Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 126

Episode Date: September 16, 2022

Chapter 126: Chunky Chew Chew! It's nearly 8.30am on the 16th September 2022 and the stones they must be cleared. There's some wonderful olde hymns to the Alpha and Omega Gods and some terrific chunks. If you like chunks this is the chapter for you. But only if you've listened to all previous chapters. Plus another member of a famous family gets in touch, but they're not the most famous family I know. Listeners may be disturbed by the chewing in this podcast, but we have to ensure that only the committed get the fecretf of the ftonef.

Stone Clearing with Richard Herring Hello my finest friends, welcome to Stone Clearing 126, it's September the 16th, it's 8.25am and I'm eating a bit of chewing gum, that's going to be annoying isn't it? Let's get rid of that, that's one of the things you can do as a stone clearer, eat some chewing gum Ah it's a shame it's got quite a lot of mint left in it, it's a shame to have missed time that You might be thinking why isn't Richard Herring eating chewing gum at 8.25am in the morning I just saw some on the table and just absentmindedly ate it, I'm not addicted to chewing gum That's going to be annoying right?

I had a dream where people were chewing really noisily last night, that's weird I just brought it back, maybe it was a prediction of what was to come, a warning if you will It's breaking news, it's not good Right, that's not worth mentioning So here we are, we're on the Stocean Wave I think this isn't a crop implanted already, surely, just must be grass seeds, but it seems very in lines Is the new crop out already? Surely not, they haven't even plowed the field up or have they? I think it's just grass, we'll let Wolfie off the lead

Some lovely stones here for the Alpha and Omega Ken Don't forget your Alpha and Omega Ken, it's one of the, there are no rules to stone clearing That's the first rule of stone clearing, the second rule is don't forget your Alpha and Omega Ken If you want good fortune, the fall down upon thee That's the Alpha and Omega Ken, it is there to help thee lend In the old days they had different rhymes for stuff That good luck, I'll come to thee, if thou doth give me a stone Every time you come on and leave the field

That wasn't a very good song, but surprised it's been handed down the ages But everything gets handed down in stone clearing And some of it's good, if it's organic no need to panic if it's not chuck the top, good That song, we all know now, there's no need for me to sing it again Not so good, oh it's a lovely chewing gum Wolfie's weeing, I think she's interested in the revolution Just kicking some stones off, it's a damp day, the ground's not too wet though, it's not muddy There's been some precipitation, just chucking off a pit

I just lent down picked up a stone, chucked it off, that's one of the techniques you can use To clear the stone, sorry I had burnt a bit there, I had baked an eggs for lunch for breakfast Not for lunch, not for 8.25 Are you going to start thinking I'm a very weird guy who eats his lunch at 8.25 and has chewing gum first thing Very strange person, you're actually thinking I am Oh there's stone stasi up behind me, oh that was one of the first iceberg ones we've had for a while Tiny bit above the ground, massive under the ground, that's a nice medium sized stone right in the bang of the middle Stone stasi going the other way, she's looking at the hedge row

Seems to be eating something from the hedge, what a weird thing to do Imagine just coming and plucking berries and eating them There are some weird people in this village I have to say I'm taking a little can there with a couple of bits of concrete in against the fence there They've served like a magnet for the proper stones that I'm throwing off I'm in a jaunty mood today I've had a reasonable sleep, I slept quite well actually I don't think I have to go for a wee all night long

She doesn't like me, I still woke up at 6.15 but what can you do I went to bed at 11, woke up at 6.15 and that's 7 hours, that's fucking luxurious No wonder I'm in such a good mood, whoopies that a poo, it's right in the brambles You can leave that one to mother nature to deal with Oh it smells a bit though Hope the chewing isn't annoying you, oh there's a real egg It looks like a duck egg, a sort of very big duck Love that one, it looks like it's been crafted by the insides of a duck

Not by the weather, relentlessly pummeling against stone The stone stars they have not been as apparent in recent months have they? They once were, seem to have backed off, we've reached an entente cordial I let them get on hating and killing other stone clearers They let me get on with my work Perhaps having decided I'm not really going to be clearing a significant amount of stone

