Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 49

Episode Date: December 31, 2019

Chapter 49 - Happy Anuary. It's just before midday on 31st December 2019, but your human anniversaries mean nothing to the ftones or their gods. Anus only looks forwards and so shall we. Some more stones get cleared and somehow the history of stone clearing gets more smeared with soil and Richard attempts to stop himself falling into the hot water of judging stones by their colours or women by their strangeness. Also transatlantic communication from a famous actress promises hope of a new love, but only in the event of an accident. Alaf, Richard muft return to his family for now, but who knows which way the winds of Anuf will blow.

Stone Clearing with Richard Herring I smell the blood of an Asylum You're an Asylum? Come on, they're a place so beautiful Thief I fall from I smell the blood of an Asylum Hey you, you such a pedant You got as much brain as a dead ant As much imagination as a caravan sight

Well, hello, welcome to chapter 49 of Stone Clearing with Richard Herring It's 11.47am It's December 31st 2019 It's a time to remember the ancient stone god Anus This is the beginning of the New Year It only looks forwards, doesn't it, backwards

Because Richard Herring is quite embarrassing To look backwards you look forwards at what is to be done Not backwards at what has not been done The month of Annurie was initially named after him It has been subverted by gods that came afterwards But yeah, we will be looking forward, not backwards Forward to the time the field is empty of stones I look forward to that day, a look of surprise

On the farmer's faces he said in the picture I go, what's changed about the field? Well, no stones And I don't know if that's what something he wants I imagine it is who wants stones on their field But when that finally happens he's got to be impressed at least At the very least

Of course, human years are very different to stone years Stones don't really bother with such small increments as a year to them That is just the flicker of a bit of soil over their bodies They talk about eons really But it's nice for us humans to acknowledge Another year has passed Another year of the stones

I'm not looking backwards And you may be celebrating New Year's Eve Not me, my friend, I am out On the field Trying to make a difference to this world Not to get drunk I haven't got drunk throughout the whole of Oh, thank you, Wolfie's picked up a stone there

Off the field and brought it back for me, thank you I didn't know once I'd thrown it off But it's still nice just getting involved You can go and get drunk, I'm not getting drunk I am staying sober And very much doing something That the rational human being would do Not drinking alcohol and larking around

Is that a sensible use of your time? No, what is a sensible use of your time Is picking up stones That you don't know whether anyone wants you to move Sometimes not picking them up I was kicking them like that one That was near the edge Chucking them into the edge of the field

Building a wall that can be seen from space Eventually, not yet Patience, my friends Someone's made a pile of wood there Stupid idiot No one lost So it's been quite a year I mean, the last podcast I did

Was heavily interrupted by Mistakes of all kinds I'm just keeping an eye on the phone Because by getting the phone out I risk Actually stopping the recording as well So it's a double-edged sword I'm hoping we won't be reset by any difficulties this time I hope you enjoyed the musical treat

At the end of the last podcast Literally one person has mentioned it So, you know, I'm sure the effort that we went to To create that for you Was worth it The end expense Luckily, very excitingly, the next podcast Will be sponsored

I can't talk too much about it yet But suffice to say, the sponsored money we got from that Will cover two thirds of the cost Of creating that piece of music See, I'm really creating We just found it in the archives, obviously It's a traditional arranged folk song That I remembered pretty well

I think for you Given I just sang that from memory in the podcast there Which I sang in a couple of nice brownies here That isn't if you're not the same as the brownies For young girl guides It's actually just brownstones The nickname for brownstones, brownies There's no racism in the stone world at each colour

It's the same as not a majority thing To call something by its colour Everyone is proud of their own colour Just if you're worried about that A couple of blackies here I mean, you know, it sounds bad When you look at it in human terms But in stone terms, the thing is all stones are equal

If anything, it's just the bigger ones are slightly better I'm taking a little hassle off It's not their colour The stone that matters Though it's interesting And I'm glad that the stones have lots of different colours Just as I'm glad human beings It looks like I'm getting myself into a bit of trouble here

Just at the last moment Stone clearing 2019 Creating a controversy that I do not want to have But yeah, I'm out in the field a little way There's no one around The whole probe's getting drunk In the mid-day on Year Z If you've not had enough drinking

Over the Christmas tree So I'm quite away out in the field And just frisbee'd her Quite a nice stone towards the brand-new fence Which replaced the burnt-down fence There's a more round one Wolfie's gone after that like it's a ball I mean, it's a good way to get the stalks of exercise

