Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 20

Episode Date: April 16, 2019

Chapter 20: The Ditch Yat Ftopped Brexit. It's the evening of 15th April 2019 and Richard Herring takes his dog out to do a fhit, whilst secretly going about his own work, to create a monument of such enduring glory that it will make the twilight years of his life worthwhile. It's an oddly sexually charged chapter, with Richard annoyed that the early promise of being seduced by randy village women has come to naught, but at least some of the dog walkers might be getting some. And even though Herring has his eyes on something more valuable than the tawdry rewards of a snatched sexual encounter, he does believe his quest has a few short term benefits, like keeping this country in the EU, as it has been for millennia. If you want a stolen stone or a cool T-shirt or to see a documentary about Herring's quest or just to guarantee another 25 episodes of this podcast in 2019 then donate whatever you wish to our Kickstarter campaign http://rhlstp.co.uk/kickstarter

Stone clearing with Richard Herring Hello and welcome to chapter 20 of Stone Clearing with Richard Herring Stone Clearing podcast is an evening one again it's 1722 it's the 15th of April 2019 of course pretty much any time of the year we'd still have a little bit of light at this stage but it's a bright sunshiney day in the spring before the ecological disasters ruined this country if you're listening in the future turned into a barren wasteland which the only advantage of it did mean stone clearing became a lot easier and that's in the future I am now thanks to

Stone Clearing able to step through time and visit any point in the past or future but I'll use that information wisely I'm not no spoilers for those of you listening in real time it's nice to be communicating with the future this is of course there will be no way of listening in the future as an explosion of the mason will have destroyed all technology that would have now the broadcast the podcast but listen let's not dwell on that this is a happy time it's 2019 when nothing's going wrong and I am again using the archaeological trowel which has been controversial both from archaeologists

who believe it's only used for the taking up artifacts and from Stone Clearers who believe we should use only fingers because I've always had a trowel I lost it that I've got a nice stone out there from the path I'd never got out by shaham so there you go but also what's quite interesting is as a result of using a trowel I'm not generally wearing gloves anymore and which I'd forgotten is does alter the experience quite a lot you get the warmth of stones in that I've just picked up a stone or the cold and stone usually cool I've just picked up a stone that has been sitting on the path in the spring sunshine and it's to

actually warm you could warm a cold it's more than my fingers so that's a nice experience which I wouldn't have experienced if I'd step on the gloves it's also surprising how cold the stones are even at this point of the year generally speaking but not today and that one's just an average temperature but it's nice to get that sensory appreciation back it's a long here a lot of home owners have started building little gardens at the back of the outside dead back fences which I'm sure is loud this don't think this stuff this part of the field belongs to them they've cheaply it's almost as if I try to stop the builder

of a wall suddenly putting little creative guns in the back behind their guns well they won't stop me and the foolishly thinks it will I'm nice about having a child this time of year is you can get in and some of the stones on the path that were there are two pushed down too hard to get usually and of course it's a bit more difficult to get onto the field the crops are there obscuring your view impeding access a little bit I think you can afford to make a few hassle hops out of this coming here but really it's good to get some path work in because remember the past will be dug up by the clouds in the future the

stones in the past and every chance of finding their way back deep into the field if you can get them off the field into the edge that should not happen for several millennia and if ever and so don't forget to go your path so don't worry about the path losing its integrity it's actually integrity I'm going to say the word integrity has no integrity just remember stones must go regardless of the ecological consequences so again no one out in field no one expect to make this time at the moment I will remind you of the Kickstarter campaign of course there's still running it's going okay we're

about 42% of the weight in total as I talk with a couple of weeks to go but over two weeks to go so it's been a long way to go though and it's www.hello.co.uk kickstart if you want to join in oh I will in a minute I'll give you one of the warnings I have to give you back using a trowel but don't let me forget I'll come back to that remember you can get to stone flooring t-shirts stone flooring rules in a padded PDF you can get you can't just get stone from the field in a perspective case which is a piece of art I fully intending at some point to enter both stone flooring and me one

