Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 16

Episode Date: March 15, 2019

Chapter 16: The Rattle of the Wind. It's March 15th 2019 at 8.40am and there are amazingly still stones to clear. After the stone gods attempted to fabotage last week's podcast with pocket noise, this week, they doth command the winds to blow this humble clearer off course. But Herring will not be swayed, clearing upwards of 23 stones off the field in this 40 minute odyssey. He will, however, have little of interest to say. The ever vigilant Ftone Ftafi are hiding well today, but Herring faces death at the hand of his arboreal nemesis. Will he make it home safe to his kitchen again? Or was this podcast discovered about the person of his frozen and crushed cadaver? Only one way to find out. It might have been better if you'd just heard the inside of his pocket this time.

Stone Clearing with Richard Herring Well hello and welcome to the Photone Clearing Podfath, the podcast part of me chapter 16. I'm not going to do the whole thing in Anglicanx and don't worry that will be coming and hopefully this week you are going to hear what I'm saying a bit more clearly than last week that my phone was in my pocket. So quite a lot of people have emailed in, Simon Weed emailed in to say I'd prefer it Rich when the phone's in your pocket. I said phone then I thought oh is that's the phone now I got confused going between two languages when I start dreaming Anglo-Saxon that's going to be the day. But everything happens for a reason I strongly believe that and I think the stone gods

deliberately made that podcast work that way. To test me, to test you, did you have the resolve to listen all the way through? Some of you managed to pick up quite a lot of what I said I have to say so congratulations to you. And just come in looking up onto the field to see my dog squatting and either weaving or pooing right in the middle of the field that's fine. And an impressive growth of whatever this crop is in here covering the field like green hair on the head of an extremely big person but I can still see a few stones here on it around there's quite a nice one. Try and throw them a little distance onto the opening can that's gone near enough to be part of the wall later and that one's gone right on that was a brilliant throw I

hope you enjoyed that at home at least it's the description of it. It will be I mean desperate to get out it's actually 8.40 on the day it is 15th maybe of March the dog has been in the house a lot longer than usual we usually have a bit earlier than this so desperate for a poo didn't let her in the garden for people who follow this for the dog poo news. But oh she didn't want to go there so she's going now nice size stone I don't know what scale we'll be using today I haven't thought about it we'll see what pops up well it's red nose day actually here today so let's make it a red nose scale that was about the size of the slightly squashed red nose for a clown to wear of course that's the kind of red nose I mean oh that was a leaf I thought that was a nice looking

stand there but they're having been led by that leaf which is often the way with this thing find a massive crop of I mean again I'm just in awe of how many decent stones these are all like a baby's red nose I mean I suppose you can push it out to like a if I get a really big one that'll be like that kind of red nose that some people put on their car but a lot of good size you know little smaller than a regular red nose stones all over the place here I'm not really looking out for other people yet there's the fence I like to hit it hopefully we'll ultimately destroy someone's had a fire out here

so yeah so well apologies to those of you who couldn't get through the last chapter I have no not real apologies because I have no respect for you this is a difficult business and you can only really put yourself stone clear if you're having a week just on the verge there that's good work good work hopefully um right in front of me it's playing the legs up towards at me and if you say I'm doing stupid and deserves derision oh that one looks exactly like an egg that's probably a dinosaur egg that's been fossilized sort of white egg the sort of size a a small duck right leg um let's not get into a different scale or confuse things today and yes it's uh you know it's not always easy listening to the stone clear podcast sometimes

it's fun there's a few laughs along the way accidentally probably not the point of it again I'm I'm trying to take this out of the comedy section I don't know how it's ended up in there um I'm back into the stone clearing section where it would be constantly number one that's what's annoying me um this is by far the best stone clearing podcast currently available I'm not saying someone else won't eventually ride on my coattails to a better one but I mean there's a lot out there you'll know uh Brian Bramble has a famous stone clearing podcast that it's not as good as this even though you know you can hear everything he's saying still do better if it was just try and if you're listening stick with phony pocket mate all the time and don't bother putting

the mic on don't bother recording it makes a waste of time um I know you'll come back at me we can create a little blur oasis thing going on I suppose but I want you know this is sincere I think your podcast is useless you uh you're an embarrassment mate and uh leave it to the pros as what I'm saying so he's currently number one in the stone clearing podcast uh chart just because I'm not in there though I reckon um I'm on the bed put my money where my mouth is and get into that chart if uh Ian tombs would allow it but many of you still are emailing him something though that you think this is the best that some people got so thanks for that uh

