Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 28

Episode Date: June 13, 2019

Chapter 28: Bramble (Not Bryan) Protector. It's around 7.50am on 13th June 2019 and the Stocean has been replaced by a still, yet wet lake of wheat which will have any stone clearer wetting their britches and questioning the role of the foreskin. Not many stones are cleared as the podcast diverts into some unnecessary areas and a shape-shifting member of the stone-stasi is bearing down on Richard and not in the way that he secretly hopes for. Plus some emails. See the Voice of the Ftones, Michael Fheen live on stage, talking about what this job means to him at King's Place on 17th June: https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/whats-on/comedy/richard-herring-podcast-17-jun/

Hello hello hello. Do do do do do do good pushy cat. Any wolfs? Whoopee! Stop in the deck. Come here. Here you go. All right, come on little wolfs

Come on little wolfies Come on sweetheart, good girl, you're a terrible guard dog, come on, come with me, be nice. Hello there, welcome to yet another chapter of Potom Clearing with Richard Herring. Watch out, there's a doggy behind there, do you want to be friends? He doesn't want to be friends, does he? It's the 13th of June 2019, 7.47am, it's another morning stone clear, it's been raining a lot, the ground is damp, the crops, well we're not there yet, but certainly the flora around here is very green, verdant, I would call it, and the ground is wet, not too muddy, so it's up most of this rain out there on the field, here we are, the nettle is high at the edge of the field, and the crops, the wheat, I think we can be fairly clear, it is now, is as high as my dog now, the dog, and it is like an ocean now,

it's an ocean made of plant life, when the dog, last night the dog jumped in there, disappeared beneath the waves, came out soaking wet, because of course the plants gathered up the rain and covered in rain, and there she goes, she's jumping through, it just looks like a still ocean, a lake perhaps, a lake of wheat, and my dog almost entirely lost beneath it now, actually possibly there's a poo, it's hard to see, but it's not my problem, that poo is far away, and out of my bailiwick, so yeah, so it's just a regular day stone clearing, picked up my first stone, it's a small, small, large, it's been sliced in two at some point, a little egg sized little bird, a small egg, a small of a small bird, sliced in half, leaving an almost butter scotchy appearance to the front on the clean cut, this is the only stone I cleared today, it will not have been a very impressive day stone clearing, but I'm quite a long way around the field already, and then another even smaller stone just picked up from the path just to hit the fence, and there it goes,

I mean it now becomes very difficult to clean anything much more than the path, the crops are a wall, up to my knee height, my legs, the reference are 27.5 inches long, maybe 27.5 and 28 inches long up to the apex where my genitalia reside, and these are coming up, well actually the taller ones are almost up to the said genitalia, and that's where they join obviously, where the genitalia ends is quite a good distance further down from the leg apex, as I like to call it, when the crops were one inch off the ground, had I been walking naked, my bell end would have been brushing against the tips of that wheat, and I'm not saying I would be excited to find that, but that is why we have a foreskin my friends, arguably, because my male friends I'm talking to there, of course females do not, so we have foreskin, and though some do this day and age of course I should add that,

and it's there to protect you from brambles and the like, you know it's a theory, it's a theorem, you don't want your old bell end ripped open by a bramble, that's the last thing you want, so why not have a little foreskin on there to have that ripped open instead, I mean it's not the great system, by any means, that's what I'm saying, why some people are dispensed with it, we don't want to get into the politics of whether male genital mutilation is a positive or a negative, I'll read my book Talking Cock, if you want to find out more about this, this isn't a foreskin podcast, this isn't Richard Herring's foreskin protection podcast, this is Richard Herring's stone-curing podcast, and precious few stones have been cleared, I think three stones have been, no four stones have been cleared so far,

and I've got a fifth in my hand, it's a small, medium, large, and I am getting soaked by the stocian, right here, even though I'm at the edge, I'm wearing just jogging bottoms today, with that kind of cloth kind, and they are already soaked, even just by gently brushing against the edge of this, so I'm just glad I'm wearing trousers as well, because I'd hate to think what damage could be done, even just to my foreskin, which is of course not as important as the bell-end part of my pants. Down in the bottom corner of the field now, where one of my major kens is, but it's very much hidden now by prodigious growth, and yeah, this is a full errand really at the moment, coming around this field, looking for stones, and all I can do is just occasionally clear one out of the path, and can I see my, yeah, there, I can just see,

