Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 21

Episode Date: April 24, 2019

Chapter 21: Jefuf Chrift. It's a bright sunny morning at about 7.36am on 24th April 2019, but that won't stop Richard somehow making this podcast about sex again. And whether it's possible for a man to breed with a stone is probably the least controversial idea in this chapter as Richard expounds upon his understanding of the Gofpel and whether Jesus was a stone clearer (and one just sent to prepare the world for the true Meffiah). Some stones are cleared and maybe one of them might belong to you. Go to http://rhlstp.co.uk/kickstarter for your chance to own a curfed sftone (or an uncurfed T fhirt). No stones were impregnated during this podcast.

Stone Clearing with Richard Herring Hello there, welcome to chapter 21 of Photone Clearing with Richard Herring. It's 7.36am on the 24th of April 2019. The day after St George's Day although someone on Twitter did tell me yesterday that they were going to go and correct everyone because you can't have same days within 8 days at Easter or something along those lines. So in fact St George's Day is the 30th of April this year and that is the kind of pedantry I enjoy. Well we get to celebrate St George's Day and when St George's Day, yeah those are the questions that many of us are asking. Anyway this is not the place for that.

We're off on hopefully quite a quick morning stone clear. Thanks for all the emails that have been coming in by the way. Simon Alley, he got in touch. He's really enjoying the stone clearing podcast. Is there any way I can get hold of one of the stones from the field? Well at Simon as you know the first rule of stone clearing is there are no rules to stone clearing. The second rule is you are absolutely forbidden to remove a stone from the field except under exceptional circumstances and luckily few of these exceptional circumstances are currently available for a very limited time now.

You can go to rahelastopa.co.uk slash Kickstarter and for £50 you can get a stone actually from this field. Probably signed by me I might even do some drawing on it to make it into real art in a place back the case. Plus you get a t-shirt, a stone clearing guide. There's lots of different levels if you don't want the actual stone. But to be quick there isn't long left on that and if we don't hit the target then no one gets anything. So I hope you will take advantage of that but thanks for that email. That was very timely because there being about a week left. A little bit more in the stone clearing in the rahelastopa Kickstarter. So yeah I've just, as we've been talking, dug out a couple of stones with my archaeological child, a controversial archaeological child.

But to be honest if you were a stone clearer you wouldn't criticise if you'd ever been out there. It's easy to sit home as an academic stone clearer. I know many of you are thinking what you should and shouldn't do. But the more the spring goes on the more the ground here has become concrete. It would actually be impossible to get any stones out of here without some kind of employment. Now I'm not saying the stone clearers of old would have had an archaeological child exactly but they would have fashioned something. Otherwise they were basically saying hey let's not stone clear. Just three or four months, five, six months. It's difficult enough at this time with the crops having grown. You don't want to make things more difficult for you.

And as I think I've served on the last chapter, taking the fence there a bit heavily with the stone, which is one of my little things I have to do on one day I'm going to get caught and beaten up by the man who lives in there. Yeah I think I said in the last chapter what was I going to say? Oh it means you can easily work without gloves. You barely have to touch the dirt. Of course there's still danger of being cut so don't, if you're a young stone clearer or new don't, I think you can be so clear without gloves. But you can feel the warmth or the cold of the stones. Sometimes it's the price. It's a warm spring morning today but some just coming up.

You'd feel like the stones should be slightly warm but of course they've been under the cloak of night until about an hour ago. They're cold but also what I like is you can really feel the stones themselves. It's not just the temperature you should be looking for here. Hold a stone for a little while in your hand. Feel the smoothness, the roughness, the sharpness, the bluntness. The shape will get to know that stone so if you were to see it again in the future sometime you'd know hey that's one of my guys. How did you get here? Nice to see you back where I put you. Whatever.

