Stoic Wellbeing - Find the Good in this Very Moment

Episode Date: November 25, 2023

I’m reading David Fideler’s excellent book Breakfast with Seneca, where he quotes Seneca in one of his letters: “If you want to escape your troubles, you don't need to be somewhere else: you need to be someone else.” Those searching for meaning or purpose in life might think a new place will provide answers. But a new location, a new job, a new partner doesn’t guarantee a better life or a fresh start. Finding purpose involves understanding your values, interests, and goals. It’s internal work that can be done anywhere.sarahmikutel.comLooking to live a more Stoic life? Let's chat.Do you ever go blank or start rambling when someone puts you on the spot? I created a free Conversation Cheat Sheet with simple formulas you can use so you can respond with clarity, whether you’re in a meeting or just talking with friends.Download it at sarahmikutel.com/blanknomore and start feeling more confident in your conversations today.

Welcome to Stoic Wellbeing. I'm your host to Sarah Micatel, an American in England who uses Stoicism and other techniques to help my coaching clients become more present, productive, and open-hearted. I am here to help you to visit Stoicwellbeing.com to learn more. The last time I visited the U.S., I was really surprised by how many people told me I was so lucky that I didn't live there anymore. Pretty much everyone said this across the political spectrum. You got out of here just in time. This country. country's falling apart. Everyone here is crazy. I wish I lived somewhere else. And I can't fault people for wanting to live abroad because I do and I absolutely love it. And I also coach other people on how they can pack up everything and make their move to make their expat dreams come true. Travel can be restorative, fun. And in my opinion, it's the greatest form of diplomacy because we get to meet people and know people as individuals rather than stereotypes, and we can develop these deeper connections as true citizens of the world. We experience life when we're traveling. Yet travel and trading

countries is not a magic pill for happiness. There is no perfect place, and wherever we go, we take our problems with us. I'm reading David Fidelers' excellent book, Breakfast with Seneca, where he quotes Seneca in one of his letters. saying, if you want to escape your troubles, you don't need to be somewhere else. You need to be someone else. This is such a powerful quote. Those people searching for meaning or purpose in life might think that a new place will provide answers. How many times do you hear people talking about this? Like, oh, I just need a vacation. I just need to get away. But a new location, a new job, a new partner doesn't guarantee a better life or a fresh start. Finding purpose involves

understanding your values, your interests, your goals. It's internal work that can be done anywhere. This doesn't mean that we have to sit at home for the rest of our lives, journaling our way to a better mindset about our situation, although that is a good idea as well. We can proactively change our environment. Well, at the same time, becoming the kind of person who can emotionally handle whatever life throws at us. The kind of person who sees challenges as opportunities to develop our character who are grateful for what we have already. Let's say you are not happy where you live and you have a plan to move in a year. Are you going to delay your happiness for another 12 months? A lot of people think that that is their only option.

But if you spend all of your time focusing on what's wrong with where you are right now, you miss out on the good that is right in front of you. You miss out on your life and your memories become rooted in what you don't have, what you don't like, who has more than you. That kind of thinking is going to keep you stuck on this perpetual hunt for what is missing. I will be happy when life is worth. Life is worth. way too short for that kind of thinking. Focusing on the negative takes up a really valuable headspace, and it limits your opportunities. When we pay disproportionate attention to one thing, such as moving or changing jobs, and assume that that one thing is going to be the cure for everything, our health, our relationship, status, our income, we ignore other things that matter just as much, or maybe even more. psychologist Daniel Connaman calls this the focusing illusion. He said in an interview with Gallup, nothing in life is quite as important as you think it is while you are thinking about it. So nothing will ever make you as happy as you think it will. Just thinking about things can make

them seem very important. End quote. For example, he says many people want to live in a place with nice weather and think that's going to be the cure to all of their problems. But research suggests that we greatly overestimate how much weather impacts our overall happiness. And we do this for many things. But simply being aware of this focusing illusion, this one-track mind, knowing about it can help you zoom out and realize what you might be taking for granted, what opportunities you might be overlooking where you are right now. When people are stuck in an environment or a job or a situation they don't like, they cope by trying to manage their emotions. This is emotion-focused coping. And they also try to control the external thing causing the problem. That's problem-focused coping. And this can be done in an unhealthy way, like complaining or avoidance or denial, or in a healthy way, like acceptance, finding humor in your situation. or looking at things from another perspective.

