Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 23

Episode Date: May 8, 2019

Chapter 23: Ye Calm After Ye Ftorm. It's approaching 6pm on May 7th 2019 and Rich is already regretting that he didn't record his last stone clearing jaunt where the Stone Gods showed their displeasure or appreciation (it's so hard to interpret) of his work by sending a storm of fire and ice to punish or reward him. He also chats about how he is prepared to lose one eye (but no more than that) in the quest to achieve is goal and how he hopes he can die out on the field. Has he run out of thing to say about stone clearing? Would people still listen if this was just the sound of a man stone clearing and not commenting about any of it? Why are all the other dog walkers involved in sexual trysts whilst he has to weave crops together to find love? How much more rambling will this become as Herring becomes older, and at what point will you decide it's inappropriate to carry on listening to the disintegration of a once cogent mind? But is not that very mental decay the artistic point of this whole endeavour? The immutable though ironically mute stones remaining unchanged as all around them atrophies? Who knows? Eventually there is some good advice about dealing with nettles. So worth hanging in through the bleak middle section. Oh and did I mention that there is now an unofficial stone clearing website? It's here: https://www.stoneclearing.com/. Richard Herring is not responsible for the content of this site. Or really anything that he does from this point onwards. But this site is by some anonymous stranger, hopefully not Bryan Bramble.

Stone Clearing with Richard Herring Alright, come on with me, Harris Let's put that thing down Here, I'm going to switch it on Corby, come here See you, Ernie Bye bye, I love you See you later

Bye Oh, those purples Look They have no idea Wolfie just trying to jump in front of a car She has no idea They have no idea what I'm up to Welcome to, I don't know, what is it? Chapter 23, Chapter 24, I think 23

Our Photone Clearing with Richard Herring Let's see if I've finally managed to clear the fields Probably have Those are our children's socks, they look like them Some socks on the wall I think they're our children's They're by our car, so probably You know, you can become observant

When you Stone Clearing Wolfie is very keen to get up the leash There she goes, she's off And, er Yeah, it's a shame You weren't with me Over the weekend on Was it Saturday?

This is, by the way, it's It's the 7th of May 1753 It's an evening Stone Clearing It would have been the most amazing podcast There on Saturday, I think it was on Sunday No, it was Saturday Been a bit of hail, then the sun came out

It was set off on a beautiful sunny day And then, just as I got A quarter way around the field The sky's darkened And as I started across the field There was lightning, thunder right overhead It was terrifying And then I started being pelted

With hail stones Which, I mean, that's too much of a coincidence, isn't it? I was Stone Clearing and stones fell on me It seems clear The stone gods, who are either punishing me Or rewarding me in some way It's hard to know which, because if they wanted to punish me They could just throw proper stones at me

Which would kill me Hail stones are the I mean, in many ways The, er The confetti of the stone world Although they stunned my face It would have been a brilliant podcast Just to hear me yelping and

But the fear, because I was genuinely worried I was about to be hit by lightning and killed I was thinking about Myocological trowel in my hand Or even in my pocket would act as a lightning rod I literally saw the lightning, you know Within probably half a mile Right in front of me

And knew that the storm was progressing towards me And I thought I'm about to hit by lightning This is how I'm going to go out Stone Clearing I mean, it's how I want to die Not yet, not until the stone Just, I'd love to be struck by lightning Just as I clear the final stone As it leaves my hand

But yeah, are the gods rewarding me As they think I'm doing a good job By sending stones to the sort of celebration Like at the end of, it wants to be a million air When someone's got a million pounds Or was it a Sign of their displeasure about me The fact that

I haven't done it yet But due to the Kickstarter We've been doing, and it's success I think if you did join in with that It's now over You know, I will be removing stones From the field To send out to you at home

Who've, few people who've Requested them And perhaps the stone clearance Stone gods Possibly angered by that I'm sorry, I'm just Distracted by some stones here Going for ones in the path again

Someone's been out with a With the old Scrimmer along here again I think they're going to see Quite a few of the stones that I've thrown Over the Over the last few days into this Fence

So yeah, so it would have been Fantastic theatre, I mean I hope it happens again And I hope that when it happens I will be recording, and I hope that If it kills me, I will be recording I did think it was worth losing my life For the dramatic

