Stoic Wellbeing - How to Talk to People Who Drive You Crazy: 5 Stoic Practices

Episode Date: December 4, 2022

Chances are this holiday season you'll have to talk to at least one person who drives you bananas. But what if this doesn't have to stress you out? What if you could have a good conversation? What if this could be your least angst-filled holiday yet? It can be!Here are five ancient Stoic techniques (backed up by modern psychology) to manage your anger and anxiety when talking to people you think are difficult. sarahmikutel.comDo you ever go blank or start rambling when someone puts you on the spot? I created a free Conversation Cheat Sheet with simple formulas you can use so you can respond with clarity, whether you’re in a meeting or just talking with friends.Download it at sarahmikutel.com/blanknomore and start feeling more confident in your conversations today.

A lot of us say that we want more meaning in our lives to be part of something greater than ourselves, to feel more connected to other people in the universe. This begins with becoming more connected with who we are and more self-aware of what's unconsciously motivating us. Welcome to Stoic Wellbeing. I'm your host to Sarah Megatel, an American in England who uses stoicism and other techniques to help my coaching clients become more present, productive, and open-hearted. I am here to help you to visit Stoicwellbeing.com to learn more. In a few weeks, one of my friends is doing a silent retreat. I imagine her all cozied up in a cabin with a book and a blazing fire.

We're hiking through a quiet pasture as the falling snow melts into her jacket. Just the bird singing stillness. Everyone else I know will be driving or flying to see friends and family for the holidays. So the complete opposite of a silent retreat. You might be really excited to be spending so much time with other people, really anxious, both. holidays can feel overwhelming, especially if you're spending time with people who you completely disagree with, who exasperate you, who stress you out. But what if it doesn't have to be that way? What if this could be your least stressful holiday gathering yet? Well, it can be. Here are five ancient stoic techniques backed up by modern psychology that you can use to manage your anger and anxiety this holiday season.

It doesn't mean your holiday is going to be perfect, but these practices can help you achieve more inner calm. Number one, don't be surprised. Who is the person who winds you up the most during the holidays? Expects that they are going to be exactly the same way this year. The Stoic said that nothing should surprise us, yet we still act shocked when the expected happens. You know you're going to hear politics you disagree with, a bad joke, an intrusive question, mentally accept that this is coming and respond with mindfulness instead of reacting out of emotion. Marcus Aurelius said, To expect bad people not to injure others is crazy. It's to ask the impossible. And to let them behave like that to other people

but expect them to exempt you is arrogant. And that's from the Gregory Hayes translation. To define your outcome, let's say that you hate your uncle's politics and you know he's going to bring up the last election. What is the outcome that you want to have with your interaction with your uncle? Is it to make him feel bad?

Is it to make him feel loved? Is it to convince him that you are right? right? What is the outcome? Three, plan how you want this conversation to go. Imagine exactly how you think your talk will go with your uncle from beginning to end. Bring in all your senses. Where are you in the house? What foods are you smelling? What is he saying? How are you responding? Some people call this manifesting. The stoics called it preparedness or premeditation of adversity, mentally preparing for what obstacles could come up and how you can manage them. Elite athletes do this, well when it comes to performance. They visualize what could come up, how they'll work around that,

so they can perform at their best. No surprises. If your desired outcome is to influence your uncle, you are not going to win him over by yelling at him or telling him that he's wrong. He will only dig in his heels. And you have probably done this too when people have tried to convince you that they were right and you were wrong. Instead, listen to him, genuinely listen and try to imagine where he's coming from. Why would he be saying what he's saying? And then ask him, get curious, If he says something that you think is insane, ask him to talk out his thought process. Tell me more about that. Oh, really? Why do you think that? What's been your experience with that? We all want to listen to you. And by asking questions, we gain insight into the other person's perspective and get

closer to find a common ground. In his book Think Again, Adam Grant says, when we point out that there are areas where we agree and acknowledge that they have some valid points, we model confident humility and encourage them to follow suit. When we support our argument with a small number of cohesive, compelling reasons, we encourage them to start doubting their own opinion. And when we ask genuine questions, we leave them intrigued to learn more. We don't have to convince them that we're right. We just need to open their minds to the possibility that they might be wrong. Their natural curiosity might do the rest. And if that fails, Adam likes to ask the question, what evidence would change your mind. In addition to imagining how things could go wrong with your

uncle, imagine how things could go well. Four, regulate your emotions. You already know that you're going to be in a situation that triggers feelings like anger and anxiety. How do these emotions show up in you? What is your body language? What sensations do you feel? Don't repress or resist these emotions. Just label them and be with them. Observe what's going on inside yourself as if you're studying somebody else. What's the root of this anger? Where is it coming from? What am I making it mean? As Epictetus says, it's not the thing that happened that upset you, but your opinion about it. It's what you're making it mean. Okay, you've recognized your anger and anxiety triggers. You know what's happening in your body. You've cultivated your inner observer. When you're ready

to let go, a nice way to release heavy feelings is by taking a deep belly breath in through the nose, back out through the nose. In on one, out on two. One, two. And step five, ask, is this in my control or not? Epic Tida said, most things are not up to us. You can have the goal to have a positive conversation with your uncle.

