Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 29

Episode Date: July 1, 2019

Chapter 29: Don't Be Distracted By Botany. It's 8.10am on 1st July 2019 and the big news is that Richard has misplaced his trowel. Will the last minute substitute that he found in his garage suffice? There's only one way to find out. It's very much a first day back at work after the holidays, but includes some excellent long lobs, a major and flagrant transgression into the Whocean, bare legs and a terrifying new surveillance technique from the Stone Stasi which could capture even the most rat-like stone clearer. Plus further lessons in Anglo-Faxon and a flirtation with a sexy listener via the medium of cat-sick. This podcast really has everything.

Stone Clearing with Richard Herring Well hello there, welcome to another chapter of Stone Clearing with Richard Herring. Where are you about 28? I don't know, 29? 30? I don't keep count. But anyway, it's about 8.11 on the 1st of July 2019. We're definitely in the summer months now, my fine friends. Back home after the vacation away from the field. As you all have heard, I did do a little bit of stone clearing to keep my hand in. Up on the hill's very secret location from Devon, I won't ever reveal.

Going to be back in the sunny day, it's been a very hot weekend and have been up on the field since coming back from holiday though I didn't record it. Last night in fact I followed the trail through the field of wheat, I felt like Theresa May. But there was a gap and I did find a lot of stones, just a few yards out of the field really. It gave me some idea of the scope of what I still have to achieve as I've been dithering around on the edges as you'll know for most of the last few months. So to get a little way out and find the many many stones that are just on one little pathway through the stones. We may venture out there today if there's not too many people around. The bad news is I can't locate my archaeological trowel. I did see it yesterday, it was in the sandpit the kids have been playing with it, which is obviously not right.

I've just been really looking for it all the last 20 minutes or is a dead mouse on the pathway there, come we'll see that. The dead mouse, it's not for you, life and death here, we cannot care for the death of a mouse when there is so much else to be done. And I've been looking for something, well I didn't find the trowel is the longer short of it. But I have got a wallpaper removing device. We'll be right by the side of the park, come on girl, have some decorum, which we'll see how that does. That's the closest I could find to my trowel. I have to say, although actually as we get away from that corner the wheat is at a more manageable length. The wheat here is high now, not as high as it was just the end of the field, there are cobwebs in it, that's how high it is.

Imagine that. And there's really no way of seeing anything on the actual field, unless I am to go out into those trackways a little way out, which we may, that does involve walking through wheat. Which as we know is one of the naughtiest things potential prime ministers I still see myself can do. So very much just still dithering around in the edges here, finding what I can in the park. But even the park is somewhat overgrown. Grass one side and wheat the other, I mean it's a fairly useless time for this donker. Just finding some loose stones here in the, I mean they're definitely on the small scale from the path.

Good to be back though, you know, it's good to have a little rest from your field. You can go a bit stone blind if you're just looking at stone stones endlessly. So although it was interesting to view the stones of another county, it's much harder to get these things up with a wallpaper peeler than it is with an archaeological trial. It's almost like the archaeologists have thought through what they're doing. It's still possible though, another loose one here with a flint. I've dropped it but it will not escape me. My clutches.

I mean it's interesting to see now the crops are thick, tightened together. It's like a very plush and extremely thick carpet. I mean the wheat here is going up to my, but I think above my genitalia, I have to walk through it. And I am wearing shorts today. It's going to be a little taste of what it might have been like to be one of those. There's a ritual naked stone clover, especially with this wheat around, biting at my lower legs. I'm actually wearing swimming trunks, but they're short-style swimming trunks. I'm not going to come out and speed those all scare the locals.

Let's just see how the pallet knife is going to look cool, doesn't it? That worked quite well there. I've got a nice, I mean small, maybe medium-large chunk of flint out. They all have to come out. And just tossing it casually into that huge amount of undergrowth. I mean it's almost impossible to stay true to any of my cans at the moment. Beautiful purple flowers growing here, and then blue, white, red, yellow. It's just a cacophony of color.

