Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 36

Episode Date: September 17, 2019

Chapter Thirty-Fix - Morning Again! It's 8.30am on 17th September and Richard Herring is on the way out to see how the village will react to the triumphant comedy gig he has just done in the village hall. Whilst some stones are cleared there's a lot to delight canine coprophiles in this chapter, as Richard diligently cleans up dog poo at his own personal expense, whilst many less scrupulous dog walkers fail to bag the poop. There's a moment of extreme levity to take us out of the otherwise serious discipline and some sage advice about how many hours a day a newbie stone clearer can clear without risking death.

Stone Clearing with Richard Herring C'mon Wolfie, Harry's coming, c'mon Right, let's get that from these cars, Wolfie, Harry Get down, get down, Wolfie Alright, Wolfie, let's go Right, well it's 8.32, I don't know what day it is, 16th 17th of September, early morning But I'm not that early, I've been up for two and a half hours

But for you, norms, probably quite early for you And they're beautiful actually, sunny September day Heading up, hopefully do the long walk around the field today So while since I've done it, so I'm feeling the pickings Once you get down this first bit will not be particularly great But you'll be able to see, haven't been up there for a while We haven't been through the can in the middle of the field Wolfie just in the way if you're interested

Just on the path not even in the field yet So, yeah, it's another day I expect a lot of dog walkers are going to be congratulating me About the comedy gig we did at the weekend So I'm going to play it humble, but it was pretty good He raised some money for the nursery, Al Murray headline They're probably gone about how, just to not embarrass me about how good I was But do look out for that

I just expect we'll get a lot of that, so don't be embarrassed for me I'm okay with it Here we are at the field, the soil texture is again quite dry soil Just stones everywhere, of course, in this little portion And where the plow has been We're still waiting for the main plow to come I don't know when that will be, it could be any time, I guess Still reeling, of course, from the fire two weeks ago

And I'm just expecting we'll be talking about that for a good time to come in the village It's a very eventful time Yeah, just a lot of stones here to clear Got my work cut out for me, walking past quite a few But there's one that I'm going to have to do a mini-hassle half-acted I wasn't particularly impressed with one that's called to me And I picked up another one just out in the station, just a few feet out I do have my shell in my butt pocket just in case we get to tough it

I was trying to ask some poo there, I just know a stone I was going to pick up Already at least ten stones off the field I'm going to just be done And I have to make the most of what I've got here Because I think the second half of this podcast is going to be largely talking about the absence of stones And it's all very well to have a podcast talking about there being some stones But a podcast about no stones, that is not interesting No one can be interested in that, but it is part of the war

It's nice that there's a very soil-dark soil card So now that I've managed to discover with a little kick, that's off the field now, don't you worry That won't be coming back You know, and when you're doing a podcast you have to have an understanding of what will interest your listeners I know that you, and it won't interest everyone this, but you are interested in stone clearing But what I know you're not interested in is not stone clearing Anything that isn't stone clearing bores you, and rightly so So a man failing to clear stones, no one really wants to listen to that

It's a story of plenty and famine Of stone showers and stone famines And I think in a few minutes time I just won't believe that I was walking past some of the stones that I'm not picking up here It's quite incredible, but I will come back and get these another day Some of them, these two, no, these two are coming out today There's enough just to sort of kick It will be like that, right by where, I think that's where, I don't know, that's the decking part There's almost lost their back fence there from the fire

I'll try and build them a wall of stone, they may choose to repose their fence Before I can do that, that is their choice Nice kind of heart shapes, so not like a real heart rather than a fake heart Might have been there, some kind of heart So, so far the village is not rushing to congratulate Probably just intimidated by how funny I was I don't think they thought I would be very funny in the gig And with that little surprise, someone's made my stones into, someone's made their own wall of stones here

Like a line coming out, someone's been fiddling with my stones I'm not sure I agree with that, but I'm happy to add to their little wall, that's what they want Don't tamper with another man's stones That, the rule one of stone clearing is that, I don't know what's the stone clearing I don't even tell you the first rule over and over again The second rule of stone clearing is don't, do not tamper with another man's photons That is forbidden But if you're going to do something, if you are going to tamper with them

