Stay Tranquilo - How Nikki Spoelstra Reclaimed Her Life with Purpose & Passion | Stay Tranquilo Podcast

Episode Date: March 25, 2025

In this episode of the Stay Tranquilo Podcast, we’re joined by the incredible Nikki Spoelstra— host and founder of the Becoming Her podcast and communnity. Nikki takes us through an honest, vulnerable look into her journey of self-discovery, motherhood, and what it really means to heal from the inside out. She reflects on the pivotal moments that sparked a complete life shift in 2020, how she built herself back with intention, and the daily work she continues to do to stay grounded in purpose. From growing up in West Kendall to her deep love for FIU, Nikki brings equal parts wisdom and Miami flavor to this powerful conversation. Topics include: Letting go of old identities & finding your "why"Sobriety & rebuilding from withinThe importance of inner work & faith Miami culture, FIU pride & community impactTurning pain into purpose & using your voice🔗 Connect with Nikki:IG: @nikkisappspo | @wearebecoming_herWebsite: https://www.nikkispo.com/—🎧 Stay Tranquilo is a South Florida-rooted podcast on real stories, self-growth, and building meaningful connections. Like, comment, and subscribe for more raw conversations with inspiring voices.#StayTranquilo #NikkiSpoelstra #SobrietyJourney #PersonalGrowth #FIU #MiamiPodcast #BecomingHer #MentalWellness Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

I always say like God gives us a deck of cards and the deck of cards that we're given are not too much for us to handle, right? And they may not make sense in those moments, but there's a reason why he gave us those cards. I hit Rock Bottom on April, the night of April 17th, 2020. I felt like I didn't deserve a place in life. I didn't think that my kids deserved a person like me. I feel for that version of me. I felt that way because my life. has so much meaning and purpose now that I'm like, holy shit, I can't believe I even felt that

way. It's like a different person. And I share this with a lot of vulnerability because I think that if anybody is listening, it's not just about losing your job or losing your marriage or losing your house or like, I used to think that alcoholics were people like under a bridge selling their body and they had no teeth and that and I'm sure, yes, those are some of those people. But there's a lot of everyday people who have their shit together and they have the house and the marriage in the car, the nice things, and they present well, and they dress well, and they're well-spoken, and they're whatever, that are sick inside and don't feel like their life is worth living.

And even with all of that, my life has only gotten better since 2020. So, like, when people are like, the math ain't mathing, I'm like, no, actually, the math is mathing because I woke the fuck up to myself in 2020. And I started to make deliberate choices about every single thing in my life. to put me in a position where I could find deeper meaning and purpose and connection and relationships that make me feel like I deserve to be here. What is going on, everybody? Welcome back to another state tranquilo episode.

We are here with Nikki Spolstra today. And we're going to get into some fun conversations, talk a little Miami, tell Nikki's story, maybe get a little vulnerable and get into some of the weeds. of Nikki's journey in life, which I think is extremely inspiring and would love to be able to give a platform for you to be able to speak on that. But before we get into anything, I want to jump right into it, talk about being from West Kendall. I know there's like a stigma. A Broad made a, you know, a comment a couple years ago saying that he grew up in the hood, and we all know he's a Kendall boy. But tell us a little bit about growing up in West Kendall and kind of how Miami has

kind of changed over the last few years. Andre, it's so good to be here. Thank you for having me. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to connect with your audience. I'm really excited. Yeah, so growing up in West Kendall, it's so funny that Arod said that because everybody in Kendall's like, this is not the hood, you guys. I didn't feel like I grew up in the hood.

I get like where Kendall people are like the hood in that it is our neighborhood. It is very much a neighborhood. And kind of a mindset, too. I personally think that all of the prettiest girls come from Kendall. Now Dural and Hiale are competing, I mean, Dural, you know what? I'm not shading any of a person. I would say that's a big three. That's a big three.

That's a big three. And sorry, but like the private school demo, they don't like to hear that. I mean, I don't disagree. If you do a rundown, you don't have to get super in depth on this. I hate this. I do not even on, I do not rate women because I'm such a girl's girl. But you brought it up in my head started thinking. And I'm like, I'm just going to throw it out there.

Or, you know, anyway, but growing up in West Kendall was so normal. Like, my dad was a Miami Beach firefighter, so I had access to, like, to Miami Beach, and I went out, and, like, I would drive my ass all the way from Kendall. And I actually had a very, like, intimate understanding of Miami Beach because I'd go to work with my dad every once in a while. I'm like, oh, this is what people are talking about, like South Beach, and this is, like, the historical architecture and all of these things. And I took, my parents did a really good job of exposing.

me to a lot of different life experiences. Like I took piano classes and my piano teacher was in coral gables, so I remember driving through the gables and seeing all the beautiful foliage and the trees and going to coconut grove. And my dad was a long-time boater. And so we'd take our boat out. He kept the boat on the side of the house, you know, and we'd take it out at one of like the marinas.

And I just had a really, even though my childhood was traumatic in a lot of ways, I still had really, really beautiful memories. and I have a lot of fondness towards the city just from being here for so long and also from my family being from here for so long. My dad was born in Westchester and he went to Coral Park Senior High School. I went to Killian.

My grandparents, my grandfather was born in Miami as well, and he went to Coral Gables High School with my grandmother where they got engaged like under a tree at Coral Gables Senior High School, which is still there. The tree is, I mean, the school is still there, but the trees. I got it still there because there was people that wanted to knock it down and build a stadium there.

Is that really? Yeah. No way. I had an idea. Okay. Well, thank goodness. Cool Gables High School is still there. I mean, what a property.

