Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 33

Episode Date: August 30, 2019

Chapter 33: Dead Mouse. It's about twenty past six on the 29th August 2019 and even though it's just two days since the last one, Richard is out for another stone clearing podcast, to make up for the truncated one (but maybe he'll test your resolve by making this daily). It starts philosophically but then becomes more so as Richard comes face to face with mortality. But he also is forced to question whether the stones have been making a Great Escape in his absence and what his role in history will be. Is he one of the baddies? There's another fish to wrestle in at almost the exact same spot as last time and a Brexit reckoning to be had. Plus your emails. Do keep those coming in.

Stone Clearing with Richard Herring Good girl, come on darling. Good girl, how you doing? You're a good girl, aren't you? Come on. Well, here we go. It's actually August the 29th. It's 18 minutes past six. Welcome to chapter 33 of Stone Clearing with Richard Herring. This episode is sponsored by Alex Robinson and his lovely girlfriend Chloe Pereira and their four dogs. So thank you to them for providing the money to make this highly expensive podcast. We'll be needs feeding just like the dogs of Alex and Chloe. And let her off the lead. That's where most of that money's going. Some of it just into store rooms. I don't know. The money's going to other podcasts. But weirdly, I'm doing this podcast just two days after the last one. This is my next walk around the field.

I feel a bit short change, or for whole to change, after last time's podcast which cut off half way around. And we're in difficult times at the moment here in the UK. I know I have listeners all over the world who there are stones everywhere. They must be clear. And their lives are easier. People in African republics, people in war-torn countries, they do not have the problems we have here in the UK. But what I want to say to you, UK-based people, is yes, good times come and go. Things are occasionally difficult. But the thing is, the stones are always here. The stones have lain here. There's all sorts of much worse crises have gone on. People are in real trouble just picking up a stone. It's laying atop a straw base in the field at the moment. And our troubles, the stones could see what they were, they would laugh. I think they were able to laugh and they could say, oh, there's a dead mouse down here.

I mean, that sort of puts it into some kind of perspective, doesn't it? You may be going through a difficult time politically, but you're not a tiny dead mouse curled up looking like you're asleep, but actually all your troubles are over. I won't take a photo of the dead mouse. It would seem inappropriate and disrespectful, but still the harsh conditions out here, as they were just two days ago, not much has changed. You can probably hear the straw crunching beneath my and Wolfby's feet. I'm just attempting to see if I can find any stones out here, but it's not looking very good, I have to say. We are planning to film the Kickstarter extra very soon, and I fear it will be slightly curtailed by the pond roots of straw. Again, as I think I said in the last podcast, it may have not made it to the final cut. The stones have the last laugh on this, of course, because, yes, they're covered for a short while by this

straw-y blanket, but they will emerge and survive when that straw is gone. I managed to find another stone in the park and hit the potentially good one in the park, yes, it's nice. All the small ones here, nothing like the monster that I extracted last time. The one that led to really two will be the sneeze, then. The one that led to my recording stopping, such was the exertion of releasing it. Still at the point here where I'm just taking pebbles out of the pathway, because there is nothing else for a stone clearer to do, but he must do what he must do, or she, if she's one of the female, is stone clearers.

And there are many. It's always been an equal opportunity. Excuse me. Women have hands just as men do. Men have bigger hands on the whole, but not many have small, nimble hands that can get in, like a child, and get stones from crevices that a big man's hands could not get to, and that is why we need all the sizes of hands and all the types of people. Whatever race, whatever sexual persuasion, however they identify, none of that matters out here. All that matters is that you can clear stones by any means necessary. There's a job for all, even those without hands, even those without mobility.

There's something that you can do just by saying where a stone is, all sorts of stuff, making a cup of tea. Anything. We've all got our role here. It's literally, this could be the activity that unites the world. That's what I'm hoping. That's my secondary aim, of course, to creating the world that can be seen from space. That will forever bear my name. And this will be just a quick Stanley Clearing podcast.

It's just a make-up for those of you who feel that 20 minutes or whatever is not enough. I mean, often things are 40 or 50. It's getting quite a good haul out of the path, I have to say. Pretty nice small, mediums maybe here. I'm going to put on the corner can. How good is it? It's the corner scree, really. Like I have to say, a lot of these stones are trying to make their way back to the field.

So every now and again, you have to give them a prod. Remind them of these bots. Put them back where they belong. They will, oh, there's a big one just tweaking. I don't know how that got there. I'll take that back on there. There's just a huge stone just sitting on top of the grass on the edge there. I mean, how the hell did that get there?

There was only one explanation. It was an attempt to escape. But luckily, the sentinels are back now. I think those stones realized they had a month. They can only move relatively slowly. But now I'm back and the escapees. I've seen myself very much as the SS, really, have stones. I mean, I'm not saying I'm a hero from the stones point of view.

Certainly not quite the opposite. Some of them may feel they want to be protecting the edge of the field. But if they wanted that, why don't they crawl that way? They only crawl the other way, as we're seeing. But you shall not escape. And I'm only following orders anyway. So don't blame me. Not any damage incurred.

