Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 100

Episode Date: June 30, 2021

Chapter 100 - Ball(f). It's 8.33am on 30th June 2021 and the momentous day has arrived. The final Beginners' Chapter and number 100 (of infinity). There are a few clues of the intermediate stone clearing that is to come, but it's mainly a celebration of stone clearing and gerontophilia. Even the FF are keeping a respectful diftance. Enjoy this whilst you can because things are going to get TOUGH from here on in. Only those with balls can carry on to the next level. You are allowed to count the balls of your feet. Become a monthly badger here: http://gofasterstripe.com/badges. Don't end up like Brian Wheat. Support the people who took my ball here: http://justgiving.com/monoball

Stone Clearing with Richard Herring Come on then Wolfie Wolfs. Come on. Come here. Good girl, stay. What are you doing? I know, but look, I've got to do this to get... Oh, stop it.

Come on. You've got to have this on, haven't you? You know that, you need a lead. Come on. Doo doo doo doo doo. Alright, come then. Wolfie, where you going? Come on.

Well, hello my finest friends. It's 8.33. It's the 30th of June, 2021. And they said it would never go on this long. Actually, they said it definitely would go on this song, but it shouldn't. We are here finally. Final beginners chapter, chapter 100.

The 101st podcast has been a summertime special. But that does not count. That was just a bit of fun. This... There's nothing fun about stone clearing. It's a serious endeavour. And so this 100th chapter is a milestone, not a millstone.

And in celebration of this great achievement, some gods have made it as cold as a February day. Slightly rainy. You can feel a bit of moisture in the air. And overcast. And that is exactly how we like to celebrate here. Perhaps there'll be a hailstorm. We're passing under a bower,

taking us up Duckett's Pound Passage. Of course, I've had a lot of emails in congratulating me on this 100th episode, Compost Nettles. See, now I didn't say John Nettles is away filming. So if I want to come to Jersey, this is a good time. Nice. Thank you, Compost.

I often don't... I get so many emails, it's hard for me to remember individual people. So I'll certainly pop over Compost. No more needs to be said. The poppies are still in full bloom. Huge pterodactyl looking creatures are flying through the air. They're not just big crows. More likely they're pterodactyls.

Kind of like wolfing off the lead for a sec, just to see if she'll... She seems keen to run around. As I clear a couple of stones, the Alpha and Omega can already, of course, been fed. Huge weeds growing in this little garden area, where there's a bench that's old people sometimes sit on. And wolfie off into the grass doing a business.

I think this is probably just a wee. Yeah, that's a wee. Let's see if she does a poo later. So, yeah, Leif Erickson has been in touch with the Viking. Well done, Rich. 100 chapters. Very excited to be in the part of it. Do you remember me?

I might have been in one of the episodes that didn't actually get broadcast, but I'm still behind you all the way. I'm Leif Erickson, the Viking. Not that, by the way. Good. Do keep those emails coming in during the walk. I'll read a few more than usual.

A dog poo here on that side of the field. So I'll pick that up. It's quite a chunky one. For those who are listening for their dog poo. So, yeah, a final few bits of beginner information. Oh, oh, no. Don't know if you can still hear me. I'll check in a sec.

My ear pod fell out again. I'll open up the poo and I'll put that in my pocket. Hope I don't forget it. Still seem to be rolling, so that's good. Yeah, it's cold out here. The central heating's on. End of June, what? What's going on?

Come on, we'll just get you back on the lease. Good girl. I mean, you know, I'm nearly at the end of what I can say again. It's going to get very exciting next time as we hit. Things are going to get intermediate. That's what everyone's saying. I don't know if the press will cover this 100 stone clearing episode.

They should do. Shouldn't be covering every episode. Oh, lovely. This is a golf ball here. Lovely big stone here. This is where there's some work going on. Let's take a picture of this golf ball. That's an unusual find right in the park.

Goodness knows where it came from. We're all still going. It's all fine. I mean, some people would keep that out of a sentimental value. Not me. It's going off. There's some kind of dog poo around here. It's going on.

That's off the field. Some lovely big stones have been thrown up by the work. I mean, they're sort of off the field, but I'll move them to a safer place as there is building going on here, some new fence going up. God, goodness knows what's happening there. Balls. I mean, that could be the theme of this podcast, couldn't it? Stones, what are they?

