Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 169

Episode Date: August 15, 2024

Chapter 169 - Ftone Potatoef. It's nearly 6pm on 14th August 2024 and the Stone Clearing podcast is not coming to an end as quickly as Richard thought. There's at least a month to go, which is lucky, because it's Ftone Chriftmaf, waffocks! At last, after months of puny stones we have something to get our teeth into, which is tempting as some of them look so delicious. There's some tips on haffelhoffing and a new rule (there are no rules) about only travelling in one direction and an email from a famous person but you won't guess who in a million years. Thank goodness there's another 3-4 weeks to get this job done.

Stone clearing with Richard Herring. Alright little monster, shall we go for a walk? You're getting a walk, you've just had a walk haven't you? Looking at another one. I know. Of course we were late for your lunchtime one, weren't we? Come on, hello my fine friends, welcome to

The Tone Clearing with Richard Herring and Wolfie the Dog, chapter one, phase nine I think. It's the 14th of August, 1756. And the good news, I thought we'd be moving around about now, but the new house we're moving into is not yet ready for us, we'll have some work done. some work done. So I think we've got at least another three weeks to a month before we're leaving, be leaving this place. If you want to buy my house and be able to carry on my

stone-clearing work, do get in touch. Let's see, I'm just going to try and work out where I live, I suspect. I'm not going to fall for any tricks. Money up front. If you can provide the money, I'll let you know where I live. You have to buy it unseen. As you should. It's a snooker arena. It's on the doorstep of the greatest stone clearing field known to mankind. Ow! I smell nettles and duckets passage. I'm wearing shorts today. Anyway, it's probably a sellagondae. That'll probably happen. And if we don't, well, we might be living in this field. So just try to avoid more So I'll just try to avoid more nettles, more drum nettles in Duckett's Passage. There's nettles here and the nettles family get in touch so often. One of those weird coincidences is the dog barking at Wolfie.

The dog barks at Wolfie only when they're behind the safety of the fence oh my goodness well there's some changes it looks like it might be for tone Christmas or at least for tone Christmas Eve the all of the we just got stumps now of this well maybe it's like this before Looks like the ground churned up though so let's have a look. Yes definitely churned up ground and stones are plenty. It is stone christmas but uh it's good news that we're way off the alphanumeria cairn. They've thrown four towards the alphronomia ken and none of them have got on it. So I'm gonna do another three that's how many stones there are now. This is gonna take

us some time. Yeah it's fucking nuts out here for stones. The plough's been out. Can't move for stones. Oh that one missed them and then bounced onto the ken. That was a big one. Wolfie's very excited about all the stone thing thrown around. Right, I mustn't get too weighed down. I mean, I was hoping this might happen before I left, because it's really... I mean, it's badded away for me because they've churned up stones from beneath the surface, but that's good because, you know know I need to get those stones. It's something we

haven't talked about much because we're just at the intermediate level of stone clearing still but of course you're not just clearing stones off the surface of the fields you have to clear all the stones on the fields to a depth I would say of 15 feet to be sure which could include prehistoric monuments and all sorts of stuff so the plough is your friend will chuck up stones it's also your enemy because it will chuck up loads of stones and make you sad when you think you've got three weeks to clear the lot of these but the good news is I can get out and hassle off a bit now and look I'm just clear I mean there's so many stones I can't even describe them to you I'm just trying to

go for the bigger ones path two has been churned up, Wolfie's pooping. Gotta clear that one up, that's right on the path horse. Did not fancy going out on the field? So my joy at all these days is slightly tempted by having to carry a all these stones are slightly tempered by having to carry a bag of stinky dog shit around for almost the entire stone clear. From the beginning I could almost go back and leave it there and pick it up but I'm not gonna be that guy. The stink of life and of biology up against the stone cold, odourless stones reminds us that the differences between our kinds and why we can never be together and that chalk

that was so mysterious last time, a lot of it's been crushed up, there's a few little chunks of it I'm not going to clear that could stamp on it. Doesn't make much difference. Oh there's some stones here though, look at that. Look at this one. Now we're talking. That one's the size of a sheep's head. Like a sheep's skull. Beautiful. Size isn't important that's the first rule of stone clearing. Sorry the first rule is stone clearing, second rule is size isn't important but third rule is better for you when you get big ones. And after so much Scrabbling around

Between the crops Not being able to see a thing Suddenly have this embarrassment of riches. It's an embarrassment of riches It's something to behold just too many fence here. Oh shit! Caught up in some brambles. They've been slaughtered, they're dead. Twigs. They're on the field. The guy in the back garden's just blowing lawns.