There are quite a few little stones here. I mean, it's sort of off the field already. I'll throw them down towards the base of those trees so I like to throw out some stones. And really not seeing many people around at all on these walks at the moment. I don't know what's happened to the dogs of Hertfordshire. Perhaps they're walking themselves.

Perhaps they're walking elsewhere. But you'll have noticed on this podcast I used to meet people all the time. It's like people were avoiding me. They're not coming out here because they know I'm going to be here. But that just gives me more focus on the job in hand. That poor mouse. That mouse was all of us.

It probably thought it had all the time in the world. And it just looked like a little tiny one. I mean, they're no mice are tiny anyway, so it probably wasn't at all under. It was small by humans and then banged. And then banged. It returns to the dust as we wash out. Again, some more stones just littered out in the pathway.

I think maybe these have come from the... It looks like someone has done a bit of weed cussing beside it. I've discovered the can on the opposite side of the main can. And they've spread it around a little bit, maybe in anger. But again, these stones are probably escaping of their own volition. I'll put them back where they belong. I'm not looking too bad down there actually. I might climb the stones I threw the other day.

I'm sort of headed towards the edge of cussing now. That's a poo. Do be careful of poo. Don't ever get complacent. What you pick up might be poo, it might be a dead mouse. Always look old. That was a bit of a wild throw, nearly at the edge there. There's a stone, and here's another one.

This definitely isn't poo. And I think I can get this to the edge. Oh, I've been too gentle. No perfect. Actually, it's bummed wobbled even a little bit further than I intended. But it's off. It's off the field. Good girls. So yeah, once you get out here, I hope you will do some stone clearing.

I know some of you are just sitting and listening to this and masturbating because you have sexual fetish about men picking stuff up out of the dirt. And I can't stop you doing that. I do not approve of it. There's more of the many burdens I have to hold and struggle with. But I hope you'll get out into the fields and into the hills as I am because however stressful life is, and I'm not saying there aren't, the stress is inherent with stone clearing.

You have to clear the stones first of all. That's quite a difficult job. There's always been trapped, completely taken down and murdered at any point. These things are all quite stressful. But the actual day-to-day, stone clearing, when there's no one around, someone's dropped a worth of original packet. Just put one sweep there. That's the kind of people we're dealing with out here in Hertfordshire.

They eat worth of original and they drop the wrappers in the worth of original as well. I can't really applaud them for any of that. I think I'm not at that stage. But yes, it's like a tiny skull shaped stone I found in the pathway. Again, just waiting for the plough to come. I'm not sure. Obviously you can't get in contact with the farmer and ask him or her whether that will occur.

We'll give the game away as to who I am. But it's the moment I've been looking forward to this last 12 months. Some sibling stones there. One has been cut into two, but they will both rest together inside the field. Nothing big coming out of the ground here, I have to tell you, but I'm amazed I'm getting anything at this stage. I just hope I am being recorded this time, just walking around talking to myself. Of course that is the first sign of madness.

What I'm doing, I think, is the same thing I've ever done. I've talked in Edinburgh to comedians about how I think I'm the same comedian like a lot of the nuts getting obsessed about drugs and sex. Beers. Or just their careers. I've never had it, I didn't have a difficult childhood. A similar place to the last monster, actually. I'm just saying I'm the same.

My hair is a bit violent. Just checking the opens around again. This is the same exact scenario as last time. There's the huge one. I have to put my mini ones down. Just trying to get some touch underneath it, and I've done it now. I found it. Oh, very nice.

I mean, it's not that big, but it's satisfying to get that out of the cold earth. I've lost them on my little ones, I think I've got them all. As I said, not insane, but family happy to have found one decent sized stone. It wasn't quite as much effort as the last time. I'm always in that tense place. Almost like the one I got out. Crawled back and returned. Rest of us all can hear voices in the distance.

I've got to be careful now. Hopefully they cannot hear my words carried on the breeze. It's very important that what I'm saying remains secret for always from all ears. I've never heard. And here I'm at the main camp, which again, I did discuss a bit. I forgot lost. It seems to be a lot lower down. I don't know if it's spread or not.

The stone's been taken. I don't know if the stone's have escaped. But there seems to be spread going on in all of these kens. It just doesn't seem as high as before. Though it's still an impressive collection of, I don't know, 500 stones maybe there. Most of them collected by me. And it is heading around the corner here as well, which is good. Just feel sad that that mouse won't see the completed wall.

And it makes you wonder, will I see the completed wall? Will I live to see my work finished? Will it be passed on to others? Or will I be killed up? Looking like I'm asleep, but I'm going to sleep. I shall never wake from in the field. This is where I'd like to die. This is where I'd like to be laid to rest.

My wife does not know this wish. I can't tell her that. I do die. Could you please immediately just tweet my wife and say, by the way, what you would have wanted is to be buried beneath the kens in the field. Just do that straight away. Don't even say it's sad or anything. Because it isn't sad.

We will pass. If time to, we'll pass. Our problems that we're enduring will pass. I think I'm approaching the place which may stop our problems, the ditch that is already on record as having stopped Brexit. I threw four stones in here on the last walk that you won't have heard. Hopefully you're hearing this. If you're not sorry that you're not hearing it, it was good.