as is me to sneaker for the term prize different years probably win twice and when I do that that 50 pound investment that you spent getting a stone from the field will suddenly be rewarded tenfold at least as you will have a valuable work of art one of the original stones displayed for artistic purposes or snooker ball if you go for that and not many artists a will sell me a piece of art for fifty quid but then none of them as far as I know will also chuck in a t-shirt a couple of videos and PDFs all sorts of emergency questions all sort of stuff you get there for fifty quid maybe a fangof had you know chucked in a t-shirt

did some of his early work he might have sold off your paintings when he was alive that's what I'm saying but yeah the thing I was going to warn you about just something I'm gonna have to look out for you the other day I was out an evening another evening don't open this field do a bit of casual stone coming and oh someone coming and that's right they've gone straight up and you know difficult stone to pull up my face above the stone and an explosion of little bits of soil maybe little even grit flew up into my face could have blinded me now I don't mind losing one eye if it helps rid this field of stones and that

is a that is a commitment I have made and I'm prepared to make but I just have to warn you that if you're using a child in this way do be careful you can wear protective spectacles if you're very worried about that of course the original stone clothes would not have access to that and definitely so you might want to consider where you too want to go with that but just health and safety there are no rules to stone-cleaning rule what is in fact rule one stone-cleaning no rules rule two is please wear protective eye coverings at all times but if you don't it is your

own risk and you're not able to sue any members stone-cleaning community for their advice so they get to just put one on there and a few bits of soil jumped in the air nothing dangerous nothing in my eyes it's a channel wasn't podcast in the one where I was getting the face I think you've enjoyed my reaction so I do have to get back and help with the kids today so it might be too long of stone clay now stones are calling me I might just take them a longer route than I intended couple of things they're going on the opposite can they can opposite the main can across the field looking quite good still all the cans one of the more

visible ones now with the which out will be with the grasses and plants growing around them and there are a lot of stones here in this pathway so decent stone that's a ground is baked hard at the moment it's it's a sign of their difficult spring and summer to come I think especially if you're using your fingernails like some of you want to remember one of those kickstart campaign wards is a video of me profession shot video of me doing some stonkling we have to see the techniques if you're finding me just talking about them isn't giving you all the info you require we just want to see what a man walking

around a field doing taking stands up looks like might be harder to hide the film crew from other dog walkers but we'll make out we're doing a documentary about something else and we find her another good couple of a nice size stones picked up there from path and just inside the field even at this stage we've been out here for a very many months I don't even like to count more months than one man could count probably about nine months and still is depressing how many stones there are just more or two feet away from where I've been walking all this time with a little spare water it's only there just picked it across the

path and yeah it's fairly did catch like one dog walk as you made her there's no one else around so you're thinking of parcel off out just in track somewhere in the field I mean I'm very exposed here if anyone were to just suddenly appear just see what we've got all the dogs coming herring through if you hear that there's not a lot of stuff out here in this opening quite a nice stone it's interesting that there's one big eastern and then beneath it three or four more clustered together I've come back from my little mission with five I

mean you know regular size stones are kind of when you're just envisaged your stone maybe a bit bigger than you're thinking there actually what I was about size just thinking but the others are just maybe one and a half for two times bigger than that worth getting off of course it's worth getting off any stone it's a it's a good handful of stones I know but there's a dog walk coming couple of dogs so I'm gonna have to look quickly with his accent throw my child in excitement but just pick it up gotta hide that or I might look like a murderer

get you on the lead will be get you on the lead we're ahead of the game Oh, Kefydan, watch out, watch out, it does mean there will be a little bit, of course I mean there's a whole strip to it, no stone clearing here so that's me looking up to the field a bit, the dog's running in the field, give me a bit of room will be hello there you are, yeah, fine thanks, come here darling good girl, come on I've got a mini Glock of Stones there, nice lady, walking them, I think she fancied me a little bit, she hit it quite well but you know you've got to, when I first

came to this village, the man shouted me in the streets, said welcome to the village, it's the ladies you've got to watch out for, I mean he sort of implied I'm very happily mad and I would never act upon it but he did imply that it was a soft, the village was, this is after I bought a house, this isn't the reason I bought a house, he did imply the village was like a hot bed of a bed hopping sexual activity, I had to say that's about the first woman under 60 who's talked to me the whole time I've been here so and you know flotatious sure but I haven't had to look out for any women it's been stones I've had to look out for and occasionally central heating systems trying to kill me but

