Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 45

Episode Date: December 2, 2019

Chapter 45 - Afteroidf. It's just before 5pm on 2nd December and aside from crepuscular light in the distance and the smiling moon, all is dark. And it's time to ponder whether there is stone clearing on other planets and why stones brought organic life to our world. Plus nighttime transgressions and Edmondsing. It's the podcast with everything.

Stone Clearing with Richard Herring Come on in. Right here. Let's get some boots on. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. You're all right, sweetie. Here you go. It's crazy. Do-do-do. Do-do-do. Right here. Flashlight. Do-do-do.

Come on in, Morse. Good girl. No, wait, wait, wait. Good girl. Come on and show. Hello. Welcome to Stone Clearing with Richard Herring, chapter 45, 46. I'm not sure what it is. It's 10... What are you doing? You're in a rush to get somewhere.

It's 1647. It's the 2nd of December 2019. And the moon is in the sky. Some would be delighted to see it. I think the moon is its friend, and maybe it is. And maybe it's all of our friends. Have you thought about that? It's the biggest stone I know of.

It's pretty dark out here. It's pretty chilly. I have a flashlight, but it's not particularly efficient. I think I might need plugging in. I'm a little bit spooped to the cat and the dog. It's calling him a cat, but I'm calling her a hymn. Just doing a wee. I'm heading out onto the cold, old field.

The tones are lying on the ground. Another night clear. It shouldn't be nighttime, should it? Weirdly, there's the beautiful lights, I guess, in the setting. Sun in the distance. Over the far end of the field, the sky is pink and light. Whereas this side of the field in the sky is dark. Of course, it's a little bit harder to clear the stones in the dark.

I don't want to tell you that, you're not idiots. Sometimes you have to go fairly basic on this podcast. Of course, I'm going to try and throw these from the distance. That missed onto the opening. Ken did not manage to do it. So we'll walk around. Maybe do the short route. See what we can see.

Of course, there is the opportunity for some transgression out onto the field. See what's out here. Really a lot of the work out here will be to do in a few years time. It is, but it's nice to come out here and see what we're dealing with. Basically, whilst there's no one around, my torch is picking up. Oh, that's a nice flat. I'm just throwing them under several feet out into the ocean. The dog is chasing.

They're just going random. But there are some nice specimens there. Oh, that's quite as big as I thought it was. Cold, of course. Old, that goes without saying. Gold. Well, not in the sense you're thinking, but more precious than gold. Bold.

No, they have no feeling or bravery. Sold, never. If you sell a stone, you are just... Oh, it's gone off the field. You're just inviting a curse upon yourself. Like I said, there's always a bit of concrete there. That's coming off. It's the fence.

Having said that, if you did... Oh, so you're gay. I'm picking up in the way. If you did apply for a stone by the Kickstarter, these should be going out this week. Chris Evans, not that one, is in charge of that. And we've been waiting for some display cabinets to come all the way from China.

I believe they have mostly arrived. So, hopefully, that Kickstarter will soon be finished. We have to film some snooker, which is happening on Wednesday, the 4th of December at the Copper Theatre. That won't concern you. You're interested in the sport for something as frivolous as that. You are interested in stones. We may have a sponsor for the Stone Plain podcast.

For one episode, at least. The news of that will come when that's finally confirmed. Very exciting news. Of course, all the money from that will go into stone-based charities for orphaned stones and stones that have been split up in their siblings. Basically, therapy for those stones. I can't see anyone around at the moment, but my torch is not really strong enough to pick up much in the distance.

So, maybe I get sprawled upon. Nice throw there from some distance. Richard, thank you. Thank you for noticing. Let's go a little bit further out and see what we can find out here. Yeah, not bad. A couple of not-bad, larger stones out here. As you might expect, probably no stones have been out this far into the Stone Plain for centuries.

Some of these stones have grown both in confidence and size. This is a rare mojus. I've just dropped two of the big stones I've picked up. Mediums is that, really. I don't think I've found any of the mediums. But this is the one time of the year, I think I was saying, that it's possible to get to these with no crops or anything in the way. So I'm carrying five quite medium, big medium stones.

