Stavvy's World - Jessica Kirson

Episode Date: February 20, 2023

Jessica Kirson joins the pod to discuss partying in college, crapping on her mom's lawn and blaming the family dog, her evolving relationship with her mom, and help callers including a guy whose girlfriend hates his beloved dog, and a man wondering if he should ruin his cheating wife in a legal divorce battle.Subscribe at patreon.com/stavvysworld for exclusive Patreon-only episodes.

I have a big family and they're spread around multiple countries. So a few years ago it was my brother's wedding and most of them decided to come. Great news, but a big problem. Where do you put eight people all with different requirements and keep them all together? We looked at some hotels but then it was obvious get an Airbnb. My mom and I were able to find the perfect place. It was a big house with multiple rooms and in a part of the city with woods

and walking trails all around. The Airbnb also included a huge kitchen where we all got together the day after the wedding for a big family meal. This is a cherished memory for my family and me. And whenever I drive by that location, it always makes me smile. Not long ago, my mom and I stopped by that area to walk around.

And remember, one of the most special times for my family, whether you're traveling with friends or with family for a big wedding or justification, get an Airbnb. Ho, ho, ho, ho! Welcome everybody to Stommy's World. We're back in the studio. We've got eldest, we've got one of my favorite comics, Jess Kerson, came all the way to a story of Queens.

Thank you so much for being on the show, Jess. Oh my God. Pumped to have you. We just introduced her to ANW Zero Sugar root beer, which is one of my favorite diet sodas. We're angling big time for the ANW sponsorship. That's really what this podcast is all about. As a diet soda failure. We're angling big time for the ANW sponsorship. That's really what this podcast is all about. As a diet soda failure. So good. Right? Isn't it incredible?

So good. It's unbelievable. I know. I just love it. I'm not even getting paid and everyone on the show knows I'm still I will not plug anything for free. ANW has my heart as a fat man that loves a little treat. You know what I mean? Of course. Come on, who am I talking to? You know, you love treats? Of course, you love treats. And diet so first of all, I'm addicted to diet soda. What are some of your, let's start diet soda. Diet soda.

Sprite zero is my favorite. I love Diet Coke. I'm gonna have a drink and Diet Coke my whole life. The classic. You diet Pepsi, I'm fine with. But this is like, I'm on another planet. I'm telling you, I love it. I just did draw, a major draw.

I love having someone on the pod that was a fat child because this is the kind of stuff that we can bond over immediately. Yeah, I was a file. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I love it. I was in fat, my parents made me really,

my father fuckin blew me up, cause yeah, cause I was a little fat and you'd be like, you're fat fuck, you're fucking fat, and then I blew up to piss him off. Oh, there we go. I ate, I ate at him. I mean, man, I really blew up because it enraged him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got back at it. Oh my god, I ate the furniture. I love that because we have a lot in common here. I mean, although I will say I came to being fat just from pure, my mom was just, I could do no wrong. And she never wanted to deprive me of anything. My dad was, they were both kind of fat.

My dad had like a, my dad had a heart attack when I was like 10. Oh boy. And he lost a bunch of weight. And after that, he became fat phobic. Like once he was, he was like too good for us. The rest of the family was fat. And then he was like, you porky pieces of shit need to get it together.

Because he was gonna die, you know? But my mom was just like, and also it's so funny when you look back at your family and you realize where everything comes from. Because like we have alcoholism in the family, we have addiction. And my mom was so worried about drinking and drugs. everything comes from because we have alcoholism in the family, we have addiction. And my mom was so worried about drinking and drugs, but she didn't realize that we just

got addiction through food. My mom was the first person I saw just like, I would go to the kitchen, we had two bathrooms in the house, I grew up in a little townhouse in Baltimore. If one of my brothers was in the upstairs, I'd have to go all the way downstairs to use the bathroom. I would catch my mom just like sneaking treats and like I was like this is you have what grandpa had and I have it too by the way. And by the way 10 years later, I would spend my adolescence. As soon as I got free reign in the kitchen, they weren't afraid I would destroy it, burn it down. I would make I was in there making like triple double, triple decker sandwiches.

I was just like going crazy. I love that too. And I also, you said you did it to your dad to make a mad, I was listening. The only research we do on this show, because I love stand-up and it's a nice chance to go back and watch people stand-up. You had on the, on an older album, you album, it had, you met, you said, which basically is the encapsulation of all stand up comedy, please laugh, I hate my father, which was like,

which is like, that's what stand up basically is. It was just like, it's so funny to hear that it was, it was to prove a whole. Well, you know, as a stand up, there's always someone in the audience that reminds you of your father and mother. And I could even have a thousand people screaming, but there's one person just staring at you. Like, you know, you're like, Dad, you know, that, yeah.

It always bothers you. You could be crushing. And just the guy's girlfriend, in my case, does happen to me. It's like, you know, somebody or like the friend who has no idea who you are. Right. It is not your taste, not their taste at all.

And I will say, it's never who you think it's gonna be. Cause when I was younger, I was like, oh, I'm worried about old people. They're not gonna, but it's like, old people are sluts too. They remember, they love the, like, in fact, I was like, you know, when I started comedy, my whole thing was like being a you know A fat little rascal a fat little adorable and I had all this pussy eating jokes

I was just trying to get laid and I whenever I saw old women I was like oh, they're gonna hate me They love the pussy eating jokes more than anyone they were like this I would have old ladies when I remember what my pussy was eating Yeah, they haven't gotten eaten out since the Truman administration It's bringing back memories of the sock hop Yeah, so and by the way, I should we got we got into a and W zero sugar root beer talk think about it for expanse or like sponsorship But I want to say The show star star vis world. We dois World, we have Jess will be here,

we'll be answering your questions guys, that's half the show, I like to, you know, riff a little bit and then we'll get into people call in and we solve their problems, 904 800, Stav. And we'll obviously take some calls, but I want people to know that you have, you're very, I think you have a particular skill set for answering all these questions,

because you grew up with therapy, it was all over your life, your mom. That's another one of those hilarious bits where it's like your mom, you know, you're trying to, your mom's like seeing patients, literally, she was a therapist. My mom still is a therapist, she's 79. Wow, that amazing? That is crazy.

Yeah. You think she's slipping. You think she's losing her fastball? Well, I have to joke. She'll never hear this. Yeah. No chance. She's not listening. No, she's not. She's not subscribed to Stavis World. We don't have too many almost 80-year-old Jewish ladies. There are subscribers. Imagine if she calls in. I don't like that you're talking about me right? Yeah. No, my mom is, I can't do this on stage because she would freak out what I have. I have this joke where it's like, you know how therapists say,

so what I hear you saying is that you feel that you're not being seen. It's like, I feel like my mom would be like, so what I hear you saying is nothing, I can't hear. Yeah. Speak up. Yeah, my mom is a therapist. She has saw clients in the basement of our house my entire life. So I had to be quiet.

This is totally, and I lived in the attic and I'm Jewish. It's totally true. It's all over. How many, how many siblings you have? So I had, I've one older sister, Jennifer, and then my mom married Zach breff's father Did you get that? I swear to God. I've seen you with like Zach breff But I figured like maybe he like a brother in law We were young so then he and my step sister and he's not the piece of shit. No, no

That's your biological father Yeah No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, He had a great personality. You should see him at a party. But it's really sad. It's so funny how we're like, oh no, he wasn't that bad. Yeah. He hit me with a sledgehammer, but he was really generous. But it was my fault. I was being a bitch. Yeah.

He molested me, but my clothes were really tight. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No. But so I had three step brothers in a step sister. Okay, gosh And then my dad got remarried to my stepmother who was 11 and they had to One of the yeah, not a good guy

Not 11 but much younger I'm guessing right? And they had to so I had a Wow, so you're in the Brother and a sister. Yeah, so you're basically with 46 had 46. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know the house in the house who'd you grow so So no really I had I had Everyone had the real rooms. Yeah No, I had one sister and then I really lived with for a while Zach and my step sister Okay

Everyone else was out of, you know, in college and stuff. But yeah, she was a therapist and I've been in therapy since I'm eight. I literally gone to every single kind of therapy. And then I studied to be a therapist. Wow. And I went to for a Master's in Social Work and then became a comedian, which I say is the same thing except I don't have to listen. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Absolutely. This show is bullshit. People call me for advice. Can you imagine? I'm like, and we go to a shitload of crowd work. So it's like, that's why you're good at it. It is for your, yeah, yeah. You're aware.

Like even if you're talking, you're very aware. That's why you're so good at crowd work. Because you get people. Yeah, it's interesting. It's fun. And you do it the same way where it's like, you're so good at crowd work. I appreciate that. Yeah, it's interesting. It's fun. And you do it the same way where it's like you're not, like, crowd work can be a bit of a trick, right? Right.

We know there's comics, there's people who have made their living. They're not even in like New York. You go to like, you know, like a shitty town or where I started in Baltimore. There are plenty of guys who, you see them once, you're like, wow, that guy's incredible. Then you see them again, and it's like, wait, they did the exact same crowd works the exact same way right and it's like and look sometimes that happens Sometimes you get caught in in a situation where you're like all right I'm just gonna say this easy thing and I'm gonna move on But the best crowd workers when you're like there is in one second

I know everything about you the way that the way you're sitting the way you're in an outfit that you know You can't pull off but you were hoping maybe you could you're in an outfit that you know you can't pull off, but you were hoping maybe you could, but your posture shows that you know you can't pull off a bright yellow blazer. Because that's what you have to be very smart and aware in life. You have to understand people, and you have to really get it.