I found a nice dong shape stone there that's called. You've got the testicles there a little bit. It's like the erect penis of maybe a man with a thick but not very long penis. I wouldn't worry about if that is you because that's a good thing. Of course it's more important. If your penis is made of stone that's probably something to see a doctor about. That was a lovely penis stone. I believe the town of penis stone is named after one of those being discovered, a really big one in its town.

I think someone else has done much here about that. So I'm just working on the path quite a lot at the moment which might be annoying to other people because there's big divots. But there are some amazingly big stones still just cemented into the path and the ground I have to say is like concrete. That's my point about. I'm not saying stoneclothes would have a metal tool. They would have fashioned something with a point that could dig down. They weren't stupid though stoneclothes quite the opposite. They were some of the most intelligent men in the world.

That's why people feared them so much. Just as today anyone doing this has an intelligence that to stupid people they see what they're doing is stupid. But you could say the same about Copernicus, Galileo. Stupid people look at them and go, what are you doing mate? The sun goes round the earth. You can see it happening. That's what a stupid person would think. But they looked at it and went, no it's the other way around mate.

I'm clever and you're stupid. And that's the same as this. Now you might say, well some stupid people shouldn't be stupid. And they could say that they're clever than everyone else. But actually some of them must be stupid. But yeah, they are. But not in this case because you have to be clever to stoneclothes. So what I'm saying is stoneclothes, they would have fashioned something.

Maybe a wood, maybe from another stone. Who knows, something with a point on. Oh my goodness, that was a massive surprise. That was a real iceberg there in the park. I thought I was digging up just something the size of a very small penis. And it's a millenium falcon again. And a toy one. But actually that should go in this reasonable pile here.

This is the corner pile. I'm trying to spread all these piles into walls now. So I'm not too, I'm more concerned with breadth and height. I don't want to attract too much attention to what I'm doing. Keeping this whole thing very much on the down low. So nobody will suspect me. And that's partly if you have big, as we discovered, the main camp has been, people have signed up,

people have put stones on it. Well, we wish you a happy Christmas or whoever had a Christmas. And it draws attention. Whereas very slowly growing, very low walls are starting, especially now with under the cover of the nettles and weeds that are growing inside this field. We all act as a surprise. People think, what, was that always there?

Was that not always there? They won't believe their own eyes. And so yes, you have to be clandestine. You mustn't let people know what you're doing. There are no rules to stone clearing. That's rule one. Rule two is never let anyone know in any form that you're doing stone clearing. Never tell anyone about it.

It must be, not even your family. My wife doesn't know. My children don't know what I'm doing. I've hinted, perhaps, just because I would love them to know that a fire isn't just a boring old man who's doing nothing with his life like they think. I'm a super hero. And you know, I don't think that is too strong a word for it.

In fact, I don't think that's not strong enough a word for it for what I'm doing. It makes it seem like what I'm doing is a fantasy of 10 things. But what I'm doing is real. I'm working here in stone and stone is the best medium. I was very, very happy and upset as I'm sure you all were about the Notre Dame Fire which happened as I was doing the last stone clearing process. I didn't know it was happening at the exact same time.

But interesting to note that the stone bits from Notre Dame are still standing up and it's the organic parts that are gone. And that is why, my friends, I work in the medium of stone. Right, I'm going to, I have to get home quite quick today. But I'm going to take a chance. And I've been clearing stones. I hope you've been able to hear the ping of the touchdown. All the stones coming up.

Some nice ones. That Millennium Falcon is definitely the pick of the bunker so far. I'm meant to get back as soon as we're going. I've got to drive my wife into London. I've got a few appointments. And I don't want to be late. She's dealing with the kids. I should just have cut across there and done a short 20-25 minute walk.

But so I'm going to try and boost it up just for you to a bit further. So I'm going the long way around. Oh, it might be too far. I mean, she'll never hear this luckily because it's secret. So she'll never know that I am willfully disobeying her orders. She doesn't give me orders, but, you know, she strongly suggests and gets furious with me if I do different than she says. Beat three.