I know cacophony is a sound, but that's what it's like. I'm using poetry, my friends. Different kinds of grasses and unusual thistle. Don't get distracted by the wonders of botanical nature. As you clear your stones, that is what they're there to do. The reason flowers happen, plants happen, beautiful flowers, is to distract stone clearers. So the plants, they say, wow, pigeon has been really ripped apart there. That's quite terrifying.

Ow, just being pricked by thistles as we passed through a slightly thorny bit. My lower legs wishing that I'd worn long trousers today. Went to a summer fete in the village. I didn't appreciate quite how hot it was over the weekend. We ended up in quite a house of peach-cool all the year round, really. And once I got out of that blazing heat wearing my long black trousers, I got slightly foolish when I got to the plate and everyone else was very short. I mean, I was the strange man and the long-trousered man in the village,

and that's the only so far eccentric thing that anyone in this village would have seen from me in a clue to my true personality where I'm seen as an upstanding member of society and my secret life. This is the real me, of course. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know who I am. I think I'm probably just kind of countered or something. I have no idea.

We'll be warfed now by the crops. Just their tails sticking above us. She tried to eat something amongst the weeds. I think, well, it's just jumping and appearing. It really does become a stopian. But, well, more of a ocean, I suppose, because we are what, W-H-O-T-E-N? What dog walking distance there?

Yeah, that's Michael. Walking slowly hasn't seen me. If any of these dog walkers are on my side in 1984, my, I've got Julia, and Michael, anyway, is that character who we might end up in a room full of stones one day cleaning stones together, or taking away, and I have to face my worst fear, walking through some weeds and naked,

even though my foreskin will protect most of the end of my penis. It's still not a nice thing to have to imagine happening. So I should clear a few stones, but since bendy knife is only barely adequate, and it really feels like these plants are just trying to squeeze the life out of me and of the stones, the pathway is as narrow as it would be. Dare I transgress outwards?

Maybe I dare. I mean, the thing is, it's almost high enough to hide me. And maybe I'll just walk up here. There is a track to path through the fields here. And it's close enough to the edge that I can just like last night, I was on the other side of the field, but I was managing to pick up some of them and fling them. Let's just see what this path is like in terms of stone.

There's just like, yeah, that's quite, this is a bar and I haven't thrown that anywhere far enough, because this is a place I've never really been to. There are stones just lying atop the field, which don't even need to be cut out with a tool. Oh no, that's another poor throw. I mean, that actually has made the path, I think. I'd say on the track I went down yesterday,

there was a lot of very exciting looking big stones, very too deep for me to get to. I didn't have my political trial then either. I may never see it again. This pathway has less of those at the moment, but if I see anyone coming I can of course just dip down, tend to be lie down. Let's see if we can get this to the edge.

Do you remember when you're throwing stones this far? This is quite a distance. If you check there is no animals or people around. There are no rooms to stone-climbing. That's the first wall of stone going back. The second wall is doing not throw stones. Animals, people or children, if I don't see if people may be walking,

they must not hit another creature, even though they're there. Don't get excited by the throwing. She's chasing those. That one nearly made the edge of the field. I'll pick that up later. That one's well into the hedges. That could have gone through the hedge and hit someone to be fair, so you do have to be careful.

It's not too depressing coming up here. There aren't millions of stones here. I'd say 20 or 30 stones to every square foot on the surface, at least. It's not like this is impossible to get out this far. Clear this lot. If you've done my trousers, these are old chewing chunks.

I have to say, because of the weight loss I've had this year, they're not really staying up very well. I'm slightly stuck out here now, because if I try to walk off the track, I'll have to pass through a proper weight, which will chafe up my legs. There's a twin track to the one I'm on, which I could be going down.

That is more for students with stones. There's a bounty here, but not a huge bounty. I think as we get closer to the top of the field, I think we may find more stones. I'm getting heavier stone trapping up here. I'm very excited by these stones, right? I can obviously pretend if I'm caught that I'm just doing some kind of exercise for my dog.

It's quite dangerous. I am being very careful that she is nowhere near the stones as the throne. That's a tiny, small one that I've got mainly off the field. That goes comfortably into the... I mean, we are talking now. I'm throwing here 20, 25 feet. It's pretty good exercise. Oh, that one's gone a bit short.

