Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 39

Episode Date: October 9, 2019

Chapter 39: The War Betwixt Ftone and Flesh. It's just after 8am on 9th October 2019 and the weather is overcast and the ground so soft that any stone can be pulled out. There's some expert Hasselhoffing on display as Richard enjoys the Ftone harveft and some of the medieval times' less impressive motivational rhymes. And for the first time in a while he's going the long way round and regaling us with legends of where the stones came from and how he plans to live forever himself. Kindly he caters to the insomniacs that he knows do not use this podcast for its intended purpose, but not the onanists who are definitely not using the podcast for its intended purpose. A call from his wife truncates the recording, but not much is lost. Plus is Richard playing into the hands of Borif Johnfon? And can he be seen from space?

Stone Clearing with Richard Herring Hello and welcome to I mean we're approaching chapter 40 I think this might be 39 of the Stone Clearing with Richard Herring oh it's birds on the field we've just arrived and Wolfie spotted them some pheasants he's going for them so she's going for them all look at that one running go get out of the way you idiots I mean there's a big flock of them oh there's hundreds of birds out here it's beautiful luckily they've all escaped Wolfie's clutches and lived to fly another day it was good one of them just wanted to run away so it's 821 on oh

straight away into a couple of beauties there just the right edge of the field fling them onto that can as I said 821 9th of October 2019 the year is disappearing I have scripts to write I'm failing to do so and instead I'm doing this but some people would say well is that a good use of your time and I would say well what are you doing to ensure your immortality and they'd say what you know I'm not bothered about that and I'd say well you should be hey by the way I'm not a pheasant I'm already out into the field obviously at this time of year no crops out here it's sort of alright I suppose to walk out here a

little bit see what's out here and what's out here is a lot of stones a lot of soil there's another sort of dark stone I don't know what type that was don't care different than usual though which is interesting and just having a little look at here to see what I can see whilst flinging the occasional small medium medium out onto the edge of the field and I'm gonna really hassle off out now I've seen a little stone that's attracted my attention let's see if it was worth the trip and it's a cloudy day a little breezy now just kind of smallish stone I've come out to find but that's led beyond to some others

nobody around at the moment then there's a special thrill I guess to clear stones from this far out and as bad as far out as you will ever have heard me and there's a nice beauty there that's oh and there's another one these guys when you get out here of course no one's ever come out here to clear stones and you will find some stones on the large spectrum if you dare come out this far obviously the chances of being discovered are greater but southern wards if you're into big stones over little stones I just think all stones are equal as I make it pretty clear but

some are more equal than others right kids well political satire there courtesy of Eric Arthur Blair Tony was that so these big stones are well there's a nice little can where the one over there was another quite large stone so I'll put those two bigger stones they're dwarfed by that the one that's there I'll stick them out into there into that can and yeah it's we're still at this stage where there are no crops the stones are the crops the harvest of the stones must begin on I can see another beauty a long way out and it's good to be hassle-hopping again after a long period of not

being able to see even stones that were right in front of your face now you can sometimes see a stone this is you see how long it's taken to walk out here so right into the field and there's a lot of stones here this one just a flat one it looks bigger than it was from a distance but still good to have got it off the field and just picking up a few other big stones as we go and this is this will be new to most of you I guess it's almost a year since I began this maybe it is a year I'll have to look into the records since I'm recording anyway I think I've

been doing this for over a year but you will not have experienced this exciting time where a man can freely and without fear of implication head out into the field and pick out some nice big stones those are just scattered into the edge of the field without much purpose yeah a lot of birds out on the field I mean maybe they're pigeons I don't think they're searching for stones but you never know we might known as categorically found another species of animals that will collect stones in the way that a human will some monkeys use stones as tools of course they may be primitive stone as it may have begun

back there but we can be sure that humans sound clear for the purpose simply of clearing stones from a field because humans are told they do that I'm telling you that's what I'm doing and unless you don't believe me then you can't really dispute it most offenses the back of the old after the father paired but this one the decking and the fence in this house still charred and memory quite an exciting day out here on the field you don't get many days like this and cattle are lowing in the distance and as you can hear that the baby Jesus is asleep all that is a great throw through one from quite a long way right on to

