Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 27

Episode Date: June 5, 2019

Chapter Twenty-Feven - Poppy Leaf - It's about 7.45am on the 5th June 2019 and yet some disgusting inhabitants of the village still have their minds filled with sex, when there is good, moral, purifying and distracting stone clearing to be done. Richard talks at length about how he is not interested in the sordid lives of the perverts he lives amongst and also finds some surprising stones. A heavy-dugged posh woman sends him scuttling down a different path and the post-Brexit (which clearly can't happen as long as the stones go in the ditch) stone-clearing world is discussed. Your emails and a clarification on one of the rules and the beauty of nature that must be crushed by stones. To see the Voice of the Ftones, Michael Fheen talk about the difference the stone clearing job has made to his career, please come to see him on RHLSTP at King's Place, London on 17th June - https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/whats-on/comedy/richard-herring-podcast-17-jun/ Sorry I was moving the bins back into the house at the beginning, but thought you'd like to hear that. It's not all stones, stones, stones.

Come in. Come in, Lumitech. With Richard Hale. Come on, come on. All right, let's go. Come on, go, go. Whoop! Hold on, hold on. Hold on. Come on, Wolfington.

Wolfington, how is it? Wait for these cars. Good girl. Come on then, good girl. Well, be careful. Well, hello there. Welcome, I think, is chapter 27 of the Tone Clearing with Richard Hale. Wolfie, out my hair, stupid idiot.

There's the road. Look at the cars. Do you not understand what's going on? She's very excited. I'm just going to join you. Wee-wee, dear darling. Shall I let you off the leash? Come here. Come here.

Calm down. Here we go. Yes, it's 7.43 on the 5th of June, my goodness. Time is flying by, my fan friends. And it looks looking like it's going to be a nice day. It's early still, obviously. And there's a few for-cutting clouds. Sorry, clouds, but a largely blue sky. The ground slightly damp from rain yesterday,

but still baked as hard as a rock cake that's been left in the Arga of a country lady. And let's see what state the old field, that is field, not sealed, is in today. Oh, look, actually more clouds than I thought. Now I get to see the panoramic view of Hertfordshire sky, which is very different from the sky you're looking at, unless you're in Hertfordshire, which basically is the same.

Wolfie, her head is above the wheat. I think this is weeks now this year. Last year we had peas, and this is definitely not peas. These are ears of some kind of grass-based crop. There's a few weeds amongst there, a few beautiful wildflowers occasionally grow. Just chucked up a small, small, small bear. One of the smallest stems you get off,

just lying on the path. Everyone counts. That's the first for-tone of the day. Always a good feeling, a better feeling if it's a monster, of course. But we're not glory hunters here. Any stone must be thrown. We leave no for-tone unturned.

Not only unturned, because if you just turn them over, I don't think anyone would notice a difference. We have to not only turn them, but throw them and take them away. It's not as catchy a slogan, but that is the slogan of the National For-Tone Clearing Society, one of the many organisations set up for various stones.

There's a lot of schisms. I think I might have to say that one for you, amongst the for-tone clearing community. And that has led to a lot of organisations in such a way. I myself, a member of the League of For-Tone Clearers and Rocks, Bashers, who've joined forces with them. Of course, the voice of the for-tones, Michael Faheen, is certainly going to be a guest on Richard Herring's Le Fertiple.

He will be at King's Place on June 17th. I do come along, there are still tickets. Ed Gamble is the other guest. I'm not sure if he has any connection to stone clearing. We'll find out in the interview. Of course, there's a chance that Nish Kumar might be stepping in here. Michael Faheen gets some work. Seems unlikely.

I've given him a break with the old stone clearing job. I'll take a chance on new young actors. We'll be discussing how he felt to get that job, when that job came in, he must have been excited and what difference it has made to his life. As an actor, it's a very unstable life for an actor. They don't know where the next job is coming from. And a job like being the voice of the for-tones

can really open doors for you. It can close a few. We'll be discussing that. But thank you to Michael Faheen for agreeing to do that important job. He actually reads out every week's live. He comes to my house and there's not much going on in his life. And he's a very lonely man. Doesn't have much success with the ladies.

