Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 104

Episode Date: September 1, 2021

Chapter #104: Droopy Penif Earf - It's 8.42am on 1st September 2021 and it's been a while since we've been on the Ftocean. Rich is dizzy, with dizziness, not excitement, but stone clearing is the best medicine, even if the crop reminds you of your genitals. The fabric between alternate universes may be fracturing and some of the listeners may be travelling in time (but no fpoilerf), but otherwise it's business as usual. And a very exciting stone pole too.

Stone Clearing with Richard Herring Hello my fine friends welcome to chapter 104 Intermediate Stone Clearing with Richard Herring I'm Wolfie the Dog, if you want to get an equal billing, it's been a little while since we've been up it mid-August it's the 1st of September 2021 it's 8.42pm I just came from my gate and there was some of the dog he said to me no testosterone I thought he was referring to me but he meant with the dogs oh the field we're out it's the first time I've been up on the field for a few weeks holidays what not I need to find a stone for the alphanoma again before we crack on obviously

there we go that's good and oh it's just I thought it might have been harvested but it's not it's just the crop of wheat has turned brittle and dry which I suppose is what it has to do the thistles are still poking it up but that dried up too and we'll see what the situation is like I have a little bit ill this week with a bit of dizziness which may mean it's not a problem unless I'm bending down or moving in different directions which makes I'm trying now but I'm fine actually out here I think we're stone clearing it's like doctor stone clearing people talk about it a lot you can however ill you are

whatever problem you've got if you come out stone clearing you won't experience it you can get anything you could have had a heart attack be in the middle of a heart attack if you come stone clearing you'll be fine has my good health over the last few hours so long as you're stone clearing nothing can go wrong alright Wolfie how are you doing? that's the lead it's skittish come here darling did you just do a poo over there I think we'll get away with it it's in the undergrowth if you did one I don't know if you did one Wolfie so anyway sorry we've been Wolfie we've not been coming out weekly I know a lot of you waiting for the next chapter before you go out yourself

and try stuff because you need to really need to know everything that stone clearing before you even attempt it up to the new fence which is the weeds around it you would never know that was brand new apart from the path being quite feckoned with stones we're in a position where it's a little bit difficult just lying there in the middle of the path that goes into the brambles we are mainly looking at path stones you can kick them up you can kick them up as long as it's ready you can break them up with some other part of your body but yeah I was worried that the bending of picking up stones might be a problem today it's very unpredictable it's dizziness oh why am I so old why can't I be young again it's annoying because obviously I've been trying to get fit

trying to exercise in a week and a half now where I haven't really been able to do anything so it's nice to get out and do stone clearing probably the greatest exercise known to me as well in terms of you're walking, you are bending over, you're throwing, kicking, covers everything a lot of top athletes do stone clearing just to maintain fitness which I don't approve of you should have no ulterior motive you must clear stones for the stones there are no rules to stone clearing that's the first rule of stone clearing the second rule is you must clear stones for the stones no ulterior motives

so someone was asking if they could get a picture of the jungle and I'm going through it I wonder if everything's dried up a little bit so it's not quite as bad as it was but maybe I'll try and do that now I don't really think you can get a feeling of how claustrophobic it is here and this should actually come down yourself and I'm not telling you where I am you mustn't come down this is my field there are no rules to stone clearing that's the first rule of stone clearing, the second rule of stone clearing is you must not encumber thyself upon the distortion of another clearing and there's nettles in the way, a lot of dead weeds now so maybe the weeds will just perish themselves

maybe once the harvest has come we will have stone christmas and there will be some excitement we'll be back to our beginners lesson I think for that week because there's nothing easier than clearing stones once the crop has been taken up I'm feeling okay so that's good, that's a positive sign I think as the years progress I'm sure we'll mainly become just a catalogue of my various ailments and illnesses if they don't kill me there's a bit of a clearer path through, everything is decaying it's not quite as much of a battle but there's only this well trodden pass space for the weather we can see stones we're going straight on most, come on the crown

there's a little stone here right by the cairn cross from the main cairn, I'll put that on the cairn at least something's gone and every little one counts that one was the size of a 1 pp that was about maybe 3 1 pp on top of each other small but still as important as every other stone that the big one's the best that's just mathematics so we're scooting around I don't think there will be, we've cleared about 10 stones I think so far so it's not been a wasted day and we're just getting to grips with the environment again, when you've been away for a little bit which you should never really be as a professional stone clearer

