Stoic Wellbeing - Jantelagen: What a Swedish Flatmate Taught Me about Fitting In versus Standing Out

Episode Date: March 15, 2026

There's an unwritten rule in Swedish culture called the Law of Jante: Don't think you're special. Don't stand out. Blend in. It’s the opposite of American individualism – and both sides have a shadow. In this episode, I explore what a Swedish flatmate, living in Italy, and years of coaching have taught me about fitting in versus standing out, and why it matters for anyone working across cultures.Read the article.***I’m your host, Sarah Mikutel, a communication and mindset coach. My work is about helping people like you share your voice, strengthen your relationships, and have more fun.As an American expat living in the U.K., I value curiosity, courage, and joy. A few things I love: wandering European streets in search of the best vegetarian meal, practicing Italian, and helping my clients design lives that feel rich and meaningful.If you want to become a more calm, confident communicator at work and in your personal life – let’s talk.Do you ever go blank or start rambling when someone puts you on the spot? I created a free Conversation Cheat Sheet with simple formulas you can use so you can respond with clarity, whether you’re in a meeting or just talking with friends.Download it at sarahmikutel.com/blanknomore and start feeling more confident in your conversations today.

Years ago, I was living with the Swedish flatmate in London. We had gotten into one of those long kitchen table conversations about culture. The kindlet changes how you see things. I had been telling him about how drawn I was to the Nordic way of life, the sense of community, the idea that people took care of one another, looked out for one another, not just themselves, they weren't rugged individualists, like where I was from. Sweden even has this tradition. called Cozy Fridays. I'm not going to try to say the Swedish name for this. And Cozy Fridays is where

they stay in with friends and family and they watch films and eat tacos. Swedes love their text mix. And I'm romanticizing this, I know, but I really liked that community aspect. And as somebody who has always been drawn to the It Takes a Village philosophy, and maybe that's the harmony-seeking Enneagram 9 in me, I love the idea of we over I. Then he said something I hadn't expected. It could also be suffocating, he said. You aren't really encouraged to be an individual. There is enormous pressure to conform,

and if you stand out, if you seem too ambitious or too different, people will let you know. He told me one of the reasons he left Sweden is because he wanted to explore to pursue a creative career, to say what was on his mind. That conversation stuck with me because it captured something I think about constantly, both personally and in my work as a coach. Our greatest strength can also be our biggest weakness as individuals and as wider cultures. In Nordic culture, there is an unwritten social code, although I think it was written in a novel, called Yantelagin, and this is the law of Yantelagin. And this is the law of Yantan.

And it's a set of rules that essentially say, don't think you're special, don't talk about your achievements, don't flaunt your goals or dreams. Above all, don't get the idea that you are better than anyone else. You need to blend in. In Australia, a similar concept goes by a different name, Tall Poppy Syndrome, and that's if you stand too tall, then we are just going to cut you down. And the roots run deep in Sweden. This was a historically rural society of small. all independent farmers. It wasn't huge serfdoms like in other areas of Europe. And these farmers depended on cooperation to survive. So disrupting group cohesion wasn't just rude. It was dangerous. The Lutheran church also reinforced this idea with its emphasis on humility. So pride is a sin. The collective matters

more than the individual. And in more recent decades, Sweden's social system has formalized these values through high taxes, to create more of a balanced playing field, to offer more of a support system for everyone. They tend toward collaborative decision making and have an ethos of equality. That sounds warm and fuzzy, but Swedish culture also says, who do you think you are? And they mean that as a warning. Although today many Swedes, especially younger, more entrepreneurial ones, like my former flatmate, they are pushing back a bit. They value openness and create. and self-expression. And there's even a running joke that the reason Scandinavians drink so much is that that's the only time they feel that they are free to say what's on their mind. And they can

just blame it on alcohol later if they have to. And more and more people are saying, actually, that's not how we want to live anymore. The way I see it, there are genuinely honorable values at the heart of Yante, equality, humility, a commitment to the common good, but they're wrapped in norms that many people experience as limiting rather than liberating. American culture asks a different question. It's not who do you think you are, but who do you want to be? And this difference makes sense when you consider our origin story. The people who went to America, at least from Europe, were by definition risk takers. They were people willing to break from their communities, cross an ocean, start over. Our founders studied. Our founders studied.

Enlightenment philosophers who wrote about individual liberty. The frontier rewarded self-reliance. Every generation new immigrants come with the belief that you can build a better life than the one you were born into. We celebrate victories in America. We cheer people on when they get a promotion or win a race. The American Dream is fundamentally a story about the individual. But of course it's not so simple.

