Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 134

Episode Date: January 19, 2023

Chapter 134: When the Foil Turns to Ftone. It's 8.45am on 19th January 2023 and the resolution to do a stone clearing podcast a day this year has not gone too well, but will definitely happen from now on. It's a podcast full of incident, with frozen gates, ground as hard as stone, medieval songs and poems, terrifying new tactics from the Ftone Ftafi and an attack from a muzzled dog. Plus Wolfie seems to be working against me. Loads of great tips on how to deal with frozen ftones and an email from a Scotchman.

Stone Clearing with Richard Herring Come on Wolfington When will you ever learn? We just have to stay still for a second We're going, we're going Wolfington stop being a dick We're going, just stay in one place We're going, we're going

Hello my finest friends Welcome to Stone Clearing Chapter 134 A very important chapter today The lock is frozen on the back gate Back through the front door It's a very exciting start It's, I don't know what day it is I don't know what time it is

It's 8.45 on the 19th of never Come on in here, Wolf, in this way We're going through the house on the back gate The back gate is frozen shut To make sure I find the front door key I can't get back in again Because the back gate is shut So this is an unusual

Little digression through the house Which isn't usually part of the Kitchen door handle broke off So that's all taped up Let's see if I can find my other keys Wolf's toy Well there's nobody rushing off Alright I've got my front door key

Very exciting this is I mean I guess sometimes You have to be able to improvise That's part of being a Stone Clearing If your back gate lock is frozen shut Now go out the front door So that's why I said this was going to be An important chapter already

Wolfie, come here Come here Come here Come on in Wolfie, come on Wolfie, come on Come on Wolfie, we've already Started, come on good girl

Already we're learning Some stuff had to be quite there there was there Stone Starzy right outside the house Anticipating I guess the front door exit there And that's why We can't underestimate the Stone Starzy Something beeping I don't know what that is Wolfie's very keen to get to the field

I think she's got a great big dump to do They will look at the evidence They'll look at the conditions They'll work out what's happening And It's a day in a human chef That's for sure And

They're off the one stuff ahead Dodged it Got through it Someone's got their milk bottle outside the house That's going to freeze Pretty cold is what I'm saying So I might even put some gloves on I'm going to let Wolfie off the leash

But we'll wait till we're up Duck its passage The ground is crunchy underfoot I think I'm going for a run later I don't know if this is good conditions or not But it's preferable to mud I think As long as she don't slip up on the hills The soil's all crunchy

It's kind of fun I'm nearly at the field And another stone clearing Adventure can begin But this is going to be a tough one The ground is as hard as a stone So how do we tell the stone from the soil When the soil becomes a stone

And that's how How do we tell The foil from the toad When the foil becomes our toad It's a question That has been asked by many a man And the answer isn't known We must try our best

To put our resolve to the test And not be put off by the cold Come and try And clear the stones in the ice Be young but not the under sixteen And the old Look at this I'm trying to get that one little stone

Out of the ground here with my trowel Everything literally deep in the ground There we go I managed to release one I don't think there will be many stones cleared today I've released a pebble for the alphanomic Which is looking pretty fine actually Wolfie's disappeared

Sorry that was an old medieval song About this very issue Obviously the stone clears are old There must be a terrible day for them Where the pickings are small And the licking's even smaller If you clear a lot of stone The maidens of the village

Would lick you all over And that's what many stone clears are Just working for the licking's in those days Well they're like a lot about the history today Sorry I wasn't anticipating That I was anticipating Giving you Much needed

Oh that's a nice I popped that one up with my trowel You really do probably need a trowel Or very strong fingernails In conditions like this You're really only looking to clear The surface stones Anything with any depth

I'll show you now This one's quite chunkly into the ground Oh I did get it up That's not too bad With a bit of leverage You can surprise yourself That one very much a furfifth stone For tone

And that's off But Slim pickings No licking's That's what they said And they were right And I will let you know next week Whether after this stone

Cleared my wife Or any other maidens of the village Lick me But I think it's unlikely That's my guess My cats might lick me My dog will probably lick me If he understands