You have to get it to be able to do that kind of crap. And you have to have also like no other skills. It's like, I'm pretty perceptive here, you have to get it to be able to do that kind of crap. And you have to have also like no other skills. You know what I mean? It's like, I'm pretty perceptive here, but it's like I can't do anything else. I've been getting steadily dumber for 15 years, but I'm so much better at this one thing.

You know? By the way, that's gotta be so annoying just because it's like, you're like, I thought my whole life, you know, my whole life, you know, trying to be understood, trying to get respected by my parents. You carve out a great career in show business and your brother is Zach Brass.

It's like, you're like, a special, one of the best comics working. And it's like, this motherfucker's in huge TV shows, movies. You know what's funny? You're like a thing is giving a Thanksgiving. I love it. Oh, the comedy central special, that's cute. So how much is Scrubs making in residuals? Yeah, he brought Mandy Moore to Passover.

He brought Mandy Moore to Passover. He brought Mandy Moore to Passover. He thought it was the hot. And he always says to me, you get the hot as women. No, but no, you know what's amazing? He comes to stand up shows. He came to the cellar last week and he's like, I don't know how the fuck you do that. He came on stage with me once at the underground at the cellar and he had the sweat marks on

his arms. He was shaking. He goes, I don't know how. To them, to these actors, they're like, this is the scariest thing I've ever seen in my life and I don't know how you do it. Which is crazy. Yeah, because it's to me too. I'm like, why is this so scary? There's 30 Drunks here. I don't respect any of these people. Especially if you get like a middle-the-week crowd where it's like tourists or drunk. It's like, I don't care about you fucking animals.

I feel the exact same way. It's so, to me. But again, that's what I'm saying. We got that one, we do have that one talent that we keep tricking people into thinking is impressive. It's like, it's like, where are you from? Yeah, it's true.

It's so dumb. Yeah. That's it. And you grew up in Jersey, right? With this. Yes, I love Jersey. I'm a Jersey girl through it. I hate when people put down Jersey. They think it's all like snooki and fuck it. Of course. It drives me nuts. It's a beautiful.

It is nice. It's funny to have to be so close that it's like you go to Jersey like, oh, there's like fucking grass here. It's great. It's not that far away either, but. No. And I love Baltimore. I went to Maryland.

I went to University of Maryland. I was underground. I spent a lot of time. I was. Oh, yeah. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. like fucking grass here. It's great. It's not that far away either, but. And I love Baltimore. I went to Maryland.

I went to University of Maryland. Oh, okay. Well, I was, I spent a lot of time. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, awesome. I love University of Maryland. I spent a shitload of time in Baltimore.

I love it. I love it. That's great. Yeah, I remember in his off-campus apartment, I drank so much raspberry vodka. Oh. Then I was, I think I projectile vomited all over. Raspberries. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was pretty hardcore. I was drinking raspberry stole. Oh, I remember that. I drank a lot of that shit. Stop. Stop had a rough night after he got kicked off his camp. He came over there. He just like blacked out on the other guy's shirt.

Oh, yeah. Everyone got sick on me. I drank, I drank the, it was the same night. So I got kicked out of my, I went to a really shitty school, University of Maryland, Baltimore County, UMBC. You must be familiar with the, with the, you know, we were always the shitty school, but I got a scholarship there.

Nobody else would, I literally grew up 15 minutes from there. Yeah. But it was the only place I would pay for my housing. So I was like, that's big. I guess I'm getting a dorm 15 minutes from my house. But I got kicked out for smoking weed. Really? I'm the one guy that that happens to. It was crazy. This is 2000 what? Eight.

That's horrible. So I go to, and you know, college park was maybe 25 minutes down the road. So I just, I didn't tell my parents for months. I just lived on his couch And the first night I just blacked out I drank a handle of Stole Vodka Yagermeister and a steel reserve I believe I mean I was fat as shit because it was like the the freshman like 80 Because it's like you know when you're like a fat kid who loves treats Oh, yeah, and then you get to a dining hall Yeah, cuz we had the unlimited and it's like, you know, when you're like a fat kid who loves treats, and then you get to a dining hall, because we had the unlimited, and it's like,

when- Remember how much you ate? I ate so much freshman year. Yeah, I was fat as fuck. And like, I've gotten very fat on the road, but I look at pictures of me, and I'm a youth, because you're like 19. So you look okay, but it's like,

there's so much of you. You know what I mean? Like, nothing's sagging, but you're like, I'm just like, plumpish- what I mean? Like nothing's sagging, but you're like, I'm just like plump as shit. You're just going out and out. Out and out face, biggest fuck. Um, I would, yeah, so I could hand,

I didn't die because I was so fat, but I should have, like the amount of drag was I didn't die, obviously. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I was, I, I still hear. Yeah, yeah, I made it. That must have been, yeah, yeah.

I didn't even think about that. That must have been the freshman when you get to a college. I ate, I, yeah, yeah, I made it. That must have been, yeah, yeah, I didn't even think about that. That must have been the freshman when you get to a college. I ate, I ate and drank, so I've, I drank so much University of Maryland. I cannot, I can't believe I didn't die. How much I drank. It was unbelievable. It is so funny when you think about college,

where you just take all these kids who like have all these issues. And trauma from their child. Exactly, exactly. And you're like, all right, have the most freedom and the most resources and go into as much debt and get as fucked up as you want for the first time. And fuck, fuck everyone.

And I fucked so many times. That's awesome. And I was always in a blackout because I didn't want to be with them. Of course. You're just looking for any kind of like, like nice feeling from anyone. Of course. Any approval whatsoever.

Yeah, just like I drank 78 beers and was face fucked. Sounds like a good time. You sound cool in college, Shes. I was, I really was. I was a fun. Yeah, just drunk, fatty shit, eating pizza second dick. I was, I could, I could, I could, I could, I could, I could, I was, I could, I could, I could, I could, I could, I could, I wasn't even that fat. Oh, wow. Well, in freshman year, I was like, shit, eatin' pizza second dick. I was, I could, that's what I did. Yeah. I wasn't even that fat.

Oh, wow. Well, in freshman year I was. But then I was like, I was pretty okay, but I was just drunk all the time and I was high all the time and I lived in a sorority house. Oh, that was incredible. That was just incredible. I was attracted to all my sorority sisters, but I was just sucking dick. Yeah, yeah.

Cause I always, I haven't sucked dick in a really long time. I talk about this on every podcast I do, but I like it because I'm an eater. Yeah, yeah, yeah. An oral fixator. Yeah, I'm so oral. It is funny. I feel, I love eating pussy, and I do feel a little bit

like me too. Yeah, we have a lot in common. We love A&W root beer. We love eating pussy. We got fattish in Maryland state schools. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. We had eating when we were got fat as shit at Maryland State schools Eating when we were doing absolute. Oh so much hiding. I would I would pack sand which is for bed Like I was going to like I was going to work in the mind All day in a backpack

Literally like a little lunch box. What hiking shoes? I would make myself a little treat for when I went upstairs. That's cute. It was cute. It was cute, but definitely I do have an eating disorder for sure. No, that sounds so fun. I didn't have that much fun in college because of the getting kicked off campus,

but when I got back it was still pretty fun. I was getting high. It's so... I know, when you're a kid too, it was still pretty fun. I was also- Getting high, it's so- I know, when you're a kid too, it's like that's when you're supposed to smoke weed. I got high school. I know. I smoke weed now and I'm like, this is fine, but that's- Yeah.

Spoken weed is for when you're in ninth. Yeah, and they kids do so many other horrible things and don't get kicked off. Oh, absolutely. That's the most upsetting thing. Yeah, whatever, I made friends with some dumbasses and I was like, oh cool, I just wanted them to think I was cool. Yeah, whatever. I made friends with some dumbasses and I was like, oh cool. I just wanted them to think I was cool. Yeah. Because my thing was I could, I always could, you know, you're loud.

It's the same, it's the same like the, the, the closeted standup in you where you're like, you're not, you're not going to stand up yet so you just need attention from everyone you want everyone to like you. Of course, that's why I would. Yeah. And I can't even imagine, I can't even imagine like that, you know what, what we also had in common in college. We both wanted to and couldn't get pussy We were both pining over sorority girls I didn't know I wanted pussy

Yeah, but there was something no, but I knew something But why would it have hit the spot if you got oh my I did yeah, I did I did eventually in my senior year. Oh senior. Yeah, I fell in love with my a freshman in my sorority It's amazing. That's what that was the first girl I was with. Wow. I mean I fucked around when I was younger and played house I was always the top and I was So you there was some signs yeah of we will all play house. I was always the top. And I was. So you there was some signs. Yeah, we all played house. I mean, that's so common for girls. You know, you would you would play these things like, you know, you were the boy. She was I was always the guy.

Oh, yeah. Always. But you know, that's when I first had my first, like lesbian experience, but I still didn't think I was gay for years. Just dabbling. Yeah, I thought it was just, it was Melissa. I just thought it was Melissa. Something was special about her. Yeah, she was alright. She was alright.

I was just very gay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone looks back at their first love and you're like, that must have been an incredible person. It's the first person who was nice to you. And like, and like, and like, the lady wasn't abused.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. The bar was so low. The bar was so low and Melissa barely trotted over it. She's the first person that didn't hit me. Yeah. Did you have like college boyfriends and stuff? I did, I had a couple of boyfriends and I'd, again, it wasn't the sex thing didn't gross. I'm not grossed out by guys and I can find a guy attractive and I enjoyed sex with guys.

I just didn't could never fall in love. Like never fall in love with a guy. It's a special thing, right? That's the same, it's like you're not fully, well you know, not. I had so I hate labels. I hate, you know, I would never call myself a hundred percent of full lesbian because I'm not.