It's fine. This podcast is not about that. But I'm going to do a bit of a longer jail and go a bit faster. So I won't be stopping for the smaller stones today. That's your choice. You take this at whatever pace you want. You could stay out here for 20 hours a day. That's what the original stone clerics would have done.

They'd have slept here. Some even clearing stones in their sleep. But you have the luxury of living now and not then. And if you want to do this once a week, once a month, that's fine. It's going to take a long time to clear this stuff. It's like, I think I've said this before, it's like buying three lottery tickets. Increases your chances of winning, but not significantly really because you're not going to win. So, oh, just seen another great stone in the park here.

Not as good as the other one actually, but still a brown. That's interesting brown stone. Sort of light tan colour. About the size of a regular potato that's been gone rotten and smashed and stamped on. That's what I'm looking at here, but I'm feeling the crevices. It's not smooth. It's wrinkled. That's what I'm talking about.

Get to know your stone. Simon Wolfie. Another Simon. Quite a lot of Simon's emailing. E-mailed in. A lot of emails coming in about this. To say, you know, is any texture of stone better than another, which was quite given I've never talked about.

That was quite upsetting to realise that might come up this week. No, each stone is individual. They look so similar. To a casual eye, you go, well, that's just a stone. There's a stone. But when you feel them, hold them, I'm not asking to make love to them, but treat them as lovers. Treat them as you would post-coits or love a rub.

You're hanging all around them. Just really get into any crevice you can find. You just have to feel. That's what you do after you've made love. I'm not saying you make love to the stones. I'm not saying you shouldn't make love to the stones. That's your choice. See this one?

This is a nice sized stone. It feels like a sort of pear. It looks like a pear that's been chopped in half. Very smooth than the chop. Last night I was out and I... That's what a tragic sight of a stone buried in the ground. But it had obviously run over by a tract of shattered into four or five different splintered pieces.

It was sad to see that stone destroyed in that way, but also beautiful because that's how new stones are born. And nature, of course, as you must do. Those sibling stones all stayed together. It was a hard job because there was a big lot of shattering, and I took them all to the same place and laid them together. They were family. Richard from Harper's emailed in saying,

you know, I know we shouldn't be making love to the stones. I don't know how I knew that. But, you know, obviously we've discussed in the past about urinating on the stones. We have done that. Maybe this is the same Richard even emailed in about that. A few episodes ago, a few chapters ago. Is it all right to ejaculate your sexual fluids onto the stones?

Is that not even a better way of marking the territory and becoming one with the stones? And maybe, I don't know, by some magic-creating stone, human hybrid that would go on to live forever and bear your gene. It's a good question. Richard wants something I've thought about quite a lot. I mean, do be careful. If you are going to do that, it's probably better

to collect your gametes at home, carrying them in some kind of pouch, and then deposit them through a pipette system, I guess. You can take chances. I mean, obviously there's a danger of sperm death and that, which I suppose there is in just whatever women produce as well. This isn't just men. Whatever comes out of women.

Eggs and stuff, I don't know. Yeah, sure. I mean, I don't think a woman could create a baby if I put in her eggs on the stone. That's crazy, but I think a man could do sperm. And there's nothing to stop women trying, so I'm saying. So yeah, I think to do it in the field, at least if you're in a state of very graphic excitement,

you can somehow build yourself up without probably having your hand in your trousers, because that might attract attention from the other dog walker. And then just the last minute. I mean, if you suffer from premature ejaculation or you can make yourself come very quickly. Something I can't do, ladies, if you're listening. It takes a long time for little Richie, especially as he's an older man.

So this is turning into quite a sexy podcast again. I'm sure a lot of people are finding this very sexy. And then, yeah, sure, you can direct from the source, and then I think it's probably a better chance of creating a baby with a spurtile stone than you would have just with a bag of semen. I don't know of anyone who's done it, is what I'm saying, but that's not to say you shouldn't try. So yes, Richard and Harpcher.

