Stoic Wellbeing - How to Calm Your Anger Using the Enneagram & Stoicism

Episode Date: December 18, 2021

It does not take much to make some people angry. We live in a society where people are quick to take offense. To feel victimized. To be enraged at people with opposing views. Political leaders and certain media outlets stir the pot for their own benefit. In my episode on Stoicism and the Art of Happiness, Donald Robertson offered some techniques we can use to manage our anger toward people who hold views that we strongly disagree with.Today I want to talk to you about becoming more aware of your anger style based on your Enneagram type, and to share more practices you can use to conquer your anger and also to learn from it. And you might learn about your partner or parent’s anger style, as well. Because we don’t all experience anger in the same way. Some rage while others think they never get angry. But anger is a human emotion that we all experience, and how we experience it depends on several factors, including our Enneagram type, level of mental and emotional wellbeing, and our personal development work.You'll learn...what makes each Enneagram type mad and how they express thisStoic techniques any Enneagram type can use to conquer their angerHello! I'm your host, Sarah Mikutel. But the real question is, who are you? Where are you now and where do you want to be? Can I help you get there?Visit sarahmikutel.com to learn how we can work together to help you achieve more peace, happiness, and positive transformation in your life.Book your Enneagram typing session by going to sarahmikutel.com/typingsessionDo you ever go blank or start rambling when someone puts you on the spot? I created a free Conversation Cheat Sheet with simple formulas you can use so you can respond with clarity, whether you’re in a meeting or just talking with friends.Download it at sarahmikutel.com/blanknomore and start feeling more confident in your conversations today.

Recently, I watched somebody I know scream out their television when an ad came on featuring a celebrity. And he was just going on like, why aren't they giving average people the opportunity to be in commercials? Celebrities have enough money. And he was just getting properly mad about this. And I said, is this worth ruining your day over? Is this worth having a heart attack over? Do you have any control over this advert? He kind of laughed and calm down a bit because we had been talking about stoicism that week. So he knew that I was referring to that core stoic principle. Some things are up to us and other things are not. And we just have to let go of the things that are beyond our control. It does not take much to make some people angry. We live in a society where people are quick to take offense, quick to feel victimized. quick to get mad over the littlest thing that has nothing to do with them. To be enraged with people with opposing views and political leaders and certain media outlets

really stir the pot for their own benefit when it comes to stoking people's anger. In my episode on stoicism and the art of happiness, Donald Robertson offered some techniques, some stoic techniques that we can use to manage our anger toward people who hold views that are very opposed to the ones that we hold for ourselves. And today I want to talk to you about becoming more aware of your anger style and to share more practices that you can use to conquer your anger and also to learn from it. And you might learn about your partner or your parents' anger style or your friends as well. Because we don't all experience anger in the same way. Some people think they never get angry. But anger is a human emotion that we all experience, whether we

realize it or not. And how we experience it depends on several factors, including our enneagram type, our level of mental and emotional well-being, our personal development work. So how long have we been working on ourselves? So let's dive into anger by anagram type. First, let me talk to you about something that's really fundamental to the anagram. And that is that we have three centers of intelligence. So not just our head, but also our heart and our body. So enneagram types 2, 3, and 4, they are in what we call the heart triad. Enneagram types 5, 6, and 7 are in the head triad. And enneagram types 8, 9, and 1 are in the body triad. We all have all three of these centers of intelligence, but one is dominant and this is how you experience the world. Head thinking, heart feeling, body doing. And each of these three triads has a core

emotion tied to it. For head types, it's fear. For heart types, it's shame. And for body types, it's anger. So I'm going to start out focusing on talking about how the enegram types in the body triad or body center experience anger. So types eight, nine, and one. And again, we have all three of these centers of intelligence. We tend to lean toward one. one based on our type. And the aneogram helps us find balance between all of these centers. So type eight, anger in the average type eight is obvious and impulsive. They are not holding back. When they get mad, it's external. You can see it. You can feel it. It's a big energy. You know when they're mad and they know when they're mad. And so they've got a high level awareness of their anger.