But I couldn't, I just didn't wanna like spend time with a guy, I didn't wanna like spend the weekend to go to the mall, go to a movie. I just couldn't, I just didn't want to like spend time with a guy, I didn't want to like spend the weekend to go to the mall, go to a movie. I just wasn't into it, I didn't get out, I'll suck your dick, I'll have sex with you but I just want to go. I was honestly. I didn't mind fucking, I really did.

Everything you're describing is what most college age men are looking for. But I'm a man like a guy. I've always been a lot like a guy in that way, like sexually. Yeah, but with women, it's like, let's hang out all the time. Yeah, but I just, they talk a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I shut the fuck up.

The other night on stage, it's not a normal. It's like you need a non-binary person. You need someone right in the middle. Yeah, yeah, you're right. You're like a feminine non-binary, they them. I really do think a lot like a guy where I can just, I'm a very sexual person and I'm not, I don't have like hangups with that kind of stuff.

But I really, I just, you know, when I had a boyfriend, which would never last more than like six months or even that long, I don't have been- Six months pretty good. Yeah, yeah. I think I've only had, I've had one real actual relationship that was like, spend a couple years

and everything else was like six months. Were you like in love? I was, yeah, but I have all my own fucking, you know, my own, the panic, whatever you're from, you know, when your parents have a bad relationship. I know. You're just like, it's fucked up in so many, and I would get this panic about being in,

about commitment, and about like, because my dad, his whole thing was like, look what you, you know, you guys forced me to come to America. You know, he would blame my mom for coming to America. He was like, I wanna be in Greece. Like, he would insist that he made a mistake as Greece's economy was collapsing. He was like, and like, my cousins couldn't get jobs

and like, everyone is doing shit. He's like, we really should be there right now. And it's like, he just, And he just had this idea of Greece. It was just so fake and idyllic, right? Like he just wanted, we took him from that or his family was like an obligation to him. And without realizing it, that's what I saw as a relationship was like, it's an obligation.

The idea that a relationship could improve your life, that finding someone who really loves you is actually good and could like only help you. It just got through my skull. I understand. So, I would, for any time, a relationship actually had potential. I would always fuck them up. Yeah.

And the only time, there was one time where I really did, where I fell into a relationship was because, right before I moved to New York, this was in Baltimore, I was about to move to New York in three months, four months, she was gonna move to DC, we were gonna be in completely different cities, and it was like, okay, so this isn't gonna last thing, and then of course, as soon as I move,

I'm like, wait, I think I love her. You know, because you allow yourself to feel feelings knowing there's not the pressure of it happening. And then it's like, well, it can't happen. We discussed this. And so that's happened to me over and over again where it's like, the girl I can't get over now, same thing.

It was a real casual thing. I was traveling, it was just like last year where I was on the road for literally a year straight. And I was like, look, I can't really have a girlfriend right now, it's not gonna work. And then she, you know, reasonably got a boyfriend. We would hook up every once in a while and have a great time. And I was like, wait, wait, I think I actually,

can you be my girlfriend? And she's like, no. She's like, no, I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle it. So that's my whole thing. That's the shit I'm trying to get over now. But back on low. I really understand that. It's a lot from what what we come from

It's very very hard. I mean it come with you know, you have a band-in-man stuff It's like my mother wasn't around a lot. I always think someone's gonna leave me my father moved out of the house So it's like there's so much stuff that we come with absolutely and then each person comes with their own shit So it's like oh my god. Oh, yeah, let's not even forget all the other bullshit that right whoever is stupid enough to be attracted to you has Damage they are and then I'm always like why did they want me why did they love me? I'm not a lovable. Yeah, there must be something wrong with them. It's so it's so horrible Of course hard and it does you have and it's funny because it's like that manifest itself is in as a comedian It's like yeah, there's our whole lives

But it is funny to look back at when you were a kid and you see that like attention seeking behavior Yeah before you have it like you have this great story of when you got drunk with your friends and In high school I believe Somebody pissed on the lawn and you had the one up them like what was that? Yeah, I shit on my mom's lawn Somebody pissed on the lawn and you had the one up them. Like, what was the one? Yeah, I shit on my mom's lawn. Just eat your shit on your mom's lawn.

People don't believe, well, most people believe it. But somebody were like, no, you know, I'm like, no, I did. I actually did. Asked my mother. Like, if you want to call my mom, I mean, send her a message. I don't know what you want to do. Sure, sure.

Book a session and then bring it up. Yeah, yeah, she really did. Yeah, I did. Because it was like everyone's own special on Comedy Central, but I actually really did. Yeah, yeah. And that was just, I'm desperate for fucking attention. And everyone was just getting drunk.

And you know, it was the first time I ever got drunk, and I had my friends over, and it was during the day. We were 14. It was during the day. I was on a Saturday. And we were wasted. Yeah, of course. I think I definitely drank around two six packs of beer. Because I was an addict. I'm an addict. So it was the first time, you know, from the get go I drank everything. And we all went outside to smoke cigarettes because I wouldn't let them smoke

in the house. So this is in the middle of the day, in an area where there's all wealthy people in New Jersey, they're just driving by and everyone's smoking. And my friend Laura, who I just saw, and we were just talking about this, dying laughing. She pees outside on my mom's lawn and we're all cracking up laughing. And I'm like, oh, what can I do to get attention to one up? You know, because I'm the class clown. Need everyone to like me. And I had a shit.

It's true because I was wasted and I was smoking cigarettes. And I of course, fucked my face with food. Yes. We had chips and all kinds of shit. Nothing better. So I went, I was like, I have to shit. And they're all like, shit on the lawn, shit on the lawn. Because we were out there for like an hour hour

and a half smoking, you know, you're drinking beer. Smoking. And the fact that was the first time that must have felt incredible. Oh. It would be drunk smoking a cigarette. Yeah. So the first time.

Yeah, well smoking, drinking outside, just eating, whatever, it was beautiful out. It's still great. The thousandth time I've done it. I can't like, cause like now it's a little treat to smoke a cigarette when you're drunk. Like I try not to smoke anymore, because I'm, you know, fat-ish it.

And I figured after 30, it was like cocaine or beef fat. Sigarettes or beef fat, you know what I mean? There's a couple of things where it's like after 30, you have to decide. So now it's like a little, I still won't do coke, but I'll smoke a cigarette every once in a while. It feels incredible. It's amazing. And it's like a little, I still won't do Coke, but I'll smoke a cigarette every once in a while. It feels incredible. It's amazing.

And it's the first time you're getting that nicotine high and your friends are like, shit, it'll be hilarious. I can't imagine how you must have felt so good. That must be the most ecstatic shit you've ever taken in your life. Well, I kind of don't remember taking this shit or anything. I remember when my mom will tell you a really quick, I don't remember taking this shit or anything. I remember when my mom will tell you really quick,

I don't remember taking this shit. I don't remember actually taking this shit. But I remember she told me how hard they were all out. I mean, she's like, I'll never forget the whole thing. But I remember the next day how sick I was, because this was a Saturday, and you even go to school on Monday. That's how sick I was from how much I drank.

But two day hangover is a teenage two day two day hangover And but my the next day I was laying on my floor on Sunday because I couldn't get lift my Yeah, I couldn't even function yeah, and I hear pounding on my bedroom door my mom came home and So where was your mom? I'm screaming. I don't even know she was never home. Oh really? Interesting. We'll get it next. Finish the story. Yeah, that's why I'm fucked up. I'm serious. She wasn't home a lot. Yeah. And she was knocking on the door, pounding on the door. Yeah. And I couldn't even get off the floor. I mean, I literally it was I was so sick from

how much I drank. It was horrible. And I opened the door and I was on the phone with my friend, Amy, who I had a very close group of friends. And Amy, when I said, oh my god, oh my god, she found a beer bottle, a beer cap, I'm dead. I'm gonna be in so much trouble, I was freaking out. And I opened the door and she's holding the dog by the leash. I mean, by the collar. And she said, I told you not to let the dog shit in front of the house.

And she took, she grabbed, you know, in the grab with the nails, she grabbed my shoulder, I had nail marks. She grabbed me and she grabbed the dog and she took us both outside and she put the dog's nose in my head. That's incredible. And the dog, and never the dog just like There's a lit. Yeah, no human shit is I felt so

It was I felt so off the whole thing I couldn't believe what was going on I was so sick. I couldn't believe the dogs knows was in my shit I'm like what is happening? It was so confusing. I love that your mom felt the need. I didn't even hurt the whole thing. Yeah. Because I just like dropped the phone to a said, hold on a minute.

So she heard my mom say that. It's been the running joke. It's insane. That's insane. Did your mom ever find out it was yours? Oh, yeah, I told her we last show. I told her years later. I mean, we died laughing.

Did the dog ever forgive you? I don't know. My mom got rid of the dog She gave him to a farm. Oh cool when I went to camp one year. I mean there's been a lot of abuse My dog just disappeared A lot of abandonment you know crossed your I love the idea of a therapist who's that fucked up, too That's really funny the therapist and feels the need to embed, like, she made you watch, even if the dog did shit,

do you have to watch? Why did I watch? That's so true. I've never thought of that before. That's crazy. Why did I have to watch her? It was metaphorically putting your face in shit. Was watching you watching the dog.

Oh my God, that's so true. I've never thought of that. It's like, you did this. Why did I have to see that? Yeah, that's like... It was part of the punishment, I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah, 100%. That's so funny.