you should be out here 8 hours a day every day, no bank holidays for stone clearers but if you are called away, do re-familiarise yourself with the terrain you may think you know I know this path in a way like the back of my hand but it changes in subtle ways not just because you're moving stones off it either oh and here look at this we're in big trouble, oh there's a little loop around here where the weeds have drifted their way across the path and some clever enterprising soldiers created a path through the wheat

maybe it's Theresa May get it? the topical reference are people listening in about 2017? if you are listening in 2017, hello don't listen to spoilers about what's going to come in the future just listen to the stone clearing stuff, everything's going to be fine I suppose I could give you warnings about some of the stuff and then prevent them happening

but that is against the rules of stone clearing as well there are no rules of stone clearing rule 1, rule 2 you must not impart any information from the present to the people who are listening in the past so that might disturb the space time continuum it's weird that that's the second rule because you may think that wouldn't happen too much the singing ring entry no action from the singing ring entry

just my luck, those few weeks have no stone clearing probably that was when the elves and pixies were ready to come out that would just be my luck oh and we're really struggling our way through the jungle not wearing a north face jacket today by the way just wearing some Wellington boots wearing new balance jogging pants jogging pants

I'm wearing a barber little barber jacket yes, you might say you've changed it's not like the one you're thinking of, it's just like an anorak bought it in Edinburgh lots of them I was there I think I think I've mentioned this before and now it's my lightweight stone clearing coat barber, they don't just cut your hair

they don't just box people in the Rocky Films, Rocky Balboa that's my other I haven't spoken to them please send the money through barber barber herring, that's not just my mum that's me wearing a barber

my mum's called Barbara Clouse barber he wouldn't wear barber Clouse Barbie doesn't wear barber jackets it's his evil that's my other I haven't spoken to them there's a lot of stones here actually stone stars in the distance I should say

crossing the field they've gone the wrong way in this game of human chef and I am free to do what I want any old time and what I want to do is clear these stones so they're in the path there's a lot through here this is a beautiful area for me probably doubled my yield it's good to be out in the open

it's good to be doing a little bit of walking again see colours it's not an ulterior motive I'm doing this for the stone clearing not for the if I was trying to burn colours I'd be running up the hill do stay fit it's important to stay as fit as you can because if you kill yourself out here

just because you don't want to miss a day then I think all the years of stone clearing that could mean we don't get do be careful but obviously remember what I said before about stone clearing being the best medicine however ill you are if you go and clear some stones say you've just been had your hand sliced off you know I'm kind of threshing machine accident

ok stone clearing you'll find at the end of the stone clearing your hand has grown back or at least it'll feel like it you've either lost a lot of blood hallucinating remember if you do cut off the hand like the threshing accident just before you're meant to be stone clearing

you can carry the hand in the other hand and then sort of manipulate it to be another hand maybe you could hold it under your armpit with the arm that you've lost it from and then it's still useful but you can do stone clearing with one handed you can do stone clearing with no handed this is for all people

the disability access isn't great here on the field but you've seen it in the stone starsy they travel around here in mobility scooters so can you some kind of little pick up thing right well here we are at the actual peripheral the path around the field is absolutely clogged with weeds

the central path is actually well trod and much more easy to negotiate than going the long way around and on this path there are a few nice stones here even though the ground is trodding down and I'm chucking them it's near enough to chuck them I can't believe it beautiful throw

four or five stones off there employ throw if you can oh here's a nice one this is pretty big and this is the biggest of the day looks like a shoulder bone about the same size Wolfie's chasing that one that's got it to the brambles that's a good tonnage

