Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 43

Episode Date: November 14, 2019

Chapter 43 - Ivory Towerf. It's 7.45am on 14th November 2019 (as it turns out one year and two days since the first chapter, but stone clearers like Jehovah's Witnesses do not celebrate birthdays) and the weather is overcast. Richard is out on the muddy field, clearing stones for real, not just reading about doing that in books like Bryan Bramble and the students at his University of Stone Clearing in Wellington. He has some harsh words for those who study rather than do and for anyone who collects stones in a mortar board, plus is reminded of his mortality by the increasing coldness of the stones. Fummer is over. And what has happened to all the other dog walkers? Oh they're over there.

Stone Clearing with Richard Herring I don't know if we do Come on Wolfie, come here, good girl Come here Come here Right there, come on Yeah, this is good Good morning, it's 7.43 on the 14th of November

Two months into November, oh my Christ I think this is Chapter 43 of Stone Clearing with Richard Herring for Stone Clearing, who are an Anglo-Saxon medievalist listening to this, possibly through some holding time Must be confusing for you, very confusing to me Must be confusing, I mean you may get a work out there This practice between the two languages yourself You're probably just scared of this voice

appearing from the ether, but do not be scared, I am your friend Everything turns out okay Well, comparatively, you wouldn't believe the advances in stone clearing over the years, but yeah, it's a grey morning There's a little drizzle Of course, stone clearing must continue whatever the conditions Slipping a bit in mud here We're still not at the point where the morning ground is rock hard

Though I have noticed on my other stone clearing trips this week The stones are getting cold again, you forget Through the summer plenty, the second, that means second, not second Summer time, you forget that the turn of the stones do get as cold as death once we approach the winter Straight onto the field, straight away three very small stones coming off, throwing towards my main can A more slightly bigger, small one

Oh, there's a nice one The ground is still strewn with the fruits of the plow More stones than I can really cope with Get out, what are you doing? Dog just jumping up on me Do you think stone clearing is a game? I'm happy to use that as a cover if I am discovered I can't just claim that I'm throwing stones for the dog to chase, which you'd ask

So it works out perfectly, I suppose Maybe the dog knows in its heart what it's doing is something bigger than just a game It doesn't really matter, does it? All that matters is the stones Coming off, one by one on this merry dance that we call life Oh, there's a nice one sticking up, it's quite a dangerous one, sticking up like an arrow head The point upwards, someone could have checked on that, quite badly gashed themselves So, although I have no interest in biological beings

Sometimes what I'm doing here does assist them I could have said to nab the injury to a human or dog Or a cow, if they want to walk onto a field and like me Anything biological Most likely a human or a dog, most of the time those are the animals I've seen out here Five minutes or so, that's just human as well Thank you, no matter Oh, there's a beauty, looks like a gull of a bird's head

Oh, there is an actual bone, that still can come off, it's organic But it's so close to being non-organic that I'll take it off This guy here now by this fence that I like to hit as I walk past is really taking care of his lawn To the extent that I imagine I let the thrown stones on there would properly annoy him So, it doesn't stop me though Again, I seem to be the only person out here at the moment I'm taking a little hassle hop out into the field, just a short way The conditions are very muddy, I'm sinking a little as I walk

An interesting duck, they've now chucked that off because it was interesting Sometimes being interesting is a good or bad thing, if anyone you think it's good or bad to be thrown off the field if you're a stunt There's still some debate about that amongst academics Some have a good academic claim, the stones want to be taken off, that's my own personal belief I just believe they want to stay on the field while I'm doing what other stunters are doing I'm not arrogant enough to think I'm the only one doing this It's actually against what the stones would wish I think it's what the stones want, they let me know when they're ready

Nice hit of the fence from a distance there Just stepping out a little way, just to see what's out here Some stones is the answer, a lot of soil, some fat equal amount of soil and stone Does it happen? There's a nice fairly semi-round semi-flat stone It goes out towards the, there's a charred fence post there that should make a nice can rig around In memorial to the Great Fire of the Field of Photone I do have to be aware that I have to get back there