I'm gonna have to not dump any of these stones. The review of him. We don't know what's afoot. Oh, I mean look, little Hasselhoff out. I found something beautiful, another strong medium there. Not as big as the last one. Will we see any large? Will we get to a large stone today? Will there be a stone too heavy to carry? I mean this is an exciting time for you to just hear this I'm sure. Just hearing the glee in my voice will surely be enough for you. Just a very flat stone there must be. I mean it does make me wonder, it makes me proud to play for England and hear the

crowd but it also makes me wonder whether I can complete this task in the next three weeks. If not maybe I'll commute who knows but I'm getting some good tonnage off this. I've already cleared more. There's another lovely medium there. It's not as big as the first one. I've cleared more off than I have probably in the last 10 stone clays combined already.

And I'm still on the bottom layer of the field. I'm looking, scanning the horizon, seeing if I can see anything special out there. All stones are special, some are more special than others. I think we can all agree on that. Hopefully doing a wee. Excreting, she's only just been out for a walk. Didn't do a poo then for the poo podcast.

I record simultaneously. So a lot of these look like little potatoes but I don't know what they are. It would be weird if there was potatoes on this field. I mean I just can't stop clearing. Now weirdly just the rivets, it's rivets of a ploughed up field and then the bits in between have not been ploughed up. I don't know if that means they've already planted stuff in these holes. It does mean that not the entire surface has been ploughed up so what I'm getting is just the stuff from like this probably half a meter between each rivet of each line so that's a lot of stones not getting dug up

there's enough here to keep us going for a little while this one coated in chalk still going off and into the brambles with it. Another man might spend his time picking those brambles. In another life I might if I was here with my kids but I'm not here with my kids I'm here with you guys. We know the truth. I can never tell those poor innocent children who think I love them. Oh man, so we're coming down to the corner, first corner or second corner if you can't play out for a week, what you should do, it's on the corner. How far will we go around today that's the question on my lips. There's not much time to talk to you because I'm just clearing stone.

The stone has dropped one but that's good, don't worry. Get it off. I'm not even one in a hundred I'm picking up I would say. Just taking a little walk across this crushed up ground. I've got my bag of dog shit still in the way. Wolfie's chasing after that one. It's gone off the field, will it stay off the field? Wolfie's got pretty adept at picking up stones and putting them back on the field. That's a pretty, that's a witch's finger or witch's dick that's so big I can't, wouldn't even fit in a witch's finger or dick box.

Gotta be a dick. I'm gonna clear it. Got a few of those boxes left if you missed them. Occasionally give them out as prizes on the monthly draw if you become a badger. I've just seen another one. give them out as prizes on their monthly draw if you become a badger I love these caramel circles that look like balls and they're not even that big so that proves it's not because I lost a ball that's why I'm not quite like it can't even find the main can here just throw them where I think it might be a bit of wheat down my

throat and there's a medium just lying in the pathway knocked into the pathway and another into the base of the trees another one here another one bites the dust of course Freddie Mercury famously had a secret stone clearer I've written a song about it. Oh look at this. What have we got here? Quite a big stone into the tree line it goes. Just there I'm going to flick, flick, kick Sabutio. Nice one, another one, another Sabutio. So scan the horizon Another one, another one, another one for Buteo.

So scan the horizon when you're in this situation. It may be your last chance for a year to get to the stones that are out a little bit further than they usually go. You have to get those stones too, it's not just the ones around the edge. There are fucking hundreds of ones around the edge. There are fucking hundreds of them around the edge. Let's take a little hassoff into the strange white chalky ground. As you can see in the interesting, there's like a boomerang stone, will it come back? It has not come back unless Wolfie gets it

well i'm not taking a photo yet i'm hoping i find a really big stone to take a photo of they're all a good size all of these coming off there's another good size all of these coming off. There's another. It looks like the surface of an alien planet now. White and straw coated like an alien planet would be, but with soil and stones peeking out including one tiny little stone they're just to prove I can plus a good small larch. Not all glory hunting this one's talking to me hey Ridge get me off you're only little but you've been you're a top of clod you've ended a top of clod and that's why you're coming off I think we're only going to do the short

clear today but I will be back for sure to try and mop up some of these cunts as I can get my miney hands on because this is why we stone clear. This is why those months of nothing, those months of famine, stone famine, then it's a glut where we've got to store up enough stones to see us through the winter. So excited, I've got to watch out for the stone stars, and like now I'm very visible. So are they of course, from a distance, their crops all gone. Come on wolves, I've got your dog shit here. And they're just nestled in a little hole created by the cloud, a little tiny stone called to me, said it's my time. I agreed.

