Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 109

Episode Date: October 15, 2021

Chapter 109 - Path of Conkerf. It's just before 5pm on 14th October 2021 and it's a fine autumn night to visit a freshly ploughed field to clear easy stones that a child could clear. But what should you do when presented with such easy stony booty? You should take care my friends. For the FF are lulling you and Halloween is just around the corner.

Stone Clearing with Richard Herring Well, hello, my finest friends. Hello, Wolfie. Well, well, well, well, don't run into it. Look, there's a car, there's a car. There's a big lorry, a big van coming, Wolfie. You've got to be careful. Welcome to chapter 109.

It's on the course in how to clear stones from the field. It's more difficult than you thought it would be, isn't it? It's not as easy as you thought. It's the 14th of October. It's 1654. That's six minutes to five p.m. An olden day's climb. And it's a coolish autumn evening.

I'm walking over some conkers as we head up Duckett's Passage. Fallen from the horse chestnut tree. They don't interest me. They like nature stones. But of course, real stones have been here long before conkers turned up. And they'll be here long after conkers. The last conker has fallen. That last conker, of course, will be the king of the conkers.

And presumably an infinity, or more or less, some billions of homes having defeated every other conker. But one day there will be a final conker. There'll never be a final stone. Stones will be here. Long after the universe has gone, stones will still be there. But I know you expect. And oh, interesting.

The station looks like it has been plowed again. There were some green shoots coming up, which I presumed were the new crop. But I don't think they are because they've gone. So they've always been plowed out of existence. It might give us a few more, we'll be straight into doing a wee. There's just a few more stands to choose from.

I'll pick up a few to chuck onto the Alfa and Amun Ken, which is looking pretty good, actually. I threw a bit of metal in there the other day. I can see it there. It's like a door hinge or something. We can do a bit of a hassle off, because there can't be anything on this field. Nothing.

No huge ones. We are looking for some big ones, but while we can get some big ones off the field, there's a pretty good medium straight off the bat. Big chunk. Wolf is excited. Wolf is chasing it. I haven't thrown it very well.

It's only just off the field. Maybe four metres from the shore. I mean, it's possible there's seeds underneath here, but I don't think there are. Another very large, small one. A bit of hassle hocking out a little bit. I've seen something. Oh, a couple of nice ones sticking up out of the ground.

That's a decent medium. A bit of plastic there. I wouldn't worry about that. And Wolf is off the lead. I do have to watch out for the dogs. Just checked for a flatty, but I've seen another dark brown stone. Looks like a lump of soil,

but I knew it was a stone. Put that off. Some satisfying stone clears. This is not intermediate. This is easy. A child could clear these stones. A child of three years old could be doing as well as I am right now.

And I'm looking out onto the horizon. Just soil as far as I can see. Studied with stones. Some of them are calling to me. Some of them aren't. Right on the path again now. And don't walk on the field too much. It draws attention to you.

Okay, then there's no one here. Trying to get a little care in going by this tree. Actually, I used to just throw willy-nilly around here, but trying to get it all in the base of the tree now. Feel like I've been watched.

Some large black birds. Just disturbed. Not by me, I don't think. Maybe one of them saw me. One of the others, they flew off. The stone stars, they haven't been around as much, have they? Makes me maybe trying to draw them

into false sense of security. And just getting rid of some largest small ones. That one might even be a small, medium one. Oh, Wolfie jumps up and nearly gets clattered in the face. She's bold. Their attempt to stop me

taking stones off the field. A kicker couple. Just for a bit of rudge. Oh, that one's fallen into the garden. If those people, they wouldn't be happy about that. The part's been taken up in this latest plowing. Another good kick there, right into the bushes.

Just a small one. Smaller than round. About the size of my enlarged testicle. We should see some interesting stones on this jaunt. Yeah, there's a few here. Wolfie, look at this. It's right at the edge again.

Whenever you feel all we've cleared the path, they come with the plow and the path is full of stones again. This one's just retweeted that picture of the large of all the stones dancing in the distance there. No dog. Like the dressed in military garb.

They could be about to take me out with a shotgun. Too far away. There's that big video that comes up every now and again on Twitter with a big machine to clear stones. A lot of people tweet it to me. I think it's the first one that's ever happened to me. It happens about eight times a year.

It's no good for this job. All of the stones I'm clearing would fall through the gaps. But also, there are no rules of stone clearing. Of course, that's the first rule of stone clearing, but the second rule of stone clearing is you must not use any mechanical devices other than the human hand and foot and other parts of the human body.

You can head them off the field to clear stones, mainly feet and clean hands. A bit of a brick there. It still counts as a stone. Off it goes. Man made as it is. Man attempts to emulate nature

and fails. The brick does not prove as hardy as the stone. I've got a couple of nice, small, large, maybe medium, small. I'm going to put these on the can in the corner of the field. See what else pops up over here. Nothing huge, though. Maybe I've picked up all the huge ones

in the three years since I started doing this. Is it three or four? It's a long time. Disappointed to see stone clearing did not make the British Comedy Awards best podcast long list. But I guess it's not a comedy podcast. There we go.