What I'm saying was good. The ditch has stopped Brexit. I know there's a ditch out there somewhere that is fueling Brexit. Someone's putting stones into that. Evil dark upside down version of me. But I don't think Brexit's going to happen because of this ditch. If it does, it will only because you didn't believe enough in the Brexit ditch. Sorry, it was not the Brexit ditch.

Don't believe in that one. That's doing all the harm. This is the no Brexit ditch. So yeah, I've got four stones again to throw into the Brexit ditch. Just little ones I picked up from the pathway. But everyone is starting to understand. This has been cut down back a bit as well. I can actually see some of the stones in the Brexit ditch now.

That's nice. It's been cut back. You can hear them kinking as they fall. Yeah, you know, that's not a bad little hole down there in Brexit ditch. This one just on the edge, I'm going to kick in a bit further. Oh, that's a nice big one. I mean, the guy's cutting his weeds back shouldn't be annoyed with me because eventually, you know, I will have wiped out the weeds with the stone wall.

You won't have to do the job anymore. So he shouldn't be kicking my stones around if that's what he's doing. Didn't get your emails last time, but I did. But you didn't get to hear them. Not a single one. I saw that guy that took him this distance from that. No one. Not a single soul encounter on my walk.

Just taking up a few more stones from a screen in the path just to put on the opening, the opening can. That one looks like a nice one. That one's calling to me. It's like a little bit like a big egg. And it isn't an egg though. You don't need to stockpile stones for Brexit. That's a lot of emails about that.

Nothing Brexit can't affect the stones. There will be a plentiful supply. It may create more employment for stone clearers because there won't be any other jobs to do. But I'm happy to franchise this out as far as someone's getting in touch. Giving me some of the money he's given to all his mates to keep things going.

And that one was dangerously close to me taking a stone off the field and throwing it towards the field. But I'm going to allow it in these difficult times. Back to where that barking dog is. Come on, Wolfie. You're better than that. You're better than that. I don't know if Wolfie did a poo.

He didn't do a poo this morning. Maybe she did it on an afternoon walk. Wolfie, come here. Good girl. Who's my good girl? Get back underneath. Good girl. So yeah, a few Brian Blackberry.

He was in touch at the same point in this. Just by this blackberry bush. I egged a couple of them. That's bitter. He's been in touch to say, Rich, I'm worried about Brexit. Not going to be one problem, mate. But if you're worried about Brexit, clear some more stuff.

Just take your mind off it. Listen, back to all the stone-drying podcasts. Just try and skip the big project about Brexit. Thanks, though, Brian Blackberry, for getting in touch with him. Sorry, your previous email didn't get read out. Well, it did, but there's no way I can go back and read it again. Once it's read, it's gone. Brian Polo.

Another Brian who's been in touch by email. You can email me at herring97.gmail.com. He's been in touch to say, what is your favourite stone you've cleared so far? Good question. People don't think to ask stuff like that. That disappoints me. I don't have favourites due to all stones being equal,

and I aren't with the smallest one to the hugest boulder. They all have equal words to me, but I have to say, if I was forced to do the one that's in the pitch for the podcast right at the beginning, that was really massive. It made me feel really good to clear that one. And there was one earlier on, she was even bigger than that. That was a cracker.

But they're all equal, though. Don't just hand up. Two big ones just happen to me. And here we are back in the kitchen. My mother was around today. The smell of death, this detergent. Someone's been sick. I think it's somewhere in the house.

Perhaps the cat. He returned and confused. Oh, you also have a bad old smell down here. Who knows what's been going on in the time I've been away. I just got a dog a pouch for dog food. And do you mind the pouch has been in touch. My email, you can email me as well. Do get a lot of emails so I can't read them all out.

There you go. Enjoy that. She says, do you have a favorite stone? Well, I mean, don't all ask that. Just had that question. Kids just getting in the bathroom now. So it might be time for me to check this is recorded. Oh, I'm still recording.

And to bid you. And I do. It was 23 minutes. It's not long, is it? But it's definitely from the tea. So thanks for listening. It's just a bonus extra proper podcast. I hope you enjoy it.

And I'll see you again for more stone theory soon. Probably next week. Thanks again to my sponsors, Alex and Chloe. And the dog. She dropped a piece of paper that I had that written on. So the four dogs, Chloe, Chloe Pereira and Alex as well. It was good too many. Thanks for sponsoring this, mate.

There's one more sponsorship coming up if I remember to do it. And then we're back to a non-sponsored podcast. No, no, no, we shouldn't be doing this for money. I mean, really, we shouldn't. Not this wrong. It's just the crazy that we would pay to be mentioning this. But thank you for doing that. Goodbye.

You have been listening to Stone Groom with me, Rich Turing and Wolfie the Dog and a dead mouse called Mousie. The music you're listening to is by Mike Coffgrave and the Voice of the Photones is Michael Faheen. Thanks again to Alex Robinson and his lovely girlfriend Chloe Pereira and their four dogs. Thanks for sponsoring us, guys. Bye.