That's insane. I wonder what I had. I guess I had to watch the dog be... I don't know. Yeah. I don't get why that. That's like psychological punishment. Like, when you played sports and you would like fuck up,

sometimes the coach would watch, would make the rest of the team run. So that, a lot of play sports, and I happened a lot. So I think it's kind of the same thing. Your mom is watching, the dog is suffering because of you. That is why. That's why. That's why.

That's why. That's why. It's very, it's very, it's very economical way of punishing get punished. It's very it's very There's very it's very economical way of punishing you know what I mean it's Exactly why I had to watch it and so no snitching though You're sister didn't tell on you or anybody told that you were getting drunk. That's kind of that's kind of I wasn't home. My sister wasn't home I think she must have been in a friends because she was what's 18 at the time

Yeah, so she or she was in college actually. So where would your mom go? I don't get it. This is before she got away. My mom was with my stepfather at the time at that point. And she wasn't around a lot. She was a therapist that was out a lot and she was helping other people a lot.

This is a very interesting thing. And's like, and she's done, listen, I at this point forgive her for the most part. Like a really... She's done a lot of work and she's a very different person now. Yeah, she got it. Very.

And she has apologized a lot and she's really made up for it in my adult hood. Like she's really shown up for me in my life. I have to say. That's good. So much. Huge. Huge.

Which most parents don't do. Yeah. And like, I can't tell you how much she's shown up for me from like whatever 25 on, you know. I don't actually got to go. But it was rough. It was really rough. And I don't think that you can really redo that.

I think it's so much damage that you can't ever fill that hole. Like a joke about it on stage, but like when the audience claps or gives me a standing ovation, I'm like, it'll never fill the hole. Like no matter what you do, that hole is empty. Yeah. And it's that mom thing that no person, no amount of applause, no amount of food, no matter of drugs, it will never be fooled. I am, there's an emptiness in me that mom didn't fill.

If things went right, you would be a therapist with a nice and drudgenous husband or wife. That's not, you know what I mean? No need to be on stage. Except I go from really, really femme women. I love a fucking hot femme heels. Is that your tie? Yes, you know?

It is, yeah. I mean, I'm open to whatever, honestly. I do, I've dated people, you know, girls across the spectrum, but. I mean, mostly very feminine. I mean, you know, I mean, no, that's true. I do go, I like women also with no makeup on, naturally pretty.

Like, I don't love a ton of makeup, kind of like this, like with the lips, I hate that actually. But I also do, I just love women. Guys, I find men attractive too. I, I. What was your type, was it a feminine man? No, not at all all because I like a guy I have a friend who she

Would fuck the most feminine men I get that masculine women and she was just kind of in the middle there right? I was really her thing that makes a lot of sense to me. She would like peg feminine men I get it And I think that's hot. But I'm not. I'm not into feminine men. I would be into a more masculine man and I would be into more feminine women. Yeah. That's the way God intended. Which is weird. I want a more masculine man to peg me and I want to peg more. That makes sense to me. Really? It's like sometimes you want Chinese food,

sometimes you want. Yeah, that's true. You know's true like right now. You don't have pepperoni in your domain You know what I mean you don't want shrimp fried garlic knots But it's all that's close. I almost didn't thank you. Oh this I almost didn't get that one out That makes sense though. Yeah I love will we got to have you back to talk more about there's so much to talk about. I know there's a lot. We need to get to, let's get to some questions here. Let's take your expertise, our combined expertise, and solve some of these people's.

I was thinking the other day, I love, you know what I love? Mango the fruit. I love it sweet, it's delicious. And I was eating a piece of mango, pre-cut from a beautiful market here. You know how a story has some beautiful fruit markets. Absolutely. That was my move.

I would get a little fruit salad. You know how many times I've gotten sucked off? I'd be like, this is actually... One time after a day, I was like, I want to come back with some fruit salad. And I thought it was smooth. And then some girl, that. I was like, what a comeback for some fruit salad. And I thought it was smooth. And then some girl after she fucking was like, that was so weird.

You asked me to come over for a fruit salad. I was like, I don't know. I wasn't drunk. I didn't, I wasn't drinking at the time. Well, they say mangoes are an effort, Dziac. Well, here's the thing. Thank you for bringing me back on point because I was eating the mango.

And I've oftentimes I've had mango and gotten pussy right afterwards. And I was eating the mango and I've oftentimes I've had mango and gotten pussy right afterwards Yeah, and I was thinking to myself what if this mango made my dick hard Now that would be something else that be awesome and I am happy to report that there is a new kid in the game You know, I'm a dick pill of angelist eldest. Oh, yeah, you know, I'm an ED I've tried them all from the gas stations to other services. Mango Rx now has a new ED pill that is game changing, okay? Really?

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So a few years ago, it was my brother's wedding and most of them decided to come. Great news, but a big problem. Where do you put eight people all with different requirements and keep them all together? We looked at some hotels, but then it was obvious get an Airbnb. My mom and I were able to find the perfect place. It was a big house with multiple rooms and in a part of the city with woods and walking trails all around. The Airbnb also included a huge kitchen where we all got together the day after the wedding for a big family meal.

This is a cherished memory for my family and me. And whenever I drive by that location, it always makes me smile. Not long ago, my mum and I stopped by that area to walk around and remember one of the most special times for my family. Whether you're traveling with friends or with family for a big wedding or justification, get an Airbnb. Problems, eldest pit is with the first one. Hey, I got a re-clam-up. Every time I lose. It's not going to work, motherfucker.

He has no technical tools. It's just my friend. Hey, I really clam up on a voicemail. My husband is taking a new weight loss drug called Mungiorno or Mungiorno. And it's an injection that's meant for people with diabetes. He does not have diabetes. He's lost about 40 pounds before he started this.

Just from like, choosing and eating last working out. And I'm super supportive of his journey. But I'm getting a little like concern that he's taking this drug, it's super offensive, you don't know long-term, repercussions. I'm like, I'm not going to do it. And I'm getting a little self-conscious because our weight to weight ratio is getting tighter as he loses weight. And I feel like I'm going to have to start losing more weight. To see if he's 6'2", he's probably 220 now.

He started at 2'60". I have fluctuated between 150 and 190 and probably 180 right now. I have my own weight and levels in the past and I have a mom with severe mental illness. Yes, 300 pounds. No, run it back a little else. I got it. Let's let her finish and we'll do the recap for you. So mom, severe mental illness, who's like very heavy on the weight loss drugs and did

some time in the 80s and ended up having a heart problem because of it and just have a lot of feelings about it. I wanted to see what you're feeling about. Okay. And I know you're on kind of a weight loss journey. And what you think about these new drugs. We're getting here. I think. So to recap here, she, her husband has been losing a lot of weight. He's already lost 40 pounds. And he went on, there's like a new drug, you know, these, there's like a, what's this one called? Mon,

Mon, Mon, Gianno. there's like a, what's this one called? Mon, Monjiano. She said, Monjorno. Monjorno, Osem Pick, like I don't know. Did you know? Did you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. If, if, if, did you know, I was making weight loss drugs, they put little pills in the pizza. Now we're talking.

Oh my God. You eat one pizza and you don't have to eat the rest of the day. That's, that's an idea. So basically, her husband has lost a lot of weight. And there's two separate issues I'm picking up on here. One, she's starting to get a little selfconscious because he keeps losing weight and she doesn't and they they were probably it sounds like they're pretty they were both pretty chubby and happy and he's losing a bunch of weight and that's number one which that can be that's

problem enough right? Like there's nothing you know you just kind of feel you just kind of feel your significant other getting better and being like are they getting ready to replace me? Like there's nothing, you know, you just kind of feel, you just kind of feel your significant other, getting better and being like, are they getting ready to replace me? I know, I mean, that feeling. That's a tough feeling and it's like, very, that's, you know, it might not be true,

but it's hard not to, especially if you've had abandoned issues, whatever. And then the second thing is, she comes from a background where her mom took a bunch of like crazy weight loss drugs in the 80s, had a heart problem, clearly had some kind of like eating disorder, whatever, and I think it probably fucked her up too. So now her husband, so these drugs are all like everyone's losing a lot of weight on them,

but there isn't like no one does know the long term effects. So I think she's kind of worried about that too. It's like what we're discussing where just you kind of seek out it's it's how ironic that like her mom With somebody who had a problem with like weight loss Drugs and now it's like her husband completely years later Taking these like new drugs. So she's it's kind of a double-sided thing I get the worry about like what the fuck's going on with it? Why are you losing weight, you're getting hair plugs?

What's going on? You know, like I get that worry for sure. But that's, you gotta take care of those two separately, I think. She also says the drug is expensive. So it's kind of like this thing of like, she's subsidized, she's potentially worried that this is some kind of perfect storm

of all her insecurities where she is subsidizing her husband getting hotter the same way her mom traumatized her and at the end of this she's gonna be broke still be chubby and her husband will be like ripped and getting pussy from like a 25 year old

yeah I know that these are her issues and you know you're right to listen See from like a 25 year old. Yeah, I know. Yeah. These are her issues. And you know, you're right. Listen, we need a little bit more context to really be able to help you out. I think your worries are, are they founded in, is this just, what you have to really ask yourself

is is this reality, or am I reading too much into this? Am I just worried about this because I'm feeling insecure? Or has this guy, has your husband, right, yeah, husband, giving you an actual reason to worry? Have you caught him, have you, did he download Tinder on a bachelor party weekend? He was like, no, it was for Mike. I didn't, I don't know this.

Is he all of a sudden working extra hour? You know what I mean? Yeah. So I don't know. But if everything is going right in your relationship and everything feels good, then you don't have much to worry about. But if you're, I don't know.