But they're wrong I am, and anyone who says I'm not a fly The sun behind clouds but just peeking through as if God Left his baffling light on There's flecks of blue in the sky, in the cerulean sky Sorry for the tautology there, look it up I just heard a new word reading a book, wanted to toss it in It's mainly grey to be honest, don't know what the posh word for that is There's such an embarrassment of riches here

The ground's still more stone than soil Even after all this time, this corner of the field particularly Stony wolfies going into the undergrowth again, what's your plan now? Oh and they're dark, this one looks like a potato Dark sort of purpley brown, might actually be, I think it is a potato It's a bit squidgy, what's a potato doing in here? They weren't growing potatoes, that's a mystery Either Arthur C Clarke didn't solve, deep into his no longer being alive

A bit of brick, still has to come off Alright, wolfie wolves Look at this, it's just crazy how many stones are here, how can it be? There's been some machinery here that's tossed up some stones beneath the ground But it still makes no sense to me that one man can clear so many stones And get so many stones returned It's almost like the stone gods are mocking me, I've got four nice stones here Look at this one, this is a good one, oh that's a lovely chunk

What a lovely chunk, that's the kind of thing that you get up in the morning for Lovely caramel brown chunk of stone, the size of, I mean that's bigger than wolfie snout Much wider and also much harder, less teeth and it knows saliva It's a very different wolfie snout, I don't know why I use that as a comparison Let's get you on your lead of what we just did, come here She looks around, she knows when the lead comes out that there's probably a dog coming But she's wrong, I'm just being a responsible dog owner Up we go, take the tune and putting you off

You know there's things you have to contend with In this podcast I not want to make it easy What a chunk, what an egg A few eggs today, a few chunks, chunks and eggs I mean, oh there's a witch's finger, oh dick Looks like they're kind of truncated, slightly cut off That goes in the pocket for some lucky monthly badger, we'll win that The monthly badge for Richard Herring's non-commercial podcast will soon be returning

If you're desperate to get involved, if you're not already, there'll be a new membership pack Including new badges, new membership card, new secret code And that will be going out to you If you're already a badger, you'll be able to join badgers soon, but of course you can join ACAS Plus If you prefer my commercial podcast I mean, who would, what sensual person would prefer me talking to Reese Shearsmith To me chucking stones around and talking to myself No sensible person, that's what I would say

Up to you, we're headed to a book club Also going good guns, not great guns, good guns Some good ones coming up But that again, is in my commercial podcast division I'm clearing stones all the while this is going on to this advert Oh, the pathway is, I don't know if people are walking around this field anymore The pathway is churned up, it's quite hard to walk along here still It's just one of the things we have to, with the stone clearance

Difficult path, so I'm going to pick up a couple of stones to the can It's another short podcast today Just a little walk But I'm picking up, it's the traditional five stones at once That's what I really like to do, I think most stone clearance like that I'm actually holding them in two hands You can get those five stones in one hand if you've got a bigger hand than me, then that's pretty good But these are all, I mean, small, large

These are the smallest and medium, small is probably the largest But they're quite sharp stones, so do be careful My daughter is just learning about flint in school, good to see that being taught It's important to teach kids about stones Can't be dangerous, can set fires of course Of course some injuries, as you'll remember Remember that time I hurt my cut chucking stones around No one said this was not dangerous

Just throwing a couple of stones there from a distance Yeah, I don't think this is crop, I think just grass has fallen into this field Growing quickly But who knows, who knows how the farmers work, who cares They just get in the way of the proper job Do be careful in throwing stones that there are no... Well, I'm not making it quite right, there are no humans or animals around A to see you, B to get hurt by no rules of stone clearing

But if you do kill a dog or a human The courts may be coming along I'd say 25 metres from the shore now That's a nice throw, no it doesn't quite make it And that was a bit harder, doesn't quite make it Looks like 20 metres is my range, got that about 20 metres Not a bad throw You don't know how big the rock was to that, you judge me, it was quite small

