Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 25

Episode Date: May 20, 2019

Chapter 25: Rabbit Army. It's just before 8am on 20th May 2019 and the weather is cloudy. Rich is off for an early morning stone clear wearing his jogging clothing. He's got more emails than he can realistically read out and is having to fight weeds and thoughts of his own mortality. But there's good news from Switzerland re his ambitions to become immortal. He's the victim of a double pincer movement from two old ladies which curtails his clearing efforts today, but still gets in a good few medium medium medium clears. And clarifies what that does and doesn't mean, whilst proposing a more expert 4D system. Plus a pitch for a new TV show to replace Game of Thrones. You'll never guess what it is called. Do check out the stone clearing website, even though is unofficial, not run by Richard and as strewn with errors as the field is full of stones. https://www.stoneclearing.com/

Yes she's making masks. It's all going fine. See you later Annie. Bye bye. Remember I love you. Remember I love you darling. Say hello daddy. Say bye bye. I love you. See you everyone. Bye bye. Bye bye. Come on off scared doggie. Good doggie. Come here. Hello and welcome to chapter 25 I think of Tone Clearing with Richard Herring. That's me. That's a lot of chapters I mean that means I've been doing the podcast for half a year. Wow okay I mean is that an achievement? I don't know I think it is. It's 7.38 on the 20th of May 2019. It's a dull morning I have to say. I've elected to come out in my sports gear today just trying different ways every time I have a little jog halfway through. Have a good one. And I have no coat at all. Just a half

marathon t-shirt from 2011 my goodness. I didn't even know I did a half marathon in 2011 from the Royal Parks and jogging bottoms and some running shoes so you might break into a jog which isn't something you really want to do on a stone clearing expedition or exhibition because you know you've got to keep eyes peeled be ready to pick up stones. But of course the faster you run the more ground you cover the more chance you have for finding the elusive great white stone that has blighted your life from which you're going to take revenge. Ow nettles very high right by this path as we enter the it's got stung on the elbow there that's the problem with not wearing a coat you know who's going to come and whack these weeds any whacking this is a public footpath and you

know people should take more care of it. So I just found a little stone there right at the entrance to the field however I missed that one before where it come from no one knows that's gone on my opening care which is hidden. The dog I think is pooing right out in the middle of the field she's been waiting a while for that poo we did in the early walk last night and she's run out into the field I'm not going out there I mean it'd be a good excuse to go and find some beautiful stones but we look too suspicious at this juncture um yeah the crops in a similar state said oh they will be almost disappeared beneath them they must have grown a little since the last time we were here we were eating some of those crops she's moved on realizing they're not that tasty

and yeah my my jogging bottoms already sodden with dew um that's my story and I'm sticking to it just the bottoms there I look like uh tramp who has avoided pissing himself but then just as he's got his cock out and pissed on the floor the the splashback has hit him uh and I only say champion but I'm disheveled uh no disrespect to the homeless community many of whom when it started out stone clearest um don't want to get fired from this job by saying something inappropriate so I'd like to take that back and apologize uh just right there we go that's that's the uh traditional throwing at the wooden fence outside that person's house that's the only bit that someone's weed whacked actually so I mean maybe I should respect that person more and not throw stones at their house so the only

people who seem to care about the upkeep after the piece of land outside their own land it's not there so it's not trying to pretend it is they're just trying to steal it a little bit like they little bit I know that game but this belongs to everyone these stones belong to everyone some of them belong to you if you've uh quantified something yet started gathering up the stones for that purpose a little bit of kicking there there was one loose stone on the path I kicked him to touch not hard to get very far due to the I mean there's three three to four foot of weeds on the edge of this field now which I think even if I built the most amazing cans which I have um would not be visible even if I'd concentrate on just one even that one major

can which I suppose I have contrary done is in danger of being swallowed symbolically by flora asserting its its superiority at this stage and yet the irony is that of course ultimately stones will win this battle that this biology flora and fauna will have gone and the stones will still be here right till the end and uh there's a beauty in that and a terror in that and I hope it doesn't make you as you listen this contemplate your own mortality uh the frailty of your body and the uselessness of your life and the pointlessness um my life isn't pointless because I have to give myself this task that gives me a purpose and a goal and long after you have all gone