And this toughness goes back to their core belief that they have to put on. a tough front so that people don't take advantage of them or try to control them. They do not want to show vulnerability. They want to be in charge. And so for them, anger feels quite natural to them. Just get out of their way and don't try to boss them. Type nine. So nines are the most out of touch with their anger of any of the types on the anyagram. And anger tends to show up as us being passive aggressive, I say else because I'm a nine. So passive aggressive or stubborn. So if you try to push them into doing something without their consent, anger can show up. And again, maybe in a passive, aggressive way. So nines are very happy to go with the flow and make everybody else happy so they can

keep the peace. But if you try to force them to do things without first getting their buy-in or just giving them the opportunity to say yes, you'll probably get some resistance and some anger there. And sometimes if they are pushed too far or you catch them on a particularly bad moment, they can really let loose on you which surprises people who are used to seeing nines as being super chill. And so they don't show anger for the longest time and then it can flare up. And this goes back to the nine's core belief that to keep the peace, they should avoid conflict and rocking the boat. So they don't really like feeling or acknowledging anger. And I know for myself, yeah, I definitely was one of those people who, if you had asked me a few years ago, tell me a time when you got angry, I'd be like, oh, I never get angry. Who me? No, because I do love that feeling of peace. But if I like look back on certain things, there's definitely, and even today, because we're all like works and progress, right? There's, I can definitely see passive aggressiveness coming up. I'm much more capable now of expressing like what I want to do and saying no. But, but. But those things can still come up.

But I'll give you an example of a recent time where anger showed up for me. So I broke my arm a few weeks ago. And I needed to mail a package. And so I mailed, so I'm in this sling and carry this box that was open to the post office. And I needed some help taping the box shut. And I didn't have any tape. So anyway, I'm at the post office. and I asked if I could please have a piece of tape. And the lady there said, we don't have any tape.

And really cold. She can see that I'm in a sling. And I was just thinking, this is a post office. I know that you have tape here. Why are you being like this? Why won't you help me out and just give me a little piece of tape? And I'm not the type to yell at other people, but I could feel like just the anger sort of. rising in my body and my face just got red and heated and like hot. Like I could feel, I could feel the heat simmering off of me. And I can't even remember what I said, but it was definitely, it could be felt that I was upset and thinking this was an unjust situation. And I think I just said something very banal. Like, so you don't have any tape here. Well, do you have any suggestions of where I should go? Maybe, yeah, so it's kind of passive aggressive, right? And the lady's like, nope. And I was just kind of like enraged because not only was she being unjust to me, but I'm sure to other people as well. So I left there feeling like very hot and bothered with

my package that I had to walk around town with one arm to figure out what I could do. But not long after I walked out that door, I was thinking, well, I got way too upset over this situation over this little piece of tape. And so I calmed myself down. I just wanted to give you an example of what that could look like. So you might be wondering if type nines like myself are conflict avoidant and we don't really like being angry and we try to avoid it and often don't even realize that it's like part of our lives. How are we in the triad whose core emotion is anger? And in these triads, one type tends to over-express their core emotion. One is out of touch with it, and then one suppresses it.

So in the body center, eights over-express their anger. Nines are the most out-of-touch with it. And ones suppress their anger. So let's talk about type one. So the core emotion of type one in general, because remember, we all have our own, like, passion or core emotion each type. For one, it's anger and resentment. And the core belief here is that ones know the right way to do things.

They feel it's their duty to fix things that are not being done correctly. So they really want to do good in the world. Like they see what's wrong and like having their mind about the way things should be. And so they really want to fix things. So their heart is in the right place, even though people often do. don't recognize that, but ones get mad when, especially when they mess up themselves, their inner critic is so loud. They also get mad when other people mess up who should be doing things one way, but are not according to the one. And the ones try to suppress this anger. So they don't want

to express it usually as loud as the eight does, but people can often read it in their body language or read it in their faces that they're upset. And sometimes the one will just explode in anger as well, especially when they're unhealthy. Now, I mentioned in the first episode on the Enneagram that each Enneagram type has three subtypes. And so anger awareness level for each type can vary depending on this subtype. In general, eights, nines and ones, the body type, tend to get angry when they see injustice. So what happened to me at the post office? And when they feel like people are trying to control them, but it's expressed in different ways. So, So I mentioned the eight might explode, nine might be passive aggressive.

Like we'll say we'll do something if people are pushing us. But then when we're going along for the ride, just kind of be a little bit sullen. And the ones will try to suppress their anger. And now onto the other enneagram types. So type two, twos are generally good-natured. Anger comes up for them when their needs are not being met. So maybe they've overextended themselves in giving to others. and they're not getting anything in return.