so that man, I don't know what he was, I mean I'm worried that you know just the sexually voracious women of this village are, I'm too hideous even for them I don't know it's certainly been it put a dampener on what I was expecting the first year or so at this new location to be but yeah I will add I'm very very happy with the choices I've made which is lucky because you know you're stuck on here with and you're stuck with those choices there's no way out so good job yes we'd be nice to have a bit of interest sometimes it's all I'm saying just to keep the old ego going yeah that's by the way this is Richard Herring's

got a chance to have sync with sex with all the women in the village podcast there will be that podcast but it won't be as interesting as the song anyone certainly be less eventful. Heading up towards the top I mean I don't know what direction anything is I like to call this the the northwest corner but it probably isn't and I'm wearing my winter jacket it's actually a ski coat I thought I'd get no wear out of warm probably more than any other article of clothing I have this year so you know that's life throws up these unexpected things isn't it it's a very good dog walking coat but now in the spring sunshine maybe a little

warm but if I took it off a bit too cold yeah that's that's coats for you covering a lot of ground for this podcast I'm enjoying it so we're up by basically where the wall between two fields the field I should not go into but they can do go into and my own field actually haven't really transgressed in the silver in much recently have I even taken the trowel in there not sure I have there pulled that one up by by hands alone there for purists have you enjoyed that or if you're looking around can't see very much going on so we'll just nip into the next field see how things are going where the other half

live other half you don't seem to think that picking up stones is a good way to spend your time yeah straight away just lying on the top of the ground there nice flatty nice big flatter and yeah a bit hard to see too much else I haven't managed to oh hold on what's over here I've managed to pick up quite a few of these big ones just in my little jaws across here I mean these are the kind of stone that I was pulling up quite regularly on my field and start that can be something to be said that it's much rare for me to find stones of this size on my own field which is maybe why I come back here just to remember the

days when this was when you kick up five stones like this at this size just within a few meters I mean I think those times will come again on my field once the plow has been once I move a little bit further from the shore but I've missed it I missed them my friends so back on my field now don't worry we picked up five stones they've gone on the border wall I think we can all agree that is an okay place to put them just checking a couple of stones from me from my field back towards the edge there are a lot of stones in this little corner actually I'm now mainly obscured there's a good size on this side it's just I

think it's more certain locations where the stones have not been crushed up so much where big stones have been added to live for many centuries pretty much undisturbed it just happens to be that corner between those two fields but heading in now up the diagonal path it's a beautiful day I wish you could see this I wish you could be here with me you can just having two more hands there just to carry the stones I pick up as I go will be useful not coming on to you hey Wolfie can come off the lead I come back come by come by come by to Wolfie and there's a double coming behind me

luckily I saw that in turn so again I'm gonna have to have only one stone in my hand from this bag and walking that might be all I achieve might just be able to fly pretend I'm just tying my shoelace Wolfie come on come on come look from behind from another field that's a country that's what that's called in the stone clearing business come on Wolfie come on it's moving in quite a pace this guy come on Wolfie Wolfie is in the dog Wolfie come on let's keep ourselves as though I might as well go with these two

stones in my hand get into the center again Wolfie come on Wolfie come on Wolfie's ruining everything I'm going to have to go back the drop those two stones is the disaster come on Wolfie what are you doing hello there you go whoop no no she's seen someone on her own side she can play with come on I'm not sure they're that interesting Wolfie come on we'll hold her back there he goes Wolfie well I'm gonna say maybe a breath left in the skies because of course now I'm behind the guy but will I find the two stones that dropped had dropped them in

scrubland not sure where how far ahead of the field and then a cracker though just on the edge of the path so you know you'll win some and you literally lose some I hope but here they are there's the two together so now I don't need your mathematician to tell you that it's three quite nice five stones I've got that thing to Wolfie playing the long game the man now is back to me has no idea what's going on behind it I have to say we're a bit over friendly with Wolfie there touching her up a bit I know this has quite become quite a sensual podcastle just got the lead