We'll talk about all this at King's Place on June 17th. There's another one during the 10th with Russell Howard. Again, I think there's no connection to stone clearing for him. But do support that podcast. It helps me fund my stone clearing work. It's not as good a podcast as this. But it seems to be more commercially viable, which is sad. But that's an indictment really of society, not of me.

So I've been clearing a few little stones, mainly from the past, because to be honest, this wheat or grass-based crop, whatever it is, is very thick now. It would mean stopping, walking out into the field, because wolfies do it. But of course, what's good for a dog is not necessarily good for a human. So I'm largely still part clearing. And there's still, even though I've been doing this for many months,

I'm clearing the path for the last few weeks. Many, many stones here still to be cleared. So stone clearing's work is never done until it's done. That's the motto of the International League of Stone Clearers, which I will only, although I'm very anti-Brexit, kind of stop Brexit, of course. I do believe stone clearing is only for Indigenous British people who can trace their families back to at least 10 generations of people who've only been born in England.

It's an unexplained bit of fascism in this otherwise whimsical podcast. So I would not be a part member of that society, whatever the one I just said was, I can't remember what it was now, but it is a real one. And the other weeds here, almost as tall as a short man's belly button, and the crops too, this corner very factored for some reason, even though it's largely in dark, and then passing one of my more impressive kens,

but you wouldn't know it with the nettles and other fauna and flora, sorry, there's no fauna here that is growing amongst here. And yeah, I mean, I've only cleared about probably less than 10 stones or I've been talking so far, so I should get on with my job, picking out a nice small, small, small there, shaping for fish, and it's quite square. I mean, I'd say small, medium, small. It's a cuboid, but obviously not perfect,

but in some sort of brown stone, that's the sound, it makes me tap it with an archaeological towel. I hope that gives you a 3D visual image of what we're working with here. Nobody around yet. I don't know if it's too early for the dog walkers to be out. I mean, I think those people are pretty insatiable. Again, not allowing me, and I wouldn't want to be in their sordid gang, because I'm happily married to a wonderful woman.

I have two children, it's a beautiful thing. But it would be nice to be asked, that's what I'm saying. It would just be nice that they said, oh, you know, you are attractive enough to be. When you see some of the, I mean, you know, this isn't a visual thing, maybe when we do the video version of this for the Kickstarter people, we will get to see a few of the dog walkers. And, you know, I'm not, I don't care about physical beauty myself, but objectively, the people around this, the walk dogs around here are hideous, lovely.

I mean, I don't know if they're intimidated by my beauty, and that's why they're not asking me to join in. But, you know, a lot of them are, like, 70 or 80 years old. I'm fine, relatively young for the dog walking community. You'd think I would be a prime specimen. I'm not interested in that. I'm more interested in becoming a stone human being, as you know. I have loftier aims than just the biological need to procreate and fornicate, really.

I don't think any of these old people are having children off the back of what they're up to. Well, some of them are, some of them are childbearing, mate. But I guess the old guys, you know, the swimmers are weak, but they occasionally still get across the channel. The David Walliams principle. So, yeah, so I'm just slightly offended. I'm not jealous, if that's what you're thinking. I know Brian Bramble has been mocking my lack of success.

He apparently acclaims that he's going to be working on groupies and stuff like that. Wherever he was from, I forget where he was from. Oh, my goodness, we've had the beauty. I don't need to wear Brian Bramble now. That is a large... I mean, it's hard to note because what the biggest is, I don't want to go large, large, large because that would be crazy because there's definitely bigger stones than this,

but it's definitely a large, let's say a large, small, medium-sized stone there. It's almost an arrowhead shape. You can hear that flint, I think. Hear that? That's the silent quality. You can hear the compare the two tones, go back to the other one, add it out, listen to it, and then compare it to that, beautiful. Let's try and find a suitable place.

I've had to place these stones because, of course, just all grass along this side of the field and I can't see anything that I've planted before. I have not found stone clearing to be a fanny magnet, which is what Brian calls it, but, of course, in America, that means bottom. So he's actually getting a lot of bottoms. Male and female, I presume, that is fine. Nothing against anal sex.

But I prefer, you know, the loving embrace of my wife is what I'm saying. So let's not get into me one versus me two snooker territory here. That would be wrong. One day we'll do a cross promotion somehow, but I'll just chuckle in the bush. I was got bored waiting for a good opportunity to get rid of that one. But that, again, just that was on the left side of me as I walked on the path, because the field on the right-hand side.