and the flowers have all gone my massive wall shall remain bearing my name there'll be no one to name it but at least I will know that the name is there and of course I will be walking around having to replace all my bones and organs with stones I'll be lonely but it will be worth it I'll have the stones as my friends and uh been looking into that I've had a few emails about it um Simon branch you might have emailed him before said I am actually it's interesting you're talking about replacing all your bones with stones I'm part of a um scientific community based in Switzerland we're in the town of Tree Chunk in Switzerland it's a sit down to bother looking that up he says it's a secret installation it doesn't appear on any maps and we're charged with it's it's quite

near the Hadron Collider if that's in Switzerland he says like he doesn't seem to know where the Hadron Collider is obviously I know um and uh but don't look for any maps and don't try and guess where it is based on that because in the information you won't find it you'll have a look you might find it by chance uh and uh we're working on that technology to try and replace all human bones to initially bones with stones and then we'll be moving on uh to the soft tissue which we think we might be able to replace with shells have some kind maybe soil there's blood sand possibly if you feel soil is too organic for your purposes we'll cater for all kinds of different tastes uh and uh he's offered me a 10

percent voucher of the technology when it comes to making a movie so that's thank you to Simon branch there from tree trunk in switzerland you must get teased about that quite a lot that it's a movie I want you to stay here come here good doggy about the old fact that his name's branch and he's from a place called tree trunk it's quite coincidence um fortunately I have to stop down here just at this point which is a thing because there's mice pebbles in the in the path as I'm passing here because there's a lady with a couple of dogs or three dogs maybe coming down the path one of them's seeing wolfie she's waiting for us to go by which is very sensible maybe stonk her stonk her herself I hope not she better not be cleaning up my field um trying to

pull up how she has them oh come on wolves good girl come on hi he's a dachshund annoying that one seems to be annoying with local dogs a bit more recently she's there herself very placid but uh got a few scraps recently with more aggressive dogs and she can hold her own come on wolves will be come on when attacked she is a vicious dog very protective of me and my family oh and I found her nice they come down quite a way but I've just done the edge of the field and basically off the field it's the other side of the path but there are some crops there nice sized uh I mean I'd call that bang medium medium medium uh it's not a three dimensional

system this by the way it's just a way someone someone has uh on the stone clearing site has tried to categorize all the uh the new categorized system plus the old ones as one of their if you prefer to measure by egg or um irony hand or whatever they're all up there stone clearing dot com I think it is uh nothing to do with me um the it's not a three dimensional system it's not saying you know medium medium medium it's just that's the basic size I haven't got a way of determining the thickness I mean that would work if it was three dimension but um that's not how it works and I'm not going to change just because you've come up with a better idea uh I've got another medium medium medium here I would say in my hand so that's quite a

result get two of those within uh the space got a few yards uh also right in the path so they've been here all the time all these times these I mean 25 times that you've been with me have walked along here more or less not always actually uh but nearly always and plus the many many countless times the quite busy and that's another decent size one has to be quiet because I think someone's walking around the park could be a terminator could be a no-dog could be someone just the part of the stone starsy trying to catch me out I'll see them now this is the problem with all this foliage it hides are the dog walkers it hides spies log dogs could be lurking in their tree hawks or whatever they were wood hawks I can't remember all of them I'm gonna remember

everything that's going on here so yeah so it's uh it's a nice dewy day for the stone clue my my uh trainers have got a little wet of course the original stone goes would have not been shod their feet would have been unshod that wetness would have permeated through their hobbit like feet and they would have to become like hobbits they would have to become harder and uh hairier in order to cope with the it would just evolve that way really I'm hoping my descendants will also develop that trait at the moment my feet are fairly hobbit like not that hairy that's when you get there all kinds of poo here looks like rabbit poo and so much of it where's that all come from it's just strewn over this whole part of this park but those rabbits

just come through and pop tears what well that's worrying I haven't thought of rabbits uh being a potential source of spying or attack but of course I've been getting an army of rabbits together one rabbit I can probably see I've said with the help of wolfie but a hundred rabbits they're attacking me all at once perhaps they see the ground as their dominion it's they that dig holes am I taking away the stones that give the give some structure to the ground another dog walker approaching from the forbidden field of gigantic stones I can see them in the distance our paths may not cross but they may have to be a little bit surreptitious about what I'm doing now no rabbit food here weird just like a whole like a like a herd of rabbits must have

just come through their poop in their arses off it was a few meters wide that section I don't know if anyone cares to work out how many rabbits that would have been I mean it might not been might be sheep that look too small it might have been very small sheep but I mean what kind of person would drive sheep through her fields that has crops not any sensible person so I think rabbits has to tend to the answer picking up a few small small mediums here no probably not a bit bigger than that actually to be fair so small small small moving into the smallest we can imagine it works up is not in dimensions just small small medium would be a little bit bigger small larger a little bit bigger small medium small if you really want to get serious