and I hear the click there of stone against ken, another tiny, tiny stone, nothing bigger than the size of maybe 10-50 pps put together in a slightly hammered bit, that's coming out of the ground as yet, a couple of, those are the biggest yet, just a couple coming out of the path. Well, one of them is big, I mean, I want to say big, it's the size of an arrow head, of a really big arrow head though, I mean, not the kind of arrow that would bring down a dragon, not that size, but if you're looking at an arrow, it's just, it's like a leaf, it's the shape of a leaf, and it's the size of a leaf I'd say from, maybe an oak tree, fairly mature oak tree. I hope we're getting an idea of the sizes of the stones I'm getting out here, they're going into the base of the trees,

in the continuing battle to destroy, destroy those trees of course, so, it is very much a quiet time of year for the stone clearer, and unpleasant time of year when the crops are this wet, even where I had to walk out into the station, I might find a few stones, if I was patient, without trampling too much, or there's just a loose stone line on the ground, on the path, which is quite unusual, must be kicked up by some of the pedestrian on here, but it's off now, don't raise off the field. It would take a long time, it would take me a long time, and a lot of damp pants, by which I mean an American sense of pants, not yet high enough to get too much, or underwear. And it's the time for this, I understand why the stone clothes of old did this job,

naked, because, of course, it's unpleasant to be walking in damp pantaloons, as they would have worn at a time, or toga, because if you go back that far, a damp tailor was really probably what brought the Roman Empire down. My second main camp here at the side entrance to the field. Again, pretty much camouflaged by the many weeds that have grown around it. Oh, I thought it was going to be bigger than that, I thought I'd found a real iceberg there, a little bit bigger than I expected. Two or three nice sides, well, two nice sides, those are my little tiddler,

out and just thrown casually into the underground. Some of them are calling me about this, baby. I mean, them passing a lot of stones in the path, but I don't want to take too many of these up, or damage the destruction integrity of the path here. I'll talk about this a little bit, just allow the daily walking of pedestrians to cover up the small gaps you're making in the soil. Say, at this time, of course, with wet soil, that should happen more often. Well, that's the biggest of the day.

That's about three-quarters of the Roman Empire in the hand there, in width and depth and everything. If she'd dosed her fingers, I won't do them with her fingers, but the palm of an Hermione hand, three-quarters, taking up that stone, and probably the thickest, the thickest Hermione hand I'm guessing. I don't know the thickness, I only know the actual flat 2D size, based on my experience at Harry Potter World, where they have Hermione's hand display, just the handprint that you can put your own hand in, which I've done,

and that's why, if you're not aware of what the Hermione hand measurement is, that is why I have an Hermione hand that I can use myself to use very conveniently, as that is one of the main stone-curing measurements. It's not the same as a hand for a horse's hand, it's a small hand. Oh, and a Hermione hand, as it's known. So it push on leaves, drifting from the bushes along the hill, just a little like it's a slightly sad wedding party for me and my dog. I would never marry my dog.

Just don't believe we need a legal document for mental love. Also, I am technically married, I'm not sure it's legal to marry a dog, but even in an unofficial ceremony I wouldn't do so, for the reasons I have extrapolated earlier. Not much about stone-curing in this podcast, I do apologize, but that's what's interesting about stone-curing, I think it does need you on the other aspects of life, dog marrying, foreskin management.

Oh, that's a lovely one, that's the site, that's like a small Easter egg size. Easter egg that's slightly melted by a radiator, and on the left it's the colour of an Easter egg as well. Milk chocolate, maybe slightly caramel hue, something between the milk chocolate and the caramac. It would be an Easter egg you'd be disappointed to receive as a main Easter egg, but if you found that on Easter egg hunt you would be probably super mildly delighted. And that goes, I managed to find a few compatriots there up underneath the tree.

It joins them. And remember every stone off the field is a stone that does not need to be cleared. Again, as the old saying goes, you may think, hey, not many stones are going off the field today, which you're right and not, but every one gone is one that does not have to go again, you're one stone closer to the target of zero stones. And I haven't really been able to estimate, no one around by the way, there's a little damp, maybe dog walkers are choosing to go somewhere where

they don't have to walk through sodden grass. And maybe that makes this quite a good time to stone clear. That's the thing, things can seem negative and then actually be quite positive. Another nice couple coming up from the path there. Oh, and a very unaccounted, little nest really, don't, unaffected by wheat growth, right at that point. So they go on there, that's all this one. Another decent sized small medium, I mean medium small, I'm going to say that.

It is a confusing system, I have to say in my life. The new system, maybe the ether egg hunt one is more apt. I do want to paint a picture of what's going on here for you without necessarily having to bring a film crew with me every time. We'll be doing that on one occasion this year for those of you who contributed to the kickstarter to this fishing level. And the crops are a little bit lighter here, so I can look in to see if there are any... Oh, that's the biggest of the day. That's bigger than an irony hand. About the width of an irony hand or the depth.