So again, a surprise of just a very large stone, just waiting here for months and months without me noticing it, and then suddenly I discover it. It was iceberg, for sure. But there's no chance of Hasselhoffing out here now today, because if you cannot see a stone even an inch into the field, you would have to, you know, you'd have to take a chance, you'd have to take a blind Hasselhoff and just run out and hope you hit something.

Because the true Hasselhoff is to spot a stone on their eyes and rush out, get it before anyone sees you encroaching into the illegal territory. As far as the farmer's concerned of the field, I'm allowed the public right to wait. I'll be on this path, I'm not allowed out amongst. It might be corn, I don't think it's corn. I mean, like it's got, like, it looks like the stuff, you know, on cereal boxes there to a picture of, to pretend there's some cereal in there.

Looks like that, so wheat, I'm going for wheat. We'll see if, you know, maybe, it's like when in the womb, the fetus goes through very fairest stages, looks like a fish for a bit, and then a dog or something, then becomes a human being, or, you know, if you're a dog, it becomes a dog. They all look the same, I'm saying at the early stage, maybe, but I don't know, that might be true of plants as well. They might all go through a wheat stage and then bang at the broccoli.

I don't know, I'm not interested, I'm not interested in anything that isn't made of stone. So, um, it's still no progress, I'd say, in turning myself into a stone human who will live through the ages. He exists beyond humanity, sadly, as a stone person, I remember when there were people here, but I might be able to craft another human out of stone, naive, if you will, and create a brand new one. So, I thought it was going to be a little too big,

but two, it's actually too medium, what, medium smalls, or small large. Together, they may be sibling stones, I can't see quite how they fit together in the same colour. Off they go together anyway, and they will spend the rest of eternity together at the edge of that field and moved, protected. That's the end of their journey. Um, so yeah, you know, we may... Oh, my watch is talking to me. I mean, it's starting to slide.

Yeah, I think a lot of people feel like that, but I'm not sure I understand. He said, okay, you know, quite sarcastic way of thinking, okay, this is normal. But when I found a little, like, it's the shape of a pear with a sort of death star bit cut off like a round circle. I think I've explained that quite well. It's about the shape of an unripe pear, the size, I should say. I mean, we could maybe use that as a...

I'm not sure how people are enjoying the rather more dry, medium, small, medium star sizing. I think people used to enjoy creating a different scale, but you know, there's a pot, there's a time for the entertainment to stop and the science and the hard work to begin. And having Lourge doing this far, I think it's now time to make this as technical and boring as possible. If you thought it was boring already,

you wait till episode 58, mate. Great stuff planned for that. This is all quite heavily scripted, obviously. That's why I can only really do one of these a week, and why you haven't really seen me on the telly for a while, because it takes a lot of preparation to get these. Apparently, I might be appearing on Tipping Point, so the other things are looking pretty good.

The little Richie Herring's back in the game, my friends. Oh, he's back. People said he's gone nuts. He's just walked out of field chucking stones at you. You can't have him on telly, but I proved him wrong. Tipping Point probably doing Tipping Point. So think about that. Next time you're going to take the piss at me,

this should be quite good. You know, work in the trajectory of the way things fall, so that's what I do with my job. I throw things at him. That's going to land them. It'll fall on the ground. Yeah, fall down. So I'm ready for that.

Approaching the top corner of the field, where, of course, the transgression field is... The field I'm not really meant to go into is just over there. It's almost a hedge of growth between these two fields, now as if nature itself is trying to prevent me going in there. There are plenty of photons on this side, especially in this particular area, so I don't necessarily need to go over there.

More just throwing randomly into the hedgerows, hoping they will meet a brother and form a wall in a magnetic fashion. Just had a dog barking in the distance. I was quite some way away. We're okay. You may not loiter here too long, though. There is a little path through to the next field. I'm not going to go today.

I'm going to respect it. Just here in the path is a couple of... See, on this side, on my side, a couple of crackers. I mean, medium, medium, medium. Maybe you mean medium, medium, small. I can't even see where the wall I was creating is. I'm just going to throw them towards there. And more triphids growing here, if you're interested in the triphids.