Brian garden bench um presumably you know the son of someone called gardener some good bench you got married decide they don't want my boys in faith that's their names represented he says um can't remember what we're talking about but he was very much a prior member he was very much approving of whatever that was and was on my side and thought I was better than um Brian brambles podcast which I don't don't like take this as a oh I'll go and listen that podcast to see if it's as bad as what she says just trust me it is bad don't I don't go and listen to that and then decide I don't actually prefer this one I'm going to listen to this one if you do that so you can fuck off we don't need you very much very much the core minister attitude to podcast I have if you

don't like what I'm doing yeah fuck off I don't I don't need you but please don't listen to this podcast yeah so uh we do another poo wolfie not too early today we've got some new food for wolfie and uh doesn't really like it which is now an adult dog so we've moved up to the adult working from the junior not really been eating it so god knows what she has been eating but I'm sorry about this wind coming in I hope that's not disturbing what we're coming to

as we go yeah and I haven't got much to say today I mean I had a lot to say last time and we've got a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of beautiful observations about staying down but I won't go back because as many of you did probably to try and listen to this cycle um as we go just picking up a few I mean on the red nose scale and that's it well it's a bit like a nose that one but if you took with your current red nose obviously the jet did bury it in size over over the years that would be about a third of a red nose so that would be a good one um

no one out and about I might be a little bit late for my dog wolf snapping up a few times in february but no nothing there kicking a few outliers into touch the second biggest can I've gotten but as you know the other side from the main can we're not crossing across the field today um just adding two or three little values to that we want them bounced off going over that's it's right I'm not going to put a size it for that and right by this can I haven't found my child by the way that's gone some good size ones there just oh when those two bounce back into their field so I will have to replace them trying to make that that can

it's progressing okay I wish I had my child with me today I'd say I do have an archaeological child I meant to bring with me it's a bit rusty in my garden someone gave it to me it's from my play excavating Rita I mean I don't really archaeologists aren't close to stone clearance but they are looking for very specific stones and often things that aren't stone even I can't really count on that I mean they're better on the side of my goodness they're better than who they are in that field but their selectiveness I feel is inappropriate oh and just like in the edge of the field here quite a few stones just lying I mean

they're sort of off the field really but not quite uh so I'll move those along a little bit maybe to another mini nest can oh let's chuck them into the trees here that's that one when you go is that it one of them escaped spade well those are now well off the field they're not coming back the plane flying over to Luton Airport you may have heard them with distance and again another little clue if you listen to the sound of that jet we should be able to work its height and therefore there's distance from me and I feel where we are in my garden next to the raid

like find the golden hair test for you to find out where I am I don't want them to but both dedicated maybe I'm going to look at some of my talents in real life so so is that that way out it's an easy get going as many of them are of course in Luton where the people I don't really have enough money to fly on proper planes so um yeah it's um yeah it's a very nice spring day I love it when there's a storm here when there's a little thing through the pot

making them seem alive and shut up with clean grass don't tell the trees because the trees don't have to know um oh we're seeing there hitting that storm bounce from almost right back onto the plane but that's quite far enough and a really lovely big stone off the field that I'm going to oh you can make it all that lovely on some three other big stones oh my goodness I mean I don't know if you can still hear me I hope so it's like they're staying down just entirely isn't it at the moment so

so we'll be having a snittle around here let's see what she's sniffing she has found a stone it's basically off the field of play but it's a nice size one that is I mean that's a good quarter of the way to being a car-sized red nose I mean the red nose bell is pretty if I do one thing on the floor that thing is actually thing through and then I'm mainly clearing debris from the edge of the field here that I don't understand how it's here this is literally on the left hand side of the path just before it hits the grass

it's technically still on the field it's quite enough to the field to warrant me taking off Wolfie I'm trying to pull up a tree a very small hole inside there and again that means last week you would manage to hear any of it I was there was a lot of dog walkers around that kind of suspicious way pints a move really into certain parts of the field so it's suspiciously part I'm a little bit late for the meeting with it perhaps afraid of the following the very suspicious people of this village perhaps keeping their dogs inside the fear of what may become of them I mean I've never seen so many stones on that as I say that left hand periphery of the path

it's uh it's you know some people are saying I don't hear those they're already off the field but that's not my way that's not my way my way it's not on the highway either and I don't think you should go on a highway so you need to clear stones that's through this there aren't any major stones there's a very very high depth there I don't think we're trying to get through the depth stones from there and it's already off the field and onto the road so don't do that my way is to attempt just to get the stones as far away as possible so we just