You have to ask, about, but if you're, I don't know, you have to ask, like is shit going weird between you two? There's a lot, you know, and also like, are you, do you even, do you find it attractive or is he becoming a different person? And then do you wanna lose weight? Do you wanna, you know, join him on this thing because I feel like that, that happens a lot too.

I feel like couples doing it together can be kind of like a bonding experience. And if they don't, it can be, it can kind of, you know, create this rift. But, so you have to figure out like, do I want to go along for the ride? And I think you're right to worry about these drugs, but you all, that's another thing you have to think about is like am I really worried about the

drugs or am I just I'm just having flashbacks from my mom doing speed and doing a Richard Simmons sweat into the 80s tape which by the way I did do with my mom is a fat child me and my mom were doing aerobics in the living room I know someone who went on this drug, like a friend sister went on it and apparently she did lose like 40 pounds or something pretty quick, but then she started putting back on.

So, so much to just hang in there. Oh, I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited.

I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I yeah, yeah. So ill, yeah. Plum, plum. That's actually the real solution here. Sabotage your husband's well-being. Make some, start being, start meal prepping for him and pouring butter into his chicken and broccoli. Start.

He's like, hmm, what is this? Like, oh, just a new chicken. Into his chicken. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pour liquid ghee into his green bean casserole. I feel like a good way for her to approach it is like, you know, just solve all the problems by being like, hey, I'm happy you're losing weight.

This drug is a little sketch though. Maybe we can like look at long-term exercise and diet and stuff and not relying on like drugs for maintaining the health or whatever. But he's gonna do it if it's working. He's in it. It sounds like he's in the fucking zone. Exactly. He's already lost 40.

You know what I mean? Like, and it's past, I think the real, there's two possibilities here. He's either just going like psycho mode on losing weight. We've all been there when you start to see results and you're like, fuck it, I'm just gonna, I just need to do it. And he's addicted to the weight loss,

we'll do whatever. And he's working out, it's working out, he's doing all. That's weirdly her best case scenario, because the other scenario is he's getting ready. This is like, right before you quit your job, you start working on your resume. You know what I mean? I know we get.

I know. Those are the two options. Yeah. Yeah. And one is much better than the other, because one is just like, you know, support him through his weight loss. And then if it, where it ends, if it ends,

be there for him. And then also maybe can you do some healthier stuff in your life, because it's not wrong. You know, it's good for you to eat a little better, you know? Even if it's motivated by a marital angst. Oh, but, and then the other one is just something, you know, even if it's motivated by a marital angst. But, and then the other one is just something, you know, probably is in the case. I don't know, we don't want to wish the worst on it, but it is a possibility because that does happen sometimes when people are getting ready to jump ship on anything, they're like,

all right, let me improve myself while I'm still drawing this paycheck. Let me, let me enroll in a continuing education course. And that's, you know, working out and losing a bunch of weight. So, you know, good luck. Let us know what happened. We, I don't know, there's too much. There's too many variables here for us to get anything definitive.

There's a lot going on here. But that is our read of the situation and good luck to your sister. Call us back with updates. hit us with another one else that i got a i got a one here uh... me and my ex or going to a custody divorce case and uh...

you know i really hurt by what she did to me makes sense i went and got and got the most expensive must Jewish lawyer I could find We had our free trial today where she showed up unrepresented and my lawyer absolutely fucking rocked out hell yeah And now I have the opportunity to absolutely financially ruin this And now I have the opportunity to absolutely financially ruin this bitch. And she's in the courtroom crying. The judge is ordering her to pay back child to choose to spend the money.

She's a brilliant one. I'm a lot of money she doesn't have. And I felt bad for her for a second because that is the mother of my children. Sure. But then at the same time she fucked a black dude in my bed. that for her for a second because that is the mother of my children sure but then at the same time she fucked a black dude in my bed okay do i show leniency or do i go for the kill okay you are much more sympathetic character if you don't mention the ethnicities of everyone involved here i don't

know if i believe this it It sounds a little too. Yeah. It sounds a little. But at the same time, he does have the voice of a man who got cucked. I will say that. You can hear it in his voice too. And then a racist voice. Yeah.

That's what I really... He says both racist and cucked. Yeah. I mean, there's the Jewish lawyer. Yeah. The black. I'll give you one of the two. You can't double up on Jewish lawyer and black.

That's what I'm saying. That's why I was like, yeah, yeah. Well listen, if, here's the, if this is the, let's, let's say, it's a two-two scenario. Yeah. In the event that he is, this is true. I would say cut back on the rope,

you know, in your day-to-day life, skip ethnicity is a, as the main descriptor of a person, right? I'm Jewish, so I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She, you know, I guess what, I'm sure she fucked a lot of other dudes not in your bed. How about that? The, the, the, the, the, I bet she fucked an Italian in her life.

100%. She probably sucked off a couple Peruvians, who knows? Ha, ha, ha, ha. 100%. She probably sucked off a couple Peruvians. Who knows? Now if this is the case and let's you know, let's say it is I you have to think about like you know, you're right mother your child all that stuff Do you need like do you need the child support? Do you need all this stuff? Is it necessary for you? And also think about like ruining her, you have a kid to think about here.

Do you absolutely want to destroy this person who's gonna be in your kid's life as well? I would be the bigger person. You don't, you know, sure you got cucked, but let's see buddy, what happened to you to deserve that? Cause that's the other thing guy like if this is real i'm guessing maybe you weren't emotionally available maybe you were dropping a couple in bombs at your kids football game i was trying to say to you

how can he afford the best Jewish lawyer why is she paying child support right right right doesn't really make a lot of sense how can he afford the best lawyer there is why does she owe him child that's a good point jess is here sniffing out the bullshit so sorry i'm jealous yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you got you got a i got my own you pal so we're gonna fight we're gonna dump this into and say it's fake But if it's not

Think about the kid if it's not find your own black dude and have So I call for so call for nice black guy Kids with another one eldest I just called and explain my question very well, So I'm dating a girl right now. Okay. Great woman. Really am. Very much in love. But I got a little bit of a problem with her.

She has. She's always been like the bro that is a guy. A friend of guys, a group of friends or guys from college, to her head, and I just went to a wedding of one of theirs and all the girls fucking hate her because she's hot but at the same time she talked to a couple so my question is what do I do with that how do I tell her that she won't turn my don't want to talk in those fucking assholes I don't want to talk in her you know I'm actually not touching her on candy but still I don't want to talk about, you know, sexual attention is uncanny.

I know we don't know, brother. So you have a problem that you're the girl you're dating, fucked guys before she knew you. Is that the problem? Buddy, this comes with a territory. Like if you were the hot girl who, you know, fucked, like her, she fucked a couple of her friends. What also when did it happen? How late was it, you know, when, you know, if it's couple of her friends. Also, when did it happen?

How late was it, you know, when, you know, if it's ancient history, if it happened when they were in college or they were kids or early 20s, and now you guys are in your 30s, 40s, you know. Now, if she has a relationship with one of them that's a little inappropriate, or her ex-boyfriend is still around in a weird flirty way, that's one thing, you can have that conversation, but you can't be like,

never see anyone you fuck before, bitch. You know what I mean? That's not that you can't do that. Well, is there something also that she's doing that makes him feel like girls sometimes can be, you know, women might be upset with me saying this, but it's really true. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes, you know, I've been with women sometimes where they're like with with guys they've

been with or women they've been with, they're a little too friendly. Sure. And I get insecure. I get that. Because I'm not, I don't normally get insecure. Yeah, yeah. But sometimes they're a little too friendly and flirty and I'm like, come on, you were with that person.

You got some boundaries. And I've definitely had an issue with like, somebody I was dating and it's like, you know, like it's really tough when you, you knew, you guys were dating, you broke up, they hooked up with somebody, you get back together, and they're still like, have a relationship with that person.

Right. To me, and maybe that's also wrong, right? This is just my thinking. But if there was somebody that existed way before me, like way in the past, and they have like, you can't be uncomfortable because they're friends with someone they slept with. That's great.

That's something we have to get over. But if it is, if they do have, like that kind of flirty relationship that's making you insecure, you can talk to her about it and also think about why am I insecure? What's at the root of this? Should I be insecure? And you have an opportunity to work on yourself

to hear a little bit, buddy. You can also be like, why doesn't bother me? You know, it's like, you know, and look, maybe he's the kind of guy who the people he slept with once they're done, maybe they're just two different people, right? Because there's also guys who kind of have that relationship with the next.

But if you guys aren't on the same page with this thing, then, you know, that can just be an issue. I like it that he's like, she's always been like that, bro, the friend of guys, and in a group of guys, two were hitting it. She just sounds cool. She sounds like Jess in college, actually. I like women like that. They're cool.

But it could be his own thing. You're totally right. Because people can grow out of that too, right? We all, everyone has been, you know, I was like, you know, that could have been the past. But again, if she's still behaving this way, if like it's a way that's making you insecure and she's crossing a boundary that you wanna set in your relationship,

you're entitled to setting some kind of boundary. But you're not entitled to be like, don't ever talk to somebody you fucked in the past. That's a little fucking crazy. So, because his question is, how do I tell her, you know, we're gonna be long-term. I don't want you talking to these fucking assholes anymore. Like, that was his question. Yeah.

She's gonna, I, sorry, man, your ex is gonna talk to some, your girlfriend is gonna talk to some people she fucked, probably. Especially if it was like a casual fling. And maybe at the root of that is jealousy, right? Like at the root of that is like, you know, I don't know. I, yeah, I could, I'll just, you're fondling the mic over there. Do you have anything to say? Oh no, I thought, I thought it was fun.