Still very much in the elementary stage. And another nice medium stone there, just in the pathway as we head back into the field. And another. That's all small. That's on the large side of small. And across we go. Is that a human?

No, I think that's a chimney pot. There's either a man standing in the middle of the field very still, staring at me. Or just the perspective makes it look like a chimney pot just above the field. He's a person standing in the field. Oh, both. I mean, I don't think we can trust...

If this pokus is pure as anything, it is that we cannot trust our eyes or our facts in any way. Logs can be dogs. Dogs can be secret agents. Chimneys can be people. People can be chimneys. A couple of tiddlers here. I'm going to see if I can...

I'm quite away from the edge. I'm going to see how far I can get these. A skimming motion. And Wolfie's chasing them. Oh, that one's not bad. I think I've got nearly to the edge. Just going to watch. I don't hit Wolfie with this.

We're really quite small stone. Oh, that one. Again, that's got close to the edge. One day, perhaps, I will find it and get it right out of the field, but for the moment, at least, it is near the edge. Not picked any stones up yet from this traverse across the diagonal.

Spiding my time. Just checking again for other dog walkers. The thing now, of course, is if you are dogging in the field, you don't even have to really find anywhere to go. I've just picked up a... It's sort of like a lemon with two bits to cut off it. And the Millennium in the Death Star fashion. You can just find your partner and just lie down amongst the wheat.

As Theresa May is not running through, you've got your secret highly placed away from your partners. They don't have no idea until you come home with a bit of wheat stuck in your pants. Wheat in your hair. If that happens, if you live in my village and someone comes back from a dog walk and I say this to my wife, even though she does not know that it's podcast,

or if you find wheat in their pants, I can tell you what's happening. They're not interested in walking the dog. This isn't why they've come out. Or that is just a lucky, clever sub-diffusion on their part. But yeah, I imagine this whole field is just full of rutting 70-year-old people. Occasional 40-year-old slipping in there. Well, I'm not interested.

You might say, well, you're talking about a lot, Rich. Well, I'm not. Just what else has there to talk about? Oh, found a nice one there. I thought we could do a right some nice stones that distracts. You know, it's a good way to distract yourself from impure thoughts. Nice, good, solid stone-shaped stone. You can imagine that.

I mean, it's on the small side of medium, but it fills the palm of my tiny hand, and it's got a good chunk to it. You know, if you were a caveman, you could smash that on the skull of an opponent or someone who's a cuckold. If you found them in the field and they're weak, rutting, rutting away. They will just abandon their sense of, oh, there's someone coming, shit. This is a shame.

There's been very ugly possible. I'm just going to have to dump my load, put it there at the side, and hope I find that again another day. They're coming right up to the central pillar just at the same time as me, and there's someone coming up behind. It's the pincer movement. Another white-haired person in the distance. I mean, you don't need to tell me what these two are doing.

They're spying on me, and also, about to a wrong day, who somewhere in the midpoint, I mean, the woman here is well into her 70s. That doesn't stop me. That doesn't mean you want to stop those leads. End. All right, Wolves, good girl. Should we go? Hello?

Sorry? OK, well, I'll go down this way anyway, but she's friendly too. It's all right. No, they're playing. They're playing. It's OK. Good girl, Wolves. Come on this way, darling.

Come on, darling. Good girl. Hello, darling. Hi there. And... Yeah. Extremely partial, lady. Just exactly what I was talking about.

She's got stuff in her ardor at home. And a dog's called Orlando. Do you have several dogs? Off. And, you know, within minutes, those clothes are off, those heavy old dogs that were exposed to the air. And the right-hand old gentleman I've seen has got his opportunity. Bang.

Anyway, we're heading down for the full diagonal, unusually, so we're not going straight to the stone pole, if that's what you're waiting for. My five or six stones that I had ready to put in the central area must wait for another day, my fine friends. Not going all the way around the field, of course, just cutting across the field. And we hopefully will get to deposit a few nice stones

on the rather neglected can right in the corner, as long as nobody else shows up. And this is a dangerous area, of course, for that, because we're going right to where that chimney pot is, a chimney pot. So there are a lot of very still and cuboid persons with an arrow on top of his head. So apologies for that.