I wonder how we added up all the tonnage of it we still don't have clear enough I wonder how many tons we've been by now a lot of tons I think and that's the thing isn't it one at a time one stone at a time sweet Jesus it's a long way to go can he make it

oh yes small stone but skimmed it through the air beautifully and it's way to 20 meters or so to the that's what I mean by exercise that is quite key part of the Olympics gold medal

what was I saying it doesn't matter I'm too far away from the edge now but I'm going to try and throw this one see how far I can get it when it's much nearer to the edge of the field probably will be a lot and do be aware of course

that the plow coming does mean that some of these surface stones this could be the last chance to clear them they may get sucked underground they'll be replaced by other stones of course coming up from the underground unless you've done a very thorough job quite stone clearing

so try and get off as much as you can before there the machines will come and eat up the soil spit out the stones bury the stones it's a dance as old as time certainly as old as it is

we don't know when the farmer will come there's no way of knowing be ready at all times the crop here very low down a very low crop it's still a wheat sagging I don't want to eat this

the shredded wheat that comes off of this field it's all drooping reminds me of my penis last night which had segregated into little ears tiny penis ears the stalk was coming at the bottom should probably get that scene to happen

doesn't sound right does it reminds me of my penis last night but however droopy your penis however many ears it is split into as you get older you're still able to stone clear you do not need genitals of any kind

it doesn't matter if you lose a testicle or two an ovary or two I don't know if you need an arm or two you can still do it not that arm is a genital a hand can do an impression is that a genital

a hand can stand might still be a little bit delusional and giddy from my sickness the stuff I'm saying here is today's just nonsense or if it's actually useful stuff

but I'll carry on I've got three stones from the field and here's another I mean none of them very troubling a medium five they might just be touching that are they going onto central chem

there's some brambles growing here there's no one who noticed that before maybe that's new blackberries not very ripe yet quite small ones and some elderberries you can make some good wine

maybe that's due to all the stones base of that again I'm going to throw another one slightly sharp that's a good piece of advice if you are flinging stones if they're sharp try and put the sharp edge away from your skin

and throw with the blunter edge I have had a few injuries in the field I remember I bled proficiently one time and that was through not observing that just base of common sensory not really on one so much

let's see if I can gather up five stones I've got one, it's a nice bit of chunk if I'm missing this one I'm in trouble just working up with it I'll go for the underarm throw, overarm throw or dart throw today

stone stars in the distance again they're very much misjudged they're at practice too of course because I haven't been here and that's one of the benefits maybe of just leaving your field fallow for a few weeks or days or years

coming back, no one's expecting you to be a runner and that's a clear runner probably 25 stones off the field and no loss of a stone clearer when you think of it like that then it's 25 for naught if this was cricket that would be a reasonable

ending spending for the 30 to 40 minutes of this because it's going to take my bloody useless ear pod just fell out there check that hello hi Patel

let's just take a picture of the limp penis corn as well that might be a better picture for the podcast check my emails on out here anyway to prove that this is working hello hello we're still connected

I'm going to say we're still here I've got three stones ready for the stone pole and let's call that four because here's another beauty just dropped the there's a lot of excitement today dropped my knee

getting dizzy a bit of a diarrhea unlike usual just very carefully about what I said plan obviously I've scripted most of this usually very tightly scripted so it's nice to do a loose one

that's a quite that's a I've chosen a tricky fifth stone I'm going to throw that one first let's see and unencumbered by look around

I can't see anyone just into a patch of ground that's completely wheat wheat patches I think it's about here on it and I'm going

dart throw first of all and it's one out of one that was the tricky one as well oh I mean does that count that bounced off the stone hit the back of the stone pole that's the VR I was going to have a look at that that's at least two out of three

that's at least three out of four sorry four out of five I'm going to call it four and a half five either way it's good news dart throw proved to be the way to go there maybe I've been even I can learn out here on the field

even I know so much about stones and how to move them around can suddenly have inspiration and throwing stones like darts and throwing them that way is better than underarm, overarm, like a bowler

sideways arm if you're doing a wee I'm pretty sure she's done a poo but I can't equal evidence to have if I do collapse and go down please call the authorities of course as I load this up later it will be hard for you to

heed that call but if you call yourself true disciples of the new I'm not saying I'm the new stone chief but some people have called me that then you should be able to know when I'm in trouble