If not the balls of nature taking one off at a time. I started this journey. What was it? Three or four years ago? Three years ago? I don't know. Some time ago. Feels longer.

I had two balls. Four, if you include the balls of my feet. Now I've got one ball, three, if you include the balls of my feet. I've still got both balls. My feet. It's been quite a journey. We stopped Brexit. That was the main thing.

We've got government coming sacks. That was the main thing that we did. But more importantly, we cleared a fuck of a lot of stones. Probably over a thousand stones in those four years. I mean, way more than that. Come on, get real. I'm overcome with emotion. I don't think I'll be talking too much during this one.

Hopefully, just thinking maybe this would be a good time for the singing ringing tree to do its thing in celebration. So it's a little way away from there, but this is all to that potentially. I'm picking up a couple of small mediums. They'll go on the crack in the middle of the field, which is actually invisible now. And this is how I like it really. Weeds do hide a multitude of stones. Make it harder for that stone starzy to throw them back.

Most of the stone starzy would never do anything like that. They appreciate the rules. The rules of stone starzy. There are no rules to stone. That's the first rule of stone. There are a lot of rules. Remember the stone starzy. That's sort of the point.

One of entry requirements. Things I don't really approve of myself, but that's unsurprising. The crop is as tall as Wolfie now. It goes bounding through there. She disappears into the more traditional crop of wheat. I'm glad to see after all those months of beets and then rocks and beets. Maybe this farmer just has to have things that rhyme with eat. Maybe you've misunderstood the nature of farming.

As long as it rhymes with eat, then people can eat it. That's what he's thinking, I'm guessing. What about poppies though, farmer? What do they rhyme with? They don't rhyme with eat, do they? They rhyme with ploppy. I think on. And yeah, of course, not so many stones available,

which makes beginning lessons harder. That's why we're getting on to the intermediate stuff this year, because we need to work out how the wheat field where the crop is so thick that you can't even see the ground behind it. Say what you like about beets. You can still see a little bit of stone. Oh, that's where I got stung last time. So we're pushing on.

Let's find something for the can opposite the main can. It's going to be absolute tibblers. Three little tibblers. Every stone counts in large amounts and small amounts as well. On we go. Onwards to glory. A harvest shall come pretty soon. That's when looking forward to those intermediate lessons of post-harvest stone clearing.

Things are going to get a bit tougher. I'm keeping it very light today. I'm not even going to give you any indication of what is to come. But, you know, there's a reason that I've lost seven kilos in the last few weeks because of what is coming up. And you need to be at your fittest to be intermediate. Let's see if there are any more emails coming in from Judy Murray's email. Remember when you saw me in the field?

It was me. And Andy had found out, and Jamie had found out where the field was using the contacts. Just wanted to see you in action. And once you've finished the compost metals, come on over to Scotland to see me. Well, it looks like there's some fringe benefits. So should I say, minge benefits to stone clearing? And that is your pick of the ladies of middle, later middle age. I'm very happy to be dining at that buffet.

I can tell you that. Like a fine wine. They're like a bit like a fine wine. Come up and sing a ring a tree. I already have one. This we're passing the slash with mills. In here. Hello, it's me.

It's Richard. Hello, how you doing? It's very leafy now, isn't it? So, very cleverly, the stone stars he's sending out a couple of agents there, just as I was throwing the singing ring and tree as well. Plan celebrations had to be put off. Unfortunately, we'll have to wait for episode 200, chapter 200, and then maybe the singing ring and tree will do its thing.

On this bit of path, which is nice. Don't have to get into the field here. And even more poppies. That's more stone stars. It's so clear, sorry, I've fallen in the past time. So we're remembering one from even further back in the past. A couple of small arches there. And lots of...

Lots of stones here. It's very nice. The stone stars he will lay off me a little bit today in memory and sort of celebration mark of what I've achieved. If you've listened to all these hundreds, including the one inside my pocket, then they're well done to you. If you also listen to every single light stone clear, there we go.

They're very well done to you. You've not wasted your time here on Earth. You can go to your grave saying, well, you know, it turns out the work I did in IT wasn't all that important. But listen to my imaginary children and grandchildren because I never had sex. I did listen and watch every single possible stone clearing chapter.