Sure, I won't go over the stones if you want, but there are no rules to some things. So please be careful not to be caught doing that. This is a pastime about transgression, but I think that might be, you know, I think a lot of this stuff, if the police were to come to the field to see what you're doing, I think you would probably mainly get a warning

even if you're urinating on the stones. You could say outside mech or short, a hairy police man or woman would understand what that was like, but if you had your genitals exposed and were flicking away or strumming, I think that you may end up caught. A prison sentence would be likely three or four times, and I think it would take a lot of times to get a natural stone pregnant.

I think that would be hard enough to get a human pregnant sometimes. So my answer, I think, is give it a go, but I would probably use the pipette system if it was me, which, you know, just because we've got the same name, that doesn't mean it is me. Sorry, you know, this is an adult podcast. Stone Clearing is for adults. So any children listening to this,

please turn off five minutes ago so you didn't have to hear that. Please don't listen any further. This is a very grown-up podcast, and we're going to cover some controversial issues, including whether stones can get pregnant, and, you know, I think they can. But even if they can't, you know, putting your DNA on those stones,

that is a chance that in the future someone will be able to identify exactly who you were so your secret will finally come out after your death, which is fine. Also, maybe able to, in the future, maybe able to take your gametes and create a clone of you, or even reanimate you in some way. And so then, in that way, perhaps that is the only way we can... It's worrying me, you know, because this task, I've realized,

I've been doing it, you know, nine months, something like that. Doesn't look any different out here than we did before. There's a few more piles of stone, but I mean, I think we laugh, but I'm going to build this with laughter for the amount of work it's taken. How am I going to do this in one lifetime? And maybe the answer is it's going to take many lifetimes.

Maybe we have to be resurrected. And I don't want to be controversial to any Christians listening, but is that what happened to Jesus? Not the wanking on the stones. I don't think he did that. I can't rule out entirely. We don't know everything good. But was Jesus a stone clearer?

And was his resurrection an attempt to carry on clearing stones? I mean, it's something to think about. That's what I'm saying. I'm not saying I'm right. There's a lot of theories about Jesus, but if you look at Jesus' work, he talks about stones a lot. Just this Easter, he's pushed back a massive stone

to get out of the tomb, or just because he was trying to get that massive stone to the right place in the field where it would make a brilliant wall. I mean, you know, if you found that stone, that might have been what resuscitated him just knowing that stone was there. And overcoming death that way. We don't know.

He was at that sin and cast the first stone. He's saying you have to be pure. That's what that's about, to be a stone clearer. If you are pure, you've never sinned, and I have never sinned. As long as you don't think we are ejaculating on stone, which I haven't done, is a sin. Then you're allowed to be a stone clearer.

That's what that means. Look for the boulder in your own eye rather than the splinter in other people's, saying, yeah, use your eyes to look the boulders, not the wood, isn't it? It's all there. If you read between the lines, Jesus was at a time where you would literally be crucified if you were caught stone clearing.

So, you know, I'll leave you to draw your own conclusions about that. You would literally be crucified. It's in the Bible. It's in the Roman records. Oh, there's the man with the lots of dogs. All this time just talking about wanking on stones and Jesus. I haven't been looking out for other people, and there's the man with four or five Labradors there.

There is another lady in the other corner of the field. In this game of human chess, we have avoided contact so far, which is lucky I hope no one was there. I felt there was someone scurrying behind the bushes in the path by the other side of the field when I just started talking about wanking on stones, and I hope they weren't because I wouldn't anyone want anyone

anyway to hear what I've said today. Oh, yeah, there's the woman. I think there's a woman who's been behind a tree and now she's even got a dog. She's got a red coat, is all I know. So I've been out for 21 minutes. That's not bad. It has been a speedy walk of 40 minutes at this point because I've been stopping to gather stones.