That is like maybe a quarter of a Hagrid's hand if you chopped a Hagrid's fingers. I don't know really how big Hagrid's hand is, but I mean that would be a hefty hand if there was four of those put together. I don't really know if that harry potter to take the whole harry potter hand, I think much beyond the size of the one hand that I'm aware of. Must have a little chunker, that's a chunker there. Chunky in every direction. You could probably stick that on top of a royal mace,

and that could be the kind of garand stone if this kind of stone was considered worth putting on a mace. A small one for the queen, not the big one for the king. That should give you an idea of what that one was like. Nicely done. Just sometimes it's worth squeezing the stones just to get an idea of just how solid stone is. It's really solid. You can squeeze that as hard as you like, it doesn't make any difference. Do squeeze your stones out on the fields.

Just to appreciate that. Oh, and there is a dog walker. I haven't noticed. Hopefully a dog walker. He might be a strange man, a capped man. He's going to have to let the stone clear and go. He might have seen me holding that to orb. I'm sure it struck him that it looked like the top of a mace as well,

even from this distance. Looks a bit like my father-in-law, but I don't think it could be because he does not live here. He wears a similar cap and scarf. I'm saying something that a man is wearing a scarf out in the middle of June. What is happening to our world? Why is it so wet and cold? I had the central heating and actually it's not scarred, it's a dog lead. Scratch everything I just said.

Wolfie! Come on, don't. No, and it's a woman. So, you know, pretty wrong observations. Come on, Wolfie. Good girl. Morning. Come on.

Morning. Very impressive jump into the wheat there. Wolfie, come on. Good girl. Good girl, Wolfie. Very good. I think for Wolfie on the lead, don't you? It was a sort of chocolate-colored, a Dalmatian, that dog is not a Dalmatian.

Chocolate-colored. Those chocolate labrador, that's what it was. Oh, they are coming this way, so they have to be a bit quiet. Come on, Wolfie, let's get you on the lead. Just in case. That is right behind me. I'm just going to make it a little quiet bit at the podcast. I'll just walk a little bit quicker.

So, we're missing out on a lot of wonderful stones here. One of the most beautiful stones that I was very much looking forward to gathering at this point. It's a sense of a source of huge annoyance to me. Wolfie is going down one track. There's a serial between us. And I'm in the other one. Oh, there are so many beautiful stones here. But I cannot gather.

What do I do at the top, do I take? At the middle, should I go down the long way? Ah, this is a disaster. This is a disaster for stone clearing. So, there's some way behind me as I'm moving pretty quickly along here. But, oh, because there's some tracks off here. It was just garlanded with stones. Well played.

Well played, anti-stone gatherers. You sent her at the right time. And if I really had my chest breaking on, I would, of course, have just carried on the way she came from by this point. I'm just going to pick up one stone. It's loose. Oh, she doesn't know it's that. At least that's one. And as I said, every stone off the beard is one stone.

Just have to check behind it. She isn't too close enough to hear me talking. I could really give the game away. As to if there is me picking up a stone just in front of her. Come on, Wolfie. What a disaster. I may not almost feel like jettling this whole podcast as a result of this brilliant move from the anti-stone clearing lobby in the village. I think they suspect me.

They have no evidence, though. That's the thing I know. I think that it's me that's doing this. And we're going to cut down towards the maple. This is going to be an incredibly short podcast. The amount of stone clearing that was going on even before this point was minimal. And we've missed out on just so much there. So many stones.

I might even just go around again. Anyway, one stone onto the central cane. And I'll just... We'll see if we find it. That's the question. Have I made the right choice? Will she be able to preempt this move and follow me this way as well? Or will she be set on the course across the field and not be able to deviate at least juncture?

I think we may be shaking around. Yes. We've made the right choice, my friends. But it's still going to be hard to do any proper stone clearing. We could just pretend we're fast enough shoelace down there, even though we're in Wellington, because that doesn't matter. I'll just gather up. So the capped man with the scarf, he turned out to be a woman with a dog lead around her neck.

And that in itself is suspicious. That in itself gives me pretty strong evidence that she is part of some sinister force right here to get me shape-shifting force. She convinced me she was my father-in-law to put me at my ease, make me drop my guard, and then at the last minute, bang, she was actually not. A 65-70-year-old man, but probably a woman in her 30s or 40s. And that bamboos with me, of course. And the result is a pretty unsatisfactory day morning of stone clearing already.