I mean, I wish I had my trowel rather than this inferior implement. But when there's a dog walker there in the distance, I don't think they've seen me. I mean, this is... As a daytime walk, this is quite a dangerous thing to do. And oh, much stony ground as we head up here. A lot of work to do at this point.

And the wheat are actually a lot less high making me, oh, there's a beauty here. I might have to have a go at this with the palette knife. I think these will don't... It's so far, I can't quite see whether those ones I'm throwing are making the edge or not. But they've sent me a lot closer to the edge than they were when we started. So, don't you see all the essence come up?

I mean, that's a medium, medium, medium right there. I think, oh, there's another beauty here. I mean, two big stones, and I've actually... That's probably a large, small, small... Which sounds small, doesn't it? Because they're too small, so it's actually quite big. It's the biggest of the day. Yeah, and now we're basically more stone than soil at this point.

We'll see the beauties. And we'll take a few of these up again. This one is... Oh, this one's very deep. The palette knife is not up to this, I don't think. No. That one will have to wait for another day. And, yeah, why is the weed so low down here?

Would have found that trowel, that's all I can say. This is a very exciting expedition, obviously, for Stone Clearer. And for the woofies, enjoying it too. This does give us some of the magnitude. I was talking to the actor, Caroline Clinton, before the weekend. She's in forthcoming... Well, I was backstage with her, just talking about podcasts. In general, I was telling her about this one.

She seemed... I think it was fine, what I was doing. She did point out that, you know, she is a countryside woman. She was in Devon herself. And she did question whether I'd realised that once the plow comes, that will throw up our whole new set of stones from Binnie. Of course, I've realised that Caroline Clinton, you idiot. I didn't say that to her at the time.

It was quite. So that's part of it, isn't it? I did make me realise that I do have to try and cover as much ground as I can before the plow and the time is here. So it's nice to get out into this little trackway. Let me try this again. It's transgressive, it's much riskier. Certainly in the daytime.

Is that a dog or a rabbit? I think it must be a gap in the crops. Or just a large plant sticking up. Looks like a sort of massive hair. Quite a long way in the distance. Oh, and like the border wall is now actually invisible and impenetrable. There's such a high plant as high as me and I'm a five foot, seven and a half tall man, which is not to be scoffed at.

Certainly in some clear terms, I would have been a giant in the ancient of days. I can find a little gap where I think one of you can hear them clicking there, so I haven't managed to locate my kens. Right, we'll also go this way, darling. We're going to go the traditional proper way across the path, even though we've been through a path. I mean, I hope I can find that child again. If I can, of course, I will have to purchase an additional child,

but I do know it's there. And I don't know if people have put it somewhere safe or whether I just put it down where the kids took it. As you know, you may not know, my son last week was very insistent on trying to get to the beach. I didn't want to go with him. In the morning, I took him down and was trying to get in the river that's there. Something to get out of my shoes.

It wasn't appropriate because he would have got very wet and cold and possibly died, and that's one of my jobs is to prevent that. But when I went down the up and down the system, I'm going down and I'm going to take him once to go, just to pass some time, just to get to a point where you're able to look up to yourself, you fucking idiot. And he went to the little stream there. I'm picking stones out, aligning them along the side of the river,

the little stream, which made me proud. It surprised me, he does not know about stone clearing. I've never told him about my, what I'm doing here. He wouldn't understand, even if I tend to tell him, and yet instinctively, innately, there he is, clearing stones from a river, making a tiny wall along the edge. So it's possible that that instinct of stone clearing is in my genes. Probably I come, it's very difficult to come from a long line of stone clears

because they die so very young, but they are out here rutting in the fields, of course, in the medieval time. And if just as long as a woman can survive long enough to give birth to a baby, if it's lucky enough to be born in the spring, it can be cradled by the crops. It might just grow itself up to spawn another just before its own death. So it's possible that that is something innate within me, that I passed down to my son,

and it's possible that he saw the trowel, or that would be just instinctively, without re-understanding what he was doing, that would be useful for my future stone clearing efforts. He's taken it. Got a few nice little, one medium stone there, got a large, small one and a, what I should say, small to a large, and a small, medium, medium.