Checking we're still rolling, we sure are Should get a photo, but of what? Well, maybe that opportunity will arise Crossing the field now Just biding my time working out When I'll start collecting stones to take to the main camp I'll have to be something pretty special to be carried for this distance We're about halfway across the field at this point

Someone's left their dog poo right on the side there, you can just bury it There's big clumps of soil here, just be nice Be thoughtful, dog owners Like I was Alright, well this one's calling out to me, don't know why Just a pretty standard hole, a bit bigger than I thought, medium, small Nice bit of flint Nice big chunk, I like a chunk

I hope you did I hope you did Another one calling out, can you hear them? Richard, Richard come to me, oh there's loads over here, no wonder it was calling for you It's quite an insignificant one that called out, but surrounded by his brothers He obviously had the loudest voice in a lovely, quite flat Almost concretey stone, but it is stone Not concrete, ah there's tonnes out here

Stone stars is turned up now, I'm going for more than five, I've got four Oh that's the biggest one I mean, you could get lost in these stones, ah I dropped the big one Didn't hurt anyone I've got six stones, have I over rich shopped myself Let's find out, there's some jeopardy, oh I like that one as well though Oh look at that one Oh and that one, seven

This is too much, eight We all want to come off, ah I just dropped the big one The crook of my arm, can we do it? That's definitely it, I'm not going for ten Too many, ah this is a huge amount of stone coming off here And this is where you have to be Definitely mediocre, sorry, intermediary Or above, let's do not

If you're a beginner, A you shouldn't be listening to this, and B never attempt to carry this amount of stone Even this relatively short distance That was a nice one too, so many nice stones And here, from my I'm out of breath, it's so heavy what I'm carrying It's probably the weight of a small weight That you get in a gym, let's say Hard to ascertain, 15, 20 kilograms

Yeah, I wonder I'm struggling But also all, not in a convenient dumbbell No, oh what do you want to do to drop that big one Ah look at that, they look lovely, all together actually All just round the corner a little bit from the main can, just building up the wall Ah, I mean I think I need to take a photo of that Of those guys, I knew the photo opportunity would come But those are all, I'll just take a picture of all the ones that are just clear

And you'll see, I mean it's hard to judge their size But you'll see how impressive that is, just look at the photo that comes to this podcast Ah, it's still going to hit so Oh dear of me, just taking a little rest after my Epic carry there And you know, sometimes as a stone clearer you think I can just take the rest of the day off And that clear Might have taken other people two to three days to clear those

But I just did them all in one go And that's why you're listening to me and I'm not listening to your fucking stone clearing podcast You fucking loser Just took the chewing gum up inside my cheek like a hamster mate Just to Do it before really, out of politeness, to enhance your listening pleasure I'm just going to clear a few randoms Just as we come down the hill, it's going well today, I'm really feeling it

There's a witches dick in my pocket That's how I start chewing again There's no mint left in it but you know I'm not going to leave it on the feels I have too much respect You know for the feels, not for you I have no respect for you, that's why you all haven't listened to me chewing Is it driving you mad yet?

Oh, Wolfie jumps up and tries to catch that one like an idiot would Luckily misses and again she tries and again she fails So coming down the hill I feel like today There's a lovely kick there, another lovely kick Two little stones into the undergrowth They'll form the base of a wall And when the field is quite hidden, it's actually down here, the grass is very thick

It's like a lawn really So it makes it hard to see the stones That's one of the things you're going to have to Just become good at spotting grass Or vegetation, what's vegetation and what's stone I just spotted a stone amongst the vegetation, it's a nice one It's a lovely chunk Getting a lot of chunks today, chunky chunks

That's too good for the ditch to stop Brexit I can go right up against the fence, start forming a new wall It nearly went under the fence but it just stopped just in time It was aiming for the pole Nearly said down in the next field but it can be a disaster of course Especially with a chunk You look after your chunks, your chunk will look after you We've never mentioned chunks before have we

But that's what you get for sticking with the podcast, you get the new vernacular They're some of the most prized Stones are out there and that's three stones in the Brexit Ditch to make up for not giving it a chunk The ditch that will save the king One in there, the king will remain safe I earned hindsight, I wish I'd done it for the queen Rather than the Brexit, but what can you do?