I mean she gets it She gets why it's tough I'm walking right into the sun The sun is above the horizon The horizon No the horizon By some distance But shining right in my face

As I walk up It does It's beams Do not seem To be melting the frost There's no snow here Believe it or not The stone clears

And Manchester are dealing with Four inches of snow At them today Which is My thoughts and prayers are with you But here We're just dealing with the hard Frost

The hard ground When the soil is harder stone Ah One day there'll be a compendium I'm sure of all these folk songs I'll put together for you At the moment They're all just locked

In my brain Passed down By a word of man Out from one stone Clearing generation to another I suppose I've committed them to To tape That will

In 200 years time Sometimes you hear those Recordings from like 1880 That's some old Quavery voice Stove man singing the songs From the 1700s That's probably

This will probably be that Like that in the 200 years time People are listening to this guy What do you do When the stone Turns to soil And the soil

Turns to stone Then you clear the soil And leave the stone Because the stone is soil And the soil is stone That's a different one You might thought I was going to sing the same one As I did at the beginning

But you know That's already committed to tape You may have noticed I didn't change the SS2F there That was A song from the late 1700s When the

Stone Clears had started There was a brief period Where Stone Clears Thought they should Follow convention And pronounce the S as an S But that's not a convention

I'm prepared to follow Neither in this podcast Or in daily life It makes my life very confusing Or should I say Confusing I do translate Some of this podcast

For the casual listener Though there shouldn't be any of those I only want the most dedicated And I think Of all the things I want For this podcast That is probably the one thing I've got that are the most

Dedicated people Will be listening to Will be listening to this Or look and see if I can Take this one off Watch off the air Get that, that was stuck But a good kick

Is as good as a flick Is as good as a nick from A trowel or a stick Okay, giving you a lot of A lot of the old adjuice today New ones coming up I hope someone's writing all these down Just in case there's a

Sunflower or something That destroys all digital media There used to be a website Someone used to write down All the stuff that happened And then they Probably they must have died Out on the field somewhere

Because I can't imagine You would just stop If you started doing something like that You wouldn't just stop Because she realised It was genuinely getting on forever You can try and outpedant me But you never will

You can try And be more persistent Than a herring But what's the phrase If persistent as a herring That's the phrase Popular phrase everyone uses Well the leaves

Are tinged with frost And the frost is tinged with leaves And so the world does spin And so the widows grieve And so the sun doth shine Through clouds and hail and mist And so I lie me down Because the only answer

Is to get pissed Or pissed because That one would be I did translate out for you It's better than the original I am If you will a compendium Of these wise old adages

And delighted to be so Just checking we're still recording Maybe I'll take a picture Of the leaves while we Give you an idea of what I'm talking about Good job I checked there I somehow managed to Shut down the recording

Taking a photo of the Of the leaves and the stones Which will probably serve as the As the photo for this podcast I know something exciting happens Like an UFO landing or something It's a very beautiful photo That I think many people have blown up

Put on their wall Wolfie in the bushes Sniffing out stones Those stones have been cleared wolves There's no point in going looking over there And yeah I'm not really seeing Much of anything here My hands are tingling with the

Cold of death As death creeps through me From fingertip to elbow From elbow On to shoulder From shoulder to The neck So I'm scared to die

This way But I say What the heck That's just a bit of doggerel That one that's not really An official can See if I can kick this baby out It's basically off the field anyway

I wanted to add something to the can Across from the main can It's just a tiny offering There's another one here that maybe has rolled There we go That kicked it and it went on to the can That's always a beautiful thing to see We're going the long way around

Not the super long way around But across from the diagonal So we're heading up And there are quite a few stones Appearing, growing In this area that I've left A little bit untended Of late

Some of them are going to have to wait Until The sundoff melt The spoil Because the thyrongrained And the thyrongrained Go down deep Just peeking through

Like the first buds of spring But there'll be a few There'll be a few that are ripe And ready to pluck The stones are ripe And ready for plucking You're 16 And ready for high school