I think we'll go on the central can if I can get there unnoticed. Oh, Wolfie doing a poo at last, that's good news. Out in there amongst the wheat. If you eat any wheat-based products later in the year, some of my dog's poo might be in there, just very ground up within it all. So I hope you enjoy that. It's just part of nature, I'm afraid. Eatin' poop.

We all do it, and we all secretly love it. So there's another couple of large tracks there that I could veer off down. I went for now, so I am heading for the central can. I'll add a few to that. I have got quite a few stones at least off the field, or closer to being off the field today. Quite pleased with this. This is my first major attempt since the holidays,

and yours is actually a little bit rusty when you come back from the break. But aside from working with the wrong implement, I think I'm doing pretty well. We have dog barkings. Of course the crops do add this extra dimension, but it's easier for me to hide, but also it's easier for the seekers to seek. They can appear out of nowhere,

find me with a tiny fist full of stones. And how do I explain this? I've got five stones in one hand, two in the other. What am I doing here? Six in one hand now to pick up another one. How can I explain this without giving away the game? That's why I have to stay vigilant. And to be fair, I seem to have got away with these ones.

There's a bird up on the telegraph wire there. A big, suspiciously large bird. Could be a human in a suit. You'll have to keep looking out for these things. Fetal care is actually quite accessible, due to something that's just been cut back here, I think. Comforting, clink, clink. Just chucked another couple of loose stones from this path

onto that pile. And I suppose another benefit of this crop growth is it does hide your ken, so it does mean you can get a few more stones onto your kens without arousing too much suspicion. Now, if you've been listening every week, which I hope you have, you can't just start at this one, you idiot.

If you want to make any sense to you, if you haven't listened to all the others, I was concerned that the brilliance of my main ken would actually attract attention to what I was doing and better actually to eat everything out very slowly around the edge, so the wall grows without really anyone noticing happening. But of course, once the plants come,

you can get quite a few stones out. Just picked up three tiddlers there. They're all together in a little lump. I thought they were poo. And one of them is very poo-like, but I can branch it solid and it's stone. And I'm not crunching out the tiny dog's feces in my hand. And these are pretty good stone pole stones,

so I might hold onto them for that. I mean, the pallet knife, I think, has been a disappointment really basically in helping to get any stone that I might have been able to get with my fingers just slightly more quickly. I'm not even using it at the moment. Getting really nipped by the wheat on my lower legs. I'm suffering for this art,

but a few welts, a few permanent scars are as nothing to what I'm achieving here, Caroline Quentin. Actually, this is, to be honest, I don't think we should have had a discussion before if she did mind. So this would be a weird place to start. So yeah, it's very much the first day back at work. When you go back to work after you've been on holiday,

you don't work too hard. You're not really making a cup of tea, hiding around the corner a bit so you can get away with it until you're really into the meat of it. And I think you'll agree that this podcast has very much been that. The bare minimum requirement. Not many lolls, but we're not here for the lolls, are we? We're here for the good advice.

And I think you'll agree that using these secret trails through whatever crop you are working with, unless you're lucky enough to be in our field that's laying fallow, but you can get a lot of work done on those years. I don't know if farmers do that so much these days with all their new techniques. We'll see. Hopefully that will happen to me. It hasn't happened this year.

It was every four years, what I remember from geography. So I've thrown one of the larger stones onto the... I picked up that onto the central pile. I still have three, the can that never grows. I still have three to go to the May stone pole. Again, I think someone's been doing a bit of gardening around here. Everything's a bit lower down, and the first one misses, hits the pole, next to the pole.

Oh, hits the fence, hits the pole. But bang, right on the pole, right on the bit of tape around the middle of it. Third time lucky, hope you cheered. We're here, beautiful beauty. Those red flowers that were there, picture for two or three weeks ago. Looking fantastic, few weeds amongst them.