Medium. I mean, they're not big, they're medium. I think I've made that tear. And a little hillock. Yeah. Oh, they're cold, though, man. That's a coldness there I was not expecting. It's nice out here.

It's fairly set. The darkness makes things both safe and extremely dangerous. Of course, any stone for Tarzan's feet, Starzy, out here can just kill me if they want. Or certainly steal my stones. And that's what you have to remember. I guess I've forgotten that, not without it, it might turn too much. He's playing the confidence of a man who has forgotten that he is wanted by time travelling agents. He would want to prevent him from completing the wall that he's completed in their timeline.

Bringing the end to flashes, I might expect. Someone like that. Possibly creating it. Maybe other people are trying to stop it. Which doesn't really matter to me, which is human politics. Hold a little sway for me. Down into the corner of the field here. And, yeah, a few.

Again, I'm not just going for size. It's exciting when you see a bigger stone. But all stones are equal under the eyes of God. People have been sending me messages, tweeting me sometimes. Someone tweeting a picture of a stone field saying, oh, you've got your work cut out here is your next job. But if you see a stone field, then by stone clearing law, it is your job to become the stone clear. And I don't want to claim that field for themselves. It's not a dog, it's a bench.

And there are no rules to stone clearing. That is rule one of stone clearing. But one of the absolute abiding laws of stone clearing is if you find a field that needs clearing, then you smelt it, dealt it. And that's smelt in the sense of a burning. And dealt in the terms of you have to deal the stones off the field. So I think you're clever if you can send me a picture of a stone field you've come across because that's yours. Unless it's mine, in which case, get off my land.

I'm quite happy doing this one. I'm not going to start thinking too much about doing this one. If this one works out, I am going to do the one that I'm transgressing to at the top corner. We're not going to go there today. And I think it would be arrogant to think that in what remains of my lifetime, I can do much more than that. Some people on the ground are actually getting a bit frosty here. Some of the stones stuck in. Some people think I'm not even going to live to clear the billions and billions of stones.

But they're on this one field. Experts and mathematicians say that my current rate of clearing out maybe 100 stones a week. Which I think is a bit more than that. It will take me 500,000 years to clear what they guess. I mean, it's just a guess of how many stones are out here. I mean, they do look like they're more than, you know, 52 times 100 times 30. I'll give them that. Anyway, just approaching the center of the field, around the edge.

I'm a little way into this ocean. Just seeing what I can find out here. Too obvious. I picked up a small, medium, large, I would say. I'm holding now. Hard to know until they've seen all the stones and the sizes to actually categorize them. That's one of the problems. It's never shifting system.

And right here, I'm a bit out of breath. I'm getting a bit unfit. Been doing a lot of writing. Again, not my important work. Been distracted by things that don't matter in the long run. That radio force had come in the long term. I mean, it's very exciting, obviously. In the short term, I feel like a God.

The admiration of all my writing, P.S. In the long term, in eons, will, relativity, series three, even be remembered by the alien creatures that will come to inhabit this earth. Probably not. And if it is, I think a lot of it won't make much sense to them. Maybe that oxo cubes and wheat picks at the moment. So their chances of those things surviving are small. They will understand the stone podcast. I think if there is alien life out there, which I'm sure there is, they too will have started clearing stones.

It's probably the one thing that unites us impossibly. Well, if you believe in the stone gods, the reason we're here is, of course, to clear stones. And the reason aliens are there to clear stones. And when we meet up finally, I guess, it will all become clear. Are you clear stones as well? Yeah, we do that. Oh, it wasn't Jesus. It wasn't Jesus after all.

Certainly not the version of Jesus we celebrate in schools and churches. The only thing about Jesus, I think, I mean, did a lot of stone based sayings. And he had a, you know, Peter, which again is a clue in the rock. Like the rock in our days. What's that? It's like a little meringue in the case. And I've thrown that. The dog's gone running after it.