And comedic irony Of Dying whilst stone collecting But you know, stones, I've tried to kill them before The apricot stone I choked on, if you've seen Whatever show that was, I think it's Possibly happy now I discussed how an apricot stone tried to choke me

I didn't know That my life would be guided by stones At that point That was like the stone gods giving me an early indication Where my life was going Perhaps saying You know, this obsession with stones Will not kill you today, my friend

But one day it will kill you I'm well aware That the other day I was out, I mean I've been out A few stone coins that I haven't Broadcast and podcasted Because I'm not nuts, I'm not going to Literally do every single time The time before the lightning

I did get into like a big stone In the path Which is where, mainly where I'm working The field is Just full of feckoned Shoots, it's hard to see anything out there You can just step out there and Find an occasional stone, but it's much more

Difficult to work And Pulling my archaeological trail down Into the earth to try and Release this beast of a stone that I've been walking over For months without realizing It was there I found a big one there

In the path, I was talking about Is that what this one has been Sending down, that's a good size I can compare that to Like if you cut a paperback Book in half, that's what this would look Like Not a very thick paperback

Book, 300 pages maybe That's what I'm talking about Anyway, I was trying to dig this So now it wasn't coming The archaeological trail was getting Bent and bang, then the thing Just exploded a lot of stone Dust and dirt into my face

And my open eyes And I did think for a while I might have actually blinded myself I know that's happened once before And I think this is the actual spot The place I've been Coming up to the place where I saw that stone now

And Again, I think I said Is it worth losing an eye for this Yes And I concluded it was Luckily that is fine But for a few days it was sore For a few days I was wearing

There was maybe a bit of stone So then they're working this way Backwards into my brain But so far I've survived Just as far as I'm aware And I'm wearing a suit as I stand clear again today Going to try and discuss this last time A, I can fit back into my old suits

But B, some of them Are quite moth-eaten And so it seems a shame They're all expensive suits It seems a shame to just chuck them I can't really wear them anywhere Where people are going to see me There's holes in your trousers

But I can wear them out here As a sort of raggedy businessman Going about my work My work is to clear the stones It's showing a sort of respect to the stones That I think they deserve And I think if you respect the stones The stones, if they see that respect

They'll respect you in return So if you're wearing a sort of I think £400 Poor Smith suit from Four or five years ago I've got some wear out of it It's not the end of the world It's been moth-eaten

The stones will appreciate that Because again it's Showing the Of the non-stone world Cotton It's just a plant Cotton could be grown on a boat A stony field

And it can make amazing things As can stone of course But those stone things will be there So It looks like a nice couple of stones Popping up together again I'm worried a little bit about my eyes I do have sunglasses on as well

Probably not my hair most of the time You should maybe invest In some safety goggles If you're going to go about this work Seriously and concerned about Your eyesight No long as I have one eye I think I can carry on

With this stone clearing So the loss of one I wouldn't be a problem And as far as I know the stones Have not yet worked their way into my brain No one around at this time of night As usual it's always a little quiet And it is in the morning time A lot of people only walk their dogs once a day

My dog needs to be walked three times a day Makes life tricky Means again A lot of exercise Have not done all those walks But usually a couple of them And Yeah now lost over two stone this year

Not just because of the stone clearing Of the dog walking I think it's contributed If you are looking to lose weight To take a dog for a walk Clear some stones See how it works for you But it can't hurt

Just there's been stone clearing there On all the time while I've been talking here Of course Just picked up a couple of Just mediums Small mediums Which are going on the Quite long can

I'm building opposite the main can I think I'm going to take the long way Around today Going out later with my wife To see The Avengers movie Might give me some ideas about

How the stone god's religion is going to go But they're jealous gods And they're furious gods And I have to say That The hail storm was a bit scary I was literally right out in the field With no escaping the punishment

Of those Icy stones Cutting Into my face and head Stones and yet Very soon They disappeared into water And were nothing

And seeped into the ground Perhaps this is where stones come from Perhaps hail stones Beads That will become stones No one in science does not know the answer I don't think it ever will So it's a lovely calm evening

Of course it's We're heading into the spring time And It stays light at night I'm still wearing my ski jacket On loads of things But Enjoying the solitude out here