Like, I drive around now that I live in the Coal Gables, and I'm like, holy shit, like, Gables High is an enormous. It's huge. It is massive. So my memories of growing up in West Kendall are very traditional childhood. Like, to me, it felt like a very nice. normal upbringing. Like, yeah, we had access. I had access to Miami nightlife and the things that that people think about when they think about Miami and the beaches and, you know, the party scene and all this stuff. But I also just had a very kind of like regular life, right? Being from a blue

collar working class family, it was like, get up and grind and you get up and you go to school and you go to work and you do your homework and you I was a dancer so I went I was in Top Gun shout out to Top Gun because that is like its own sorority fraternity of sorts you know and if you know you know type shit but like that was just the daily grind and I took a lot of pride in the fact that my mom was a teacher and I took a lot of pride in the fact that my dad was a firefighter my grandmother was a volunteer at Fairchild Tropical Gardens and so I would go with her and do a volunteer hours and I would just like run around the garden and it felt like my own backyard, my own payhouse. And so I think once, this is weird,

I don't know, I don't know what I should label it, but basically I was like eight years old and I had been studying the Everglades. And my parents were like, well, who do you want to be for Halloween? And I was like, Marjorie Stoneman Douglas, duh. Like she's an old lady who you see if you go to Fairchild Tropical Garden, you see a statue of her. She's like this older woman who had a huge impact on the Everglades in the history of South Florida. And I'm like, I want to be her. So like, when we talk about becoming here, I'm like, even then, eight-year-old Nikki was like, I want to be her. I mean, I want to be that bitch. I want to be the girl who makes a difference. I want to be Marjorie Stoneman Douglas. You know, and that was like my energy from a young child.

And I was just like, who are the bitches making, making big waves in Miami? Because I'm on that tip. Well, tell something about you. You didn't want to just be like a celebrity, you know, or, I mean, nothing to take away from athletes. But like, those are like the common. Things people want to be. My child wants to be Seth Curry. Like, yeah, I get it. Like, I get it. He's amazing.

But to be someone like that, that tells you a little bit about, like, your brain's wired a little bit differently. It does show you, like, how my brain was wired, I think, from a young age. Yeah, sure. No, definitely. So you went to Kalyan and then you went to Florida International University. Yes, I did. Big, big pause up. Pause up.

Did you go to FIU? I did. And that's why I want to talk about it because I think FIU does not get enough love in the city of Miami. They talk about that other school there in Coral Gables, UGC over there. No, I'm going to say it. Like, no, no, no, you, sorry, no offense. Like, you guys are the University of Coral Gables. Oh, she said it.

Oh, my God. Do you know, uh... You guys, we're not going to say their name. No, I know. But you guys are the University of Coral Gables. And FIU is the real University of the City of Miami and of the people. the good people of Miami. Because tell me what area codes you see

at the University of Coral Gables is not 305 or 786. I mean, sure, yes, some of you guys go there. And you know what? It's not the majority. Here we go on a rant on it. Because here's the thing. All these people went and got their undergrad.

Okay, so the Miami locals, some of them go to UM for their undergrad, right? Or they go to the University of Coral Gables for their undergrad. Where did they get their law degree? FIU. where who who who which school is outperforming all the other schools in law and medicine f iu oh okay but then you go and you you they're like yeah i know they're i know they're with your

u m license plate well it's your um license plate hasn't didn't even go to u m didn't even go there they don't even go there they go they go to f iu they go to miami date and they're throwing up to you i'm like your delusion like your your your head's all messed up you're not passionate about the school that gave you an education, like that should be your priority over throwing up the you. 100, which is a huge reason why I joined the alumni board association. And so I'm like, I'm so proud and honored to be affiliated with them. I want, I want people in Miami and people who went to FIU that are not from Miami, I want them to have a big sense of pride because FIU is like very young school. It is a very, very young school for, so for accomplishing as much

as FIU has in this very, very short, tiny amount of time. And you look at like, you look at the physical presence that it has, it's enormous now. Like, it is physically enormous. Like, the campus is large, right? They've done so much good in a very, very short amount of time that has taken other state universities and private universities years and years and years to build and create. And so people shade, okay, well, FIU's locking in the athletic department.

Okay, okay, fair. But, like, we also don't have as many years in the game as the other schools do. So like, these are cultures and sports that I've been around for hundreds of years. That's right.

FIU doesn't have nearly the same time frame. That's right. Or budgets. And that's a whole other thing. And that's why I think part of, like, my role as a board member

of the Alumni Association is to get our alumni reinvested in the school to think that it's cool to take pride and have a sense of ownership in the legacy that they're creating

for FIU and its future. Because it really is our responsibility to carry the torch for that. And, you know, something that we were talking about before off record, Andre, is like, Miami is so dense with talent. We have so much talent athletically in this great city. And it's hard to retain athletes when you're being pulled in so many different directions in a city like ours, right? Like, it's hard. It's legitimately hard to get a football player to want to stay here when they know not a ton of people are going to the FIU games.

We need to change that. Why? when they can go somewhere out of state where that college football team is the only thing happening in that pro dung town where everybody in the city and surrounding cities goes and packs that stadium. So I definitely think that there's room for growth.

I love being a part of that growth with FIU and I think that there's such big, big things happening on the horizon for FIU and the alumni and just all of the people that are associated with it. Yeah, I agree. I mean, you talk about the academic side. I think they've done a phenomenal job there. throwing everybody out the water.

Yeah, it's incredible what they've been able to build there on both the undergrad side and on the graduate side of the school. Absolutely. But it's a kind of piggyback off of the sports component, right? I mean, there's been a ton of challenges that FIU's face, I guess, over the year. And, you know, I mean, for people that know FIU, they know, like, the old AD was kind of a little controversial there, and there was issues with him. So they've brought in new life and they've brought in new, I guess, identity within the sports

program, like a guy like Scott has come in and I think is doing. doing a great job and now they brought in Willie Simmons on the football team. You know, I think those are the right types of changes that you need to build. You got to build a culture. Yeah. Until there's not a, until a culture is truly built, it's going to be hard to build anything. And they tried for the last, you know, decade, I guess you can say. But from what you hear internally, there was never a true culture built there.

And there was nothing that was going to really be sustainable to build. So I think personally, like in the next 10 years, you could see a completely different situation in athletics at FIU. I agree. I think it's a really interesting position for me to be in with FIU because I got to see the making of professional sports team culture in a lot of ways. And so I have a lot of BTS experience with that.