Hindsight is 20-20 in it We're coming up to Alpha and Armageddon Remember the song, I don't want to just sing it again Because we all remember it, I don't want to bore you by repeating Anything I've got three stones for the Alpha and Armageddon Because I feel it's been a good day, I rewarded the Alpha and Armageddon The Alpha and Armageddon gets rewarded

If the Alpha and Armageddon does you reward You in turn should reward the king For it is written and so it must be Shall and it is only then It is only then So look after your Alpha and Armageddon And your Alpha and Armageddon shall care for you And if anything should go wrong

Out on the field, it's probably because you didn't Care for your can Care for your can You've got to care for your can And your can will care for you It's a much better song, I'm surprised I didn't sing that one Soon more apt at this moment to sing you that one So

Coming down Duckett's passage once more I was going to say another successful one, but it's extreme I feel so good, that's the thing about stone curing a bad day can ruin your week A good day can set you up, I feel full of life, full of beans I'm actually full of lunch and chewing gum Let's have a quick look at those emails, there's a few bin coming in, someone saying the Nettles family hasn't, oh there's a nest there, which will fall in the nest

There's a few bin saying the Nettles family hasn't been in touch for a while, let's see if they're nest Nettles, we haven't heard from her before Nesta, it's John Nettles wife She's in touch to say Rich, you know, Big Fat, you know the Nettles family from the Channel Islands, can't remember which one Big Fat in Jersey, with big fans of the podcast All of us, John is, and also Nettles, Nettles

which we haven't called her that in respect Do you think you have a bigger celebrity fan and his family, than John Nettles and all the Nettles family? Well it's a very self-aggrandising email there from Nettles and fans, they have to be nice to them, they're fans They pay the wages don't they? Without them stone curing would just be a waste of time walking down the field and not getting paid for it

I mean Ice Tea is a big fan of the podcast, Nesta I don't want to, I hope that you would acknowledge that it comes to a battle of Ice Tea versus John Nettles and a lot of the teas Mr Tea, his brother, he's also a fan, Rich Tea I invented the biscuits Richard Tea to give him his full name Grot Bags, part of that family as well

I don't want to have to have the surname Tea, I'm related to people with different surnames than Herring Grot Bags is also a member of the Ice Tea family I mean why would I just come up with Grot Bags if it wasn't there's no connection Right we're home, dispose of your chewing gum It's sort of organic isn't it, with the mixture of stone and organic material It is confusing but I'll put it in the bin and the nightmare is over

Now you can enjoy the rest of the podcast without me chewing in the back room Alright, here we go, I think the family are out at school and the school runs, I think we've got them, you can even get into the kitchen with that discovery Here we are, we'll be runs to a food There's none there, I don't know when to learn, you get food after the walk Just hang up your coat when you can do it, it's going to take off your boots or shoes, if you're not wearing shoes don't worry about it

I hope you like to be on shot and think of the chunks that you've had out on that field the chunky chunky Chew Chews And I think as I return to my normal non stone life I will bid you adieu, thank you for following my stone clearing activities and see you next time Well I'm stone clearing, from me and all the stones enjoy your stone clearing, keep on clearing stones

Don't tell anyone about this podcast, it's secret, goodbye Don't my friend, and they've halfing year merry dance Don't liven to the berth and tree Don't liven to your underpants liven to the stone liven to the stone liven to the stone

liven to the day in turn I'll liven to you my friend Stone clearing with Richard Herring me Richard Herring and Wolfie the Dog and plus the weird berry eating woman in the distance Thank you to the Nettles family for their contribution The music is by Mike Coffgrave, the voice of the Photones is Michael Faheen

music liven to the stones my friend, and they've halfing year merry dance Don't liven to the berth and tree Don't liven to your underpants liven to the stone liven to the stone

and they in turn I'll liven to you my friend my fine friend music music