I'm right in the middle of the field now. It's, I mean, it's fruitless really throwing it, but it has got somewhere closer to the edge. Anyway, I'm not just rambling about religion walking in the field. I haven't got time really to go into this in detail right now. But I think we can be assured that that stone clearing is going on all over the known and unknown universe. There's stones everywhere, even just in space in between the planets. Stones in astroform brought life to this planet. Again, I'd ask you, is that a coincidence?

Those were the proteins or whatever on the asteroids. That's a nice one. Just found a nice one. I might have the stones bring the building blocks of life here because they knew there were more stones that needed to be cleared. It all links up. Oh, yeah, some lovely specimens here. I have my good 50 meters from the, what, 30 meters maybe from the edge of the field. These babies are cold, but that's not stopping me.

These are going on the main cane, which I haven't seen is a little dilapidated. Gravity is taking its effect. Once stood tall as the weather beat down and it has spread and does not look as good as it did even like a few months ago. That's why stone clearing work is never done. The stones have not come back onto the field. That's all that really matters. But it looks like this wall is shunned. I don't think people are taking the stones back.

I think it's just the stones pressing down at each other, the heaviness pushing them into the earth, spreading out, making themselves comfortable. That's fine with me. I was there not on the field. And don't get me wrong, it's an impressive little wall and building here. And you would love it if you saw what I can't really take a photo of it now. Maybe in the future, because I will. And there's several more bricks in that wall. I think I'll just take a picture of that sky over there.

Jesus, there. Are you still going? Because it's quite wonderful. Oh, that's my breath. I hope that gets me there. That's the magic of the stones. One of those will do. Let's just check we're still rolling.

We are. Are we still rolling? We are. Good. So, yeah, saying we're not meeting anyone anymore on these walks, which is a slight pity. What is it? A good thing. I don't know.

I can't see anyone down there. Do we need to do something about this torch? Just walking out in the field to see what I can find. A little bit further out. It's not a lot, is the answer. Let's see if we can create a spark in this distance. Oh, I think I might be able to look with the spark. Certainly, I've seen a bit in brightness, but that's always the can.

I don't want to hit the can. Too far away, too heavy. This looks like a cartoon bone. I don't know if that's something to pick it up. Well, I hope you heard that clinking and clanking its way to the target. You're a good girl. She's down a poo. I need a poo.

Anyway, I'm homeward bound now. Down the hill towards the big ditch that stopped Brexit. And rarely having to feed this thing now. Things have not been going so well, but there's been times where I've thought that before when the Brexit ditch has come through with a plum. I thought that was a leaf, but it was a stone. I kicked it to the sea and it turned out to be a stone.

Now it's off the field. It might have been out of contention. It's gone. I have to be careful also that there is poo down here. Of course, do ever be ever mindful of the poo situation. I would take quite a walk out here the other day just to see what was going on. Let's see what was going on. This is not a heavily populated portion of the field.

There's stones everywhere, but comparatively. I have found some right old big ones down this way in the past, but it's been a while. Oh, it was a weak throw. The birds startled by the sound of a stone fly away. Come on walks, come here. I don't want to get that far away from throwing stuff, do I? There you go, if you go chasing it.

Now what's this? Is that a stone? That's like a big bit of that. Another bit of concrete. It's massive. It does count as a stone. I think it's concrete. Can't really see in this light.

Could be a meteorite. Could be the very meteorite that brought life to this planet. Could have sat here in this field in Hertfordshire. No one really knows science stuff because they're not able to answer that question yet. What brought the stones to this planet? We don't know. Why do they want to be put to the edge? We must not question.

If I'm just going to the edge, why don't we just go to the edge? We stop asking questions. I'm not here to give answers, I'm just here to clear stones. You should know that point now. Though I will give answers about clearing stones. If you have any questions, do email them in to the usual address. Trevor Soil has been in touch. And he's got a question.

He says, do you accept questions about stone clearing on your podcast? But if you listen to the podcast, Trevor, you would know. But I do. But each person has only allowed to do one question, and that was your one question. I've known all Edmunds View. That's what I used to do. So if you see the store swap shop on it, you go, and you say, can I say hello to my mum?