And so it's like I went to grad school of culture building in a way. And I'm really excited to have a voice in FIU's development, whether that's sports or just the school's culture in general, because I've been there and I've seen it, especially just like starting from being a Miami Heat dancer and being involved with the Miami Heat for so long. Like I've seen so much and I feel like I can bring a lot to the table when it comes to the future of FIU that I'm really, really excited about. I'm excited.

That's awesome that you're involved like that and having someone like yourself involved, I think, is extremely powerful for the school. so. Thanks. On the Up for FIU. On the Up and Up. Yeah. Hell yeah. So let's talk a little bit about, I guess, I don't know, you tell me what the timeline is,

but maybe the last six years of your life or so. Okay, so the last six years have been wild and crazy. So six years, well, I guess my son is about to turn seven. Right. So let's see. I had two boys within 20 months. So I say this with a lot of sensitivity because I know that there are so many people, Andre, that and couples that are really hoping to get pregnant and have a family, start a family, and they want children of their own. And it's difficult for them.

And I want to be sensitive to that while also owning the fact that, like, I did not think I ever really wanted to have kids. And here I am with three. And I'm like, oh, my gosh. Like, me, really me? Like, I wouldn't have, I would have, that doesn't track, right? Like the me of before, that doesn't track. Like, today I know it tracks. But before, when I was younger,

I just had such a tumultuous relationship with my own family of origin that I thought, like motherhood is not for me. Like, I don't think I can do it. I don't think that I'm worthy of being a mom. I don't feel like I had the best mother figure. I was like, this shit ain't for me. And it wasn't ever like a hard,

I'm not having kids attitude, but it was just something that I did. didn't think was going to be part of my reality. Like, I didn't put much thought into it at all. And so I had been on birth control for many, many years, which I, like, refused to go on birth control now. And this might, I don't know if your audience gives a shit about birth control, but, like, I think that everybody should hear about it, guys and girls, too, because...

It's real. It's a real thing. Like, if you are a man and you like women, like, you should listen to their shit. Like... 100%. So, like, I was on birth control for so long. not getting pregnant, making sure I did not get pregnant. And I was like, who knows?

Maybe I'm one of these women who can't have babies. Like, I have no idea. It's true. So after I got married, I went off birth control because I was like, I don't need to be on these hormones anymore. Like, whatever, if I get pregnant, oh well, but like maybe I won't get pregnant and then here we go. Like, whatever, right?

So that's, I got pregnant. Yeah. I got pregnant. Yeah. And then this is kind of funny. And then this is kind of funny. I'm going to share a funny story with you because I love being funny.

I went and I got my boobs done after I had my kid because I was like, that's it. I'm not having any more kids. Like we've got to get the boobs done. After my first son was born, I'm like, I want new boobs. Even though my boobs are great. I just wanted them greater, nicer.

So I went and I got a new pair of boobs. And in my mind, I'm like, I'm getting my boobs done because they always say, if you're going to get your boobs done, get your boobs done after you have a kid. I'm like, I had the kid, I got my boobs up. Right? And then, in my mind, I'm done.

And then my son turns one, and I'm pregnant. And I'm like, I don't understand how this happened. And I remember having a conversation with my plastic surgeon, Jason Altman, whom I think is amazing and the best guy for boobs in Miami. And I know all the Miami people are listening. So I said what I said, Jason Altman is the best, a game for boobs if you're looking to get a boob job. There you go.

He doesn't pay me, but he should. After this, evil. I don't know. I don't need any more boobs. What are you going to do for me? So I remember talking to him, and he's like, Nikki, a new pair of boobs is not birth control. If anything, it's the opposite of birth control. It is the opposite of birth control. And I'm like, why?

And I remember, I'm like, so I had a pregnancy. test when my one-year-old is like crawling around on the floor and I'm like crying like no way I had really bad postpartum anxiety and depression with my after the birth of my first son and I was just like no way I was like no can't do it again I can't do it again kids terrified terrified so whatever I go through the pregnancy obviously I have my son Dante and I had always drank alcohol in a way that was unhealthy I always knew that also. Like I always knew from the first time I drank alcohol when I was like 15 years old, I like drank to get blackout. And I thought maybe it was a phase. Maybe it was just me learning

things. Right. Just being young. Right. Or people you need to learn how to control your drinking. Like you need to know when to stop and all these things. And I think even before I had my first son, I was already reckoning with like my relationship with alcohol. I was like, this isn't right. I'm not happy on a soul level. Like I was not happy on a soul level. for a lot of reasons, but I was drinking and misusing alcohol and drugs. And I was like, you know, I would get pregnant and then I would stop drinking because you're not supposed to drink when you're pregnant. So I would not drink when I was pregnant.

Right. But as soon as I had my children, I was like, back to drinking. Back to drinking. And not only that, Andre, while I was pregnant, it felt like torture. Like while I was pregnant, not drinking felt like torture. I was like, I was like dying for. to have the baby so that I could like have a drink. Right.

Right. Or I'd ask my doctor, are you sure I can't have a glass of wine? He's like, I wouldn't have a glass of wine, dude. Right. Like, no. No. Right. And that pain of like always wanting it is I'm thinking like I don't experience today as a sober

like I don't experience that. So my third pregnancy was a lot different because I was already sober and practicing a program of recovery. And like I did not feel tortured, not drinking, right? Because I had already worked a program. and had continued to work a program of recovery. So my son, Dante, was born in December of 19, and I was back to drinking as soon as he was born.

I didn't breastfeed, so I was like, not doing that. And then in March of 2020, the world shut down. COVID happens. And most people I've spoken to are like, oh, yeah, we were definitely drinking a lot more. Oh, 100%. The alcoholics in the world were probably also drinking a lot more. I'll never forget. I think like when COVID was like official, like everything was shut down.

People are like. We put a total wine order of like, I don't know how many hundreds of dollars. Okay. Because you're like we got to have something to do. Hunker down. It was ridiculous. House party, hurricane party like on forever. Yeah.

So everybody's like the general consensus is that everybody was drinking more in general, right? and I was no different. So I also was drinking more. And I also had nowhere to hide because everybody was stuck in the house. And I realized, oh my gosh, this has gotten completely out of control. Like if I thought it was out of control before, it's really out of control now. And then I hit rock bottom on April, the night of April 17th, 2020. And there are a lot of things that led to the rock bottom.