Even though I was seeing nearly every stone off the field as a stone, you don't have to clear again another time. I believe that was the phrase. Well, now she's not looking in this direction at all, so there is an opportunity to just pick up a couple more stones on the way down towards the can that never grows. I mean, three nice-sized mediums. Well, one of them's definitely a small, sorry.

Together, they probably make up an Hermione hand with fingers. It's a nice way of looking at it. I don't really like the measurement without the fingers, because it's quite an unpleasant image, but Hermione can always magic back some more fingers. And I should say it's definitely a Hermione hand, and I have a Watson hand that is always in fingers. Of course, I don't know what would have to have some phionic fingers placed in

if she were to lose her fingers, and I hope that never happens. It does happen. It's not my fault. So, I'm soddened. The crops just down here are right way exceed my genitalia, whereas walking through this with no pants on, my foreskin were being battered this way and that, and nipped by the stone. I'm going to keep one of these through the stone pole,

and if I can hit it in one, I will. If I won't, I'll have to find some more stones from somewhere. Actually, whatever is down here, because this is a dip in the field, and yet the crops are even higher, is where I took my photo for the last week's podcast, and I have to tell you, since then, there has been significant growth.

Okay, one shot. I'm like Eminem. I've just got one shot. I'm fucking missed by a mile. Let's try this one. There's always some stones around here, which is sort of weird. It doesn't make me think someone is putting more ammunition here. Oh, other side this time.

Calibrated too far. Let's have another crack. I know some people can't go back there week until this has happened. That was it. I bet you heard that. That was a high up on the pole, but a definite hit. And I'm doing it so much, I'm just going to take a couple more shots

from a very different angle through a tree, and I still hit it. What a fucking stone pole genius I am. Two in a row, didn't quite get three in a row, but if you'd seen the angle, that'd come from you. Very impressed. There's actually waters found its way down.

My child went into my boot now, which is chiply unpleasant. It's not nice out here, and this is the kind of conditions I would have expected in the late winter, early spring. Here we are in the summer. Wet footed. Someone's cut back the weeds a little bit on this side.

I'll just trample them back. It looks like a bed. This may be where people can come in to make love. Actually, the weeds are just pushed down. The nettles are pushed down on disgusting dog walkers. And plain sight, turning the nature into their bed,

making love upon a bed, living hay. What a wonderful and all disgusting thing that could happen. They really... There should be a law against that. I mean, it's weird that I have the stone clone, the one being pursued

by shape-shifting demons from the future. And yet, people committing the real crime, making love in the open air with people they're not webs to. That will get everything done. They run free and happy, and they're almost admired by the hypocrites and authority.

Anyway, a couple more stones up. Let's get that out of our minds. It's not what this is about. It's clear minds of that stuff. I'm approaching the main care, which is looking more pathetic again daily. I don't know if it's just been worn down by the elements,

or just it was never quite as grand as I thought it was. There it is. Sudden. Like my trousers. And I am in my actual... The light grey of my trousers is now dark grey. My boot is...

I've got big few stones on this can. I've just found my way forward a little bit, and I'm going to just help them back off the field with my trowel. Yes, it's thoroughly unpleasant. My sock is actually quite damp. My genitals are fine. They're not worth at all.

And in a sense, that's symbolic, isn't it? Dry old genitals. I'm walking around a field. I just... I hope you feel there's been enough stone clearing in this episode to keep you happy. I don't know if it's got a little foreskin heavy.

I hope you've learnt something about the foreskin. But here we are heading down the hill. Always a disappointing part. Coming to the ditch that stopped Brexit seems to be... I mean, you know, I don't want to question the powers of the non-Brexit ditch, but I'm a bit worried so we're heading for a no-deal Brexit

with Boris Johnson as our Prime Minister, and if that's been what the ditch has been trying to make happen, then I am not very happy with the ditch. I thought the ditch was trying to stop Brexit and not make a no-deal Brexit with the worst person in the world, or a second worst, probably,

person to be in charge of the decision. So... Well, we'll see. I'm putting a couple of nice sides to one, quite, you know, medium, small, small. One little flat. Looks like a page from a book.

A few pages, if I'm honest. I just dropped it a bit. Again, it must have actually picked up a stone, unless there is somebody observing you. You must, of course, pick up that stone again. It's one of the many rules. There are no rules to stone clearing. That's the first rule.

But one of the rules is definitely that you must leave a picked-up stone unpicked up, except in one circumstance. Those who have gone into the Brexit ditch, let's hope that keeps to work, carries on working, that I haven't been accidentally fueling a Brexit. So none of us wanted.

Well, I mean, 32% of us probably wanted. And so we leave the field. The wheat is high. I might just take a little photo for the podcast. Or there might be a photo of a foreskin in the podcast. Not mine. It will be a... You'll have seen whatever the picture is.