You just have to make. He's got them. And that's why I've used the Edmunds. It's just like Brexit. A couple of stones going in now. But it's dirt on my finger. I'm hoping it's dirt, not shit. It's all the same, innit?

Oh, that's a leaf. That's the first leaf of the winter to trick me. I like it if I can hear the clinky clank in the Brexit ditch. I don't like when it's a thud. I think that's a bad sign. So far, just thuds. Still a thud.

Still a thud. That's a little bit of a sign. Boris Johnson doing well, isn't he? Is he? I don't know. He hates the Brexit ditch. That's what I know. There they go. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. We're going to be fine. We're going to be fine. So heading out now. Dark. I'm not as fearful as I was. The moon is looking down at me.

It's smiling. It's like a smile in the sky. Here are going to be sideways. Plane passes by. Which side of the moon is the plane on? We don't know. In front or behind? Or is it a satellite?

Or is it an alien? Come to observe our stone clearing techniques? Of course, this podcast, I presume, like all broadcasts, is broadcasting slowly out into space. If it does reach a civilization that hasn't yet discovered stone clearing, I'm not saying I hope I'm viewed as a god.

I'm not a god. That's what a god would say. And to be honest, a lot of stuff I'm doing is pretty amazing. So if you feel like you can worship with me, that's cool. But yeah. Welcome to the idea of moving stones.

Once upon a time, humans haven't thought of it, so don't be feeling embarrassed about that. I mean, you'd be a bit embarrassed if you've got the technology to intercept alien podcasts and you haven't thought of that kind of stone yet. That's a bit weird. But there are no wrong answers with stone clearing

unless you do it wrong or break rules or put stones on the fields. All those things are wrong. Come on. Come on, good girl. Look at what you're doing. Get out of my jacket. There's not going to change.

What are you looking for? So heading down back a little. What was a quick little draw? We didn't go all the way. Of course, great time to pick up stones at night like no one's around. You could stay out here for hours. Try not to get exposure.

Do wrap up warm at this time of year. And don't get complacent. That's a big part of it. Don't get complacency. But you're safe. The nearly wiped out of stone clearing was in the 17th century. They were like dodo's, really.

Just moving stones. I mean, dodo's don't move stones. Not anymore, anyway. Unaware. The prejudice that out there didn't even run when they saw them coming. Just assumed everyone would know that stone clearing was the best thing that human could do.

And people who object to stone clearing move took them out. They nearly died out. Carried on their work as secretly as possible. Only now a few of us are brave enough to put our heads above the parapet again and admit what we're doing. But I have to remain anonymous.

I can't let anyone know exactly where I live, who I am, where this field is. Please do not try to find me. It could be the death of me. We don't want that. So back to the house now. Binday often is, isn't it? It feels like Binday comes around

more than once a week, you know? It doesn't. The stone guy goes so fast. The house is on fire. I think it's just the central heat. You're pushing out its fumes. Deadly fumes on occasions been for us. What's that light flashing?

That's the car. OK, never mind. We're in. We're back home safely returned. Done as we've been followed. We'll give Wolfie some dinner. Everything should be OK. My boots are very dirty.

I could grab my children. Flying and laughing in the distance is time to bid you a dinner. And say thanks for tuning in. We'll see you next time. For more Stone Clearing. We have reached home. Wolfie the dog.

All the other people in town are washing their hands. Don't get wet hands. We're in for some Stone Clearing. What are you doing, Wolfs? My son's got to say that or something. It could be anything. The idiots, the kids, the idiots.

All right. See you around. Take care. Love you all. Thanks for the emails. Keep them coming in. Brian and I was an echo. He's been in touch.

No time to answer your... My son's looking to me. OK. Take care. Bye. You've been listening to Stone Clearing and Wolfie the dog starring all those different stones.

Remember them all? The one that was a bit of concrete. There was one that was quite big. There's a flatish one. I mean, I can't name them all really. They're really the stars of the show. The music is by Mike Coffray. The voice of the tones is Mike Coffray.

Yee. My friend. My friend. What?