Nobody is reciprocating all of these nice things that they're doing for other people and they're just burned out. And so anger can flare up then. Type three, threes don't show that much outward anger either. They're very image conscious and don't want to seem like anything is wrong. They're more likely to get irritated if somebody is getting in the way, slowing down their progress. Type fours are a lot more in touch with their emotional. emotions, including anger, but their expression of anger, as I mentioned before, depends on the

subtype. So the one-to-one-four, also known as the sexual four, can become extremely outwardly angry. When they're suffering, they want to make other people suffer as well. They don't want to be in it by themselves. And for fours, anger shows up when they feel like they're being ignored, or like everybody else has it so much easier than they do. And, and they're are the only one suffering that can be what it feels like for them. Type fives are not outwardly expressive with their emotions. They think they're in open books sometimes, but others can't read them. And they often need time to process their emotions.

So they'll just go away in private and process their emotions. When they do get angry, it's usually because somebody has violated their time and attention. So fives like to be in control of their schedule so they can have the private and the space they need to recharge. So if they have like a whole day planned of things they want to do and then somebody randomly like pops, somebody randomly pops over to their house and wants to like hang out for three hours, that can really throw them off. In type six, anger comes up when their security is threatened and trust is broken. So they do not like it. It makes them mad when people are not dependable and they break promises. This doesn't make them feel safe and it breaks trust

with the other person if they feel like they can't count on them. Here again, awareness and expression of anger depends a lot on the subtype. So the one-to-one slash sexual six, they are a lot more confrontational and outwardly angry. Type seven, our sunny type sevens, do not spend that much time sitting in anger. They don't like to sit in any bad emotion for long, average type sevens. They'll address it, they'll address the problem, maybe with a joke, and then move on. So anger shows up for them when people are trying to limit their freedom, forcing them into routines and commitments that they don't want to do. So that is an overview of how the nine types experience anger, which the Stoics call a temporary madness. Seneca wrote a whole book on this called

On Anger, where he gives his therapies on how to manage anger. Marcus Aurelius talks a lot about using empathy to overcome anger and more on that in a moment. Anger is an energy that we don't want to hang on to. We don't want to ruminate forever on things that make us upset and to explode on other people. But anger is an emotion that can give us some important information about ourselves and what is going on in our lives. So instead of suppressing our anger, we should explore it. And that is something that both the stoics say, and it's also what we do through aneogram work. So let's talk about some techniques to calm anger that any eneagram type can use. Step one, recognize your anger triggers. So think about what makes you angry. And think about the patterns of your aneogram type.

So everything that I just mentioned, do you recognize certain times in those situations when anger has come up for you. More generally, are there situations that you have to face that you know usually wind you up? Maybe during the holidays, there's an uncle who always likes to wind you up about your political views. How can you prepare for that in advance? You know it's coming up. How do you want that conversation to go? Do you want anger to control you and take over your power? Or do you want to show up as your higher self and just remain calm in the situation. So anticipate what makes you angry and ask, is there a way to manage this situation differently? Step two, notice what's happening in your body.

We often can't plan our anger moments, right? I mean, we can, for like, certain moments in the Stoics say every morning we should think about possible things that could go wrong and how we can mitigate those. But often something happens and anger just comes up. suddenly. So what do we do when it sneaks up on you? Well, pay attention to what's happening in your body when you're angry. What are you physically feeling? Is it blood rushing to your face? Remember in the post office I said, I could feel like my face just getting really hot. Are you getting a faster heartbeat? I'm trained in the narrative enneagram and this teaches us to

notice, pause, and allow. So when you are feeling that anger rising, Notice it. Pause. Breathe in and down. Allow it to be. And don't try to suppress your feelings. We're just allowing them to be. The narrative enneagram tradition encompasses these three things for transformation and integration, spirituality, psychology, and semantic work. So what is semantic before I started studying the enigram? I had never heard this word. But Semitic, just refers to our body, our energy. We can read about well-being. We can go on spiritual retreats. We can listen to podcasts. But change doesn't happen for us just by like consuming on that sort of mental level. We need to integrate all three of our intelligence centers, mind, body, spirit. If you are an enneagram type who doesn't recognize anger in your life, then Semitic work.

