Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 31

Episode Date: July 24, 2019

Chapter Thirty-One: When Ye Bee Meeteth Ye Thiftle, Then Who Will Be Ftung? - It's 6.35pm on 23rd July and Hertfordshire is baking under a heat wave, but there are stones in the shape of buns and dog genitalia to find and computer game characters melded with tennis players to avoid. And a bee on a thistle. And the possibility of a Boris Johnson funded pro-Brexit ditch. Let us all be thankful that this podcast is fronted by the one stone-clearer not to be driven mad by the immensity of the challenge he has set himself. And one who has such clear respect for the army of listeners who email him each week. Happy Birthday Kevin Franklin.

Stone Clearing with Richard Herring Come here baby. Move it. Come here. Come on. There we are. Car coming past. Hello and welcome to another chapter of Stone Clearing

with Richard Herring. That's me. I'm here with Wolfie the dog. It's the 23rd of July. It's 1835 as I speak. A very hot day. Obsensibly it's not gone stone clearing in the midday sun. I'm waiting till the evening tide to clear my curtains today. Sorry there wasn't a stone clearing podcast last week. I did get a lot of emails about this.

Brian Pallett. Pallett said where's my stone clearing podcast please Richard. I've come to rely on it. And it wasn't there. So very upset about that. Sorry Brian Pallett. Gwendoline Gwendoline Cornflower

She said I can't sleep without my stone clearing podcast Richard. It should be podcast Gwendoline. It's what sends me to sleep at night. It should be sleep at night. And it wasn't there this week. I got a massive email post-bag that I received. And I've only apologized. I was doing a lot of stuff on the TV.

Doing a lot of games. The dog wasn't here the whole time. The wheat is very high. I'm out on the field now. It's a nice breeze. But anyway, I'm here now and that's the important thing. But of course there will be a break in at least in Hertfordshire based stone clearing quite soon as I will be heading up to the Ember Fringe. Please do come and see my other podcast

Rehella Stopper being recorded at the Newtown Theatre. 130 every day apart from Mondays. But it will mean that stone clearing has to take a backseat again for a month. All those people like Brian Fyre being another Brian. Better not be another week off Rich. I can't live without my stone clearing podcast. It is so good and the best podcast there is. Well, that's true. And I should add that this week's podcast

is sponsored in honour of Kevin Franklin. It's his birthday at some point. I don't know when that is. This might be too late. Or it might be very early. Or it might be bang on right. Who knows. Happy birthday Kevin Franklin. This comes from Simon Garrett who lives in Vetchworth. Or one of you does. Which isn't too far away from the secret field. It's a bit like the masquerade here. There's one. That's got to get some defence. That's only right and proper.

It is but like to find the masquerade here trying to find where this field is. There are various clues. It will come across and whoever finds it will get to take one of the stones home with him probably. And that's worth quite a lot of money. Nobody around here on this evening so far. But it's a happy birthday Kevin Franklin. Hope this is a nice surprise for you. Hope you're a regular listener. If you're not, it's not that good, is it? I've got my actual old archaeological tap trail here. And just a bit of actual stone clearing

rather than showing off about my amazing TV career. The wheat is dried. It's like brown now rather than green. It's very different. I guess it's approaching the harvest time. I hope I don't miss that by being away. I must be coming to almost a year of me coming out here. I've been very much anticipating the time when this field has its crops taken away and when

it's turned over so I can get to the stones beneath the surface. I've been clear I would say 90% of the stones on the surface possibly. I haven't really got very much into the field yet. That might be an overestimate. Yes, so where was I? So yes, it's hard. It's stone clearing on a day like today. I make sure you are hydrated. I forgot to bring any water with me, which was foolish. I forgot to drink any water. I was just bathing my children.

Now I've nicked out. I'm sensibly to double, but we all know the double secret life I'm leading. It's going to be another quickish podcast I'm afraid. Just got to get home and make my wife dinner. You know, I'm a domestic goddess. What can I say? It's not just stones, stones, stones. I also cook, bathe small children, tell them stories. Just laugh around generally with them.