But on that walk up as we were talking about Jesus, I did pick up five or six nice stones. If you see anything else in the Bible about stones, do get in touch. I'm sure that's where being stoned to death came from. Why would you choose that as a punishment? It wasn't a punishment for being too obsessed with stones, maybe in a sexual way, and that's what I'm saying.

That would be an ironic death. You would say, well, crucifixion, why do they crucify them? Well, because it's putting them away from stones, isn't it? Keeping their hands, their feet, they can't do anything. They're up above the stones. They can't reach the stones. And the biggest thing is that, of course, they are being attached to organic material. You'll find all this in the history books.

If you want to do more reading about it, this isn't a controversial opinion. You may seem way outweard and even offensive to you. It's just a theory. Nobody knows. But when you start adding all those different things up, it's hard, isn't it, to think, come on, why would they put someone on a big cross? They will cross with them with collecting stones.

That's there. But come on. There's no reason to kill someone by stopping their limbs from working, is there, that crazy? You can just bang them over the head, chop off their head, shoot them with a big gun of some kind. That might not have been available to Jesus' time, but Jesus could imagine one of us.

And I've crossed this second part of the film, and I've picked up one stone. Partly because I've been talking about this, my controversial religious beliefs. Anyway, I don't think Jesus was the son of God. I think he was a stone-clearer. I think he was there, possibly the herald, the prophet talking of one who would come,

who would stone-clear even better than he, the real Messiah. Again, Messiah, interesting. Messiah, someone who's clearing up a mess, and is higher than everywhere now. These stones are a mess. These are just things to think about at home. I'm not saying you should worship me as better than Jesus,

but he was 33 when he was caught stone-clearing. Oh, first time for the pole, so I didn't tell you it was coming, but you'd have heard the hit. Oh, just missed it the second time. That's gone beyond the field. I've just missed it the third time hit the fence, but the first time hit is always a good thing. I'll just have one more go with the stone,

and I'm surprised that I'm not even... Oh, yeah, hit it without even really trying. I just used the force there. I'm sure Jesus did stuff like that. So, yeah, I just want to say that all of this stuff is only one man's opinion. One special man who's been foretold that he would come. I don't know.

I don't know about that. I'm just a person, as far as I can see. Someone who is very dedicated. Someone who is more dedicated than most. But anyway, we're back to just less controversial topics than spunking on stones and saying you're the new Jesus. We're approaching the major can now. Again, this is not a very fecund part of...

I mean, fecund there, not fecund. Part of the field, though. I am discovering some quite nice stuff on the path, which I couldn't get to before the uproach channel. This one's... Yeah, this is a big impact that can go on the main can. Great quite a hole in the surface. These holes were filled with time, with soil,

and I can't reiterate how hard this soil has become. You could literally use this as concrete. It's harder than concrete in many ways. You might say, well, it's harder than concrete, which how you're getting a child into it to dig stones at? Well, I am, because I'm good at this. That's how... Yeah, I'm passing a few little stones.

Well, as you walk along, just stones that somehow found their way into the path loose. They've been loose. Oh, and there's a dog clear coming. I've got to be very quick in getting these three down onto the... without being seen. Wolfie, this way. Come here. It's far enough away, I think, that we can avoid this dog walk,

as long as they're knocking down here. But if they follow me, this could be a bad news, because I won't be able to do my Brexit stone camels. Yeah, I think we've avoided them. If I can't do my Brexit bitch stone, who knows what will happen? So, hopefully that will happen. I'm carrying a big, I've got to trowel, which is a bit of a giveaway.

Just a positive that way. Waving at a dog walk, pretending I'm a nice, normal human being. He doesn't collect stones. Come on, Wolfie. Good girl. Just do you not just act normally, Wolfie? Don't give anything away. I've been out for 27 minutes, which is about the time I said I'd be. I said I'd be about half an hour, so it's been quite well.