A bit of a headache. I'm quite tired debating whether to do what you find today, as well as stone clearing. Maybe I shouldn't be trying to do so much. What have you got? You picked up that stone, I took off. Do you not understand what's going on? Come here.

Good girl. Good girl. You got it. You got it. Good girl. You've got the stone. Come here. Come here.

I'm going to put you in your back. I'm just thinking. I'll clear it properly. You can't get that now, can you? Try and get that. So sluggish progress as the path has turned to mud once again. It's better than when it was weeds.

A jungle of weeds. I'm not complaining. Your feet sink. It makes it slightly harder to move. Certainly when you're running around this field. You sink in. It's like sand. We're just going to do the short course today

and probably no stone pole again. Just checking in, letting you know we're here. Just letting you know how to stay in play, really. It's sometimes good to go back and remember how easy it can be when the stones are falling in the right way. But you will get onto bigger and better things. Oh, there's a stone size right behind us, which is a way.

If you want, you can spot that one. Maybe heading off the field. Just spotted a nice... That's nice. Oh, he's going off. That's good. Got a nice ovoid shape. I can't see where their path across the field would be now.

It's been plowed up. They're not as exciting a plow as some of the ones in the past. I don't know the hassle off. I've seen something. Not much, but we'll get it off. That's quite a nice one. That didn't barely went off.

It's not as good as that one. We'll try to go through one to pick up another one. Ah, here we are. Shouldn't have thrown all those off. Here we are across the main can. Those three were going very nicely. And that. Kicked one and then displaced one up.

I think the farm machine might be on the field still. I think this might be a very fresh plow. Oh, there's a nice elongated egg. You get to know all the different shapes of stones. I've thrown those down just on the edge of the can across from the main can. Weirdly, on this end of the path, there are not so many big stones,

and then you get halfway across them. That's when the big stones start to appear. So maybe in the past, someone's cleared this part of the field. We don't know. That stone was a bit off. No, that was to see. If you see something, it looks like you see a bit of mud. Give it a kick.

If it's mud, it'll fall apart. This clump of mud. Yeah, there's the farm machinery out in the next field, I think. They've obviously only just been here. And maybe the second person to cross the field, since it's been plowed. It's a very rudimentary pathway. The footsteps don't get lost.

Have you seen something else? Is that a stone or a lump? Yeah, it's a clump. That's what I thought was a stone. But I've still done it. It fell apart. And that won't happen with a stone. That's something you only learn in these intermediate chapters.

Stone cannot be stamped into the dirt. And this intermediate can be stamped down into the dirt. So, not as exciting plows could have happened here. I mean, it's good. It might maybe mean we're closer to finishing our job out here. I don't think he keeps looking around behind us. It's good to have this guard door. But I can't see anyone following us.

I think there's a couple of stones on the journey so far. That's a small medium. And a small large, I'd say. There might be some big ones as we get closer to the shore. There's that shore again. I thought that would be disturbed. So it's odd that there's been some plowing before that still to be here. And let's have a little walk away from that path again.

When there's no path, it does make it easier to transgress out into the orchestra. Oh, I thought this was the path. And there are some beauties here, actually. Oh, this is it. It's like the moon. It's like the moon. There's too many to carry. The surface of the moon hit by a gigantic asteroid that smashed into pieces.

And yet I'm going to have to leave most of these here. Why so many just here? Cleared and cleared. Ah, look at those. Shall I come back? I'll have to come back. There's no stone stars here. Oh, look.

We'll see. Look at this. Look at the wonders. We might just do one re-travelling for steps here. Pick up another load. There's some beauties. There's more than one load to it, though. That's the problem.

And you can just end up coming back and forth forever. Just do what you can at the time. Don't get stone blind. I thought the stone stars he wants. I'll place these ones a bit further down. Extending the wall out. Going nicely. But we are going to take one.

We're going to go back for one more haul. Never return to a lit stone. That's what they say. Occasionally rules are made to be broken. Oh, look at that one. These aren't the ones I saw. Just about the edge. Just about throw them from here to the edge.

That one's a bit smaller. That one hasn't gone as far, weirdly. But it's on the path now, so I can get that in a sec. Yeah. This is the problem. And while I even find my way back to all those stones I saw, I recognise them. Of course I will.

I'm not the kind of man to forget a stone in a hurry. I'll take that one. Where are they? There wasn't loads before. Where are they? They're in a different part of the field. Oh, I think this is it. Looking around.

Making sure we're not being observed. There's no way of getting out of it. If someone sees you doing this, you're a man. Clearly clearing stones off the field. That's an instant death sentence. The wrong people catch you. Look at that. I've got some nice big stones.

And I've got the big one that I really wanted. It's probably... Now I'm looking again. Medium-large. But, you know, if that's closer, it might be better. I thought that stone was bigger, but it's going to nick on top.

