Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 42

Episode Date: November 7, 2019

Chapter 42 - Headphone Narnia: It's November 6th and nearly 5pm and Richard is heading out into the dark Hertfordshire night to try and clear as many ftones as he can whilst shrouded in the cloak of night. It's been a while since he's done a night clear and he has to remind himself of torch and dog poo holding etiquette, but his ungloved hands may be cold and dirty, but they are nimble. More mottos and rules to live your stone clearing life by and probably some other stuff too, I can't really remember now. But stop trying to find some spoilers - just liften to the ftones my friend and enter your own Narnia (I forgot that everyone gets turned to stone there, that would have been a good point to make.)

Stone Clearing with Richard Herring Hello and welcome to another chapter of Stone Clearing with Richard Herring. It's the 6th of November. It's 1658pm. It's drizzly. It's dark. We're going on our first nighttime clear for a little while. There should be quite a quick one. I've got to be back inside to bath the kids. Another euphemism. And yeah, just let's see how... If I can remember how to clear stones at night time. It's a little patch up force for anyone who hasn't done this for a while.

Whether we'll see some sparks tonight or not. I don't know. I don't know if I want to after the fires that have beset the field. So it's damp enough, I think, for them not to be an issue. I would hope. Or if it's just an orgy. And obviously important to keep the eats going, mainly for the sake of Brexit. To keep it from not happening if that's your jam. And keep throwing stones in to your own Brexit ditch. So really, for you, it's just a symbolic thing. Mine is the only ditch. But we'll do a job. So yeah, surprisingly dark.

I haven't worn any gloves, which is possibly pure and foolish. I've forgotten everything that I've learnt about being out in the field at night. And we're going to head unusually just as there isn't much time up to the Brexit ditch first. Not before I've stopped to gather a few stones to add to the opening can, the closing can. Ah yes, now I remember how it is the way it leaves. You're not sure what's up or down anymore. But, oh, oh, found quite a nice, like, comma shaped stone there. Looks like a little skull for Halloween.

We are lucky that the stones are still pled for after the plow. No crops as yet, of course. So that wasn't the Brexit ditch. That was the one end of the Brexit ditch, but not the end that the stones must go into. Kicked one in, and thrown in two or three there. Or fallen on mud, not upon stone. There we go, you can hear the clicks as I hit the right part of the ditch. I'm sure that Brexit will not be happening this week. And you can quote me on that.

Put a hundred pounds on it, I would. Oh yeah, it's busy with stones out here that come out for the night thinking they're safe. And that's when you can leap in and pick them out, of course. I'm just idly throwing them into the edge of the field for now. But that's a leaf, that's a leaf. And of course you can venture a little further out as you're unlikely to be seen. But remember, there is a chance that someone unseen will creep up on you and find out what you do. Especially when you're talking to yourself.

I've hassled off the right out to see a stone that caught my flash right. Actually just pointing it small, but we jump in excitement. But still, it's good to clear stuff from this far out. Too far to throw, that's how far out I am. And that's just for starters. So it is remembering that chance to transgress to places that daylight might make you afraid to visit. And of course the problem is the flashlight in your hand, which is a sort of necessity. You can use a burning torch, which is what the original stone cloaks would have had to do.

Of course, we'll just use the high sight. It does take up one of your hands, one of your two hands, unless you wear a head torch, which I gave up on, to be honest. It didn't feel like it was in the spirit of things. You can't put a flaming torch on your head. There are no rules to stake over that. It's one of the clear rules. Are you pooping, Ernie? I look at you pooping right on the edge of the field like a brazen muskrat.

I mean, I think I better pick that up. I was thinking of burying it, but someone might easily chip over that. So that's so close to the edge. Why don't you go out in the field? Are you a monster? Quite loose stools from Wolfie. Doesn't really matter when it's on a field. I've got a little soup in, but I've got most of it off there if you're worried about the poo.

That's something else for me to hold. That can be in my torch can, though. Stonework is never done. Whatever that thing said, that was another rule of stone clearing. Oh, you can't put a flaming torch on your head. That's in the rules of stone clearing somewhere in there. I can't remember which number that is, a hand. There are so many rules.

It does get difficult to remember all I am. Pretty good, generally. So, yeah, once again, stepping out a little into the field. And my work is far from done, is all I can say. There's a lot of stones out here, a lot of clearing to be done. But if you can come out at night time like this, with every chance you can clear your field, try and put in as many hours a day as you can.