the field the broomstick sticking up there I'm not really clear that that will clear time will clear that for me and you know some people argue well it's about time clear the stones won't eventually weather and the destruction of the earth do your job for you and that's that is no social and there's no need to head out into the middle of the field remember because the edge of the field is just a stone for as paradise as it is but it's sometimes fun to see what else there and what's out there because it's there and sometimes the stones call to you like sirens in the distance like sirens you go out there you

find the most beautiful women or stones in the world and make love to them and everything's good and that is the moral of that story the siren story so go ahead is what if you hear the sirens stones are calling go make love to them and when I say make love that is the metaphor for clearing the stones once again a few people have started using this podcast for sexual purposes and I am do not give you my permission or approve of that anyone is doing that that is essentially an assault on me and the stones as well more importantly in stone law that is a crime punishable by being stoned to death by some stones

which ironically some of you would enjoy if you start masturbating during the stoning then you get stops just the stoning stops and you kill the different way so think about that just I meant just in my running shoes today it's a probably a mistake they're old running shoes it's fine it is a bit damp but just kicked quite a hefty stone off the field there and it hurt a bit because these stones these shoes are not built for the protection that is required for a for a stone click right to kick but do just be aware what footwear you're wearing and the size of the stones do try and judge accordingly this is a big one I've picked up here I will not be

kicking it I'll just throw it playing it that's gone down the bank into the trees settle in the base of a tree as I like them to do and today we might take the slightly longer route around and don't have much to say so just be quite a lot of awkward silences but hopefully just hearing the stones gradually being cleared will be enough of a reward for you knowing I'm ever one stone click closer to my target there's one stone closer there's another stone closer just ticking down the number nobody is quite clear the number of stones are out here but all I know is there are just two less in the last minute hey make that three

hey make that four I mean we could go on I'd rather do a countdown it'll be quite a good podcast just to literally work out the number of stones and then each one that comes off I just count down 24 billion 365 million 225 and so on I mean maybe something would not appreciate that as much but it'd be good for the people who use this podcast to sleep well I'm very good I would imagine but if it ain't broke don't fix it it's already sending people to sleep all over the world this podcast I'm proud of that I've sleep tight my princes and princesses out there I hope you dream of tossing stones not like that even if you dream about having sex with stones that is still a plunge from my death you do

obviously have to confess really but if I suspect that that is what you've been doing I will call the stone authorities so it's an exciting day today because I think we're about to cross the point where for the last few stone clears I have crossed the field um partly because of the bounteous resources of stones that are out there uh partly just because you know I had to get back home for tea or whatever look after the kids do some actual proper work um um for today I think we will take a walk up the edge of the field and across the long diagonal and take in the stone pole see if I can hit that so some exciting stuff coming up on the

podcast today just trailing it there apparently that's important and here we go we're crossing the rubicon the can across the way from the main can just has had a few more stones added to it if you're interested uh Ken no one around I'll be interested to see what this part of the field is like and the resources here this will be as much a scouting mission as a clearing mission sometimes you have to look ahead and oh that's a nice one that's a nice good chunky medium there already suggesting uh this is going to be quite a good scouting mission we're not scouting for girls we're scouting for stones and maybe if you had called your band

that it would have done better mates because it's like this what you put there that my stuff was all right and it was acceptable in the noughties but now just looks a bit creepy so um oh I think I'm just thinking of doing a fart but just the way that that fart a it'll be a bit rude to do that on podcast but b I'm not convinced it's a fart that would come if I farted and I don't want to in this early stage of the series shit myself during a podcast I would probably not mention it if I did but uh I think you'd be able to tell if in the next 45

minutes or there's a beauty down here it's very deep the earth is soft so I've picked it up yeah that's one that's the size of a house brick sort of boldness house brick and that's a nice size stone I had to dig it out of the of the wet earth and this is actually a bit of brick again it might be quite ancient I think they're possibly with a roman villa on this field at some point it doesn't matter to me it's just has to come off the field come into a corner you have to be careful and have a straight little way out into the fields to see what's going on I don't know I'm just surprisingly walking ahead of me or creeping up behind me of course it's so far so good it will be a long podcast today I think comparatively so buckle up