But I had a consistent feeling that I didn't want to live anymore. And that wasn't the type of energy where I was like, I didn't ever feel, Andre, like I was going to do something to harm myself. But I felt like I didn't deserve a place in life. I didn't think that my kids deserved a person like me. And it's wild because in hindsight, I'm like a person like you. What does that even mean? But, and I get emotional thinking about it,

because it really was such a hard time when I was going through it. And I feel for that version of me. I felt that way. Because my life has so much meaning and purpose now that I'm like, holy shit, I can't believe I even felt that way. It's like a different person. And so going through that feeling of not wanting to exist anymore or feeling like I was such like scum of the earth, bad person,

that my kids didn't deserve me, to me that's rock bottom. Absolutely. To me, that is an emotional rock bottom. And I share this with a lot of vulnerability because I think that if anybody is listening, it's not just about losing your job or losing your marriage or losing your house.

I used to think that alcoholics were people like under a bridge selling their body and they had no teeth and that, da, da, and I'm sure, yes, those are some of those people. But there's a lot of everyday people who have their shit together and they have the house and the marriage and the car, the nice things, and they present well, and they dress well,

and they're well-spoken, and they're whatever, that are sick inside and don't feel like their life is worth living. And that's why I don't mind crying on your camera, on your show, to talk about this because this is real-life shit that people experience. And so I came to understand that not wanting to exist is not, a way to live your life. Of course. Right?

So one of the first questions you get asked when you're pursuing sobriety in a 12-step program is, do you believe that you were powerless over alcohol and that your life has become unmanageable? And so my life externally had not become unmanageable. My relationship was there. My life was intact.

I had a job that I could keep. You know, like on the outside, everything looked manageable. Right. My internal world was not. Completely different. Was not. And at the end of the day, Andre, that's actually really what matters.

Absolutely. Is your internal world and how you feel about yourself every day, right? So April 18th, 2020, which, God willing, will be five years next month, I called a friend and she came over to my house and she 12-stepped me. And the wildest thing about that, Andre, is that I called. called this woman who had 13 years of sobriety. And she was like, no questions asked, I'm coming to your house right now. When she got to my house, she looked me in the eyes and she says,

Nikki, I've had 13 years of sobriety. We're in the thick of COVID. I literally just now considered breaking my 13 years of sobriety. And I had just, like, gotten in touch with my drug dealer and was on the way to go get, pick up some stuff. Holy cow. And then I got your call. And I turned my car around and I drove to your house.

Wow. And I'm like, if that's not God's work in my life and her life, I don't know what is. And I was like, this is an opportunity. Like, don't, do not miss this. Opportunity to take care of yourself and get your life in order. And I don't think it's a mistake, Andre, that in 2020 that I got sober, that my life since 2020 has only gotten better and better and better in the face of hardship after hardship and hardship. because arguably, 2022 is probably my more difficult year in that my mom passed away.

I got pregnant with my third daughter. My son died was diagnosed with cancer. And unbeknownst to a lot of people, like the divorce process was already, you know, underway because people don't just magically wake up and sign papers. You know what I mean? So 2022 was probably the more difficult year of my life from the outside and from actual things happening. and even with all of that, my life has only gotten better since 2020.

So when people are like, the math ain't mathing, I'm like, no, actually the math is mathing because I woke the fuck up to myself in 2020. And I started to make deliberate choices about every single thing in my life to put me in a position where I could find deeper meaning and purpose and connection and relationships

that make me feel like, I deserve to be here. And I know without a shadow of the doubt today that I deserve to be here. Absolutely. And so for people who are listening maybe in your audience who are thinking about their relationship with alcohol

or considering like, what? Hmm, I wonder if I'm an alcoholic. Yeah. Like some people think about that. They're like, hmm, I wonder if I have a problem with drinking. It's a fair question because I think the more you become aware of self, right? Yeah.

That's where you start to have those conversations. Like, okay, well, I drink on Thursday. I drink on Saturday, I drink on Monday. Like, why? You know? And you ask yourself that why. And maybe there isn't really much to it. But the more you ask yourself, you might be like,

maybe there is something deeper, right? It's like, you can't sit still. And you know, you're going out with friends. And the only thing you're thinking about is like, I got to have a drink, you know? And then that drink turns into three drinks. So I think it's a fair question for people to ask themselves. For sure. And so for people who are like sober curious, like they're not, like maybe they're like,

oh, I wonder if I have a drinking problem or whatever. my advice is always to start off, like try some controlled drinking. Like go out and be like, how does it feel to limit myself to only two drinks? Because for me, it felt like torture. And it goes back to like my first two pregnancies felt like torture.

Like not drinking felt like torture. Whereas in my third pregnancy where I had two years of sobriety under my belt, two years of sobriety under my belt, it didn't feel, not drinking didn't feel like torture anymore. Like, it felt manageable. Right. Which that's interesting.

when you think about it, right? Because not, you got to go nine months, you know, without drinking, that you would think, I don't know, psychologically that maybe that would do a shift naturally for you, but it did the opposite. It made you crave it, I guess, even more. Right. But it was like my mindset around the drinking, you know, like now I've done a lot of like work and recovery where I have tools for wanting to escape. You know what, Andre, I still struggle with escapism. Like that, I don't know that 's ever going to go away from me. Right. I still want to escape my problems. I still want to make the which I think is, which I think is natural. Right. And I think a lot of us, what we're doing through life is we're looking for dopamine

hits in different ways. So true. Like for some people, it's sex, right? Some people, it's porn. Some people it's gambling. Some people, it's shopping. Some people, it's over, like, filling your faces for women. Like, maybe if I get my lips done one more time. Maybe if I get Botox just a little bit more. Maybe if I change my hair again and again and again. Like, we're all looking for these dopamine hits to satiate, to give ourselves this temporary high. And that's where like the inside work really comes into play. And I do it now. Like I pay attention to my shopping, right? Because I'm like, do I really want a new Chanel bag or do I just, am I just looking for the high of like buying something new? Right. Yeah. Like, which one is it, babe? Like that's what, these are the conversations I have

