Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 55

Episode Date: February 13, 2020

Chapter 55 - The Human Diamond. It's the eve of 12th February 2020 and Ftorm Ciara has left behind devastation and fallen trees, but all the ftones are fafe. The overcast sky leaves its mark on Richard's soul, but he will press onwards towards oblivion. Someone has been kicking stones back on to the field. An aggrieved and terrified villager or a sleep-walking Herring. No one can be sure. All we know is that stones will not be defeated by the imaginary force of wind.

Stone Clearing with Richard Herring Alright, come on Wolfie Harris What are you doing, what are you doing? Crazy dog Come on Wolfie, good girl, good girl, stay here Hello, welcome to another chapter 55, 56 I do know that today is the 12th of February I deliberately got the date wrong last time as a kind of joke

And it's dusk It's quarter past five in the evening Good evening Stone Clearing, I've come out without gloves to give you the full hands-on experience Of what it will be like Out here, the birds have been buffeted by storms, gales As much in the UK this week And I know some trees in the field have come down Hanging over the path

Showing again the superiority of stone to vegetable matter Stones unaffected by the wind, my cans still standing strong No stone can be overturned by wind It's really a message of the big bad wolf, isn't it? So there's a dog coming our usual way, come on Wolfie We've been forced uphill, up to where the trees came down In fact, come on Wolfie, I have a man right behind me now So I'm unable to begin clearing stones

Even though I'm about to, Wolfie hit the Brexit ditch Just quickly grab one, just for luck, because I still believe I can stop Brexit If I believe enough, oh there's a nice stone there that can't resist the death So a couple of bits of flint, there's a big one, that one, hell you know, comparatively To the usual Brexit ditch fare I heard you hear it correctly, it actually broke into two smaller stones That must be what it wants to be It bred in front of my eyes

I hope when the man is actually turning back Perhaps he's seen enough, perhaps he's going to his overlords to inform them That it is indeed I who is trying to fill the ditch Perhaps he just thought he didn't want the dogs to fight each other And there are a surreptitious little stone out to the fence area Should we go counterclockwise for those of you following at home If you've drawn a map of what you imagine the field looks like He's facing the other way now, so I am able to clear up

Three stones here, one grey, one browner, one a dark russet Varying sizes, if you're interested Maybe I should just start cataloging each one, the location they've found Drawing them shape size, it would increase my workload And in fact the tree that fell has been cut to sunder by a saw of some kind I will show you a picture of it hanging over the path, but it is now a felled beast And will rot there by the side of the field Whilst my stones remain proud and strong

And that is the message of the storm, if something is so weak That something is invisible and doesn't even really exist, i.e. wind is not real Like fairies, if it was real you could see it and you can't see it If that can destroy a tree, then what use is a tree But it cannot destroy a stone, the stones have an understanding of reality They are not full of fiction and fable Like the biological material that I have come to abhor So, approaching the main can, another tree fell here

That has also been dispatched by the chainsaw Again forming a sort of wall, a wooden wall Where I am hoping to build a stone one, but don't worry folks That wooden wall will disappear, my stone wall will be superior A lot of stones out here still, still no crops of course Meaning I am able to get out into the field Clear as many of these as possible In some ways the field looks just as stone as it was

15, 16 months ago when I began this task In other ways, those who advise can see what I have achieved in this time And find it remarkable and admirable Tossed a few stones casually onto the, what is becoming an impressive wall You can hear them click in there That was a good click, still too light to see sparks I think But if you could see this you would be amazed at what I have achieved I mean there was a picture in a recent podcast but even so

It really is stretching right round there Both, right round the corner, it's a beautiful thing to behold Some of the stones have fallen, not in the wind though Just kicking those back up towards the top of the mound That's just gravity, pulling them downwards and that is a real thing, gravity And like wind, which is not real Stone I think I threw earlier, and then the stone clearing just here on the pass I'll check that further back to it and that is now right on the can

Even Wolfie is not going to try and pick that one up There's a weird half light over the field It's grey, the sun disappearing but behind the clouds So it's already disappeared But it's still there, but it's disappearing as well as being disappeared You understand what I mean Wolfie does love chasing these stones now And I look out across the field and it's more stone than soil

Places I've not yet even trod And this is only the bottom, what fifth, maybe not even that Maybe eighth of the field The other way, more soil that way, maybe it's just the way the light's falling But down the hill, bloody hell, it's just all stone What kind of an idiot would set themselves a task of clearing all that A brave one to show Wolfie chasing after another stone, that one was razor sharp