about stone growing you know that can become more than three parameters and maybe we can start bringing in a dimensional element maybe a fourth dimension as well and that you could try and work out how long you think the stone has been in the field and we use the dimension of time that would be a different classification system so it might be let's have a look how would I describe say this stone I mean this is that's the problem with it is you can't really get you know you can't say small which for one each dimension because this is not small or medium it's somewhere in between so the dimension of width would be small medium small the dimension of height small medium medium dimension of width small small medium dimension of time

then I mean then how you would start to work that out so that is another classification you can use but keep it simple I know this is I mean many of you are laymen at this the top right you have got here will be good girl come here hi there which way are you going okay I'll head across okay gumbels yeah it's fine gumbels gumbels

will be it's got a doggo there and he gets offensive to me a dog thing um tragically that wouldn't be right in that one of course means I can't throw any stones towards the edge of the field I'm heading across the diagonal now as you may have ascained she's heading along the other field I don't think she's heading towards me myself I just pretend it was a dog which she did so that just leaves me having to wow that's a big change so clear of listeners here who are hoping for a good hold today I know a lot of you get excited when a lot of the stones

come out um I don't really want to go back on myself it's game of thrones day today me and my wife just try and work out when we're going to watch the final episode of game game of thrones maybe try and get like half an hour in just before we start work today so that's been on my mind but have you ever thought of them now that's finished maybe they could do a program called game of stones I think that'll be more interesting and more accurate because it's actually a game of a throne isn't it who's going to be on the throne it isn't thrones there's one throne the iron throne and I yeah I could easily make a throne out of stones if I could make another throne and then other field so then it would be a game of

stones a game of for tones I'd really call it and then it's just who can get the most stones just I mean it'd be an endless we wouldn't end it there'd be no rushed final series it would just go as long as each contestant lasted and then they would pass the task on to their chosen successor oh there's another oh gee there's a person coming right behind me as I'm saying this I've got three stones in my hand I'm going to have to dump them that's the rules come on Wolves Wolvie come on this is a disaster state of stone clearing I found them where those three are they were nice I mean oh fucker Wolvie really react my arm there unexpectedly on the lead which is why my arm hurts Wolvie come here Wolvie come here I'm being absolutely agony now Wolvie come here

come here keep going come on don't do that um yes I'm not going to be able to put any stones on this of course I'm going to have to be careful at talking to the sardines because there's room and there's just right enough way now to come here at the moment come on what a shame I mean I could try and guess oh I've had this bad arm I think I probably talked about this trying to work out why it was hurting for a long time and I realized it's just when Wolvie yanks my lead my arm gets pulled in directions it never usually gets pulled it's very nearly better and it's much better than it was I couldn't even reach a lot of people said is this the stone thing I don't know how she found out about the stone clearing and I said no no definitely not

and it wasn't I realized eventually especially things like that where a dog yanks my arm out of my socket and it really hurts I'm sorry I've gone to your fucker Wolvie I know you didn't do it on purpose and in many ways you are a good dog but this is the worst they sent a double team of old ladies to get me and that was like clever because I thought I'd managed to divert one of them along away from the direction I was going she couldn't very well say oh I'm going this way and if she had I could have said help her I'm going the other way and now they sent a second old lady I'm going to say old probably about my age to do a pincer movement right behind me it means

even they can't catch me stone clearing which I think she very nearly did it they know if I am the stone clearer it will prevent me clearing stones right through that plaster telegraph pole I'm heading down towards the gem that never grows no matter how many stones I put on it this path now I have to say is very overgrowing as crops right in this become two parson's crops growing in the middle which is quite weird lots of stones I'm passing here and I might be going to a point where I could she's in some distance away I might be able to get away and picking up a couple of stones on the way down here that's uh oh what a disaster I've lost three mediums small mediums I'd say well you know medium smalls

I've lost my train of state train of thought in the pitch for game of the tones which is a shame because that could become quite a big thing and I just passed a stone there that spoke to me and said I'll pick me up and I didn't pick it up and that's going to bother me for the rest of the day I'll come and get it another time but it spoke to me it said which is my time and slightly out of just fear of being seen from behind and partly just because I was in the middle of something else this is the problem you know this is why I can't podcast every excursion because stone clearing does need utter concentration and is this one going to follow me down here or is she going to be sent to me and go another way ah well I hope you enjoyed this okay and I cannot miss this one