That's an inappropriate Old piece of verse That shows how things were in the old days I can't condone the stone clearance of old The attitudes to The laws of decency I would say Thankfully we live in a World where equality

Has been achieved And everyone is respected And that's all I know All right Just checking where all go Yeah, it's three minutes and six seconds Since the first initial breakdown Of communications

It would be a shame to lose this podcast But if this one's been corrupted Or isn't recording in my pocket Because it's fucking gold I'm putting it out regardless Trying to kick here Walsand, yes, manages it Wolfie scrabbles to pick up the stone

I took four kicks Three or four You can probably count them From the judders on the recording That's going into them A little used There's a sort of Sort of hedge made of

Just grass and brambles there That's very low down That could be easily replaced With a wall section Oh, and here we come to the I've got a nice one for the Singing re-entry The Witcher's finger

Which is dick there Oh, I think it's a new stick But yeah, I'm going to keep that Witcher's finger and Witcher's dick Still available If you win The monthly draw Go fast to stripe.com

Slash badges If you're a monthly badger You get interested into a monthly draw Every single month you're a badger One person wins a big box of goodies Including a stone clearing Membership cards That's the new one

Let's not talk about that And out whilst stock's lost And whilst I have fingers and dicks Oh, it will be Don't take that one off I threw that one off That's for the singing re-entry No wonder the elves are not coming out

There you go It's into the singing re-entry Wolfie's chasing it Yeah, so Witcher's finger Which is dick I've got a game that all the family can play It's an occasion to come up on eBay It's the only way to get a stone from the field

Though of course it's not actually a stone It's a calcified portion of a witch But we don't know if it's their finger or their dick And that's from where the fun It's just a bit of fun That's where the fun arises from It's a fun that comes out of a terrible tragic situation Of many witches being calcified and blown up

In the Great Stone Wars But they deserved it Fucking witches Wolfie, did you pick that stone up again? I cannot believe you That stone is to be off the field That was for the elves and the fairy folk They would have displeased them

Tended the throat So Wolfie's confused And then thrown in a different direction And Wolfie's not tricked She's going to try and find it There she really is the worst stone dog She's got it She's got the stone again

She's the worst stone dog I've ever seen Well this might be a bit more interesting photo The one we took So if we lose Keeping your mouth Oh Wolfie Now just try and see if we can Artificially create that photo for you

Wolfie Pick it up you bloody lunatic You're all happy to pick it up a minute ago, aren't you? Right, here we go No one will know this is an artificial situation You got it Wolfie, show me Show me

I don't know if this is right Let's take you and take you Wolfie, show Show them what you look There we go, that's it You've got the stone Right, we will throw this stone away Good, give it to me

It's not a game She's still going for it You've got to admire her Well, that's all happened today, isn't it? So that picture that I stopped the poker for Will not ever be seen by life They'll never be on anyone's wall Oh Wolfie's got like a whole bit of

Leaf hanging off the stone Why do you keep bringing it back on? Do you think this stone doesn't want to go to the edge? Or is that what you're saying? Drop it Drop it Drop it Come on, this is

If you have a badly trained stone dog This can happen, they get confused It's not in the opposite of what's intended Some of them can see the stones as their puffies Which I think is what's happening here with Wolfie At least I'm a thinker trickter And I've thrown it To a position you can't get to

Wolfie, come here Wolfie, come here Wolfie, come here Here you go Stay Just with all the larks and fun there Missed All the larks and fun

And oh my god I might be about to die The stone stars have done an amazing job One walking down the lane that abuts the field And another, oh he's just missed me Coming across the other field into the corner And another Coming across the diagonal

Blue-hatted lady I would say Sometimes men wear these long Some Michelin man coats Black Michelin men coats, don't they? You might be forced to Go all the way around The edge today Which you know will be an interesting excursion

But it was not in my plans But sometimes this is what we have to do The bishop move It's bishop or queen You can come diagonally across the field Of course And again another Stone stars, he passes me on the left

Down the secret thing of hearing me Discussing tactics and that is A possible death sentence for me I can't clear any stones here due to the It's wearing sunglasses I think it's sensible It's a little sun that is shining And that will help