It's one of my jobs. It's not the most important of my jobs if I had to choose. If there was a Sophie's Choice thing, where it's between my family life and clearing stones, obviously I would clean stones. But at the moment I'm allowed to sort of juggle both these careers and at least attempt to keep them both going. Maybe both are suffering a little bit. The wheat is very sharp, I have to say. It's cutting my bare legs. I'm not naked. I'm building up to

doing a naked stone clear, but look at this. That would be a lovely photo for the podcast. Sorry, I think I might have accidentally turned off there for a second. I was taking a photo of this all the... Oh, there's a bee on it as well. Let's see if I can get that picture without turning off the... This is Nature Beautiful. There's a dog behind ours. Perfect. The dog sort of makes it difficult to see the bee, but I think

Oh! This is art. This is just pure art. Yeah, I think we're okay. We're running. I think you did miss a little bit of me talking about nothing much. Not like the rest of this podcast, which is full of gold. Just taking out a couple of bits of shaley from the path again. It's really not easy to get out into the field. And there still are some

as good as a good small large there. Maybe even medium large. It's not a great system. Oh, through some, oh no! We're really having to get through some proper fit thistles now and they're really having a good crack at my legs. The path is very overgrown here. Maybe this is why people aren't coming out as much. I haven't seen many other dog walkers, have we? And nicely this corner. Some reason this corner can. It is not getting too overgrown.

You can still see it. It's quite nice. But yeah, a lot of thistles down in this corner. If you get some witty bits and there's some thistles in it, it will have come from this field. That is my belief. I mean, I'd love to get out and find you something special today. It's been a while since we've had a large stone. I don't know if this is going to be it, but this is the biggest of the day. Sort of like three fingers

together. Long, but quite chunky. Like probably a large dog's penis if you had it. My dog doesn't have a penis as a girl, but if it did I imagine it would look a bit like that. Just throwing that away now. I mean, I was just squeezing it a little bit and it felt wrong. Even though it was a stone and it's nothing wrong with squeezing a stone. In fact, that should be in coverage. But if you imagine it's a dog's penis while you're doing it, then it's

probably wrong with you. You should probably seek professional help. Just giving you advice. There are a few people with mental illness who do get into stone curing. It's one of the, I don't know if you can't handle the magnitude of this job and this task and it drives them insane. You need to steely resolve I suppose. And I know luckily I am entirely sane.

I know I'll never be taking up into that vortex of madness. Even however much the sirens do call to me from the rocks of madness I will not come to them. I must stay good in my task. They sound alluring. They're out there in the field saying come out here Richard. Come out. Lie down with us. Lie down in the snow. That's at winter time. Lie down in the sunshine. And you don't bring any water. Just lie with us.

We are beautiful and I want to go there but I know there's a 30% chance sirens aren't even real. If they are real they might turn out not be as attractive as they sound from their soul. Also I'm married so that's another consideration. I didn't promise not to have sex with any fields sirens, corn sirens, wheat sirens, whatever they are but nonetheless I think it was

implied in the marriage house. I'm now heading into the field. I'm just throwing a stone from the edge there. That's gone nicely into the edge. I'm staying from a good 20-30m throw there. Discus style. I mean maybe a bit less. The news on earth away from this field is that Boris Johnson is going to be the Prime Minister tomorrow but that does not the paltry affairs of men do not affect

me. My help out with Brexit. I've stopped that happening. That's my only fear is that maybe Boris Johnson has some kind of ditch that he throws stones into that he's throwing enough in my overpower counteract what I've been doing. Now I'm about 30m from the shore and we'll be here running maybe towards that. That was weak I have to say. Some distance away and let's try the smaller one. Well that's gone wild. Both nearer

to the edge than they were but that's a job for another day. So I might just gather a few stones as I pass on. I need to earn more collecting on kickstarter rewards here. Of course that sponsorship we heard was one of the kickstarter rewards so we're slowly and surely making our way through. We will be filming at St Paul's in the Orson when this should be a lot more open to stone clearing. Of course

there was a big stick in there. A bit of tree out here I don't get here. No trees so miles around from us bringing branches out into the field. Now that's a nutty behaviour. What's the point of that? It's just going to get chewed up by the cloud plow. Also it's a big dozen it will just rot away. Somebody will have no idea about the distance between permanence and impermanence what I'm doing. Just trying to get

this might be the biggest stone of the day sitting in the path. It's not a bad size. By no means the biggest stone I've ever got out. On another day it might be one of the worst in terms of size but like a giant arrow head it looks like maybe once it was employed for that purpose it would take down some kind of narwhal. Something of that size if one were out in this field in Hertfordshire. If you pick up the clues if you want to win the

masquerade piece of stone you don't know what masquerade is this going to sand. Look at that. Just crossing the field now. I might make a diversion out to the stone pole. I know many of you have looked forward to that bit. There was no stone pole in the last podcast. That one comes from Ea Harris.