Even the one you couldn't hear. I listened to that. I went through it trying to just hear the odd word, noted it down. Makes sense. The words. It's a shame that one did hold a lot of important secrets. I guess that's why the stone stars he jammed the frequency and ruined it. I mean, I could just say him again,

but not really in the spirit of stone clearing. Just repeat yourself. What's important, this is every single one of these chapters is filled with different information. Wolfie's out in the sea getting wet in the waves. Disappeared. Here she's jumping down the time of her life. So the good news is before breakfast weighed myself

and my BMI is 29.9. That's officially overweight rather than obese. Yeah, eat my dust. I mean, I probably have had breakfast and probably am back into being obese again, but that's not the point. Early morning's where it counts. The weight still ticking off bit by bit. Next stop, just being of the correct weight, BMI of 25.

Just 15 more kilos per goat. So I hit that. But nothing's impossible. If things were impossible, then people wouldn't try to clear a billion stones off a field, would they? If they believed that things were impossible. The dog coming right on the diagonal. And might just take this opportunity to go on to the other field a little bit and have a look and see what's going on here.

See if they're over-cleaning this field. It's doing their job correctly. There's a stone right here, right on the edge. And technically I shouldn't clear it. No rules for stone cleaning though, but that's the first or second rule, which don't clear another stone-clearing field. All right, well we're avoiding this stone-starzy quite cleverly. Rules are made to be broken and not stone-clearing rules, of course.

There's a one in early Middle Ages. They're not interested in that. They're not perfect. Gerontophilia is the way forward for me. That's what I believe. And all stone-clearing. So I'm going to at some point knit through this hedge back onto my foot. I've diverted them.

I made them think I've changed field. She's come through to this field. That's my cue to try and get through this hedge, but there is no way through at the present. I wonder if I can get through this gap. Should we try this wolf? Doesn't really look like a proper gap. We're in the tree, which is quite exciting.

Now in a bramble bush. I don't know if he wants to come through here. And what? That is intermediate shit right there. That's the kind of thing you can expect every week. From now on. I mean, I don't know if you were asked how exciting that was. I literally went through a bush.

Something you wouldn't have thought of. You'd need to do with stone-clearing. I promise not to give away too much. I don't want to scare the beginners away. But look, if you're beginning this into 100 chapters, are you a beginner any longer? That's my question to you. Come on.

Believe in yourself. You've come this far with me. It really smells of dog poo today. That might be the dog poo in my pocket. My can over here is very much hidden away by huge bramble. I can't even begin to see where my can. There is all the wall that I was building. You just have to throw that into there.

There was me saying that there was just a stone lying on the entrance to the next door field. There's one just on the entrance to my field too. Now, not anymore it's gone. So, here we go. We've escaped that stone-starzy with very much an intermediate tactic. Never before witnessed in all the history of stone-clearing. Throw a hedge over some brambles.

Wolfie stayed with me. That's why you're going to have a good dog by your side. You're going to have a dog that will rise to the challenge. Just lobbing a couple of small mediums into those big weeds. The rain is coming down a little heavier now. Celebration if it is. That is how the stone gods... It's not fireworks for them.

Sometimes it's lightning. It's obviously fireworks for truly. Sometimes it's squint. Sometimes it's vent which is fireworks. Another kind. It's drizzle. That's how they celebrate. Is it we?

We don't know. It's not our place to question how the gods are enjoying this. It's just our place to give them what they want. And they can enjoy it. Howsoever they feel fit. We're definitely getting this because this is fucking gold today. It would be very annoyed if that. Passing through a bush.

Going through a hedge had not made it. There's a much better way through. Just up a little bit further. I'm just looking at it now. I've just gone another 10 or 20 metres. I'm just a water crust. But where's the fun in that? It's absolutely glorious out here.

I'm just going to go through the picture on the last one. This still doesn't do justice to the beauty of what I'm walking through now. If you get some wheat from this field, you're going to have some opium in there as well. My friends, it's going to be the fucking best loaf of bread you've ever eaten. Some people argue that psychedelic drugs amongst the crops in Nazareth and Galilee explain some of the weird shit in the Bible. Well, here in Hertfordshire we have plenty of drugs to liven up the dullness of our lives.

It's like living in biblical times here in many ways. There's a jogger coming through. I'm going for a little run later as well. A plan and an eight-mile run. Me too. A jogger is coming this way. I haven't picked the thing up yet. Me too, around eight miles in just over 80 minutes.