And wandering lonely At a stone That lies on a field all alone That's much better My best start than Wordsworth came up with He didn't think movie He didn't think more permanent than a daffodil Which is a lot of fucking shit

When you think about it You need some work but It's Yeah The poetry of the stones Outlasts the poetry of me and man This is their poetry When it's part of the metal

You can hear there but it seems to I'm knocking into the stone out of my hand So yeah, fairly casual The Time of stone clearing of course in May You really are impeded By the crops It's fine to clear the path

I keep reiterating that That doesn't need to be done because The plough will take these stones up And return them possibly to the field So just get them off the fields And they can be doing no damage And very much looking forward to that plough Coming and

Revealing Those stones that were hidden underneath The Surprise really and Maybe this Maybe not that much Eight or nine And still

Very much Mainly Getting stones from down right at the edge of the field And yet still This path Is giving me Stones Of a good size

I mean a good average size stones Just plucking them out every Two or three feet Still avoiding them and ignoring A lot of stones I'm passing Just will be awaiting for their Turn My fancy turn today

Those for tones For how to be taken But for now They stay where they are Another couple of mediums there Where once more really Just Because the thickets around the edge of the field

Generally hasn't been streamed There's too many Too many plants around to really Spot most of the cairns I've just found one of the cairns and Right by it Couple of nice stones in the path So I'll get those old guys out

Looks like they're saying hey when are we going to join our mates It's now It's now my friends Couple of sibling stones there They were one Now they are two They shall be together forever Again

And heading up towards this Certainly more Second part of the field I mean if I do take a few Steps out Yeah we can see I'm out in the stocian now What a photocian as it would have been called

And pretty much It's more stone Than sort of old mist of it And there is quite an Impressive Cairn here We'll just gather a couple of You know good medium sized stones

These aren't the size of a paperback book Even half a paperback book There is more knowledge in one of those tiny Stones I mean if you're human Human books More experience More about what life is really about

I mean you know existence Rather than life Arguably stones are not alive But we don't have time to get into That argument today Ah Yes out to the cinema tonight You know I don't just

It's not just all stone clearing Stone clearing stone clearing The old west And that's a Surprise chunker there A chunker A chunk of stone This one the size of an apple

That's then been Smashed around a bit I guess You can hear them clicking and clacking their way To their new home And again mainly path based But just a little step out into the field Yeah just A billion stones still here

Right at the edge Good news for the I think 153 people Who are waiting for their presentation Stone Haven't started collecting those yet You'll only be getting tiddlers mainly The ones who pay a bit more will get slightly bigger ones

But You will have a piece of this field To enjoy Forever to pass down to your families And you'll say yeah no I paid 50 quid for that And your family will go only 50 And you'll go yes

People laughed at me when they Heard what I was doing but they're not laughing now That's what's going to happen So And the music of the stone I hope you heard that beautiful music of the stone It's there again better than any Human music that you could make

You know I'm Sebastian Bach It's a word Dicking around on a harpsichord make get out in the fields Chuck them stones together Write that down Oh and my dog spotted another dog I hadn't spotted Making all

I went up to the corner of the field There was a boat in One field And this lady is Killing up the central path I'll be following her but she'll look quick I Don't know if she saw me

What I was doing She's got two dogs, Wolfie's run Leaping over the crops to see them I'm not interested in return I The lady checking the phone pretending To check her phone Wolfie

The dog's more interested now Two black labs Wolfie come here Come here Good girl, come here I said good girl, well done Sit Aren't you good

You're getting better every day my little love We mustn't concern ourselves With the dogs of this world My friend or the log dogs either That has concerned ourselves solely With The dogs that are some stones I ran out of

I ran out of I just rode through that one half door There is another dog walking across the field so Tragically I think My Journey The central pole might be Impedded

I'm going to take a different route I'm going to make my journey a bit longer I just have to check because I've got a film to get to Yeah, I think we'll be okay Might have to pick up the pace a little bit, Wolfs Someone's Skulking around by that central Pole there almost like they've spotted

My edifice that I've created there I want to be parking it Maybe a few stones here that I've tried to lob On the edge Landed Not quite at their target so it would be good to get those babies out And that's a nice sized stone Again out in the path though