with myself. And I think I have a pretty good sense of awareness now and I can have like a general like, oh, this is what you're doing. I see you. I can call myself on my bullshit now a lot more easily than I used to. I think self-awareness is one of the hardest things to be able to achieve, right? Because you might be able to achieve it, but then you can't live with what you understand about yourself in that process of like self-discovery, right? Yeah. And then you have to ask your question, well, okay, am I going to hold myself accountable to make the changes that I may need to make in my life? And I think that's things that people are not willing to do because you become self-aware saying, I have this problem and this problem and this problem. But if you don't do anything about it and

create action to create change in your life, the awareness doesn't really mean anything. I think a lot of people also don't know what the fuck to do. Right. Like, I think people just don't know what to do. Yeah, it's true. It could feel like overwhelming. Right. You're like, what do I do with all this information? Like, what do I even, okay, now what? Yeah. Now what? And we weren't exactly modeled this stuff by our parents. You know what I mean? Oh my God. Like, it's not like the generations that came before us. Like, like, I cannot pay my, my dad money to go to therapy. Like, he's like, well, I'm no, I turned out okay. I'm like, okay. He's like, you turned out great. I'm like, no, I spend thousands of dollars on therapy. I am not okay, babe.

I'm like, dad, I'm not okay. Also, everyone's babe. I'm like everyone's babe. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, dad, babe, no. I'm like, we're not sure if it's condescending or loving. I think it's loving. It comes from a good place. So you talk about the inner work, like what's some of the inner work that you've done over the years and that you continue to do? Making amends with people sucks, but you've got to do it. Okay. So one of the things that I've had to do in a 12-set program of recovery is like you take a moral inventory. And that sucks ass because it feels like you're just basically telling yourself what a piece of shit you are and all the ways you're terrible.

And then you're left like. Okay. Oh, I'm doing this now. I'm so bad. Like, I'm so bad. Like, how do, like, if I wasn't, like, now I want to drink, right? How is this? This seems counterintuitive, guys.

Like, this seems counterintuitive. It's so true. But it's really about, like, facing your, like, looking at yourself in the mirror. And the part about it is, like, your people in recovery typically are not doing this shit alone. Like, you're doing it with, like, a trusted person, a person who has your back and is like, okay, we're going to face this. Now, we're going to face this, right? Look in the mirror.

These are things you don't like about yourself. Also, like, taking an inventory of, like, the way that you've harmed other people. be willing to make amends. And so part of it is like I had to pray for the willingness to make the amends. Like I couldn't just make the amends. I'm like, please let me make the amends. No, just let's pray God. Please just make me willing to consider the possibility of making an amend with someone.

Because I don't want to say sorry to anyone because you know what, Andre, sometimes it's easier to be self-righteous. in your anger, to be self-righteous in your, the way you behaved. Well, I did this because that. Right. All I can do, Andre, is clean my side of the street, man. Like, at the end of the day, today, all I can do is clean my side of the street regardless of what you did to me, whatever. Like, that's on you. I can just take care of what I've done, regardless of why I did it. Right. Well, I think there's also power in yourself and the fact that you're willing to forgive, maybe even if people don't deserve to be forgiven.

I think that's huge. You know? I think that's one of the most powerful things because if you continue to feed into other people's energies, right? I think that's feeding the beast of what maybe those people's vulnerabilities and those people's own problems that they have that they're projecting out, you know, in the real world. Yeah, I think I always say this about resentment.

Like having resentment towards another person is like drinking poison, you drinking poison. Yeah, you're harming yourself. And expecting the other person to die. Right. I'm like so mad at it. you. I'm so resentful towards you that I'm drinking this poison. I think that me being mad at you is hurting you. It's not. It's hurting me. Right. Yeah. I'm like so you want to talk about like forgiveness. Forgive yourself. Forgive them for your own good. Like be selfish about your forgiveness.

Fine. Yeah. If you're not going to do it for your for them do it for you. Absolutely. Because it's only eating you up inside. Truly. Real talk. Where do you think like I mean, because God damn like you again, I, I want to. like give you your flowers because you've really done some amazing things and also i've never cried on a podcast ever i was i was crying i wanted to get up i did i was i was i was like is it going to happen i was like if if foof like i'm still kind of a little emotional right now i'm not going to like but i do want to give you give you your flowers um for you know just everything that you've dealt with in your life and i always say like god gives us a deck of cards and the deck of cards that

we're given are not, are not too much for us to handle, right? And they may not make sense in those moments, but there's a reason why he gave us those cards, right? And how we choose to play them is our choice and how we kind of work through the game of life really is kind of where God kind of dictates that, right? And you've had a certain deck of cards that were given to you, you know, between the death of your mother, your son that had cancer, you know, the issues that you had with alcohol and then obviously the divorce all kind of like within the same time. Like where do you get that power and like what keeps you so, I guess, motivated to to push through? Because some people might see that and be like, this is too much.

Like I can't do it. But for you, I feel like you've been able to turn that pain into power, I guess you could say. Well, first of all, thank you for the flowers and for saying that. did you learn all of this at Columbus? I did not. So I have a story too, and I'm not going to get into it too. But I have a, I have a, the reason I started this was very intentional in the fact that I understand there's a lot of adversity in life and there's pain points in life.

And I had my adversity, you know, my senior year of Columbus essentially, and it led into a little bit of college. But it shifted my whole perspective on life. And, you know, I just, when I know people I've gone through something, like I understand because I went through my own battles with my family. And I always just appreciate people that kind of turn out on the other side because it's really easy to get consumed in the problems that life gives you, right? But I use that pain in my life into a power. And, you know, I turned it into something like this that I hope, you know, continues to impact people and give inspiration to people that, it's all not going to be bad at the end of the day.

There is something on the other side of this. You just got to believe, you got to think positive and feed yourself with all the right things so that you can't come out better from it. And that's why I ask you that question because I see it. I know you've done it and you're doing it. There's never like an end result of this.