Life is finite. Stones are far more infinite. You must use the time you have wisely. Don't waste it. Cavorting and enjoying yourself. Well, you know, I enjoy this. It's kind of cavorting. The dogs are enjoying it. It's going to be crazy for today.

Have to be a bit careful, because I can't really see anything. So, just have to make sure. Oh, we're through that one from some distance onto the can. I'm quite pleased about that. Crick or crack all into there. And that one too. Here's a little one. Oh, perfect.

Oh, there's a big log on this field. I'm not worried about that. Some dog or human has brought that on. It's not my concern. And just immediately as I approach the path near the main can, I find quite a juicy, big brown stone. Place that at that end of the wall there. But that's popular end, really.

Reaching down. It's the longest one to fill. That goes towards the stone pole that way. I'll do a little bit of mild clearing here. See if I can get some sparks going. I well remember that, mate, that I first got sparks. Oh, that was a spark. How I regretted not...

Recording that one. I can't record all of these stone clears. There's a man of dog shit. Then I've got some dog shit in the bank. Quite near my torch. That one didn't spark. It did bounce around on the pile. Found its place.

And I'm hassle-huffing out a little bit. I'm keeping an eye out for interleakers. Got my stone here, I think. Oh, they're not bad. Not huge, but not bad. I'm going to toss that towards the can. And it actually might have made it. That was a pretty good throw. Underarm.

Quite a... I'm wishing I had worn gloves. Quite a sharp stone there. Oh, and there's another nice one. Big enough to carry. But still pretty big. Oh yes, there's some... There's some nice stuff to find out here.

I think I might have to do with three. This is another big one just lying atop the ground. Certainly the size of a house brick. But made of pure flint. Will go nicely at the base. Part of my wall to create... A foundation. Upon which many photons...

Shall... For howl... Reheft. There it goes. Hope you heard it. And two of its brothers beside it. Also nice and big. One of them just equally as big. One looks like a cartoon bone.

Looking at the path both ways. Just to check we're not being observed. Kicking some little stones onto this major pile. It is a good time to come out and work on your main can. Like a stone hell. At night time. You can get a lot of work done

that would be impossible in the day due to being observed. If a man builds a stone can in a field and no one is there to see it, does the can still exist? Yes it does. There are many answers to many of the stone cladding riddles. It's quite an easy one.

Too far but I'm going to throw towards... Not bad. Not a bad distance but certainly not on the can. So I'll pick up a couple here and then we might head back. It's just a quick hello this week. I've got quite a lot on.

Clearing stones makes no money. Someone did email in to say his kids were making five pounds an hour clearing stones for a local farmer. They're ten years old I believe. Might be twins. I did chastise him for being such a terrible parent

to allow a children's stone clear which I didn't mention but should have but for them to accept payment for something that is payment in itself. I mean to me that is one of the worst crimes a human can commit. I don't remember his name

I've got his email to end. And that was a real email. And I have all of the emails now. Of course. A few people are asking about whether a pebble, someone was asking if a pebble constitutes a stone and you know I'd say why haven't you listened to the podcast

properly you idiot. Don't waste my time. It's all in there this lexicon. You shouldn't just be dipping in. You have to listen to everyone even that one that didn't look called properly because it was in my pocket. So yeah clearly nice view here and now just going to take a little

wander out to see what I can see before heading back down past the Brexit ditch again. I mean there's certainly some stones out here. And now I've got to hit the fence. I don't know if you heard that. That was good. Getting some good exercise going.

Getting better at throwing from a distance to be careful. Flesh in the dark make sure no animals or children can be harmed. So yeah taking a little walk further out that's that baby. I mean it's all right that's okay in size I'm too far to throw it but I'm going to throw it anyway.

I'll get that another time. Yeah it's fascinating being this far out feeling this safe transgressing and yet fairly confident no one can see me but if they do of course there's every chance I'll be shot with a trespasser.