Can't take too much pleasure But it still takes some pleasure Because it's another stone off the field It's another brick In the wall And I think only now I really understand What We were talking about

When they wrote that song Might run out of stuff to say That stone going but I'll crack on Crack on trying Think of new stuff to reveal New Corridors to go down New rooms

To discover I noticed Brexit still hasn't happened I'm not saying that's down to me but It is a bit of a coincidence If it isn't down to me I'd like to know who it is down to Again apologies to any Lever files

We were hoping to get out Not sure we're going to go past the Brexit pitch Tonight but it's kept the world pretty safe I think we can all agree Nothing really bad has happened Turned into stones Since I started making that sacrifice

Yeah I found some nice stones here I should really be describing the stones that I'm finding Do wear a suit out on the field If you're not going to be naked you might as well dress up As what I'm going to say But if you are naked All the better Yeah there's because I don't come this way too much

There are some nice pickings here Oh that's the biggest of the day That's the right millennium falcon there Not full size One day One day we're going to full size one Come watch I could let Wolfie off their lead now

You can probably hear her running through the leaves The rustle And that music is nothing compared to The music of the stones I think we can agree And when I say the music of the stones I'm not, don't mean You don't always get what you want

But if you try sometimes You get some stones I don't mean that song You're doing a pretty good work Wolfie This is a bit embarrassing for me I'm holding onto your lead It's a good place to do it It's out in the field

Good job I came across here Some other job walkers crossing the field I've outflanked them Stone chest today All waiting to get me on the diagonal And I went the long way around They might better see what I'm doing here But there was two irresistible stones there

In the field In the path sorry, so they had to come up Not many cans along this particular stretch I do tend to throw the stones Towards the base of the trees here I'll continue to do that And we'll hope that that is creating Some kind of wall

We're a bit too far across from the actual It's not taking a child out there dog walking I think Or a very small woman That's okay It's not the same clothing So Chris Wolfie has been in touch

They're in What's your favourite stone I don't know I wouldn't be right to have favourites Chris Funny you've got the same name as my dog Do keep emails coming in I will do my best to answer them Oh nice stone there right at the edge of the path

I mean basically off the field anyway But it doesn't do you any harm Just to help those Those babies off A balloon in the distance A hot air balloon Gliding over the hot picture Countryside

I mean this is It's such a shame this is nowhere near as good As the hail storm It's such a shame It's such a shame It's such a shame It's not as good as the hail storm I would just love you to have heard

How scared I was I wasn't scared That's how scared I was Because I'm trusting the gods I certainly wasn't thinking what a pathetic moment This would be to die I was thinking this would be good And the wreck

Quiet It's anything I don't know if it's sort of It's a few kids playing some kind of Ball based game right over there in the far edge Dog barks in the distance You can already hear the screams of the children there Floating across

The fields Stupid idiots Grow up So we've come around The full perimeter of the field today Which is interesting for you Hopefully gives you an idea of the scale Of the job that we have

If I will go back Past the main can and the stone pole Because I know many of you Are mainly listening for those things Just a family on the field Getting a little close with the dog So it might have to be A little quiet and surreptitious

Which is the same as this is an excellent Mainly unexplored area Of the field for me And always a lot of stones there It would be a shame if I don't feel I can collect them Due to being observed But I think I'm okay I don't think they've entered the field

Which way are they going They're behind me I think they're going the other way But I can't have a look around once I'll just pretend I'm tying my shoe lace And they don't know if I'm wearing wellings Always a beauty there And the other way

Giving me a chance to get in with the trowel It's not the biggest one of the day But it's not bad Just booting this little stone Off the path there And really When it comes to harvest plowing time This will be an area

That will be a lot of fun to revisit Because it's a mainly virgin Territory anyway But once the Crops are gone I will be able to see everything In front of me Rather than just glances through the reeds

And it doesn't seem A very exciting stone clear so far But anything can happen again A few blooms could come out the wreck And ask me what I'm doing And why I'm wearing a suit To what my dog Luckily the ski jacket

Does hide much of the suit So don't give up on this I don't think it sounds quite boring so far And nothing's happened It's just a man doing the same thing He's been doing for another 20 or so hours Because

