Stoic Wellbeing - When You Think People Are Judging You

Episode Date: May 21, 2023

Have you ever noticed how our thoughts and reactions can create unnecessary stress, or cultivate empathy and understanding for others?On a recent flight to Florida, I was reminded of the power of perception and emotional resiliency.I share the story of passengers clapping after a smooth landing, the reactions of those around me as a father rushed to exit the plane, and how the simple words of a child turned turbulence into an exciting adventure.Inspired by the wisdom of Epictetus, we'll discuss how to be more emotionally resilient by challenging our first impressions and choosing more rational thoughts.sarahmikutel.comDo you ever go blank or start rambling when someone puts you on the spot? I created a free Conversation Cheat Sheet with simple formulas you can use so you can respond with clarity, whether you’re in a meeting or just talking with friends.Download it at sarahmikutel.com/blanknomore and start feeling more confident in your conversations today.

A lot of us say that we want more meaning in our lives to be part of something greater than ourselves, to feel more connected to other people in the universe. This begins with becoming more connected with who we are and more self-aware of what's unconsciously motivating us. Welcome to Stoic Wellbeing. I'm your host to Sarah Megatel, an American in England who uses stoicism and other techniques to help my coaching clients become more present, productive, and open-hearted. I am here to help you to visit Stoicwellbeing.com to learn more. As we touched down in Florida, people clapped and cheered at the landing. This made me smile, as I rarely hear this anymore. Do we all think we're just too cool to clap like people are going

to think we are novice flyers if we do that? That's one possible thought. I mean, people thank the bus driver for taking them 10 minutes down the street, but we fly for hours at 35,000 feet and we act like it's no big deal. Human minds are so interesting. Because we arrive so early, our plane had to taxi around for a little while to wait our turn to get to the gate. And I heard some say, I regret that to clap. Kind of kidding around, kind of serious. 30 minutes later, the seatbelt sign goes off and we all stand up to gather our things. And as I was taking my carry-on down from the overhead, a father who was sitting a few rows behind me squeezed past me, apologizing as he maneuvered his way up the aisle as fast as he could, and his teenage son was following

him and looked totally mortified. And a guy who was sitting behind and across from me started growling, oh, I guess that guy thinks he's just better than all of us. So I turned around to the guy who said that and I said, well, he might have a connection to catch. I have one, too. It's just in a few hours. And I wasn't saying this to be a jerk. I was trying to make this guy feel better. His behavior indicated that he really did think the stranger was personally attacking him by exiting the plane first.

And then the girly man's mother-in-law, I'm guessing she was the mother-in-law by the family dynamics that we're playing out here. She starts chiming in and says, well, they usually make an announcement if people have a connection. and I dropped it because I had enough time to get into a coaching session with this family about emotional resiliency. But I hope that I planted a seed that alternative thoughts to knee-jerk reactions are available. More rational and empathetic ways of thinking are available. Epicita said it's not things that upset us, but what we make them mean. To me, that stranger running out of the plane looked totally panicked as if he was going to miss his next flight, and he was apologetic. We had just landed in Orlando, the happiest place on earth, and yet the growly man who was sitting behind me

was telling himself the story that this guy who was trying to get out first was looking down upon him. That's why those two people were rushing out of the plane. We can allow ourselves to react out of our emotion, or we can take a step back and respond with more reason. We can choose to give people grace and to not sweat the small stuff. I shared that plane story in an email this week, and someone wrote back and said, this really resonates with me. I have been that stranger in a plane who had a connection to catch. But I ended up missing my connection because I felt bad passing people. So she felt bad. And this could mean many things. A major reason my clients avoid speaking up or showing up is to avoid conflict. I don't want to upset anyone. So I'm just going to stay quiet and sit here. I don't want anyone judging me or thinking bad of me or throwing me out of the community. This desire for safety has been wired into our brains for millions of years. Stay quiet. Stay down. Be safe. Think of that person who missed her connecting flight. What an incredible chain of events feeling bad may have unraveled. Missed flight connection. Maybe she had a taxi driver waiting for her, friends wondering where she was. She could have been late for a big business presentation. Who knows what may have unfolded but could have potentially been avoided had she gotten up and gotten off the plane first and made that connection.

Of course, we want to be kind and fair with people, and this includes being kind and fair to yourself. You are not the kind of person who is going to plow your way through everyone ahead of you to exit the plane first for no reason. But if you knew that the woman behind you would miss her best friend's wedding if she doesn't make her next flight connection, you would probably say, okay, please, go ahead of me. I hope you have a great time. And you deserve to give yourself that grace as well to speak up for yourself when it matters, to make your connection. Now, when I mentioned the woman, the hypothetical woman who might miss the wedding, if she didn't exit the plane first, did you think, well, she was cutting it awfully close? She should have flown earlier. We all have these thoughts. But maybe this lady couldn't get the time off work. Maybe the wedding is in some remote place where they only have a flight once a week. We have no idea. Many of us have waited in line to check in at the airport when someone asked to cut everybody because their flight is boarding. We let this person go and then grumble about their poor time management. But we don't know this person's story. Maybe they were caring for a sick parent. Maybe they just

struggle with time management. Many of us do. It doesn't make them bad people, and we shouldn't twist ourselves out of shape over this. We all have things that we are trying to improve a bum. Some things are in our control, and other things are not. And if it's not in your control, let it go. It doesn't serve you in any way to imagine that other people think they're better than you. And what if a stranger does think he's better than you? He can't possibly have enough information to know anything about you or your character or how cool you are. So he's simply thinking or acting out of ignorance. And if that's the case, then who cares what he thinks? He's wrong. He has no idea what he's talking about. If a stranger said, I don't like that dress you're wearing and you are not wearing a dress.

You'd be like, all right, this guy is clearly, you know, something's going on there. So don't assume that they know anything about your character. We can think more rationally, which offers us the wonderful byproduct of being more emotionally resilient, because we can choose to think the best of people instead of the worst. And this is an ongoing practice. Most of us aren't sages. I am certainly no saint. We're not Buddhist monks who never get triggered. The practice is examining our first impressions about a situation instead of immediately reacting to them and choosing rational thoughts that we can support. I'm going to leave you with a final story about thoughts and perception. So on that Florida flight, we had many kids. They were on their way to Disney World.

And when we hit turbulence, one of the children said, this is fun. And then we were, And then kids around the plane started laughing and cheering, and our bumpy aircraft became their first ride at Disney. Now, if that first kid had said, I'm scared, or started crying instead of saying this is fun, more kids would likely have been upset. The situation didn't change. Only their thoughts about the turbulence did. In one scenario, this is fun.

Yes, this is a ride. We love it. And another, I'm scared and crying. But it's the same situation, different thoughts. So, my friend, choose your thoughts. wisely. Do you ever go blank or start rambling when someone puts you on the spot? I created a free conversation sheet sheet with simple formulas that you can use so you can respond with clarity, whether you're in a meeting or just talking with friends. Download it at sarahmicatel.com

slash blank no more.