There's another bit of brick there, I hate that I hate that more than stone I think that humans have added to the stones in this field rather than taking them away Makes me furiously angry, that's how we're doing for time I'm only six minutes into this so I don't know, I've got about 25 minutes to drive my daughter to school As much as I'd love to stay out here all the live long day Unfortunately human concerns I do apparently have to keep my children alive and educated by some kind of law Which I don't think I made those kids, I can do what I like with them as far as I'm concerned

But the law does not agree And out here on the field of course there are no laws, there are no rules We act as we feel, one day I hope the whole world will be this way But although rule one is there are no rules to stand clear and rule two is please do look after your kids and make sure they're educated Not because the rules of stone theory have any regard for children, just because they're aware that if stone theory is archartal after prison for child neglect That's less stones to be clear, it's just common sense So it's a kind of rule but it's a rule that is for the good of the stones Oh and there's a beauty, what a beauty that is, oh they are cold though these stones

There's a real manallium falcon, that shape stone, a lot of it was hidden underground You could hear I was expecting a smaller stone as I lifted, did you could tell from the way I, oh it was slightly heavier than I anticipated I'm picking a rounder stone off to the edge there, the dog going for that one Again it's not a game wolfie, it may seem like a game to you But yes approaching that hard winter time I'd forgotten about it, we have been going for, must have been going for a year now I haven't checked the dates, I'm not into anniversaries The passing of time just reminds us how little we have achieved But yeah it's very easy to forget how the seasons change and you think it's summer forever

You think you were young forever and then suddenly it's winter again Well you just poop there wolfie, I mean that's quite a good one because I can easily bury that that's on the field So just excuse me, a slight detail from Stoneclay as I just scraped some soil on top of that poo There's a stone in amongst it and I'm not touching that, that one I'll have to wait for a later time Some academics think that smearing dog shit on stones is something I disrespectable to the stones And I agree with those academics, smearing dog shit on anything is pretty much it's hard to spin matters or a respectful act So well done academics, for me at least you got that right but with academics there's always debate in there Academics aren't out here, I can't see any academics out here including stones, they've got all their theories

They're sitting in their ivory towers think pontificating about what stones want and what it might mean And what the art of stone clearing is about and whether it's about man's struggle against nature or nature's struggle against man etc But they're not out here doing it are they and until they've actually been out here and done it And I'm not talking about students and they're going on a little field trip stone clearing That's not the same as what I'm doing day in, day out as an old man attempting to They come and go to those students and they'll do clear a few stones, I think they're communicating with the past I think they're a working man like me but they'll go back to their jobs in advertising And the stone clearing degree is practically useless in today's environment

They're just interested in having sex and drinking and those are two things that I am really no longer interested in Because I've got the stones and that's a beauty, that's another one that's like a brick but it's not Throw that into the base of one of the trees Still nobody around It's like spooky, I think the dog walkers, I mean I hope they're just getting bored of walking dogs But either their dogs have died or they've died because they're just not the same numbers as they once were Possibly being picked off By future robots trying to kill the person, feeling the stones they still haven't worked out it's me

I'm leaving no clues and that is how it has to be if a few innocent dog walkers have to die So that I can clear stones at a price I'm prepared to pay Not a price that I enjoy, particularly a little bit, especially with some of them a bit annoying But it's a price I'm prepared to pay for the bigger good, the bigger good it's got So we're doing, we're cutting across the field, just chucked a couple of stones onto the can opposite the main can I'll try and throw a few stones off the field from a distance, that one's gone nicely into the rough It's actually the grasses growing here, I'm sure this isn't the new crop, they wouldn't have planted that yet But it's almost like a crop, it's hiding many of the stones, this one's a bit too far now, let's see how we go

Well it's closer to the edge, Wolfie went for it, didn't catch it luckily because it was quite sharp and slightly hurt my fingers I threw it, we may get into a point where we need gloves again And I'm going to bottle this one down the pathway so I'll find it at a later date, because I'm too far away, Wolfie's going for it Well it's gone slightly off the pathway, but still, just that little bit closer And don't think academics, just by listening to me doing this, that you're somehow communing with the real stone clearers, you're not I'm out here, I don't record every single stone clear and sitting in your ivory tower, I mean just the expense of building a tower out of ivory and the ecological impact I mean there's much I don't like about you guys, but I think the ivory tower is probably the greatest of your sins But I don't think you are one of us, do you want to become one of us, throw away your mortarboards?