um yeah I mean this I am taking the occasional stone off just to get that total down a little bit but really not too much going on another big buried stone oh that's a nice one that's another similar size to the first and it's kind of nice to be back to picking out stones of that quality a little hassle half out here I've spotted something doesn't turn out to be that impressive but sir that stone the siren call came to me it wanted to be off the field and now it is and that's really how this must work when the stones are ready usually they will let you know sometimes

you do have to encourage them when it's their time interrupted there with a call from my wife uh he wanted to know if the plan was in the foot of the car even though I told her it was I was meant to get it out admittedly but um I think I was in the middle of telling you another medieval proverb if it is time to go the stone will let down know the photon will let down know if it's it's time to go ye photon shall for how let the know if it's time to put a the stone the photon lying may may be not a very good just right I'm surprised

and that one has made it through uh this far but you know just just happens sometimes not everything can be gold can it they can't all be gold as an old saying if you think all the feigns for how be gold wait until you hear the one about the stones laying and it is told which is also not a very good one but that one is a by part just because of the porous of the original one um and then that start you start to understand how they survive once you realize that uh but here I am out in the the part of the field that becomes more stone than

in soil in places it's slightly bewildering um it's difficult to really pick up anything because everything is a stone but even so I've managed to overcome that stone blindness to take off two or three or and accidentally found a hidden pen there as I chucked into the wilderness the stone cracked as it landed on some of its old brothers delighted to see them I'm sure it'll be reunited kind of stalactite like stone there that just goes into the edge though even if it is a stalactite it can light me but literally nobody around very strange I think I'm being rolled into a false sense of security

and it's working because I feel secure I feel like I can walk up into the edge of the field into the middle of the field and clear some good stones here and I'm not going for the big ones I'm just going for a hold of that one good that's a crackling big one that looks like a sort of ninja death star thing I'm just taking off what I can see the ones that are raised it goes uh conditions are so damp everything is coming up very easily no matter how deeply buried just two brothers there together that'll come off or siblings I should say in the stay and age we don't know they don't actually resume the sex

of the stones oh sorry we'll see all right we've got a bit close to the throw there a little clock in the mouth and that means of course there are no rules to stone clearing rule one of stone clearing in fact I don't know if I've told you this is there are no rules to stone clearing rule two is to make sure that when throwing stones now animals or children or people can be hurt so I slightly broke rule two I hope they have the stone clearing rules there but to be fair it was all his fault she was too close she should know by now it's more animals that are not aware of what's going on you have to look out for a nice little kick there dug in a little bit of metal in the field here

square of metal I can't tell you what it's for a rectangular piece that still comes off the edge if it's organic you no need to panic if it's not chuck the twat don't need to tell you that one if you find metal it must land amongst the e-petals that is some people feel that was not part of the original rhyme and that is many centuries later but they did have metal it's possible possible that they had a part of the rhyme for metals I can now see a dog water very much in the distance wearing a red coat easy to spot foolish mistake coming up to the top corner you all know this this is the part of the the field that I sometimes try and regress and break another rule of stone clearing which is that you must

only clear the field that you work in it's not you must not clear another man's field but there's just such good stones in this field that I feel I have to do it so one of the rules one of the rules of stone clearing is that rules are made to be broken of course though another rule is not the rules of stone clearing so you know it is it's open to interpretation like the Ten Commandments and now I'm breaking that rule I'm going to have a look in the next field just to see what's going on and that dog walker has to come into this field perhaps to witness my transgression he might not even be from the stone stars he might be from the stone

clearers guild out here just to see to check on whether I am obeying the rules but I will obey the rules that I see fit to rule I'm looking at this and there's some beauties out here he's coming this way so I'm going to have to knit back into my own field have any magical two stones from that field but they're going onto this little bit of wall and I hope to rebuild that wall over the years to come broken bit of wall doesn't leave my reach to where I'm going free though so I've out

maneuvered that guy in this game of stone based chess he can't really get back into this field without looking suspicious so throwing from a distance didn't quite get that to the edge of the field but it will be a pickup up of all another time that one a bit harder nicely into the undergrowth well thrown my friend thank you thank you my friend I'm talking to myself but you know you don't really have any friends or that one again near enough to the edge I think we'll be picked up on another occasion hopefully it was a nice size stone but uh we're pretty much getting to the point now where we're too far from the edge to