I'm just ahead for six months since I had those 30 to 60 months but I'm just at a thousand years I don't know any of the stone stones that's not coming back on the field it's coming back I can go out if we've seen that just by the fact that I'm still working with stone basically at the fields and there's still decent size stones to be had and those stones will actually make me go back on the field if you're laughing and I don't want to let that happen so we'll just get kicked because if you don't believe the stone can move you're going to believe in science or someone they can move and someone kicks them can't they

so science again proven wrong and look like I should be able to make a turn and get across the center central part of the field if they haven't done for a while but literally I'm slightly spooked by the lack of other people they may be trying to lull me into false sense of security for me so I become more blasé more blatantly my attempts to take stone they catch me string me up put me in a wicker man burn me to death these are all things that are still happening today you don't hear about them in the newspapers no one's to admit this is still a problem but it is a problem and it's a prejudice

I'm not going to get an eye on the question possibly the person I was just talking might not be saying it's been on for a while so that's the story of the career but when it comes down to it all right the lovely woman had bit too deep to get out my hand no no I'm nearly out of my middle so I'm doing I'm in the top part of the field the part of the field that needs to be abandoned in that field and as you can see I've been here though the conditions here are atrocious we've had to deal with all kinds of weather out here so I'm sorry but never I am just making a little sortie out into the next door field

and I have to say there are less stones lying around here now mainly because I've cleared so many of them but that's a good four or five another day my friends another day for you guys and they pop onto the broken bit of wall of course between these two fields again I believe I am resolved from any blame we don't need to go over that few still very cross but there are no rules the rule one of stone clearing I keep telling you there are no rules to stone clearing so roll two does slightly counter that with you must only stay in your own field

last night I came out and did a bit of a night clear I did you know somewhere you say hypocritically I did we on to one of my cans I forgot to mention as I passed it today again marking out my territory I'd be curious if anyone was through and saying anything but I hope I'm not in the distance there is a dog walker I knew they were waiting I'm currently discussing stones from I'd say a good seven meters from the edge of the field some nice ones there I've got to give you the size but there is a stone clearing now crossing the path between the big can and the second biggest can if you can picture that in the map

you've made in your mind I am now heading diagonally across the field probably is it too far to throw from here let's see I mean it wasn't one of my cans but let's see if I can just get a couple of stones closer to the edge Wolf is excited that one's not gone right to the edge and that one's flying off wildly again I think proving that these stones have a mind of their own that one did not want to go to the edge pull it off as if being thrown by a tiny child he didn't know how to throw sort of mid underarm I have hurt my arm I think I may have mentioned this it is significantly better I don't think it's going to do with stone clearing it is my stone clearing arm that I don't think it's going to do and it hasn't quite agonized so I'm not really able to throw

over arm at the moment which is a convenient excuse I've got six stones here three in each hand all mediums medium to small I know out here I'm still waiting to find it's been a while since I found a wafer I know they're out here maybe not as close to the edges I'm looking but maybe even there just out there here's my Moby Dick and I'm going to find it one day I mean that's a decent size stone for a one that's just right by the pot let's see if we can get that way down the stones now I'm looking to see if there's anything that I'm doing ah

no I'm not telling you what it was it's just a mini millennium fountain very flat ah but all through I mean this part of the field is just more stone than soil it's difficult to walk past them a lot of these beauties but I know it has to be that I can't carry them all it will weigh me down possibly kill me if I try and try to carry them all to the central can I did have an email about the central can not being cleat from the field I can't remember who sent it probably probably Brian and no not Brian he's had him probably Gareth Gareth oak might be an oak and I don't know if it's a good country it is I mean that's his