You can train for it. But in the end, you do not have control of his mind or anyone else's mind. Here is what you do have control of. how you think and how you show up in this world, how you respond to situations, your character. So what kind of energy do you want to bring to this world? Do you want to slam people down? Or do you want to open them up? Taking the high road is not always easy, but it is the right thing to do. And bonus step, remember that we are all human beings flawed in this world together. None of us are getting it right all the time. The Stoic Emperor Marcus Aurelius lived in times of crisis his entire reign, and when people made him angry, he gave himself these reminders.

He said to remember, and I'm quoting now, that we came into the world for the sake of one another. Remember their human beings. Think about what they're like eating in bed, how driven they are by their beliefs, how proud they are of what they do. Remember that if they are right, then you have no right to complain. And if they aren't, then what they're doing is involuntary out of ignorance, which is why they resent being called unjust or arrogant or greedy, any suggestion that they aren't good neighbors. Remember that you've made enough mistakes yourself. You are just like them. Even if there are some that you've avoided, you have the potential, even if cowardice has kept you from them, or fear of what people would say or some equally bad reason.

You have to know an awful lot before you can judge another person's actions with real understanding. When you lose your temper or even feel irritated, remember that human life is very short. Before long, all of us will be laid out side by side. Remember that it's not what they do that bothers us. That's a problem for their minds, not ours. It's our own misperceptions. Discard them. Be willing to give up thinking of this as a catastrophe and your anger is gone.

How do you do that? By recognizing that you've suffered no disgrace. Remember how much more damage anger and grief do than the things that cause them. Remember that kindness is invincible, provided it sincere, not ironic or an act. What can even the most vicious person do if you keep treating him with kindness and gently set him straight? If you get the chance correcting him cheerfully at the exact moment that you're not that you're that he's trying to do you harm. No, no, my friend, that isn't what we're here for.

It isn't me who's harmed by that. It's you. And show him gently and without pointing fingers that it is so. That bees do not behave like this or any other animals with a sense of community. Don't do it sardonically or meanly, but affectionately, with no hatred in your heart. And not to impress third parties, but speaking directly, even if there are other people around. And remember that to expect, bad people not to injure others is crazy. It's to ask the impossible. And to let them behave like

that to other people, but expect them to exempt you is arrogant. End quote. And that is the Gregory Hay's translation of the meditations. And that was Marcus's private journal, which you probably know if you've been listening to this podcast for a while. And it's believed that Marcus wrote the meditations while he was at war. He was there on the northern frontier where enemies were invading and killing his men, he was not home in a cozy palace. He was living a very rough life, and it's understandable why he would be angry. And these stoic meditations that he was writing to himself were helping him manage his mind. None of us are perfect. We all think that we are right in our minds, but sometimes we're wrong and we're misinformed. We're not purposely out to get anyone,

but we have all hurt somebody's feelings. So how can we do better? A lot of the research that Adam Grant has done backs up what the Stoics are saying and what Marcus just said. In addition to being an author, Adam is also a professor of organizational psychology at Wharton, that's at the University of Pennsylvania. And he says, quote, being reasonable literally means that we can be reasoned with. And we're open to evolving our views in light of logic and data. We don't have much luck changing other people's minds if we refuse to change ours. We can demonstrate openness by acknowledging where we agree with our critics and even what we've learned from them. Then when we ask what views they might be willing to revise, we're not hypocrites.

End quote. And again, that was from Think Again. Are you open to evolving your views in light of logic and data? Or even in light of hearing somebody else's point of view, open to finding at least one good thing about the other person that you can focus on? How do you want to feel this holiday season? anxious or open-hearted. And what's something you learn today that you can put into practice when you get out there? Share this idea with someone else. It will help it stick in your memory

so you can remember to take action and practice this on a regular basis. Okay, I am wishing you lots of peace and love this week, wherever you are, whoever you're with. Do you ever go blank or start rambling when someone puts you on the spot? I created a free conversation sheet sheet with simple formulas that you can use

so you can respond with clarity, whether you're in a meeting or just talking with friends. Download it at sarahmicatel.com slash blank no more.