Maybe I can Start going And then cut across the field in a legal manner To return to the sentiment we'll see And then dog off the lead There's a beauty there And I'm trying to clear this right in front of a stupid face Let's see how it goes

Come on It's not looking It's a beautiful clear It hasn't quite gone as far as I'd like But I haven't been down this way for quite some time So let's see how this goes up tonight There's some little stones towards this area

So there are a few to clear along the path That maybe old projectiles might But I think we've outplayed The stone starsy with Their baller move There has been So little activity out here Recently

And I'm doing an illegal move which will infuriate The purists and the stone starsy And actually just walking across the frozen crops To get to the diagonal So we don't have to bother ourselves going around All that way and getting a few extra stones That would have taken a while to clear Wow

Fuck That one slightly cut my fingers as it flew I think I don't think it's broken Enough skin to bleed And it didn't get right to the edge But hopefully another day If I ever go into that part of the field This part of the station

Has plenty still to clear That's the problem Just checking we're still running Because we don't want to miss this gold I mean it's a beautiful clear day Blues guys, a few A few for caddy clouds And another stone starsy

Maybe I've just been coming out too early For these lazy stone starsy But they have out enforced today The green Mixed with the white Beautiful line coloured Ground And

I'm presuming Wolfie did a poo When she just sort of ran off into the bushes earlier But she hasn't done one since So hopefully Sorry, I was just thinking about Wolfie's poo I know some people are only listening for that I picked up a stone, a cold stone A icy stone

Wolfie's excited But I'm not giving it to you I know what you'll do Here's another, I've got two now So pluck that one with a hand So not all flick It's not all not all a flickin' Not all stones a finger lickin'

So I'm there for pickin' And when you get a frostbitten finger That impresses the maidens of the village Not as much as a frostbitten cock, of course That's why Prince Harry will always be the Greatest stone clearer Out there with his cock out He doesn't care

Oh, and I'm holding four stones They are as cold as a lolly from the freezer Oh, colder And ting with fingers are tingling But it is beautiful It's quite apart from an easy jet plane I know, so it's a DHL plane Easing its way down

To Luton Airport In the distance I think it'd be great for the podcast If that plane could just tumble out of the sky now I'll try and Armagaman Is that what it's called? Armagaman Richard Burton

Richard Burton in that film Tryin' It's only a parcel plane So only a few people will die if I succeed The stone gods are with me Let them bring that fucker down Sometimes happens in my dreams The best dreams I have

Not as much as I bring the planes down But I see them crash Fuck, these stones are so cold And reminding me of the impermince of my life Oh, one of them's landed in the Twigs in the tree I'm going to leave it People in thousands of years will wonder

How that tree had a stone in it Probably figured someone chucked a stone And ended up there Right, let's go Looks like an archaeological find I know, it's just a bit of food It looks a bit like an axe head or something It's too deep

To extricate Let's go down It's going to be interesting to see if I can Gather five stones to the stone pole There's one But still some way away So hopefully Small projectiles

There's two A kick A pick wouldn't work But a kick did Again, the issue is I would have to walk quite a long way With some very cold stones in my hand Not wearing gloves

Oh, and the stone stars A double dog, double SS Sorry, FF Approach And I think that might Put the kibosh on Ah

Wolfie's keen to get the stones Jumping up, tangling me I've got three stones They're all Very small But I don't know if I'm going to get to use them Unless I'm going to be clever I've got four, which is an amazing

And this one's a decent sized axe head I don't know if I'm going to get to use them I might just pop them in my pocket This is what pockets were made for The cold conditions So when the pocket was first introduced Was a stone tray, I'm thinking, oh fuck These stones are cold

Only this gabardine Had some kind of Additional place I could place My small stone pole stones Obviously not the big ones Not for very long anyway Then that would make life easy I'm going really slowly in the hope

That these people will go past And not take a right left hand turn And confront me Checkmate me, in fact Two of them, one of me Much better having them in your pocket It doesn't make your hands so cold You can hear some beeping in the distance