name but they there was kind of quite a heated exchange on by email about whether I was actually clearing these stones by putting them in the center of the field all couple of beauties oh that's a lovely one in the park that's the biggest of the day I mean that is at least the circumference of a car red nose in one direction at least and then it's been falling off the car and been run over a little bit my hands now pretty full of stones these are all going on the central can which I say is off the field a there's a telegraph poll here that cannot be plowed be there is a mini bush here that cannot be plowed see we are creating a beautiful display for the middle of the field one day this will be 20 or 30

feet high and then yeah maybe then it might encroach on what the farmer wants to plan but fuck him or her sorry sexes um probably both it's probably a family harm here so yeah a lot of stones going on to the central can the bush will one day of course be crushed and die under the weight of the stone but for now it survives there's graphic there's just no way this could be plowed yeah sure if you believe in plowing enough to take down the telegraph poll and cut off communications to my village which you know you might as well given how that they are used to the outside world fair enough but um yeah I think that's a good decent use of uh getting stones off the field just getting the middle of the field so you know yeah I can

understand some people want to say something about the field so just digging up a couple of my feet there that are close and just gonna toss them gently towards the central can it's on two levels if you're trying to picture it there's telegraph poll on a little mound and then a dip and then there are small stones in the dip one day that will become an amorphous mass a mass and people won't ever know there are two levels that some lovely ones there in the path can't get to those they're too deep I don't have a trowel some would say you can't take out stones because I want to come and just trying to have a couple of pebbles towards the can both actually going further

into the field if I'm honest again not because of my ground because of the will of the stones it's the will of the stones uh will be hoping for another she likes the game of catching the stones which is a convenient thing to me so I'll roll this one down the hill a bit towards we won't get to the can this way but it looks like an innocent game of catch between the man and his dog and there is a stone already six or seven meters closer to being off the field or further away if you count being telegraphed to be on the field then it would have been so I've gone back onto the field a little bit I've got a little one in my hand now just throw that well yeah we're heading down the hill

um the picking's got a bit weaker as we're heading there's a bit of sort of roman tile there get that off so I will pick up a few stones here again nobody around to see me as far as I can see very I'm very exposed here also my penis is out that's not true that was just an old bit of attempt at humor which is just red nose day um if you enjoy that joke please do donate to the red nose day fund of course I missed the whole day of stone clearing last week due to International Women's Day I mean that is kind of low level persistence as far as I'm concerned doing something for a day hardly counts as impressive yet stone clearing has not raised a cent or a penny due to English for anyone or anything and that is how it should be no one should

benefit from this except the future generation to see the beauty of monuments I have created then maybe feel like they'll give some money to orphaned aliens or something I don't know what the challenges will be in the future probably um to give oxygen to people who can't afford it am I right here they'll tax that next bit of a satire for the future listeners this podcast in the future um just kick that one a little bit closer to home have a drop something it felt like I had but I think it's just a dog running behind me and a nice little hole actually on this way down the field don't you often get as many as this I'll save a couple of them for the stone pole of maybe three and this and the others can go on the surprisingly poor

can at the bottom of this part of the field and just kick one there nice nice size very much like a red nose actually uh this can all with that the one that I picked up was rolled down the hill and I feel like it should it belongs on the canvas I've made an executive decision to pick that one up some say against his wishes I didn't say what I'm rich what you're doing is great like with stones that's what some people would say um so coming up to the stone pole get ready to cheer is it first time last time I don't know if you can hear that it's almost like I'm just pretending but I did so let's see if I hit it first time this I've only got three goes all close it's gone past the field second time if you hear it clunk not third time that one again

off the field of play uh nice big stone here that I'll attempt just to get at the base yeah hitting the base exactly what I was aiming so two out four not bad not bad at all my friends well I don't feel I've passed on much wisdom today sometimes it just feels like you have to come around the field and see what happens and see if anything pops up today that's a good last week amazing observations I made brilliant brilliant rules I became quite zen um it's a shame that only the most committed will hear it but that is perhaps the purpose of the stone god fucking out I might get blown off the field here today no pun intended there if you're looking for smut sorry about the earlier penis joke it was inappropriate I realised um

