Stoic Wellbeing - How Long Will You Wait Before You Demand the Best for Yourself?

Episode Date: February 12, 2022

Janus is the Roman god of beginnings and endings, transitions and passageways, doorways and duality, amongst several other things. And he was one of my favorite sculptures in my town’s art Triennial this year, formally known as the Creative Folkestone Triennial 2021. High up on the East Cliff, in a little park overlooking the ocean, stood this massive head of Janus, who’s typically portrayed with two faces, one facing toward the future and the other face looking toward the past. That's what this artwork looked like: a gleaming white, massive head of Janus with one face looking toward the harbour and the other face looking back toward the houses on the street.The sign next to Janus said, “It looks out to sea towards Europe and inland to England, contemplating what connects us as well as what divides us. It is made of plaster and chalk and will gradually degrade and disintegrate, reflecting the gradual erosion of the coastline as well as Folkestone’s history as a fort of England.”And he did melt away, helped along by vandals, by the time the Triennial ended this month. A pile of white dust and plaster on the green grass. Memento mori, as the Stoics would say. We will all end up like Janus. And most of us live with that same duality: One part of us pondering the future, another replaying the past. And we’re missing this moment. The present moment.Let's change that.❤️Hello! I'm your host, Sarah Mikutel. But the real question is, who are you? Where are you now and where do you want to be? Can I help you get there?Visit sarahmikutel.com to learn how we can work together to help you achieve more peace, happiness, and positive transformation in your life.Book your Enneagram typing session by going to sarahmikutel.com/typingsessionDo you ever go blank or start rambling when someone puts you on the spot? I created a free Conversation Cheat Sheet with simple formulas you can use so you can respond with clarity, whether you’re in a meeting or just talking with friends.Download it at sarahmikutel.com/blanknomore and start feeling more confident in your conversations today.

A lot of us say that we want more meaning in our lives to be part of something greater than ourselves, to feel more connected to other people in the universe. This begins with becoming more connected with who we are and more self-aware of what's unconsciously motivating us. Welcome to Stoic Wellbeing. I'm your host to Sarah Megatel, an American in England who uses Stoicism and other techniques to help my coaching clients become more present, productive, and open-hearted. I am here to help you to visit Stoicwellbeing.com to learn more. Janus or Janus, depending on what country you're from, is the Roman god of beginnings and endings, transitions and passageways, doorways, and duality, amongst many other things. And Heat was one of

my favorite sculptures in my town's art trineal this year, formerly known as the Creative Fokston Triennial 2021. High up on the East Cliff in a little park overlooking the ocean stood this massive head of Janice, who's typically portrayed with two faces. So one face on the front, facing towards like the future, and the other face looking back toward the past. And that is what this artwork looked like, a gleaming white, sort of marble-esque, massive head of Janus with one face looking toward the harbor and the other face looking back toward the houses on the street in our English town. And the sign next to the Janus statue said, It looks out to sea towards Europe and inland to England, contemplating what connects us as well as what divides us. It is made of plaster and chalk and will gradually degrade and disintegrate, reflecting the gradual erosion of the coastline as well as Fokston's history as a fort of England. I love that the trineal has themes and that the art tells real stories. It's not, don't bullshit me art as one of my friends likes to say. You know, you

go to a museum, then you read like the little blurb next to the art. And you're like, what are they saying? But yes, Janice, like that piece is about past and present. You know, we've had Brexit where the UK has cut itself off from the European Union. During the pandemic, there was sort of divisions between who got what vaccines and, you know, there was the EU and then England had some. So all of these different things, you know, connecting us, but also sort of dividing us, which I just really liked this piece. And when the Chilean artist Pilar Quinteros visited Focon to research her project, she learned about our history here as a fortress and as a port.

You've heard me talk before about how this was just a really big place for the military, especially during the World Wars. But we also have the White Cliffs. And the White Cliffs of Dover, our famous name recognition was. But Fokston is like right next to Dover and we have the same cliffs. and they are crumbling into the sea and are just so beautiful. And that's what really left the biggest impression on Pilar and inspired her to create Janice, which she described as a monument to uncertainty, a kind of ephemeral anti-monument. So most monuments are meant to be like

big and powerful and the idea is like, this is going to last forever. And hers from the very beginning was. No, this is going to last as long as the triennial is on, which was a few months. And Janus did melt away. He was helped along by some vandals, unfortunately, although I think there's like debate about whether this was like, could be incorporated to the artwork, like human destruction and all of that type of stuff. But regardless, by the time the triennial ended this month, Janus was a pile of white dust and plaster on the green grass. Lamentum worries, the Stoics would say, we are all going to end up like Janice and most of us live with that same duality of part of us is like pondering the future.