Let's say you are frustrated because you hate the politics of many people in your town. Here's how you can engage in problem-focused coping. Don't spend time in pointlessly contentious spaces like social media. Limit your consumption of inflammatory media that is just feeding the polarization. Focus your energy on making your community a more harmonious place. So look for local groups working to build connections across divides, seek out other points of view, and have curious conversations with people who see things differently. You can practice emotion-focused coping by accepting that you can't control other people's anger or irrationality.

You can look at divisiveness as an opportunity to model integrity. this is your opportunity to step up. I'd remember that in the other person's mind, they think they are doing the right thing and they're not trying to be evil. And the best revenge, the Stoics say, is to not be like them. Marcus Aurelia said, don't be surprised when you meet grumpy and angry people. Prepare for it. When you meet somebody annoying, look at it as a stoic challenge of your patience and

rise above. The price of being human is dealing with other humans because we are social creatures. We were made for each other good and bad. And Marcus said that we should think of other people as our relatives and let go of resentments. We are all kin. We are all connected. Focus on what is within your control. This is your thoughts, your values, your reactions. You can choose to model understanding and goodwill. You can choose your daily habits and routines. Fill your time with meaningful activities. Be mindful and present rather than consumed by outrage and turmoil. We cannot force people to be less polarized, but we can model the kind of understanding and

goodwill that we want to see. Positive change begins with us and this ripples out. Find other people who think like you do. Our social circles influence our behavior, habits, and even our thought processes. So find people who inspire, challenge, and support you. You may have heard the quote, you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with that is attributed to the speaker Jim Rhone. But about 2,000 years earlier, Seneca said, associate with people who are likely to improve you. Welcome those who you are capable of improving. The process is a mutual one, end quote. Don't wait for perfect conditions to enjoy life. If you are in a situation or place in life that isn't quite what you had hoped for, find ways to honor where you are now. Embrace the

unique opportunities and experiences available to you right where you are. Connect with the people around you, deepen the relationships that you have, and look for ways to make a positive impact in your immediate environment. It's not too late. Even if you have one foot out the door, there are things you can do now to enrich your life and to enrich the lives of other people. Consider what you will miss when you leave, when you leave your current world behind. Even if you're looking forward to a change, there is value in reflecting on the journey that led to where you are right now at this very moment. So acknowledge and be thankful for the lessons you've learned and the growth that you have experienced. Recognize the simple beauty in everyday moments

where you are, the joy in small achievements, the gratitude for what's good here, what's often overlooked. Savor the simple joys, a conversation that brightened your day, a hobby that brings you peace, fits of laughter with a friend. Instead of solely for, focusing on what's next, actively find purpose and fulfillment in where you are now. Explore new interests, learn new skills, switch of your daily routine. Novelty can be found anywhere and you can learn something new about someone you have known for decades. These surprises enrich your life as much, if not more, than a 3,000 mile journey.

Or moving on to your dream job. As you look forward to the changes you want to make, use your current experiences to shape your future. And when it is time to start a new chapter of your life, close out this one with gratitude for who you become while you've been here. Stop waiting for the perfect conditions to enjoy your life and your job and your situation. Start what matters to you now. That's all for now.

Thank you so much for listening. And have a beautiful week wherever you are. Do you ever go blank or start rambling when someone puts you on the spot? I created a free conversation sheet sheet with simple formulas that you can use so you can respond with clarity, whether you're in a meeting or just talking with friends. Download it at sarah micotel.com slash blank no more.