trees have been falling down in the country's light uh I hope one isn't gonna come and attack me it would of course be the revenge of the biological world and the floral world the arboreal world to take me down because I have so little regard for the trees that I'm a threat from everything that's the thing we don't understand about this job the constant level of threat that's why so few stone clearers survive that's why you see so few of them out in the wild the villagers are against me some of the stones are against what I'm doing nature itself mother nature biological nature certainly against me I know you're for me most of you not Brian um Bramble even though you're trying to do the same

with me he is more against me than anyone and that is the irony and I'm more against him so it's not that I want to um I'm just I mean I've taken a little step away from the park just to come try and feed my mate him a little bit and found a good four or five little stones together they don't even add up to one red nose they can't clean but they make in addition to the this the grass is growing long by the side here and uh so the stones have disappeared the grass but I kind of like that they're hidden but they are creating a foundation going along the way we just come the wall continues on the in this direction too as we head down the hill oh and the wind are baiting a little here thankfully and I'm just picking up

some literal the tiniest coverage you see now this one always a surprise it had a lot underground like a tiny pebble and that's what you get for not passing by any stones it's the parable of the man trying to collect stones who wanted bigger stones obviously because that's sort of better in terms of building a wall but was he was disregarding the little pebbles but low he one day he picked up a little pebble and it was just the top part of a much bigger stone beneath so leave no stone unturned turn the stones and see where they are even once you turn them take them off chuck them away the full um phrase they just become short and just because a lot the longer version isn't quite elegant

now jesus certainly was a stone clearer that much is clear he was not the messiah of stone clearing as some people think but just the pre sage of one who was to come it was jesus who said let he who's without sin cast the first stone and that was a little message to me in the future but i am without sin and so i did cast the first stone and also you know probably by now who knows 10 000 stones have probably gone from the field over the course of the last seven or eight months i can't even remember when i started it feels like forever feels like i'm trapped in a living nightmare where i've died and my ghost just walks the field throwing stones but imaginary ones into the bracken with the brian brambles sorry to brand the brambles we're approaching um

the part of the field where i have to throw a stone into the ditch to ensure nothing horrible happens in the world uh doing very well with that you may have noticed keeping you all safe out there and making sure brexit for example going without a hitch thanks to this work i don't need to tell you all the other things that it's prevented imagine how bad the world would be if i wasn't doing that i can't stop everything folks sorry i'm not god not yet not yet so coming to the end of the field uh in what has been a disappointing podcast that even i would have to say i would hope that uh this one has been obliterated but no okay of course it hasn't of course i stand god that this won't go out um again just that one person seemed so much in the distance the

spies either becoming much more adept or just backing off a little realizing that they've been they've been seen they've been made i'm just picking up a couple of little tiny pebbles just to put on the the camera as i go nothing of any work so i have to say i mean all stones are work but not things that have you learned about the power of the wise wise men told about stones so come here wolfie i think you've definitely emptied yourself of a lot of biological material and i applaud you for that um something went on the field doesn't matter if it's organic no need to panic so we head back home

down the muddy path a few stones around here they're not my concern it is a really big one i sometimes take it and put it on the can anyway shouldn't do that but sometimes it's just irresistible and there are no rules the first rule of sudden clearing there are no rules kind of clearing but the second rule is you definitely you never take stones from the path and put them on the can and pretend that you made the made that can in an official way that is heresy and should be punishable by death that's the second rule i hope someone's writing all these down for me i know someone did email in from scandinavia uh brian scandinavia not brian uh sven scandinavia his name was

and he had written down all the rules some of them were more atherisms and motos i would say um but you know he's from scandinavia getting the break i think i understand the subtle distinctions of what i'm hearing so on to the road this podcast almost over i'm just waiting for something good to come up and i know you are too could still happen might not the daffodils blooming here on the verge uh white daffodils with yellow centers and then the proper yellow one no i'm not saying some daffodils are better than others but

they should be yellow um and back through my broken gate to my old and here's my son at the table eating some food i'm gonna have to pretend i'm uh living a normal life uh and leave you there so thank you for listening oh hello darling you're right what are you eating no not that one i've got one now i locked myself out i'm letting myself in what have you got done going with rich charring starred me rich charring and wolfie the dog with just that one dog walker that was weird wasn't it right in the distance and ernie herring as well making an

appearance at the end he said keys uh straight after we'd finished the podcast it was very exciting um the music is by mike coughgrave uh the voice of the photons is mike or faheen