It's the first one of the year. It might have a big ear. It's not like a sketch show where you get the same characters back every week. I'm not promising your rose garden. I'm not even promising you'll always get stones. That's a nice surprise. That one looked like a small, medium, medium. It came out and it's a big round.

The sort of bun you'd get at a restaurant looks exactly like that. I'm tempted to have a little taste. It's a big bun as well and it holds me all covered in dirt and it's a stone. No, that's a nice one. I'm going to put that atop my main ken which I'm just approaching now. There's a similar one here that I might just try. It might be one of the brothers.

If these were two buns in a restaurant, the one two I've got now, the person who got the second one would be a disappointed, I think, but both of them are going, oh, the smaller disappointing buns are actually all I'm going to put over. I see those brothers are going together. Just a few really smaller stones that I'll throw further into the pot. No, literally nobody around. It's quite eerie. Is that a person in the distance? That might throw off my, is it just a pole? I think it's a person.

It might put off my stone pole idea. They're coming in that direction and maybe they heard me. I'm afraid the fans of the stone pole will have to wait for another day because the stone stars are on my tail. Just give me a chance to pick up a couple of stones from the path here to add to the very edge of just trying to elongate this scan so it goes around this particular corner we're on at the field.

Yeah, there's definitely someone there. They're well camouflaged and that's everything so gray now. Not gray, but beige that someone wearing a specific kind of army uniform could actually just be two feet away from me to come out and see what I'm doing bang taken out of Forrest Johnson. He's serious about getting Brexit on 31st October he's another one who's going to have to, I don't think he's been involved up to now trying to stop this but he's going to have to stop me

because if I throw a stone into that ditch every time I walk past it nothing can stop me and nothing can make Brexit occur. A couple of nice small round pebbles. There's more round ones than flaky ones today which is an interesting development. I don't know what that means if it means anything. I did have a few little pinnikens along this route that have become overgrown. They're all very difficult to see or

find. I might save these two up for the Brexit ditch. They have good offerings for the Brexit ditch, doesn't ditch, doesn't usually get a stone of this size. Although it's particularly big, just a bit bigger than the usual Brexit ditch. There's no need to go mad. But today of all days I need to, I'm juggling, they're like dog's testicles and I'm just cupping in my hand and juggling. My dog just at the mention of the dog's testicles being cupped in the hand has run into

the field I presume to delicate. She's actually invisible in the wheat proving my prognosis that it would be easy to be hemflotted. My dog of course is beige and black as well, but could easily be hidden amongst these drying grains. Beautiful day. I managed to keep out the sun around the periphery of the field, which is where I still play my trade mainly. Hopefully

moving out as the years progress into more difficult terrain, both for you as a listener and working out how to stone clear yourself, but also for me as a stone clearer. It's all very well taken a few paltry stones from the edge of the field. Until you've cleared the middle of the field, can you even call yourself a stone clearer? And into the Brexit ditch they go and you can hear them click clacking against the other stones that were flooded actually, but there are a few down there. There's a few nice ones down there I can see, but others hidden by

the end of the growth. Nettles that will have set Boris Johnson back before he's even begun. And yeah, you might want a stone pole, but what could be better than that? A stone that actually makes a difference. It's not just a bit of gay fun out in the field. I hear the sirens calling to me, but I will not be assuaged or dissuaded

whatever the word is. The dog running out again. The dog, I've clearly heard sirens too. It seems to be licking something there. I imagine it's a sirens vagina. The head's tipping up and down. I'm not turned on by that. I'm not sexually interested in dogs or mythical beasts in wheat fields. Or something out there though. It's everyone else but me, and everyone else but me gets some. That seems to be the way, but

your tawdry physical matters will pale in significance when my work here is done. You may laugh at me now, but they laugh to Ozymandias, don't they? So, what are you doing, Wolfie? Come here. Come on. There's a sort of Amazonian woman coming up behind me in the path wearing a crop top and a very

short skirt. I'd better get out of here before that siren made flesh comes and takes me out. I've never seen anything like it, and actually potentially extremely attractive woman out on this field. It's usually these old blokes. So I am getting out of here because I'm a bit scared that I might have to talk to her. I'm a bit scared that she may proposition me. And when I've got so much of this podcast in the can it will be a shame to have to chuck it out.