Especially when they see what I'm up to. I can just pretend I'm out here collecting dog poo but that excuse can only work once. Picked up a nice sturdy hand sized stone nice and round and then here comes another one much more jaggedy

like an asteroid flying through space instead of being in space and being massive it's quite small and on a field. Yeah well I'm not too worried looking at this. I thought I might walk this far out and find the whole

field was made of stone but it's given me confidence that I can manage this. Good girl Wolfs watch out I didn't go right to the edge but I can rescue it now. These have been casually thrown into the

hedge fence area as we come back down on this quick jaunt across the field just really enough for the dog to be able to poo that was my contractual obligation I have the poo, my wife asks I can produce that so yeah see here's the poo

I mean I could have got it from an earlier walk and saved it up but if she dips her tongue or finger into it she will sense the freshness and warmth of it. Of course I could have just warmed it up on the oven but I haven't and I've got this recording to prove it though and sadly

I'm not really able to play this recording because it would give away what I'm doing and she'd say why are you recording yourself walking even if I just do the sample and I wouldn't really have an answer to that so throwing it to the water is a big prejudice from a distance here

hardly any out here, I don't know what I think I can probably take it pretty easy for a while because my job feels like it's nearly done but hubris hubris as it was called is the enemy

of the photon clearer and if it can be as downfall you've seen many cairns on your walks around the countryside that have not turned into walls those are from guys and girls who thought they were better than the stones

they could defeat the stones the stones will defeat us all that is the one mantra that you mustn't forget so into the brexit niche from a good distance that should I'm going to say that's going to be enough

to keep brexit off for another two weeks but again let's not get heuristic some good stones going in I'm happy with that well short little podcast today I'll take you to the dog pooping and we'll be on our way

they're also recording a snooker podcast today that's your thing keeping up with those just for a bit of poo by a big stone there someone not as fastidious as I could pick up poo for their local facebook group

is furious with people who don't do that and I can tell you I'm not one of those they haven't noticed the stone during it though never been mentioned so yeah well we've had some good aphorisms today a couple of emails some nice clinking stones

alright what's coming down Wolfie knows my secret but she will never tell that is why a dog is a man's best friend if you did back kickstarter campaign a couple of kickstarters ago your t-shirt should be coming out if you went for the stone trade one we're still awaiting

the cases that are coming from China that these stones will be placed in they are pretty special not so special I think to justify that man's time we had to wait for them

it is a very special but they will come and they will be worth it and they will make your fortune my friend as well as being curfed so yeah we had a few other emails in

now I've got my phone I can check for details weird I couldn't find my phone earlier even though I'm recording it on my phone but that's just the way it is here it is I didn't have an email

because I thought Ian Mason which I'm discounting was clearly a made up name you can't trick me so don't try and trick me I know I can tell who's real and who is not got any signposts quite in touch to say Rich how can you tell

I wonder just wondering how you could tell which emails are real and which aren't interesting often it's just the names we give away if someone's got to they're just suspicious names I look out for really people

using pseudonyms or perfudonyms perfudonymph are usually not too imaginative Brenda perfudonymph has also been in touch

to say where's my stone I was thought I was getting the stone for the kickstarter I just explained that Brenda why weren't you listening because it's slightly early in the podcast don't email in if you think I might answer your question that's another sign my house is like a Christmas tree

I'm the only one in there at the moment the kids are just about to return unless they've just come back you'd have thought I'd like something there's a global warming going on I do but that does not affect me or my stones that gate you need to replace

and we'll be replacing so I'm just going to put that smelly dog poo in my regular bin that's the kind of guy I am I couldn't even bother to walk the road so the dog bin which isn't too far away but just the kind of guy I am then we're back home

let no one say it's just me I left all the lights on so I hope you enjoyed this quick podcast check out the sneaker podcast remember I am playing myself a sneaker on the 4th of December at my cockpit theatre in London

I'll never do a live stone clearing event that would be against you cannot be observed for fear what if you know I'm one of the stone starsy I had to take a few times along to that bang, completely banged the right

so I can't trust anyone with stuff like that but you have come to see the sneaker all the sneaker stars and things go to www.chain.com to find out details of where you can buy tickets I'm not sure how to sell

I'm imagining not well but I've had no information as yet to get to sell so far anyway I'm going to go I've got 10 minutes before the kids come back and I will be in charge so I've done my duty to you and to them 20 minutes or so

not bad you know you're not paying anything right I answer all your emails give you all the rules give you aphorisms and all morals to live your life by alright I'm giving you some food alright Wuffy wants the food I have to

do back here in the real world that's why I prefer being out there with the stones and so do you you prefer this little escape into a wonderful it's like Narnia out there isn't it I mean quite a boring Narnia

quite muddy you go through a wardrobe you go through earphone headphones even Sue S Lewis could not have predicted that alright Wuffy food's coming do you think I would forget to feed you do you think I would

bye then I love you all bye and they in turn will listen to you my friend my friend