Right. There's not an end game. But you're doing it. You're doing the thing. Thank you. The reason why I flipped it back to you is because I can see it also. And I think that's part of why it's so important that people like us have these conversations and give people the space because I think like we all are walking around in the world not knowing that other people are having that are experiencing

pain and suffering and especially with the way that the internet is and everybody's curated exposure you know it's it's hard to think that like other people are facing the same problems that you are and I always say that like everybody's experiencing the same root feelings and it's just packaged differently externally. And so... It's a great way to put it. How I got through this is because I think... Well, I think that there was a big part of like I did not have a purpose.

I felt while I was drinking and using drugs, I felt like I was untethered from source. I felt like I didn't have a purpose, right? And I am not a religious person. I am a faithful person. I am not a religious woman. I am a faithful woman. I am deeply, divinely rooted. into the God of my understanding as God.

And I believe, like you said, that God puts places, ideas, feelings, desires, passions, interests, experiences, hardships into our head, our hearts, and our bodies. And then we have the power of free will after that. So I believe that we are co-collaborating with God all the time. And that God places all of these things within us for a reason, of a divine reason, but we have to do something about it. Like we have the power of choice, like you said, and we have free will.

So we get to choose how we want to react to a certain thing. And I'll be the first to tell you, and I'm one of the things, like, what you talked about, like, how do you do? Like, I don't know how you got there before, but I'm like facing your own shit and calling myself out on my own bullshit is like I had to do a lot of that

and I still do a lot of that every day where I'm like, I don't like how I responded. I'm big on apologizing to my kids, for example. Like, I tell them that mommy messes up, You know, I'm a person. This is my first time being a mom to a seven-year-old. I've never been a parent to a seven-year-old before. Like, I'll show you grace. Let's show each other grace as a family. But I think my reason and the way is that even at my lowest point in my life when I didn't necessarily want to live anymore, or I just wanted to like disappear. It's not that I didn't want to live. I kind of like wanted to like not exist, which is different. I always felt like feeling nothing, or feeling pain was better than feeling nothing. I was like, okay, pinch me. Does it hurt?

Okay, I'm still alive. I'm like, cut me. Can I bleed? I'm still alive. Let's not bleed out. But like, if I can feel pain, I'm alive. And I'd rather feel pain than feel numb to the world. And I think that has to do with the simple fact that I truly love living.

Today, I truly love living even when it's hard. And I believe in turning my pain into purpose. And I think that that is combined with passion, right? Because you have to be passionate about doing that. Some people are like, oh my gosh, how can you talk about such private things? It's the same way why after my son rang the bell at Nicholas Children's Hospital when he went into remission, I'm not out here raising money for cancer research. I think that other people can do that, and that's great.

And I think that they might be able to move the needle in a financial way that will be better served towards doing that, towards that goal. I think that one of the life gifts that I've been blessed with is the ability to connect with people. I do. And I think that that has presented itself in my career as a dancer, like the way that I can connect with music and hear music differently than maybe some other people who can't dance or have two left feet, you know? Like, that's a gift that I've received from God, as I understand God, is my ability to connect with music, which translated into my ability to connect with people.

Like, I've been talking like this. Somebody asked me the other day, how did you learn to talk like this? I've been talking like this since I was a kid. I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. It's natural.

It's natural. It's just natural for me to want to connect with people. I try to approach things, Andre, from a sense of curiosity rather than assumption all the time. Like, I'd rather be curious about anything than assume. And I've been like that since I was a little girl too, and I've just tried to, like, hone into it, right? And so refine it and continue to work at it.

And really what it comes down to, how did I get through it? How did I turn it into something positive is that I love living life? And I think that, like, okay, this is going to get woo-woo on our friends here. I'm all for it. You know, I don't know for sure that there is heaven and I don't know for sure that there is hell. I don't know that for sure. We can talk about faith and we can say that that's what faith is, is believing something without having a tangible example of it.

I don't know for sure. What I do know for sure is that I identify this present world, this present life as heaven and hell. I think that hellish things happen and heavenly things happen here in this lifetime all the time. and that while I have the consciousness of mind every single day here, that I better treat this life with the utmost respect, understanding that children get cancer, and that's like a hell experience, but understanding that miracles happen also every day,

and that is something of heaven. And so, I don't know, I just try to live my life in that way, and I'm not perfect at it, and I call myself out on my bullshit, and I admit, I think the biggest change for me has been like I'm willing to admit when I'm wrong. I'll call you out, but I'll call me out too in the story. Like a lot of people say that, like, you know, you talk about two sides of the story. A lot of people will say, oh, that person did that.

I'm like, that person did that and I did this. And I was wrong in this way. And I'm like, give me a mic. I'll say it louder. I'll call you out louder, but I'll also call myself out loud too. And I have that sense, you know, saying you have. have humility is like a very anti-humble thing to do. It doesn't really make sense.

It's like, yeah, I'm so humble. I'm so humble. I don't know that's how it works. But I do, right. But on that note, it's like I have enough humility to admit that I'm wrong. Right. About things. And I might not always do it in the moment, but I usually come around to it.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if that answered your actual question. No, it did. And you said so many things that like my head was just like spinning. And one of the things that you said was like going back to purpose and how it leads to passion, right? And I laughed when you said that because there's something that I have in my journal that just one day, you know, meditating, journaling, just kind of like being in my space, I came up

with this kind of like flowchart. And it was purpose leads to passion. Passion leads to progress and progress leads to results. But the core of everything that you do has to begin with purpose because purpose is going to inspire the passion of what you want to do. And without some sort of passion attached to it, then you have to see progress because nothing's going to happen from one day to the next. Yeah. And then with progress, you're going to start to see results in your life. And with whatever it is, you know, whether that's career, that's relationships. Absolutely.