I think I've got enough coverage just to pick that baby up yes she's going another way so that's okay she's not following directly but she's still a pet of eyes upon me we're coming up to the stone pole uh anyway I'll probably try and make a throne one throne and then whoever does the best clearing of fields and this again this will take eons eventually one of those people will get to sit in the throne when it's been adjudged that they've done the best job of clearing this field and some will have to go through each field with a sieve to check all the stones are gone and yeah it will be a group prize to them and all their ancestors just one stone there for the pen that never grows which is quite never gross very annoying very this is an annoying day

this part of the field has become like a meadow there are the crops here but wild flowers growing everywhere within the crops uh almost in celebration of the male-like pole of the stone pole and a pic of a few little I mean these are small they're getting away from the fact these are small small medium I mean it's possible to have smaller stones but only just makes my job hitting the pole much harder here we go number one oh just missed though just missed again hit another pole but not the pole I'm aiming at and there we go hit it there was a little cheer there very popular part of the podcast a lot of people are emailing in about that I'm going to get so many emails I'm sorry I can't

read them all out herring97 at googlemail if you want to dot com if you want to join the throne and there's not many stuff there's not many things around here that get names from um oh holly good holly nettle no relation to john nettle or the other nettle that we had the other week just in the same part of the field actually uh said my favorite bit which is the I don't work in any kind of secret laboratory by the way just in case anyone of your other listeners do I'm just a regular person I live in seed seed seed cup living seed cup and my name is you will have noticed on the email is holly nettle and I'm no relation to the other nettle or nettles that have been because my name is nettle I think they were called nettles

my favorite part of the podcast I love the podcast Richard and I'm a woman so there you go um so that that proves that all people say this is just a I mean it's not reading from men is it sort of who it's for this podcast is what they people say but holly proves that lots of women do listen in and email in um I like the bit where you throw the stones at the pole and I I always cheer when you do whatever I'm doing once I was attending an accent because my job is I'm a paramedic and now he's listening because I have just laughed for you this I hadn't read that detail before um I was attending a terrible workload actually and uh but I was listening to the podcast at the same time just because you know it helps

blot out the horror of life and death um and although often reminds me of it through the the challenge it is to my own mortality and how short my span is and how meaningless everything we do is but anyway when you hit the stone pole I cheered and the wife of the bloke who'd been badly injured in the road accident um she did look annoyed Richard I have to say but then I said hey why did you listen did you listen to Richard Stonkling podcast because you said no I'm a woman and you know I don't and also how many people didn't listen to it your chance is just and also my husband's seriously injured I don't really want to talk about podcasts and so well look I'm just saying I'm not cheering because your husband's seriously

injured that would be unprofessional I'm cheering because of Richard Stonkling he hit a pole with a stone on about the fifth attempt this time uh hope you do better next time by the way Richard that's holly talking some direct information just recounting this story uh well a long story short I was in a lot of trouble that day with the paramedic boss called me to the office uh and he said if anything like that happened again I'd have to consider handing in um my gun which I am sorry I'm just surprised that the paramedic hasn't gone and my badge my paramedic badge why would a paramedic need a gun man I mean it's holly you're not getting more questions I mean I guess if someone's seriously badly injured and you run out of medicine which you know

if brexit happens which hopefully it won't thanks to what I'm doing down on the field here I guess that will be the humane thing to do so maybe they started issuing guns on the understanding brexit was coming and then it hasn't come and now they've just got a gun ready for when there is no medicine left but any medicine we have will be British medicine and I think we can all agree that that is not a bad thing uh so anyway thanks holly for emailing in it was a very detailed email I'm sorry I got you to struggle with your boss I hope to give you your gun back I mean I presume it's a probationary period you don't say this in the email where you won't be allowed to have the gun or badge but I'm hoping you're still working maybe you're

desk bound having to do um just any handing to any medicines that happened in your office and you're at a desk as long as the person gets your desk I guess you can help them I'm just speculating I don't know how paramedics work if you ask me to imagine what that job was I think that had come up with something pretty far off the reality of whatever it is but thanks for that for your service sorry for getting into trouble thanks to all the paramedics who listened to this I'm glad it helps through the emergencies try not to think of the how work at some point this living is um due to the the magnitude of time and our basic fragility because that will not help you uh complete your pointless job of trying to keep some organisms alive a bit longer than they