really again probably just on the path there so that's not bad we will have to start collecting stones in order to take them to the central can provided nobody's coming in the direction which they don't think you at the moment I will leave a little bit I'm suspecting there will be some nice stones and closer really the grass has grown back here quite quickly and that's a nice stone there we'll set that one up and it's a little bit higher than the sea the stones aren't here if I'm you know rather I presume all this maybe this bit has not yet been plowed it's always quite a second area though if you'll know if you listen to the podcast you've probably been looking forward to this bit

yeah it's like walking along a grassy field at the moment weirdly this field's never really got grass on it but the grass growing thick could turn into a little playing field if someone will get rid of all these stones it's a bit dangerous at the moment but you know I think we know the man to do that again keep the secret stone crane don't tell anyone it's me but I think we all know who I'm talking about it is me picked up another round of stone there with the almost like a ball with a little bit cut off again like a message from the stones there I think that can't be a coincidence saying yes we could clear this field and maybe we can extend the wreck into being a much much huger area and the children of your village shall play

and the red jacketed guy a bit near there to see me so I'm doing so I'm gonna might be a lady too far away to see but now crossing cleverly crossing the boundary between these two fields having been in my field according to the forbidden field and now another bit of man made stone here like again I don't know why that looks a bit more modern in concretey but concrete's been around for a long time of course but certainly hewn by a human hand or machine possibly even so stay straight is it um but that must come off too you can have no favorites no none must be left behind it's one of the tenants of stone clearing I haven't really

told you about the tenants there are our rules but there are several tenants and I want to say tenants I mean tenants um hope for amplification picking up another cut nice pair of stones here just from the path it's a bit hard to see much beyond really will this grass so what I thought would be a more exciting little trip for you I've left it too long and I still picked up five or six big stones here that will go on the central cairn which has been cut back now so we can see it again uh yeah I don't think it's been plowed over here yet that's what's going on but there goes the brick and there goes the other stones and one is turning into quite a nice little collection there but the base of the telegraph pole

oh it's flung one there from a little distance and it's mashed into to dozens of pieces but that is obviously what it felt it needed to do and another good chunk here so that will do pig that'll do I'll now do these two as well well the tree acting was quite a good break there one of the one of the stones flew into the tree and then fell down onto the cairn so that was nice we should be seeing it but uh not really appropriate to film this so we have plenty of ones so actually this path down here has not been trodden in yet by the dog walkers of my village so uh I will have to roughly approximate where I'm going feels like a long time since I've taken this walk that's all I can say

pick them up a couple of bigger stones as we go that looks like a shoe or a foot foot of some stone person of the past we haven't really talked about them that will come in in a future episode I'm sure we talked about the actual stone people that some people believe the bones are just the bones of those people I hope one day too as we have mentioned to become a stone person myself but I think the original stone people were born that way but I identify as a stone person and I hope you will support me in my journey to become one however long that may take if you won't join me we will become immortal

on and you may say which one you say that but you're picking up the bones supposedly of stone people there well technology is that in these days those people were not they were destroyed in the stone war a war between I mean I'm telling you more details than I meant to already so you taught me into it with your questions very clever um it was a war between the flesh people and the stone people uh the stone people called unawares they thought the flesh people were their friends and while they slept in the long sleep of winter the flesh people came and smashed them to smithereens and that is why there are stones and that is why fields are blighted with these stones now that is just a theory I'm not saying it's true

sounds good doesn't it and it makes sense and how did that story survive and get passed down well by the flesh people heronically so probably they can't be quite trusted but I'm sure some of the flesh people knew what they did was wrong and maybe they're the ones who told the story we don't know so I've had a few emails in Brian Stone for instance um probably that got into the podcast because of his name and then found it's quite interesting the natural stone thing he says are you ever going to talk about the legends of the stone people on the podcast well I wasn't going to Brian but um which should I should just pick up that email just at this point but um yeah I just did so you know your email looks stupid now

it's a well known Brian stone well do keep those emails coming in we arrived at the stone pole um Caroline Branch has been in touch to say when are we when are we going to see the stone cut oh first fucking time I haven't done it for so long oh second one way off second third time straight on fourth time just nips it fifth time completely missing it's a different pole six time hits it getting a bit too good maybe I'm a bit closer than usual uh still that was a pretty good hit rate for the stone pole uh she says when's the stone pole coming back it's just come back I mean why do you keep emailing me I'll do more from a distance