Very dirty hands here. We're messing it up. Does that give a... an idea of the height to put the stone in? No. No. An idea of the height to put the dog in there.

You've got to be seeing it. Oh, my dirty fingers are making it go to different... Right. Well... At least I had my sanity, and that's a valuable commodity in this difficult world. Um...

I'm obviously on the lead all this time. Sorry, Wolfs. And just one very flat small stone to go on the opening ditch. So the opening can. And a very dirty trail goes back into my pocket.

And Wolfie and I head down the path back home, and I think this is... Sorry, Wolfie. Yeah, I mean, we're only at 30 minutes, I think, of the walk. About 30 minutes. And, uh... I don't think anyone could really be happy with what's happened here today.

So, uh, thanks for all the emails that keep coming in, really too many for me to mention. Uh, everyone. Um... Uh, Imogen Stork. Didn't touch. Huh. Say, uh...

Why don't you read more emails, Rich? I mean, you know, I've been talking about four schemes like I'm guessing you probably will do in the next week's podcast. I don't know how she predicted that with Imogen Stork. Um, well... You have to get into the flow of this image, and, you know, you have to understand

that stone clearing will take you wherever your mind happens to go. And the stone clearing is the destination that the journey must occasionally include four schemes, I'm sorry, if that offends you.

So, a beautiful thing created by God, and... I don't think you should find them in battle. There's a bit of a chest ice in there for Imogen Stork. I hope it will take it too hard. Uh... It's passing a man in a van, so I don't have to pretend I'm not talking to myself.

Graham BMW. Um... That's actually spelled B-E-E... E-M... Um... W. Uh, he's been in touch. He's got to wait for some traffic here.

Uh, to say... How are you going to imagine with a ceremony like this? I've had the Mickey staking out of me quite a lot in my time, so please do not take the Mickey out of that. It's, uh, an old... Ratislavi in the surname. Um...

But anyway, on to stone clearing. Uh, what... Do you have to give a new stone clear one piece of advice? What would it be? That's an interesting question, but maybe you should listen to the first podcast. Um, which is basically about that.

So, stop wasting my time. Um, good. Probably, uh, you might be going, well, we're at home now. Let's, uh, see anything that's going on. The cat's on the table. Oh, the door's not locked. I thought I locked it. Oh, I think my mother-in-law's arrived.

That's what's happening. Um, oh, it's dirty down here, isn't it? Come on then. Come here. We'll be. There you go. Uh, I've got a bit of dirt on my hands, because I am currently blubbering this, of course, on these quests.

And that up in the sink. Yeah, it was probably time for the, uh, podcast to end. Just see if there are any more emails coming. Um, the Duke of Wellington, not the historical figure, but the current Duke of Wellington,

which is probably his one. Um, he's written into saying, you know, are you sure that, um, force things are there to stop protect, stop brambles, cutting people up? I mean, I just, I know that hasn't happened yet,

but I've just got a feeling you probably will come across and talk about that subject at some point. This email is probably what put that in my mind, to be honest. Um, oh, just get my wet socks off. They're really wet. Uh, I think, uh, it probably isn't that, and it doesn't matter

if you cut it off. As I said, this is a stone clearing podcast. Um, if we were going to talk about it, I would add the furthest I can stretch it is to testicles, which are a bit like stones. Uh, I do not want to get, uh, protracted conversations with people who think

circumstances and should or shouldn't happen. Um, it's not, it's not what this podcast is about. Please don't email me about that. This is the podcast about stones, clearing stones, and, you know, do you really are stretching it testicles?

Um, anyway, I think I didn't go enough there for this week's podcast. I hope everyone will be happy with that. Um, I was just meaning to have the producer mentioned. Maybe we'll do that next time. There may be a little break. I'm off on holiday for a couple of weeks. Uh, but we might just do

a stone clearing podcast from the holiday. If I can find a suitable place to clear stones, just to talk about what we can do if you are away from your home field. So we've made producer podcast. Uh, we may not. We may, we may just have a

holiday. My wife might just say, can you stop doing podcasts for a bit? Especially the ones that, you know, don't bring in any money and are stupid in a waste of time and make you look mentally ill. And I'd say to her, how do you know about this

podcast? You don't know about it. She'd say that is true. So that's that covered. Right, I'm going to go now. I hope you've enjoyed the podcast. Sorry, it got about the shape-shifting woman who ruined it. Uh, apologies if you were offended by any of the

foreskin, chat or minds understanding of, uh, the modern world. Okay, take care. Keep stone clearing. Hope you enjoy it. Bye.