But this can is by one of those... Oh, hello. I'm just seeing something lovely here. Right by the entrance to the field. One of the entrances to the field, right by one of the markers for the walk. Oh, yes. Biggest of the day.

Maybe, maybe not. Actually, maybe second biggest of the day. Nice flying saucer shaped stone. A little bit of a saucer cut off at some point. Some past capitalism that we can only imagine now. So I've got four more stones here. And yeah, we'll don't come down this way very much. So there's not quite a few choice specimens here.

This one looks like a dinosaur tooth, and it might be, but it's customised if it is. And that thing is made of stone. And that means it must be thrown off the field regardless of worth. Oh, that's quite nice as well. I'm a danger of overloading here, like a greedy Nazi steaming gold from a fire.

And the dog's barking in the distance. But so far, so good. I am fairly clear. I hope no one finds my horde from further up the field and snaffles that away for their own uses. There's still plenty of stones out here by the way, but I haven't started gathering them for the, I'm a little bit scared of the curse

for the Kickstarter people. But so don't worry if you're worried they might run out. There are. There's still at least about 150 stones on this field. And that's all we need. So we'll start gathering those up at some point. Well, we sent out before Christmas. I mean, you know, we've got some work to do

on my Kickstarter rewards, but we'll get the stuff to you as quickly as we can. We don't want to rush it. These are these objects of beauty we're giving you. Well, let's drop some tissue or something. That's really good. Oh, one I really want to forget about. I'm going to leave that for another day.

Right. We've arrived at the entrance to the field. Just have to check that one's coming up here. Sometimes my dog walker, Carla, appears from this angle with some dogs, but not today. My friends, there's maybe a little early for her. And I can't see any of these stones here,

but I can't see the cairn that was around this pole, but you can hear those stones clicking in stone. So there's something under there. Right. Yes, it's still out here. I like this a little bit. There's some weeds along here, but this is where we get quite a lot of the meadow flowers.

You get an idea of how the land may have been back in the day. Probably not as cultivated as this. There's no meadow in a field like this, but just these little sections of beautiful flowers poking up. It reminds us of nature and its fragility and its lack of importance compared to what the plants are growing in, of course, but it's nice to hear from this short time. Another dog barking distance,

but I think that's up on the wreck. Don't think we have to worry about that one. So a mildly successful second half of that diagonal. Five or six stones taken off if you're counting. I've gathered up a few here just for the stone pole and also just for the other marker that marks the entrance to the field. We're about to pass with the cairn that never grows, no matter how many stones I place upon it.

And then there'll be the stone pole, the brexit ditch, you know, by now. Hopefully it's going to be familiar, hoping you've got a map of this in your mind. Four nice sized stones here. Do I put them in the cairn or do I use them as ammunition? That's the eternal question. There's a loose stone. I'll use that one as ammunition, definitely.

That appears just as I was posing that question, so I think that is what it would want. I think that's the one that's going to hit. Let's see if I'm not. Oh, so that looks like a plant from the time machine that's been brought back by a time traveller who does not belong in our time. Which is possible, you know,

we've already seen some time travellers from the future. I used to say some have come from the past to the future back to here. Right, anyway, I'm putting a few of these on the cairn. Let's say three. I've got two to throw at the pole. One quite a reasonable size, actually. So that one should hit, but also the one that called to me

and said it wanted to be thrown at the pole, I'm going to use that first. And if that hits first, we know for sure that that was the stone's destiny and its wish. If it doesn't hit, I don't know what that means. But let's make sure it hits. Oh, it just missed.

Shit. Here comes the next one. Oh, just missed as well. Bounced back into the off the fence. On the tiddlers over here. So let's see how we do with this. If you get rid of the chair. Oh, just missed the other direction.

Just calibrated a little bit too far the other way. Amazing. There's still pebbles right by this pole. Wolf again. Yes, hit the top, but the stone bounced off and went through the fence. It doesn't matter. It hit right at the top of the pole there.

Hope you cheered wherever you were. Some lovely poppies or something in this part of the field. It's beautiful. I love the nature of those poppies to let me let you know what I'm talking about. Excuse me for one second. Hope this doesn't stop the... Oh, yes.