And we're just coming up to the Cairn opposite the main Cairn. Let's pick up a couple of likely candidates for that motherfucker. Excuse the language, I'm very just very... you smell like this at Christmas and you have to have a sensual little child. Another potato stone. Looks so like a potato in the dirt and then you get it and if you tried to eat that you would certainly hurt your tooth. Not quite a disappointing little hole for the cane across from the main cane just two quite small stones but maybe we'll throw some towards it from the centre as we're crossing over to the primary cairn and there's

a few stones just in the pathway here. Can you smell poop in it? Oh yeah. Wolfie can you smell dog poop? I can. It's slightly a dog poop stink. Another potato stone. Maybe I'll take a picture of the next potato stone so you know they didn't even go off through it so casually. Maybe I'll take a picture of you the next one I see so you can see what I mean about potato stones. Just in a harvested field I think it makes you double think it's got to be a potato even though there were no potatoes here. Is this a clod of earth or a clod of stone? I think it's just earth. Gonna throw it and see if it explodes.

There's definitely some mineral in there, but I think, what's this, is this stone or is this? The chalk is giving clumps of soil the appearance of stone, which is something to watch out for. Here's a definite stone. Send me a little one more for your light coaching, you can use this one. Whoa, I threw it away, that went way, that went way more onto the field. I was trying to throw it to my right and it scooped round and went to my left and it

was too gentle to even get anywhere near the edge. No throwing from here, it's too far. Maybe a roll when you are crossing, you don't want to carry too many stones with you a little roll down the path it can stay on the path it's there for next time if Wolfie doesn't pick it up or your own dog of course if Wolfie's with you when you're stone-turning that would be weird anyway like the stone, I don't think that looks like it, it does look like an axe head but it's a bit thicker than actually. Wolfie's excited. I'm gonna throw these stones but I'm gonna start storing them up. This traditionally was the place, has crossed here. When we started we'd

find a lot of mediums. There's a nice medium. That's why this chem originally started, Michael, would see these big stones, take one a day, like some kind of amateur prick, may he rest in peace. Take it across, start the main can. He started something that he couldn't finish, he didn't have time. That's when I came up as young apprentice. He guided me without saying a word. And then he died of Covid I think. Certainly during that era.

Remember that? What was that all about? That's not really a potato stone, I'm not going to take a photo of that, but it's a nice caramel round stone. A bit too dark to be a potato. Even a dark coloured potato. Nice little slab here. Not yet seeing too much evidence of the huge stones that used to litter this area, maybe because some genius cleared them all.

That looks a nice one. Or a couple of nice ones. Oh, there are some good ones here. This is going to be a fun few podcasts. Hopefully the rest won't smell of dog shit. Oh, there is, there's a lot here. Nothing massive but remember when I used to come back clear more, get to the... I think that could be something that could happen here again. Sort of against the rules of stone training.

There are no rules of stone training, rule number one or or two you must continue in a motion not retreating backwards unless in exceptional circumstances but sometimes there's just so many stones you'd like that guy in the Indiana Jones trying to gather up all the gold sure I've mentioned that before anyway the main can is getting some nice booty on it, and I'm hoping to get some nice booty on me once the chicks hear about my stone clearing antics. Very sexy to women. Because remember I'm only allowed to break my marriage vows here on the field where no other laws apply. But listen to how many stones are going on to this volcano and how big they are. You can hear the heft, you can smell

the weft, or I can smell the poop. Just have a little look out this way just see if there's anything. No stone stars here, that's almost a potato stone, it's not good. Now I've picked it up it's gonna have to be good if I'm gonna take a photo. Those are nice little round oval stones. There's a lot of stones out here still to be discovered, that's what I've realized. No stone st he has yet. Right we're heading down the hill shouldn't be a problem finding some fodder for the ditch that stopped the Tories but where were the ditch that stops Keir Starmer clamping down on those freedom fighters? freedom fighters. When will that ditch arrive? That's my question to you. And just some tiddlers here coming off. I mean tiddlers, these will be big compared to any recent episode chapters,

but now it's considered tiddlers, given what I might be pulling out of the ground in any second. This one looks like a part of a bone that's a bit of wood as well, but that's not what I was talking about. I'm going to clear the wood as well oh, that's quite like a potato, I wonder if I can... it's not the best one. When you see it you don't think this is the best one I don't know if it's even good enough, but I'm going to take it just so we've got something I don't know if it's even good enough, but I'm going to take it just so we've got something. But it's not, there's two, this one's alright, and it's not even perfectly round when you

pick it up. We'll see what we can do better than that. But if you see that, it gives you an idea. That's the one we end up using. Gives you an idea of what I'm talking about, colour-wise, nearly shape-wise. There were much better ones than that, that was what I wanted you to know that looks quite like a potato but not like a nice small new potato down the hill we come and yeah it's been an exciting day for you as more than for me

I'm sure this has been probably very exciting for you to witness. This is, ah, I thought it was going to be bigger than that. Not a bad sized stone. And here's a nice whitey. I think only white from chalk. Definitely going to have some fodder for the ditch to stop Brexit. Don't have to get those out early. The Fibutio stone out there. That's me Fibutioing.