and nearly hit it then that was amazing um just chunky emails arriving you know at the good times not just after be more useful for you to remind me of the things I'm forgetting rather than to be reminding you I do appreciate all the emails I do appreciate all the many many many fans in this pub uh with Brian Bramble currently awaiting trial uh he uh unfortunately got a bit too friendly with his fans some of them but yet even in using the way he lives they still have some laws about that sort of thing and uh um well I think he may not be guilty and we're all hoping he is because uh that will make me the number one stone clear podcast although he's no triety ironic he's getting a lot of hits for his existing podcast uh a little revenue but I'm in negotiations at the

moment to have the podcast sponsored won't give away too much about that now and people won't like that uh I got an email from uh Henry Bracken who said uh I hope you'll never set out and have the podcast sponsored rich that would be a terrible betrayal of all your many fans well A I've done it already I'm like with the kicks that are things and B um I wouldn't be in betrayal it'd be good to be made for money so yeah things like that and I'm not doing this for money I'm doing this to for no you know money doesn't mean anything in the long long term these edifices I'm creating will stand long after money has been forgotten but you know some kids need shoes and stuff any money we make from this is obviously prior back into making more podcasts

um and get by me luxury items so might even be able to pay someone to throw the stones for me eventually so coming up around the corner here because we've been a bit careful I'm not going to be discovered it's been disappointing how few people have been out here today a few additions to the central ken there which is looking it's flattened down but it's looking okay and we are heading to the brexit ditch which maybe I think last time I didn't didn't use go on the brexit ditch today which will explain my question going on so I need some good good brexit ditch action coming up

they're running off to attack more birds I'm just picking up a few sort of small apple shaped stones here to go on toward the can the can there that seemed to just was distracted because it looked like the animals had again pushed my stones out of the way I'm trying to stop their progress and they are defeating me um I need bigger stones some nice stones just appeared just a couple feet out here down here usually the sim pickings down here but the file has given us a few additional stones to play with so coming to the end of our journey I've got a few if you're missing out anything that you

enjoyed from the podcast do let me know there's a lot of the emails today have been about that it's hard to remember what it is exactly that you guys like that feels like the path here has moved over somewhat so the edge of the field is very close now and maybe that will remain maybe that will change as the plow comes in so approaching the brexit ditch I better get some out Boris Johnson clearly has a plan and I worry he's using my brexit ditch as a distraction that he has no intention of creating brexit and will go well on my fault it's the fault of the brexit

ditch Richard Herring sort of tempted me in by implying he was going to be dead in the ditch and that made me want to do this and then actually I've been outplayed maybe well maybe that's why there are no no one surveilling me at the moment or the surveillance has become better and by drone possibly or from space maybe maybe Boris Johnson is watching me from space laughing at me just falling in light league with his plan but I have to use the ancient magic of this brexit ditch and here five or six stones gone in there may seven or eight it is another one so hopefully that should not help him we'll see if if I've been played along all the way by Boris Johnson I do apologize but I'm my heart is pure and I think ultimately that should lead to victory

um as I come into the edge of the field we may wrap it up around about now nice stones though coming out just look at that maybe that can go on the opening and closing can well that's even better than I thought it was once you pick it up so uh yeah well just I think we might need it there it's been a long old haul around the field today but uh nice to do the long walk nice to get the stone pole back in I hope you've enjoyed it if you're sleeping the music is about to come in so maybe turn off wake up and turn off the thing so it doesn't wake you up or you know instruct your partner to be looking up for that I'm heading off the field come on boss you've been a good girl today haven't you sorry I hit

you in the face a little bit are you okay yeah he's only with my fist yeah you're a good girl you like being beaten around anyway yeah good all right see you very soon thanks for listening I hope you enjoyed today's podcast down there good night to have a good sleep tight you have been listening to stone cladding with Richard Haring with me Richard Haring and Wolfie the dog and hardly anyone else and I think about it shush that's it my lovely the music is by my cove grave and the voice of the batons is my call for him yes that's right you're the fastest thing now and it's me Richard Haring coming into your dream I've taken off my pants oh what's this what's going on now oh you like that don't you you like what I'm doing

oh yes come on down good girl