That's what I thought until The thunder and lightning came That was an example Of bits of Grit flying up, luckily it didn't hit me in the head My eyes remain safe for now But it's only a matter of time Gigantic so I'm going to have

Those who can't spray pee ball Make sure he's not really missed Terrible One more I mean Embarrassed when the rubbish shot I mean he's 6 maybe 7 years old

His mum was looking at me I think she might have heard me say that was bad She didn't hear me then She might hear me when the village Get together to listen back to these That's what I imagine happens The whole village gets together once I'm in bed In the village hall plays them

And discusses what's happening And what they can do to stop me But they'll never stop me Because I'm cleverer than all of them put together I thought that was a nice big stone But it's just three stones In One piece of soil

I'm going to keep those three guys together though Right on the edge there At the field Just on the edge of a little pathway So yeah, slightly dull Amble so far Long Due to my unwise decision not to cross

Across the middle of the field Not that many stones Taken off the field And been rude To a small child Hopefully didn't hear But he threw the ball and didn't even reach The height of the hoop

I don't think I could do any better I have hurt my arm I've worked out what has happened Because the dog yanks My arm in different directions When I'm walking And has just pulled my arm in a weird way And I've had

Seven months of pain My arm is getting better But probably not fit for basketball But once it's better I'm going to get out and show that little Eight year old kid How a 51 year old man I'd probably be 52 by the time I get out there

Plays basketball Now a short 52 year old man Plays basketball And I think you will see it's not all that well I talk the talk But I cannot walk the walk Nice, another nice sight Standing out the path there onto

The can on the opposite diagonal That we don't come to this very much If we carried straight off From the land post that's where we would be Some lovely meadow flowers Growing alongside The crops in this particular Part of the field

That they will die And rot And disappear That is probably right Going for another B From the path It's a nice size It's a tricorn, it's like a tricorn hat

And that would be a tricorn hat that would fit On the head of a I would say a reasonable sized doll I mean it's much too big for an action man It would look ridiculous on an action man On a large doll It would be too embarrassingly small As a tricorn hat

But On a medium sized doll That would be a good tricorn stone Tricorn hat to wear Or if you like it can be the saddle Of a like A very small monkey Like a monkey maybe from friends

If they had a bicycle that needed a Stone saddle on it This would be perfect For that, if Marcel the monkey Is listening in Would like and has a bike That requires a stone saddle without any Way to really attach it properly

You would have to work that out myself myself Do get in touch Herring967.gmail.com And that's where the emails are all coming into Let's have a little Look through Those Emails now

Brian Dandelion clock He is Another Brian Brian is getting touched He has been in touch To say Just trying to read the email On the move

Our nettles have problem Which is interesting Because I literally just saw some nettles there So it's interesting that he brings Our nettles a problem for you They can be a problem You do have to watch out for nettles Brian

That's a good thing That's why wearing gloves can help I've stopped wearing gloves because I like to feel My stones It's quite sharp, I'm throwing it I just threw one at the stone pole and missed I thought I was going to say but that one Did not miss but it did miss

So I'll dig up another one nearby So it's the third time charm Now hit the fence What am I going to do We'll start with any stones on this field Let's try this one Got to get some nettles Now hit a tree

I'm quite some distance away From the stone pole now Hit the tree again I'm trying to throw it from an angle When there's a tree in the way Move back Oh jeez This is embarrassing

This is the most good this has ever taken I think we all heard that Solid bang Right in the middle of the stone pole there Yeah nettles can be a problem Brian Dandelion Can you look at the email to see What your name was

That's hyphenated Obviously You can get stung by nettles So if you're wearing that where there's some Nettles all along here Do wear gloves But I prefer not to wear gloves As I mentioned because of

You know the reality of the stones I want this And if the plants choose to sting me Or to Caress me To say well done for what you're doing We admire you The plants all want to get together

Into a gigantic plant woman And Allow me to make love to that plant I will do it if that's what they want If they're doing it because they admire me Because of the stones So That's why I don't

Wear gloves I'm feeling two stones here Two nice round Beautiful round stones Holding them in my hands Heavy in my hands as I caress them And You don't get that with gloves