It is, again, don't be distracted by the beauty of nature. It's the ugliness of stone that interests us. It's the permanence of a wall that can be seen from space that will eventually bear your name. That is what we're looking for here. Again, we've now been largely managed to avoid people

on these podcast walks. There seem to be many dog walkers around. They are quite elderly, generally speaking. Some of them may have passed on. There may be going on more. Less challenging routes, obviously, once the plants grow, it does become difficult to fight your way through. I'm more elderly.

I'm still 51 years of age. Very much 51. Another 11 days, and I'll probably get a whole new podcast in before I turn 52. It's not something I'm worried about getting older. I'm not being able to clear as efficiently. If you are a bit older than me

and you're doing this, you should be thinking about that. There are a lot of big stone piles while Yi Sun Doth behind. The Fun Doth behind, because it will become harder to bend down. It will become harder to do everything. There will be more pain. And really only a bit of pebbles here around the main can.

I will add to it. It's not made much difference. There's someone coming on a fucking horse behind me. Jesus Christ. We'll nip down here. I've never seen a horse out on this field. I'll just come down the path as if it's the most normal thing in the world.

Now, that is quite scary. I don't know whether that is some new tactic. It does mean I probably can't go down the middle of the field as I was playing to, but it's good because I can't really get the stones I saw last night out with this. I don't even want thinking bringing this little point. I have to say, when I saw my archaeological trial last night,

it did quite bent and sad and useless. So maybe it is time to invest in another one. Let's see if there's anyone catering specific stone clears out there. I'm not sure, but if I find, if you are a company that makes stone clearing equipment, this would be the ideal marketplace for you, really. Not like on a big grand scale. I'm not sure if you have those big plows that can pick up stones,

and that's not what we're talking about. You are my enemy. But anyone who caters to the just one person stone clearer with male hessian pants you might make for the real dedicated stone clearer might be missing trowels. And the horse, it's the heading across from different direction. It's a brown and white horse.

I mean, that does make me think they know what's going on. That extra height is perfect for surveilling the field at a time like this when the stone clears could be scurrying around on their hands and knees. I mean, that's it. If you're prepared to do that, you could clear a lot of stones here. And that might be a technique you want to consider just moving around like some kind of field rat, some kind of critter.

They have not seen me anyway, and Wolfie runs off into the field. Perhaps I'd gotten the scent of a brilliant stone. That's just wanting a poo. We don't know. Oh, we come up to the ditch at the top, Brett Fink. And I have no stone to throw in there. Let's find something.

I'm a bit worried because I passed it from some distance last night because I was out there in the field, and I'm not convinced that even I did throw a stone towards the ditch. I'm not sure whether it hit or not. And if Brexit happens, that might be the reason. And I do apologize. Good girl, Wolfs. But here goes a couple of stones.

I hope you won't do those, Councillor, last night. And we'll save us from Brexit. I've had quite a lot of emails in. Brian Drill Sound has been in touch. I played the name to say, yeah, I noticed you speak Anglo-Faxon. You speak Anglo-Faxon, I beg your pardon, in the podcast quite regularly. But why are you not also changing use for these, as you should be? That is true.

When we're really going back into time, that should be the case. There were no use. THs were wise. And of course, Ss were Fs. I am just Brian Drill Sound. I am literally just trying to bring people into this podcast gradually or gradually. And I think if I started speaking full Anglo-Faxon, then it would just put off listeners. And I just need to bring in listeners to begin with.

Give them crowd-pleasing, sound-clearing stuff. And then gradually, gradually, really, as we go on, I will. For tart, for peaking, verbal, Anglo-Faxon. And it will all be like that, you know. I am not going to do it yet, but the entire podcast. Wow! Just getting started by Nettie. We are actually leaving the field now.

So that is, I forgot to set my watch going. But we have been going for 32 minutes because I know just the time it started. So that is not too bad. Casual walk. Back down to the main road. Back to civilisation. Still some nettles here. Be careful at all.

But got hit by some slightly spiky grass instead as I tried to avoid the nettles. Be careful. It looks like it is shaping up to be a beautiful day. It is a good idea to get your stone clearing out of the way in summer before the full heat of the day hits, if you can. Just use the fact that dawn comes early to get out there. You need a little bit of light, probably. Preferably. Just got to get across to that main run over, which we are managing.