Just trying to look to the horizon. There's a lot of big clumps of soil. And they're all quite white. It makes it quite hard to spot big stones from a distance still quite a lot of stalks from rape seed plants But plenty of pianos here. That's a little reference to a Gary Larson cartoon. Not many would have got it, but if you did, email it and let me know. Doesn't make sense, there aren't any pianos here. They're just stones and plenty of them. So here's the ditch to stop Brexit and it's getting well fed today.

That should stop Liz Truss coming back. Let's hope so. And now for an omega cairn already heaving with new stones. About to get another mother load, a motherfucking load right in its gob face oh just dropped my poop well i could just sit here all day picking up stones it's not going to do that. Remember the rules,

always moving. The gentleman... oh that's quite a good potato stone. Can't be bothered to take a photo of it. That one's a better one. So imagine this one when you see the actual picture I'm using. It's going on the Alpha and Omega Cairn like all good potato stone should, no rules to stone clearing but that is one of the rules. If you find a good potato stone put it on the alphanamagic hen, they love a potato the alphanamagic hud. There we go, we've got it. So come here wolves, you've done your duties, you must be proud. Playing for England and hearing the crowd. We're playing for England not me at stone clearing. If there is an Olympic medal of this I hope to be the winner. Some of the stuff they've got on the Olympics, I wouldn't be surprised if there was stone clearing. But you know it's all said, it it is a pretty I mean I don't think it should be

there for entertainment as I've stuck with that all the way through this podcast series so I wouldn't participate and if I did I'd want a stone medal I stone medal. I mean gold is a sort of stone I guess. Right, oh just trying to get around the... there's that dog again. The dog that signifies the passage of time from the medieval times back to that. Let's have a quick look at your emails. Joanne Sebastian Bach, bit in touch. Hello Rich is me, J.S. Bach, yeah, the one from whatever century I was born in, who did music in, that's me. I discovered email before everyone else had it, wasn't much use in my day, but I sent these messages out, sent them some messages out, you know timed so they

would arrive on a certain date and this is the one I've sent to you JS Park. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do I'm reading the music. That's me JSBark that guy. Unless I didn't do that one. In which case I'm still JSBark, that's just someone else's tune. Anyway, my question about stones is, do you think anyone would ever write music using stones instead of crotchets and quails?

Well, you're the person who would know that, J.S. Bach, being a composer. Would that work? Yeah, I wish I could ask you. I don't have an email that can travel back in time. Alright. That was kind of dumb, I guess, to ask a question in an email that was going to travel through time in this way. But thanks for the music, thanks for the ideas, hope you wrote some stone. Try and think of a J.S. Bach pun that can do. Brandon Stone concertos. It's not really a best-known thing I can think of written by J.S. Bach. I think Bach is worse than his bike that's all I know so thanks JS bark for getting in touch right will we if you do want to buy my house and'm turning it into a stone museum. If you get in touch you'll need some proper money I'm afraid. And I need it up front before I tell you where I live.

And then I might just give you the wrong address so you can keep the money. That's the chance you have to take. Anyway that's one thick nine done. We're into 170 next only 30 podcaster goes difficult circuit should be in the next year or so depending how long I come back here right enjoy your stone clearing enjoy your stones hope you've got your stone Christmas as well I hope you found a few potatoes. Give them to the out-of-the-house for a number of gods.

Those are the rules. There are no rules, but those are the rules. Thanks for listening. Hope you enjoyed it. Don't care really. Bye. Listen to the stone, my friend, And they've a halfing year merry dance. Don't liffen to the bird fan tree, Don't liffen to your underpants, Liffen to the stone, Liffen to the stone, and they in turn

I'll liffen to ye, my friend, my fine friend Stone Clearing with Richard Herring starred me, Richard Herring and Wolfie the dog. Ah, that's about it, wasn't it? There was the dog in the yard and stuff, that's about it I think. I can't think of anyone else. The music is by Mike Coughgrade, the voice of the photons is by Michael Verheen and thanks to Johan Sebastian Bach as well for his part in the podcast. Listen to some of his tunes, they're good. Don't live unto your under-hands, Live unto the stones, live unto the stones, deliver to ye my friend, my fine friend.