I might just pretend I'm on my phone We're a good way to check We're still recording Plus convince these idiots That I'm just a regular person Still recording Quite a lot of emails Nothing to spam

I don't know what to do Quite a lot of emails Nothing to spam I thought Chris Evans has been touched And my plan has worked to perfection I have to say They're none the wiser I think they might just even be

Turning up and they're not turning off They're still going to be on the field So it does make it slightly risky If they just think to turn around They may see me They're pausing Very clever play Pretending their dog's

Lost to something I don't know what to do I don't know what to do Lost to something Very good play Played right by the stone pole They know what they're doing They know who I am

They've got a dog in a jacket I'm going to pull pause Because that dog's just staring at us Like it might attack us Hopefully they will call it in a second It will go along They can put it on a leash But not so far

The dog's just looking at Wolfie Wolfie's looking at the dog We're good 20 metres apart But the dog's not moving The dog owners don't seem concerned Perhaps they've put that dog there As a sentinel from the hell

To stop me stone-polling I can wait them out Take your fucking dog Oi What Hey Hey Get your dog

Get away Get away Get away Get away Get away Get away Go on Get out

Get out Very exciting A little bit of scuffle This dog's still reluctant to go Go on Not a fucking good girl This is a standoff The dog really doesn't want to do the stone pole

Very well played, Stone Star That's scary that She's muzzled But that's not a great sign, is it? It's alright I said sorry I said alright Don't worry

But I don't mean it And she doesn't mean it She's delighted about the It's full of instant saying This is a very exciting episode But it also means it's going to be difficult To do the stone pole I found another lovely

A side stone for the stone pole here I've got a pocket full of stones I've got to do the stone pole But these people Fucking lag in their way Even though I waited there all that time Can't have them sit there Just on the path

If they turn around and they'll see Number one Oh, just missed actually Number two I'm being thrown off By just looking at them To check I'm not being Spied on

None out of two None out of three The dog's looking at me None out of four One out of five At least that's something Can we make it two out of six Because I've got an extra one

Yes Two out of six That's not bad, I mean it's bad luck As I say Go to goingfaststrike.com A monthly chance to win a load A junk including The thing which is finger which is

Dick will stop last Whilst they're still on the field Remember there's Ten times as many fingers as Dick's Do take that into account When you're trying to ascertain Your own which is finger or Dick And

That will help Abnegate the bad luck there they're very well played from the stone stars I have to say absolutely fucking crushed me today it made me go this way I didn't want to go I've got to write it by the fence force leave it and that was a nice I thought it was actually a chunk of wood when it was a stone when a chunk of wood looks like a photon and a photon looks like a chunk of wood then you know that all that is good is evil all that is evil will become good that's the uh I don't know if that's true but that's the theory so that's uh good news if you've

got evil around you bad news if you've got good around you so sorry about that oh thanks you could thank me later depending on which is which um we are approaching the main care and I don't know if we're going to be able to add anything to it we'll see I hope we've got that uh I think that would be useful just for insurance purposes yeah we got it I think also I think we got it as long as we're still connected well I'm gonna have to trust that we're still connected it's hard selling take it out your pocket because of course the it looks like it's recording fine how are someone's dog

pre-bag on the floor there empty that's the dental drop I think well yeah sorry I haven't done this every day I get my new year's resolution up for one day which I'm quite pleased with longer than I thought I'd manage but uh it didn't quite matter a lot of you expecting one on the second of January and then still waiting like as if it was going to happen for several days I think after a while most of you accepted that that wasn't going to happen we've got a little stone there kick to stone it's gone on to the central can main catch away the main can even I get confused sometimes um see if I can check whether the I don't know why but it didn't matter if I think it's not

recorded it's not recorded and just check whether the bluetooth working yeah we're fine we're fine I think it's gonna be good I just you know sometimes you do a stone clearing podcast you think I hope that one works because that is that could win the Sony award that could be the one that pushes us over not that I want it to because obviously this is a secret podcast only available by invitation you've missed back to our big load of uh snotty spit there knows it's running a little bit sometimes good tip for you out on the field sometimes the reverse sucking spit out is better than the reaching for hanky that should mean you have dirty fingers though one of the advantages