Just under eight miles in place. So basically 10-minute miles. If you have a pacemaker, you do pick up my speed a bit. Today I was running six, seven miles and 55 minutes. So that's some way to go to recapture the glories of my early middle age. I guess the stone stars are being respectful today. They can't be seen to step away entirely, but they are stepping back. They're applauding.

They know what I've achieved. I've done a couple hundred chapters of the podcast. Something only me and Brian Bramble have done. Brian Bramble. He doesn't really take a risk properly. It's very much at mid. Middle class stones here. Like me on the real deal.

All sorts of protective equipment, of course. I'm probably not countenance. Right through, it's a young woman, long ponytail. The rain coming down at an angle of about 45 degrees from my left. Can you imagine that now? So you can envisage the field. The jogger goes straight on. This is my clever turn.

The stone starts at the distance. And again, heading the wrong way. On purpose, who knows how their minds work. Why do they go to the dark side? Sometimes I wonder, am I the baddie? Are they the goodies? Do they think they're the baddies? Do they think they're the goodies?

I don't know. All I know is I am the goodie. I'm the one clearing stones off the field. I'm going to gather stones from under the Greenwood tree. It's just opposite the stone. There's two stones. Darzi have stopped staring at the young jogger. The woman who's now broken back into a walk.

It's not a very efficient jogger, which makes me realize she's a stone. She would never start walking. She thinks she's outside. It's like the Truman Show. Over the crops. Nice stone there. Nice oval.

Caramel oval. If you look at your stone clearing chart. Small, medium, small, maybe. I would need my stone measure. Oh, the jogger has turned. He's heading back the other direction. Perhaps put off by the strange. Maybe she's not a stone star, Darzi, after all.

Maybe it's just her job to be a bishop. Crossing the field in a diagonal. Making sure nothing untoward happens. But sadly, she missed me. Sadly for her. Good for me, because I don't want to be nervous. So, picking up tomorrow. The last stone pole of the disaster,

but surely for episode chapter 100. We'll get five out of five here, right? Five stones. No one's around. The jogger's going back the other direction. The old, gnarled men. Standing by the wrong pole. Oh, but the pole is a long way behind some very tall weeds now.

Wolfie's on the lead beside me. She will get excited. She will get in the way. Let's see what I'm going to go over on. Dark fashion. Oh. One out of one. It hit the pole.

Bounce back nearly. Bounce onto the pole. That's one out of two. Oh, wrong pole. Did it bounce back on? Maybe. One out of three. It's going to be called.

Two out of four. This is the hardest stone. It's a long thin one. Oh, and I picked a pole every single time, but three times it was the wrong pole. Fence pole. Two out of five. Did any one of them bounce off that pole

and hit the correct pole? They go to VAR. They decide. No, what a shame. So, um, Brian wheat has been in touch new, new, uh, email as far as I can, can see. Uh, he's saying, uh, rich. Uh, I'm very worried about when you do badly on the stone pole.

Uh, the bad luck that comes to me. Uh, last week when you got one out of five, I think, um, my car was broken into the next day. The next day and my mother died in some ways was worse. Is there any way I can offset the bad luck and turn it into less bad luck or good luck? I'm worried about, um, my bicycle and also my, my father. Well, Brian wheat.

Good question. Yeah, you can, um, come up to the badger. Go fastestrike.com. That's badges. Surely you had that already. Uh, you can follow me on Twitch and subscribe on Twitch with Amazon Prime. There's less content than there once was at the moment. Hey, look, if you really want to give some money out of your,

of your own, um, why not, uh, sponsor me just giving.com slash mono ball. Give some money to the hospitals who attempted to dissect me, but luckily I woke up in time just as they've only taken one bit of me off. I'm sure they're in the pay of the stone stars. They were the only way to make them realize how strong I am is to raise. They actually give them money to show them that, uh, that I'm better than that. They can't take bits of a human being off. That's not allowed.

But I've bounced back. I can run eight miles and hopefully soon I can run 13 miles of dog shit here. Very unpleasant. And here we are at the main can. And I'm just putting a couple of tiddlers on just, uh, again, this is intermediate stuff. Put little ones on amongst the big ones. It fills the gaps up. You get a watertight wall that will last forever.