That's your own self-identity. I think it all has to come back to the core of like who you are or what you stand for and what, you know, what brings you joy at the end of the day. Yeah. And I think that there's a lot in that, right? I think that service is a big part of it. I think that, you know, the results will come. I always say, like, if I'm doing something that I love and I believe in and I'm

pure about and I'm willing to grow and I'm willing to make mistakes and I'm willing to learn, the money will come if I believe that I'm doing things in service and like we can look at it. Okay, so I have a podcast. You have a podcast. We're serving people. Hopefully we're helping one person today. Hopefully one person is impacted today. And if that one person, I don't care if it's 100 or thousands or millions of people that

are being impacted. If we impacted one person, then we were winning today. Absolutely. So, okay. So we can be like service. minded, right? I'm serving other people with my gift, right? Just how a teacher is serving a person with their gift or a coach is serving somebody with their gift or a mechanic is serving somebody with their gift. You're being a service to a person who needs what you have, what your gift is,

right? Even if I can't, maybe I'm not even impacting that many people, actual people yet. I'm servicing God by using my gift that God gave me. It is my divine right and my divine duty to use the gifts I've been given to be of service. And so I think that fame chasing is for the birds. And I recently did a rant on my social media. I think I did see this one. About cleaning money. And I'm not talking about cleaning money in the money laundering sense. I'm talking about energetically cleaning money. If you're chasing fame, you might want to question the purity of your intentions, right? Because, like, and that's fine. Like, you can want to be famous for the sake of being famous.

Like, Kimi K. is a beast. I love her. I love me some Kim K. Like, I think that people in reality TV are extremely fun to watch, and they're serving a purpose of entertainment, right? Right. And people watch these shows for entertainment. For me, I'm like, what am I trying to?

get out of this podcast that I'm doing out of the women's group, the exclusive online women's community that I host, is it to be famous? No, it's to be to serve. And if for me, I've had to recommend like, okay, well, I want to reach more people. Well, that's going to come. That's going to come when I stay dedicated to the mission, right? If I'm chasing fame or that my, everybody knows my name, like, then it sort of dilutes, it dilutes the experience, and then it dilutes the energy of my money that I get, the bag that I'm getting. I want my bag to be pure. And so when it comes to money anyway, like money is an energetic exchange, right? You do a job and you receive an income. And sometimes, right, if your intentions aren't pure behind the line

of work that you do, whatever it is, I don't give a shit, what it is that you do, like, if your intentions aren't pure with it, you're getting muddy, muddy money back. I'm trying to clean that muddy money. Hell yeah. I don't want my money muddy. It's true.

Energy's real and it comes in a variety of different forms and money is one of the most powerly, powerful forms. That people don't talk about enough. Right, I agree. And there's two sides to it, right? There's the dirty energy money that we know exists, you know, pretty much everywhere and anywhere we're around.

Yeah. But there's good money around this and good energy of money. And I think what you said was perfect, right? It's the intention of what your mission is and the money will just kind of fall to you because God sees that you're serving your purpose in life and is going to not reward you,

but he's going to provide you the tools to continue to live out your purpose and give you everything that you need to be able to do that. Yeah. And it's hard to believe that. It's so hard. Because you think like, oh, no, but I got to go hustle and I got to go get money and I'm going to get money this way

and I'm going to get money this way. And yes, there is a lot of money. kind of a component to that. But if you can have faith behind you to be able to believe in that whatever you're doing is going to reap its benefits and everything that you need is going to be provided to you, it will happen. Yeah. And I want to give you a tangible example of that.

Like after I got a divorce, I was approached by a very popular reality TV show to be on the cast. And there was a part of me that was like, oh my gosh, if I do this, my podcast is going to blow the fuck up. Right. Right? I was like, I got the stars of my eyes for a little, and I was like, oh gosh, my gosh,

this could be a game changer. Like, this could put me on a national, international level of visibility for my podcast, which is my purpose, which is I'm doing with intention. Right. And then after really sitting with the feelings of that and like, what would that bring?

The pros and the cons. Like, I ultimately was like, I'd rather have a slow rise, even if it takes me forever and have people who are just really, really bought in, then expose myself to, in that world, in the reality TV world, it's like giving over my sense of control. Right.

Right. Where you can basically create me into a character of your choosing, which has nothing to do with my purity of intention. And it changes completely the perspective on what people have on you based off of what they see on the show. And so I was like, no, I'm not going to do that. I believe that if I stay on this path, even if it's slower, even if my climb is harder, even if it takes me a longer time to climb that mountain that I'm going to get there and it's

going to be for all the right reasons. And I think that's just a really like a tangible example of exactly what you're saying. Right. Yeah. No, I agree. I could talk about this for like hours. I know me too. I really could. But kind of to wrap it up, I want to ask you a question. You can get as deep as you want with it. You can get as surface level as you want with it. But with everything that's happened in your life and where you are today, what would you say you're most grateful for today? You know, on like, on, in the moment is like my life. Like it, it sounds so, I think it sounds so cheesy to say that. I'm so grateful for my life. I am so grateful for my life because there was that moment where I did not want to have it. And I'm like, oh my gosh, you still have it,

girl. I'm grateful that I'm still standing. Like, sometimes yesterday was, so we're, we're recording on today's 18th of March. Yes. So yesterday was St. Patrick's Day. And I wore green and people were like, oh, I can't pinch you. I'm like, no, pinch me. Because is this a fucking dream? Like, am I awake?

Is this my real fucking life? Like, I cannot believe that life has gotten to be this good for me. Like, I'm grateful for my life. I'm grateful for the hardships. I'm grateful for every hard thing that I've ever been through, which has created an energy of of happiness and peace to just be here. And I'm like, it's allowed me to roll with the punches because I've had no other choice,

but to roll with the punches. I've had the opportunity to recreate myself, re-get to know myself, redefine who I am and what I want to become. I think that, like, you know, when you're in anything for a really long time, whether that's a relationship or a job or even your family,

the energy of your family of origin, your identity gets diluted by, not diluted, you know, enhanced for a lot of people by your surroundings of whether it's your job or your partner or your siblings or your parents or whatever it is, your apartment that you're in. You know, you have the ability to rise up and meet that energy where it is or it eats you alive and sometimes it just does nothing. And I don't know if I'm here to just do nothing either or not grow in either direction. Exactly. I'd rather deal with the lows and the eyes.

Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. So I'm like, I've gotten the opportunity to shift my circumstances and rediscover who I am and learn that like where I used to hate myself and not like myself at all, like I actually really like the person I am and the person that I'm becoming, even knowing like the flaws in all, right? even knowing that I still have room for improvement, even knowing that I still have a short temper and I need to like take a breath and count to five or ten or twenty, sometimes before responding.

You know, like I like myself, I like my life, I like the little humans that I'm helping to raise. I like my job. I'm just really grateful for the things that I have. I'm grateful for my life. I'm grateful for the abundance of wealth that I get to have. And I don't just mean financial wealth. I'm talking about wealth. Like, my life is rich.

There's a saying that I say a lot. And it's like some people are so poor. All they have is money. Like, my life is so rich. That's such a, I've heard of that before. That one's good. You know, I'm like, I look at my life and it is abundant. It is rich.

And not like just in a financial sense. Like my life is rich in all of the ways. And it's not by mistake. I've done a lot of work. I've put in work to make it that way. For people who are listening, I'm just like, we can't wait for things to fall in our lap. But when something does fall in your lap, something good falls in your lap, that's a sign from God that you should hold on to it and run with it.

I think that we wait a lot of times, Andre, for God to send us signs. And we're waiting for a signier sign. Like, God will give you a sign and be like, here, you should do this. And you're like, that's not signy enough. me. Yeah, yeah, it's like, nah, I'm still confused. Like, why don't you punch me in the face? Yes, and that's what will happen. Right. Like, you'll get kicks through the door one way or another, whether that's on the good things or the, like maybe you need to leave something, maybe you need to run into it. Right. Like, like, let's, why don't we handle the signs with grace? Right. Like,

why don't we take the grace for route to handling the signs? So I'm, apparently, we don't, we don't like it that way. We want it as, I don't know, as turbulent as possible. Sometimes it feels like. But now I'm like, I'm pursuing a life of less turbulence. Yeah. Even though that, like, the turbulence is like always going to be there. But I'm like, let me not take the turbulent route this time. You know what? I always kind of, I guess, use life as like a metaphor as, like, considering that there is turbulence and all this.

Like, I watch surfers. Yeah. When they're surfing these massive waves and kind of like the chaos and the power that's within a wave. but they're just cruising so peacefully and like graciously on it. And they'll wipe out, but they'll get back up and they'll ride that wave again. And I'm like, that's really exactly what life is. And you're going to be on the high of a wave and you're going to be on the low of a wave. You're going to wipe out, but you're going to get back up on the board.

And you're just going to keep riding life that way. I want to say something about that though. Yeah. That surfer, riding that wave so peacefully, do you know how much work it took to get to that peaceful place for that surfer? Yeah. Because I think that we all want to be that surfer. Right. Like, no.

That surfer is like running under the water with sandbags and holding his or her breath. And that surfer is practicing every damn day, every damn day to ride the wave with peace. This piece didn't come easy. Yeah. This piece that I have today didn't come easy. So I want to be the surfer on the wave. And I have to also understand that that shit's not going to come with no effort. with zero effort, zero energy.

It's going to take practice. It's going to take repetition. Oh, yeah. Right? To be able to coax through life with that piece and fall off and get back up. And no, okay, well, no, I actually am equipped to do this. I am actually very well equipped to do this

because I've practiced. I've put in the reps. I've put in the energy. I've put in the dedication. I've done it over and over and over and over again. So of course I'm going to get the fuck up. Fuck, yeah. Of course we're going to get up.

Yeah. We've been practicing. We have done this our whole life for this moment. You didn't put that much time and energy into that to not be able to get back up. The things that look graceful, like Dwayne Wade looking graceful, like, was there raw talent that he was born with? Sure.

But he practiced. A lot. To look that graceful. So my grace that I operate with, when I look effortless or when my life looks easy, like I worked really, really hard for this ease. I worked really, really hard for this grace. And I think that we need to remind people of that. Like, you want to get to the place of peace.

You want to get to the place of grace. You got to put it in the work. Like, that comes with time, practice, repetition, and consistency. Yeah. Yeah. I could go for another hour, but... You're like, shut up. No, no.

If it wasn't for probably the cameras... I'll keep going too. The cameras. We got to do a part two, I think. I think so. Absolutely. Because there's a lot more to be said, and I just want to get into a little bit deeper of some of these topics.

but I really appreciate you coming on and taking the time to do this. I know you're busy. So appreciate you. It's my pleasure. And doing this. But we'll definitely do this again. And if you want to have some final thoughts or final comments to the people. Yeah.

So I want everybody to know that I host an online exclusive women's community. It's called Becoming Her. And Becoming Her is really the energy of like, oh, when you see somebody and you're like, oh, she's her. Yeah. Like, she's got it. Like whatever she's got, I want to, I want that. And so becoming her isn't becoming me.

It's becoming the you that you want to be. And so my community and I meet weekly on Wednesdays, and we talk about all of life's obstacles with grace and humor and sass, but like real problem-solving. And it's a beautiful community of women. We meet once a week, and then we have like expert guests that come in monthly to do webinars. There are endless resources for the community.

Obviously, the podcast is an offshoot of that, but for people who are looking for deeper, more meaningful connection and one-on-one experience, The Becoming Her community is really where it's at. And people are finding a tremendous amount of support for life, really. Like if I found recovery in a support group for recovery, like this is a support group for life. And so that's what we're really doing in the community of becoming her. People can find me online.

I respond to like all my DMs because I just think that that's part of what gets people committed. And it is who I am. Like I love connecting. Right. if I said that my life gift is connecting with people, I really love to connect with people. And so I respond to most of my DMs, unless you're mean, then I don't, unless I feel like fighting and then I will.

Instead of fighting with my family, I'm like, let me fight with a stranger. Sure, fine, fuck it. Like, better you than somebody I love. But yeah, you can find me online at Nikki Sapspo and at We Are Becoming underscore her. And all of the information is in the link in bio if you want to join the online exclusive women's community of becoming her. you, Andre. Thank you so much for having me. It's an honor and a pleasure to be here and get to know you and to share space with your audience. So thank you.

Absolutely. Thank you. Thank you guys for tuning in and we'll see you on the next one.