The only use of mortarboard is to transport stones and it's not particularly useful for that to be honest If you come out here wearing a mortarboard while you're stone clear people are going to laugh at you, that's not appropriate headwear I've just come out to find a lovely bit of flint, there's a dog walk in the distance, so they're not all dead Oh that's a beauty, that is quite, I'm actually quite an away from the edge and that's quite heavy It's denser than it looks, but a good size, that's the find of the day Oh and there's another dog walker over in the corner between the two fields So maybe lolling me into a false sense of security, I'm passing a lot of advice Oh there's a beauty out there, I can't resist that one, this might be the find of the day

It's just sat atop the field, there's a couple of bees here, that's not as big as I thought Not as big, not the find of the day, but still a pretty good find We are back to this part of the field, we've revealed many more big signs, I'm passing out a lot here Someone I can't bear to pass like this one Oh blimey, this is going to be a good exercise if I can get these across before a dog walker appears Oh I dropped one, I've dropped another one I'm struggling to manage my booty now, I think this is going to have to be it But I'm still a good hundred meters from the edge, incredibly risky

And I'm plodding, they're cold, oh this is hell It's important to stay fit and I haven't been staying fit as I could do But when you get to this, when you're carrying several pounds a lot of stones across a field You do need to be in top physical shape, so are we hitting the gym, or the field as I call it And trying to get back into shape, cut down on the poor pies But some beautiful specimens here, if cold, regretting my choice to come out loveless But at least this is genuine and real, not reading about someone doing this in the book I'm doing it, I'm in danger of catching a terrible cold

You can see here these four, some of them are a little smaller than those But a couple of giants there, I've got my coat dirty That doesn't matter, my hands are covered in filth, it's not important Right, well I'm pleased with that, that was a reminder of the early days of stone clearing for me When I first came across here, that's almost what got me into it was that main cairn And the many large stones that littered the field as you crossed it Michael, who started building that cairn, he had a similar impetus, not quite strong as mine He just took one stone a day, every dog walk and stuff, built that cairn and gradually

Then I came along carrying the arms falls, sometimes bag falls if you remember 20 or 30 stones to get it up to the standard it is now Making Michael look something of a fool for his slow progress And he's a bit older than me Michael, so he hasn't got time to piss about I don't know what he was thinking, though of course not quite the muscle mass that I have I'm still young and relatively strong There's still many more stones for me to carry Oh, yeah, well I feel like a man, more like you

You got your little quill pen there and you had to listen to this have you mate? Trying to work out what it's all about I can't work out whether it's just nonsense or some kind of genius Oh fuck off, get off down here Stop worrying about what things mean Just get things done That's what I'm doing, I know what it means Don't need to look it up in a book

Don't need a tutor to go, oh yes well done You understood the symbolism of that, fuck that The stones symbolize themselves, I symbolize me Getting the stones off the field symbolizes clearing the stones It's as simple as that, you've wasted £10,000 a year A student loan you'll never pay off with your useless stone clearing degree If you'd come down to the field for three years and just worked at stone clearing You'd know everything and you'd need to know about life

And I hate you, you know what I'm talking about And the fact that Brian Bramble has managed to somehow resuscitate his career And set up a stone clearing college That some people who listen to this podcast have gone across to that And thought oh I'll try that, it makes me sick That helped him The only good thing about it is it's in New Zealand where he lives That's a long way away from my field