Do something imaginative like those people that made the whole wall Between their house and the next house Poking out into the, towards the edge of the field And we might have done a poo there, let's just have a look and see See anything over just that way then Tell me if it was that way or a poo It was far enough to feel that it doesn't really matter But I'm having a good look for it because

I am, anything except a hypocrite, that is the one thing I'm not A lot of earth there, or is it a stone, I think it's a clot of earth And that's one of the difficulties, oh that makes you poo over there Yeah it's earth, but it looks like a stone And that is one of the main difficulties of stone clearing You do need to, if you take a big clot of earth off the field You're doing a negative, you're actually, that's the same as putting a stone on the field To remove some of the earth

Some of the no-circumstances, do that, please be careful Definitely a poo over here somewhere There it is, it's right by my feet It's a biggie, and I'm not leaving that for some child to eat It's great that they would be in the village of the nutrition And that is going in my freezer bag I'm using today It's been used once, can't be used again Had some chicken or something, can it?

No, I have some poo in it And that is a circle of freezer bags Got some poo on my finger somewhere Oh that's not nice Let's go find someone to wipe that off now What a disappointment Somehow just have I, because I was showing off to you and talking to you And I don't have any, someone coming up behind me, got to be careful, come on

Just want to wipe this on some grass I just think as the pee went down the bag, so I just touched the top of the bag And then that bit touched my hand Come on Wolves, come on Wolvee, come here Yes there's a lady, I don't think I've seen her before Coming up behind me, which probably just trying to thank me for all the work I've done for the nursery Wolvee, come here

But handling it a little slowly It means I couldn't stand clear here if there were stones, but I think we're now at the part of the field Where we are going to struggle a little bit Is she following me all the way And we're going to have some trouble anyway I might have to get most of the poo off my hand Just have to remember not to suck my thumb for the rest of the podcast But I'll get a nasty dog poo surprise

And it will be me eating the dog poo after all, off the way I gently try to mock The children of my village, the dog poo eating children The lady is very slow, she's on behind us, I think with a bit of speed A little pebble here, I'll take one little pebble off just to have done something The moon's in the sky there, low in the sky Three-quarter moon, between the daytime and there's the moon that's confused about his job And, you know, for years and centuries, stone clasers have gazed up on that moon Wondering if they would ever get the chance to clear that thinking

No, that's a stone that can never be cleared But now, of course, we know it is possible to get there And now it's possible to get there It follows that it should be possible to clear it to somewhere else I would say into the heart of the sun would be my ideal place Or, you know, put it back to Earth, or maybe put it on the central cairn here in this field I can't really see any problems with that But it's an aspiration, you shoot for the moon

You might just clear all the stones off the field You never know, that hand being followed And I'm very clever at the stone hood watch If they're behind me, I can't see what they're doing, but it really does stop Determine me from something, I've got one nice side stone here There's one of the big stones I got from a long time ago It's joined that one And yeah, it's very slim pickings anyway

Come on, let's go Well, it will be disappointing if the main incident in this podcast is me getting dog shit smeared on my fingers It's been up to some of you, some of you I know are into that And there are a few people listening to this podcast just in the hope that that will happen Well, maybe not my own dog, just picking up some dog pee by myself There's lots over here actually, discussed them to disgrace But apart from the sexual maniacs excited by the thought of a little bit of dog feces on my fingers I'm sure the rest of you would be upset if that was the main, if that was the take home story

Oh, another dog coming from the other direction Wolfie, come here, let's see if you can leave Come Um So yeah, double, double jeopardy here, I really can't do anything In terms of dog walking, in terms of stone clearing, I can walk a dog It's not even got a dog, I think there's a dog behind me I don't think this is the kind of woman who would have been at a comedy gig

So if she doesn't mention it, that's probably why Not because it wasn't good, the main only tells you that it wasn't good as a liar, because it was good I might have to kick one little pepper off the path there, right in the foolish face of this lady Come on, Wolfie Good girl Good girl That's alright Little dog, right in front of Wolfie