The pilgrims survived their first winter. by working as a collective, so there was some yante there. Social media will remind you that there are plenty of Americans who are jealous of other people's success and eager to tear down anyone who stands out too much. And then we have the flip side of celebrating the individual, which is leaving the individual to fend for him or herself. Our safety net is very thin compared to Europe's, and there are politicians trying to change this and grassroots organizations trying to change this.

which I think is amazing. But as it stands, the income inequality in the United States has never been greater. The wealthiest 1% of Americans now hold the same amount of wealth as the bottom 90%. So the top 1% have almost as much wealth as everybody else in the country combined practically. So the can-do spirit is real and opportunity is real and many people do succeed. But it's not an equal, opportunity for everyone. It's not an equal playing field by any stretch. Some people, they might be on another planet. They came from generational wealth. They had great mentors, Ivy League networking. Meanwhile, other people are told to pick themselves up by their bootstraps and just hustle. If I could design my own ideal society, I would blend Sweden's care for the collective with

America's belief that things are possible. realized this when I moved to Reggio Emilia in Italy in 2010. And Reggio Emilia is a charming town where you can enjoy an apparel spritz or a prosceco in a gorgeous piazza as the sunsets. I really loved living there. I had come over from New York City and the locals couldn't believe that I wanted to live in this Italian town. Are you crazy? They would say, why would you leave New York city to come here. There is nothing here. Can I please trade places with you? And what struck me was the stuckness that they felt. And I had this conversation many times. The people I talked to felt like they could never leave their job or where they lived because what if they couldn't find another one?

The future truly felt hopeless to a lot of them. And it was then that I realized something about myself. I was more American than I had thought. I had inherited something. from my Sicilian and Polish and Ukrainian and Lithuanian ancestors. These are the people who cross the ocean to start again. I believed, and I believe, that the future is full of possibilities, that while many things are out of my control, I can influence the kind of life that I want to live, that if I want to try for something, that I should roll up my sleeves and get on with it and do it.

And I like that about myself. And I like that about my home country, that this is part of our culture. As a coach and a practicing Stoic, perspective taking is at the heart of what I do. The Stoics would say, take off your blinders, see the situation from every side before you respond.

And this skill prevents so much heartache and misunderstanding at home and at work. And this is especially true for anyone managing global teams or working with people from different cultural backgrounds. I just read a fantastic book called The Culture Map, and I think this is what sparked my memory of my Swedish flatmate, and it just has me thinking about culture in so many different ways, so I will have future episodes on what I read in that book. But sticking with Sweden for a minute, when a Swedish colleague seems reluctant to share his accomplishments, he may not lack confidence.

He might be following a deeply ingrained cultural. script. When an American colleague shares a wind she's proud of, she might not be arrogant, she's doing what her culture taught her to do. When an Italian colleague seems resistant to change, he might not be lazy, he might be fearful of the future because his culture prized stability. So we can assume positive intent and then have conversations. And once we talk to people and have a better understanding of where they're coming from, you can decide. how to move forward together. We don't get to choose the culture we grow up in, but we can choose how we show up now.

We can choose to live according to our values, no matter where we are in the world. And we can choose to extend curiosity to the people around us, to learn their history, to understand their culture, and to see them as individuals shaped by forces much bigger than any single decision. My flatmate in London taught me that what looks like a blessing from the outside can feel like a cage from the inside. Reggio Amelia taught me that the spirit I had taken for granted, the belief that I can try for things, that was a gift worth holding on to. And years of coaching have taught me that we are influenced not just by our families, but by our broader cultures. And at the heart of it all, we also have to work with our natural temperament, how we were wired when we were brought into this world.

We've got strengths, we've got weaknesses, we have clarity on some things, and we also have blind spots. And what we can do is keep what is working for us and then look outside ourselves for inspiration on the things that we want to change. I'll leave you with this. Swedish culture asks, who do you think you are? American culture asks, who do you want to be? Maybe the wisest question is a third one. Who are we together? That's all for now.

I'm your host, Sarah Mikital, a writer, podcaster, and coach over here in England. Thank you so much for listening and have a beautiful week wherever you are. Do you ever go blank or start rambling when someone puts you on the spot? I created a free conversation sheet sheet with simple formulas that you can use so you can respond with clarity, whether you're in a meeting or just talking with friends. Download it at sarahygotele.com slash blank no more.