This can be the cover. You can see in the distance there of this photo, you can see the central pole. And actually that guy. I mentioned walking his dog. Took a little bit longer than he should have. He didn't need to get to the center there. When he was right at the entrance,

might be a different person. But if it isn't, I think we know what's happened. That's all I'm saying. I'm keeping an eye on these people. And if I see them at it, and I know they are, and I know they're partners, I will be telling them because

I don't see why everyone else should get away with having affairs when, you know, I'm not doing it because I'm too nice and scared what my wife would do. And also no one is interested in me. Apart from that, I'm a nice guy. Literally no one is interested in me. All the time I've been married.

Not so. Gossip is a weight. I mean, it's the best thing. I really thought I was going to return it, mate. Anyway, there's a lot of emails coming in. I do. This is where, this is an email section traditionally,

which is annoying because there's not many things around here and what I don't know if that matters. So Poppy Leaf has been emailing in quite a lot, actually. And Poppy Leaf, I mean, what were parents thinking? It might just be a nickname, I guess. I mean, that is just embarrassing.

Poppy Leaf is just like, something really teased at school. I'm sorry for that, Poppy. If you're called Leaf, don't call your child Poppy for God's sake. I mean, I'm sure Poppy has learned to live with it. Anyway, she says, Richard, it looks like Brexit's going to happen

in a very disgusting fashion despite your Brexit ditch. Well, wait and see. Thank you. Maybe if I forget to throw a stone in there, it might do. We'll see. Well, how will trade agreement with America affect stone clearing?

That is a good question, actually. There's something obviously that I'm worried about. We're here at the Central Can. Again, looking like it's depleted, I have to say. I don't know if someone's going and taking things off this. I thought I'd got multiple around this corner than I have. It has been pegged back a little bit. I mean, it's still not bad,

but it's slightly pathetic for a year's work. And just not as high as I remember it being. It's almost like the stones fall down by themselves. Yeah, I don't know. No one has asked President Trump what his views on stone clearing are. I think he would like it. I mean, he likes wall building. He likes making people not interested in having a wall pay for the wall.

I'm quite interested in that. I'm hoping to get the people of Wellingarden City to pay for my wall and also to keep the people of Wellingarden City out of this field and especially the people of Harfield. They're the biggest country you've ever seen. You thought that woman was posh. That's quite unusual for my village. There is someone else just arrived on the field.

It's hard to see now whether people have dogs because the crops are so high. But she's striding purposely and doesn't seem to have a lead. So I think she's just a walker, which is a odd thing. Now again, suspicious. She's a sprightly woman with, I think, other blonde or grey hair. But if she's over 40 or 50, she's kept herself in good shape. So she probably has that pic of the randy dog walkers out here, I'm imagining. And that's perhaps why she's walking on such purpose.

It's all going on here. It's all going on in this district. I like it literally. Come on, it's 8.16 in the morning. At least wait till after lunch. Oh, there is a dog. So that's fine. It's all right.

There's a dog there. The dog can go to get you fit and also having sex with strangers in the field. Probably keeps you fit as well. I don't want to make it all about that. So let's move on from that. This is the sparse area of the field. But I'm trying to find a couple of nice stones in the pathway there. The path is actually covered in grass, which makes this doubly difficult.

And there's a wall of wheat and weeds and there's prickly thorns. Thistles. That's what they're called. Like almost saying, do not enter, do not enter this field. And I also know there's not that many stones in there when you go in. So is it worth trampling over those stones? Here's the Brexit ditch. The ditch that stopped Brexit is pinned cut back, but not so we can see the stones.

They are still beneath that rather sticky weed stuff. So I'll just chuck a couple of stones in there. I can't hear them hit because they hit the weeds rather than the stones. That one hit the ground. But there's a couple in there that should ward off Donald Trump for the moment. Let's hope so. I really need the ditch to save the NHS now. We might stop Brexit and then find out the NHS is still going or something.

I think we're fucked. And of course, stones there need the NHS more than anyone. They're still hurting from when I splicked all that stone into it. And that was like a couple of months ago. Anyway, we've arrived at the end of the field. A puppy leaf. I hope she's happy with my answer. That's the opening can.

Looking very flat as well. It's almost like the weather and the environment just batters these things down. You build them proud and then over the course of months, just the conditions of being outside all the time. Just smash things, erode them. What are you doing, wolves? Shall we go? Come on. Wolfie's been on the lead all this time.