Here's like, how do I tell her I want her talking these fucking assholes anymore? They're really great guys. But you know, the sexual tension is uncanny. Yeah, that's the thing. You don't even dislike them. You're just mad. She fought someone before you. If they're asked, if they were assholes fine, but they said, you said they're really great guys, man. I think, I think there's a little bit of he has some of his own shit to sort out. And you have to figure out what's

a fair boundary to set and talk to her about that boundary. You have to do a little soul searching somewhere between never look at anyone who's penis you've sucked and go ahead and fuck your ex whenever you want. There's somewhere there's a nice middle ground there and I think you got to find what's right for you and move forward, my friend. But you know, you might have to make a compromise as no one's happy with a compromise. And I think at a certain point, that's what you're gonna have to figure out here.

Something that's workable for both of you. What else we got, LD? And by the way, folks, by the way, 904 800, Stav, Colin, leave your questions. We'll get to them. So I'm 25. I've been dating my girlfriend for about a year and a half now. When we first started dating, I had already had plants.

So by a puppy and we bought a puppy. And now I just feel like she hates the dog. Oh, no. Yeah. Like, we'll be having a good time and the dog will come in the room and she'll just instantly just be pissed and yelling at the dog and shit. And it honestly is like bumming me out. Like I really, really love my dog. He's a little kid-year-old now. And I just feel like her inability to kind of handle a high-energy one-year-old dog. He needs a man like you. Literally gonna take a nap.

That's ridiculous. And you're actually gonna want to know like what should I do? I don't I mean I love everything else about her but if she can't figure out how to have a dog I just don't know like I'm not getting ripped off dog. That's awesome. You heard it in his voice at the end. Yeah, maybe it's your fault for conditioning to hurt to such a low energy motherfucker. It's like you versus the dog.

It's like you're every like, what's up? You wanna like get a burrito? And then the dog comes out like, I've never been suicidal until now. Yeah, but you heard it. The only time he perked up was him being like, I'm not getting rid of this dog. He has low energy and he's like,

I'm not getting rid of this. He's been doing this, he's been having this argument with her in his head for the last week, which is like, it's staying. The dog is staying. Look, man, you're 25 for a year and a half interesting that's a long that's a that's for a 25 year old the year and a half relationship. That's a long one. So it's serious and you like her but laughing that he said he's been having the argument. 100% he's been having he's

practicing when this comes up and what's gonna be so funny is that he's gonna blow his load so fast. Like when you've been practicing the argument, you go to 100 immediately. Even if she's just like, I'm not getting rid of this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, hey, can we talk about Bok? And she's like, he's fucking staying bitch.

Like, that's what's gonna happen. So you need to relax, first of all, if she brings it up, you gotta take a breather. Because I've been there too, when I've been practicing a conversation. And the person just comes at you totally normally, but you're already at 100, because you have unresolved anger issues.

Look, here's the reality. You have drawn a line here. You love the dog, she doesn't like the dog. I know couples that somebody has an annoying pet and they get over it, you know? Like I've known couples where somebody doesn't like, you know, my friend had a dog, his girlfriend didn't really like it,

but guess what, they're married now and she puts up with a dog. It's kind of like a very... It's a very low level, you're being like a step parent, at a very low level, where it's like somebody might have an annoying kid, but guess what? That kids in your life, if you really love them, right?

And you have to be kind of, you don't have to be the most loving person of all time and she doesn't have to like, you know, play with your dog, but if she tolerate your dog and she like, you know, is nice enough to it? If she's not, if she's not abusive to it, basically, if she's just neutral, then you have to, she doesn't have to love the dog the same way you don't have to get rid of the dog. You know what I mean? So, and if it becomes a problem, I think you're recognized. 25 is also the time when you realize what you want in a relationship. And maybe this guy

wants someone who loves dogs. That's possible. You know what I mean? You're finding it out at 25. Every relationship you have is you kind of, that doesn't work out, unlocks a little something where you're like, oh, I like this, but I didn't like this. So either, so she has to accept the dog,

but you also have to accept that she doesn't have to love it. And if you guys can't come to a middle ground, then, you know, uh, you're fucked. It's a new new relationship. You got to go to a dog park and find yourself, find yourself some with a nice golden retriever. Those are your options. Do you ever have pets? I totally agree with everything you just said. Oh, thank you.

That was a brilliant answer. Oh, yes. Stop. Please. It's really. Come on. And that was a brilliant answer. Oh, Jess. Stop, please. It's really touching. Come on, I'm blushing over here. It's true. And I get concerned with people who don't like animals. Like, I know I'm not saying she doesn't like animals,

but you're right. It's plus he's still young. Oh, she, whatever the dog I brought. They're both young. And the dog. Oh, the dog. You're right. The dog's a year old, yeah.

It's like she was into it when it hurt. Like, you can't, she was okay with it at first. What's he supposed to do? Get rid of the dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. It's not emotionally too animal. Like, people are nuts. 100%.

She needs to get over it. Yeah, yeah. But she doesn't have to be super loving you. No, she does, you're right. I love what you said. So yeah, good luck, Powell. We'll see. Yeah, I'd love one day to have a travel too much right. I love what you said. So yeah, good luck, pal. We'll see. Yeah, I'd love one day to have a travel too much right now

to have a pet. Me too. I've had pets my whole life, but I can't now. I want a big fat bulldog at some point. Love them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just love them so much. I want to have matching tracksies with my dogs someday. Yeah. Let's do another one before Jess asked you to. Yeah, it's 12 to 25. We're getting close to 12 Jess has yet. We'll do one more with Jess here. Stombs another Australian here. Australian. I've just started up my set point there. So I'm straightforward and of course I've told everyone that I am now officially a comedian. I'm free of four and of course I've told everyone that I am now officially a comedian

It's a lie that isn't as much of a theme So at what point in your comedy career would you consider moving for it to get more spot And how long You know should you be trying open mics before you're saying hey, maybe I'm not fucking funny Or not love the show that's how I. At least he ended it with the end, because before he was like, I've done about three apen marks and I'm thinking maybe I should move to New York. And-

When can I do the beacon theater? Yeah. Can you give me a sport at the cellar? So good, I'm glad you added the end part. But there is nothing like three or four mics in confidence. We're like, oh I'm going to be famous. But first of all, let's just discuss for a second. Yes.

How a lot of the newer comics have no humility. That is true. And they literally talk to me as if I'm just starting. I know. It's like, no, seriously? This, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the problem with the internet, the democratizing force, is that like, I remember being an open maker

and thinking I deserve a special, right? And I was very wrong. I was absolutely wrong. But if I could have, I would have filmed a special. I didn't have the ability to now the way you the like a big way that your comedy career that you put out content is through clips through YouTube anyone has the opportunity to do it and if I was starting now I would a hundred percent put my atrocious

material on the internet and guess what because the algorithms fucking dumb some of it might have gone viral and I might have thought, oh, sick, I'm good, I deserve to do this. And so that, there is a problem where they're like, oh, I'm ready to go because I have access to the things that make you famous. And I kind of feel like, look, I feel bad

because I've put a lot of my career has been helped by putting out a bunch of crowd work clips. But I did comedy. Don't feel bad. I did comedy for 15 years. Like, what is it? work clips. But I did comedy. Don't feel bad. I did comedy for 15 years. Like, what is it? 13 years? It doesn't matter.

Don't feel bad. Crowd work, let me explain something. But what I'm saying is you guys are very good at crowd work. And there are 95% of people suck at it. But that's what I mean is like. I feel like I'm running Exxon. Do you know what I mean? It's like I'm getting like I'm running Exxon. Do you know what I mean? It's like, I'm getting rich off this thing

that's ruining the environment. You know, like I'm getting rich off crowd work. And then it's like, and everyone is doing crowd work, and it's, most of it is bad. I know, but it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. You and I are at the upper level of it, so it doesn't matter.

We are putting out a good product. And then it's like, it's like, how can I describe it? It's like a product where there's amazing TVs and there's horrific TV. It's like a business. And a lot of new comics you plug in their TV and it electrocutes you. Right. But I made TVs a dumb reference. But I'm just saying like, there's great products and there's horrible products. And we put out an incredible stuff and we're getting huge amount of followers and making money off of it and packing rooms. And then there's people who have really

a horrible a crowd working, we can't control that. I agree, I agree with you though with like when it's young comics, because it's so funny. With comedy, I consider myself a comedy Republican where I'm like, the rich should get it. The good people at comedy should get all the resources. Yeah. And then open-mikers should have to claw.

Yeah. Well, I'm saying it's like, it's one thing on the internet, but then if you're doing comedy and you're not getting any response and you're bombing and you think you did great, you need to go to mental institution. Well, that is the thing about this.

Because I'll get a standing ovation from a thousand people and think I didn't do great. Well, that's who's good at comedy. Right, exactly. That's what I'm saying. So these people who are doing it and not doing well, and then they have no humility when they meet me, who are just starting.

A lot of them are amazing. But there's a bunch who are especially, when I'm talking about female comics, and I'll meet them on the clubs on the road or in New York, and they're like, hi, how are you? And Nana, I'm like, you know, honey, I've been doing this 24 years. You just fucking started nine months ago.

I am royalty to you, and I'm feeling I'm filled with self-hatred, but when I met the women who started before me, I was a geisha girl. I literally talked to them like, hello, can I get you anything to drink? What would you like? When they were fucking, they were, I was getting them water.

I was like, can I do anything? I'm still like that with Margaret Cho and all these, when they're friends of mine. They're social friends of mine. And I'm still like, I kissed around, they walk on. No, I fully, I mean, I do. They paid the way for me. 100%.