And I think we can hear in that woman's voice, I think, how impressed she was by my comedy Even though, if you may not see now, I'm sure it's been the talk of the village show Pretty cool, didn't make a fuss and I admire her for that But I do want to want you to keep looking out for that I don't want to feel awkward when it does happen, I'm a full warranty So I've been approaching the top of the village for a while since I've been here I don't see anyone behind me, but equally, it's very hard to see any stones here This is usually quite a good place to gather some quite big stones

Right, here's one just poking above the earth, that's a nice size one, that's the biggest of the day I'll just chuck that out to the side there But yeah, otherwise, a few peeking through here, they will need the child to get all these out And I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to this all being piled up Giving me a new lease of life, there's a little bit of flint just atop the ground that goes off There's some more dog poo, don't worry, there won't be too lots of dog poo on my fingers today That's, I've learnt my lesson If any of the stones do actually want to get a little bit of dog poo I'm going to call it

It doesn't matter that that's part of being a stone, I can wash off over time Oh, dog poo, he's not cleaning up for the dog, just because he can sometimes get dog poo on your fingers That's no need not to do it I did tell the people at a gig about that And some of them seemed impressed by my stand, I was as stiff here as I was criticizing them Well, there's no one watching now at least, but, oh, because the next field's been quite a bit may have been Let's have a little look over at the, again, the field I'm not really meant to go into Told you it's not right and good to touch another man's stones without his or her permission

But, yeah, there's been some plowing over here which does make this quite an exciting prospect Not as many stones as you'd expect from this bountiful, usually bountiful field But, not only has the field been plowed, but the grass has been cut around this little bit of wall while I've been piling up stones I feel like some of them have been knocked off there So I can start building the wall Oh, it's a gigantic one, only my field was as good as this one I wish I'd chosen this one to be a much better podcast Just huge lumps of stone everywhere

Well, I've gathered a few of them legally But they are forming the boundary between the two walls, which I think, correct me if I'm wrong, let me just press it I'm going to cut across on the long route, we can come back up the lead nails There's a long route across the field I am carrying my dog poo bag, this is the bonus attention to Comedy Night if you're interested in dog poo Which this one seems to have come more about It's talking the loose stone off the top there, this one's back to the edge when it's off the field A lot of people say that they bag up their dog poo then leave the bag to collect on the journey home

But often they don't face forgets conveniently But also in that hour or 45 minutes they're out of the way You know that's still a danger that an animal or child may pick that bag up Also it just looks disgusting, so just carry the bag with you please That doesn't just go for people in my village, you don't have to see this podcast there There's no internet technology here for them Like those for everyone who has a dog and walks it, please pick up your poop if only for like Another stone just at the top now and some distance from the edge

And I'm going to give it a go Wolfie goes chasing it, I mean that has got much nearer to the edge but is in no way off the field I'll have to get that another day, the danger is of course the plow will bury that one further Here's another one Wolfie say I can do with this one Better, no about the same But the rule is given that there are no rules that are close to the edge You can get the stones the better because I mean there's a better chance of it Leaving the field of play

Eventually over the eons of stonefury And I'm starting to accept that this is a job I probably should not complete in my lifetime So any work I can do to help the stonefuryers in the future I will do another founder, even though this part of the field again Pretty much covered with hay I found three stones, one of them It's very weird, like a shape, it's one of those sort of flat fish At the bottom of the sea there's a chunk in there, a skate is that they're called

This is another, I've got four stones And now I'm too far from the edge to throw them So I'm going to carry these to the central can where I haven't been for a long time See what's going on over here We are speeding around the field a bit comparatively to what we usually do here Partly because I've got to peel my fingers I want to get home and wash that off Also because it's very hard to stop and pick up stones This skate shaped one is quite sharp at the end of the tail

That section would be a good murder weapon It plottens it into someone's eye or heart I'm not going to do that, I'm going to put it on the can If anyone uses it for the future it's hardly my fault If you are looking to murder someone, stones are a good weapon But probably more human beings are probably murdered by stone historically Than any other substance That's just a guess but I bet it's right, in the old days

You just grab a stone and smash it into someone's head No arrows or knives around with no guns So that's all you had for yourself What I'm saying is don't underestimate the stone Stones don't kill people, people kill people But the stones help and they enjoy it As the stone kills a person I imagine a stone has a little chuckle to itself about the impermanence of human life