is transformational. It's definitely been so helpful for me. When you become aware of what your body is trying to tell you, listening to your body, other things are going to start to click. You are going to realize when you're taking on too much, if you're being pushed in a direction that you don't want to go, you will have more clarity about what you actually want and don't want, because your body is telling you if you just listen to these clues. So you have all of the information. that you need, we just need to bring it to the surface and start incorporating all three of our centers of intelligence. All right, step three, cultivate your inner observer. So I just mentioned that we experience everything through our body and paying attention to this helps us cultivate our

inner observer. And the Stoics understood the importance of this calmly observing rather than immediately reacting. So detach yourself from this angry feeling in your body and get curious about it. Observe what's going on inside of yourself as if you're studying somebody else. So try to give yourself some separation here and just think about what's the root of the anger, where is it coming from? What stories is it bringing up? And this is what we mean by cultivating your inner observer. There's stuff going on in your body and you're just listening and recognizing. You're not repressing or resisting negative emotions. You're just sitting with it. Breathing in and down. Pause, notice, allow, not judging yourself. You're just taking in information.

Step four, ask, is this in your control or not? So Epictetus advises to calm down so that you can approach the situation with more equanimity. So once you're feeling more emotionally balanced, think about what your anger taught you. What was that information that you just gleaned from what you were observing? Is there something that you need to address? Or is it time to bless and release what you are angry about? When you act on your anger, how does that usually turn out for you? Is your anger serving you or is it keeping you stuck? And of course, Epictetus would say, some things are in our control and others are not. And if we have no control over a situation, we have to let the anger go, especially when it comes to wishing we could change the past.

So calmly reflect on what your anger was telling you and then choose your next step. What do you want your next step to be? There are people who argue that we need anger to rally people to a cause and to fight injustice. But the Stoics would say that, yes, we do need to be active in our communities and we do need to work to make the world more peaceful and just place. But that this should come from a place of love. Love should be what is fueling us. We're fighting for justice out of love. In the words of Martin Luther King Jr., darkness cannot drive out darkness. Only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate. Only love can do that. Now, here is the truth. something that might blow your mind, it's widely believed that both Martin Luther King and Donald Trump

are both enneagram eights. Now, how is this possible? They seem very, very different. But remember what I said at the beginning about types looking very different because of levels of emotional and mental health, self-awareness, there's subtype. It's thought that Martin Luther King was a social eight, meaning he was a protector standing up for those who needed it. Trump is thought to be a one-to-one or sexual eight, and they tend to be more vengeful and combative when they're unhealthy. The Enneagram is such a beautiful and dynamic system. So you can see how two people of the same type can be very, very different in reality

and be driven by different instincts. And if you're feeling like you would like some help getting clarity on what your type is and navigating all of this, then get in touch. I would love to help guide you through an enneagram typing session for you. A few more stoic ideas before we go. In the meditations, Marcus Aurelius wrote a list of 10 ways to overcome anger. And I'll summarize some of them here. But as I said before, for him it was all about empathy and coming from a place of love and understanding and assuming positive intent. So I'll paraphrase some of Marcus's ideas here. Don't assume that you know what people are thinking or why they are doing

what they're doing. Assume positive intent. Stop being so quick to be offended. When people are angry, kill them with kindness. In their minds, people think what they're doing is right. So don't assume they're acting in a certain way just to hurt you. They might be misinformed. They might be brainwashed, they might be in a really unhealthy place. Remember when you've done wrong. None of us are perfect, right? Think big picture and keep things in perspective. Is this going to matter a year from now? If not, let's let go of this anger and save ourselves months of anguish. Our negative emotions about an incident hurt us more than the thing that originally upset us, so the hanging on. As Epictetus said, it's not things that upset us but are judgments about things. And then don't be surprised when you meet

grumpy, angry people. Prepare for it. So Marcus was not delusional about the fact that there's a lot of grumpy and angry people out there, but it's not going to help them or us if we match their grumpiness and their anger. We should show up with empathy and compassion, not just for them, but also for us. We will live better lives ourselves, more calm and peaceful lives if we can keep those calm feelings and not let anger overcome us. It's for our own well-being as much as for others. We need to take care of ourselves as much as we're taking care of other people. All right, I hope that you've come away with this episode with some actionable takeaways that you can implement today to start living a more peaceful and compassionate life. And as I mentioned, if you are,

interested in booking in any gram typing session with me, or if you want to chat about how I can help you in your own transformation journey, then visit me at sarahigatel.com or message me on Instagram at Sarah Migatel. That's all for now. Thanks so much for listening. And have a beautiful week wherever you are. Do you ever go blank or start rambling when someone puts you on the spot? I created a free conversation sheet sheet with simple formulas that you can use so you can respond with clarity, whether you're in a meeting or just talking with friends. Download it at sarahmicatel.com slash blank no more.