John Nettles Has been in touch with not the same one And he says Have you ever seen it drifted out on the fields Mate, come on Don't take the thing, I know some people take this I'm seeing One drifted on this

Whoopie Whoopie Just had to dump my load Come on sweetheart Hi there There it goes Come on Good girl

Whoopie went for this Cute white dog, what kind of dog that is The dog wasn't interested Again, that's why I turned my arm Because I was holding onto the lead She's a strong dog A brother yanked my mother-in-law's arm Out of its socket

At the shoulder I put my own arm back in there That's how strong these dogs are That couple who passed there More interested in each other than me When I'm getting sick of this With other dog walkers hooking up I'm left having sex with plant women

Fondling stones Pretending they're testicles Or breasts And Having the final time Walking the dog and chatting And then probably nipping into a little field Having a kiss with a human being

Well, I prefer to have sex With a pile of stones Or a woman I've woken up She's a corn So Screw you Yeah, you do have to be worth carrying on this into the end

So anyway They didn't even really say hello to those two Just so lovely, they only had one dog That might be a married couple So I've never seen them before Coming over here With their dogs from another village Might have been

But I had them pretty high I forgot I was holding an archaeological trial And I had to quite quickly stuff it in my pocket And it looked a bit suspicious I'm not mental If you were wondering Not actually mental, so just picking up a couple of stones Going to the Brexit Ditch

I call it Guy Ditch That's the top, Brexit Here you go, my friend Please keep up your work I do prefer if I hear a clink Just for safety from that ditch But I didn't this time just

The sound of stone But upon plant More nettles there Must tell Brian Dandelion The clock about those I'll put your email back to him Here we go Yeah, yeah, no, she'll be fine

She just wants to play Come on, darling Thanks so much Yes, that was Yeah, very nearly Oh, there's a poo there I wasn't there when I started Someone's let a dog poo in the pathway

Probably that Scottish lady We just passed there So yeah, just suddenly coming out of the bush Of that me just as I'm talking to myself I'm saying I'm not mental Thanks a lot, fate So I hope you enjoyed today's Sophie, we're leaving the field

I'm not crazy This is the normal thing to do Talk to yourself that I'm not I'm talking to you and it's alright to laugh This is some of this is funny It's not meant to be, but some of it Just turns out to be funny Do keep the emails coming in

I do really love receiving them Odd questions sometimes, I have to admit You should be getting Your Kickstarter rewards Within the next five or six months It's going to take a little while to get everything sorted out We're going to make that documentary, of course It'll take some time to

Film and edit And Collecting 153 stones Not going to be done in one trip I would warrant But anyway, nice long walk I think I forgot to time myself this time You'll probably have to work out how long it was

By looking at how long the podcast is They can't all be gold That's what I'd say to you, they can't all be gold And I'm sure some people got something out of this one Somewhere along the line Members at least another 23 of these To come in 2019 And can actually oblige

Wait, wait, wait, it's a big van So, there's going to be some tough times ahead I hope you'll join me for all of those I didn't get a message from ITV So Alex Horm was going to pick this For the Sarah Cox ITV show No one Tweeted me or anything

So I don't think it was on I had a quick look at it on my ITV player So we nearly went global Which I'm glad we didn't There'll be too many people In on the secret Do keep the secret That's very important

So here we are back home Back in time for To say goodnight to my kids It's just a nice thing And please the dog See my mother-in-law who's here Person in my department On a little date my friends

Oh yeah Who knows what's going to happen later Probably Quite a lot of sleeping due to Having watched a three hour film for children Home quite late It's going to be very tiring So just giving the dog

As it comes out of the packet You have some self-respect Whoopee There, we can have it now Doing us some turkey Nature's menu turkey Adds for adults What a world we're living in

I'll see you next time For more stone clearing Just at the moment With biological food Got a little cat there Been there tomorrow See you later I enjoyed these

The older I get the more You know what's going to happen It's already happened So that's how long it's been running For so I think it's about 40 minute walk on our path Alright, see you later, bye You have been listening to stone clearing

With Richard Herring and Wolfie the dog Also featuring that Scottish lady The couple Who didn't really talk to me The lady who waved at me in the distance And some kids playing on the wreck Mike Cosgrove for composing this beautiful music And thank you to The Voice of the Photones

Michael Fahin