I'm getting a good few clear here as well I think it wasn't looking promising today but that's it just never give up just always get out there there's just hundreds of stones along here more

exposed down here and the crops haven't grown right up to the path gives a good chance to clear all smalls but they all can we have that one sort of scapula shaped stone

that was the biggest approaching the main can hopefully it's not been vandalized here still flashback post traumatic stone disorder I have and I come up here thinking of that awful day

but again even that awful day there were positives we learnt a lot about stones that day not many stones around to add but here's one just in the path another couple of nippers tiny nippers but they're really small they've got 5 off here

but it's still 5 than the average stone I've lived with even together but they go in nice filler in between the bigger stones and a few stones are slipped off the can why not just get them a bit closer to home nice tin core that feels like

we've done a lot of work there good course those are stones that were already cleared another little nipper I'm just going to throw that back towards stones that we're heading down down towards down towards

the ditch that stopped Brexit goodness imagine the state we'd be in there, Brexit had happened wouldn't like to live in that universe some people think it's possible that this podcast could slip between the cracks into

other parallel universes that some people who live in the universe of Brexit might be listening to this I wish I lived in that different universe how bad like you don't

you made the wrong choice well we made the wrong choice in this universe as well but then the ditch that stopped Brexit obviously everyone just accepted that the ditch had the right to overrule the decision except we can't argue with a

ditch full of stones in your universe maybe if you're listening maybe that didn't happen I'm not listening to a ditch it's a fucking ditch of stones oh a nice interesting mushroom there might give that a little nibble later on

see how magic it is very slim pickings stones but I've got two stones for the ditch that stopped Brexit you have to keep fueling it or you might slip across into the alternate universe I imagine

shelves mainly have food on them but some items are not present I imagine doctors are having to choose extreme cases for who they take blood from blood bags that's what I'm imagining

that's a good experience we're all fine here we've got pretty well stocked shelves you know the EU is not perfect I'm not saying that but other than the shit show you guys are in so we moved in and just found a nice oh that's a beautiful offering

that's probably the fourth biggest stone of the day that can go on the Alphorn Armageddon as I have the birds fly out the trees above me shedding leaves down upon might be as they go

there's a poo there on the edge of this field that hasn't been cleared up by an irresponsible dog owner kind of nest of some kind I don't think it is Alphorn Armageddon that's the clearing today completed

no problems from the stones that just stopped growing we head down Duckett's Passage back to the real world for the present day we've travelled in time we've maybe travelled across the universe as the day who knows do email in if you're from an alternate universe

do email in if you ever suspect I've fallen in the field and need help probably email the police let's have a look we've got purple flower cloud

purple flower cloud has been in touch to say hey Richard I think I live in the alternate universe that and also can travel in time have already listened to this podcast and we have Brexit here

it's been really bad it's exactly like you said it will be why do you think our universe didn't let the ditch stop Brexit well good question flower cloud I don't know I think the thing is

with alternate universes and multiple universes everything we're having a great time here and this one I'll tell you I went to France the other day I'm using my passport yes is there any way to come back with you the universe there isn't you're in your universe now

okay just try and repair it but there's no point because it's already splintering into infinite other universes even as I say this in one of those yeah the police the ditch stop Brexit will work for you people will go oh we should listen to the ditch stop

let's go back everything's possible if this is a trend system which it seems from your email it is but I don't know how it's possible I got an email from an alternate universe but if the universe is infinite everything's possible

so that's explaining to any people who like science right we're home Wolfs what do you think you like some food it's been an exciting chapter I hope you've enjoyed it it's been nice to get out there if you have a few weeks off just get out there

that's the lesson I suppose in today's podcast get out there get back it's going to be cold inside wear a barber jacket if you want a little bit off the back no thanks

I'll put it on my back and keep myself dry and warm that is my idea of a coat well there there's that the kids are losing their LOL stuff stupidly small bit of dolls

I can hear them shouting in the distance and I'm taking over so I better better go and be a dad thanks for listening enjoy your sound clearing from keep sound clearing stones enjoy your whichever universe you're in make the most of it

just clear stones doesn't matter about today's politics those are not important what matters is that the stones are cleared for eternity bye you you you you

you you you you you you you you

you you my friend my pine friend you have been listening to stone clearing with me Bridget Herring and Wolfie the dog

not many people were there in the field but they were in the distance there was a man who asked me about my testosterone but that was before the podcast began the music is by Mike Coffgrave the voice of the Photones is Mike or Faheen I'm not doing it again even though I've tripped off over it

listen to the stones my friend and they found thing Mary does don't listen to the birth and truth

don't listen to your underhand listen to the stones listen to the stones and they in turn

found it to you my friend my pine friend