So I wouldn't get Ponzi academics coming out here picking up stones And thinking they know something about something they know nothing about Oh I just threw some stones in the ditch and stopped Brexit Slightly worried that that isn't working but you just have to have faith It's just that cross there, I'd forgotten It makes me all nice bit of slate there That's unusual It's off the field now, don't worry if you're worried

Of course the other good thing about the winter is That one of the other dog walkers are not having the bushes having sex Taunting me with their proclivities It means I can concentrate again on what's important Clearing stones, not worrying about what everyone else is up to Not worrying about the fact that they're excluding me from The depraved and disgusting antics I can just get on with my job

So we're coming off the field now, dog's done a poo as you saw I hope you can see, it wasn't nice but you heard I mean you weren't listening, I hear it's squeezing out But you know, I mentioned it, that's what I'm saying My hands are filthy, as a stone we should be Oh you've got some ink on your fingers have you mate, oh dear So let's see, I've got some emails come in this week Thanks for the email, another one from Ian Mason

I'm not falling for it mate I'm definitely better at coming up with names Simon Trellis He's been in touch today, I'm studying stone clearing at Brian Bramble's College in New Zealand What if you could help me with explaining the symbolism The question is what is the symbolism of the stones In stone clearing

No I can't help you mate Simon Well I'll tell you what I can help you, leave university I'm not going to, it's not people just studying stone clearing All academia is wrong Experts are bad Just go with your gut feeling, you know why you're doing stuff Nothing symbolises anything, everything is just what it is Everything is meaningless, stop studying

But I'm not going to answer you either Simon You don't want to spend time at university, I mean it's a shame you didn't listen to this one Before you sent me that email But then you know that's it, that's the problem with you guys You won't just sit back and wait for the thing to come up You have to help me do my homework Please Richard I don't know what it means, if you had to come up with it

Come up with it, I thought you were dead then When he died then that would have been an embarrassing place to die If I was killed by a sports car I would have thought so But I would have felt embarrassed if that had been the way I'd gone out And it had been recorded and the priest had listened back to that And had to try and make sense of what this is It would have in a way been apt

But you know I worry about the stones That would be my last thought because I died in the gutter outside of my house What about stones? I haven't seen them Because I have so much left to do I've also got to get you some food from out in the garage It's very sweet, I don't do it now when I'm still talking to these ladies and gentlemen Let's face it, gentlemen Let's face it, not gentlemen

I'll take off my dirty soil sodom jacket I'll clean my hands before I feed you a coffee, I'm not a monster You wait there sweets So anyway, the good news is I didn't die on air But that's how I want to go, eventually But not yet, I'd like to die in the middle of a podcast Please upload the podcast, whoever finds that Recording

Probably just run, I'm going into the ambulance arriving My wife can't hear me So, yeah, well we'll leave about it, I've got to feed the dog Ian Kibble's been back in touch to say keep up the good work on the stone clearing Which I hate academics, oh it's interesting you say that And I like, I actually feel that listening to a stone clearing podcast is too academic And that anyone doing that rather than just getting out there and stone clearing Is also a fraud and an idiot

I agree really to an extent there, Ian I mean, it's better than being an academic, if you're an academic you can be both But don't just listen to this, get out, a lot of you are telling me about your stone throwing antics Brenda, liquid soap, it's been in touch That's a dumb lie, don't you think? Oh, I think my wife's coming, I bet She'll be across because I'm going to get to the Chinese school I'm going to go, sorry Brenda, I've got time to answer your query

It's got to change the dog's water Thanks for listening, see you again next time on Stone Clearing with Richard Herring I'm going to take my wife's in the room, you've got to go You have been listening to Stone Clearing with Richard Herring and Wolfie the Dog Not many other dog walkers in as they've all been murdered by robots from the future RIP I guess Thanks to Mike Coughgrave for writing the theme tune, not the song you're listening to now though That's all me, I mean the popular of the past

Thank you to the voice of the Photones, Michael Faheen And they, in turn, will listen to you, my friend, my friend