These are the against the permeance of stone life And the central can, there's an odd dip in the middle there As the scape stone has gone into that dip It has to be cut back so it is at least visible There's a little circle You went over and I could see There's a dog walker I'm in a good position to see where I'm being followed here

In this game of dog-based chess If someone's coming right, I hope this doesn't impinge me on doing the stone pole I have a feeling that woman may have already gone into Maybe this country has gone about the game, I hope not Because it would be embarrassing for me if just hundreds of people were congratulating me And how funny I am A few little pebbles here, I'll pick up just in case we can use them for the stone pole There's some way away from the stone pole

But we might as well get these off the field in the here I'm too far away from anything to throw Another dog walker on the left hand side as I walk down He's heading away from me though He's still laughing from Saturday and Tuesday now That's what I'm seeing, still thinking about some of the stuff I said Doesn't even know I'm here, but he's still laughing away It is a burden after bearing as funny as I am

And that's why it's nice to do something like this Something that just is never, something that's meant to be taken seriously And that nobody could in a million years laugh at this That is how serious it is Yeah, I'm going to find it difficult to do the stone pole there I can tell that it's even clumping along a little bit I might get to be back on the lead, that might be it I may have to pass the stone pole and pop back again once you've passed

That's basically going to lead to the stone pole I would say that's our trajectory Almost as she knows what she's doing, exactly what she's doing I pause, she pause And precious little stones to clear from five small, small, small stones And maybe small, small medias then We're not meeting at the stone pole, she's stopped Maybe so that if I might get there quick

More dog poo here to watch out for This is a real dog poo clock bar She's turned again to have a look I can just get them, she's just round the corner from quick I can try and hit the stone pole Hit the first go from a distance missed Really wild, hit it Hit it in the third one, so hopefully cheered

And that was quite a pass Mission impossible because we are the same lady There you go Go get a horse, come on Hello again And that is a course what passes through Cune in the countryside A little chuckle tonight Hello again, morning again

It's funny because we already said good morning once It's a joke It's a different world out here And that's the only joke you'll be hearing in stone clearing So I hope you enjoyed it Morning again But at least now I'm impressed with my imagined stone pole I was sort of on the move

And had a very limited time to carry out that assassination And it's nice to have done that For the fans of that I know some of you were missing that particular aspect of the podcast Simon Hay He's been in touch I really missed the aspect of the podcast Where you throw the stone pole

It's my favourite I know it's a bit of fun But I feel that that's okay to have a bit of fun Even though stone clearing is, as you've said, very serious When you've said it before on this episode But just constantly, you might have also If you have said it on this episode I'm not talking about this episode

I'm talking about the whole time you've said it At the same time now, Simon, if you're interested I'm just throwing a few little pebbles Kicked one there That's gone on nicely Probably more to kick If he's a bit confused Then we'll have a little wonder into the field

To see what we can see This is the plowed area Oh, that was a good throw Do you like that almost? That bounced nicely onto the downward part of the wall That one went a bit more in the hedges But that's okay And then that one to the wall

Just hopped over the wall And there's a fire damaged stone And the fiery bits Hold more across to the plowed But oh, yeah, this is the earth Is really burnt in this bit Little bit Oh, and there's a nice stone here

I might try and get this up with the While no one's around I think I've got the char with me Oh, that's gone nicely This is a beauty This is the find of the Oh, the podcast Oh, yeah

To give them a thought I don't know how to describe that It's all about the size of a football That's just been truncated With about a third of the way up And then have the back off As well as not really that football at all About the size of a rat

A big rat And we're going to put that stone On the ever-increasing wall Just to get the wall a little bit longer A little bit chipped off as I did that But that's okay That was what it wanted The stones will fall as they may fall

So thanks to Simon Lee for emailing And there are a lot of emails coming through I can't answer them all But I will try to answer as many as I can During the course of the podcast Here's the little bit where I'm trying to Block the animal path By throwing as well

One went in nicely One bounced away But not so far that it went apart of the wall Don't you want the wall to be this far? A couple more stones kicked off We'll be excited about that It's been quite a dull day I'll give you that