She really is getting into chasing these stones To almost her dangerous degree But there are no rules to stone clearing That's actually the first rule of stone clearing So the one about not hitting animals and dogs And children is very important Just spotting a couple of interesting stones Quite large ones here

Wolfie chasing that one These are big and don't want any of these to hit Wolfie So I'm going to put this one by I mean, they're big for small stones There is a lovely big market there Where I remember collecting that stone On one of the podcasts It's just a big brownie

Maybe let's lay off the colour I don't see colour on these stones Which makes it difficult Because they're all roughly the same colour as the soil So if you are unable to discern different colours It does make this job very difficult Which is what, it does suit a racist person For that reason because they are very aware of colour

But you don't have to be racist To understand the difference between different colours Different similar colours Another big one there that I picked out It's nice to go around and see your triumphs Not that the little ones aren't triumphant as well Nice to remember past glories That's where lots of stones are thrown there

They've sort of been scattered around Into a pattern Someone's been interfering with those They haven't put them back on the field of play Which is good, but It does seem to have messed around a little bit there And as I walk around this field It is quite impressive the number of small cairns

That are developing around the place I think people might start to realise Something's going on Something mysterious beyond their control The superstitious people of this village Will be terrified of course And that just adds danger Because they will either find out it's me

Worship me as a god Unable to move stones from one place to another That's possible Or they will think that I'm meddling with natural forces Beyond our understanding By moving stones around And will burn me in a wicked manner Which has happened four or five times

To different villages this year In my particular village I've always laughed along because it hasn't been me It's not been stone related I think curdling milk was one of the crimes Being a slightly unusual woman She obviously was burned It's a backward place in many ways

But forward thinking in some ways Such as the view that unusual women Should be burned in a wicked man That is the head of the game One day very soon probably That will be common practice I don't approve But that's just not saying that every change

In society is good I'm just saying that changes will come Thanks mainly to your voting decisions Congratulations on that The UK and the world voting public So I'm not going to do too much of a podcast today As I've already probably annoyed the old PC Brigade With my backward forward looking views

Just like Anus the God Anus I only look forward not backwards It's actually not capable of going backwards That is how much of an Anus I am And you can laugh that go In our language which Anus means The small aperture through which feces Comes out of an animal human

Well grow up It means something else in stone law And it meant that before you came up with Your definition and I'm sure that was actually An attempt by anti-stonists To make stone people and stones ridiculous But it won't work I am an Anus and I am proud of that

If you find that funny The problem is you my friend Anus only looks forwards Which is ironic isn't it So We've got to the can opposite the main can Not too much line around here to add to it So I just have this little ones down to it

It went nicely nice little chuck from a distance But landed atop the can And once to come in 2020 What new innovations will there be here In the stone food podcast I hear you ask Well nothing it will be very much business as usual Me walking around this field I suspect there are 50 or so of these

In the coming year That's what I predict And there's only so much chuck I'm really saying there Because it's just the man walking around the field Taking stones off if you think that's a bit samey You know maybe go for a podcast called Different thing every week with no stones in it That's your problem

Those with ears in here what I'm trying to say They understand Crossing this vast Was it 35 acres that I work out that was here Oh there's a little stone with a Triangular motif got into it Is it just the action of rain I tried to throw it down the path

But it went further on to the field So that's probably never going to get cleared Let's know it's be positive for them We'll make it cleared sometime in the distant future And lovely view of the surrounding countryside here And this grey is a grey day It's not quite raining The moisture hanging in the air

It feels like it could rain any second A little cold My zip on my jacket has broken So it's got still some Velcro which can be used to Keep it together And that pops apart pretty easily Velcro can especially when you're moving around

Lifting up stones So we'll have to be able to pick up Reasonable Approaching medium sized stone Got a long way to carry this baby I'm going to get it to the shore We're deep On the bridge

From the can across from the main can And the main can Passing a few stones I have to say as I go Probably Within easy reach only a million or so I'll come back for them I'm not going to stop picking up too many This far away from the shore

But we're about past the halfway mark That's my tip to you Because of course you can come back the other way And pick up the ones that are halfway the other way And then you're not carrying stones All over the shop You can hear a dog barking somewhere And a few nice...