Look at that one. Dare I? And this is a lesson. Oh, that's the biggest one. This is a lesson we all don't over-stretch yourself. Don't get taken out. There's time to come back. And then, obviously,

the more stones you can get out of this period where there's no crops, there's no stones to Aussie, everything's just been disturbed. I'm machinery. Machinery isn't allowed in stone cloning, but it can be our friend. If other people use it,

it's like when Jewish people pay people to turn the lights on and stuff. We can't help it. If they do it, can we? I'm going to want to lose that big one a little bit more off the field. And why was that one that landed around about here somewhere?

Did it go there? Yeah, I think it's off the field, but I just kick a bit more towards where the wall is developing. Well, that's nice. I feel good. And it's not been often, recently, I've come off the field

feeling like I've achieved something admirable. What a mussy, didn't we? No poo-poos. But today, and as long as I get off, I'm not off yet. I've shifted significant. Two armfuls of stones just on that last bit. Oh, and more stone starsy appearing.

Which way they're going to go, hopefully, the other way. It's coming out of a gate with two dogs. And this is where maybe they were watching me. They're going to head the right way. They're waiting. They're waiting to catch me in the act. On top of medium stone, I think they're too far away to see. And I think they're going to the right way, ladies and gentlemen.

They weren't sure. They've made a tactical error. They decide which way to go, and they chose to go in the opposite direction. Maybe thinking I'd catch them up, but little knowing how they're about to come off the field and duck its passage back into the future where they can't catch me.

Coming up to the ditch that stopped Brexit. And, uh... A few northern islands. Looks like the ditch is doing its job. One place at a time, my friend. As always, not too many stones down this way. Again, possibly clearing the past. I thought that was a stone, but it's another great big bit of plastic.

Which has been... I've got that stone there. You hear that, don't you? That went into the ditch that stopped Brexit, lovely. And we'll give one more to the ditch that stopped Brexit. Oh, did you hear that? Nice clink. Let's give one more to the other one here. I've just seen another stone.

I'm going to kick one in. I'll try to go keep it, but missed. And here we are. Almost back at the half of normally I came. Again, very surprisingly easy journey around. Boring. You know, maybe the stone stars, they got fed up. Being the villains.

Because the more they try to stop me, the more people listen to the podcast. They think they're... Preventing stone clink. But actually they're just creating more. Oh, there's a big stone. Looks like a giant turd there. But it's not. It's a stone. It's nice and bright. Oh, it's a nice one there. That's good. Well, I'll leave those.

I can get those on another occasion. And the Alpha and Omega Ken will be very grateful for this contribution. I'll take a little pic of the Alpha and Omega Ken. I'll show you how it's getting on, because it's come on a little bit. You might be able to see the... bit of a door frame at the top there. Bit of a hinge or something.

And just checking the emails. Just to see if there's been any emails from... Shall we go, Wolfs? Come on, let's see if there are any emails. Let's have a look. It's difficult to see the emails here, because there's always the similar things around that. I don't know whether I'm missing any different emails, which are on my phone.

Sod Ivy. I'm sorry, it's Ivy Sod. You just put a surname first. So Ivy Sod has got in touch. To say, Halloween is approaching fast. Richard is the... Photon Cleaver of old. Oldie, she's put with an onion.

She's had many stupid fittings about Halloween. Well, Halloween is a Photon Cleaver's festival. The tradition of the 31st October was the date on which the Anglo-Faxham Kings declared open season, Piefen, on the Photon Cleaver. And the populace of every village would head out onto the fields and slaughter anyone they saw touching a stone. Even people who were just picking up stones to throw at the stone clearers

to kill them often died, and this often killed more non-stone clearers than actual stone clearers. The villagers would dress up in scary masks, like from the film Screen, or as it was called then, for Karim. And that's why sometimes they dressed as Jimmy Favill. That's why now, all these years later, we still see some of those traditions coming on their way through.

But that will also go in that class here. So yeah, that was an interesting bit of history, or hiftery, as we call it. So thanks for that, Ivy Sod. Don't get too much into your selling, or I'm back and the family are all right. Dinner table, because it is dinner time, so I'm going to have to go now before they find out my secret identity.

So enjoy your stone clearers and my wife's looking right at me. Just have to pretend I'm listening to a million marbles all the other day. I'll see you, goodbye, and I'm listening. Live unto the stone, my friend, and they've a half-ing year merry dance. Don't live unto the birch and tree, don't live unto your underpants. Live unto the stone,

live unto the stone, and they in turn, I'll live unto you, my friend, my fine friend. Stone clearing with Richard Haringstad, me, Richard Hanging, Wolfie the Dog, and a few distant Stone Starsy members. And that shoe was back again, wasn't it? The music is by Mike Coffgrave. The voice of the Photones is Mike or Faheen.

Live unto the stone, my friend, and they've a half-ing year merry dance. Don't live unto the birch and tree, don't live unto your underpants. Live unto the stone, live unto the stone, and they in turn, I'll live unto you, my friend, my fine friend.

Transcribed by ESO, translated by —