The other part is replaying the past. And what we're missing is this moment right here, the present moment. We're here, but not here. So how can you get more presence? What do you need to let go of right now that might be just keep replaying in your mind and playing in your mind? And it's really keeping you from doing what you need. need to do this week and moving on. So what has been weighing on your mind for a few days or longer?

Maybe it's something you're afraid of, maybe a friend upset you and you tried to make peace with it in your mind, but it keeps floating back. Whatever happened this week, journal it out, do a thought record like I talked about on the Manage Your Mind episode, feel the physical sensations in your body related to your emotion and write about those two. And ask yourself questions like, is this true and what is another way of looking at this? And you might have good reason to be upset. But also ask yourself how those feelings are serving you. Are they helping you or are they holding you back? Does anyone even know that you're upset or are you holding it all in? Is there a conversation that you need to have? And if the thought of having a difficult conversation gives you anxiety,

then ask yourself why. And I can totally relate to that. But ask yourself, but ask yourself, like what is the worst that can happen from this conversation and what is the best thing that can happen? As an enneagram 9, I hate conflict more than anything and I go into withdrawal mode if someone upsets me but I'm working on this end can say that after having a conversation that clears the air with somebody, any heaviness that may have been weighing on me just dissipates immediately. It feels so amazing. Of course, I still need to do my own mind management and understand that most things are not about me. I shouldn't take things personally. Most things are out of my control. But we can still have honest conversations with people about what we're

thinking and feeling. We can say what our preferences are, what our boundaries are. It doesn't mean that the other person's going to respect these. I hope that you have people in your life who will listen to you and who you can grow with when you have open conversations. That's not release the case. And we can't control most things. We can't control anyone else's internal life, but we can manage our own internal life to have healthier relationships. So if you're feeling distracted by a bad feeling or thoughts, do what you need to do to wipe the slate clean. Life is too short to hang on to that hurt. Okay, so you have cleared the decks. Your mind is feeling. more free, you're feeling light. Now let's think about what you have been putting off. What is

something that you wanted to do for a while? But there never seems a good day to start. I'm too tired. I'll start after the holidays, maybe when the kids are older, after my birthday, after my work trip next month, someday when I'm less busy. We all do this. We like to stay in our little routines because it's comfortable and our brain really enjoys the autopilot mode. talk about rewiring your brain more on a future episode, but for now, pick a date, pick a start date for whatever you want to do. Maybe this is something long term, like start a new business. Maybe you need to get your butt in a chair and sort out your finances. Maybe you want to take a vacation. Where are you going this year? Where do you want to go? When? Get it on the calendar.

Literally get it on the calendar. Find a coach, find a support group, but do what you need to do to get your priorities on the calendar and to take action. I'm doing the Fresh Start 21 cleanse again. You heard its creator, the Simple Green, the smoothies founder Jen Hansard on this podcast before. And I generally eat very healthy, but, you know, I was drinking black tea. I was having vegan treats now and again, sometimes pasta and sandwiches. And this cleanse that I'm on now is no sugar, no caffeine, no alcohol, no flour, which might sound like. really boring. And many people, I think probably all of us, felt really awful at the beginning as we were detoxing. I certainly did. But today on day eight, I feel like I'm floating around on a cloud. I'm

sleeping great. I love it. And I could eat this way all the time. But I paid to do this detox for accountability because beforehand, I did have thoughts in my mind of like, I'll start that cleanse tomorrow. And I also had thoughts in my mind like, oh, this is going to be hard even though I had done it before and just like our desires of pleasure-seeking mode of like, oh, I want that pizza. Like those desires are hard to kick. They've got a real grip on us. But now I'm golden. This is like the quality of life that I want. I have so much more energy. I'm sleeping really well. And I look back and I think, wow, why did I think this was going to be so hard? Some people in the group have fallen off the wagon a little bit. But that's fine. They didn't

quit, which is so easy to do. It's so easy to make. one mistake and say, I guess I wasn't cut out for this or I'll try it again next year. But in the words of Epicitas, even if we fail here and now, no one that stops us from competing again, we don't have to wait another four years for the next Olympics. And you don't need to wait for it next year or even tomorrow to do what you want to do. Dust yourself off and get back up today. Start today. I mentioned on that previous episode with Jen from Simple Green Smoothies that Seneca said that what we do is who we are. And creating good habits will help us become better people. Sometimes we have to will ourselves into doing the right thing until it feels like the only thing we want

