend and mind you this girl is like just your standard you know 13 year old kid kind of you know can be standoffish depending on her mood but I was not expecting this she was just trashing Trashing me my girlfriend her mother and I'm not sure how to approach this situation like oh Trashing me as my girl she's trashing him to her girl to his girl to his mom right like he's seeing DMS Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. Am I gonna cause some level of distrust between myself and my girlfriend by bringing this up?

Is she even gonna believe me? But yeah, yeah, a lot, I mean, to just give you some context, a lot of the messages were just pertaining to how she feels about me which isn't a great thing. I'm kind of weird as it is so yeah and when it came to my girlfriend she called her a drunk asshole. Yeah, just to give you a little context there, it's nothing crazy, but yeah, I just would like to know the best way to approach this.

Wow, that's really, see, the first thing I think of is like, he has some instant information, which is powerful. Powerful, sure. You gotta hang on to this. I mean, the mature thing, I guess, we like have a mature conversation but I would say don't do that.

This is a very good opportunity for you. I would say even come out with like tell her secretly that you have colon cancer or something. Make her feel like a real piece of shit. She'd be like it worked, she's like yes it worked. Yeah probably. Well okay so but the thing is the 13 year old doesn't give a fuck about this guy.

He's worried about what to say to his girlfriend about this. And the girl is the daughter of his girlfriend. Yes. And so you're like, hey, was the girlfriend ragging him too, or just the daughter of him? No, from what I understand, basically, he has, by accident, access to the kid and her mom's conversation on Instagram DMs.

Now the problem is, like he's like, I guess you forgot to log off. Why didn't you log her off? When the vacation's over and you see that it's like you're getting notifications from this little kid's account, it's like you're basically like, he does have inside information, but it's like when a cop has a murder weapon without a warrant, right? You know what I mean? It's like, it's not a visible in the court. And you could also be brought up on charges for illegal police work.

You know what I mean? Like, yeah, you're right. Don't bring this up. Just you have the information and just... Unless it was, unless the night, like, by the, unless like the morning that he saw it, like, if there was not a reasonable amount of time for him to log off, if the first thing he saw is, it's like this girl, the second she was away from her mom, started trashing him and he's like,

hey, I woke up the day after your daughter was gone, and I just saw all these messages about her trashing me But even then my gut here is to say This is like this like when Donald Sterling was saying a bunch of racist shit, and it's like yeah, we knew that It's like the bill burbitt is like what did you think he thought? Like of course he's a fucking he's a slumlord piece of shit who was saying racist stuff about you know his basketball players Standoffish 13 year old kid whose mom do you understand? The kind of woman who doesn't have full custody of her daughter the kind of woman who doesn't have full custody of her daughter she was dead

when a mom loses to some guy in a foreign country she must be your girlfriend must be kind of a piece of shit right so so her dad is this loving single dad whose like single dads get the most society treats them so well right and this girl lives with him lives with him full-time. She clearly

Loves her dad you are some dumbass Who's taking her dad's place with her less least favorite parent even if you were a nice guy? She would trash you to make her mom feel bad. She's 13. She doesn't probably like her mom All right, that's true. What did you think? This is what you knew this girl thought this about you and if you didn't you're a naive idiot So it's like what what do you? You're gonna go and say hey, I've been Lightly spying on your child and the information I got was that she doesn't like me

You can't say you're not worth the juice is not worth the slide off You know what you know log off. You know you know and you're just nice to the girl You just you behave exactly By or something nice by or some by or some lunch right? Hey, I want us to get we're pals He's actually pretty cool We're pals. He's actually pretty cool. This fucking guy just completely blows it somehow. But yeah, dude, of course she's trashing you.

You're like her mom, her mom who decided she didn't want full custody of her new boyfriend. That's the guy who gets trashed. Yeah, yeah, yeah, don't take it personally. And by the way, I Wouldn't bet on this working out Yeah, it makes her a drunk drunk asshole whatever Damn. Yeah, you're good, bro. Just fucking we were obviously joking about buying the child sexual

Gifts, I just want to put that on record Cuz you do seem kind of stupid and I just would like it on record to not do that. I don't want this podcast showing up in a deposition somewhere. All right, so how are we doing, Aldous? Should we? We're at 148. Whoa.

Look at us go. Seriously. So a nice, something fun to take us out, what do you think? Two parter. Yeah, we like to, we like to fucking cruise. We really did have it. We were going real nice. This is kind of long, but it's kind of just more of an update follow up on another call.

Okay. Sort of a response or something here. Hi, Bob. Thanks for calling me bitch. Um, so what I have to say is's probably not funny and we really happened here okay i'm not one and i think an anniversary coming up in a month and i just wanted to respond to something at all the other day

uh... i have your fact i'm saying that he had been let on for a while and that the people back in asking when was okay or when was the right time to look you know into like locking down telling him hey I want a relationship. Remember this guy he called in originally the Sam Talon episode and he had like a follow-up. Well he yeah the original call was he was basically kind of getting let on and he didn't get he didn't he wasn't even close to getting pussy by anyone. Yeah, and then he was like Oh, I listened to you guys and we told him get out of there. That's crazy And they listen to our advice and he was dating somebody right and and then his and we and he was just like

When should I ask her to be my girlfriend? Yeah, okay, so this girl's responding to my girlfriend I know that was kind of the this was kind of what we said Right, the new girl. Yeah. Okay. So this girl's responding to that. Will you be my girlfriend? I know. That was kind of the, this was kind of what we said. It was like, hey man. I think no one should ever say that. And I've heard you tell him that, you know, just let her know.

Maybe she'll laugh it off and tell him that, you know, I want to be in a relationship too. And I just wanted to say that to that guy, do it. Just fucking lock it down. Just tell them be honest. Because my husband and I have been together for 12 years and when we had that conversation he sat me down, he was like this big production, and he told me that he wanted to be exclusive because he thought he might be in love with me. And my response was exactly what you said. I laughed. I laughed so hard. And I laughed

so hard because I thought like a fucking course I want to be with you and So I lost his face and then while he looked horrified I told him I was in love with him and of course I wanted to be exclusive and we would be together Our second anniversary is in a couple of months So if for any reason you have the chance to put this online, I don't have any questions. Okay, Nick. I Love you. That's what the fun amazing husband in the world. We love Thank you have a good day a sweet kind loving call what I'm confused It literally made me uncomfortable to be in the presence of so much just pure love. I was like, and then I remember times where I blew it

with girls that I clearly wanted me to be exclusive with them and she was talking and I'm like, fuck man, my life, I fucked my life a couple times. And then by the time I came to, she's like tearing up, talking about how much she loves her husband Nick. And I'm like, you making me listen to this, eldest? You know how empty my life is I? Can fight in you all the time about it?

Yours is you made two single comedians who constantly face their own alone mortality You made us listen to this woman fucking get emotional about how much she loves her husband. Fuck you, Eldis. Lady, we're happy for you. Yeah, let's get these robots going, man. This episode is over. That's it.

See you later. See ya. Bye.