I didn't cut this short. Imagine if I cut this short, and you wouldn't have had any of that, if I hadn't gone that way. And that is, it's like, have you seen the film Sliding Doors? It's a bit like that. I'll give the woman's gone the other way, so that does leave us open to getting some Brexit bitch stones, which I really have to get out of the pathway again,

because there's just not much around here, but also the field is so high. Oh, and that was what I was talking about with siblings down there. They're really formed pieces. It's tiny shards. I'm going to keep those together. They're going in the Brexit ditch. And increasing their power. I think maybe they understood what their job was there.

Thought, well, one stone might not be enough to stop Brexit this week, rich. Let me help you. I will shatter into shards of sharp. I'm feeling on my field. This is sharp, flint. But now five times as powerful as it was when it was just one stone. They're also, you know, a lot smaller in the pathway. Those stones will hopefully, as I throw them,

manage to forge themselves together. If they can find something to stick themselves with, which, you know, again, that could be, that could be your role, Richard from Hertfordshire, whoever you are, into the Brexit ditch. They go, oh, they didn't make a plank. I don't like that they didn't make a plank. But there's a lot of vegetation down there.

Hopefully that's not a indication of anything negative. The word to say pretty safe and nothing bad has happened since I started doing that. So I wouldn't like to be responsible for anything going wrong. So just picking up another couple of my stones out of the pot. I just put them in the opening can. They're really good stones. I've just been walking over the pathway. They still need to take off the field.

Remember, they will be plowed up. They will find their way back on the field if you don't get them off the field. So I hope you enjoyed today's podcast. Today's chapter. Do remember, there's a very few days as I talk left to take part, get part to that Kickstarter to get your very own stone, to see a documentary about stone clearing, to get a stone clearing t-shirt, which I think is going to be really good.

Hopefully the t-shirts will be available to view this week. We've got top designer working on them. And by that, I mean a good designer, not designer. He designed tops, but he does do both. We've had a brick in the pathway. And this is sorts of illegal, but I'm throwing that back towards the field. Making a nice stone for something in the wall. That's sort of wrong.

What I did there was against the rules of stone. But there are no rules for stone clearing. I just couldn't resist it. Look too good. So yeah, so do check out those t-shirts. Go to rahelastopper.co.uk slash kickstarter. I'm hoping we might not need to do any more kickstarters for rahelastopper with the way things are going in the rest of the year.

Got a few other plans. But I might do a, I'm sort of thinking I might do a specialist, a low-target stone clearing kickstarter later in the year, just in case we need topping up funds and stuff. In which maybe I write a book about stone clearing. That would be the only way that you can get hold of it. We'll see. Maybe a pamphlet for poorer stone clearers.

You know, a big five back for those prepared to invest. If you really want to get better at stone clearing. We'll see. These are just thoughts going on in my mind. You know, I could probably try and think of doing some proper work that would advance my career. But you know, that's one of the things that stone clearing has made me realize. Our petty human concerns, our ideas of success, and failure.

The rat race we're in, not important. Not at all important when you see it all compared. So what I'm doing out here, real important work. Very important work. So that's it for this week. I'm back within, pretty much within the half hour. So my wife can't say a thing. She doesn't know what I've been doing,

or all she thinks I've been doing is walking the dog, which, cleverly, I've managed to do. Very cleverly. Damn! Anyway, we've got to get ready to go into town. So I will give you a jet, and give Wolfie some food. And we'll see you next time, with Chapter 3 of Stone Clearing.

Hopefully, you'll all have joined in with those kickstarter rewards by then. Thanks for listening. See you next time, on Photone Clearing, with Richard Harris. Just, err... How wrong are you setting up here? My compost bin here. Not important, is it? Bits of food. Who needs food when you have stones?

Stone Clearing, with Richard Harris. Start with me, Richard. With Wolfie the dog. Nobody else, really, in this week's, apart from the woman who waved at me from a distance. Thank you to Mike Cosgrove, for composing this music. Thank you to the voice of the Photones. Mike or Faheen, get your name in these credits,

by going to rahelastapa.com.uk, slash kickstarter. Bye!