Sorry, wolves. I should have let you off, shouldn't I? So we're heading out now. That's the end of the Stone Pudding for today. I hope you've enjoyed it. It's been a good 35 minutes of Stone Pudding. All around pretty quickly, actually, given I went in the wrong way. Do keep those emails coming.

I mean, there are just two. Sorry if I haven't read your emails out. There are just so many coming through. I don't want to make the whole thing just about emails. A holly twig. There's another one. Why would you call yourself? If you're called twig, don't call your daughter holly. I mean, it's nice that so many women are emailing in.

She emails in saying that Richard really loves the Stone Pudding. I was hoping to do some Stone Pudding of my own soon. Well, that's the idea. I mean, you don't have to. You can just listen and sit in your arm chair and imagine this is a virtual reality video game in which you're stone clearing vicariously through me. That's why I'm happy with that.

What else you got to say, Holly? What is the best stone? I mean, I've all the emails. I don't know why I've chosen to read this one out. Come on, darling. I've heard the man talking on his phone about boilers there. He's in a van, and his name is Justin Construction. I mean, that just sounds made up, doesn't it?

My favorite stone is just any stone. I don't have any favorites, Holly. And this twig with the double G, by the way, so it's not quite as bad as it's still when you say it comes out. Just if you're called something weird, I mean, if your child's called herring, for example, don't call him something that people call him dicky fish or dick herring.

Don't do that. That would be stupid. It'd be like a joke. If you've got a little twig, don't call your child Holly. This is more to your parents, Holly. I hope they're still alive. I mean, in a way, I hope they're dead, no offense. I say, I'm dead, I'm sorry.

But they deserve to be dead for what they've done to you. Anyway, we're back home. Justin Construction has emailed in. Apparently, they've got Blakey Rock hands up. And he said, is it possible for me to buy any of your stones to use in my constructions? My name is Justin Construction. I also construct things.

It's that thing, that word, you know, where normative determination. It's good you knew that phrase. I didn't know that phrase, Justin, say. And would you ever consider selling me all the stones so I could build a house of stones and say this is the house of stones from Richard Herring's field? I know, is the answer.

I'm constructing my own. I don't want any tips from you, Justin. I prefer to build things my own way. Even if that means they just fall down and are no good. And B, the stones can not leave the field, except the ones I've done for the kickstarter. A class. That is one of the rules of stone thing.

The first rule of stone is there's no rules of stone. The second rule is there's no rules of stone. Unless you want to be cursed. And what would you want? And it's a bad curse. So you wouldn't want, I mean, all curses are bad. So why would you want to be cursed? Must you take the stones from the field to build other stuff?

That is just basic stone purring. It's so obvious it doesn't even need to be a rule, but it is still a rule. That is the second rule of stone purring. I'd prefer just to eat a kibble at the moment. And so sorry, Justin, no. Whatever you offer me, I would not take that. Good luck with your construction.

Good luck with the boiler problems you're having as we went past your van. So now, even if you offered me all the seven-year-old women in the village and I'm like there, it's a hard ring and I can just stick into anything and everyone's happy with it. No. I'm not interested.

And there are all the dugs. I don't even thought about them. Anyway, look, I've got to get on because it's a busy day. I'm trying to get some stuff done. You've got a good 40-minute podcast there. So you've got to be happy. I mean, probably the shorter the better, right? I'm joking.

Of course, the longer is the better. We'll have that with more. Do come and see Michael Faheen at the Kings Place beautiful venue in Kings Cross on the 17th of June. Obviously, we've also had on the tent if you want to have a break from the stone purring chat. And yeah, do spread the word about this podcast, but keep it secret and don't tell anyone what I'm doing.

Okay, bye. Thanks for listening. Bye. Thanks for all the emails. Bye. You have been listening to Fautone Clearing with Richard Herring and Wolfie the Dog, also featuring the heavy-dugged woman

whose dog is called Orlando. I hope she doesn't work out who I mean by that. Thank you to The Voice of the Fautones and Rahulah Fattabaugh, guest Michael Faheen. Thank you to Michael Cosgrave for creating this beautiful music. We'll be back next week with my fan friends. Bye.

Thank you.