Right, here we are, my love. We are back home. I have got to go into the garage and get you some more kibble. Now when the cat has been sitting down here, I have got to tidy that up. It is never over, is it Wolfs? Don't eat the cat food. It has been thrown up by a cat. No, Wolfie!

What did I just say? I said don't eat the cat food, not eat the cat food. You shouldn't eat cat food anyway, it is the clues in the name. But you should definitely not eat thrown up cat food. If the cat threw it up, then what is going on with you? That is my question for you. So yes, I would say the pallet knife wallpaper paste taker offer is not the tool that you require. But I do need to try and find that.

I have got to try and find my wife. My wife might have seen them thrown away. What are you doing, Wolfs? You being attacked by the cat? Just going to get the kibble. This isn't partstone, so I don't have to do this at home. Only if you've got a dog. We don't really want this to go into being the rest of my day, do we?

We don't want to pop out every single second of my life. That would be the kind of thing an insane person would do. Just trying to look at a couple of your emails before we go. Simone Croissant-Crumbs. Yeah, that's the kind of life I lead. Someone called that as a French person. At least half French. Crumbs is probably an English name.

She's been in touch. To say... Love listening to the podcast, Rich. It's a good podcast. Have you got any tips for clearing up a taxi? It's interesting to ask that as I have to go and do that now. I just generally use a brush. I've got to say...

To be fair, Simone Croissant-Crumbs is really about stone clearing. Not really the place for it. I've got so many emails. It's been on a waste of time. Actually, there aren't really that many. But I just use a brush. I've got one of those long-handed brush. It's just a kibble going.

If this isn't part of the cat food secret, that's just me putting some kibble in the large container. My dog can't believe it. She thinks that's all for her. It's not for you. We'll feed that one down there for you. Let me take Simone to your bathroom. You sound quite sexy.

You sound like the sexiest person who's ever listened to stone clearing Richard Herring before. I'm very happily married. I will say that before I continue with this flirtation. I just cannot really lead anywhere unless you're prepared to really not tell anyone about it. That would be a deal breaker. You've just asked about cat food. You're not interested in me in a sexual way. But you sound sexy.

Simone is a sexy name, quite a lot of crumbs. Sort of sexy. I'll take you through it. But please, any future correspondence to the podcast should be about stone clearing. And if you want to get in touch privately about anything else, you can leave us on a secure server. I would say very happily married man. So that's what I'm just brushing it up now there.

And it seems to be okay. All you can set is outside, but this one is. You can set the rain deal with it. But there's quite a big chunk of cat food in this one. So I think all in all, I'm just safer to take the whole thing out. But yeah, I mean, I'm sorry to deal with that email, rather than the many hundreds I've got asking about stone clearing. And just pop it in the bin tonight.

I hope this is working for you. This is getting me quite hot. So I'm just going to wash my hands because I'm going to deal with catsick. There's not even any catsick there. What are you doing? I think it's time to go. You know, we sort of single straightly to non-stone clearing territory and giving you a window into my quite sad life.

And I know a lot of you think I'm pretty cool with the stone clearing. So yeah, I better leave it there. Well, thanks for listening. And thanks particularly for coming in. Sorry I couldn't deal with so many of them today. Just one thing and another. And if you did sponsor the stone clearing podcast, I will start mentioning those names soon when I remember to do that.

So it's been lovely listening to you, talking to you and listening to you. I hear you talk back. And when are you going to listen to this, I can actually hear what you're doing. And it's very exciting for me. All right, cheers. See you soon. Do get in touch.

Give me a call. And just email. You know, the address you've been emailing me. And we'll be back next week for more stone clearing. Hopefully a little bit less holiday breaking going on. A bit sharper. OK, thanks for listening. Take care.

See you. Hope you have a sense of your sleep. The music is coming up now. So if you're asleep, turn off now. Put the music on. Stone clearing Richard Herring starred me, Richard Herring, and we'll feed the dog and nobody else really this time. The music was composed by Michael Cosgrave,

Coughgrave, and the voice of the photons is Michael Faheen. Thank you.