we'll be you come off as long as you promise not to run after that dog you promise people and she keeps her promises Wolfie that's the nice thing I like about her I'm just picking up a couple of tiddlers along the way coming up nicely just by fingertip there try back in my pocket just for now just so we can experience things as they would have been those glory days I do have to get back home as I promised my wife I'd take over the childcare she's having good people around for dinner tonight they have no idea what a hero the husband of the person they're coming to see is I had my daughter and son around this field

the other day not just don't clear that would be sick for one not appropriate if you're letting your children clear stands please have a good look at yourself but we're just turning from the wreck on the bikes and I point out a couple of the mini nests in that corner it's not a corner I go to so much and I said to my daughter you know imagine the hero but that because you would have had no idea that it was me but you could see how impressed she was in her face someone I've collected all those stones some of them had seven or eight stones and more stones than she could probably imagine existed in one pile and she started picking up

stones herself as well took them home which I didn't approve of but there's not much I can do without giving the game away it's like it's like I'm Batman and my back cave and my daughter's in my back cave I think don't do that because then it would be admitting that my back cave is not a very good amount she's living just back then doesn't exist but anyway she's in the DNA she picked up quite a few stones she's picking up stones on her way back from school taking them home not that's not really appropriate she'd never remove rule one of stonkering is there now I don't know more stones than rule two it's just not remove stones and any circumference from from the field that's gone the edge of the

field mustn't bring stones onto the field either from elsewhere it's tempting I'm saying I've never not been tempted to bring on some big things from just off the field I'm not saying I haven't given to that temptation I've transgressed a lot of these rules but that's the kind of guy I am just while we're talking I picked up one big stone one just drop one of the little ones they have escaped is that it? I think it's our fifth one it's like that stone one to this friend to come off the man looking around a bit now I gotta be careful he's gone that way yeah so and yet the stones I'm taking off for the kickstart that is obviously a different matter I have permission from stonkering Guild to do that and also they will be cursed so if you

don't get rid of those stones they'll be worth another money one day but your you will be not guaranteed there will be no person who purchased of those stones because they've been wrongly taken from the field they may try to get back to the field you might please fly through your windows at night I can't I can't guarantee that won't happen I'm not making that go the rules are made to be broken that's one of the rules stonkering apart from the stone you can't get blood from a stone but you can get money from a stone but should you get money from a stone that is a age old question many of the stone players the past filled with glee at their discoveries would take me to town hope they could sell them to build rudimentary huts with

um those stonklers rarely live to tell the tale the stones do not like to be used in this manner I mean a lot of them might be moved off the field so at all but at least they accept that that is their fate so anyway arriving at the I'm a confused man talking to himself walking around the field I'm not saying all of this is consistent um arriving at the again this can I do feel like I put a lot of stones on that doesn't look like it's all that but it's growing it's growing slowly and arriving at the um the stone pole I was here early today actually through a big stone first go hit the maypole stone pole nearly may I'll garland it with ribbons when it is uh let's see I can do this it's from a distance first go one one for one or miss with the second one that's gone off the field

that's bad news second one's gone off the field last one's hit and gone off the field but that's still a pretty good impressive hit rate I hope you cheered when that happened uh you know so not much stone clearing news to impart to you hope you enjoyed this meander around the field we've got a little way to go still anything could happen we've got two dog lookers there made them talkative young fit dog lookers I'm not saying they're both walking their dogs and the potentials of knowing they can meet up uh make love with each other as apparently every one individual is doing with not me involved um but you know it's a possibility it's a possibility that I'll be thinking long and hard about tonight as I just think about the stone then think I'll go back

to things that the stone which is a safer thing for a man of my age and you know sex is all very well and good but it's a fleeting thing isn't it it's very very fast indeed it's over incredibly quickly and then forgotten um that's what I'm doing here the work I'm doing here will be remembered long after that sexual fluids have dried up and disappeared unless there's a pregnancy involved in which case you know it may produce a child which may in turn produce another child that might have some kind of long ft but the actual sex fuel act will probably be largely forgotten I don't remember any of mine and I found the beauty in a little of the path there there are quite a lot

of potholes now in that path and presumably they will just naturally fill in uh as we approach the main can and it's looking pretty good and the range is great and slow but it's partly because I'm eating out what I'm doing and just making a one layer wall which is not largely hidden by the grass but it's definitely turning the corner and I feel in a way as I turn the corner we have turned a corner haven't we in this podcast uh if you've been with me all the time it feels like there's a new maturity to it no an understanding of who I am how important I am in the grand scheme of things not that important and yes I build this in which case extremely important um and oh and very importantly we are approaching of course