Remember the stone stars actually standing in the field, uh, surveying the poppies with some kind of recording device in the distance. Um, don't know what's going on there. That's gloating over the many fallen stone theories. Nice stone here. That's a lot. That's a beauty. Big round. It's just, it would be a dinosaur egg, but the top fifth has been sliced off and some kind of action. It's a gambling young woman. Uh, the stone stars have employed to take photos and she's now running. The two joggers out here today, she was running for her life along the bottom part of the field.

Looking at the pictures she's taken, very excited to take another one. It might be Jimmy Savile actually. It might not be, just when, when they went into that running action, long blonde hair running could be the ghost of Jimmy Savile. He didn't want to pay me one last tribute before he goes back to wherever he ended up. He did so many good things with me. I couldn't click every trip. But then he did some bad things as well. So I don't know how God will judge him.

How will God judge any of us? Orphi. Orphi gambling herself amongst the wheat. And there, I think it must be Jimmy Savile because there's put some real distance between the two of us. Unusual for a stone star to run away from me. So here's to the next hundred chapters they get. It's going to, Orphi stopped him doing something in there. Don't know what that is. It's going to get difficult.

I'm going to put you off, but also I don't want you coming along for the ride. I'm going to put the Dinosaur egg in the ditch that stopped Brexit. That seems only right. Travel time distance to get here. That's for the archeologist to work out in the future. That one got down from the top of the field to there. I don't want to put you off, but I do want to put you off if you are not committed. It's going to be a very different tone.

And you want to might just check you've got clean pants on or dirty ones. Because if you're going to dirty them, you might don't want to dirty some clean pants. So maybe put on some dirty pants in case you soil yourself. It's a real possibility. If you felt like turtles had poking out when I was going through that hedge. Definitely wear some dirty pants. Wear the pants you're wearing now that are already a bit dirty. The next time.

So Alphalomba again. Just a few small offerings there. Hard to know how it's going because it's behind the nettles now. But you can hear the click, click, click. The three stones finding their place, finding their home. And that's what this is all about. Satisfied stones. Thank you, Richard.

It's okay stones. You don't need to thank me. Come down. Duck its passage. Let's just have one last look at the emails. Fenty muck corn flower. I think that's a corn flower. Just want to say rich.

You are my hero. Oh, come on. The things you've done for stones. It's unbelievable. You're not in the new years on the list. Come on. First of all, Fenty. It's very important.

My work is secret. I can't take awards even if the Queen knew who was doing what I'm doing, which even the Queen probably doesn't. Judy Murray does, but she's got Andy Murray and Jamie Murray. And their network of spies. Mainly doing tennis business that can be employed in any area. You are my hero. I'll just say that again.

Stop saying that. Fenty. And my mum is 72. I hope that's not too young for you. But I'm prepared to offer up for all you have done. Well, that's very kind of you. You can send photos through. Have any of your parents or grandparents that you think might be suitable vessels?

Is that the word? Vessels. I guess that's closer. That just helps me decide which who shall be in my Harim, my Gerontophile Harim. Look, I've got to get a little bit out of this for myself. There's no point in clearing all these stones if you don't get a little bit for yourself. Even the stone gods.

So we're home. 100 chapters down. Infinity to go on my wife's breakfast table. It's the kitchen table. We don't have a different table for each meal. We're not Andy and Jamie Murray. So I'll leave it there. All it leads to do is to save from me and all the stones.

Goodbye until the next terrifying intermediate chapter. Don't my friend. And they for helping you marry dance. Don't liven to the birds and trees. Don't liven to your underpants. Liven to the stone. Liven to the stone. And they in turn are liven to ye.

My friend, my pine friend. Stone clearing with Richard Herring, starting me Richard Herring and Wolfie the dog, plus the lady behind the hedge. The lady I had to avoid to go. I went in the hedge, the jogging lady, the two old people in the distance, and possibly the ghost of Jimmy Savile.

We're not sure. Thank you very much to Mike Coffgrave, who created this beautiful music. And to the voice of the Photones, Michael Bahine. Number one hundred, mother fuckers. And they for helping you marry dance. Don't liven to the birds and trees. Don't liven to your underpants.

Liven to the stone. Liven to the stone. And they in turn fall liven to ye. My friend, my pine friend.