So I'm glad she didn't catch it They're heading backwards, I'm worried we might bump into the guy He's definitely gone the other way thinking they'll avoid us There's some nice stones here And I might carry across to the can and on the other side Because that's the way I'm heading Too much choice really Who shall come and who shall we leave behind

It's the perennial question for the stone clearer Only instinct can really answer for you, there was two or three there that really called to me Another that I could hassle off out to White in the copuscular light Another there, that's the one I'm going for apparently It's a bold incursion onto the field Passing several choice specimens, I have to say on the way You can see how far I've walked just from listening to my gate

The next time it's taken me to get here, and that was worth coming out for It's a very small medium stone but It's white on the side that attracted me, brown on the other side Almost like it was flashing its knickers at me Betrayal frankly speaking Stones do not have any need for undergarments or any shame About any part of their foreman like us It's one of the things that makes them superior to us

That's one of our weaknesses Shame of our puny genitals Stones only have pride And unlike our genitals the stones are always hard That's not why I envy them I respect them for that So that one dog walker It's been a long time since we've had a chat hasn't it really with anyone on the

On the podcast, I do bump into people occasionally on my other walks But it's always like people are avoiding me I think I'm strange in some way Don't want to be associated with me Run for the hills when they see me coming Well more fool them They could be on the podcast with 3,000 downloads per week You heard me

3,000 of you are downloading it, I don't know how many of you are listening But some And that's all we need to continue In fact with this podcast 0 is enough for me to continue This podcast will never end even if the technology to produce podcast ends Kind of nuclear war or something I will continue Didn't bring my torch out today

Yeah I brought it out the other day when I didn't need it And today I'm starting to think maybe I will need the torch towards the end of this walk That's another stone clearing irony for you I hope you have enjoyed So I'm on this can across the way from the main can Not as much love as the main can But still looking pretty good I'm pleased with all of them, all of my children

By which I made my cans, not my actual children who I'm not that pleased with Not as pleased with, let's say they're still mildly pleased with them A tiny bit of Brickaxe Roman that's coming off Been there since Hadrian's wall Might have even been part of Hadrian's wall And then somehow got knocked off and crept its way down here An easy jet plane can be heard flying by in distance Now the people on there, even if they would look down and saw me would suspect what I was up to

I just think I was another dog walker, it's an ordinary guy, not the hero of the future admittedly But that's the best kind of hero to be That stone looks like it has a little marking on it Some neolithic drawing into the woods it goes Never to be seen again And I am still trying to build up walls using the trees here At the side using the roots as a base You may say that's foolish, those trees will fall and perish

But the wall I will have created will survive them So it's not as foolish as you thought Or are you just doing a poo? Might have to deal with that, if you don't mind Even if you do mind Even if it funds you What have you done? That monstrosity have you done?

Well, it's just a wee, I can't see anything there I think that's a barrier It's far enough off the field, it's in the urge That is the sound of a man burying a turd, which is more than most people do out here It's buried now May best in peace It is nice to see old friends out here, by which I mean the stones One of my bigger stones here

Start the can, I've never really added too much to it I don't need to, the original stone is so big Going down the hill, you would usually hear me going up this hill Usually there'd be a slight air of breathlessness as I traverse this section of the field But it's easy today Sometimes it's good to do things the wrong way around Sometimes it's good to take the stones on edge of the field and string them into the middle of the field I don't consciously do it, but I suspect looking at the field and maybe at night one

If you believe I'm asleep, I come out here and reverse all the good work I've done in the day Because I sort of don't want this to end I will achieve it, obviously, eventually, I'll have the persistent desire But the longer it can last, the better So would you really blame me if I took on a different persona and came out here Dead of night, and undid the work with the good rich herring Whilst the rich rich herring of the night Laughed

There's my little stone here, kind of in the path that I'm about to get rid of I don't know if there's anyone around I don't think there is, it's like being a dip here, it's a biggie There, that's well into the medium range, I think I put that on the can in the corner here You could hear, I'm sure, from the sound of the heft of that hitting its target Just what I'd managed to uncover there That one just in the path, not even really on the field Officially didn't really have to do it, but it's worth clearing those ones, guys

Just in case they creep their way back over the millennia Which is possible from the path, but not right from the edge No stone can return from the edge That's a lore of physics Sound of someone in the garden clanking some metal So I have to be a little bit careful We'll be, come on Good girl

Yeah, this is where someone has kicked a lot of my stones back onto the path So I'm not very happy about that Rude A lot of people treat the inside of the field as if it's theirs And it is not their fault to clearly do anything except property Unless it's burned down in an accident It'd be a shame if that would happen again That might sound a bit like a threat