the uh the ditch that's stopped brexit the brexit ditch many people are calling it um every time I go past the throne stone uh every time I throw in a stone that delays brexit just a little bit longer and you can say that that's thanks for all the dex brexit might have been delayed anyway I mean come on but really seriously I've been throwing a stone in there every time saying that brexit won't happen and brexit keeps on that happening keeps on getting this bone further and further uh as long as I keep doing it there'll be no brexit if you're a a lever file you may want to try and chop off my hands or something to stop me throwing stones in there it might be the only way to eventually make brexit come but I'll just

use my teeth and you know if you kill me I'll just pass on the location of the the brexit ditch and the England will stay and the UK will stay in Europe as it's always been for many millennia now part of Europe part of the EU the original stone close very much in favour of remaining in the EU other people thought they'd be levers but no don't make your own prejudgements they're showing you up there they're thoughtful people they understand the importance of knocking down walls not building them in a metaphorical sense in a literal sense they were very much the opposite so um just chucking one stone oh two stones in the brexit that should that should keep things going a bit longer mrs may hope you're enjoying there the work I'm doing

here to stop you getting on with stuff um maybe you and I should talk sit down around a table we can discuss terms and you know and then maybe you'll get your deal through but until that day I'm just gonna count I'm saying there stop in all bad things happening I don't expect your thanks to gratitude you know I'm doing this without a sense of responsibility I'm back at the entrance to the field where we started and uh yeah this can almost completely hidden by weeds but there's it just slightly coaxed through come on boss did you deal poo on this did you approve something in that fair tone that's not for a dog to use it stop it probably poisonous for any of you as bad as my son um

well it's you know I feel like it's been a relax one I'll go back to doing some morning ones I'm a bit tired and uh sleepy and I'm aware of my responsibility to the mannequins on the xu listen to the podcast not because they like stones quite the opposite because they're bored by them and want to sleep and I didn't I recognize I recognize that as an important function of this podcast you can use this podcast in any way you want if you want to use it and that's the way to I can't stop you I'm not going to encourage you to do that if you're sucking on the bar and dogs and older am I listening to it that's your choice and that's not something I'm imagining you doing when I am now because I've said it so like you know there's no way to say something about it

and so I'm just imagining it but I don't know what you look like so I've just really kind of focused of a barrel of old woman's dogs and uh just their anonymous mouth sucking on them that's what I'm thinking that's what I'm just imagining that I don't know my choice just because that's the whatever conversation went I mean that's a conversation so approaching the home straight the squares on there weren't bloody just gritting for a living there driving past on the way home from work in the rat race not knowing they could just be doing some stone clearing instead of putting grit out it's a very different job I pity them but I do this for them if you have a 95 job

I'm doing this for you as much as for myself and here we are at the gate my wife will be in the kitchen we might have to take care of it she doesn't know what is going on my children may be around especially important that they don't know some for the life of their father so thanks for listening do head to that kids that campaign though isn't that much time left there's a lot of money still to raise it'll be terrific if we get that and we can sponsor the Sanctuary podcast two people have chosen to do that no one has chosen to sponsor the we'll be away from that this isn't a good podcast yet we just want to eat our dinner

rather stuff i.co.uk slash Kickstarter and even if you just want to give a couple of quid it'd be massively helpful to me because everything's not that one so we've already spent the money and we don't have it so we're fucked if it doesn't happen but we'll get through we always do anyone else in that play in Edinburgh we'll find a way so uh just feeding the dog there in an early dinner and I'll bid you adieu till next week hopefully we'll be well over the halfway point time next week but do do join us in that Kickstarter account and thanks for listening enjoy your stone clearing let he who's a vaccine cast the first stone

stone clearing with Richard and me was sharing with Wolfie the dog and the lady walking a dog and the man walking his dog and there was something going on we all know it thanks to Mike Cosgrave for writing this beautiful music and to Michael Faheen the voice of the stones you could hear your name here just sponsor an episode at helistheper.co.uk slash kickstarter bye