This is the area I was walking past recently Thinking oh my goodness I need to get my teeth into that Oh hello This looks like a good one Could be a reverse iceberg I looked like there was going to be a lot more Under the soil there

Oh my heaven there is a lot of big stones here I mean just a lot I've picked up five or six And that will probably do for today I can't resist that one either So I'm going to have to try and scramble These are nice sized stones I mean these almost make a can on their own

The six of the bogers That's an affectionate term Or I see a nice brownie there A very dark brownie Almost ready brown But I can't stoop to pick it up Loads of big stones out here I don't know where they've all come from

I mean obviously the plows plowed them up There are no crops To disrupt my view I could spend a long time out here If I didn't have to get back from my lunch And Wolfie expect me Waiting for these stones I think I'm going to throw them

But seriously I threw one of these Towards that she would be in A lot of chances of imminent death They've all gone on this sort of curve Of the wall Of that Main can Except for one which I'm going to save

And put further up As I used to Just give it something to aim for I'll notice the animals still moving These stones I'm putting here Their little three point there They don't like it up on them So I hope you've had a good 2019

I hope you've enjoyed the That's all the stories that you've heard cleared In that time I can't remember the more I can't give them all names But there have been quite a few I need some whistling in the distance now We don't know quite what 2020 will bring

But that is why Stone clearing Can be quite a pleasant thing I think it might be yesterday in the dark And there's some big holes in this path I tripped over that one I've got to ruin my torch Just thought I could wing it if I had moonlight

Was a mistake This is always consistent There's very rarely anything too exciting That's going to happen It's going to be very rare We do one of these and there's not any stones cleared I can tell you that Even the ones that haven't come out

They've been stones being cleared in them The Brexit Ditch Is about to be severely tested Of course in the coming months That's interesting, I think the Conservative Party Trying to rename Brexit So it's no longer called Brexit So perhaps that is the

Brexit Ditch's success We might leave the EU, but we haven't Breasted The gods are wily, they're clever They trick us They make players for fools Just to test our faith But my faith will never be diminished

Here go three nice little stones Into the ditch And they can actually see quite a Can developing there From the many attempts I've had I've made to stop To stop Brexit A sort of frog just in colour

Black and brown That is fine by me So a few emails come in And the email from LARP Voorhees They actually played at least a Tuttle saved by the bell She says, Rich I love the

Stone Clearing podcast I gave up being an actor And the millions I was Making from saved by the bell to clear Stones here in California It's going very well But nice to hear Other people who used to be on the telly

Have devoted their lives To Stone Clearing rather than Acting and doing entertaining stuff That was very much How I've Decided to be That's the end of that True, well you know

I'm not saying I've given up Attempting to be an entertainer like It's very much how Tainter has given up on me I suppose There's always that window Hopefully that door, that window will always be open to me There's nothing to chuck a stone at it And try and break it in that way

But yes, you are right What we are doing You in California Me here in the Hertfordshire Two very similar places, not ways It's more important than those Fripperies It's more important than Fripperies of show business

The Fripperies of family Children It's something permanent, something For us to remember by and I hope the last Voorhees War Will be Just as remembered As we're getting on

And maybe one day they'll link up Like I'm not seeing them Just saying I'll give it a go if you're up for it Seeming quite nice and safe by the day If my wife were to sadly die Or be in an accident or some kind So

Some cyclists going by We're nearly home Steven Moss He's been in touch Happy New Year Rich I know you don't recognise human years As much as the eons of Stone time

And I wish you a happy Ann Muree, nice of him To go by the proper Old name for it May You clear many more stones In 2020 I'll finish the whole thing off in 2020

My family are sitting at the Kitchen table So I might end it here They wouldn't like me to be Include them in this, look at them sitting there They don't even have no idea what's going on out here How important this is Hello Annie

He he he Alright, we'll see you in 2020 guys Keep on clearing those stones Don't miss it out, bye Leffen to the Ftones my friend And they for Helping you

Mary dance Don't leffen To the Ftones my friend Don't leffen To your underpants Leffen To the

Ftones Leffen To the Ftones And they in turn To you My friend My pine

friend So I'm clearing with Richard Herring Start with me Richard Herring and Wolfie the dog With special appearances by Ernest Herring And Phoebe Herring Special thanks to Neil Hinnis The music you're listening to has been Child Arranged by Michael Coffgrave

The voice of the Ftones is Michael Fahey Leffen To the Ftones my friend And they for Helping you Mary dance Don't leffen To the

Ftones my friend Don't leffen To your underpants Leffen To the Ftones Leffen To the

Ftones and they In turn To you My friend My pine friend