Just because I had a sexual encounter with a Amazonian woman. I mean, she was wearing like Lara Croft. I mean, I may be going crazy, but it looks like she was wearing Ramana from, which one is it? The one that was in Doctor Who with water. She was like, you know, Annabelle Croft. I wouldn't say Lara Croft, but both. See, that Annabelle Croft crossed with Lara Croft. Like Annabelle Croft. That's what you would come there.

So, yeah, it's going to be a shortish podcast today. I've got to make my wife's dinner. You know, she'd be ashamed if she was sitting at home waiting for a dinner and I was out having sex with Annabelle Croft on there. I'm not obsessed with tennis particularly, but seems it does come up a bit, doesn't it? There's something going on. You know, the universe is somehow conspiring

against me. So, yeah, thanks again to the sponsor of that podcast. I just want to see if I can find his name. Might have thrown away a piece of paper. There it is. I decided to get our sponsor, Simon Garrod. Garrod, he gave some money. It's Happy Birthday Kevin Franklin. We'll mention you again in the credits in my time frame. And I will go back to my other life. My life away from women in leather bikinis

approaching. Thank God I escaped. That's definitely a trap, isn't it? That's a honey trap. There's no way that's a real dog walker out here. I can tell you that for sure. I'm getting too close. That's got Boris Johnson written all over it. It's giving me poor thoughts. So, here we are back at the kitchen. I'm still putting my daughter to bed.

Giving me a little bit of time to read a couple more of your emails. John Lewis Viet. Give me his middle name as well there. He has emailed in. If you want to get in touch, most of you are emailing in. This is just a selection of the emails. He emailed in. Rich, please don't have another week off. I don't have much of a life beyond listening to this

podcast. Look guys, I appreciate it. I've got a life too. I'm a TV celebrity. I don't have a secret game show. I'm not allowed to reveal what I'm doing, but it might have involved things falling off the shelf. That's all I can say. That's the only clue I can give. You can't just be emailing me expecting me to reply.

I'm not expecting myself to be there. I'm just trying to put the dog food container in the bin. I have a life and a successful life. That's two TV shows in a month I've recorded. They will go out at some point in the future, probably not the same month. That's one every six months. That's what I'm saying. Email in by all means.

Do you have any idea who I am? I'm doing this as a service to you. Don't get chippy with me just because I haven't done a podcast in a week. I've done 31 or 32 of these things. That should be enough for any human. See all the emails come in. Michael, earpod case.

My name. He was cross about it as well. A couple of people said they were glad there wasn't one and hoped there wouldn't be any more because it was embarrassing. Well, fuck you as well. Even fuck you more at least the other guys like what I'm doing. Look, there's so many of you I'll just talk to you together. I'll respond to the occasional email but seriously, get a grip about what our relationship is. Stop being so needy in all the emails.

I'm getting all of them from real people as well. That's what calls me. Anyway, there's been some nice ones. Brenda cold gravy. I'm just trying to pour some cold gravy into my food. I'm bananas about the podcast. I think it's great Rich and you don't listen to the other ones. Do it when you want.

Just because people are barring down your door because they want more podcasts. You don't have to do them. Just do them when you feel comfortable. I know you promised you'd do 25x ones this year and you probably regretting that. I'm just guessing. I don't know. I bet you're regretting committing yourself to that many when you could have just stopped doing it. I say do what you want and if you don't want to do 25, don't do 25. Just do none if you want. I like them myself.

Brenda cold gravy, that's me. Some flies buzzing around in here. This is the problem in the country of shit. The city kills everything. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the podcast. Do get in touch and email in having97atgooglemail.com. We've got some beautiful pictures and we'll see those. I might do one next week early for a go to Edinburgh.

There may be some specials from Edinburgh if I can find any stones in Edinburgh. I might try and clear the stone of where it belongs. That might be my job. Otherwise, thanks for listening. Always love to get your emails. Enjoy your soundfiring. It's 28 minutes of podcast. No one can complain about the quality or what's going on in this.

It's not one of the crazy stones doing this podcast. It's one of the ones who's kept their mind in focus and in shape. Stone Clearing with Richard Herring sponsored by Kevin Franklin. Happy birthday. Start me Richard Herring and Wolfie the Dog with that Annabelle Croft, Lara Croft scary robot woman from the future and that was about it. The music is by Michael Wolfgrave and the voice of the Patons is Michael Faheen.