It's nice to have got out onto the other side Of the field with you Just to see what's going on To remind ourselves that There is a bigger task ahead I haven't been all the way around The field for quite a while It's a nice little nest

Developing down here Thanks to this ploughed area I'm going to get some Some good stones out And no idea if the Brexit ditch is working I mean, after last week It did seem something of a coincidence Things went so wrong for Boris Johnson

Just as I'd gone by a load of stones in there I mean, some people would say that's just a coincidence One day he has no effect on world events They don't understand The principle of sliding doors Where every single thing that happens Affects everything else in the world eventually But also the Brexit ditch

Magic And I'm going to put some Five stones for it today already It might even pick up a tick And hopefully this will help Help us all and stop the no-deal Brexit That's a question for somebody That seems determined to carry out

I don't think Brexit will affect The field the stone might do And you can hear all those stones clinking Clanking into the Brexit ditch That has to make a difference I'm going to kick a couple of others into a big measure Just pick up a couple of stones From the can at the opening of the field

And then we're nearly done It's been a nice opening during the walk I've got a small handful of stones By which I mean my hands are small And they are full of stones And then another day's work Well, morning's work is done Obviously I'll be back on the field

At least two or three more times Over the course of the day Don't try and don't clear all day Not straight away Do please work up to it Very much a couch To a 5K scenario going on here Where you need to just ease into it

It looks like it's easy But if you go out there and stone clear all day You'll probably die if you try that The human body is not equipped for this task And you need to build up muscles Build up the understanding of the terrain Know when it's going to stop And I would advise even seasons

Stone clear is not going to do more You've been an hour and a half a day If you feel the end of your life is approaching You're close to completing your life's mission I mean, it's a gamble, isn't it? Because it may kill you quicker But you may finish your job So only you can make that decision

Chloe Ariel Lovely name Has been in touch to say I'm approaching the end of my life And I'm trying to get my field cleared If I just manage to pick this one out Random is what I've just been talking about But I'm worried about the fact

That the stone clear itself might kill me So you should worry about that Please go back in the way Come on, we'll spend it Good morning Passing a nice lady there Again, I do respect the one for a knock Going on and on about the geek

I wonder if that might happen I've been there today, Tuesday So I'm just going to put this down through Into my bin which has been taken away It's a perfect scenario The window's done Here we are back at home And at last I can wash my hands

Don't worry about it, Chloe It's what I'd say The thing is, once you're dead It won't matter anymore Whether you're there to experience it So get out there Try and clear as much as you can If it kills you, you're going to die anyway

You've answered your own question May you best in peace It's always sad when a stone clearer dies But it's inevitable I will not shed a tear I will throw a stab Or one of your loved ones does probably If you do it just as you're dying

That will be the best I will throw a stone for you, Chloe Just have to check your name on there Thank you for just getting to wash my hands It's been quite a worry for me And I'm sure for you Those hands would know in there my face You should always wash your hands

If the stone clearer dies There's two reasons out there First, we've got some food So, I'll feed the dog Sorry, it's not been more scintillating It feels like Whenever we don't have an entire engine In the field

It's quite disappointing now But I guess In a way we need to get back to the reality And the business of stone clearing There you go I'll change the water He's been putting the cat food in it It's a clever game

He came up Paddled with the dump This morning How are you using? Yeah, I'm laughing that's about it There's too many people I'm afraid to go through And The water level is ok

Good morning Thanks for listening Hopefully it's recorded Let me just check Yeah, we're still going 35 minutes Quick jaunt indeed So, I will bid you adieu

Thank you very much for listening All the emails Thanks for choosing this Rather than going back and listening To the emails Due to the allegations Made against him He is to put shame on the world of stone clearing

For what he's done With that next week with more Thanks for listening, bye Stone clearing Rich Taring starred me Rich Taring with Wolfie the dog Plus that lady who said good morning twice It's pretty funny

I had seen the comedy show but was too nervous To approach me There was an old lady at the end wasn't there And thank you to Michael Coffgrave For writing this music and to The Voice of the Photones Michael Faheen