would have done if you weren't around uh even though they will ultimately still die I mean what do you think about and what are you doing but don't think about that just if you're listening to me just to help take your mind off the niceness of your jobs I really appreciate what you're doing I hope I never need to use your services uh but if I do and you laugh I will know what's going on you know if you've got earbuds in or earphones in I will um and I see you laughing at me with my leg cut off or whatever oh no I know what it is so uh don't feel bad um hopefully that won't happen and uh yeah well we're heading down home straight now sorry a bit of a disappointing day of stone clearing but we've got a couple of good emails in no more no new rules of stone clearing

because rule one of stone clearing is there are no there are no rules in stone clearing um but uh yeah I do try and I mean don't spread the word I think well done to Holly uh nettle um we're not telling the lady too much about the podcast try to keep the secret if you can um we don't really want to know anyone to know about it there's bees and lovely wild flowers say what a beautiful part of the country I live in and how lucky I am it'll be coming quite quickly though we've given I guess because we did so little stone clearing given we've been all the way across the field across the diagonal just uh under half an hour of podcast here um how on the road now can you get quiet

will be will be come on we'll be just uh sniffing a man who's working on next day's doors conservatory there he's just out in the street carrying some stuff uh but having a new conservatory got next door a couple of lawyers live next door to me they wouldn't understand uh about what I'm doing here no point in trying to explain to them even the guy I make the new conservatory probably wouldn't understand them you know he's much closer that's much closer to the work I'm doing as a lawyer at least he's working with his hands but you know he is building something very middle class so I

think that takes away a lot of his power um anyway back home in half an hour that's good move get to watch a bit of Game of Thrones once the kids are at school but remember that if any TV executives are listening I'm thinking well how do we transfer this great idea to the TV I mean hey don't because it's an audio medium and it's secret but if you do get in touch give us a ring about the old Game of Stones I think a Game of Photons uh it would have existed before any of these but Anglo-Saxon words and also um I would insist that we don't play it dumb it down um I would actually insist and then I've done but these podcasts now they're written I don't talk in Anglo-Saxon or if this was on TV

I would want it all in Anglo-Saxon so every C-H would be a Y every F would be an F and I missed that put listeners off I see it but it could go where the Jeremy Kyle show goes you know I think there's enough material here to do a daily show it wouldn't just be you know you could do my field but also once other people get involved you could do an episode from their field I'd be in all everyone and you'd have to pay me a lot for me this is my idea but so just give us an email having 1967 at gmail.com if you're if you're interested in that I mean I think we'll get quite a few people doing that so don't delay do try and get that in as quickly as you can if you're a TV executive let's get

to work on it um but I'll press now just for it to stay like it is there's a sort of secret thing enjoyed by laughing paramedics so Holly hope you get your job sorted out and um Wolfie eat your food darling thanks for emailing in if you are I hope there'll be some more rules if you bat the Kickstarter those rules I think you've come out quite soon or they've been compiled that's one of the Kickstarter awards for a certain level other rewards will take a little bit longer to come through but so we're working on it and there will be of course that documentary that you know if you have any if you work in TV and have any doubts about its viability of the visual medium I can't send it because it's just for kickstart people but you know you can talk to

one of the people they can say hey it was brilliant when you could see what was going on as well though I still prefer it in its original incarnation where it's mainly an audio medium and a feature of which isn't on TV I mean I'd probably have to wear a mask for something on TV because I don't want the normal people in my village to become aware of what I'm doing you know they wouldn't understand that kind of people have conservatories I don't have a conservatory by the way because I'm a regular guy I just have a very nice 18th century house it's like a normal person would like you know like Stonkers and many Stonkers would have at least walked past this house in the past so on that maybe I should have waited till after the

podcast to do that apologies um so anyway yeah I'm excited about the offers coming in now thought about it and I don't obviously I'm going to reject them all but I'm very excited about it and thanks for listening in I'm going to go and watch the inferior game of thrones which in a few years time put a little backing up remember that show game of thrones not as good as game of the tones is it um and they'll be right those people you say that will be correct anyway thanks for listening in there'll be more next time here email's coming in and if I've forgotten to do any other things you like in this do let me know because I you know unbelievably don't really plan very much for each of these episodes if at all anyway thanks for listening and do come see uh

Rehella Stepa if you can Rehella Stepa Rehella Stepa um and uh keep checking out the other podcasts I do if you like but this is the main one all right bye