of the cold is your fingers do not get as muddy and the filthy they're still a residue of dirt there though if you're a good stone clearer your your fingers should always be slightly brown because you can't wash it off after a while it becomes so ingrained it becomes part of your fingers eventually hopefully those fingers will turn to stone eventually hopefully someone will find them in a field and put them in a box and sell them as a witch's finger a witch's dick that is the dream can't happen to us all still uh we'll have to write the history of the stones gods the the witches at some point that's uh at the moment just those exciting snippets this is how uh drama works it doesn't

tell you everything and then you think oh i wonder what's going on there using the heel there to get that but actually i did so well that the stone has flown somewhere i can't see it i didn't get that far that's going into the bitch will stop brexit the heel is okay i didn't put that that's a good way of getting them up just digging with the heel rather than your toe it's a bit less painful and equally a bit more leverage there with the heel i've got some nice boots on today that are not quite steel toecapped which would help but they're chunky i've got this one for the alpha and omega k and will be pleased do not take this one and put it in your mouth so pretty much that's the stone clearing over for another day at least in the

podcast form obviously i'll be doing that be out here for another seven or eight hours once i've got the dogs back home will be this isn't for you not for you going right to top to alpha and omega k and which is suddenly the weeds around it have died down a bit looking pretty good i mean it should do because you know there's two stones on there every time we come around will be leave it have some respect for the alpha and omega gods someone's dumped a lot of furniture just like lazily by the back gate of that thing where the gate is broken i've tied that gate on with a bit of ribbon let's be annoyed must be annoyed right let's be annoyed brand new gate doesn't fit why be furious so as we head down duck its passage let's dip into your

emails this one comes from shadow muck tile shadow muck tile and just a little difficult to read in it okay hello it is a shadow muck tail this is actually i'm just reading this phonetically this is how it's written from squabbling bonnie squabbling where the tones mean more than anything i'm trying to clear the tone of the cocoon that's the stone of schoon i should say or scones i came out sounding a bit more offensive than it must have been meant to be but uh there was a wily guard sat at america i'm keeping it safe from the lock and key but i noticed that this year during the coronation of charles dotart there were the scones stone or scone will be brought down to england and i

wondered if you would like to help me steal it and clear it you know the guys who stole it originally became very famous and heroes so maybe i mean is there any need to steal it though because it would just go back to scotland but you're right it won't be cleared it is true if we want to clear it there's no good in the middle of a building is it in a glass case next to a scepter we need that at edge of whatever field it was originally found in yeah i'm on board uh shadow i'm guessing that's a sort of code name shadow mctyle we've got another one here this is from uh leon gallagher from oasis yeah now i've got some celebrity listeners formally of oasis oasis of course on the hiatus at the

moment but uh noal says there's a chance he would never say never uh leon says hi rich me how you're doing kusty hi from manchester hello um we've got deep snow in manchester just as i email any tips on how to deal with that yeah of course let me listen to one of the ones where it's snowy it's fucking heavy sound that's what he's actually answered my answer in his email which is nice thanks leon keep up the good work with all the music and stuff doing the music and copying the Beatles and stuff oh come on that's that's unfair i mean it's not unfair it's just a cliched thing to say i guess but because it's true all right look we're back in the house i'm coming the front door everything's broken everything's breaking

we're here i'm gonna give all of you some food so enjoy your stone clearing wherever you may be stone clear wherever you may be for i am the lord of the stone clearing sea and i'll help you clear stones wherever you may be for i am the lord of the stone you see cheers dudes take care see you next time uh hopefully get back into the new year's resolution be new once more all right bye stone clearing with richard herring and wolfie the dog starred me richard herring and wolfie the dog plus there was like so many stone starsy people in there it's hard to mention all of them but

that horrible dog attacking my dog was the main advocate there of the the awful anti stone agenda the music is by my friend and tree don't listen to your underhand listen to the phone listen to the phone and they in turn fall to you my friend my fine friend you