If that's how you choose to interpret it, I can't stop you Oh, that's a nice ricochet Another one of my big stones there Nice to see that baby again, still standing proud Of course eventually the weather will take these stones down to smaller stones But that will take eons of time And even then the smaller stones will still be there Just smaller

You cannot destroy stone That's just another lore of physics Quite a lot of lore of physics, there are no rules Just don't clear them, but there's quite a lot of rules to physics As is my understanding of physics I think there's going to be quite a short walk today I've managed to get around the lower part of the field And still some stones to clear

Even though I've taken a relatively short route There's one of them There's one less to clear That's the way you've always got to look at it Unless someone comes at overnight and puts them back Maybe it's me who kicks that one out of their thing Just so I could blame the fence people Oh, look at these geese

Can you hear that? I hope you can hear that The flapping of their wings, they were right in my face That's the beauty of the countryside Of course those geese flying and honking now But they'll be long gone in a pie Turned into poo, whilst my stones still stand Yeah, it's actually depressing I don't know if it's just the light here

But literally I've done nothing Like I haven't even been here If you were just to turn a blind eye to this What some people might call pathetic piles of stone Around the edge It will be possible to believe I never even existed But I did exist And the people in the future will know

For by the time I'm finished These walls will be a hundred feet high And the soil will be as pure as a baby's cocaine Very pure as is Not that pleased with the number of stones I've got off the field, I have to say today But every stone is one stone less Or fewer

Depending on your grammatical beliefs Don't waste time talking about grammar Of your life, your life's too short Every time you argue about less or fewer That could be another stone off Instead it's just a pointless argument That's something that will never change About a language that will eventually die out entirely

Well, there has been something more abundant About the shroud hanging over today's podcast It's the shroud of cloud It's the shroud of death It's the shroud of not having cleared that many stones actually But all the joy, the iced tea joy There must be some stuff that isn't iced tea joy Sometimes we just have to accept

That we are small, small mites Tossing tinier stones than us Into the abyss One day we will join them One day we will feel the true cold At the centre of a stone But anyway, here we go, Wolfie's back on the leash Can't remember when I did that

And Mitch, can I put you back Maybe you'll be able to tell from listening back to the podcast Wolfie, what are you doing? Oh, that was my towel for my pocket I could have heard it I'm going to lose that I'll put it back and grab it more carefully this time So I hope you enjoyed today's podcast

A few emails in this week Again, more than I can really read out Um Trevor Window There's nothing attached to say There's the The enormity of your task of a press down on your soul And make you wish you'd never been born

No, Trevor, it doesn't The enormity of my task Is what keeps me going And, you know The enormity of pressure Could turn a piece of coal into a diamond The hardest stone of all There's no harder substance on Earth or in the universe

There's no diamond That's one of the It's just another stone if I can't have a big diamond on the field I'll just check it on the edge and pull the others But that is what I am becoming I'm becoming a human diamond So I hope that answers your question Trevor Branch

Oh no, Window, sorry I just saw a branch, that's why I said branch But I didn't see a window, obviously Yvonne Traffic Cone She's been in touch Oh My wife bended the car So I just thought that was it

But it was just the way the light hit it I think it's okay I don't know if she's done any permanent damage Might be that, is that it? To be honest, this car is so dirty It would be hard to tell if it had been In any way Affected

Anyway, look, we're back home Gotta get the kids to bed Life goes on For the moment Because there are stones in the field I still have a reason to live Alright, my kids and stuff So I'll leave it there

There's my wife, I don't want her there I don't know what I've been doing So I'll bid you a beer Now as I watch her through the window I know where It's like in the time machine Watching the model change fashion Do you have no idea what's going on?

I'm going to go there The door's locked Give me time to talk to her For a little bit longer So I'm trying to get my key She hasn't even seen me Always And she's got friends around

With a child of her I don't recognize their identity She's just kidnapped a child Or that she had a child that I hadn't noticed Hello Ah Watch out for that dog Wolfie

In your bed Why? Leave the child alone To the stone Liffon To the stone And they in turn Are Liffon

To ye My friend My pine friend You have been listening to Stonka and Richard Herring With me, Richard Herring And Wolfie Dodd Also starring my wife through a window

And a small child With my dog attacked The music is by my cop crave The voice of the toad is my cop eh Liffon To the stone My friend And they fowl

Thing Yeah, Mary does Don't Liffon To the birth And truth Don't Liffon To your underhand Liffon

To the stone Liffon To the stone And they in turn Fowl Liffon To ye My friend

My pine friend Liffon