There is, and that's that, it is funny, because usually the open my confidence gets bludgeoned out of you when you bomb in a time. Right. And that isn't really happening. No, it's not happening anymore. Yeah, so like, but let's go back to our Australian friend here. So you heard that, buddy.

You're horrific at standup. I want you to stand up. Even if one day you'll be good. Even if one day he'll be good. There is right now and for the next minimum three years, you're atrocious at standup comedy. And you have to understand that. That's just how it works, right? So at one point in your comedy career,

would you consider moving, I would say, well, where are you, are you in one of the big cities in Australia? Because I think Melbourne and Sydney both have pretty good scenes. So, you know, go somewhere where you can get up as much as possible. The only advice for young comics,

and I think you'll agree, is like, get on stage and start to kill more than you bomb. And like, I know that sounds like duh, dumbass. That's obviously what you should do, but that's, there's no other advice. Not in there. You have to figure it. And the beauty and the scary thing is,

you have to figure it out yourself. No one can tell you how to do it. Even if you try and steal a style, you try and steal jokes. Eventually it'll catch up to you. You have to generate it yourself. And in terms of how long she'd be trying before, you know, giving up, that's everybody's, you know, that's up to everybody. I mean, I remember thinking like, I just have to give, like, when I moved to New York, I was like, I just have to

give this a shot for, I was like, I gave myself five years. And I was like, if nothing happens, you know, after five years, I moved here when I was 26. I was like, I'll just fucking go to Baltimore. I'll be, I'll run a local show, okay, I still love stand up. I'm never gonna stop doing it, but I'll get a real job and it'll always be a part of my life. And everyone has to make that decision for themselves because it is a fucking horrible life.

It's getting, it's getting, it's getting harder. The worst thing I've ever did. And it's getting harder. That's the other thing. It's like, it's harder to carve out a career and even like what we're talking about, we're a young comic can go viral. I think what helped me was that like, I put out these clips and then people come out to see me and

I've been working really hard at standup for you know I've been doing it 13 years so I'm good at standup. People who discover you through a clip that goes viral or something they come to see you you've been doing it 24 years you're fucking great at comedy and it like it there's a retention thing where it's like you see other people who might have huge internet followings that might even sell more tickets the first round but they don't have that kind of like retention. And that's the hard part with stand up is like now it takes self discipline to be like to know yourself and be like when am I ready to put myself out there.

And the old rule used to be 10 years. Yeah. That used to be the benchmark was like, you're not even good at comedy. We don't even consider you a comedian until you've been doing it 10 years, which I remember being 19 and being like, what? 10 years. That's more than half my life.

That's what you know. And so, but now that I'm 33, about to turn 34, it was true. Like, people would say it, and I thought, that's stupid, these old guys, they don't fucking get it. And it happened, it became 10 years, and I was like, oh wow, I'm actually better at comedy. Something a switch did flip.

So, you know, just do it as much as you can. Probably quit if we're being honest with you, my Australian friend. The odds are just quit. You're so fun. But if you do love it and you have to do it, give yourself a few years of open mics, see it out. And the nice thing is it doesn't have to be your job, right?

If you're young, it's like, you know, do something else. You're 26, you're not gonna get paid for years. I remember when I made money, I was 24, and I did all the local gigs I possibly could have, and I featured at Macoobs and Mugubee, so I was in Baltimore, I was featuring at Macoobs, I was featuring at the Draft House. And in three months, I made like a nice amount of money,

and I was like, I'm quitting my job, I can do it. And it turned out I had just gotten every gig I was gonna get for the next six months. I knew you were gonna get it. And then you had to do it. I turned out I had just gotten to every gig I was gonna get for the next six months. I knew you would get it. And then you had to go to bed. I was like what? And then I had to just get a job at a paint store again.

But good luck, pal. Again, it's a bad life, it's a bad choice. But give yourself a couple of years and then see it out. Get yourself five good minutes, then 10 good minutes. And then you can, you know, if it's going okay and you can get a job at a big city try it that way We don't want to keep you just we know you got to you got to be some we love that we we could do hours a few hours I could do yeah, so please come back. I love you. You're so smart Stop it come on I'm watching

So what do you want to plug before you get out of here? We go on people to come see you I've a ton of road dates coming up at Jessica Kerson.com, K-I-R-S-O-N, and then I'm on TikTok, Jessica Kerson. I put up the crowd work. Love it. Love it. And I'm Instagram and you know, I'm on YouTube. I have a big YouTube page, Jessica Kerson. Get in there. This will be on YouTube. So go click click on over to Jessus. Uh, click on over to Jessus page. Thank you so much for doing it. Jess, we're gonna we'll pause here. We'll say bye to Jess. I mean, I'll just do a couple, a couple questions here to end them. But that's going to do for Jess guys. And by the time you see it, we'll be, there will just be a seamless shift. But we're going to be gone

for five minutes. All right, we're back folks. Jess had to run. What a great shoe, so great though. We gotta have her back. So much should I want to ask her about, but me and Lelys are gonna rock you with a couple more calls here, LD. What do we got, dude?

Let's go to this one. Hey, guys, this is Mike from Billy. I hope this question gets answered on these Spotify because I'm too broke to afford this. You're in luck. You fucking broke piece of shit. Well, yeah, so I've been seeing this girl for like four months. And then we just became a fisher like last month. Okay. So, but yeah, so she has some issue in her family that she won't tell me about and she says she doesn't have the emotional availability Right now so we're going on a break and So I've started to see another girl, but I kind of feel bad, but should I be feeling bad and

If I shouldn't then it's whatever, but Should I tell her afterwards when we get back together uh... yet let me know that to feel it's a weird gray area where we're not talking right now on man and i don't know what's the problem was not if you need but let me know this means getting his ross from friends on this means we were on the uh... this is an age old dilemma. Now, here's the reality.

This is kind of like a, this is like a game of chicken where it's like, if she doesn't fuck anyone and you fuck someone, yeah, technically you're right, but how's she going to feel about it? You know what I mean? Now, here's the good news for you that's actually not good news, is that sounds like she wanted to break up with you without saying it, right? Doesn't this sound like a cowards break up to you? I have an issue in my family. I don't have the emotional availability right now.

That's the weird thing. That's the weird thing to go on the break over. You think it would just be like,'s a weird thing. That's a weird thing to go on the break over. You think it would just be like, I have this thing. I don't want to talk to you about it at the moment, but to go on the break. I can't be on a relationship. Because, because why, how did it even come up? What did he say? They were, they were seeing each other for four months and then became official last month. Right. Right. Okay. So so you haven't done anything wrong technically, right? Are you keeping in contact with her at all?

You just on a complete break. Should you feel bad about it? I mean, technically no, but at the same time, it's like beating a video game. It's like, you know, you know, you know, Angry Birds will give you three stars if you really crush the level. You're not gonna get a three star relationship if you fucked another bitch. You might get two stars, you know what I mean? You might even get, you might barely squeak by the level with one star.

But the way you really crush a break with someone that you really love is not fucking other girls. You know what I mean? And look, again, you didn't do anything wrong. And other people might have other perspectives on this. But if I were on a break with somebody I really cared about and she fucked somebody else and I didn't, I would still, I would be like, all right, that's fuck, you know, you got me, but I'm a little disappointed.

That's all, but you've already done it, right? And you said you're in a gray area. So, you know, you're fine, and you'll only really know when, when if and when you get back together, but there's also a chance that no one in her family has any other issues than her ex-boyfriend with a bigger penis than you texted her. And that might be devastating to hear, but that's a possibility too. I think you're okay. And depending on how

she views things philosophically, you're probably fine. Do you have to bring it up? No, I don't think you have to bring it up on Yeah, like if she asks you that's a weird thing to be like I'd rather not say Because that means I've definitely fucked a bunch of bitch. You should be like I don't have the emotional Availability to talk about it right now He's gonna be like actually my uncle's back in rehab So I can't confirm or deny whether I got dumb. Hahaha. Good luck Mike from Philly.

Let us know how it goes. And if she ever calls you back even. Let's get another one going L-do. Okay. Is this one? Domes! Hey, what's up, stov? I'm Dan Love the Show. Hey Dan.

So I've got a question about my job for you. So I'm in Los Angeles. I work at a smoke shop and I don't know if you saw but recently California banned flavored vape products. So the issue is that we've got a bunch of like these vapes in our inventory in the shop has been doing so well since this law was passed and you know we can't tell them because the word crush on the like a little bit of pressure on the workers

uh... it's just me and a couple of other guys the like figure out a way to sell these um... and it like the like figure out a way to sell these. And it's like, my thing is, I don't want to get involved in criminal, anything, criminal kind of underworld like CIRIN LA. Something of me, but you're fucking pussy. I can sell, you know, 5 or 10, maybe to my homies, but like I like I can't you know we have hundreds of these

at this point so you know the shop's not doing well I don't want it to go out of business like what do I do here do I just tell them yeah no you know or what what do you think I should do thanks yeah no shit you don't want to get involved in crime. You got nervous leaving a voicemail Imagine him in a drug deal He's getting robbed by Cuban so fast What do you think what do I think so this guy wants you to sell the vapes off Like offline basically. Is that what he's saying? Yeah, he says his boss is like pressuring them

to just figure out a way to move them. This is so crazy, because it's like, I'm shocked that this shop owner is even that ethical and he wouldn't just be like, if someone wants to just sell it to them. Yeah, well that's why this guy's a fuck, your boss is a piece of shit here, right? Because if he really had fat nuts,

he would just be like, sell them at the store, keep selling them at the store. What does he want, he wants had fat nuts, he would just be like, sell them at the store. Keep selling them at the store. What does he want? He wants you to fucking, he wants to be your supplier. This guy thinks he's got cocaine, and you gotta kick up to him. If I were you, I would steal these from your fucking stupid boss and sell them for a profit.