to do. So you don't have to do a vegan cleanse if that is not your thing, but I would highly recommend it. But what are you putting off because it feels challenging? Get yourself. excited for the challenge, which is the only way you can really grow by challenging yourself. Seneca said he felt sorry for people who never faced adversity because they never knew what they were capable of. So show the world what you're made of. Show yourself what you're made of. And start now. Don't wait for tomorrow. Momentumori, you never know how many days you're going to get. As Epictetus said, how long are you going to wait before you demand the best for yourself? So what is your one thing that you want to focus on right now. And how does this align with your purpose and your values? That is what's going to

keep you going. That end scheduling what you want to achieve on the calendar. So get it on the calendar. All right. So you are feeling good and have a purpose and a plan for the future. But you know life happens and you can't always be doing what you want. So how are you going to show up during these times? My background is in communications and writing and I still do consulting work in this area. and usually this means strategy, copywriting, coaching, but the other day I volunteered to help someone dealing with a family emergency and I found myself really deep into project management on something that was due that night. And the skill set for project managers is the complete opposite of writers and like what my background is. And at first I was deer in headlights. Like all of these

different brochures needed amendments and approvals and the clock was ticking and emails are flying and with like 20 people copied on them and everybody's chiming in. And it really felt like a tornado. And for a moment, I thought, it's Friday night. And there are so many things that I would love to be doing right now. And is this the best use of my time? And is this what I want to be doing with my life? And then I took like a really quick mini break and had one of those moments where you find the exact words that you need like at the right moment. And it was a quote from Epic Titus and Corridian 17. but I want to share Gray Friedman's interpretation of this quote from his little book, Practical Stoicism, Fate has chosen a role for you. It is the role you feel right now.

It is comprised of all your weaknesses, strengths, wisdom, and ignorance. It includes the responsibilities you have accrued up to now and all the debts owed to you were by you. The entire chain of causality back to the beginning of time has conspired to place you into the role you fill at this moment in time. What will you do now? The correct answer is, my job, as best I can. It is irrelevant how ill-prepared you feel you might be for the challenges you face. It simply doesn't matter if you don't want the role you find yourself playing. That's the one you have. You can fill that role well or you can do so poorly, but you will fill it regardless. End quote. So I love what he wrote there because it's about showing up with dignity and honor in whatever you do,

courage, wisdom, self-control, justice. This is where I am right now, and I will do it to the best of my ability. So if the plane is running late, I'm going to be the best passenger that I can be right now. I'm doing a job that I don't like. I'm still going to show up. I'm doing a cashier and I have dreams of being like a manager owning my own business. I'm still going to show up as the best cashier that I can be. Like that is my role in this moment. after I read that Epic Titus quote, something really shifted in me and I thought, this is where I am right now. I am going to be the best project manager because that is what's needed of me right now. And I got into this flow and my emails to people were more lighthearted and we were just cruising and we made the deadline and it felt really good. So we all have a purpose. We have goals. We have plans and we're going for them. But wherever we are, whatever role we're filling, our purpose in that moment is to show up as our best selves. to be purposeful, because character is what it's all about, living with Arate, living with excellence, and living in the here and now. So at the beginning of your day, when you are reviewing what you

need to do and pondering what obstacles might come up, also consider what is required of me today, and how can I bring my best? As a sculpture of Janus, the Roman god disintegrated, the inside of the head revealed a giant black skull. The triennial ended on November 2nd, the day of the dead, and they closed the festivities by wheeling the skull through the streets in a procession, along with dancers and a brass band. So the statue wound its way down from the east cliff and met us at the bottom of the old high street, which is this really cute street with all these charming independent shops. And so the band goes by and the dancers and the skull, and we all join in and follow them up the street and around the bend to the park and the Christmas lights

went on as we are marching on our way. And it felt like one big community. And it was just such a wonderful thing to be a part of. And so I just want to end with a quote from Seneca from letter 79. As it is with the play, so it is with life. What matters is not how long the acting lasts, but how good it is. Do you ever go blank or start rambling when someone puts you on the spot? I created a free conversation sheet sheet with simple formulas that you can use so you can respond with clarity, whether you're in a meeting or just talking with friends. Download it at sarah mycatel.com slash blank no more.