Now, you're both bitches here. You're bosses of bitch for taking advantage of his employers and trying to get them to assume all the risk. You're a pussy for thinking you're in the criminal underworld for selling mango ice vapes to fucking children. Yeah, I mean look if your boss wants you to sell these off the record then you should get a cut of them. Definitely you're not selling these for your hourly wage. That's on your own time, that's fucking insane. So, you know, whatever.

I would just, if I were you, I would sell them and I would take a cut of it. I wouldn't sell them on my time off. I would buy them wholesale from my boss and sell them. Because what do you mean you get involved in criminal underworld, dude? Yeah. You just need to find like 10 guys who would you know people love these flavor rapes and obviously don't sell them the kids but like there's plenty of fucking adult men there's what are you smoking on right now Aldous I got a little elf bar what's what flavor is that I think it's peach mango water melon for children

so yeah that's what I would do I would if your boss is trying to get you to, if he's trying to get you to sell them off the clock, then the part that offends me is that he's trying to eke work out of you for nothing. But if he's like, hey, you can, if they cost whatever they call, how much is that bar cost, El? This one was kind of pricey.

It was like 20 bucks or something. 20 bucks, but he's like, Hey, I'll sell them to you for five. He just wants to get him off his books. He's like, I'll sell them for you for 10. You can sell them for 20. I would do that. Cause I know, I love money, dude.

I know how to fucking take the brick and flip it. But you're a fucking pussy. Yeah, I used to sell fucking wheat in high school. I used to, I used to sell fucking wheat in high school. I used to I used to use it to buy wings and nachos from nachos, mamas and Canton and smoke hookah with it. Yeah. Um, you were really good at tracking your profit as bosses. And not smoking. I definitely smoked mostly the wheat I sold. I definitely didn't sell wheat for one entire year. And after you took out takeout orders and the weed I smoked ended up with $500.

I remember getting ready for college and being like, I must have like 10 grand in here. And it was $570. I was like, what? I was like, how did this happen? So anyway, you're a bitch and your boss is a bitch, but you know, that's what I would do, buddy. I wouldn't work for free for this piece of shit,

but I also, this is an opportunity to make a little extra cash potentially. And that was all parody and I don't condone selling anything illegal to anyone. I don't condone illegal activity either. I know I have a flavored vape and it's illegal in New York. I got this in Delaware. And that's fake.

That's fake. He painted it. That's actually water vapor. Next question. All right. I'm a fellow unc cut mail from Baltimore area. The reason for my calls because I see that you guys questions like this to talk about wrong. You shit.

Sure. I actually have some fungus on my dick. I'm not sure if it's actually fungus, but it's a rash under my wiener. Like the head of it under my wiener. Like the head of it. Other wiener. And I'm kind of nervous to go to the doctor to show them my dick. I don't know, it's kind of like a phobia I have.

Oh man. I was just wondering, well, you guys think I should do. I mean, it's been going on for about two weeks. It might just be a 3D. It might just be fungus because I'm dirty. You would be. Oh yeah, I mean, if you guys can help out, I would really appreciate it. This guy's disgusting.

You identify his dirty? It's one thing to be musty, but to be like, yeah, I smell like shit, I don't shower. It's suspect that he calls it a fungus first before a rash. Right. Well, he's describing me like, okay, I would that he calls it a fungus first before a rash. Right. Well, he's describing me like, okay, I would probably just call that a rash first.

Sure. And not jump to conclusions. So under the head of his dick, now whatever, this guy being disgusting aside, and he's giving a bad name to the uncircumcised community, by the way. This is exactly what people think of us. You motherfucker, how dare you, dude.

Pull up your pants. Hahaha. You're given the fucking cut community. They're looking down on us because your dick is fucking disgusting. So you definitely gotta go to the doctor fast for all of us. So he's got a phobia of showing the doctor his dick, you got to get over that brother, he's a fucking doctor or she's a doctor. I will say there was one time I went to the

urologist and in like in college when I was pissing all the time, which just never, no one ever solved. But I was pissing all the time and I was and I had this old Jewish doctor, old Jewish man doctor and I was like, all right had this old Jewish doctor, old Jewish man doctor, and I was like, all right, fine. Like, this guy's my little ass dick softness hell, no big deal. And then he was training this young girl, this, you know, woman. She was like mid 20s. She wasn't hot, but she was like, she was like super hot, but she was like an attractive younger woman. Kind of honestly, kind of what I go for.

Yeah. Like curly hair, like, again, not super hot, but like, absolutely I would have fucked her. And she's, and somehow my dick shrank even smaller than it was, that was scared. She was literally like holding my dick like this with her blue, and I was just like, she's like, hmm, kind of a tight force, and just like, we're marking on how fucked up my penis is.

And she was like nervous because she's getting, the guy's watching over the clipboard over her shoulder. You know how humiliating that was to just show my little like my dick strength. My dick was like one in shit that moment. I don't know what happened. It was like the Grinch's heart. I think he said it's rank. Huh? I said it's rank. It did shrink Elders. You piece of shit. Okay. My thing is not too good soft to begin with. But it got so much smaller. Anyway, I survived though and I got my penis checked out a little bit and you have to

just do that too. How fucking dirty are you? Do you just not shower? What are you really scared of here? I I have a little expertise here. Please elders. Oh, yeah, you have yeast infections. I do have a fungus on my dick. I keep calling them yeast infections. I'm like I got it changed. I'm describing that. I think athletes thrushes more appropriate. I've dealt with in the past. But I too have had you know yeast infections or whatever under my feet. Make sure your dick look fucked up. It's like, it's like weird spots on it.

It's, yeah. It's spooked me out. And when this guy says he has a phobia of going to the doctor, I think what he really means is he's scared he has an STD, right? Which is kind of the zone I was in when I had this shit too. Were you raw-dogging back then, Elders? Yeah, look at my partner. I mean, you were in a relationship. It happened a couple times in Baltimore, and then it happened a couple times in New York. But never when you were a bachelor out on the town.

I guess when I was technically single, it happened in New York. But you were using condoms. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But, but you know, you still never know, whatever. But so, but yeah, just go get it checked out.

I want to like, I remember going to like, if you don't want to go to the doctors, go like a planned parenthood or something, that's get it checked out. I went to like, I remember going to like, if you don't want to go to the doctors, go like a planned parenthood or something, that's a good solution there. They'll write up your alley for shit like this. I remember one time I went when I was here in New York, I went to this planned parenthood and I was like nervous, they were looking at my dick.

And it was like, this is a similar thing. It was like a young female doctor. Yeah. She was like super cool, made me feel at ease. And I was like, I was clearly nervous because she was like, she's looked at my dick. She's like, nope, you just have thrush. Just take some little anti-fungus shit.

And by the way, this shit is gross. It's disgusting, but not because of the thrush. But I'm a trained medical professional. See, I'm not showing my disdain for your fucked up penis right now. But her examination of it was literally like five seconds. She's like, no, you're good. Just take this prescription blah, blah, blah.

And then I was like, my dick was back in my underwear and like five seconds. And then she was like, listen, I see your blood pressure is pretty high. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I was too fat and unhealthy. And she was like the dicks whatever but he seemed like you got some other helps and you really need to attend.

Yeah, I'm sure this guy's that way too. He says he's dirty. He's like, I might be a fungus because I'm dirty. So maybe there's other shit you need to figure out, pal. Hey man, those Baltimore row homes, they're musty, they're damn. I think they're a beautiful place to grow up. You get a real fine class of person out of those Baltimore row homes there must be their damn. I think they're a beautiful place to grow up. You get a real fine class of person out of those Baltimore Ro homes.

But yeah, just go to the doctor. It probably is just some fucking nasty as fun gets shit, but yeah, we'll probably just give you some pills. And wash your penis, pal. And stop raw dogging the disgusting women that would fuck a guy like you. All right, well listen folks, we got a busy day over here at Stubby Baby Enterprises.

I got a couple calls for some stuff to get to. Our guest had to go early, we'll have her back. She was so great. But thank you so much for listening. As always, if you enjoyed the show, we have a Patreon bonus episode once a week. Somebody's ringing the doorbell. Yeah.

We have a Patreon bonus episode once a week somebody's ringing the doorbell We've a patreon bonus episode once a week Extra episode we just had Karen Fien we just had Sean Patton on we're gonna have some great guests coming up You're gonna love them JP Mcday is gonna make another appearance If you like the show you want it twice a week we put out this free one We also have a patreon, but thank you subscribe to the YouTube subscribe leave a nice comment leave a nice review online Follow eldest on the fucking social media and thank you very much guys someone's ringing our doorbell. We got to go I have a big family and they're spread around multiple countries. So a few years ago, it was my brother's wedding and most of them decided to come. Great news, but a big problem.

Where do you put eight people all with different requirements and keep them all together? We looked at some hotels, but then it was obvious, get an Airbnb. My mom and I were able to find the perfect place. It was a big house with multiple rooms, and in a part of the city with woods and walking trails all around. The Airbnb also included a huge kitchen where we all got together the day after the wedding for a big family meal. This is a cherished memory for my family and me. And whenever I drive by that location, it always makes me smile. Not long ago, my mum and I stopped by that area to walk around. And remember, one of the most special times for my family, whether you're traveling with friends or

with family for a big wedding or justification, get an Airbnb. you